The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 265 - Judge Roy Bean (Live in Austin)

Episode Date: May 11, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Kath Barbadoro to examine Judge Roy Bean of Texas. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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Come on you guys the Padres let's get it together. Easy that's our baby. Welcome to my comedy show. I've been doing this podcast for a... What's happening? A little while now. Okay. Sorry boys. You're listening to the dollop. This is a... I'm sorry I'm distracted by your pants which are bones. Skeleton on the outside. Okay. This is an American History Podcast. Each week I... Dave Anthony. Father. Come on. Come on. Come on. Baseball lover. Come on. Actor. Come on. Director. Comedian. Buddy over here. Writer. Hey. Slayer of Dragons. Don't touch me. Guardian of the North. Dave Anthony. They're shutting down because of you.

Read the story from American History to his friend. Garrett Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. It is third person. I switched. I switched to third person. Oh whatever. What are they saying? What's going on with the left side? No opinions? Nothing? It's like the Senate. Oh I know you. The fuck. Let's get a bill throw. I know that guy. Let's bring up our guest who if you're at the first show you will know that she is fucking hilarious. I saw her on... I first saw her on the Twitters and then I'd watched her comedy. I was like, she's funny. And then and then she opened for Patton Oswald and Patton Oswald was like, she's fucking

funny. So we asked her to come down and do this and if he didn't like the first show, Gary's job's in trouble. Oh boy. Well it's Gareth. I don't know what I said. Ladies and gentlemen, Kath Barbadoro. Hi. I just saw you in the green room. So I don't have to act like it. No it's fun to pretend. Oh my god. Oh my god. First time ever. How you been? I don't even. 1825. Fantaly Roy Bean Jr. Start again. Yeah. What? Fanta... what? Was that an adverb or a name? Fantaly. It's his name. Fantaly. Is that a European soft drink? It's a... It is a modification of the name Fauntleroy. It's a... it's a Texas version of

Fauntleroy. Fantaly. Actually this is... he was born in Kentucky. So I take that back. Okay. Fantaly Roy Bean Jr. was born in Mason County. Bean? Junior's the only part that works. Fantaly Bean. Fantaly Bean. Fantaly Bean. Yeah. Normal kid name. Sure. For the 1800s. Sounds like a Cobain. He was born in Mason County, Kentucky, to Fantaly Roy and Anna Henderson Gore Bean. What? Gore Beans? Gore Beans. Gore Hyphen Bean? Fantaly Roy was the dad's name. Sizzlin' helping clarify. It's not easy already. The mom's name was Anna Henderson Gore Bean. The worst name people ever. Gore Bean. Oh, we lost the gore because it

sounded crazy. Never just Fantaly Beans. He was the youngest of five children. Most of his life he was just called Roy. Thank God. Because that would be a fucking nightmare for me. Hey, F-Bean! It's Fantaly... Can you spell that? Fantaly Bean. And no. It's... it starts with an F. It's a Ph. Fuck you. So Roy got what was considered a traditional frontier education. He became familiar with guns and animals. These are mountains. This is you. The traditional mountain education, which is none. Good luck. This is a book. Won't need that. He became familiar with animals, including butchering, and he learned how to make a

swap. I'm sorry, a what? A swap, where you get you're like, I will trade you this husk. Oh, he learned how to make a swap. Make a swap. A swap. When you use the make swap. I'll trade names. Please. I'll trade you this case of beer for that boy. Done! We're not idiots, yes. He became used to not to getting by on not very much and he learned how to fight and drink whiskey. What matters. That's a frontier education. What matters. His total formal education in a log schoolhouse was about three months. Plenty. Take that Rosetta Stone. Piece of shit. Was he talking to an actual Rosetta Stone? I can't believe how much I've paid for this rock.

$400 and this fucking rocks just gonna teach me Portuguese. I've been sleeping with the rock again. In 1847 Roy's older brother Sam Bean came home and said he'd been fat in the Mexicans. Oh boy. If you have your names Bean and you're like involved in like that's got to be very complicated. Oh great. Bean! No, I'm here to get you. We picked the beans? No, don't. God damn it. I don't even know. They're not. Sam didn't stay home for long and he set out again across the plains. This time he took Roy with him. In Independence Missouri they picked up mules in a wagon and spent all their money on a stock of

goods for trading and joined a wagon train. They're headed to Santa Fe. Santa Fe. But the brothers declined. Santa Fe. Santa Fe. Santa Fe. Santa Fe. It's Santa. Where Santa lives. But for the Spanish people. Hey, I didn't get your letter. Let's do this. Hey, it's me. Santa Fe. The brothers decided that there was more money to be had in Chihuahua, Mexico. Oh man, I thought you were gonna say dogs. Yeah. Just breathe in Chihuahuan. Well that would have been the best story ever. Chihuahua. So in Mexico they sold everything they could, including whiskey, and the locals translated their names to Spanish and called them Los Frijoles.

Yes! It's amazing. How did they... These are beans too. Huh? These are beans. How do they translate fantaly into Spanish? Pinto. Meet my best friends. Pinto beans. Hola. Si. No bullshit. A little dry. So Roy settled in, learned some Spanish, went to

cock fights, drank tequila, and hooked up with some Mexican girls. He was very handsome, arrogant, and very loud. Well, that explains why the women went to him. Thanks for good for a year or two until a local Mexican tough guy decided he wanted to clear out all the gringos from the town. His first target was... We'll build a wall! And while it's so unbelievable, you're not even going to believe it, okay? Keep them out! You'll pay for it with the beans! And by the way, America's going to pay for the wall! Fuck them! So this guy decided Roy was going to be the first guy that he targeted to drive out

of town, and then Roy... So he starts with one? Well, yeah, one guy at a time. You first, that's all. Get out. Go. That guy! We don't like your beans here anymore. You're a pretty guy! So Roy shot him between the eyes and killed him. So that whole idea is over. And what happened, then it was over. Yeah, if you shoot a guy here. Because of the murder? Yep. Yeah, okay. Just wanted to make sure it was because of the murder. Well, it wasn't a murder. They did a gunfight and Roy was better at it.

Right, right. Well, it feels murdery. I'm not going to... It's not a murder, it's a policy change. The other guy... The other guy was the aggressor. He was trying to drive Roy out, and Roy was like, Roy's like, I don't want to do that. And then he put one right there. Again. The Americans said it was a fair fight. Both men had guns and they were shooting each other. But the Mexicans saw it as murder. And then the... Guess who said I'm on? Shocker.

The Frijoles slipped out of town in the middle of the night and wag his loaded with their goods. And Roy headed to San Diego, where another of his brothers, Joshua, lived. Joshua there was very wealthy and respected and he became San Diego's first mayor in 1850. Roy took advantage of Josh's money. He bought fancy suits and modeled himself after a Mexican gentleman. Okay. And in 1851, Josh was appointed Major General of the State Militia and he moved to San Gabriel while Roy stayed in San Diego. All right. So at a bar one night, a Scotsman was bragging about his shooting ability.

