The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 181 - The Past Times with Tommy Dassalo

Episode Date: July 3, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Tommy Dassalo SOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Andrew Santino. And I'm Bobby Lee. And we made something completely insane. We took celebrities. We put them in my mom's basement. We throw trivia at them. We hit them with absurd challenges. And then, just when they think they know what's happening,

we blow to a whole ting a pot. Nobody knows the rules. We barely know the rules. It's chaos. It's comedy. It's the bad game show. New episodes drop every Wednesday. Watch on the bad friends' YouTube channel.

Or on the bad game show feed on Spotify video. Follow, subscribe, watch. Share. Play along. Have fun. Welcome to the past times. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here. Each week we go through a newspaper from a random date and history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony.

I Gerith Reynolds have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest. It's a great Tommy Dasselo. Oh, my beautiful boys, it's so good to see you. You're an angel. You're an angel. We love you. How are you? buddy. Yeah, I've been pretty good. You were asking me if I'm married yet because I have the audacity to be wearing an

engagement ring. Yeah. Your new special will be called audacalo. There's something to think about. Why are you wearing, now, did she propose to you because you're wearing an engagement ring? Is that a thing that we do? Did she get down on that? I proposed to her and the next day.

And then you put the rig on yourself. I mean, I paid for it. Why don't I get to wear it? That should be the thing. That should be the thing. Will you marry me? And when they say, yeah, you put the rig on your finger. Like, wow.

Wow. Help me up, lady. Well, I measured it on my own and it fits perfectly. And it doesn't fit. It's like Homer buying the bowling ball for much. It's like, hey, I just had to get the measurement somehow. How did you do it? Did you play, did you do anything, you're a comedian, you're in the, you're a very creative

individual. Did you come up with some big way of doing it? Um, she would have hated that. So no. She was on, she was on the toilet. What it? Oh, man. No, you didn't shit in that, did you?

Oh my God. There's a ring in there. You fool. She's in the New York Knicks. And so I was at MSG, hoping that they'd bring me up on the Jumbotron. Now I could get down on one knee in front of everyone there in front of the Hymn sisters and Timothy Shalomey. How did you do it? Do you guys get, do you have Timothy Shalame over there?

We weren't sure if he's gotten there yet. You're always had a bit of a delay. No, like the June movies have come out here and like Marty Supreme is out here tomorrow, I think. So yeah, we're like aware of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah. Well, Tommy, so you have a special and you have your special and you have your

podcast. We never heard how he asked his lady. He said it was nothing special. Okay. Yeah. What did you do? You just, what, dinner and then you proposed at home? We were camping. We were at the beach and kind of the reason I got the ring is because the next day my partner was like, it's kind of unfair that the fellas don't get an engagement ring. So we're in this little coastal surf town and we just went into the local surf shop and she got me this like $20 ring that had like a piece symbol on it. And I was wearing that for a bit, but it, but it's, but It like barely fit me and it would make my finger break out in a rash, which felt like a bit of a bad omen.

And so this is like a family heirloom of hers. You know, not an, and I'm, and I'm, I'm comfortable, I feel comfortable coming out and saying that not enough women are worried about the male experience when it comes to these sort of things. We've been through, we've been iced out pretty bad lately. And so it's just nice to sort of, a woman, a woman with empathy, now I've heard everything. Yeah, sir, re. Well, that's why I have to walk me.

The mailman's here. We're already getting letters. How was the surf, though? Yeah, I did, I did, I got up, off-bended knee, and went straight in for a dip. Caught a few waves. My first, my first break as an engaged man. Yeah, there you go. A shark attack in that moment would have been fucking extraordinary.

Tommy, where can people watch your special? It's on YouTube. It's called scam artists. And your special's a little, explain to people what the, the ruse. of your specials. It's interesting. Yeah, it's like a stand-up special that's got a bunch of animation in it. So I'm doing this show. I'm a voice in it, I believe.

You're in it. You're in it. I'm being interrupted by little cartoon characters that I'm talking with. And yeah, your bit is, I think your bit is my favorite bit, Gareth. You did a tour de force performance. Thank you. I think I just did promo for it. Isn't that right? You did.

I don't think I made the show. You did a voice for an ad for me and you pronounced my name wrong. But that's me. That's not going to get you in the final cut of me ago. What did you think? Hey, I didn't say Osolot, which I used to say. I used to call him Tommy Oscelot. That's worse.

Tommy Osloat. And then your podcast, Tommy, it's, you're learning on your podcast, which is something I do pretty poorly. What's your podcast? Where can people find your podcast? It's called How to Do Everything. You can find it on all the usual platforms. You've both been on there.

It's been going for about a year and a half or so. And there's, yeah, a bunch of great guests that people that listen to this might be familiar with. So, yeah, take a little stroll through the archive. Steve Martin. Steve Martin did your show? Yeah, yeah. Yep, he's been all. Yeah.

That's crazy. Alec Baldwin. What? Yeah, all the big. I know what he taught Tommy how to do. So, all right, Tommy, you know, listen, I know you listen to every episode of this show, and God love you. We're going to go through a newspaper. We don't know when it's from.

But we like to start off. This is a little bit of what we would call in America the warm-up swing. I guess what you guys would call their the hot bulky, something like that. Maybe I don't know. They're very strange people. Why don't you guess a year? It could be the 1700s, probably not. Could be the 1800s, very possible.

1900s, very possible. Could be 2011. Pretty unlikely. But take a stab here, Dassey. Can I call you Dassey? Yes, please. I would love that. Thank you.

Um, 1867. 1867. Love it. 1902. Oh, Tommy Wenz. It's 1897. You went over. It was really, we were just going for century, so he got the century.

It's really weird how you figured that one. August 15th, 1897. I bet it's from Sydney. Chicago. Damn it. Same thing. The Sydney, the Sunday Chronicle. All right.

Now, does that mean it's just a Sunday paper or the Sunday Chronicle was a misleading? It had to be Sundays. It's not news just about Sunday. Yeah, that'd be great. It's all the best Sunday news. We can't cover it because it did happen on a Sunday. So much Sunday happen. Jesus Christ.

