The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 168 - The Past Times with Steph Tolev

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and Steph Tolov SOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the past times. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. Shut up. You know what we do here. Each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony.

I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest the great Steph Tolov. How are you? Thanks for having me. Steph, you're hot right now. You're hot. Thanks for doing this.

Sure. Am I? Okay. Yeah. You're hot right now, Steph. Okay. if you say so yeah well I will say

I thought your special I guess I haven't watched enough specials for this to have any meaning or the fact that nobody cares about my opinions so your special was I thought the best special last year it was so fucking good you sent me a very nice voice memo and I really enjoyed it oh and Steph why don't you tell everyone

what you replied to that what did I not reply I think I sent a video message maybe It might have been on audio I literally think it was like a It might have been a thumbs up But like there was like a text after But it was like I was like Steph your special

So fucking good all this stuff And then I think Steph was like Later loser No I'm not good with compliments I just I was like okay It's almost too much And then you know All right it's not very good

How about that? That I hate She didn't come back with a thumbs down So why don't you just Yeah I'm gonna be honest this whole thumbs-upping or the ha-ha. I want the ha-ha's written out. And I'd rather, sounds good.

I like the ha-hars written out. But let me tell you something. Once people told me that the thumbs-up is often seen as sarcastic or not that great, upsets people, it just caused me to do thumbs up more. It's just a weird guy. Yeah, yeah. Some people, especially the younger kids. Yeah, guys my age, like, when we do that, we're like, it's like our way of doing.

Lower half-millennials, they get upset by the accent. to anybody younger than 40. I'm repulsed by them. I have nothing to say. 35, fine. But younger than that, I'm like, what do we, what am I? Chris DeLeo? I have nothing to say to these people.

I'm not, I actually know. Cut that out. That is a friend. This shows. Right. Now we can't get him. We are friends of DeLeo. We love Chris.

We love Chris. From the top. Steph, step. I got Chris's name tattooed on my neck. Shut up. Filth queen. All right, come on. Welcome to the past times.

We're a Christalia fan podcast. You know we do. Each week we go through one of the women that Chris, that's a tortellate. Okay. Oh, God. Can you imagine? Oh, God.

Hey, hey, you'd never run out of episodes. I would say probably more fruitful than this one where we go through endless old newspapers. You're on tour. Is your story about going to the mothership? Do you tell people of that or is that like an inside comment?

Yes. No, it went viral, and then I got like death threats from some of Roan fans. I did, really? I did. Honestly, you want this funny part, though? Only three, which I found so alarming. One for each foot. One guy was on TikTok live and he goes, I'm friends with Joe and he's coming for you. I'm like, I'm ready. Absolutely not happening. No. Do you know the most annoying thing of that whole thing was? So the clip went viral. Also, my ticket sales through the roof. Of course, the story for people, the story for people who don't know. So I got kicked out of the green room because I wasn't invited in. It's an exclusive club.

It's very exclusive. And then I was on Santino's podcast and he asked me my opinion on the mothership. And I was like, I said my honest opinion. I was like, look, I was there one night where I had to watch all these comics say the F word and the R word and like just demean women the whole time. So I said it's misogynistic, homophobic and, you know, they're racist. It's called the mothership just for the record, but keep going. And so that clip went like crazy viral. And the worst part, this is where I get pissed.

I said misogynistic. It was my big, my big push here because there's like two women there a fucking month or whatever it is. And then Rogan brought it up on his podcast. So I mentioned Justin Martindale because that was the guy I had to watch get called the F word for 15 minutes after he just murdered. A phenomenal comedian in his own. He fucking killed. And then I had to watch a comic just to grade him for no reason who was bombing. anyways

that so the clip of me saying Justin Martinale Rogan mentions on his podcast and I was like someone's like I think you're mentioned on Rogan I was like

yes yes here we go he goes and who's this Justin Martindale guy Justin didn't say anything he's so fucking

misogynistic he didn't even recognize a woman was in the fucking clip saying this because I was like oh do you know how excited I was

I was like if Rogan says I suck you I'd be wearing a t-shirt right now saying Joe brother and stuff to I would be crazy so

I can't get you You're claim. I can't even the misogyity runs so deep that you won't even get credit for shitting on the club. Yes. That is correct. That is correct. I'm fucking pissed. I'm like, I was ready for it.

I was like, people are like, oh, you're going to be in for shit. And I was like, I can't wait. I was going to clip it. I was going to slip it. When you do the green screen, if you were just sitting there smiling, I couldn't wait. We do a lot of, we do a lot of talking about Joe. We have a lot of stories about Joe. I recently told one about Joe where he went the first time I met him before all this crazy shit happened with him.

He told me when you're on mushrooms, drink your piss because that's the most potent, most potent psilocybin piss. I've been toying with the idea for years. A doctor reached out and apparently it's a good thing I didn't drink the piss. It's just the way to drink piss apparently. Because all the psilocybin is removed by your body. You're literally just drinking piss. He's a fist drinker. I was very close.

Picture how you're already tripping out. And then you're like, Joe Rogan said, I must drink my pee-pee. And then you're peeing in a cup high on mushrooms. And then with a straw, sucking it back? This is bizarre. I would just shoot it back. But I will say what stopped me all those years was the idea of the moment you're talking about, where I have a cup of my piss and I'm going to drink it on mushrooms.

It's not the right headspace to drink piss. No, no. I want to be clean sober when I drink piss. Human or animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that I think it's... I mean, the hard thing about him is that he, you know, as much as we... have all his opinions about him.

He is one of our best comedians. Yep. Speaking of which, Steph, people can follow you on Instagram to find your tour dates. Yes. Where should they go? Are you just...

At Steph Tollev. There's nobody else is his name. I was going to say, that's a good thing about your name. It's easy to find. Nobody else is just knows. And she'll be... You can't find me.

Hey, you can sniff me out. I'll be there. I'm on tour and then stop. You'll be at the mother ship. You'll be at the mommy ship. I think it's called the mommy ship now, right? Mommy ship. If they change it to the father ship, that'll be awesome.

