The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 252 - Icelandic History - Live from Reykjavik

Episode Date: March 24, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Icelandic comedian Hugeikur Dagsson - dagsson.com SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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problem? All right look at this. It feels like we're raffling off shit. Feels stable figure out the chair. They don't do them like America dive. Hi. Hi. Hi. How do you say hi in... Hi. I can say hi. Well I know I know one word you guys. Bam! I probably said it wrong and they're like I don't know what's happening. Congratulations. You live in the best place. I went inside of a glacier and he went inside Dave and it was awesome. That was what I would hope I hoped it would be. And much like a glacier there were cold parts there were warm parts. We weren't gonna talk about that. Okay. Alright. That's fair. Hi. Here's

my son up there. He's pretty weird. 19 years old. All the money goes to his research. We will figure out what this is. I like that you're lower than me. Yeah it's kind of weird. I feel like I'm at the kids table. Hi. You're gonna leave me alone and that's how it's gonna be. Those are the rules I'm setting down right now. And you don't want to say anything else about... It's just the greatest. He scuba-dived at the Continental level. Well snorkel. But I'm gonna say whatever. No, it's so much harsher. I was just looking at a Christian Wake doing Bjork. Alright, that killed. No, it is so great to be here. We really genuinely thank everybody for coming out. Not that guy. No, not him. You. Not you. Everyone else though.

God bless him. So you. We fucking talked about this. Is anyone here not familiar with the podcast? Yeah. That's all right. It's a safe place guys. You can be honest. We don't look who comes crawling. That's not safe. Now you're just a follower. Now you're a follower. So if you don't know what happens on this podcast, I read stories from American history and I butcher those names. So what's gonna happen tonight is gonna be like a fucking massacre of words. Because you guys have letters and I don't know what they are. Tonight's gonna be about the genocide of language. If you analyze it. So we have invited on an Icelandic comedian who now I don't stand up don't make me laugh. I think most of them are shit. And someone this first of all this place

but other people were like you gotta you gotta see this guy and I went and looked at his one of his videos and I laughed twice in the first minute. So that's really rare. So that's a that's a I'm being really nice because I'm a cynical fuck. So that's is that a good introduction? I think it's really good. It shows his credits and yeah, I think he wears shirts with his own product on it, which I think is very important to me. It's called smarketing. And now, now I'm gonna fuck up his name. Okay, great. Well, the journey begins. Ladies and gentlemen, who lucky Darkson? Did I fucked it up? I fucked it up. Who late? Who late, Darkson? I said who lucky? Who late? There's a trick to it actually saying my name for you outlanders. Is that what you call us? Yes.

Yes, you are outlanders. Are we called outlanders? That's like we're Highlanders, but not outlander. There can be only one outlander. No, but my name who the good actually does sound exactly like the lyrics to the song, who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who, who? So wait, you let the dogs out? Yes. Finally, closure. They needed some air. Yeah, well, I don't know. They're not coming back about how men have been very clear. It's a plight. So I consider him Iceland's most famous comedian. Yeah, I'm one of them. Because I don't know any other ones. So it's him. I only know two other, I know there's Bjork. She's very funny. And then there's that goose thing. And then there's the guy,

the guy that played for Chelsea is name I can't remember. I love the Bjork bit where she beat up the reporter outside of the airport. Yes, I've always found that to be journalists deserve to get their ass kicked. Yeah. Oh, this is weird. I'm surprised you're not aligned on this. It's shocking that you're a contrarian right now. No, I just just sounded very Trumpian. Oh, yes, we're all we were all very pro-trap over here. I know you guys seem like you are the that's right. Motherfuckers are the outlanders. We just love when you guys voted for him. We all went off. Finally, they got it right. Rack the code. But we should say that we didn't say right. We said white, right? Orange is the new white. Please don't make fun of our fear. And we got to be careful

because if we're to yeah, we might not get back in. Yeah. We might get an email. Remember? Oh, we got a fucked up email today from a Trump supporter. He was really mad because we talked about Trump. This guy claimed that we thought all Trump supporters were racist, which I don't think is anything. No, no, not all Trump supporters are racist. No, just all racist and Trump supporters. That is correct. That is correct. See, I made my chair higher, but I like that you're sticking to me. I like it when people look down on me. I am a masochist. Well, that's easy for Americans. The outlanders will have no issue there. So normally, when we do American history, there is there's a finite beginning because

we the white guys came and then all the other the ones that were there died. And we don't know from what not white people. Yeah, there was not white people. There was like a there was someone coughed and then and then they all died. There's a whole blanket situation. Yeah, we made them sniff the blanket might have given him blankets with stuff on it. But that happens. Yeah. So but the written history just begins at a certain date. But you guys don't have that because you came over before people were writing. And boy, do you guys like to write? And and so so it's a different sort of history for us to like wrap, especially me to wrap my head around. Yeah, because there's no like beginning point like where we start, everyone's already writing all the time. And but you

guys have like a versus arts and oral history and then, you know, and then slowly becomes written down. And so it's a little opaque. There's some facts or some fiction. I'm sure it is. I didn't pay attention. That's fine. Well, we're gonna look get along just great. We're gonna hit it off. Fantastic. So I'm gonna what if I knew everything about this one? Oh, yeah. No, I remember that. That was amazing. Yeah, actually, there's some debate over that, though, Dave, I'm gonna throw a flag on the play there real quick. So so I'm going to give a little before we get into a little little summary of Iceland's history from the beginning. Okay. Again, this is gonna be a matter. Yeah. And the buddy said that you're ready. You ready with your list of should I fuck

up 1874? We didn't do the intro. You're listening to the dollop. This is a biweekly Icelandic history podcast. Each week I read a story from Icelandic history to my friend. Well, let's start. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what Iceland's history is about. Yeah, well, I kind of and our guess who lucky dogs on who let me die. I still got it wrong, right? Who like dogs and you know, you can also do it by column. I have my like American friends sometimes call me hooligan, because I know sounds my last name is taxon taxon. Yeah. So I'm hooligan taxon hooligan doxon. Okay, you'll find on this podcast name shift. Yes. There's really by the minute. And we're the first one. Wait, what year are we in? We're in 1874. You

want to shout it again? 1874. Here we go. Oh, golf off. Are you sorry? Sorry, I gotta. I think you added like 1000 years. Are you sure it didn't mean eight? Sorry, eight. Did I say 1874? Okay, he came a little bit earlier. 1874. You want to shout it? Oh, my God. I'm glad you're here. Engulfer. Oh, we're gonna be here all night. Engulfer. How do you say it? It's in color armor song. No, it isn't. It means in color, the son of the eagle. Fuck yeah. Son of eagle. Yes, we are all from a game of thrones. So good. So that guy arrived on the shores. Sorry, who did? Engulfer. But you know why he came here, right? He was looking for shit. He was in Norway, I think. It was the 800. This is the stuff I was talking about where some

is real, some is not. We're gonna hear something that might be real. This thing called Christianity came to Norway and he said, I'm not having anything. I didn't think of that. Oh, yeah. He's a pagan. First mistake. Yep. First mistake. All right. Well, that was wrong. Americans love, no, we're not religious at all. So it's basically settled and discovered by the Norse people during the Viking Age. You know about that? Oh, yeah. Hackers played their division. Yep. By the way, people in Iceland super another Viking background. You could pick up on that slightly. Before they came to Iceland, they went to Ireland and picked up some slaves to rave in Iceland to make the Icelandic nation. Sort of like a pillaging internship. I feel very uncomfortable right now.

There is a book called the Land of Nama Bok. Sure. You pronounced it correctly. Sorry, this is in 1984, right? 1874. Land Nama Bok. Lama Bok. Also known as the book of settlements. We'll go with that. Book of settlements. It means settlement book or land finding book. Land finding book? Very literal, very literal. So it says he was the first permanent settlement. He came to Norway in 1874, then others followed more than 400. Okay. They were like, look at this place. Those are big numbers back then. Fucking huge numbers. Like on Twitter certified. Other people may have come here first. A Greek explorer in the fourth century BC described a northern country six days from Britain. So that could be this. How do you know we're close? Wait

six days. Shit. I don't see it. In the eighth century, Irish hermits came to Iceland looking for solitude. Well, they'll find it. And according to early sources, there were some Irish monks trying to make a go of it here when the Vikings arrived. And they left because. Can you imagine you're like an Irish monk and you're like, oh, this is nice. Then Vikings come. You're like, well, this party's fucked up. It's time to start talking again. They're coming in. The Vikings are here. That was silent shatard. Fuck, it feels good to talk. It's so long. We got to make a U-turn. The Norse people worship tons of pagan gods like Thor.

He's who's from Australia. He's from a lot of comics. He's from Marvel comics. He ate it by Stanley in the sixties. Yep. He has a hammer situation. Sure. Yeah. The hammer means his penis.

Yep. So we call it a metaphor. A metaphor. A metaphor. So we call it a metaphor. Around this time, there were chiefs called Godard. How are you? We're going to need to go to Godard.

It's got the little O in it. Oh boy. Dave. Don't have one of your falls. What is that? What is that thing? Is that a D? Yeah, it's a soft D. It's like a T-H, but very soft. Oh, okay. Got you. So they rule the country, there's no royalty, so these guys are a bunch of, you know, a little cheap in situations. At the end of the Selma period, Icelanders be on the right, there's sagas. You know about those?

