The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 175 - The Past Times with B.K. Sharad

Episode Date: May 23, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian B.K. SharadSOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHRocketmoney Mint MobileSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Every time I've claimed a domain, I do say it like I've just taken over a password. palace in the 1400s. So I'll be like, this domain is mine. Yeah, I don't know if that's a thing that actually works. I would say once you get one through Squarespace, they make it easy. But then when you get it, you can do stuff like that. I don't think what I'm saying is unhelpful. I think it is. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid right in the same place. From consultants to events and experiences, showcase shopping. You're smiling a little bit because you know what I said is kind of helpful. Customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business.

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use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. As domain is mine. Welcome to the pastimes. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here. Each week, we go through a newspaper

from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest the great BK Charade. BK. Hello. Hello to you. Dude, thanks for having me, man. I'm so stoked.

Thank you for being here. Now, you have an album coming out. You have a new YouTube show. Where can people go find all of your stuff and consume the shit out of it? Instagram and YouTube both insane brown posse. And, yeah, I got his new show, or I play catch with comics

and just talk. Catch. That's called catching up a weekend. Yeah. That's pretty good. Now, are you, what is it? Football, softball, Frism? No.

Well, right now it's baseball gloves and I think I want to change it like each season, you know? Like maybe I'll get like a whistling vortex football, you know? Love those. Those were fun. Yeah. May I also suggest maybe some lacrosse,

a little high lie? You can also catch like VD. That's a different pitch, I think. I don't know. It's still in the catch arena. I think we're getting further away from it. I don't want to. But anyway, it's St. Brown Posse.

People can go check out your stuff. Well, thank you for joining us. You know what we do here. We're going to go through a newspaper. There's a chance that Preston will have made this pick either your birthday or your home city. So that might be coming. But before we do it, do you want to guess the year you think,

think this newspaper was picked from. There's no prize. I don't know if Preston knows the year I was born, but it's 1991. So that's what I would guess. It's probably going to be an older year. Because 1991, America was perfect. So probably

the worst years. I don't know how far back you could go. We went 16 once. Wow. So did Russell Brand, by the way. So did Chris DeLeah Some of the greats

I don't know what it is about the greats But But yes Yeah the list is awesomely endless But go ahead Have a stab BK I'm gonna say 1833 That's a good guess

I'll say I'll say 1912 Oh BK wins It's 1884 Okay Oh Price is right rules Yeah

Whatever rules the guess The winner I said Right before I said Price is right rules No Tuesday

I bet you haven't When was last time You watched the Price is right Your buddy hosts Last week I watch it regular I honestly Awesome

Me too yeah Drew Carey is a phenomenal Price is right host Dave Since he is my friend I do watch it sometimes Dave won't Dave won't invite Drew on the show

For some reason BK just so you know Drew Carey He would love it He would have a great time He doesn't want to come on the show with you is the problem then i'll step back i love him that much that i will remove myself from the episode uh it is uh tuesday afternoon april 22nd 1884 the trenton times

trenton trenton new jersey you from new jersey yeah i don't know you knew that oh wow everybody knows you're from new jersey everybody knows yeah that's great trenton's beautiful are from there no yeah they say that trenton is the india of jersey i've read that a ton of times beautiful do you say that yeah yeah i've said it a bunch i actually got run out of town for saying if people found it to be a racist and i was saying no it's an accurate fact it's crazy what is getting you getting run out of town look like oh with pitchforks torches women are women are just going no you don't he he don't know him like we do so you were run out of town like it was the 1830 I'm running out.

I got like a frying pan over my cock and you can see my butt and I'm running out because I was having my way with all the women. So you're a rapist? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's all very consensual. They raped me. You're like a running away Christalia. No.

No. You're back. Brian Callining is what they call it. Some of those guys are good friends. I don't know they're way in. I have a question for you guys. Before we start fully. Is that Stephen Segal behind you guys?

It is. Yeah. We did. Our fattest president. We did a three-parter. We did three-parter on Segal. Wow. He's really,

really insane. He's a good guy. He's the kind of guy that Vladimir Putin goes, you need total of Lex. Yeah. I didn't know you guys had the Asian connection like that, you know? Oh, yeah. We're big.

Oh, yeah. Big, big, big. One of our greatest Japanese, uh, Hawaiian, he might be the greatest Japanese, Hawaiian Russian fighter of all time. Yeah,

no, very few people have been every nationality. Well, they, I, Steve, Zagal is like if Jason Bourne dropped his briefcase.

He's that many puppets. He's like, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, how many think out soon, how long until Jeff Dye does puppets?

That's my question. Yeah. A musical band of elephants. Oh, fuck, yeah. Definitely torture. Definitely tortured. It's going to be a nice, I think, Venn diagram of Indian American. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's literally never been a story where it wasn't like, and an elephant killed a villager. And it went, yeah, what they do? America should be. What the village are doing? America should not be allowed to have elephants in any capacity. That happens with your drive. Sometimes you just be like, they'll be like Kansas City Safari and you'll see a giraffe and you'll be like, this place should be shut down.

I don't need to see any more details. This giraffe should not be in Missouri. The fact that Mr. Adam Forpaw Jr. Adam For Paw Jr. has. Adam For paw. Four paw. Works with animals. Has succeeded in teaching elephants to play upon musical instruments,

renders it not improbable that a higher development of animal education will earlong be attained and that the elephant will yet be educated to converse with man. Nope. So that's a, no, that's a really good conclusion to come to. Like if you see an elephant with a flute going, foo, foo, you're like, that thing's going to talk and do math someday. You could probably get someone on record outside of a Trump rally to be like, elephant. I mean, when he says elephants will be talking to men, like, I don't think he literally means it, but they'll be able to say some words. Yeah, it's very monkey with a typewriter, you know.

