The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 193 - The Past Times with Ronn Vigh

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Ronn VighSOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHNutrafol - Use code: DollopSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the past times. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here each week. We go through a newspaper from a random date in history, picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. Igarth Reynolds have never seen it. And neither has this week's guest.

That's the great Ron. Bye. Ron, you back, baby. I am back. Speaking of backs, you got four pillows under yours. My whole personality, okay, I'm only 47. But I have the person, I've gotten to antiquing recently. Sure, wow.

But the biggest thing about my aging gay personality is that I cannot go anywhere without multiple pillows under me and behind me. Now, wait, you don't go antiquing with the pillows in your arm, sort of. I go antiquing for old pillows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's with the antiquing? Where did this come from? I mean, I don't have any money, so I can't, like, do, like, real antiquing. Right.

But, you know, sometimes a lot of antique stores I find will literally, like, tear pages out of old catalogs. It was like, oh, that's a pretty bird. Well, you are on a Dell computer, so that feels like it maybe falls in line with the antiquing a little bit. Yes, I got that at an antique store. And the reason why I was a couple minutes late is because my Commodore 64 computer was not working. So I went with... The Lionel Richie of computers. And then do you go antiquing with your partner?

Is this, are we doing this together? Is this a solo Ron activity? Okay. So I had a gig in New Hope, Pennsylvania area. Sure. And I'd never been there before. And a farmer's markets are now a big part of my personality. Isn't it funny about comedy?

15, 20 years ago, you were getting shit-faced between every show and you were drunk and you can't do anything. And now between the early and late show, I'm trying to get my steps in. And I can go for walks. And honest to God, the most relatable thing is how pathetic. Like, as you get older, you're like, hey, it used to be about banging people. And now you're just like, I got to get the bed. I got to be in bed.

It's so crazy how it was like turned around because comedy is not really a healthy lifestyle. And it's still hard because you go and I literally did an early show, went and got all my steps in around the complex, then went back to the green room, ate two baskets of mozzarella sticks. And then, but the antiquing thing, it's not that we're hardcore, but we're starting to have an appreciation for things of the past. And I had this gig in the New Hope, Pennsylvania area, and that's a lovely area full of really expensive antique stores. And that is where we sort of weren't inspired. Oh, and the other person, part of their old personality is that we really love going for ice cream. You know, we used to stop at bars at midnight when I am, and now we're looking for ice cream places. But then the biggest part of this is we're always complaining about the ice cream.

We're never satisfied with the ice cream. Never? There's got to be so much. Hardly ever. Hardly ever. And it's the weirdest complaints too. We're like, this is a little too creamy for me. That's great.

I love that you're both on the same page with that. Well, and then I just found out too. I thought it was just me. I was trying to not let this part of my personality shine so much. but then I found out that my boyfriend does it too. And that is we really enjoy writing strongly worded emails about customer service experiences now. Oh, my God.

So much that my boyfriend calls me coupon Karen. Uh-huh. And I just found out, like last night, that he hasn't paid for flowers on Instacart and, like, 15 deliveries because he always takes a picture. It's like, this one's wilted, and then it's just, boom, it's free. And maybe I shouldn't say this out loud. I think you're fine.

He's an otomist. I think you're okay. I don't think DoorDash is... But by the way, you could probably make that complaint with most flour. I mean, they're flowers. I actually had never done a complaint on anything.

And I ordered DoorDash. And one of the items was missing. So it was like a pretty big deal. And so I just said, hey, whatever, half a chicken's missing. And then they... Half a chicken is a weird thing to... Well, you order.

Sure, you order it. And they just... gave it to me for free. And then I was like, well, wait, so did the restaurant just get fucked? Like, what just happened there? Does DoorDash take the hit? Does the guy not get the tip? Who's getting fucked here?

Here's who's not getting fucked. No, DoorDash is definitely not getting fucked. Well, this is my rule about it. I never will complain about like a mom and pop or a small business. But if it's a corporation, like United Airlines, they don't give a shit about us. Go complain about it. There's only something to find on every flight. There's like a little spot on your trade table or whatever.

Take a picture. Boom, 2,500 miles. Who doesn't need miles? No, it's shocking sometimes. I have, when I was talking to someone who worked for United at one of my shows, and I was like, are they cleaning the planes in between? And she was like, no. Not at all.

I was like, what are they? Like, there's the people with the trash. They're like, they try to get trash, but that's it. So they are just like the bathroom keys at this point. The thing that really weirds me out is the headrest and the, when people lean their head against the wall because sometimes you can see the little grease stain and you're like, oh. Oh, well, let me tell you, okay, you know, I was a former flight attendant.

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, something new. Did you talk about that on this before? I don't think I've heard that. Last time, I think we heavily focused on my bowling champion. I remember that. I remember that. Okay, so you were a flight attendant.

I was a flight attendant. And one thing that happens is that you see a lot of gross people. And, you know, you'd be on a red eye. or a night flight or some sort of flight where people are trying to get some sleep and I'm just sitting in the back galley and all of a sudden I see these toes wiggling. It was very popular for people

to walk into the airplane laboratory with no shoes on. I'm like, what are you doing? You're gonna go in there with 10 toes and leave with 12. It is so disgusting. I... Without socks.

I was just... Yes. That's just crazy. It's crazy. That's just... I mean, I'm a piece of shit and that is fucking disgusting. thing. I mean, you see weird things. I saw lady breastfeeding her kitten. I'm pretty sure.

Her kitten? Yes, her kitten. I just know that like under her shirt, there was like this sort of like lump thing. Who gets a kitten on a plane, let alone decides to tit feed it? You would 100%. I know. I just saw Titty and Kitty right there. And it, it was. Oh, that is. Gareth would do that. That's life material right there. If Gareth had lactating breast, he would 100% do that with his cat. And I'll tell you, it's not from a lack of squeezing. I'm trying to get something out of there, but it's just blood. It's a nightmare. Ron. Wait, speaking of Antiguing, I want to do this. Oh, yeah. So someone made us a little,

it's a little chair modeled after my father's chair that he used to sit in and fart. And it's, and there was, excuse me, it was by Jamie hearing this. So thank you, Jamie. I want to say thank you. Yes, thank you, Jamie. Yeah. Oh, I thought that was, I thought you're going to ask Ron like to appraise it or something. No, no, I'm sure he would appraise it. Really hard. This is out of his... This is out of his affordability range.

