The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 2 - Purity Balls

Episode Date: May 5, 2014

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine purity balls.Tour DatesSources Dollop MerchPatreon

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out of my head. Written by Tchaikovsky. Wow he was so good and dumb dumb what a horrible this is this is the dollop the new format which people enjoyed good you didn't fucking blow it all right relax a lot of people thought you would blow it you can't you're coming in really hot and I don't think anyone thought that I I tell you this it's such a situation man this is such a situation you're having a stroke me you couple of bros and shorts uh-huh little white dog yeah I mean we're in a garage yeah this is America right so this is the second of the new dollop should I call it the new dish I just say it's the dollop if

people listen the first three they're not gonna they'll be like well this kind of sucks but then no no I think you call it the dollop still all right so it's the dollop there will be no walk in the room this week but I'll fucking just send people here right yeah cuz it's me yeah and then you're Gareth your that's right you've been the substitute Greg on the past two walk in the room yes now you're in the dollop chair right it's the same chair though I just just to be clear it is the same chair I know you need some pep-toe now I'm good I'm all good though it's good to know that you got the really big bottle that's huge

yeah what is that half a sip I don't have a I'm not like a huge ass problem guy I would okay why not plan for future ass problems buying bulk well because if you have a giant bottle of pep-toe then people like Jesus Christ dude this guy's awesome I like to just take a big but I like to walk around and casually just sip a big bottle of pep-toe yeah and just wink at ladies yeah just be like where you girls going what are you guys looking for because I'm ready I'm daddy's ready I got the big pink I could drink whatever I got the big pink you straw that's right girl

big pinkin my pep-toe out of a straw ready for anything this straw is all clogged with pep-toe chalky girl okay so that's the opposite of what we're gonna talk about today right so the subject that has been chosen and I want to thank my researcher on this Mike Hill purity balls okay now what do you know about purity balls I don't know anything about purity but I you what so you don't know anything I mean it rings a bell yeah but not I mean I have an idea of what it is what do you what do you think it is I would think that a purity ball is where a I okay where a bunch of religious

virgins yeah go to mingle and and do what pray pray with huge hard odds so you think it's a bunch of ladies yeah it's a bunch of young ladies and men and men go and men are also virgins yes okay and so the men you know I don't like your tone because I already know that I'm way off no but I think it's great because it's such a crazy idea that I want to I want to hear what you want to hear a sane person would think it might be when they hear the name because the name is fucking crazy yeah a purity ball this cuz a pure is not a that's not a word usually ascribed to a human no yeah you it's it's like what you hey the water's

pure yeah there's no dirt in the water and so you're saying like there's no dicks or fingers in you yeah you describe a person that way I I pictured the purity ball like a dance yeah and I pictured a lot like the dance and school ties okay okay so people of the same age people of the same age mingling yeah it's kind of awkward there's a punch there's for sure punch yep there's definitely punch probably cupcakes and you think there's any any kissing or do you think this is the place where they're trying to meet each other yeah I think this is where I think this is it's like a Christian mingle I think this is where they're

mingling yeah dancing all right they're leaving room for the Holy Ghost you know baby balloons between them I'm like school ties no Jews so they checked for tales at the door okay well I'm right aren't I hate to tell you and how right I am well you're right on one side okay girls okay you're right about the girls so it started the first one was in 1993 all right and it was put on by the Southern Baptist Convention so right there you know yeah some serious fucking shiznit a purity ball is a formal dance event attended by fathers and their daughters which promotes virginity until marriage for teenage girls okay now

where you at I feel like I was sort of right and yet so wrong yeah so okay yeah so so they and what did they do okay what says right here typically daughters who attend a purity ball make a virginity pledge to remain sexually absent until marriage fathers who attend a purity ball make a promise to protect their young daughters purity of mind body and soul so it's a it's a dance it's a party this is not a good party imagine walking into this party all right all right drink of the Pepto all right go and fly and stag yeah what's up is this where all the purity is all right how's it going girl hey step aside daddy step