It's like if you give an elephant an instrument, eventually they'll talk to people. That's right. I like that that comes through instruments. Yeah, no, that that scientific theory that's been disproved a thousand times. They're like, look, imagine these motherfuckers going to write Shakespeare. People are like, that's a fucking scientist. Yeah. In reality, I just saw a picture of an elephant hiding behind a telephone pole.

Yeah, in reality. In reality. Yeah, right. So they're not there yet. No, well, he's feared, yeah. That's good. From the earliest times, the speaking of, of birds and beasts has been the subject of fable.

And beasts? Birds and beasts. Beasts. Oh, I thought it was bird and bees. That's what I thought. So for a long time, we've been fabolizing the ability for animals to talk. And now it's time to get real. Can we just say what a nightmare life would be if bees could talk?

Oh, man. Oh, my God. There's so many of them. There's hell on earth. I would love it. No. What about flies? Flies talking would be a problem.

especially because they throw up every time they land. I'm surprised they haven't remade the fly. By the way, Bert Kreischer also throws up every time he lands. And every lover of a dog or a horse has mourned that only in fable was their speech between man and the brute. I don't love lover. being used there. Yeah.

And talking definitely makes me feel like... Have you ever fucked a dog? We are trying to get this podcast to air as many places as possible. I'm just saying there is a love that... Gonna need you to stop? You've seen the video... BK. Say anything.

The horse fucking the guy, right? Very short video. No need to talk about Mr. Hands. I'm okay with that one. Well, this elephant guy seems like he was even before Mr. Hans. He had... to walk on all fours so Mr. Hans could run

on all fours also. That's right. That's right. That's right. Mr. Hans. Mr. Hans crawled on all fours at the end. That's when we should have been like we can't do the internet. Yeah, the internet should have been shut down. As soon as Mr. Hans got out there, we should be like, hey, by the way, I don't think we can lid this.

I think we might want to lid eventually. I don't know. No, that was his. But why do we call him Mr. Hans? Is that his nickname from that incident? It was his online nickname how he communicated with the guy to get to the horse place.

Mr. Hands. They were in like an animal online fuck group. Oh, that's crazy. Man. Because even those people have friends, you know? I know, how do you find a group?

Oh, man, what do you do? You know what that guy should always be alone thinking he's the only one who likes to fuck. That's what I mean. The internet. That's what we should have unplugged the modem.

Yeah. We should have been like, no. Yeah. Where you were like, whoa, look these are my guys. Holy shit. And they like pizza? Whoa, Tuesday's just got a whole lot better. Imagine going into that group on Tuesday, though, and being like, okay, so the Mr.

Hansing didn't really work out. Hey, hey, where's Jeff? Sit down. Where's Jeff? Sit down. So our dream is achievable, but there's a downside we have not thought of. Jeff, Jeff's not going to make it for a while. In a recently published article in The London Nature, he says,

it has occurred to me whether some such system as that followed with deaf mutes, especially, by Dr. Howells and Laura Bridgman might not prove very instructive if adapted to the case of dogs and elephants. So this... What? So this motherfucker is comparing deaf people

with dogs and elephants talking. Man. It's just... I'm now even going to step further. This country should never have existed. Period. It just was just bound. to happen. There was just too much

like fighting for freedom to the point where you're like, yeah. Well, this is... Deaf people are elephants. This is London, but honestly, England should have never existed. And then all of the other stuff wouldn't have happened. Yeah, it's honest. Yeah.

Well, now we're getting in the slippery slope where whites are a big part of the issue. So now we're, if we pull the thread hard enough, you and I should not be here. Let's be honest. I'm at least from Irish people. You're from English people. so you're a real problem.

No, no, it's a bad, it's a daily genetic. I am of the oppressed. You are a different story. He's fucking white Irish people. I love the white Irish. Are there any other kind of Irish? No, that's it. I'm ginger though.

I have a whole new avenue. I can pursue a whole new road now. That just means you should be doubly murdered. Okay, enough. An infant is taught to communicate its desires in speech only after the expenditure of infinite pains and unwearing patience on the part of the mother. Infinite pains?

It's a total. It's a fucking nightmare. His theory is that elephants don't want to talk bad enough, I guess? And then he's like, if these idiot, deaf people can do it, an elephant can fucking do it. You have to reset yourself in this article to remember this is a man's pitch on elephant talking.

But he's like, but now, but now he's like, look, if babies learn to talk, why can't an elephant? Good Lord. It is a very slow process and the teaching goes on during nearly the whole child's waking hours. That's not true. It's a nightmare. The lessons, the lessons to our object lessons in the case of the deaf and dumb and blind. Jesus Christ.

The most marvelous results are attained by the patient teacher and the remarkable results obtained by Mr. Forpaw in teaching his elephants to play upon musical instruments leave no doubt, but that still higher results are to be obtained in the education of dumb animals. Jesus Christ. It would be great for the elephant to eventually talk and just be like, fuck you. You guys are fucking assholes. Do you think I want to be in Kansas, you shithead?

Fuck are you. Fuck a you. It feels like this guy had his first, like, high school high thought. You know, he's like, man, these elephants just like, they could broadly talk, dude. This is 100%. This is a, yeah. Children eventually learn how to do that shit. Why the fuck couldn't a dog or an elephant?

And then there's some guy you pass it to. It's like, or maybe a horse could fuck us. Wait, what? Or maybe, I don't know, while we're talking about it, like, if an elephant could talk, maybe a horse could beg you. Can elephants talk? We're already doing ketamine, man. We could do it with the horse, too. We could both get fucked up.

