The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 183 - The Past Times with Luke Simmons

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and weirdo Luke SimmonsSOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Give ItUpfilm.com is where you can go to see my movie, Give It Up, that will be on tour in August across the country. Give ItUpfilm.com. We're coming to select theaters for one screening. The director and I will be doing a Q&A after. So July 28th, you can go to North Hollywood, California at Regal Cinema. August 10th, you can go to San Diego and see the movie. August 13th is Denver. August 20th is Chicago. August 23rd is New York City. 24th is Philly. August 25th is Raleigh. August 26th, Atlanta, August 27th, Nashville. We might add a couple more, but this might be your only chance to see it on the big screen. So go to give itupfilm.com. The director and I will be doing a Q&A after. It's a whole event. There'll be posters. Everybody's going to win a bunch of money. It's going to be awesome. So if you want to see my movie, give it up, which really is great, go to give it upfilm.com. I will be at all of the these screenings. Welcome to the past times. It's a podcast.

Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here. Each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history, picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it. And neither has this week's guest, the lunatic, the Luke Nittick, Luke Simmons. Just, there we go. Hi, Luke.

How are you? What are those beeps? You're going to record. on your laptop. Lukie wires would be his name if he was in the mob. Instead of the camera. So this is

this is this is Luke is running the tech as well as he's the guest. This is normal Luke stuff. Yeah. All right.

There we go. And then the celebration when it's all fine, super tight wires everywhere. If you listen to the Beau Gritz episodes and you're wondering why the sound is off,

Luke came in and made some adjustments. Actually, Luke was on the phone with you trying to work you guys through it and said very specifically, do me a favor. Just test it first. But there was no time. Well, because we'd spend an hour resetting it, I know. And all that time wasted with Neri a test. Why were we resetting it?

Again, I don't know. I reset it again all this morning. It's the reason that there's an audio engineer usually in a studio, like Aaron's in the AKC studio. So this is our studio? So this is. No, but it's certainly not mine. We go through a newspaper from a random date in history. Luke, what do you want to talk about?

What are you promoting? What do you have going on? Who is your best friend? And you eventually will probably be dealing with treasure maps and hunting treasure and stuff like that. When do you think that comes to fruition fully with you? I think we all will be hunting treasure in a way soon, which will be. But you specifically, you'll, what are the odds in your, life you eat your own foot and like grill it and eat it or over a fire that you've made with

above average something you have in your wallet i'd say above average but i'd also say this is a conversation i've had a lot of times when somebody presses me on my vegetarianism is that you know i'm i think i'd be comfortable if push came to shove eating the person and i don't eat any meat yet because i don't have to but the second i do you'll be eating human i need another person okay It's coming for all of us. I don't know. I blanked out after I said. It's certainly not mine.

Who do you think would be the ghostiest of the three of us? I don't know. You? I don't think so. You're fleshyer. Me? Why? You eat very clean.

A lot of like lean vegetables, grass-fed, essentially. Yeah. Yeah. The stuff I ate on the drive back from the East Coast this week was nightmarish even by my stuff. Yeah, he got a sandwich at a gas station. Oh. Oh. Brito isn't a bad, as long as it's a bean burrito,

that I don't think that's that bad. Well, let's, but let's just talk about what happened to your body on the drive. Were you shutting down? Were you, like, bowels-wise? Classic, regular diarrhea? No, no, no, regular diarrhea. Diary? Standard regular poop.

Okay. All right. But for you. Like a cartoon. But for you is a standard poop diarrhea. No, it's not. It's one continuous, there's no breakage. It's just, now I want to stop it.

I started it. All right, Dave. The coily boys, I call it. Oh, my God. No. All right, Luke, so you are the guest. You also, if people like you, you're on our Patreon a lot. You'll, we are, I actually have received some new snacks for Luke.

We're in the midst of a lot of Q&A Patreon stuff with you. But you get to guess what year this paper will be from. This is actually very interesting because I could see Dave wanting us to both lose this. Sure. So I could see this. I could see me having the potential to win this one. I don't know. It's hard to know.

I mean, I would think for consistency he would want you to win. But I also, these are two people he knows. So it could be. We both lost the one in the golf course van. Oh, did we? Oh, I don't remember that. I'm going to guess 1933. Oh, interesting.

He's wrong. Well, hold on. Tell you why. Tell you why. You're wrong? No, that's why I guessed it. Oh. Because I was looking at what year was the Reichstag fire.

Isn't it crazy that big balls is our Reichstag fire? I don't think he is. Do you think he is? I don't think he is. It'll be a lot worse than that. Yeah. Yeah. And I honestly don't think they even need a big guy.

They don't even need that anymore. They kind of self. They did it, but they didn't eat it. Yeah. They've, like, been doing, I mean, they've been doing a slow one for, it's been a slow burn forever, the victimization. Yeah. I will guess, I like that. I do like that guess.

I'll guess, uh, 1906. Gareth wins. It's 1892. Oh. You, you, fuck you. I love you. You were much closer. Wow.

What? Yeah. What? That's that's the, that's this week's rules like, all set up. Is it always closest without going? No, there's different. Well, you went over too.

I did go over. There's different variables. Yeah, there's not really a consistent set of rules, but. Dave, what do you have guessed if you were going to guess? I would have guessed, like 1917. Okay. So Garrett takes it. Yeah.

But then Gareth probably would have lost. It's the Pierre Weekly free press. Pierre, South Dakota August 4th. South Dakota does not deserve having a Pierre in it. 92. By the way, I went to France when it had a Pierre inside of me. I think that's their

capital, is it not? No. South Dakota's? No. I think it's Pierre. I think Pierre is how you say Garrett's father's name in French. It's a different answer to a question. Sure. Let's look it up. South Dakota, capital Pierre.

Bada boom. What? Legend. What's Bismarck? Is that the Merth Dakota? I don't know. I think that's just something you're hearing cartoons. Okay.

Abdul Hassan, an Arabian horologist who lived in the... Now let's none of us do it. Because no. In the 13th... Howorologist? Is that better? Better. Yeah.

