The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 191 - The Airships of 1896

Episode Date: July 18, 2016

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the airships of 1896. SOURCESTOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Oh hello Jose, welcome. The whole cast is out as soon as we start. Thanks for

coming in the room. You're listening to the dollop. This is a bi-weekly American history podcast. Each week I read a story from American history to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. It's gonna be about tuna fish. Oh I know a lot about tuna fish. Here we go. What a magical ride this seems to be. Do you want to look who to do? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny. Not Gary Gareth. Dave okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not going to come to Tickly Quad. Okay. You are Queen Fakie of Liesville. All hail Queen Shit of Liesville. A bunch of religious virgins go to

Mingle and do a thing. Hi Kavi. No. Has he done my friend? No. Helicopter. We're in Los Angeles. Helicopter. I don't know if I said this on the podcast but my my when I was in England my family's reaction to a helicopter made me really wish I lived in England. Because they're like oh magical thing in the sky. It was like Paul McCartney was walking down the street. Oh my lord it's in the sky it's flying. Would you look at that. Look at it. A helicopter in the sky. I was like there are four of them above my residence every moment of every day. Oh you guys should be militarized. Yeah you guys need a you guys need you guys need a domestic military. That's what you need.

Hey this podcast is brought to you by our subscribers on Patreon. We want to thank each and every one of you for subscribing. You guys are awesome. I'm going to kiss your face. Sweet God. Would you stop warming up and just start Dave. Red leather. Yellow leather. I mean the first one was not good. Red leather. Yellow leather. February 29th. 1896. Okay the 90s. San Francisco call newspaper quote a flying machine that will fly a huge creation with mighty wings that will flap ponderously or sail majestically above the city roofs. The dream of the end of the century and a San Franciscan has solved the problem he thinks and what

is more to the purpose he has found numerous local capitalists who think likewise. Okay so plane time. Really? Yeah. I don't know why you have to plane. What are we talking about? It just said a it said a machine with wings that will flap. What are we talking about? A bird? A bird? Well to planes flap. I mean I've seen footage of the early ones are pretty interesting. There's certainly some swing for the fences concepts. What we need a 35 wings. Yeah all right. Captain Charles Abbotsmith an MD it said it stated had applied for a patent on an airship that quote will work. Is that what makes this product

different from every other option? No no no. I've got a patent on shitty ones. This won't interfere with you sir. This one will work. Oh then by all means. Now if anyone wants to buy a shit bird I'm right over here. Put in a patent for a shit bird. Who who what is his name? Charles. Captain Charles Abbotsmith. Charles Abbotsmith. Okay. Doctor Captain Charles. Doctor Captain Charles Abbotsmith. MD. Right. So it should be Doctor Captain right? Doctor Captain. I don't know new Doctor Captain. Smith was described as a merchant physician a minor mechanic and inventor. And liar. And everything. And his address was

printed in the paper in case you wanted to stop by. Interesting. Every single person in I took him out after a while but every single human being in this story in every single news article had his address printed after he. What is. I don't know what was happening back then but if you were a serial killer. Yeah. Who liked to go into the people's houses. Yeah. This was the time to live. Yeah or you were probably over it. You're like too easy. It's quite a challenge. I'm gonna kidnap a baby. Smith had produced 15 patents over the years. He invented a type of old-fashioned boot jack. Sure. And the user would stick his boot

through a hole in a bit of wood or board and then turn it so both the heel and toe were grasped by the jack. Then the boot would come off. Okay. Jack. I kind of get that. It's like shoehorn's enemy. I'm a little bit shoehorn's enemy. Yeah. I like that thing. Oh you do. Yeah I like the sound of that one. I'm sure you can still get a boot jack. Farmers use them and cowboys. Well I'll let me say one thing. I got to go boot shopping then hook me up with your boot jack guy you keep talking about. We're gonna need a lot of boot jacks when the when the chump boys come marching in. Oh get ready. They'll be everywhere. He also claimed

to have invented the button hook. Sure. Sure sure sure. That would help a woman fasten her shoes. Obviously. I assume without touching them or whatever. Oh oh jeez. I don't know. I'm in love with this guy. He said he sold the patent. I'm fishing for my laces. He said he sold the patent to a cobbler for a hundred dollars. Okay. There was also the improved finger board for harvesters which made him a eleven thousand dollars profit during the first year. Okay. No idea what it was. I tried to look it up. No idea. No idea what a finger board is. Now some farmers gonna be like oh a farmer board. I like your podcast but how

do you not know what a finger board is stupid. Good god you're stupid city boy. And he patented a ditch digging pipe making pipe laying machine that was being used in Los Angeles County. Okay. Given all. So he laid the pipe. He laid the pipe. Given all that amazing success he had now turned his attention toward flying machines. Quote. I began studying aerial navigation about three years ago and have been at work on my machine ever since. Now that my plans are complete a ship is to be built and it will work. I am certain of that and my experience qualifies me to judge. Okay. I would argue you can't judge your own merits on

this topic. My experience allows me to judge that my thing is terrific. But you haven't made it yet is sort of I guess the issue we're making a judgment. That judgment is I am awesome and my things are wonderful. Right. Okay. I think we're gonna buy the Irish guys not working one. No. No. Have you seen my patent. Yeah. Read this. Will work. Right. Yep. No. It's right there. I have a mustache. Good luck to you, sir. Atlantic and Pacific Aerial Navigation Company was to be incorporated with a capital stock of 50 to $100,000. The company promised to establish and maintain an extensive system of aerial transportation for both