Cannot fly out of jail. Oh, interesting. The Reverend H.M. Bell, the inventor of a flying machine that won't fly. Well, that's not a flying machine. It's a machine. It's a machine. But also doesn't sound like a machine is just an item. Yeah, it's the thing.

Yeah. If the point of the machine is to fly and it doesn't fly, it's a. It's parts. I guess Air Not go. He put parts together. Yeah, he put parts together. I mean, it's like, yeah, I could, you know.

You could do that. I can, I've done that. You guys want to come over to my house and see my plane I built? I was like, wow, this is pathetic. I'm not afraid, but I'm currently sitting in a room surrounded by flying machines that don't fly. Like, I'm looking at, in my immediate field of vision, I have like four of them that I can see. Tommy, I got to say, that's just a chair? Yeah.

Have you got, hey, Tommy invites you over to look at his planes. Don't go. That poor fiancé. Have you seen his finger? It's rashy as fuck. It looks bad Yeah He was placed in jail today

On affidavits Charging him with threatening the life of his wife Well you know what She keeps talking shit about the machine The flying machine Tommy is someone with a fiancé Does she support your inventions And if not

Are you attacking her? Be honest now There's no support for the inventions But I'm not I'm not attacking her No I mean that's kind of You know, it's part of the mad scientist kind of lifestyle.

You know, you need someone, you need someone taunting you providing an opposition to the failed machines. But doesn't the mad scientists occasionally just go off in a rage? Doesn't he lose it? It's a big part. Yeah. Yeah. But he doesn't know that he's due. He's due.

It's due. It's coming. Yeah. That'll come, my man. That'll come. That'll come. And also trying to dispose of her by placing her in an insane asylum. That's tough. Well, that's how you do.

Now we're talking. Now we're cooking. Well, it's also one of those things where, you know, you could do the, like the movie trope where he brings her in. And she's like, what are you talking about? He's the one trying to build flying machines that go nowhere. And he's like, she has her good days and her bad. She thinks I'm building flying machines.

Yeah, honey, I know. I'm sorry that the machine didn't fly. Put her in an extra padded room. They're chairs. I'm making chairs. No, he put wings on his back and called him. self squirrel boy. All right, Ben.

A year ago, Bell attracted a great deal of attention by inventing a flying machine. After a few tests, it was pronounced a rank failure. Oh, I love that guy. This is a rank failure. That means it didn't work at all. No, they are giving him way too much credit.

It's kind of like Musk. Like, you don't do it, but then people are like, scientists. Plus, he's a reverend, so he's You would think he's got other stuff to do It sounds like flying machine inventor is up there with like comedian You know you can do one open mic And be like yeah I'm a stand up comedian

I'm a professional comedian Yeah Just be sort of like yeah You buy a wrench and you're like I'm an inventor Yeah I've been a flying machine Have you tried it? No

Yeah I would love to be Dave's Google right now It's like, what are you looking for, sir? Well, I'm just trying to figure out what a flying machine looks like. Just keep showing me a plane. I have AI turned off when I do searches, but whenever we do this, I turn it on. And it just comes back with nonsense. Yeah, it's trying to book you flights right now.

This is the best. This is the best. It looks like you are referring to Ezekiel airship, a famous and eccentric flying machine built in East Texas by a Baptist preacher named Reverend Burrell Cannon. No, not at all. Close. Not, not. That's cool, though, that there was that religious crossover where they were just like,

have you heard about the priest building planes? It's getting better. Knock it all you want, but it's getting better. Yeah. The Holy Spirit Airlines. And this is in the machine now, so it's learning from this. You know, we're helping guys. We are helping the machine.

That is the fucking funniest thing. That right now AI is like, I'm trying to determine what there's a. Men, engagement rings, yes. Yes, yes. Men wear engagement rings. Man shed the peace symbol will give man a rash on his ring finger. Flying machines were very big at Christianity at the turn of the century. AI. Well, that's the end of the story. It was really great.

Fuck me. Coughed up a dress hook. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. It's got to be a fish, right? I think it's going to be human. He's me human, okay. Two years ago, Marion Bice, a little Ticompsa, Michigan girl, swallowed a small dress hook, which lodged in her throat and cannot be removed.

That kind of sounds like the spider that swallowed the fly rhythm. There was a young girl who swallowed a dress hook. And? I don't remember there else. That was great, though. It was a good comparison. Do you guys, just doing this show? show make you guys wish that you lived in these times? Because it's like, listen to the stuff that's

making the news. Listen to the stuff that's newsworthy as opposed to now. It's a very good question because there was a time when absolutely not. Like, we've been doing the show long enough that the answer used to be no. And now? And now the answer 100% is yes. I would much rather be like, oh, this story about a girl swallowing a dress hook is from another city. That's how prominent this news is, that this girl two years ago swallowed a dress hook. So, yeah, as if you live in America now, I mean, you pine for the days where you were just sort of like, you understand why people are Democrats because you're like, look, it's just a slower burn. This everyday shit right now is endless. I would much rather, I mean, again, you have like, you know, there's tremendous abuse and there's no rights for, uh,

anyone who's not really a white guy, and like people just getting drunk as shit and puking everywhere. And I mean, pooping, good Lord. I mean, what an absolute nightmare pooping was. Yeah, well, like where you'd poop, you know? I mean, just nothing. So there's those things, but I still would take it. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's what I pictured. A little dress look. Yeah. Yeah, she swallowed a little dressing. You can't see it, but there it is. I'm on the other side of the world. I can't say it. Yeah, I mean, it just looks like, it just really just looks like a classic hook.

a clasp. Clap. Yeah, I guess so. It's very claspy. I don't know why she ate that, but... I don't know why she ate that, but good for her. Who went to the press with this story? That's what I want to know.

Who felt like they had to get the journalists involved? The deep throat of that, you meet him in a parking lot. What do you got? There was a young girl. Yeah, go on. A couple years ago? Go on him, yes. She swallowed a dress hook.

