The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 251 - The Morrisites (Live from Salt Lake City)

Episode Date: March 18, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Joseph Morris and his new religion live from the Golden Spike Comedy Festival SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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How many times are we gonna do this shit? I think you like that it bothers me. Hello Mormons! This is perfect. How many X Mormons? How many X? That's just wondering. You're listening to the dollop! This is a bi-weekly American History podcast. Each week I, comedian, actor, writer, director, Dave Anthony, read a story from American History to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Seal owner. He owns a seal for those of you who don't know about Gareth. Thank

you sir. Really? He's offended by the seal talk as we all are. Already he's like thank you sir. I told you if they brought up seals I am walking. Oh he's the dry skin guy? Yeah, if your skin is dry, head in the bathroom and just wet them down every half hour. Sneeze in your hands and use it as lotion. You're missing one component. Wow, that got more upsetting than I could ever have imagined. Now, 1824! See how many of you guys know about this gentleman? Joseph Morris. So a lot, a lot of them. Not this one. He's all that matters. Hey. Was born, was born in England. He was the fifth of eight children. As a young man

he worked as a farm hand and a coal miner. Okay. Just boyhood shit. Yeah, getting the coal mines. That's where you want to spend your adolescence. He grew up and he was still small and stocky. He had dark eyes and long dark hair. All right. Sexy. Likey. At age 23 he was converted by Mormon missionaries in England. Okay, all right. Yeah, now he's a Mormon. Doing their job. Yeah, spreading the word. We got off the plane. We saw a gentleman coming back from his mission. His whole family was there. It was a very heartwarming, all strange experience. 240 people. Yeah, seriously. That's a big family. Tell us of chili elder Gus. I could get out of

prison after 30 years and I'd get like three family members to show up. And your dad would be one of them and you'd be like, no, I love you boy. Daddy's got your back still. Get in this Bjorn. We're going to redo childhood. So he got married around that time when he converted. I married Mary Thorpe and they left England for Utah. Okay. Coming to America to the home of land. Yeah. New Zion. Is that the correct? Nope. You guys don't know. Okay. But they took a two-year dork detour. That's quite a detour. They went to St. Louis where Joe worked as a fireman on a Mississippi River boat. Okay. So as you do. So that means that he is no

questions. He's just fighting fires on a boat. Boy, it's gonna take us a while to get there. If only there was a more efficient way of travel. That's it. Boats. Boats. Plus the water. The water's right there. Your hoses? Yeah. Speech-tee, speech-tee, speech-tee. Is that the noise it makes? That is. If you've read the book on cartoon action sounds, you, my friend. It's fair. Yeah. So after that they went to Pittsburgh where Joe first began to preach. Okay. So he's getting in the biz. He served as a branch president for a local Mormon congregation. Okay. But not for long. The congregation did not like his teachings and he was fired. So, okay. Go

ahead. You're teaching. Well, I'm just trying to think of like, your teachings have to be really crazy if they're like, you're too crazy for us. So sorry, pal. But you gotta, and we're saying this, you gotta reign it in. I mean, holy shit. And I do mean holy. What is he doing? We don't know. There's no record of it. We just know that he got, he got shit cans. Jesus is a dog. Talk to you. What do you need? Uh-huh. You don't like that. Okay. All right. I just, I was riffing. I'm trying out new stuff. Trying to work on a new hour of preaching because I just laid down the other hour. So. He's definitely working on new stuff. Joe then moved his wife and

new child. They just had a baby. Okay. They were making love. They were making love. They had a kid. Muzzle, muzzle. They moved to Utah. Finally. Now, Joseph discovered something about the Mormon religion he did not know up until now. It's good that he's preaching. That was that, uh, that was that polygamy, uh, was practiced. Oh, boy. Boy, when you find that out, you're like, wait, what? No, I have the one. I just thought that. I don't. Anybody who's married is like, I'm, how could you do more? I've seen sister wives. It's possible. You just got to get a compound. I watch big love and look, it was, that's a lot of stress. Very complicated. Yeah. I

mean, there's like, yeah, how do you handle three mortgages? More. Could just. So, uh, so basically the in Utah at this time, it's out, right? Polygamy. It's totally fine. But in the rest of the world, they don't know what's happening yet, right? So, so when they come and convert you in England, they're not like, you can have a bunch of fucking wire. It's like, you get there and you're like, wait, what a minute? What? What are we doing? You probably up your numbers. If you were like, Oh, also you get as many women as you want. You'd be like, Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be walking by you. What's going on? You, you said something.

You said a bunch of crazy shit about gold plates. And then you said, wives. I just want to hear you out friend. That's all I'm asking for is to hear you out. I just, uh, excuse me. Is there a cap? I mean, is there like, can we do nine? Is that crazy to go? I mean, you know, is it, is it crazy to do 20? I don't know. I'm just, I think we're spitballing here and it's what is God's plan is my question. You know, I'll be, I can do three. I can start with three, but, uh, I know me. And, uh, once I get something I like, I really like to get the numbers up, you know what I mean? And I just, uh, if I'm in, I'm in. I signed up for a winner. Holy fuck.

It's like you run an apartment and someone's like, here's the pool table in game room. You're like, what the fuck? I thought that it was just a regular space. Oh no, there's a whole pool. Here's the blowjob room. I'm sorry. What? So he was shocked. Uh, he had no idea this was part of his religion and he did not care for it. Okay, interesting. Uh, and then in Salt Lake City, things went south fast. A bishop convinced Mary to leave him. Oh wow. Oh, did not see that coming. That's not usually what a bishop does. No. Seriously, this guy is a douche bag. I'm into it. Fan of that bishop. She took their child and all of their possessions and off she went. Wow. But Joe

wasn't without a wife for long. He married Elizabeth Mills in 1855. So how long is that after? It was like, like less than a year. Sure. Sure. Well, you know, you know, yeah, she left him six months later. Right. Well, when you know, you know, doubt it. I've always said that that is, uh, so he's got to be pretty cool. Yeah. Six months, six months in a Mormon marriage. I understand God's going to be livid. He's an asshole. I'm out of here. Let him judge me. I don't care. I'd rather live in hell than spend another night with this man. So Joe moved to pro provo in, uh, 1857. Okay. Provo, Provoians. Provo loaners. I love, I've never been there, but I love it. Uh, he married again this time to a woman named

Elizabeth Jones. Okay. This was when, uh, a religious fervor, which was known as the reformation was exploding across Utah reformation. Do you know what that is? Of course, Dave, you insult me, sir, but why don't you tell everyone else who doesn't know what it is? I think that'd be fair. It was under the direction of Brigham Young who sent church leaders across because he's who's leading the church now, right? Yeah, he's like, yeah, he's the new guy. You didn't know that. I did know that who said, he said church leaders across to Utah to preach with the goal of inspiring everyone to reject sin and turn towards their spirituality. And also there was, uh, uh, you know, you kill people. Uh, what? Mormonism

is kind of sounding all right. So Joe, Joe was totally on board with that. He loved the idea of killing the, the reformation. Okay. But part of that is that you could kill people. No, you couldn't. Some, there was, there was, some people got killed. Okay. If that sounds like it wasn't, it wasn't like a direct like Brigham Young gave a speech and then I was like, let's go kill that black guy. That happened. Sorry. So, uh, yeah, no, you didn't know that that happened. He was like, they're that guy, black people. And then they're like, let's go kill that one. That happened. You guys okay? So that's that's the loophole. It's a loophole. That is a little legal loophole. Uh, well, the

