The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 195 - The Past Times with Nato Green

Episode Date: October 9, 2026

Dave Anthony reads a paper to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Nato Green. Get his special The Darkest Hour.SOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHHIMSMint Mobile Rocketmoney See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here each week. We go through a newspaper from a random date and history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I Gerith Reynolds have never seen it. And neither has this week's guest. The only NATO that I think has value,

the great NATO Green. Hello, NATO. What's popping, boys? How are you, buddy? Can I ask you a question? And why are you trying to start a war with Russia? I just want to jump in. You're doing it again.

That's not the one. And even then, it's not when he's... Go ahead, NATO. Well, so, you know, in... Dave, as you know, that's one of the arguments for Zionism is that the Jewish people should be able to return to their ancestral homeland.

But I think... It's a tough start. I think Jews should be able to pick at any point in the past, anywhere in our path of migration, since the fall of the Second Temple in Jerusalem 2000 years ago. Oh my God.

That's a lot of places, they know. So, so in my family, you know, we came from, uh, from, uh, the pale of settlement in Eastern Europe. And so I, I want to start a war with Russia. So I can reclaim my ancestral homeland of Eastern Europe from the Slavs and the Russians. Yeah. And for, and I want to, I want to create forced labor camps for them.

Oh. Because rules or rules, guys. That's a cool twist. It's kind of like my idea of, sort of, like, after the Civil War, we should have given all the plantation to the black people. Your pitches, if I'm on Shark Tank. If I'm on Shark Tank, I want to see this product up close because I like what I'm hearing. Natives concerns me.

And, you know, my parents are from Chicago, so I think I should be entitled to some real estate in Chicago. That's crazy. Yes. Absolutely. That's crazy. Homelands are homelands, right? Those are the rules. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really. You get the stuff. I just want to, I mean, you put it in the time. This might be out in a couple weeks, and I already feel like it's aging poorly. I think in a couple weeks.

So, NATO, the darkest hour is your latest special. Yep. How is it going? By the way, Gareth just had his darkest hour. Oh, yeah. What was that? We got a flat tire on the way to the studio.

Oh, dear. A mile away. By the way, this is what's funny. Because, NATO, you're friends with Dave. Dave will Dave is like the dad on that 70s show to you in text messages He's like you dumb ass

And the toe guy or the guy at the place was like He was talking to me about how the tires were like He's like oh he's like worn down And Dave just leaves standing there And he goes you idiot And the guy looks at me and him And I'm like Dave this guy doesn't know He's not like I love this dynamic

He's like that's abusive Who is this guy That was right there's uh there's in in my neighborhood there's this she's in her 80s now this old italian communist lady named juliana and i've known her for my whole life and she's like been a major mentor and important figure in my life but she also talks a lot of shit and so and so like my kids will see her like just walking down the street and from across the street like yell at my children and fuck that guy about me.

Like, you know, like, don't listen to him. He's full of shit. And my kids are like, why are you friends with someone who talks to you like that all the time? And I'm like, because we love each other. Like, that's- How we express love. Yeah. Where can people consume the comedy, NATO?

Where's the best place? So the darkest hour from blonde medicine is out for free on YouTube. The audio version is wherever you stream and download albums. Although the best place financially, is for me is if you get it on band camp preferably on a band camp Friday the first Friday of the month they waive their fees and so the artist gets a bigger share of the royalties so you can buy the album on band camp or you or watch it

or stream it audio wherever you do that I do recommend looking at it on YouTube because it's a whole visual element I explain American politics using a whiteboard and oh what color board a whiteboard Gareth wow wow that's interesting. What an interesting choice. We're not going to dig into that too much, but I think that's very telling. They used to be blackboards, but guys like this.

You know what I mean? There's a lot of erasure on the whiteboard. And then followed by the Great Replacement. Yeah. All right, Neda, you know the ruse of this show. It's Finn. We're going to go through an old newspaper, Dave. Dave, have you seen it?

You have not even seen it. I don't do anything anymore. Yeah, Dave's pretty much retired. Dave. Dave's at the point where he's just showing up. He's like Carson in the last two years. I didn't just try. Dave's just trying to max his pension.

That sweet podcast pension. He calls it pension matching, which is the way the kids say it. All right, Dave. We're all in on AI, by the way. We're all in on it. We are all the pension money into AI. Nato, you get to guess what year this is from. There's no frame of reference.

I apologize, but go ahead. I'll go after. 1934 1904 NATO wins is 1938 He did win Legitimate win Legitimate win

He won Legitimate win Way to go Well that now that's a little Weird Well I'm not Again we're not gonna dig into the whole He made it weird

I didn't make it weird Gareth are you implying that I cheated The other times I won A little bit A little bit No no I really hate to He's Shut up

I really hate to take this off ramp But Dave even if I guess The year right Dave finds a way for me to lose. That's not true. So he always makes the guest win. And I want to be very clear, this is not a good host. He's not being gracious to the guest. It is, like I said, like with the tire blow, he's just digging. He's just trying to get at me. And I'm not going to let him win. It seems like you have let me win. You have let me win. Shut up. Gareth, what is there for you to learn about yourself from

your consistent unbroken string of defeats? No, no, no, no. I don't think. I really, the only thing to learn is why do it. Why get up in the morning and try to try to guess it right? Because I can't win, but I do it for the fans, NATO. I do it for the fans, okay? Sounds good. I want to start. I don't know why there's this energy.

Like, let's cook. I'm excited. The show's fun. It is Washington, D.C., Wednesday, October 5th, 1938, the Washington Daily News. It's exciting. It's hard to believe there was never heard of it. enough news for a day in that town. I get it.

There's a lot, right? Because we live in hell. By the way, RIP to Dennis Hastert, we're recording it on the day he passed, and he was maybe one of our greatest pedophiles. He was, he was awesome. I said this, but I thought he'd already died. And when you go through this thing where you go, oh, I thought this asshole was already dead. You're like, God damn it, why did we, we should have burned him.