Oh, my God. She just covered. Slow down. I'm hookthroat. She bleeding. It's a real like, it's a real Don Draper type going to the dress hook manufacturer and being like this can be huge for us. I've got big, this is big tie. It's going to take off.

Here we go. It was badly rusted and bits of flesh clung to it. That's after they got it out. Yeah. She coughed it up. Yeah, it's not good. But man, you know, sometimes I think of those. the relief she eventually felt.

Oh, yeah. I mean, for two years, she was like, it's right here. Yeah, it must have been a nightmare. Every time you ate, like it would... It was like forming around your skin. People are like, why can't you eat soup? She was like, it burns here.

You don't ever get throat burning from soup? And people are like, Sheila, stop. You're crazy. And then she coughed up a rusty hook. And everyone was like, oh my God. That feels so much better. Flesh had apparently grown around it during its stay in the little one's throat.

That's hot. I wonder why it came out, though. Yeah, that's, I don't know. I mean, it's in there pretty good, a flesh all around it. Yeah, it's settling in. I would have. Stuff like that, I do think, you know,

it's like when you get a sliver out and you're like, oh. Yeah. Oh, I love that stuff. Yeah. That stuff makes me happy. Or you shoot a load. Well, that's a totally weird way to take it,

to be honest with you. Oh, it's stuck in there. Get it out. That would be the greatest thing to say during, like, the first hand job. There's some stuff in there that's stuck. Please get it out. I'm out of here. Wait, no, no.

Flesh was starting to form over it. Thank God. Now, let's get the reporter in here and get this in the newspaper. This is great. When someone's filled glue, what's the story? This story is out of Oklahoma At their old tricks Hmm

A religious sect near Cushing So this is not good Already No Southeast of here Claims to cast out devils Well that's good That is good

No casting out devils is good Hell yeah They never did that in Australia No No they didn't Hung on to them No they sent the devils down here That's how this country started

That's right And now you guys are still doing better. It's pretty bad for us. Boy, we had a hell of a run though, huh? We did. What a run we had. Remember the 80s? That was crazy. You guys would have eaten our ass in the 80s. Wow, I wouldn't know if I'd say that. That's an expression. It's a turn of phrase. I don't know if we should. They were so jealous they'd have eaten our asses. Oh, so eating ass is good. You want your ass. So if you say like, go ahead. We almost have the clip. You said you had your ass. You had your ass. Ass eating.

That means you had, you were the one that kicked ass. Like, you were the one on top. Because I would think, yeah, yeah, yeah. You would have eaten. It's like, it's like, I ate your lunch, except the opposite. It's ass. You ate my ass. Don't you remember that bit in Crocodile Dundee where he's like,

I'm so jealous of you, I could eat your ass, you, yank. Yeah, that's a great part. Yeah. In Crocodile Dundee. Absolutely, yeah, that's a big one. Yeah, that's a great. I actually don't. I remember that's not a knife.

This is a knife. That I don't remember, but I do remember that part that Tommy's talking about. What's he talking about with the knife stuff? Are you sure that's that movie? Yeah, there's a guy comes up to him in New York to Robo and he has a knife. That doesn't ring a bell, but that ass part is, that was the preview. The ass part was the preview. I don't think that was the preview.

Oh, I would love to eat air ass. A merri. Lighty Liberty. Get more mouth on that hole. You know, you can get a, you can get a, you can get a, you can get a, get a fried ass at Outback Steakhouse. This week, next to the blooming onion, a fried hole. Only when America's done something really good,

and we're all really jealous of it, though. Yeah. That's when they bring it in. It's been a while. When does that happen? Yeah, it's been a while. Yeah, they've been saving a lot of money on them recently. A lot of freezer space taken up by those asses.

One woman says she has been relieved of, of nine pestiferous imps. I've been relieved of nine pestiferous imps. Aren't imps good? Yes. I thought imps were like cute little things that you liked,

like fairy-ish. I would, I don't remember. I think imp is not terrible, but I don't believe it's fairy good. Yeah, I thought I thought imp was like,

kind of goblin adjacent. Really? Yeah, it's a demon. We got a demon. Oh, it's a demon. Imps or demons. Oh, I'm looking at it right here. You don't want this.

And pestiferous is something that it's annoying, harmful, or carries disease. Yeah, you don't want one of these. Although, I'll be honest, these things look okay. So nine of them. All right. Let's count them out. Sleepy, grumpy,

yeah. Doc. Conti. Get eye. Gat eye. Jealous. Reverend Mr. Fry, the leader is... I'm not willing to drop the mister.

Yeah, you do one or the other, right? No, I will not. I'd like to have both. Mr. Fry. No, Reverend Mr. Fry. Reverend Fry. Reverend Mr. Fry. And did I mention I'm a doctor?

You're a real asshole. And a junior with a Ph.D. Don't say Esquire. The third. Oh, fuck me. I don't mind that in the pronoun section of the email signature, Reverend slash Mr. Reverend Mr. Doctor.

They. They. They him. Wait, what? I'm a they him. Slash reverend doctor. I'm a they him, reverend. Esquire.

Esquire. The third. The third. In parentheses, imp. What the hell? Reverend Mr. Frye. I haven't heard back for the interview. Is everything all right?

We seemed pretty on track. We were scared of you. Then I sent the email with my resume over. I haven't heard back. Yes, that's correct. Oh, interesting. You shan't. Interesting.

We were never looking for an imp. Well, many other things. Such as? Well, it's on the email. Reverend Mr. Fry, the leader of the sect, is healing all sorts of ailments, but all this good work is likely to lead to trouble. More than 300 hogs died in and around Clayton, and not a few persons believe the east out devils of this revival

have entered the swine. In retrospect, the biggest mistake was relieving the people of the imps near the hog farm. I did not realize they were going to rock it right into the hogs. Excuse me, you son of a bitch, but did you put your devils in my pigs? Yes, yes, yes. I took them out of ladies, and I accidentally put them in your pigs. How dare you? I understand.