It's a fact show. I am not that type of antiquing gay. I just kind of point at things and be like, that's not too dusty. Ron, if someone were to come to your show and bring you some antique thing, if a listener from our audience, what would be the dream antique gift? Yeah, what's your dream antique gift? Oh, I really like old airplane stuff. Interesting.

Okay, so anyone listening? Maybe bring you some of the extra toes or something like that. Like a Pan Am bag or something? Yes, I used to, I don't have it anymore. I've kind of like had a purge of things, but I used to collect these like old airplane bags. And I would have like 15 to 20 of them. But I don't need a lot of junk. I just, I need functional antiques nowadays.

Like, I need like an, okay, see, I keep talking about antiquing, but I don't know what half the stuff is. I'm a bad gay. I was going to say like an old armoire, but I don't know what that is. It's like a closet. It's like a closet. Well, a bad gay knows about the closet. Good Lord. Yeah, it's like, it's like a, it's like a big, a big cabinet.

But it's like a, it's like, you know what it is. No, I don't. I mean, you. It's like a. It's like a. This is all a facade, you guys. Okay, let's stick to the air. So if our fans listen and they want to bring something to Ron's show,

where can people find you online, Ron, to see your dates? Because you are fucking hysterical. I think most of my profiles are Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, R-O-N. I think they are. R-O-N-N-I. I need a person. I need someone to handle me. Thank you. But if someone goes to your show, bring you an airplane.

I don't think we can count on them to bring you an armoire. I just think it's a big ass. Big ass. Yeah, I think the airplane stuff is... That's safe. No, I want him to bring... I want someone to bring him an armoire. All right, fuck it.

Bring up Ron an armoire. You don't even know what it is, but bring it to him for God's sake. From the 1500s. Bring him a Baroquean armwar. Well, Ron, you know what we do here on the past times. Pastimes, sort of antique in a way as well. So you should be good at this. We're going to go through an old newspaper.

You're going to guess the year. I'm going to guess the year. Dave's going to say you win because he's got a major attitude problem, and it needs to be adjusted, and it will be adjusted. But, Ron, any year could be 1800s, 1900s, whatever, 1700s. Take a guess, Ron. I'm going 1908. It's a good guess.

I'll go 1891. Oh, Ron wins. It's 1896. Like what? You were under. That's like allowed. No, this was reverse prices, right rules, this one. Okay, congrats, Ron.

You were under, you had to be over. Thank you. What do I win? Is there an ND? You get an armoire! A new armwre! But it's new to you, Ron, not new to anybody else. That's right. This armwar, who knows what it is?

It might be a movable closet. The point is it's got a bunch of drawers and places for you to put all your things, Ron, including your back pillows and your Dell computers. What are we? It's the Chicago Chronicle, April 8th, 1896. Okay. Wants him to wed or settle. Oh, I get this.

That sounds like the same thing. Ida Toulis says Valentin Flodding Jr. failed to keep his agreement. Ida Tullis brought suit here today against Valentin. Ida Tullis sounds like a fake journalist. name. It does. Ida tell us. Brought a suit here today against Valentin, Flotting Jr.

For $5,000 in damages, alleging breach of promise. She asserts that on two occasions they had arranged to be married, but that both times Valentin failed to appear. How do you, how... Second one. Yeah, the second one, why would you be there for the second one? The fool me, can't get fooled again.

You can't... Well, you know, the last chance. I mean, I think it's... I get, I think two's the max. Not on a wedding. Two's the max. I'm not showing up a third time. No, no way. Really?

Yeah, I love you. No way. But I love you. Yeah, why didn't she go back for this? I wish she was here so Ida can tell us. I'd, uh, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm not showing up for one.

So what do I know? Wow. Yeah, not doing it. Sorry. Wow. So this is what we put into papers in 19. 1896. That's what he put in.

Imagine now we're texting. People don't show up. Yeah. He ghosted me twice. Human ghosting. Put it in the centennial. No. I mean, also I'll say this.

It depends on how many, if you're doing a big invite list, two is fucked up. Two is real fucked up. Yeah, it doesn't say where. That feeling on that second one when you're looking at the clock

and you're going, hopefully he's just 10 minutes. late. Oh my God. Yeah. Five thousand's a lot. But also, can we talk about how great it is to eat a whole wedding cake alone drunk? That's got to be a good feeling. I used to cater, so I've done that. Oh, that is nice. Just take the cake out the back. Yeah, beat it up. Just fuck it up in a parking lot. Yeah, fuck it up in a parking lot. A bottle of cognac. I feel like catering people are probably a lot like how like poor flight attendants were like back of my day was you take anything that you can find that was left over. so often on like overnight trips my diet was four turkey sandwiches that I've been out for 12 hours

what about the little bottles of booze Ron were you taking those with you uh no not back then but now I would so when I was uh catering I found the rules back then that's wild when I was catering first I was a bartender then I was a supervisor so I would just grab the whatever the top shelf booze was and put one in my bag. And so I was doing it for two years. When I left New York, I was like, let's have a party. And people came in and they're just like, what the fuck? I'm like, yeah, have a drink, take a bottle.

I had so many fucking bottles at Topshop. That's awesome. That is awesome. I had a similar thing, except I was known for having parties with bowls of viking. Sure. It's the same thing. Hell yeah. It's the same thing.

And now you have back pain. The fate has. twisted. I used to bartend and there was a guy who was very ill and he lived across the street and his only thing that he could do every day was just walk into the bar and that was it. But I would give him freebies every now and then and he got a lot of pills from the government so he would hand me an envelope full of his pills, his left other bills. And I was in my 20s, so I'm like, yeah.

Pills to pay the bills. Yeah, exactly. They were like my skittles. And so I just had a surplus. So I started having parties. And they were very gay parties. So it was like stuffed mushrooms, deviled eggs. I like it.

