The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 211 - The Tichborne Situation (Live w/Wil Anderson)

Episode Date: October 9, 2016

Live from Canberra, Australia, comedians Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds and guest Wil Anderson discuss the Roger Tichborne Case. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds. You made that happen. I brought that on myself yeah for sure. I got it became WrestleMania in my head and then they chanted my wrestling name. I was worried we weren't gonna get Goliath Gary. I was worried we weren't gonna get as big of an applause as the CIT media team. You guys if you enjoy watching podcasts there's something called the Los Angeles Podcast Festival and you can live stream that bad boy. So if you go to LAPodFest.com you buy you buy yourself a little pass. You can use the use the coupon the dollop or just dollop or you

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you should all I can wait while you guys take out your phone no no no we won't do it like that that will not be the way we do it we also have a book coming out in the spring we do we just put that up for pre-orders today yeah so you can go order that yeah dolloppodcast.com Facebook the dollop you can order it and then all the money goes to getting 800 podcasts at PodFest next year yeah all the proceeds for that you're listening to the dollop this is a bi-weekly American History podcast each week I read a story from American history to my friend Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic

or the gestures going to be about no no no no don't know my friend all right super weird who's my friend and then tonight we have a special guest ladies and gentlemen this guy is really he's something he's what keep eye on this guy that's what I'm saying he's he's like the next Adam Hill's yeah ladies and gentlemen Will Anderson I'm really starting to move started to get the local down the local humor I know fucking doing Adam Hill's jokes yeah I'm fucking bringing it on all levels January 5th 1829 that people love that you're here big year here fucking

1829 is a big player you know what the thing is like we've done a lot of horrible things lately and we're glad it's just not one of those ones we're like an old thing that we can pretend wasn't us you guys are doing you guys doing great work right now oh yeah we're doing some fucking cracking doll episodes from 20 years from now that's how we see it yeah it's definitely and yet I'm like the immigration minister was an actual potato is that is that true that would be amazing amazing all right it's Tony I bet gonna be your prime minister again

there's two emergency exits there's two emergency exits miss and there's did somebody start to cheer that fucking onion eater that was the representative of the onion industry yeah we need an onion watching the border I mean for the country it would be terrible for me personally as a comedian yeah extra extra show at the festivals this year I gotta be honest all right well let's just get into it no okay Roger Charles at Titch born was born what happened the Tony Abbott person moved oh really there's a Tony Abbott section over there there's the it's outside just a chair he was born to

Henriette and Sir James at Titch born Henriette was the illegitimate daughter of an English gentleman and a French woman of royal lineage okay so James was the third son of Baron Titch born of England James was the third in line for the title of Baron Henriette did not get along with James family and insisted that they live in Paris so that's where Roger was born and raised in France okay so he's already handicapped okay because he was in Paris just French oh right sorry starting up behind the eight ball okay right I mean I love that you've come to Australia you know what racism works here but but weirdly enough we're

not that racist against the French we're like you guys can come on boats bring some bread and cheese yeah you're not racist yeah right don't get mad at me yeah if you don't like puns you're not gonna like my riff on the Titch born identity I was sitting on it but now you made me say it I was hoping some more clues might fade into my narrative so he loses his memory and he's small he's a Titch born Roger also had a younger brother Alfred Roger was a sickly coddled child who suffered from asthma he was raised as a French boy schooled by tutors and could hardly speak a word of English sir James wrote he sounds French

yeah he's got full-blown France yeah he's full he's he's totally all full of French kid never had a shot sir James wrote to Henriette's father quote the time appears to me when it is absolutely necessary that he should go to school preferably in England this plan meets with the most violent and determined opposition from Henriette and she abuses me with tears in the most violent manner possible accuses me of being a tyrant and wishing to be the death of the child I have only to add that it would be the Roan of Roger the grand object she seems to aim is to make a French man of Roger and believe me this

neither can or ever will I submit to so you don't want no French kid I mean hey I feel like he is fucking banging this on a bit though like did he say is she assaulted him with tears yeah I mean fucking hard enough you're been in a relationship I wish that I wish that happened James told Henriette he was taking Roger to visit his grandfather in England but then put him in a prep school instead so he had to come back with that news yeah oh where is the little French boy he fell into a school and he's stuck there see in my head I thought that he like told her that he was going like actually was going to

England and just pretended the whole time that he was in is that not what happened no he I thought he put him in school and just went now he's in England no no he's loving it he's learning French over there you'd be very happy oh he's got a beret the whole night scarf he's smoking it's amazing he took him to England and put him in a prep school okay James said Henriette was quote wild with rage oh those tears must have burned extra bad that I mean she must have been really super violent yeah Roger's mother called it an abduction and said her happiness was blighted so she said Roger stated the prep school

until 1848 when he was 19 an acquaintance said he quote walked like a Frenchman in short quick steps with his feet turned outwards how and I mean are there any other options for your steps to be short and quick excuse me penguin man coming through pardon me please move us away and he's behind everybody hurry up Jesus Christ you people how much longer must it take striding steps foolish English fool long walker when he's walking like chaplain and I get that's aware it's a French man coming through Roger spoke with a pronounced accent and gave the impression that he thought in French and

translated in into a very bad English his hair was laid on his head just the same as a bundle of carrots that's that's a quote that's a quote from a friend now firstly is that a good analogy no like that I don't even know what I'm picturing still I don't know what I'm picture what is a bundle of carrots it is like when you don't want dreadlocks is that he never washed his hair ever yeah that would look like a bunch of carrots poured on someone maybe or unless he went to somebody who's like can you make it look like 18 different carrots oh wow this is unreal this is how we do it then Perry oh the

bunny rabbits will be following this one but they won't catch me because I walk fast like this move out the way and that's like to see here just a man walking like a penguin with a carrot turban move move move lord gosh act like you've been here before it was now he's not French or English he's just from the fifth element he's now just future oh my god that many people have seen the fifth element hi mate this is Canberra it came out last week it's a very topical reference that's why people enjoyed it they waited they waited to see the first four of them sometimes you don't need both of us the puns are like excuse me

get out of the way move this is 18 carat company oh that's your line fuck it that's it it was decided that Roger should join the Calvary in the Army it was peacetime so he ended up spending a lot of time at home where his first cousin Katie lived after three years they wanted to marry her father his uncle agreed but only if they waited three years until she was 21 wait until she's not legally your cousin anymore at 21 the engagement was supposed to be kept a secret but people were talking about I don't know I don't know why I don't know it was supposed to

get a secret but people kept talking about it and then Katie's mother got upset that people were talking about it and then Roger broke it off well well there was a lot of sympathy for cousins in love I said a dating cousins just held hands like one day get that far keep yes sir Roger then decided to go to Chile where the warmer climate would help us asthma he sailed on on March in March 1853 his mother was very upset quote I am so unhappy about our dear Rogers departure that really I have not the courage for anything you have no idea my constant anxiety time not the courage for anything anything that's a

tough place to be yeah she's scared I can't leave the bed but I'm scared to be in it no no I can't roll over in the bed oh no I should breathe the live but I'm oh gosh can I she's dead from not leaving the better breathing it took me 18 months to write this letter because I was scared of getting her paper cut I still I still am they say the pen is my year than the sword oh gosh swords now I'm terrified oh no I've done it again oh sometimes I think I belong under water after a year Roger just after you're in South America Roger decided to return home he ended up on a ship called the Bella which left Rio on April 20th 1854

