The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 21 - William Walker

Episode Date: September 14, 2014

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds discuss filibusterer William Walker and his Nicaragua adventures.Tour Dates Dollop MerchEPISODE SOURCESPatreon

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virgins go to mingle and do what? Hi Gary. Is he done my friend? Hi. My name is Dave Anthony. I'm here with Gary Reynolds. Gary with one R Reynolds. It's important that people know that my name Gary is spelled with one fucking R. It's so much hostility. Yeah. Yeah. So do I feel good? I retract the question. I retract the question. Have you heard the phrase crazy sexy cool? Yeah. Made famous by one Teal. Teal. Left eye. Lisa. Left eye is dead. Left eye died. Left eye died. Actually there is a VH1 thing they did about her going to die. I forget where she was like she's like in Malaysia or something. What? And they have footage of literally her the crash because she died in a car crash and they show what right when it was like oh shit like and that's when they cut. It's crazy. What? Yes. It's crazy. That's fucking nuts. Nuts and it and they didn't give you a heads up because I was watching it like oh my god they didn't know there was not like hey you're about to watch the moment right before she dies.

But yeah it was crazy. And she kept saying like right before it she was like she felt like there was an omen of death. There was like yeah the her whole trip she wasn't in Malaysia somewhere though. Well Malaysia is the same thing. Let's just say Malaysia. What's happening? Why did it stop? Oh good it stopped. Oh good. That's fucking awesome. Do you know I don't even know what year he was born. Shit. I mean I should I should have that information. What I mean do you know what era? Yeah he's like the 1800s. Okay. For people with a mind as big as mine I think that's fine. Early 1800s. He was a boy genius. Okay. He's like a doogie howzer. Sure. MD. Sure. A reference most geniuses use. What are you talking about other geniuses. He graduated from the University of Nashville at the top of his class at the age of 14. Shit. Okay so he's fucking. Yeah. This isn't the 1800s though when people were you know just letting their teeth rot. By the time he was 25 he had a degree in medicine and another in law and was legally allowed to practice as both a doctor and a lawyer. At what age? 25. Okay. So it seems like he slowed down but still. Yeah. Great start. Getting a middle degree and a law degree. At 25 is crazy. 29 years is pretty nuts. Yes. But he wanted to travel so he went and explored Europe and then returned to the US and lived in Philadelphia where he practiced medicine but he hated it so he went to New Orleans and became a journalist.

Okay. Sure. Walker was a small and slender man with freckles, gray eyes and thinning hair. The gray eyes thing freaks me out. His nickname later on became gray eyes like he actually had gray eyes. Like a cat. My license says that I have gray eyes. Does it really? Yeah. I don't think you have gray eyes. I don't. I think that I wouldn't worry too much about his gray eyes unless you're worried about mine. Look into him. Well now I have my suspicions about you. I'm a boy genius. He was five feet two inches tall and weighed 120 pounds. So now he's starting to sound a little weirder. So he never stopped being a boy. I think we can now say his eyes were great. It makes more sense. He had giant horns on his head and a tail. A wagging tail. Quote. He is said to be remarkable for his abstinence and that wine and the society of ladies have no charm for him. Why is that being framed as a positive thing? I do not know but some people think that's great. Who are these people? So he didn't drink or enjoy women although while in New Orleans he had a brief relationship. In New Orleans. He was in New Orleans and he didn't drink or fuck. Perfect place to be. Right. Yeah. Great place to be. He's just there for the smell of Bourbon Street. He smells like it's the vomit and pee. It's the worst. Nobody ever prepares you. No. At least they didn't prepare me. It's like walking into a corpse. It's crazy. It's horrifying. It is. It's covered in trash.

Yeah. So he had a brief relationship in New Orleans even though he didn't like women with a deaf and mute woman named Ellen Martin or as she pronounced it. So again he didn't enjoy women. Yeah. Because he's basically in a relationship with a sex doll. Hey Blake if you want to fuck. Okay so you want to fuck. We have so much in common. He's a fucking genius. Yeah. And he finds a deaf and mute woman. Yeah. What a genius. He's just gonna bang. Yep. Perfect. So creepy. Perfect. Happy anniversary. Hey I want to set you up with a girl I think you'd really like. She can't hear or talk. She's dead. You'll love her. She's perfect. She is a freshly dead woman. Her nickname is Slab. You will love Slab. You and Slab are going to have so much in common. You'll love her. She's like your last girl but not as chatty. Slab. I'm surprised this guy didn't invent the blow up doll. Or the glory hole. Sadly in 1849 she died of cholera. And he was sad. Yeah. Any time your sex doll dies. Yeah. How do you feel the void of something that can just shout? And he went to San Francisco. Okay. The gold rush was just starting so tens of thousands of crazy men were pouring into California. It was an insane time. Duel's gunfights and brawls erupted regularly. Yeah. Walker fought in three duels in San Francisco and he was wounded in two of them. Not a good record. Nope. Not a good record at all.