All right, Steph. Well, you had some reservations a little bit when I asked you to do this show too because you're like, I don't know history, but I explained to you, that's all, that's how this all started. And this shows you how much of a listener I am. I go, what the fuck do you do on this podcast? Yeah, yeah. She sent a voicemail where she's like, I don't know if to know history, anything. I don't know anything.

But you just became a U.S. citizen. So you should know something. I know the 100 cards I had to study and erase out of my head probably two days later. So I am. What a who the, who the, why you became a US citizen now? What the fuck are you doing? I don't know what? I can always go back.

I have my Canadian. Like, I can always. There you go. Yeah. That's good. So you got both. You will have to leave. I wouldn't, I wouldn't make this my only project.

You're going to have to hide Jefferson under your shirt or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. crawling my ass Or that if you want to put him up the ass, sure there's options All right, so Dave's got this paper prepared I've not seen it, you've not seen it We like to start by guessing the year of this paper

There's no context It's just a random guess So you'll guess first It'll probably be 1800s or 1900s Could be 2000s Okay Could be 1700s, I'd say it's pretty unlikely But you go ahead first

And take a stab This is kind of to see Are you going to be good at this? I don't even get a little sample here You want to give her a sample? Sure. I'll give you a headline. Just because we like you.

Just because you're replacing DeLea. A lot of people are saying you're the new DeLea on this show, which we think is awesome for you. Twas a red plot. Twice. Okay, we're doing 18. Yeah. No, 1912.

That's what? I feel like he's maybe being a shit. But there's a random headline that is a twos. What have I ever done to you? What did you say 1912? Yeah, I don't know. I like that. I'll go 1888 because of the twas.

Steph wins. It's 1940. You suck. I'm off today. He sucks. He always loses. And you're not that excited. He always loses.

He was like, am I supposed to be? Yeah. There's no prize. It's really nothing. I don't know why we do it anymore, to be honest. The Atlantic City Press, March 7th, 19th. 1440. Excuse me. My birthday's March 7th. Oh, that's why he did it. That's exactly why he did it. That's exactly why he did it. That is. I guarantee it is. He does like little, there's like he does the little chestnuts. It's a chestnut. By the way, I call Tits chestnuts. Go ahead. It's a double T's chestnut. Yeah, well, she had big chestnuts. Big juicy chestnuts. That's my bit at the mother ship.

Mommy ship. I saw this woman. She had big old chestnuts. It's called the mommy ship. Thank you. Mommy ship. Okay. The hammer and sickle set into stone above the end. Oh, sorry, this was a red plot. Okay.

The hammer and sickle set into stone above the entrance to the Pipkin Jr. High School is no more. Yeah, of course it isn't. The hammer and sickle. The signs of communism no longer hang above a high school in 1940. I can't believe they took that down in America. I wonder why. Go fighting Lenins.

Superintendent Harry's study got so tired of explaining that the design was an ancient symbol of industry and agriculture long before communism that he hired a stone cutter to remove it. Oh, fuck. Why the hell you got this commie shit up there? It wasn't. It's not what, fuck.

It's like if you have a swastika and you're like, no, that's an ancient. Wait, now wait a minute. Slippery slope. It's a same. It's four else. The swastika was taken from, like an old like it's it was a

it was a taken symbol from yeah right so there are still people that are like no it's actually okay it means and you're like that's what everyone with that tattoo says if you really look into it no look closely

it means love power it's about the birth of women it's a Chinese symbol and I'm gonna come back with that as my Chinese symbol I went and got one of those Chinese symbol tattoos no no no it no it actually means peace power devotion It looks like a swastika.

It looks like a swastika. No, but each side is a different thing. You all have to get one. That's the golden ticket winner and kill Tony. You're like, my merchant, I sell them in the parking lot. They're swast stickers. Anyone?

Okay, that would actually sell well probably. That's what's sick. Take bullet from brain of murder suspect. This is a new story. Yeah, we're sorry. A new story. Take bullet from. Take a bullet for brain of murder suspect.

Okay. It's the headline. Okay. I mean, it's pretty explanatory. Yeah, no. Well, who's doing it? Well, surgeons.

Oh, surgeons are taking the bullet out of a murder suspect's head. That tracks for me. Okay, okay. Surgeons removed a bullet from the brain of 54-year-old. Oh, this is a fucking name. Frank Mondeslowski. They might have asked him his last name after the shooting. Imagine Zalowski.

It's a lot of Zees. Mandezaluski. Mendozaluska. Mondeca Luiski. So that he may stand trial for murder. Oh, he, the guy who's getting the bullet out of his head, is going to go. Is that right? Yeah, that's what, yep.

That's a high-stakes pull. Mondesilowski is charged with first-degree murder in the slang a week ago of Frank Meredith, 70, in their rooming house. Oh, so this is a real-stakes. roommate murder. Rooming house. Is that like a creepy? This sounds awful. It's like a boarding.

It's like a boarding house. You got a problem with a room with a bunch of men. No wonder you weren't allowed in the green room. Yeah. I don't want to live with a 70-year-old man. It sounds bizarre. But someday you might, if you stay in a relationship, that might happen to you and you'll just wake up one day and everything will smell.

Don't move out at 69. That sounds like it. Yeah. I'm maybe one day going to be 70. I'll have to live with a 70-year-old man. I'll just be like, oh, this is horrible. Yeah. Pants are everywhere.

What? I just picture that I... Pants are already a problem for me. I take them off and just leave them. You just, wherever you are? I basically run out of the pants. The pants hit the floor and then they stay there? Yes.

Do you don't pick them up after? Eventually. Eventually. Yeah, when it's time for laundry. Pants are something I pick. I don't need a floor. I will adopt a new way of being. At some point, you guys are coming down

and me like this is a loan behavior. You know when you're alone and you're not the same? Sure. What are you? Are you cleaning your hotel room? It's, oh, yeah. I'm putting stuff away. It's all in the little spot.

Do you have drawers? Do you put your clothes in drawers in the hotel room? I sometimes do. I have been because I'm fucking... You'll admit that's strange. That's, I do find it weird because I'm like, I picture other people's soiled undies and then my underwear in there.