That's another great thing about Democrats is how do you not, still bring that up constantly about that. I actually... Hang it around them. They're so bad. I'm very curious if any of them have been like, we had our differences and age-wise, we like different brackets,

but Dennis was a nice man to me. He got my son an internship. Oh, God, wait a minute. Oh, I know. I will never understand why Democrats in particular, like, silence is always an option. You don't need to like, be like,

actually, you know, whatever, Jack the Ripper. He, you know, we had our disagreements, but. There was one recently. I don't know if, I don't know if it was Dick Cheney. It might have been, but they were all, it was like, it felt like everyone was like, would you stop doing this?

And they're like, man, come on. We can't say anything to me. I want to be nice. Don't say anything. Yeah, bad. Yeah. This trusting world. Rodney Unger is out of,

a story of Oakland, California. Rodney Unger, 18, auto theft suspect, left a note behind when he fled today from the Alameda County Hospital, where he's being treated for a bullet wound. Hmm. Why? Do you dear John in a situation like that? I feel like you hang around. Well, maybe it's for the nurses and the doctors who treated him nice.

Okay. Or it could be for the cops. Wait, I have to tell you something. So Alameda County Hospital, so as, as, as, you and regular listeners will know I have a double life as a comedian and union organizer and I have negotiated the contract for the workers at the Alameda County Hospital wow wow and we're very anti-union oh Dave especially there's only one guy who's never been part of a union negotiation contract and

that's that guy over there really I have been yeah I'm I'm the guy who got the... I negotiated the Staples Center contract. I was one of the negotiators. I got the last UAW deal. I was a huge player. Huge player. They weren't a guy.

The stand-up strike? Yeah, the stand-up strike. The laydown. Uh-huh. Yeah, I was a big part of the laydown. Okay, I'll be the county hospital. I'm the guy. No, no, hold on a second, Nato.

I'm the guy who stood in front of the tank with a microphone and did crowdwork at it. What? I don't know nobody remembers that nobody remembers is that a tin and square thing yeah I guess I don't know in garris mind that guy was doing stand up he was doing stand up he wasn't sitting down he wasn't sitting down

he wanted to know where the tank was from by the way how long have you been a tank where were you put together yeah where did you how long have you tanks been together what do you guys got you guys gonna crush it tonight

what are you guys going to crush it tonight what are you doing But isn't it sad to think that if Tiananmen Square happened in America today, we'd just run the guy over and that would be the end of it? A hundred percent. Literally just would have like not even stopped. We'd be like, Mikey. It's a lot of bones. All right.

The note thanked the county probation officer, quote, for your trust in me, leaving me in the hospital without a guard. All right. So this. It's awesome. All right. This guy's great. That is our guy. This is.

he's having a good time. He's having a good time. It's a good troll. It's a whole troll. He was shot? Yes. Yeah. And then, but what was he like a suspect in a crime?

Do we do it? Yes. Auto theft suspect. Okay. And so they shot it. He was shot. He was left unguarded. So then he was just like, I'm going to split.

And clearly on probation already because he left a note for the county probation officer. So he's, this is not the first time for this. It also is like. an era where it felt like you could actually be gone like you could get away with escaping it feels like that era is you mean because no one's watching you could just get up and walk out of yeah like it was just a little bit you know it was like when you could do the sheets out the window sort of stuff and that would be like that would be a more workable in your in your mind there's a sheets out the window era yeah no back me up there's a sheets out the window era yeah it's it's a it's a very

that historians use is pre-imposed sheets-out-the-window era. And I feel like you're coming at me. I feel like I'm being ganged up on, but I know that that wouldn't be possible. But you're saying the 1930s were the era of the- That's major sheets out the window. Major sheets at the window. You know, the sheets together, yeah. Go ahead.

The sheets out the window era directly followed the catapult era. That's right. I dare I mean to get it. I'm not the history guy. I think there was a little bit of space in between. I don't know what it was in between, but I agree with you. Another great escape is the catapult. There was huge downside to the catapult, though.

That's like, yeah, like that's like the 900s. They palted so we could sheet. Uh-huh. I wish you would never said that. Go ahead. Be honest. Read your little thing. Inventor finds success at last.

Death, his reward. Oh, Jesus. It's a tough one, isn't it? By the way, remember the guy who... I'm pretty sure he didn't invent death. I've come up with something. What if he did? They were like, he never got to finish it.

No, it is finished. Okay. So we did an episode on the little two-wheeled fucking electric construction. Dean came and amended the... The segue? Yeah. That guy, you know, the guy who owned it, went off a cliff.

Yeah. I, like, literally, I was going through videos, and one popped up, and they did an actual recreation. Oh. Like, it's like, I was just like, wow. That's funny. That had to be incredible. Yeah.

Incredible to watch a guy be there. He was trying to get by a lady. Yeah, he was like, walking on. Let me show you how versatile. Yeah, this could go right over the bay. Oh, my God. Rod's dead. We need actually, based on the way things are going, a lot of people need to be killed by

their own inventions right now. Looking at you, Tesla. although he didn't invent anything. Inventor finds success at last death, his reward is out of Chicago. Valentin Horbiak, 50, had a reputation as a master mechanic. He was an inventor too, but his inventions never had brought him recognition. He decided yesterday to try again, and he constructed a new device. He took a three-foot length of iron pipe, inserted a three-foot length of iron pipe, inserted a

38 caliber pistol cartridge. Is that Acme? And fashioned a breech lock with a small bit of cylindrical iron almost a finished shotgun. Oh, it's a home shotgun. A long lock.

You guys never made a home shotgun? This is added a long line. It sounded like he was inventing the silencer. It's, yeah, or just like the longest barreled gun. It feels very, very acme.

It definitely does. It's not an invention because he's literally just constructing a home gun. It's like what someone's like, I invented a lemonade. And you're like, you put coke in your lemonade, like, yeah. Coke and lemonade, I invented a new way to drink it. But this is very, like I'm sure there's someone

listening going, yeah, well, that's how you make a gun. Luke, right? It lacked only a firing mechanism, so he kindled. It's a big missing piece. Kindle is not the word you want. No. So he kindled a fire in his backyard.