Hold on now. These are lady devils that are my pets? Well, yeah, okay, sure. That's a whole different angle. Well, Ted's having sex with the pigs because he thinks lady demons live inside of them. This bacon tastes like imp. What the fuck's going on here?

Rival wives clash. Tommy, this is, you're going to want to listen to this one. Yeah, you're going to want to, this is your future. This could be big for you. Interesting features are hourly developing in connection with the late. Whoa, the whole shit, the whole thing just flipped on me here. Hold on. Okay, we're back to it.

So retracting the bit where you said this will be me? Interesting features. Do you think it's because he's Australian, it flipped upside down? I think so, yeah. Oh, that's sick. That's all. That's sick, shit. I flushed my toilet before you guys would have fucking lost your mind.

Oh, my God. Oh, man, why? Because it was full. Because there was shit in there? Yeah, because you... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. You've seen our reflecting pool.

That's basically what it is. A non-flesh toilet. I don't think... Are you guys getting the reflecting pool story? Yeah. How bad are you... How much of a soap opera is America? Are you getting the reflecting pool story?

reflecting pool i've personally not seen anything about yet um the ufc match has kind of uh that's kind of clogged up my feed for the last 48 hours and i and i bet everyone's thinks it's pretty cool right well you guys see it and you're like oh i didn't realize that the circus could be where the president was that must have been a pretty once again showing y'all what's up eat our ass you know you guys are all eating our ass you guys are just eating our ass you guys are just eating up our asses over there. All fucking country. Yeah.

Yeah, Trump's. We are loving it. It's just like Macron at the G7 with Trump. You are are eating our ass right now. Hey, we are indeed. We are trumping away, Mr. President. I didn't know that people used chowing down when it came to eating ass. We are chowing down.

We are chowing down. Yeah, it's a new phrase. They're eating your ass so much. You really are. Gareth Adelip is brought to you by Squarespace. All in one website, platforms that's going to help you stand out and succeed online. They do everything. We've been working with Squarespace for a long time.

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Top layer quince, babe. You've got to be honest. It didn't sound like a joke. It could be good. Scott legs. My wife loves quince when the first quince package came. She's like, that's my brand. And I love Dave's wife.

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Interesting features are hourly developing in connection with the latest bigamy case in Inglewood. and the neighborhood of Bishop Street is deriving more for gossip from the affairs of the man who is supposed to have married two wives than from those of the man who is charged with becoming the husband of seven. Wait, what? I think there's someone getting more gossip

out of the story of the guy who married two women instead of the guy who married seven. Wow. Okay. After Frederick Lutkin, who was arrested Friday on a complaint of a woman who claims to have married him had been released on a $1,000

bond by Justice Schult and his case continued until August 21st, he returned to his home at 6449 Bishop Street where he had been living for several months with a woman who was said to have been wife number two. Jailfare had agreed with him but poorly and a sumptuous feast awaited him

in celebration of his release. So the food wasn't great. But he, this is the two, married guy? Okay. So the seven married guy was like, leave me alone. And the two married guy went to jail, got out, and now he's having a big lunch. He didn't like the food in jail. Right. Well, I think that's part of it, isn't it? Yeah, that's...

A whole thing? Yeah. While a couple were doing justice to the repast, there came a knock at the back door. By the way, justice to the repass. You're talking about fucking... Hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. There came a knock at the back door. And does that also mean... That's disgusting. Get your mind out of the door. It's wrong with you. you focus.

It's a paper. We just got that down here and we're loving it. Oh, you guys. Don't go too crazy. Okay? Save some for the other places. In America, we save the back door for the honeymoon. Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. Yeah, well, think about it. That's why it's called the honeymoon. That's correct. Upon opening. You're just your whole day of being married. So tired, but we should probably do it. Yeah, we're going to go back door.

Yeah. Upon opening it, Lutkin was confronted by a short stout man, Hollister P. Goodrich, constable. Hello. Constable. Of course. Hello. He was armed with a writ, which had been sworn out before Justice Pryndville by wife, number one.

The writ called for a large part of the goods and chattels on the premises. I'd like your chattels. I'd like the goods, please. The chattels. When he learned the mission of his visitor, looked at attempted to forcibly eject him, but the sight of a large revolver deterred him,

and he stood wrathfully by and contented himself with heaping imprecations on the limb of the law and the woman who instigated the invasion. I don't, I mean, you lost me about a mile back. He's... He's... The constable had a gun and he's just talking shit. Right, okay.

Because the guy has two wives. Right, but he's talking shit to the constable. Right. Yeah, right. For taking all the stuff. Right. The goods and the, you know. Sure.

A wagon had been, a wagon in the meantime had been backed in front of the house and several expressmen were admitted by the constable to carry out the goods mentioned in the writ. This is a lot of shit. They're loading up a wagon. Right. It seems Ms. Lutkin number two had a considerable accumulation of personal effects mingled in with those of Lutkin's first wife and against the removal of these she vigorously protested. It's repo, basically. We got a repo wagon.

Yeah, they're taking all the shit. And now the other lady's like, no, my stuff's in there too. Oh, they're taking the first wife stuff. And she's like, those are mine. And she's like, I got stuff in there. That's my Faberger egg. Right. I'm just assuming.

Of course. Okay, and then he's up there, like, eating. Tommy, you know you have to buy your new bride of fabricia egg, correct? Yeah, I'm just thinking about how this is a sharp turn from. Two stories ago it was like, Girl Swallows Button, and now all of a sudden we've got like an entire, an entire seat. Like, I was getting used, I was sort of settling into the rhythm of like, there's maybe one detail per story that I have to focus on.

And all of a sudden, I'm reading like a trilogy of books. Grasshopper gone. And now they're like, And the two wives... Yeah, now it's really getting deep in the detail. But they always do that with these papers. There was no sense of organization. They heightened as they go through it.