I love that idea. I find a weird. But you're also there for, I mean, you're there for, basically three nights and the last one doesn't make out. It makes no sense that I'm unpacking and packing up again. This is where the socks go. I do.

I'm definitely insane too, but I don't go drawers. But I'm definitely insane. I don't want stuff on the ground. It's grossing me out. They're never vacuum properly in there. No. I'll answer all the questions about the climate. No.

Howie Mendo was right. Did you see the video that went viral this fucking girl who was putting her underwear in the Kyrig should sue her. That woman should be put to death row. Are you fucking crazy? Completely agree. I'm never drinking a coffee there again. I was already like, I was already not doing it, but in a pinch I would go to it.

Never again. Sometimes, yeah. Just scrubbing in the sink. Why do you need to hot water? Just do this. Scrubby, scrubby, hey. Well, also, who needs to wash their underwear at a hotel? For two days.

How poorly did you pack? Well, I have little knitted ball cups and those. I'll all clean in the coffee maker. But it's just a little, it's just a little like, like, it's almost like a sack for my sack, but it's just a little guy that goes around my balls. Stop talking. And they already ask you, sir.

It'll get hot and problematic. And so if I'm on the road, I'll take it out. Someone put coffee in my ball bag heater. And I will put it in the coffee maker. But here's the difference between me and hers. I'll actually put coffee in there. So when it comes out, my balls will smell like coffee for a couple. That is.

It helps the knitting. It does help the knitting for a little bit of coffee. It does. I don't think it does. She gets it. Oh, the mesh is tighter. No, but when I saw that, I... Anyone notice this coffee taste a bit bawling?

Every single comedian in the country... Hey, that hot tea tastes like pussy. Every comedian in the country saw that video and went, no! No! Literally. My first stand-up teacher taught us how to make ground beef for the coffee machine. He's like, if you're in a row... Put the raw beef in the raw, like...

In a pinch. Get a fucking hot dog at the vendor. What do you mean in a pinch? I'm going to go to the grocery store and get a slab of fucking raw beef. And have it with what? It's so gross. Your first stand-up teacher? Larry Horowitz.

I'll name them. I'll name them. Yeah, that's what I like about you. You need a ball bag for that guy. He'd wear just loose sweatpants and you'd see those fucking nuts dragging around the whole fucking class. After that, who wouldn't want curing beef? How is it, does it, is he saying, does it cook with just one, I believe, with just one time through it cooks?

I believe that was one of our lessons that he taught us in stand-up comedy class. I mean, actually, I'm not joking. Now, when you were there and your stand-up teacher was telling you how to cook beef in a curing, did you ever think you'd have a special on Netflix? You know what? While he was doing that, he was eating his own jerky that he kept in his pocket. And I can say no. I can say no.

I never thought that that made. man would ever give me any hope. This man is nauseating. No wonder you don't want to live with a 70-year-old. All right, now that we're done with how you handle the microphone. I'm going to show you how to cook lamb and a sink. That's set up punchline. But the real question is, how do you do veal in a toilet?

That's old Horowitz for you. Fucking Horowitz. Jesus Christ. May he rest of the peace. All right. Back to this. Still, I think eventually I would love for him to be peaceful. I don't think it's wrong thing to say.

Go ahead. We got, we really got off on a tangent from the boarding room. Sorry, sorry. No, it's good. That's what the show's for. No, it's what the show's for. So anyway, roommates shot each other. After the shooting, police chief Frank J. Mahoney said,

Mondaloozzi, Mondaluski, Mondaluski. Doesn't matter. Shot himself. The prisoner would have died if the bullet had remained in his brain, physician said. He consented to the operation.

Wow. So he shot, it was a murder, suicide, but he didn't finish the job on himself. I'm confused. I'm confused. I think that's what it is. I think he shot the roommate and then he tried to kill himself and then he survived and now he's going to be able to stand trial for murder.

Oh, okay. Because he didn't shoot himself properly in a weird spot. Yeah, he fucked up the key part of the plan. Yes. So, yes, it was a murder suicide. And he would have died if they didn't take the bullet out of his brain. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

So now they brought him. back and now they're going to be like, you killed a guy and he'd be like, I tried to kill myself after they're going to be like, you get the death penalty. And he's like, I already did this. I'm trying. I've been trying to do this for months. This story was a puzzle. Yeah. Listen. I got there. Twos. Nice. Steps back. Back in action. Expensive phone call. Oh. Do Harry Dukes, 29. Harry Dukes. That's what they've called. sells his ball bag. Paid.

Paid $5 for a phone call he never made. The paper back then... I know. The paper back then is so fucking boring to be like... It's crazy. I spent money on a phone call he never made.

Headlines, five whole dollars. Five dollars on a call he never made. You mind if I get my reporter friend over here? So what happened? Well, I didn't make the call. Holy! shit you'll be the second article after a murder suicide non-completion dukes was fined that amount

by magistrate john roberts after testimony that he had climbed a fire escape and tried to force his way to the switchboard room well it's a little different now it's really taking a turn it's a little different how do you make the headline less appealing than the article you made the headline more boring yeah phone call so nobody read this article there's maybe the first time so yeah that's Like that's boring murder suicide. He climbed a fire escape and tried to force his way into the switchboard room of the Bell Telephone Company building on 12th Street and Wesley Avenue on Saturday morning. The operator, Miss Anna Hoffner, called police. By the way, the best place to do it.

She's in the heartbeat of calling. Hello. The defendant who admitted drinking said he had wanted to make a phone call. I'll admit that I've been drinking. I need to make a phone call. This guy is the best. I need to call someone. He got hammered him.

Yeah, that's a good question, too. I forgot. I don't remember. I'm carrying myself. I need to go home for the number. I'm sorry, I punched you. I'll admit to drinking. I admit I was drinking.

Wow. Okay, that's the whole story. That's it. That's the end? They see how these end, just abruptly like this? Some of them just end in the, the craziest way possible. Some of them think you already know a bunch of information. If it goes anywhere, sometimes Preston who harassed you in emails will, I'm so sorry.

