The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 186 - John Dillinger's Penis

Episode Date: June 29, 2016

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the legend of criminal John Dillinger's penis.SOURCESTOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Hola! You are listening to the dollop. This is a American History podcast. Each

week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American History to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who on a bi-weekly basis has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me on this one. Trust. God, do you want to look who to do? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny. Not Gary Gareth. Dave, okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not going to come to tickling podcasts. Okay. You are Queen Fakie of made-up town. All hail Queen Shit of Liesville! A bunch of religious

virgins go to mingle and do my thing. Hi, Gary. No. Is he done, my friend? No. Okay, so we're, there's might be a little bit of echo because we're in my office and I expected to use a back room but someone locked the back room. Mm-hmm. So we're in a big open space. We're basically recording in an office barn. Yeah, we're recording in the worst possible thing you could record in. So if you hear owls. Owls. Could be owls. Other barn stuff. I can't think of hey. Hey. Obviously hey comes to mind. Pitchforks. I think that's hey adjacent. Hey, Jason. Armenians. Okay. This took a turn. What? Fast. And I want you

to have the option to back away from that. Okay, I'm backing away from that. Thank you. Backing away. But if you, if there are Armenians in a barn, they're probably farm, farm Armenians. That's what I meant. Farmenians. Did I not say farmenians? Did you say farmenians? I think I said farmenians. You said Armenians. Oh no, I meant farmenians. Hey, Gary. Gareth, we've been over and over this. We've been over and over and over this. How many times must we go over this? We keep going over this. You keep saying the wrong name. My name is Gareth. Not Gary. It has a few letters

in common, but many different too. As many in common as there are different. Assuming you don't spell Gary with an E. Gareth, G-A-R-E-T-H Welsh. Gareth. Gary, this podcast is brought to you by our subscribers on Patreon. We want to thank each and every one of you for subscribing. You guys are awesome. June 22nd. 1903. 1903. John Dillinger was born in Indianapolis, Indiana. Okay. His mother died when he was three from a stroke. Sure. Why not? It wouldn't be a dollop. Nope. Without that sweet action. Gotta die early. John's dad was a church-going man who would occasionally hit young John for acting out. Sure. Like God says. Yeah, God

tells you to do that. Yeah. And then just on the eighth day he was beating. And then on the ninth day he'd give him money to go buy treats. Yeah. He felt bad. It's exactly how God did it. Go buy yourself some nice. Sorry about your eye. Sorry about your eye, kid. You know, I can get so out of hand. I created everything. It's like a lot of pressure. You know what I mean? You don't know, kid. There you are. You're like... I'm swamped. Some days I got to make a great rain. Some days I got to make a big fire. Sometimes, yeah, it's a lot. I don't mean to come home and take it out on you. Okay? Now here, go get yourself something nice. Wind? I'm God, okay? It's

me, God. Let the jacket wear and get. Is it weird that I'm wearing a crucifix around my neck? Boom. It's me, God. Wait, is God Al Pacino? Whoa. Or is he a young John Travolta? Yeah, it's kind of like I'm Andrew Dice Travolta. I'm God. Boom, baby. Come on. It's me, God. Whoo. Guess lonely up here is so much creating to do. If you catch God, you get three wishes. That's true. That's true. All right, you've done it. What did you like? What were your three wishes? Candy. If you catch God, gotcha. That's your gotcha, God. Oh, shit. All right, you get three. Okay, hurry up. First wish, there is no God. Den and count on that one, did you, God? So Dillinger quit school at 16 because

he was bored. Okay, made it pretty far considering his life of crime began on July 21, 1923 when he stole a sedan. Okay. He was arrested, but managed to slip away from the cops. The next day he joined the Navy. Wow, that is, that'll teach you that's why you got to get him. You guys like a fish. Yeah, once you have him on the line, get him in. Now he's on a boat. He's gone. But that wasn't the right life for him. And he jumped ship after five months. He was dishonorably discharged. Does that mean he literally jumped ship? You know what it said, jumped ship and the thing I was reading your Navy, it would make me think that that you jumped ship. I hope he actually did jump ship. I mean, I think it is. I think you can

