The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 176 - The Past Times with Claire Jolliffe

Episode Date: May 29, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Claire JolliffeSOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHHIMSSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Not...ice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to the past times. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here each week. We go through a newspaper from a random date and history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. Igarth Reynolds have never seen it. And neither has this week's guest.
Starting point is 00:00:17 Great. Claire Jolliffe. Hello, Claire. Bye, guys. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having. People are talking, Claire. Claire, I was sent a note and it says,
Starting point is 00:00:30 leave this establishment. I want to book this person for the past times. And I clicked on the link and I watched about 11 seconds of your stand-up. And I said, yep. It was about 11 seconds. It's that good is what he's saying. Made me laugh. Very hard.
Starting point is 00:00:52 And Claire, you have a one-woman show. Yeah. June 6. Oh. Lyric Hyperion. I'll be there. Be there. 5.30.
Starting point is 00:01:05 I'll be on the show. What is the title of the show? It's called One Woman's Show and Dave. Clarenation. Oh, shit. I like that. Big fan of that stuff. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:16 Do you know Will Anderson? You know Will Anderson? No. He puts it, he's an Australian guy. He puts his, he puts Will into all of his titles. Yeah. And he's done like 800 shows. So at this point, you're like,
Starting point is 00:01:28 Claire, that works for that pretty well. Yeah, that's a Australian guy. Yeah, that's good. Well, that's exciting. What can people expect at the show? Will there be wigs? Wigs? No, there'll be me kind of going like that.
Starting point is 00:01:39 No, it's a show about calling off my wedding. So it's just a lot of crank and... Oh, wow. Crank's good. When did that... What is the timeline between the... the, whatever I would imagine, as a traumatic experience to being able to convert it into some sort of cathartic comedy?
Starting point is 00:01:57 You know, some are saying the streets are talking and they're saying way too soon. She shouldn't even be doing this now. I'm going for it. Further concern coming your way after that. Well, honestly, to me, I would, I'm more in than I was at the beginning. I want to see. It'd be great if you broke down halfway through. Advertising a mistake I'm absolutely in.
Starting point is 00:02:23 That gets me in the front door. Well, that's awesome. Where can people get tickets? and they just go to your... Is it sold out? Yeah. No. Guys, I'll be honest.
Starting point is 00:02:34 Right now with you guys, it's not sold out. It's not selling as well as one home. You put a show on like, Hey guys, you all said you come to my wedding. Can you at least come to the show? Right? Yeah, I'm busy.
Starting point is 00:02:44 Let me put out there. I've watched videos. Claire is really fucking funny. You only watched 11 seconds. I watched 11 videos. And then I watched more after that. But let's say this. Claire's very funny.
Starting point is 00:02:54 Our fans, if you're in the area, it's 530, lyric is a great little spot. Go see this fucking show. And like Claire said, she's alienating her goddamn real world people for you. Her family doesn't like her anymore because of this. I don't know if we're going that far. The family is
Starting point is 00:03:09 sworn her off. They're done with her. I don't think that makes her feel better. This is a comforting place. But go see the fucking show. Can they just go to the Lyric Hyperion website? Is that the best place to do it? So just fucking Google, Bing, brave, whatever fucking browser
Starting point is 00:03:26 you're using. Doesn't matter. They're all going through your bullshit. Claire's putting on a goddamn show and you're going to it. Do you understand me? You're going to the show. If Claire's show does not sell out, we're shutting down the podcast. I'm not ready to sign that paperwork. Shutting it down.
Starting point is 00:03:41 Now, Claire... Murder suicide ending. That's a crazy thing to say. Those terms are weird. Probably going to get bleeped out. Might not be on YouTube. Now, Claire, we're going to guess what year this newspaper is from with no context. Unless, do you want to give a little context? Do you want to just give a headline on this fucker?
Starting point is 00:03:57 Lady chaperone for Lady Tourists. So there you go. Great insight. It could be 17, 18, 1900s. Claire, shot in the dark guest. You know that there is a lady chaperone involved, which, again, a long time frame where Lady Chaperone was probably... I'm thinking we bring them back. Agreed.
Starting point is 00:04:17 I'm going to... And a year. Gut instinct is saying 1874. I like it. Yeah. Lady Chaperone Ladies Chaperone gives me in 1905.
Starting point is 00:04:32 Lady Chaperone is going to be the name of my one-man show. Yeah. Nobody's ready for that. I think I had a person called that. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:40 Dave called off his wedding after it happened. When is it? 1888. 1888. Claire wins. Yes. That means you got to go
Starting point is 00:04:48 to the lyric hyperion. My favorite thing that I ever happened at a wedding was I was like one of the groomsmen or whatever the fuck and my buddy
Starting point is 00:04:55 was walking up. You too cool to remember the name groomsman? Well, I don't know if I was the best man of the grubman, but anyway, we were walking up and the priest or rabbi or whatever he was just like, hey, can I get the money? While they were lined up to walk out.
Starting point is 00:05:09 That is fucking awesome. Hey, can I get the cash? You guys owe me $180. Now, Clay, you didn't have that happen because you didn't make it that far. Do you, Jeff, remember you owe me $180? Wednesday, April. The what? Do you have the range and do you have the cash?
Starting point is 00:05:30 That was all I was going to say. You know what? You know, I'm going to hold... You look pricey, so you do have money. I'm going to hold onto this ring until I get the cash. And you put it on the finger when I put it in my wallet. Do you understand? Don't try to fuck me, Jerry.
Starting point is 00:05:41 You will not fuck me in front of your friends and family. Wednesday, April 18th, 1888, the evening press, Bay City and West Bay City, Michigan. Isn't, when you're dating someone, don't we call it Bay City? Does I have any relation? Does it have any relation to you, Claire? Because sometimes Preston will pick a place that's where the person's from. I'm from Michigan. I'm from Michigan. There you go.
Starting point is 00:06:08 There you go. Well, well. The land of 800 lakes. A 900 now. They added more. Smart. Lady chaperones for lady tourists. This one raise a bell.
Starting point is 00:06:23 Doesn't chaperones usually have an E at the end? Chaparone Oh, it depends. The artist? No. Back then, I believe so. I think this is chaperon. Okay.
Starting point is 00:06:34 This is a new thing, but the wonder is it was not thought of before. Translation. Hey, I know this seems very strange, but why did it take so long? Why should not a corporation have an exhibit an interest in the moral safety
Starting point is 00:06:53 and intellectual pleasure of its patrons. Answer that. Intellectual pleasure. I like that sound like. I believe you should be offered intellectual pleasure. Yeah. Every time I go into the Wii work and they ask if I need a suite, I go, yeah, I'm here
Starting point is 00:07:07 for intellectual pleasure. I'm the only guy at my Wii work. It's really more of a me work. Go ahead. I would say that this podcast is intellectual pleasure. Claire, your one woman show will be intellectual pleasure, will it not? You talking about the one of the Lyric Hyperion, June 6? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:22 5.3 p.m. Yeah, I think it's called... Whoops, a clarification. What's the clarification? Clarification, I believe it is. Yep. I directed it. And you're doing kind of a horrible job.
Starting point is 00:07:34 I have a lot of notes, actually, but I don't want to think of you all my... I don't think the artist is ready to perform the show from being honest. I've been trying to be sensitive. Way too raw. It's actually way too broad. It's way too raw. There's too many discoveries as we lead up to the final show.
