The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 301 - Te Pahi and The Boyd - Live

Episode Date: November 7, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds head to Auckland, New Zealand, where they are joined by Tickled director David Ferrier and comedian Guy Williams to discuss Te Pahi and The Boyd.SOURCESTOUR DATESREDBUBBLE MERCH

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd will be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport, and 26th the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. Hi, Gareth. Dave? How are you?

Dude, I, can I, let's talk about you. Are you good? Yeah, I'm very good. Thank you for asking. You're not going to ask me how I'm doing? How are you? I'm good. I'm good.

Strong, strong, strong. Strong chant. Strong work, guys. We'll wait for these people to sit down. Jesus Christ. I'm just kidding. Hi, everybody. What a great country.

We saw the highway from the airport to here. And then we saw, I saw there's a Denny's. Congratulations. And there's a Starbucks, McDonald's. You got all this stuff. And then I walked down a little ways, and I was like, this is a city. And so I feel like I've seen New Zealand.

Yeah. I've just been in the casino, but wow. What a casino. Great casino, you guys. Congratulations on that. That's huge. And a Denny's. So things are popping. Yeah. Things are popping. A lot of you asked us to come here. And we did it.

Look at how fast these two guys are eating Yeah, this is crazy Are you having a competition to finish that bag of food? So I was gonna mention something So we were in back and I started drinking a beer And I was like, oh, that's weird, my, I feel a little, I haven't eaten today. Oh, Jesus.

I forgot to fucking eat. Oh, David. I got, we got up at 5, 15? Yep. Got on a plane, I slept, I missed the meal, got off the plane, and then I was like, Oh, walk around. I had a tea.

You didn't go to Denny's? They have a Denny's. I only go there on my birthday. That's true. It's a good day for the B-Day. Oh, fuck. Oh, David, David, relax. Look at that.

Food, thank you. So, nice. Well, Dave, you're going to have to separate the activities. So this is another thing I was going to talk about. You guys have weird bags. Oh, my God. What kind of bag is this? This is like two regular bags fucked.

What is with... Thank you. Very much. Well, Dave, you have dinner. It's candy. And worst case, you can eat this eight foot tall bag. Thank you for bringing that. I've never even seen a bag that shaped. Without question, the craziest bag I've ever

seen. It's just a brown bag. It doesn't make any sense. What is it for? Imagine if I told you I could pick up a brown paper bag from here. You'd be like, you're crazy. But I'm not crazy, guys. That's why I invented crazy bags.

Crazy bags, like two regular bags had a crazy fuck bag. Is your food taller? Okay, so at some point I might pass out. I think that's the point I was making. Anything else? I mean, usually we like to talk about the country, but we literally flew to one of the most beautiful places on Earth, and then we're leaving before we can see anything.

Well, we've got to get back to L.A. Got to go see that beautiful area again. You know, when it rains on the smog clears. for an hour and a half. Everyone's like, wow, there's a sky. What are the odds? Should we, let's do this first, and then we'll do the...

You're listening to the dollop! This is a bi-weekly American History podcast that we do once a week. And each week, I, photo taker, dog owner. Do you only have two now? Yeah. You've literally run out of all the boring things.

Dave Anthony reads a story from American history. to a guy. Named Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. But we can't fight this battle alone tonight, David. No, we can't. We've employed the talents of two other gentlemen.

Guy Williams and David Ferryer. David did Tickled. You're running for Prime Minister, or something? No, I'm a David Ferry impersonator. Okay. Okay. We look very similar and often people ask me before my gigs, like, good luck with the movie and stuff like that. And I say, thanks.

I just don't correct them. Just take it. Just take it on board. And you guys, your second episode was about tickled. Yeah, was about tickled. And everyone thinks that I stole the movie idea off you guys. No, that's not true. You sold it off me and Dylan.

That's amazing. Yeah, truly. But I just love it to be here. Love the podcast. Unknown date, late 17,100s. Late 1700s? Uh, yeah. Okay.

Good, I just wanted to get the error right. We're going to see how this goes, but there's going to be a lot of fuck-ups. I apologize in advance. I already noticed that instead of chief, it already says chill. Better position. I'm the chill of police. Tapahi. Nothing.

No? Tapahi? No, nothing. I wasn't... You're looking to us. No, we brought the widest guys in the world on. That's true. Oh, my goodness.

I'm just sitting here panicking right now, basically. Was a Maori senior chief of the northwestern Bay of Islands. Is that near here? Is that near here? What? What just happened?

Māori. Maury. Isn't that what I said? What did I say? Maori. Am I not saying it, right? It might be because I'm from another country. and I can't...

Okay, so what's the exact? Am I saying Maori is not right? Māori? Am I rolling an R a little bit? Is that the deal? Yeah, a little bit of rolling out. But if we're going to hang up on this, it's going to be a long podcast. Like, it's literally the first word. Yeah.