All right. Everybody see any problems? Well, I just was thinking I've never heard of, I've never heard of this. I've only heard of the rekindle. So if I understand this correctly, he's got the cartridge and he's got the lead pipe. It needs a firing mechanism, which is really an important part of the guy. And so then he's like, well, I'm going to start a fire in my backyard. So it's like, hey, I want to shoot you.

Come over to my house. What the hell is this? We're going to have a barbecue in the back. There's no meats back here. Hold on. There is now. What the hell are you doing? Don't move.

Come a little bit more this way real quick. Ah, my hand. This is just going to take a few 30, 40 minutes to get warm. Hold on. Look down this tube. There you go. He thrust the breach of the weapon into the flames. Perfect.

So he's just trying to heat up the cartridge so it blows, basically. Guns were around in the 30s, correct? Yeah, oh, yeah. Okay, I want to make sure this guy. But sometimes you just want to do something. So he invented an old version that never existed with good reason. That's correct. Right.

A small boy watched, this is good. Mr. what are you doing? Don't worry about it. You know, there's a thing called a gun. Grab that apple, kid. What? A small boy watched curiously over a back fence. That's like the worst thing too when you're doing what he's doing and you're being a mascot,

like an 11-year-old watching it. You're like, stop watching. You can just buy one. My dad. I don't need. I've invented something. My dad has three jackets. I don't want what your dad.

Well, why don't you bring your dad over here? I'm standing by the fire. Why would he do that? He has check ads. Long, trust me. Please. Stop watching. I have my inventing hat on.

You can't talk when I have my inventing. I'm in the middle of stuff, okay? If you stick a stick in there and it catch some fire, do you think you invented fire? Get out of here or either come closer and stand by the fire. You're on the list. Come over here. I'm about to invent kebabs. Come here.

I think I invented a tiny oven. I think I invented vaping. I might have invented vaping. A small boy watched curiously over a back fence as Horbiak seated himself before the fire. The weapons muzzle pointed at his chest. Oh, oh, oh, this took a turn. No. This took a turn.

Hey, kid, you're going to love this. Oh, no. Oh, no. I can't believe. If this is an actual taking his own life situation. The boy asked him what he was doing. Testing. I was an NFL linebacker.

I want him to study the brain. Testing invention, he mumbled. Testing invention. So sad. Is it weird that I feel better than you? He sat immobile, the heat increased, finally there was a deafening roar, and he tumbled from his seat, the bullet from his homemade gun, embedded in his heart. Look, this is the craziest way to write up a terrible suicide.

This is insane. They made it seem like it was a cool, invention. Yeah, they led with, he discovered success. What is the success part in this story? Oh my God. I cannot. This is insane.

I cannot imagine. This is what they do today. This is clickbait today. Just jump in the fire. I don't. What a wild way to cook a bullet. Holy shit. Wow.

At least the boy saw it. I mean, yeah, the kid like, huh. Well, that's. That he slumps over. Whoa. Hey, Dad, it's not something weird today. What? It's my invention now.

Oh, and he hadn't patented it. Can't just tell him I'm an inventor. I can't. He's actually not an inventor. He's had a way to kill himself. Slowly. Way slower than a gun. Do you know how hot that pipe must have gotten?

Real hot. Do you know how, how dark of a spot this guy was in? I mean, this is... To be like, I'm going to invent and die. I mean, this is genuinely... I'm going to go to my yard to try. test the prototype and kill myself. The dark place this guy's mind was in

to commit suicide this way. If they hadn't been for the boy, they would have found him and been like 100% of murder. Yeah. Yeah. And then at his funeral, he had a series of inventions that failed, the self-guillotine, the... We all remember when he drew up the plans for Long-Nus.

Yeah. Long-noose was a tough one for sure. The long news was bad. I broke my ankles. Carbon dioxide suicide with the windows all open. A breezy carbon dioxide out. Drowning with a snorkel was one of my favorites. That's actually happening a lot. Trowning was snorkel?

They're finding out that... That sounds like a Tom Waits album. That people are getting the bends a little bit when they dive down and come up. Yeah, it's happening a lot in Hawaii. It's recent? Yeah, a story just came out there like, We think we realize why all these people are dying, snorkeling it's because they're getting a little bit of the bends. That's fun.

I don't like the bends. That's always tripped me out. I tell you about the time I bumped head onto a turtle. You're not supposed to go near him. But I was just swimming along in this fucking asshole just fucking hits me in the head. It's a crazy. Shelf first? Shell first?

No, head first. He bumped into me. You think you are Mario? I was out there enjoying myself, this motherfucker. Okay. And then what happened? Yeah. I got away from him because you're supposed to not stay,

getting away near turtles. How big of a turtle are we talking about? And then he followed me home. Then I fucked them. I mean, they're like, they're like two feet. Yeah. Two feet, three feet.

This is a very unkind way to describe your relationship with Gareth. It's been tough. I know I'm a little slower, but still. Go back into your shelf, kid. That is what I do. Twelve anti-Nazis jailed on coast. this whole fucking paper says Anti-Nazis?

Yeah, people against Nazis. I love that that's like a sect. Well, this is the 12th. What we say is 38? 38. So we're popping. We're not sure what we're doing yet. It's starting.

Be honest, we don't know which way we're going. We're definitely like, that's going to be interesting. There's certainly a bunch of us, if you can imagine a time, there are a bunch of us that are pretty pro-Nazi at this point. That's for the interest. Did you see the exit unveiling the new look?

Yeah, yeah, it's very good. It's like straight out of, you're just like, hey, that's Nazi Germany, buddy. They're getting a little, there really are. If the Nazis could sue you, then it's like, you really need to stop. Gareth, the pastimes is brought to you by Rocket Money. If you're asking what it is and making, I don't need the noises, but Ragamoney is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions. It's going to monitor your spending.