But he's alive. Around this time the U.S. was into taking land from Latin America. Americans in Texas had rebelled against Mexico and won annexation to the U.S. in 1845. The Mexican war broke out in 1846 leading to the absorption of a third of Mexico with the assistance of American citizens of California who staged their own revolt against Mexico. Okay. The newspaper slogan Manifest Destiny was born. Manifest Destiny was the widely held belief in the U.S. that American settlers were destined to expand throughout the continent. Basically, America should be everywhere. Yeah. Everything should be America. Manifest Destiny is such a good shine. Can we, are we acting like that's stopped? You'd know. Fuck no. Jesus Christ. Yeah. No. But people wanted to do it for different reasons. Some southerners wanted to extend the territory open to slavery. Others wanted to export democracy and their own religions to the military regimes of Catholic Latin America. So they were like, I'm a Protestant. I want to turn all those peoples into Protestants. We want to keep dark people as workers. We're on different pages. The idea of Manifest Destiny kicked off a new phenomenon known as filibustering. Oh, fuck. Do you know what filibustering is? Yeah. Here we fight. Oh, fuck. Filibusters were independent adventurers who launched freelance invasions of foreign countries usually aiming to annex them to the United States. So dudes would just start their own war to try to take over parts of countries and then they'd be like, okay, this is the U.S. now. Now, I thought we were talking about the political filibusters. No. We're talking about the action of filibustering, which is basically just putting a flag in ground that isn't yours. Which is going somewhere with a bunch of your bros and going, hey, this is ours now.

It's like a vacation where you leave with the place you went. Which is fun. That's better than a snow globe. What did you get me from Ibiza? Ibiza. So have at it. It's ours now. I told them. I was really clear. I love that it's just, it's not even government sanction. It's just some dudes are like, hey man, have you heard of Honduras? Hey, you heard of Honduras? Yeah, yeah. Why don't we make that ours? Great. Let's do it, Jerry. You heard of Brazil? Yeah. So there were shitloads of filibusters in the decade before the Civil War. Some of America's first and filibusters tried to invade Canada, which so great. That's just so great. In 1850 and 1851, scores of Americans landed in Cuba with disastrous results. An ex-Cuban named Narciso Lopez led four filibusters into Cuba with Americans. His final attempt was in August 1851. With about 400 men, it ended the route, but this time Lopez was captured and publicly garreted in Havana. Do you know what garreted is? Almost my name. Garreted is a method of capital punishment of Spanish origin in which an iron collar is tightened around the condemned person's neck until death occurs by strangulation or by injury to the spinal column at the base of the brain. Oh my god. So it's like a slow fuck you. Like the guillotine is awesome. Well, you know it's a shitty way to die when you're like, I'm just so envious of those who get hanged. Is there a way you could pick up the pace? Please. Will you just stop my head out? What about a hammer? Have you thought about a hammer? Another 51 filibusters that went into Cuba were killed by a firing squad, including William Citadin, the nephew of John Citadin, the then attorney general.

Everybody's in on the filibuster game. The rest were all killed in action or captured or imprisoned. First attempt by Walker. In the summer of 1853, when he was 29, Walker traveled to Goyamas seeking a grant from the government of Mexico to create a buffer colony inside of Mexico. He just made his own landlocked nation. He told the Mexican government that the colony would serve as a frontier to protect the U.S. from Indian raids. So he goes down to Mexico and he goes, here's the deal. You know how you have Mexico? Yeah. So I would like to take a part of that and then just have that as a way to stop Indians from coming and attacking us. Spit on your palm and let's shake. So cool. So part of Mexico's mine then? I mean, what are these like? How do you react? A nation is like, no. Mexico is like, yeah, no.

No, because it's ours. You know how you took Texas and then a bunch of California? Uh-huh. So go fuck yourself. You can't just have shit. Just want a little area of Mexico. No. Little spot would be nice. No, it's ours.

We're filibustering. It's a term. So Walker came back to the U.S. and started recruiting dudes who were super to slavery and the manifest destiny. They just happened to be. Cool dudes. They just happened to be mostly from Kentucky and Tennessee. The smart places. But his idea was to establish an independent Republic of Sonora. Then hopefully Sonora could join the U.S. He funded his operation by selling lots of land in the new Republic of Sonora.