freight and passengers. Okay. It sounds all right. That sounds great. Smith's flying ship was described quote two sheets of metal tubes one within the other the space between sealed and filled with gas. The gas is the second thing, huh? Yeah. You got to go. Yeah. A lot of gas. A lot of gas. Sure. The machine two wings and a bunch of gas. She looks like a huge cylinder cut at one end with a cone point at the other huge wings are at the top and arranged with chains and pulleys so they may be raised lowered and flapped. Oh my god. I mean, like you get nervous when you look out at a plane wing now but imagine if you saw some

chain at a guy at a guy guys pulling it that means a guy has to keep pulling it take that pin boys unless I mean I guess the engine but the engine on a ship like this. My guess is what you're saying. It's maybe at some point you get them off the plane but they have to probably be guys probably had to go up with it at first here it says that it's driven by an electric motor a gasoline engine but that's too heavy for a gas a big old electrical engine to to to drive flapping wings it doesn't work it's not I'm so far and when you say flapping you mean flapping like a bird like a bird would flap so they I mean it is

adorable for sure this should be called a flap ship yeah flap ship and there will be rudders to steer it in case you're wondering how it would turn okay it would be a hundred feet long and 30 feet high the ship would carry up to 20 men it was also going to be made as now when it says 20 men does that mean 20 screaming of mankind mankind or that means no women oh no I think there could be I think women would be allowed on that okay for sexual purposes okay I retract my question just to be totally clear it was answers devastating it was also it was also going to be made of silver gray aluminum so so far I mean there's a lot

of good right there's a lot of commonalities with our planes yeah but how does aluminum hold it a giant and the thing about planes is they're moving forward they're catching they're going up right this is a flappy thing and I can't the flappy thing is held an engine flappy's a pride for sure yeah that's a good point I mean you try we lost the engine from flapping look I can't examine experiments I have tried oh you're tried to put an engine on a blue jay you're always tinkering never fucking yeah you're always tinkering always putting always putting engines on birds always in the lab how always well like

you said I mean you like you said the other night you've probably killed over a million birds maybe a million birds yeah putting engines yeah by trying to throw your engine god damn it I'm going to make flight you will figure out a way to make you will figure out a way to make a bird fly and I will end and chem trails yeah thank you get them up there to suck up the cam now Smith wasn't the only guy working on flying machines at the time interesting the Sacramento Daily Union on July 19th 1896 reported quote there is a boom and flying machines it is felt and by the way the way they're making them there's gonna

be a lot of booms in the flying machines or just the smashes yeah it is felt not without good reason that the practical airship is literally almost on the point of being launched the there are so many qualifiers and now it's the whole thing almost ready to be almost done to do it maybe this should be this should the first sense should have should have been here's some horseshit yeah yeah the creation of it will mark a new era in the development of civilization hence the excitement is not without reason everyone was interested in building a flying machine that's just always a trend yeah something happens and then

everybody's like let's do it on board yeah everybody everybody all of a sudden thinks they're a dr. captain bills were often introduced in Congress to give money to those trying to build one senator puffer put forth a bill for 15,000 to build an airship on the mechanical principle of fish wait a minute puffer was for fish that that is why I put this in the story puffer fish puffer fish boy how deep does this go according to this idea the fit the fish was considered and a more appropriate animal to base a flying machine on than a bird so okay so in a world of idiots a man has stepped

forward to gain the sash crown and flowers here he is the dumbest of them all I'm gonna give you guys an idea and I've been thinking about this for a couple of years now puffer has the floor go ahead puffer come ideas I think all worked out but here's what I'm thinking sure trout put them in the sky like build a big trout and like a trout goes through a river right yeah with people in it I'll take you to Sacramento all right um puffer's time's up I need like 15,000 yeah no I'm sorry I should have addressed this right away nobody's giving you money for your fish plane you're seeing a trout yeah right

through a river stop stop pitching I'll be honest you tell me why you can't do that in the sky because it's just a crazy thing to base it off of we'll go with birds they fly you know what I mean Jesus you should all stupid okay all right all right puffer this has been horrible as usual I think we maybe say no more puffer pitches inventor DH Carl patented a huge umbrella that had a kind of wing attached to the handle well finally someone stepping forward the pilot would tilt the wing depending upon the direction he wanted to travel yes the Mary Poppins theorem yeah I that one I would love to see that one in

action I would pay money I will pay money to someone who does this today today I will pay money grand amounts of money you know I was talking to someone the other day the fact that hot air balloons is still a thing is so insane I know someone who crashed in a hot air balloon it's the craziest thing the slowest most terrifying crash the idea that for any reason you're still like all right well let's go up with a balloon that's full of hot gas near fire and what are we standing in a wicker yeah fire fire tendency to wicker Ryan Hamilton a comedian has a 20 minute bit of a hot air balloon trip and I highly recommend

everybody try to find it okay so fucking fun right okay he crashed yeah wow there was a cigar shaped balloon patent it would be propelled by six oarsmen with winged or Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave why do you hate flight the only reason that or should be in that is because a better option is next no I don't think there's anything better than row the idea I mean just look up in the sky what is it row they're rowing yeah is that gulliver rowing in the sky boy it must have been a really fun I mean just a fun time to hear what people were thinking I think we'll row everyone get on my umbrella plane and there is an