40 crew and one passenger Roger six days after leaving what 40 crew 40 crew one one Roger was he meant to be there yeah that feels like they've over stuff yeah he talked to the captain the cab is like let's go so he's the only non- working person on the boat yep now that sounds fun yeah you know who I hate Roger that guy is the fucking worst what is his deal hello hi how are you yeah hey Roger I'm a walking very fast around you know you're not you're not walking fast your steps go nowhere I just mopped their asshole rounds it I just you should have done it like so fast can you see me yeah I see your

carrot head bobbing zoom zoom literally going in a circle a tiny circle six days after leaving Rio the Bella's ships a rowboat was found floating bottom up by the crew of the ship Kent no sign of bodies or survivors word of the ship wrecked did not reach Roger's family for two months and at some point someone told Lady Titch born that he could have been picked up by a rescue vessel and it could have headed to Australia that's no one knows who told her that but she held on to it I'm to it some random guy he's probably in Australia see ya Katie Mary just four months later to a Percival Radcliffe and at the wedding half

the congregation was dressed in black that must have been awesome wait they had to combine can't those be separate occasions we're having a wuneral now what this is we don't have the money for both so we're bringing in some of the grieving relatives and celebrating your nuptials when you walk in they're like death or wedding right over here this is death so sorry for your loss death or wedding yeah I'm a dude so it's all death we've asked you to not come in here anymore cuz getting married's like dying right oh god this guy he's even hacky for whatever year this is this is and we have shit you know what I mean so

after six months with no word from Roger they accepted he was dead except his mother who would still not allow a memorial for her son at the beginning of 1857 a sailor came to the Titch born estate looking for a handout he'd been to Australia and Roger's mother asked whether you know what just a softball okay and Roger's mother asked whether he knew anything of the Bella and her crew the sailor told her what she wanted to hear he said he heard something about some crew and a good many passengers had been picked up at sea and brought to Melbourne hang on so you're telling me the person who was coming to her for

financial assistance told her exactly what she wanted to hear yes we're all shocked that guy hit the jackpot though like if you're gonna be a shady guy that is the shady guy like lottery yeah the place in the world that's fucking massive you ever see my son in Australia oh yeah you got any more beef we have a lot of beef but you've seen Roger yeah we need something to wash that down I take anything we have whiskey ales whatever you like what did he look like did he still have a face and yeah he had lots of carrots oh my god he's still had the carrots on his head yeah that's him that's our Roger carrot headed

as he ever was yeah go what's that pie that's pie take the whole thing honestly I've been terrified of the whole meal honestly I I don't have the courage to face it I haven't eaten in a while I belong underwater some say don't ask what that means I don't know what that means take whatever you like don't ask what that means just take whatever you like my book my boy's alive he even mentioned a survivor named a Delafossae living in Melbourne now word was out amongst the down-on-your-luck sailors that they'd get food rum at the titchborn estate that was a Mike Wlapp I was so now so now just you guys hear about the

gold there's gold over there it's in the form of a lady just tell her kids in Australia and you get fucking pie and be oh yeah he looked good too he looked healthy I'll tell you I remember when he got there he looked a little sick he's doing real good for himself ma'am real good I got some more of that gravy real quick the boy that goes down fantastic I'll tell you that way it's it's kind of not funny because it's so real that's exactly what was happening it's terrifying so all these guys would come through and they all said they also I just love that there's like a hotline or a newsletter or like a WhatsApp group

head up to the titchborn estate you don't think I would keep that information private right yeah just be mine I've been showing up there every day like want to hear another story he took up gymnastics I'd love some feel he's got magic eyes now because surely there's got to also be a point where you coordinate stories because if you're all going up there independently people are going off book but I thought that Roger had he wasn't drinking anymore I was told oh no no no red wine yeah well water he stopped drinking water he's drinking everything else so wait sorry he's very French you know that does

play into the Parisian aspect gravy for all all the sailors said that they'd been to Melbourne and a lot of them were called having heard of the Bella and even old Delafossi oh yeah this continued for quite some time until sir James found his wife serving cognac to seven sailors in the house one day these are Roger's best friends darling how are you doing they drank all the good cognac but humdinger stories whoa I saw your boy on kangaroo apparently Roger's riding kangaroos now oh they've had all the cognac and the gravy couldn't face it myself never can so James order up along on land

something James ordered the Gardner to keep all the sailors away from the house from now on but but Roger's mother then just went down to the docks and gave the sailors money for news of the Bella oh my god I mean of all the things that women did at the docks at that time I guess yeah giving them money for information that prostitutes giving money out no she's not a prostitute we're the prostitutes let's go just paying for anyone ever Roger story yeah yeah take the money first hey thank you by the way how much does she fucking love this kid though because she's got over her fear of everything yeah and now she's down at

the fucking docks and if you know her you're like no they're no no they don't all he's he's dead she's just down there taking on nine sailors at a time story wise I know I have a different story in my head what I'm making a like an independent film honey I'll tell you what gets the stories out of these sailors blowjobs boy I'll tell you I learned so much about our boy today all I had to do was you know give nine blowjobs out to the guys down there but Roger's a lumberjack now did you know that mr. angry they said I couldn't handle the truth but I handled that oh I handled it oh I handled it and I'm going back

down there tomorrow to handle it again I'm so close to the sea you know when I was down there today the water spoke again nevermind nothing nothing I'll stay up here probably who controls the fish so this went on this was this was an extended this is not months this has been going on for years eight years after the shipwrecks sir James died his title was passed to Rogers younger brother Alfred Alfred was 15 Alfred then contracted a huge 200 a thousand pound yacht to be built to be used to go look for Roger probably to shut her up right probably to convince or just or just to

be like yeah I'm gonna make a boat and go away right boy it really yeah I'm gonna spend all our money on a boat and go look for Roger I'll be looking for Roger oh tell him tell him hello and I hope everything's fantastic yeah oh I'm missing so and I know he's there you just you're wanted on the docks mom some of them are getting a little vicious I just wasn't sure if I was though it is so nothing but strangely Alfred went I know it can't be the end of it but if this story ends up with her living in the water can that be how it ends and then she grew gills so strangely Alfred went bankrupt instead interesting call turns

out he was shit with money another business venture of his was the construction of the perfect sphere simpler times what did I mean he literally just sure okay he just wanted to build this fear a so-called the money into making a ball I kind of get why you miss Roger now you're like you know what I'd rather the folk stories of my boy where's the one with carrots that walks the weird mom what are you talking about look at that circle you can get inside of but Roger's get ready for the rhombus baby but Roger's mother was not giving up on her son she not it's not often in a comedy show you hear

rhombus it's my little geometry buddy right there comes the Canberra does some local Cuesta con material but Roger's mother's not giving up on her son she plays an ad in the Melbourne and Sydney papers free money in July 1865 this was 11 years after the ship Jesus Christ it read a handsome reward will be given to any person who can furnish such information as will discover the fate of Roger Charles Titch born he sailed from the port of Rio de Janeiro on the 20th of April 1854 in the ship La Bella and has never been heard from since but a report reached England to the effect that a portion of the crew and passengers

of a vessel of that name was picked up by a vessel bound to Australia Melbourne it's believed he would at the present time be about 32 years old is of a delicate Constitution rather rather tall with very slight brown hair and blue eyes mr. Titch born is the son of Sir James Titch born Baron now deceased and he is the heir to all his estates a most liberal ward will be given for any information that may definitely point out his fate okay so you're saying it said free money yeah I mean you were right really long away of writing free money looking willing to trade bullshit for money

oh is this the woman who invented podcasting this is my first roge cast and I we're not sure what the format will be yet but um we figure it out that that's what they say just do the first one and then figured out from there we're brought to you by water and water and docs and doc doc doc workers and spearfice you he's not supposed to have a microphone I said to not mic him he all he does is talk about the sphere saying mom someday this fear is gonna make our family a fortune when American gladiators starts look out holy shit you were all laughing at me when I said I was gonna build something like this look

at me now look at the gladiators fuck you fuck Roger he wasn't the best he died on his ship but I made something men can ride motorcycles in the sphere we're talking about different gladiator events maybe although love where your heads at that is an upgrade for sure I'll find the motor but you're picturing the I was thinking of the that movie with Russell Crowe on a month no no wasn't Russell Crowe what what place beyond the pines and who's the star of that film sir Ryan Gosling I was a lady who what I fuck no no that same answer let's stick let's maybe Ryan Gosling was in the