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Twelve anti-Nazi demonstrators, five of them women, were under arrest today for fighting with police outside the California Hall where a German Day celebration was in progress. Fucking, what a slippery slope. Is it Octoberfest or a rally? It's so weird that the police were on the Nazi side. Yeah, that is the thing. It's, yeah. What are the odds? And I like that they're, that.

that there are women out there punching Nazis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. I mean, I'm going to be honest, five. I mean, I'm all for it, but I do think another way to frame it would have been seven men. It's kind of that sort of strange. Police three times pushed back the 150 demonstrators who were singing, shouting, and carrying banners protesting against the meeting under the auspices of 2,500 members of the United Journal.

communities. So these are these are bund guys. Yeah. Bunders. A man and woman were given hospital attention for the entry.

What a weird way to say. Yeah, it's very strange. You had attention to the hospital. Yeah. Said they were... So do you like bleeding? Do you enjoy the bleeding? So it feels good.

So we aren't actually a medical hospital. We're in attention hospital? This is the experimentation. wing. We're going to see if we can heal you by looking at you. Let us. We are going to heal up a heat up a barrel. A man and woman were given hospital attention for injuries. They said were inflicted by the six mounted officers and two dozen foot patrolmen on duty.

Another woman demonstrator fainted at central emergency hospital after asserting that a policeman had kicked her. Wow. It's amazing to just. as an instinct, anytime there's authority, you're like, yeah, they did it. Yeah. This is before, you know, there's that story, like, in 39, there was a Nazi rally at Madison Square Garden. Covered on the dollop. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and we really enjoyed it.

You enjoyed the Nazi rally, Gareth. Just seemed like it just, listen. Look, they do. I got floor seats. They do a nice presentation. Yeah. The Jumbotron Kiss cam was. strange. Keep going on NATO. I apologize.

Anyway, so it's before that. So I guess the Nazis were the new thing then. Yeah. Yeah. We there were a ton of bund groups around the house. In my

in the town I live in now there was a park named, oh God, what was the guy who handed the keys to Hitler? Von Steubenstein. Von, fuck, I can't remember his name. But the park was named after. him and they used to have bunned and they would like march into uniforms and do the whole

fucking thing good times that's fucking crazy uh those arrested were booked on charges of disturbing the peace parading with no permit or refusing to move on the meeting at the hall imagine if this is what they always during nazi like you're protesting nazis and they're like can we see your parade papers what no no feels like you guys are skirting the law a little bit here Yeah. We're not here for the parade. We're here for the fist fighting. We have our fist fighting permit, not our parade permit with us. Like they show up like, thank God, you're finally going to get the Nazis. No, no, no. You're not allowed to have chairs on the pavement.

What's great is, you know, just cut forward a few years and now these cops would be attacking people who didn't want to fight in war. Against the Nazis. The meeting at the hall was attended by Mayor, Angelo Rossi and Baron This is a name Let's go Baron von Killinger

Oh my God It would only be worse Instead of juror was Jew at the end Baron von Killajou You know there's that town in Spain There's a town in Spain called Matahudios It's literally kill the Jews

Do you want to come Oh my God, are you shitting me? There was a whole article about it Where some people were like Maybe we should change the name and other people in the town we're like, it's our cultural heritage.

Oh my God. Holy shit. Honey, there's a huge price drop when you go to this town here. I don't know what? She's nice. We could really afford a bigger house if we've moved to kill the Jews.

Yeah, I know. It's just so unfortunate on the, like, the end of a letter. We only get one type of tourist here. Can I just give you my zip code? Oh, you're a kill a juice. Yeah, it's right on the border. Huh?

What's I like? So there are also the German consul generals there and other dignitaries. The demonstrators carried signs that read Rousemeet-im, preserved democracy out with Hitler's spies. And von Killinger is a spy. Does he? Is he a spy? He wasn't. It didn't sound like he was being particularly sneaky.

Yeah. No, I know, right? I mean, his name's Von Killinger. Von murderer. I'm very obvious what I'm doing. Von Genocide. Let's move on. I don't know for the Nazi ship.

I'm just exhausted by Nazis. Yeah. You kind of missed the time when it was like, wow, how weird was that? That was so crazy. As opposed to now where you're like, the HECSeth is one. Pup promises by proxy not to bark again. Pup?

Pop. Promises? Yeah, the pup promised. By proxy, though. Right. So the owner. The pup had signed its power of attorney to somebody else. Pup's got to get a proxy.

I agree with the proxy. I just don't know if the pup understood the rules and regulations. Rex, the pup. Okay. Appeared in police court by proxy today. And Judge Newman took his personal bond. I, honest to God, it's very obvious why Nazis were able to start to take over when you hear that the dog was being brought up on.

charges. And the judge is like, how do you plead? Proxy, what's he saying? He says not guilty, Your Honor. Interesting. Does he understand what rights he's waving by doing something like that? He only has paws, so he can't wave. Yes. All right.

Well, have him. Your Honor, the dog is, there's been a bathroom incident. All right. Take a brief recess while we click. The defendant's poop. Rex can only be tried by a jury of his peers. Jesus Christ, not more dogs.

Just Christ, shut up, be quiet. You're just an alternate. Stop. They're called alternates. I'll fire you, too. You're all out. You're all begun. Howard Rose.

The stodographer has not been able to catch it. Stop it. Enough. Enough. All right, there will be no more goddamn pun names in here. And no. Howard Rose of 30-20 Earl plays

Uh, what do you think N-E means? N-E, northeast. N-E. Yeah, okay, so that's probably, okay, they just didn't capitalize it, faced the judge on neighbor's charges that the seven-month-old mutt kept them awake

with his barking. Oh, for fuck's sake. Well, look, a dog barking all night is genuinely an issue. Yes. So you talk to the owner. Should you be able to kill it? No. No. What do you, why would you float that out there and say no? In between there,

there's obviously putting it in jail. It's called a compromise. You never have been kept awake by a barking dog or you wouldn't take this so lightly, Judge Newman admonished Mr. Rose. Damn, the judge is fucking ready to go. As Mr. Rose smiled up. And so the judge, so now you're fucked.

