The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 168 - America's First Crematorium - (Live in Chicago)

Episode Date: April 25, 2016

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Chicago comedian David Helem to examine American's First Crematorium. Guest: @davehelem SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. I'm a fucking idiot. This is an American History podcast. Each week I read a story from American history to my friend

Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Better. Well they seem hesitant. They took they took a polite pause. They were like should we pretend like we like that? Yeah. My favorite kind of like. We're gonna bring out our guest. He's a local Chicago comedian. I'm shy town. Jesus. Fuck off. That's what I'm calling it. The Windy City. Is that better? Oh drunks by the lake. Ladies and gentlemen David Haleem. That's how professionals do it. We got shots. Yeah. What do you drink? You drink? This is piss man. This is this. What is this? This is a Chicago liqueur. It is made from hipster sweat and. Have you

never had Malort before? No. But I've licked a hipster. Can we do it? Yeah. We can. Yes we can. Well I have a thing. Dave. Yeah. I don't care. I'm not putting. It's worse that way. Not just the tip ram it in. Yeah. That's fucking. Fuck you. Fuck. What? Oh my god. What is wrong with your city? What the fuck is that? How does a liquid dry your mouth out? Holy shit. What the fuck? What is that called? This is menopausal vagina. This is just this is you take it you extract it and you sip it. I don't like it. I'm not fucking doing that man. That's like drinking gas. And I like shots. All right so it's no it gets worse. What does that mean? It does

taste like rubber bands. Where was this information before the shot motherfuckers? It'll taste like you're swallowing a rubber band ball for the rest of your life. We're friends. Why is this still being sold? Who is it? Is it just a prank drink now? Where someone comes to your town and we're like this is gonna be great. You want to drink hot rubber band piss? This is only in Chicago. This is no way out. It tastes like tick medication. All right so sad confession to make. I didn't have time to do another Chicago one. I tried. You guys all your shit is about politics and there's so many fucking names and dummy over here is not

gonna be able to follow the story. It's dumb if. So I had another one that I wanted to do so we're gonna do that one. It's got nothing to do with Chicago but we're gonna pretend like Pennsylvania is part of Chicago. All right some of you from Pennsylvania? Well then I did it for you. It's like a special dollar just for the people from Pennsylvania. Remember that when Patreon time rolls around this month. You too. A very special night for you guys. What if the file went away? September 4th 1798. Yeah early days. Francis Julius Lemoyne was born to his father John Julius Mayoyne a French doctor who

immigrated to the United States with Nancy McCulley in Washington, Pennsylvania. Chicago. Washington was a very religious dry town of 5,000 people. The town was loaded with according to the New York Times quote old-fashioned Presbyterians who regarded the waltz as an invention of Satan. I've always said that. I have been very clear the box step is the devil dance. It's how everybody gets a fucking. Sorry. You said something and then. And they also considered a game of cards as sure destruction. Interesting. So they're a little uptight. Is that a card game you

play? That sounds like a card game you'd play. The New York Times said Washington citizens belong as a rule to an ancient Scotch Irish clans and walk in the narrow but excellent path of their fathers from cradle to their deathbed. It's a little much. Who wouldn't want to sign up? It's a little bit much. Terms and conditions are great. Francis is an only child. His father was an inkeeper, a druggist, and a doctor. What? Triple threat. I feel like an inkeeper is not like part of a triple threat. It's right mother fuck I'm a triple threat. Room 4. Francis studied medicine with his dad and then finished medical school in

Philadelphia at Jefferson Medical College of Chicago. Right here on Michigan Avenue. On his return to Washington, Pennsylvania in 1822 he practiced medicine. In 1830 Francis is elected. The smile that's on your face already. Nothing. It's nothing. Yeah, something. Practicing medicine is never good. Especially because nobody gets everyone's practicing. We hope we get it right. We're practicing. These were the these were the best days of medicine. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Absolutely. In 1830 Francis was elected a trustee of Washington College and helped establish the Washington Female

Seminary in 1836. He was part of the movement pushing female education. Right? Right? Easy does it. He was wrong. He was wrong. Francis was also very anti-slavery. That's good. Right? I've always been in favor of that. I just want to make that clear. Just on the table. We're both very anti-slavery. This is a we at the dollop. No to slavery. Hardline. No way. We've always said that. Yeah. Thumbs down. We have shirts. Yeah. With the thumbs down. This is slavery. Yeah. We're very against it. Yeah. He joined the local anti-slavery society in 1834 and was president of it from 1835 to 1838. The anti-slavery what? Society. It's like the

end of LACP before we were free. But with white people running it. Some Rachel Dolezal type shit. When they're approaching you like where would the anti-slavery count so you're like I don't trust white people and what they say. No. We're on your side. This feels like the long con. No. We're gonna have a meeting out in the woods. Yeah. Yeah. No. I've been to your wood meetings. Gone to a couple of your wood meetings. Not the sort of the fair I want to go to. In 1841 he was the candidate of the abolition party for governor. And starting in 1849 Francis's house became part of the Underground Railroad. He had a secret

room on the third floor of his home that would sometimes hold as many as 26 slaves escaping. So he's a good dude. I think it's what we're saying. He's burning. This is burning. This is burning. I stored slaves running away from their masters and I stored them in my attic. That was me. When Senator Clinton had an attic that was empty. What is that? Did you order that? I have to wash down. Oh. Yeah. For a second I thought I'd take your pee index. No. Yeah. To wash that down you drink a cup of pee. This is cider I think. I think we're gonna find out. Don't trust what gets brought on this stage anymore. No. Fuck. No. These people are all fucked. There's a gel cap in the

bottom. In 1874 Francis became interested in the idea of cremation. Oh. We took a jump, huh? No, boy. No, boy. That's my favorite sentence in the whole. A guy came interested in the idea of cremation. The idea. It's just the idea. This was a new idea at the time. There. How the fuck was that a new idea at that time? Everything I've heard about that time. The worst decision. How are bodies not being burned a no-brainer? They weren't doing it because you know you don't want to do that. Because they wanted to eat hearts when they were in the grave. They don't burn it. Burn the brains and hearts. That's what we eat so that we're not

vampires or some sort of bullshit logic we live under. I think you're being very judgmental. Aren't I? There had just been a display at the Vienna exposition that showed a cremating furnace with the remains of an incinerated body. So they just had fun. I mean, they had great expositions back then. You're gonna like the big finish. We got a body kiln. Who wants to go in? You want to go in? You want to go in? Get in there! Then Sir Henry Thomas in England published cremation. The treatment of the body after death. It's just a good book. I was hoping it was a musical. Yeah. That'd be fucking awesome. Yeah. He was like, you can't rhyme cremation properly.