inventor named fair who came up with an airship held aloft by a bunch of kites we have a winner I've been to the future and I've seen cartoons kites the air ship what if there's no wind oh well you simply about that's when you'll um the um why do you ruin it no no no we've got this that we do too shush shush keep pitching now if there were not to be wind I'm leaving I'm also leaving I'm heartbroken we're both leaving their ship would tow a vehicle so kites holding aloft an airship that's towing a vehicle that's on the ground or sorry sorry sorry or when it's in water it's a boat if it's on land it's a cart over ice it's a

sledge did Alfred make this so that's how people get around they're not they're not on the ship being huddled off by the kites there they're being towed on the ground well we've already invented ground transportation so they're being towed by the kites I get it airship yeah no they're like kite surfing like a boat and then it moves yeah terrible right right now boats as far as far as I've been told they're very stationary no yes no the fuck I'm thinking of peers no no no the problem with the boats is that they've never moved I was thinking of peers and bridges I'm sorry I'm sorry I've invented a worse mode of

transportation to the one we already have who wants to ram into a cliff who doesn't miss 40 years ago Marius Michael patented harnessing a flock of pigeons to a triangular frame from which a passenger car would be hung the Flintstones theorem I believe that is correct I'm gonna stop declaring winners it seems like we're getting we're getting closer and closer for a long time so the idea was that you would basically I mean like harness the power of pigeon like it's great you know you're at that you laugh at it but I laugh at it environmentally sound well I will say this so are rowers what if we learned

fair what if we learned a long time ago that pigeon power could transport us we would be saving the environment look I mean it would take a long time look look I've said for a long time that I think pigeons are our solution to coal okay well I've been saying owls yes yours is obviously crazier okay I mean which is hard to do when we're talking about bird jets fair yeah I'm getting on my umbrella and I'm leaving all right I'll be on my kite car for a long time the United States patent of patent of us just granted patents for flying machines without even contemplating whether or not it was practical but then

over time they stopped doing that and by the way absurd began to be denied it does not it's not their job to tell you you're crazy it's to tell them if you're infringing on another person's shit I feel like there should be a your crazy office in the patent office and that person should have to tell you no well listen and I want that job I think we both agree that who we should be seeing some of these like whatever they are the pitches a couple months after their first story the San Francisco call wrote wrote again quote Dr. Charles Smith is more enthusiastic than ever before over his flying machine since he received a

telegram Wednesday from Washington DC informing him that a patent had been granted on his device for sailing through the air a company was incorporated even sailing through the air is just not a good way to be looking at this I think it's sailing a company was incorporated in this city last Saturday for the purpose of building Smith's airship navigating air vessels and carrying on a general business in them I.J. Truman president of the Colombian Bank and George T. Gaiden are among the stockholders and directors the attorney for the company is MMSD these were

well-known men and their inclusion meant the airships are feasible sure so they've sort of validate this process by just even being near it just because they're there it means that it's happening is rich people are investing if rich people are putting money into something it means it's real right right true Dr. Smith Colonel said his flying machine captain sorry Dr. Pilot Captain Colonel Smith right so lawyer said his flying machine could imitate a bird rising and falling and that it could be driven directly into a storm what okay so it let's say okay you live in hypothetical land and you're pitching

people a lot of hypotheticals you were not well how what is the storm thing we do other other flying ships have to go around the storm he's saying we're going through it why does his get to go through it it's important I've never seen birds fly through a storm really yeah really really yeah really you should get on my Al plane excuse me just within just months it was expected people would see the airships flying above and in November people did see things in the air San Francisco call yeah Sacramento November 17 1896 quote a vast amount of excitement was created among residents in the outskirts of the city tonight by

the appearance of what they claim to have been an airship which seemingly under perfect control passed over the city going towards the direction of San Francisco okay don't get don't you now Mr. Cocky no you're Mr. Cocky actually your Dr. Captain Cocky there were clouds in the sky that night so it was difficult to see the shape and size of the ship yeah interesting but people followed the lights on the ships the lights were visible for 30 minutes as the ship passed okay one witness quote when my attention was called to the traveling light it was about a thousand feet high but as it approached the city limits it

arose to probably an elevation of two thousand who's this person who knows nothing about what a thousand or two thousand is a witness and there's guy it was about a thousand and then it went to roughly two thousand maybe he's a science man yes I am yes maybe he has a depth eyeball yes and a long yardstick a crowd of workers from the streetcar company came out to look they said they heard people's voices singing in a chorus oh well this song slowly died away in the distance well say no more sounds more say no more does it not sound more real every moment now I know what we're dealing with boom an airquire okay G say

sorry hmm GC G say GC Snyder foreman of the company the streetcar company uh-huh quote of course I know that an aerial vessel of some description passed over this building at about 6 30 o'clock sure last night sorry first of all if you're saying 6 30 o'clock you shouldn't be a spokesman really cuz it's 1896 that's how we say things back 6 30 o'clock how we do things I got notes 1896 I saw the machine it was at two graded elevation for me to clearly discern its form but I basically saw the searchlight which was going directly into the wind okay other men said when the airship passed over them they could hear voices arguing over

whether or not they should rise higher how now okay go ahead there there's no way okay it's it can't be a thousand feet and you're hearing arguments it could be how loud are the oarsmen we don't know the oarsmen I mean how how loud are they I don't know you can hear singing maybe they're maybe they're looking down while they're arguing it just it's not it's Dave believe it or not I'm skeptical you're very skeptical very skeptical okay yeah an employee of the postal telegraph service saw the flying machine around 9 p.m. in Sui Sun which is between San Francisco and Sacramento or Swiss Sun Swiss in the