Because if the judge has been kept awake by a barking dog, you're fucked. Yeah, it's bad. You don't, this is not the dog. Shouldn't he recuse himself? This is not the dog court you want to be in. No. But, Your Honor, he doesn't bark, Mr. Rose protested. Interesting defense.

It's me. I'm the one barking. There was a second barker. It's a cat, Your Honor. What the hell? This is the dumbest trial of all time. He said he never had been disturbed by the dog. which is the playmate of his six children.

Does anyone else in your house bark? The judge asked. Why, yes. When Mr. We're raising one of my daughters as a dog. Christ. And we're raising the dog as my daughter. Anybody have any questions for me?

No. Okay, yeah, I think I've done pretty good here. When Mr. Rose politely denied the implication, the judge said that if he ever faced him again on a similar charge, he would receive a stiff fine. There were no witnesses or complaints in courts. So that was it. That's the case.

Literally it feels like the paper was like, will you do this? Yeah, there's nothing here. This should be in front of Judge Judy. Oh, God. Her. The richest. Talk about union haters. The richest person on television.

Yeah, ever. And then also is the one who's like, trust the billionaires. But you know, she's handing it off to her son, I think. That's good. It's a Nepo baby show. She's retiring and handing it down to little Judge Judy. That is fucking great. I don't think, can you inherit being a judge?

I thought you had to like to your own. It's a form of the aristocracy. It's being a TV judge. Oh, there's smoke coming out of a chimney. There's a new Judge Judy. Yeah. This is huge. Was it Judge Wapner?

Was that the name? Yeah. That's right. Judge Judy's son has to change his name. to Judge Judy, though, in order to claim the mantle. And he has to wear, like, a Judy outfit. Just do an impression. Oh, yeah, he's got to dress up like her.

Yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. Wapner was first. Yeah, Wapner was first. And that was fine. It was like one show. You're like, great, we got one. Did they still do?

There was an era where if you made a good show, you're like, damn, they just do it. They have a bunch of, they have a bunch of them now, but do they still do the same formula where they, the judge, Judge Wapner rule and then that guy. Doug Lwell. Louell and would talk to him outside and the music. That was always the best, too. Boy, they really mopped the floor with you back there. Why did you do that to her?

I didn't do that to her. He's like, man, unfortunately, the judge didn't agree with you right over there. He paid a fees. Right? They don't do that anymore, do they? I don't know. Because that was one of the best parts. Well, no, now Harvey Levin stands outside and he's like, what do we all think?

It's way worse. Oh, it is? Yeah, it's like, they've just made it like, they're bleachers? TRL, yeah. And I'm like, what do you think? Some guys are like, I really, I did not. trust her, but I think that, you know, it's very complicated in there. No, you don't want to talk to the common man.

You don't want to talk to anybody. Yeah, just show the guys who are married to us. We should be living in caves eating each other. It's over. Sorry. You're absolutely right. We had the people's court. It's time for the dog court.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. I would rather face it. That's the Supreme Court. I would rather face a dog. You'd rather face a dog? Yeah.

What if the, what if the, are you ready to face the dog strict attorney? Yes, there we go. Yes, Dave. Hey, I want to know what happens if you lose. Does the dog get to bite you? Is there a, is there a, there's got to be a dog reason for, it to be a dog. I get to eat your poop.

Your honor. That's not a good one. I said it's you to pooping and I'll eat it. But if the dog just gives you fleas or something. That's weird? It's weird, but it can happen. I'm jumping off a dog court. I'm out. All right. You'll, you'll like this. So my nephew sent me this yesterday. You like this. I found it yesterday that my cousin unionized every single sports medicine trainer place in San Francisco single-handedly by yourself

over the course of two years. Wow. It's pretty fucking impressive. So you can make a difference. That's right on. Yeah. You can do it. Or you can just watch old episodes

of it's always sunny. However you want to live your life. One or the other. What's either or? Okay. Every time, and which I don't anymore, but whenever I go to Starbucks,

I'd be, you guys unionized? Oh, no. I know. Well, because if they ask for a tip, they're not, right? They can't get it. They can't get a tip line. You are at a non-unionized Starbucks. Yes.

And by the way, you're not supposed to go to Starbucks right now. The union is asking us to boycott Starbucks. I do one better. I only go to Starbucks to poop. I just go there to shoot up in the bathroom. Are that Dave from the dollar? jailer's daughter helps I did I have to I did do the thing for a while

when they were during the organizing where I would go to Starbucks but this is before the boycott started and they would ask for my name and I would say like my name is solidarity forever and so then they would they would drag

then they would go you know Grande latte for solidarity forever egg bites for class struggle. Fuck Howard Shultz, an impossible breakfast sandwich. We have a

Biscotti for Kill Your Masters. Why did you insist on us saying your name for Biscotti? We could just hand it to you. I'd like my name said. I'd like it announced. I'll be at the coffee bean. Your Biscottie's here.

Okay, Jellar's daughter promises I'm sorry, Jellers' daughter helps prisoners flee. She had a crush on one, right? That sounds like something the dog judge would do. She had a crush.

That's how it, that's how it. Yeah. It's that election in there. This is a D.C. paper. There's not been one D.C. story. No. Blonde. Of course.

What she looked like. And 38. Yeah. They're like, blonde, pretty good tits, nice ass, helping people out. A seven. Blonde Lula Kimmel, 18.

of the town jailer confessed today that she aided two youthful desperadoes to escape from her father's jail a few hours before outbreak of a small crime wave attributed to the pair. That's tough when you break them out and you're like, they said they were reformed. No. It's going to be the smallest crime wave ever, though. Yeah. The desperadoes were James Godwin 19 and William Wilson 21. So she likes them a little older.

These are a little bit older, older fellas. police believe that within a few hours of their escape from jail, the pair fatally shot a mill. Okay, well, that took a turn. That's tough. Because they said, I believe when I read this, it was a small crime wave and now it's turned into murder. It is not what I was expecting.