call it jumping ship if you just leave the ship. Doesn't mean you have to jump off the ship. I'm going to picture he jumped off the ship. That's okay with everybody. Go, go. Back in Indiana, he met and married a barrel, hovious. He is that a whiskey that was in a barrel? It's a lady. This is my wife. John, that's just a barrel with a wig on it. She's pretty. She's got a area for me. My love. Should we get out of here, my dear? No. Come on. Okay, I'm going to cry. Let me take your cork out. He tried to go straight and worked in an upholstery shop. Okay. He also played baseball on a local team. Okay. Well, one day a guy on the team told him about a local grocer who would carry his money each day after closing

up. Okay. So Dillinger tried to rob him. Obviously. There was a struggle. Okay. The gun went off. He thought he'd killed the grocer. So he ran. But the grocer wasn't shot. And he quickly called the cops and Dillinger was caught. Check. You want to see blood before you run? Right. Or anything. Or a guy go, Oh, yeah, I'm dying. Look at all this blood instead of like a guy dropping his turnips. Yeah. He is a grocer. He had so he had the book thrown on him. He got 10 to 20 years for that crime. Okay, which is for that, which is really pretty substantial that he was in jail for a couple years. Then his wife left him. He was devastated. They got what you got a stamp. You said till death do us part. That's what I'm talking about. This is like basically a test

of that. Right. Do you love me? I'm going to be 20 20 20. We'll see 20. In prison, he met famous criminals and bank robbers like Harry Pierpont and Homer von Meter. We did one on Harry Pierpont. Sure. Sure, we did. They formed a gang and set about breaking each other out of prison until they were all free. So one guy get out and he break the other guy out, you know, that'll do right. Then they went on a bank robbing spree fun. The Pierpont gang, as they were called, became quite well known. Newspapers wrote about the exploits. They were described as shadowy criminals who wore dark overcoats and hats with their brims pulled down to hide their identities. Jesus, that is not what you want to see. No, it's terrifying. But that was kind of like that. So I mean, they almost from a

fashion standpoint started to think that's what I'm talking about. You know what I mean? That's what this dollop is about. Oh, finally, something we can both sink our teeth into. Thank you. We're becoming a fashion podcast. Welcome to the fall up. This is a show about fashion in the fall through history. Right here. You can see John Dillinger. He's wearing a lovely P coat. Look, you can see that's got two to three buttons on it. Are you doing James? There we are. And you can see he's got the brim of his hat pulled down suggesting, boy, there's more than meets the eye with this one, ladies. Coming up next. Dillinger read all the stories and saved all the press clippings of their, you know, adventures. Yeah, sure. They kept what were basically business hours

while they lived in Chicago. They had girls like they'd plot their crimes during the day and then they go out at night. All right, it's five. Five. Come on. Quit in time, boys. I'm beating traffic tonight, guys. That's it. They'll have girlfriends and wives and they only drank during off hours. Wow. Discipline to discipline. That's what matters when you're a robber. Yeah. In 1933, they decided to vacation in Florida. Okay. Like bank robbers do. Sure. Yeah. But before they left, one of the gangs shot and killed the police officer. That does put a dam damper on playing sometimes. The Chicago police department then created an elite squad. They named the Dillinger Squad. The gang briefly returned to Chicago and decided instead to go to Arizona because it was

getting a little too hot in the Windy City. Yeah. No Dillinger Gang in Arizona. Nope. No squad. Gang. No, they're the gang. The squad is at the Dillinger Squad is after them. They're the Dillinger Gang. Right. Dillinger's on the squad. Understood. Proceed. But before they left, Dillinger had a robbery go bad and he shot and killed the police officer William Patrick O'Malley. Oh, boy. It's weird that there's an Irish cop. Yeah. Oh, he shot me right in the stereotype. Oh, I've been Dillinger. Oh, stereotype. I just got that. I just got it. It took me it's after I said my thing. Your thing was better. I've been I look I've been there. I get it. People are mad right now that I talk. No, no, no. No, that happens. That's how it works. You have a thought in your