By the way, I've never, that might be the best pitch for gay I've heard. I'm very, that sounds phenomenal. Well, and you know, I'm a bad gay in a sense that I don't, most gays don't jive with me. Because, like, for instance, I'm huge in a fantasy football. I'm already in three leagues. Oh, is that right? Yeah, I'm a big football fan And you know, matter of that

Do you tell, is that a thing You hide from the other gays? Do you shield that so they don't know? Well, I mean, Are you a closeted fantasy football player? I'm not. I'm obnoxious about it. I'm out when I open to everybody.

And here's the thing. I propose that we take the fantasy football apps and like design them like grinder and trick the gays. And if we just put the things in the little boxes and we someone get on this like someone's like what the hell i just started kelsey wait a minute looking for penis it's so fucking funny to be like accidentally you just drafted a team but i'm so obnoxious uh about it too uh i get really i for for example the first you know week is coming up uh in a week or so from now and as soon as i win

in my first match. I'm not going to be like, yeah, I got you. Because it's all straight guys. I get really and I'm like, yeah, I told you I was going to beat you. And now I'm going to go screw your wife. I like, I get so, I shit talk. You become straight. You get straight. You your shit talk is straight. Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm, yeah, I'm afraid because tonight I'm joining a bowling league for the first time in almost 30 years. Sure. You're still doing it. Yeah, well, no, I got to go get my balls drilled right after they. That sounds weird. It does sound weird. I didn't. I didn't even, first of all, I didn't even know that was a possibility.

Yeah, that's awesome. So maybe I am a good guy. Maybe I'm just a good guy. Yeah, drilling holes and balls. I'm proud of you. All right, David, shall we? All right. Oh, just did that one.

Oh, did I say, no, we did that one. Okay. Big men for the police force. Two urge to apply. 2 urge to apply. Two tall men appeared at the rooms of the Civil Service Commission yesterday, and both were advised to make application for positions in the police department. One is six feet ten.

Because they're tall. Yeah. Profiling. One is six feet. Just like the cops. Ten and three quarters inches. Holy shit. That's for 1896, too.

That is shocking. Dude, you need to be bawling. Yeah. You need to, that you should be all about bawling. and other Charles Erickskin of 3003 Portland Avenue is 6 feet 5 inches tall and weighs 228 pounds. The former is 240 pounds. First of all, you start with the 6-5

and then you go to the 6-10. You mean in the article. Yeah, you don't start with the 6-10. Because 6-10 is crazy. For that time, but you're like two people. You're two people. Shocking. Probably was two people in like a trench coat.

You're perfect. You're a perfect cop. Oh, both applicants wanted to become firemen, but they were told they were too large. Interesting. I never thought about a height required. We got to get through doors and doors then. There's no way doors are made for six-tenners. That makes sense.

I wish we could do that now. I wish we could just have someone like, I don't want to apply for a job. If there was just someone that pointed at me, he told me what I was fit for. You, fireman. What would, Ron, what would, okay, so if someone points at you randomly, what is the best, job to get assigned. If some random person is going around a sort of job Gestapo. Is there a man who arranges pillows on chairs? Yeah. Is it going to be antique? Someone who's just like, you're going to find old bowling balls.

Probably, I don't know what they would look at. They'd probably be like a holistic cat food supplier or something. I give that vibe with this cardigan. I feel like I'm about to leave here at the pot and then go like make granola. with my cat or something. I'm going to pitch, Ron. Maybe start wearing an apron as just an outfit sometime. I think that might look at a pencil behind the ear. Walk around town.

I think it's going to work well. I think it would. An apron? Yeah. Like he's like mid, like he's a stocking. Is he wearing anything else besides the apron? No, just an apron.

Sorry, that sounds like those dreams that you always have when you go to school, like naked, right? Yes. Yeah. But I'm like halfway there. That gives me like very sexy Starbucks barista advice. What I'm talking about. Why can I not open?

Oh, gay Starbucks where all the baristas are in the green aprons, but nothing underneath them. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. And then you get to order, you get to order your barista as a grande or a venti. And they froth the milk, but with their penis. Like the, yeah. Do they make the noise? No hot beverages, I guess.

guess, yeah. You know, what do you get if you order an extra shot? You know what you get. It would be a great job. Gareth Reynolds, the pastimes, is brought to you by Nutriffel. Nutriful, of course, is the number one dermatologist's recommended hair growth supplement brand, and it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used. By dermatologist, bam.

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gets in there, targets the root causes, and it just makes it look good. It just makes it look good. I get so many compliments on my hair now. Oh, yeah. Gareth does too. He's been using it also.

Yeah. People are, people are, it's kind of taken over my life. Yeah. So look, here's what we're saying. You're going to go get yourself some reachful. You will see thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months.

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You make it happen. Beautiful. Okay. Rioting at the polls. Oh, God. Get used to that. That's why we need ice there. This was really big back then.

Rieting at the polls? Yeah, they would always fight at the polls. Right. Many disturbances took. Is there a picture that goes along with this one? Yeah, it's a guy. It's a picture of two people fighting. Well, that guy's got a peg leg, so that's interesting.

A guy with a guy with a peg leg is fighting a cop. Yeah, hitting a cop with a stick. And how tall is that cop? Six, five. There's no scale. He's definitely taller.

He's leaning down a little bit. He's getting his ass kicked by the peg leg voter, though. Yeah, he is. As it should be. Yeah. Like, I'll put it up for Ron. Just so you know, Ron. Just so you know what we're doing with image-wise.

Enjoy, Ron. Oh, nice. Yeah. It's a good. seems like it happened I mean the drawing is pretty good I love the shading and back

yeah so many discernments took place in the first second 17th 18th 19th

and 22nd wards and nearly 30 persons were slightly injured wow the scenes of disorder in these words grew out of the bitter

aldermani aldermanic I guess what's it is aldermatic contests chief bad knock sent an extra detail of policeman to all precincts where trouble was expected. Very few complaints were made against the officers for interfering with voters.