It's a mill. A double murder, no less, right? Yes. Yeah. At the mill, though. That doesn't count as much. They fatally shot a mill worker, kidnapped an unidentified man,

and committed several holdups. Holy fuck They were gone from how long? I don't know but this is really They're getting it done The jailer's daughter was like You know I've learned a lot Like shut up

Three people at the Miller dead He said he liked my eyes Yeah they say that Oh boy the story went away Hold on I blame Preston Agreed Here we go

I just couldn't stand the thought of Godwin Going to the gas chamber But the girl was quoted as saying, Jesus Christ. Hey, none of us wanted Godwin to go to the gas chamber, Lula, but.

There's a middle ground. Yeah, you took the wrong. Actually, you know, you do it. You just death penalty in Tennessee. You're fine.

Right. Shouldn't, I truly believe if the state, if the state, yes. Because this has happened before with a guy was electrician, I think three times.

Oh my God. Someone wanted to, me do an episode on it and I was like, it's interesting and they read it. I'm like, this is terrible. Three times? Yeah. They put a sponge on your head and something was up with the sponge, whatever. They had a dodgy sponge.

A dodgy sponge. I was a scrub daddy. That thing's like. I don't like them. But if they try it once and it fails, that's it. I agree. They got their shot. They fucked it up.

It's intervention. Like, yeah. They fucked it up. It's like double jeopardy. Yeah. Yeah. sorry I was executed it didn't I survived but yeah

yeah well when they come in you're like so what's the plan that I'm gonna try one more yeah it's crazy is that why like isn't there something where sometimes they'll be like you know like you'll be executed until dead isn't that why isn't that something phrasing? Oh it probably is yeah

Jesus I'm supposed to execute it until a life whoever negotiated that deal yeah that is fucking crazy we're gonna agree we're gonna I'm only two-thirds executed. Yeah.

Are you done? Yeah, I'm pretty good. You seem a little awake still. My eyes popped out of my head. Okay. I just couldn't stand the thought of Godwin going to the gas chamber. The girl was quoted as saying Godwin was awaiting trial on charges of first-degree burglary. If convicted, he could be sentenced to...

Wait a minute. Hold on. He was in for burglary. I think but for getting the gas chamber and then... when he went out, he's like, I'm going to add homicide to this. I don't know. I think that first-degree burglar maybe means that he committed a murder during it because And you're burying that leave.

If convicted, he could get sentenced to death by lethal gas. So back then, I think it was... He's getting the gas chamber for stealing a bike and also eating a small family. So there's two things. He was like, look, I'm being executed for burglary. Like, I'm not going to be less executed. I may as well kill some people. Oh, shit.

I was not killing people before. It's the hall pass. Yeah. So I want to get my money's worth out of his execution. I got two days. Yeah. Right. I don't want them to,

I don't want them to jub me down out of the execution. He left and committed, like the jailer's daughter was like, don't tell me he was robbing again. No, he killed two people at the mill. Oh. Oh. Oh, gosh.

Kind of on me. Oh, gosh. I didn't think he was going to go further. The dollop is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform that's designed to help you stand out and succeed online. It doesn't matter. Garrett, it doesn't matter if you're just starting out or you got an older business that you're kicking in the rear. Squarespace is going to help you find the right way to market that, the right name for it.

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It's the best way to support the show. First degree burglary is the most serious form of burglary. Yeah, we figured involving unlawful entry, unlawfully entering a residential structure with the intent to commit theft or felony. Sure. Especially when someone is present. Okay.

And severe penalties. But murder still. Maybe back in the case. day. No. They were like... Perklery's worse than murder? I mean, it is North Carolina.

They might have been like... That can't be. And he's probably not white, I would imagine. Oh, God. He promised me, he promised me faithfully that he wouldn't get into any more trouble, she said. Swear to God. He told me he was going to be good from now.

No, you're facing dog judge. Uh-oh. Bowers said no charges have been placed against the girl. I'm sorry, dog judge is going to bring the gravel down. Gravel down. Yes. Yes. See, now today, charges will be brought against her.

Right. She'd get convicted of murder. Yes. Yeah. Which I never, I don't buy if you're with someone and they kill someone, you should also go down for murder. I think that's crazy. That depends. What was your, what were you doing?

What's my Siamese twin? Is that the wrong term? Wrong term? And everything's off. Conjoined twin. That's right. So now what? By the way, there's a show.

Every time you say that, you're like, wait. There's a show coming out about, it's about two conjoined people with two twins with each other. Two twins with each other? Two twins. And I think two. One of them is a murderer and the other one is a cop. You're under arrest. Literally what is happening right now.

But I think it's a reality. I'm trying to crack the case and see if I can catch the killer. I might be. They're right here. And I mean, I'm a little thrown off by the detective. You'll have to excuse my conjoined partners. They're a little edgy right now. Take a break, Frank and Lewis.

No, it's got to be a TLC show. I wish I had to done that. I was trying to. I think it's a job. I, then I started thinking, is it a, porn that they're doing? Jesus Christ. And of course,

but then I stupidly, I stupidly Googled Conjoin twins porn and now there's a lot of stuff here that's really, this was not the way to go. This was not the way to go. Oh my God.

I can't believe. That's great. Good for you. I can't wait for your ads. Come join the party of the conjoint party. Please tell me you had the presence of mine to search.

conjoined twin porn in incognito mode. No. I did not. No. Are you kidding? Right now. Like there's a, bells are ringing at the FBI.

It's your ads too. Your Amazon you may also like are going to be fucked up today. Yeah. Yeah. This is going to be bad. No, okay, this show's been on since 2012.

So something else is going on that there was a headline recently about conjoined twins that made me go, oh no. So whatever. I think whatever it was, you outdid it. So whatever you read next is not going to beat Conjoined porn. Well, obviously, I'm going to have to look at it at some point.