head and you're like, this will win. And then I've done that when I was listening back to the shit. There were many times. Yeah. Many times where you'd be leading something that would be good and I'd be like, sorry, Dave, I've got a one liner that might go nowhere. They fled Arizona where they were all caught pretty quickly. Okay. Different states wanted to prosecute different gang members for different things. Dillinger was to go back to Indiana and stand trial for the murder of O'Malley after he stood trial for his crimes in Arizona. While he was awaiting trial in Arizona, he was placed in Crown Point Prison, which was deemed inescapable. Uh huh. He promptly escaped at Stolt. Now they don't know what are they doing it after there's different versions

of how he escaped. Some said he paid someone off. Some said he painted a piece of wood to make make it look like a gun. Like they're different. I like that one. That's obviously the best one. Yeah. Stick them up. Hold on. He's got a gun. How'd you get that, Dillinger? Boy, it's a skinny one too, huh? Real skinny minnie. It's like a pencil gun. Doesn't even have a barrel. What's your angle, Dillinger? I can't even see bullets. That looks like that trigger doesn't move. All right, Dillinger. Nobody's going to get hurt. Relax, Dillinger. Relax. All right. Look, look, look. I understand you can't cock it now. Now move on, Dillinger. Nobody wants to get hurt by that gun. He's got some sort of future gun, gentlemen. Everyone relax, Dillinger. Now come on. Go ahead now.

Just don't fire that future gun at any of us. Please. Obviously it's as thick as a piece of spaghetti, but still. The more I look at it, the more it looks like a black twig. But still, come on, Dillinger. None of this bullshit, Dillinger. Just, just move on now. None of us want to get injured, Dillinger. Come on now. How you doing? Get tired. Dave put his mic down almost being like, how long are you going to go fuck face? And I was like, oh, for a while. So after he escaped, he stole the sheriff's car and drove back to Illinois. Just like, well, I'm a badass. I might as well do this. Yeah. But in doing so, he finally committed to. Wait, from, from where to where? From Indianapolis to. No, from Arizona to Illinois.

He drove a sheriff's car. Yeah. What would you do? Probably be like, take one that they won't try to pull over when they notice it's not a sheriff. Yeah, but I don't know what kind of communication they had back then. If there's like, these are in all points of bulletin, I doubt it. Much, much easier time like to be a, I mean, like, you just, you would, the weight on the scales was so much like it harder to determine. You'd be like, I could probably get away with it. Can I kill a couple of guys and just hang in a bank? I think I could. Yeah. So, but in, in stealing the car and driving across state lines, he finally committed a felony and now the FBI wanted him. Okay. Dillinger put together another gang in Chicago and went on a crime

spree robbing of banks all over the Midwest. The FBI was hot on their tail the whole time though. So they went to Wisconsin to hole up. There, they were informed on and then they had a shootout with the FBI, but escaped after killing one FBI agent and a civilian. Oh boy. Now the FBI really wanted Dillinger and he was called public enemy number one. Yeah. He was famous. So hiding became quite difficult. Right. He then had plastic surgery done by a mob doctor, which a mobster, a mobster, which he didn't like and thought it looked horrible. What, what did he get done? I just, I talk or something. So what I've done is I've given you a second nose and I've removed an ear. No, no, no, no, no. Two noses, one ear. No one will ever know that you are John Dillinger.