Who lived in the 13th century was the first man to introduce the equal hour theory. Go ahead and tell us what the equal hour theory is, Luke. That all hours should be equal, but they're not. Even though work hours feel much longer than... It feels like it's been an hour since he started talking. What's your guess for what the equal hour theory? Would be that people should work on a clear that people should work at night

further away so what's yours guess before before they started doing this like at the beginning they divided time into two categories night time and daytime that's kind of what I meant

and then then they took the daytime hours and divided them but because the daytime hours are longer and shorter depending where you are then someone's like well what if we do equal hours Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah.

Okay. So then they came up with equal hours for all the time. So then it's just kind of like. Makes your sundial useless. Yeah, divided it equal times. Right. Yeah. Okay.

I don't hate it, by the way. I don't hate it either. I thought that was an interesting fact to learn. Makes more sense than daylight savings. Do you believe we voted against that in California to get rid of it? And they're like, like, five years ago. And they're like, nah. That's the thing is like, there are things.

There's just like Trump has a lot of stupid things that you're like, yeah, you know what, probably. Yeah. Like just do, give him those wins so that he stops going ambitious. That wasn't even him. No, it's happened for ages. But it's the same with get rid of the penny. The reason we have it is like for farmers. Farmers.

It all started from farmers. Because like it's from before car time. Like we don't need it. Before car time. Precars. I don't do BCAD. I do BCT. I'm trying to think if I would like.

if the hours were shorter in the winter. He was quite distant in his thoughts for a minute while we talked, and it was all because he was like... I was trying to work out the math on it, and you'd have to stay later in the summer at work and school, but you're out of school and you're out of work. I think they would find a way to make those hours be irrelevant as far as the work goes. The only people I've heard who I think have a legitimate gripe

are the guys who surf early in the morning, because it would make it darker earlier in the morning so they wouldn't be able to surf before work. Look, Dave, I know you're... I know you're out in there. Riding the POW, but if those... Yeah, the liquid pow. But if those are the...

That's when you do a bump of cocaine and surf. No, that was just... I'm trying... Bro. No, you're not bro. Amarolai and... I know you guys are out there a lot. I know you guys are out there a lot

and you're... Torque in the board. But I think if those are our biggest, if it's a surfing problem, I think it's okay. You're hanging dong. Why haven't heard anybody else who has a legitimate gripe against changing the time?

What about orphan children? Why would they have? Well, you're just discounting them as usual. Go ahead, keep going. Only one person has been the voice of tiny orphan girls on this show, and I guess it'll just continue to be my role. It's a creepy thing that you're doing.

No, that's not because I don't know. To a two enterprising collector. There used to be a book collector in this city who was the terror of all who knew him. That's awesome. That's pretty common for book collectors. Sure. That's the plot of the show, you on Netflix. It's a book collector.

He murders ladies. Go on. Oh, I bet you love that, don't you? Is that it? Okay. There's like so many shows. By the way, Luke has seen every show. And some men.

He's very, it's pen bachelly, so he's very charming the whole time. Go ahead. Go ahead. He was well-to-do and a very learned man. He was a great buyer of books and owned a fine library. Still you. But the plot of you. Nobody else's library was safe if it contained a book he coveted.

For a long time, his victims did not suspect him. He would call, spend an act. spend an hour or two among their books and go away. Finally, one bibliomaniac, bibliomaniac, who had suffered most severely... I'm actually a bibliophile. Had his suspicious pages are all stuck together. Don't mind me.

I'm a bibliomaniac. Where are your books? Where are your books? I love the smell of the paper. Security guard, just like, we've got a bibliomaniac. Right over here in periodicals right now. Excuse me. Why are you all gathered around me?

Sir, go ahead and unroll the magazine for us. I will, when you all close your eyes simultaneously. Smoke bomb! So he went to his lawyer. His lawyer's like, bro, all right, look. I can't keep doing this. The lawyer had him make out a list of the volumes that were lost. They were all of extreme rarity and of great value.

Armed with this list, the lawyer called on the suspected man and introduced himself as a collector from the West. He had heard of the gentleman as a bibliophile of authority and wished to consult him about some books, which had been offered him before he concluded upon their purchase. It is bibliophile over bibliomaniac. Now it's bibliophile. Earlier was bibliomaniac. Yeah, no. I think bibliomaniac is not an actual term.

No, they're just... Right, right. And yet, it should be an actual term. Absolutely. It should be like a Reefer Madness movie. For instance, Joe Rogan is probably a bibliomaniac. He's a bibliophobe. That's crazy.

Can someone else look that up? Yeah. That's late. What were the books? The host asked, and he ran off the titles of several of the stolen volumes. Nonsense, he said. Nobody can sell you them. I own the only copies in the country.

the next day the lawyer wrote a letter which resulted in the restoration of the spoil to its rightful owner how many rare books belonging to other collectors remain in the collection for it has never been sold for obvious reasons no one can say

a little lost in the sauce is where it ended up with the books but he's the criminal this guy's the guy going to our guys he's going into the library finds books that are rare he steals them and then sells and then tries to sell

my questions are more practical of like what's he tucking him in his waistband Just walking out with a couple. That was honestly. Well, think of how easy it is to fucking steal from a library. I mean, it's like... It's really easy to steal a book.

The whole thing was they were just like, yeah, it's cool. It's, again, it's honor system. So if you wanted to steal from the library. Stealing a book is no different than stealing a steak. What? It's flat. It's thin. You slip it down the front.

Who's stealing steaks? Don't worry about it. Dave's a stakeophile. I'm a stacophob, actually. Yeah. I'm a riby file. stealing them all from the public library. That would be great to be arrested for stealing books and like, sir, he also has a lot of stakes in his pants.

Well, I think you've figured out my theme. Smoke bomb. Do you think anybody... Smok bomb? Do you think anybody's been shot yet for stealing books? Just a bottle of his piss? From a library. What?

You think anyone's been shot yet from stealing books from a library? Like, they bring them back too late and they're like, I'm not paying and the library and just shoots them. That's got to happen. I think... I did old West. It did once or twice. I bet it's more now going into a library. What's your shot?