guy was sleeping with a white lady. So we were doing that all over America at that point. So it's not like it was just you. Yeah. Utah. It was, that was pretty much the green light everywhere. We had a good run where we made a lot of wise decisions. Yeah. It's totally stopped. Yeah. No, sure. It's a good thing we ironed that out. The best thing to do is never talk about it again and then it'll work out. You know, you guys in Utah did not, did you guys vote for Trump? Was Trump the pick here? You didn't, right? You were the only state that didn't, right? The Republican, you guys will figure out next election and give him what he needs votes. Okay. This guy, I recommend I, I'm really, he's really doing

some good stuff. So, uh, Joe was re-baptized like a lot of, a lot of people were then. Well, that's fun though. That's all. That's just the swim with your pals about God. Yeah. Fucking double dunk. Yeah. You're like, you know how much I love you? I'm in a double dunk. Yeah. The double dunk. Yeah. Sorry, we need to do it again. That canceled each other out. And another dunk. Washer dryer, washer dryer, washer dryer. He was given the role of special teacher. Uh, not. So, it's just a little ambiguous. This is kind of a Mormon cop advisor guy who strong armed people into obedience. Oh, what a special teacher he is. Nuggets for Jesus. So the idea is that if people aren't sold on the pitch,

then you beat them up and then they're in. Well, you're a pressure. I'm here because that you don't have to beat them up, but you like get them against the wall. I'm going, what the fuck are you doing? I think, I don't know. That's just my version of it. Yeah. Okay. That's good. That's a great way to get people in. Oh no. Now I see the clarity that you're talking of. You see balanced. He also preached against the sins that he saw infecting Zion. Something Joe would often preach against was polygamy. He considered it adultery and he had no problem shouting about its evil, which did not make the church leadership happy. But okay, but there's also this sect of Mormons that have no idea about this. Well, those

are people that aren't in Utah. How do you not like get like, how do you not have a unified idea? I mean, there's different places. There's different things going on. It's just Utah's a little more liberal at that time. Good old liberal Utah. Bleeds blue. Bluetah. So, so he's talking shit about polygamy and then he was fired from his special teacher assignment. The local Brovo Bishop and all the award members started treating Joe like a leper and then his wife left him. Geez. This dude is. That's three wives in like fucking. It's like he's on the bachelor. He's just like banging them out. So then Joseph got super into prayer. Okay. Yeah. Pray your way out of it. And this led to a revelation. Oh boy. God had a special

plan. No, he does not. And he did. No, he did not. He doesn't. And he didn't. And he won't. Trust. He doesn't. He's not. No, he doesn't. Trust me. I don't. Special plan. Oh, I'm glad I started praying God. I realized my phone's been off the hook. How else is God going to talk to you if you're not, if you're not talking to him? Yeah, no, Lord knows that God's made communications strange with him. Yep. He Joseph Morris was chosen quote from before the foundation of the world to be a mighty man. Yay to be a prophet of Israel. So that's big news. That's breaking. That's breaking news. That's that shit you see on the ticker on CNN. Well, it's beyond ticker. I think it's it's lower third. It's breaking news. Yeah, go on graphic. Yeah,

own graphic on graphic. Yep. Joseph decided the guy who should hear about his new importance was Brickham Young, the president of the LDS church. There's got to be something so strange about when like Joseph Smith says all this stuff about God and like they have like to some level they know that there's like a lot of invention with it. So then when a guy comes to you and he's like also talk to God, you're like I don't well, he obviously talked to Joseph Smith about the plates. Yeah, but he isn't talking to people as much anymore. I'm curious what he said to you. What did he did he have a gruff voice? You might have been pranked because there's some kid who does a great God. He is just he's popping in weird thoughts left and right. He is just this

he's a scamp is what he is. It's just a rascal who knows no law. Any who's will be. So Joseph wrote a letter detailing how he and Brickham Young should be co presidents of the church. Well, surely bring them to that well. Oh, you mean split my ultimate power. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's another guy talking to God. Bring him in. So we should do a conference call with him and kind of iron all this out. He. So the idea was that Brickham would handle all the administration stuff and Joe would handle all the preaching and talking to God and set the rules. He's like saying he's making you stay in the office. I'll do the day to day stuff. Yeah, you'll be like a secretary. Yeah, you crunch the God numbers. That's your deal. Strangely, Brickham Young did not

respond to this proposition. Strange. Nor did he respond to all the other letters that Joseph sent. Good. With no response, Joseph decided to hit the road preaching his new gospel. And in 1859, he received his second revelation. Yeah. God made Joe the sole leader of Mormons. Oh, boy. Yeah, we've got a biggy Tupac situation and Mormonism right now. We've got a whole ... Uh-oh. Well, so what, I'm curious what God's angle is at all. God was like, you are receiving an upgrade. Oh, thank you, Lord. I should run everything? Yeah. You said yeah, right? Because it sounded a little. Yeah. Okay. That was more clear. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Are you the kid who does the God impression? Because you're laughing a lot. Mom, shut up. Okay. I got to go. No,

what do you mean? Your voice has changed. Your mom's there? I got to go. Oh my God. I have aired horribly. Since Brickham Young was obviously not down with a co-profit situation, God told Joe to find a new Zion. So he headed out on the road and he came to Slaterville in 1860. Nice. Where are my Slatervillians? Slatervillians. All right. Not Ogden, sir. Come on. Slatervillians. It's not what we're talking about right now. We're not just shouting out cities. No. We can all do that. We're being specific. It's not Ogden. It's near Ogden, but come on, people. Albany, New York. Joe's preaching now was just about how he was the true prophet of the Mormon church. The good people of Slaterville heard the message and some got on board. Now, he needed a job,

so he's hired as a farm laborer by a farmer and he asked the farmer... It'd be weird if it wasn't a farmer who hired him. You're a farm laborer. I'm an accountant. How are you? You work over there? Don't tell him. Thank you. He asked the farmer, quote, do you know who I am? And the farmer responded, quote, yes, I know that you are a prophet of God for the Spirit has told me so. Wow. Well, this was quite a jolt for Joe. He was like, fuck yeah, shit's happening. And then the revelation... But he... I guess the thing that's so weird is, is he hearing this shit? Or is it totally fake? Well, you don't know. Like, he could be... I think there's a version where you're just like, you know, I mean, we all think shit. Like, you think stuff and you could easily think something and be like,

I think that was God. Nope. Or you could... No, I've had that many times. You remember last Thursday I came over and I told you I thought I was God. Yeah, but what did you hear? You acted real weird and did not listen to what God told you to do. Very negative from the get. But I feel like... So then when that guy is saying it, you're like, you're also full of shit? Like, you're just having a full of shit like, oh good, he talked to you too. I was hoping he'd reach out. It's really on the horn these days, that Lord of ours, isn't he? Well, I made a lot of people hear God. Like, I only talked to my wife through God now. I won't address her in person. Right. Did God tell you to clean the bathroom? Because we had a conversation last night.

He actually wants you to retile the whole thing. I don't know. He says he doesn't like the grout, I guess. Sorry, his words again. All right, I'm going to be in the bedroom watching porn. Thanks to God! That's what he requested of me. Look, I want a tile. He wants me to watch Pornhub in the master. So after he heard this from the farmer, the revelations just started pouring in. Joe would get 15 more from God before the end of the year. The revelations are all about the corruption of the... Is it only happen when you pray or are you like in the middle of a conversation? I have to take this. Sorry. Yes, Lord. I think it's mostly when he's praying, but I also think he just gets hit sometimes. Yeah, sure. He'll be like eating a burger at McDonald's and be like, whoa! Look at

me, Spam! So a lot of the revelations he got were about how corrupt the church was. Also, God said the whole Mormon church was in a state of apostasy. Okay. You know what that is? Yeah, yeah. That's when you apply... You tell the people, I don't want to break it down. Especially apostle. No, it's basically you're losing your belief. You're no longer believing in the... Bullshit. Tough phase. And God said Brigham Young was not running the show, but it was actually a puppet of First Counselor George Smith. And Smith was a bad dude, God said. I don't like what I created in this one. Oopsie poopsie. He's a page one rewrite. He is... I do heard the term douchebag. I really don't know what I was thinking when I constructed him out of clay and organs.