It won't work. Let's just put it as a paper. Say it's a theory. The New York World published Thompson's essay and every Sunday for the next three months cremation was discussed in the paper's editorial pages. Just three months. Discussed? How much is there to talk about? A lot to talk about. You put it in, you burn it, and you ash it up. Oh. Is it that easy? It's just that easy. With cremation, it's a three-star process. Then you have the Australian guy, I can't believe we're cremating in our own kitchen. It's a easy big up. Yeah. You put them in, it's as easy as one, two, three. That's how I

want to be. That's what I want to have happen. I want to be put in an easy big up. Another round. He needs another round. After I die, a fucking easy bake oven. It's not even browning these cupcakes. Put him through again. Not an easy bake. Weeks. It would be weeks. Months. Almost. God, the house is ruined. The house is just ruined. The New York Times published 17 articles on cremation in 1874. Hot topic. Shit's really picking up. Yep. Doctors began discussing cremation. Some headline examples from the New York Times. Cremation. The subject considered from a hygienic point of view. There was also cremation and poisoning. Oh, that's a

catchy headline. I mean, how do you not want to get on? You double-click that guy. That one. That's clickbait right there. That's clickbait for sure. Back in a day. Yeah. Yeah. Buzzfeedback then. Top ten places to be cremated. That article made the argument that in cases of suspected poisonings, there would be no body to exhume. Huh? Now you found a little hole in your little love of cremation. No, I don't understand the hole. If the body, if the body's been burned, you can't dig it up and test it for a poison. Oh, okay. Right. Right. That's true. That is fair. As a coroner, that is airtight, accurate. Francis, as a member of the medical

community, believed that odors cause diseases. We just heard... Didn't you just mention that recently? Yeah, this is in the... The thickest people ever are claiming that odors... Okay. Yeah. The smelliest culture of all time. Smells are bad. We all stink, so we're all fucked. Well, this was at the time everybody believed that odors cause disease and particularly gases from decaying organic matter. So bodies. See where this is going? We. I don't see where it's going. I don't either. Yeah, you did... No, you do. I've never read this before. I don't know what this is. This isn't my Kindle. I have an iPad. Whose Kindle is it? I can't. I can't. The fuck is going on with the Kindle? You don't get to know the magic behind the curtain. What? I'm behind the curtain with you. What is going on with the Kindle? You're not behind the fucking curtain. I am behind the curtain pulling all the strings. There's another curtain. You're the monkey hanging from the rope. Well, that's how the curtain goes up and down, asshole.

Francis thought burying a body wouldn't safeguard people from, quote, toxins of the dead. Bodies buried in graves emit poisons which pollute both air and water, resulting in injurious effects. So they clearly weren't burying people very well. No. Because it sounds like they were just putting them in the fucking dirt without caskets and whatnot. And then they're like, well, the water tastes weird. What? Is it just weird? Does the water taste like Ted? Ted flavor to it. Tastes better than these fucking shots that we have in Chicago. That was like, uh, having fun. You had none. I had a sip and that's enough. That's fucking poison water. I've been digesting rubber bands for ten minutes.

You're gonna love it before you do. Right? He should have the other one, right? Fuck you. Oh, I'm not drinking another fimble of bum piss just because you said two. The second one's better. Fuck you, Chicago. It's like a finger. Yeah. That's amazing. The second one's better. The shocker's the way to go, bro. Of course, religions were opposed to cremation from the Marysville Daily Appeal, which is a great. The Daily Appeal? What shall be done with the dead? All the Christian believers have been educated to have a great aversion to fire.

Well, hit your wagon to that train as soon as possible. What a very cold people. And therefore are somewhat prejudiced against this new doctrine of cremation or burning of the dead. This new mode is also more repugnant to our feelings because cremation is practiced by the heathen aborigines of this country. You guys are surprised that they fucking said that back then? They're monsters. Yeah, but that even sounds like a weird way to be racist. It sounds like a real roundabout. Yeah, we know what they mean by aborigines. Yeah, we get it. It's just like they like the sounds very vague

for racism and back then they were like, it doesn't matter what you say. It was the A word back by back then. We all entertain a sense of horror at the idea of mutilating or annihilating the bodies of our deceased relatives. We say let nature take its course. From dust we came and unto dust let us return. Yeah, but if the dust makes your water taste like shit. Look, they want, they don't want to burn. Angel dust. What's happening? Oh, I see what you did there. Thank you buddy. Okay, all right.

I didn't think it was that good. Then around then around 50 scientists in New York City created the New York Cremation Society. The purpose was to promote cremation as far preferable to barrier for sanitary as well as economic reasons. So save a few bucks. Why? Because it's hard. It costs money through a dude in a hole. Yeah. A lot cheaper to put him in an oven. I agree with that. That's still true. I agree with that. We agree with that. Okay, we're all in agreement. It's cheaper.

It's cheaper. The gilded. Get out of here. It's closing time. Got a roll. What's happening right now? Not you, the body. Who the, I never understand why anyone's like my body. Who gives a fuck? People don't, there's people, there's Jewish people I don't think can be cremated, can they? No, right? Only if they have tattoos. And I've done the research on this. If they don't, if they get cremated. That means because, no. Oh boy. This is last show all over again.

If you can't, if you get a tattoo, you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery was my point. Right. Jesus. Savages. That's true. Feeding me bum piss and just. It's true. Treating me like a heritage. You can't get, you can't, also they have a, usually after they die they cut off their tails. Now see that's crossing the line. The gilded age cremation movement was part of the refinement of America. The elites saw huge differences between the washed

themselves and the unwashed, which was everyone else. They believed it was their duty to uplift the unwashed to refinement. Great. Cremationists, I made that word up. Doesn't feel like it. Fuck it. It doesn't, doesn't. No. It's a great word. People, it should be a thing now. I'm a cremationist. How are you? Cremationists believe that they were educators and that cremation would elevate the unwashed, but they also use cremation as a way to judge the poor.

We cremate, cremate, they bury, they would say. And when the unwashed resisted the awesomeness of cremation, they would lash out from the modern cremitist, which is a journal. That's a journal? The modern cremitist? Yeah. It's a journal that people subscribe to. It's like an eight-way race to not make the cover. You're like, I don't want to be on the fucking cover of this shit. Just a guide in front of an oven. New skiing techniques. How to get those abs you've always desired.

Oh, fuck. I just, we have to make that. Who was unwashed? The unwashed or anybody who's not really rich. Okay, just like now, it's nice to change these motherfuckers. Come on, Bernie! Uh, quote, it is a pity that our neighbors do not know as well as we do what is best for them. I mean, that's religion at its core. The masses who would not take to cremation are stupid, ignorant, narrow-minded, and contemptible. So they're totally cool about this.

They're totally cool about people that don't want to be put in the fire. But that's just what has happened throughout the whole, like, our whole history is just based on people being like, I'm 100% right over this wedge issue and a bunch of people being like, no, you're not, you're wrong. Forever, and we just keep doing that. I don't care for that opinion. Fuck you, Meen, you share that opinion. I think all people are great. I don't know if you've talked to you lately. I, all I have is a pure love for humanity in my heart.

You, you unwashed monkeys. On April 21st, 1874, an article appeared in the New York Herald, quote, a real case of cremation, a story that will shock humanity. The city of brotherly love sets the first example. A Philadelphia physician pledged to his son that he would cremate him. The body of George Updike was burned in the cellar of his residence on 1949 4th Street. I think put the fucking address in there. Well, you know, sightseers, you know. So a guy, yeah.

This is where it happened, huh? Right in the cellar. I just fried him up. Barbecued him up. He fell right off the bone. Just, you're doing it wrong. That's boiling. Is that right? What am I besides stuffed? Unfortunately, this story turned out not to be true. The story was supposed to be published on April Fool's Day, but there wasn't room in the paper and then by mistake. Who edits said paper? I will run it tomorrow.

It was swabbed. They ran it on the 21st. Wait, of April? Yeah. Oh yeah, that was... It's not April Fool's month. Get a whole month of this shit. Just walking around. What's this? A story on the floor? Yeah, put it in. Yeah, throw it in. Holy shit, this one's crazy. Yeah, yeah. Throw it in whichever issue makes sense. Not time sensitive. A local newspaper article is written about Francis and his accremation views. He was now 76 years old.