nice guys with Russell Crowe Russell Crowe was in gladiator gladiator gladiators we're fucking there that's that was the link that was the link God you're here that was the link man thank you thank you this is how this podcast works is it right absolutely Tom Castro hang on who Tom Castro was a butcher living in Wagga Wagga so yeah yeah until until you meet a guy from Wagga I was like no it's Wigga Wigga mate it's actually Voga Voga German it's Wagga Wagga but it's often called Wagga but you know let it call it Wagga you gotta call it Wagga Wagga really like for like San Francisco but I think that but that's

the fucking why you should do it that's the name like San Francisco people call it Frisco but if you tell that to some San Francisco we're like go fuck you you don't call it that it's like that oh I don't really know I just like I like I like I like this side conversations on the dollop I like when they break away and just talk about stuff Tom had Tom Castro had been born in Chile he was 30 years old five feet nine inches solid built gray eyes and had long greasy hair he was described as quote loose and slommaking slommaking slommaking that was the fucking word what it does slommaking what I didn't look it up I

was just like well the Australians will know I kind of picture just like bad posture sort of maybe a hunchback sort of look yeah like a shaved hunch yeah like a yeah shaved hunch yeah anyone got shampoo yeah that's that's that's slommaking right there and does anyone have shampoo anyone got you I got greasy hair no I got shampoo yes what's past your like I'm just getting okay there in your in character now thank you he was I think I could only imagine his hair if you tell me what vegetable it looks like he's got like a cauliflower head he's got like like a bucket of Brussels sprouts up top he's got

zucchini noodle hair Tom courgette what the fuck is it here is it zucchini man well shame I want an extra step on that just heard my mother in my head for a second courgettes it's called rocket he was actually really good for the people who came for the French side of this story you left us a minute ago now we're back Tom also was missing three front teeth which made him drool and he had a tremor and he had a tremor on one side of his face okay so okay so leading with greasy hair is kind of burying the lead a little bit this guy had so he was basically a toothless drooling greasy hunch man with a twitch with a face

twitching okay okay in August of 1865 he had bet he had just been married to Mary Ann Bryant for four months he's fucking married yeah like this guy you just described yeah I'm not fucking married and this all right anyway he was a butcher I've shouldn't judge him on his appearance a line he might actually have a lot of redeeming he was a butcher so it's always always got mate yeah no I mean a guy like that who only talks about pork chops I mean oh really you know another thing we did today in the bushes wrong sorry honey sorry to get married like that she also had a baby daughter she had a baby

daughter not Tom's daughter oh he was she could tell because it looked normal right oh that's not yours he was and then around this time he was shown the ad about Roger by a friend oh good that's who you want Tom started dropping hints in the pub that there was a title waiting for him and money too unfortunately he'd had a fight with his family and would rather have freedom than all that money when asked what Mary thought Tom said quote she don't know nothing about it don't you go saying nothing besides cast your weight my real name you needn't tell

Mary that neither she fancies being married to South American that's like literally if you put that into like a script people be like that's too too much exposition that says too much like it's too nobody should talk like that they're really it's not even Castro but don't tell her that they'd be like no no impossible Tom owed a lot of money and discussed bankruptcy with his lawyer William Gibbs but Tom didn't want to declare bankruptcy after give Gibbs told them he still have to pay off his debts if he came into money a few days later presidential run a few it's not that that's not that funny a few days

later Gibbs and Tom were talking again and Gibbs said he'd love to be sailing on Sydney Harbor and Tom replied quote you wouldn't say that if you've ever been shipwrecked Tom was then vague when Gibbs continued to question question him but he did say it had happened near Rio de Janeiro and then he was done with the sea they didn't want to go home was that was alive wait he's done with the sea okay I don't know for the sea I'm a butcher now I mean he is just the stereotype in the bar like someone's like the seas like don't talk about the sea the seas dead to me boy but I know a lady who it ain't dead to I'm gonna go

see her soon please be about her going to the site that night Gibbs wife pieced it together with the ad the facts fit because he said everything wait a second wait a second he's literally said everything and now I'm looking at the ad wait a minute it's all super super clear and has been the whole time Tom denied it but he soon quit his job now Arthur Kubit in Sydney had been hired by Roger's mother to find Roger he got a letter from Gibbs asking about Roger what he was like and Gibbs said he thought he had found him he wanted details so he could

be certain now Kubit didn't know much Roger might be using the assumed name due to pride he said I'm Carol I do love these people though because they even give the con people the excuses yeah they might be using a different name and they might look different and they might have no teeth yeah yeah exactly and if in a face that just keeps moving on one side like Roger did Gibbs Gibbs that went and asked Tom if he should call him by his real name Tom then showed Gibbs his well-smoked black wooden pipe it had the initials RTC scratched into it Tom asked Tom asked supposing I am the one in the paper what did I have what would

I have to do would they just send me money and then say you're it wait it's a legitimate question I mean right seems like we have our Roger no I mean so that's what Roger's reaction was they sure if it were the real Roger yeah that's what he'd be sure sure I phrased it weird but I might be him Gibbs explained that Tom would have to go to England and the family would have to be certain Tom didn't seem interested in that at all no no no no because of the same yeah right no I'm not going back out on that ocean yeah she took me near real Tom Gibbs reminded Tom that he had debts and a family now and Tom said quote

don't know if I can face the sea again but I'd have to go by steamer wait he wants to go on a big ship he doesn't want to be a steam ship yeah he wants to be like I was like is he trying to go there by trying I thought he was going to go to that by train I thought he was not like Doc Brown's there this is the only train that'll take you this is Jules and Verne I hope you oh that got a big laugh back to the future three just came out of camera so I played in a double with the fifth element it was a big fucking not camera film festival basically eight films so then Gibbs told Qubit he'd found

Roger Qubit told Roger's mother in December of 1865 quote Mr. Roger Titchborn is alive and well and that he is now in this colony within 600 miles of Sydney your son's circumstances are such that he has not the means to come to Sydney my previous inquiries into his whereabouts were a great expense good sign off Gibbs also said he'd like the reward meanwhile Tom was now taking money from Gibbs to get by in January of 1866 Gibbs convinced Tom to write a letter to his mother and he did my dear mother I deeply regret the trouble and anxiety and I must have caused you by not writing before but the reasons are

known to my attorney and the more private details I will keep for your own ear of one thing rest assured that although I have been in a humble condition of life I have never let any act disgrace you or my family I don't think it needful my dear mother to convince you of my identity although I will mention the brown mark on my side that is just okay keep going I must request you send me the means of passage money and paying a few thousand debts I hope grandpa as well sorry a few thousand debts a few oh sorry outstanding whoops yes a few outstanding okay and then he closed it with I help grandpa as

well Tom asked for 400 pounds give also Gibbs also wrote and said Tom is Roger Lady Titch born was a little confused how do you feel like the way that's not how his son writes to a mother yes I still have that birthmark I've got a brown mark on my side say hi to grandpa say hi to grandpa all the usual stuff we use to say to each other Tom sorry Roger I mean this is literally the original catfish yeah can I see more pics for sure when we meet if catfishing with letters where were you my dearest Mary I couldn't actually make it for I have overspoken yet again Lady Titch born was a little confused she didn't remember any brown

mark on Roger and thought it was weird he asked about his grandpa since both grandpas have been dead for a long time he was for the fences man don't drop in information you're already sure if you have that for sure you know that but if you don't I'm still afraid of clowns and love to throw stuff I know what I'll do I'll say I got a brown spot on my side that'll seal it the next letters just like I just realized grandpa was dead and the thing on my side was mud sorry about that still your son for sure so she didn't respond immediately so Tom wrote you know it is bullshit she's like even I am like no even underwater I

can see that she was too busy jerking off-site oh my god I don't know your boy see again I'm not following this tomorrow you say you know tomorrow maybe I'll still do it if you save a good story so Tom wrote again surely my dear mama you must know my writing you have caused me a deal of trouble TRU BLE so they had the cool acronyms back then Gibbs also took a photograph of Tom and included it Lady Titch born wrote to Gibbs my son was born in Paris and spoke French better than English I fancy that the photographs you sent me are like him but of course after 13 years absence there must have been some