Hmm. That doesn't seem right. No. Never does, does it? Unless they're saying that they did a good job and everyone was fine with them. And it doesn't seem like how it goes. Yeah. The police endeavored as far as possible to enforce the rule,

which prevents the massing of crowds of people within 100, feet of polling places and where this was done such writing as took place did not disturb the process of the election. This is like Trump's wet dream. Yeah. After, oh, Dawson's skull fractured, after this, the fights were only trivial brawls resulting in bleeding noses or black. Trivial brawl. Or blackened eyes. That does not sound like a trivial brawl. That sounds like a brawl. No, it's a, with bleeding noses or blackened eyes. Like that's not, that's not a brawl. But I guess back then they're like, his skull wasn't cracked. Yeah, yeah.

He's going to live. He's got an eye. Yeah. Went until 3 o'clock when James Dawson staggered into the De Plain Street police station with blood covering his clothing and pouring over his face from a gash in his head. So that sounds. That seems, yeah, violent. Yeah, for sure. He's serious.

Yep. He told the police. You're coming from a trivial brow. What are you doing, bleeding? Yeah, fine. He told the police that he had a little trouble with Joseph Kelly, a cripple, known as pegleg. Jesus Christ. God, no, no.

I mean, peg leg works. Like, it is a peg leg. Yeah, I don't, I mean, I think the reason why it works is because we really don't have the peg leg anymore. But I bet you if people still had wooden appendages now, we would be like, they prefer to be called below. kneecap stick or something like that you know what I mean we'd be like I'm sorry what about stick leg I don't love it true pegleg's tough peg leg but I think I would want I think I would call it a peg leg if I had a peggard caft like pegleg's fine you're saying it too much now I'm actually starting to think it's wrong what if he just named your kid pegleg even though they didn't know pegleg right

Would you tell Dave to stop? His views are so old that you should buy them. Would you buy an antique pegleg if you came across one? Would you? Say you're antiquing and there's a peg leg there. Are you buying it? Sure. Why not?

I mean, here's the deal. If it has a good back, you can sell me on a backstory. All right? It can be total bullshit. It's like when you go to New Orleans or something. I don't really like New Orleans, but everywhere. There's, every way you passed, there's like some sort of tour. And they're like, oh, in 1842, you know, and then something, a little girl named Lisa died in a fire here.

And now she floats over to house and haunts it. And this is a great haunted house of Boozerland. And it's like, I will buy something. Just sell it. I love a backstory. In Iceland, there is a waterfall. Okay. There's a waterfall.

And you're like, oh, this waterfall blows off course and always to the west. So if you notice, it should go this way, but it goes that way instead. And that is because it is haunted by a ghost dog that blows it in the wrong direction. I'm like, it can also be wind. Wind. No. Wind is a factor. It's a ghost dog.

But you can tell me that and then you sell me a trinket of a ghost dog, I will buy it. Like, I'm huge. I'm like a roadside attractions gay now, too. That's a very small sect. A roadside attractions gay. Oh, my God. I had a gig. I took a New Year's gig in Oklahoma, of all places, to share.

And nothing was better than that old Route 66. Like, it's all garbage, all of these old, like, little, like, weird, like, statue things. And I loved it. I'm, like, I don't know what it is, and I'm hugging it. There's so many. Oh, that's so fucking great. Hugging. Someone's interested in their trash.

Like, this guy's awesome. But they just made stuff up. They would just be like, here's the world's biggest cement pie. You're like, okay. Yeah. Well, behind me is, there's three pictures,

and those pictures are from something called Lucy the Elephant, which is a roadside attraction in Margate, New Jersey. She was built in 1890-ish, and there were three, and now there's only one left, and she lives at the beach in New Jersey. And I visit her every year, because every July she gets her toenails painted,

and I want to say, This is phenomenal round. This is such... Talk about backstory. This is phenomenal. If I ever get married, I want to get married at Lucy the elephant. I don't even know.

And it's going to be catered by Wawa. See, I'm not a fancy gay. I don't even need a charcutory board. I can put in the charcutory. No, you're very... Yeah, it's a very... It's like a straight gay mix. It's pretty good.

Do you... Do you go there to watch the painting of the nails? That's what he's saying. Yeah, you like to see the- Or you like to see the updated painting. Well, yeah. I just like the update. Okay.

So it's her birthday in July, and so she gets her toenails pinket for her birthday every year. And she did. But she's just an old elephant, and you can walk up inside the elephant. There was like a little door just under her ass, and you enter it. Now we're gay again.

And we're back. Oh, shit. Fuck me. That's awesome. Okay. He told police he had a little trouble with Joseph Kelly, a crippled on his peg leg, and that the latter assaulted him with a crutch. Wow.

The fight took place in front of Liberty Bell Lodge House. Dawson was taken to the hospital in the ambulance, and it was found that his skull was fractured. Jesus Christ. That's a... That's tough. Yeah. Broken skull is like a...

A crutch back then is wood. Like, it's going to be a hard wood. Yeah, right, yeah. I feel like there should be a drag queen named Pegg. Yes. Absolutely. Love it. Yes.

Absolutely. Pegleg? Pegleg was arrested a few minutes later by detectives Bach and Weber of Central who were detailed at De Plain Street during the day. A discussion over the respective merits of Rogers and Mahoney in the 18th Ward led to a falling out between Ben Holmes, colored, and a white man at the corner of Jefferson and Madison Streets last night. You got to point out that it was a white guy to black guy fighting.

Obviously. People wouldn't know what to get mad about. Yeah, right. It is asserted that the latter struck the black man and Holmes resented it by drawing a razor and threatening to use it. The white man disappeared, however. before he could call the weapon into play, and he was arrested by an officer who happened by.

Classic white man. Yeah, he... Crime and gone. The white man. He made a threat, and then he ran. Yeah, that's the white man. Oh, here's a list of injuries. Oh, Christ.

I mean, that was a lot of names there. Barring Bernard. No, sorry, Bernard Barring, bruised and beaten at Plymouth Place by Solvan Prague and William Heelers. John Burns, face and head beaten in an attempt to rescue William Martin from the police in the riot. Paul Claxton, black guy, face and head bruised in riot. In parentheses, doesn't count as much as the white ones. Patrick Collins, Teamster, bruised while resisting Officer Driscoll.

I'm picturing this being said by the person a la the Little League World Series. Yeah. Patrick Burns, face and head bruised real bad. James Dawson struck on the head with a crutch by Joseph. Oh, we knew that one. Driscoll police officer beaten during the fight with Patrick Collins. John Featherstone beaten an attempt to rescue William Martin. John Fitzgerald struck in the face and knocked down by Major Samson in the third precinct.