San Francisco call went in search of others who had seen the airship it was reported on November 19th 1896 that an old hunter named Brown living just west of Mount Tammel Pius had spoken to a reporter in Mount Tammel Pius that's where I grew up north just north of San Francisco shout out shout out to my homies what's up Fairfax all right relax do I look like a crazy man yes I don't expect anybody to believe me to tell the truth I can hardly believe myself it's an honest fact that yesterday morning when the fog began to lift I saw an airship right up there a couple hundred feet over them pines no I can't

tell you much what she looked like she didn't show very plainly through the mist but I saw a large dark shape with something moving in it don't know whether I saw any people or not it came on me so sudden I was almost stunned and by the time I collected my senses she was out of sight I have been kind of dazed ever since and to have you tell me that I don't look crazy is a great relief but I know that what I saw was an airship okay we asked if you were married I guess we'll take notes on what just happened a little bit stronger in Sacramento a Colonel H. G. Shaw of Stockton reported that he was driving his buggy when he

came across the spaceship spaceship grounded grounded he said it was a counterfeiter in length 25 feet in diameter diameter with a smooth metallic surface and came to a sharp point on both ends okay he said three strange beings who were seven feet tall and very thin approached him while making what he called a warbling noise do you know do you know what a warbling noises warbling yeah can you I would say a warble is a little bit like a thing landed they don't know that we don't speak their language and they're giving the grand speech

blah blah blah yeah we don't allow black people around here well I do think in 1896 of a Martian spaceship landed probably one of the first two things they'd say it's like we don't like black people also horses are amazing our two headlines so this man stumbles upon the flying machine and it's so they come out seven feet tall and seven feet guys and then they they warble they warble at him they look at his horse and his buggy sure they're probably like what a futuristic device and then they tried to force him on the airship right yeah of course well next step I mean they probably warbled at him

but he resisted interesting so he didn't want to get on the warbling ship and they couldn't get him on amazing that they've been able to sort of conquer space and time and yet they can't get a shithead on a ship yeah but he's low he's got a low gravity center oh he's heavier well he's more he's got trunk yeah he's more trunk got it compared to them okay yeah for sure no you can't there's no way they have that technology then they rush I mean when you come back um he says no I'll ask him then they rushed back onto their ship and they flew off pussies and Shaw believed they were from Mars yeah well listen who

doesn't like a good assumption take it take a stab at it sure two days later San Francisco attorney George Collins claimed that the airship was real we're suing the warblers and that one of his clients had invented it I mean what I mean we have a murder mystery now we have an attorney stepping forth he said soon it would be flown in the daylight so that everyone on San Francisco could see it so some so one person is saying that it's full of warblers and then someone else is saying that it's invented by his client yeah this is a non-warblers this is an attorney this is a legit attorney saying that a guy's

invented it and he's his client and soon he's gonna fly it over the city for everyone to see so the warblers are just sort of warblers are done point of critic contradiction okay Collins quote attorney Collins the inventors a very wealthy man who's been studying the subject of flying machines for 15 years and who came here seven years ago from the state of Maine in order to be able to perfect his ideas away from the eyes of other inventors yes just very normal yeah that is always in that overpopulated inventors state of Maine yeah hotbed of invention Maine well we I mean you know Apple almost started in

Maine that's what I'm talking about yeah that's where they built lobsters yeah that and that is actually what ended up happening Collins said his client had not yet secured a patent those application was now in Washington and so he's waiting to reveal himself and this client who's invented the flying machine he's gonna reveal himself when he actually gets the patent not until then this is exciting Collins said he had seen the flying machine okay quote the editor climbed into the machine and I saw it ascend from the earth very gently the wings flap slowly as it rose and then a little faster and it began to move

against the wind the machine what that's a bird hold on I saw bird and then all of a sudden it pooped white and it landed on my friend and he said it was good now it was a bird that's again was a bird the machine was on a perfect control all the time the machine had been flown to San Francisco and landed and it was still there guarded by three men also the inventor became seasick on the flight or air sick yeah they just want to call it well I think it's pretty easy to call it I think I think for years I think for years they're playing flying around going I feel seasick yes I wish we had another word for this I'm also

air sick on the boat which is strange on November 22nd in San Jose Frank Everett a young man said he saw the airship as it a few other people as soon as a local professor heard about it just after 7 p.m. he got out his telescope and quickly identified the airship as an ordinary everyday star Dave what what how how a how can this how honestly how how did how did they how are they confusing a star with something that was 200 feet over the pines is a different time the whole time it was just a star we'll know that one was right the one in San Jose that they were watching so what was that that's different than the other

one yeah the other ones are something else what are they we don't know gee the fuck damn it and the girl but wait four days after the first sighting it was reported that someone had seen the ship six weeks previously well it was a star no this is this is over San Francisco or Oakland a young woman was riding her bike in Oakland when she saw a strange-looking object in the sky with a powerful headlight an air train thank you yeah and the girl wasn't alone W. J. Rada and his wife who lived in a grocery store so two zero or two Broadway let's let's strike them from the dollar you'll get to live in a

grocery store and have a valid opinion that they didn't have anywhere else they had their grocery store and so they live there it was their grocery store it must have been all right I'm gonna go lay down in the melons all right I'll talk to you soon I'll be over I'm gonna go play cards in the grains can we get bad yeah of course we can get a bed of lettuce it's right over there and I lay down now you listen to me you little shit you stop it okay your mother and I are doing and everything that we can now if you don't like playing GI Joe's with your tomatoes that's on you I've made a boom boom in this cereal well that is