difference in the shape as Roger was very slim but I suppose all those large clothes would make him appear bigger than he is I think yeah my poor dear Roger confuses everything is in his head just as in a dream and I believe yep I believe him to be my son so he is so his statements differ from mine I mean I feel bad for this lady oh she wants is this on well she's getting this is the equivalent of like your grandma being like I sent $4,000 to a Nigerian prince and I'm gonna be a millionaire you're like no no but wouldn't it be great if they had a catfishing show about people pretending they were dead people's kids

oh this week on MTV yeah I'm your kid what's up what this week on Kidfish I know we've been corresponding through Facebook for four years but I'm not the son you thought I was wait what I'm not your son I'm sorry wow that's harsh man that's so dark oh yeah I I'm sorry that I brought it to that level in May of 18 May of 1860 I knew that I knew the email address the dingo didn't actually take me wasn't real too soon is it still too soon in May of 1866 lady titch born wrote to Tom my dear and beloved Roger I hope you will not refuse to come back to your poor afflicted mother I have had the great

misfortune to lose your poor dear father and lately I have lost my beloved Alfred I'm now alone in this world of sorrow I hope you will take that in consideration and that you will come to join me as soon as possible you need not be afraid about the money as you will have all the money necessary to pay your expenses only come to see your poor lonely mother sadly Alfred had just drunk himself to death three days before she wrote the letter even though he was a financial genius he went bankrupt a second time the previous year and had been put in a debtor's prison and because he died in debt all the family's

assets were frozen oh except they had a sphere yeah I always have that you know what we always said you have nothing to sphere but spirit so well as flipping off the audience flipping them off I since fearly miss him every day well since feeling sphere Alfred my sphere is boy now I fear the worst is yet to come I really do I I'm good now Lady Titchmoren had acknowledged Tom as Roger in her letters so Tom went to different bankers and showed them the letter look at this guess who I am now or always was fuck you I mean a fuck of you one one banker land them $50 yes Tom who I mean everybody's the worst I mean that's

just really just fuck off not even back then fifty dollars is like all right and the bank is like well okay you have a letter we're not sure what a bank is either honestly yeah we don't know he asked Tom the bank asked Tom why he had quote knocked around the colonies instead of going home Tom said quote well it's a very jolly life I'm a butcher that sums it up that's why you wouldn't return to all your money when it became obvious Lady Titchmoren didn't have 400 pounds that Tom requested Gibbs and two storekeepers guaranteed in advance of 500 pounds from a bank Tom settled his debts he told people when

he came back from England he was going to build the fanciest butcher shop in Wagga officially Wagga Wagga but that's what he called it he called it Wagga yeah I'm going with him as a quote all right okay and he was gonna name it the Titchmoren meet Emporium the Titchmoren meet Emporium but also I love the limits on his fucking dreams you'll have limitless money what are you gonna do still be a butcher I'm gonna be knee-deep in animals wait why are you even going back then got do something hi I mean anyways

Titchmoren meets Titchmoren meet Emporium I've done it Titchmore meet Emporium he is stay for the lies I cut me that's two pounds no I could see on the scale huh I'm your son what Bobby yeah I'm Bobby that'll be $300 I'm Bobby yeah take your ground beef it's good to see you ma boy it's been so long is grandpa still dead yeah and I still got that big weird birthmark all down my side what never mind it's mine come back again so great seeing you mom now if you'll excuse me again my dad my aunt my other mom how you guys doing welcome to Titchmore meet Emporium I'm related to everybody that died to you Titchmore

meet Emporium we got some of the freshest the best cuts and I'm your dead relatives come on down get a cut of me talk about a barbecue we'll have for the family reunion we need to have because god damn it I'm someone to somebody Tom then went to Sydney in June 1866 where he met Cupid Cupid noticed that Tom had an excitable temperament and his face twitched which fit with Lady Titchmoren's description of Roger Bing nervous I think he's actually thinking about the twitch which born god damn it will son of a bitch son of a twitch what

guy does the ponds son of a titch it's which poor oh yes Cupid grilled Tom he's he Tom said some of the details of his army career didn't match his mother's Tom said quote I was never an officer by God I have a bloody good mind not to go near her at all when I get home well that's gonna sour the reunion yeah I mean he's thinking's not great yeah no I like his approach like every time he's challenged on a fact he just is like I know you are but what am I must be him we got he's good man he's serious about saying who he is so he's

got to be him because when we were like your your facts don't match up with your families he was like well they fucked him so how's that not him gotta take him back clearly that's the defense of someone who is him Cupid was convinced sure he already had a fucking time to be alive I know right I'm a genie hi I do money's for wishes it's a whole new thing you go to letter from your mom genie it says your genie yep right here in Magic Inc. hello you want like a thousand dollars absolutely I do and then I'll get back in a lamp a grant a bunch of wishes tomorrow because I'm a legal genie absolutely let's go over to

the meeting podium and get some meat oh you mean over at the titch me to pour him fine genie I went nowhere yeah well I also feel like you're trying to have sex with the genie suddenly no no no that's not one of the wishes wish number one I want you a genie mass you question uh-huh who controls the fish I'm out of here keep it was convinced he already had the letter a letter from the private secretary of the governor of New South Wales who was a titch-borne family friend stating lady titch-borne was sure that quote Mr. Kubits man was her son Tom Telegraph gives quote identified by a lady government house sent letter

acceptance all right Tom volunteered to pay Kubits expenses and the reward that all came to about a thousand pounds Tom met the government secretary and family friend who actually had never met Roger he spoke with Tom for an hour and then fired off a letter quote I think that he is the man I know to look about the eyes and mouth which strongly reminded me of his father his upper front teeth are all missing and he was I can assure you dirty enough wait that is not a genetic both in person right it is like his mom both in person and in dress for even a colonial butcher his English too is a bit butchery at times

but damn it it's gotta be him was that guy doing his fucking roast yeah I mean I mean this guy's such a butcher the English language is on the chop block am I right guys he'll serve you adverbs for 99 cents about I'll tell you what's mince this preposition come on guys I'm into it yeah I mean a roast for a butcher too it's a great big I've understood this entirely I have some great lamb what what what is this a rose that makes so much sense Tom had Mary brought to Sydney and explained to her that she was actually this is wife okay Tom and Mary brought to Sydney and explained her that she was actually a

lady and was going he was going to take her and their daughter to England could this be more white trash I mean it turns out you're a lady baby I do forget that he has no front teeth that these guys are like he doesn't seem that affluent I'm him I'm absolutely him I am mm-hmm can you give me a napkin so I can stuff that in between these chompers I'm the boy so he so he tells Mary he's gonna take Mary and their daughter and they're all gonna go to England but I mean my mom but the illegitimate daughter has to stay behind tough it's hard yeah tough cause if you're meeting the new family you

can't bring that she's that's not if he's a major read bloodline unfortunately you don't fit into my paranoid delusion okay I could fake everything but did that's my daughter I don't know how we'll convince them now let's go there I have no teeth and I'm rich all right also by the way how does the cousin fucker pull the hole that wasn't in the cousin fucker he was gonna be the cousin fucker right Roger he doesn't know that but Roger was gonna yeah but yeah anyway yeah that is true and that's what he gets grossed out our cousin fucking have some moral compass man my god I'm just

ruining four lives at once so your cousin I mean I fucked my cousin don't get me wrong privately so then Tom and Mary got remarried in a church in a church Tom using the name Roger Titchport Tom got a suite of rooms at the Metropolitan Hotel hired a carriage to take his wife around town and bought them both a shitload of clothes the ex-head gardener of the Titchborns now happen to live in Sydney so he stopped by strangely Tom did not recognize him Tom just stared blankly when the gardener asked him about relatives of course the gardener after all that still said Tom was Roger right right he said