Yeah. That's more likely. I hope so. It's coming. This is kind of an A to C question. How long until Amazon has a dedicated police force? Oh, very quickly. Oh, God.

If not already. It's just the same logo, but it's flipped. They have frown. I've always been creeped out by the Amazon logo. Even before they became the most evil, I was like, that smiles fucking not cool. You want to hear a great Amazon fact? Sure. They've recently started air conditioning some of their warehouses because of the road.

because of the robots, they are not doing the performance that are manned by humans. Back in the day, they used to just have... Well, the robots can't survive the heat. Back in a day, they used to just have ambulances outside

for when the people passed out. No, the robot treatment. I feel like it's going to get... No one else is upset about this, and I don't know that I'm... I think it's a waste of time for me to be upset. Hold on. Let me just brace yourselves. If you're standing up

or you're holding a plate of food, just get that stuff sit down put the thing down have you heard the new fun like slur for robots that everyone's using no clankers oh right there's some people who like using it too much in a way that's like I feel like at some point they're going to force me to be like well give them a they're just doing their jet like it's they're going to it feels like yet another way to be like you don't want these clankers taking your jab are you are you are you I'm saying you don't want the clinkers still. You don't. You don't. But I'm saying we're still at a point where they could just stop making it. But they are going to make them and they are going to become sentient. And if

Johnny Five or Chappie is any indication, I'm going to feel emotionally invested in them at some point. That's what I'm concerned about. How are you already pro-sensient robot? Because I grew up on Johnny Five, which also Fisher-Stefins, not Indian. Jesus Christ, stop. You're doing a Luke. Now we're talking about Fisher-Stevens' brown face. Let's all come back to Earth. You say it's an A to C. It's an A through the alphabet. Okay. How men carry their hands.

A sure indication of a character is found in the way in which a man carries his hands, said C.G. Clark of Boston. You notice men on the streets, seeing the young man with swinging arms and palms, which are displayed to all who take the trouble to look. It would be great to put this guy into the world we're in now, he'd be like, sweet mother of God. What the fuck? Like his main grab, he's like,

some gentlemen, let me tell you what to do with your hands. He's like, is that guy eating poop for some money to get some food? Bring back the swinging arms. Good God, bring back the swinging arms. Sweet God. One time I got told in an old job. He almost asked if he could do this and that was like, you know what I'm going to do it because they'll say no.

He just. I got told at an old job that I was making, I made a commercial for this TV show. And the exact note I got back from the network kids was you made the show seem kind of low class and trashy. It is. I was like, I made the show about, and I quote from the subtitle of the show, the midget wrestling league where they staple money to their balls and drink urine look trashy.

Is this the man show? Is it available on mine? It was called Halfbite Brawlers. Okay. Let's all take a minute and now we'll be able to get back into the podcast. How many? How many. Go ahead, Dave.

Dave, I'm going to, as your lawyer, I'm going to recommend. you don't do what you're about to do. How many years ago was that? Had to be over 10. Probably over 10, under 20. Yeah, that was when all the really, there was like an on rush of really horrifying reality shows. Well, bumfights came out,

and then everyone was like, oh, so we're like done with everything? I one time got into a conversation with a French journalist who was whatever. The reason I was talking to her is not important, but it came up that I at the time worked at Spike TV and somebody brought up, oh, that's my phone, sorry. The mancers. Hold on. I've never seen that.

What, everything ring? No, just someone hit the button through their pants. Usually people reach into their... It's still ringing. Usually people reach into their... It's his watch now. Into their pocket to silence it, but you just do it. Okay, we're back. And we're back.

The show, Mansers came up. You were talking about a Parisian journalist. Yeah, this French journalist was writing an article on my friend who's like a very fancy jazz guitarist. And he was like, my brother works on a show at the same place Luke works. It called Mansors. He was describing what it was and how one of the, we played a preview for it. And I was like, how big does a boob have to be to crush a beer can? And the French journalist was like, but this is just America, no?

and I got weirdly defensive and was like, yeah, but you know what? I bet that beer crane gets crushed because we get things done. Well, nothing makes me feel more patriotic than the French questioning what we're up to. I'm like, all right. You know what? You got a lot of vacation time. I do think, I do think the one thing that will turn you patriotic is the French giving you guff. It's like, yeah.

When the French are like, well, because everything you eat is trash, you'd be like, actually. When was the last time you were? at Taco Bell. The CrunchRap is a pretty well-constructed piece of food. You guys just eat buttery bread all day. Must be nice. Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump. I was just going to say that when those shows started coming out,

we should have known we were doing it. There are many indicators. Like, when Adam Curtis makes the documentary on whatever we're going through, we'll be like, genuinely like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there, there, there, there, there, Whoops. Okay, so back to the guy with the swinging arms and palms out. He is one of that class whose heart is open as his hands. He is frank, unsuspicious, a free spender and a believer in the honesty of his fellows.

Notice the businessman more advanced in years. His hands are always closed so tightly that he gives you the impression he is ever expecting an attack. this is the attitude of men bent upon a certain object. It is an attitude which displays the qualities of determination and fight. You know, this is what's such a luxury about this time or leading up to the time of just ubiquitous footage is that you could just say this and someone would just be like, I guess I never noticed that. It's not true. Businessmen don't walk around with their fist clenched all the time. No, it's interesting.

If anything, they're the calmest people right now because they, that's just like... I guess I just never noticed, but now that you bring it up... I'm not around the business community a lot. Yeah, now that I, now that I think of businessmen, I do notice that they walk around with tight clenched fists. You know, now that you mention it, they do always seem like they have punch hands. You think the fists are clenched, you should see the butts. Todd, we're going to have to ask you to step away for a minute. Step out of the room, please.

Okay, so anyway, so... Working hands are loose. Todd. They flap, he walks around with him completely relaxed. Todd. All right, the door's shut.