aside man I am the youngest dude in here by 20 years I'm gonna get laid oh yeah so that okay it's it's it's a party it's a big ball for for adult men to take their and I won't even say adult daughters because some of them they started six which is a cool thing to do if you ever get a chance you're ever bring a young girl who's about six maybe just learned how to ride her bike and talk to her about not letting dicks get in oh my you know just have that chat and do it in front of a room full of people in gowns oh my god normal oh my god six years old yeah they yeah they start super young do you want to hear

the do I hear the pledge I want to yeah I want to take it okay well you can take it right here you can take the place your name say that one right there all right I'll do the second one all right so I just go to here yeah okay I Gareth Reynolds flesh my purity to my father my future husband and my creator I recognize that virginity is the most precious is my most precious gift to offer my future husband I will not engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but I will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry see wow see that's great so he's gonna

appreciate that when I meet him what you're saying is that the only really great thing you can ever give your husband is your pussy yes and a hot meal when he gets out my pussy and a hot meal you're not supposed to sort of be a partner and maybe get a job and help no but you just you're just just basically a pussy hole yeah you just hold yeah hold the pussy that's quite a good card to hold it's the ace I saw read this one because this one is more graphic this is for secondary virgins oh I'm sorry we're good so this is for people who are born-again virgins yeah so I have already taken it in the hoo-ha that's

awkward and the dads there got the the ones you have to take the secondary oh you get into the purity you're like oh listen I've sucked and fucked a lot of dick but I never again like dad said two words do over you got sorry I was such a whore great punch love Claire hi Dave Anthony you whore God sees how dirty I Dave Anthony re-pledge my purity to my father my future husband and my creator I now recognize that virginity is that is my most precious gift to offer my future husband I deeply regret and will never engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very

special present for the one I marry yeah they're like a fucking re-gifted gift you whore somebody already opened this shit yeah Jesus right so so far it's normal right yeah so far it all makes a lot of sense okay so far it's just it sounds horrible yeah no it couldn't be everybody it for it no the dads are fucking loving it like the dads especially when those whorey girls get up oh yeah they're like in 1998 is when it really started kicking off with this couple Randy and Lisa Wilson and they started doing them and that's when the purity ball kicked in they start now one out of a six girls in America goes to a

purity ball oh my god I know it's fucking insane it's that popular one out of six girls in America has to go to one of these that's horrible and a lot of them go year after year the dad's like it's time for the purity bar after year how many fucking times you do this he pledging to keep your pussy straight on the straight narrow you ever seen scared straight it's the same thing this is the same thing guys just sergeant shouting in a vagina you ain't gonna let nothing inside of you again you hear me so it's they they charge like this one they charge normal yet 93 bucks per per god is so expensive isn't he

you think you'd just be free he's just like everyone else no no no no no he's trying to turn a buck no no if you're if you're gonna sit down in front of God and say that you're not gonna let anyone fuck you then that's that's 93 dollars you know I mean yeah guys like all right I accept that I have that be debit or how do you want to I have a square you can just easily swipe that there and then just give it a second and go ahead and swipe for the Lord and the Lord is right there Lord it's up that's approved for the Lord and the three digit code on the back all ready great to meet you but the grand ball which is

like the yearly those are all local ones they do like the right around doing this but the grand one is ten thousand of course yeah and then you just it's really a big one yeah you can really yeah you really get to do it it's a it's a formal so you got to get a form it's like a it's like can we go to this now I want to go to this so I hated it I so want to go to one but I feel like me and you couldn't get in together we could be like ladybugs I'll dress up like a girl hey let me just say I haven't fucked him yet I want to fuck him but I haven't yet because we didn't get on the same page um I think my father's been

drinking shut up Sally um I told you to shave your mustache I so want to I want to go stag I just want to fucking show yeah just go in stag or just be the guy who's like daughter went on a fuck tour cuz I go into the the yeah what would they do if you showed up though when you're like about a ticket my fucking daughter and I'm just checking out what's going on here totally have you yeah what's that one oh my god okay it's gonna get better she no I just I just thought of something that comes later okay the husband that's what comes so let me see if I can find this right here this it's