Goodbye, John, John Dillinger. Hello, double nose. I don't. Hey, look, where did you get the nose? I took my own off. Look, that's why this bandage is on. I put an ear here. What the fuck? I don't know. I'm not going to lie. I'm drunk and not really a doctor. Then a month later, he robbed another bank with his gang and another police officer was shot and killed, but they made away with 30,000 for that time. I think what you want to do is stop killing the cops. Well, you know, they keep coming out. Cut that out at some point. Okay. Around this time, Dillinger had a girlfriend who introduced him to a woman named Anna Sage. She was a Romanian immigrant who had gotten divorced and ended up working as a prostitute

for the mob. Okay. So that happens after her divorce. Sure. Oh, look, all women go through that. Yeah, it's the mob prostitute phase. Yeah. It's part of the grieving. I think it's the seventh step. Currently, she found herself under investigation by the immigration and naturalization service and was looking at being deported. Somehow she became friendly with a city detective and told him about her problems. And he hooked her up with the local FBI agent, Melvin Purvis. Okay. She offered to give up Dillinger in return for nixing the deportation. Right? Yeah. Purvis got together a group of FBI agents and hired guns, keeping the Chicago PD completely out of it because they couldn't be trusted. And on July 22nd, 1934, Sage told Purvis that she and Dillinger were

going to a local movie theater to see a film. Agents were posted outside. Agent Purvis was standing near the theater entrance when Dillinger walked out. He was with Sage and his girlfriend, one lady on each arm. Sage, I mean, Dillinger and Purvis made eye contact. And then he walked away and as they walked down the street, Purvis pulled out his gun and yelled, stick him up, Johnny, we got you surrounded. That was before it was like hacky. Right? Right. Like that was the time, stick him up, Johnny. It's fucking amazing. We got you surrounded like it was actually what was happening. Dillinger tried to run and he reached for his gun. He was shot four times. The one that killed him entered at the base of his neck and traveled up hitting the second vertebrae, then

exited below his right eye. A crowd formed around him. People took out their handkerchiefs and soaked up his blood as a delightful keepsake. Oh, what the fuck? We are so weird. We are so weird. That is such a weird like, can you imagine? Who's the first guy who thought of that? It's just imagine. Imagine in this day and I mean, you would be like, I gotta get some of that. I mean, what? No, don't drink it. Put it in a handkerchief in there. You're full. I didn't bring my handkerchief. I'm gonna stuff my face in it. Smart. Smart. Put it in your mouth until you can find a handkerchief to spit it onto. Hey, what about this? What if the cops are like, Hey, everybody back? That'd be interesting. It's fucking crazy. Oh no, look at all this blood. Anyone else thinking souvenirs?

Stocking stuffers? I have a store across the street. I am going to sell these. Come get your dill rags. Dill rags. Dillinger was then taken to Alexia Brothers Hospital and pronounced dead. He was then taken to the Cook County morgue. The crowd followed his body to Alex Brothers Hospital and then to the morgue and even into the postmortem room. Were there not doors in this time? Just before doors were invented? Oh, look, let's keep going. Hey, we're actually supposed to just cremate him now. I didn't get to dab anything. Don't turn it on. My husband's in the oven taking thoughts. I just wanted to, I didn't get to dab something in him. Everyone else got to dab stuff. If it's possible, if I could just get a little feces for

the road just to feel like I was a part of it. Can I put my finger in his eye? Absolutely, ma'am. Absolutely, you can do that. That's why it's a morgue. Come on. Everyone put your hands on him. What we're going to do is we're going to all put our hands on him and the last person to have one hand on gets him. Hundreds of others waited around outside until late in the night, hoping to see the body of Dillinger. The next day, his body was taken to the McCready Funeral Home, where an estimated 15,000 people walk past to get a nice look. Wow, that's so crazy. Also, four death masks were made that day. Go on. And this is where the post-life of Dillinger takes form. It started when he was shot or maybe before. Dillinger, being a bit of a celebrity and clearly a bad boy,

had a little something sexy about him. Sure. But when he was shot with a woman on each arm, shit went into overdrive. The press went crazy with stories about the woman in red who betrayed him. They said he lived as he died with a smile on his face and a woman on each arm. He instantly became a big time ladies man. Wait, retro at posthumous? Basically, yeah, like he got shot with two ladies on him. Come on. This guy was a pimp for his whole life. He's amazing. Then came the photo. Okay. As the crowds walked past and got a good look at the body in the morgue, a photographer snapped a shot. Now it's a side, it's a side view shot. Profile. It's a pro. Okay. I mean, if you want to use the actual terms. Profile. It's a profile shot. What was

