The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 206 - William Bligh (Live in Australia)

Episode Date: September 17, 2016

Live from The Powerhouse Theater in Brisbane, Australia, comedians Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds and Nick Cody examine the infamous William Bligh. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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Wait what? What is even happening? What did you ask? Put a snorlax on there and she thinks she's hot shit but let me tell you something. You kids in your games I swear I just I'll I'll never get them. Huh? Was that a was that a was that a Pokemon comment or was that a what did you say? Oh is there there's a name for the team? Oh I'm on the I'm on the red team. This is my people. This is becoming sad. I don't know. Here I am thinking you're a weirdo the whole time and now I'm realizing you're the weirdo. Yeah because I'm not throwing a snorlax up there and my team is a carp out there right now. I don't give a shit. I

really I could I could just give two shits. Thanks for coming everybody. Great to be inside your country. So here's the deal so today so I always write these right I write them before I get to Australia and then the day of I'll rewrite them a little bit and finesse them make them fucking awesome. Today I did that and then I left the hotel and I didn't transfer it to my iPad so I'll be doing a little bit of freestyle. I'll be remembering. Give him a beat. No there's no beat. Drop that beat Matthew like we talked about bro. There's no beat. I'm just going to be trying to remember the story. I'll give a beat.

Come on. Sign those little cars now will you. If you got we signed cars last night. If you guys will sign cars tonight after we do our we do a little VIP thing for the people are better than you and and then afterwards if you want your car signed we'll go out we'll go out front and we'll sign the shit out of it. Sometimes with pens sometimes we've actually been signing cars people that we don't we don't know the owners of around town leave your car a lot after 10 we're gonna sign your car. It's the new ticket means you have 75 bucks. I also want to say you guys I'm part of the crew runs the LA Podfest Los Angeles podcast

festival and if you guys enjoy live podcasts you might enjoy the live stream which we which you can get for you go to the LA Podfest site you sign up and then you can watch it on you know your devices or your TV or whatever you can hook it up to 20 bucks five bucks off after you put in the code the dollop and you know then you're you're happy all that this a lot of those sadness and anxiety that you feel on a daily basis because of your overwhelming life. Yeah no if there's one thing that'll come back the feeling of sadness it's listening to the dollop it'll. Um so ladies and gentlemen this is the dollop.

It's an American History podcast each week I read a story from American History to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. No no it wasn't that great I feel like I did it better and and and on this particular dollop we have a guest and he's a fucking great comic if you haven't seen him yet at a festival I highly recommend it he is hilarious. There he is. Look at that beard! Fucking hi neck. What a specimen this guy lifts that doesn't just happen. This takes work right guys. It's so upsetting not listening to doctors about their dietary tips you know you say no I'll pave my own path and

have a look at success. I mean the point was made you get to put it down ten seconds. It's even worse. No but you you you were like I was at your age a long time ago and let you it looks fine but then when you looked at the shirt it's not fine. Oh yeah you're looking worse. Everybody's laughing like I didn't take that as a massive compliment thank you. I just want it to look like I might be up to fight that's all I want. Like from a distance like fuck this guy could be a problem. I think he's a lumberjack move on move on move on. I I may have when I was around your age I worked out a lot like that and then I had the thing from the

beer and and I might have met a young lady and taken her home and she and when I took my shirt off she might have said oh. She came early huh. Not a lot of people can do that move. Well wait until you see the penis. Actually maybe we don't bring the penis out for this one. The quote was oh I didn't expect that. When I was like what about the arms? I'm gonna put on a tank top. You'll love what you see here. All I have is an old-timey one-piece bathing suit but I think you'll see what I'm working with that you can see pretty terrific. September 9th, 1754.

William Bly. I think we know where this is going. You don't? No. I don't and I'm from here I don't know. Oh great great. It was born somewhere in Plymouth England. His father was a boatman and he and a British customs officer. When William was was the ripe old age of seven he signed up for the Royal Navy as a cabin boy. What is I mean this is I this has probably been like the start of 70% of the ones we've done since we've been here. It's like a six-year-old is gonna be the president. Time to work your seven. What are you gonna do with your life? You've laced it away. Well they don't they died so young. That was like a big life crisis.

I'm seven. I'm joining the forces. I gotta put the blocks down and focus my ass in here. What are you doing right now? I've done a wee. Well now you're a charge of people. The idea was that he would be able to gain experience and earn promotions as a young man so you start super early because then when you actually join they're like look at all the experience. So eventually like a grown man through an 11-year-old is like yes sir sergeant sir you heard me. More goldfish and more crackers. I'll be in my bed pretending it's a race car. All right. I mean they didn't have race cars. What year was they invented Dave?

They might have had race car bets. We don't know. Like if we would have a spaceship bed. Exactly. And we do have a spaceship bed. Yeah most of the money goes for this. Well we need one plane for us and our bed is in nine pieces and we need a plane for that. Eight years later Bly was officially a member of the Navy in 1770. When he was 16 he joined the HMS Hunter as an able seaman. It's all coming together. And by the way when I said seaman and Adelaide they lost their shit. Might have been when the guy yelled the Jaina. And how tough is that? You've worked over half your life in one job and now they're like now you can

actually do your job. What? I spent 60% of my years at this fucking thing. Now you're ready. Now you can make money. He got seven years left on earth. Let's take advantage of him. He's 16. In 1776 he joined James Cook's voyage, third voyage. He mostly drew charts and plans. The trip did not end well. James Cook traveled to Hawaii and on the first stop they were greeted very kindly. On the second stop they were greeted as gods. The Hawaiians thought they were gods. Wait the first trip they were just like what's up guys. On the second trip they were like oh my god the ones we've read about. Basically I don't know what happened. It's us from earlier. You're

fantastic now. The light is just... You've been doing something different. You're gods now. I don't know what it is. And then on the third stop one of the crew was wounded and died and then they're like you're not gods. And then they ended up stoning the captain to death. So that's how Captain Cook died. Whoa. That's about a 180. Yeah. Don't fuck around in Hawaii is what I would say. Although have you read Hawaii Nice? It's fucking great. It's like it's like a snow cone but it's like a snow cone you've ever... This is not in here. This is a menu. I also love how it took a guy dying for them to realize that they're not gods. Well they thought like is there someone to take a shit? It's like no worries god. Yes

there's a toilet over there. Take a shit. I'm pretty tired. Yeah gods do get that way. What if you died? What the fuck? Let's just say you never want to meet your idols. They're really always a let down. Now I want to hear the story of someone going to an island and taking and they're thinking he's a god then he takes a shit they're like what the fuck? That would be the best story ever. Some god. So then they killed him so so then William Bly took over the ship and immediately shot cannons at the Hawaiians as he left and killed a bunch of them and was like fuck you. Boy god's an asshole huh? Who leaves like that? And then sailed back to