So I think that'll be a good part of the... I don't know. He must have a key. Do you have a key to the door? There's a little window at the bottom. Oh, well, that was for the cat. Well,

oh, Christ. I'm a curious cat myself. And I'm trying to check out your butts. Sir? Yes. Please leave. Okay. I'm just going to start kicking

through the cat door until I start mashing his face in debate you will observe some of our lawmakers emphasized a statement by hammering the desk before them with their knuckles while others psychos hit tables while others equally impassioned are satisfied with the use of the palm you may rest assured that if sheer determination will succeed the man who applies his knuckles will win before his colleague who uses his palm yeah i mean Well, anyone who's palm hitting a table is weird. Knuckles over palm, this guy's opinion.

Is this the same guy? Yeah. He's got a lot of hand opinions. Well, that's what the whole angle is. The article is about. He's a hand guy. He's a guy who notices what goes on with hands. He can't just, they didn't bring it a separate guy to be like, I'm the table doctor.

So he basically is saying that the softer of the hand, the less successful you are. Yeah, right. The tighter and ready to punch and smash. that's the successful man. Well, I don't think Bob Dole, to be fair, I'm going to jump in quickly. I don't believe that Bob Dole was not clenching his fist by choice. He was. I do love the guy who worked for Bob Dole.

I was like, gentlemen, what if we put a pen in that hand? Now we have someone who's constantly trying to sign agreements that are important. If I was there, I'd be like, we should put a sword in that hand. You really think a sword is all right? idea. Today there would be a sword or a gun. Just holding a gun all the time. A tiny derringer. We're close.

Republican presidential nominee, Bob Dole, clenching is always gunned. How far away do you think we are from a guy just always walking around in Congress? So close. Dude, it is official that we are having a UFC fight on the White House lawn on July 4th next year. I mean, it is full.

unrecognizably over now it is it is that that's kind of it you ever think about the fact that the most inaccurate part of idiocracy is that the president is black that's the only thing that it's no no yeah that's fucking tough i mean i don't think any of us can wait for the the first the first woman president will be a republican oh uh without a doubt because i mean yeah because of obvious reasons How many undercard fights at the July 4th event do you think that will be of the DC homeless? Oh, to the death? Versus like robot dogs? But when do you think that they, someone just floats out there?

Maybe we should have fights to the death. Like for a house. I don't. I really, I mean, we did this with the Christy Nome border game show. I really, I mean, we are, we are like six months in. I mean, it is. it's unprocessable what's coming. We can't see it anymore.

You still got to pay the electric bill. Like all the other regular stuff is just like. Right. We're still got to pay for stuff. We're still in Zoom meetings and they're like, and there's a five minute chunk at the beginning of the regular Zoom meeting. There's going to be a UFC fight on the Rose Garden this next summer on July 4th. But yeah, no, you still got to buy insurance and stuff.

In about a year from now, you'll walk out of your house to go to work and a guy will run by on fire and it won't even phase you. You just get your car and drive. I saw another fire guy today. Another one. Yeah, no. That's what I mean with the Adam Curtis. Like you just will be like, oh, yeah, like, I remember one time in Studio City, I was walking with a fucking yoga class and I just saw a guy with no shirt and no shoes

running down the street. Yeah. Like he was being chased. And I was like, oh, my God. And I watched everybody else just kind of be like, doop-to-do. And I was like, all right, I guess there's, okay. Well, when I, when I lived in, uh, on hate. Street, you know, there was, it was like a stabbing epidemic at that point. It was so bad that

we were at a bar and the Southern hate and some cops walked in. It went, nobody walk east. There's a lot of stabbings. So we're like, okay? So I walked out of my, I stayed at my buddy's house on South. South Hayton. I walked out of his house in the morning. It's just a guy who had been stabbed laying on the sidewalk. And I'm like, and people are like walking by. And I'm like, hey, that guy's been stabbed. Anyway, notions of about sleep. Speaking of a guy sleeping on the sidewalk, Dave,

that guy wasn't sleeping. Well, was he? No, he was dead. He was stabbed to sleep. He was maybe, he was stabbed to sleep. Stabbing makes you very sleepy. So funny to walk up and be like,

well, someone's got a case of the sleepies. Hey, my friend. I'll tell you, you must be allergic to sleep. You're bleeding out. He doesn't know that snort. Oh, that's a death rattle. I'm sorry.

Yeah. One of the rudest acts in the eyes of a native of the Philippine Islands is to step over a person asleep on the floor. Put him in jail. Sleeping is with them a very solemn matter. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking sleeping.

Yeah. Stepping over someone while they sleep. I've had to do that at like slumber parties. Here's the thing about sleeping. Let them sleep. Yeah. That's it. Let them sleep.

Yes. I have built my life around my entire goal in life has been to use my alarm cock as Alarm clock as least as possible, but that's a different thing. As least as possible. Not have to use the alarm as much as possible and then that is a successful life. No, I've seen you retort to people on Twitter when people are like saying something.

Yeah, no, I've set my life up so I don't have to get up at that time. So I am sometimes up at 3 a.m. fucking going crazy. I have people like, why are you up so late? What are you doing? And I'm just like, yeah, no, my life doesn't have a schedule. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever heard of the equal? hours theory. That's kind of what I'm working with, you fools.

Sleeping is with them a very solemn matter. They are strongly averse to waking anyone. Yes, the idea being that during sleep, the soul is absent from the body and may not have time to return if slumber is suddenly broken. I do not disagree with. You know what? You know what's very strange about sleep is how we just, we, like, we're sitting here doing all this like, this is the jobs report, all this.

And then every night for between six to eight hours, we all do, our souls do leave our bodies and go somewhere else. And then we just wake up and we're like, I'll probably do eggs and got to go to my little office job where you should probably be like, sorry, you went to space again last night? We're just going to space riding little dragons and what's going on with us? Nobody ever stops to be like, I think there might be some more happening with our brains than we're letting on. And if you don't, it's like one of the quickest way to just die.

if you're just actively not ever sleeping. Yeah, right, yeah, right. Which happened that guy in front of Dave's. That's right. If you call upon a native and are told he is asleep, you may as well depart. To get a servant to rouse you, you must give him the strictest of orders.

It's taken a bit of a turn now. Then at the time appointed, he will stand by your side and call, Signor, signor, repeatedly. This is really getting dark now. This is the Philippines? Signor? It's not great.