God said Smith was behind some bad things like the famous Mountain Meadows Massacre in 1857, which a lot of you were probably worried I was going to do. It turns out George Smith was a fallen angel who had fallen with Lucifer. Yeah, they both dropped down together. Sure. So, right. So, God, okay, sure. The plot thickens. Yeah. And now using his satanic ways, George was quickly taking the church into destruction. Joe found many, Joseph found many followers in Slaterville. Some joined on in September because a comet passed by. That is such like a lucky thing if you're like preaching like I talked to God. He told me about that. He told me about that. I told you. You heard that. God told me he was

going to do that four days ago. He did. Yeah. Would there be a thing in the sky if I wasn't a prophet? Come on. No. Talk about validation, you fools. Hello. What does he have to do? Beat you over the head with it? I'm his friend. Because of the comet. So, the church started getting worried. It was bad enough to have some crazy guy running around telling lies, but another for people to start believing him and following him. We're worried this religion's getting a little crazy. Well, soon Joseph had 31 disciples. But that's solid. That's not bad. That's enough. That's enough to have an area where everyone is just like, what do you need this? Yeah. No, that's a cult. You got a cult right there. Like a solid fucking cult is where it's at. You don't need thousands.

You need 10. No, thousands. You need 30 people who are like, what did he say to you? And you're like, well, I got to start sleeping with your wives again. Oh, damn it. Really? Yeah. Well, Bob watches. He was very specific. I really, he's kinky. God said I should fuck your wife while I wink at you. Yeah. I don't know. Go figure. He's just playing. Anyway, make pancakes naked. God's words. I'll be upstairs. Thanks. So the local bishop then ex communicated all of his followers and forced them to leave town. Okay, so Joseph went back on the road this time with all of his followers. He kept picking up more and more as he went from town to town. And then in south Weber, he met Richard Cook, who was an LDS bishop. What happened? Weaver? What about put

an extra E in there? Ever thought about that? You want to pronounce it weird? Yeah. Thank you. Sorry. I was pronouncing it like the barbecue. And he was, what was he? He's a bishop. An LS, right. I'd rather an LSD bishop. Yeah, he's an LSD bishop. An LSD bishop I'm on board with. What? Okay. Someone got very excited about bishops and went question about it. Shut down. No, they're watching. Where my bishops at? All right. So he meets Richard Cook in south Weber and Weber and I don't want to be that guy. I know. And the bishop listened to him, Joe's preaching, and he was like, yeah, that seems pretty spot on. And your news stuff. And then the bishop started following Joseph. So he landed a whale.

That's a big pickup. That's a big, that's a free agent signing right there. That's right. That's right. Bishop on board. Yep. And you also got to be like, holy shit, I'm really good at both. Yeah, this is I'm not fucking bishops on board. My game is on. Yeah. So this gave his new religion a bit of respectability. Now people from around the area began to come to find out what this guy was all about. And his flock grew and grew. The Morissites, as they're called. Oh boy. We're now making the LDS leaders in Salt Lake City very worried. Right. So Brigham Young sent two of his, I mean, a Mormon civil war, a civil warman. This is dynamite. It's so great, though, because it's got to be so hard to start a religion. Yeah. Because the religion's brand new. And then some of the

guys like, I'm starting mine. Like, no, you're a fucker. Like, but you just started one orange is right. But you can't when you start a religion, it's hard to tell the people that can't start a religion. Yeah. Very confusing. Yeah. But also the idea that like, just someone else is doing what you did. And you're like, Oh, no, he figured it out. Oh, shit. So he sends two of his most trusted apostles down to South Weber to find out what was going on with the Morissites. All right. And on February 11, 1861, the Apostles had a community meeting in South Weber. One man stood up at the beginning and yelled that the Morissites should be, quote, cut off below the chin and laid behind the bushes. Cut off? Decapitate that? That's what he's saying. Cut their heads off. Come on,

God said to. He said, cut off below the chin. Cut off below the chin. He's very good with words. That is very, yeah, because you leave there like, Yeah, we're just going to cut their chins. Oh, is that what he meant? Oh, shit. Oh, I love that he wants to leave behind the bushes. Form a pile. One of the apostles told that guy that that was a bit much to end to sit down. You're right. I'm hot. I'm coming in hot. So they started hearing testimony from the Morissites. Ten men, including Bishop Cook, and seven women all said Joseph was a prophet and Brigham Young was not. Wow. Okay. When the testimony was over, the apostles excommunicated Joseph Cook and the other 16 people who dared to say he was not the prophet. Wow. At the end of the meeting, that's

a good meeting. Yeah. Solid. At the end of the meeting, one of the apostles predicted people would get tired of Joseph's bullshit and soon leave him. But the opposite happened. After the meeting, more people started following Joseph's new offshoot to Mormon Church. One of those was John Banks. Banks had been one of the few converts to Mormonism in England and a high priest, and then the president of the London Conference of the British Mission, whatever the fuck that is. It's certainly hoity-toity. I'll tell you that much. Banks was basically an incredible speaker, and he converted scores of people, like he was just a fucking converter. Right. He's the Mormon whisperer. Right. So Banks is kind of thinking he's hot shit, and he comes back to Utah, and what

he wanted to be was the presiding bishop of the church, and he went to meet with Brigham Young about getting that sweet-ass position. Uh-huh. Okay. But Brigham was like, look, you're really good at what you do. I want you to go on a mission to Ohio and get more converts, and then when you come back, we'll give you that fucking job. He's cussing a little much. Yeah. Brigham Young was a pottymouth, but when Banks returned two years later, he discovered that Young had just given someone else the job, and Brigham Young and John Banks began arguing, and pretty soon they were in a fistfight. Uh-oh. But Banks was much bigger, so he started choking Young. Okay. Classic religion. This is just how they all work. Yeah, it's fine. I know God better! So they were separated, and

then Banks was excommunicated for, quote, un-Christian-like conduct. Sure. Matches up a little. Banks then went to his home in Pleasant Grove and took up farming. Then he met Joseph, and the two men began talking a lot, and in 1860, Joseph appointed Banks bishop of the true faith, and Banks brought in tons of new followers with his speaking skills. Wow. Shit's fucking happening. Yeah, it's just like Twitter. Get the right RT, man. You get a bunch of new followers. He basically got a check, a blue check. You got certified. Verified. Who knows? Certified. Whatever. They're all words. Then... Thank you. Yeah. On April 6, 1861, 31 years to the day after Joseph Smith founded the Latter-day Saints Church... What? Long name

church. What? Latter-day Saints? The Church of Latter-day Saints. Yeah. Okay. It's... What? Church of Jesus Christ. I left out Jesus Christ. Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints. And Barry and the Church of the Jesus and Latter-day Saints and 12 Apostles and plates. Also fun underwear. It's like a magic carpet ride in your pants. Yep. That's that's when I'd probably be like, are you really talking to God? Yeah. He said wear these. They're magic and you need them. Okay. Don't be stupid. What are you wearing? Fruit of the loom? Dummy, you're going to go to hell. Go live with those grapes and that apple and purgatory, stupid. Put on these. You're going to like them. What are you, a medium?