I think I might go to the barn for a little while. Can elephants talk would 100% be an hour-long discussion on Rogan? It sounds like a Sandra Bullock movie. Can elephants talk? Sandra Bullock. Can elephants talk? And then she falls in love with the elephant? No, no, you're taking a Mr. Hands direction.

And then... Mr. Hands at every production meeting. And then maybe eventually we get to trunk fucking. Mr. Hands? What's going on? Mr. Hans? Yeah, go ahead. He's just in a chair.

I'm thinking about changing my name to Mr. Whole. What do you guys think? Where's the horse? Does anyone ever wonder that? There's no way that was the first. animal that fucked them either. I am not willing to weigh it. You don't go straight to horse.

No, you don't start horse. Horses where you're like, this has got to get bigger. I don't, I'm not comfortable anymore. I don't think of a sponsor blue chew. Both left children behind. Hell yeah. Do you think that they died or they left them? I think they left them.

Left them, yeah. This was a day. behind. It just says both. But I just, this is a better era when you could just say like, I'm out.

Yeah, fuck the kid. I'm gone. Figure it out later. Because let's be honest. Some kids suck. I was saying that to some, I was saying that to my buddy the other day.

I was like, you got two fucking bangers. That's great. Good for you. I would, if I knew that at 11, I would have fucking kick ass ones, that's different.

Yeah. But if you're taught, if you really the dice roll, I mean, you know, there's got to be somewhere. You could just leave them at the mall playing like on a little jungle gym.

Well, there's, be a drop-off spot. Because right now they're like, you can only drop them off before like six months or whatever, but it should be like up to 17. There should just be a slide at a playground that's just the goodbye slide. And it just keeps going into the center of the earth. And you're just like, there you go.

What about fire stations? That was popular at one point. That was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fire stations.

That seems like that people don't. And a lot of downtime, I think, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, there's just like they're all... A child. Yeah. I mean, but then they got we. Like before we, they would just take a kid.

But they always need, you always need new firemen. You can just raise that one to be a fireman. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Or woman. Wow. Way to go on your progressive.

I'm very progressive. Child abandonment. You can abandon a girl, too. Cool stuff, Dave. Way to level that playing field. What an awesome ally. Wow. Actually, honest to God, I think this was my first time interacting with the woke mind virus.

You should be able to abandon girls or non-binary children. Oh, wow. Thank you for such an awesome guy. All trials left behind. Yeah, yeah. All right, both left children behind. An elopement in high life has just come to light. Parties are Mrs. John Barr, wife of a well-known and wealthy farmer, and John Cameron, a man of family who for 20 years past, has been a deacon in the Methodist Church at Hagerstown.

Cameron leaves behind a wife and two children, and Miss Barr, a husband, and several little children. But wait, they're not dead. They just have left. They just have left. They took off. They bailed on their families. and they're like, I like you better. Hell yeah.

Is this a different story from the elephant thing? Yes. Yes. We moved off. Oh, my God. Yeah, no, you're like, what the fuck? The elephant has to tell the kids. Your mom.

No. So we are still waiting. Your dad. We're still waiting for him to learn how to talk. Bad. And so far, it's been six years and he's not been able to tell the kids. No, Mr. Hand.

So no Mr. Hands. So that's why he was teaching the elephant to break the news. Having the past. That's why I was so confused. I was like, wait, whose children got left behind? Dad, dead, dead. Dad gone. Mom, mom gone.

What? Dad, mom, gone. No hose. No, no hose. No hose. No hose. Mr. Hand, bad. Okay, stop saying that.

Stop saying that. Feel good, but bad. I feel good but bad. I feel like we shouldn't have let Mr. Hans train him for that long. Stomach split. He die. He die. Your dad go.

You're just supposed to. Your dad go. Okay. Your mom go. Mr. Hand. No, Mr. Hand.

We got to get. Felt good. Felt good. Felt good. But stomach. We got to get. Stomach gone. Our.

Our. Stomick gone. We got to get our elephant. Mr. Hand, man. No. Bad, bad, bad, bad, no, man. Why do we teach us what to talk? Man, your daggone, your mom gone.

Mr. Had, show up. No, no. The pastimes is brought to you by Mint Amobile. Oh, bud, babe. Look, I don't know about you, but I like you my money, where I can see my money. I like having, where you can see it. My money, like, like, I know where my money is. But you know, it doesn't want that?

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Try for $0 at rocketmoney.com slash doll. That's a rocketmoney.com slash doll. A rocket money. All right, ladies, go ahead. Rocket money, rocket money, rocket money. Go ahead and save yourself some packet money. I'm so upset that you keep calling yourself ladies. I'm going to jump back into the people leaving their kids story. Okay, good, yeah, good. New story. Mrs. Barr left home on Saturday and met Cameron near her residence.

The latter had a buggy waiting. They drove off to Hancock, Maryland, a distance of 20 miles. Cameron there sold That's enough To abandon your family Cameron there's They'll never find us darling We'll be two towns over

Cameron there sold the team And the Coops Took a The Coos Whatever It took a westbound train And have not been seen since Both parties had borne the most

Unblemished reputations Up to the Expoise So they fell in love and they didn't. I mean, they had kids, so that's bad. To meet someone who's like also down to fully abandon their family. Yeah, right. Like, what a great connection point.

Like, one of your pitches and not like, that's heartless to be like, that'd be awesome. It's probably how Mr. Hans felt when he met his friends, you know? Mr. Hand, bad. No. All right, tiny. Be quiet.