Jesus. Dr. Lemoine looks as though... He's knocking on the cremation door himself. Dr. Lemoine looks as though water had never touched him for many years. This feels like it might be a... What? He was just like a pruned crust? Well, it feels like it might be a hit piece. His fans and haste... His fans... Oh, Jesus. There you go. Three, let's do... His face. His face. Thank you. The dollop learns to read. The iPad had a clearer.

The grumble. His face and hands are as grimy, sooty, and smeary as those of a chimney sweep in Germany. Not sure what just happened right there. Like, it was... It took a swipe at chimney sweeps and then a swipe at Germany for no fucking reason. The dirtiest chimney sweeps are in Germany where they're fucking wood-burning cunts. Like, what just happened? They don't even sing. I'm not touching that. Just see these. This ragtag bunch.

The old wizard. Wait, what is happening? It's still... They're still talking about Dr. Lemoy. The old wizard. The old wizard and his enormous frame. His tassled, unkept hair. His blackened face. Long, white, grizzly beard. Thin and sharp features and hollow cheeks. And with his wide-loose shirt, which seems to have been dragged through the mire and his baggy formal right now. You're reading this like they're about to fuck.

His big dick came like, okay, like what? Beautiful, hard penis. His dark dick. Big old dark dick. Hot cock hanging out. I had no choice but to suck this wizard's black dick. I just, I had no choice. I sucked that dick white. If you get what I mean. You guys get it. You drained it fully? Aye, captain. His baggy ragged trousers.

Jesus, leave him alone. It's this guy's problem. Camer pant wearing motherfucker. Weird dog piece of shit. Old crusty wizard. Like a raisin with one squinty eye. When he goes limping along. Savagery. He looks like some fantastic wizard of the swamp. Like a mangy plankton. Like the husband of one of the witches of Macbeth. Oh my god. It's a hit piece right here. He never speaks but always shouts or rather roars.

And every sentence ends with a loud sharp hiccup which sounds like, eh? What he doesn't understand is like you almost want to be like, I want to meet this dude. A swamp wizard? Sign me up. But after this, the old wizard does not wait for your reply but goes on in his roaring voice to give you his views on cremation. Like he agreed to this interview at some point. It was like, sure I'd love to sit down and talk about cremation. You know, I read the piece. Very, very vicious.

You're filthy wizard. Okay, that's quite enough. Crawl out of the swamp. Put your dick away. Wizard. The New York Times wrote of Francis, quote, he has always been known as an exceedingly eccentric man being, as the people here say, always on the unpopular side of everything. Francis tried to get the local cemetery to build a crematory but they refused. So he started construction

of one on his property. I'm gonna get this shit done. I'm gonna burn somebody. What are you building? Brick oven pizza thing. How's your health? For people, right? For people. You like, uh, you like a wood-fired pizza or? Love wood-fired pizza. What about wood-fired Tom? Huh? You like a little wood-fired Tom? I'm gonna burn some dudes up in this bitch. No, ready? It's great to meet you. Yeah. They call me the raisin wizard. All right, I'm gonna

actually get out of here because this has taken a huge turn. You know where you should go, why don't you go home? Take the path through the swamp. With the rest of the swamp wizards. Yeah, there's a bunch of them. I command you seaweed. Seaweed? Whatever. Swampweed. Weeds. He started building the uh, crematory on Gallows Hill which was where the counting hangings used to take place, which was on his property. Go ahead. I thought he was a part of the underground railroad.

Yeah, but it doesn't mean, I think that by counting hangings they just mean criminals, not not lynchings. You're thinking of lynching mountains. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My mind went there. He didn't, he tried to buy lynching mountain but he couldn't get it. I put in a hell of an offer. Great offer. The monthly, the overhead kills. Sometimes he put 450 slaves in his room. Just pack them all in. Maybe that's good. No.

They're a part of the underground railroad. It's a high people. Yeah, that's cool, but I can't imagine. It's not cool. Like you're not like, oh joy. I find it weird that you're shitting on one of our white heroes. You can't, you can't take it. Haven't we been through enough as a culture? White people have dealt with the guilt of racism for too long. You don't understand a burden like that, guys. You really, we just... You guys don't, you don't know what we've been through. Boy, the foolish mistakes we made. Anyway, Trump.

Anyway. Someone here's voting for Trump, I know it. Yeah. It is like herpes. Someone has it. One out of five people. One out of five people have tested positive for Trump. Is it one out of five? I think so. Yeah, it's gotta be around there. It might be, it might be hard now. It might be one out of three. It's like a, is that you? That guy raised his hand. Oh, three. We're not auctioning

Trump. I don't know why so many fucking, I'll put a bit in. All right. Anyway. So he builds, he starts building his crematory. This swamp wizard who wants to burn bodies. Until now there was only one known cremation to have taken place in the U.S. Henry Lawrence, 50 years old, was cremated on his plantation in South Carolina. It was done viking style in the open air on a pile of wood. So you do it. Now that's a way to fucking go, right? Yeah. Why, why hide it in some fucking building, man?

But aren't you also supposed to put him down like the river and be like, good God speed. That's how I actually definitely want to go. I want to be burned and put on a raft and float it down a river on fire. What do you guys heard me? What do you think viking style looks like though? What are we talking about? You know, because when I do it, I put on a hat and I fuck my wife. Different thing, different thing, different thing, different thing. I put on a hat. Is that what we're talking about?

Isn't viking style, they put him on a boat and they set it on fire, right? Is that the, yeah. They put him on like you couldn't. Yeah, sure. Thank you, sir. Very helpful. The confidence to shout out, sure. Sure. Sure. Whatever you want, man. History is what you need it to be. Uh, so, uh, people were not down with this, uh, people were not down with this guy being burned on a giant pile of wood in his yard and they said it was a pagan practice.

In 1855, someone attempted a cremation in Wisconsin. You're damn right we did. Transcendence, baby. She's courage and cremation. God damn right. From the Milwaukee Sentinel, quote. I can't believe it's from that paper. Is that still a paper? Yeah, the journal Sentinel is the main paper. Yeah. Uh, I read it every day and I don't hear these sort of tales. It's shocking. Quote, a Russian count has died, this is from 1855, a Russian count has died in Milwaukee and directed her husband

to burn her remains. Burn me. I demand it. How? I demand it. I'm a countess. I'm maybe a vampire. It's a little count Dracula. Well, what do you want? I'm jumping right in. Count Chargula. Fair point. He built a funeral pyre on the shores of Lake Michigan since his actions threatened to touch off a riot in the Christian community of Milwaukee. The county sheriff intervened and the body was buried in compliance with demands of the

angry citizens. So that would didn't go off. Like I want the lady wanted to be burned and the people were like, you can't burn her. It's like right to die. It's like whatever you want, let it happen. Do the shit. Seriously. Who gives a fuck? Stop looking at me like that. I'll look over this direction a little bit more. Jesus, Jesus. Yeah, a lot of judgment. I saw that. The argument against cremation wasn't just religious. It was all also fertilizer-ish. I made that word. I made that word.

It's another word you just made up. I made that word up. From the New York Daily Graphic. Why cremate when there is still so much wasteland in which to bury? Long Island soil needs burial, especially of that practical race of people who wishing to be of utility to mankind after their demise. Are willing through decomposition and consequent enrichment of the soil to promote the growth of cauliflower and potatoes. Dude, you got to run it back. What?