I'll tell you two things. All you need is a scope and a dream. Bloody hell. I'm pissed as a fuck. No, nothing good starts with a Scotsman was bragging about his shooting ability. Or tell you a couple things. But my shooting ability. Can we close our tab? Can we close it out? Yeah, all under that one. Yeah, that one. The card I gave you earlier. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. It's been a long night.

Roy, in return, started bragging about his shooting ability and the Scotsman suggested that they have a shooting match. Well, the next logical step is one dies. Let's not be foolish. So Roy agreed to a shooting match and then the Scotsman... A shooting match. They're just going to shoot at targets. Okay, all right. Okay.

And then the Scotsman suggested that they shoot while riding galloping horses. Oh, hell yeah. Do you mind if I add a complication? And Roy agreed. Of course. This is the improv attitude. Yes, and. And then the Scotsman asked what the target should be and Roy suggested each other. Okay, so, okay. All right. So, uh, all right. Good. It's always good when men get drunk.

Always a sound thing is going to come out of it. Yes, and we should shoot at each other. Yes. And let me have some water. The Scotsman wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he also didn't want to back down in front of a bunch of people, so he agreed. Of course. Yeah. And the locals and merchants were thrilled. Okay.

Because they knew a bunch of crowds would come into town to see the two guys shooting each other. Oh, they're playing the Super Bowl in your city. So, instead of stopping it, the sheriff told the two men they had to shoot away from the crowds. That's got to be an amazing moment when he shows up. Guys, guys! Hey! Make sure you don't hit any of the people in the crowd. Okay. Let's not lose our heads over here. I know you're on a horse and it's like...

You guys can lose your heads, not any of the innocent bystanders. Right. Yeah, we don't want to hit them. Boy, I'm glad I came out today. Hey. Smart. So, as held on February 24th, 1852 on Main Street in San Diego, the streets were lined with people. Everyone's like, this is going to be great. Two guys are going to shoot each other on horses. Hey! No ducking allowed, pussies. So, they galloped around each other trying to get a good shot.

This is not bloody easy! Hey! Fucking hell! Christ! Oh, I dropped my water! Roy then shot the Scotsman in the leg and then shot his horse. Seems like cheating. Seems like cheating. Shoot the horse. And the man and the horse went down and then... From what? Gunshots? Was that it? Just got tired.

Fuck me! Roy... I wouldn't have won if it wasn't for that crump! The horse got it too! The sheriff then stopped it and arrested both of them and charged them with assault with intent to murder. What? That is entrapment! Y'all saw it! Y'all saw it!

What? So Chris Hansen just walked out? Hi. You guys thought you were here for a duel? Gonna need you both to take a seat. Want some of those lemonade? Do you guys have condoms on you? Obviously the Scotsman does. Yeah. So the Scotsman was also accused of challenging to fight a duel and Roy was charged with accepting a challenge to fight a duel.

So they hit him with all the charges he could get it with. Offsetting technical fouls. But on April 14th, how many days later is that? Oh, it's a while. He's been in jail for a couple of months. On April 14th, 1852, Roy broke out of jail with the help from female admirers who had smuggled tools to him in his jail cell. Wow, he was that good? Been there. Been there.

I mean, you meet a nice fella. You want to hang on to him? You know he's the one if you're putting a knife in banana bread. Yeah! It happens. I've got the butterflies. But then there's another lady with the knife in banana bread. You're like, who are you here to see? Wait, wait, who are you here to see?

Sorry, I just wanted, who are you here to see? Roy? Roy's my, I'm here to see Roy. Who are you here to see? I'm also seeing Roy. Nice Bunt Cake bitch. What do you got in there? Don't worry about it. Nail file.

What do you have in there? Yeah. She's stabbing me with cake! So he breaks out of jail and he goes to Los Angeles. So he breaks out of jail because the guards are like, man, you love pastry. Here you go, Roy. How do you not get any weight? I don't know. Lights out, huh?

So he goes to Los Angeles where his brother Josh now owned the headquarters saloon, which was the largest of three saloons in Los Angeles. And on Sundays, he entertained with horse races and cock fights and other things of that name. Sure, cool stuff. Mexican circuses. Snatchmen riding on horses, shooting each other. Large crowds were very common, so were people getting in fights, and that's the town Roy came into. He strutted the streets in a sombrero and embroidered pants.

So what's his deal? He's like, I'm Mexican. Yeah, so you're frijoles. Yeah, I'm frijoles. Well, I think it's like the fucking fashion of the time. In Los Angeles at that time, it's mostly Mexican, I believe. But he's just dressing up. It's like now you go to Coachella and you wear the Indian headdress and then you would wear the sombrero.

It's much like Coachella. He's like, I identify as Mexican. Liberals. Frijole, you guys know what I'm talking about. All right. Some perverts like, that's what frijole means. He always had two guns in his belt and a bowie knife in his boot. The ladies loved him, he developed a reputation for bragging, dueling, and gambling on cockfights.

Those are all very interconnected. Josh Bean made Roy a lieutenant in the state militia and a bartender at the saloon, hoping that would settle him down. Wait, what did he make him? He made him what? A lieutenant in the state militia and a bartender at the saloon. Lieutenant, another gin. I don't know if you get a second, and those jalapeno poppers, I don't know, yeah.

Sir. I feel bad for Josh Bean. His brother's name is Fantilly Frijole, and his name is Josh Bean. It's not great. That's a tough life to have to live up to. I'm actually related to frijole. Sure you are, Bean. Shut up, loser.

One Sunday night, as Josh was headed home from the saloon after a Mexican circus. Specific kind of circus. He was headed home to his house, and he was shot twice, once in the chest, and he staggered to a nearby house and died the next morning. Jesus. Cipriano Sandoval, a Mexican cobbler, was accused, and he and two others were hung for the crime. What? That happened very quickly.

We just got to know them, and now they're gone. That's it. They were very small players. Right away. Oh, good to meet you. Oh, you got hung. Okay, cool. So the cobbler got hung for the crime.

Yeah. But most people in Los Angeles believed Joaquin Moreta had, aka the Mexican Robin Hood, had done it. Wait, don't just drop that. Yeah. AKA according to whom? Yeah. The people he would… Let's talk about frijole talk.

He would rob from rich people and give to poor people, so he's the next Robin Hoodie. He sounds very Robin Hoodie. Yeah. Okay, okay. But he just was a Mexican guy, so they were like, well, you can't be Robin Hood because that guy's white. But Josh had been making moves on the Mexican Robin Hood's lady, so then Posse went out and came back with Joaquin's head, which they put in a jar and then was sent to a San Francisco

saloon to put on the shelf. It's totally just normal shit. What year is this? I mean, it's a while ago. It's 1852. It's when you put heads in jars. Still unacceptable. We stopped putting heads in jars in like…

When did we stop? 1870-ish. But you can still get some at antique stores. Anyway, a bunch of guys died for one crime, and Roy inherited the saloon. A Mexican military officer intended to marry a Mexican girl, but she was not on board, so Roy came to the rescue. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He intended to just one-sided.

It's like a very… Come on, good struggling. I don't means I do. It's very… It's a very moving wedding vows. Yeah, it's a… Where are your families? They've been weird.