Starting point is 00:07:47 It's crying the show. We're just starting to find it. Crying and spring. screaming the show. Yeah. It is well known that sharpers and scamps. Okay. Well, Sharpers, I guess, sir.
Starting point is 00:08:00 Sharpers, I'll put up with scamps. I have no tolerance. What do you think of sharper is? Conman? Yeah. I thought it was just kind of like people. People who had pointy edges, like broad shoulders. Kind of a square type.
Starting point is 00:08:15 Yeah. Square-ish person. I would think it's some sort of, yeah, roust about. A clever swindler, a crooked gambler, or a cunning con man. Yeah. So that's what we thought. Yep. It's what we thought all along.
Starting point is 00:08:31 And scamps are on the cars everywhere, ready to take advantage of the unprotected and uninformed. Mm-hmm. Maga. No. Oh. What? Huh? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:44 Everything I thought, every time I hear a description of people, I just think, is it MAGA or not MAGA? Yeah. That sounds magish. I'm MAGA, by the way. You are? Big Meg. Yeah. Yeah, I just, yeah, I got in recently.
Starting point is 00:08:56 I just, lately it started to kind of click for me. This is a good movement. Yeah. And talk about a posse. These people, they're awesome. They're awesome. You've never had better buffalo chicken dip from a group, period. Can anyone hear me?
Starting point is 00:09:15 Yeah. Okay, because everybody's, everyone's gotten real quiet on the podcast. That's why we're staring at you. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah, so anyway. I was with you the whole time and then I was like, I've had the buffalo chicken with.
Starting point is 00:09:28 I went to Trump Towers and I thought it was like a sex. You got it at the towers? You got it at the Tower? At the Trump Tower you got the? Can we just imagine how different the world would be if 9-11 was into Trump Tower? If those two planes at Trump Tower, could be an interesting study. Okay, anyway, you had a newspaper. at some point, didn't you?
Starting point is 00:09:58 There's an increase of women travelers, and this lady chaperone thoroughly posted on all matters of interest will contribute in no small degree to their getting the full value of their tours. What is that? It feels a little insinuitive. This isn't a story. What is the story? The story is that women are traveling more, and so they're going to... But chaperone to me suggests some sort of supervised.
Starting point is 00:10:25 Oversight. Overseeing. So they're not getting sex or whatever. Yeah. Well, that goes right to sex. I'm the chaperone. Everything but. Nah, nah, nah.
Starting point is 00:10:38 I know it's out. I'm sitting over the pants action here, but let's... That's fine with me. Excuse me. Daryl, did you jizz? That's fine. Just keep it out. Over the pants.
Starting point is 00:10:47 You've got the little pointer thing. No, no, no. Over the pants. La, nah, no. No, not. Leave room for the Holy Ghost down there, you two. 69, if you might. There'll be no insertion.
Starting point is 00:10:59 69. When we 69, God giggles. Oh, he has a laugh. He's like, that wasn't how I drew this up at all. You people will figure anything out. Scamps. There are also thousands of men traveling over interesting routes who would only be too glad to pay liberally a guy. or importer of information.
Starting point is 00:11:27 I'm going to go ahead and advise these women traveling to not take that job. I'd like to pay for you to come on my vacation and make sure I'm okay that I'm a good boy. Baby, you'll be coming on my vacation if you know what I mean. Finally, I'm not the only one coming on my vacation. Secret, I probably will be the only one coming. I believe the female orgasm to be a myth.
Starting point is 00:11:55 Much like the underwater world of Atlantis. No, that one's real. You'll be drier than Atlantis. Go ahead, Claire. So it's a lady for lady, and then they're also bringing up men for men in this. Yeah, the whole story. Hiring a male chaperone is funny if it's a guy.
Starting point is 00:12:19 I mean, it is like friend prostitution. They're saying that men traveling would also like a woman chaper out. Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, so they're paying, that's why I flag it. Well, that's an escort. Well, in the man's mind, he's like, I hired a, I'm courting a woman for the summer on my trip. He's literally just escorted me. She's just escorted me. Yeah, she's an escort. This completely sounds like something my dad right now would tell me he got kind of caught up in. And I'd be like, how much have you paid this lady friend? He'd be like, just $5,000. But she's my best friend. And then I'd like talk to her and be like, hey, yeah, you had a good run.
Starting point is 00:12:55 get out, get out of his life. I work as a nanny and that's kind of what my job is. Like the mom just sits around all day and I'm just sort of like, hey, how are you? What are you doing? Oh, that's great. Where do you work? As a nanny in the Hollywood Hills. And are you your friends with the nanny fam, the nanny mother?
Starting point is 00:13:14 She just likes to have you around hanging. Yeah. So the mom's there, but you're doing the mom work? Is that how it's? Yeah, she's like, I got, I love being a mom. And I'm like, do you? Because I'm breastfeeding around. Seems like
Starting point is 00:13:26 I got a kid on each tip Claire, let me ask you this since you're in the business Why can't I hire a nanny If I have no kids? You can't? Because I've run into that a bunch. Any woman who comes into your house
Starting point is 00:13:40 and says you can't do that She's trying to keep winning down You know what I mean? It should be equal to equal pay And I'm running for present about that. Thank you. I would love to join the But I'm already spoken for it.
Starting point is 00:13:53 I have a group. We're dip people, and it's going really good. You're what people? We're dip people. If you say it to me again, I will fight you. Sorry, Claire, this is earlier stuff coming out. And it ends with this. Here is a capital field for shrewd fellows with less dollars than knowledge.
Starting point is 00:14:13 I felt like that would be a colon. There's nothing after that? I don't know what that means, with less dollar than knowledge. So men are smarter than their worth, or men? Yeah, they're men who are smart but don't have a lot of money is what they're saying. So take pity on these men.
Starting point is 00:14:31 You guys, the men who are wanting the lady chaperones are both dumb and poor. It's like you don't know the area and you don't have the money to do it. I feel like they are, I feel like it is prepping for when the man's like, by the way, I can't offer you
Starting point is 00:14:47 as much as I originally said for this summer vacation. Why don't you come with me as a friend? I have I've got a a lot of I got a lot to offer an offer thanks
Starting point is 00:15:01 outside of money and friendship by the way I want to be clear that again I do believe the female orgasm was invented and it's not possible just want to be clear
Starting point is 00:15:13 what's the point look when I'm done it's over no Procreation I A preacher convicted of misconduct. What?
Starting point is 00:15:31 The Reverend M. Hanson of the Methodist Church, who has been on trial for all the week before a ministerial board for alleged misconduct was this morning convicted. This does not throw him out of the church, however, as he can now make a contest before the conference. That's interesting. I was going to read, because I was about to do a little bit. Claire and I love a bit. I'm a big bit guy. He likes comedy. But I wanted to read this comment that Preston found somewhere about me.
Starting point is 00:16:04 It was on a clip we posted and the notorious lightning said, this would have been interesting if you didn't have the goofy guy doing silly voices and drawn out sketches. I agree with that. Which is a hardful. That's hurtful, right, Claire? Can we just hear the newspaper, please? That's called reading a newspaper. That's called reading a newspaper from the 1920s. That podcast exists. It's the paper.