Martin Florida, cripple, face cut, and bruised in fight with big Sandy Walters. A lot of face stuff. I love this one. Cripple, face cut, and bruised in a fight with big Sandy Walters. Hello. Peter Foley. I just love the names. John Featherstone, Big Sandy Walters,

they do sound like the original gay couple. Hello, I'm John Featherstone. I'm Big Sandy, and this is the Drenqueat Pinklet. Big Sandy is awesome. Peter Foley struck over the head while in a political argument at his saloon. George Foster, black guy, face and head, beaten, and cut in right.

It says colored. It's so fucking crazy. Like the, I mean, obviously we know, but it's very crazy. Just so you can picture it properly. Yeah. A non-white. There's one you don't care about. Here we go.

We're moving on. Joseph Grogan, shot in the left ankle by Nelson O'Hern in a riot at Polk Street. An ankle shot. Which was a death sentence in 1886. An ankle shot is terrible. Like you're not, you're never going to walk normally. No, that's it. You're a peg leg.

You're a future peg leg. Yeah, they're going to cut that. bad boy off. 100%. Yeah, the doctor's like, well, you'll obviously never breathe again.

Is that it? That was a fucking list. Eventful. That's just elections, though, in Chicago. Yep. So who won?

The Democrats. Yeah. The Dixiecrats. Trump. Spoiling with funny feelings. Oh, boy. Hmm Yeah

It's enticing False alarms of fire Why not Just fucking fuck off You're trying to pat it out Flowery language There's nothing here False alarms of fire

It's like a three-sentence story Flames abound perhaps Smoke in the air from what That's hard for me to know Tennessee Williams in False alarms of fire Kept the department On the move Tuesday

During the day Seven boxes were wrung And each time no evidence Of a blaze was found Oh yeah Someone's having a good time Yeah I mean if you're a kid at that time

Awesome Yeah The police think the alarms Were sent in by men Who in the exuberance Of election spirits Were not satisfied With keeping out of mischiefs

So guys got drunk During the election And started Yeah calling the fire department I mean I get it I mean this is quite an election day. Yeah, but that's fun.

30 people dead. You get drunk. Some peg legs made. You get drunk and then you pull a fire alarm and you watch all the firemen come. Can I make a suggestion that not only is election day a day off, but there is a keg. Once you get inside, you're allowed a cup of beer, alcoholic or non. Yeah. You can't even hand out water, but I think that would get more people out to the polls.

A free, a free beer or just... Yeah, by the way, then you get in the booth and you're a little more, you know, a little more loose with your vote. Yeah, for me, just have like some sort of coupons. If you handed me a coupon book? Okay, yeah. All right, so let...

Okay, so there's beer, Mike it in, back pillows, coupon books. What's your ideal coupon? What are you looking for? What do you want to save money on, on your daily life? Oh, well, my ideal coupon is not so much... Like free stuff. Yes.

Like if I complain to United Airlines and they send me 10,000 miles, yeah. I mean, you really are hung up on that way. You really love that one. Well, so maybe that's an idea. Yeah, miles for a vote.

Like you get a thousand miles for voting. Let me tell you, okay, I nearly get kicked out of the supermarket almost every time that I'm in there. So I just don't go in there anymore. I'm sorry. Hold on.

Could I just, could I just, did you just say I get kicked out of the supermarket? almost every time I go there, because it sounded like you said that. Explain what happened. Okay, it's just because, in the name of savings.

Okay, so for instance, are you arguing over coupons? You're a YouTube B-side. You really are a carry. No, okay, for example, okay, like potato chip bags. Do you know in the potato chip aisle, whatever there's usually like coupons on each one

that says instant savings, save now, peel now, and it's like 50 cents off. off 75 cents on the little tape on coupon yes exactly so I almost got kicked out because I was on the bottom shelf I was down on my knees not doing what you think and um and I was peeling off the the coupon but I was peeling them off of each bag so I had about 29 right it didn't say one per person okay and someone came up to you yes and they said that that was stealing And I'm like, that is not stealing.

It's just taking advantage. And I'm keeping a lot of things in mind. The saddest getting up from your knees moment possible is when your 29 kettle chip bag coupons down. And you've got to hold onto the shelf to sort of pull yourself up. Excuse me, sir. Yes. That's stealing. I don't believe it to be.

It's called savings. Yes. Not stealing. Savings. And the worst part is being usher. out by security with your back knee pillows and your back. But I mean, there's all sorts of things you can do. Here's a good one.

Okay. Why? Okay. Organic produce. Yes. They're doing less to the produce, right? No pesticides and stuff like that. So why am I paying more for them to do less?

So what you do is the first thing you go is to the produce section and you take your produce and then as you walk through the supermarket in each eye, you slowly peel organic sticker off of each one and you replace it with a conventional sticker. Now, where are you getting the conventional sticker? You're taking those off when you're in the produce? Yes. Okay. So you're pre-pealing off of the non-organic and then as you go, right. Yes. And then I have a little stickers on my fingers. But Ron, Ron, I feel like that's like 1995. Now if you're doing the self-checkout, aren't you in charge of a lot of times if you put the things on the scale? Well, because. Oh, you know how many?

times that I had like expensive pine nuts and I'd be like lemon and uh but the thing sir I don't know what lemons are sir Ron we know it's you can I give you 49 coupons that I just took off those lace bags lemons it's the funniest I mean you can do cashews because I agree pine nuts at this point it is easier to buy a bag of Coke I mean I don't know what the fuck is happening in the pie nut community you can go fuck yourself. That is one of the smallest bags available and they're literally with no irony going, that'll be $19. It's insane. You got to go to a bulk section and if the pine nuts are like 4082 if that's the code that you're supposed to write on the thing,

you just got to look what the code for peanuts are and then act dumb and be like, oh, peanuts, pine nuts? I don't know the difference. No, peanuts are always the cheapest. Ron, in the world of mass recalls of our produce, are you having to be? Are you experiencing any nerves as a, so are you using that to your advantage in any way? Does it matter? No. It does not matter. And I pretty much like don't even go into the supermarket anymore.