Tom looked just like his uncle Robert Titchborn especially the back of his head yep well do we feel like the gardener had been fucking Roger though do me a favorite smash it into a pillow a couple yeah that's him that is him I'll never forget it hold on I'm gonna squirt something on the back here by the way you have mud on your butt you have a big muddy birthmarker my it's mud Tom wrote to Lady Titchborn quote one of the old servants call on me he knew me has soon has he see me sure what was that he wrote who wrote this he wrote Tom lady Titchborn yeah Roger one of the old servants call on me that he knew me

has soon has he see me he meant to write as but he wrote has instead they didn't have auto-correct on letters back then another friend actually has these French fat as I believe another ex-Titchborn servant was in Sydney lady Titchborn wrote quote there is a man of color at Sydney who could tell you how the family stands his name is bugle and he is quite black hang on what's he's everything everything again Roger knows him very well his name is bugle and he's let me start from the top yes there is a man of color at Sydney who could tell you how the family stands his name is boggle and he is quite black Roger knows

him very well okay all the details are out there a black one is coming hello boggle and now the very old boggle came boggle told Tom he didn't think he was Roger Tom responded I'm not so slender as when I left the Titchborn when boggle saw a resemblance to sir Henry Titchborn and proceeded to tell Tom about the family they spent four days together with boggle telling him wait boggle didn't think it was him though but then eventually like let me tell you everything about it to prove that you're not here before you go back there yeah they spent you know why they call me boggle my decisions make your mind feel

weird I like the thing they got in boggle because he filled in all the information didn't know and he was like the original Google I look this information up on boggle it took a while boggle search engine so it was then decided that boggle would go to England with Tom what just happened the trip boggle just got in on this game you know what you are him the trip would be paid for by a loan from a boggle's son with the agreement that Tom would pay him back so now Tom is at the hotel it's him his wife his daughter a nurse made Tom's just hired secretary who was a guy named truth butts what no no that is

not his name there is no way very much is everyone's making up that oh you're boggle and you're Roger I'm truth I'm truth but this is my buddy real dicks and we're gonna come on guys everyone get on board this is dr. horse this is legitimate vagina legit vaginas here vagina so we're all normal and yeah we have no we're all being honest hi I'm I'm Doug Doug Doug fuck party have you just play drop the dog stick with what we're kind of hey my name's fuck party better Doug better can I go to England yeah you're definitely coming to England I don't mean to make you think you're not

coming in your shirt coming to England we're all going to England now we're all going to bugle legit vagina real dick true butts did I mention boggle he's a guy oh oh he's the one that's black is not that's right we're quite a rag tag punch Tom was also being invited to dinner with many of Sydney's most prominent citizens but he rejected all the invitations and spawn most spent most of his days in a pub and he kept borrowing money from whoever he could Tom was basically trading IOUs against his future inheritance oh boy they would be

redeemable living like dumb and dumber like yeah right he's just right and he's like don't trust me but again this is another reason not to eventually come back to woga-woga for the mid-imporium right yeah I don't know because the waga important the medium form sounds like like that could be a lot of money like he could like that could be striking it rich you know I mean how many people there eat meat true I mean you get probably most yeah yeah so okay you're right I agree so Tom's I use he said will be redeemable at a London bank in three months give's got 500 pounds cuba to thousand and Tom used them the IOUs

to buy the hotel for $10,000 what he IOU'd a hotel yep fuck I like how this guy rolls I'm starting to I'm starting to fucking warm to Tom seriously yeah absolutely I just bought this hotel on an IOU he's like a hypnotist I got a letter from a mom somewhere you think we're idiots this hotel is actually yours now Tom but Roger sorry everyone keeps making that mistake good to meet you Boggle good to see you as usual true butts like the usual gangs here as as soon as true butts had a real big true bats you know I got one that ain't gonna quit it's me true bats it's true

like a badonka dog what is it true true spot that's right truth but this but don't lie look at it squats baby that's the truth but just saying a second ago you didn't know your own name I knew my name I didn't know if it was maybe you have a list truth but true but both work he can't tell what you're saying you're missing four times yeah like you said blablax hell you talking about no front teeth tell me my butt won't quit my butt won't quit I true but or truth but which is it truth right it is true that I know it is I remember now as soon as Kubit got his thousand dollars of Tom's IOU's he went and sold them to a

moneylender for four-fifths of their face value what is happening what is how what's going on there's now a new currency here's what's going on every Australians in on it yeah the whole gang left on September 2nd for London Tom took his sweet time he enjoyed Panama for about a month can't wait to see mom but need a little time-time oh maybe we'll slow her down and see the sites then he headed to New York where he called his heels for another month he went to Panama set up some fucking offshore accounts or something and then he's rolled to the city that never sleeps on the fucking white he's like you know

what we got around the world ticket it was cheaper it was cheaper mom hangs on because once I'm done having fun I need to see her again remember what she looks like for the first time then he was off to Washington DC Baltimore and Philadelphia he could afford it because he borrowed $700 in New York meanwhile Lady Titch born was waiting and waiting and waiting she had expected Tom over a month ago while Tom was taking his time a young Henry Alfred Joseph Dodie Titch born came into the world he was dead brother Alfred's son and the heir to the estates a family lawyer showed letters of Rogers old

writing and Tom's new letters to Lady Titch born they didn't match at all what she fired the lawyer smart yeah I have a feeling she's she's going to buy it no matter what I had some sympathy for her before but I'm back yeah Tom finally arrived in London and discreetly went 25 miles outside of the city where he stayed for a couple of days and then he took a train to where the Titch born estates were located at this point every paper in America Australia and England were cranking out stories about the newfound Baron Tom Walker on the small town in huge coats using giant hats to hide his face so everyone knew it was

Roger Jesus a few days later a man just entered his room at the end he was staying in and demanded to know whether or not he was Roger Titch born Tom said yes and then covered his face with his hands and told him to leave but the man but the man didn't because Michael Jackson behavior a little bit no and then and then Tom took out a manual Lewis yeah there's definitely we have kittens backstage in a great Webster reference and that's what that was Michael Jackson always kept around sorry I didn't realize I was like what is that reference Jackson dated for a while yeah or whatever it is when you hang out with

a boy for years but hey they were cousins so this guy turned out to be the family lawyer and he told Tom that any question of entitlement to the property must be decided in a court of law and then he left and then Tom hired a lawyer who formally told the Titch born lawyer that Tom was making a claim on the estate what what so now it's all him he's all in baby all right why do you why do you think he came to fucking England yeah I thought to like slowly milk the process right full but instead he shows up he's like I own it all who is there dentist an investigator was sent by some members of the Titch born family to

find out what he could he spoke to truth butts you know I might lie to you but this area I'll tell you everything you need to know can you handle the truth that's this may seem weird but I'm gonna leave the room and you just talked to my asshole tell you everything you need to know I'm known for Fibon but truth but I'll tell you everything oh wait the Oracle never lies get up real close to it now truth but I don't know anything I really don't I don't know anything I love a good joke I love a joke I had my name change yeah oh I'm an Anderson yeah oh

for sure no I've been doing this forever not spread though so truth butts was working his time I'm so sad this story isn't about truth but well we're making it about truth but if truth but ends up with his mother living in the ocean I'll be happy no if sands are truth but you know me you could trust a name you could trust truth but it's one word is it be you TTS yeah but I thought he's but he's first names truth truth yeah truth but yeah yeah okay all right so wait it's truth right truth okay okay yeah truth first name truth second name but you gotta end with butts mr. butts truth truth call me truth butts I'd rather not I that's

insane so so the investigator spoke to truth but he was telling the truth but sorry nothing but the truth so so the investor here spoke to truth but who was Tom Sagatari who was making 500 pounds a year yeah although he'd only been paid 10 10 10 so far truth butts revealed that Tom did not know how to speak French hmm apparently he'd forgotten the language he was raised speaking when Tom found out what truth butts had told the investigator he fired truth butts by the way I couldn't stop just using his full name oh what I would you ever but there's going truth butts then hung around for a year he was Australian