where the toilet is you're okay why don't we have no customers that is the thing that's puzzling us if we had customers we could get a house now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go piss on the grapes quote when we first saw it we thought it was a balloon and if it were not for the bright light I should still be inclined to think it was a peculiarly shaped balloon but I never this guy has a monocle for sure but I never knew of a balloon to carry bright lights and travel at night time the way it did balloon guy there is no night balloon where I'm from sir I'm suggesting someone's created a night balloon you

dare to me this mr. smart pants how would you put a light in a balloon foil it's a flying machine balloon guys great well I'd like to take a minute to talk about balloons I think a song called night balloon it's like this night balloon well I do you know any producers passengers in a streetcar also saw it when a little boy stood in the road and yelled gee whiz what's that oh god so he was on a movie lot gee whiz mr. what's that everyone then looked toward the sky the streetcar engineer said quote I was mystified I didn't lack to admit to myself that I had suddenly gone crazy

but really for a moment I did wonder if my senses had deserted me this is it is weird that is weird so I mean for them whatever they're seeing yeah and if it is something they're seeing it does make sense for you to be like I can't process that right still the balloon guy needs to get taken out the Chicago Chabune reported you mean the Chicago Tribaloon that no that's my paper it's not about it X at the headline this week balloons please stop talking about balloons absolutely after this last point about balloons the Chicago Tribune report a balloon reported on November 23rd that nothing was found at the patent office

regarding an application for a patent of the flying machine that was said to have been seen in Sacramento California so who's this lawyer and Chicago investors did not believe the reports sorry inventors Chicago resident Octavia chenute had been working on solving the flight problem for a very long time he said the whole idea was absurd quote air locomotion is not merely getting a vessel to rise in the air I do not believe this Western inventor whoever he is has mastered any single one of these problems that guy's angry yeah I like him well he's been surrounded by people who are talking about kite machines it

doesn't work he knows what he's talking about William Bozatov who also invented the albatross flying machine which had crashed two months previously also did not believe wait in the reports wait wait yes he the albatross flying machine that's correct he that's just correct he invented a flying machine and he did indeed call it the albatross I was going to call it the most fucked flying machine but then I thought of that bird hey everybody welcome to shit airlines I'll be your pilot now remember everybody we do not plan on landing yeah well technically is not gonna be landing we were originally to call this

hey we're going down airlines people didn't like that they did not like and remember the promise on albatross airlines there are none we're hanging around your neck cuz we're all gonna die albatross airline albatross air the shittiest name in the sky on the same day San Francisco papers reported that the airship was invented by EH Benjamin a wealthy eastern man okay Collins would not confirm if Benjamin was the inventor that's a sign and that he had to keep secrecy until word came from the patent office okay Collins quote the inventor is making big is making trips every night and has been doing so for

over two weeks and any night the people look into the sky they're likely to see him and another six days it is his intention to give the people of San Francisco a chance to see his machine he will fly it right over the city Cross Market Street a dozen times okay reveal yourself that's also very bad secrecy he's just saying he would not give any secrets away and now he's I'm not gonna tell you anything other than his flight plan it's just kind of how I roll you'll have to figure the rest out here's where he'll be and when good luck to everybody a general WHH Hart then came to meet with Collins okay general

Hart said he had seen them a flying machine in the air okay Hart himself may be been hard himself may have been less real than the airship he also claimed to have been kidnapped by Black Hawk Indians at the age of four after arriving from England okay when he was 11 he said he was orphaned okay you see the problem there but I do well unless they were just sick of him drop him off this I've been orphaned by the black the black Hawks took me and then we're so sick of me here I am I am now without parents which I have been for quite some time so anyway black go black Hawks go black Hawks go go go this led to a

desire for danger and he said he joined the Secret Service at the age of 14 which is when they take he also know that's the right time he also fought in the Civil War mr. President hmm I am about to I'm worried about a sniper and the changes that are happening to my body there's some my voice crackles and sometimes it's weird I don't want to bring this to the desk of president but let me see that um something weird happened when I was sleeping well I went to bed normal dry and uh I'm very wet after I had a dream about a lady I woke up really really I'm wet not your wife when gooey my skin hurts hard also

fought the Civil War on November 4th 1890 Hart had been elected as California Attorney General where he served until 1895 now that part's true wait what what is that he was like he was elected to be the California Attorney General when 1890 so like six years ago wait no not six oh so how old is he I don't know how old he is I didn't actually look that part of okay but that's a good call that while he's been around for a while he's not young so he just stopped being Attorney General of California now he's like hello I'd like to talk to you about airships yeah that's fine though there's nothing weird then the airship returned

ah on November 24th it was seen in Berkeley a large crowd gathered watching it and then it vanished again it was also seen that night by many people in Chico California way up in the northeast of the state it was moving quickly 50 miles away in the Red Bluff 50 people saw the airship and then watched it disappear over the mountains is there just like acid in the water and then next day it was reported that H.H. Hart was now in charge of the airship and Collins was out okay so the general ex Attorney General is now in charge of the airship but we still but we still don't know we still don't know who did it yeah