What? Yeah, I'm going to read that again. Yeah, because what is the is there a race element in that? No, I think they're just saying the practical like the they're just saying like the the good people who will give up their body for nourishment. Yeah, I mean read the fine fucking print. What? I don't know. How else do you get cauliflower and potatoes? Who even wants to make that connection? Oh, just that's the best cauliflower's ever are the kind that are grown out of peoples. What type of people?

Boy, who knew grandma would taste so good as cauliflower, huh? There were other ideas to deal with the dead. One reporter wrote that dynamiting the dead was a more speedy method. That is a genius. That is a genius move. How is that not how is that not a thing? That in this country in Trump's America, how are we not exploding ourselves? How can you not die and then have a bunch of fucking dynamite packed in your ass? Okay, all right, so now I'm upgrading my Viking funeral. I want to be jam-full of Roman candles

lit on fire in a canoe, sent down river, and I just I explode like the 4th of July. Just popping out of me. Take that cauliflower. Stupid bitch. An Arizona paper came up with the idea to sell cremation. Throw a living bad man in with the burning corpse and the public would come around and look favorably upon cremation. Dude, you got to read it again. What? Throw a living bad man in with the burning corpse and the public would come around.

What the fuck is a bad man got to do with this? I'm sorry. I thought Batman first, too. Oh no, Batman's not around yet. Yeah, but when he got thrown in he was like, BAM! Explosion! So there's a bad guy and you're like, all right. And you throw him in living? Sure, sure. And then people are like, this is awesome. Who's in charge of this PR? This is entertainment at this point. Well, they loved hangings back then. They would come from miles around

and sit there and watch a guy get hung. You know, you've seen Clint Eastwood movies. All right, people. I'm talking about Gran Torino. I'm aware of which one you're talking about. Or the Obama chair. My favorite movie he made recently. Oh, fuck. Why didn't someone just shoot him with a trank gun right then? I think they did. And then he was like, man, the president's here. A Kansas paper suggested using ashes from cremation to fertilize crops.

Eventually, when cremation is popular, they will have Sarah Betty Douglas Beats or Theodore Victor Turnips. The Theodore Victor Turnips are very good this year. I say we lean into it. You just make it very specific. You're eating your beat friend right now. BFF. Thank you, Dave. I should have gotten two beers. I'm tickled by it. You know what I'm saying, Mike? I don't. Thank you. Your beat friend, whatever. You did a really good job, man. Thank you.

And I think you guys are also doing a great job. I think everyone is doing a great job. Thank you. You're doing great. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. No. It's a new feature. It's a new feature. It's not a Geary Chan time, sir. You're misreading the moment. Can I order a Heineken? Is there something? Not a Geary Chan? No. That's not. That's Heineken. Shot of Heineken. No. I think I have rubber band-aids. I can't believe you drank that. Colonel Henry Steele Alcott, who was a member of the New York Cremation Society,

was also the co-founder of a spiritualist organization called The Theosophical Society. Austrian-born nobleman, Baron de Pomme, came to New York in 1875. He was so fancy when he walked in, too. I could tell just by the way you're reading it. He was fancy. Everyone was like, look at the Baron. Look at him. And he joined the society. The Baron got sick shortly after arriving and died on May 20th, 1876. Well, he had a good run. Yeah, we had him for a whole two sentences. He had a hell of a run.

He was probably walking around fancy as fuck. I'm just tight. He left his estate to Alcott with the instructions to arrange a funeral of Eastern with Eastern notions of death and then to have his body cremated. He really is asking. Like, be more specific. They'd be hands you with the sword or something. Like, what is a Eastern method of death? What is that? What the fuck is that? You're gonna find out. Oh, no. Of your choosing whichever one you want to practice.

So, the Baron had known a woman who had been buried alive. So he saw cremation as the, he saw cremation as the answer to that issue. Wait. And did anybody see a flaw in that thinking? Oh my God, I'm on fire. Like that flaw. Right. So he doesn't want to be buried alive. So he's like, so just burning. But he doesn't know about other options. He's like, I've heard the two. I've heard all two of them. And I, I obviously just burned me. Yeah. But what about putting in there? Check my pulse. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of set me on fire. Set me on fire. Yeah. Check my pulse. Many things to do.

You're like, I went and got drinks and didn't get us any. No, are you serious? Now I'm a total fucking asshole. No, thank you. I was kidding. I was kidding. Oh my God, a tater touch came out of my mouth. It's such a lie. Venison piss. Yeah. It's like piss that comes out of a dead deer. Yeah. Like, it's been, it's been jerky. Oh, that's way better. Well, hello. I like your tattoo, by the way. Yeah, it's very nice. I also like your tattoo. So you don't like it? As long as you get something else, man. You don't like it?

Our tattoo was dope. All right. I didn't see the tattoo before. I was too busy dealing with my fucking Kindle. Here we go. He won't show up about this the whole drive home. Mark my words, Dave. So the Baron left his entire estate to all caught with the instructions to arrange the Eastern funeral, right? Sure. He is, all caught was thrilled to have a body to burn finally. Quote, here at last was the chance of having a body to burn. It's like I said. So it's just like I said. So the quote is very accurate of the moment he feel.

No misinterpretation. No, not very straight, straightforward guy, straight shooter. I finally get to burn one. Everyone thought all caught had inherited a fortune. But when he opened the Baron's trunk, he found two of his own shirts from which the stitched name mark had been picked out. Several unpaid bills, some faded letters from actresses in pre-Madonna's and worthless legal documents. So it'll still burn. He was just a poor fancy guy. Like he came to America because he had no fucking money. And they acted like he was a Baron.

And then he had no money. He's just some poor guy who wants to be burned. Let's burn him, fuck it. Feel the burn. So all caught held a funeral for the Baron as requested. The Colonel devised an elaborate funeral ceremony held in the New York's Masonic Temple. In the Masonic Temple? Yeah, in the Masonic Temple. Oh, well, everything's normal there, so that'll be fine. After the ceremony, Baron's body was to be given to the New York Cremation Society, which would organize the cremation. The New York media labeled it a pagan funeral.

The New York World newspaper made fun of it, predicting all caught would officiate dressed as an Egyptian priest while attended to by slaves bearing cider and asparagus. What? For the worst smell ever? What is happening? I'm lost. I don't know. They just poke in fun at the dude. The day of the funeral, there were 2,000 people in the temple and others trying to force their way inside. The police were called to hold them off. The police were like, sorry, what's the emergency? One more time. Sorry, I turned on the radio, now I can hear. Everyone's trying to get into the temple to see a funeral?

Right, right, right. Any crowd control? Sure. And the asparagus thing? We have slaves giving asparagus to people. Okay, okay. I'm not going to lie, this is a new call. I haven't fielded this one yet. There's an Egyptian priest? Of course there is. Okay, so just slaves throwing asparagus? I'm on acid. I'm on acid. I thought so, sir. Okay, what you're going to need to do is take a little vitamin B, okay? Take a little vitamin B. Call me right down. Remember, you took something. The service included references to fire worship, Darwin's evolutionary theory, Egyptian mystery cults, spiritualism, the Nile goddess Isis, the Hindu scriptures,

and American transcendentalism. Packed it all in. It's a lot. It's a long menu. A screaming Methodist stood up and had to be forcibly removed. Of course, of course. Aren't they the ones with snakes? No, that's the... Baptists? We are the chillest ever, have you heard of Buddhists? We are the chillest ever, she said. We are the chillest ever. Methodists. Okay. I think there's a Quaker that'll take you up on that, maybe the shit out of you. To calm everyone down, Alcott walked up to the body, put his hand on it, and yelled, we're in the presence of death. Well, that'll take tempers down.