Like, it's like, like, I have a duty to the country. Maybe that's your thing, Dave. Maybe you didn't know it all along. Like, that's what really gets you going. And it's what gets me going. Yeah, I don't know. There was a story I saw and I forgot it.

and now we move on. Do you think the conjoined twin porn, do they fuck each other, or do other people fuck them? Other people fuck them. It's still incest. Can't do it to each other. Although,

I did think, early on when the conjoint, I was like, jerking off has to be very, the whole, the whole sexual aspect. I'm gonna jerk off right now. Yeah,

and you're like, I need to go to the store. You do it too. Let's do it at the same. timer it's weird. Well, but not, but not like that, but like, these, they get married. You just wake up from a nap? Did we shoot a load?

Mm-mm. I just can't imagine they're hanging out and, and your brother's, your brother's bragging his wife and you're like, now it's getting awesome again. You're kind of feeling the whole thing a little bit. Yeah. You're part of it in a way. You're just like, you're just, well, he's fucking, you're just like, oh. Oh, no.

Sorry. I would probably jerk off. I think we're, this is a history show. Well, they're part of history. NATO's quiet and it's, I'm worried. I'm worried that we've crossed the threshold. I'm just imagining like one of them wanting to jerk off and the other one is like, I'm, you know, like, I'm reading James Joyce or something, you know, something like.

That would be the odd couple, the conjoinquent to an odd couple. smoking again. The game's on. I'd rather read. What are you talking about? Let's go meet some broads. Do you know how many pitches there have been

in Hollywood about that? In like the 50s? That must have been terrible. It's called Conjoin with me. One studious, the other one's crazy. One is a real slob and the other can't take messes.

And they live together. We assume they live together, but they do. But that one moves out. How? Well, they just build a wall? That's where you come in. I don't know. Through the magic of television.

I mean, we're doing identical cousins. Why can't we do conjoint towards moving out? I don't know. All right. This next one's called dog judge. Bowers said no charges have been placed against the girl. State Highway Patrolman joined county and city officers in a widespread hunt for the two desperadoes after the death today of Don Moss,

high point textile worker. Moss was shot twice last night when he did not obey the order to surrender his car. Oh, carjacking. A worker doesn't want to give up his car. No. It's fucked if he gives up his car. Sure. What do you know?

You never worked a day to life. That's a crazy thing. That was a crazy thing to say. It never worked at a day. takes over coal truck to pay hubby alimony. Now we're talking. Right? This is how you do it.

I'm not sure about that endorsement. That's strange. Chicago. Where else? Okay. Where else? Lucille Abrams, 33, a slight but sinewy brunette. Wow.

How was brunette spelled wrong, but sinewy is spelled correctly? It's all crazy. Became sole owner, president. And by the way, blonde was also spelled wrong. Well, that's how is blonde spelled? There's no E on the end. I don't think there is. Usually there is.

Is there? I think that's the European one. Are you putting U's in flavor? I put a blonde is spelled B-L-O-U-N-D-E. Blonde. Blonde bond. Well, this is Burnett as B-R-U-N-E-T. That's wrong.

That is way off. That's wrong. Became sole owner, president, vice president, secretary, treasury, director, and driver of a coal company today. As drivers, she climbed aboard. the company's only truck this morning to make a few delivery. Is this a story about a woman became a woman has a call, a business? Yeah, probably. She's a truck business.

Probably. She hopes to make at least enough money for her living expenses and to pay her husband alimony. Her story is an unusual one. Yeah. A lady paying alimony. Now, yeah. Here's what you're not going to believe.

This is just a story about a lady with a job. a better job than her dipshit. I think the story is that she's paying alimony to her husband. I love how that's like... Just the way that at the beginning, I thought the story was going to be more exciting and that she stole a coal truck in order to pay all the money.

So did we all. And that sounded fun, but this is just like a lady has a job. Can you believe this shit? This lady has a job. She's paying him. She and her husband Frank had been co-owners of the F&L, Franklin Lucille.

Nice. You get it? coal company, but she sued him for divorce. Yesterday she went into Judge Philip Finnegan's court and asked for alimony, and Frank said the business wasn't paying enough money. It is too, Judge, Lucille said. I know because I've driven the truck lots of times. I've been a coal hiker when Frank drove.

We organized this business together, but since this trouble, he hasn't let me on the truck. And Judge Finnegan said, hang on, I need to sniff everyone's crotch. Oh, wait, give me the company and I'll pay him alimony a dollar a day. Is that a lot? I don't know. I'm trying to think it's hard to know. It's hard to know back then. That sounds like maybe.

So funny that he's probably like I was like, God damn it. Yes. Yes. I don't know how money works. Your honor, how much is ham and ale? he uh but he also to get paid a dollar a day to not drive a coal truck yes great that's pretty great i don't want to he can still get another job it's not like it's like there's a non-cute clause yeah right no energy no more energy jobs that would be this is this this trump this is a this

this goes against trump's argument of how coal workers feel okay it's $25 today. I'll take it. So it's still not a great amount, but look, everything was cheaper. Yeah, you're forgetting about... This is before we lived in Scott Bissant's economy. It's $750 a month. It's not a great...

It's not great, but again, we're looking through a different prism. He cannot afford rent in today's... Yeah, but we're coming, you know, the Depression, we're coming out of the Depression, whereas now the economy's thriving. And we're the hottest country. It's the hottest. I mean, we've never been... hotter. This is the hottest

country. People keep saying it. Everyone's saying it. If people want to, if people want to know in when I was in college 92, that would have paid two quarters of tuition at a UC.

Everybody okay? Let me see. What do you say? 750 a month? 750 a month. We pay two quarters of tuition at the UC in 1992. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when I was in college in 95, $750 a month was my rent for the three-bedroom apartment I lived in with two other people.

Yes. I paid way less. I think I paid $400 in San Francisco. Oh, no, I paid five because I got the garage. Yeah. We'd be $750 a month in Portland, Oregon. Oh, for the whole apartment. For the whole apartment.