He's made off. Amazing. So he's just cruising around going, so listen. I'm going to go down to Mexico. And I'm going to take over a bunch of Mexico. And then you can have some land. And how am I funding this? By you purchasing this land. You buy the land that I don't own.

Then I'll go own it. Right order. Feels good. Feels like definitely the right order. Feels like the right order to me. You pay me. I take it. It's yours. You buy the land. I go get the land. Makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. On October 15th, 1853, Walker set out with 45 men to conquer the Mexican territories of Baja, California, and Sonora. I don't see how this can't work. No. 45 dudes. 45 guys. Good luck, Mexico. Yeah.

Am I wrong? Mexico, you're on notice. I hope you're ready for 45 men. He succeeded in capturing La Paz. Wow. Which was the capital of the sparsely populated Baja, California. So he went to like a place where no one lived and went, Mine!

You guys lose. He quickly declared it the capital of the new Republic of Lower California and himself as president. Catchy title. Hello, I am Presidente. I am the president now. He then put the region under the laws of the American state of Louisiana, which made slavery legal. Oh, wow. Hello.

So here's the deal. I'm here and I took over your town of about 40 people and I'm the president and you can have slaves. And I know this is a lot to digest, gang. Also, does anybody speak English? All right. How are we feeling? Remember yesterday? Okay.

Yeah. We own slaves. Okay. Yeah. I'm your presidente. Oh, hello. Own you. No.

Hello. We say hello now. You'll need to learn that. Hello. There we go. Welcome aboard. You're the vice president. You're the new vice president.

The people back home are very impressed. Of course, because they're into this. When news of Walker's exploits reached San Francisco, the skirmish at La Paz was regarded as a great victory. The California newspapers applauded him. Judge Lott, writing for the pioneer said, the term filibuster no longer means a pirate. It means the compassing of the weak by the strong. The term filibuster is now identical with the pioneer of progress. If these regions do not soon become a portion of the United States, some other nation, stronger than Mexico, will grasp them.

So basically they're saying, yeah, we can do whatever we want. And if we don't take Mexico, other people are going to take. If we can take Mexico, then other people are going to take Mexico. Am I wrong? Complete pirate mentality. We're not pirates. Now listen to pirate law. I mean, we're no longer pirates.

We just take what isn't ours and make it ours. Suley in the annuals of San Francisco said, American secures the spoils one to her hand. However dishonesty they may have come. Cool. And I think we're still holding onto that pretty strong. So we can take whatever we want no matter how fucked it is. Yeah. As long as we don't remember doing it, it's ours and it's cool.

It's all cool. It's all good. So now people are joining up in San Francisco and elsewhere to go down and join Walker. They're like, this dude's the shit. Let's go fucking help him out. Yeah. Of course. It wouldn't.

Concerned about attacks from Mexico, Walker kept moving his headquarters. Twice in three months. First rule of the lower state of California is keep moving. Yeah. Right. Sure. He never actually gained control of Sonora. Except between four to seven on the freeways.

Right? Yeah. He never actually gained control of Sonora as planned, but he did pronounce Baja California part of the larger Republic of Sonora. So basically he's a crazy person running around declaring shit that's not real. Yeah. It feels like, it feels like right now I can just be like, I'm the president of here. And that's pretty much what he was doing.

While Walker was waiting in Baja California for new recruits, for some unknown reason. New recruits. For some unknown reason. New morons. I know morons. Yeah. For some unknown reason, his vessel, the Caroline sailed away with the greater part of his supplies.

I just love that the dude in charge of the ship was like, wait a minute. This can be my ship. Yeah. Goodbye. Wait. You can't take my, no, I'm on the ship. So it's my, you know, you did it with land. He just filibustered my boat.

Motherfucker just filibustered the shit out of my boat. So the ship took off with a lot of supplies. And then matters became worse when 200 recruits arrived from San Francisco. And since the supplies were pretty much depleted because they were on the boat, he was forced to send a band of men towards Totos Santos Bay on a forging expedition. Now dudes that are down there are just trying to find food. Yeah. Now they're like, okay.

We've got to listen to the president. We got to go get food for the president. His boat went away. He's a good leader. So he is very good leader. So then discontent started to break out in the army. The newcomers were disappointed that there was no plunder to be had. So these guys, these guys were like, these were fucking, they're like, let's go take

a bunch of shit from Mexico. And then they got down there like, how many pizzas did you guys order? There's no shit in Mexico. These are beans. It's all beans. I forgot to tie my boat up. So food was scarce. And when they did get it, it was not good.