a formal event and the daughter's good dressed up into ball gowns and the dad's wear tuxedos I love that it's called a ball to the one that can't be yeah the one yeah the one the one thing you could call it that just contains tons of see we're going to the swollen balls we're going you want to go to the testicle party blue ball so they guys up they have dinner then they have a keynote speaker which must be an awesome I mean can you imagine the speech yeah oh just just the word just the dumbest God loves you so keep your pussy clean until God like me crazy to be this specific but God was very clear don't

let anything happen to the pussies he said to me all right let me see my play this okay how are you feeling right now good sick look at my face what it's very important for a girl to have a relationship with their father so if they don't have a relationship with their father they'll act like normal human beings out there fucking and kissing and do whatever I do but if you promise not to do that then your daddy's girl and you don't go out with other dudes I like a like a human yeah like a human yeah don't experience life yeah it reminds me of the people who leave the little piece of plastic on their watches when they

buy watches and never take it off what are you doing I don't want to scratch but you just want to live like you are selling it no remove it it's horrifying yeah what the fuck it's no it is sad or nothing it's sad when fathers aren't involved in their daughter's lives therefore nobody touch so here's the deal and this is this goes for most women I know growing up we didn't really have purity balls so as soon as girls started meeting other meeting boys that they liked their father was dead to them yeah dead that's when they're fighting yeah yeah but that then that's completely part of you're just delaying the

inevitable what this is what happens to the purity ball girls yeah the purity ball girls wait so long and are so precious with everything that then they marry the guy that they want to fuck yeah and then they'll have a horrible life yeah because they did they didn't experience anything other than just one fucking dickhead who they just like there's like I want to fuck alright I'm 29 I got a fuck right I'm 29 I want to stick and go to this ball with my 75 year old dad okay the girls can range in age from their college years to four years old four years old no look I have a four-year-old I don't think he sort of

speaks in sentences and is it time for him to clear it's time to tell him about fucking and sucking it's time he needs to learn what's right and what's wrong all right besides besides stuff like hey don't hey don't touch the flame on the stove and don't you go fucking like those are the things don't touch the hot things I can't think of anything more emotionally or psychologically better for a child I mean then to be brought into a giant arena of people in gowns scarring those talking about not fucking scarring listen if I told you what you just said the idea of telling a child at four yeah being anything like so

it's time to talk about sex they'd be like what play I like clay like no listen to me okay so your daddy's girl and that's it no other boys why I like boys no no not anymore shut up or I don't want you to take the secondary oh don't you be a number to be a number to young women are seen to be wed to Jesus uh-huh and their father is their quote-unquote boyfriend oh my god and tell me what until he walks them down the aisle and gives them away to their husband who then replaces dad as authority figure and protector so so then he makes sure that nobody could fuck his wife but didn't you I mean didn't you do

this when your mom wasn't your mom yeah until until you met a girl wasn't your mom you call her your girlfriend yeah I know and I still do I still call my my girlfriend you know it feels right and it's normal it's what Jesus would want and honestly as weird as it sounds he's look he's he's come up with the rules I just got to play by exactly live my girlfriend was saying the other day to me actually it's funny my girlfriend my mom she was just saying Leviticus 535 keep it weird 35 the mom's the girlfriend okay so it's so incest ready here's a description Katie giggles as she waits for her day Katie

giggles as she waits for her date to come around and open the car door the pair enter an ice cream shop she sits down at the table and her date gently pushes in her chair he takes her head from across the table and asks what flavor would you like tonight sugar Katie smiles and says I'll have chocolate daddy I was like okay yeah well it sounds like a date in the 50s oh god it's a dad and puts her head down her head did you say that he sits down the table and gently pushes in her chair so he just he just gently slid in like a like a he's being a gentleman yeah well he wants to get laid later let's see if