Oh, yeah, yeah. My room was like 240. Yeah, right. That was a pretty common price, 242, 300. I remember one of my friends of Milwaukee lived in a place that cost $95 a month, and it was,

it had no stove, a toilet, and he slept in the closet. That was where he put his little bed. It was crazy. But it was like, when he told me, he was like, $95 a month. I was like, what is 90?

And I was like, wow, this is still pretty good for 95, but this is a sad place. There was definitely, I know a few people that slept in closets to save money. Oh, yeah. I thought about it at one point. I definitely was looking at a place at one point. And I was like, hey, I sleep in this closet. The closet looked good, right?

Like the person showing it to you. He was like, what did you say? Like, nah, I'm thinking a little bit out of the box here. Yeah. Sleep in the closet. The judge raised a questioning eyebrow. Lucille rolled up her sleeve and flexed a muscle. If he can't, amazing.

it pay she said i can i believe you can the judge said and he gave her the company wow frank's like what what frank agreed but asked if he could stay on as carrier and lucille considered their request from the viewpoint of the treasurer and gave her answer as director no wow that's he's so she fired him she fired him wow so he was like i can't be your husband i can't be your co-owner can I be one of your drivers? And she was like, no, I never want to see you again. So I got fired, divorced, and alimonyed all in one day. Don't look at the headline.

I can't. What is going to? You were trying to. No sneakies. I was going to object that that wasn't a Chicago accent, Geras. Do you the Chicago? Well, you're not going to believe today, huh? I'm drowning my sorrows in sassages for a reason.

So today I got laid out. and divorced, and the freaking judge, it was a landmark case. Then, as a punishment, I had to look at his red rocket and he ate my poop. The thing is, is if you think I'm thinking of anything beyond, I drown my sorrows and sausages, you're out of your mind. I drown my sorrows and sausages. Like, I stopped listening to anything else. It's only a lot.

All the fucking day I had. Lewis, five. I may have it a tough day. Shit. Boom. No. No. All right.

Last one. All right. Let's go out. Big one. Boom. Sweeps. No fucking bullshit. Care of dog issue.

In divorce settlement. What? More dog stories? Separate? Is it different? I can't believe it's brought together all the bits. This is a different. And no Washington DC stories in the Washington DC.

I have not seen one. Not one. It is funny. It's really crazy Like things were happening Yeah So what if you wanted to know what was going on You'd be like we got to get a paper from Maine

They talk about other places too Every paper just talks about other places This is out of San Francisco again Mildred and William Hurd wanted a divorce But couldn't agree What was to be done about their dog It's pretty common Judge Solomon suggested cutting it in half.

Well, you split. It's custody. You both get it half the time. But the person with the yard should get the dog. Well, you could do the thing where you both are, one of you, you like rotate a new place so the dog doesn't feel out of sorts. So you get at one place with the backyard and then you just keep switching. That's not a bad idea.

I mean, it's going to be complicated. Yeah, but it's worth it. But you just have to live with less stuff. Which one of them fucks the dog? Now this is a good question. Oh, boy. That is a tough one. I mean.

I don't know. Yeah, that's a tough one. I mean, I think that, again, dog's choice. Who does the dog want to fuck? And there's a way to find out. You both sit down on the floor with your genital spread and whoever the dog goes. And whoever the dog goes to. I don't know if you need.

No, I don't like it. I'm out. And then you call them. Here's what's crazy. I miss the conjoined twin porn. that's where I'm at. That seemed fun and light. The court settled the issue today

by awarding the animal to Mrs. Hurd on weekdays and to herd on Sunday when he will be permitted to take it for a walk. So what is he? What a dead beat? No, this works because no, he's working and so he doesn't have time to take the dog for a walk.

He's allowed to take it on one walk on a Sunday? No, but this is a, I agree with this. A walking based decision because the dog's got to get out. The way dogs live their life is they got to get out and sniff. They got to sniff some shit. You got to get out there and see what's going. It's like you sound like an unprepared

dog attorney. No, but dogs, dogs live. You're out of dogs a sniff. They love sniffing. This is a kibble-based relationship, Your Honor. So Sunday he gets one walk. No, he gets it. Yeah, on Sunday. I don't know what's going on Saturday, but. That's what I'm saying. Hey, it takes the dog out on Sunday. Or to church. In 1938, Saturday, it was a weekday.

That's right. That's right. There you go. Saturday wasn't added to the weekends until the 60s. He was working. He was working. God. God.

God. God. You hate a man. You hate the working man. They said Jew hate, which I was like, what is that? You heard that, right?

I did. Okay. But I hear it everywhere. So she didn't work? It does not sound like she works. I think that's the, I think that's the key is that she gets, yeah,

So we have Do am I We have two court cases We have the the dog Two court cases related to dogs Yes So there's no crime in 1938 That's not dog related

That's what we're It was a big It was a big dog crime yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Well there you go I'm suing my dogs

Yes Yes You're on it NATO Thank you for joining us Parting Parting words? Anything to say to the people? Get out and vote. Be prepared to defend the elections from the fascist takeover.

That's true. And I think, but Hakeem met with Kushner. So he's got it all figured out. Yeah, Hakeem is on the case. And our governor will be Bacera, who's really a friend of the working man. Yep. Friend of the working man. Yeah. And, you know, check out the darkest hour, wherever you get your specials and comedy and whatnot. Well, thank you, NATO.

Appreciate it. And screw you, Dave. Thanks, buddy. Fair. Okay, we did it. We did it. Stand up. You like that? I didn't know you like that. Go to Gareth Reynolds.com for tickets and information because Syracuse, I'm coming to you September 17th. Vermont Comedy Club, September 18th and September 19th. Albany. Albany,

September 20th. East Providence, Rhode Island, September 22nd, New York. Sorry. Stanford at the New York Comedy Club, the most confusing thing of all time. The 24th, 25th, I'm in a New York, in a New York. Springfield, Massachusetts, September 26, two shows, Laugh, Boston, two shows, September 27th. Go to Gareth Reynolds.com for tickets and information. See you there, Gareforce.