Starting point is 00:16:32 Interesting. No, no idea of what he did or no. Yeah, because I'm immediately like, oh, this has got it. And so he touched kids. It's got to be the same crommas. Yeah, right. Yeah. But I guess it goes. It could have.
Starting point is 00:16:49 It could be. Well, they could. Well, they grift financially as well. Let's not sleep on that one. I mean, Joel Austin, like some plumber went to Joel Austin's house and moved the toilet and found $150,000 stashed in the wall. But there it is. But my mind does as well. My mind goes to some sort of sexual misgivings.
Starting point is 00:17:09 It had to be. Mr. Givings. What else would they care about that? And I'm not doing a silly voice. Yeah, keep the professional, please. Yeah, what if it was like art forgery? Yeah. That would be refreshing.
Starting point is 00:17:22 It's just like the holy. He stole pool water and said it was holy. They can make it holy by they do it. They do it themselves. I've not read those printouts. I would love to get my eyes on those. Claire was raised in a church. Were you?
Starting point is 00:17:42 She doesn't have parents. Yeah. I was raised by actually by two little church mice. And the whole time I go, hey, I have a little bit of cheese. And it's like, no, no, you're kind of. big enough. Well, that's because you guys are mice and I'm a human and they said, get out of you.
Starting point is 00:17:55 And were they, were you and mice parents upset about the wedding thing that we're going to see a clarification on June 6th. Yeah, but they understood he was like a little, he was like a little rat boy so they were like, well, you know, you're a mouse, he's a rat. Right. Yeah, they don't like rats. Mice
Starting point is 00:18:12 and rats don't. Not anymore. They're like sharks and jets. They used to. By the way, you know what I found out recently? Rats, very playful. I don't think we should be killing them. I think we should be incorporating them into our worlds. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:18:27 Have you heard of the black plague, you dumbass? Thank you. Thank you. Why has it got to be black? Why is it got to be black? That's just the name of it because it turned. Oh, yeah, and keep perpetuating that. Because it turned your underarms black.
Starting point is 00:18:40 Turned your underarms black. And what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? You don't want to be black? No, it's part of you dying. It's the death process. Oh, oh, so, oh. Oh.
Starting point is 00:18:49 Oh. Oh, well, now you're just saying it out loud. Yeah. It's the death process. Yes. And that's Magat. And that's on Magat. That is, that is that.
Starting point is 00:19:03 Now, that's what I've been talking about. It's not, though. Over a nice dip. What? Yeah. No. Oh, yeah. We're doing it in a breadball.
Starting point is 00:19:11 It's a whole thing. I love a bread bowl. Are you confusing Maga with Panera? I'm confusing a bunch of stuff. Are you confusing Maga with Panera? Oh, my God. And did you know? In St. Louis, it's called St. Louis Breadco.
Starting point is 00:19:23 It's not called Panera. What the fuck just happened? What are you talking about? Is that true? That can't be real. No, I went to St. Louis and they said, oh, you want to go to St. Louis Breadco? And I walked in and I went, this is a Panera. And they said, that's what we call it here.
Starting point is 00:19:38 And I went, this place. They were like, bite your fucking tongue. This is not a Panera. This is a St. Louis bread company. What the fuck? Now would you like a red pepper soup? And a sandwich that you eat? a big event.
Starting point is 00:19:52 I'd never been in a Panera. What? Here's why. It's crazy. Because I found out that they, all the food they make, they like ship it in bags. Buddy. And I couldn't take, I couldn't. That's everywhere.
Starting point is 00:20:03 Oh, you've never been to a hospital? Honestly. I mean, this guy. Wait, you think you're better than bags? Hold on. I want to know. We're all waiting from bags, hot shots. Are you talking about chips?
Starting point is 00:20:15 You never have chips. Wait, Claire, are you talking about IVs? Hey, she's talking about what she's talking about. Talking about bag hater. Yeah, talking about IV. Good Lord. You ever had an IV in you? It's so funny that come in to do you just cut the IV in your mouth.
Starting point is 00:20:30 Claire. Jesus Christ. Am I in a Panera? Claire. I think I'm in a Panera. All right. We're moving past. All right.
Starting point is 00:20:40 That story was terrible. There's no information. That's a big black mark, Preston. Oh, black mark being negative? That's interesting. Why couldn't it be a big white mark? That's interesting. White Mark is good to you, huh?
Starting point is 00:20:52 Why could it be a woman mark? Oh. 100%. 100%. 100%. You're not mag. Excuse me, Miss Parks. Get up.
Starting point is 00:21:05 I want to sit on the bus. You fucking piece of shit. You pieces. What? Ooh. That's a black mark. Don't want that one. And I'm MAGA.
Starting point is 00:21:16 I know. Actually, I think I like Panera. I think we did that. Yeah, you like Panera. The past time. is brought to you by Hymns sexual health. Yeah. Look, E.D.
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Starting point is 00:21:55 and talk to someone. I look back in the day, they used to put you on a horse and send you out of town. Right? Now you can just kind of, you can figure it out. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:22:04 you're not banished anymore. Figure it out. Yes. And you can come back to your lady or your fellow or whatever you got there and just go, whatever it is. Look at this.
Starting point is 00:22:15 Pony, whatever. Who cares? Yeah. And stare at them and be like, look at it. I think that the point is that they offer a lot of, maybe point at it,
Starting point is 00:22:23 maybe run around a little bit. enough. This is a discrete way to, this is a discreet way to get the solve and, you know, I mean, take care of this stuff. Or salve. Go get, I actually say, you say, go get the south, baby. This is a confidence building thing and you shouldn't feel bad. It's, you know, get some help. Hems is there for. Look, it connects you with licensed health care providers online. It gives you simple access to legitimate and we sit in on those. Dave and I sit in on those. Not a lot of people know that Dave and I are in on those too. And I don't do anything about wink.
Starting point is 00:22:55 The whole time, that's all he do is wink. It's good. I just go, ooh, that could be good. So while there are no awkward appointments or pharmacy lines, but it is a little bit weird with me. You bet you. Yeah. Yeah.
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Starting point is 00:23:51 sweet baby Dave listen you know how news is we're basically a news show and it's overwhelming okay but uh this is different news is nonstop it's it's coming at you all the time you know it's like living in this day and age i do i live here one hour you're talking about one thing the next hour you've completely forgotten about that thing because your brain cannot catch up you know we need gareth say it a podcast yes that is not panic inducing it slows things down yeah I'm talking about stateside with Kai and Carter. That's exactly what I was going to say. It's a Guardian podcast.
Starting point is 00:24:28 Stateside with Kai and Carter airs three times per week because there's always something to discuss. Kai and Carter get access to the Guardian's resources in the U.S. And reporters around the world and David, they deliver the most relevant information right to you. We should say it's journalists, Kai Wright, and Carter Sherman. But we're talking global content across news, international coverage, climate, culture, sports, lifestyle,
Starting point is 00:24:51 fashion, wellness. And they're not a billionaire owned over there at The Guardian, Dave, which is something you and I can get behind. I like that. So then Kai and Carter wrestle with all the questions we have, what's going on in the world. So listen, wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube, stateside with Kai and Carter. Police and Criminal. That's the headline.
Starting point is 00:25:18 Okay. That's a terrible headline. Hey, Cap. Is that glare? Yeah, that's clear. You only do ACAB and a foreign voice. Yeah. I didn't say it.