right right right am I setting a fucking sweet scene for you bro dude so so it's just a bunch of girls it's just a bunch of girls and this isn't like this doesn't sound weird or it just sounds beautiful it's just a bunch of young girls like four to twelve dancing around a cross oh my god saying they're not giving up their pussy in front of their boyfriend dance oh my god oh my god no what do you think that question is how much therapy is this gonna take can you tell me can I be fixed why is Jesus the doing this oh my god yeah my beautiful yep

which is totally what the fuck so so what are you saying is like an indoor cat is that good looks out the window all the time like no the yard you're like no you just shit and sand in here okay bud they're there they've literally created this huge organization to stop girls from having normal lives and dating so they can just have this emotionally incestuous relationship with their daughters and I'm assuming with a few of them fucking their daughters there's no way some of these guys are fucking it's too it's too yeah it's just so clearly I mean this is like an incestuous father's

dream right which was the original name of this come on down the incestuous father's dream ball come on $10,000 you can fuck your daughter daddy father daddy purity balls a memorable ceremony for fathers to sign commitments father has to sign anything yeah yeah no yeah I'm down for her to not fuck I can commit to that I got a lot of my plate but yeah that allows I have enough time to do that you know what I'm on board I'm on board for my 13 year old not to be sucking and fucking yeah I'll sign that paper give that over here right here and there's the check for $93 and tell God hello so they decided commitment to be

responsible man of integrity in all areas of purity the commitment also includes their vow to protect their daughters in their choices of purity each father and his daughter walk under an arch oh no and knelt before a cross synthesized hymns played oh god the fathers sometimes held their daughters and whispered a short prayer I don't want anything going inside of you a man oh my god let God enter you dad's god man ever man enters you that's not me before you're 20 or whatever and you turn to shit you haven't funded up got center other than this wait so you said you want to go to Disneyland right amen couldn't take

it I support my four-year-old's decision to do this look she's a free thinker she always has been since she was one she's always pursued things like this yeah she's the one not eating the wall yeah yeah she's gonna eat the wall but she also is very clear about what she wants in her vagina and that's nothing except for daddy maybe maybe the girls each place a white rose on the cross representing purity the father's protecting role over the daughter's virginity is emphasized throughout the night so that's cool so you're a young girl you're like a 10 and your dad are just keep standing up and going no one's

getting here just to be clear get off my land your daughter how long is this Wilson State's father's how long to the evening yeah it's it's a long night it's like a it's like a long evening it's like a like a dinner it's like a wedding night it's like a dinner and dancing and yeah a whole thing fathers our daughters are waiting for us they're desperately waiting for us in a culture that lures them into the murky waters of exploitation they need to be rescued by you their dad one of the most memorable highlights of the ball is when the father stand in the middle of the ballroom and form a circle around their

daughters stand where they all jerk on and they yell who brought the math where their daughter just standing a glow in their lovely ball gowns and the father's placed their hands on their daughters oh wow and together pray for a purity of mind body soul for generations to come are you in generations generations this isn't a fucking this isn't like a little tiny oh no I can tell you take it very seriously yeah there's remembrance gifts uh-huh they're given at ceremonies represent the girls promise of chastity what do we have what are the gifts do one form of a token is a charm bracelet or necklace in the shape

of a heart for the girl with a not a whore written below K Jewelers and the father has a key oh it's like a car it's like it's just like a it's like when when something goes into something else yeah yeah unlocks it I can't think about it but but like the first time something is jammed into something it's hard yeah slowly put in slowly slowly not all the way in at first and then you jiggle it a little bit live carefully when you put the key in you say just the tip just then you're gonna put you're gonna lock it eventually just the tip of the key always leads to a lack of the door it symbolizes the father's

duty to protect the young girl's heart only giving away the key to her husband on her wedding day not creepy at all dad can I borrow the keys to the pussy I mean it's so this means this means that at at the wedding day no the father walks up to the dude hands him a key I give Derek who's like a family member the key to Grace's pussy I personally she's been so good I remember when she was four and she said she didn't want to fuck until today and boy I mean what a free thinker she always has been oh god damn it what the fuck it's so that's why it's so it's so horrible how if a woman is brought up just believing it's