So April 6th, 1861, 31 years after Joseph Smith founded the Mormon Church, to the day Joseph Morris officially founded his own church. Okay. Okay. Joseph was the prophet, seer and revelatory. Okay. So CEO, president, executive officer. His seconds were cook and banks and then there were 12 apostles. Okay. Because that's a formula. You keep it. It's fine. The guy that guy nailed it the first time. Yeah. And then and then he got nailed. Yeah. But too soon. I agree. It's a little, we don't want to let people cope with it first day before you break up. You know, we haven't, churches are the one who really like show you that graphically. You'll be like, Oh, this is a nice sweet God. Is he what my God? I can't look at

that right now. Really? I feel bad. Awkward. Yeah. Appreciate it. Thank you. So here's, here's the new religions deal. Christ was the God of this earth. Sure. The second coming was happening soon and after the Morissites would assume ownership of all the property of the Mormons. Well, the second coming also happened when polygamy started. Right. So and the third and the fourth and on the seventh day, I rested. I was pooped. I'll come down. You know, each wife is just for one thing. Like there's the vagina wife and the butthole wife and the mouth. I want you to meet my new wife, hands. She is really changing it up around here. Mouth, go cook. Good Lord. She's always yapping.

Okay. So after, after the second coming, the Morissites are going to get all the Mormons shit and then the Mormons would become servants of the Morissites. But that, but that's just the righteous Mormons. The Mormons who are not righteous would, would be killed. Wait. Yeah. So I assume that like, if the ones, I think he's talking about like, if you practice polygamy, you'll be killed. But if you're a Mormon who doesn't, then you'll just be my servant. Oh, okay. You just be my slave. Yeah. Plus there's, there's not that many Morissites. The number of wives, they're going to have a lot of slaves per guy. Yeah. That's like polygamy with your servants. I have these eight. Those are my wives. It is, boy, they're terrible at this age.

Terrible twos. Wow. Yeah, you know what you just did, right? It was an accident, but you did it. What did I do? You basically married a guy to a two-year-old. I'm into it. I mean, I like kids. Very progressive. Okay. So other parts of the new religion, no polygamy, no racial discrimination, and women could be priests. Okay. Well, all right. So, yeah. And college is free for everybody. Polition free institutions. That's very progressive though. Yeah. That's what, that's what people do when they try to split off with a new religion is they try to come up with ways that will attract

new people and they think about the things that people are upset about. Like, why can't they be women priests? Well, there can be. Join mine. Like, that's how it works. Then it's an offshoot, right? Yeah, but I would also think that, you know, if you're in the game of competitive bullshit, you could just also make up some great stuff. You know, you could just, I mean, I don't know what that stuff would be. I haven't had a moment to put it together. But, you know, like, you're just like, and you get to, you know, piss anywhere. And you can pee anywhere. And yeah, and when you pee, leprechauns become your friend. Okay, I'm in. They will form over three months. So, yeah, you just work for me for three months, piss wherever, and then you get a bunch of leprechauns.

How many? Here's your bed. You'll be sleeping here on this hay. Oh, and all personal property was done. Everything would be shared. I kind of like the sound of this a little bit. The more site religion exploded. When Joe started it on April 6th, they had 53 members. And in three months, it was 200. Okay. For numbers wise, that's fucking well enough. The religion was based in what was known as Kingston Fort. Sure. Yeah, I'm very familiar. It had been created in 1853 when Mormon leaders believed the U.S. Army would attack. And they told Tee the flock to quote, fort up. What are they, six? And we're going to throw acorns at them and pretend they're grenades. We're going to build a great fort. Get those couch pillows. That'll be helpful.

We'll lay the blanket on it like a door. Yeah, it's perfect. So the fort was a 10-acre square piece of land with log cabins built around the perimeter. It wasn't totally enclosed. So it's sort of... You can get through it. Not a fort. Right. It's not fortified, so... It sounds like a subdivision. Right. Yeah. They will never get us in this cul-de-sac of cabins unless they go there. That's our weak spot. That's our blind spot right there. The U.S. did send forces in 1857 and the fort was then quickly abandoned. Okay. It's a terrible fort. Let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I never liked it anyway. Some people did stay, but for the most part, they all left Fort Kingston. Okay. That's a shame. What a run.

So Morissites poured into Kingston fort and lived in temporary housing. Tents, wagon boxes, hang twos, really anything they could. Hang twos? Yeah, it's like when you hang a... You fucking put a thing up against this. You get it? Thank you. Wait, you put... You put... You fucking throw a thing, a slab on the side of a tree. So you put a slab and then you live under your slab? Yeah, it's like a half tent. Great. Yeah. Well, you know things are good when you're envious of a tent. Jeez. Honey, isn't this slab everything I told you'd be? Look at that, huh? We had a house. Yeah, we did, but now there's slabs on ours. Look at us. Slab owners. Finally. I want... I want to die. You're gonna. We're all gonna. We live under a goddamn slab. They quickly started

constructing permanent buildings. The new houses had an outer and inner wall of willow reeds. The reed walls had a space of about a foot between them, which was filled with dirt. What? So sorry. It's a fucking... It's an Adobe bitch. I'm into it, but I'm also... First of all, very aggressive to say it's an Adobe bitch. It's really... So they have ground walls? Yeah, it's a dirt house. It's a great call. It's good. What else are you gonna do? I'll build a wall. Build four walls that seem to be working pretty well. But then you got to go get the wood and blah, blah, blah. Right. Yeah, no, I'm sure putting a lawn on the side of your house is easy. There we go. Let's water it. I'm gonna golf on it. Some homes had walls made of only one row

of woven willows, which were then plastered with mud on both sides. Okay. The roofs were made of wood and dirt. Jesus. Very dirt-oriented construction. And the floor... What we're gonna do is build a little dirt wall there. You're gonna love it. And the floors were dirt. Okay, so these aren't homes. These aren't just... It's just dirt castles? Yeah, they built dirt castles. So there's really everything's dirt, but two walls and sort of a ceiling. Yeah, you got kind of wood, but they put dirt on the ceiling, too, because you put wood and they put dirt... What? They're putting dirt on the ceiling. Oh, more dirt in the beans. Well, we'll start those again. Boy, there's a downside to living in dirt, huh? This is... It's dirty is what it is. Okay. Now, not everyone living there was a

moriscite. Some of them were just Mormons who had never left Kingston Fort. Well, that's fairly awkward. They were super poor and barely had clothing and provisions, so they were kind of ripe for joining the religion. Yeah. You guys want to live in a dirt home? So a lot of them did, but some didn't. Many ended up converting, but those who didn't were still made to give up their possessions. If you stayed, you had to give up your possessions. No one in the area could keep your possessions. Everything's shared. Communism at the time... Communism. A lot of the people that were in such bad shape, they were okay with the insurers and they're like, oh, there's people coming. At this point, the number of moriscites was around 1000. Geez, all right. Shit's fucking

happening. It's happening. It's blowing up. It's like planking. No. Now, problems started between the moriscites and some more aggressive Mormons living nearby almost immediately. Okay. A bunch of horses were stolen from the fort. Okay. I like how someone gasped. Yes. Almost like, oh, no, no. The horses were stolen. Now something terrible has happened. It's a who done it. Uh, so a scout found them in possession of Mormons a couple miles away. Okay. The moriscites then discussed what to do and many wanted to form a posse and go get the horses back by force. Okay. But Joseph stopped them. He was worried it would bring a Mormon army to attack them. Right. Okay. That's smart. It's smart to think about that before you get into war. Yep.

A few days later, the horse thieves rode into the fort on the stolen horses. Oh, now that's just messed up. How you doing? We love them. This one rides really well. Oh, yeah. He says he never had anyone as back like this before. He loves it. Listen to him purr. Did you know a horse could purr? How are you guys? Where are your horses? Oh, right. Under me. And then they pulled out their guns and started waving around and tried to get the moriscites to fight. I mean, they're just dicks. Yeah, these guys are dicks. Hey, we got guns too. That's your horse, bitch. But the moriscites did not take the bait.