Men began to desert. Four of the deserts were arrested and he had two of them shot dead. The other two publicly flogged. Jesus. So he's a pirate. Yeah. He's a pirate. Fuck.

All right. Flog death, death, fog. So then this made him less popular with his troops. Yeah. If you can imagine. I wonder why. By the time he attacked Sonora, he only had 100 men. And by the time they reached the Colorado River, only 35 men remained in the party.

It would take more than this. So they're a clique. It would take more than 35 to hold on to the country. Yeah. Uh-huh. I think that's a fair thing to say. I'm looking around and I'm thinking we're going to need more than 35 guys. Crazy.

Are we outnumbered by a lot? By like 20,000. By 20,000 to R35. So Walker decided to ban in the project. And on May 8th, 1854, they crossed the frontier near Tijuana and surrendered themselves to the United States officer station there. They were granted parole and were permitted to depart for San Francisco. But the United States government prosecuted him for violating the Neutrality Act, which

basically means you can't be a dude. Don't do that. You can't be a dude and try to take over other countries. No pirating. So it prohibits private citizens from warring against foreign nations. Totally reasonable. Or else like Pepsi could attack Venezuela. Which is something I would love to see.

I would kind of like to see that too. Pepsi's invading Venezuela. It's not Pepsi. It's a Pepsi country. Welcome to Pepsi. Hey, welcome to Pepsi. Want some Pepsi? Dude, we're not far from that.

We are. Like they already named sportings like places after fucking everything. It's a matter of time until we're like, I live in AT&T. Yeah, I live in AT&T. This is my buddies from McDonald's. He doesn't speak English. He doesn't speak English because he's from McDonald's. But his friend Starbucks will help.

He knows both languages. My God, it's so true. Oh, matter of time. Our names. I'm going to start. We're going to start naming people. Sony. Sony, come here.

Get in here, Sony. It's exciting. So if you and I try to invade Fiji, we'd be tried in court. Like that's how it works. We love the water though. But all the Gold Rush idiots who are basically all these guys who just came to San Francisco to get rich by digging up dirt. When you put it like that.

So when you think about what kind of people they are. Yeah, smart, cool people. They acquitted him in eight minutes. Even though he couldn't have been more guilty of the crime. So now he's like, well, I'm the shit. I can't be stopped. I'm a bulletproof president. Yeah, I really am.

I just need a country. So in 1855, he decided to invade Nicaragua. Blow me twice. Now Nicaragua was a bit of a mess at the time. Over the last two decades, it had several civil wars. It's two main cities, Leon and Granada were always fighting. So there were two like separate parties. Yep.

They controlled each city and they'd fight and take over the country and fight and fight. It's fun. It's like a tug of war. When the liberals rose again and yet another revolt, Byron Cole, who was a friend of Walker's, negotiated a contract for Walker to come down and fight on the side of the liberals in Nicaragua. Okay. So he was basically summoned. I don't, I think they're going to regret this.

Now Nicaragua is very important to the United States at the time. Because this is before the Panama Canal. And there were no railroads in the U.S. yet. So the way, one of the main ways to get goods and people from California or, you know, the Pacific to the Atlantic and New York or whatever, was to, on boats down to Nicaragua and then they would put them, then they would take them up river on steamships to a lake and then they'd go another 12 miles on like stagecoach. So that was how they got across.

Convenient. Super easy. Didn't they know about Uber? I assume half of them died of malaria. Oh my God, yeah. So Cornelius Vanderbilt, who is famous. Of the Vanderbilt. Like he's like Bill Gates at the time.

Yep. Established the accessory transit company, which spanned Nicaragua with the two steamships and he's the guy who had the whole operation down. Okay. So he's making. He was the president of steamships. He's making a fucking fortune. Yeah.

He was the president of this route and it's very important to the U.S. So why not just fucking take that shit over, right? Sure. Yeah. That's the right way to be. So Civil War broke out in Nicaragua in 1854. He's, Walker's invited down to join the battle. He got the contract, which keeps him from getting arrested.

Right. So because they sort of invite him. Right. So that keeps him from breaking the law and he goes with 300. Oh, he got a contract to bring 300 mercenaries. Oh boy. That was the contract. Yeah.

In 1855, he set sail with a grand total of 57 dudes. Here we come. Get your shit ready, Nicaragua. Beats our last cumulative. One died at sea. So 56. Oh boy. When they got there, his force joined up with 170 locals.