I've always loved the Icelandic sagas. It's like my stories, like my soap operas. It's basically like old school fan fiction. Okay. And they would write it about the pagan gods? No, about stuff that happened, like they would take things that had happened and then they'd jazz it up a little. Jazz it up. There's a lot of violence in the sagas. It's very dark, right? Very dark. It has a whole lot of fights in it and people fighting for honors.

And actually, you know, I think it was like the first action movies. We had the one liners after we killed people. I see the because it's us. But, you know, for example, there was this one time where one guy in one of the sagas just for no reasons chopped down another guy. Sure. And they asked the whitens to chop him down and he said, which we all know what that means. Fair justification. It basically means because he was standing there. I mean, totally reasonable.

It shouldn't have been standing there, bro. For the time, it's a legitimate excuse. It's just like Jason Statham stuff. Right, right. Because he was standing there. It would be so great if you guys still acted like that. And this was a terrifying place to come. But beautiful. But beautiful.

So you're like, I want to go inside the glacier, but I might get killed by a guy on the street. Like that would be fun. And Irish Herman runs out. He's like, they left me behind. They forgot about me. I'm tiny, I am. Anyway, so there was also this thing called a general Icelandic assembly called all thing. I'll think it, which means all things.

That's actually, we're on our podcast on all thinking comedy. So it was held in midsummer. It's basically like one of the first parliaments, right? Like the beginning of a government coming together sort of situation. When one came to one place in Iceland and they decided how to do stuff. That sounds like a government. The Gothar. The Gothar, yes.

Who were chieftains would make and amend laws and appoint judges, et cetera. Farmers had to belong to a chieftaincy, but could switch their allegiance to whatever Gothar they wanted. Yes. And the Gothar could kick out whoever they wanted. True. I think you're just reading stuff. I am. So you have no fucking idea.

Just validating, yep. For sure. Yes. Close. Close to actual. Of course. Women and workers had zero role in the political system. Yes, like it is and has always been and below has been.

Very different where we come from in the outland area. Very able to choose. We actually have just a penis as a president. He's in your museum, I think. The orange cock. The hamster cock. Behold hamster cock. Then along came Christianity at the end of the 10th century.

Always a good opener. And all was well. Thank you. Thanks for coming, everybody. Goodbye. There can't be any other pages to this tale. But you know, there isn't like there was a Thorker Ljósvikninga god. Am I right?

Yeah. And he was the one who, he was the main god at the time. And he decided that we should do the Christianity, but he had like a loophole to it. Because he went like it says in the science, he went under a fur. Excuse me? Sorry. He had to decide while lying. Are you talking about like we call it a fjord?

No, a fur. No, you mean like a coat. He went to the coat. You went under a fur? Yeah. A fur. A fur. But you can still worship.

What the fuck is that supposed to do? I don't know. There are some theories that he actually in the fur means he went to the Swat Lodge, but it hasn't been confirmed. It's going to be hard to confirm that. The thing is that he needed to decide and apparently he needed to be warm while he was deciding what to do with the woman. So he came from the fur and he says, okay, this is what we're going to do.

We're going to do this Christianity thing, but we can also do the whole pagan thing as long as we don't tell anyone about it. That's exactly what you should do. Yeah, yeah, no. Yeah, no workers. You can do, they may blotat, or say, that's what the fucking people said. You can do pagans yet, but just don't be telling anyone. Don't be a dick about it.

Do it in your house. Shut up about it. And then walk around with a cross and be like, yeah, I love this. And then go inside your house. Treat it like heroin. Go to the coat. Just make it. Hide it from everyone you love.

Go on. Kiss Jesus' toes and then go home and slaughter a lamb for four. I apologize for earlier, Thor. I get it. That's Thor. You're going to get the hammer. So think my hammer. The king in Norway, all off the first, set missionaries to Iceland who went to convert

people and then around the year 1000, the all thing decided everyone on the island should become Christians as you gave it better. Do you think missionaries mind that there's a whole sexual position named after them? Yeah, but it's kind of a religious one. Why? Because you're looking each other in the face while you're fucking. That's religious. It's just like, you know, I would say it's honest sex.

It's honest. It's like, hey, let's just go to where we started with this. If you're fucking someone from behind, she can't see you, roll your eyes or something. Or text. I don't know. I have my whole better mass mirrors. So it's his. No, you got to see that room.

It is. So remembering about the balcony. Yeah, I did too. So I just remembered that also before he ruined it. Why are you in therapy? Yeah. So some of the Gotar were ordained and they kind of controlled the new religion. Two districts under the control of bishops were set up.

One at Skolkant. Got it. I don't think you have any notes on that one. Skolkant. Skolkant? Yeah. It means the hill of a bowl. Jesus.

Are you calling it Skolkant? The Skolkant. That's, yeah. Skolkant. This is very Freudian actually. Well, listen. I heard what I wanted to. Skolkant?

A bowl of kant? Don't mind if I do. Is that okay Thor? And the other one was at Holar. Holar, yes. It means hills. Very imaginative. We know our most famous volcano is the Eafjärta yoghurt.

We know that. Everyone can pronounce it. But did you know that Eafjärta yoghurt literally means island mountain glacier? Because it's a glacier on a mountain on an island. The most unwritten name for an accurate... Were you guys like settled by autistic people? No. So it's why they believe this is a very prosperous time for the island.

They raised cattle and sheep and clothing. Cloth was a big export. But the good times of independence were about to end. Uh-oh. And the parties always got to end. Norway got all fired up in the 13th century and the king wanted to unite all Norwegian Viking age settlements. At the same time, there were about 10 powerful gothar on Iceland and they were fighting each other, uh, battling for power.

But in the 1260s, all gothar were persuaded to give allegiance to the king of Norway. Okay. Everyone was hoping it would bring peace to the island. Were they like it's Norway or the highway? Keep going. I'm so sorry. I apologize. The reaction was not what I wanted.

I'll take that. Then came, uh, the dried fish in the early 14th century. The dry, wait. I said dried fish. Then came the dried fish. The dried fish are here. They weren't swimming. Norwegian merchants.

They came to come dry until they came on to land. I'm sorry. I also like that. Okay. Thank you. Go on. So Norwegian merchants, everyone started digging the dried fish. Wait, wait, wait.

What does that mean? So they're drying fish here. They're drying fish on land. They take it out and they throw it on a rock or whatever they do. Yeah. No, it makes sense. Out of the water. We use towels in the States.

We use towels. We towel them off. How you doing, buddy? Not wet. And you're longer. That's how it becomes dry. So Norwegian merchants started importing it from Iceland to Norway. And English merchants were like, oh, this is good.

I want some. And then the English started coming over to Iceland to try and buy the dried fish. They were like, we'll taste our sense of humor off of this. Is it good? Dry fish? Yeah. Yes. It's wonderful with a little bit of butter.

And maybe some, well, this is a secret if you put tapasks on it. It is amazing. So if you put things that take you away from the flavor of it, it's good. Yes. Basically like all Icelandic foods ever in the history of time. Have you tried the rotten shark? No. And we're not going to because it's a fucking trick to make tourists eat it.

You guys don't eat it. You guys aren't like, oh, I dug up a shark after four months. I'm going to have some. Screw you. We get it. It's a game. I'm not playing it. Nice try, Iceland.

Sometimes we paste on it just for fun. Do you like it? It's good. It's very, it's gamey. It's pissy, too. It's very pissy. So the Norwegian and Danish crowns formed a union and the Danes tried to stop the English from trading with Iceland, which led to a governor getting killed in a war between Denmark

and England. So Denmark and England are fighting over dried fish from Iceland. Yes, as they should. This is the part of the night when we sleep in history. Yeah. And then England was like, yeah, fuck this. And started going to Newfoundland to get their fish. They were like, all right, we can get other.

There's fish elsewhere. You can try it anyway. It's not like there's only Iceland fish. The A.F.A. Island Mountain Glacier is a stupid name. How about Newfoundland? It's very... We discovered it lately, land. Oh my God, there it is, Bill.

But Iceland was about to hit hard times. There had been birch trees all over the island, but everyone here cut them down and used them to make fuel for their houses. Okay. They destroyed this island. Yeah. They cut down. Yeah.

Yeah. So without the woods and with the heavy grazing of the animal, there was a lot of soil erosion and this led to a severe climate and soon no one could grow grain at all. Okay. Which, of course, led the church and wealthy dudes to buy up all the land and now the farmers were all renters. Okay. Well, let's see.

Now it feels like America. Finally, Reaganomics. Now back then, tons of people lived on farms. Icelandic society was set up like this. There was a farmer at the top, then a cross farmer, then a freelancer, then a farm hand, then a dependent on the district, and then a vagabond. Wow. The last one's great.

They had hobos. Yes, they had hobos. We called them Neder Sethnikur when it means someone who was just put there. Put them over here. I think. Here we go. Neder Sethnikur. And you have nothing.

Setya is Neder is down. Setya is put. So it's put him down. Like a sick dog. And you're a vagabond. Where shall we put this person? Just put him down. Down.

Down. Way down. Way down on our totem pole. Why was someone carrying him in the first place? Yeah. My back hurts. Put him down. Okay.

So. The Irish hermit's like, what am I? Do I have a kumbak? So the farm hand couldn't leave the farm without permission from the farmer and the farmer couldn't leave the district without permission from his district administrator. But the farmer had to house feed and clothe the farm hands in return. So it's like a pimp prostitute sort of situation. Right.