Bad. Feel good. Feel good. But roar. Wrong to do. Wrong to do. He shows up. Hello, tiny.

Oh, no. I'm all healed up. Mr. Hand, no. No, Mr. Hand. Feel good wrong. Feel good wrong. It's okay to stop this. Stuart

Are these people famous? Why are they writing about them leaving their families? They just random people in town. Back then it was a lot

just about what was happening in the town or like, you know, town nearby. That was better. I guess it's like an Instagram story back then.

Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Totally. Stewart lawyer's story did he strike John Francis Cusick?

But Cusick was very onry. He did strike John Francis. Okay. Ellie lawyer, Stewart, oh, the guy's name is lawyer.

Oh, what a terrible name. You got to change your name. It's not good. You can't have a, there's 12 jobs. Your last name can't be one of them. It's like having your last name,

doctor. You can't. Hello, I'm Jonathan Cobbler. Eli lawyer, Stewart of the Hopewell. I'm Mr. Hayans. Almshouse.

Stop it. whom John Francis Cusick now confined in jail on the charge of arson, accuses of having beaten, starved, and abused him denies the prisoner's story. What's the prisoner's story? Okay, so John Francis Cusick is according, so I think the almshouse is like the poor house, right? Okay. So he's accusing the guy who ran the poor house. of having beaten, starved, and abused him.

And then the guy that's in jail who said that is in there for arson. Okay. It's really the worst sentence. It's really the worst sentence. Sure. You just try to pack all this info into one sentence, making it more confusing. Right. Perfect.

That's breaking it down. He says, for the first six months after I took charge of the almshouse, I tried in every way possible to make it pleasant for him. but he became so abusive, calling my wife a liar, etc., that we had to remove him to a separate building. The idiot he refers to is not so much of an idiot. He is simply not well-balanced. What a great quote.

But idiot back then, idiot back then. This dumb idiot isn't as big of an idiot as you think. Anyone who's buying that, it's a bit of an idiot. Idiot back then is more of a medical term. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. The best. The best.

Totally. Yes, exactly. But back then when he was like, well, we've got your son's test results back. Unfortunately, your boy's an idiot. Medically speaking. Your son's a bit of an idiot. He's the most severe case of an idiot we've ever seen.

He's a huge idiot. We're worried if we don't intervene soon enough, he could become a stage four moron. It is not so much that I refuse. Cusick sufficient food, he would refuse to eat meat, fish, and other things. He's what we call a vegetarian. On the faint couch. Don't worry.

If we intervene now, your boy might have ribs again. I have given him bread, milk, cake, and the like. He would often send these back saying he wanted preserves. I mean, I'm not saying that this is normal, but he's just like, I really like preserved. Doctor, what can we do? Your boy's an idiot. He's a huge idiot.

I'm just imagining being in jail and they give you like a cake. They're like, yeah, yeah. I know, right? A milkshaken cake. Boy, I'll tell you what, the slammer's a bit of a distressed area. He's saying he was starved, but they're like, we gave him cake. Would you like a hot, in the jail, they were like, we only serve birthday party menus.

What a hot dog and a caprice, son? How about some cake, boy? What I want to do for a vegetable? What are you in for, elephant stuff? Mr. Hands? As to the fastening of the door, it happened in this way. Last winter, Cusa consisted on keeping a red-hot fire in the stove with the door of the building open.

citizens remonstrated with me on account of the expense to the township I told them several times to keep the door closed and there would be need of less fire he refused and I finally fastened the door in fine I am ready for an investigation if anybody accepts to my management of the almshouse I have spanked Cusick

but never thrashed him except when he fired his bed you're out of here We're going in another direction. Again, then gave him three lashes with a whip, but it was not enough to injure him. What exactly is happening? I think he said his bed on fire. Oh, he set his bed on fire.

Yeah. Okay. And then when you say spanked him, like, like, the way he spanked a child's butt, like that. I think he is a kid. Like, there's a lot of distinctions. Oh, he's a child. Or he might be someone with a mental disability. Like, this could be a down syndrome guy or,

some other You can spank at any age Because I think when they use the term idiot I think that they're talking about someone with like, you're really serious heart issues. Right. And you can spank.

That spanking can go on forever. Yeah. I know, I'm just saying some people like a spank for as long as possible. And that's okay. No, it isn't. Yeah, it is. Oh yeah, you could spank,

BK will back me up here. You can spank for a long time. It's true. Some, uh, yeah. No, Sometimes a spank can be quite erotic or it can be quite a way to stop you from doing certain habits. I'm actually fine with this conversation not going on.

Does that make sense? Yeah, that's totally fine. But I think for my fellow spankies, we see you. I don't think, are you a spanky, BK? Yeah, BK is a spanky. I mean, I've been spanked, but it's been a while. Yeah. But have you spanked in a while?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you hear what he said? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I didn't like the way that was said, honestly. He's answering your fucking question. But I did not hit.

Or was the distinction he made? He spanked, but he didn't slap. What was it? Yeah, spanking, but no slapping. Yeah. A soft. No, you don't want to spank too soft. That's not a, no point.

Three times. Yeah, whipping I'm out on. I don't whip. Spanking? Hey. What about whipped cream? Only if it's my birthday and I'm in jail. Only in jail.

Your boys haven't even touched your whipped cream. Eastern boys nearly strangled the condemned in fun. New news story. All right, so they nearly strangled in fun. Sure. On Tuesday, several boys met at a stable in the fourth ward. Talked about... There's someone in here.

Who is that man? Hello. Sir, what are you doing in the stable so late? Don't worry. Are you boys of science? Have you ever heard how you can't fit a round peg through a square tube? Hello. My name's Mr. Marshall Hands.