England. Took him a couple years. He came back as a fucking hero. They're like look at what you did. You took over a ship after the cabin got hit in the head with a rock. Pretty low bar back then. That's a pretty low bar to jump over. Now William was not promoted. He was the only officer who was not promoted after the journey because he was a dick. Real snub. By being raised on ships and then the Navy William Bly learned all the skills and verbal talents to be a great asshole. He could swear were the best of them and he was not very nice. Besides having a horrendous personality. He was short. Had an incredibly oversized head. He had a

weak chin and a receiving hairline and it has been said his body was gorilla-like. It's almost like you're not meant to spend your full many views on the sea. I'm 18. How is everyone? Don't drink seawater. I think it came together great right? He sounds like he's made by Pixar. His bubble head would be just him. His bubble head is just a regular head. This is his bubble head. It doesn't do anything. Look at him. What do you guys love about him? So he had short man syndrome. He was aggressive and overbearing on top of it all and of course these delightful qualities and physical attributes is

why Elizabeth Betham married him in February 1781. He's got it all. Oh my god. Gorilla body, disproportionate head, bad attitude, swears terribly. She was from Glasgow and the daughter of a customs officer. She was also the niece of Duncan Campbell, merchant ship owner and contractor in charge of the convict hulks in England. Right? Okay. So fucking money. Okay. Money. Money. So he was marrying up. He served under... I mean he didn't sound like he had much of a choice. Yeah. Little fell like that. He could have married like a cross. He's been like you got a face and married that person. Sure. Sure. But he but he married to, you know,

a career bump. Right. Is he one of the first like batting out of their league dudes? Yeah. Well, actually there were a lot of dudes batting out of their league in Australian history. This is really common. And even today, if you look around, I'm one. So, Blythe was marrying up. He served under Campbell in West India from 1783 to 1787. So Joseph Banks, who was sort of in charge of all the nonsense of going around to other places and ruining everything. It's a long title, but I'm good at it. He kept his eye on Blythe ever since the horrific James Cook voyage. Banks also

super into slavery. That was his jam. So he wanted to slash all the money they were using to feed the slaves. Wait, I mean... He was like, well that's, that just seems like a big budget for all the food that they're... Do they have to eat? I mean... That one I've even stood out. Like being into slavery in the 1700s, that's like being into Paleo Dot now. It's like, I've tried it. I've tried it myself. I might go back to it. So he wants to cut down all the money they're using to feed these slave people. And his answer to this annoying issue of feeding slaves was to plant breadfruit trees for them to eat in the Caribbean. I think the little laughter happening is

people who actually know what breadfruit is. What is, David, what is breadfruit? Fruit bread? Like fruit toast? I don't know. That's a plant? It's fucking amazing. I'm a health nut. I'm only eating this right now. Find a mouth. Well, okay, so they're from Tahiti and this is all I could find to describe it, which doesn't mean anything to me, but it's like jackfruit? I believe for the people at home, someone's boiled it down to it tastes like shit. So it's like a big, hard green thing. And I guess people are like, well, slave should eat that. It's kind of planted it in the Caribbean.

Well, the idea is to take them from Tahiti to the Caribbean and set them up there. There you go, guys. So Bly had experience in Tahiti, so Banks recommended him. He also wanted Bly because he was a tough son of a bitch, right? He was a fucking hard ass. And Banks had converted a lot of the... So on the ship, he converted a lot of the cabin, especially the main cabin, into an area where the breadfruit trees would be kept, and then so people couldn't stay in there. So now William Bly has made the commander of the HMS bounty. Have you heard of that? Yeah. You bet I have, dude. You want me to tell the rest of the story or should we go through the exercise? A big... A big problem of this journey was that

Bly was the only commissioned officer, and Bly couldn't handle incompetence. And if anyone in the crew showed the least bit of it, he would completely lose his fucking mind. It's a good thing on a ship. Well, it's a good thing on a ship, you know what I mean? Because no one makes mistakes. Nope. Not awkward at all in those, like, cramped quarters. Get out of here! Go to your room. There's trees in it. Shut the fuck up. Go to your room. Say it here. I'll pit. Well, look, I apologize. I'll be honest. I apologize. I'm little and have a gorilla body. I lose my cool. What can I say? A complex. So, so there's not a lot of room on the ship, right? They're more cramped in than they usually

are, and they set sail on... Imagine how much they hated that fucking tree. Yeah. Yeah, you know, they seeds, you asshole. You know, that is a great point, and if we weren't in the middle of the ocean... Why don't we just take the fruit and plant the fucking seeds? All trees. That's the only way those things go. Breadfruit trees start as trees. So, the ship set sails on November 28th, 1787. Now, it's packed, but Bly had managed to find room for a blind Irish fiddle player to be honest. Only the necessities. Okay, so, okay. Was this guy's catchphrase? Has anyone seen my fiddle? Has anybody... Boy, I could do my job if I just had the fiddle.

Oh, it's right here somewhere. Oh, it says that's a mop in that room. Hello? Am I still on the boat? Could someone top me if I... Boy, I've lost my fiddle! Oh! Oh, my boy! Okay, she's here. Which way's whomp? Oh, diddly deep breadfruit. He's just talking to the breadfruit tree. You know, you're my best friend, Tommy. You've always had my back, you half. You don't judge me and you let me say whatever I want. Now, he did just bring the blind Irish fiddle player on board for the hell of it. He had an idea behind it. So, these guys would work a full day, but Bly also believed in getting exercise. Lift up that blind guy. 10 reps. Pick up the Irish fiddle. I don't like this game.

I feel like Ben Bradger had the fast pretenses. It's a really fucked up game of Marco Polo. Let's see. Marco, fish out of water! So, after they would work the whole day, Bly would force all the sailors onto the deck and make them dance Irish jigs for three hours. Three hours! Is this the beginning of Riverdance? Three hours! You know, I don't know what I hate more. Work or the break. Just a little shit, just making this little Irish guy play. Three hours! I'm going to go pamper the tree some more. So, oddly, the crew didn't enjoy this. And they started going to the ship's doctor to ask for medical reasons not to do the Riverdance.

I'm allergic to bullshit. Can I? Well, he's blonde. He's still joining in. Yeah. So, the doctor was a horrific alcoholic. You know what you guys need is some gin. I can write you a prescription. You're in good feet. You're back at it, huh? Have you tried gin? Ask me if gin's right for you. That's mine. That's not yours. How did you get in here? You had an appointment. I hate my brother. Never hugged me. Are you my 530? 530? Huh? Who lets you in here? Give him my gin!

So, the doctor hated Bly because for the first couple of weeks, the doctor would just drink himself unconscious every day. So, Bly made him stop drinking. He took away his booze. So, the doctor was livid. So, whenever a guy would come down to say he didn't want to do the river dance, Bly, the doctor would say he had scurvy, which would piss Bly off because that meant you weren't running your ship right. And so, Bly and the doctor fucking hated each other. But all the sales were like, I got scurvy. I can't dance. You know there's an Australian comedian that got scurvy like 20 years ago, Chris Franklin? Do you guys know who Chris Franklin is?

He was in the Navy. He got scurvy. How fucked up? Oh, I was gonna say what a terrible festival that was. You're in the scurvy room. Have you done it before? VB and me pies for six months. And he got scurvy in the 20th century. Oh, Australia. You guys keep giving. Polio's so in right now. I got that at the Sydney festival. So, Bly was... So, Bly upset the Bounties old and sort of experienced Master, the guy who was supposed to be the next in charge when he appointed the young and good looking Fletcher Christian to take over for him and be the second in charge. Christian was a young poor man. His family had come from wealth,

but then his dad died and his mother blew the family fortune on, quote, buying miniature portraits and bonnets. Fucking hell. Look what you had to do before there were pokey machines. You really had to fucking go out of your way to blow the cash. Mother, where are you going today? To town to get some supplies. Any mini bonnets? We need more. We need more. I'm worried we don't have enough. Tiny small pictures too. I'm allowed to do with it what I want. And I'm crazy. So Christian ran off and joined the Navy. He had stars tattooed on his breast and ass in classic, classic Seaman style. He was very good looking though. He was also, quote, subject to violent perspirations, particularly in the hands. So he soils anything he handles. Oh, good. Good.