He will add an article that's a follow-up, but I guess this guy just, that's it. He just makes to make a drunk phone call. That's a good thing he didn't, whoever he was calling, probably like an ex. I beat up the operator. Can you come over? I need you so bad. Your drunk voice is what I think every bad acting job is when they try to act drunk. How dare you? It's just too hard. Emerson, what do you want?

All right. May I have another take? Yeah, I'd love one. I'd love one. All right. I was just trying to call an ex of mine to alert her. She's just some problems in her neighborhood. More realistic.

Is that better? It is. is much more realistic. May I hear yours? Hot shot? Look. That's pretty good already. Your look was pretty good. Three times over the top. I never said I was good at drunk acting.

It was pretty good. I messed it. I used to get drunk on set. Looks a good one. I did that too for Stan. Gareth, the pastimes is brought to you by Hymns. Sexual health. ED is what we're talking about. Yes.

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Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dollop for free shipping and a 365-day returns quince.com slash dollup. When I was in college, I was like blackout drunk and I saw my roommate and his girlfriend and I stopped to talk to them and I walked away and my roommate was like, holy shit, he is smashed and she's like, he did not seem drunk at all. it's because I don't know if I still do this but I used to become more composed he Dave is 70

but when we go on tour like it took me a while to learn that when we go on the road I'm the one who has to be like let's get out of here because I always he has history he has he prepared I felt like he was the adult in the partnership and then very quickly I was like oh no this dude

will literally he looks like he's on Coke like it'll be 3 30 it'll be like these guys are having a house partner And I'll be like, we need to go. You are a grown-ass adult with a bunch of books. Oh, so this is a, he clip two. So it must be from consecutive days. But I think because you're our guest, it's a little column called For Women Only.

Oh, here we go. So I should be reading it, Pervert. Yeah. You sit-pakes. She's got a point. Hey. She's got a point. By Isabel Ziegler. Big fan.

You like her stuff? I do. Okay. A honeymoon is a period of time during which a man thinks if his wife nags at him, it just shows how much she really loves him. What? One more time?

A honeymoon is a period of time which a man thinks. If his wife nags at him, it just shows how much she really loves him. Oh, okay. So women are. allowed to be I don't think that's true

yeah women are allowed to ruin the honeymoon they'd be beat you're allowed you're allowed to end up I'm having it on my time as if that's crazy that was that the whole article you can't tell me that's it no no it's different blurbs it's different blurbs about women

so you could tell us if this is true or false but the first one you're saying true okay keep going oh sorry I'm misunderstood I apologize she agreed she's I understand I'm sorry I'm a I was sorry. I heard what I wanted to hear.

The other woman has the fun. The wife picks up the bath towels. The other woman? What's this woman's fucking problem? No, this is a man writing this. Isabel is a fucking man. What are we talking about? As if any woman thinks this way.

What? But wait, I don't even understand this. Go, go cheat on me. I'll pick up your fucking jizz towels after you wash her pussy off your cock. What are you talking about? I do that in the coffee maker. This is crazy.

It's insane. No. I hate Israel. I will say, we've done a lot of episodes. This is the first time someone said while you wash her pussy off your cock on the show. Well, this is insane. I agree. I'm not understanding it.

I agree. This is a man. This is better than the citizen quiz so far. You're nailing this one. Women are quaint people who are fondest of lighting cigarettes when they are loaded down with bundles, getting into a car, trying on a hat, putting on some lipstick, talking on the phone, paying the newsboys and the launderman. This literally is a man who's never seen a pussy in his whole life and has no idea what a woman is. This makes no...

What are you talking about? What is the, you're joking, you made this one up, you wrote this. This is so crazy. I can see this. It's from a paper. I would tell you if it looked like it was in the Notep. This is his screen writing. It's just, if I busted him with the notes app right now, that would be a bad moment.

This is so funny. And this is for women only. So this is like from women to women. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Sure. Yeah, relatable.

I'm relating to all this. So you're saying false. I'm saying when I'm getting. in the car with all my bundles and I'm like, I just got to try on this hat real quick. That's the time that I like to light a smoke. That's, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And put on your lipstick. Yeah. So we've got two two falses of the truth so far. The bundles one got you, which is, I'm shocked by, but go ahead. A calmness informs us, a man can tell us all he knows in two hours and he does. That feels very. That one, that one I might be agreeing with. That way.

I'm back on board now. I'm back on more now. Yeah. Men don't shut up and they don't have much to talk about. No, I'm picturing like really first dates. That's like where I don't even talk. That's happened to me before.

That's a shocking thing. Roggan's podcast is four hours. Well, yeah, but it's all good. Four hours? Yeah, oh yeah.

He does those things forever. I'd be like, it's like being trapped. It's like when the pot dealers. If you were on there and you're like, I'd hit an hour of like, my sci, Madica's acting up. I'm going to hit the bricks.

It's back... It's like back when the pod dill used to come to your house and he'd sit there forever and you're like, okay, buddy, you can go. That's what the Rogan podcast is. That actually is a very good analogy. When you're like, well, got anything else to do today? You always had to try to go to their house. And he's like, in the moon landing, oh, fuck, Jesus, here we go.

That would be fucking. And that really was the greatest, like the greatest experience. So I'd be like, so I found out like the best way to work out. You'd be like, all right, there's the weed here? He'd be like, almost. So let me show you how to feed these fish property. Why was it never there? Why was it never at the dealer's house?

I remember literally spending a full day at a guy's place who was probably 10 years older than me when I was like 16. And he was waiting on it and I would leave without it. And we would have to update 20 people and be like, he didn't get it today. Like it was a ship, like we were just like cartels. You just be like, yeah, we're going back tomorrow to hang out with him and watch a bench press in his studio apartment. I used to fuck this guy that was a drug dealer. And I remember sometimes I'd go and I'd be like, all right, so we're going to, we fuck and I'd be sitting there going, well, I really did the camp for the weeds. So can I, uh, can I, uh, can we wrap this up?

So, uh, we wrap this one. And then I felt like I was paying for sex because I'd be like, and here's the cash. This doesn't feel good. But also, you gotta get it first, then fuck it. Then it feels like it's for pleasure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As someone who, by the way, that's very mothership mentality. Go ahead.