I'm leading a one-man cruise. He's like, thank God no one made the figure out how to make this horse talk. He'd have a lot of stories. You boys want to see how a centaur gets made? There's someone in here. On Tuesday, several boys met at a stable in the fourth ward, talked about the hanging of John Dillman, and then one of them suggested they get up a mock execution just for the fun of it.

Man, kids used to really know how to play. that was way better when you could go have some gallo pretend but I mean it makes sense from a psychological perspective you're a kid you go to see a hanging

the sex actual literal trauma absolutely so then you work it out now you play that is very true it's like yeah I'm sure like during like you know during like

the World War II the Nazi kids are like ha ha yes exactly this is how you play it again you know you're like If you saw it now, you'd be like, these kids are sick fucks. And you would like take a horse into a barn and then the guy, like you do a whole. Yeah.

Well, whatever. It doesn't need to, you don't need to barn. If it's dark enough. Hello. All right. Now put the saddle on my back, pony boy. The proposition was. Felt good, but wrong.

Wrong. The proposition was agreed to and a rope was procured. Oh, my. God. One lad was selected to act as Dillman, another the hangman, and the rest were to be spectators. Boy, I mean, what a great role to be one of the spectators. But who would want to be? I'll be Dillman.

I want to be Dillman. Hang me. The rope was thrown across the beam and... This is starting to not be pretend and actually starting to be a hanging. And then the noose tightly fastened around the doomed lad's neck. By the way, don't love doomed. At a given signal, the murderer was drawn up and was almost strangled to death

when a young lady happened to pass the stable saw him dangling in the air and cut him down. Holy shit. Several minutes later, the boy was able to go to home. Oh, my God. What a fun game. Boy, oh boy, that is some dark pretending. I wonder if at any point anyone was like,

maybe we shouldn't be publicly hanging out. No. Do you think that's having any psychological trauma on the youths? A game somewhat similar was played by boys in West Bethlehem, several lads of age to 13 years, something to 13, while playing in a hay mow, fastened a rope around the body of one of the party, and the rest of the boys held on to the other end of it. The little feather was let down into the marrow,

a fun funnel-shaped box about 12 feet. Then the boys found it impossible to hoist their companion again, and he would have suffocated but for the timely arrival of assistance. So kids are working it out after watching public executions. Yeah, it really makes you wonder what America 2046 will look like. Can't be good. A hamo, it sounds like a self-driving horse carriage, you know. if you're talking about a horse carriage that's actually my favorite position for the barn

hello my name's marshal hands how are you do you think he took the name from fast times at richmond high i don't know i don't even know who's in there yeah mr mr hands is the teacher is piccoli's teacher maybe maybe i also think it might be because that's the only thing they could brace him. Maybe he liked like a very stern teacher type, and that's why he took the name. Sure. And maybe he was pretending the horse was Spacoli.

Here's what I think. I don't think he ever thought everyone will know this name. Did you just blow some candles that BK? What you said? I thought you just blew him. had a birthday candle there. Mr. Huggs is famous

of the equine community. Yeah. You guys hear about Mr. Hooves? Disgusting. He's on his own. Chad's trying to find the humans to have sex with.

He's like, hey guys, where do you guys? You guys think Mr. Hans is a real person. If you heard this urban legend about Mr. Hands.

Um, another celebrated case. How Traces of a husband who disappeared in 1848 were found. Man, he could really just ghost. Ghosting was really an option. It really was. Yeah.

In September 1846, John Halleck of Monroe in this county was married to Miss Hannah Beck Bennett of the town of Mammaicating. Mammocating. Sullivan County, New York. After two years of married life, and when their daughter was four months old,

Halleck suddenly disappeared. I get it. One for him. That's a hard time. That's a hard time. Just go. Like a fight when the kids like around that age, it's a lot of work.

Hard time for the dad. Not enough people talking about a hard time it is for the dad. Very hard time for the dad. We really need to start thinking about the dads more. Yeah. You want to be going to a fucking Buffalo Wild Wings with the boys, taking some green shots. Watching a game.

You got this fucking thing that needs to be taken care of all the time. Yeah. No thanks. I didn't ask for this. I was just fucking. Okay. You know? The deserted wife could find no trace of him and finally gave him up as dead.

The daughter was in the meantime grown up and married. And last month, an El Maira paper chronicled the death in the town of Spencer, Tiagra County, in New York, of one John Halleck, a wealthy citizen. whose death was a great loss to his wife and children as well as the community. Miss Halleck saw the paper and set inquiries on foot with the result of proving him to have been the missing man. So he just went to another town and started over. And then they figured it out eventually. Yeah. Hallick drew his own will and in it bequeathed $5 to Evelyn Dimmick Halleck, his daughter,

by his first one. Five bucks is first wife, his first kid. That's nice. That's, that's, that's some nice cash. That's some good scratch. He didn't name the first wife at all. Yeah. Well, she doesn't deserve anything. But five bucks are nice. That's a good one. That's a nice. That's a nice. That's 20%. That's a nice. So when my dad, my dad was a total dirtbag. And when he died, uh, he had hidden, um, silver quarters. which he thought would be worth like tens of thousands of dollars. By the way, you might want to check in on those.

And my sister brought them out at a family get together, and we all laughed and how crazy he was. He had once buried them in the plants outside. But anyway, it was about, I would say it's about $10 in old silver quarters, and we looked it up, and they're worth about $10. BK, Dave's dad was awesome, and he has a really negative attitude about him. Yeah, your dad loved you more than that guy in that story, dude. Yeah, way more.