He's a fucking sweater. Sweaty-handed man. Sweaty-handed. He's his hands. Have you ever met anyone whose hands sweat? I don't think to this level where it's something they're remembered for. Violent perspirations. It's like the first Spider-Man. You just keep trying to shake their hand. Great to meet you. Anyway, Bly, he was a family friend and Bly really liked him. So he treated a bit more like a son than a regular crew member. But at the same time, when Christian did not meet expectations, Bly would lose his shit and flip out and scream and swear at him in front of the crew. So it's a good trip. Yeah, cool. Cool. He, Bly, flogged the first sailor in March, so about five months in. He was hoping he wouldn't have to beat anybody with a whip. Yeah. But this

guy, for insolence, he was like, yeah, we gotta beat you. So he's already kicking it off. He's kicking it off. Flogging was awesome. Flogging was a big thing back then. If you were a sailor, you could legally just be beaten with a whip. Just good times. So it was part of the reason you took the job. So the crew arrived in Tahiti, which was obviously a paradise compared to the fucking ship. They ended up staying for 23 weeks because they're ready for the breadfruit trees to grow in the travel pots. Sure, sure, sure. As you do. There were a thousand travel pots. Okay. During the time there, there are 18 of the crew got VD. Cool, cool, cool. Fucking. Okay, not from the travel pots. Nope. I wasn't sure what happened.

These breadfruits done something real weed, dammit. Hey, guys, we're all fucking the breadfruit, right? Okay, cool. We should start calling dibs because, whew. Jack off fruit, you know what I mean? Okay. While they were there, the ship's doctor had the time to drink himself today. Wow. Good, good. 23 weeks. Good effort. Oh, man. That's so great. Well, I'll be on the ship. Let me know if you need it. So, he's gone, which was nice for Bly. They finally got their breadfruit trees, but so now they're all, now the breadfruit trees are all the shit, the thousands. So, now it's super cramped. Oh my god. As if things weren't great. It's a breadfruit mosh pit. You're just like jammed in. Oh my god. Remember when we hated the one? Holy shit, I missed those days.

So, everyone's a pack below deck. They're also, they also were worried that the rats and the cockroaches on the ship would eat the breadfruits, so they poisoned them, which they didn't usually do on ships. They had like a cat or something, so they poisoned them. So, at night or when they were sleeping, we'd just be like reigning dead cockroaches and rats. You think you'd cleared that shit off before you left? Just half way across the island? That's something you want to rat something out in the middle of the water. That's a feature. I mean, if you've ever done a Disney cruise, it's the same deal. Yeah. Yeah. These rats don't talk though. That's the difference. So, now the ship is being filled with the decaying smells of little dying things

that are falling on the seamen while they sleep in their hammocks. And then you... What a paradise. It's good. It's a good fucking trip. And then you couple this with Bly losing his mind all the time and 16 men actually left before they even left the dock, right? So, 16 guys were like, fuck this. I'm gonna stay in a Tahiti. Yeah. Good course. Totally. I don't know if you've ever been to England and Tahiti. Yeah. Without question. The first time I got, I'd be like, no, this is where I live now. No, I'm good. How bad is that gig where you're like, hey, man, I got VD and no job, but fuck it. This is better. This is better. Yeah. The whole of the blind fiddle players there. Am I staying or going? I cut down. It's really nice here,

by the way. Oh, man, it seems nice. Are we on the ship or not? That really does seem like the first Zumba class. Just an Irish blind guy and a group of you dancing along terribly. So a bunch of them stayed. What happened in Hawaii too? We know when they first, I didn't mention this, but when they first got to Hawaii, they traded nails for sex. Well, I think your eyes are weird. They got there in the Hawaiians, you're like, what the fuck are these? They're like, they're nails. Your nails, it's what I'm going to do to your women. Do you understand what we're doing here? It's a nail for nail trade. Straight up. So this is when William Black got the nickname,

the bounty bastard by the crew. And things got worse at sea. Things are not going great. There are a few theories as to why everything went to shit so fast. Okay. I think you've named them. New ones, new takes. Let's try and figure this one out. A lot of people say it was just because they left Tahiti. Okay, that seems fair. Bly said it was because he filled the ship up with trees instead of Tahitian women, which 100% agree with. What if we take the ladies instead of the trees? What if we take the ladies and plant them in the crib here? New plan. Let's just take a bunch of women. Some believe that Christian was in love with Bly and that the one-way street made him crazy. Others think Christian and Bly were getting the one-way street. So Christian's in love with

Bly, that Bly's not giving back to Christian. I'm not going to let you suck my dick. Well, now all I want to do is suck a dick, Bly. To see how vexing my position is. And what do you say now? All I'm going to do is act. And that theory makes the least sense. It's like, what do you think's going wrong here? I think that hot guy wants to fuck the bald midget. Every time I see your gorilla body walking across the deck, I lose my mind. Parading around in that outfit, you sex cat. Has anyone seen my peddle? Sweet God. Others think Christian and Bly were getting it on in Tahiti, having a delightful Tahiti romp. Tahitian adventure, yeah. And that came to an end when they left Tahiti and Christian totally lost it then. Christian also got VD. He was one of the

VDers. Oh, cool. I know if that's the correct term. Not a great thing to be a peddle. If he had VD, how did Bly not have VD? Because he was VD. We're going to have to take a break to explain biology. But really, how does he not, how do you not, VD, you don't get from... Well, if you have a boyfriend and then your boyfriend comes back with VD, you might be like, I'm not going to fuck you, but you're fucking around on me, clearly. Okay, so there's no fucking. We don't know if there's fucking or not. They could have just been doing jerk-offs. I'm not suggesting you get VD from a hand job. The anal course. Yeah. Some of them will suck or whatever. Say, this is why you made a doctor around me. Two tops. Because did somebody say, doctor? What I'm saying is that Bly and Christian

were both tops. So there's no bottom. A lot of alcoholics experience that. And I think we're talking about the same bottom. On April 27th, 1789, shit went down on the valley. Now, they had already been having a lot of problems, a lot of, since they left, a lot of anger, a lot of people being upset with Bly. And then on this day, Bly counted his coconuts and found that he was a couple short. Well, you didn't let us know he was a coconut hoarder till now. I thought lost his coconuts was like a euphemism for going insane. Yeah. He lost his coconuts. This guy's a few coconuts. You know what I mean? So he starts screaming at the crew and... Somebody's taking my coconuts!

This little man. He demanded the entire crew bring up their coconuts for coconut accounting. Come on! What kind of coconuts have a campionist? You think you know a group? So they all brought their coconuts up and his missing coconuts were still not accounted for. He then told Christian to tell him where the coconuts were hidden. In my pants. I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! They're in my pants!

I'm sick of just doing you stuff. Christian said he didn't know, and then he hoped that Bly didn't think he took them, and Bly flipped out yelling, yes, you damn hound, I do! You must have stolen them from me, or you could have given a better account of them. God damn you! You scoundrels! You're all thieves, alike, and combined with the men to rob me. I suppose you'll steal my Gams next! You yams cunts! And then after the yams, I mean you're off to the races, anything's fair game. Of course, that makes the most sense, because yams and coconuts together, delicious.

Really, that isn't a... What a shit meal. A far overreaction for coconuts. What, going from coconuts to yams? No, I mean it's just being upset about coconuts. Yeah, there's a little bit of juice in them, sure. Have you ever really had a coconut on a ship? You're on a ship? Have you ever been on a Disney cruise? No, I've never had E. Coli.

No, you can get a better cabin than that though. How do you know you're not E. Coli? So, after the coconut... thing... He didn't even ask anyone if they didn't like coconuts? Like, hey guys, I'm missing a few, does anybody... Just a guy with an egg going, I fucking hate these. Yeah, I'm going without them. It's the principle of the coconut tax.