Quick, get out of here. So Roy came to the rescue and ran off of there, and then the officer challenged Roy to a duel, and Roy just shot him dead. That's a good way of saying yes. Yeah, I won. How many duels are we up to now? Two, just two. Just two?

How many more are there? It gets weird. Not a good answer. Because if there were no more, he'd go, no, no, it doesn't go that direction. Not liking how the duel turned out, the officer's friends captured Roy and hung him. Roy's gone? Well, he's not. What is happening?

He's a stuntman. He's a ghost now. It was about his ghost. Either the horse they put Roy on failed to bolt, or the rope stretched, which allowed Roy to reach with his little footsies down to the ground and keep himself hanging there. You know, out of the two, I want the horse not bolting. Where you're just like, oh, you're a good boy. You're a good boy, huh?

You want to know, you like carrots? You know what carrots are? Yeah, you do. Tell you what, I know where all the carrots are. I'll give you all the carrots you want. No, those other guys weren't good to you. You should be wild, huh? Do me a favor and arch your back, a smidge.

Little touch will go to where all the carrots are. Little touch, little mini-arch, huh? Oh, God, I knocked over my carrot cart. Easy, buddy. No! Thank God it's bendy rope. It's like bungee-ing. This is actually fun.

I feel like I'm on the moon's atmosphere. But I love that there are actually a group of guys put a noose around a guy and put him on a horse and go, see you later, fucker! And then actually leave. Instead of hanging him, it's like, we're hacks. You're a James Bond villain. And then when the horse moves, you'll die.

But before he does, let's all get out of here. Yeah, no need to make sure this happens. What are the odds it doesn't? Oh, a minor percentage. It'd be cooler if we roll. Yeah. So the girl who he had, this was all over, cut him down. And for the rest of his life, he had a scar from the,

just like in the movie with the Clint Eastwood character. He has an actual rope scar on his neck. He frequently wore a bandana. So collar shirts were in. Yeah. Well, he wore a bandana and he grew his beard long enough to cover it, which... So he's got a long... Ladies, if you are dating a guy with a beard, make sure you check.

That's all I'm saying. Motherfucker, what's up? Are you hanging with a scar? What are you doing? Oh, no, that's from prom. At least he didn't go with an ascot. His neck was stiff for the rest of his life, and he'd either have to turn his whole body

or look out of the corner of his eye to see to the side. That's a guy you want to go straight on at. Yeah, yeah. Nothing. Never mind. Nothing. Nope, nope. Don't worry about it.

No, I was just asking if you were... I was asking if you're good. No, it's all good. No, nothing, dude, honestly. Talk to who you were talking to. I don't want any part of that. No, and don't talk to him like that. You know what?

Don't talk. You move like... Yeah, you're like Stevie Wonder with Spinal Fusion. You're problematic. Roy's fortunes took a downturn. Many in California were bankrupt post-Gold Rush, and Roy ran the saloon into the ground. So he moved on and he went to New Mexico

and tracked down his brother, Sam. Sam was running a combination store, eating house, saloon, hotel, and gambling den. Pizza and Taco Bell combo. Honestly. Literally every road stop you see when you're on a freeway now. It's like a suburb...

Yeah, we're a subway sandwich gas station when we have showers and we can sell you plates. What's your deal? It is the Old West version of a truck stop. Yeah. So he also ran a freighting and hauling business, and he was the sheriff of Donna Anna County. Of where?

Donna Anna County. Sure. The county was so big it was impossible for one man to cover, so he didn't carry a gun and he just kind of let things sort itself out. Is that the attitude that is okay? It's not a good sheriff.

Mine over my head. Whatever. So Roy, when he shows up, he's dead broke. He has nothing. Sam gave him clothes and money to spend. And the civil war broke out and miners started to leave to join the fight. Roy supported the Confederates

and claims he served in the war with a small group he organized known as the Free Rovers. But I thought it was going to be the Free Holace. He really missed an opportunity there. Honestly. I got one note, Roy. Here come the Free Holace!

What? They may take our lives, but they'll never take our Free Holace! But there are no records of the Free Rovers or Roy's service. That's interesting. So people either think he didn't serve or that he didn't want to be tied down

by actually signing up, so he was just like a roving band of assholes. Just wanted to kill some people, all right? It has to just be bullshit. Probably. Either way, after the Battle of Glorieta Pass, when New Mexico lost to the Union, the Beans, Sam and Roy retreated south into Texas.

All right. Bean country. But before they left, Sam went to Santa Fe for a few nights, and Roy left and left Roy with instructions on how to open the safe in his business and put the money in at night. Instead of doing that, Roy opened the safe and took all the money and left.

Yeah. Yeah. He is one bad Free Holy! That's where Santa lives. Yeah. So he was in San Antonio, and Roy went into the hauling business. What happened? Nothing.

People are excited about San Antonio for some reason. Congratulations. It's a beautiful place. I've never been there. I've been there. It also assures. No, they have a movie theater. I love how Texas cities hate each other as if you're...

Yeah, you're too big. Yeah. That's a problem. It's a country. That isn't... I mean... It's like three Francis, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course, people like San Antonio, they're weird. If there's one unit of measurement that people in Texas don't know, it's the size of France. You mean freedom? Freedom?

What's Texas like? Three Francis, maybe four Spain? You know, it's three European pussy nations or one regular. You know, it's like when you go through a drive-through and they got medium-large, extra-large. France is small. We're big gulps. We're like non-Amsterdams.

You're talking about the state that's 25 Luxemburgs, bitch. Get your head out of your ass. Don't mess with 25 Luxies. By the way, do you guys know where the phrase don't mess with Texas comes from? Dave. It was... Garbage.

Yeah. Back in the day in the early 80s, they were like, how do we get Texans to clean up their state that they keep throwing garbage on? And some ad guy came up with the phrase, don't mess with Texas, meaning don't put shit on the ground in Texas. And you guys act like it's a badass thing.

It's amazing to think someone's throwing a wrapper on a ground because they're like, don't mess with Texas, we're cycling. Like it was intended. That slogan definitely outlived the concept of recycling in Texas. Oh yeah, yeah. One world, no. Texas and then everywhere else, two worlds, bitch. So in San Antonio, Roy went into the hauling business

selling guns to Confederate soldiers. What just happened? We're going to get shot after this is what people are very excited. I don't know, I'm very scared right now. Wait, so what happened? He went into the hauling business selling guns to Confederate soldiers and then these guys cheered, which makes me think they're on the other side. Well, remember, Dave, don't mess with Texas.

From me. Making good money, he went back to wearing fancy clothes and smoking expensive cigars. He was arrogant and had a hair trigger temper. He drank, swore, and conned anybody he could, but when the war... It's an amazing order. ...but when the war ended, so did his business, and he was immediately poor again. Aw.

What's going on down there, gentlemen? You got it? You got it? All right. That guy. Don't mess with... Podcast recordings. Roy moved into a vacant house on the banks of San Pedro Creek.