Starting point is 00:25:33 Not a drunk arrested last night. I've been arrested for not being drunk. Yeah. You're out with your friends. They're like, get drunk or I'm going to arrest you for this one. I'm not drunk. I think this is short for vagrants. 17 Vags found shelter at the police station last night.
Starting point is 00:25:52 That is a great way of putting it. Yeah. So I slept at the police station last night. Oh, you did? Yeah. Yep, by choice. Not drunk. Oh, you know.
Starting point is 00:26:01 What a bed. Hmm. You're a Vag? I'm a Vag. Oh, maybe it's Vagges. I'm a Vaj. I slept at the police station last night for not being drunk. I'm a Vaj.
Starting point is 00:26:13 They come fast and furious this time of year. Get drunk. I'm a vagrant. This is where we got Pussy from. This is it? Oh. So it was today. It would be 17 pussies.
Starting point is 00:26:23 were from shelter You 17 pussies Yeah 17 pussy That's like a Boston paper 17 pussies That's Vince
Starting point is 00:26:34 Venice Sorry Venice Trombly charged with being A comma drunkard Was given a good lecture Is this an entourage script? I don't know
Starting point is 00:26:43 Okay It feels like it could be Was given a good lecture By Judge Mangan This morning And allowed to go There is a commitment For him
Starting point is 00:26:52 Okay, there's a commitment for him which will be served the first time he disobeys the injunctions laid down by his honor. Okay, so he's on parole. Right. He got paroled. Sure.
Starting point is 00:27:04 For big drunk. This is not a story. Yeah, why can't you be drunk then? This is 18. Well, there was definitely back then a lot of ordinances of being drunk. The temperance movement
Starting point is 00:27:20 went on forever until they finally got made it illegal. It was like abortion. It was. Yeah. It was. And now nobody cares about abortion. Now nobody cares about abortion.
Starting point is 00:27:34 Nope. I love abortion. But man, those fucking those Democrats that day it happened. They really came out fighting. The amount of text I got that day. Oh, fuck. There is a lot of money. Fuck, where they texting me that thing.
Starting point is 00:27:48 And now it's legally. Yeah. Yeah, anyway. A snake in love. Yeah. A snake in love. Oh, I like that. Now you're interested.
Starting point is 00:28:01 Very. A Nebraska man who tries to beat Manhattan. Omaha Herald, among the many guests at the Millard yesterday, was Judd Webb of Fremont. In speaking of the city where he resides, he stated that it never before was so prosperous as it is today. and that the future before it is a brilliant one. Who understands what's happening? Okay, I was going to say, guys, I feel like you brought me on the shows a prank.
Starting point is 00:28:31 Like, because I've never felt dumber in my life. I was like. Who understands what's going on? I don't really. What? What was the snake? We were promised a snake. Two snakes kissing or a snake kissing a man?
Starting point is 00:28:45 And I didn't hear a single rattle about that in there. I could show you. I didn't even think about two snakes kissing. They're in love. Right? What was the headline? But I go, Claire's doing it. And act out.
Starting point is 00:28:59 It's for the visual. I've seen those. I was singing a snake kissing a man. Or what about a lady kissing a snake? It's getting into a strange turn. No comment anymore. Sturning kind of. Yeah, I'm not, uh, see ya.
Starting point is 00:29:13 What about a lady putting a snake? You're becoming problematic. Put a snake in her mouth. This is the episode where you get canceled. Excuse me? He brought on this young, vulnerable comedian. Yeah. And then he was like,
Starting point is 00:29:23 Have you ever seen a lady kiss a snake before? Yeah. I just look over and this is all written down by like, are your handwriting? Gareth, you should leave for a while. Now, anyway. Also, it says your ladies kiss snakes. Industries of many kinds are growing up
Starting point is 00:29:45 and business of every kind is increasing. Webb is a very genial and bright conversationalists such as naturally found among hotel men and owing. I literally don't understand. I think it's a wash. I don't understand what's happening. It's a guy who's like, I live in New York and it's great.
Starting point is 00:30:02 That's what's happening. Yesterday he told, it's really dumb. Where's the snake? Well, I hope we fucking get there. There's no snake. I'm going to kill Preston. Yesterday he told a herald reporter, a peculiar and wonderful snake story.
Starting point is 00:30:19 Ah. Okay. Very the lead. Yeah. He said, you want to see a snake with an ear and then he turned one pocket inside out and did his zipper down. Once, one that would hardly be believed by many, if it were not for the fact that Mr. Webb is a greatly esteemed and respected by all who know him for his stern integrity. We're building up to it. Are we? We're trying to say, this is a crazy snake story
Starting point is 00:30:48 so the guy it's coming from is an honorable and man with integrity that's what we're doing we're building up the man so you'll believe the snake portion of this because just watch and then the snake portion is just going to be like and then the snake bit me and it went away
Starting point is 00:31:06 it's like I saw a snake in a bush yeah there was a snake there was a snake over there two days ago he said quote I suppose never has there been a better candidate to tell us A snake story. Quote, I suppose you will hardly believe this story, but nevertheless, it is true as a gospel. I have seen and talked with all the parties interested in, and in fact, am personally acquainted with them.
Starting point is 00:31:31 It is a... Jesus, this is crazy. Oh, my God, it's really long. It is the only case of the kind ever known. The devotion is that of a boa constrictor 30 feet long who seemingly has reasoning power. Here we go. Understands language and sleeps on the hearth rug of a home. All right.
Starting point is 00:31:51 Keeps the house free from rats and mice and follows his master about the house like a dog. And now, by the way, allow me to apologize to this article. Because this is the best. I'm back. I'm back. By the way, when I lived in New York, every six months there was a story in the paper about some guy in an apartment in the Bronx getting killed by a boa constructor. It happened all the time.
Starting point is 00:32:14 It's insane how common it is. Every six months, another guy got killed by a blister. Well, it's gotten worse under Zoron. I mean, he's completely fucked that city up. Now you got so many. We've never had more wall snakes than that town. And those grocery stores, where are they? Thank you.
Starting point is 00:32:32 Someone had to say it. Good Lord. The huge serpent is today the property of Reverend Gorham Nail, now a resident of Durham Nail. Some 20 years ago, missionary in Africa. So we're putting it together now That's where he got this snake Yeah It'd be hilarious if he didn't
Starting point is 00:32:53 He came back and brought it into pet shop in Brooklyn Yeah, right It seems that shortly before leaving Africa He went into his house one morning And stepping into the kitchen He was horrified at finding a little child Fondling on the floor with a young serpent Another story about a priest fondling and kids
Starting point is 00:33:13 A lot of fondling going on here I don't love the terminology. You know, I came home and saw a kid fondling a serpent. That was what they used to call it in Everland Ranch. I got to bring it back. Got to bring this to America. Yeah. The two were cresting each other like lovers.
Starting point is 00:33:31 Good word. What the fuck? What the fuck? No. No. What? Is that for real? Is that what it actually says?
Starting point is 00:33:39 That's what it says. I swear to God, if he's making that word out, if that sentence is made up, Dave is on a watch list. I really, that's really there. Oh, that is a crazy. So he comes home and the kid and the snake are getting it on. Jesus Christ. I'm like, I'm a good guy.