So, Christian had had it. He got the most irritated guys on the crew, and took the bounty's weapons, and took control of the ship. But he was surprised at how many people were not down with the mutiny. About half of the crew were like, no, this is... No, I'm fine with being yelled at about coconuts. If you've ever been on a ship, dude, it's a fucking bummer. All captains yell at you about coconuts.

So, he had about 18 men loyal to him, and a little bit more, and they were put in a 23-foot boat, and set off. Okay. What? It just seems weird. Why? How... How would you do a mutiny?

Social media. Hey, mate, we're taking over the ship, like... Hashtag mutiny, hashtag today. Hashtag no more coconuts. Um, you know, you know, well, they... So, how does that work, though? Like, what... So, they put them on a little, like, you know, an open boat.

It's very... Okay, it's just very simple. Yeah? It's kind of just cute, you know? Mutiny! Get your stuff. Let's go to this other ship here. I mean, there was more to it.

They, like, tied his hands behind his back, and then they had a big fight on the deck, and some guys were like, I'm going with another guy. They're like, fuck off. It's not a lot of fighting. I thought mutiny was more... I don't think there was a lot of fighting.

Mutiny on the bounty, I mean. One group had all the weapons, and the other group were like... We're cool with anything you say. That makes a lot of sense to us. This would have... This is how mutinies work. Cool. All right.

I can't help it that you don't know how a mutiny goes down. You're right. You can't help that. So all these guys are put on the boat. They were given some water, rum, wine, biscuits, breadfruit, and coconuts. We have a dietitian up for it, and they say this will be good, so... Can we have the nutritionist?

Can he come with us? Can he come with us? I could make one trip. I have the doctor's son. Did you forget he was dead? Yeah. Well, no, I'm the nutritionist now. I'm his son. What happened?

To be birthed on a ship with no women. My mother's a rat. Now, I could not find out what happened to the Irish blind fiddler. That makes sense though. That's one of those guys you just lose track of. I pray to God. Something like...

Is it just me or is no one asked where their fiddle is for four days? Well, he's just on an island like, France? Hello? Hello? Oh, no, that's water too. Oh, no.

So the 23-foot boat was so packed that no one could lie down. They had to constantly bail water out of it to keep it from sinking, because there were too many guys in the boat, right? Sausage party. They saw... I mean, that's the name of this next part.

Sausage party. I like one man in the boat, but any more than that is... This is not what I thought it would be. So they saw a nearby island, and they went there to get more supplies, but that didn't work out great, as the islanders living there

weren't big fans of the white man, and they quickly attacked them. One crew member jumped out of the boat to try to fight them and push their boat out, and he was stoned to death in the water. That's just a bold move to just be like, one, two, three, go!

Is it just me? Oh, God, stop. Rock, rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks! Stop, stop! Bly wrote that it was fine because that crew member was the fattest guy on... I love how Bly's taking people down a peg. He was disgusting! We lost the guy, more like two,

and we lost that piece of shit. So he said he was fat, so he would have slowed down the boat and been a problem when it came to the lack of food. You could probably lay down now. At least one guy could. True. Open up a little bit of room. Things were great on the tiny ship,

even though it was full of his loyalists. He tried to keep them happy. He told them stories and sang them songs. More coconuts? Oh, God. Three hour dance party guys? Gentle dance, too. Gentle dance. We're taking on water. So in this area of the Pacific,

they decided to avoid the islands in case, you know, they kept getting hit by rocks in the head. Bly gave the ship butcher a quote-quote good beating. The ship butcher? Yeah. Well, he's not a butcher now. I mean, on this tiny ship,

he's not, what are we going to do with the cow? You guys want to take care of this? Try pouring a half, try pouring a half, 12-dollars, try pouring a half. He's like, Mike, take it down. Just fucking whisper the prices, Mike. Who wants the T-bone of this coconut? Kill me.

Why was I brought here? We'll need a butcher, too. And a postman. Yeah, this part is very confusing because he gave the butcher a quote-good beating for eating nine raw seabirds instead of sharing them with everyone. I think he's already received his beating.

Now, I don't know how you pulled that off on a tiny ship, but I would love to watch some guy eat tiny seabirds. You have to be doing the cartoon thing where feathers are coming out of your mouth. Like, is it just me or were we... I thought there were more seabirds. You thought there were more seabirds?

I have no idea what you're speaking of. I need water. And then when they got a little farther away from the Pacific Islands, like when they got close to Australia, they started stopping there, smaller islands, and getting oysters and eating, like...

I still can't get over the nine seabirds. It's hard to fucking understand. Like, just a guy over in the corner of the ship. Yeah, like he... And it's, like, raw. Raw seabirds. Hey, what do you got there? What do you do?

What do you do? Oh, my God, I think I found the coconuts. They're downstairs. Oh, my God, I caught myself saving again. Oh, I was trying to give it to my feather goatee. It's like a marshmallow challenge. He's got seven in. Can you say chubby bunny?

I mean, he's just going to be eating them, like fish, like cartoon cats eat fish. Just like... What do you do? And he may be caught. Yeah, anyway, keep going. Sorry, I just obsessed with him. Blah. Blah had a horrific argument with another crew member

over the best way to make oysters stew. Yo, stop it, Eddie! Everything. I know everything! He was apparently a stickler when it came to oysters. Because he got into another argument with a different crew member over the mollusks and challenged him to a duel.

I'm willing to die from my point on mollusks. The guy who was second in charge, then got involved and said he would... He tried to stop the fight, and then Blah said he would kill him. So oysters are causing a lot of problems. Yeah. This was known as the oyster episode.

Oh, good. So, but there wasn't... So they didn't kill each other, but they... I'm going to kill Patrick! No, no, no, he's a good bloke! No, no, no, I mean, oysters! Oyster kill Patrick! Okay, but the thing about Blah, even though he was a monster, he was still a great sailor,

and he navigated... I thought you were going to say singer. Great singer. For his many faults. Beautiful voice. So he's just banging out just gospel tune after gospel tune. So he navigated

3,681 miles across the ocean in 41 days, and arrived at a Dutch Timor. This was the longest open boat voyage in history. During the trip, he managed to chart part of the coast of New Holland. Oh, yeah.

Partially the original myself. When Blah returned to England two years later, he was... He was honorably acquitted by the court-martial that tried him for the loss of the ship. How does that work? So he got there, they're like, where's the fucking ship?

He's like, I don't know. Have you guys seen it? I thought I left the keys or whatever with you. So apparently that was a mandatory thing that court-martialed you if you lost a ship. But he was acquitted.

But he got a smaller one. It's like Dumb and Dumber when he's tried it in the van for the little motorboat. I've got a 13 person yacht now. I did tours. Everyone called him a hero, but then the crew started telling stories about how horrible he was and the worms started to turn.

They called him a hero, why? First he was a hero because he survived and he did everything he did. But then the behind-the-scenes story. Behind the Bly. While Bly was known to be... Bly, hide the scenes. Thank you, sir.

Everybody else here is wrong besides you, sir. But somewhere Will Anderson just exploded in the glitter. I love when he does that. While Bly was known to be extremely hot tempered, swearing quote well and vigorously,

it was probably his losing it over any incompetence that made crusade him. His outbursts were often short-lived. That's awesome. Just violent spikes of rage. Yeah. Swearing well and vigorously. He would fucking flip out of here

and be like, your motherfucking shit. You have fucking time for your coconuts. And then two minutes later he'd be like, so you guys want to get dinner? It was like, I don't know what's happening. Territz? That guy's gone. He was the fattest he deserved to go,

but I miss Charles. I do look back to Charles. But at the end of the day, the crews were not a big fan of a captain who goes bug fuck every time they make a mistake. It turns out they don't deal with captains that well

when they do that. So naturally, sir Joseph Banks put Bly in charge of another Titian's breadfruit tree run. You're the only one who's learned the most lessons. So he puts it... And when you're back there, you could

be an Irish fiddler. You're getting a lot of letters about him. I just want that... This is my wife, Stacy. She's a rock with seaweed on her. I found out a week ago. But I can't stay mad at that face.