right yeah wasn't it yeah the guy in Australia called truth but and we've never fucking heard of him before it's a lot should have become screwed what the truth go down under swearing lastly but is that the butts that hung around for a year trying to get his salary out of Tom because he didn't have any money to return home to Australia more and he needed two seats yes more titch-borne lawyers came to the hotel Tom would always cover his face and run upstairs I mean that's normal behavior enough is that not enough that's enough now he's enough to be like no no no way no way not right no poor Roger is so sad

he can't face anybody what he's done yeah because his whole identity is different no lady titch-borne was so I also love that that's his plan whenever us he just covers his face and runs away well but you like if you're him you're like you you start this off you're like I'll be great yeah I'm full of shit but then you get there you're like oh some of these people actually know this dude so you're like plan to yeah so lady titch-borne was still in Paris and she sent word that she wanted Roger Roger to live with her there the family started right away bring him here the family started to become concerned that she had

looked at the photo of Tom that she was sent so much that when she saw him she might actually trick herself into thinking that he was Roger I mean there's no evidence of her behavior up to this point that would lead them to reasonably be expected that would be the case right no no no you need yeah you bring him to Paris I'll be at the docks they were worried that she is no more stories only I had his teeth do you know how many dicks I had to suck to prove this was Roger Tom finally went to Paris on January 10th 1867 and checked into a hotel

Lady Titch-borne sent her valet three times to get Tom but he would not come to her normal finally she went to the hotel herself mm-hmm Tom allowed her to see him but only in a darkened bedroom with his lawyer there that's how you want a reunion when she came in Tom was lying on the bed with his back turned his face to the wall he's lying on the bed with his face to the wall back turned face to the wall yeah Lady Titch-borne is it good to see you mom course you've changed but you still look the same and me don't I just look the same don't I just look the same throw the money on the bed and get the fuck

out get out I bought the hotel Lady Titch-borne walked over and then leaned over and kissed him on the mouth oh what and saddened regardless of anything that's weird this story was just about a mother who kissed their son on the mouth at that age this is still a weird fucking story yeah and with the teeth situation that's just like sloppy right off the back oh god great to see you my god did you spit what happened then she put her finger in his anus it's my boy truth butts is spoken he was named after a test I invented so so she said it's called the truth but he's being honest he's lying I'm actually the one lying

this is not a test I got some demons I got a look in the eyes tonight everybody she said that she said that Tom looked like his father although his ears were more like his uncles Tom then dropped his handkerchief and slightly turned to face her he was shaking and in tears oh my dear Roger she said and cradled his head in her arms Tom's lawyer then stood up and said to the valet quote you are a witness that Lady Titch-borne recognizes her son the valet replied and so are you and that was that Tom was now Roger well I mean the valet was there so it's pretty valid he validated it I technically didn't

have his lawyer he had his lie I haven't got another one the newspapers wrote articles reporting that sir Roger Charles a dowdy Titch-borne had been recognized by his mother two doctors were called to examine him to look for scars and other things that Lady Titch-borne remembered both doctors agreed it was Roger Jesus the Titch-borne family lawyer wrote to a Tom's lawyer our instructions are to deny emphatically that your client is the person he represents himself to be and to leave him to adopt such measures measures as he thinks proper Tom then hung out with his mother's lawyer who

knew Roger growing up he jumped right on the Thomas Roger train and went as far as to invite Tom to stay with him for a week they went fishing together apparently Tom chose the exact type of lawyers Roger did as a boy lady Titch- born got boxes of Rogers old possessions out to try to trigger his memory Rogers uncle but wait to try to trigger his memory yeah he's having a hard time okay because he's like because nothing because he can't remember the things he'd never experienced remember remember your doll oh yeah oh for sure I don't yeah you know what Australia makes you not remember anything well Australia it's like amnesia so I don't I've read that it can make you forget French entirely yeah matches up

I remember a man named truth butts oh oh yeah he's on the property still mm-hmm I feel like I remember an old woman sucking dicks down on the dock yeah no I did that that was my mouth hi mom baby I can't believe how weird your ears have gotten and now literally everything else is different Rogers uncle was you have a birthmark oh yeah it's crazy how that happens after birth yeah I mean I picked Australia's weird yeah no I would never want to go there because I like being who I am yeah and you've completely changed well it's a tough it's a tough place remember your blocks as your valet it's weird that I'm here for this

you need to stay here you have to be here you'll bring the carriage or car round whenever whatever the hell it is now you are you are my best and closest friend and maybe my aunt my grandma Rogers uncle wasn't buying it he saw Tom and spoke French to him Tom didn't know what he was saying he then asked a very well-dressed man to come in and ask Tom who it was Tom asked one of my uncles nope it was a servant dressed up he tested Tom to see if he knew his father's handwriting but he didn't the uncle then furiously left convinced Tom was not Roger meanwhile Lady Titch born had now been living with Tom for

months she wrote to a friend they must be savages in Australia to have made him so rough I mean she is the perfect mark like she leaned into this so strong like she just wants it to be him you could have brought like a lion to the door and she had been like Roger I don't know what they've done to him in the Savannah but he's very violent but he's still my boy and he likes raw raw beef hi honey it's mom oh yeah he's angry today eat your food eat your food mama loves you he's got a birthmark that he didn't

have before so it's him Tom was now cashing in on his Roger this in London trading against his future inheritance he got a loan of 6,000 pounds another for a thousand cousin Katie her husband a Titch born aunt and another cousin popped in unexpectedly they told told Roger to identify them the women were all wearing veils Tom said he didn't know Katie's husband asked him a question in French and Tom just stared at him the two men then started arguing and Tom pushed him out the door but Katie saw a bit of likeness to her cousin Roger around the eyes that eyebrows on the forehead and his voice was like Rogers like how she

decided it was Roger how many people like like if you're looking at a forehead and eyebrows you're like that is very sit like you know I would never be like oh that's him look at his eyebrows at forehead but also at this point so many people have confirmed yeah that it might be right that I'm starting to think fuck maybe this is actually fucking Roger and this guy living in Woga Woga doesn't fucking know that he's Roger because he's toothless and he's forgotten fucking French but he stumbled onto it because everybody else fucking thinks he's Roger right Maury Povich in this era then on March 12th 1868 lady Titch born

died she did get to spend one year with her boy so that was nice Tom then swiftly took possession of his late mother's boxes and papers as well as her carriage and horses from the staples and he grabbed 73 pounds she had on her when she died well that's that's nice that's that most most nothing says I love you like going through your dead relatives pockets for loose charge I mean imagine seeing that the valet is like sir huh what she's not gonna spend it asshole Lord god damn you're like truth but that's some sense right out truth but right after the inquest Tom asked his lawyer to figure out where the

family silver was kept Tom cried all the way through his mom's funeral and then got into a fistfight with his uncle over the formal position of chief mourner in the procession chief mourner yeah I mean the person who has to be the most upset the head of the family that okay I thought that was like an official position yeah funeral back then you've been to England yeah I've been to funerals in England and I don't remember one person being like I'll lead the grieving yeah but your family you're like they're like animals like this is like legitimate like no no you would

have achieved more now I'll lead oh no kind of like that oh god can't believe she's gone from the top no sadness you consume me I want to be president of the mourners someday anyway they did not have come to an agreement so instead two processions followed the casket normal so this is where it gets a bit confusing the family lawyer said Tom had to prove he was Roger in court uh-huh okay so Tom's lawyers had him go to Chile to appear before a panel of judges where witnesses would swear he was Roger Titchport wait but that but he no we're going to Chile baby no you don't go why

would you wait act three get on an airplane so they go to Chile so that people who know him will just be like that's him yep all righty seems to make sense Tom then wrote a letter to a friend he had in Chile who also was named Tom Castro quote I have a strange thing to tell me how am I good quote I have a strange thing to tell you and I do not doubt but that you will think I took a very great liberty and that is that I assumed and made you see your name and that during the 16 years and I was I was in Australia I was only known as Thomas Castro I can't however assure you my dear friend that I never dishonored your

name or even your prowess on horseback during the time I was over there signed Roger Titch born wait what wait so wait wait wait wait wait is he is he Roger he's an actual other person though right Roger Titch born did this is what red Roger Titch born is saying yeah Roger Titch born is saying that he lived for a while in South America and he made a friend named Tom Castro and right moved to Australia and he took Tom Castro's name okay so he's writing to no one no Tom Castro's son wrote back I don't know so the son Tom Castro's son wrote back it was very friendly letter and in it he reminded Tom that when he lived in