Way more. And he didn't fake his own death. Yeah. Your dad was awesome. Your dad stuck around and gave you a flower quarters. Silver's up, babe. Last week, in order to settle the estate, it became necessary to serve a citation on the daughter, and that process furnished further proof

of the dead man's identity. Ms. Hallick, number one, has instituted proceedings to recover her share of her husband's property. Offers of settlement have been made by ex-Jet Smith, who represents the second Miss Halleck and her three children. The matter will be heard in the courts in May.

What are the courts going to hear? They should get something? Yeah, because he never divorced her. He just bailed. So she should get some shit. Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's a, divorce. No, and divorce is when you go through the courts and the, and the court is like, okay, so

it's leaving. Faking your own death is, you're sending a very clear message. I know you're sending a message. Like, that's the emotional part, but the financial part is you have to give some money because Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, Judge Alito, what a guy. You know what I mean? You're going to go through courts.

Courts got us Brett Kavanaugh. You should be able to just go two towns over and pretend like that other town never happened. Okay, that's not great. Yeah, honestly. Thank you. And I hope you get fucked to death by a horse. That's disgusting. Stop.

By the way, it's called getting fucked to life. What? Go ahead. I disagree. Oh, sweet baby Dave. Listen, you know how news is. We're basically a news show and it's overwhelming. Yeah.

But this is different. News is nonstop. It's coming at you all the time. know it's like living in this day and age. I do. I live here. One hour, you're talking about one thing, the next hour. You've completely forgotten about that thing because your brain cannot catch up. You know, we need, Gareth?

Say it. A podcast. Yes. That is not panic-inducing. It slows things down. Yes. I'm talking about stateside with Kai and- Carter.

That's exactly what I was going to say. It's a Guardian podcast. Stateside with Kai and Carter airs three times per week because there's always something to discuss. Kai and Carter get access to the Guardian's resources in the U.S. and reporters around the world, and David, they deliver the most relevant information right to you. We should say to journalists, Kai Wright, and Carter Sherman. But we're talking global content across news, international coverage, climate, culture, sports, lifestyle, fashion, wellness. And they're not a billionaire owned over there at the Guardian, Dave, which is something you and I can get behind.

I like that. So, Kai and Carter wrestles. with all the questions we have, what's going on in the world. So listen, wherever you get your podcasts, or watch on YouTube. Stateside with Kai and Carter. Long hair is the rule in the Prohibition Convention. Wow, that is awesome.

What convention? Long hair at the Prohibition convention. Wow, okay. Now, what years? This is 1884. 1884. Prohibition to get. Oh, yeah.

They were working on it for a long time. Oh, okay. probably got it. Scarcy, any beardless men and no youths at Temperance Hall today, the organization and business of meeting. So they're saying it's all

ladies. Oh, right. Pretty politically correct way of saying that. Yeah, that is. It's very progressive. About three... A bunch of no dickers. About three-scored gentlemen were scattered about on the benches of Temperance Hall

at 11 o'clock this morning. when the prohibition would be a great name for a bar. It would. I bet there's one out there. I bet there is one. When the Prohibition Estate Convention was called to order, the gentlemen were almost all of middle age

and decidedly intelligent looking. There was a notable absence of young men. A close inspection of the assemblage showed only three clean, shaven delegates. No, so it is dudes. Yeah. Full beards with a rule. That's weird.

It's BK. So that's kind of a, that's sort of a, that's the look of a pious man to some extent. I guess so, yeah. I mean, you wouldn't make the cut. Oh, fuck it. Dude. Full beards of the rule, the meeting was called to order by Rodolphus Bingham. Worst name ever.

I'm Adolphus Bingham. Rodolphus. A white-haired old gentleman with side whiskers of the same color. Side? What is he, a fucking, like a... Happy? Did you see the video of, uh, of, uh, Louis C.K. Uh, talking to Jim Norton and he's, his beard is like not that.

It's, it's not that long. Uh, but then he has neck hair that is like hanging over his like dark shirt. It's like the neck hair is like three times as long as the beard hair. It's like, hey, hey, you're not looking very married these days. Is he married still? No, he's definitely, he looks like a single divorced dad at that point. Well, it sounds like he's the abominable snowman. I'm seeing if Temperance Hall is a bar.

Professor George McPherson of Princeton, who wears a full dark beard, tinge with gray, was chosen as temporary chairman. One of the secretaries, JJ Crandall, has closely cut whiskers, except over his upper lip, which is bare. The other secretary That's the worst look. That's how you know you're like, no alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. The other secretary,

J.S. Little was one of the three beardless men in the hall. The youngest looking, who is from South Jersey, sported in a huge bouquet of yellow and red flowers on the lapel of his coat. Jesus Christ. What's happening? What's happening? I don't know. Sounds like that guy's like got a pollinating coat on.

Camden Burlington and Mercer County's... Camden Burlington in a beautiful coat. Once again, an endless supply it seems. Camden Burlington and Mercer County sent the heaviest delegation. Some of the counties were not represented. Hudson sent only one. Lawyer Ransom said word that the trial of a case in which he was engaged detained

to him at Jersey City. This is literally not a story. I think nothing was happening this year because all these stories are so like, yeah, and this guy's like, maybe elephants could talk. By the way, the elephants could talk guy is really. really headlining this paper. He is. Without question.

The paper's headliner is that guy. After the counties had once called a difficult eros of the failure of some delegates to bring credentials, an animated debate followed, a tall, thin gentleman with long flowing hair and a dark beard that tapered down to

a point at the first button of his vest, caused momentary interruption with a motion that a card be fastened to the outer door of the hall, notifying late delegate that the convention was in session. Otherwise, they're apt to get astray. The Jedi was appointed to one of the...