But now I mastermind everything. That's their decision, though. That's not your decision. I just, I wait in the car and I mastermind everything. So I really thought you were going to change. I thought that master was going to end differently. I wait in the car and I masturbate before I go outside. He's not while I masturbate and he steals pine nuts.

Hey, babe, do you get lemons? That might be the gayest thing about me, actually. Let me give you a, let me give people out there an idea for the organic versus real. Like, so say you, say you want organic honey crisp. Sure. You take a bag. You put four in the bag. You take one out.

That's the one you switch a sticker with. And then when you go to the checkout. I have a question. stuff check out you just swipe that one so it hits the thing but may i suggest the item look up you don't have to swap them all let me suggest the item look up yeah go ahead ron you're you're probably better at this well no i'm just confused because he said something that this gay doesn't understand what is a honey crisp it's an apple you've never had a honey crisp apple yeah you've never had a honey crisp app i'm a basic gay i'm granny smith all the way oh my god run honey chris pink lady department

Honey Crisp. It's the only lady I want you. Fuck it. They are. I don't fuck a big lady, but I love Granny Smith. That's a wild. He's antiquing. Yeah, he really is.

He's with apples. What about Gala? Isn't Gala? Yeah, Gala great. Fugler's okay. Honeycrisp is going to be off the charts better than any. So the thing about Honeycrisp is they are the, this guy's an idiot. They are the best apple, but they don't travel well.

So, and I know they're definitely grown on. the West Coast. I don't know if they're crying. They don't travel though. But they are, it's the best apple. And this hands down, everyone agrees.

It's wrong. I also am not going to come over to Granny Smith camp. Well, what's your apple, Gareth? I'm a pink lady man. It's very similar.

I'm a fuck boy. It's a lesser. It's a great out of honey crisp. The tiny apples? No, no, that's the, no,

they're not. They're, they're, they're honey crisp-ish. Yes. But they're a little, maybe a touch more tart. That's why I think I could get you over to the pink lady camper on them. We'd love to have you.

We'd love to have you. We'd love to get you over here. Just come on. Take a trip over here every once in a while, you Granny Smith Stickler. Just tell me you're not doing a red delicious. That's all I... Oh, not the ones that look fake. Like, they're really shining.

Too shiny. Yeah. They're really often. Yes. That's like the lowest form of apple. I agree. I agree. I agree.

And I'm nothing against a great. Randy Smith. I just, I really, that's, it's a special occasion. I didn't realize there was such a Apple hierarchy. Oh, there is. And by the way, my advice is don't even bother with the label switching. Do the self-checkout, do item look up. And when they say apples, just pick a non-organic option, charge you the non-organic. They're not, they don't have the technology yet to bust you on that, in my opinion. And then if they come over and they go, hey, those are, you go, what do I know? I'm just, you got a dumb, I don't, I didn't fucking go through classes for this. You guys have made the decision to have me do my own checkout.

Sorry, I'm a fucking moron. I live in America. I'm in the dumbest country in the dumbest time ever. I don't understand how apples work. Go ahead, Ryan. Well, I was just going to say, I'm one of those people, you know, I spend time in my therapy. And one of the biggest things about my therapy is to say, I am not ADHD, right? because I'm severely ADHD,

but I'm like, I'm not ADHD. It does not define me until I need to use it to my advantage. So if anybody ever questions me, you know, wrong up the wrong apple, I'm like, oh, I'm so ADHD, you know? Yes, totally. Yes. I love convenient handicapping.

Yes, that's what I would do. Just keep an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth at checkout. If someone comes over and gives you guff, chew it, start foaming, and go, I didn't understand. You can be out of there in no time. You're keeping it in your mouth? Yeah, it's called a plan B. But isn't it already foaming?

Yeah, probably. You're foaming either way. I'll be honest. You are going to foam either way. You know, the little self-checkouts now, they use AI. So if you take a product and move it across without putting it on, it'll flag. It'll be like, hey, this guy's stealing. But when I'm there, it's called gay eye.

I didn't know that. Is there a gay AI? Can I create gay? I was just going to say, I'm way more into gay eye than AI. Gay I'd be way better. Gay is what you have when you antique. Yes, exactly. I just can't believe how many data centers they're building for gay AI.

Yeah, gay AI. Gayai. Gayi. That'd be a much better. People would not mind a data center if it was gay eye because that would bring the property. A gay. Yeah, a data center. Data center working at gay eye.

It would be the best looking building ever. I agree. It would get its toenails. anything once a year. Oh, shit. The dollop is brought to you by Quince. You know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself just wearing repeatedly over and over and over? Yep.

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Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash dollop. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash dollop. Whiskey embraces the girls. Sure. And it punches the boys. Police officers testified in justice Richardson's court yesterday that John McCormick had been very disorderly on Clark Street.

Quote, in a short block, said an officer, he stopped five women and embraced each of them. Oh, my God. He's a masher. Embracing. He's a drunk masher guy. Embracing is such a... He gave him hugs. Yeah.

Little pat on the bottom. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It was not myself, but election whiskey that did it, Your Honor, replied the prisoner. I was, let me see, interrupted the court. One dollar an embrace, five times one is five. McCormick, you're a fine, five dollars. And I'm letting you off cheap.

Wait. Yeah, so he was drunk and hugging women, and then the judge was like, that's a buck a hug. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. Which, by the way, is way, I mean, just, being able to use whiskey as you're defense was quite a time period. It's the... Your Honor, it was whiskey. It's real.

I was taken with booze that I supplied myself. I'm going to do that the next time I get cornered at the supermarket. That's going to be great. I'm going to be like, I'm sorry to take these coupons, but it was the whiskey that I took from 12. I'm drunk. That I'm going to ring up as cheap box. Sir, you have to understand.

I'm hammered. So you've got to understand. As my friend, Jesse, you say I'm not responsible for what I do on tequila. Yeah, which is a crazy thing. It's the best thing ever. First row over high hats. Okay. The high hat question came up in Ohio in an amusing way at the Grand Opera House this afternoon.