Mommy shit. When your guest gets too boring, you stare at the polka dots in your homeliest dress until you are in a small convulsion. You gaze at the lettering on the piano until it makes. makes no further sense to you. Steph? No, you simply say it's time to go. Yeah.

What is this? What are these pleasantries to get somebody? You're that bored that they're giving you very specific things to do. I think she's saying that my life as a woman is hell. So in order to get through when I can't stand the environment that I've been pushed in with no actual ability to express opinion, I look at polka. and I stare at the piano until it makes no sense what's happening anymore. And then the guests think that your wife is mentally unwell.

Yeah, and then the guests are like, boy, Kathy's a real downer. Has she tried Valium? I mean, every time we go over there, she starts bleeding from her eyes after that. That's why I got Shannon the lobotomy. She's been a good girl ever since. How is this the longest article in this paper, and it's the worst one? It's just how it works.

This makes no sense. I'm learning them. Personally, I've got a good takeaways. We're all learning about women. Yeah, this is important stuff. You think up odd sandwich combinations. Oh, that's a must. Wait, you don't do peanut butter.

Oh, come on, Steph. Not Drew? I do peanut butter and mustard and Tiziki. Yeah, that's what I do. That's my go-to sandwich when I'm starving. Thinking up sandwich combos. You tell yourself a music and little stories you've heard at the office today.

Office, that's pretty good. I can't believe. I can't believe. I can't believe her job. I know. That's what I'm shocked by. Yeah, that's shocking. I'm shocking she's allowed to go.

What was the next one? You think about Finland. That's a, yes. Yes. I think about Finland often. See? That's crazy. I think about Finland recently because I watched back to back the Zizoo movies, which, uh, okay.

Sorry that happened. It's about a guy killing Nazis. Actually, I don't know. the polka dots. Tell us about it and I'll stare at them. Yeah. You wonder how your cousin Dorothy is getting along with her second husband out in Ohio. True or that's the whole? Okay. That's the end. So this is, so basically what she went to there is when she's bored, she thinks of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And nothing, nothing educational, nothing, you know, really exciting. Now, but now I know what, now I know what's going on in a woman's mind. It's

helpful. Yeah, this is what they want women to think in 1940. She's not thinking about cheating. She's thinking about her friend in Ohio. Well, but also, look, we, it's important to put parameters around women. And I, hold on, let me finish, because if you don't, they end up washing their panties in the curing in a hotel. Yes. That's what freedom looks like. Yes. No, thank you. When you walk into the mothership, I wouldn't know, because I'm not allowed there, but they have this article painted on the back of the wall Oh interesting Above the urinals

And by the way it's only urinals It might be I did see a video of a guy Getting the grease Out of a pan He just like Cooked a ground beef And he used the tampon

He used the tampon To instead of draining the grease He was like This is a super easy way to do it. And I was like, you know what? It might be an easy way to do it. You know what else? Let's not do that.

Yeah. How about we? Right? You should use panty lines. He paid for those fucking things. Yes, thank you. He paid me the goddamn $20 a cost for fucking super plus tampons right now. It's bullshit.

Excuse me. Where are your, where's your grease cotton? Why is it in the woman's section? I need the super absorbent grease pockets. What are you? I'm looking for the, I'm looking for the, I'm looking for the house.

I'm looking for the little round pan cleaners. My wife has a very heavy flow, but it's olive oil. It's meaty. After a beef spin in it. Stand up 102 with Larry Horowitz. And this is what you use to clean up the grease. Then you put this inside of the coffee maker. Boom.

I really kind of want to do the ground beef in the coffee maker. Not the right takeaway. Just because I want it. I would like to just see it to go, that's great. Crazy. If it's good, though, you don't want to open that Pandora's box. No, no, no, no, no, no. Those old road guys lived a different world. I'll never forget one of the first road gigs I went on. I was opening for this guy and he was like 55. And I got up in the morning and he was in the bathroom looking at the mirror going, what happened? He just kept saying it. He just kept saying it over and over. And I was like, comedy!

Hey man, can I shower? Sorry, can you do that out here for a little bit? Anywhere else? You can existentially cry and like out here. There's the business center too. There's a lot of guys who are having crises down there. The business center? How dare they call that an open concept chair and lap,

like aOL desktop? Maybe. It's crazy. I really want to spend time in there. Jesus Christ, we got a lot to do. Sorry, I open. my own business in here. Was that wrong? Two Tots Crash Cinema.

And how? And how? Wow. Let's find out and how. Want to see the movies without paying? Duke, age six, knows how. This is an article. We caught up with this six-year-old who tells us how to sneak into the talkies. I just walked through the door. All right. There we are. What a letdown. Duke and his sister, age five, who live at Maryland Terrence.

Yeah, where are they? That could be fun. Went to see the movies yesterday with Neri Ascent in their pockets and saw the show four times in succession. That's a long fucking day. Where are the parents? I don't believe this is real. I do. Five and six roaming around.

1940 in a small town, the kids are fucking wandering around all over the place. Yeah. I don't like it. Oh, yeah. I could pull off this level of parenting. I mean, I'm a little bit older than you, but we were feral animals when I was, like, we could do whatever. I definitely had. No, not five.

That's crazy. Probably not five and six, but pretty close to that. 11-ish. No, way before 11 for me. But Jen, my generation, Gen X, like we were wandering around like animals. Yeah, I did not I definitely, I was, look, there was a creek I went to pretty much every day to check up on crawfish and frogs and smoke cigarettes

But at five or six, I was, they weren't like, go to the movies all day Do you know what was in my grade? I mean, have you seen a five-year-old? That is not, they're not capable of. Well, this is different for women too. My parents, I had a sister, we were not roaming around alone in public. Yeah. There was always a grandparent or a parent close by watching.

Yeah. But you're a Canadian, so you guys have like a, you're more civilized. We've seen your TV. You know what was in my creek? What was in your creek? This is Dave's complaint section of the show. You know it was in my creek? All the bundles of newspapers that I didn't deliver.

Oh, that's interesting. That's what you've done for? Yeah. Not very smart. That's what we read from now, just so. At 1 p.m., Duke and his sister asked the time in a restaurant because they had to be at the movies. If a five-year-old asked me what time it was because they had to go to the movie, I would be concerned.