And everybody quieted down. Yeah. It was like, oh cool. It's starting. They're starting. It's exciting. But the New York Cremation Society was upset. They hated the ridicule. This crazy funeral was not what they were looking for, to convince people to cremate their dead friends. Well, which is a great point. I mean, that's not how you get cremation. Yeah, it's terrible. It's terrible. Like before that, you got to have an Egyptian priest and... Yeah, it's a lot of bells and whistles. A lot of bells and whistles. The society then ended their association with the baron's cremation.

Alcott was on his own. That meant he had to figure out how and where to cremate the baron. He briefly considered doing a giant pile of wood fire thing and burning him in the open air of New York City. Sure. But authorities said, fuck no. Why? Just down on the bower. He just fucking set in some dude on fire. For sure. Alcott injected the baron's body with arsenic to preserve it. Because he's got to figure out where he's going to burn it. He's really committed to this. He's dedicated. At what point is this weekend at Bernie's? He's... Thank you for the beer, by the way. Now. Thank you, Dylan.

I'm gonna put a baby in you. Dave, not how it works. I'm not okay. That's how I thank people. Nope. It's called the Chicago Way. No, no, no, no. Oh, good. This broke. I'll free Mike. So he then contacted Francis. Francis had been building the crematory for himself. Not the public. It was just a private. It was gonna be a private one. Like a country club. For bodies. And Alcott wrote him and asked if he could cook the baron there. Jesus Christ. I don't know if those are the exact words. There's no way it is. He just text him.

That's how the pizza started. Right there. I get it. That's what this episode is about. It's just called the birth of pizza. That is amazing. I've been waiting all night to you that joke. I just didn't know when to slide it in. Yeah, you picked a good time. Thank you. Thank you. Picked a good time. Give me some. Give me some. Thank you. All right. That is amazing. You know, I had an idea when we were cooking the baron the other night. Ever get the late night munchies? Uh, yeah. So Alcott wanted to show the feasibility of cremation.

Francis agreed and they got the necessary permits. That was in the fucking research. What permits? It's not no one's doing it. Like there's, but there's a fucking office you go down to. You're like, look, man, I need a cremation license. Yeah, you guys got to fill out a couple more WTOs. And Alcott arranged for scientists, clergymen, educators and journalists to witness the cremation. They were there to see, quote, whether cremation was really a scientific method of burial, whether it was cheaper than burial, whether it offered any repugnant features,

and how long it would take to incinerate a body. The big four. But I don't understand how are people so like, what will it be? It's going to be like a log. It's just going to go to ash eventually. Well, they don't know. They don't know what's going to happen. They've never done it before. Don't touch my broken legs. What's your buddies, man? It's simple. Yeah. What's happening? Oh, we're just figuring out the stand. We fixed it.

The crematory construction dragged on and the corpse wasn't doing so well. To keep the body in shape long enough to be burned, an undertaker from Roosevelt Hospital, who was described as, quote, a big, burly, red-faced, heavy, mustache German. Very specific. Was called into embalm, the baron. Oh my God. That's sexy. Embarining. The red baron. That's right. Embalming was not routine at this point. It had been used during the Civil War to get the dead home to the relatives. The red-faced German took the guts out of the baron, and then packed the cavity and covered the skin with his own recipe of potter's clay

and crystallized carbolyic acid. Quote, the best way to keep the old man, he said. That's one of those things where you're like, this is not what we talked about. We talked to you. You said you wanted a little creative freedom, and now he's a goddamn pot. What are you doing? They're marinating him right now. This is some weird. Slow cook. He's going to come out great. You're going to love the baron. He then put the embalmed corpse in a casket and stored it in a vault in a Lutheran cemetery in Williamsburg, New York. Is he just burying it? That's what it sounds like, right? It feels like it's a smoke. Yeah, no, I embalmed him. I embalmed him, covered him with clay.

I'll put him in a tomb for a little while. Then, two to three years, we cremate when the iron's cold. And we get him when he's not expecting it. When he least expects it, we sneak attack the baron's tomb. Five, 15 years for 30 years from now. Slow play. Really get him. You got to sneak up on a cremation. The German brought reporters to the tomb to show them his work. Come on. What was that like? I got to show you something. Come here, look at this. Any questions? I took all the guts out and I put some clay on his face. You guys want to ask me some questions about him? He's from Brooklyn, Germany. He's very small. When he did, he tapped the baron's head and said, quote,

as tough as soul leather, he ain't as dry as he ought to be, but I guess he'll burn nicely. These are fucked up people. Way too excited for this shit. Who's in the tomb tapping the head of a dead guy? Oh, he'll burn nice. Well, think about it though. They don't have internet. They don't have TV. This is it. No, you guys are going to like what we got tonight for you. They're going to burn up real nice. This is their housewives at Beverly Hills. Yeah. This is the empire. They're like, okay. I'm sorry. No, it's very much. Once we get this clay off and we light them on fire, I think everyone's going to be real impressed with our process. Again, I have no idea what I'm doing. I just want to make that very clear.

Finally, the crematory was finished. It was a red brick building 30 feet by 20 feet. It looked like a country schoolhouse, but it had three chimneys. What are we going to learn about today, mister? Wrong building, wrong building. You're going to learn about fire, Timmy. Get in there. Yeah. Get in where? Get in the building. Go in the schoolhouse. Okay. There's a little room in back. There's a puppy. Where are the other kids? There's a puppy inside. Where are the other kids? There's a puppy in the back room. You go in there. There better be a goddamn puppy. You locked the middle door. What am I doing? Lock it. Why would I lock myself in here? There's no puppies. Burn you little motherfucker. Oh my God. Next week on schoolhouse.

Well, that was another fine pickle we worked ourselves into, janitor Anderson. Oh, shit. Yeah, that was fucked up. Took a turn. That was a little dark. Got a little dark. That was a tonsiling Gretel. Everybody. Thank you. You were a teacher in Chicago. You probably wanted to do that. I have no comment on that, sir. I can't publicly say that I want to burn children in schoolhouses. I don't know what you know about PR, but I don't think that's something I can do. We don't know anything about PR, but say whatever you like about burning kiddies. Dave, hello. On record, finally. Pro Gretel babies. The curvitory cost $1,500 to build. Inside, there were two rooms. One full of little stuffed animals.

Look at all these beanie babies. The first was the reception room with chairs and tables and a place to display the corpse. That's in the reception room? Yeah, there's a reception room. That's your appointment. Everybody can hang out and talk. Sorry, the magazines are so old. And this dead man. I should have looked this up. I didn't know what it was, and I meant to look it up. There was a column barium to hold urns. There was a what? Column barium. Column barium? Anybody in Undertaker? Sir, you are a killer. All right. Especially from the Lincoln seat. It's a place where you store ashes. I've said too much. Small cloud. Back to hell, I go. My favorite podcast. If you guys had signed my car, that would just be.

Anyway, bye-bye. We're signing urns. Now that's going to happen. She loves you guys. She's my grandma. She thought you guys are great. She loved the Rube. She really was a Rube fan. She met him. She fucked him. She fucked him. Anyway, to Tim. So is it like a shelf? It's a vault. Okay. So it's like a post office for dead people. It's like a post that you go in before people. Yeah, you go there and you're like, did me more arrive? Oh, yay.