They're like, get them in with the amuse-bush. Then we do the two-wife repo. After several articles of clothing had suffered by reason of disputes between the constable and the woman, the former driven to a state of despair sent post-haste for wife number one to come Oh my God. And assist him in securing the goods. That must be hilarious to tell your second wife. Don't worry, I invited the first wife.

What? Did I fuck up? I don't, I'm trying to figure this out too. I got out of jail. They're putting everything in a wagon. All I'm eating is demon ham. I can't make heads or tails of this thing. Then there was a lively war.

Thanks for overhauled, and the content strewn about the floor while the two women sorted out would belong to them. In many cases, the same article was claimed. alike by both, and a try-on was necessary to satisfy the constable. Oh, that's the ownership of the guy. Well, I think we'll have to have a try-on. Okay, now put those panties on.

Can I see some identification? And what is this, lingerie? We're going to have to have a look at that. Who do you work for again? All right, now swap panties. Let's just make sure that they're going home with the right woman. I like at the start of this, the tone of it was sort of confused. used by the fact that the neighbors were finding more gossip in this story than the person

with seven wives. Yeah. They kind of couldn't believe that. And then they just spell out the most insane story of it ever. Yeah. No, then it's a Neil Simon play. And they're like, what was so interesting? That guy's got seven, though.

They're just hanging out. Yeah, they are. They're hanging out. These two are fighting over dresses. Points in law were raised, which would have baffled the brain of the pervert Philadelphia lawyer. One of the most naughty was ownership of a crazy quilt.

This is where you get to the comedy part. Crazy quilt. That does sound like a Tennessee William play. Crazy quilt. Much work had evidently been expanded in its manufacture, and both women seemed particularly attached to the gaudy article. When the constable had succeeded in wrestling the quilt

from the struggling women, he backed into a corner and from behind a barricade of tables and chairs heard arguments from both contestants. Well, let's hear it. Would you ladies like to play a judge and jury? Oh, you know, the best way to end that is for him to be like, I find you not quilty. You get it.

And I find me super comfy. There we are. It developed in this impromptu hearing that the patches from which the quilt had been made have been carefully selected, cut and embroidered by wife number one before a departure from Germany in 1896. The labor of sewing them together and making them into a quilt had been formed by Ms. Lutkin number two who discovered the bright bits in a trunk of the house.

So they both kind of have ownership. Yeah, this is, I think what we need to do is shared custody. Well, you could do the King Solomon. That would be the move. What's King Solomon? That's where the judge would just go. Well, you both seem to have great ownership. I think we should cut the quilt in half.

And you each get half. And then one of them goes, no, no, no. I would hate to see a quilt of that caliber destroyed. Give it to her. And she's like, great, I'll take it. And then he goes, not so fast. The one who would not take half so that the quilt remained whole is the true owner of the quilt, for they love it the most. And then that lady gets the quilt.

You fucking asked. I'm sorry I did. I'm a Reverend Mr. You got to be honest. I'm sorry. We've got a King Solomon head here. Yeah. He's always with the King Solomon story. He works for everything.

And you guys want a King Solomon this sandwich? What about a child? Yeah, that's the original one. The original one's a baby. It is. That's amazing that one person was like, yeah, that works. One person out of the two was like, yeah, cut it and half. Fuck it.

It developed at this. I want the legs. Oh, you're doing down the middle? Oh, that's interesting. You're going to do like a bag gap. Okay. The constable who was by this time almost on the verge of a mental collapse

decided in favor of the woman who had cut the patches. I think it's the one who sowed it. I agree. I think one gets it. Yeah. But I guess he's saying well, she owned the material. Do you have like daytime court shows over there, Tommy? Does that happen over there? Do you have like daytime judge shows?

We have a lot of those here. Are you familiar with this? We get your ones, but I don't believe that we have our own I don't think we have any court cases that are interesting enough to make it to TV. We really need to like be careful with what we're letting other countries see that we're watching. We can't let them be having all of our court shows. These people are out of their minds. You are basically a like 24-7 reality show for us right now.

No, I know. We watch your news and it's like the real world where like, ah, look at them. They're in a little bubble and they're just like, oh, it's like they've kind of put them all up against each. and they all go crazy. It's awesome. I mean, we are a ratings winner on a show you don't want to be on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's where we're at. Andy Cohen does like a wrap up of just like the day in America, just for us every night.

Yeah. We're like a big brother house. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're like Hade Island. Several. They should do that. Hate Island. It's beautiful.

Several places. You have to hurt someone before elimination. You're going to break his arm or what? Yeah, absolutely. All right, I'm going to open hand slap Jeff. I already stabbed Jeff. I'm afraid Trevor, you're here too late. Several plants were also found blooming in pots,

which number one claimed to have bought, although the flowers had been reared by number two. That's the first ladies. Here, the constable was compelled to destroy the property of one disputant in order to restore that of the other. The plants were consigned to the alleys. He just threw them away. He just threw him out.

Nobody gets them, you fucking, you're driving me crazy. Give them to her. No, trash. Next. When it was found that practically all of the household effects belonged to the first, Miss Lutkin, in her own right, she was given possession of the premises, and Lutkin and the other woman were allowed to depart

to the house of a friend with their purpose. personal effect. Man, he got booted out of the house. You do not call. Why did you get that first wife over there? Now she's like, oh, cool, I have the house. He really fucked up. Yeah, that was a fucking mistake.

Remember that, Tommy. You're going to be done to do that. Remember that. This is going to come in your way. Yeah. It'll come in handy, I think. Don't say I like that. Only one more wife to go and then I've,

and then I'm basically, I'll be living this story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get another ring on that finger of yours. Let's say you got it over the line with your partner to have like a second girlfriend or wife. Do you think you'd then be

brazen enough to be using the terms wife one and wife two. And it seems a little bananas and pajamas to go with how you would do it over there. Dave, you're closer to me. Wife one, wife, two. You'd do wife one, wife two.

I'd probably go with the names. I might just say one, two. Yeah, yeah. I hate the term fiancé. I hate the term fiancé. So I've been referring to my partner as my final girlfriend.