Give him that farm hand. Farmers didn't own the land and almost all land was owned by the wealthy landowners of the church. So farmers would lease it for a year and then at the end of the year they would just go to another farm and farm that one. Okay. So a farmer had to have at least three cows and then you could be a crop farmer. And you need 10 to be a freelancer.

If you didn't have any cows, you had to be a free land, a farm hand. Okay. So it's cow based. It's a cow based economy. It's a cow based economy. It's a cow nomics. And you couldn't not be a farm hand. So farm hands, so farm hands would work for a year also and then they would move and this

happened at the end of May and it was called a fartigar, which means moving days. Fartigar. Yes. Yeah. So for four days. It means what? It means days when they are going from it. I mean it is a great language.

It's magical. It's like we mean what we say and the same thing. It's like every word is like a story. So I went at four days to move to their new farm. So farmers and farm hands, everyone's moving really quick. Sure. You also couldn't get married if you didn't own a farm. Now if you didn't get hired to a farm, you were no man's land and you became a dependent

of the district. Okay. So if you couldn't get a fucking job on a farm, they're like, okay, loser. They're government cows. So those people were randomly placed on farms. Yes. They're also putting down people. So people are putting down.

So if you just don't have any cows, they're like, you live here. Yeah. They'd be like, you live on this farm and you work for these cows. But get your shit together cow wise pal. But that, but so that guy, the district would pay for him to live there because the farmer would hire him. Okay. So the district would be like, all right, we'll cover this, but not on a kindness.

Then the guy would have to pay them back even though he made no money. It's like a loan job. So he's basically a slave. Yeah. I think you'll find we've got a pretty good track record too, my friend. I don't want to have a pissing contest. Pretty well. And then the Lutheran movement came.

Oh boy. All right. Shout out. Someone just got excited for Lutherans. Yeah. They Lutheran. You don't hear that very often. They were just shouting for interest.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was a very deep cut. DPC? Anyone? Okay. Go on. Denmark was like, everyone's got to get on board.

And they had an all thing. And I was like, cool, we can be this other kind of Jesus loving religion. We'll do the other one. It's the same thing. As soon as you read that, you're like, they're just like, yeah, whatever you want. Except one Bishop of the North, John Aronson. John Aronson. Aronson.

It generally means we have more than one word for equal. So it's your own son of the equal. Jesus. Why aren't we doing this? Can we just take this? Because my name would be son of the drunk. Well, to tell you my full name is Thor's Eagle. You're Thor's Eagle?

I'm Thor's Eagle. Get the fuck out of here. He had a hammer. No, he had a hammer. No, but because you guys took it. You're family. Yeah. What do you mean Thor?

If someone made it up, let's pretend like Thor had an eagle and we'll call ourselves that. My full name is Thor's Eagle, mind game, son of the day. I got to go. I actually, Dave, I have to go. I didn't know what this was going to turn into. Obviously, that's intimidating. So just talk about who you're messing with. Obviously, and I want no beef with this song.

It's so weird. Listen, I have no cows in this fight. My name is son of the drunk. Gains weight at middle age. My dad listens from time to time. So does mine. He won't remember. I said the podcast, the gift, you get it?

So Jan Aronsson. He held out for a decade, holding down for Roman Catholics. He's like, I'm not going Lutheran. But then finally he was caught in 1550 with his two sons and the Lutherans cut all their heads off. Oh my God. What? Yeah. Okay, sorry.

I'm sorry to act like that's crazy, guys. Whoopsie. Didn't realize that wasn't a party film this time. Holy shit. And that was the end of Catholic Resistance on Iceland. Well, yeah. Yeah, that pretty much settles it. You're like, sorry, where are the books?

Give me the books. I'm really excited. My heads are off. I can't wait to read this. When Jan's head was cut off, that is considered the end of the Middle Ages in Iceland. Wow. That's how you end the Middle Ages. With a bang. That's how they should end the Olympics.

Take a head off. The loser country. Sorry. I'm Icelandic. We have dark souls. We don't have souls. It's actually called Son of Olympics. Well, that didn't seem dark at all.

Cutting off the head of a guy with Down syndrome. That's perfectly normal. You don't have to go to specifics. Yeah. Just let the audience decide which kind of decision. You came in second. You came in second or 31. That's how you make them?

Dude, that's the best. She's gone. She took the kid. She took the kid and fled. Whatever he was doing, banging my wife on a stool. I don't know what happened. They're gone. Well, now we can get weird.

Finally, a green light or whatever light you guys use. Son of light. We do the lion dance like decapitated mentally challenged people. But I'm sorry, that's not very nice. It's good to know. But now that they're gone, we can go all the way. I'm going to roll up these sleeves. And take off more links.

So, after the Lutheran Reformation, the Danish royal treasury confiscated all lands that belonged to Icelandic monasteries. All German... That's easy, though, because nobody can fight back. They're like... German traders were booted off the island. And in 1602, the royals decreed that all foreign trade could only be with Danish merchants. Okay.

We love them, right? Danish people. Oh, boy. Here we go. For some reason, we call them beans. Beans? Why? I never thought that.

Oh, yeah. They sent us a lot of beans. It doesn't help make sense out of it. They sent you northern beans? No, the center of them is a rotten bean. The brain, they have a rotten bean. So are you saying that they're bad inside? They have bean damage. You guys need to work on your insults.

We're not really xenophobic races, but Danish people are not people. You know... You know... Well, no. You should have totally... They're not plotting. They're not stopping. Oh, my God, they're unfurling flags.

That's something we haven't heard on this podcast before. So anyway, it stayed that way for two centuries, and then Iceland pretty much only had contact with Denmark. Or the dead inside people. Beanfolk. Beanfolk. They had a very cold existence, and they had their houses which were built out of turf, mostly.

Mud huts, basically. Mud huts. We all did that. We did that in America, too. We made mud huts. They had to keep the cold out, but they needed to let the air in to have some light also, because it's very dark days in the winter.

And it would get rancid and stale if you didn't have a... Sure. Yeah, we just basically saved it in darkness inside a house built of mud, and the only way to keep us warm was to not have any windows and to fart at each other. So like now. So they made holes in the roof, sometimes one, sometimes two, but they couldn't just leave it open, obviously,

so they came up with the idea of a screen. Okay. They used a thin membrane made out of the amniotic sac of a cow. Oh, God. That's going to get the stink out? There we go. Oh, I like that bacon, and oh, that smells right. Thank God it doesn't smell bad in here anymore.

Wait, you were nodding like you do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously. I didn't know it, but it doesn't surprise me at all. I've got a cow screen in the hotel. I love it. I really do. We've got all kinds of animal parts for all kinds of things. Yeah, no, get a cow screen. We've got all kinds of things into animal parts.

Excuse me? Son of cow fucker. The only way to get more cows is to reproduce them. Hey, it's something. Oh, God, it's warm in here. We got to get ten. We got to get some cowboys. Because they kill the cowcores.

Okay, so they take the thin membrane from the amniotic sac, and they take it after birth, they wash it, they stretch it out, and they try it, and then they would wet it again and stretch it around the ring of a barrel. There's a circular window that they would put on the hole in the roof. Who figured this shit out? Who was the guy like, you know what'll help?

Wash a cow's stomach and throw it on your roof. Whatever the hell it is. Cow guts. It's a birth situation. Wash it and put it on the roof. You know it's better if you just climb in the cow's womb. Very warm. Yeah, lots of it are sleeping bags.

They're womb mates. When someone died, they would remove the closest amniotic sac window to where the person died to let their soul escape. And then after that, they would flip it over to keep the soul out. In case it wanted to come back in. I forgot my phone! Hello? Come on, why did you flip it?

Guess I'll go to heaven or whatever we believe in. It's a one-way amniotic sac. Can you guys still just go one way through an amniotic sac? I'm just surprised that we have souls. You're thinking of the Danish. So in 1625, the Icelanders also had their very first serious witch situation. Ah, the sixties.

Simpler times. Simpler times. This was mostly an important thing from Hamburg. Not the witch, but the reaction to the witch. There was a young guy, gentlemen, from... I love you. Yep, I don't think you're going to have anything to say about that. I love you. You guys are just talking gibberish.

He's Danish! He's a Danish man! I knew it! It turned into Vulcan at the end. Son of Kirk! Vulcans are the Icelanders of space. We've only said so. When we saw Vulcans on Star Trek, we were like, hey, you stole this from us.

There was a lot of Icelandic people with very weird foreheads. So... Like I looked... Yeah, sorry. As a teenager. Because I had pimps. Take it easy, you're having a breakdown. So the local sheriff just came from Hamburg where he studied,

and so they had a serious witch situation there. A witch situation? You know what to do. So Farmer Segurder of the valley, fuck me. That's an interesting name. Svartarvalar? Yes, it's perfect. No notes.

No, it's Svartarvalar. It is actually the valley from which I come. Oh, really? Yes, that's where my family comes from. And my... Well, this got weird when you smiled. This is a very small continent. Because our ex-president, Kristian Antion,

is my grandfather's brother. He was from the... But how many people can say that? A farm called Turk, which means pond. Wait, what? And he's from a farm called Pond? Yes. Crops aren't doing well.

What the problem is? I guess land. Now that I look back, it's probably a land issue. Because they built a farm next to a pond and they thought, what would we call this farm? Let's call it pond. Makes sense. Because it's a pond.

We have no imagination. We are Iceland. Iceland. No imagination at all. I mean, it is called Iceland. You did call it Iceland. Iceland. Perfect. Yes.