like women in the the 30s or the 40s of the 50s they're just they grow up believing they're nothing they're just like right that's what these girls all these guys are like well you're your property yeah your property for a man your job is to just when he's ready yeah to let him fuck you and if you fuck anyone before that you're a fucking whore right right right and the guys let me guess the guys could just fuck whoever right no okay you want to know about the guys okay boy do I so the guys are supposed to the young guys are also supposed to remain virgins and they have I didn't go into it as much because I

just thought that there was so much of this but they have like a sword thing sword oh no I think it's sword no it's swords yeah there's like a sword thing and but they also remain virgins why does it so it'd be so phallic you want to hear when you're a kid you play swords when you piss that's what it is I'll play you a tape of one of the boys no this guy's 21 oh I bet he's cool right yeah oh fuck yeah you know it's Larry's is when they when they show this guy in the documentary he he looks like a jock he looks like a jock college kid like a normal look at Colton is the eldest son and in his first year at University in

Virginia not yet not yet I'm not in a relationship yet still still waiting still seeing what what's gonna happen like like he knows how lame it is I have not so I'm gonna say this out loud he was wearing a sweatshirt and it was of a school of his college so I went and looked it up and it's a college that's 350 students pure like they're all crazy yeah it's like an online degree yeah they're all crazy Christians and they're just they're just walking around not fucking it's called the not fuck school but then not fuck you this year there was a huge numbers 350 students this year there was

a huge scandal about sexual assaults on the campus of course it's the same shit with priests it's like totally you just are like no no nothing I mean it's like would somebody's on a diet they're like I don't need any sugar anymore they're gonna fucking crash at 12 30 they're just gonna eat doughnuts pretty good yeah yeah well all I had today was a quinoa salad and now I'm gonna have a bag of McDonald's I have realized that I am a sort of what is my mom calling your girlfriend mom what do you call it I'm a physical connect right so touch proximity are things that just emotionally stir me up if you will

get a heart on that's called me to do proximity like a good dude here's the thing here's the thing about me she's a physical romantic this is the thing about me if there's a girl near me she's got like breasts and a vagina do you have like you know when you're when you haven't eaten ever and I get like a stirring that's so unique but I know I'm crazy like you know it's a lot like okay I mean he really I know that the kiss is an incredibly powerful thing to experience it but I know and so I want to save that I want to save that for that one young lady even the kiss because I think that's just it not only is it a

powerful thing it's it seals the relationship if you will and just a public just be stowing here's a kiss there's a kiss I've saved for you so would you wait in your wedding day I think I would yes that's my plan that's my plan I'm gonna save that for for my wedding day now what lady doesn't want that every lady I can't leave as a fun a woman that yet isn't gonna get on board with that when I kiss you that means we're married who this is it's so fucking dumb if you're working so backwards so the idea that you're like part of getting involved with somebody is like sexual like you start fucking them and

then you're like oh yeah then you sort of create a bond through that the idea that you're gonna find a woman who is like fine with just eating at sizzler three nights away until you're ready to move in together to get married to share your first fucking kids this has to be a dover these people all have to live in somewhere like that I mean what the fuck and and and it's great because if because he's clearly gonna find another one who hasn't kissed before oh yeah yeah no he ends up with a whore I went have you ever been to Lynchburg Virginia no where all the religious schools are like the Jerry Falwell College yeah okay I got

blown so fast like I barely walked into my set and there was a girl latched on of my cock that like it is just insane oh my god Pete is a 38 year old father from California has already started taking out nine-year-old Cassie hoping to get a jump on the dating scene I believe the openness she has at this age is only for a season what is she a nectarine right now I have an opportunity to love her or reject her if I ignore her now she isn't going to come to me later with the tough questions I'm hoping that doing these special nights out will help her understand that she's valuable and will stop her from even