That is, in a way that was extremely amusing to some, but painfully embarrassing to others. Many women in the matinee remove their hats before taking their seats. but there were others who did not. Who are we pissed at? The non-the-hat wears because people of mine can't fucking see. Oh, I see, I see. And also back then they were wearing like birds' nuts. Giant. This was the bird area where we...

Like you had a birdhouse on your hat, so you'd sit down and be like, I'm excited for the pictures. Ron, we can't describe to you how many birds died for hats. Seriously, it's crazy. It is fucking insane. Crazy. The first protest came from a little old woman who wore a hat herself, but insisted that two women in front of her should remove their hats because they were bigger than hers and consequently her view was obstructed. Take off your big dumb hats, you bitches. This is quite a Karen move right here.

Yes. My hat's fine. She asked for an usher. He requested the offending parties. She's got a flamingo on her hat. To remove their hats, which they declined to do. Oh, that's heating up. That usher's like, I don't really know my role here. Well, make them take their hats off, but mine will stay on because it's tinier. Then the little old lady appealed to doorkeeper Mayan who referred her to the usher. Do you go talk to the guy he just talked to? Hello. Then she demanded to see Mr. Rainforth, the manager. Mr. Rainforth promised to investigate the matter.

I'll get right on it. I'll be looking at the hats. Then he tried to escape to a neighboring resort, but before he could succeed in getting out of the way, the two women who had been complained about corralled him. So he tried to just, like, I'll get right on that. And then he was just like, bailed. I'm going to go to the Bahamas.

He's like, fuck this. I've seen how this often ends in murder. This is crazy. The woman who wants us to remove our hats is a crank and a fattest, said one of them. A fadist? Faddest. So I assume into fads. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, right. I was hoping it was F-A-T-E-S. Yeah, that'd be better. She's mad at us because we're big. she just wants to gain She's a portly racist She just wants to gain her point To our discomfiture

And we are not going to let her You know I don't know who side him on here Yeah I know who Ron is Any granny he's on that side But I personally I'm pro all hats off If it's obstructing the view

Like you know A lot of people Not enough people have talked about The John Wilkes Booth theory That he was just sitting behind Lincoln At the play you know i mean if a guy wears a stove piper at a show i think you have every right to pop one in him yeah fat is just someone who just hops from fat to fad yeah yeah well i like your i like your

lincoln theory and people not enough people liked it because ron didn't say anything and you were quiet but i'm glad you came on board and i bet a lot of the listeners are thinking lincoln didn't deserve to die he did you wear a hat that big sorry everybody you're a bit of prick you wear a hat that big and he was supposedly gay, right? That right there is terrible. I mean, can you imagine going down on someone, but you got that giant hat? By the way, that's probably why he had that beard. It's just, yeah, you know, a nutshell.

That's perfect. But the no mustache shit, yeah, that makes all I said. Now, they are saying Lincoln is gay, huh? I mean, that was always a rumor, wasn't it? I've heard it, but, I mean, you look at Mary Todd, and I can't imagine going in another direction. That woman was an absolute fox. I'll put my pipe in her stove. She was sad.

Come on, keep it light, asshole. Mr. Rainforth was visibly embarrassed, but finally a happy thought struck him. Would you mind changing your seat, he asked. Ah, Rainforest! You old biddy. They're having to be two good seats, the only ones left down in front.

There are a couple of good-natured fellows sitting back of these seats, and perhaps they won't object to your hats. I bet they might. Yeah, I would. The woman assented to this arrangement, and so did the men. Meantime, the entire audience had been convulsed with laughter, and the Harriman performance had to be temporarily stopped until the hat controversy had been settled.

Wow. Everyone was watching the hat situation. The great hat controversy of 1896. Yeah, I mean, that also shows you how, like, boring entertainment, was when everyone was like, stop the film. This is hysterical. Let's watch hats. Let's watch the hats.

This is the real performance. The little woman complained afterward to the police. They would not move. She got everything she wanted. I want to see some identification. They fucking moved. I'm not happy.

I'm old. I wanted them dead. Everything's difficult. And warrants were served on the management of the theater to appear tomorrow and show cause why the women with the high hats were admitted to the theater. That is absolutely fucking crazy. What the fuck?

How big were these hats, by the way? They must be big, but crime must have not been terrible at this time in Chicago, which it must have been. You have a summons for court tomorrow. You didn't handle this at movie thing right. If the case really comes to a trial, the theater people will pay the fine without protest. I don't know what just happened. Yeah. I mean, you talk about a lot of complaining online, Ron, but that is real world sort of yelpers.

I wish that was our problem right now. Yeah, I agree. I wish our country was divided over hats. I know. Things are good. Things feel good. Dave and I are very positive about the way things are looking. Yeah, we think it's all going really well.

We're fucking real optimistic. Woman charged with stealing chickens. How do you steal a chicken? They're not quiet. Maybe she was just taking a coupon off of them. Yeah, Ron, Ron, of course, always on the side of the thief. I think this woman had every right to do it.

You wrap the beak first, right? You got to wrap the beak, you asshole. You let it coo. You got as part of it. Listen, God gave him an alarm. That's crazy, though. Go for it. Do you know, when I first moved to San Francisco in 2001,

There was a farmer's market. There were a couple of farmers markets, but this was the kind of run-down farmer's market, but they still had a booth where you could buy live chickens. Oh, wow. And it was very popular with the older Asian community that they would go by their, you know, live chicken and then bring it home and slaughter it and cook it, whatever. That's fine. Sure.

But it also seemed very weird if that was a thing happening in San Francisco. But anyway, the fun part of the story is. is that all these people took the bus home and they had their chicken in the brown paper bag and that brown paper bag would just squawk and move. Oh my God. Are you shitting me? Oh, God. How did I not know that? Where was the farmers market?

Which one was that? It was a civic center farmer's market. And so they would take it back to Chinatown, the bus? Where, wherever they lived. But, yes, it was very popular I like to think that some people were keeping the chickens alive. Is that? No. No, no. Absolutely not.

Thank you, Ron. No way. That was a That's a fresh man. That's like you getting your eggs from the farmer's market, except in this case. Oh, it's the only place to get eggs now. Man, they taste so much better from the farmer's market. That's also the life of the chicken. You've got to keep that in mind.