It's because the Spanish colonized it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, fair. The original language is called like tag log or something. I think you're making stuff up now, but yes. I don't know how to say it, but there was that, and then the Spanish colonized it, and then we came in and liberated it. Yes, that's what we did. You guys hate freedom?

It had nothing to do with, what was it? It was some crop that we wanted. They were growing cheaply, and we wanted. Doesn't sound like. It doesn't sound like us. It's always very strange how there's something that would be a good resource for us in our liberation zones. Each time more loudly than before until you are half awake, then he will return to the low note and again raise his voice gradually until you are fully conscious. So it's like those alarms where they get like the light gets brighter but with your servant.

Which is cool. I like that. Your servants like, I want your name, snooze? Snooze, could you come over here for a minute? I have a job for you. Signor. Señor.

Señor. Senor. Senor. Señor. Senor. Senor. Senor. Morning, my friend, senor.

I'm not going to hire you. I've heard better. If you want to snooze, you just slap him across the face. In five, you fool. So the basic idea of this is that they live a better life. And we decided that work is the thing that's important. They're like, no, sleep. Well, I mean, but you're missing the servant, POV.

There is the servant who's like, hey, would also love to be a part of this journey. Who wakes up? How does the servant wake up? And terror. But who wakes up the servant? The servant has to figure that out on their own. Yeah, because we're talking about pre-alarm clocks. Yeah.

So the servant has to be welcomed. Probably like has to sleep with their head out the window. Does he have a senior guy? Are they, are they different? No, no, you get a senior monkey who comes in. I said quiet at first. There was a song that my grandfather used to sing when I would stay at their house. Leave Luke, get out.

We're not your real parents. And at the time, I was like, yeah, that's the wake-up song. And then in later life, I was like, I just, the words came back to me. I was like, huh. And it was, oh, how I hate to get up in the morning. Oh, how I hate to get out of bed. Normal. One day I'm going to murder the bucler.

One day they're going to find him dead. And then I'll go and kill the pup, the one that wakes the bucler up and spend the rest of my life in bed. that's a good song it's a great song it's also if you're a grandpa you know what I mean probably want to like it's a great song I'd just be in bed like yeah kill that kill that trumpet player in his dog

that sounds like a marching song for well it sounds like something in the yeah it was that you were in some kind of force where they were like get out of bed and then who wakes the bugler up a puppy and the buger's like with the guys yeah no wait we should still tweak that middle part I love the song

shut the fuck up Eugler, you don't get to weigh in. Gareth Adelip is brought to you by Squarespace. Ah. All in one. Website, platforms that's going to help you stand out and succeed online. They do everything. We've been working with Squarespace for a long time.

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and when you're ready to launch, use offer code, dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com slash dollop for a free trial. And when you're rated a launch, you use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And we're brought to you by Airbnb. Okay, Montreal is a city I've always wanted to properly explore. If I were to go this summer, I'd want to do it right. I'm talking about wandering the plateau,

grabbing a wood-fired bagel from Fairmont Bagel at 9 a.m., catching the jazz festival where some of the best musicians in the world are just playing outside. for free in the middle of the city. Maybe sitting in Mount Royal Park with absolutely nothing on my schedule. That's my kind of trip. And here's where my brain goes. If I'm daydreaming about wandering around in Montreal, that means my place back home is just sitting empty. And that's the thing that actually clicked for me. While I'm away, I could be listing my space on Airbnb. Someone else gets a real home and a real neighborhood, close to hiking trails, a great farmer's market, the kind of charming little Main Street where everything closes by 9 p.m.

Somehow that's exactly the appeal. And I come back with a little extra cash towards the trip. The math works out pretty well for everyone. It's genuinely one of those moves that just makes sense. Whether it's a long weekend or a couple of weeks, your home doesn't have to sit there doing nothing. Listing on Airbnb while you're away is always a great way to make your homework for you and fund the next adventure.

Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. How a convict made his escape. News reaches here of the escape of a convict from a gang working a few miles south of here on the Santa Fe last Wednesday. So it's just a guy, it's slave labor. That's actually over. This story's by slave labor.

Come on now, buddy. You like having a well, don't you? Well, yeah, all right. And it didn't bill itself. All right, Bill. Okay, well, I'm just saying you could pay someone. Well, if he wanted to get paid, he shouldn't have committed such a big crime. The convicts were strung out along an embankment.

All right, I'm not loving the terms. I'll be honest. Strung out. Here you are, slaves. along an embankment shoveling dirt one of them when none of the guards were looking lay down in a hollow made by the spades the gang near him

threw dirt over him until he was completely covered That's fucking awesome Great when the camp was reached And the roll call The escape was discovered He has not been captured But wait he definitely got buried in dirt They did the roll call and then they were like

He's gone let's look for him And then like two hours later He just got up out of the dirt grave I think they just put it together after the facts. Yeah, so I mean. Yeah. It must have been when they got back to camp that they, yeah, no, when camp was reached. So.

Oh, okay, right, right. So he just stayed in the dirt. And then they went back to where they were digging and there was a man-shaped cartoon hole out of the dirt. The other guys must have gotten in trouble because they, yeah, they for sure. But that's awesome. But I guess that's worth it. You're like, fuck it.

By the way, if you're pitching that is your idea, people are like, and then me? Well, we probably shouldn't do everyone on the first day. That is a great, like, when they're covering you in dirt, you're like, This is fucking awesome. Awesome. Then tomorrow I'm a feet. And they leave. You're like, yes.

Woo. Yes. I don't want to have to escape a jail, but it is, I think, fairly conceivable that at some point in our lifetimes, Luke, we will be. Luke, you'll be good to make tools, and then you will die on the journey out.

You know this. I'm going to say this right now, and I'm going to put it on the record. No prison can hold me. See, that I like this attitude. I'm going to be on the record right now. It very effectively will hold me. And I'll betray the trust of my friends in order to get better food and bed.