So it's a wall with little junk mail, junk mail, grandpa, junk, junk, gaspill, junk. There was the furnace room. It was built of brick and had a coal-fired clay furnace. The furnace was designed to prevent fire from touching the corpse, so the body was supposed to be burned by heat alone. Okay. Yeah, that doesn't seem right. I mean, that's cooking. That's grilling. Yeah. They're grilling. They're not cremating yet. They think they are, but they're actually just grilling. Yeah, they're just grilling. They're like Arby's. Except they're not grilling at Arby's. We got the meats. I got you. I don't know. No. Reporters came to look at the crematory. One said the building looked like, quote,

a large cigar box, very plain, repulsively so, as crude as a bake oven. As crude as a what? Bake oven. It was some basic, some basic shit, right? It was just, it was like no artistry in it. Like they were not, yeah, they wanted it to look like it was nothing. No, there was no art. No one had like painted fish on the outside. There was no artistry at all. It was just a box. It's basic bitch shit. I got you. Exactly. The Baron was shipped out on December 4th. Okay. I mean, at this point, what is the Baron? He hasn't been burnt yet? No, he's not been burnt. No, he's just like in clay. Like, when do I get burned? I had a plan. But let me say something right now. December 4th. You guys remember when he died?

No. May 20th. Jesus Christ. This motherfucker has been sitting in a tomb waiting to get cooked. Jesus. Oh my God. I don't even mean to say it, but the smell. I said I don't mean to say it. I'm going to say it, but I don't mean to. It's an accident. Man. But that must have, like the second you crack that clay, you're like, oh, he's really, he's ripe. He is ripe. The Baron was shipped by train to Pennsylvania. All caught gathered, Theosophists, hospital representatives, health officials, doctors, lawyers, and journalists on the train to ride to Washington. They were all like, can we sit in a different car? The smell is very pungent. No, you have to sit in this car with the body. This is how cremations work.

You put a body on a train and it burns? When the train was outside of Pittsburgh, the red faced German could not find the corpse. Fairly misplaced him and I'm very hot again. That's his little Swedish. Well, buddy one, my mom's fetish. My dad is from fucking Germany. Our chimney sweeps fucking miserable. Diverse. So the red, red faced German quote, how can we have a cremation without a corpse? My God, I was in an awful fix and nobody knows anything about it. I called the conductor if he's got the corpse. What? Hey, guy, guy, drive on the train. Did you throw a huge piece of coal into the train? Did you take a, I had a guy. I ate like a dead guy. Did you maybe pick him up with a hat?

Or I'm looking for a six foot tall clayman. He was on the train and God, the smell. No. So if you picked him up, maybe put him in your pocket. I don't know. He's misplaced. He's sitting on another train. What, what do you take me for? Do you think I'm an undertaker? He said, well, I got frantic. I thought somebody had stolen our corpse to turn this whole cremation business into ridicule. But I found him. He was with my keys. What I am mad about is only that in hunting about for the corpse, I missed breakfast. That's all that quote is all the information I could find on the missing corpse. At no point did

he say where it was or where he found it. He just talked about breakfast. Did, did he get breakfast? He never got breakfast. Well, see, there's two victims. It's bullshit. He was probably starving. He's big, fat German. The train arrived in Washington on December 5th. The Baron's body was transferred to quote, a woefully shabby hearse with a crowd of dirty boys and rural yokels almost staring their eyes out. Dirty boy. I mean, what? Dirty boys and yokels. And an almost hearse? Woefully shabby hearse. How do you almost woefully shabby woefully shabby woefully. Okay, I was gonna say woefully. It probably was. It's just a little dirty clay at this point.

No, yes, that's Chicago. They just arrived in Chicago. Yep, fresh in Chicago. A lot of people were surprised to see the coffin because a rumor had started that the baggage car had caught fire near Pittsburgh and the body had been cremated by accident. That would have shown those religious people a thing or two, huh? Well, God finally labeled it okay. He's not vetoing it. James Wolfe, a local fireman, took control of the body. He was going to be in charge of stoking the crematory furnace. Stoking it? Yes, just getting the fire going. I guess throwing coal in there, right? He's a fireman. Control burn. Right. It's a control burn. It's not like

yeah, he's throwing coal in there, right? Or other people. Okay. I'll cut at the train depot, open the coffin so everyone gathered there to get a good look at the body. So everyone can see how successful the embalming had been. Quote. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Quote. No, Dave. Quote. The embalming process had not been so successful. Let's go. No spectable more horrible was ever shown to my mortal eyes. Oh, my God. I mean, he's just cut. He's all these decaying. He's covered. He looks like Brandon Frazier and Encino man. That's a reference for you thinkers in the crowd. What about Christian Bale from The Machinist? You devil. Yeah, girl. The Baron had shrunk from

175 pounds to 92 pounds. Well, that's, that's, look, that's, that's the ideal weight he always had on his vision board. He always wanted to get down to that weight. Goals, huh? Yeah. Yeah. And that wasn't easy, by the way. PX 90. Yeah. Or P90X. Whatever. Fuck. Really? That's okay. PX 90 is when you quit it. PX. I'm out. No, fuck that. That's a prescription. Yeah. Quote. He presented a painful and repulsive appearance. The cavities of the cheeks were still filled in by dark flesh. There was a skeleton look about the eyes because the globes had collapsed and two blank cavities. That means it's a skeleton. And two blank cavities were left. The head was barely covered with dry, dusty gray hair. The nose was gone, leaving just bones and

cartilage. This is six months later. No, he's not alive. He's dead. He's dead. He's been dead for months. He's dead. If you're weight, you're on a different dollop. He woke up and said, what the fuck happened? I need water. This isn't the dollop I signed up for. I would love some food and water. My clay coffin's been weird. The lips were shrunken and blackened and wide open. That's in right now. They're doing that all over Williamsburg. That is. That's huge. His arms and legs were shriveled so one could see his joints and tendons. It was just the outline of a skeleton covered by some muscular and nervous tissue. You don't even do a pre-check where you're just sort of like, let me see how this worked out. A little curiosity. Yeah, just sort of like,

whatever it sucks. Now you're like, everyone get in here. Come on. The big show's about to my god, he's a skeleton. Oh my god. Some people were having a good time. The people who didn't see him? Quote, for all the ceremony that was observed, one might have supposed that the company had been assembled to have a good time over a roast pig. Kind of what was happening. After some pretty buxom chubby-faced laughing girls crowded around staring at the Baron's ghastly grinning skull, all caught order the coffin be closed. What were the girls? I don't know, but they're pretty and they're chubby-faced and laughing and then they just were dancing around his fucking awful skull grin face. What if you walked into the wrong car on the train? Oh my god. Oh my god. What the fuck?

Put the cart in the car. Car four is off limit for the kids. Don't let the kids in car four. There's some shit going on. This is going on the train? No, it's they're off the train. He just did a thing there and I went with it. But he's off story. Yep. I'm sorry. All caught said, quote, there should be none of that horror of roasting human flesh and bursting entrails, which makes one shudder at an open air pyre burning. How is this like pro cremation? They're like they haven't done any this. So people like cremation doesn't work. He's been in clay for eight months. This is all about ego. This is just showing people totally about ego. Yeah, look what I did and then like no, that sucked. All right. And now he has to like prove that that didn't suck by making the burning

batter. This is just all about some narcissistic shit in the 1700s. I'm sorry. This is very bad people. Not much redeeming. I'm judging right now. You're allowed to. There would be none of the unpleasant odor that sometimes sickens one who drives past an Indian burning pyre, drives past. Just who's driving past burning Indians? I knew where they were. It was on the way. I'd be like, check it out. That wasn't on the map. Yeah. Waze is saying Home Depot in a Native American burning ceremony. Four of them up ahead and a Carl's Jr. Thank you for warning me about this Indian burning. Does this affect your time? Did you see a cop? About 40 need to go to Home Depot.