So 170 Nicaraguans of the liberal party and about a hundred Americans who were working around their base when the steamship stuff. So like 300 people. They got like 300 dudes. As luck would have it, he attacked Granada and captured the city because he pulled up in a steamboat and they didn't even know that anything was happening. What the steamboat? Hey, here's the steamboat.

What the fuck? And then all these dudes pour off. Now I'm your president. But then he took the, the first thing he did was take the, the families of the leaders hostage. Jesus. So he's like holding kids and saying, we'll kill your kids. So they surrendered the other side surrendered.

So he Walker appoints a puppet president. He's like, I just want to picture a real puppet for his life. He declared himself general, generalissimo. Wait, what's his name? Generalissimo. So he's the, that's like the, the military commander. I am now generalissimo William Walker of Nicaragua. Yep.

All matches up, right? And the point of another guy is secretary of war. It's the first thing you want to do. And he accused the secretary of war of treason and had him executed. Yeah. So he's like, it's a slippery slope. It's been a week. But he's like a classic Latin American strong man now.

Yeah. Right? He's like, I am a heffy. Yeah. My secretary of war cost treason. We kill him. You've been here for two and a half hours. And what a roller coaster.

US president, Franklin Pierce recognized Walker's regime as the legitimate government of Nicaragua on May 20th, 1856. Not a good move. It's so fucking insane. It's insane. Okay. I guess you're president of Nicaragua. Hey, all right.

You're the president. You said so. That's how this works. News of his success reached the US and the slavery advocates began recruiting propaganda. Public meetings were held in some of the large southern cities, tons of money was raised and they gave it money for his new country, slave, slave vote. Well, he's the president, got to respect him, got to respect the president. Okay.

So there are a couple of dudes who worked under Vanderbilt, okay, like this two main guys that worked under him and they decided to take advantage of the situation. They're called Morgan and Garrison and they offered to pay for the transit rights to Nicaragua and start a new steamship and transit line. Okay. Here just had to take all of Vanderbilt's riverboats and steamships and just give them to Morgan and Garrison. So they were like, hey, we got an idea.

We want to start a new steamship, get across Nicaragua, transport thing. So what we want, you know the company we work for? So you just take that shit and give it to us and then that'll be our thing. I declare it. I'm the fucking president, fuck yeah, let's dance. Seems fair. The new line would carry filibuster recruits from the US for free. Oh fuck.

So God, what a nightmare. The only thing that's changed is technology. Unbelievable. Yeah. Walker was like, shit heads fly free. Oh my God, shit heads do fly free. Walker was like, yeah, man, that sounds really good. Cool.

You just give me a bunch of money. Hey, I don't know if you know how I operate, but I'm really into money. Okay. And I would give me that. I need money and then, you know, we're all good. So he took all of Vanderbilt's shit, the stuff that's really important to the US and he like fucked over the most powerful man on earth. Just a brilliant move.

Yeah. Shrewd. Well, he's the president. Vanderbilt wrote to his former associates, Morgan and Garrison, gentlemen, you've undertaken to cheat me. Dear fuckers. Hey, shit bags. This is one of the greatest letters of all time.

It's so brief. Gentlemen, you have undertaken to cheat me. I won't sue you for the laws too slow. All ruin you. The law is truly Cornelius Vanderbilt. Oh, that is dope. Right? Right?

That is, that's great. He's fucking awesome. That's great. Um, okay. You did that. I'm going to destroy you and uh... That seems like legally it's going to take a while. I'll just end you.

Sincerely. Most powerful man on earth. Now the other countries in Central America were like, uh, what the fuck is going on? I'm starting to think this president doesn't have a lot of experience. And, and he just went in there and took, oh, he can do that to us? Yeah. Uh, not cool. So they start preparing their armies for battle.

Okay. And then Walker attacked Costa Rica. Hey, there's a wildfire move. Everyone who supported him was like, bro, slow down. Hey, buddy. Hey, you know, you've been in Nicaragua for like five hours. You shouldn't drive. Why don't you hang there for a bit?

Hang there. You're the president of Nicaragua. That's pretty fucking sweet. Yeah. You got Nicaragua. It's fucking cool. By the way, you shouldn't have gotten Nicaragua. So.

Hey, did you have you noticed that you're five, two and 120 pounds? Yeah. Yeah. So look, uh, at some point someone's going to pick you up and throw you. You're not going to be president of the world. Tap out. Tap out. Um, so everyone who supported him was like, dude, slow down, slow it down, slow it down.