Then a guy bought it from the actual owner. Why don't we do that more? It's literally just a lack of gumption, where it's just like, just go somewhere and be like, yeah, live here. Oh, you do? All right. I'm going to move. I don't know where. There's other places. Just have a real estate agent show you the house, and she goes,

okay, it's time to go. No, I live here now. Yeah. Just say squatters rights? No one knows. Squatters rights. Squatters rights. You got 30 days.

Oh my God. So we had cockroaches. We got rid of them. Now we have squatters. So the new owner comes to tell Roy, that he owns the house, and then Roy's... That's a problem for me. Yeah, Roy's like, well, I live here, so good luck with that.

So I don't know what your paperwork says, but I'm here. Kind of my deal. And then the guy sued Roy, and Roy was fined $63 by the court. That's why. Why don't we do it? Months of free rent for $63. All right, I'll leave.

Oh, fuck. But because of that, it was a lot more than... Still, months, months of rent. So Roy... When's your lease up? Moom. Pigs come.

When pigs come? Yeah. Better than when they fly. Just if I see pigs coming, I'm like, all right, I'm out of here. All right, that's a pregnant hog. I'm out. So Roy asked for a new trial,

because he lost the first one, and then they held it, but they didn't invite him. Surprise! And he lost that one. Because he didn't come. And then the sheriff was... The sheriff was sent to a victim, and then when the sheriff showed up,

somehow Roy got the new owner to pay all his moving expenses and throw in a jug of whiskey. Roy's amazing. Amazing. And then he left. This guy. No wonder women are baking him cakes to get out of prison.

Multiple cakes. Listen to him. No, now when I hear it from your perspective, it makes sense. I'll pick it up. No, I didn't realize you got so attached. So Roy moved to a very poor half-calfields, half-Mexican slum on the edge of town.

Okay. And he married Maria Anastasia Virginia Chavez, who was about 15. Roy was 40. So... Is that weird for anyone? No, I don't think so. I mean, what do we even talk about? How many names we have?

With that in common. They had a very, very rocky relationship. Was it the age difference? So is that a bit of a rub, do you think? At one point, he burned her with a stick from the fireplace. Just classic shit you do when you're... And you've got a 15-year-old running around. Well, you know, that's what...

You've got to be dad and husband. It's a tough role. It's a tough role. That's the worst thing you've ever said. It might be. But they ended up having five kids. Yeah. At what?

Don't get mad at us. Yeah, we didn't... I didn't do it. I didn't burn her with a stick or stay with her. I didn't... Well, whatever. I'm mad at us. They like fucking.

Is that what everyone's mad about? No, no, they didn't. 15. Okay, but... A lady matures... Oh, oh! No, but back then, that was marrying age. Which...

It wasn't? Yeah. No, it like kind of was, which is so fucked up. A lot of people married young back then. A lot of women married young. 21. Two old men. Dude.

Well, no, he's wrong, but whatever. No, what's true is that the idea of marriage used to just be like, when a man's ready. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then a man would be like, it's time. And she'd be like, but I'm not... I hate you and I'm a teenager.

And he'd be like, yeah, well, we'll figure that out in marriage. Look, when... And that'll be how we do it. When a man kidnaps a woman. Mary's a teenager! What's cool about me is that I'm older than your dad. So that's kind of a thing that I have. But I don't even understand.

I literally can't even fathom the idea that at 40 years old, you're like, this makes sense. She's 15. And like, even from a connection standpoint. Oh, no. What do you want out of a marriage? As a 40-year-old man, if I'm around a 15-year-old girl, I want to blow my brains out.

Well, you're like, you're a different... Like, it's like different species. It would be like me being at a party with a deer and being like, I like it. Fucking dig this deer. What's crazy? The idea that at some point, everyone is like, that's fine. Have you met his new wife? Oh, she's 10.

Oh, you'll love her. She loves to... She loves crayons and jump rope. Yeah, they'll figure it out. You know, you got... You find you together. You have independent use of the news together. And you'll find yourselves.

Well... What are you mad at me for? Yeah, he doesn't marry her. Look, you're just married a 15-year-old. We're all agreed that a 40-year-old should marry a 15-year-old. I hope there's nobody in this room that's like, I object. In any gender, they should not... I would like to make a point.

As a 40-year-old man who's married a five-year-old, I... Look, you find your relationship. Oh, her parents were dicks, obviously. They didn't get us. The Ted Nugent story. Thank you. So, yeah, they didn't have a great relationship, but they made five kids.

Why? I don't know. No one knows. It's a mystery left to the fans of time. They finally divorced after 15 years. Oh, well, she was only 30, so she had her whole life ahead of her. So she's like, oh, good. You've completely ruined what my perspective is.

Now I'll go be a free agent. Now, the kids stayed with him after that. We have no idea what became of her, but the area that they lived in became known... Of course we don't. The area that they lived in became known as Beantown. Boston? It was a very extreme suburb of San Antonio.

Oh, you're a ways away. There's no Beantown today, right? Is that not a place to stay? San Antonio, Beantown? No, Beantown? Except that that's what everyone calls San Antonio, but... All right, you know what? Take your San Antonio pride.

Take it down a little bit. It's just because everywhere else is racist. It's not a problem of San Antonio. It's fine. Yeah. Anyway. In Texas? Two men named Wix and Hickman owned a large swath of woods near Beantown.

They hired Roy to guard against poachers from chopping firewood. So Roy charged people 25 cents to load a cut wood and take it away. So, so, so Roy makes promises and then he doesn't hold them up at all. He does the opposite. He does the opposite. Hey, Roy, watch the kids. All right, I'm going to sell the kids. He also took wood and became the biggest supplier to the local iron worker.

And then he moved on to the dairy industry. What's he going to do now? He would buy cows on trial, meaning they were charged with a crime. I'll take that murder cow. I will take that. That one's an assault cow. I'll take the assault. Murder.

Murdering. I like to murder. So he would, he would take the murder. So he would, he would, he would, he'd buy the cows on trial, meaning that you want to see how they perform. But they milk it. Yeah, how they milk it? What's their deal? What?

Good rump? Look, tell you what, tell you what, this cow, man, she is performing. Man, I swear if she was three years older, I'd marry her. Age gap. What would we talk about? So, you like grazing? I'm a grazer. So he buys a cow on trial, and then he would stop feeding them.

And then he milked them and sell the milk. And then when they stopped producing milk from lack of food, he would refuse to pay for them and give the cows back. And the owner would take the cow back and then feed the cow. And then the cow would start producing again. And sometimes Roy would end up buying and pulling the scam on the same cow over and over. Well, that's got to be good for an animal's health. Right off the bat.

And then he got it. That's like eating the wrong takeout order and being like, where's my food? And then he got into meat. He was already in meat. No, now he. Oh, the bean man's in meat. He offered, he offered all the boys, the local boys, five dollars. Who were they?

You know the local boys? Newsies? Look at the newsies. Hey, hey, mister, got a coin we can bite? See, I offer some five dollars each to any boy who would bring a stray cow, as long as it didn't have a brand. And then they bring a cow and he quickly butcher it and then sell the meat door to door, as you do. You know, when like a stranger comes to your door.