Starting point is 00:33:54 Guys, I promise. I'm a good guy. I'm normal. I'm a good guy. But there was a kid and a snake that were like lovers. But it wasn't me. Let me lay out some credentials as to why what I'm about to say is okay. They call me good guy, Jimmy.
Starting point is 00:34:09 I'm happily married. I love an adult woman. We're in a very, very monogamous relationship. My wife is 18, I promise. Anyway, I came home one day and saw a boy fuck a snake. Do you understand? Do you understand? And now that snake's my friend's dog.
Starting point is 00:34:30 There seemed to be no harm in it, and he kept the serpent in his family, and it soon became domesticated. Imagine walking in on what you just described and being like, I don't see a problem. It's insane. It's totally legal. I'm a part of the family now. You know what? I got to say this. Now that you've been inside my son.
Starting point is 00:34:53 Welcome to the family. Oh, boy. He's a boy constrictor. Yes. It grew rapidly and today it is 30 feet in length. And has the power to crush an ox. Well, the fair. Could it?
Starting point is 00:35:12 Oh, my God. Yeah, they're insane. they're insane but would it would they well I mean if you set the state
Starting point is 00:35:19 in the circumstances properly yeah no no not yeah well yeah with a Zempic by the way a lot of snakes
Starting point is 00:35:25 are losing weight with Bo Zempec you've seen that stop and perhaps an elephant could be something that could be in the show perhaps an elephant
Starting point is 00:35:33 maybe not an elephant 30 feet these things they're all muscle huh an elephant yes
Starting point is 00:35:41 no yes no we're sponsored by Claude Claude Could you bring up Can a ball a constrictor? What's the
Starting point is 00:35:53 What's Joe Rogan's Persnickety? He has, I can never get it right. Pernicious. Perplexity. Hey, let's get an answer on reality from perplexity. Hey, perplexity.
Starting point is 00:36:06 Hey, perplexity. Can a man look like a finger? And that's why there's some, That's why the fact that man can look like things is just why I left California. You know, there's actually a snake who's hosting a podcast just like that. The Boer Rogan experience? You can stop. That's, that's probably,
Starting point is 00:36:24 the Joe Boogan? I can, I can absolutely guarantee no one is happy right now. There's a couple, there's a couple people that are enjoying it. Since it was taken into the, more snake joke, more snake joke, please, please, please. Say what, I'll tell you who's not loving it is my main man, uh, notorious lightning.
Starting point is 00:36:43 You didn't love it. He doesn't love what I do. Where was that comment? Was it on Reddit or something? I don't know. It's very funny for Preston to just be like, hey, here's a guy who hates your guts. It's very funny, though. It was funny, yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:57 For you. Since it was taken into the family, it has never shown a savage disposition in any way. But I mean, that's what Sigfried and Roy would always say about their tigers. They wouldn't hurt me. Yeah. And then why did something happen with that? Well, a wild animal is tame until it isn't. Yeah, and then it's like, sorry, I just, I know we've been hooking up for a couple of months,
Starting point is 00:37:17 but I think I just got to see you more as a friend and you're like, you said you would never hurt me. You know how tigers always do enough? I raised you as a boy. Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, yeah. No, and trying to break up with a snake is hard. I see you more as a pet. Yeah. I want to kind of convert this into like owner pet thing.
Starting point is 00:37:34 What? Like takes off his reading glasses. What are you talking about? What in God's name? Are you talking about? Uh, in... Honey, the casserole's almost done. Hey, Todd, sit down.
Starting point is 00:37:47 Mm-hmm. It's hard for me to do that. I don't have the bone structure. Coil. In 1870, the Reverend Nail returned to his country with his family and brought the large serpent with him. That's wild. The boa has been fed on milk, gruel, and rabbits. That's just...
Starting point is 00:38:08 I mean, that's quite a trio. Gruel is not on any one. I mean, what is gruel? It's just like a paste of... Yeah, it's porridge, right? Yeah, I think it's like a kind of watery. Porgy, watery. It's just like when you're starving, you'll have it.
Starting point is 00:38:24 That's the... Thick, cold soup. It's for orphaned. Are we going to get back to gruel? Yeah, it's for orphan. It's orphan soup. It's basically, it's wheat and milk. But instead of hearty, they're like, it'll fill them up.
Starting point is 00:38:35 Yeah. It's like if paper mache was heated. That's right. Like the paper mache liquid. but does not have the ravenous appetite that appearances would suggest. As it grew older, became more domesticated, and today it is the slave and pet of the child who grew to be a woman. Would you like to see my slave? Feed my...
Starting point is 00:39:02 Here, take this rabbit and feed it to my slave. All right, let's... All right, now let's do this. Let's play a little game. Okay. And the game is, if you saw this on the dodo Instagram, would you like this story? Because I like this story. What's the dodo Instagram?
Starting point is 00:39:18 What's dodo? I was like, this must be a my-oldo. What's dodo? It is a mega thing. Claire is also. Dodo's a bird that we believe is not extinct. No, it's like an animal, it's like an animal feel-good page. The dodo.
Starting point is 00:39:31 Are you serious? It's just called the dodo? Yeah. You've seen their work. It's like a page four idiots. That's why they call it the dodo. Oh, 13 million followers. Yeah, it's huge.
Starting point is 00:39:41 Now, let's say you hear like with some kind of cool guitar, like a little like acoustic guitar, a story of a boy who met a snake. And from the very beginning, the boy and the snake kind of hit it off. And now the boy's a man and the snake and the boy are buddies. Now, did we see early video of the snake? Well, pictures probably pictures. And it's kind of. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:03 Yeah, like the lover period when they're like when the boys. I found the snake's cock. No, but it's like you, you know, the, yeah, you see some pictures and then it's updated and then the guy's sitting on the couch with the snake and they're like watching, you know, some shit on TV. Do they cut to the funeral one where they're taking the snake out of the snake? All right. You're, any heartwarming nature to this story at all? Well, actress I've read at the end of the newspaper article that the child grew into a woman. So is it like a trans thing?
Starting point is 00:40:31 It wasn't a boy and then it's a woman or was it a girl the whole time? I miss that. Maybe the snake grew into a woman. Yeah, and you know what, I don't think I've ever said that it was a boy. I think we just assumed it was. This is like that riddle. This is like the riddle. I think you're right about that.
Starting point is 00:40:45 Ask him lies. The doctor was a woman. The doctor was a woman. Yeah, it doesn't say, I think we just jumped to that conclusion because we can never envision a snake and a young lady. Preston, do us a favor. When you're editing this, use Claude to make it sound like we thought it could be either a boy or a girl. A boy or a girl. A boy or a girl.
Starting point is 00:41:09 Thank you, Claude. Yeah, just put it, exactly. Just put it an or girl after every boy. And I'd like to be the one who says, or girl. Does anyone have an issue with that? I really, I see myself as an ally out there. I'm fine with it.
Starting point is 00:41:20 Mega empathy. Yeah, it just says little child. That's all it said. Okay. No, it said boy. It said boy. Boy a constrictor. It said boy.
Starting point is 00:41:30 You said it, and that's why everyone got fucked in the head. Oh, man. Preston, when you use Claude, cut out this part. Okay, a peculiar instance of its devotion is told a few years ago, its mistress had been away from home on a three-week visit. Why does it keep doing that? Well, it's a slave and mistress situation. It's kind of a few of a way.