Luke's bearing Dave and Dirt. Excuse me. Excuse me, Dave laid down and Luke Dirted him. Shut up. No, I'm sorry, guys. I was going to go next. I love you guys, but I really want to get a better bed and have some really good food. I jerk the warden off.

Did you guys know I jerking the warden off? suspected. Yeah. I've been jacking the warden off. Then I get a waffle a week. How is it? This penis is weird. I meant the waffle.

Oh. It's pretty good, but again, I just this guy gets him jacked off a lot. And he makes me put my left hand over the top of my right because he says it feels like he's hitting a lady's bone. Don't you think that we should like the Scandinavians have little pancakes in packages that you just eat all the time instead of just for breakfast? Like you carry them around and you have like little snack pancakes. Well, do you remember trying to eat breakfast when we were touring Europe?

You were just like crazy. It was like they'd be like, we couldn't give you an egg on top of a raspberry tart. Yeah, they didn't even know when you were like, they'd be like, can I just get six raspberry tarts without the tarts just the egg part? maybe like, I don't think, hold on, let me talk to, I don't think we're allowed to do those. You can jack off the chef and see if he'll do it. All right. But we like, I think that. Pastry weight is a real thing.

If I recall correctly, we like had farmers or whatever lobby to change what breakfast is so that people ate what we now eat. So that's normal to us, but it was actually because of a business lobby. Doesn't surprise me one bit. But it's also when you're in those countries eating like that, you are warm. walking. Yeah. So it's like you lose it, you know. We've also done that here occasionally.

Like every once in a while at McDonald's will be like on a flapjack McMuffin? And people are like, that is the same thing. It's definitely the same thing. But when in Scandinavia, you were like, can I have breakfast? You're like a cod sandwich? Yeah. No, not a lot. Iceland where everything they were trying to push was either herring or puffin.

Everywhere you went, they would just be like, do you want to puffin roll? You're like, I'm not trying to eat those old things. That's cool with you. Advertisement writing is becoming a regular branch of literature in the United States. Oh, there we go. That's a stretch of literature. Let's explode this moment. This is absolutely not literature.

Okay. Some of the first class writers command salaries of 10,000 a year, and now young men are regularly training for the work and going to college in preparation. Well, I mean, there you go. that's where it all kind of falls apart and start. That's a good trace moment. That's one where you just go, oh, yeah, that's, that's it. It is, let's see how, let's see how.

10,000 in today. Yeah, it's just, it can't be that much. Oh, no, it's 353,000. That's good, but again, that's, that's very good, but again, I ain't going to get you through the next 20 years. That's a lot, actually. It is, yeah. I would do that in a second.

$350,000 a year for that job? Yeah. But yeah, but I guess it makes sense that before this, there was no need for an advertisement writer. You just put like, I have bricks. And people are like, hey, he has bricks. It's the brick guy. Hey, my name is Al and I actually work for an agency that can punch up your brick stuff. Don't punch the bricks. But it's fine because people just need bricks and I have bricks.

Well, what about this? Now you have the best bricks this side of the Mississippi. And a jingle. What's the jingle? Hey, guys, you remember Rick. He's the guy with that great brick. What was your name again? Sorry.

I just... His bricks, I feel like I'm a hip-up lightning bolt. Yeah, of course you do. Does it matter that his bricks are absolute dog shit? Doesn't at all. It actually helps us. You need it more than anyone. Yeah.

So we'll do that. And then we're going to have this woman here. She's going to wear some scantily, she's going to be scantily clouted. She's going to stand behind me while we sing it. Hey there, this guy's Rick. Come on. He's got the best brick. And then she's got her kind of boobs in her hand a little bit.

Oh, just the tip. Sheila, I swear to fucking God. I swear to fucking God. The tip of the brick. I swear to fucking God. Okay. Can I have sex with her? her.

I have ideas too. Sheila. May I have sex with her? No, but that's the whole thing. We think if you get a brick from you, you're going to be able to do it. Hey, guys, this is Rick. He's got the world's best brick. Lee, stay away from Sheila.

Nothing with your dick. I can maybe make a brick with a... No. Like a type of vagina in it. We're going to run the ad part. I have a lab. A chocolate lab or a yellow lab? Sheila, I swear to God.

I love dogs. Sheila. Oh, do you? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I have both. These two are going to bag. You have a lot of brick places. Oh, I do.

This guy is really struggling. Can't get anyone to buy these ads yet. He just seems mean to you. Well, would you like to come over to the Brick Empire? There's a place for a princess. Hey, guys. this is me now no

you don't like that you get along this isn't a jingle but come on okay okay I'm over the bricks get in the truck I'll take your other thumb

October 21st is to be Columbus Day and the president has made the day a legal holiday by proclamation and invited. I think you're reading from the New York Times today. And invited the people of the United States to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the landing of Columbus. Let us prepare to rejoice that Columbus was lucky enough to discover us. Discover us. I mean, Jesus Christ, it was already a bit of a thin blot. Who is president in 1892?

do that's like a Garfieldy I think it was a McKinney McKinney McKinney Whisker

it's a whisker Corridor Whisker It's Grover Cleveland It was a Grover Yeah

Why I'm just curious Which one May Glover It feels like a Calvin Coolidge thing Oh no That was the

That was the 1892 Presidential Election Oh okay So Benjamin Harrison Oh no

he defeated Benjamin Harrison. Yes, sucking Harrison. Harrison did not make it. Did he die? He was a tub guy. He was the guy who died in his... They always said died in his tub, right? No.

That was Taft. No, Taft didn't die in his tub. Taft just should have died in his tub. He crushed Benjamin Harris. Oh, this is a nice fit. There's something on to me. I'm the current city president. I'm the current city president.

That's right. I'm currently sitting on the president. You got it. You got it exactly. Blue right. No, yeah, okay, Harrison won. Harrison was president in 88 and then Cleveland defeated him. Didn't Harrison die in the tub? I mean, so much beautiful history. William. William Henry Harrison died in office. Maybe he died in a tub. He was the one who took the bath and then insisted on walking the inauguration route and got pneumonia, even because it was cold out and then died like two weeks after the inauguration. That really is our only hope with Trump that it's going to be something like that. It's going to be positive. posturing masculinity that'll just be like,

shoot me in the neck and I'll show you. I want to take a punch during the fights on the July 4th. I actually was thinking, I'll flex my abs. He will like come out for one fake body slam or something during it. It just snaps his neck. Or they're going to like put everything, like RFK is going to put everything he can into reanimating Hulk Hogan.