Chile he did not go by Roger he went by Arthur Orton oh yeah okay okay that was close right away when they got to Chile wanted Tom's lawyers quit writing to another partner neither you nor I have the got the whole truth out of Titch born yet he is full of cunning and deceit he is not so simple-minded as he's thought to be the trial started on May 1871 a huge crowd showed up the family had 300 witnesses lined up to say Tom was not Roger Tom's lawyer had a hundred witnesses lined up to say he was Roger there were many military witnesses Australian witnesses medical witnesses

old servants and tenants a detective in London then went around showing Tom's portrait asked if anyone had seen him that's my favorite part of all is this is a time when they walked out portraits they walked around with a painting you seen this guy oh yeah yeah pastelly blue eyes right yeah I know I mean you could just do anything but yeah yeah it's fucking crazy so a pub landlady said she had come uh that this man had come near Christmas time and kept talking about old neighbors especially the family of the late George Orton you guys hear that sorry no can you repeat that

there was something important I hope there's a beer a beer show your priorities that like there's like this is already a complicated story I'm like no I can just search around for how to open my beer for a minute and not miss anything is truth butts back in it they were trying to find the truth butts last time I remember the story truth butts came out of the sky Simba my son okay so a pub landlady was showed the portrait and she said that this man

had come near Christmas and kept talking about old neighbors especially the family of the late mr. George Orton a butcher in high street she then realized Tom must be an Orton whom he looked like then one Charles Orton came out of him I mean am I the only one who doesn't understand what's going on anymore can you repeat that one more time just so I can get exactly what happened okay he so so this guy in chili has said you used to call yourself Arthur Orton okay so this is so a then a then an

investigator in London started showing the portrait of different places in London of Tom oh yeah in London yeah and he comes across a woman in a pub who says oh yeah he's he's one of the Orton boys oh okay okay sounds like he might be an Orton then a man named Charles Orton came out of the woodwork and said Tom was his brother Arthur apparently Tom had been paying Charles to keep quiet five pounds a month but now the payments had stopped and so Charles was spilling the good keep paying five pounds a month

what the fuck in court Tom said he's not getting hotels I don't sorry man I don't know if I can afford it right now you don't have any fucking teeth bro I don't know man why why are you always about the teeth I mean the guy it's just an indicator in court Tom in court one question about it Tom said that he was friends with Arthur Orton yeah so he's friends with himself now is that what that's what he's my best friend that's a good place to stop tell him a guy no ask me any question about it

I know a lot about him actually less about me I spent years stuttering and studying Arthur Orton and forgetting who I am in Australia I think I knew too much about Arthur and I forgot as cliches it sounds I forgot about Roger I really did I lost myself back there you don't know what it's like to be a butcher they asked Tom about the subjects he learned at prep school like Latin and Greek and geometry oh yeah no knowledge of them I remember all

them Roger had left a sealed envelope before he went to South America okay Tom was asked about it okay he said this is like some magician this is the best now though like a sealed envelope but what's in the sealed envelope what did you write on this yeah oh he said why don't you tell me quite comp quite confidently that the letter was about what to do if Katie ended up being pregnant after he left oh Tom that's one or

oath that he had seduced Katie and the court lost a shit turns out the envelope just had a letter about Roger talking about building a church I made it all vice the opposite what's the letter letter says I fucked her I fucked your bunch you and I couldn't stop fucking her actually a baby up in there stop we have it here yeah read it it's a fucking plan for a church same thing different entirely euphemism no it is not

that's what I call fucking these are fucking drawings dude right wrong she's built like a church no she is no don't try that shit with us I mean he has fucking thrown her under the boss oh like in his imaginary world she's like thanks for the shout out asshole it's about how I think good huh yeah wait I swear to God I made her come I didn't just sounds like someone needs a little truth but I think you'll find it starts dear me I always thought the letters to me were made up until I can't believe I'm actually

writing one of these why but why why would you not just claim like just not knowing any you know amnesia why don't you just go the boat isn't that where you go first you got always in his shipwreck and I can't remember yeah you're just like I hit my head so hard yeah my memory's foggy it rings a bell my teeth out was it about Katie French anymore have you guys at all noticed this guy's a fucking idiot I know he's got so far for an idiot that I'm almost like at this point you believe it yeah you're just like dude I got to the

winner's circle right I don't need a press conference like he's fucking full and he's white at the top it's okay we're talking about a guy who did this oh no hi hi Roger yeah but Dave he's about to be president like this is what it feels like why don't you tell me what's in the letter whatever's in the letter it's unbelievable the best you're never going to read anything like it okay

it's going to be the greatest thing you've ever heard nobody's writing letters like this anymore I'll tell you that much I'll tell you that much right now this is gonna this letter is going to be the best letter ever okay why don't you read it to me it's unbelievable the newspapers were given uh we're giving the trial lots of coverage the times of London had two columns a day the family praded witness after witness about how Roger had a tattoo on his arm

Tom didn't after a hundred three days the jury stopped the trial the jury was like we're good we're good we're gonna wrap this up how many days 103 days 103 days 103 days bring on OJ 103 the jury denied Tom's rights to the estate the judge then had Tom arrested for perjury the judge was especially upset about what Tom had said about fucking Katie I'm not gonna ride judge yeah yeah damn straight Tom was in prison for seven weeks saying he was the victim of a huge conspiracy

his supporters uh raised his bail here we which was 10 000 pounds she's and he had it all in io use yeah will this do he wrote in newspapers asking for the public to help him he now needed money for legal and living expenses quote I appealed to every British soul who is inspired by a love of justice and fair play and is willing to defend the weak against the strong with the greatest in with the greatest reluctance I must appeal to the British public for money to conduct my defense

people basically bought shares in Tom against his future estate money okay so they he started a patreon patreon you can get Tom shirt uh yeah there's also truth butts mugs you can hit us up on teach startup and then uh and then my mom will jerk you off under a dock for $50 a month we threw a body in the ocean like she requested I'm not doing it I found my kid Roger was in coral he's coral I found you

Tom was now very famous when he did get out of jail an enormous crowd was waiting for him the working class got the credit for raising the bail money the titch born defense fund committee was active all across england with offices in every town he went on a fundraising tour and spoke to packed crowds we're gonna make Roger great again okay and we're gonna make chili pay for it Tom worked the common man angle in his speeches quote

is working man's evidence not as good as that of Lord bellow bellow was one of the rich guys who had said Roger had tattoos in court in the next town he spoke under a banner that read thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor 8 000 people saw him speak in bradford 20 000 in manchester everyone there paid one to three shillings the money went to the titch born defense fund you know the worst thing about this fucking story is i've done gigs in

fucking england and i have never pulled those crap never it's not even fucking close did he go to adelaide the question 400 i'm fucking tom roger what the tom roger tom got his own journal called the titch born gazette which just stirred up the public about his treatment and asked for more money tom's perjury trial started on april of 1873 it had been eight years since he heard about the ad in the australian paper the perjury trial went on for 10 months which was the longest trial in england

to date he would arrive every day in a carriage as thousands cheered him he would bow as he got out to acknowledge him it's insane how far you could push a fucking lie like you are having a trial bowing to people being like but come on buy this shit keep buying this i mean you are at the height there's gonna be like a day or two where he's like oh call it just like just i can't do this i can't do this what would truth putts do i can't do this shit no just go there and bow every time i think i'm