Well, it's also like when you travel to another country, like somewhere in Europe, and the first time that you order eggs when you're there, it's always a step back. He's like, ah, what is this? And then you realize, oh, that's the color it should be. Or also when you, I've been in, like, grocery stores in other countries. have been like, where the fuck are the eggs? And they're like, oil five. And you're like, they're on the shelves?

What? And then they come here and they go, why are your eggs in a refrigerator? And our eggs are just yellow as shit. You go there, they're orange. That is actually, I'm looking forward to Australia for eggs. Australia is my favorite place. We're going there. Oh, my God.

I want to go next week. Come with. We're going in November. You are coming. You know, I go. multiple times a year usually. You do? Yeah, I love it.

Because you're complaining to get all the miles? Exactly. I've got 90,000 miles now. Why are you going to Australia so much? We have a lot of Australian listeners. I love Australia and New Zealand. It's the best place in the world. I always go as a tourist and I've never gone to do comedy

and the next time I want to do comedy. But here's the deal. Did you know September 10th, the opening game for the 49ers? I'm not a 90s fan. I'm more of a 69ers fan. But the opening game was in, Milburn and I want to and I was thinking of hopping on a flight and going to see the opening game what all the way there to go watch the game why not I'm a huge rugby fan too and

rugby is going into their playoffs right now as well listen to this Dave um I told you just why I don't get along with that I need the sporty games and they're not around uh I think honestly the only solution is that you and I start dating Ron I think that's the only way it's just I love football too. He's taken. Huh? He's taken. He's taken now, but he's taken with a regular game. I'm in it, yeah, I'm in an open relationship. Oh, it is. Yeah, great.

Yeah, and all I need to do is, I'll buy Garrette a nice big hat. Yep. Thank you. Yeah. I'm not going to need it. I require nothing else. Ron, do you like Australian rules football? Okay. I cannot figure out AFL. I try to watch one match and I was like

thoroughly confused. Give it more. You know what you should do is when you're in Australia, although I think games will still be going on if you're going in September playoffs, but you should go to a game with an Australian and they can explain the most to you. Yeah, oh my God, I learned the most when I went to rugby in, when was I there in May, and you're surrounded by Australians.

And yeah, and you learn, I learn a lot of, I learn a lot more. I can just turn around and ask some questions. You're very friendly. I learned a lot of different curse words. I learned that they could really handle their beer. Yeah. But I love it.

And anytime, that I can go to Australia. I try to, it's my, it's my favorite place. And there's so much more to explore, too. I mean, I've been to so many places, Tasmania and Brisbane and the cool.

I want to go. I'm coming with you guys. Come. You can be a guest on a show. You can write it off. Yes. Yes. I'm there.

Yes. I did that. I flew, I flew to Australia. Yeah, you did for one show. I did flew Australia for one show. I was there for like,

I think I was there for 12 hours. And then I flew back. I also think I was almost going to do that for something over the years. And then I was like, no. You know what annoys me about Americans in Australia? When I tell people that I love going to Australia and that I go all the time, they say two things. One, they complain about the length of the flight. But two, they're like, Australia, they've got things that can kill you there.

Oh, yes. I don't. And I go, what we do too, guns, right? Or food. Yeah, exactly. Like everything, it pisses me off so much. No, it is, that is like the, that is exactly, you know, I always think that with ayahuasca. I love ayahuasca.

Whenever you tell someone about Iowa, I go, well, yeah, but I don't want to shit my pants. And you're like, first of all, you don't shit your pants. And second of all, if you shit your pants, you don't give a shit because you're not thinking about pants or having an asshole or pooping. You're not, your body doesn't exist. So even if you did shit your pants, which I haven't, you're not like, it's just, it's big, it's big farmer, Ron. Oh, Christ. Shut the fire. Fuck, that's how they're trying to get people to stop taking ayahuasca.

And this podcast, what? We're on Rogan now. We're not on Rogan. He's an Iboga guy. You can't be a capitalist than take enough ayahuasca. Okay? The only thing worth paying for is ayahuasca. Go ahead, Dave, one more.

Let's get out of here. Steal on the chickens. All right. Much surprise and excitement was created here tonight by the arrest on a bench warrant of Ms. Emmizette Patterson, the widow of a well-known politician of Washington Township charged with stealing 20 chickens. Hell yeah. Owned by Rufus Lampert, a neighbor.

Nice. The accused woman was placed in jail, but she will be released on bail as soon as it shall be fixed by the court. Boy, the courts back then really were topsy-turvy. There was like, you get put away from weird shit. Then they're like, 20 chickens. Let her go. She's a cacoholic. Mrs.

Mrs. Patterson, a few months ago, brought suit against Jefferson Kendall for $10,000 for an alleged criminal assault and her friends assert the present prosecution is the outgrowth of that controversy and that the charge is malicious and a spiteful conspiracy. So he owed her money.

He wasn't paying it. She stole the chickens. She did a pound of flesh, but foul. A pound of foul. She did 20 foul. Wow. Wow, that was... Ron, thoughts? Is that justified? Where do you land on this?

Sounds like foul play. All right. And you have been kicked off the Australia tour. No, no, you've never been more in, baby. Ron Vi, you're the best. Thank you for being here. We encourage people to bring you an armoire or anything at your gigs. Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, two ends, mind you.

Don't fuck around with that one end bullshit. But we love you. We thank you. We speak your name. We hope the Dell computer worked. And any parting words, Ron, for, for anyone? Thank you for being a friend. Thank you. We love you. We speak your name. The great Ron Vi, and we say goodbye to you. I'm so sorry.

Stand up. You like that? I didn't know you like that. Go to gareth Reynolds.com for tickets and information because Syracuse, I'm coming to you September 17th, Vermont Comedy Club, September 18th and September 19th, Albany. Albany, September 20th. East Providence, Rhode Island, September 22nd, New York, sorry, Stanford at the New York Comedy Club, the most confusing thing of all time, the 24th, 25th, I'm in a New York, in a New York. Springfield, Massachusetts, September 26, two shows, Laugh Boston, two shows, September 27th. Go to Gareth Reynolds.com for tickets and information. See you there, Gareforce.