Is this five-year-old in suit and tie? Like, I pictured us, excuse me, ma'am. Pardon me, I don't mean to interrupt the oyster fest. Do you know what time it is? My sister and I are going to the cinema. She's five. He's also just eating in a restaurant alone with his sister. Could I just get another Manhattan, please?

We are shit-faced. At 7.30 p.m., Al Gold, City. My lord, we're late for the opera. Listen, come on. At 7.30 p.m. Algold, city photographer saw the two window shopping on Atlantic Avenue. You'd look nice in that. And because they looked... That would look lovely, with your flowing locks.

And because they looked rather young to be out, he questioned them. This is fucking insane. All day, one guy went, something's weird here. Whole day. Hey, are those toddlers shopping? They can't pay for that. Gold took them over to City Hall where a nice big policeman talked to them, and so the story came out.

Little Gene said it was simple. Duke told her to go to the ladies' room at an avenue theater, and they let her in. Five minutes later, Duke appeared at the window and said he thought his sister was lost, and he had better go in and see what had become of her, and they let him in, and they came out five hours later. That's not a bad plan for a five-year-old, six-year-old. That's pretty good way. I think you're doing the thing that maybe other people are doing, which is believing that this happened. That cannot be.

It could totally happen. That's too young. It's just, it is just a little too young. You can't let your own asset. Yeah, age remains uninflated. That is still a five and a six year old going around window shopping. Hey, sis, why don't you go in there and ask them if you can use the restroom for a moment? Yeah, I believe it.

All right. Let's go to the movies. all day. Excuse me gentlemen. Do you have the time? My sister and I, whose five, have a very agenda day.

Further questioning under the stimulant of some hot soup and a few slices of pie. This is the... They're still going? Now they're back in the restaurant? No, now they're talking to the cop.

Now the cop's like, why don't you kids eat five pieces of pie and walk me through this afternoon? Brought out that the children lived with her grandmother that their mother worked nights in a cafe and their father didn't live with them.

No, they had seen enough movies that day. Thank you, they said. So Radio Car took them home. Look, you seem like pretty good adults. What if you join the force here? I believe it. I'm having trouble. Yeah.

I'm having trouble. Hot soup at a precinct? That's what got me. That's where you actually, that's where you jump ship was one. But we do believe there's a lot of pie. at the police station, right? Oh, they're a pie at the precinct. Endless pie.

Endless pie. I love the way he said a nice big policeman. Yeah, he's filled to the brim with apple fucking crumbull. That's why. Why don't you kids sit down and have another piece of pie? And we can talk about your day again. Welcome to Pie Station 9. It goes into a...

Sergeant, I'm breaking the lid off of a huge case. These kids went to the movies alone and I gave them pie. Ratchez, you give everyone. Front page. Yeah. What am I doing? I don't know. What am I doing?

How did it go here? Everything happens to Castronova. Carmelo Castronova, 15 of Lee, is back in the hospital again. What a weird headline for a child in hospital. Yeah. Seven years ago, we got hit by a truck. Jesus Christ. A year later,

Another truck hit him. Now, let's remember. Well, no, this is his fault now for being around this many trucks. Three years later, another truck hit him. No. How was he still alive? And trucks were made a feathers back then. Three trucks.

Three years ago, he fell down two flights of stairs. Well, I'd say he's getting better. Last August, he fell off a cliff breaking both leg, both wrists, six ribs, and a hip. Now, this kid is one year older than the kids you were. were saying let him roam around town. No, he's 15. Well, he was seven when it started. Oh, yeah. He got out at Christmas time, and this time he has a broken leg, suffered in a fall. This article is highlighting the pain this child's been through. Yeah, so what was, this is the end? This is abuse. It's abuse or just lack of supervision. That's it? Yeah, it's it's it. That's it.

No questions. That's where it ends. Okay. Yeah. I mean, we got the whole story. I get smoked by three trucks and then keeps living somehow. And then keeps breaking things and the paper's like, whoa, big update. And that's it. Big update. Guess what? You never know what else happened. We celebrate this sick kid.

He could also be really dumb. See, Dave would have been fine back in this era. Yeah. This is you. This story's about you. He would have survived fine. It'd have been like, look, can you just enjoy the fact that the kids got hurt a lot? So many trucks.

There were a lot of trucks back then. What year? This is. 40. Yeah. So, yeah. We've talked when they didn't really have a smooth process of integrating automobiles into this country. But they did it this time. Like now it was pretty locked in. Now it was good. Okay. So for like, it was so bad. So many kids got hit by cars and killed that that mothers did a giant march on D.C. And with them they had a kid that a kid that they brought. dressed up like a ghost to represent their son.

The worst part of that story is that a car just plowed through that. Out of nowhere. Just fucking took out 60% of those people marching. The irony is just, I don't know, Smithsonian has a wing dedicated. It was tough, tough to watch. Who, boy. We need better laws for car. Oh, no.

Oh, God. 10,000 word complaint gets 68 word divorce. Walter Morrison filed a 10,000 word complaint against his wife with such subheadings as my wife's refusal to do housework and insistence that I do it. Okay, now this we all get. Wow. This we get, right? This is one we can all relate to.

This paper's really misogyny bred with child trauma meat. This, yeah. How is this? gentleman registering his complaint. Ten thousand word complaint about how his wife. That's like ten pages, right? Ten thousand words. The time he took to do that, it would have taken him to clean one countertop.

It's like... Vacuumed a little bit. Instead, woman has a full... She refuses to clean. She's probably eight months. pregnant, just can't fucking move or breathe. Terrible time management.

Focused on things that don't benefit the household. Honey, here is my report. I also, I will say I the level of spoiled the men had back then. Unbelievable. It's

unreal, but as a white man, I'm like, I mean, I get why they tried to hold onto it. It just sounds everything. got done for you. It was like having a robot you could fuck, really. That's exactly what it was. And that was it.

So you go, yeah, this is better now and I'm all for equality. But these guys really were like, it's part, she can't tell me her opinions. She has to clean and cook for me. And there's sex. I actually didn't hear anything after a robot you can fuck.