So what was your... He's your uncle's cousin? No, he's my grandfather's brother. Your grandfather's brother. So what's his name translated, the ex? Kristian Antion. Kristian, what does Kristian mean? Kristian.

Okay, Kristian... Interesting. They really nailed that one. Good Iceland. It means Christian fire iron. Christian fire iron? Yes, like what you do to mark a cow. Or brand with other people?

Yes. It basically is named after the tool which we use to mark people Christian. With fire. Or are the Christians marking people? Like are the Jews like, I don't want to go there. No, that's not. What?

No, okay. There's a huge Jewish population here, right? Yeah, there are at least one. I think I saw him. Cool guy. Can you give me that? Oh, sure, hun. Open it, boy.

Okay, I'm going to try to get through all these names. So, Farmer Segudur... Segudur? Yeah, Segudur. He has a ghost problem. Who doesn't? In this economy? So this ghost killed some of his horses.

Sure. So the farmer said, John, I think her? Yep. Oh, I think her? Yep. Can I see it? I think her.

I think she is from any of your versions. He's from what? I think he is obviously from any of your versions. Why are you asking questions that don't need to be asked? I don't know. I'm sorry. So he thinks John is responsible for the ghost

because he wanted to kill the farmer or at least cause him harm. So magistrate Magnus Bjornason got the case... The son of the bear? Right. So the son of the bear got the case and he interrogated John

and John denied it 100% and then they searched John's house for ghost things or witch things and they found runic letters which are basically German letters that were used before Latin took over. So he could write.

So he could write so they figured well he's a witch and then they burned him at the stake. That is pretty quick as far as trial and process. He was a writer. He fucking burned those people before they spread. One guy

write the whole fucking towns writing and then everyone's dying from witches and ghosts. What is that a witch or a ghost that makes you write? Or is it a combo? Witches can make ghosts kill horses. Is that an answer? With horse killing ghosts

make you write Latin. Hey, we've heard it all before folks. This was also around the time that Necropants came into fashion. What did? Necropants? Necropants?

Hold on, Gareth. I'd rather not. Here's how they worked. First a sorcerer or a witch That's a great start to anything. Step one, get a sorcerer. Gonna take a little bit of time. Jim, are you a sorcerer?

Are you very son of Jim? So a sorcerer would make a pact with a buddy that he could skin... With a fellow sorcerer? When you sit down you're having some beers and you're like, hey, I got an idea. And then you talk this out. So you would make a deal with a buddy

that you could skin him from the waist down if he died of natural causes. Oh my god. So like if we're hanging out in the green room and I'm like, hey man. Yeah, hit me with it. Because if you die of like a heart attack, can I just take your skin from the waist down?

For sure, wear them like pants. Oh boy. Oh no. Truly? So once... So if you lose him you're like, dammit! I need a friend to die again! And towards the beginning

of Icelandic fast show. So... Don't you remember... York where I'm gonna... In a video, she did a video where she was wearing human pants? I don't remember that one. I remember the goose. This song was called Human Pants.

Now it's ringing a bell. Human pants. It's human pants. I have a male MPP This is another thing Between my legs Pants are in the dark. So those are really form fitting though.

You're like, God, I mean these are like skin on me. Aren't they? They are just really tight. My friend was far skinnier. It's like a second skin. It's like a second skin here. I feel like I'm molting. I got the boot cut. So... So once he was dead

the sorcerer would wait until his buddy was buried and then he'd dig him up and skin the lower half without creating any holes or tears. It's gotta be perfect, gotta be nice. Then he would put on these rad new pants. The pants being skin.

It's just your buddy's lower part. So you're just doing a like pal torso swap? Kind of. His dick looks great on me. Fit right into this dick. Like a glove. Yeah.

You can use the dick as a pocket as well. And you can use the balls to keep your leg ball. Let me grab my change purse. How much again? Two, three, sorry. I'll just... I keep it on my key chain.

I didn't know I had that. Or a thousand if you guys are. So... So next he's got the pants on. You can't wear anything underneath. So it's gotta be skin against skin. Dave, knowing very little

I would guess that you can't have anything underneath. Because you're putting on skin. Unless your friend... But then your friend has to be the same. Like you can't be... You can't be 100 pounds If you're putting on someone else's skin I think it's gonna be seen through

and if you're wearing underwear on the inside you're gonna look ridiculous. But wait, also then doesn't it just look like you're naked from the waist down? Aren't you just kind of like porky pigging your way around town? How are you? No, no, no, that's not mine.

I'm wearing my friend's pants. I have a saber and a sorcerer. Porky pig got his career. Yeah a fellow a pig died. My friend is dead.

But if you're walking around town in your necro pants, everyone's like someone died and so he's got those on. So they don't think you're naked. They're like those are just hot pants. No one will touch you. Yeah, I'm having trouble relating to this. I didn't know Jim had such a big dick.

So... So next there's more to the great story. Oh good. Next, the sorcerer would steal a coin from the widow and put it in the empty scrotum of the pants.

Oh my god, it is a change purse? You take a... Alright, keep going, let's get through this. And with that he would put a magical symbol written on a scrap of parchment. That's the key. No, that would make sense. You don't need a salad with that dressing.

No, for sure. And boom, pretty soon you couldn't tell these pants from the guy wearing them's body. Right? But only if the coin wasn't removed from the scrotum. You had to keep the coin in the scrotum. Wait, when you're wearing the pants?

You always keep the coin in the scrotum. Why do you ask? I'm gonna ask it. Well, because the magic scrotum would now fill with coins forever. Cash money. You got like a fucking scrotum bank. And it's just fucking more money, more money, more money, just coming out of your

buddy's bank. But more problems too. You can never take them off. Why would you? You've got an ATM under your dick. In case you want to fuck. Oh, well then there's that. But you have to spend that money to come to you or else your scrotum

is gonna get larger and larger. And that's gonna look ridiculous. You know, I look crazy right now. So many coins in my friend's scrotum pants. People are talking. People are like, I hear him pointing and I hear him laughing. Hey Bill, Bill, can I borrow a...

Oh God. No, you know never mind. No, no, no, take it, take it. Go now, go now, go now. Not there! That's mine! That was my one. I have one too. Use berries. Son of berry. So, so this is

the kind of place Iceland was. You got a nice view of what the country is in the 1600s. It's a beautiful place. It's a magical place. But how long until fashion week gets back to skin pants? How long until Kanye West is like,

check him out? Someone's like, uh-huh. I got money in my balls. Money, the pants are called money in my balls. Money ball. Now, Iceland was pretty much a defenseless place at this time and pretty much all

all the time. Do you have an army? What's your deal? We don't have an army. We only have heaps of them. But nobody's going to attack you if you're walking around in your friend's legs. People are like, let's turn around. Let's get back, actually.

Are you part of NATO? Like what happens if someone... Yeah, well, NATO used to be an army here and then they went away because they thought nobody cares about this place. They just left us. Congratulations. It was us, right?

The Americans had a base here? Yes. We need it back. We're fighting a war. The situation where we killed more of you than any... The only thing memorable about the fact that there was an American base here

is the fact that you had the Wendy's. That's it. On the base? There's a Wendy's. Wait, you mean Wendy's the fast food place? Yeah. I mean, are we not the most predictable people?

We open an army base. We're like, all right, mission one. We're the goddamn Wendy's. We need frosties and frogs. Yeah, but then they're like, oh, look, somebody brought shitty meat. Did you go to the Wendy's on the base? Or did you just walk by and smell it?

I have the legends of the Wendy's. Son of Dave Thomas. Half of them got there. The other half don't know what Dave Thomas is. I'm feeling it. Son of they serve chili now. Skin pants. And a Wendy's.

Checking all the boxes here, people. All of our army guys had to wear skin pants when they were here. Oh, yeah, for sure. Ultimate camouflage. I'm not me, I'm your friend. You just wear the whole person's body. It's me, the sergeant. So to deal with the monopoly

that Denmark had in place, they sent a warship to sail along and protect training ships that were coming here. Sometimes a warship would stick around Iceland for the summer and then bail when the weather got bad. So they'd be like, what now when we're here?

Every day they were like, shut it down. Boy, it is not clear enough. I don't know what is going on. During the time they were here, the warship would try to keep foreign fishing vessels away. Some, so sometimes the warship's job was to protect

both Iceland and the Faroe Islands. At the same time. The Faroe Islands are not a country. They're kind of far away. Yes, they're like the funny version of Iceland. They speak like us, but they're like a little bit more ridiculous.

Sorry, have you been listening? That's possible? Yeah, well they were. We're wearing upper bodies on our legs. They were skin tank top. They just have the head dangling between their crotch. Looks like I'm doing a handstand and walking.

Have you ever heard of those idiots? Fuck you Iceland, look at this shit. Two heads walking. That's a pretty cool way to wear neck or pants actually. What the heck? Well then you can keep actual bills in the mouth.

You're like I have change but I also have large bills. You can reach the change through the mouth. There you go. Doesn't the skin get rotten? No, they're magic pants that you're a sorcerer. You can make them not rot. My guess is people just were sweet to the sorcerers. And they weren't being like, no it doesn't smell.

You use the same technique as when we are trying fish. Put it up there and make it hang for a while and then you put your neck or pants on one leg at a time. Just like every other psycho. I just ate my pants

and I'm wearing the fish. Damn you rock. We had a guy like that at Geen in America. Yeah but he wasn't like fashion. No, he had a nipple belt. Well he had a skin lamp. He made a belt out of nipples from ladies that he found.