in the foreground? I have a bit of an eye. Wait, what? Huh? Was I supposed to get that? So it's a profile and he is in the morgue and that's not it. Here's one where ladies are walking by him dressed in bathing suits. Whoa, what the hell? Wait, Dave, what? Well, they, you know, they're probably at a pool and then. No, no, no, no. Don't even say that doesn't help at all. Oh, come on. Don't even, don't even dry yourself. Come to the morgue, Stacy. Okay. So the photo happens. So it's a profile shot. What is it? And the crowds walking past and they're all looking at the body and Dylan's just on a board. His body is under a sheet. You mean a gun? His body, everything but the head is under a sheet. Okay. And the board is tilted,

right? Like a 45 degree angle almost. Okay. So his feet are low and his head are up and under the sheet. Something very large is protruding up. Oh, no. Wait a minute. Are you telling me what? Oh, geez. What Dave? What Dave? What is this? What is Dave? Does John Dillinger have a huge dead heart on? That's what it looks like, but it's actually his hand. But it looks like he has a gigantic heart on. Oh, yeah. Like a huge heart on. Yeah. Like a, like a, you do a dollop about this dick heart on. So, okay. So he's propped up and people think they see a huge heart Dillinger. Now there was no indication of rumors before this that he had a big Johnson, right? But this picture, along with the

fact that he was killed with a woman on each arm, made the rumor. Some newspaper editors actually touched up the photo to remove the giant bulge. Okay. I honestly, I thought it didn't matter because the legend was born. Okay. So now, so now I can't wait to find out how we handle this because knowing us, everyone's going to be like, you got to die. Your dick gets big. In his own state of Indiana, word on the street was that he would lose consciousness when he became aroused. Oh my God. Because it drained all the blood from his brain into his pecker. I'm a doctor. It was said to be somewhere between 16 and 23 inches. Oh my, what? Come on. One rumor was that an informant claim Dillinger would use his huge tool to

use as a weapon to flog women and other unfortunate people. What is he talking? What is happening? This is like William Wallace. You never heard that Dillinger used to beat up guys with his dick? All right. Now where's the money? Frank, don't make me do it again. Don't make me do it, Frank. I'll pass out if I get it too hard. Go go, dilly cock. Yeah. Give it to me, Frank. Where's the money? Where's the money? Here's the thing. Here's the money. A couple gut shots for you, huh? I love this. You like when you're, what is it? I love it. Son of a bitch. Another informant. Someone get a vagina. Another informant apparently said that even though Dillinger was crazy, well endowed, he wasn't a great lover because he didn't have enough blood in his body to support an erection.

What is happening? That's a competing rumor with the other one where he would pass out. Yeah, but there's either either. So I think that the people who've made up these rumors don't know how much blood is in the human body. I agree. It's not like in the middle of our chests, we have like a bottle full of blood and there's two straws going from our dicks to our brains that and we got to keep a perfect balance. You know, it all went to my dick. His brain's out of blood. Are you a doctor? You're not a doctor. I'm not a doctor, Dave. Okay, fair. The legend never died, but it just grew stronger. In the 70s, I mean that couldn't sound more like the situation with him anyway. In the 70s, it never died. It just grew stronger. Playboy and we magazines wrote articles about Dillinger's huge knob. Oh my

god. 23 inches. By that time, the rumors of Dillinger's death and erection had morphed into something even more disturbing. What? What? If you suck it now, you get three wishes like catching God. The urban legend was that Dillinger's Johnson had been cut off and preserved in a jar in formaldehyde, which was kept at the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History and Dicks. Now, kids, look up here on the right. You're going to see what looks like a tapeworm, but that's actually the cock of America's most wanted criminal for a stretch. The alternate rumor was that Jade Hoover had kept his penis on his desk as a trophy. Although no one Hoover though, that could have been true. Come on, he already had one to deal with that was too much. He doesn't want two