It didn't go well. Well, I had a couple agents go down to Costa Rica to give up information on how to defeat him and to, yeah, like insider guys, spies, basically. And so he was quickly driven out of Costa Rica. Was the way to defeat him, to have, uh, more people. I think that's also a good way to defeat him. He'll only have 35. Attack.

He starts with 500 and by the end it's about 20. Once it dawns on them, they start to, they, the third, the herd thens. And then the Costa Rican army came down with cholera and had to retreat, which is the worst retreat of all. Cause then you're just sick. You're not only you were treating me, you're just shitting the whole way. So it's just a terrible, a cholera retreat is the cholera retreat is the worst of all. I'm shooting at us.

I'm trying to run. Oh boy. So now the guy who Walker installed as the puppet Presidente was like, oh, I'm fucking out of here. This is crazy. Yeah. So he just bales. They're good.

Uh, he skids across the border. He's gone. Smart. That's the guy. That's it. You want to be remembered as the guy that's not going to be remembered in this. Yeah. The guy, the guy who looks around and goes, oh, this is fucking crazy.

I'm just going to roll. I'm going to hit it. So take care. Bye. Bye. Bye. So Walker had a rigged election and became the president. No longer generalissimo.

No. The president of Nicaragua. His dreams are finally coming true that he's had for five months. He declared English to be the official language. Hey, a normal, nice, nice thing to do. By the way, the national language is something you don't know. Excuse me. Everybody listen up.

English is now the official language. Okay. English is the official language. Espanyol. English is the official language. You speak English from now on. He issued an edict legalizing slavery. Everybody you can own people.

Okay. Yeah. After your first law that it doesn't matter the rest of your laws, nobody's going to fucking understand. So we're all speaking English. Okay. And also slavery is legal. Okay.

First rule. What? He reorganized currency and fiscal policy to encourage immigration from the U.S. Hey, everybody, get down here. Let's make this place white. Hey, it's America number two. America number two. Welcome to New America.

Okay. You guys all have to talk differently and we're going to bring in slaves and a bunch of white people. It's going to feel a lot like America around here pretty soon, guys. It's kind of my vision for the nation. Have you guys heard of hedonism too? Yeah. That's actually what we're going to do here.

You're going to love it. So they were not cool with it. Why? What about it didn't register with them? Well, first of all, they had outlawed slavery in 1824. Yeah, but he said it's okay. And they were not into speaking a language that didn't know. Well, they should listen to him.

They were like, no, senior art. No. No. So white people were kind of douchebags. Are you sure? I think that's what this is. First, I've heard of it. But he was a hero in the south because he had gone to a random country and declared

they could have slaves. So in the south, they were like, yeah, baby. We like the way you roll, Presidente. You were rolling like a motherfucker. You're the man. God damn it. Look at you going to Nicaragua and making slavery cool. I mean, there might have been a time when he tried to change the name of the country

to the n-word. He was like, fuck it. Let's go big. Go big or go home. These colors don't run. So he attracted the attention of Pierre Soleil, an influential New Orleans politician who campaigned to raise support for Walker's War. So now he's got a big politician who's like, let's give this guy as much money as we can.

What he doesn't have right now is the money. But Honduras, El Salvador, and Guatemala teamed up and invaded from the north. Good. Yeah. Fuck this asshole. At the same time, Costa Rica invaded from the south. Good. They finally got over their diarrhea.

So Walker, being super cool and smart and just being a good guy. I don't like what you're about to say. Set Granada on fire and burn the city to the ground. Oh my God. Okay. So I'm your president and people are coming to get rid of me, so I'm just going to fuck you over. I can't have it, no one can.

What a prick. It's like a five-year-old invading. Yeah. Yeah. No. It's mine. Then nobody has fun. Nobody.

Oh, fuck. So he withdrew. What? I love... Can you... I mean, it is crazy that it is okay to operate like this. It's fucking insane that people... And I feel like we...

Because there's parallels here, you think, we still have these people all over the place in America. Oh, yes. Like, Iraq, they're like, yeah, let's just go take that and turn it into America. Yeah. And I mean, that worked out really good. It worked out super good. Really good.

This kind of works out a little bit the same. Oh. You mean at the end, it's all fixed? Yeah. Perfect. It's all good and there's democracy. I'm excited. So Walker withdrew and just held the areas where the transit routes were.

So now he's withdrawn just to where they get people... So it's basically just the money route. That's all he's holding on to. And the way he was fortified, it looked like he could hold it for a long time. Like they actually set up pretty well. But then there was Vanderbilt. Sweet. Never fuck with a guy who has a college named after him.