Yeah. I mean, you have a point. It makes sense why the men would have wanted to keep it this way. Yeah. I would say, I mean, we've done a lot of history on our show, and I haven't retained much of it. But the one thing I would say, the founding component of this country is white men dying to not let go of anything. Is that fair? That's pretty much it.

Yeah, that's just it. When women went to the post office the first time, men lost their fucking minds. This is true. Yeah. Judge Masmano commenting that the 13-page petition was longer than gone with the wind granted the divorce in 68 words. Wow. So that's a nice way of just being like, you know, that is. The judge was like, you're right.

Fuck her. She's a she better not fucking. That's crazy. 10,000 words for a 68-word response is like when I sent that video to you saying how good your special was and you gave it a thumbs up. Hey, it would have made news back then. This would have made headlines. Woman on TV shouting! No!

It's weird that he broke down your comedy to woman shouting. Did you notice that? I mean, it actually is pretty accurate for description. Dude, I cannot... I cannot recommend. Steph Special is just... It is... Even the opening alone.

Look, if you just... If you don't know more like me, just watch the first three minutes. But you know why, as I've been editing, what is great about your special is that there's no lull. The best specials, you don't go, it's nonstop. I give people time for a bathroom break.

Yeah, that's true. Dave calls intermission whenever he feels like taking a break. But it's nonstop. Filt Queen Netflix, watch it. And the way she got her special is amazing. Go ahead. Honeymoon bard Walter Weiss, who confessed he robbed an invalid woman of $149 so he could have money to get married, was married Wednesday in jail.

Where's the story? Invalid woman. Yeah. Yep. He's just, well, he's like a descriptor. Yeah. That's what they went with. Flagging that.

Invalid woman. Okay. But he, but Steph. Here's what you're missing. He stole from that invalid woman to marry another and make her dreams come true. Yeah. It's called paying it forward. Yeah.

Stealing from Mary to pay Denise. That's right. The ceremony was performed just before he was taken from the jail to the state prison to begin serving a 10-year sentence. Wow. Who would? Well, who would? The bride was Malipa Carvonen. Malippa.

Malipa. Malipa. No ass. Malipa. No, just Malipa. but okay okay there's a lot going on is that it

that's it that's it Jesus Christ you always you the way you read it is as if there is more you always go yeah like you open your mouth a bit like there's more to come out and it

that's it's it's the end of it it's a big tease Dave is a history's first edger he does edge papering yeah yeah I used to goon the news excuse me

Oh, fuck me. Oh, God. Gareth, you're such a priss. This is written by Elsie Robinson. And it's called Why I Quit Lying. Mm-hmm. You're not buying it already? Another message from a man to the men.

Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Well, I think if this paper's proven one thing, it's that it's pretty equal. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I feel like...

By the way, this paper's on your birthday. So you can't come at us. This is your birthday paper. I'm realizing my birthday is hell, and I hope that something else happens. Now I have to read my actual birthday in the news because this is hell. Yes, fair. At one time in my younger years,

I was an extremely proficient liar. The thing seemed to come natural to me. In the first place, nature had endowed me with that slightly idiotic look. which made the other fellow sure that I hadn't sensed enough to tell anything but the truth. Is that a picture of the guy I see from the distance?

Oh, maybe it is a guy. Yeah, it is a guy. Elsie's a woman's name though, isn't it? Yeah, I don't. I don't view names like that. Because it does the... Okay, shut up. No, I'm just saying.

My lip-to-go either way. Yeah, Malipa is fine. I mean, yeah. I got kicked in the nuts once and said my lip-as. In addition to that, I had a simple trusting manner when listening to other liars, which automatically seemed to bar me from the union. Surely no gal who swallowed everything so easily can hope to pull a swift one herself.

So it's a lady. Yep, I'm cut up on all the swallowing. So it is lady, you just saw her invalid face and when... No, no. No, no. No. If you look at it, it looks like a job. Johnny Cash painting.

And again, I don't. But the problem is that you've determined gender to names, which I just want to. So that's why I was open. I was open. I was ready for whatever. And by the way, I'm still- I'm naming my first daughter, Joe Rogan. This is Ruggina.

And Joseph. They drink their own piss. And so I was able. They're going to the cinema all day. And they are first- I'm going to get me. Yeah. That's why that's why it was a bathroom.

And so I was able with great ease to develop a fibbing technique that was a honey. Gonna use that more. Lies, I found, served countless purposes. Primarily, of course, they were swell accident insurance. You could wiggle out of the most embarrassing scrapes, duck the most humiliating retribution by a few well-timed woppers, and not really do a mite of harm. Yeah.

I kind of am. You're with this? I'm not against it. Okay. Little white, little lies. This seems like a lot of lying. Well, the little. It was a lie, yeah.

Yeah, well, sort of. I mean, maybe it was Roger. Lies are also handy and wrestling with a situation which I disliked even more than blame, boredom. Being a young woman of lively tastes, I frequently found life a very dull affair. We've already established why. You go to a party and you're supposed to like look at polka dots. Yeah, there's nothing going on back then. Well, your husband writes you, and when you don't look at them properly or you seem bored,

then your husband writes you a 10,000 word letter of why. But a good favor with a snitch, with a smitch of imagination, could always start something. So having made these pleasing discoveries, I proceeded to follow them up and became one of America's better Manchausians. Manchowsians? Chousins. It was a grand racket. Oh, met like Munchausen's? Munchausen.

Oh, yeah, Munchausen by proxy. And yet years and years ago, I cut it out. Quit lying and went to 100% truth. By the way, it's hard to read an article about a redeemed bullshitter on this level because you're like, you probably haven't. Also, how is this the longest one of the whole? I was just thinking that too. I was like, there's nothing happening here and it's still going.

It's really going on for a while. Is it still going? there's more there can't there's a lot more I'm mad if you cut it down I wish you had read this before and read none of it

I mean nothing's happening right now this woman was a liar now she's not I don't know what's happening but here's what's confusing stuff that's the kid hit by three trucks like this isn't making sense

but here's the problem stuff this is a whole article about a woman and you're saying it's the worst one so do you see how that is oh yeah now I'm in incongruent no I'm just pointing it out well it's a woman saying she's a liar.