He's a West Icelander as we call them. What's that? A West Icelander It's an Icelander who actually left the country and went to West. And I think I'm pretty sure when he acts like one at Geen

was one. So if not for Iceland there would be no Texas change from Massacre. So you're Texas is West Iceland? Yeah, pretty much. So Okay What's East Iceland?

We left the East We're never going back It's called Norway. He've alienated those fans. No, he's popular in Finland. He doesn't give a shit. Yeah, but Finnish people are

fucked up. Let's not go into that. Shit I'm trying to keep that part of my fan base. The only part that's actually buying my stuff. Well, you're finished. So

Hey, ring that bell. So obviously a ship patrolling both the Faroe Islands and Iceland was there. Tough, because you're a ship. So this opened a bit of a hole for the Ottoman Empire.

Icelanders called the Turkish Empire at the time. Here we go. Now, during the 17th century the Ottoman Empire was fucking killing it. It was multi-national multilingual empire that controlled Southeast Europe, parts of Central

Europe, Western Asia, the Caucasus, North Africa, and the Horn of Africa and making a ton of bling capturing slaves. Okay. Did they call it bling? Yes, that's where bling comes from. Copy that, sir. It's an old Arab word.

Meaning skin-pants. Thank you. So the Berbers are an ethnic group from North Africa. Okay. They live from the Atlantic over to Egypt and at the time

pirate ships based from this area were known as the Barbary Pirates. Okay. They were a combination of Berbers with some European converts to Islam thrown in or just plain outlaws. Okay. So they were pirates.

The Europeans brought an expertise to sailing and building ships to the Barbary Coast and this allowed the ships to sail further across the Atlantic. Okay. So they're sort of blocking. They're blocking. Go ahead.

Is that a football reference? Absolutely. Big NFL crowd here? There's people listening. Wait till I start throwing out my baseball shit, guys. You're going to fucking love it. It's like a slider, am I right? Thousands of ships

would raid coastal towns around the Atlantic. Their goal was to capture Christian slaves for the Ottoman slave trade. Okay. You love the Ottoman slave trade? A big fan. I mean, I love to put my feet on stuff. So...

I always supported the Ottomans. They said a chair's comfy but could it be comfier? Along the coast in Spain and Italy people just abandoned their towns after repeated attacks. The ships snatched up to an estimated

800,000 1.2 million slaves. Holy shit. They're fucking just knocking slaves out of the park. That's a lot of slaves. That's fucking... Baseball reference. Home run.

Those really are hall of fame numbers, though. Those are tremendous slave numbers. Especially in that era. Feels like that's how many people there were. They're like, we got them all. When they die, you know what we're wearing. Am I right? Pound it out. Pound it. Pound it hard.

Pound it hard. Oof. Jans Jansund. Jans Jansund. It's a Z-O-O-N. The first one right there. It's an Adam Sandler movie. Jans Jansund.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a Jans Jansund van Halen. A Dutch person. You know how you say, I love you in Dutch? Pfft. Pfft. Who knew... Who knew isolators talk so much shit

about other people? Dude, you're just here. You can just throw haymakers. You're isolated. You're so not... You're so not elves. No. Everyone thinks you're these cute little Bjork-like people,

but you're monstrous. No, they really are like, bring it, bring it. Yeah, come on. Yeah, come beat us up in the cold land. I'm wearing my buddy's legs. I'm gonna knock those clogs off your fucking feet. Bring it.

I pissed in your fish. My windows are made out of anionic sacks, bitch. Bring this. This is my buddy, the sorcerer. He's banging cows. Bring it. Bring this shit. We ended our middle ages by cutting off Jans' head.

We ended our middle ages by cutting off Jans' head. We ended our middle ages by cutting off Jans' head. Boom. Done. Talk about a mic drop. It's a yawn drop. You never saw this cool effort. That's why you need Americans here.

We can put you through the propaganda machine. Put us on your podcast. Tell people about us. We are here. We exist. We are shun of radio. We are the people of ice. Please.

Please. Please. Fuck. Jans Jansun van Harlem? Jans Jansun van Harlem? Don't look at me. That's why you're here. I was born in Harlem.

Wait, what? Harlem was born in Harlem. I said Ireland. It's a district in New York. It's near Queens. In 1570, he lived his entire life while the 80 years war was going on between Dutch rebels

and the Spanish Empire. How long did that go? About 75 years. Jans got married in 1595 and had a couple of kids. In 1600, Jans started working as a Dutch privateer. Sure.

I'll tell you what a privateer is. You don't need to. I'm very aware. Well, what was it? You tell me. Privateers were essentially pirates except they had to deal with a government to be a pirate to attack enemy vessels and then they would split the profits.

Blackwater. It's blackwater. So they're basically, they're rogue but they're sponsored rogue. Yeah. We'll have some fun with that idea in our country. He was harassing Spanish ships

working out of the Netherlands but didn't feel like he was making enough money. Did he have a ball purse? Loaded a coin. So he made his way to the Barbary Coast, just left his family so he could attack the ships of any country

as a pirate and make more money. It was a great deal though, right? Like a free agent play in the market. Why would you work for a country where you can just free agent that ship? Whatever. So when he was attacking a Spanish ship he'd fly the Dutch flag

otherwise he'd fly the Ottoman Empire flag. Because he's got the flags all over the place at this point. Or really any flag that worked at the time. He just had a bunch of fucking flags with that shit out. Hey, I'm here. I'm from Iceland. Let me see your skin pants.

He was captured by Barbary pirates and held captive in Algiers. There he converted to a Muslim. He's a Muslim now, gentlemen. You guys have a lot of them here, yeah? All of us. Yeah. And he would spend quite a bit of time trying to convert.

Iceland. Go ahead. Yes, that was a funny joke. Thank you. As long as it's labeled. He would spend it. So he's always trying to convert his fellow Europeans. And he started sailing with the famous

Barbary pirate, Suleiman Rice. He was also a Dutch convert who was now a pirate. But Suleiman was killed by a cannonball that smashed through his legs in 1620, which is pretty... He was killed by them going into his legs? Well, someone else shot a cannonball

and he didn't jump or whatever you do. Some sorcerer was like, my future pants! Hit him up here! God, do a headshot for God's sake. I was going to wear him. Fuck. What about...

I'm just working with what we have. What about necrosocks? They'll do. They'll do. I have my heart set on my friend's pants. I really like his balls. So many coins. So after that, Yann took over

the ship and started sailing out of a port in Morocco. Now all the pirates in the city of Sella, which is in Morocco, then decided to form an independent republic free from the Sultan. So they're like, let's be our own pirate dudes. They're making a little pirate ship.

A pirate union is a fun thing. We want to be legit. A pirate party. Yes. They had 14 pirate leaders and Yann was elected president of the Navy. What?

But they're Navy... I mean, they're just pirates. We're a Navy now. Right? They're making up their own rules. Well, that's pirateish behavior. So if you're a pirate and you make a country, can I be the admiral?

For sure. I like how they're taking actual ranks, though. Pirates will do that. It's getting very... ships altogether. And the Sultan was totally fine with it. And he appointed Yann as a ceremonial governor. So now he's a governor

and an admiral and president. Pretty great title. That's a lengthy business card, though. So business takes off. It's going so well, he hired an assistant Dutch guy with a super long name that I'm not going to say. At one point, he sailed to the Netherlands,

which he could do because he had diplomatic privileges as the president of governor and admiral of CELA. They had like a fake... They had like a fake title. Sure. Uh,

was happy to be there, but didn't want to stay. This is an email from Dave's wife. You guys were doing... You guys were doing great and had an awesome turnout, but we felt we should leave. We... we felt we should leave.

He was like, you know what? They're just saying fuck too much, mom. I'm not... Daddy, mommy, what's from behind? We'll show you later. We got you, boy. You never fuck when your kid was in the

hotel room. Excuse me? What's happening? You just said... Oh, I thought that was a... That came out? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was thinking stuff. No. Same. Um, he's gonna look great

in skin pants. Keep reading. I think reading is the thing to do now, honestly. Have you ever seen a boy in skin pants? It's a whole different thing. I never thought I'd say this. Because they are... Read the story. I'll read it. Give me the fucking thing. I'll read the shit. Like, you see a kid playing soccer in skin pants. The goals he scores,

just money coming out of him, shooting a ball. It's amazing. It's a beautiful thing. There's something more lively about it than, like, a 50-year-old guy walking around like, I need more money. Whenever you want to get back to that, I think it's good. And they're just a huge dong. No, no, no.

Because most of them get... Somebody's not wearing a fellow kid. No, they get him from midgets. Well, then... All right. Why don't we... Let's get, honestly, we should... I don't think you do. I really don't think that you do. He fell down because he's wearing a grown man's legs. Shirts versus shins. Spit it out your nose, animal.

Fuck, that was close. That was almost the first pit take on a doll. I think you're right. Holy shit. Whew. So... He's now the leader, right? So he goes to the Netherlands

under this diplomatic privilege. But the Dutch caught on that he was there and they brought the family down that he abandoned to try to get... to try to get him to feel bad and give up being a pirate. I don't... Does that work for pirates? No, because being a pirate is the most cool thing ever.

That's the thing. You bring down... you bring down the thing that makes you go, I am doing it. And then you have him hang out and the wife sends you a message later. She's like, he wanted to stay, but he just was a little weirded out by the whole thing. We're back at the hotel.