What appointed to a committee to one attend the matter. Jesus Christ. So the slender man walked in and was just like, we should put a note on the door. It literally just goes on talking about the hair on people's faces. I'm more interested in this Louis C.K. Beard, beard chest combo.

It's genuinely... It might be God's punishment for jacking off in door frames. It's genuinely insane. It's awesome. like you want to go like do you have any friends who tell you things? You know he's recording his new special

for Netflix. Yeah. Apparently once you start it in order to stop it you have to see a picture of his penis. Did you guys know that to exit out of the media? I just think it's a way

they're leaning in which I actually like. Yeah, no, it's weird. I like that. That's weird. And then instead of giving it a thumbs up or down, it's a penis up or down. I don't know. know I can still look at a guy who I know you can't do penis up or down and only let's do penis up

yeah well yeah by the way it's not consensual reviewing there's a lot like some people say that they can still listen to Michael Jackson's music like I can do that and I can still watch a man on stage make quips while I know that he's a dorsesterbater I think that's fine I have no problem with that's fine to me hey listen are we okay with mistletoe then I think what Louis did is okay Thank you. Do you have birds? I don't think that's me, is it? You have birds?

No, that's on your end. We have birds? I hope now. We're in an office building. I can tell you what. It would be awesome if we had birds. What if Luke puts birds on it? It would not surprise me.

It's like when you go to an airport and you see six birds and you're like, do they know about the outside world? What airport are you going to? Oh, every airport has a. Birds, baby. What the fuck are you talking about? Every hub has birds.

What? True. Yeah. It's true. They have birds? Yes. Yeah. What did that happen?

It's been happening forever. I've never seen. Yeah. Yeah. There are certain birds. There are certain birds who know no better. Are you talking about young women? I'm not doing the Austin Powers of Purs.

Everyone always got birds, baby. Yeah. Um, a clergyman. peculiarity. Oh, that's not good. Revin? No, no. You don't want a peculiar. You're not.

No, you don't. Certainly do not. This is my dick. The Holy Water's urine. Oh, God. Reverend John... Confessions the original glory hole. Reverend John Miradec has been arrested several times. It's Miradick.

As in, hand me that mirror. I'll show you two of something you never wanted to see. It's just behind Jesus on the cross. Big-boo! Becaboo! Reverend John Merideck has been arrested several times for the larceny of books from different stores, but released on the plea of absent-minded business.

I forgot. I don't know what I was doing with all these books. So he's a book-stealing reverend. Yes. Who gets away with it because he's like, I'm a reverend. By the way, Imagine how great it would be if now our crimes

where people are stealing books. I know. Also like that's peculiar. They're like, he's searching for knowledge. Yeah, he's on the quest to learn. Oh, disgusting. My man, open-minded clergyman. Yeah.

One book. Yeah. Can I go get another book? The Bible will do. It's really dense. Okay. Okay, so recently he was employed by the Sunshine Publishing Company to dispose of books, the proceeds of which were to go to the Bartholdy Statue of Liberty Fund.

So this is probably he's getting rid of, he's probably doing the movement's work by getting rid of blasphemous text. Or he's just selling books and not. The clergyman seems to be absent-minded again, for he collected large sums in New York and failed to make returns. Yeah, he sure is absent-minded. So is Joel Austin. Last night, last night he was arrested after delivering a temperance lecture and held in a $1,000 bail to answer the charge of Washington court.

So he was taking money for books and then not giving them. Right. Oh, okay. It's great to be like at a temperance speech and then be arrested. Here's what society needs. Oh, sorry, I run a book pyramid scheme. A devilish crime This is out of Minnesota

William Loffet Maker Shot and killed his wife And then himself Is that crime? Wow That should have been the headline Over most of these other stories Yeah, it's kind of a bigger one

By the way, the kids have a new game to play Yeah Murder suicide Yeah Miss Lofit Maker was a very handsome and well-to-do American woman who owned a good home and farm. She became infatuated with Lofid Maker

who was a German. Wow, really not giving him much. Jesus Christ. If a sausage could wear pants. That's just be the end of the article. It's like, of course. Should we put a fucking in here or should it just be German?

A German. I say I had a fucking. seen here as a pile of sourcrow. He was ill-tempered and bought the revolver with which the deed was done a year ago. So he's thinking about it. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like the Brady Bill. What? It's like the Brady bill. Five-day waiting period, but he gave himself a year. I like that. He bought the gun and then he sat on it for a year. So by the time he killed his wife, and again, I'm not suggesting people should be doing that, but he knew for sure he wanted to do it.

I don't think I know what the Brady Bill is. Are you doing a Brady Bunch reference? Because I do love the Brady Bunch. Walk us through it, BK. I'd love to talk about it. No, on the Brady bill, the Clinton bill, where he had to have a five-day waiting period after he per- Brady was the guy who got shot with Reagan. But he got shot in a lot.

Oh, gotcha. And then eventually it turned into a bill to... put, but really relatively mild regulations on guns. Yeah, and enough for the other to lose their minds. But we're, we can't, we're like, everybody should be out like,

I can't, we're like, I can't fuck my horses. Why? Well, now, hold on a minute. The Mr. Hans. Now, hold on a minute. We have the Mr. Haynes. He's in Congress. There's no metric for the love between a horse and a man beneath him.