So he takes over another ship to Providence and sails to again, to Tahiti. Yeah, it worked out so well. Why not put the guy in charge again? So this time he picks his nephew to be the second in command. And in about three weeks, his nephew

who had idolized him wanted him dead. During this voyage, he made valuable observations of Tahiti and Fiji and even part of the south sea east coast of Van Diemen's land. It's great though to be a hero you just had to notice shit.

There's a rock there. Go ahead and write that down. That's a bunch of weird shit. I've never seen that before. Let them know. It's big too. Write that down. Real big here. Poison big. A lot of sand. Also put that in the notes. Alrighty, pitter-patter.

Let's get out of here. Back we go. They throw rocks at fat people. I'd like a middle please. Hey, if you're a fat guy, don't go to that island. They hate that, guys. After they pick up the breadfruit trees in Tahiti,

off they went to Jamaica. Again, not a great time. Your crew would spend much of their day carrying breadfruit trees out of the cabins, up to the deck, so they could get sun. Gotta take it for a walk. We all know. We all know that's how trees grow. We feel like I gotta go walk

the trees upstairs because we're dying. They've gotten to somewhere where that brussel mixed up. Did you take it for a run around the park? Yeah, he must smell my fruit tree. Look at that. He's really sniffing it up on my pants. So he also

severely rationed the ship's water, so the water could be used for the trees. And the sailors... Oh my God! The sailors actually started to lick the water off the tree leaves. No sucking leaves! My God!

You'll get a thimble of tea! Guys, you're not allowed to have any water. We're using it for the food for the slaves. You know, the people we hate. That'll show them. Anyway, what's our plan? Who knows? And yet, no mutiny this time.

For the most part, the crew supported him on this voyage. He did have his usual arguments at a big following out with his midshipman, Matthew Flinders. Flinders was upset because he wanted more credit for his charting because the voyage was so successful,

but Bly would not give him credit and they did not like each other. He has a street named after him in Melbourne. Right, yep. I do think I pretend I know everything. When when Bly was on this ship, the surviving members of the Mutiny on the Bounty

were court-martialed. They came out about Bly, and the allegations that Bly's tyranny caused the mutiny stuck, and they're still believed today. Now people are more sympathetic to Fletcher Christian, who spread a VD

across the Pacific and murdered tons of people. Bly finally made it to Jamaica where the slaves refused to eat the bread food. Hey, well, that's the good news. That's good, at least. So, yeah, they thought it was shit and they were like, yeah, no, that's not...

We'd rather die. It's a fucking shit fruit. What about shit fruit? Can we call it that? Don't please just eat some in front of the crew. It's disgusting. Pretend you like it in front of the crew, please.

It's disgusting. We'll have a fucking bobsled team with that shit. So Bly returned to England, but because of the mutiny trial, he did not get the same reception as when he returned the last time. A few of those above him did not want him

to command another ship. He was forced to wait two years before he was given another command. Jesus Christ. He still continued on in the Navy after he was once again involved in a mutiny. Although this time, people try to pin on Bly,

but there's actually a revolt of sailors across the Navy about wages and treatment. The mutiny on several ships at once, so Bly's dick-headedness had little to do with this one. It turns out the... the best position to be in in the Navy at that time

was to be a... a tree. You got the most water, you got walked around, you got a sweet room. Yep. You know it's tough when you're like,

God, the tree's good. To be a tree. In the 1801 battle of Copenhagen, Bly performed well, so Ellie was brought to command the HMS Monarch in 1803. He was appointed to the warrior

to survey the entrance to a river in northern France. Once again, he had a problem with the crew. What is he going to get a good crew? He can't catch a fucking break. This time, he had one of his lieutenants arrested for neglect of duty,

even though the ship's doctor said the man was too injured to work. Bly had it arrested, even though the doctor's like, yeah, he can't move his leg. I know, that's why I want him fired. He's doing a terrible job

ever since you got your hands on him. So back in England, that lieutenant was acquitted in a court-martial, and then he accused Bly of having, quote, grossly insulted and ill-treated him, and then Bly was court-martial. He'll switch a route.

Now, Bly was forced to defend himself in court, and the court-martial found the charges to be proved, and Bly was reprimanded in order to, quote, be more correct in his language in the future. You are guilty!

You will be nicer! I sent you to be less of an asshole. That's England. Now, Bina, now in Australia, there had been a couple of rebel uprisings in which mostly Irish

convicts had attempted and failed to take over the government. Shocking! Shocking! You know, the problem is, we just haven't found a route country yet. Ah, we need a fiddle player. Let's get this

rebel group going! Get a fiddler! I'm afraid my wife won't let me fiddle any more. She points it to be juvenile. She's a rock with seaweed hair.

She's a hard woman. How you doing? Warm corona, mate, lovin' love. It's just like those commercials, right? Yeah, on the beach where the crumb is never very nice. Yeah, that's what I've been thinking the whole time. I'm on the beach with a bunch of jackfruit.

V.D. itchin'. My dick's burnin' and the B is warm. Delicious. Warm beer, my dick's burnin' and the guy's lookin' for his fiddle behind me. I think I'll stay put, gentlemen. I know heaven what I'm feelin' it. So, England is looking for a strong leader who wouldn't put up

with a lot of shit to take over. No, what? The Australian, the New South Wales government. What we need is an awesome... Sir Joseph Banks. Sir Joseph Banks, who has recommended him for the two breadfruit runs, recommends Bly

again. But it's not like a lot of commanders were biting, you know, to take a shot at New South Wales which was considered to be a shit hole. I know. It's so cute how Australians all don't like each other.

He didn't say nothing but great things about you. You can't throw out that softball pitch here in Queensland, right? It's a bit of a shit hole. Anyone? Fucking government! Someday you'll listen to a podcast in which Gareth accidentally said that he roots

penguins. I believe I said I'm rooting penguin. That's exactly what he said. Where I'm from rooting means to fuck. And, Nick,

it all makes sense suddenly. And by the way, that is what I meant. Can a guy come out in front of some of his friends this day and age? I'm a penguin root. Me out!

So, Blythe was officially offered the job of the governor of New South Wales. It came with a salary of 2,000 pounds which was doable, which was double the previous guy. The salary increase was because no one wanted the shit job. Blythe took some time to think it over

then he accepted, but he didn't set sale until February 1806 Blythe's wife was not down with it and she decided to stay in England as did five of his daughters. Blythe ended up bringing his oldest daughter Mary who was 22. Okay.

Sure she's going to stand by that decision. She came with her husband John Putlin. Mary seemed like a chip off the old block. A judge advocate of the colony described her quote, very small, very nice figure, rather pretty but conceded and extremely affected

and proud, God knows of what. So we know which parts from her mom and which parts from her dad. She's got a lot of little bonnets too. But that, I mean, think of the way that whole breakdown is just like sure she's hot, she's got a good figure

but God is she a bitch. To be fair, to be fair to the lady. How bad do you feel for the husband? The daughter's like, come on, you never hang out with my dad. He should go on an eight month cruise with him. He's the worst, you'll hate it. So,

oh, also, I can see the quote, she was extremely violent and passionate. And passionate. Get out of here! And she was she was known to fling a plate or a candlestick at her father's head.