He's Vanderbilt. I think that's the point. So he had a guy, Spencer, go to Costa Rica with bucket loads of cash. And Spencer got a bunch of Costa Ricans and headed to Nicaragua. And he sees a bunch of Walker's strongholds because he used to work for the transit company. So he knew all the signals, like he would pull up a ship and go, hey guys, and signal like I'm on this team. And then he'd just fucking roll in and kill them all and be like, oops, I'm on the other

team, suck my dick. That's so sweet. The I'm on the other team, suck my dick move. So Morgan and Garrison pulled all their boats out. So Walker's totally isolated. So the transit, there's no, there's no chipping going on. The government's like, what the fuck are you doing? In May 1857, Walker surrendered to the US Navy.

They brought him back to New Orleans where he was greeted as a hero. Hey, great job, completely fucking up. Good job. You've done it twice. Hey, hero. Nothing went right, but you said slavery was good. I don't know what you did, but you're white. And I love it.

I love it. I'm loving every freckle on that face. You're the best. Whitey, whitey, whitey. I've ever seen. Can't do wrong, you're white. So he's a big hero, they're giving him parades and fucking, you know, whatever else. I think they try, I think they thought about trying to, or they did try to, to arrest him

and do another trial. But again, that's not, yeah, it's much better, much better. It's more fun. Everywhere he went, people loved him. He's like a giant fucking hero. I mean, in the South, in the North, they think he's like a pirate douchebag. Yeah. Good.

So he raised more money, I mean, got a bunch of dudes. Together. No, no, no, no. We just did this. And set off. No, we just. Let's do it. No, we're doing it again.

It can't go wrong. It goes wrong. It can't go wrong. It'll go wrong. How? It worked out the same fucking way. Yeah, but I was the president. On November 25th, 1857, he landed at Great Town, Nicaragua, with 270 pounds.

Nicaragua was like, oh, fuck. You've got to be shitting me. Jesus Christ. There's fucking tiny white boys back. We just mopped. Didn't we just fucking, like, you're horrible. Go to Costa Rica. What about Costa Rica?

It's a great place. You'll love it. Don't eat the fish. Don't eat the fish. It's bad. It's just not real. The fish is bad. So, but then now he has more followers, because he fucked up twice.

So bad. And now he has more people. Like, yeah. It's kind of like Twitter. So he's like, I'm back, motherfuckers. Upon his arrival, he declared himself commander of the Nicaraguan Army. And the Nicaraguan Army is like, we know where this fucking leads. So he lands and he goes, I'm in charge.

Can we, is it okay for me to just start doing this shit? And I just walk into a business and be like, um, yeah, I'm the CEO. So you guys are all fired. And I'm going to do whatever I want. I'm going to go to McDonald's today and go, this is my McDonald's. Just get behind the counter and just be like, guys, we need those burgers. I'm the manager. How does this register work?

I'm in charge. Oh, fuck. And he quickly began a war, but he was immediately stopped by the U.S. Navy and brought back to the U.S. The U.S. was like already waiting. They knew he was going there waiting for him. They were camped out. Yeah.

And then as soon as he showed up, they're like, come on, take him to New Orleans where he gets punished by flowers, flowers being tossed at him. Most people in the U.S. were pissed at the Navy. They didn't think the Navy had the right to stop a guy from trying to take over other countries. So just to recap, the problem that people have with this situation is that the Navy has no right to stop this man who has no right to take the land that he's taking. People think that you can just go take whatever you want.

But if he showed up at their house and went, your house is my house, I'm going to fill a bus to your wife. Don't worry, I'm the president of a pussy. Let's just let me do my thing. So he's brought back. So then I swear to God, three years ago, no, no, he fucking goes to do this shit again. No, Dave. Today.

Dave, Dave, Dave. He can't. What? He can't go again. Why? He can't. It's going well. I mean, what the fuck?

Just get a job. For fuck's sake. Settle down. He's restless. We all get like that. It'll pass. Then in 1860, a bunch of Brits that lived on an island off Honduras asked him to come down and help them out.

Would you please come down and take over our islands? Oh boy. They were worried that Honduras would kick them off the islands and who better to ask? Then the shithead who keeps fucking up. I mean. Uh-huh. They got a bunch of dudes together. Let me guess.