Go ahead. About 40 eyewitnesses went inside the crematory as well as a crowd of about a thousand outside. Most of them were local residents opposed to cremation. The New York Times quote a noisy pushing crowd outside were coarse in their ideas and conduct and many a brutal joke concerning the dead man went through the crowd to the disgust of the more respectable visitors. A reporter inside lifted the sheet covering the Baron to get a look at his genitals. Fucking Larry. I said, don't. Before we came down here, I said, don't look at his dick. Look at his dick. Look at his dick. I said, don't look at his dick. Hold, stop yelling. God damn it. Come over here and look at it.

You're fucking embarrassing me. Looks like a dried cocktail wiener. Can we look in one corpse without you trying to get a fucking shot of it? Now I'm getting labeled as the corpse dick guy. Get over here and look at it. His balls are so weird. He's been dead for like six months. I know, but even keeping that in mind, these are weird nuts. Get a look. I don't want to look. Come on. I'm vomiting by looking at his face. You then you got to see if we came all the way. Hey, we drove two hours. Oh my God. Why is he hard? That's on me. Actually, you took a while. I just, I was fiddling. I wanted to make a show of it.

It's mostly clay boner. Oh, I'm crying. Hey, let's jerk him off. Oh, dust came out. Oh, I think he had asparagus. Was that from this one or the last one? That was this one. It better be this one. It's done a lot in the past couple. We've done $19 in the past two days. Well, the numbers are off or three. New from the New York Herald quote, everybody wanted to see the body enter the furnace. There was a rush to the furnace. Did I already do this? No.

From the dirty boys and the rough country folks outside. Oh, you don't want to get the dirty boys mixed up with the rough country folks. Who the fuck are the dirty boys? Hey, did you worry about it? That sounds like a rap group from the 1790s, right? Like, bunch of free slaves got together and recorded the album and the dirty boys with the Z at the end. Now look, I don't like black people, but have you heard the dirty boys? Turn me around. Turn me around on slavery. Very good. Really good, the dirty boys. Very good.

You know, they have a Z at the end. That's right. First time that's been done. So the dirty boys in rough country folks outside who flatten their noses against the window panes to enjoy this delectable spectacle. Oh my God. They made joking grimaces at those inside. The firemen tried to keep the crowd out of the furnace room. And after a tough struggle, they pushed them back into the reception room. Where there's also bodies. They nearly swept away the four men carrying the iron crib with the Baron's body. Jesus, all that to drop him.

So it's a fucking rager. Yeah. Like this is a party now. Pressing noses. Absolutely. From the New York Herald, there was not the slightest reverence or even decent respect for the memory of the departed among the crowd in the reception room who were loafing about with their hats on their heads, some smoking, and others talking and laughing. It's a fucking party. Let them smoke. Right. What's the big deal about smoking?

You're gonna be like, oh God, it smells like cigarettes instead of a dead playman. God, that man has his hat on his head. We're trying to burn a human. Everything is in play after you pull up the sheet and look at his genitals. Yeah. That's true. That's the climax of everything. Someone has created the end. Yeah, there's nothing else you can do. Where else can you go?

I can't smoke in here. He was just looking at Clayman's dick for like 30 minutes and telling that other guy to do it. Unless some guy is taking a corn cob and shoving in his ass, like no one can top what happened. I just want to see how it tastes when it's cooked. What? That's what this psychopath would say that we invented just now.

Biting style. Biting style, corn. And then in came corn cob Tommy. How y'all doing? I got this for the bottom. All Cotton Francis debated whether to place the body in head first or feet first. Jesus, just get it in. Just the tip.

They finally settled on head first and at 8.30 AM slid the body into the furnace from a newspaper. Quote. I can't believe they're finally cremating him. Oh my God. It's been so long. I'm so long now, yeah. But, quote.

The cast iron lid swung heavily open. The crib was quickly pushed in and old wolf, the fireman, shut it quickly with a loud bang and knowing that the difficult work was nearly completed, he chuckled heartily and performed the first steps of a jig. You never know how the moment is going to hit you. You got to be able to ad-lib. I shouldn't have done that.

I apologize everybody. I really, this is a- He looked at his dick. By the way, he was looking at his dick and I think sucking it, if I remember correctly. I think he sucked it a little. I'm sorry, that was actually me. Oh, a couple of guys have been.

Anyway, the jig was ill-advised. All right. Where's the corn? Still cooking. Times. Quote. There was a momentary sizzle and a bit of smoke, but soon the door was cemented shut with the furnace made airtight.

The evergreens scattered over the body and the hair around the head caught on fire. The flames formed a crown of glory for the dead man. At first, witnesses were repelled by the smell of burning flesh. And then. Oh, that's awful. But soon the sweeter aromas of pine and spices banished foul odors from the room. Well, now this is like Christmas. So they put a bunch of fucking-

I asked you, but how do you get beyond it being a body? You're like, oh, it's st- Oh, I love pine. I love pine. Did somebody light a candle? Oh, it's like a great plug-in. Did somebody light a candle? It is lovely.

It is lovely. Merry Christmas, man. Merry Christmas to you. I don't want to say Merry Christmas to you guys, honestly. You know what? I got you some genitals. Oh, my God. I love genitals.

You guys want some corn? Thank you. I got a bunch of corn. Too much. Eat the corn slow. What do you guys eat the corn? But real slow. Just suck the corn.

It tastes assy. Tastes like- Tastes assity? Assy. Tastes like cauliflower. Well, I don't know how that's possible. You marinate how you marinate. Witnesses peer through a people on the side of the furnace.

So about an hour into the proceedings- Why is there a people? Because everyone wanted to get a fucking peeky. Put a fucking window there. A people, big people. If you're looking at a dead man's dick, there is a people. Okay, like, I told you. I'm saying make it an aquarium.

That's near, son. You make it like a cupcake place where you'd like get to see the people cook it. You're like, oh, look at that. Oh, God. Later, the mist- Oh, wait. About an hour into the proceedings,

a rose-colored mist enveloped the body. Later, the mist turned to gold. Meanwhile, the corpse became- The corpse became red hot and then transparent and luminous. After some time, the left hand- Hollow man. After some time, the left hand of the Baron rose up

and three of his fingers pointed skyward. The shocker. Yeah. Like, if you saw that, I think he wants us to stop. And then it turned to one finger. And then a thumb up as it went down in the lava. He was like, one in the pink, two in the stink. And then he just burnt out.

These scientists- Yay! Oh, God, he's trying to tell us something. The scientist present attributed this incident to involuntary muscular contractions, but others saw it as something of a spiritual phenomenon. Of course it did. It's the fucking 1800s.

They're like, yeah. It's the Holy Trinity. From a newspaper. Quote, meanwhile, Dr. Lemoine was saying to every rough who came along, walk in, sir, take a peep. Although he first pretended to be particular about admitting only scientists. All sorts of disgusting jokes were being cracked.

One man was inquiring if the old Baron was perspiring. I'm inquiring about whether or not the Baron is perspiring. Yeah, we got it. I'm part of the dirty boys. We actually play down the street. Yes! Yes! All together, around 600 came through to see the burning body.

The cremation was officially called at 11.12 a.m. A Dr. Folsom formally pronounced the incineration complete. He was then placed in an urn. Some people were happy- Not the doctor. No. All right, it's complete. Get in the urn.