dicks in his life. That's true. The Dick stories became so prominent over time that both the FBI and the Smithsonian were forced to respond publicly. It's so great that the Smithsonian has to be like, we don't have his big hard dick. The FBI's official historian, John Fox, quote, it is one of those urban legends. It's been around for a long time, but there's no evidence that the corpse was mutilated in any way except for the bullets he was shot with. They probably thought his dick was a separate person. The Smithsonian went as far as to create a form letter that they would send out when inquiries came in. To whom it may concern. We do not have the dick. Quote, we can assure you that the anatomical specimens of John Dillinger are not and have

never been in the collection of the Smithsonian Institute. Oh my God. At the Museum of Health and Medicine on the frequently asked questions section of the museum's website, it reads, question, do you have a 20th century gangster, John Dillinger's penis in the collection? Whoa. Answer, no, we don't have it, but we get a lot of phone calls asking if we do. Hey, I called two days ago. Yes. Is this the Smithsonian? Yes. Anyway, I called a couple of days ago. I talked to somebody who did not know what they were talking about. I'm wondering if there are specific hours when I should come by to see the hard cock of gangster John Dillinger or is it open as much as y'all's other exhibits?

Okay. We actually don't have John Dillinger's. Okay. So I guess you're the person I talked to a couple of days ago. Okay. I have to go, sir. Why? Because you got to go hide the dick. Good luck. You're going to have to dig a pretty big hole, sir. I'm coming to check out that penis. Please don't. You probably painted it to look like an airplane and hanging up in the Rod Brothers part. Sneaky bastards. I've seen national treasure. What? Huh? You stuck around for all that? You're crazy. Click. In 1991, the legend of Dillinger's huge penis was discussed on the show, The Wonder Warriors. In 2006, a Washington Post reporter was given a tour of the collection of human remains in the Smithsonian. There, Daniel Rogers, chairman of the Smithsonian Museum's Anthropology Department,

revealed they did have something pertaining to Dillinger. His balls. His balls. Just one. His tiny, drained balls. The other one is in Hoover's mouth. It was buried with Hoover. Uh, so this is quote. It is not a body part. It is made out of rubber or latex. I guess you could describe it as a medical model. Wait, what? It's not a body part. It's made out of rubber or latex. I guess you could describe it as a medical model. This is like, this is like a riddle, huh? I didn't know there was, do you give me one more time? I'm not good at these. Give me one more time. It's not a body part, but it is made of rubber. It's a medical model. It's a medical model. Rubber, medical model. Wait a minute.

Okay, no. Uh, is this something common? What is it? No one knows where it came from, and it has never been officially entered into the Smithsonian collection. It was stored in a jar labeled J. Dillinger for years, but that jar broke, and it was placed in another jar. Rogers said, quote, it's been around here longer than I have, and I've been here for 17 years. The reporter asked to see it. So he was taken through a maze of hallways full of wooden boxes of specimens. A locker was then open, and inside were two jars. One was empty, but had a label that read J. Dillinger, FBI transfer, SI mammals division, two anthropology, 127 53.

The other jar was bigger and filled with water. Inside was a long, narrow, pale, white object about 16 inches long. No, Dave. The Smithsonian employee said, quote, it's a synthetic polymer, so a piece of plastic. No one knows, no one knows when it arrived or who sent it. There are no records. The belief is that it's just a prank that was based on the rumors. What the hell? Oh boy, this is... So in the Smithsonian... There's potentially... Someone has... No, it's not even potential. Someone just made a fake dick. How do you know it's fake? Well, we don't, but... Okay. Well, we know it's a fake dick. It's a plastic dick. How do you... Okay, your story checks out. So someone, but someone thought it would be funny if they sent the Smithsonian.

16. A model of Dillinger's dick in 1953. So while they don't have the dick, they do have a model of the dick. Well, but it's not even a model, a dick. It's just based on the rumors. The guy didn't have a big dick. You don't know that? I don't know that. What was under the sheet? His arm. You know what they say about guys with big arms? They're the rock? Yep. They always say that. This was a dillip. This was our first dillip. Or a dillop. We signed Kors. What? Did you say horse? Kors. Okay. I think Kors beer. Sure.