That's pretty good. She doesn't, she doesn't like it as much as I do. I'll be honest. Almost wife could be fun. Yeah. Final girlfriend is pretty good. What about pre-wife?

Pre-wife. You can still get pregnant from pre-wife. Pre-wife is horrifying. Well, that's about pre-wife. Honey, please. We're not French. You're a pre-wife. Okay.

Okay. So they threw the... when it was found that practically all of the House of the Effects, oh yeah, I already did that. The pair took down from the wall a framed marriage license recording their marriage in December of last year. In one corner of the document was a photograph of the couple in their wedding, Raymond.

Margaret Ludkin, the so-called first wife, claims also to be in possession of a similar parchment issued eight years ago in Milwaukee and bearing the name Frederick Lutkin. This is why you don't do two wives. It's just so awkward. Or don't have this thing on the wall. Yeah.

I mean, come on. But the idea that you have to like, you and your second wife have to evacuate the house now. No, this is actually how it should go. Like someone should come over and be like, nah, throw the plants outside. You get the quilt. Now, fuck it, you're out of here.

Wait, what? Yeah, you're not a judge. Gone. You smell like gin. She stays. Yeah. She gets the house. Take your marriage thing off the wall.

Put the plants in the trash. I'm out of here. Meanwhile, seven wife guy. the street is just watching all of this. Just having a Game of Thrones Orgy, just eating grapes. Like, what a fool.

That's why you don't, that's why you don't do even numbers with wives. That's right. You have to have an odd. The bigamy charge against Lutkin was continued before Justice Schultz yesterday to next Saturday the defendant giving bonds in the sum of a thousand. Mrs. Lutkin, number one,

left the courtroom with blood in her eye. What? I mean, that happens. She Bidened, as we call it. Explain what that means, because that probably didn't get over there. Oh, yeah. When Biden and Trump had their debate.

The one where everyone was like, Joe Biden. Oh, no, it wasn't? Yeah, I know. It was before that. It was the first Biden, the first election, Biden Trump, Biden, a blood vessel broke in Biden's eyes. So, after the debate, he just all of a sudden starts, gets this big red blood he looked like he was about to sprout wings and become a flying machine.

But it's just there. They're like, don't worry about it. And everyone was like, sir, it looks like you're weeping blood. So you're hemorrhaging. Let's go. I'm going full Satan. It's a stutter. She walked directly over to the house in Bishop Street and wanted to go right in and

oust by force, the woman who was living there, as Miss Lutkin. So she, so she, so number two and the guy go over to a friend's house. And then number one, after they left court. court goes over to the house and is like, get the fuck out of that house. Oh, I thought you were saying that number two was looking over at number one like that lady needs to get out. Or maybe this is the, maybe this is. God, can you, I'm not, not to make. Oh, no, no, this is, this is, this is the original house.

Not to make the man the sympathetic figure in this, but can you imagine the level of stress of being the guy in this situation with wife to it in new house? You are going over that. I don't want to talk to her anymore. I'm exhausted. You are getting your shit together and go. Can we just live in this apartment? It's not that bad. This is exactly why you don't get married to two people at once.

Yeah, I don't know. This is the reason. Yeah. Still not sold. This is the only reason. Still not sold. It's the best way to say you want a divorce. I think there should be a second wife.

I'm still quite struck by how detail rich this story is. Yeah, I know, right? It's very good. I agree. This is like when they do like a live blog when a, you know, when a new war breaks out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just as like, minute by minute. You're like, where did this start? I miss it the beginning. Yeah. Because she goes to the Bishop Street House and wanted to go right in and ask the woman, by force, the woman was living there as Ms. Lutkin. My money helped me build that place, she exclaimed, and I'm going to have possession. But friends interfered suggesting that the law would vindicate her claim. So that's when she went and got the constable.

Okay. That's the whole story. That's a good ride. I'm not going to lie. That is a, that is by far the best article and fairly... It was a journey, for sure. Yeah, it was... Sorry, guys, there's no room for Garfield in the paper today. The guy with two wives did something, so he had to bump the comic strips out.

No! This is the one where he kills Odie. They're waiting for this one. That's the funniest thing. This is the one where John has two wives. Oh, my God, a comic writer's block. Come on. Scott.

It's this fucking cat going to do. Come on. Come on. I'm under deadline. I still have two blocks to fill. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I still can't get over the fact that Aaron Sarkin says every time he gets writer's block, he takes a shower. And sometimes he showers eight times a day.

Is that true? Yeah. It's the most, and he changes his clothes. It's the most pompous shit you've ever seen. It's so crazy. I did it on our Patreon. And when I found it, I was like, Dave's going to shit his pants. I did.

That's amazing. But also there's a part of me that goes, you know, I've had a lot. You know, we've all had writers block. There's part of me that goes, hey, maybe it works. Maybe I should start trying it. I'll tell you what, maybe the show, like the shout, he didn't have me with any of it. But the second that he was like, he changes his clothes, I was like, too rich. There's just these things.

You're like, buddy. Different outfit. Yeah. Yeah. You are in a bubble. you're in a stratosphere that you shouldn't let people know you exist in. This is like, this is guillotine shit. When it comes for the Rich Nuremberg trials,

you don't want that video presented as evidence. How big in these closet is? Yeah, it's just crazy because he's got to live in it. What's also great is if he's having eight a day, like some of those writing, some of those writing attempts in between, he's barely given himself any time to get any, you know what I mean? He's sitting down for like eight minutes and going up,

writer's block strikes again. Back in I go. I'm writing a script with Aaron Sorkin. It's gone. It's been tough. Sometimes we're not jealous. Like when he's dead needs another shower break. I think I'm going to go take one more shower.

Aaron, no, we don't, come on. Let's fight through it. Aaron, it's been six minutes since the last one. Hold on. I'm just, I'm going to lay out this outfit. I'll be back in 10 minutes. I need one more. Yeah.