accepting attention from a guy who doesn't treat her with the same respect okay yes now it's also such a cheat on parenting too because it's not parenting it's not exactly it's the appearance the illusion of parenting yes by being like she'll be completely pure but the idea is that you guide another being through life yes like you let you get them good yeah like that guy might not be a good guy and here's why this guy I don't like your boyfriend right I don't like I don't like all your boyfriends yeah you text too much these are these are things that you say as you go along no fucking if they're called teachable moments it's

not that you just go to a teachable dinner for at once a year okay you're ready oh no I'm not reluctantly one dad who had raised his daughter with consistent date nights had to admit that she did a good job of picking a husband though he noted there is no one good enough for my daughter and all the father shouted a hearty amen oh look if I can't fucker I'm happy that Andy is man would do I wish I could though here's the key is the key is the key let me tell you something I should be in there all right you got you got it just yours now but every time you enter her I want you to think that there's someone better who

should be in there and that's daddy here you go also you might want to have her suck the key a little before you put it in the lock go ahead and start her up go ahead and turn that shit when that thing starts repping you go can I watch is that crazy I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that you ever been behind the seat of a hammy and just fucking fired that thing up that's what's about to happen I mean boy I bet she's gonna be great at it too have I thought about it I didn't ask you that yeah I thought about it sure I've thought about it I didn't ask you that was my consume by it yeah I guess I'm consumed by it I wasn't I was it

impossible for me to fathom that you're gonna do what I've dreamt of doing since she popped out of her mother yeah yeah that's tough I am I drinking it away sure I am I asked you am I gonna am I gonna eat a lot of pills cuz I'm in love with my daughter and I want to fuck her I just asked you she was nice how are you how's your girlfriend mom good what the fuck is where it gets great what you said that nine times Wilson's advice advises fathers to praise their daughter's physical attractiveness I applaud your courage to look your daughter in the eye and tell her how

beautiful she is great tits Marce you should get god damn it you should get a look at yourself oh my god you're so fucking beautiful I like when you play tennis in that shorter skirt and you just see the little bit of your underwear you hit the ball and you make a little squeak you know grunting enough to make a father you're my girl oh boy you're my girl you're my girl I gotta go to the camp for a little while babe daddy's got a dick to hit taking the taking the photo album all right I'm just gonna take a punch some stuff on the can on

how can you measure the value of your 11-year-old looking up in your eyes I can value it it's my valueless with innocent uncontainable joy saying daddy I'm so excited wrote one father in a letter describing his grateful participation participation I haven't been involved with father daughter ball for two years my daughters it's impossible to convey what I have seen in their sweet spirits their delicate forming souls as their daddy takes them out for their first big dance their whole being absorbed absorbs my loving attention resulting in a radiant sense of self-worth and identity think of it

from their perspective that's all I'm doing my daddy thinks I'm beautiful my daddy is treating me with respect and honor my daddy has taken time to be silly even made a fool himself learning how to dance my daddy loves me no he doesn't that's why he comes to me in the middle of the night that's why he sleeps with me in the bed when mom and him fight after dessert the 63 minutes so they do that they pray every 30 minutes so every 30 minutes they stand up and they do a purity prayer which is just good if there is a god if there is a god don't you think he's like yeah I get it every 30 minutes he's like what

is it I'm really swamped they're like just wanted to remind you she's not gonna fuck thanks god okay I'm working on okay I'm working on a plague over here what we'll check in another 30 minutes all of us okay thanks thank you yeah no 30 minutes it's well okay there's a lot of people died over here in the Africa place I'm like you said 30 minutes 29 minutes now okay ran long all right we'll see you thanks after dessert the 63 minutes stood and read a lot of covenant before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protector in the area of purity so they just keep fucking repeating it all like all night like

fucking madman it's also good for me said Terry Lee 54 who attended the ball for a second year with his daughter is 16 it inspires me to be spiritual and moral in turn if I'm holding them to such high standards you can be sure I won't be cheating on their mother oh good hey listen glad we're combining salad get your I get that you're 11 I brought you in here but it's not just about you it's not just about you keep your pussy all tight and clammed up I know that's a weird way to put it but this is all also about me you know you know my secretary glory have you seen the fucking tits and ass on that bitch well