So, it seems like she, that's exactly what she should have. That is to chip off the old block. Now, Bly was given orders to get the colony into shape. He was there to stop the traffic of booze that was obviously the currency in the colony at the time.

The new South Wales, yeah. Looks like a worked out fuckhead. The new South Wales corps were currently running things. They were known as the run corps. They were supposed to implement the policies of the governor or maintain order, but they were just doing what helped them make money.

They were largely recruited from the unemployed in England and saw this as a way to make it. The corps in John MacArthur had broken a few governors at this point, which is why England wanted to go to hard ass. Bly's predecessors, John Hunter, Philip King, and

Governor Philip had tried to get rid of the corps monopoly on trade and cracked on drinking, but they all failed. So, time for the bounty bastard to do what he does. Yeah. Be little and awful. Imagine when he shows up to you like, sir, we're looking for Bly,

not a little gorilla man with a weird bobble head, okay? But I like sir. So, he arrives, and at that point the Francis Gross was in charge. He was the military

corps guy, and he so, he James Foslack just sent me an email. Did you catch it? I gotta take this. Bly arrives on August 6th, 1806. Okay.

He did take over for a week, though. He got here, and then... He's done fuck all work for most of his contract. He's like, I want 2,000 and then what are you going to do? I'll stay at home for a year. Then when I finally turn up to work, fuck that. I'll have another week off.

Time for vacation. I'll be exhausted from all this thinking of work. Well, he did what all white guys do when they get somewhere back then. He claimed a bunch of land for himself. This is fine. 240 acres at Camperdon 105 acres of Parramatta

1,000 acres near Rouseville. He never mentioned these land grants to England. Why do you think though? I don't know. It's all the western suburbs. They're the shitpots. It's embarrassing. And then he started the job and then he started cracking down on

large land grants. Good. Earn the trust and get into it. So I wanted to get rid of the huge estates that existed in New South Wales. Sure. Besides this. I've been walking around my 1.5 million acres

that I got for free and I've been thinking this is wrong. What are we going to do about it? It gets the thinking of that much land. By the way, land I have. Lots of it. He put an end to the large grants that allow people like John MacArthur to do so well even though

a gentleman arriving to the colony who had agreements with England, they would be getting large plots of land. This upset three very important men, Robert Townsend, Debra Bunker and Captain Short. Now, Bly had fought with Captain Short on the way to Australia. As if they're not calling Bly

Captain Short as well. Bly fights with Captain Short. We swapped at birth, I feel like. They were fighting on the way there because Short was actually in charge of the convoy of ships but Bly was the governor of New South Wales

so he thought he should be in charge even though he wasn't supposed to be in charge until he got there. So they would both be giving orders to the ships as what to do. Good. So they kept fighting and yelling at each other and then at some point Bly told the transport ship to change course

and short shot at the ship with a cannon. It's the next logical rational state. It seems like it's getting a little personal. So Bly, you know, yelled fuck off or whatever and then fuck off! And then Bly ended up boarding

bringing his soldiers to board the ship and take over that ship and arrested Captain Short. Well, I needless to say I did not see this coming. When they got to Australia Bly, using statements from officers

of what had occurred, stripped Short of his captaincy and he gave the captaincy to his son-in-law. Then he cancelled Short's 600 acre land grant which was his payment for the voyage. Bly then shipped him back

to England for a court-martial where he was quickly acquitted. The ruling was that Bly was legally in the right but he was such a dick that he could have stopped the situation by they were just like you should have just talked to him. Why didn't you just fucking talk to him?

And that's basically what the English court said. What about talking to the guy? Did you try that? Nope. So, uh... Come on. Frostype. I should have turned off the emails because I'm getting...

There's a lot of... He bothers me with his art. It worked. Well... He's helping me with my book. What an asshole. So, uh... I just want to say hey to James. I love you.

I love your art. So, when Bly first took over there was a horrific flood in Hawkesbury. And then there was a big drop-off in supply ships and convicts coming because the Napoleonic Wars kicked off. So, Bly actually helped out the

people who were screwed over by the flood which was the only good thing he did the whole time he was there. Then he started fighting with John MacArthur. Uh, he got mad at first at John MacArthur for his lack of herdsmen to watch over his sheep. He was like, you know...

I think one of them's here tonight, everybody. Hey! Hey! Hey! Fuck you, Bly. I don't know what I'm laughing at. I don't know. Finally. I realize nothing we can connect with.

But shit, I'll tell that. Hey! Uh, but the reason he didn't have a lot of convicts over the sheep was because there weren't that many arriving in ones that were there being freed. But apparently he didn't like MacArthur's response.

Bly then said about trying to ruin MacArthur. He ordered him prosecuted for importing stills. He didn't allow MacArthur to buy from the government store. And when that happened, MacArthur responded, it would be better if he gave it to me and some of the other respectable gentlemen

of the colony if he does not, he will perhaps get another voyage in his launch again. Wow. Quite a clear threat. I feel like we've all heard that from someone who's pissed. Bly threatened to take away MacArthur's best lamp.

And it was on. MacArthur was now going to get rid of Bly like he had the other three governors. The other rich guys also wanted to get Bly tossed as well. And Bly wanted to improve the appearance of Sydney. So he told those illegally

residing on time plots to move. He questioned the leases of a bunch of rich guys saying their lands conflicted with his town plans. And when Bly tried to have a meeting with the wealthy men over the issues, they were so incompetent that he fucking lost it again.

That's right. Yes, a little night. Napoleon was like, dude, calm the fuck down. I get it, but I get it, dude, but pump the brakes. It'll make sense in the future. The boat brakes.

Pump the boat brakes. And Bly wasn't done. He made all the ex-convict traders angry when he put three of their most important leaders in prison for writing a letter that he thought was offensive. He gave them three months.

What did it have to say for him to think it was offensive? It's written too big. My little eyes. Help me lift this pen. He then made the colonies workers angry for fixing wages. He suspended a corps officer

from his assistant a search and position for employing, quote, invalids at his home. He's taken guys. He's taken the fucked up guys. Yeah, you work here. And then things got really bad

with the New South Wales corps one day in church. His daughter, Mary, was a bit of a fashion buff. And she was always draped in the latest hot items. In 1807, the big craze was Egyptian muslin.

So gauze. What? Egyptian muslin. So it's very thin. It's like you can see through it. It's like a gauze. We got backwards, man! It's almost... It's a very fancy material. Sure.

But she's wearing it around. So Mary tossed on the muslin dress and went to church with her dad. Bold look! Now, the thing about the ladies in London when they wore this was that they wore petticoats underneath.

She's just straight up tits out. God, God love her. This is definitely not Virgin Mary. This is... But it's hot as shit in Australia, so she wouldn't wear a petticoat and said she had on a very small, tight pair of pantaloons.

Jesus. Under the dress. It went on just filling up. Oh, sorry. Which showed off the shape of her body. So, Blyat to the church with his daughter, and the son

struck them from behind. Which showed off Mary's frame completely. All the soldiers in church lost their shit. Stood to salute. Laughing like crazy and hooting and hollering. And Mary then fainted. And Blyat...

She fainted? Yeah. What else are you going to do with that? Like in old school. I like that. Mr. Darcy. And then Blyat let loose with one of his every other swear word rants kind of thing. He showed up like making the church for that time.

I can't believe soldiers acted strangely. Oh, yeah. So Blyat then wanted to destroy the core. And he looked for more ways to piss people off. Next he told people who had leases on land that was adjacent to the government house to knock down their homes and leave. He had a great reason though.