Starting point is 00:41:52 It really wants us to believe that this is the lady's lover. Yeah, and sort of the mistress. And the B and BDSM stands for boa constructor. Yeah, there we go. Yes, yes. When she returned to the house, the serpent recognized her at once, and crawling to her shoulders, he rested its ugly head on her back. Brick rider.
Starting point is 00:42:13 Ugly, yeah. She had hard work to dislodge it, and it seemed that he was trying to kill her, it sounds like. He feared that she would leave. Oh, the hug he gave her. Oh, he hadn't seen her in a while. And oh, the hug. You've never seen a bow constrictor hug like this.
Starting point is 00:42:29 It's like an open-mouth kiss her, too. Oh, he's open-mouth kissing her neck. It's like, I've missed you for three weeks without food. He was putting what we call Miss You Holes in her throat. It seemed that he feared that she would leave the house again. This is the longest time the two had been separated. A few years ago, the parents of the young lady died, and last year she was married,
Starting point is 00:42:53 one of the stipulations of the union being that she would not be separated from her huge pet. What a weird? That's a wild will moment. Now that we're gone, we're going to tell you who gets ever. everything. Also, make sure that grace stays with the snake. Frank Buckland of the London Zoological Garden Association in writing of this case
Starting point is 00:43:14 states that it is the only one known, an affection between human being and a great serpent. Well, there we go. I don't know what just happened. I like it. You do like the story? I do like the story. Yeah. It's like otters holding hands.
Starting point is 00:43:30 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a feel-goater. What the fuck just happened? She said it's like otters holding hands. Is that a thing? The otters hold hands or are you watching AI video? No, that's one of those dodo facts.
Starting point is 00:43:42 That's one of those, it's like otters, when they're floating down the stream, hold hands so they don't get separated. They do. Yep. You got to be on the dodo. You got to get on dodo. Yeah, I'm not dodo. Do the dodo. Don't do it up.
Starting point is 00:43:55 We'll see. Dota sign suspicious. Look, I'll tell you one thing. You need them more than they need you. Thank you. What the fuck. Thank you. Ryan won't marry.
Starting point is 00:44:05 13.1 million. Okay, this is, this is, do you know Preston at all, or did he just reach out to you? Do you know him? I just reached out to me. Okay.
Starting point is 00:44:14 Well, then this is, this is Ryan. Sorry, this is Preston. This headline is Ryan won't marry her. Wow, he's really going on that.
Starting point is 00:44:21 He's really going to Claire with this one. He said, I found this article, and then I just kind of made up an AI woman. He's like, I called off wedding. Need to one woman show. Bring me on podcast.
Starting point is 00:44:36 Uh, It is about settled that Ensign Ryan will not marry many Parsons, the young lady who was alleged he had abducted. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? What the fuck? Now that I know where I'm not interested. Men are fascinating.
Starting point is 00:44:57 I stole her and now I want out. Now that I've been arrested, I'm calling it off. You made to your hostage, like, I think we should go our separate ways. I just don't think this is working out. I just think we're different. We've grown apart over the past year and a half in this cellar. I just didn't think there'd be this much talking. I think I'm going to let you go.
Starting point is 00:45:16 I think I'm going to let you go. I want to take other people. The lieutenant has decided to pursue this course and his friends say he will stick to his determination, even though the matter has to be taken to the courts for settlement. Hmm Miss Minnie herself is very much agitated
Starting point is 00:45:37 And wants to return to New York Tomorrow in order to resume her engagement With the Duff Opera Company on Monday What the fuck? She was literally kidnapped She was literally kidnapped She wants to go back to work Yeah
Starting point is 00:45:48 I don't know She's agitated I don't know if it's gonna work I mean she's just so hung up On that life I stole her from Every She's got one foot in the hostage situation one foot in the big city where she was established.
Starting point is 00:46:04 Every time I unlock the bedroom door, she drives to bolt. Oh, she's so crazy. Talk about mixed signals. She's chloroform. She wants to leave. Pick a lane. It is said she is inclined to drop the suit against the young naval officer, but to this, her parents, object.
Starting point is 00:46:22 They want to push the case to the bitter end. Man, this is, we need way more backstory. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Like, this is really fucking crazy. Yeah. Let me just see if there's any news. Are you looking it up?
Starting point is 00:46:36 I'm just going to look. Any follow up, please. This guy called it off. You called off your ceremony, Claire. Yeah, I did. How long ago was that? Five months ago. Five months ago.
Starting point is 00:46:51 Five months ago. That is recent. That answer did surprise me. The show, the show is a must-see. It went from a go-to-it to a must-see for me. look at these eyes these are crazy eyes you know yeah yeah yeah they are not blinking
Starting point is 00:47:07 and I'm getting sued they look AI someone my ex-fiance's mom is suing me for a lot of money for kidnapping it so so I need the ticket sales if that actually got real I was about to be like I will be
Starting point is 00:47:20 but I will be tailgating the show on June 6th 5th she she did June 6 she she did say you gotta give the ring back I was going to give the ring back no matter what But I said, I'll give the ring back when he gives me back the Christmas ornaments.
Starting point is 00:47:35 And she said, I'm calling the cops if you don't come give the ring back right now. Really? That is fucking. Did you get the ornaments back? Yeah, I did. Good. They must have been fantastic ornaments. You know what?
Starting point is 00:47:50 They're not. They're kind of grabs. It's a very interesting, very interesting chess badge. You just wanted those fucking things. I just wanted them. I wanted the stocking that said well hung. I need it. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:48:01 Now, that, you can't put a price tag on that. That is a priceless item. You literally can't. Well, $19.99. They said, yeah, you can't. They'll fall off. It was $3.49, actually. But to me, it was worth the world.
Starting point is 00:48:15 Well, I'll tell you what. You never know because you can't put a price tag on that material. They do fall off. Adhesive does not work on something like wool. What do you got, Dave? Oh, it's great. Ensign Ryan. You don't want to know what AI says?
Starting point is 00:48:27 I can't wait. NCIS, season 13 episode 8, in the episode same this is an NCIS paper. Character Stenozio and McGee investigate the kidnapping of doctors in Sudan.
Starting point is 00:48:38 A Navy surgical tech ensign I thought this was a stidizio. In this episode's context. I thought this was a stenizio. We should all ask ourselves this. They've made 45 CSIs and none of us have been on it. What is this business?
Starting point is 00:48:52 I've been on CSI. I was a dead body. Were you? This is a lot. I'm lying, guys. Oh, that would have been so good. I wanted to be. That was a good performance.
Starting point is 00:49:02 I wanted to be a dead body on one of those shows. I've told my story. It's not even worth getting into. The first job I got offered was on, honestly, was on NCIS. And I went in for this. I worked real hard on this one. And I had two callbacks for it. And then my agent was like, hey, they don't want you to play that one.
Starting point is 00:49:22 But they want to offer you the part of a guy who's pretty much just a dead body. And I was like, okay. And then she was like, you have to be comfortable being naked on a gurney. And I was like, what? And then I thought about it. And I was like, yeah, okay. And then she was like, oh, you're not, you're not sag, so they can't give it to you. And I was like, thanks for this, what a great day I've had.
Starting point is 00:49:45 Everything was bad. Did you consider that maybe they saw your naked body, they're like, yeah, actually. No. Tell him he's not. Like, no. I didn't do it. No. No, but that's good because you don't look dead enough.