you know what me coming here with you means I'm not gonna fuck her okay now pass the raspberry and that's for you girl it's what'll the result of this like it's like Rumspringer like when the Amish kids are 15 and they're able to go I mean they don't go to a bar and like have a couple Long Island ice teas right they start smoking and making meth right like they go so far that they go zero to fucking which is what's just gonna happen there was when I was in Lancaster doing a gig the dudes told me that there is a place that you drive out to in the country that's just like a lot and everyone parks and all the

Amish girls come and they just fuck them in their cars and then the girls leave for research because I'm as a reporter I don't know if you know this idea reporting what a great I mean just on a side note what a great part of town it's about spending time with her said more a minister at the New Life Church it's about showing her how a man treats a woman it's about opening the door shopping with her and fussing over her dress and fussing over her and creating a strange incestuous emotional bond that she'll never be able to break and whenever she has sex she'll never feel comfortable wait a minute she'll never

ever feel comfortable and you're off script a lot of times when she has sex with the man she truly loves she'll burst into tears and try to wash her vagina it's just the worst if fathers are not able to attend oh what then we invite godfathers no grandfather's brothers and uncles so that's cool get an uncle yeah that's cool yeah you can call me uncle Larry hey hey why don't you call me daddy yeah my brother John couldn't be here so I'm just kind of gonna make the promise to God from an uncle's standpoint I'm filling it for the no-whole thing or whatever it is I'm not really all that up on me why why is

it called the purity ball instead of the respect my daughter ball yeah I know why there's a million names you can come up with yeah that didn't scar your daughter for life if she broke the pledge yeah any girl that breaks the pledge is like yeah you can call it the guidelines ball they keep it a cool yeah totally yeah Jesus Christ most of them are home schooled can you imagine that oh geez that's shocking so it's weird so they haven't been to like a homecoming dance or or a prom so right so they don't actually know what it's like to go out and like see a boy across the river

flirt and right it's like when you have a butterfly in a jar for days and then you open the jar and the butterfly just flies around the jar for the rest of its life right that's how it works right it just gets the parameters it should deal with it understands it's yours now right that's how it works fucking moron it's like watching a butterfly give up yeah yeah it's just sad so this girl's home schooled I really like my dad we have a good relation to each other he's the man of my life right now and it's gonna be a really fun experience so she's she's obviously you know home school imagine me the guy who wants is

like marrying into this oh my god you just are like it's fucking unimaginable ah like you you at there's a certain point where you 20 19 where you go I don't want to fuck a virgin yeah there's a point where you're like I don't want to get it weird yeah weird now imagine a girl's like I never kissed anybody yeah oh oh I used to be in track and see a little part of that so I've smoked heroin just so you know that's where I'm at all right so this is where it goes more than half of youths became sexually active before marriage regardless of whether they had taken a virginity pledge shocker but the percentage it took

precaution against pregnancy transmitted diseases was 10 points lower than normal kids so they don't use protection and they get more STDs because wait sorry read that's this again okay so half become sexually active right like normal kids yes the percentage you took precautions against pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases was 10 points lower fuck so they don't yeah because yes no one's teaching them how to do it yes there and then they start making out they're like oh my god put that thing in me no those are the people who are just like but I didn't think you get pregnant the first time you can yeah

you can semen doesn't fucking take it like that so this is great so there's there's a there's they make t-shirts they make like okay this is the one I wrote down no t-shirt that they okay pet your dog not your date it's on a shirt that they wear and then they just wear that on public I thought it's gonna be my father ruined my childhood and ability to experience love and all I got was this lousy t-shirt pet your dog not your date um cool um so the teenage girls in the program that pledged were six times more likely to perform oral sex oh well finally a good thing and four times more likely to have anal finally they're