Could you get my body to put out of him? The agent having to fight to get the water bill covered in the contract. We're going to need a lot of money. He can't do a trailer on set. He needs to have a brick and mortar. And he just needs to be able to shower often. I mean, think of how good the West Wing is. Curfew every night.

Premature lovemaking. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. This is for Tommy. Tommy, I haven't even read this, but this one goes out to you, my guy. Premature lovemaking is to be discouraged

in the village of Sun Prairie, 10 miles north of Madison. You know, I'm actually starting to reanalyze the term premature lovemaking. And I'm not loving it. It's not feeling good. Yeah. I'm not loving it in retrospect. We jumped on board early, but yeah, I'm not loving, I shouldn't have put my fucking pen on

that line that fast. Madison, Wisconsin, though, these are your people. I don't love it. Premature lovemaking is, uh, that's what I call it. Yeah. I mean, that's when I really get my business done. It's just got that air of Louis C.K. Yeah

By a curfew ordinance passed by the village board A week ago No person that's 16 years of age May may go upon the streets After 8 o'clock Between August 1st and May 1st Unless attended by grown company

Well, that doesn't help What does that have to do? I don't even love the grown company part Doesn't make me feel any better Don't worry, this child's with me Oh, as you were What does it have to do with premature lovemaking? I think you know

they're trying to get the kids to stop fucking I think Garrett do you want to like undedicate this one to me at this point or you're still still on that No we're still in Your whole vibe man See how it shakes out okay I think it's shaking out the

Daselow direction big time my friend I think this is about like finger banging and and Boom feeling Tommy can't finger bang he's got that rash By the way I used to think finger bang was making the fake gun. I finger banged. No, you didn't.

Yeah, I scared the shit out of it with a finger bang. I walked into the liquor store, got 50 bucks using the old finger bang. What did you think finger blast was? Huh, finger blast? Yeah, what did you think that was? That's when you take your digit to the moon. You got a big idea.

You got your Rika arm. The village, from May 1st, October 1st, an extra hour will be given to them. The village marshal will told the village bell at these hours to give warning. This feels like something from the 1400s. And arrest all who violate the ordinance.

I got to get home. The bell. Stop finger banging. No fucking. No fucking. Take your digits out. You think the bell does a lot of the work, Ted. This is intended primarily to discourage young people of opposite sexes from two

frequent associations. By the way, it's so funny that they couldn't even fathom gay. It was like Joe Paterno. When Joe Paterno, I didn't even know a guy could be with another guy. Oh, my gosh, it's the craziest interview ever. It's the craziest interview ever. But he was basically like, I'm going to plead ignorance on being gay. Like he's like, I didn't know a guy could be with a guy.

Jesus Christ. Like this is what they're saying back then, though. They're like, we don't want these sexes mixing. men will be with men and boys with boys and girls with girls like there is a loophole you're not thinking of sir I had two neighbors when that story broke who were Penn State fans

they'd gone there and it was like talking it was like talking to Catholics about the Pope they just fucking lost no they're just a coach of a football team no he's our god when they rip that statue down oh yeah your God's helping the diddlers

Oh, God. But, yeah. I mean, he seemed like such a weird old man. I know you don't know who we're talking about Tommy, but he was a coach of the Penn State football team, and he had an assistant coach who was like a horrendous pedophile. Petalphi. Yeah, Joe Paterno had apparently walked in on some shenanigans

that he should have reported, and you never did. And then when they were finally interviewing this hero to the fans, he was just saying, he's like, I didn't even know that a guy could be with a guy. And the reporter was like, what do you mean? And he was like, I don't know how you could do that stuff. Like, how do you do that? Why are you doing? You got the thing you got, it don't fit nowhere.

It's two of these coming together. I'm like hot dogs. You can't do that. Hot dogs going to burn. You can't put a hot dog inside of another hot dog. How'd the interview go, Joe? Pretty good. And you know when he thought of that as a defense?

He was like, I've done it. I've created the world. He probably floated it to his wife. He was like, I don't know what I said. I didn't even know if that'll work, honey. No, that's back. I didn't know a guy could be able to guy. No, it's like hot talks coming together.

That's crazy. You can't put a bike inside of a car. Honey. You can't put a car, a car. That doesn't make no sense. You can't do that. The sun, the moon, the different places. Jay.

I mean, I got to look this guy up because I'll be honest. The voice is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Yeah, buddy. Tommy, do me a favor. And right now, Google Joe Paterno, because I think you're going to be happy with what you see. When I tell you that this guy is, excited he was going to be like, I got my defense.

I didn't realize gayed but invented. Yeah, that's a great-looking fella. Right? Talk about the fucking Sunday funnies. That's one of the best. That guy there. They don't make them like that anymore. No, they don't.

Thank God. They don't. Thank God. So in this story, you're thinking that that bell's ringing and there's like two gay guys having sex and they're like, oh, the heterosexual bells going off. That's not for us.

Yeah, I mean, well, it's just they're, the idea that they're like, we've stamped out teenage sex. Are you thinking that there's like two dudes fucking under the bridge and they're banging away and then they hear the bell? They're like, that's the hetero bell. Well, I think it's like, they're like,

oh, we got to go home. That'll stop us. It will. No, won't. You're at home and you're back at your house. With another guy because you're like, allow, the loophole is, it's just like, yeah, all right, I'm going to go to Tods. Well, thank God there'll be no fucking, because there'll be no girls there.

I think at, I think it, the bell ring, they're all supposed to go to their houses, not with somebody. Okay, all right. I'm going to go back to my 16 wives and fight over a quilt. I mean, yeah, as God intended. Yeah. Or Mordecai or whatever. 16. So the village is a popular rendezvous for the younger element of the neighborhood.

The measure is causing much discussion in the press of the country, of the county, and is strongly denounced as un-American and ineffective as being prompted by a few ultra-religious and religious and religionists in town. Yeah, it always is. Always. It's always the fucking idiots. Just like right now they're doing the get-all-kids off social media. and you're like, yeah, that's just going to make adults put in their IDs. Oh, yeah.