They remained silent and just stared at the Mormons. Good. That's pretty cool. Well, that says, I mean, that, that, you know, that's a good, that's a good way to handle it. Yeah. No, no, no, we'll just stare at them. They'll feel guilty. That's like when you're in a movie theater and someone talks and you think turning around is going to do anything. Oh, no, I've done that. I turn around and I just keep turned around. Well, Dave, I'm going to go ahead and guess that your turn around is different from most turn arounds. Most of us turn around and we're like, come on, guys, Dave turns around. He's like, I've killed and I'll kill again. Now, do you want to shut up while I watch Get Out or how do you want to handle this?

Holy shit, Get Out is so great. It's about, it's about Utah. So the Mora sites then placed a guard with their horses 24 seven and guards are placed around the camp every night. A couple of times they actually caught some wrestlers, people wrestlers wrestlers wrestlers. They caught a crazy George Hulk Hogan. Oh yeah, we're going to come and get your horses. We're coming in brother. Here, tag in. You do talk some shit. And the referee has his back turned and they've stolen the horses. How could the ref not see this one? The Mormon harassment continued. Sometimes they would come into Mora site meetings just holding guns and knives and sit there quietly.

Well, you don't need to say anything. No, you're sitting there quietly is the move. Yeah. If you have a gun and you sit there quietly, everyone's like, what the fuck? A gun and a knife and you're like, do you guys have anything you want to say to me? No, I'm just here to listen to your little speeches. We're just a little uncomfortable with it. Okay. They would also ride into Kingston fort and tell the Mora sites they were going to disrupt their food supply and watch them starve to death or survive on quote, boiled wheat. Oh, yum. The put downs back then. Yeah, you'll be eating boiled wheat, my boy.

Fuck you. On their horse. On. I assume that's like wheat soup. I don't know. I think that's what they mean. Like you're so fucked up, you're going to be making porridge. Fuck. Is it porridge? Is that what poor? Porridge? Isn't porridge oats? No, porridge is, you don't know, you just said it. So wait, you don't fucking know their threat is you're going to get porridge. That's fine. In the right, if you take that anger and make it sweetness, you're like, thank you, right? Oh, you're going to live on porridge. You're going to love it. I like, I like slow cooked porridge. Well, then you'll have none of it. What do you not like? Name a dish you don't like because porridge is off the table.

You're not getting any of that, pal. I'm not, I'm not big on chili. Oh, wait. Do you actually like chili and you're just trying to get us to cook you chili? Yeah. Well, we're not going to do it. I also hate hamburgers and pizza. I feel like this guy knows our folks. And dick. I really hate dick in my mouth. Well, let me dismount for a moment and we can go to the adobe and talk porridge. Boil that hay a little bit. There were also occasional fist fights between morricites and Mormons. Why not? Yeah. In November 1861, six young Mormons kicked in the door of the adobe schoolhouse. The doorman. And started insulting and pushing around three

morricites who lived there. Okay. So the goal, the goal here is just to be so annoying that it stops. I think so. Just like slow intimidation. I don't know. They're just dicks. They're just dicks. They have nothing to do. And they've got a bunch of horses. Yep. So they pushed these three people around and one of them is a man. And then when they're leaving, they took the hat of the morricite man. Oh, snap. That is as insulting as it gets, right? That's right. How dare he. But when they walked out of the adobe, they found a large group of morricites waiting. Give him back his hat. Just stop being dicks to us. You've crossed the line. Give him his hat back. Look at his head. It's bare. Come on. He's going to get sunburned without his big hat.

A fight ensued. And the morricites got the hat back and kicked the Mormons out. Okay. Here's your hat, buddy. Sorry about that. Known as the battle of the hat. The hatel. But the battle of the hat was not over. That is actually what it was called? No, that's what I'm calling it. Oh, thank God. I was like, who is the labeler? You're cut. Okay. The sock war. A couple of weeks later, two of the Mormons swore a complaint against 12 of the morricites, including the guy whose hat that they had taken. It's just so childish. I mean, it's not childish, but it's like, what? It's just... No, it's childish. It's childish. What's happening? The county sheriff then issued a warrant for the morricites. Okay. But they were only able to arrest one. And he was tried and convicted of

assault and given 40 days hard labor and fined $50. Okay. The verdict helped convince people in Utah that the morricites were a group of religious fanatics who did not believe in right or wrong. Okay. Is it Deseret? There you go. Yeah, when you get a boner in the Sahara. Yeah. What? No, I don't think so. Go ahead. Keep reading. Come on. Don't slow the show down. The Deseret Evening News gave them the name, quote, the Davis County bandits. I like that name. That's not bad. I take that. It's ECB. Yeah. And the verdict solidified the morricites' belief that they would not get any justice in the courts, just if found not to accept any more warrants, rits, or any legal orders from the infidels. After the judge... It's really slowly taking turns. This is... language is getting

strong. It's getting hot. Yeah. It's getting heated. So then there was a judgment against John Banks due to debt and a sheriff came to serve him papers. When the sheriff came, banks just told him to leave and he couldn't serve the papers. The sheriff returned and explained what happened. And Kingston, quote, I was unsuccessful. Wait. Did nobody walk him through how he should do it? They said no. So I don't know what I... He tried to hand it to him and he just let it drop in the dirt. And I didn't want it to stay on the dirt. I don't pick... By the way, when I say dirt, I mean it was on the wall because they live in filthy adobes. But outside issues were not justice only problem. There was dissension within the new religion. A few of the leaders,

including Banks and Cook, wanted to implement their own policies. Oh, boy. This is what happens with the new religion. People are like, I can hear God. The more they try to push their own agendas, the worst Joseph's horrible predictions of disaster would be if word... If his words were not followed. Fear. Yeah. Right. That's a fun one. Each time that Joseph would announce another prediction, the dissenting leaders would quiet down for a bit, but then they'd start up again later. It became a cycle. Now, John went for his fourth marriage. Sorry, Joseph. Joseph went for his fourth marriage. Okay, good. So he's against polygamy, but he's on four marriages. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, it would be... It's not God's plan. You separate them. They're like chapters

of a book. All at once, you greedy pigs. 12 over a lifetime. He's like Rush Limbaugh. Why? Because he won't hear anything. He married a Danish convert named Mary Olsen in August, 1861, but their marriage was not great from the beginning, and it was very obvious to everyone. Dude, he can't get divorced. He's like the Johnny Carson of Mormonism. Like he can't... If you're on this, you're like, look, I know I'm the worst. Please don't leave me. People think I'm the worst. So please. So one month after he gets married. Jesus. He's a Kardashian. One month. He issues a divine injunction. No, wait. Oh, yes. Quote, you wish to know my will concerning your companion. So now he's just... This is like a subtweet. He's talking to everybody,

but he's really talking to one lady. Okay. You wish to know my will concerning... It's like that Facebook post where you're like, look, if you have a problem, just unfriend me. Where you're like, just no. So specific to one. Why is this... People who post stuff about this, you're like, you just saw me post at you, bitch. How dare you? You wish to know my will concerning your companion. You are in trouble concerning her. What can I do with her if she will not stand by you and take your counsel? If she fights against you, she fights against me. If she refuses to harken to you and obey you, she has no part with me, for I shall cast her off. So just talk to me. He really is. Like, he's just airing the dirty lodge. Yeah. Yeah. And everyone knows, like...