doing so right so now we're like positive so you're totally warped and demented but it works to my advantage so here's the thing my daddy has the key to my vagina nobody has the key to my asshole okay well my dick doesn't have a lock so I see that's what happens if you go to the thing you're allowed to do ass play if you cross your fingers and your dad doesn't notice asses ago say no crossies hun no crossies for study 2006 found that over half of adolescents who took a virginity pledge said the following year that they had never taken a virginity pledge I didn't do that no I thought you said a year ago you were

going to that nope no that wasn't me that's a different girl my dad had a dog another one daughter she died yeah she's dead she's twin I actually ate her in the womb that's who you're thinking of I don't want to talk about it believing that true love waits I make a commitment to God myself my family my friends my future mate and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until I enter a biblical marriage relationship it's so that's it yeah what do you think no it's your mind change from this is your mind change from the yeah this is how it should operate so you're on so you're

on board now it makes sense and it's cheap and it's and it makes sense it's just a good interpretation of what God wants an important thing to fixate on it really is yeah there's a lot of things you could be doing but it's important to make sure that your daughter doesn't fuck anybody I think and if I had a daughter besides keeping her in in a house shaped cage yes I think I would I would do everything I could to tell her that a natural process a natural human thing that that everybody does is vile and evil yeah she does it chance with someone that she actually loves yeah before she kisses kisses

them and we understand that there's gonna be a lot of air and energy that sort of comes from that and I just want you to lean on dad with that sort of sexual tension of frustration that's right you come to dad and when you when you feel like getting fucked yeah come to dad come to daddy about it sit on his lap and have one of our classic chats awful Jesus wraps his hand around the whole thing go ahead Jesus all right there we go all right the Lord is almost all right the Lord's almost all right let's just finish masturbate in the behind the chair right real quick and the

Lord have come if all right that's this episode of the dollop how do you feel really fucking pissed I feel pissed yeah one out of six girls it's just so it's why it religion could be a thing that I could get on board with in a way yeah but how are you not just so hyper resistant to this shit it's like when you're dealing with this shit like yeah well we're just not talking I mean we're just we speak different languages this is this is the American Taliban this is yeah ruining yes young girls mind yeah and it's funny how we always look at the Mideast like oh they get you know they can't show their face there is a whole

yeah wing of this country that suppresses women suppress their rights makes them feel like shit for being women for being women yeah and for doing what women should do I saw pussy riot the other day those are some fucking women that's what we fucking need those are girls them play a purity ball oh my god the pussy riots okay let's start a Kickstarter oh my god pussy right to a purity ball welcome to the purity ball father's hold your daughter's dad give it up for pussy right all right please let please let your daughter's fuck yeah please dad's okay here we go hi there dollar people this is Gareth not Gary

Gareth enough already I've got some stand-up dates I wanted to keep you updated on join me on the road we're having a lot of laughs March 13th I will be at Summit City Comedy and Fort Wayne Indiana Tuesday March 14th I'll be at helium comedy club in Indianapolis March 15th Wednesday I'll be at the Louis ville comedy club in Louisville Kentucky March 16th I'll be at the Columbus funny bone in Columbus Ohio Dayton Ohio March 17th Friday at the funny bone March 18th I'll be at the funny bone in Perry'sburg Ohio and that's two shows that night March 19th I will be at hilarious hilarities and it'll be

hilarious in Cleveland Ohio March 21st I'll be in Lexington Lexington Kentucky I'm drunk at Comedy Off Broadway March 22nd I will be in St. Louis at the Galleria March 23rd I will be at the comedy club of Kansas City and Friday March 24th I'll be in Des Moines Iowa same with March 25th Saturday Des Moines Iowa and then March 26th I'll be at the funny bone in Omaha Nebraska also April 12th the Tacoma comedy club I told you I was drunk and then April 13th I will be in Spokane and then April 14th and April 15th I will be in Bozeman Montana at last best comedy you can go to gareth Reynolds comm for all that ticket

information so come join me on the road gareth Reynolds comm we're having laughs I'm drunk