Starting point is 00:49:58 That's nice. Yeah, that's better. He looks too alive. I don't like that Claire. He's got a lake behind his eyes. Yeah. He keeps blinking and asking when lunches. Which leads us back to the body, which we don't love laying on the table.
Starting point is 00:50:14 No. Why does he stay like that? I lay in like the spooning position. Stop sucking your thumb. You're dead. Yeah, it's just dripping. His table's cold. When's lunch?
Starting point is 00:50:27 I could eat. A sensational trial in Vienna Hell yeah A sensational trial was heard at the Vienna Criminal Court last week The facts of the case are not devoid of interest To psychologists In December last, a commercial traveler
Starting point is 00:50:44 named Alfred Frankenstein What are we doing? Come on What are we doing? Come on. Is this the same newspaper? What is it from? And when did Frankenstein come out?
Starting point is 00:50:57 Mary, I had to be 1800s. Mary Shelley probably wrote, I'm going to guess, right around this time. But this came out and this guy was probably like, oh, Christ. Oh, there goes my reputation. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. I've been Frankenstein for a long time. And now everyone thinks I just have some guy's brain in my body.
Starting point is 00:51:17 It was 1818. Yeah, so there you go. So Frankenstein had been out for a while. Okay, so this guy, he could have just taken a face last night. Yeah. Yeah. You drop. You change, you just go with Frank at some point.
Starting point is 00:51:30 A Franken. Franken? Yeah. Al Franken. You think Al Franken? You go with Al Frankenstein? You think Al Franken was watching Frankenstein? 100%.
Starting point is 00:51:37 Yeah, you're right. 100%. Well, it's like me. My last name was Epstein, but I just changed it to Epp. I'm no, sorry, that's the other way around. My last name was Epp. I added the steen because the guy for a while seemed like he was cooking. You love islands.
Starting point is 00:51:53 Love Islands. Yeah. By the way, that's, I'm not ironic. I don't love the show Love Island. Yeah. You don't love the show of Ireland? No, I did. They're all in love.
Starting point is 00:52:02 They're in love on that show. I watched the first couple seasons, and then I was like, I can't ever do this again. You watch it? I used to, and then I got, and then I went, wait, I got to live my life. I got a dream. Luke, a friend of ours who does a lot of stuff around our podcast, watches every season of it. Really? Yes.
Starting point is 00:52:26 It's like an episode every day. It's a full-time job watching that show. And in nine countries. Yeah. Does he watch all the countries? Yes, he watches all of them. He watches every Love Island. He got me into it.
Starting point is 00:52:40 And I was like, the first, the first, like, one, I was like, eh, this is pretty interesting. And then by the end, I was like, I don't really care anymore. And then I did it one more time. And I was like, I'll never watch this again. I'm going on Love Island now. Now that I'm single. Yes.
Starting point is 00:52:53 I actually tried to swim to it. They shot me. Yeah. I jumped off a boat and tried. to swim and they shot me with a couple of tranktards. You're not supposed to go there without vaccines. Yeah. I ain't taking it.
Starting point is 00:53:05 In December last... Yeah, I ain't getting tism. That's right. In December last, a commercial traveler named Franken, Al Frankenstein. It is Al Frankenstein. It is Al Frankenstein. It is Al Franken. Induced Julie Kerneth, a housemaid, to steal some diamonds from her mistress.
Starting point is 00:53:21 With Robbie Dracula. To steal some diamonds from her mistress. And Andy Mummyman. Replacing them by imitation. stones. Okay, so she swapped. And Sally, creature from the Black Lagoon, I'll hyphenate. Not even remotely listen to the story anymore.
Starting point is 00:53:35 Just doing names he said. A minute, he'll ask me something and I'll go, we said that, but you were doing. The funny voices in sketch. In January, Frankenstein declared to his accomplice that the theft would probably be discovered during the carnival.
Starting point is 00:53:57 Dern Carnaval found. And that therefore it would be advisable to abstract all the jewelry and feign a robbery for which purpose he would discharge a revolver into the upper part of her arm. Now, see, I like the idea that... I'm going to shoot you with the arm. May I have that very quickly? Because I do like the idea of a Frankenstein translator, where, you know, Frankenstein is just like...
Starting point is 00:54:21 Where the hell is this part of it? Oh, yeah. So where Frankenstein would be like, like, Julie, worried. and he's just like, look, what Frankenstein's trying to say is that he thinks maybe in order to make it appear that she had been wounded by the resisting burglar, she consented to be shot in the arm, but fired at her breast. Don't you think that that Waze should have a Frankenstein voice? Left, turn. Can I go right? Can I interject for a second?
Starting point is 00:54:48 Because it's Frankenstein's monster and Frankenstein is always the doctor. It's a very common misconception. He's Frankenstein's monster. I can't believe. I can't believe. You want to say it, but thank you. That doesn't work at all. No, he's a fucking disaster.
Starting point is 00:55:04 Can I say, can I say, can I say, Frankenstein? Thank you for doing that. Thank you. One of my favorite, that is one of my favorite things to say, you know, is Frankenstein's monst. Frankenstein was the doctor. Not a lot of us, not a lot of us remember. Frankenstein was the doctor. Do we remember Frank?
Starting point is 00:55:26 the monster's name, just monster. Couldn't give him anything? No, no, it's Jim. It's Jim Peterson. Biggin. So he's gonna... Probably stinky would be a good one. No way, that guy smelled good. He smelled great.
Starting point is 00:55:42 He has her switch the jewels, and then he says he's going to shoot her in the upper part of the arm. The girl consented, but when the appointed day came, Frankenstein, after having taken all the valuables upon which he could lay his hands, shot straight into the woman's breast and left her for dead in the room. Oh, that's not cool. Well, that's how it works.
Starting point is 00:56:01 That's how you do the thing. I don't like it. I don't like it. He took one last jewel, her bosom. I just see. Who's writing headlines than the 1888 now? I agree. That is how it should have been done.
Starting point is 00:56:18 That's what they should have touched. I don't know why. Yeah, I just. Look, don't shoot breasts. I mean, that's my public service. To the tiny audience I've carved out in my life, listen, don't shoot the breasts. Cup them.
Starting point is 00:56:36 You could shoot the stomach. Shoot the head. Shoot the ovaries if you got it. Pop, actually, if I always shoot the ovaries. Yeah. No, I've been drinking. I should stop. I've had a couple pops.
Starting point is 00:56:50 It's early. She was found shortly afterwards. Are you a Michigan person too? Are you a Midwestern? You said pop. I'm Wisconsin. Okay. He's a cheese guy.
Starting point is 00:57:01 She said, big cheeser too. Big cheeser. Love the cheese. Love a pop. Love a cheese. Put a little cheese in the pop. Don't worry about a thing. Claire, do you guys have cheese curds in Michigan?
Starting point is 00:57:12 Yes, I'll answer for her. Yes. Because they're cheese curd. Yeah, of course she likes. Do you like cheese curds? I love cheese curds. But my family, is from Wisconsin.
Starting point is 00:57:21 So I can't claim for all of Michigan. It's in the blood. Dave, Dave hates cheese curds. He hates on cheese. He just, eh. Why, it's cheese. You hate all cheese then, too? It's fucking wet cheese in a bag.