we do not it's a real who done it apparently the inventor thought Collins had talked too much and not intelligently okay agree with that he did sort of let it rip give me all the plans I can't say anything General Hart that announced that the airship would be used militarily in Cuba and indicated that Havana would be attacked first so he's like my predecessor was terrible at keeping things a secret like the idea that we'll be using them to bomb Cuba my god I said that whoops okay I'd also like to thank my wife for being here and her sister who I'm sleeping with whoopsie oopsie I should stop Mr. Mouth trying and I'd also like to

thank my Taylor whose hand I enjoy when it goes to my inseam and again I am saying too much I'm not trying to over reveal anything other than the fact that I have a hairy back get the microphone away from me I'm done talking please everyone I tried to suck my own dick good night everybody we haven't invented microphones yet oh thank God well then I have just talking to us oh thank God in a room and then get you guys out of my face I will say sometimes I do like to be watched when fornicating mr. Hart would not give the name of the inventor its location or how it flew then the San Francisco call reported that the inventor was

actually a man named Dee Catlin I knew it was gonna be Dee Catlin who was assisted by Dr. E. H. Benjamin and George Applegate okay some people believe Catlin was actually Smith interesting Dr. Smith Smith was then questioned by a reporter in his office in the sprockets building and the sprockets building which is the that's where he worked in the sprockets building so he works in the sprockets okay Dr. Smith said he had not seen the airship quote but I have no reason to doubt that it is an airship the people in this city and other cities have been in the heavens I've seen in the heavens for the past few nights I've

been experimenting on air machines for the past 48 years and have invented no less than 30 useful machines okay it's you guys are really being weird I've had a model running through the air I expect have machinery ready for business in the beginning of next April to make a trip across the continent I do not know who the inventor of the airship that people say they see flying through the atmosphere but when it is placed before the public it will I think be seen that is identical to the one I have described what what is that honest what is he even saying I'm saying it's not me but if it was me there would be one I have made

one but not one I've been in but I don't believe that another gentleman has but if he did it would be like the one that I've made hello yes what I'm saying is I am not the man in the flying machine though I have made like 80 and I would like to take them out on trips but the one sir these so in other words these are not yours and if I wasn't it I would not nobody saying you're in it this had this mustache what are you sir is it your machine no I know no sir I said this what the answer is no it's not your machine did I not say no well you've said a lot of things is it seen in the skies above San Francisco yes not my

machine right okay I have made over 80 flying machines that's where it's getting strange again not to fly accepted night but not that's when they were these nights or over the city in other places leaving here going there in a flying machine but not ready for people others that was not mine my gosh I miss the balloon man so that was weird why it was then Los Angeles this is turned to see the airship on November 26th the Los Angeles Herald quote the now thoroughly famous airship has apparently passed over the Tachby range and was seen in Southern California last night by three persons of excellent reputation non-liars

one of these is George Smith the book dealer on 2nd and Main Street hey want to buy a book who insists that he saw the airship and its lights while on a pass it in the streetcar last night Walter F. Parker secretary of mayor a raider insists that he saw the airship while stargazing I was doing my usual stargazing booking up into the sky thinking about mayor old mayoral things you know having a look up there then suddenly my field of vision oh I saw flying owl what is this what is being held in the sky by owls Matilda come quickly something's interrupted by

stargazing and Robert Kern the well-known innkeeper also adds his testimonial to the general credence of the reports made none of these gentlemen ever gaze on the wine when it's red hence their story does not need an affidavit they never gaze on the wine when it's round and that is a turn of phrase that no one's to use I'll tell you what I love gazing on some red god damn I'll stare at that shit you know what I mean hey wine how you doing girl a remarkable feature of all the stories I know the lights were all seen at the same time and each individual describes exactly what the others saw triple

lights dancing in a zigzag way and moving on parallel lines from northwest to south sweet bastard is this just is it just going to be lights is it just gonna be like when they have spotlights outside of a premiere well they don't have spotlights back then well but they don't have flying machines back then you know okay that's what on December 3rd professor Samuel Langley secretary of the Smith Smithsonian Institute who is said to be the one recognized authority on aerial navigation okay said the story was a fake I'm going to need more closure than that please though he had only read newspaper reports he was convinced there

was nothing to the story quote professor Langley undoubtedly knows about the difficulties of aerial flight his own working model called the aerodrome made a continuous flight of one mile last September with strong promise of better things professor Langley has worked at his problem for years and spent a great deal of money in his experiments his own money just as freely as he has used that of the Smithsonian Institute or his wealthy scientific friends he was clearly a great mind right and the authority on aerial navigation quote I spent many hours experimenting upon little toys based on a French flying

toy by twisting strands of rubber which in untwisting turned a little propeller wheel made of a couple of feathers I tried the same thing again and again on a larger scale my object being to secure horizontal flight in free air but I did not find out a great deal the rubble rubber models flew so irregularly and for so short a time that I could not learn much from them just the idea that he's taking 45 second flights with rubber band propeller I am leading I am the Smithsonian seen as the expert on aerial flight and I and putting rubber bands on feathers and the like also the idea that if a rubber band

like unwinds at a different rate like if you have two you can I mean it's like nailing a foot into the floor potentially it's a fucking idiot yeah just a guy getting money who's an idiot but he's closer right is not closer to anything the propeller thing is new it's nice he's fucking twisting around a bunch of feathers so sniffing around it's not trying to make it a flappy winged bird it's fucking the same thing it's closer to what we use well with like a helicopter no well planes in general I mean nothing like it he's not but it's like fundamentally it's closer to what we have now then like our play when we go