He's like, do you want us to leave? How do you want us to handle this? You're talking about your wife, dude. It's clear. Very clear. And if she doesn't realize you're the best, no matter what you tell her, well, she's stupid. Because you are the best. Sure, you have problems. You snore. You get angry and hit the dirt walls. You got problems. But you're not a conundrum. Okay. And blowjobs are not wrong. Okay. Then apostasy began to rise among the Morisites. People started losing faith. The biggest reason for this was because Joseph kept announcing dates of the second coming only to have that date come and go with no second coming. That's the problem. That's why you got to do what the Mayans did.

Just pick the craziest faraway date. Push that shit. And then you're like, you're just people like, it was bullshit. You're like, we've been dead for thousands of years, pal. We don't care. You got to pick up the check. So what do you say? What do you say when your predictions keep falling through? Oh, he meant Thursday. Okay. As much as he is all knowing, all being, all seeing, he cannot get his dates right. He is just the very I'm sorry. He uses a wall calendar. It turns out it turns out it turns out gods from Australia and he reverses the they do it the opposite way. Time flushes differently in heaven. Yeah. The month is second that he's very, he needs an assistant. Yeah.

So every time the second coming day would come and pass, then he'd make a new date up. And then that would come. He got caught in traffic again, guys. He wants to be here. So, so people started losing faith and they would, they would start taking their stuff and leaving. Okay. Because so many dates had come and gone, the lack of belief in Joseph increased. And this led to the problem of people's possessions. They had all given them up when they joined, but when they wanted to leave, they wanted their shit back. So when people would leave, they would take the best quality stock, much better than they came in with. So you'd go over to the horses, you'd be like, no, that one's mine. For sure. That one, the fucking

Meanwhile, there's a horse. There's like, that's not my horse. It's talking to you. Now this one's secretariat. That one's mine. Wait a minute. This horse is worth a million dollars. It's talking. Oh my God, this horse is amazing. So people start taking the best horse. Yeah. So the people who were remained were stuck with worse and worse shit every time someone left. So the men who oversaw all the horses began to choose which animals would be taken. And this made those who were leaving angry. Okay. So three men, William Jones, John Jensen,

and Louis Gertzen left furious believing they had gotten screwed and they vowed to get revenge. Oh boy. A few days later, they hijacked a wagon of more site wheat. Okay. Which was going to be made into soup. Porridge soup. I think wheat soup. No, called by its God given name. So the more sites sent out a posse who found the wheat and then arrested the three men, and they brought them back to Kingston, Fort and imprisoned them in a cabin. Okay. Well, they were like, let's break through the dirt wall. That'll be easy. Kick through grass. All right. We're out. We're free. What a bunch of idiots. The men attempted to escape.

Okay. What do you mean? You just dig through dirt, right? I think you just kill Bill to it. You just walk right through it. Only Gertzen was successful. Jones and Jensen were recaptured. And then their wives, Jones and Jensen's wives, went to Utah authorities to ask for help. Okay. On May 24th, 1862, a U.S. Marshal got a writ of habeas corpus. You know what that means? Yep. It means they have to show why they're holding it and let him go and yeah. I'm not an idiot. It's good to learn. At the Kingston Fort, the Marshal was allowed to read the writ. Then he was told to leave. When the Marshal tried to hand the writ over, the morricides just let it fall to the ground. That is just,

just realized that if you don't touch it, you're fine. It's like paper tag. It's like, no, I won't. Please? No. I dropped this. Will you grab it? No. There's a, we've published this clearinghouse. There's a bunch of money in there. I'm not an idiot. My back won't hurt. Can you at least pick it up so I can take it back? No. That's a, it's an envelope from God. I'm not grabbing it. No, it's not. God talks to me. It's not from God. Joseph then decided to form an army. Good. He got about 150 men who are all very poorly armed. Good. That's what you want in an army, is an unprepared army. An on the fly army or the, that's the best army. Yep. Random army. Yeah. Form it like an improv group. All right. Let's go guys. We're good. Grab your spades. We'll

do this. Bring some eggs. We'll throw it at him. I don't know. We're making it up. Let's have some fun. We're an army. He ordered his flock to seal the holes in the crumbling walls of the abandoned fort. Okay. First thing we got to do is make this fort not terrible. So put more dirt in there. More dirt. Let's lose those wood walls. More dirt. Three weeks later, another rit was delivered with the same reaction. So Chief Justice Kinney asked the territorial governor to activate the militia to quote, arrest the offenders. Okay. The territorial marshal wanted no part of an armed armed confrontation with the morricites. So rather than lead the militia, he quit and left Utah. Good. Smart. Smartest guy in the whole story. Yeah. No. You want me to do something? No. I'm

gonna go. No. Good to meet you guys. But yeah, this was fun. This was fun. If we could just get him to grab that envelope once. I tried everything dropping it saying it was from God. There was a whole list earlier. I just... So Deputy Marshal Burton then led the group. Burton was a military man who spent his first three years in Utah fighting in campaigns against Native Americans and was known as being very aggressive in battle. Good. Mad dog. On June 12th, an armed militia of 500 men left Salt Lake City to free the two men being held at Kingston Fort. Decent army. Yeah. As the militia headed to the morricites, volunteers from towns, they passed joined up. So they're literally like living that shot where they're just walking on the street

and neighbors are coming out of their home. No, it's Rocky. Oh, yeah. All the kids are running behind them. Except they're gonna kill. Everyone wanted a piece of the morricites. Okay. By the time they arrived at Kingston Fort on June 13th, the size of a militia had doubled to a thousand. Burton deployed his men on high ground overlooking the fort to the south and sent others around on all sides. So Kingston Fort was surrounded. Okay. He thought the sight of all the armed men would lead Joseph Morris to give up. Nope. He talked to God. Yeah. But Joseph always knew that wouldn't happen. He'd been expecting it because God had sent him revelations detailing the Holy War that would bring morricite, Mormonism to dominance and set the ungodly world on a righteous

path. Yeah. He just got the date wrong. Right. Nine to ten times. Wrong Thursday. My bad. Boy, I really screwed you guys here. I swear. I have to get the Google Calendar. I just... He's using a wall calendar. He is. It's very effective unless you're gone. No, it's not. It's not a wall calendar. Unless you're gone. So that's where you take a picture. Don't get a wall calendar. You can address it. Eventually when you got home, you have all that stuff in your phone and you go, oh, I'll put this back on the wall calendar. Why would you put it if you have it in your phone? Why would you put it in a wall calendar? It's because you like that it's in front of you. You don't have to look in your stupid phone. So you just see it there. It's

there. You know your shit. And then you accident... No, shut up. Then you accidentally are using a wall calendar and a phone calendar and you'd miss everything. Because you look at the wall, you go, oh, it's fine. Thank you, sister. Come live with me in an adobe. But you don't... We got grass walls covered in calendars, sister. But you don't look at the wall calendar. You get up and you walk across the room to the fucking wall calendar. You can just take out your phone and look at your phone. Oh, here we go again. This is the wall calendar fight all over again. Literally. So Burton sent a man to demand that Joseph surrender within 30 minutes.

Who is picked for that job? You're like, no. Hi. No. My name is Larry. Hey, Larry. I have an order. Yeah. 30 and out. Sorry. Yep. Bye. What did you say? I said 30 and out. I gotta go. 30 and out? Yep. 30 minutes. Bye. Fuck you, Larry. Fuck you. Larry came alive. After hearing the demand, Joseph went into his cabin and asked God what he should do. Dear Lord, please, are you busy right now? Why are you looking up? He, God's in the corner. Hey, God, how are you? Didn't see you standing there. Tiny sucker. I need you now, pal. I got it. I mean, we are rigs and myrtah and I need my rigs. Okay.