I would love to see RFK in the July 4th fights ultimate warrior dress because he's got the leathery jerky body for it. Yeah. But really, I mean, him yelling at the camera. I just want to tell you, and that's what I want you to listen to me, Hulkomaniacs. I'm inviting Justin Trudeau into the ring.

I'll see you there. RFK, we're having some mic issues. No, you're, it's fine. It's perfectly good. It's really good. I love him. I am lathered up in beef tallow in Mexican Coke and I am ready to fight you for Canada.

He's going to fight Trudeau in a poop pond. No, Harrison did not die in a tub. What am I thinking of? He died in 1901 from the flu. And his last words were, Are the doctors here? Oh, man. There's some cool last words.

And then there's really, like, sad, upsetting last words. Are the doctors here? They said they'll be here in five minutes. if you can, he's dead. Yep, they're right. Benjamin? Benji. A scientist states that in the course of about six million years from now,

the force at work on Earth will have completely leveled its surface so that there will no longer be hills or valleys, continents, or distinctive oceans. All the land will have been washed down into the sea, which will then cover all with a watery mantle and render impossible any life except that which can exist without dry land. Wow. Starring Kevin Koster and Dennis Hopper. Kind of accurate. Jamie,

Jamie, can we get the good sky on? Can you look that up and see why that would be? It sounds really spot on. I just, because I sit around and I think about like, what's going on with the land, you know? I wonder why that would happen. And I wonder what would happen to land. It's like mountains get smaller. time and so I'm just thinking like...

Did you see that he went on a bit of an anti-Trump rant? Oh, did he? Yeah. Oh, okay. But they kind of have to now. Like, Theo had on like some, you know, Palestinian doctor or something like that. And then Rogan's got on an anti-ray. Like they are kind of painted into this corner now where they have to start to do a soft

retreat. Not Dave Smith. No, well, I mean, people who were popular. Yeah, so this is exactly the kind of like one scientist says something and they write it up, but this is exactly what like all the anti-climate change guys and anti-color guys and they, they find one scientist and they go, see, that's what's going to happen. But this guy obviously is just talking out of his butthole, but is actually closer than so many of today. I mean, he is saying, like, yeah.

There's erosion of everything, but it leaves out the part of like plate tectonics and all the stuff that pushes everything up and like volcanic eruptions and yeah, right. There used to be a show called The Future is Wild on one of the Discovery channels or the Learning Channel or before they just showed morbidly obese people living.

That's learning. And I learned how much fried chicken a 700 pound set of twins eat. That's true. You can learn a lot. How much is? How much is it? It's an ungodly amount. And it's always the one person who can actually physically get it has to cave. So that's the problem.

The one person will be like, why don't you just eat some more tomatoes and some lettuce? I'm sick of that stuff. Can you just get me an 800 piece? Well, so science has come a long way since then. But the future is wild, would just have these scientists done, who would talk about hypothetically what they thought animals might evolve into in the future. And I remember the first time I saw it, I was like cataclysmically high in my apartment in Brooklyn. And just this man in a bow tie with like a little bull cut and a beard just goes,

it's 100 million years in the future. And the last mammal is a blind cave rat being farmed by spiders for food. My wife filed for divorce. You know it would be fun. Would be to do, if only we had the technology to do this show where we, took today's papers back to 1907. Yeah. That'd be so fun to just be like,

Oh, okay. So excuse me there, Jen, but what is the UFC? What are those, what's that acronym stand for? Yeah. Sounds pretty good. Yeah. I've got a gentleman, Irishman, who I'd like to recommend for it.

Nothing more plainly illustrates that the girl of the period is partial to things antique than are persistent fondness fondness for the long trained skirt. It is found on investigation that this abominable costume was invented first in England

by Annie Queen of Richard the second nearly 500 years ago. This was probably the first street cleaning apparatus to be invented. Took a little dig right there. Now... Doesn't like the long. Doesn't like the long. Now, but if...

Let's see those ankles, ladies. Is that what it is? It's like the dress is so long it hits the ground or is it that it's too long? It's so funny that men have this like predetermined. Like the more skin of a woman you see, the more aroused you are, which if you were running a society based to skew in the male direction, which we always have been, the shorter the dress the better. And yet forever they were like, cover those legs, sinners. But it's like you would think that it would just be. the other way that they would be like, this is called

the gine skirt and I'm allowed to see a lip through it. They do. They do now. But back then you would just like they like I think it was because it was it was probably religiously based that they were like, if I feel my penis move, that's your problem and you need to solve it. But now that's literally what's happening with trans people. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. The states were harshest bands also like that's the number one porn search. Yeah. It's all, it's all, they're all the trans women. It is, you know, it's funny because Trump called it an 80-20 issue or like a 93-7 issue the other day. That's why he always brings up trans women sports.

And then I was like, man, I wish the Democrats had something like that, like a genocide that was like 94-6. Well, maybe tell, we got to make T-Pack. As long as if there was a massive lobbying. where every senator took money from big transsexuals, then we'd be good. I'm not sure what just happened. Me either. What were you going to say? No, I didn't have anything to say.

I don't think there's no money to be made from doing anything near to the right thing. Wow. This was probably the first street cleaning apparatus to be invented. The same queen should also be blamed for large hats, those of abnormal size with great flaring brims, intimate relatives. fucking spitting and making a lot of sense. Intimate relatives of our theater. Shorter dresses, fuck these hats.

Of our theater bonnets now in vogue. Surely this esteemable woman had much to be responsible for. He's mad at a lady 500 year old. He has every right to be. I feel like if you saw long dresses big hats, dig her up and let's beat her. Go ahead, sir. I feel like if you saw a picture of this author's wife,

she would be wearing a long dress and a big hat, This feels like a personal gripe that he's taken to the newspaper. Yeah, it is a personal gripe. There's someone he doesn't like that is wearing a big hat. Well, it sounds like you went to the theater and someone had a big stupid bonnet. He was like, I paid $40 for this. I can neary see the stage. And then it gets up to complain to the manager and trips on their dress.