Hey, I got this. Oh, it's a little dirty. It's a little wipe off my hands, but I got some meat. Well, I am in, obviously. I'm not an idiot. You're clearly, you've clearly just murdered it. It was a murder. Why are you talking?

Well, that's the punchline. So, so a couple of times he killed a cow right in its pasture and one landowner came across him one day and Roy was cooking a cooking a cow, what was left of it, over a campfire in the pasture and Roy invited the landowner to join him. Well, that's the move you pull. Hey, buddy, come on, sit down. I know it's yours, but let's eat her.

Well, raise a good point. I found her in a bunch of pieces. You promise? Yes. You swear it was killed by a rocket? I don't doubt you. You're a good boy. Never met a bean I don't like.

Some beans would go good with this, actually. Well, let me cut a slice of you off. He made it clear to Roy that Roy was on his property, but he never brought up the fact they were eating one of the cows that he owned that Roy just killed. Right. Because people were a little bit scared of Roy. He just brought the rabies to the pasture. He did.

In the 1870s, Roy opened a bar with a Frenchman. They lost money immediately. So he sold all the shares to his French partner and then just opened up a bar in his house. He lost money at that, too, because it was in his house. How do you lose money at a house bar? Well, a big problem was that Roy loved to drink. Oh, there it is. There it is.

We're closed today. Why? Roy is down. He's laying down. Roy drank all the gin. An Irishman named T.E. Conner and his wife ran a town grocery store, and Roy would hang out there at the store and sample the whiskey. Oh, yeah, I think it's time for another taste.

Conner's wife did not like Roy at all. What's her deal? She always sees it in a bad mood when I come around. This is just me. She just made a bitch. My 10-year-old wife was like that. All about her. Where am I?

Am I in a bar? What's going on? Oh, a parking lot. Oh, weird. One day, the wife offered to buy everything Roy owned if he'd leave town. That's an amazing offer. Hey, everything you own? So buy everything you have, go.

Everything you own, and you just have to leave. I would take that offer now. That should be a TV show. Well, buy everything you have, just leave. All right, yeah. Just get on it. Yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Yeah, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I sold everything. I don't even know. It's a show. I don't know what it is. There's a camera. It might be a ruse.

I would watch that after Storage Wars, just on TLC, just get out of town is the name of it. And they just pitch it to you. Sell it all and go. You own. After the Duggar Kids. No, there's nine new ones. They haven't done anything bad yet.

It's cool. They're new. It's great. Right. So the one hang up for Roy was the town name. Bean Town? It was named Beanville. Beanville. Oh, is it?

Did I say Bean Town before? I thought you said Bean Town. No, it's Beanville. Sorry. It is Beanville. My bad. My bad. It's Beanville.

It's a little fancier than Bean Town. He was worried that if he left, that the place would then be named Connorville. So he may, she promised that if he left, she would make sure that Beanville is named Beanville. And then she bought all of his stuff and he left. Okay. He's an idiot.

I mean, it's, I might do it. I might tell you. I would do it. I would absolutely do it. I'll sell it all. So this was 1881, America's second transcontinental railroad was being built. There were many towns and work camps that would pop up

and then move, you know, as the railroad moved. Sure. So Roy sold everything he owned. He owned a Miss Connor for $900. He bought a tent, a barrel of whiskey and some beer. Barrel is a great, barrel is a great amount of whiskey. We're going camping.

Like, like when the hardest thing to live is your whiskey, like your priorities are a little out of whack. Ah, I just died. I just got to get all the bourbon. You just have to roll it. It's not easy though. Hills are the worst. That's when I drink the most hills.

So he left his children with friends and started following the railroad construction crews West with his makeshift saloon. So he sets up the tent. He really does. He's a food truck. Yeah. The railroad was being built westward from San Antonio and Roy first operated his tent saloon in Vine Garoon,

which was the largest workers camp. His tent saloon was in Vine Garoon? Vine Garoon. I mean, what a loon. Was it noon? Too soon? I don't. I don't do that.

At the height of construction, there were 7,000 workers. It was a lawless camp, very well known for being lawless. And the railroad appealed to the Texas Rangers to help. And they came and arrested a bunch of guys, but then they're like, oh, there's no jail. What? So they had to march all these guys, 500 guys a week, and then they're like, that doesn't work.

We can't do that. And then Roy heard that they were looking for someone to enforce the local law, so he volunteered. Oh, boy. Not good. And on August 2nd, 1882, Roy Bean was appointed Justice of the Peace Oh, hell yeah. for precinct 16th, Pagos County.

What could go wrong? We already know this is a good guy. Yeah. He already ran a bar as Lieutenant. Why not run a bar as Justice of the Peace? You can marry people in your bar. Thank you. They meet.

Get a good vibe. Good vibe early. His knowledge of legal jargon from his times as a defendant helped him become. Ah, put that on a resume. An effective judge. I know all the legal talk, because I've been around. I would cite the state versus me in this case.

Roy now held trials in his saloon. What is going on? Sure, sure. Honestly. Provide refreshments for the jury. It's great. When it was time for court to start, Roy would take off his apron and put on a dirty alpaca coat.

Well, I lose the apron. What is your deal? You know how every judge you've seen is dressed like a dirty pimp? That's alpaca coat. But how great it if we had judges now that were just up there like naked soup? Dude, honestly, how much more would I be on board with the judicial system if there was alpaca jacket? And obviously they're called alpacates.

All rise. The judge is putting on the alpaca. Yeah. What's up? What's up, motherfuckers? Let's do this. So he'd sit by in the bar and he'd take out his pistol, which he would bang like a gavel.

That does mean it's pointing at him. Yep. Does. When the jury was required, men sat on barrels and boxes. And during recesses, Roy would become the bartender again. You know, I love this. I wish it was still this way. Would absolutely shift jury duty.

Oh, is there a bar? Obviously, there's a bar. I'll do it. Yeah. It's at the bar. Yeah. It's great. It's at the bar.

Oh, where do I put? Is it at the bar? So during recesses, quote, everybody was supposed to drink judge, jury, prisoner and all. Y'all want to pass the bar? Okay. Recess. Shots. Shots.

Recess. All right. We're going to take a five. Everyone have a Long Island. Roy rarely tolerated cursing in his courtroom and he'd find those who did. What's his deal? Where's his line? What is his deal?

His, the thing he said instead of swearing, he would say, oh gobs. I'm going to start doing that. That was his catchphrase. Oh gobs, I spilled it. So if someone swore, he would usually find them the exact amount that they currently owed Roy and change, or no, that Roy owed them and change. So he would. I fought for the court of the amount of $97 and 12 cents, prick.

Give it to me. That is an expensive drink. Why is there a tip part? You're so inclined to tip a gentleman for giving you your court. So Roy never sentenced anyone to jail because there was not a jail. So what's the deal? He used fines and threats of hanging. That's one way to get around not having a jail.