So he did get a message and he came out with his new revelation. Thank God it didn't go to voicemail. Good stuff. He told his apostles, quote, the enemy shall go so far and then I will stop them. They have almost gone far enough. I will stop them at the right time. So he's saying no surrender. They're fucked. Clearly. They're fucked. Look at them. Wait, he's saying no surrender. Yeah. And then at the right time. They're fucked. Yeah, those guys. Those guys. Okay. I thought he was like no surrender. We're fucked. Okay. Let's get them in. Get all the hands in, guys. What are we doing? All right. Let's do this. So then the whole congregation was called to hear the revelation. A bugle was sounded.

Of course. You have an important message from the Lord. That's right. And the Morissites headed to the meeting area. And then the revelation was read. And Richard Cook stood up and started to explain the importance of this revelation. Sure. But he didn't get very far. Because the sound of a cannon being fired came from the hill. Did God give you a heads up on the cannon as the question? No? Where was that, Lord? No offense. Sorry. I forget you're right there. Good Lord. Could you write a date on the calendar for me? I am just... I can't get into it. That was followed by a cannonball flying into the meeting. Well, that is, you know, you expect that follow. Yeah. I mean, if you hear a cannon fired, scramble. Your move is to scramble. You

don't go, are you a cannon? Hold on, everybody. You guys hear that too? Could have sworn I heard a cannon. Or was it a dog? But it's a cannon! Cannonball! It's a cannon! It killed two women and obliterated the jaw of a third. I hope that wasn't mouth. All right. Mouth your hands. Hands your mouth. We're doing the old switcheroo. Hands is dead. Good Lord. My marriages took a hit today. It's fine, everybody. That's my butthole wife. Ah! Ah! She's saying she's okay. A jaw. A jaw. Like two people dead. It must have, it must have like gone, it must have like gone through the two ladies and then been slowed down.

Because a cannonball slowed down when it goes to a couple people. And then like hit the other lady like a bowling ball, like a clink. And in her jaw. Yeah, knocked her jaw. Yeah, Sally took a cannonball to the jaw. It's not looking good. Because of the cannonball in her mouth. It really she's when she breathes out, it sounds like a siren. And boy, you don't notice how much someone breathes out until they make that noise. Then you realize breathing is mostly exhaling. She'll tell you that. So will butthole. She'll say the same. All right. All right. Give her some boiled wheat. Wheat soup. Whatever the hell it's called. Just pour it in there. That's why it's called porridge. Just layer on her back and pour it down there. Like it's a goddamn pit divot

we're filling, okay? Treat it like a pothole. Back the truck up and let the concrete roll in. There we go. Hold her nose. She'll swallow. Sorry, I'm apologizing. Okay. So that is just the worst. A jaw hit, a jaw hit of a cannonball. You don't hear that very often. Oh, God. Oh, my God. How bad did I get here? You'll be fine. Like fine. I want to see other wives. Have I brought that up? I love you too, sugar. Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed. Quit breathing. So a cook yelled at everyone to go to their homes and use any means possible to defend themselves. Does anyone need to tell you that? I guess so. What's the

plan hanging out here? Not now, honey. Not now. But the Mora sites only had a few rifles and shotguns. They waited in their cabins clutching whatever weapons they had. And they stayed there all day as occasional cannon fire rang out. And then it started to rain. There were now really hoping the second coming was today. It's got to be it, right? This got to be it? Is it? He's got to be coming. Now our walls are melting. It seems like it's the bright plan. Not now, honey. Not now. We'll figure it out. But of course it wasn't. And another rainy day went by. So they're in day two. It's a standoff. So their plan is to just stay? Well, they can't go. I mean, what are they going to do? They could, yeah, you're right. They could surrender. But

yeah, I'd be like, Hey, sorry about that. Right. We should have a bunch of wives. But God told them not to. Yeah, but he's everyone's talking to God. No, he's like a Gossiper. I mean, he's pretty chatty. Yeah, God's talking to everybody. He's seeing multiple. Go ahead. Even, even with the rain, people from nearby Ogden came and watched. They were spectators. So now it's not people like peanuts popcorn, get your peanuts popcorn. All the while Burton fired his cannon at the fort. The few morricites who were manning the walls, there's a few of them up on the wall of rifles did manage to shoot and actually kill two of the militia. Okay. The third day the sun came out, it was much quieter because

Burton had fired all his cannonballs. We got trigger happy guys. Sorry about that. I just hit her in the jaw and I was like, I got I'm hot. I'm hot right now. I'm on fire. I'm shooting. I'm draining them. The basket's a huge but it's a pool right now. Okay, so then, so then. This is the best thing ever. No, that means then came the sound of rifles being fired and shouting and shouting. Yep. Okay. Okay. The militia sent a group of soldiers. Six riflemen were on a wagon chassis. Okay, so it's just the like it's like they took the top of the wagon off and it's just like the base part with four wheels, right? What's the advantage to that in this situation? Hold on, motherfucker.

I mean, I hate it when people lose the chassis. It was covered with boards and bushes. Oh, shit. What? One of our cabins is coming towards us. One of the God brought a cabin to life and it's coming to save us. I just talked to him. I told you. On top, there were six riflemen on top of the. So they're on the boards in the bushes. They're on the wagon bushes. Yeah, wagon bush. And they were being pushed by other soldiers. Okay, so so this was apparently so dead, so terrifying that the more sides raise the white flag of surrender. So they didn't know karate, but they knew crazy. They were like, look, look, we took out two of the women and hit another one of the jaw.

I say, let's just build a garden wagon and roll it at them and see what happens. Sweet God, look at that cabin. Boy, you thought cannonballs were bad. Imagine if that cabin lands here. We were amongst all these cabins. We're done. We're done. No more mercy, uncle. So Burton rode in with some of his posse and they entered Kingston Fort. He was apparently very excited and said, quote, where is the man? I don't know him. Someone pointed out Joseph and Burton rode over on his horse and told Joseph to surrender and be taken into custody in the name of the Lord. God jailed. According to Alexander Dowell, a morricite, this is what occurred. Joseph said, no, never, never.

Joseph said he wanted to speak to his flock and Burton said, be damned quick about it. Joseph then began, quote, brethren, I've taught you two principles and that's all they got out because Burton whipped out his revolver and shot Joseph in the neck. That's just that's just that's just unfair. Just shoot, kill him instead of being like, yes, yes, yes. Tell them what you think. Friends said, ah, after Burton shot him, he said, quote, there's your prophet. And then he shot again and said, what do you think of your prophet now? I think, I think he's fucked. I think my

prophet is fucked. Clearly God does not have the back of this man. Burton then turned around and shot banks who was standing 10 feet away. He was like, no, I should have rolled. A woman ran at Burton and he shot her. Okay. Another woman ran to help Joseph and he shot her. Jesus. They surrendered. Well, should have just chilled in the adobe. The screaming congregation ran for cover. Burton brought the cannon down. Oh my God. And this made everyone come out and officially give up what they did. Didn't they? What didn't they give up? Well, when all the shit happened, then they just didn't say final answer. And he was like, is it your final? Okay. Now we're locked in. Sorry. I had to kill six of your friends. I didn't know we were locked

in. Okay. So 90 men were taken into custody and marched back to Salt Lake City. The next day, Banks and Joe, uh, Joseph's bodies were brought back as well and they were displayed in Salt Lake City for public viewing and then quietly buried. Come on down and look at the bodies. Well, this is wonderful. Do you guys want to have a picnic and look at dead guys? Isn't God's plan bizarre? In Salt Lake, the next spring, seven of the Morisites were convicted of second degree murder for killing the two militiamen. Wow. They received between five and 15 years. 66 were tried for resisting arrest and fined $100 each. But Governor Harding pardoned them all three days later. Harding and the Mormon community did not like each other. Okay. Burton was indicted for the

murder of one of the women in 1870 based on the statement of Alexander Dow. But due to technicalities, the trial didn't happen until 1879, 17 years after the shootings. Why? It's a little bit of a delay. What is going on? You know, there's technicalities. I couldn't get the dates right. Sorry. Sorry. We were using a, we were using a wall calendar this Thursday because I thought, again, I'm using a grass wall calendar and... The jury was equal Mormons and non-Mormons. Burton testified and his version was very different from Dow's. He said when he allowed Joseph to speak, Joseph told the flock to arm up and they all ran to get their guns, which at that point were in a stack and then Burton shot at Joe twice. Quote, I did not see any women when I fired at