I shouldn't have brought him. He enjoyed it, but I shouldn't have brought him. Yeah, but also I shouldn't have had our kid in skin pants. So... So he heads back and then... what happened while he was there instead of the Dutch government officials

bringing his family, he ends up converting tons of Dutch guys to be pirates. Backfires. All he did was convert guys to be muslims. No, leave again. Hurry, get out of here. So it's muslims.

Yeah, it does look. So in 1627, Jan rented a Danish slave to guide him to Iceland. Rented? What's going on with your slave? I hate it. I'm a slave.

So, can I like rent you for a little while? Absolutely. Let's do this. Because I want to go to a place called Iceland. I'm in. Again, I have no will. So there were not that many people living in Iceland at the time.

There was around 50 or 60,000. So like now. What is the population? It's what? 350,000. No, isn't that just in Reykjavik? That's the whole island? Yeah, 350,000. Yes, we are all really great.

We are the most beautiful example of inbreeding ever. Whatever you guys are doing. To make beautiful people you fuck related people. They're Kentucky. But pretty. Much prettier.

So, he uses the slave to get into Iceland and they sail into the harbor of Grendavik. Ah, fuck me. Is this Reykjavik? Grendavik? Grendavik?

The bay of grinding. Grinding bay. Is that real? Do you remember that the grind? My aunts all speak for both of us. Yes. It originated from Grendavik.

You're welcome to the grind, y'all. We're going to burn off calories. Everyone's going to get hard. But the fishing village of Grendavik kind of sucked because they were only able to steal some salted fish

and they captured 12 Icelanders and three Danes to sell as slaves to get ransom for. As they left Grendavik As they left Grendavik they came across a Danish cargo ship and they put up their Danish flag.

The trick worked and Jan quickly captured the ship and its crew. They were the royal residents at fuck Bassassanti Bassassanti, yes. That's basically our white house.

Oh, beautiful. Where is that in the relation to here? It's just over there. Okay. Let's go check that out tomorrow. Why wouldn't your president live in Reykjavik where all the people are? Why wouldn't he live in an ice house?

An ice house? Like a bond? Yeah, like he's like bring me Superman. I need him. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. He lives in Bassassanti which means the place of Bessi.

Bessi is an old actor in nationality and played Miki Reber in Carti Mambo. He's doing Icelandic humor right now. I actually relate to everything he said. And

it's good. He did do that. It makes sense. So this is where the Danish governor of Iceland lived and the governor heard the pirates were coming and caring about

the people, he ordered a small fortress to be built around his own house and cannons brought in leaving everyone else outside. He had an experienced canineer an Icelander named Jan Olofsson. He had served in

the Danish Navy, sailed to India and because he was from Iceland, he had written a book about it. Anyway, the ships rolled into the sea outside of Bassassanti one of the ships became stranded when it was driven aground

and then the pirates spent two days moving cargo from their new slave from their, moving all their new slaves to the other ship to try to lighten the load. Right. And Jan Olofsson was like, can I shoot my cannon at these guys? They're just fucking sitting there and the governor was like, no.

And so for two days they just watched them unload the ship until it could sail again. And then while they were doing that, they were also like, let's go pillage. And so they pillaged and then Jan sailed home. That was the end of that pirate attack.

Pretty. That was a fun story. But... Yeah, this is called Titkananin in Icelandic. This is called the great Turkish... Well, now we're going to get there.

Yeah, okay, go on. Word was out about Iceland, a place where you could get some very not good stuff and white Christian slaves. So two ships sailed out of Algiers and arrived in the eastern of Yords on July 4th.

Yeah, America's independence. They began plundering. What's the difference between pillaging and plundering? Oh. Yeah, pillaging is when you put your mind to it.

And plundering is just gone, baby. So... So it's the difference between hanging out sober and drunk. Pillaging, you're like, this is calculated. Plundering, you're like, hey, give me a shit. Come on, don't be weird. Pillaging is both professional and plundering.

Plundering is both fun. Yeah. There's no rules when you plunder. No, the one rule about plundering, there are no rules. It's like fight club. So I'm not sure if... I'm not sure if...

One of the rules of fight club, actually, if you're going to go into that. No, you didn't hear about the last few. But like two. If you read the list online, there's 35. There's a lot of rules to fight club. I will never correct you again. Here it's called ice club.

So the pirates took livestock silver and anything else they could grab. Sure. And then the ship spent about a week there capturing 110 people and they killed nine. At that point, a third ship arrived in the three sailed north but had to turn back

because of the brutal winds. So they headed south. And on the way, they came across a Danish merchant ship which they captured and then sank. It sounds like something he would do. It would be so funny to hear about Danish people dying.

It would be so weird if this podcast starts a war. So next they captured an English fishing boat. And when they came to the Westman Islands on July 16th which are on the south coast of Ireland and at that time called Vestamalajak.

Yes. Vestamalajak. It means the islands of the people in the west. No, it fucking doesn't. No, it does not. It fucks you. It's just like a prank. Are you guys playing a prank on us? Vestamalajak.

It means the people in the west. And you have to miss Ireland. I'm not kidding. Oh shit. We have no imagination. On the Westman Islands, they discovered a fishing village. They went ashore, not worried about being attacked

or having their slaves run off as much as they would on Iceland. And they captured 242 people. They burned down church warehouses as well as churches. They killed somewhere between 30 and 40 people. Jesus. They sailed for home three days later.

The descendants of the Vikings did not put up much of a fight. But someone did write it down because they're Icelanders. Farmer Klaus Eilsen. Literally every time he says a name we're both like... Eilsen?

Eilsen? Klaus Eilsen. Yeah, I think I nailed it. Klaus is not a regular Icelandic man. So... It's not? So maybe part of him. With German, is Dallas probably German?

He's probably a guy from an island or something. So he's like a German guy from an island? Yeah, a German guy from an island. So he rolled down just after the attack had happened. Quote, Some of the women lay dead cut to pieces beside their husbands. They were lying so disgracefully

that their clothes were always pulled up over the head so that they were most naked where they should have been the least. She'd make a great pair of pants. But wait. No, she's already got a hole. So wait, what is the...

What is the explanation for that? Like why did they... Because I think because they're Muslims they're super insulting to have the pussy out. If I... If I know my Koran correctly. But wait, so they're in a safe place right now.

Not on a slippery slope at all. Keep on going about the Muslims in Timatelia. But wait, what would they do with the dresses? They'd pull them up so that they were naked from the waist down, basically. So they wanted them to be in a degrading position when they were found.

Oh, okay, right. Now it's awkward. Everything was fine with the pants until he said to want to fuck them. Now it's weird. Can I start banging my pants? So, and to continue the quote,

in a word far and wide in the trading center and the fields dead bodies lay shot and stabbed and cut, not only of people, but also the livestock. Another farmer named Bjorn Jonsson later wrote a story of the attacks called Story of the Raid.

Well, I mean, literal, maybe you are. He nailed that shit. He said that the ones who were getting the most enjoyment out of attacking and mutilating people in the Westman Islands were former Christians who had converted to Islam. I won't hear that. They were the worst attackers by far.

Local Minister Olafer Egoson Yes, Olafer Sanna Mayer. Also wrote about the raids. The devil's people turned out to be spectacularly gruesome and ferocious. They encircled, shouted at and shot the people who searched

for the church. They probably weren't searching. They probably weren't trying to get there. I mean, they lived there, so they weren't like, where's the church? They knew where it was, and let's use the, hey, Mr. fucking Icelander, nail the words. How about you fucking use the right words, going to the church?

I can't find the church. No, we're very literal here. The bloodouts killed everybody who made the sign of the cross or uttered the name of Jesus, and finally they burned the church. Elderly and children were thrown into fire or left burning in houses. That's fine, though. They're not that great.

Those are my pants! So Elgrosson was also captured. Now, on the ships, the sailors treated the captured Icelanders relatively fairly, probably to be able to sell them for a higher price. So they didn't want them all beaten up and bruised.

Like, if you caught Danish people, like, they'd come back all black out. They'd be nice and pretty. Ready for sale. People are so kind to run for them, though. It's just, it's just so quiet, it's disturbing. So the captives were taken to

Algeria, and Iceland started to put together a collection to pay the ransom for those that they could afford to pay the ransom for. Okay. So all of Iceland started putting together. We need a kickstarter. Let's hand it out a bowl

and wait for it. Alright guys, come on, we're going to pass it around again. We really need to get these people. That is a bone and some old, holy necro pants. Sorry, I didn't mean to throw the bone in there. Sorry, man. We're just going to get another beer, man.

I need a drink. Now, we're going to wait. It's almost for me, that would be fucking awesome. We'll wait, I mean, obviously, how long do you need? Go get the beer. I think everybody here is fine with that. Two minutes, great. What's your last name?

Johanna. That's bullshit. That's like St. Jones. I don't buy that for a fucking second. Son of John, right? Johanna is the son of Johanna. That's hard to figure out. You know, sometimes I'm going to disagree with you.

It's absolutely no joke here. So now, at this time, there was basically always slave funds going on in Europe. Slave funds? Oh, funds. Pass around the scrotum. They were always trying to get funds together for different slaves that had been captured.

So, Denmark and other European countries joined in on the Icelandic slave fund. Yeah, okay. So, they're all putting in. Then, Jolifer Eggerson, nailed it, the pastor who had been captured in the Westman Islands and was sent by the Barbary Pilots.