Just sit those people on some horses, hope they bolt, have a good time. So mostly he paid his own expenses instead of the state and he kept all the fines. So it was like a system he had. It's a great system. This is a Libertarians America. He also, he also tied more than one person to a tree if they were bad. So he just painted them with honey? Just waited for a bear to come?

He tied separate people to different trees or multiple people to a tree? A tree. He tied different people to a tree. There's a tree there. The same tree. Multiple people on one tree. Not at the same time. Yeah, but he still had his tree.

It was the tree. Oh, no, maybe he sent you to the tree. You ain't gonna like the tree. You look for the blood marks on the bark. Oh, I don't want to send you to the tree. Long islandized tree? If they were really bad, you go to the bush. If they were really bad, he'd chain them near his bear Bruno to scare them.

He had his own bear? Yes, he had his own bear. Why does a bear always have to have a Russian name? All bears are Russian. Even the ones that are here. His own bear. Damn immigrant bears! You just, you know you're talking about someone interesting when you just bring up the fact

that they had a bear like nothing. And he put them near the bear. So he did have a bear. Okay. Yes. He had a bear. No, Bruno. That's not a bear.

That's a monkey. So sometimes Bruno was kept in a cage, but mostly Bruno would just stay in the corner and he had a chain enough to wander around. Sounds like heaven. Roy used Bruno to intimidate drunks. Frequently. As a drunk, I would be intimidated by that. What the fuck is that?

To fuck. Okay, I don't want a shot. John, don't make the bear come. Fuck. Fuck. Frequently, he would require lawyers to pay for beers for Bruno who enjoyed guzzling beer. What is happening? You, yeah, just, well, it was not.

Who am I rooting for? Who's my hero? Well, I think, I think drunk bear, which is, I'm not going to lie. Obviously, like on some level, the idea of a bear pounding beers is great. You just think a quality of life of the bear. It's like you've gotten him to the point where he's like, I like beer in nature. Yeah, but the bear is also like, he's just in the corner. He's like, ah, fuck it.

Yeah. Yeah. Dave, a little bit of my point is that he's been resigned to the fact that he's like, this is my corner. Beer helps. You've now given him like a blue collar life. Yeah. He's like, I used to go get salmon.

It's like, well, yeah, now you work nine to six. What are we doing? Sex, drink beer. Okay. Okay. That bear. Nature. That bear has the same life as all of our dads.

That's. Shirley. Well, my dad drinks whiskey. So different kind of bear. He's a grizzly. Now, it was not uncommon for people to have bears in the town. Of course not. Of course not.

Why would it be weird? Why would that be a problem or weird? From someone living there. Quote, we had a pair of bears that my brother caught when they were cubs. What? We called one of them old party, but she a cracked buck eye and it killed her. We kept the other one for the longest and I hated that bear. I've got the scar on my arm today where he bit me.

I put the feed down in front of him one day and he grabbed my arm. He didn't aim to hurt me, but he sure did bit me. So that's just a classic bear town story. When does it end? When do we... Fuck it. I'm done. That's it?

You gave up? Well, I just the idea of when you try to domesticate an animal and then you go, it's not getting it. Doesn't understand. I want it to swim with me. What's the lion's problem? It's like a dumb mother fucker. Leave it.

Stay out of nature. There's certain shit you can't have. You say that. Yeah, I do. And then, and then you go into a bar and you see a bear pound of fosters. And that's the problem is if I went into a bar and I saw a bear, I'd go, well, I want to know a little more. Yeah.

Not ready to shut this down just yet. I want to judge this, but I would be fucking thrilled if I went into a bar. If there was a bear in the corner. Why isn't there a bear back there? I'd be talking to the Wranglers. I'd be like, is he fine? He is. Can I shake his paw again?

And will you get a close up of just me and him? Like, boom, like that. So what Arroy's first rulings as a judge was against a man who started building a saloon across the tracks for him. And he said that that couldn't happen. It's not also a court. Get it out of here. All right.

So to enforce the ruling, he went over there and shot up the saloon with his rifle. And then the owner left town and Roy took all of his booze. Man, this is just how you operate. I have ruled. Well, I own it. He left. You know how the world works. Another duty for the judge was performing coroner's inquests.

He earned $5 per inquest and one day a bridge collapsed and 10 workers fell. So Judge Roy Bean was called to the site. He wrote there on a mule and she didn't want to make two separate trips because of that. So he pronounced all 10 men dead, even though only seven were dead. How? Well, how does that go down? He reasoned, quote, them other three fellas is bound to die. Is he a doctor?

But they didn't. Well, then they get to drink free forever. Yeah. So it's fine. Wanted me to bear? But Judge Bean had already pocketed $15 and said everyone was like, all right. Wait, what do you mean everyone was like, all right. Well, then no one was going to ask him to pay it back.

He was doing a good job. Can this guy walk on water? He's a charming motherfucker. That's what I learned from this. On January 12th, 1883, the railroad was completed and the workload decreased, but there were still a lot of laborers and wages fell from $12.75 to $2 per day. Now Vine Geroon- From $12.75?

From $2.75. $2.75, OK. I was going to say. We're not there yet. Yeah. Vine Geroon folded and Roy moved to Eagle's Nest, another mini town of workers, and he decided to squat on railroad land. Southern Pacific let him get away with it because of how helpful he'd been in the past town. And he built a building to be his home slash saloon slash court.

And then he sent for his kids to come and live with them. And the saloon had a bar, a pool table, and a round poker table. And Roy built an office for the local Texas Ranger. Passenger trains stop several times a day and people got off at his saloon for a stiff drink. And he liked to serve them quickly and then have them wait and not give them change. And then the train's warning whistle would blow. I respect that. That is a respectable move.

That is scaly hat is off. And then the customers would swear and demand their money. And then Roy would find them for swearing. You realize you're in bar corp, don't you? No. Love it. No, I just spilled my drink. $75 fine.

Legally. I banged my pistol on the table. We find you're not wasted. Don't make me make you fat the bear. So Roy had anemesis. He just puts on the alpaca coat. Oh, he's a judge. Fuck.

Now he's a judge. You want me to take off my apron? No, no, no. No, no. Oh, God, he's a judge now. So Roy had anemesis. Jesus. At reality?

The bear. Jesus who? Jesus Torres. Okay. Jesus Torres. Now, Torres owned a competing saloon and his father owned all the land in the area. And Jesus thought that he should be running things because of that. So Roy had Torres arrested for disturbing the peace over and over and over again.

Okay. And in one case, the jury found him guilty and fined him two dozen bottles of beer. What is going on? Where are we? Which he had to buy from Roy. Wait, what? No. I mean, where do we start?

It's my... I mean, Barcourt is the best thing ever. Barcourt. It's so good. I would watch that television show every time. Every time. Fuck you, Deadwood. This is it, man.

Barcourt. Barcourt. This is Deadwood. I would pay my speeding tickets if they were in Lone Star Tall Boys because I would respect that. Barcourt. How did he do it? How does one live the American dream as much as Roy? How does one turn a bar into a court and go, yeah, you didn't tip well enough, $75 fine.

You gonna tip? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you have a problem with that? Talk to our mascot, the bear in the corner. Okay. Is he okay? Amazing.