They smashed the doctor into the urn. Push him hard. Get him in there. He's really going to have trouble. It's tiny. I think you're doing this the wrong way. Shut up, you little man. Some people were happy, others were disgusted,

and some people asked for a handful of the Baron's ashes. Not the disgusted group. One asked for just a pinch of the Baron. Just a tiny taste. He'll put a rat in here. Going to put a rat in between my cheek. I'm curious what it feels like when you snort the Baron. So I'd like to cut him up in lines and snort him.

The cremation was reported across the country in every newspaper, but the exact same day, there was a fire at New York City's Brooklyn Theater that killed 200 people, which pushed the Baron's cremation off the front pages. All caught later wrote in his diary, the greater cremation, weakened public interest in the lesser.

Wow. That is bitter. Bitter much. Jesus. A little bit bitter. It is crazy. Like 200 people were massively cremated. Like when they were like, it took nine and a half months for one.

You guys did 200 in an afternoon. Holy shit. What are you guys using? Oh, it's a theater. That is out of the box. I like that. Yeah. We're super into cremating over here in Brooklyn.

Were they all in clay? No, no, they were wearing nice clothes. They were just up for an evening out. Interesting. I guess that's West Coast, East Coast. I guess that's one of those. Man, they scream. They really scream.

Yeah. Well, mine had a lot of the shocker. So I've been there, done there. The New York Times described it as, quote, an experiment in scientific roasting. The cremation was a success. The first careful and inodorous baking of a human being in an oven.

A few months after the cremation, Mr. Wolf the Fireman wrote, directed, and produced a play that was a satirical look at the cremation. Wait, the fireman? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been bit by the bug. Hey, I finally got an idea for my one-man show. Cremation.

It ended with, quote, the shoving in and blazing up of the body. He was then fired from his moonlighting. He was then fired from his moonlighting job at the crematory. He said almost everyone in Washington was against the cremation. From the New York Herald, quote,

who wants to be cremated? Certainly not the good people of Washington. Well, sir, said an old weather-beaten farmer the day of the cremation. There'll be only one man more cremated, and that's old Dr. Lemoine himself. Why don't you want to be cremated? The writer asked.

Not much, sir. The countryman replied with a broad grin. Not the right answer, the reporter said. And added emphatically, this cremation business may do well enough for an old fellow like this Baron and the old doctor who are rotten to the core anyhow. But do you suppose I'd like to see

a friend or relative burned up? No, sir. Suppose you had a wife or child or brother. Would you like to see any of them cremated? He asked with a withering scorn. Another group of rough-looking cutchermans said, that old doctor is an old brute anyhow, and that's the reason why he wants to burn

not only himself, but all of his family. Why, just think of a man wanting to burn up his daughters. He has five of them, two of them unmarried, and he's driven the crazy idea of wanting to be burnt up into their heads. Did you notice that the old man never washes himself? He's an abolitionist, and always was. He wants to abolish washing.

I love that that's, that's like his final, he's an abolitionist. He thinks you shouldn't own people. Yeah. Something wrong with that one. The time when being an abolitionist was like, he's cuckoo beneath, so he's fucking nuts. On July 31st, 1877, Dr. Charles Winslow

became the second person to be cremated in America in Salt Lake City. 100 people witnessed the event. A few months later, in November, Julius Kircher got everyone riled up in New York City when, after arguing with his Jewish wife about whether their dead eight-day-old son should be buried in a Lutheran Jewish cemetery,

he cremated the infant in a furnace in his paint factory. Now that's not cremation. That's not cremation at all. Well, you're right, you're right to feel that way. I mean, he was already dead, so that's the sad part. You guys did not get sad at that. That just sounds like a murder. It's not a murder that kid was already dead.

Yeah, but he probably, I mean, you know, he's like, oh, he was, I wanted to get rid of him. He got tired of arguing with his fucking wife. I want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. How about I set him on fire down at the paint factory? Sorry, what was the last part, honey? Leave the keys, leave the keys. Fuck you.

Excuse me? Tear your face. You need to. I'm gonna burn our boy. Okay, everybody, slow down. Let's take the bull-bass horns right there. I haven't been drinking for a while, and now I want to burn our baby.

Is that weird? You got a Jewish face, and I got a Lutheran one. Glad we're married. Let's make another dead baby. When you're done, I'll start. Let's do it that way. Let's get, I want to have dinner, of course. I'll start.

I won't wait for you to be done. On February 15th, 1878, Mrs. Benjamin Pittman became the first woman to be cremated in America. Yeah. I think you yelled something about sausages. You said push pops. Push pops. Stop trying to rant.

I think sometimes people get so drunk, they just start yelling out the random names of desserts. Ring pop. Laffy taffy. Drumsticks. Micah knocks. Sweetest fish. Push pops.

Good and bloody. Races, peanut butter, cups. And pieces. Push pops. She was the second to be cooked in Francis' crematory. Francis Lemoine died on October 14th, 1879. And was buried. From diabetes.

Oh, not a good job. Yep, yep, yep. Diabetes. What was, how does the, how does the old guy from Coconcini? Diabetes. He died from diabetes. He was the third person to be cremated in his crematorium. The Tribune reported on the cremation and said that

cremation, to most minds, seems barbarous and inhuman. The papers around the country declared cremation dead in the water. People just weren't. At this point, I was tired. People just weren't interested, they said. Then in 1884, Dr. Samuel Gross, ex-president of the AMA, and a very well-respected surgeon, was cremated.

This created positive publicity for cremation. Massachusetts passed a law permitting cremations, and two attempts to outlaw cremation in Pennsylvania and New York were defeated. Now, Francis' crematorium was never public. The country's first fully public crematory opened in Lancaster, Pennsylvania in 1884. By the end of 1880s, cremations were being performed in New York City, Buffalo, St. Louis, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Los Angeles,

Detroit, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore. I'm sorry, Chicago's not on here. Just say it is. Backwards, fuck. In Chicago. Malore. In 1899. That makes a Chicago. In 1899, 24 crematories were operating in the U.S.

Francis' crematory was used 42 times before closing in 1901. 1900, the New York Tribune, quote, modern cremation is not a fad, it has come to stay. Colonel Alcott died in India in 1907, where he was cremated. Jesus. And the dirty, what were they called? The dirty boys. The dirty boys.

The dirty boys. They had their album in 1908, go to number one. Yeah. Exhumed it was called. Hell of an album. You guys, thank you for coming. Yeah, thank you very much. We'll be signing posters and selling posters and signing them.

Yeah, we don't have a lot of posters, but we'll take pictures. We have a lot of posters still. Oh, we do. We have too many posters. And then after that, we'll sign cars. Which is an insane thing to say. I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't.

You know, you say stuff. The guy was like, he's going to sign my car after the show. I was like, what the fuck is wrong? I'm sorry, who are you? And what's your plan? Why do you want that? He's like, that's what they do. David, you got any gigs coming up that you want to tell the good people in Chicago about?

Oh, man, yeah. I'm at Second City tomorrow for Afrofuturism. I'm there every Wednesday at eight. I'm at the lab factory on Friday for the 10 o'clock show. But fuck all that. Just follow me on social media, man. It's just Dave, Helen, H-E-L-E-M, and you all can see where I'm at. Thank you all for allowing me.

He's a very funny comedian. Thank you, man. Please support him. Yeah. And if, yeah. And anything else? No, we just, we thank you guys very much. This is great.

Yeah, you guys are awesome. And we love you. And we love you. We want to permit you. So thank you. We signed cars. Signed cars. Thank you.