He was sent by the Barbary Pilots to Denmark to beg for ransom to be paid. So, now they're sending the dude out. Right, so now they've got a pauper. Right, a pauper. Please, we pay for the people you stole. So, he makes it to Copenhagen and later back to Iceland.

And being a guy from Iceland, he kept a travel diary and wrote down everything. And a Frenchman who was a slave of the Barbary pirate Ali Bichen of who? Ali Bichen.

B-I-T-C-H-I-N Dude, his name is Bichen. His name is Ali. That's not the part I'm throwing the flag on. It's me, Bichen! Woo! Woo! So, there's nothing else to that.

I just found that name and I wanted to put it in. Bichen. It has nothing to do with the story. But it's skateboarding. Bichen! So, shit was not going well for the Icelandic captives. They started quickly dying from disease

once they landed in Algeria. Now, if you had skill back then like a doctor or ship captain, you were sold off for more at the slave market. Wow, so it's almost like a bachelor raffle. It's very much...

Do you guys have an Icelandic bachelor? Yes. Do you have the bachelor here? All right, cool. You don't know what the bachelor is? More reasons to move here. Back in the days of Skaure. Son of a single. You guys really don't...

You do? Do you guys have television? I saw. We had four channels in our hotel room. We were sick. We just kept changing them and laughing. So... So these guys are all dying.

Now, if you are a skill person like a ship captain or a doctor, you get sold for more and generally bought by someone who treats you better. But the Icelandic captives weren't considered quality slaves. Guthemur Halson... Nailed it.

Explains why. Nobody wanted to buy an ignorant people. Oh, it gets weird now, right? Because in... In Denmark, they love this part. Moreover, we did not have any skills for the hard labor

which this land demands. Also, they knew, which is very true, that nobody would trouble to buy us from here because they would not find any silver for ransom payments in our poor home country. So we had to oblige to live here for all of our lives and be their slaves

until our deaths. They called us beast-eel. Wow. For a minute, it sounded like an advantage. For a minute, it was like, you're useless! Get out of here! You're useless!

You live here forever. Until you die and we wear your pants. Which are your legs? That'd be so great to see I think do an Arab about necro pants. Once you put them on, you're like, this is the thing, like you know.

Once you put them on... It's slice. What's that thing that's called a forest kid? Any porous wine, like some kind of... That's a wine drop! But Guttemur had a great attitude about the whole thing.

We are sinners in deserving of punishment from the Almighty God yet in his mercifulness he has been lenient with us. We must thank God for the adversity. Wow. So he was like, I should be a slave. Thank you, God.

I get it. I was fucked up. I understand. My bad. Guttemur would spend years plowing fields with a hand tool and selling water in the city. And if he made over that, he could use his profits to buy clothes.

Wow. Just shirts, obviously. Well, someone's got incentive to sell this water. He had decent masters. Others were treated more brutally, also from Guttemur.

There is a great difference here between masters. Some captive slaves get good, gentle, or in-between masters, but some fortunate find themselves with savage, cruel, heart-hearted tyrants who never stopped treating them badly, who forced them to labor

in toil with scanty clothing and little food bound in iron fetters from morning till night. Well, at least you're in a sunny country. In that sun, we've never had that before. Since the lightning and all that. Being a very pale person, all I'm thinking

about is the fucking sunburns. If you're a fucking guy from Iceland and you get sent out, you're just burning. You're just bubble-red burning guy. Have you ever been out in the sun? I've heard about the sun.

You guys should look at it. I heard about the pink-orange thing that controls everything, also known as Donald Trump. Oh, our greatest president. Let him finish, guys. The Earth.

Let him finish the Earth. Let him finish, then let's judge, okay? I think he's gonna... It's only been nine days. Some Icelandic slaves did manage to write letters to people back in Iceland, but that was not easy.

Quote, everybody knows everybody's business here, therefore men have to sneak away to write in secret when the rest are sleeping. Wait. You have to write secret letters from the other slaves. I like you going to...

What are you doing? Nothing. Are you masturbating? I'm not writing a letter to man who lives on Ireland. Sounds very specific for what you're not doing. Also, because the pirates raided entire towns, they took whole families

who stayed in touch and out jeers. When Jan Eonsson was grabbed, so was his mother Gudrun, his brothers Helgi and Joinnin. It's the fucking weird D thing again. Joinnin. Let's have

a good time. Joinnin. Jo-ho. Oh, you mean Kevin? What? How is that the fucking what? It's Kevin. It's not...

Yeah, if I... I'm not... You do the N twice? We have two Ns, yes. It means that it sounds like I mean, I don't know. Fuck me.

Holy shit. They also took his uncles Haldor and Jan. His mother was ransomed a year later by a Dutch guy and brought back to Iceland. So she's, you know, that guy was like... I want an older lady. She was known as

Turkish Gudda. Yeah, like her name is Gudrun. Gudda is short. Gudda, of course. And she wasn't... she spent time with Turkish people, so she was called

Turkish Gudda. She's very famous, also known as Sofia Hansen. Oh, no, we haven't got... We haven't gone there yet. That's not her. That's a different one. That's a different one. He jumped the Turk. Which is a great game, too. Quote.

He started to cry. Watching your tongue and your mouth do that was... There should be a close-up and then back here on a screen. My mouth just going, I want to die. Yeah, Hansen started to cry for he had not been allowed to go

although a great sum of payment had been offered for him. God's grace enlightens our souls and touches our hearts. They don't get what slavery is. They're just like, this is great. God loves us. Thank you, God. That's awesome. Appreciate your plan. Job is a job. In this economy?

I got fucking work, right? I'm giving out water to people on the street. What could be better? Please buy my water. There's some over there. Buy this shit, please. I pissed in that water. That's the move. I peed in all the fresh water. I only have the water.

John also wrote of the brutality as their masters tried to get them to convert. There was a woman here whom they stripped the clothes from and burned at the stake. So she's probably not going to convert. I feel like... I've had a change of heart.

I see the light. Some people here have been hung by their feet in a whip with ropes but have managed to defend themselves so that many have survived thanks be to God, his holy name forever and ever. See, at that point I'd probably not...

I mean, I'm not a religious person. But who is this person? Who is like, this is great. Beat them! Thank you! God is showing me how to fucking roll. I was just thinking because we've been talking about the great Turkish robbery for a long time.

It doesn't stand there that we had... They actually had a law in our country that it was legal to kill a Turkish person which wasn't abolished until the 1970s. No! No!

Shut the fuck up! It was just laying there in our country. So you could have killed if you were like that. I would like to murder someone. Turkish guys that I'm playing can fucking shoot him and be like, look it up, bitch.

Oh, you left that one laying there. Somebody corrected it. So somebody was like, holy shit, look at this one. It's a bad look. It's like skin pants. It's gonna be weird. This is the worst thing since skin pants.

This is the worst thing since skin pants. Scans. I disagree. I think it's... You know it's about time we brought back that legislation to the United States. Shit. No, it's too real.

This country's legal. Bring it. Over time, some slaves are ransom. A few of the Icelandic slaves were lost and some managed to escape. Others went for it and converted to Islam. That option came with freedom but presented other problems.

Once you converted to Islam, you could never return to your Christian homeland. Ah, freedom. It's like being... They're countries. So there was some communication. Some captives managed to write letters that reached family members in Iceland,

such as from Gutamor. Sweet God, help. What the fuck? Help. He wrote his letter two years after being captured. Accounts of the Iceland slaves varied. But it wasn't all bad. One Danish slave wrote of his heart felt goodbye when he was ransomed.

This is from Hans Jochim Sakrum. Fuck, who gives a shit. I mean, he's Danish, right? Why do I get that right? Quote. Quote, I drew nearer in order to kiss my master's foot as it is always done by persons

of inferior station who wants to give thanks for some particular. But my master withdrew his foot and gave me his hand to kiss. Ah, the honor. I shed a tear at that very instant. But that is an honor. And it was close that the master did too

not utter a word but looked at me as someone moved by sorrow or joy. That's quite a gesture. I don't know if you guys have ever been a slave. But if you're... Because usually in the slave thing

I'm involved in I lick the butthole. But if my master is like you can lick the taint I cry. I cry. You may kiss me instead.

Because that's... It's a gift. But you go from that foot. It's an... Sir, you're kidding. Your hand? My god, what an honor. Oh my god, I can't believe you. I can't believe you owned me for ten years.

Oh god, who's slaving who? I swear, I'm so lucky. This is life in the winner's circle. What is slavery anyway? We're finally getting to the questions. There were slaves that preferred to stay instead of being ransom and sometimes

slaves and their masters missed each other so much that they would continue to write each other letters after the slave was freed and sent back to his country. That is... That's just Stockholm syndrome, right? Dear son of man who sits near a tree.

I miss you so much. Sometimes I get up in the morning and no one is there to wipe my bottom and I think of you. Dear sir, if only I were there to clean your bottom with whatever part of me you wanted to. I'll never forget the moment you gestured

your hand towards me instead of your foot. It's an honor I think of it daily while I'm surrounded by these weird people who are son of everything. God damn it, I miss it so. Please write back. Send ball coins. Good Amur managed to have his ransom paid

after two and a half years. He was put aboard an English ship with a hundred dollars in his pocket. As the ship got close to England, four sailors murdered him. Took his money and dumped him overboard. In that order? Like, at all at once?