Sounds like he's light on air. In 1884, Roy was, of course, reelected. Yeah! The People's Champ, Roy. The official voting place. For the precinct. Was it the bar? Hold on, was it the bar?

No, it was his house. Okay, perfect. Who are you voting for? You. Yeah, I thought so. Okay, is there another voting state? No. All right, see at the saloon, jurors box.

Sure, whatever the fuck, oh, yep. But in 1886, Roy lost the election to a well digger. I'm sorry, a what? A guy who digs wells. A well digger. A dug wells, yeah, a well digger. So I didn't put the guy's name in because who gives a shit? Sure, his family.

The fucking well digger, right? Yeah. So the vote was 25 votes to 17. That's how many people voted in the election. That's what happens when you have Hobbs voting. So who replied to the E-Vite? But at the same time, a new county called Val Verde County was formed, and Roy got himself appointed the judge there.

And after a couple of months, the well digger decided he didn't want to be judge anymore. He didn't like it. And so Roy bought back his old judgeship for whiskey, two bearskins, and a gun. For whiskey, two bearskins, and a pet, a coon. This is what lobbying used to be. Used to be so wholesome. I mean, truly think how amazing it is to be able to get it all back. You want some furs and bourbon?

Yeah, I want bourbon. Give me a bourbon. Settle for a little bourbon. He was then reelected in 1888, 1890, 1892, and 1894. And then in 1896, old Jesus Torres decided to run against him. Here we go. The first vote, Roy managed to get 100 more votes than there were voters in the county. Well, and that's a testament to the outreach he had.

Yeah. He had a good ground game. We need to stop ignoring reality. We just need to say ground game is solid with this one. He's making those calls. He's knocking on those doors. He's inventing those humans. So the result was thrown out, and Jesus Torres was appointed to serve in Roy's place.

And Roy was heartbroken. It sucks. He's a good guy. He should feel bad. Not to be known as the judge was, in his view, not to be anything. So Torres sent someone to get the seal and the law book from Roy. And Roy was like, no, I'm going to keep this. Is that OK?

Nope. But the messenger was like, OK. Later. And then no one would do anything. So Roy ended up just... Yeah, he has a bear. What are you going to do? Honestly, yeah.

You want to talk to my lawyer? So Roy just kept trying cases on the north side of the tracks. Wait, what? How is that? And Torres was now handling cases on the south side of the tracks. And how does Torres feel? What? He's like, I don't know.

The guy's a bear. What do you want me to do? He's fucking crazy over there. It's just fair. The next election, Roy walked around with a gun in front of the polling place. And anybody who looked like a Torres supporter, he was like, you should go. By the way, anyone who looked like a Torres supporter? Wink, wink.

Yeah, good lord. And people were like, no, I'm here for you. He's like, you got a good story. Wanted me to bear. So the sheriff was sent to deal with it. And after arguing, the sheriff pointed at Roy's pet bear and said, I'm going to handcuff you to that bear. Literally the best start to a threat ever.

I want to see where this goes. I'll allow it. I'm going to handcuff you to that bear if you keep on. And Roy gave in and let people vote. Torres won 26 votes to 15. But then Roy won the next two elections. So he was back. What?

Now by the 1890s, price fighting was illegal in most states. That's a great, great new twist. But it was legal in Texas. Gentlemen, Jim Corbett and Australian Bob Fitzsimmons were supposed to fight in Texas. But then the governor called a special session of the legislature and they banned boxing in Texas. And then they were going to move the fight to Arkansas, but the governor there threatened to bring out the state militia.

So Jim Corbett quit boxing. He was like, well, fuck this. Is that a quote? Yeah. And then Peter Maher, who was the champion of Ireland, replaced Corbett in the fight. And Roy invited them to have the fight at his place. Yeah.

Okay. It's legal if it's in a court. That's court sanctioned boxing. Yeah. So the day of the fight, Roy Selim was packed. Everyone had to get a few rounds of drinks. And then he took everyone down to the river to a sound bar where a ring had been built near the Mexican shore of the Rio Grande.

Oh boy. So it was like, we're going to build a ring, so he found like a loophole. Just have it right there on the Mexican side on a sandbar. And everyone's like, I don't know. Is that ours? But it sounds like the end of a Steven Segal movie. Like this is how Jean-Claude Van Damme movies end. We build a ring on the edge of the Rio Grande.

The fight lasted 95 seconds. So you build the whole thing and you're like, hey, he doesn't even have a chin? Well, this is when fights were like, it went on for nine years. Yeah. But now they're like, oh. 81 rounds. Mike Tyson's like, bang.

Ow. So everyone went back up to the saloon to drink and sportswriters wrote of the fight. And soon Judge Roy Bean was known across the country. Okay. Good. Always good. Notoriety is credibility. Yeah.

And he continued to keep his own brand of law and order. In 1902, a man named Watts shot a one-eyed Mexican sheep herder. Was that how he introduced himself? Yeah. Hi, I'm a one-eyed Mexican sheep herder. How are you? Nice to meet you. I have 52, I'm missing 26.

So the man shot the one-eyed Mexican sheep herder was named Amaterio. And a neighbor said, quote, I remember when Watts killed Amaterio. Amaterio fell in front of my house. The judge did not want to let them move Amaterio out of the road because he attracted people and made business good. Wait, what? He literally, what? So there was a, there was a dead guy.

A body? So there's a dead guy. So leaving the body. Just to be like, look, look at the numbers. It's a little bit of a, it's an attraction and people are like, let's go see the dead body. Hey. It's like the entire state of Texas was stand by me.

They all got involved. Look, we're living in a material world. And I'm in a material girl. So he's, it's like, so he's in, he's in attraction. So people are coming. For sure. He's becoming Moss. It's fun.

Quote, the ants hollowed out old Amaterio. So there, so there wasn't anything left of him except, except his overalls, his jumper and his hide. They completely destroyed all of him that was inside of his skin. Yeah. I shall never forget those ants. We used to catch them and put them in a saucer and make them fight. Charge money for that too.

You got a second business. So that story has at the end, ant justice. This guy is a fucking capitalist through and through. Oh my God. I love it. This is the ultimate cap. No, leave the dead guy. People want to look at him.

I can make some money off beer. All right. This is just ants make them fight. We'll keep figuring. Judge Bean didn't allow hung juries. Once when the jury couldn't reach a decision, he just pulled out a six shooter, laid it on the bar, and told them to go back and come up with a verdict.

Literally, Dave, literally, what are we, 15 years away from this again? From judges being like, no, you need to shut the fuck up. Five, yeah, five. The defense attorney, my ass. They quickly found the defendant guilty. Once he threatened a lawyer with hanging for using profane language when the lawyer used the term habeas corpus. Very illegal.

Not okay to say. Not okay to say. Oh, daddy. Want one more? Um, the lawyer talking also finable. Sorry. The lawyer objected and Roy find him. The lawyer then tried to appeal to the governor in Austin,

but the governor said, quote, those boys are running the show out there. Let them run it. Hey, that's what you elected him for. You know you're in trouble when the elected official is referring to the people you're ratting on as those boys. Those boys. You are not going to win that. Oh, they're just filibustering again.