She's going to make men now women are liars. It's not great. Women really like to go after women, don't they? Stop. Yes. Come on. Uh, mothership. Righteousness may

listen, lovely, and look even better, but unless I can be shown that it's practical and profitable proposition, the idea leaves me cold, and that is exactly what happened. I was shown that lying didn't pay and that honesty did. So not a good enough,

liar to make money. No, no. So that's the problem. Got to hang in there. Got to double down. Then you get an island. You get to fly your buddies in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're emailing about it. You're talking to each other. There's no, and nothing's going to happen to you. And you're going to be fine because it's a little overwhelming when everyone finds out about it and we don't know where to start. Yeah. Well, I don't know what to say about that one. Hmm. Drowning during... Dave went to the island. That's why. Go ahead. I was on the island. Island. They went to the island. They worked at the island for a summer. It was like the saved by the bell when they worked at the resort for a summer. That was Dave. But I was 47. He was a resident standup comic on the island. Yeah. That story was about you in the mirror. Abstein's behind you. You're like, like, what I got me here? Why am I doing this? Dave sit in the dental chair. Drown during fire. That's hard to do.

I know. Now that scene. Now I'm in dreams. That's it. That's an ad one. That's a headline. That's the headline. This should have been the first one of the whole paper. That's the... Okay. There we go. How about this?

In post, Preston, this is the first one. Yeah. Go ahead. After a three... And cut out all the Rogan stuff. Go ahead. After three alarm, fire burned through ten stories of a building in Queens. Fireman found George Connoffrey, a furnace tender.

Dead in the flooded basement. He apparently drowned in the deluge of water from the fire hoses. Wow. We never think about... What a way to go. I've never thought about that. What is the, also he's like a furnace guy. So he must have been down there being like, oh, yeah, this is fucked.

Get out. I've never thought about how much water they're putting in there and how much danger that could also cause. But also, real weird to drown from that amount of. Why are you going down to the basement? Get the hell out of the house. Very true. When there's a fire, what are we doing? Well, we don't need.

I think your question is flawed because we don't need the furnace going during a 10-story fire. No, you do, because if the top of the building will have fire. You're like, it's hot. I'm going to tweak the furnace. I'll go downstairs and I'll tweak the furnace. Everyone else get out of the building. I'm worried some of you might start overheating. A lot of water to go through.

That's a very rare way to go. Yeah, it might be the weirdest death. Drowning during a fire. Drowning during fire. I didn't know. I'm all for it. It's an interesting response, to be honest. How to manage electric hotbeds.

And that's the end of that story. Nobody cares about this man. No rest in peace. No. On to the next article. How to sleep in a warm bed. Electric hotbeds offer several outstanding advantages over the old style manure hotbeds.

What? Is that real? I think this is not actual beds. An actual shit bed? I think we're talking about something other than a bed you sleep. Oh, okay. It's got to be. Much less time in labor are required to construct

and care for the beds. Oh, it's got to be planting. Temperature is automatically controlled with narrow limits, according to the wishes of the operator, and heat can be maintained for indefinite periods and is instantly available in case of unexpected frosts or cold spells. Yes. It is plants.

My mother tells me all, my mother's told me repeatedly that if my grandpa saw horse shit on the ground, he would go get his shovel, scoop it up, and then walk home for his garden. Think about that every time I see horseshit. It's not a funny story or interesting, but it is in this episode. Your family's excited. So I think that's important.

I feel like how far would he walk with his shit? I think quite a distance. Huh. Yeah, this is, when my mother talks about her father, then I'm like, I'm old, but he was old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, getting a fucking shovel for horse shit. I don't like the way you're looking. looking at me. Well, there's a lot of judgment now. Yeah. Yeah, you're looking at me like the way

a woman looks at the piano name. Why don't you look down there, asshole? Leave us alone. Successful operation of electric hotbeds depends upon tight construction, protection from wind exposure, the use of mats or covers to reduce night radiation and normal care and management. Night radiation's a big problem. I love that's the problem. That's the problem. An area representing two standard sash or six by six feet in size requires one circuit of 60 feet of land covered soil heating cable, soil heating cable when operated on 115 volts. What? This never took off.

This never took off for many reasons. Watering among them. Yeah. Also, because old men were out there with shovels full of poo. Yeah. Don't come at Jeff, okay? Leave Jeff alone. Jeff knew what he was doing.

Jeff knew what he was fucking doing. Jeff with a G. Yeah. Oh, no. No what? A Welshman? No, no Welshman. G.

So do I. Hey, hey, that's my fucking grandpa. You do. Yeah, your grandpa, Gioff? Phonetically, you're correct. Well, Steph, that's it. I just, I noticed he had a pen at the end there. Were you jotting out of this down?

I'm jotting notes. I was just like, huh, that's hotbed. I got to get in the ground floor. Get it. Get it. But you're, this isn't a shark tank thing. Steph's like, that's very interesting. Oh, I've been making notes this whole time.

Oh, that's, but I should have told you. That's not. I'm going to start hitting. kids with trucks and seeing how long they can live. You'll fit right in in America, this America. Filth Queen and Steph Tollove on Instagram for tour dates and all that stuff. That's it. Thank you for joining us.

Are you more or less into being a citizen now that you've heard this? I think I'm the same where I'm like, I'm never going to read a newspaper if that's what's happening. If that's the articles I have to go through, skim through a slop. You know, it actually, it validates Dave's behavior when he was just throwing them all in a creek for no reason. It does. So, once again, history is proven, Dave, correct. Always.

Thank you, Steph. Thanks for having me. Thank you. And you're, you know what? You're always allowed in the green room here. Yeah. Well, thank you guys. Yeah.

So is Christa. I'll bring my own shit in a shovel. Yeah, great. That's okay. That's so weird. That's so I'm so. So is Christalia. And she said she'd bring her own shit.

So what kind of say? the same thing. I don't know. Once again, to the editor, cut that out, trying to show. We're trying to keep that. We're trying to keep as many bridges open as possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the next guy.