Mr. Senator Hans. Senator. hands. Now hold on. Now hold on. Stand up for your speech. I'm unable to stand. Where's your beard? Mysterious death in New Orleans. Okay. Miss Caroline, or Mrs. Caroline

Speerer, a midwife was walking along Gentile road and she suddenly fell forward on her face. And when friends went to her assistance, she was found to be dead. Waiting for this mystery. Yeah, aneurism, probably, the first one. Yeah, more just head trauma. When the corpse was being prepared for the coffin, it was found... I don't like prepared.

Well, they're getting, putting better clothes on it. It's like you're marinating it. And you're putting makeup on the face. Prepared. How do you all like her? You got to put the pick. Walling off the bones. You got to put the pickles in there to keep it from rotting.

Why are we putting on a fake astro term? We thought we could serve it for the Super Bowl. It put all the sourcrout and pickles in there to keep it fresh. Beautiful presentation. So when the corpse was being prepared for the coffin, it was found that the woman had a small wound in the back of her head. Wow. An autopsy revealed a bullet in the brain.

We got pretty far into this process before the autopsy. No one heard anything? No. They saw her fall. They saw her fall dead and they were like, wow. Could she have gotten shot before and like walked out and they've fallen? No, no, no. That's possible.

It was probably one of these. They shot the bullet in the air, you know? I like that. I like that. Maybe. I didn't even know about that. in town. Yeah,

you didn't know about that technique. That's a possibility. Once again, once again, I have a blind spot for the hoot-in-annet, eh? As a New Jersey guy, we had plenty of those all the time. I've been fru-nanny people, are you?

Oh, yeah. Jersey is the hoot-nanny state. Interesting. An autopsy reveal a bull in the brain, the matter is very mysterious and is now being investigated. It is thought by some that Ms. Shear was shot and robbed while others think,

the shooting was accidental. Well, still the point is she got shot right before they were like going to casket. They were like, should we do an autopsy? Yeah, whatever. Just, there's a bullet in the back of her head. It is weird. You think there'd be an entry wound.

Yeah, something. You know, like for that they would know, yeah, they'd be like, oh, it looks like she was shot. Did someone say entry wound? No. Hello. No. Hello.

That's the name of my horse accident. I actually feel like my story has not been told fully. It has. I don't know. Everyone's heard of it. You don't know what preceded the event. People aren't happy. You don't know what preceded the event.

There was a whole thing. Last one. Last one. The Veterans Entertainment. The whose? Veterans. Okay. Veterans, okay.

The entertainment of the Union Veteran Volunteer Association held at Bayard Post Room last evening was largely attended and a success. Miss McCoy's recitation and one by Felix O'Neill were rendered with intelligence and spirit. The tableau of the rebel

was rendered by Captain Bilby. Edward Haven presided at the organ and his comic songs were heartily applauded. Wow. Joe's back there. It was like weird owl in that time. Yeah, right. Yeah.

The program then proceeded as follows. Mr. Snyder, lessons on the... Whoops. Lessons on the harmonica. This is really horrendous. Lessons on the harmonica is horrible. This is the worst show I've ever heard of.

Yeah. Mr. Weeks, a song, The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The fishermen, the fishermen, the fishermen. The fishermen, the fishermen. Come on for the fish. Okay, thank you.

Thanks, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Weeks. Keep it going for Mr. Hands. Hello. No. I got a show for you guys. You thought he'd pulling a rabbit out of the hat with something, did you? Well, get ready.

I have one trick. And it's my last one. This is for the by final trick. It's called the reverse Excalibur. Oh, no. Comrade Bush with this odd hand organ. This odd hand organ. By the way, that's what Louis C.K.'s specials called.

Odd hand organ. That's something I make name for Mr. Hands. The odd organ. Mr. Hands in organ warmer. And then Mr. Linley, the woodchuck. Hello. I wonder if he did an impression of a woodchuck. I'm a Ford chalk.

Yeah. He probably did an impression of a woodchuck. Probably did a lot of damn puns. That's damn wood. Charles Thompson's song and dance Hello hello George Stannard The Infant Banjoist

I'm a baby I can play the banjo Doing Doing See I'm curious if it's a small banjo If the banjo It's gotta be It's gotta be

I wonder I like to picture it being Like a he-hawn up in a diaper playing the banjo I like that That's pretty good. I'm a little baby. Jacob Booze in the old fire song.

Well, there's fire. Okay, thank you. Thanks, everybody. Mr. Snyder, a song, Mr. Nailer, the one-legged man, a dance. Hello. This is going to feel exploitative. It's everybody ready for us to get really weird

and uncomfortable. Everybody ready to not know how to react. And finally, Tablo, goddess of the liberty or the downfall of the rebellion. Hello. The organ used at the entertainment was furnished by a Roman.

The association is made up of veterans of the late war and is beneficial order under the leadership of Captain Brown. It is for the benefit of the sons and daughters of old soldiers who are in distress. Wow. Wow.

Well. Also, Captain Brown, my nickname in high school. By the way, you say it first, then I'll go along, but I'm not going to say it without. All right. Have you all talked to Captain Brown? What's the matter? Well, BK, the legacy might be Mr. Hans on this one. I don't know how you feel about being associated with that.

I love it. That was a good through line. I am very glad that came up. Okay, good. People should go to insane brown posse, follow you all around. Lots of stuff you're doing maybe lacrosse, maybe High Lie with people. Either way. Catching up.

Yeah, yeah, the Velcro ball with the paddle. Oh, I love that. Yeah. I love that. Guaranteed catch. Yeah. Well, thank you for joining us, BK. And it was a pleasure to hold your hand and to have our hands held.

on another journey through space and time through the medium of periodicals. That's right. So it was very nice to hold your Mr. Hands. We're cutting. We're cutting. We're cutting. We're cutting.