to play and they don't flap their wings twisting strands of rubber which in untwisting turned a little propeller yeah wheel made of a couple of feathers look I'd not say he's done it okay he's not done it okay he's closer though in 1898 based on the success of his models Langley would receive a War Department grant of 50,000 and 20,000 for the Smithsonian to develop a piloted airplane I mean that really says a lot when you're like he's our best bet well this guy's on it this guy's our best bet look the fucking excuse me nobody's been replying to my balloon letters okay this open this door this is the guy I'm

talking about please also behind him as a pigeon guy it's not about balloons move I was here first he's not a pigeon he just I'm kind of freaked out by the pigeon man he's gone off the rails the New York Times then reported that there were no airship patents from California now pending before the patent office okay on January 10th 1897 General H.H. Hart said that two of the three airships built by his client we're now why wouldn't you just go H.H.H. that's a good question triple H but it's W it's technically it's W.H.H. Hart oh it's more yeah yeah I just go H triple H so and he's just our best so their ships two of them are in

Cuba ready for dropping you know boom-booms our wait we're gonna drop bombs on we're going to drop bombs on Cuba with our flying machines yeah well we're it soon we'll go to war with Spain so right that'll be exciting he said any day now he expected to hear of an aerial attack on Spanish forces in Havana but there were no there was no airship attack on Cuba as we know from our historical records then in February an airship was seen over Hastings Nebraska okay so they're back and now they're in the middle of the country from Cuba I guess is where they went right I don't even I mean I think so and in April there

was flying over Kansas for whatever reason those reports were not getting much attention then it was being seen all over the Midwest Illinois Indiana Iowa Wisconsin Arkansas Louisiana North Texas so what I mean among those who reported seeing the lights in Chicago were Max Christensen Joseph Sarcevic and L Wicker a clerk in Keats drugstore well these are some big names thank you these are gets this is it a list now we're on to something now I'm buying it it passed over Chicago and headed eastward it has strange green light which was seen by thousands of people okay that same light in Lake Mills Wisconsin sorry that same

night in Lake Mills Wisconsin it was seen by many people okay it was visible about 10 minutes and then disappeared behind some trees I mean what is what they're you guys have big trees up there oh yeah your tree people there's a lot of trees at Wasaw Wisconsin was saw was saw yeah at Wasaw Wisconsin about 50 people saw an airship it had lights and was shaped like an egg morgue that's where we're going it's more kissing it yeah I knew it finally something I know about the story of and his leader Orson on April 13th it was reported thousands of people in Chicago were watching the skies every night and

then an estimated 10,000 people saw a moving white light that shimmered as it raced across the sky Jesus that is Jesus as the Jesus it's the Lord Jesus he figured out how to fly like an egg he's in an egg Jesus came as an egg and then he burst forth and flew over Chicago I've got an idea for Easter get out of here get baited on April 10th 1897 the St. Louis post dispatch published a story that a WH Hopkins came across a grounded airship about 20 feet in length near Springfield Missouri okay you ready I'm dying it had three large propellers and was crewed by a beautiful nude woman and a bearded man also

nude oh okay Hopkins we needed to drop weight we took on too much weight Hopkins tried to talk to them asked did the first people to fly make the mile high club yeah Hopkins asked try to talk to them ask me where they came from they finally both attempted with some difficulty to communicate both pointed to the sky and quote uttered something that sounded like the word Mars oh my god so that that seems pretty spot-on these are Martians yeah nude Martians yeah sure why would they need clothes they're from and they're human looking she had nice ones and he had a beard okay in the farm farmersville Texas city

Marshall Brown was making his rounds when the airship passed over him about 200 feet up kill it mr. Brown could see two men in the space ship and the fuck what look like a large newfoundland dog oh Dave Dave airbud he was close enough to hear them talking are they just not investigating anybody who's there's just no consistency I look I'm all for Martian dog people and for nudist from Mars what about and for the warblers okay warbler but how is there no this could all be this could just be different groups it

could be like a like a mad mad mad race across the space that's your cannonball run through the sky my cannonball run well we're gonna get this right we're gonna get there first as long as this dog doesn't mess it up he was close enough to hear them talking but cannot understand their language the dog language I don't know what she's saying I think there's trouble near the well no you idiot meanwhile the New York Times began making fun of the entire thing quote that airship is visible nightly the correspondence in all parts of Illinois Wisconsin Michigan Indiana and Iowa an aerial Voyager evidently is

a mastermind of high development for it exists in a dozen places at once and has a different appearance at each one if the airship persists it will run itself it will run into itself and suffer serious injuries and people probably read that we're like oh my god oh we're gonna lose our sky dogs she's gonna crash into our naked people oh no come on thin man save us still the incidings went on the Daily Herald April 16th 1897 quote Dallas Texas Dallas tonight is wavering between science and revelations over the airship okay it passed north of the city two night at eight o'clock and and was witnessed by

hundreds including such men as Judge A.T. Watts and Dr. R. C. Copish who describe it as being only about two inch or few from the ground and similar to the airship scene in different parts of the country that my favorite thing about the story is is that apparently in the just before the 1900s the way to prove something is true is to say a judge or a doctor saw it there is a big foot and we know it cuz the judge saw it learned man he's guilty of existing I sense him into a life in the forest then on those a big foot yeah then on April 17 1897 tragedy a newspaper reported that at 6 a.m. the citizens of Aurora watched as