He wanted a better view. Ah, well, that makes sense. Fair, right? Yeah. He just wanted a big old backyard. Come on. He also made sure his own land had plenty of convict labor to farm, even though that was exactly what he first

went after MacArthur about. He also fed the convicts from government stores. And he took the livestock from government herds. He said that his land was a model to show settlers the benefits of affecting effective farming. Also his son-in-law Puttland had his farm well stock

with convict laborers as well. And so they were having... the two of them had very profitable farms. Sounds close to slavery sometimes. Nope. Okay. Nope. It's just having...

It's just a rescue guy for having a handkerchief and then making him work for 10 years. Guys, this is the model. This is the model of how we should live. That is amazing. Can I have some land? Fuck off! What can I do with this man? So when people said that they should

actually pay the laborers like everyone else or else they wouldn't be making great profits, Bly said that he would do that. Of course I'll do that. In time. Things were very intense on the colony and to make matters worse, there was no money which created a complex barter system.

Convicts were paid in goods and by that I mean run. Jesus. He declared all the promissory notes should be paid in sterling. This was mainly because a year earlier MacArthur and a man named Thompson had fought over the value of a promissory

note that had been paid in wheat. Wait. You cannot have the currency be consumable goods. It's like I had $50 in here. Oh fuck I had it. Fuck. Late at night I should have bought some chips. I'm not eating my money anymore.

I'm just... Do you have that $5 you owe me? Yeah, here's a fish. Is that where the term pineapple came from? That was a 50. It was an edible... We're referred to 50s as pineapples because they're yellow.

We know dude. We're always saying got checked for pineapple? Can you guys peel this pineapple? Yeah, we totally get it. So Bly was annoying the shit out of the officers in the New South

of course so much that Major George Johnson complained to the commander chief and Bly's response was to say the core should be relieved of duty. Yep. So he then tried to stir it up by saying no man's land in the colony was safe with Bly in charge which you know he was kind of right.

It wasn't hard to get people to back MacArthur in his fight against Bly. Bly ended up bringing legal action against MacArthur for quote a variety of misdemeanors and outrageous offensive. Unfortunately drunk and in debt to MacArthur Judge Richard Atkins was presiding

over the trial. Booze is a big player. I mean... It hasn't stopped. Speaking of which, may I have a beer? Yes, absolutely. Good bathroom, see? We say that with nine beers on the table.

I mean I think part of the thing that's interesting Dave, what was the story? I was said it's somewhere nice. Judge Boozy. I find you not... Has anyone seen my keys? Why would you like

to hear a little tune? Sorry guys, I'm very hungover. I'm going to be very quiet on the hammer this morning. So MacArthur got nine leading citizens to sign a petition asking for Major George Johnson to take control.

Using MacArthur's cry that no man's time was safe, Major Johnson claimed that quote, insurrection of massacre were imminent because Bly was about to go nuts and subvert the laws of the country. Doesn't sound like our Bly. So now he's Trump.

Johnson went to the barracks on January 26th, 1808 and told the troops he was now lieutenant governor and was going to kick Bly to the curb. The troops then marched through Sydney. What is the curb? It's coming. You'll kick him to it?

He's little. How far could you kick him? How far away is the curb, I guess is the question. You're fired. You mean there's a fire nearby? The troops then marched through Sydney while a band played British Grenadiers

and a fiddler wept. Shut up and me. Now my wife's dead. The only person who put up a fight was Mary, Bly's daughter who hit them with her parasol. She was in

a black grieving because her husband had just died from consumption. She yelled at them, you traitors, you rebels, you have walked over my husband's grave and now you have come to murder my father. They dragged her aside and went into the government house to find Bly but they couldn't find her. Did they open all the drawers?

I'm silverware. It's a fiddler. Now it turns out Bly had heard these soldiers were coming probably because they were singing. We're coming to get you, Bly. Come on guys, put this up. We're coming to get you, Bly.

Yeah, you're gonna die and your name is Bly and now Sleeve arrived at the door. Let's go, come on guys. So it turns out Bly when he knew they were coming ran upstairs. It took forever, he was like one step,

two step, three step, hurry, Bly, dig deep, baby. I thought my gorilla body would make you faster. I'm gonna need the gatlin gun for this one. So he ran upstairs and put on his fanciest uniform. First things first, look the part for your hiding.

You're gonna risk my own Batman. Oh. So he made plans, he was gonna run to Hawksbury where he had a lot of supporters but he didn't get out in time. And so they searched for him. I'm just picturing this adorable little man in this conundrum.

He wants to get out and he's run upstairs. It's not a great plan. But they searched for him for two hours while Mary screamed at them. Mary's just screaming on their searching and finally they found him upstairs under the bed. I'm pornography.

And did his dad send the army a telegram saying I've got a particular set of skills that I don't want you to know. Now, Bly says that he was not hiding under the bed. I was not. But oddly they couldn't find him for two hours.

I was just not in the bed waiting. Oh, you guys don't reverse sleep ever. You guys cheated. Did you really count to 20 before you started looking? So he was arrested and taken to the military barracks. The colony of New South Wales was now under military rule.

This is their revolution. It's very exciting. Bly was then held in an officer's quarters and Mary stayed with him. They were held there in Sydney for a year. Normal. That's a normal holding pattern. Two and a half years. He's done about three weeks work.

And might as well just hang out on a farm with Hayes a shitty stall. It's a sweet gig. It's a fucking good gig. So the rebels said they would let him go if he sailed back to England, which he said, no. And finally, in February, 1809, he agreed to leave if he was put

on the ship The Porpoise with Mary and a group of his supporters. And then he said he would go. So they put him on the ship The Porpoise. I mean, what an asshole you have to be for them to be like, we'll do anything for you to just fuck off. Like literally, what do you want?

Yeah, a porpoise ship with your feb. Get the fuck out of here. I want a fancy bedroom with eight breadfruit trees in it. Oh, boy. Here we go. Here we go again. I want a blind Irish fiddle up. No, Scottish! Changing it up!

Did somebody say blind Scottish fiddle up, please? Because I've had my eye on a jump for a while. Paired in the pun. Now, have me the bloody fiddle. Is anyone here? I can't even see a bloody fucking shit. Any other bloody occupation?

So he's put on The Porpoise. He's put on The Porpoise. Sounds like you've gained weight. The Porpoise, haven't you? The holidays. It happens to all of us around the holidays. I know it on The Porpoise last year. We're not going to Tahiti. They'll throw rocks at you there.

Bleed him till fudge comes out. So as soon as he was put on the ship, he had a mutiny and they took it over. Jesus. With his own supporters. Yeah. And they locked up the guy in charge of the ship on the ship, which he was on for a year

because that's how long he had the ship. He sailed to Van Diemen's land. Van Diemen's land. Where he was welcomed by Lieutenant Governor David Collins who was in charge there. But Bly remained on the ship while Mary went ashore and stayed in the suite of rooms

at the Hobart Government House. Things between David Collins and Bly quickly soured. So weird. Bly wanted Collins to support him against the rebels. And he and Bly

asked the people of Van Diemen's land to invade New South Wales for him. And they were like, no, we're busy killing the native people. We're not done yet. We're going to be done. Wait until you hear what they did to the penguins. But they were, they're not down with it.

They did not want to invade. And Collins wouldn't even denounce the rebels in New South Wales. And at that point, Bly pissed off David Collins by talking shit about Collins mistress who was pregnant. What?

Nobody talks about I am pregnant and mistress like that. She's a good woman! I'm sorry, what did you say? Nothing, honey. Nothing. Are you good? What have you been doing? You won't believe what happened at work today. A man said something we had never mind.

What were you saying? Show me everything. Collins said, quote, God knows I've never had any malice in my heart until I came into contact with this detestable brute. It sounds like an angry pair of testicles the more I hear about it.