For social media, kids are going to get around all that shit. Oh, yeah. Like, they're kids. It's over. Yeah. No, you can't. You can't. It's too late.

Yeah. But, man, I'll tell you what. Making out back then must have been a real fucking treat. When you first, like, made out, you were probably like, holy shit. Oh. What are you talking about? Like, when you were, you know, it was so much harder to be physical with someone at that time. I think they were banging back now.

all the time. You didn't need to. You probably like a girl probably held your hand and you blew a load in your shorts. What? Tommy, is that what happened back then? Think about it. You're probably, uh, think about it. You think that doesn't happen to anyone now?

I think less because of the levels of stimulation that we are able to go through now, that it happens less and less. But I mean, when I was, you guys, we're too old. You're forgetting what it was like as, 15 years old, they could have, they could have shot things to space with what was going on in my testicles. It was, it was all day every day. I felt like I'd been like imprisoned in my mind. All day every day. I was like, boy, fucking would be fun. What would it be like to see tits?

I think being horny at 15 transcends time. I don't think it matters what's, what's in the outside of the moment. I could have been in the X-Men at 15 that have been like, what's your power? I'd be like, I will not calm down. If you tell me I can see tits, I will run through a wall for this squad. Like Cyclops, when he takes his mask off and there's just the beam coming out. Exactly, yeah, yeah, exactly. I take my pants down, there's spraying white stuff everywhere. Jesus Christ!

Loads, no! They call me loads. Yeah. We've got Cyclops. We've got Wolverine and loads. Don't make me take them off. I'm going to make everything look like Everest. So what is it?

Who's the one that shoots that throws the playing cards? Gambit? I don't know. This is where you know. You lost me. Odd job? I don't know. The cards guy.

Well, it's that, but they're all like nudie. They're all like pornographic, nudie playing cards. I'm going to have to ask you Gambit to stop showing those cards. We've got a mission to focus on. Does Lodes have just a cod piece that he pulls off? Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah, there's just like a loads, do what you do.

All right, boys, back away. Make a run for it. Show me a tit. Loads. No, loads. There's more where that came from in two minutes. All right, let's do one last one. Cigarettes found pure.

Hell yeah. Dr. F. W. Riley, assistant commissioner of health, yesterday received from the city chemist a report on the analysis of samples of cigarettes collected several months ago. Right. Four samples of the different brands of cigarettes were analyzed.

No opium. Well, that's good. Belladonna. Great. Or Jimson weed was discovered in the samples. I have no idea. That's got to be bad if it's following opium.

Beladonna. This is what I've never heard of. The stripper. Oh, that would be great. Unknown as deadly nightshade is a highly toxic perennial plant. Oh. It's extremely poisonous to humans and animals due to potent alkaloids medical use. I actually might know what Belladonna is.

It's got a long history in herbal and conventional medicine. It is used to treat intestinal spasms, peptic ulcers, and asthma. Oh. It dilates pupils. Oh, no, no, mind. Sounds fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

Why wouldn't you want it in cigarettes? It stops asthma. That's helpful. I'm good. Imagine I smoke because of asthma. I left my puffer at home. Has anyone got a cigarette? Anyone have a cigarette?

I have terrible asthma. The paper wrappers of the cigarettes were found to be pure and free from arsenic or lead. This is the first series of people. test made of cigarettes since the cigarette ordinance went into effect, and the results are highly gratifying to the health department officials. Boy, does this get worse. It also is making me think of like, they used the test, like they use the test things. This country now at this point is like, put it through chlorine. It'll be fine. Yeah. Let him eat chlorine. Does a rich guy not want you to test it? Yeah. Oh, that's fine.

We don't need to test it. We'll just run that through a little chlorine. Put that in the grocery store. that's it fuck me well there we go Daselo my baby our baby thoughts Tommy

reflecting on a paper like a pool in Washington DC have you learned anything highlight the double wives do you feel about it yeah highlight the double wives that was very informative I really enjoyed that

now you're going to walk out and you're going to see your last girlfriend, and she's going to say, how is the pod? What are you going to say? I'm going to say that I'm going to do that thing where, you know, when you've just watched a documentary and you're like really insufferable for a week, like you're just relaying all the information from the documentary

as if like you sort of discovered it through hard research. I'm just going to, I mean, I've got a pretty short memory, so I've probably got like three hours in me of being able to relay facts about like, yeah, bigamy and cigarettes. Now, uh, the character loads from the X-Men. Is that going to come up, you think? Or is that kind of, is that kind of, is that? I'm going to present that as if it's news, yeah.

You know, they had a guy named Lodes back in 1902. This kid was, he was a character in the newspaper back in the 1800s. He was a real white cannon. And are you calling her your pre-bride now? Pre-bride, yeah, I'll try that on this evening. And I'll let you know how it goes. Please. And if I get kicked out, can I stay with you guys?

Yeah. Of course. America's a great place. Yeah. Get over here. Yeah. Get over here real quick. If I get kicked out of my house tonight, I'll just hop on a 20-hour flight and come stay with you guys.

That'll be perfect. It'll be worth it. That's good. And then you'll spend six to eight weeks in a concentration camp before you get released. Well, that's where you'll get the focus to be an American. Yeah. I think it'll be good for me. Bit of character building.

Bit of perspective. Tommy, people can find your special and your podcast. on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts. What is your Instagram? Give it to everyone so they can go follow you. It's at Dasalo, D-A-S-S-A-L-O. Okay. And Tommy, listen to Tommy's first podcast that he's doing now.

And thank you, Tommy. Thank you for joining us. Thank you, we love you, guys. Thanks for having me. I love you guys too, and I also miss you. Love you a lot, buddy. Love you so much. Really love you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hold on. That's good. All right. I love you, man. I love you a lot. I think it cut out there for a bit. I think it cut out.

I can't really hear. I love you. I love you a lot. I love Tommy. He did enough. I need Tommy because he's love. You did enough. For me, he's love.

Turn it off. Love you. Hey, go turn it off. Jesus Christ.