the airship appeared and then flew rather slowly over the town then it started going down and it collided with quote the tower of Judge Proctor's windmill and went into pieces with a terrific explosion scattering debris over several acres of ground wrecking the windmill and water tank and destroying the judges flower garden boy the pilot of the ship is supposed to have been the only one aboard the dog and while his remains were badly disfigured enough has been picked up to show that he was not an inhabitant of this world he's a chicken man isn't he so there you go a historical marker at the Aurora cemetery reads

this site is also well known because of the legend that a spaceship crashed nearby in 1897 and the pilot killed in the crash is buried here what did he look like what was what did we have not an inhabitant of this world what did we have like a big skull what we got long fingers spaghetti legs not an inhabitant of this world what do you look like spine spikes and dog knees on his elbows elbows on his knees then two mouths then no nose right after 30 years in April the airship stories just slowly faded away good good well closure and that was the end of it perfect many believe the airships were the first mass UFO sightings

in U.S. history Arthur Allen Dan Alec wrote a book in 2009 that made the case that they were built by an unknown person and funded by a wealthy investor everything was kept secret in case of failure it was a prototype passenger carrying airship he explains using the technology of the time how they would have been built he believes the inventor was making short test flights from West to East he also states the flights ended abruptly in April because it crashed they also could have been government experiments and the airships were deemed unusable or spacemen specifically a nude guy and his dog dog Martians traveling

around the country looking for beer listen I am definitely on board for our Martians being naked bearded dudes with dogs yeah that's the point we come bringing you chillness hey what's up bro you know what planet I'm from we require two things water for my crew and some dank ass nugs tequila bro come on we from planet Cinco de Mayo we come to planets looking for parties and tequila what is up we bring you limbo sticks and lays have you heard of Dave Matthews give them some of our punch he's in a band we bring you Dave Matthews what the hell is this shut up Dave play so it I would love I wish my buddy Steve Berg

had heard this because I guarantee you the second you said that he would just be like there's obviously Martians oh is he a is he a Martian oh no every I mean you could yeah you literally it'll just be like what's that and he's like well honestly it's a tear on the fabric of time it's honey like oh god he's like I don't believe mine well I mean there's obviously something happened no one knows that one did that thing something crashed it's hard to know though be right isn't it hard to know yeah yeah I mean you don't know it could be fucking UFOs I don't know if there's UFOs I do I do what do you think let's get into that

first thing I think I think that that that the probably the government or someone was experimenting with some sort of do you believe in UFOs no because I think if UFOs came here they would much like as we have read in our history on the dollop when we come to places we rule we destroy everything that's what they would do here they'd be like we're gonna take all your shit well okay now you have foes and your fuck yeah we would be amazing we'd be it would be like we've got you Fritos and lemonade they'd be like you are gross and don't deserve earth but do you believe in life on other planets and stuff yeah I don't

know if it yeah I'm sure there's been life on other planets but who knows how long I'm starting to get the feeling that intelligent life on planets doesn't last that long and that is all based on Twitter oh well I don't know I mean I feel like we're gonna last forever yeah bro well it doesn't really matter like how we sustain our existence what matters is when does the next season of the voice start look we are so at the very beginning of the movie Wally yeah well that it I mean it has a good ending I was a I think I might have said this before I was watching Wally on a plane and I was flying first class and they

give you those little tea it's like that like the TVs that you I mean this is probably like eight years ago or something but they it wasn't they didn't have the TV in the seat they'd almost give you an apparatus where you could like watch your little box TV and so I'm in a reclined seat in first class and I got my food and so I had my food like right next to me and I'm like kind of wolf and food down and I have a TV on my stomach and I'm watching Wally and then they go to the scene where it's just the fat people on the ship whizzing around in reclined chairs eating lots of bullshit watching the monitors in front of

them and I was like oh no oh no yeah that's good yeah well cool well let's not I mean you know the great all right sometimes there's no closure in these I understand that I wanted to do this one for a long time and I want to find out what it was but you never know there are even my to my buddy Steve what he would say there are like references to you know things in the sky in the Bible and writings around that time you know there's like you know I mean there are who knows there could be fucking I think they're well to me I think like if you look at it and I mean just from you know I think if you look at the odds I'm

like how you know how is there not I mean there has to be like we're finding like new earths like we are and we're not the most intelligent being in the galaxy for sure but we're like finding like other climates that we're like on planets we're like hey we could I mean if we could you know move all that one does you hope yet I mean that that is what's amazing too you would think in the world that we live in that the one thing we would maintain is funding for space programs and space travel outside of everything else that we would be like you know we would cut some war budgets or whatever because we're like look we

have over partied at this apartment and we're talking we're not going to get our security deposit back yeah we're just looking to straight up yeah but then it just we wouldn't move just be a bunch of rich people get on a ship well that's the thing that's why people eat each other that's why what I'm probably even saying as a plan is probably already the plan they're already going like yeah we'll make the move to second earth and we're like when are we gonna talk about moving and they're like oh we don't need to move no no no we don't need to move at all we just wake up one day and we're like hey where's all the

rich people they're gonna ghost us we're gonna reach they are going to ghost us we are going to wake up one day to a dear John and they're just gonna be gone and we'll just be like who's our president they'll be like Trump figured out try it's just Trump yeah Trump's like the only guy they left for some reason I was left off of the space mission so if anyone's listening up there I'm ready I've got a briefcase full of gold and steaks so if you guys could beam me up however we're doing it I don't know why they'd forget one of the greatest minds I don't even see them which is shocking they're not even there

anymore as far as I could see all right well we tried we signed spaceships we signed spaceships I'm gonna turn off the recording device this set of my computer