Starting point is 00:57:32 Get out of here. What is this, Pantera? Pantera? That's that really, went south. Panera? By the way, time for Pantera to open up Panera.
Starting point is 00:57:45 That's what you just fucking fell into, my friend. Here at Pantera bread. there's witch hair in my suit you're a pantera uh okay she was found shortly afterwards lying in a pool of blood and was considered the victim of a daring robbery a series of accidents however soon revealed the true state of affairs though the woman after a recovery tried hard to ex i can't remember exculpate the man who had
Starting point is 00:58:14 acted so treacherously towards her frankenstein has been sentenced to seven years penal servitude, the jury found him not guilty on the major count of attempted murder. What the fuck? That's like the number one charge that should be... I think... Name one thing that makes it sound like he tried to kill him. He shot her in the breast. Outside of that.
Starting point is 00:58:35 He's bad... He just says bad aim. You never... Oh, it's a crime of bad aim now? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. All right, I'm swayed. Oh, I'm sorry. Good Lord. Now you put it that way. Is it illegal to be in love?
Starting point is 00:58:48 Wait, what? Your Honor, I arrest my case. This is crazy. The unfortunate girl herself has been condemned to two and a half years hard labor as an accomplice. I mean. You got to love it. You got a what a catcher. I kind of thought it was going to be like, and the woman will be hanged for her crimes.
Starting point is 00:59:11 Because she's obviously a witch. A one-titted witch. It will be remembered that Frank. He said her in order to make it appear that she had been wounded in resisting burglars. She consented be shot in the arm, but he fired at her breast. Yeah, we already knew that. Yeah. But just keep saying breast.
Starting point is 00:59:29 I love the word. Breast. I think sex cells. I think this is our last one. Claire thoughts going into our last article? Any, um, anything I really hope. This is the top things I would want to have. I hope there's 16 breast mentions.
Starting point is 00:59:46 If that's not included, I've got a sign. I've got to sign out before it even. Man. Now I just want to see a snake with a bunch of boobs on it. Boots it. I'm not the only one. The first snake that's milking. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:00 I love a milking snake. Dave. I'm trying to grab a last one. We should isolate that. That can be helpful. Unclean worshippers of Benares. Of Panaires? Are you mispronouncing Benera?
Starting point is 01:00:14 Paneras? Benerra. Benera. Pantera Pentaa. B-E-N-A-R-E-S. Yeah, Benera. B-N-A-R-E-S? I'm sure someone will tell me it's wrong. You idiot.
Starting point is 01:00:27 But also remember, I don't care, so that's the most important thing. That goes for a lot of this stuff. I was watching a baseball game today, and they're two brothers on the team, and they pronounce her last name differently, which is the funniest. What the fuck? But I just thought that it's so funny. What a fucking hilarious thing to do to the press? That is amazing.
Starting point is 01:00:46 At three of the Gats, G-H-A-T-S. G-A-H-T-A, yeah, G-A-H-T-A, yeah, G-A-G-A-I-H-T-A. I've never, I've never heard of that. I know what that is. At three of the Gats, crematories were being made. At each of two, there was one body being burned. But at the other five pyres were burning, and two corpses were wrapped in white cloth,
Starting point is 01:01:14 one lying with the lower limbs in the water to be cremated when the pile should be ready. Hey, now I'm a little lost here. Should I miss the beginning of this? What's going on? And the bodies are wet to be burned? Yeah. Oh, this is a letter from somebody.
Starting point is 01:01:34 Oh, that's a cool letter to write. Dear paper, I've got a bunch of bodies. They're soaking wet. I got the hand. Hands in water. I'm ready to burn them. Pire style. A sewer from the city was emptying, filthy sewage into the river, not 20 feet above the spot where the body was lying. And several bathers were gulping down
Starting point is 01:02:00 great mouthfuls of the water about 10 feet below the dead body. Strange infatuation. Strange infatuation? Well, I mean, have you ever... What is it? That sounds like... Have you ever tasted water being filtered over a dead body? It's not bad. Strange infatuation is a weird.
Starting point is 01:02:20 I've been to Pantera. I've been to Pantera. I've been to a Pantera before. Dead body water before, okay. I'll take, can I have the dead body water in a bread bowl? Not far from this. Can you fucking imagine? That happened at a hotel in Hollywood where it was like, for 20 years, people have been
Starting point is 01:02:43 showering. and then they went on the roof and they, I think it was like the Roosevelt or something and they emptied, and they were like cleaning it and they were like, there's a dead guy in here. This is such a weird. That's just my shower nightmare.
Starting point is 01:02:57 I would rather shower with that dead person water and then drink it though. Couldn't agree more. Drinking it, I probably would be like, kill me. Hey, what about neither? No, you got to do one. You have to do that. I don't think you understand the game.
Starting point is 01:03:13 I'd prefer to not do... Which would you rather? I don't want to... Shower in the dead guy or drink his water. Or kiss him. Kiss him on the mouth. Oh, I'm kissing the dead guy. Yeah, there we go.
Starting point is 01:03:24 Look at this. The dead guy was a 13-year-old boy. Now you're a pedophile. Oh, I'm sorry. No. Or you got to take a bite out of his juicy torso and chew it. Yeah. That's a weird, yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:38 Not far from this and above it was a deep tank in which was an nasty compound as one could imagine. It was, say, 15 by 30 feet in dimension. Its waters had not been changed for months. Thousands of bathed in it and a great quantities of marigolds and other flowers, milk and confections are daily thrown into it as offerings until it looks as fetid as a cesspool, yet dainty women whose neck's arms and ankles were weighted down with the rarest jewels lay aside their outer garments of embroidered gauze and silk.
Starting point is 01:04:13 And have their faces. This is a very crazy story. And rounded forms in this sinking slime and believe themselves washed from impurities. Carter Harrison's letter. This has got to be about India. But what the fuck? What do you think it's like the Ganges or something? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:29 Which they say is highly polluted. Because they still cruise around with dead bodies. Yeah, I don't feel good. No, I'm supposed to feel good. Yeah. It's a bad, that's bad. Yeah, unclean. I feel like I got to take a shower.
Starting point is 01:04:45 Yeah. But yeah, but then we're back to the quandary. Then you're showering dead guy. Where is your ex-fiancee's body right now? Dave, I don't think you're allowed to ask that. I assume that she murdered him. Will that be revealed at the show on June 6th? Well, everyone's going to go take a big bath and then I go, look what was in the water the whole time.
Starting point is 01:05:04 Yeah. Did you send an invitation to your almost mother-in-law? Yeah. No, she has no life. How close to the ceremony were you? We were six months out. Stuff. What a show, though.
Starting point is 01:05:21 Yeah. I mean, what a fucking show. What about some people who say that you staged this whole wedding to get a good show out of it? What do you say to those people, your critics? Do you give them air? Yeah, I would say, no, no. I wanted a big wedding dress and a big show, you know. It wasn't just for the show.
Starting point is 01:05:39 You wanted it all. I wanted it all. Well, Claire, people can go to the Lyric Hyperion June 6th. Follow you. What's your Instagram? What a hacky question? What's the answer? It's at Creepster, Claire.
Starting point is 01:05:55 Perfection, as far as I handle goes, Claire. Well done. Thank you for joining us on the show, and everyone will see you June 6th at the Lyric Hyperion. You're all going. Everyone must. Thank you, Claire. Thank you for having me.

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