A bunch of them stopped following him. He landed, but it immediately did not go well. Why? What happened? The men began to desert him. I'm shocking. What has that happened before? And being in a precarious position, he shredded himself to the captain of a British naval

vessel off the coast with the agreement that the British guy would bring him back to the US. So he gets down there. Everyone bails. It's a total fuck up, but he goes over to the British and goes, just, hey, hey, can you guys just help me out here? I'll tell you what. Can you do me a solid?

The US is going to be really pissed if they find out about the show. Okay. Now the thing is, is the British were mad at him because the British also used the fucking transport routes. Yeah. So they were like, hey, you're fucking everything up. Hey, if it isn't fuckface. Hey, shitbag.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on the boat. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Get on the boat. Get on the boat.

I'm the captain of this ship. Yeah. Sure you are. Thank you. Okay. That's an order. Okay. So considering how badly Walker just fucked up Nicaragua, they were like, fuck this guy.

And they turned him over to Honduras. Oh, shit. Shit. That's a great move. Honduras quickly tried and executed him by firing a squad on September 12th, 1860. He was 36 years old. Oh, shit. Southerners considered him to be a hero.

Northerners less so. In Central American countries to this day, the generals who defeated him are considered national heroes and they have holidays based on the victories over Walker. Over him. Yeah. And he's like they're like, it's like they're Pearl Harbor. Like yeah, to them, it's this great day of victory when all the armies came together and the Nicaraguan general right beat him fucking kicked his ass.

They're all great here. Like we created, we didn't walk or created their national heroes. Yeah. And in America, he's a stamp in America and nobody remembers it. But still, the fact that he was so celebrated. It's fucking insane. Well, I don't even like, you don't even mean to, it's strange because you still feel that divide in this country of basically like this, the slavery divide almost.

Yes. Like, of course, no, that's not saying anyone advocates slavery, but there still is this just gap in just difference of opinion where a lot of times the South just does things that North-minded folk find puzzling and it's always been that way. It's maybe shifted now. Like it's not like the South is not like we want slaves, right? But you know, they're still like abortions, you're killing baby yet. Stop it.

Yeah. So that's good. That sounds and this was the fact there were a bunch of other filibusters like they were just all these fucking assholes and went on to fill a buster. We that's literally what we did to Iraq. We went into Iraq and thought, let's put democracy and honestly, what we've done to every fucking nation that we've ever been in because we have bases set up in so many countries where we don't fucking need to have bases, right?

Not that we need a basis at all, but yeah, we're douchebags. It's honestly tough, man, it's tough. It is tough. I think that it's not to say that there are not great people in this country or smart people. There's a lot of them, but fucking a man. We really just love us. We love to leave shit in a footprint.

No, we are stupid assholes. Let's be honest. We're stupid assholes. Honestly. Yeah. I honestly, like lately it's just becoming more and more obvious that it's just gone so poorly. I mean, I think about it all the time about like, imagine being another species.

I mean, we have just, we're just like, there's one species, us, and we get everything. We get everything as ours. We get to fuck everything. Every other species, like we just were like living in kind of harmonious. Hey, I'm a dolphin. I just live around. No, you're, we're your president. We're your president, dolphin.

Do you understand? We're your president now. We're going to give you acid. Goddamnit. Oh, fuck. God. America is such just a shit fuck of an asshole. Yeah.

I mean, seriously, we've done so many things wrong. We're too big. We're too big. That's the problem is there's two, it's too fucking big. Yeah. If, if people in France get pissed, they go to the fucking streets. The whole country can just march. Yeah.

Here, we're like, I don't know. I didn't get the email. It's weird. I feel, oh, I'm going to sign an, I'm going to sign an online petition. I got to go get my volume refilled today though. I made an online petition. Yeah. That is the fucking thing too.

Yeah. Did you sign the petition to stop everything? Oh, I swear to God, if Senator Al Franken emails me one more fucking time, I'm going to find him and beat the fuck out of him. I mean, I was like, I don't even know what I signed. I think it was something about net neutrality. But now I'm like, you've, look, I'm, I hate you now. I don't know who to like.

All right. Well, well, listen, another, another great chapter in America's shrewd cutting edge thinking. We've done it again. Brilliant. Oh God. Well, that's the, that's the dollop sometimes there is just this shit feeling you're left with after this. Yeah.

There's some of these dolls to finish. You just go, I can't believe we did that. Yeah. I mean, I can't believe we did that. And then that's why it's so weird with the Ferguson one. Yeah. Cause you're like, I can't believe we're doing that. Fuck.

Well, thankfully nothing's going to change. Yeah. Cool. I'm Dave Anthony. That's gear. Reynolds. That's the dollop like we've done so far.