Those boys. Just scamps. Rascals, if you ask me. Rascals, if I've ever seen them. So when a dead cowboy was found, they searched his pockets and found $40 and a six gun on him. So Roy charged the corpse with carrying a concealed weapon and find it $40.

Who? I mean, I guess literally every question. I uh, who, what, when, where, how, and why and how. And how? He got 40 bucks. Yeah. Well, the guy was committed to crime. They weakened it, burning like a defendant.

Not even a defendant. It's a dead guy, but he's committing a fucking crime. Right. He's laying around all packing heat. Yeah, you can't just die with weapons. Thank you. Someone could take them from you. Obviously.

Habeas Corpus. Exactly. Uh, at one point, a Irishman named Patty O'Rourke. He's Irish? Oh, yeah. Sorry, I don't mean to, I would hate to stop everything for nothing. But sorry, Patty O'Rourke is Irish. He is Irish.

He is? Yeah. And we're in Ireland because I don't know if that is familiar as far as Irish names go. Patty O'Rourke. Yeah. Yeah, Patty O'Rourke was accused of shooting a Chinese. A big two Irish.

Woo, I'm literally a clover. Woo. He was accused of shooting a Chinese laborer. A mob of 200 Irishmen surrounded the courtroom slash saloon and threatened to lynch Judge Roy Bean and burn down his saloon. Well, so when the court was in session, Roy looked through his law book for a while and then said, quote, gentlemen, I find the law very explicit on murdering your fellow man.

But there's nothing here about killing a Chinaman. Case dismissed. Welcome to Texas. Look, he just, he just, he read it from the book. I don't know why you guys are getting so mad. It was clearly, it's clearly something you read in the law book. I mean, it is, it really is insane that there's a time where that was something a judge could say.

I know now, I mean, now they just do it. Well, look, obviously life is precious. He was Asian. Let's move on. Roy's son, Sam, got into an argument in the saloon that led to a man slapping him in the face. The best, the best move. Roy yelled, shoot him, Sam, shoot him.

And Sam did, killing the man. Roy then got to work with witnesses, promised him favors and paying them off. And Sam was acquitted. But the verdict cost Roy nearly all the money he'd managed to save. Okay. But Roy had other ways of making money.

Sure. He married people, as you said before. He charged $5 and ended the ceremony by saying, quote, may God have mercy on your soul. How all marriage vows should end, really. That is honest to God. Good fucking luck. Amen.

I mean, if I got remarried, I would beg my wife to let the reverence say that. All right. Give it up for Mr. and Mrs. Anthony. May God have mercy on your souls, honestly. Not going to work out. So Roy was approached by a guy who wanted to go on a business deal and start a pig farm.

Roy would, Roy would just feed all the bodies that you're accruing in your bar to the pig farm. It's great. So Roy would fund the farm and then the guy would, you know, run the farm. So that went on for two years and he, Roy made no, he saw no profits at all. Okay.

So Roy wanted to sue him, but there was no other court around to sue. Wait, there is no way. What? At what point is collusion real in this world? Like at what point are you like, we're going to try in my court and I'm the judge? I don't like my chances.

Roy sued him in his own court. Yes, yes. Yes. Roy started out. But how do you, how do you even show up? I'm not going to come. Oh, you got to come. Oh, you never know what I'll feel like.

I might be in one of my moods. Look, sometimes I wear the alpaca coat. Sometimes I take it off. Look, I put my alpaca jacket on. Look, every man, one weird furry sleeve at a time. So Roy started out by making a speech on his behalf. Well, I'd like to start about, I'd like to talk to the judge who's me. And just a part upon him, how tough this has been.

And then he runs behind. Well, I'll allow it. Let me put on the new jacket. And your honor, what I was saying before is I just feel like, you know, lately everybody's coming down again. You know, lately everybody's coming down against me. One second. Oh, continue to allow it.

I want to see where this goes. So Roy also testified in front of himself. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Who's me? Yeah, let me switch hands. I do. So help you God.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't. So then he ruled that he would take half the hogs and the other half would be sold to raise damages. He suffered to cover the cost of the suit. So he took half the hogs, he sold the other half, and he took that money. Now judges have existed before this. So there is a bar for what a judge should do.

This is the best judge ever. Is he? All judges should be like this, because life would be awesome. Welcome to living room court. I mean, why is that another thing? If they served alcohol at jury duty, this country would be completely different. OJ would be behind bars.

We would live in a different world. Yeah, it's serving drinks. Yeah. So, wait, where am I? Oh, good Lord Dave, come on, don't do this. Oh, sorry. So, this is how someone described Judge Roy Bean. Quote, Roy Bean was a smart old booger.

He had his faults, but listen, he was a good man at heart. He might have been a murderer and a robber and a thief. He might have been. Who's this person we're quoting? The devil? It was Bula Birdwell Farley, who lived in... Bula Bird-a-Farty? Birdwell.

Birdwell. Lived in the same town. So, he might have been a murderer and a robber and a thief, but he was good in his way. He was the best hearted old fellow you ever saw. He would do anything for anybody. Unless you met another one. He'd do anything for anybody, except the Chinese fellas.

He had a good side, he kept hidden. Throughout the years, he took some of the fines and much of the collected goods that he got and gave them to the poor in destitute of the area, and he bought medicine for the sick and poor. After a heavy day of drinking, Roy died in a saloon on March 16th, 1903, of... He means the court.

He was initially buried in West Lawn Cemetery in Del Rio, Texas, but due to the numerous visitors to his grave, he was later reinterred behind the Whitehead Memorial Museum. And there is the greatest Texan of all time. Someone turned themselves into a bullshit Swiss army knife. That's... How do you get to that many levels? It's amazing.

He's an amazing man. I really... I've lived here for about seven years. That is a true Texan, just... He is the Rue Waddell of the court. It is the truth, though. It's like, if you just... You know, and we're all... Like, we all try to be very decent

and just play to our skill set, and then there's individuals that are just like, yeah, I just lie and take money. And we're all like, it's unfair. They're like, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, want to come to my bar court? If you're a charming enough, like, handsome white man, move to Texas.

You'll do fine. You'll do fine. They love that kind of thing here. Look at Matthew McConaughey. That's his whole thing. Oh, dude, Matthew McConaughey's having sex with Lincoln Town Cards. I don't know what the deal is.

He's like, how much longer till we fuck? It's like a high desert shot. You're like, what am I watching? I took ayahuasca and then filled it up with diesel. Fuck it. Look at my dogs. Look at my dogs. Well, guys, thank you so much for coming out.

We really do appreciate the fuck out of it. Can't say it enough. Give it up for Kepp. Thank you so much. Moving soon. We will be, we'll sign some stuff to take pictures out there if you guys want and then, you know, invite us to whatever bar you think is gonna run here

and, you know, have a good time. It'll be great. We'll be out there in like five minutes. Thank you guys so much. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. Well, don't run out of here. Jesus Christ.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.