Bly demanded Mary return to the ship. At least small hair, okay. Then Collins refused to allow the colonists to give Bly any supplies or food, so Bly blockaded Hobart for six months. Just the biggest asshole that ever was. You're not going to give me any food?

Well, you can't have any food! Aren't we both... No? Okay. I thought we were both English. We're not? Okay. Collins told this man to fire on Bly if he tried to come ashore again. Eventually Bly ran out of supplies

and now he was starving, so he improvised. Now he would let ships through the blockade if they gave him food, which is not a blockade. It's like a reverse drive-thru almost. Yeah.

Uh-huh, what do you guys have there? Pretty good sandwiches. Blue Tim Tams! We'll take all your Tim Tams. All right, you guys can go through. Seems like you got some nice food for me. It doesn't take much either. Little bites and then water for me.

Very tiny little man. Oh, you've got some spare coconuts. You stole them, didn't you, motherfucker? A new act? Coconuts made me crazy! That's not how you prepare oysters. You're not allowed through the blockade! Get out of here! Now, fuck off!

I'm a bit of a foodie. So, now he's supposed to be a troll. Well... Hey, pay the toll! So, meanwhile, England sent a new governor, McQuarrie, to take over. He was sworn in on January 1st, 1810. He reinstalled

all the officials. Officials Johnson and MacArthur had removed and got rid of the military guys. He canceled all the land grants that were given out. So, now with not much else to do, Bly decided to go back to Port Jackson on January 17th.

So, MacArthur, first, he wouldn't leave the ship because, quote, he would not be received by those who had so lightly threatened to cut his throat. Dude, we had you in a fucking jail for a year. No. No, you want to hurt me? So, finally, McQuarrie sent armed guards

to escort him. He demanded that McQuarrie punish the men who had ended his reign as governor. And McQuarrie was like, no, no. No, you're a fucking asshole. McQuarrie was not impressed with Bly, quote. He is revengeful in the extreme

and I'm sure he would be delighted to hang, draw, and quarter all those who deprived him of his government. So, no one in... So, now he's in Sydney and no one's taking him seriously. On the street, people would jeer at him and mock him.

And then he spent the entire time gathering evidence about the rebellion to bring back to England that those guys arrested and court-martialed. I went up for four months. McQuarrie's brother wrote, he certainly is the most disagreeable person

to have any dealings or public business to transact with. He is a very improper person to be employed in any situation of trust of command and he is certainly detested by high, low, rich, and poor. His comedy festival posters

are quite something so far. For a picture of the shoot, he's like, huh? Me? No. A man that everyone calls detestable. The worst. The littlest prick I've ever seen. A nightmare. Disaster.

Sweet God, I wish I knew what a time machine was and had one. Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries. Jim's actually a nice guy,

but that seemed like it was going to work. When they first arrived, Bly and Mary at dinner with McQuarrie's Lieutenant Governor, Colonel Maurice O'Connor. Four weeks later, O'Connor, accompanied Bly and Mary, talks very far.

And then shit was on between Mary and O'Connor. O'Connor told Bly they wanted to get married. Bly tried to talk Mary out of it and said, you're mine. You're my daughter. No one takes my precious.

Who was her place in me? Mary ended up marrying O'Connor. She's with me, guy. Hands off my lady. Your daughter? Yeah. Don't make it so creepy. I'll be there in a minute, honey. I'll be there in a minute. Oh, come on. Back to back.

I mean, I sleep in a Bjorn under chest. Have you seen her coconuts? Mary then married O'Connor and Bly felt betrayed and he decided to leave. Leaving Mary is a wonderful daughter. Marry me, Mary. You're a daughter. Oh, come on.

We had some good times. It's the 1700s. McQuarrie gave Mary and O'Connor 2,500 acres. Bly then traveled back on the ship with a bunch of the wealthy men and soldiers who had removed him from power. Awkward ship.

The SS uncomfortable. So what else have you guys been doing? Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I've been good. Daughter wouldn't marry me. How's your blockade going? I know you're saying that sarcastically, Jim, but I'll let you know I got a lot of good sandwiches

and mixes out of that. Swimming. Pretty deep and marmalade at that time in my life. Can I say something? Uh, no. Oysters. Not gonna fall for that. No, sir. I've worked on my anger.

Coconuts. Molusks. Molusks. You're funny. Funny guy. Oysters do. Wrong way to make stew, obviously. Stew them. You want to make a fucking soup. Unless you're a fucking idiot

who doesn't have a fucking brain in his fucking head, alright? I'm gonna stand up. I'm gonna stand up. Now listen to me, motherfucker! You listen to me, bitch! I'm sorry. Why are you guys in England on October... I'm back!

Oh, fuck! You're right there on October 25th, 1810. The authorities listen to both sides of the rum rebellion. It just keeps coming back with fights. Me again. These guys are all... Everybody's a fucking asshole out in the Pacific!

They're all cunts! I'm the good one! I'm okay! Fuck! I got little... I got little grill arms. He's poor wife. Where's our daughter?

You'll never guess we had a fight. Really? Is she coming back? No, the bitch ain't, okay? Nice show to her by giving her 2,500 acres. Yeah! Um, so, uh...

They basically thought Johnson and McArthur's accusations against Blyre were bullshit. They also didn't think much of Blyre's accusations. But, uh, Johnson was... We fight for nobody! Johnson finds this boring. The court would like to say

blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. The stenographer's like one... Oh, boy. Blah-blah-blah-blah. Uh, Johnson's court marshal found guilty and cashiered. You work at a grocery store. Yeah. Sorry, Jack!

You can't scan the bar cow, boy. Blyre was made in Admiral. Of course! Blyre! Unbly-leavable! Why not promote him? That's the comedy festival title. Unbly-leavable.

A show that people call a disaster. About nothing. Far too long. Couldn't see it in the lights. All he did was shout, yeah. He finally died in 19... Sorry, in 1817 as the world's biggest cunt. Here lies the world's largest cunt.

There is a... breadfruit on top of his two. Wow! A breadfruit. As if to say, you are shit. The worst of all fruits anyway that guy was one of your founding people All I want to do now is go to his grave site and leave two coconuts there

You know that grave digger was like, oh, I'm gonna have an early lunch today with this little bit One and two and throw him out, all righty I want to thank Evan Bittner for helping me out with that one He did the research on it, very nice of him So today our publisher realized we were on tour in Australia and said, hey, what about telling people you have a book and we were like, yeah, we're almost done But we have a book coming out on sale and if you go to our website, Dalt Podcast, we put up pre-sale links And the art is by James Fosdike and the fucking art is... He was showing us the blown up pictures of the art the other day and explaining too how fascinating

I mean, I hope he doesn't mind saying this, but he's like, imagine the stuff I have to Google Like, because he wants it to be accurate, so like some of the stuff is so fucked up He's like, I had horrible pussyburn And when we were talking about penises, he's like, it took a little while for me to realize I should only look up prosthetic He's like, that's accurate and I don't need to see any weird shit But I still disagree with that No, Dave and him had it out Dave was like, this not prosthetic enough? This ain't enough, James!

I do love that he Googles horrible pussy wound and he's like, oh, that's fucked Oh, I did not expect that Tub girl, oh no Everybody Google there Well, Dave signed the little cars We want to thank everybody for coming out Thank you, sir One guy, one guy applause

That was the best thing Yeah, I got this, everyone On behalf of the audience We want to especially thank one person for coming out Let the clap, nobody wanted a part of No, we will sign cars after a little bit Normal shit to say at the end of a live podcast And thank you again and Dave's playing Pokemon already again

Thank you so much everybody Let's go to the beginning, Fred