Morris and only shot at him. No woman addressed me, nor did I see one. Every shot I fired was aimed at Mr. Morris. The prosecution calls to the stand mouth. Now mouth, I understand you saw everything that happened. Thank you. Now mouth, let me ask you, what was going through your head besides a cannonball when you first heard all the fire? Walk the jury of your peers through that, please. So you were scared as you should be. Let the record show she said she was terrified. I believe. Not sure. It's kind of like a horn that's broken. So one thing that I think can be used against Burton's account is the fact that he shot a cannon for no reason for days. No, he ran out of cannonballs. Or did he? Because he ran out of

the cannon down. Yeah, but they didn't know it was a cannonball. Yeah, he was like, this thing's locked and loaded assholes. Don't make me jaw a few others. He said the original cannon firing was a warning shot that just directly hit the meeting place. To be fair, it is still a warning. Yeah, just super warning. Yeah, big warning. Like it's happening. Soon. Now, actually, if I'm being honest. Anyway, he was found not guilty. Of course, of course. And yet the more sites were not done. Many people still believed Joseph was a true prophet. Sex split off and continued to worship him. The incredible vision of you said sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. He knows how to do it. The incredible vision of Joseph Morris led to the more sites scattering across the West

United States. Many of the members of the church began to regather at Dear Lodge County, Montana, under the leadership of George Williams, who declared himself to be the prophet Canaan. Did I say that right, Canaan? Sure, I like that. That's my guy. His last name, Abel. And so George Williams says he was Morris's rightful successor. Okay. And now it's called the church of the firstborn. Sure. Yeah, great. And they taught that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that Smith's rightful successor after his death was James Strang. Of course. Because yes. And that Strang was succeeded by Joseph Morris. The church of the firstborn believed in reincarnation, which was called baby resurrection. Dude, baby resurrection is what it should be

called first, and then you change it. You don't go, well, let's just break it down to what it actually is. You're a new baby. Baby 2.0. Fresh baby. That's what you are. Double new baby. Brand new baby. We're like a Pixar movie. So Morris and Williams taught that reincarnation was taught by Joseph Smith and each of the successive leaders of the church were believed to be the reincarnation of a significant prophet of old. Joseph Smith was the reincarnation of the apostle Paul. Joseph Morris was the reincarnation of Moses. And George Williams was the reincarnation of Canaan, whoever the fuck that is. I don't know who that is. I should. What? That's Superman's original name. Is that who that is? Oh,

fuck yeah, right. That's his dad. That's his dad. That's his dad. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Krypton. Okay, next topic to knock down. Morris prophesized that Jesus would be reincarnated and born to an Arab in Jerusalem in 1909. Did not happen. Weird. In January 1879, Williams prophesized that Dear Lodge County would be the site of the second coming of Christ. They just kind of copped Buddhism. Well, Buddhist aren't like, Jesus is coming back. No, but they're like, you're going to be a fraud. No, but the new Dalai Lama, they're like, we found him. We're taking your baby. That's true. The Dalai Lama things. The Dalai Lama. They're like, we found him. He's on a mountain. His parents are being dicks, but let's take him. He's got to go

to school. He's two. So Williams, while stationed in Montana, mostly lived in Salt Lake City, Utah, England. He recorded many of the revelations that he received from God. He had a God journal. Yeah. Dear revelatory diary. Well, God was really crazy today. LOL. I swear, sometimes I think his head is in the clouds. Oh, wait, he's God. All the eyes have the heart dot above it. I just love him. Joe and Jesus sitting in a, well, I don't want to get weird, but we'll get along. Williams died in 1882. Okay. And the church divided into a number of shisms. Shisms? Yeah. Shisms when the church splits. You know what? Shism. Yes. Schism. Yes. Schism. Yes. Schism. Shisms. If you have nine wives, it's jisms. Shisms. Schisms. Schisms. Like

schizophrenia. Schisms. Schisms. Schisms. I would have put a, you shut up. Okay. I would have, I would have put a, personally, I would have put a K in there if I was going to go with, Well, don't you to Canada, anyone's jaw, Dave. Just saying. Each, so each different one was led by a guy who claimed to be Williams' rightful successor. The largest group was based in Montana and led by John Eardley, who renamed the church, the church of Jesus Christ of saints of the most high. How many commas are in that? And Holy day is 420. Come on, brothers. It just, it sounds like you're saying it for the first time when you're declaring it the name. It's the church of Jesus is here and he's with us every day. It's the name of it. No,

we've, we've test marketed and people really respond to that name, which I can't say back. Did you write it down? By the 1950s, most members of the church had died and it was officially disbanded in 1969. So it just, they waited it out. They just waited out everyone dying. And then it was eventually all the people died and everyone was like, all right, this is kind of crazy. That was weird. The last, the last surviving member, wait, wait. God talked to me too again. He said, stop leaving. Oh mouth. I don't know what I do without you. Oh, shut up or I'll give you something to whore about. Party mouth. Well, there we go. Jesus. Anyway, that's, that's the story of your leader, Joseph Morris.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to learn the truth. I just, you just, I just, I just, you can't like the idea that we fight over what God says to people. Like that's the number one thing we fight over is what like, no dummy, that's not what he said. I just talked to him and his name's not Jesus. Good Lord. It's Barry. It's Barry. Welcome to the church of Barry. Yeah. I mean, there's, you're just like, you're, it's splitting hypothetical liars. You're just like, no, no, no, no, no. You can't toboggan. That's what, no, God said none of that. Like it's just, but it's all bullshit. Yeah. It's like,

it's like a bunch of people pitching you on a meal you never get to eat. Oh no, no, we have great potatoes on our dish. You're going to love it once it gets here. Okay, order that. When's it coming? Well, out of wait. It'll come. It'll show up any day now. Your dinner's arriving. As long as you believe in it. You believe in it, right? All right. You're going to get great corn asparagus. You're going to love this meal we got picked up for you. Crackers? Sample of crackers? So, so you're not religious? Very religious. Yeah, Judy, I'm a Jew. I've been very clear. I'm a Jew. That one makes sense. It's just the others are bananas. Fuck are they talking about? Come on. Good Lord.

You're 13, you're a man. Duh. Bunch of friends come over. You get a DJ. It's religion. Got to grow your hair out on the sides, make your sideburns kind of curly cues like curly fries. I wonder if the guy who got upset about the Oregon one is here. Well, let's hopefully we don't hear a cannon. So, thank you guys. Thank you very much for coming out, everybody. Very appreciative. We will be over there. We will, we have some posters to sell. We'll sign stuff. We'll take pictures. We will not be touching anybody in any way. So, do not touch us. I just want to be clear, except for you who just gave the devil's sign. It's fucking, you could touch us. No, I'm just kidding. Honestly, molest us. But that, we really appreciate,

we'll be over there. Thanks so much for coming out guys. And thank you to this festival. Thank you to everyone who put this shit on. Appreciate it. Thank you guys.