You, you dirty slut! Sir. No, it was a queen from 500 years ago who put a spell on all of you. All right, buddy. No. We have a guest coming in 10 minutes. There's just a section called Unfortunate Events, and the first one is, two braggadocious lose their lives in a Mexican volcano.

Honestly, these more than ever feel like the fridge magnet words just being put together comically. You can absolutely just make this up. Read that again. Two braggadishos lose their lives. in a Mexican volcano. Bagadicious, bagadish. Well, whatever it is, that'll teach their bold egos. It means now you're magma.

Arrogate, arrogant people, I think. Yeah, yeah, braggadocious. Yeah. Braggadocious, yeah. Yeah, but that's good. That's how they get their comeuppance. His last words were, hey, watch this. His last word was, is the doctor near?

A 50 fatal cases of sunstroke and 100 prostrations occur in Chicago. that's it so it was hot but prostrations I think that's a fainting like if you're lying prostrate your wouldn't that also be sunstroke though I think it has to do with your anus

yeah no they feel they know because they're doing that whole thing you fall over and you wake up but first well I know have you ever sundered behole Dave I'll start over here I'm not a Luke I'll go to you next Jamie can you bring up some of those

the plus the pluses for that I've done it oh here's there has been so little rain in Cape Breton that the forest fires have started and have been raging for several days they may reach the towns of Sydney

and North Sydney so nothing has changed There's a rookie numbers you gotta get those numbers up how about living on the watch duty app and when you actually see like it truly I save up my let's applaud

the troops for their service at shows for fire people, people who work and, like, that, those are the people where I'm like, sir, you deserve everything. I mean, when you look at the watch duty app and the way, half the country's on fire and they are, it's shocking. Is it? Is that the country on fire? Luke's getting a call again. Yeah.

No, it was on my computer that time. Oh, just, that's a computer watch call. That's not a phone computer. watch. I already silenced. He silenced the phone to watch. Go ahead. The family of Enoch West of Berkshire, Kentucky, 25 miles from Cincinnati,

was poisoned from eating ice cream. Miss Annie Spillman. I bet he got it at a Rite Aid. I never trust the ice cream department at a Rite. Go ahead. They're all closing. A good reason, too. Because of the lawsuits around the ice cream dance. Yeah. Come on. I'm here to buy a picture frame,

and now I'm having a cone. Get fucked. Miss Eddie Spillman, who was visiting the family, died in awful agony. The other members of the family are suffering and are in a dangerous condition. The ice cream took him. He's gone now. He's gone. How do they ice the cream?

How do you ice the cream? Yeah, how do you ice it, question boy? I go to the Rite Aid. That's pretty good. It's pretty good. If you're asking me how a freezer works. Well, this would probably be. icebox time.

Okay. I guess you would do it with, I guess it would be a combination. You churn it in the icebox. It's probably a combination of icebox, ice and cream. This is a modern news. Certainly it was a pain in the ass. Modern day newspaper thing,

but the cooling issue brought it up. Do you know how many cases of Legionnaires disease are going on in New York City currently? It's a lot. And I was listening to the radio the other day, and they just kept talking about it, but they were not saying where it was. They're like, just be careful because a number of buildings do seem to have legionella in the cooling towers.

Legionella. That's the name of the actual bacteria. And everyone who's going in was like, can you tell us what buildings? And they're like, they won't say which, but they're just saying if you're in Harlem, just be careful. We're wearing the mask in public as much as we do is just starting to become a panacea. It's not even just COVID, mold, mold. COVID. Legionaires.

Legionaires. I have faith in RFK, do you get straightens this all out. Yeah, I agree. Babies afraid. This is our last one. It's a good ending. Babies afraid of black clothes.

Cowards. Thank you. That's the whole story, cowards. At sight of a strange person, object or animal, a baby will cry. Yeah, proven. Anything black will produce more disturbance in the mind of a baby than anything

white. By the way, this is Pete Hegsess' wet dream. This also sounds like a very convenient explanation by a local priest. No, it's the outfit. It's just absolute nonsense. Yes, crazy. I mean, again, this is the sort of thing you read and you go, well, this man's

done some research. I can't actually have any anecdotal evidence. Jamie, do we is there research on babies in black? Actually, it seems that babies are actually okay with black. There's an article in 2003 that says they studied it and it's a 50-50-k case. That's crazy.

What about Via Kong babies? I kind of, I'm actually on, I'm looking for some new jobs. So let me just close a few windows out. A child refusing to go to a relative in dark clothes would not hesitate if the suit were changed to a light color with a white, red, or blue. Can't remember it. Hi, I'm Dr. Poopie Stupid. And here are some things I've come up with. I'm Dr. Full of Shit.

Hi. I'm Dr. Shitted. And babies don't like it. black and women need to be put in holes if they wear a long dress. All right, everybody. That was the past times. It's a podcast. Luke, anything?

What do you got? Thoughts, concerns? You know, I'm going to go find a baby. I'm dressed pretty dark today. You couldn't get a baby. Don't go near babies. I'm going to see if I start a little. You will.

You will definitely scare a baby. You will definitely. I get on very well with babies. Can I make a suggestion? Sure, yeah. Less shirts. For the babies? For you.

Yeah, sure. I feel like I'm going to get a season desist from Bert Kreischer. You welcome that lawsuit. Or maybe you do the bottoms off world tour. You just Porky Pigget around town. That's how you perform. Duckberg. Every time you come out, you rip your pants off and you're just bottomless.

It's time. Oh! All right, everybody. There you go. We want to thank our sponsors. Reagan shirt cannons. Staple and the crack house. Okay.

And tear away paint. Stop it. And the recording. And the recording. And the recording. And the recording. Los Angeles. Hurry up and in the recording.

Downtown crack house. Jesus. So much fell out of him.