Yeah, four guys killed him together and then threw him overboard and took his money. Sounds like a wonderful dance kind of you know. They all surrounded him, stabbed him at once. How did it happen? Please explain. We don't know. He was... The Iceland guy died in that situation

so no one wrote it down. The English... Someone write this down! We've killed the man who writes. Bastard! Bugger! Bastard! Bugger! The English people were like, I don't know how to write. Well draw a picture for God's sake. I don't know how to do that.

Just explain it to someone who might. I like football, you can't. Alright, I feel like we might be losing this in history, Kevin. Good tomorrow's family then received a letter the next year explaining he had been murdered and that his possessions were being stored in Bristol

and if they didn't come from Iceland to pick up his stuff, it would be confiscated. Wait, what? Why would you... Okay, two things. Why would you not sugarcoat it? And be like, ah, he fell! Overboard! And all his possessions fell out before he fell overboard. Also,

whenever you get a chance, swing by, he's got a bunch of stuff. Great pants, tons of coins. They don't care, they're like, we gotta write the fucking people in Iceland who give a shit. But it's like an estate sale. They're still mad about the dried fish situation

that happened a century before. You'll get there. If you were having their ransoms paid, we're having it done by private people or organizations, not authorities who are seriously dragging their feet. For most slaves, years passed and no ransom was paid.

A letter from... Oh, fuck me, read that top one there, they're red. That's the most ridiculous one I've seen. What the fuck is that? That's not a name. That's like something seen as Science Magazine. Like, what's the bug called? And then you get fucking that shit.

I mean, if you've not thought that it's not the interest, it's part of the bag. Wait, what is the part of Gvudri? What just happened? Why is applause happening? It's not supposed to be that I... I guess it meant something else a long time ago.

What does it mean? Well, Gvud means God. Oh, God. The river. What's happening? It means... I don't know, there's no other word for it. It means Fox.

So... God, Fox. It didn't mean it at the time. Because it basically means God rides. But we didn't use the same word for riding as we used for fucking. Oh, shit.

Maybe that's what he was. Maybe he was the guy who fucked God. No, God fucked a Fox. Look, God ain't getting fucked by anybody. Yeah, God fucks... He does the fucking. God fucks the daughter of Simon. The name is God.

The meaning of the name Gvudri is God fucks the daughter of Simon. But it meant it meant something more dignified back then. I doubt it. You guys were very literal. You shouldn't have handed me this iPad.

No. Son of Apple. So anyway, God who fucks the daughter of Simon arrived in 1635. I'm here. After eight years in captivity, he was from the Westman Islands...

Oh, sorry, she was from the Westman Islands where she had been married to a fisherman. She was also apparently attracted which doomed her to the fate of similar women who were captured. She was sold off as a concubine to rich Arab and her son was sold with her. Unfortunately,

only the beginning of her letter has survived. The letter is seen as strangely impersonal. It starts with a long Christian blessing and formally adjusts to her husband. Then she describes her life a little bit saying she is glad she was sold to the same person as her son but she's worried about her son every day

and at that point the letter is torn or I assume ripped in half by her husband. Many believe this letter was to get ransom and was probably not written by her. So the Icelandic slaves lived like this for ten years. Then after a decade, King Christian IV of Denmark

came to an agreement to buy out an Icelandic captive but it still took almost a year to complete the process. They continued to negotiate. Some slave owners' demands were too high. The amount of money was what it was and they had to get as many slaves

for it as possible. So they had the fund. They were like, we can only get as many as we can. That means you're taking mostly the shitty ones because you want to buy the high priced ones. It's just... Trust me. I like your bargain bin slaves. You're top shelf slaves.

The slaves in Salle were not part of the deal. In the end, the king paid the ransom and 27 of the Icelandic leaders were freed from captivity. What's her name? What's her first name again? Gwerðir Íðir. Gwerðir Íðir? Gwerðir Íðir?

Gwerðir Íðir? Gwerðir Íðir? Christ! What's her name again? Gwerðir Íðir. SLAV Gwerðir Íðir, Gwerðir Íðir.

Gwerðir Íðir. See you, bro The newly freed slaves made their way to Copenhagen there They had to relearn all about Christianity and the man who was given the job of Re-teaching me Icelanders about Jesus was Halgrimmer Peterson Yeah, how come I took a liking to one of the women in the group Girl, they are Oh boy

Her what's one the God the one that got the one I was you are there God's God's lady God's fuck fuck fuck her whatever by the time He had finished teaching her about Jesus. He had put a baby in her What was God's tank? He was like bitch? No, God wants me to come in you What that's how I did it that's what you said to yeah After they were well-versed in Christianity they returned to the Westman Islands where God here's fuck it husband had been when she was taken

So now she's returning after a decorate decade is a comp you buying in a baby in her, right? Right. Yeah, that was to talk about Fortunately for everyone involved her old husband was dead He had drowned a year earlier though. He had also taken up with another woman But this meant the two expecting parents were not adulterers. So fucking win-win Thank God, everybody wins. Thank God. Who has sex with me? That is great news But actually not that great because how good my How Grimer was

Fuck yeah does He was 16 years younger Then go to her there's the clock fox Which was a huge no-no an Icelandic culture They were also not married when their child was born So that was strike two and thirdly is because she had been a concubine and many people considered her a whore Even though she was forced through slavery. They treat her like shit. How do they love you ever met? Yeah, I love that idea of like she did what she was forced to do whore. Thank you one clap

It's always good to hear the sound of like one bird dying in the room just one wing And because this is Iceland how Grimer wrote and became a foot famous poet after being ordained So he got he's still after all this he got ordained Of course because of social bullshit. He was sent to one of the poorest and least desirable parishes his Poetry was very Jesus heavy particularly his greatest work hymns of the passion which you guys fucking love Yes, it's got pain and violence in it. What's more to love? But it eventually been eye-opening. Yeah, this is fucking really something welcome to the heart of darkness But eventually he started making money and they did okay

The work consists of 50 hymns describing and interpreting the passion and death of Christ the hymns have been published every four years since 1666 because people want to be buried with them. Wait, what? It has been published every four years since 1666 because people want to be buried with them. Yes, it's It's probably so that people won't cut your skin off They are still read on Icelandic state radio during lent want him each evening But Halgrimer what had to give up his service to the church in 1669 because he caught leprosy

That happens and he moved her to Farm for sick love where he died in 1674 Over time Halgrimer and Dave I'm gonna I think I speak for everyone I say I think you're quitting on the pronunciation a little bit I gave up starting to naturally became characters of folklore and stories She was portrayed as a malicious quick to argue and semi-even woman who wrecked a life of the poor poet She was even nicknamed Turkish Gouda. She died in 1682

That's it. Jesus. That's it. This is this is the Icelandic history. You knew all this to you Did you know all this? It's all true. Yes, I knew most of it except for the things I didn't know Fair to categorize that's actually that's actually has given name Holy shit, it's so weird because I've been walking around here a few days like this place is great There's another side of the coin that you're putting in your friend's balls This is what happens if you have a podcast that is basically just human history You will find out that all human settlement is spilt on a graveyard of pain and destruction Why are you surprised?

It's which is you know what Indian burial ground you should write you should write for the Icelandic travel board Yeah, yeah, I keep the dutch out No, but it's true. It's true, but um, I mean our history is terrible and a nightmare and we ignore it But still this is a sort of comic book nightmare. I find Yeah Can I just say we could travel the world and no one will have done anything as fucked up as worn skin pants That's just the craziest shit ever. Yes, but we only did that on top of you guys But here's here's why that's crazy. It's not crazy because it's savage. It's crazy because it's a fashion faux pas

And we didn't make those We were very clear we would wear sacks on our legs or whatever and nine pound birds on our head. Yeah Well, all right, Dave. Let's not get into the hats. We're talking like two million birds. Look. Yes, for sure We wore hats. Yeah, we made nests that we wore for sure. We're not normal in America. I Don't know if you've been watching the news Okay, so You guys thank you for coming out. Thank you so much You guys get the fuck out of here now baby center baby center all we need is to for a standing ovation baby center

Those two standing ovation the rest of you I just want to tell you people that I am not done I have another podcast a live one over at hurrah in five minutes Which is where now and it's called Australia. It's a podcast about family values and titty fucking For you guys to be there if there is room for all of you see you then so We are going to because some people flew here from other countries to see this crazy Which is the crazy very and we're very very thankful. We're very concerned about you. You can go you can get out of here

All right, there we go So we talk we told people if they if they came from another country they could have a drink with us But you can all come have a drink with us if you want to those of you came and are like this was a bummer Yeah, you don't have to drink with us unless you want to try to convert us to Christ or whatever happens But we're gonna go to the bar where he's doing his podcast and we'll be there to have a is it close Okay, great. So yeah, what's that? Well, I'm not looking for directions right now. I mean I appreciate it, but it's close. Okay, it's close So if you guys if you guys want to say hello or have a drink we would love to see you. Yes, usually we don't do this

but But the tickets are so crazy that we're willing to do it. We're in fucking Iceland Why wouldn't we talk to people? So yeah, if you want to go there and again like Dave? I mean we appreciate it so much coming here hanging out and doing a show is pretty overwhelming even after learning where you come from and Yeah, and I checked into the hotel across the street and I was like, do you know where the show is? Oh good now people know where we live harpa places and the woman was like it's right there is like No, where's the actual place? Yeah, so this was fucking amazing

Yeah, and all the people who work at harpa been unbelievable. We love ice and some like literally you weren't good unbelievable Thank you so much guys. We appreciate the fuck