in over my head they just keep buying it yeah they won't stop buying it i played to 20 000 people imagine i mean imagine do you understand what i'm saying to you and they are clapping for me the prosecution bought 212 witnesses the defense 256 tom's lawyer talked for 26 days straight at one point what his lawyer was a bit of a pit bull type attacking witnesses and arguing with the judge at one point he set up tom's enemies who are they the Jesuits

so he's interesting he's you know he's the right lawyer right the right guy yeah he's a good campaign manager i love it they were 26 days straight 26 days straight i'm not done your honor more water plays your honor a little more water for me parched over here there were days and days of testimony about tom and roger's physical attributes how their earlobes hung marks on their ankles how their legs moved a phrenologist had given tom a he gave him the head bump on the head exam and then he gave tom

a medical exam hold on he said when he wanted to look at tom's genitals he asked tom to hold up his stomach but tom couldn't so the doctor propped it the back of a chair underneath it so he sat like slater without actually going down he to look at his genitals he used a chair to wrap up his stomach wait so wait wait no i'm sorry i misunderstood he was so fat which i don't know if we've i mean at this point he's eating like a god damn

king yeah so he can't get his he has to put his belly on the back of a chair for the doctor to look at his genitals through the back of a chair that's correct a very very medical very you've heard it a million times then the phrenologist looked closely at tom's genitals this isn't a head at all well tom said quote that is my malformation tom's penis did not stick out wait what wait it didn't stick out dude are you is he about is he got an image does he have does this is he saying that this

man has micro penis like is that what's happening here if is he gonna stare into some like hole and only see a chair like some weird fucked up play school there's a chair in there but no penis to uh tom's penis did not stick out what he had a large bladder and no muscle connecting his urethra to his pubic bone so his penis retracted retracted the courtroom was then tried to have any the courtroom was then cleared of women well i i don't know if anyone needed

to make that official ladies get out of here it's a little too close to what you have with balls i don't know what is happening oh because the balls would still be out right there balls are there i think they're not imagining this there's nothing no no there's balls there's still balls but didn't they just a little yeah like i got and oh my god like a snail's head going into a shell dave like the shell's still there but you know where did it go

dave oh my god dave you did not just tell us this fact retractable penis i didn't gareth the court did your honor the court i let the record show that his penis is super weird and kind of not there your honor but not here your inner can we use the gavel maybe we could bash it out a little i don't know maybe we hit his ass i don't know how it works i've never seen anything like this if it comes out six more weeks of winter i wish his mom was here to suck it out honestly this is just the situation we

put ourselves in at this point we invent i do it for the truth yeah yeah people are getting offended by a thing that wasn't true that we invented you never sucked a dick and it's not her son i mean she probably did yeah she sucked it she sucked it who knows what it was like thank you she was in she was in france for a while she sucked yeah for sure for sure we know what happened to the dogs tom's lawyer then argued that roger had complained about having a small penis to his aunt

the fucking luck of this guy like seriously he apparently wrote to her and said this is exactly trump now he apparently wrote to her and said he was worried he couldn't have children and enclosed a withered leaf hang on is this the first sex i say essentially send her that is an emoji here's a withered leaf to show you what my dick feels like oh paul's well maybe roger tom's attorney also argued lady titch born had looked at tom's penis to be

sure he was roger titch born titch born and there's no penis yeah hey uh but tell me one more time she looked at his penis tom's attorney argued that lady titch born had looked at tom's penis to be sure he was roger the judge completely flipped out flipped out with that um i guess that um substantiated claim yeah that feels yeah that's why he should be freaking out closing arguments lasted two months and also uh his dick your honor he's stammering

again he doesn't have anything to say his dick is in it's inside so he's you know he's the guy objection i'm just getting started here give me a week give me a week your honor can i have a week to talk about the dick granted if the born doesn't twitch you much quits johnny cock run tom uh the jury deliberated for 29 minutes i mean they were on lunch after two months of closing arguments they take

less than half an hour and you know that they probably reached in eight minutes they're like do you want to just do like 15 more to make them feel good just like we've known since january we found him not hung tom was guilty of perjury and the jury said his name was arthur orton he was sentenced to 14 years in prison how many 14 okay but tom's fame wasn't going anywhere post trial photos of tom out so outsold those of royalty dinner sets went on sale that had figurines of all

the main people from the trial table what the i gnar are you serious and then just the thimble for the penis more salt actual size what's what's this it's a hole mm-hmm five dollars that'll be five dollars you can't put anything in there but uh it'll dribble every now and then it's me mouth formation uh tablecloths were sold that had scenes from the trial and they were slippers with tom

titch born stitched on them tom's lawyer is tom's lawyer was disbarred i mean technically tom was also disbarred uh he then won a seat in the house of commons the lawyer did the lawyer his platform was demanding a new trial for tom ah he also said that jesuits were trying to poison him this guy he could still be existing today i think and the ex-lawyer started a newspaper called the englishman that was about freeing tom it had a weekly circulation of 150 000

the london times wrote of of those who still believed that tom was roger quote it is evidence of something worse than a low state of education among large masses of people it brings into unpleasant prominence a degraded condition of morality david such as we are accustomed to associate with the rowdy population of other communities rather than with our own countrymen it warns us no that there is in this sensible sober and calculating england a stratum of society about as

unaccountable and as little to be depended upon as quicksand or a quagmire mr anthony yes why he's got two more months of this so strap yourself in i think we have eight more years of this ha ha ha branches of the titch born release association met every week in london and larger towns but slowly interested in the late 1870s tom was finally released in 1884 he signed a contract with a traveling circus agent for a year

uh wait uh can well well not no it's not the penis behold he's got a hole but he's a man the no penis merman he was billed as sir roger and told stories after that he worked as a bartender and he got married his wife was now in oh sorry his wife mary was now in a workhouse uh and tom was married to a singer when tom was 61 years old he wrote quote i am arthur orton and no other person i have never seen roger titch born in my life nor had i when i left waga waga the

slightest intention of ever claiming the titch born estates all i was hoping for was to get money i'd have stayed behind in sydney or taken a ship for california had it not been for the urgings and attentions of my infatuated followers with little effort the story really built itself and in that way it grew so large that i really could not get out of it turns out tom had a friend in waga waga who was from the same area as the titch born's tom found out as much as he could from his friend quote i wish to

relieve the public mind about any doubt that they may have entertained as to my real identity i apologize to the titch born family and lady redcliffe for the great trouble and anxiety i have for years caused them his confession was published in a journal in installments when the last one was published he recanted the whole thing hang on so he published a confession and literally right at the end just went suck! yeah i've been permed i like to think i mean there's nothing about this guy i don't enjoy

he had no penis no pain and he worked as a butcher surrounded by sausages that's like this whole life of this man is an amazing this isn't much sausage ma'am that's a lot of sausage you want to see not a lot of sausage no oh my god it's a void tom Castro slash arthur orton slash roger titch born died on april first 1898 on the davis funeral throngs of people began showing up as the sun came up by midday spectators packed the street his coffin had a brass plaque on it that said roger

sir roger charles darty titch born that's an australian so if i'm following this correctly it was actually him that's what you're saying right yeah it's official he's buried next to truth well truth's brother was turned out to be seymour seymour what was that i like to think that that guy who he got the information from was like roger also didn't have a dick and he was like i'll see you in two days

my story's got to corroborate all the way through over circumcise me doc i hope there's no one in here within any who's upset right now or eating calamari um well that's crazy i when you hold on to micro penis for that long you're in a good story i mean yeah right i mean truth but was a side character a side character but it was a drive by right and there was a new one there was an

old lady who now lives in the ocean that we haven't even heard about uh i mean that was pretty great yeah all right well story day the fuck um very long or to play pokemon uh thank you we really thank you guys so much for coming out honestly um give it up for willa anderson you guys uh two things two things the first is we want to thank uh our best friends david craig uh who have hooked us up uh tonight for the first dollop we did here and this one um you guys might remember craig from

the last time we were here he locked us out of the venue um they do and he says that that venue someone thinks it might be another craig it is not craig it is this craig um so just to be clear he did it uh but we really appreciate it guys thank you so much honestly appreciate it