Well, we don't roll ours in America, so... They do it in Mexico with the Spanish language, but it's very hard for us to start to roll our R's. You're doing very well. Yeah, you think great. You're trying. You're trying. And I just really do it great.

All right. All right. Māori. Is that better? Maui? Yeah, it's good. All right. A little too good.

I mean, I feel like... I feel like the last thing I should do is come here and offend the native people. So let's try not to... Well, it's nice that that's finally the policy. Could I use that in the late 1700s? Now... Now, his principal paw? Yep, fuck yeah, nailed it.

It's two, it's literally two letters. This principal paw was on a small island called Teppuna. Yep, fucking killing it. He usually lived at a nearby inlet, but kept his weapons store on Teppuna. He had several wives, one of whom he put to death for her venomous tongue. Jesus. Don't fucking, this is a serious don't talk back time. Right.

late 1700s. Sure. He had at least four sons and three or more daughters. It's pretty vague. Yeah, very vague. Yep. It's hard to keep track.

So you could have 30 sons and 19 daughters. Yeah. One daughter he kept confined in a small storehouse for several years because she was a high-born woman reserved for an important marriage alliance. So she just had to stay in a...

She has to stay where you keep the jams and wine because she's someday going to be a great bride? Yeah. Okay. Because if she gets out, You know what's going to happen. God forbid. She could live.

I mean, they run off and then, you know, they're out there with their vagina. I wonder what makes them want to run away. Nothing about being locked in a storage cellar. We should bring this back. No, I don't think so. So another daughter married a European who left her in Sydney. So he married her and then he brought over and he's like, fuck this shit. And they just dumped her in Sydney.

Okay. In 1805, Tipahi and four of his sons took a small colonial ship to Australia. This always fucking amazes me because after, you know, now that we can look back, clearly a bad idea to hang out with white people. But it always amazes me when native people go on trips. They're like, yeah, I'll get on your boat. This seems like it'll be fine. That's how it always starts, too.

And the next thing you know, he's like, we don't have anything. They took all of our science and tools. God damn, these people. It seemed like a great idea at the time. They went to meet Philip King, the lieutenant governor of Norfolk Island, and King had a reputation for being very good to the Māori. Really?

Kind of milking that a little bit. Back in the 1700s, how good was the reputation for being very good to the Māori as well? Was that like not confiscating land? I think at this point, yeah, it's not an issue yet. So right now it's just like, hey, you guys want to trade and stuff? Like you can give us some wood and we'll give you some guns and we'll see what happens. Like it's not where it goes.

It's the early days. Yeah, it's before. Before someone had the great idea of like, let's just steal everything. We'll do that. Can I just apologize for being the local expert who just was asking the American guy? as a question. I just realized how useless I'm going to be. And amazing that you found a story that I haven't heard.

I don't know if that makes me a bad New Zealander or... No, it just makes you white. So... I mean, one thing we've learned on this podcast is that the people who know the least about the country they're from is the people in the country. Like, you're just not taught what happened, the reality of what happened. You're taught like this sort of surfacey bullshit, right? Yeah.

That's what helped this podcast. But the ship captain that they took was not a good one, and he treated the passengers horribly. He threatened to keep Topahee's eight-year-old son as payment for their trip. It's a weird time. Yeah. Well, Tapahi's so casual with his kids

that I think he'll be like, fair deal. Yeah, yeah. I still got three-ish, so that'll play. I got one of me. I got one of me. All locked back at home in mint condition. Yeah. Then keeping her in a shed

And she is fucking like the day she was born It's going to take her a while to adjust to the light again But once she does, you're going to love her Once her eyes are opening normally You'll love her The Norfolk Island Commandant rescued the 8-year-old On the island, they learned

King was now governor of New South Wales So they were put on a ship to Sydney And Tapahi was the first Influential Mayori leader To visit New South Wales to King having a new place in New Zealand for whaling ships to anchor was invaluable. So that's what they want. They just want a place to let whalers hang out.

Because whalers were cool. I don't know if you have read about them, but super awesome guys. I was more of a sailor's man myself. Yeah. Yeah, they're good too. Well, sailors are the gateway drug to the whalers. King did everything he could to convince Tapahi how great it would be to have a relationship. with the Europeans.

And now looking back, he was right. Yeah. Good sell. What? Good sell. Yeah. They stayed for three months, during which time they were guests at the government house. The chief was given iron tools, fruit trees, seedlings,

and livestock, among many other gifts. Can't get house. I bet it was for Joe trees, because we have way too many of those here in Auckland. You get, we give you livestock when you come to America. Yeah, remember when you came over? last time we gave you a goat. I love that goat.

Yeah. Do you guys have Feejoas yet? Have what? Feejoas. Mm-hmm. Fee. Yeah, yeah. Trump's bringing in a bunch of them.

Are you saying a word? You call them something different, because I've seen Fijaws, but you call them something different in America. It's like a green oblong thing, and it's delicious. Are you talking about a zucchini? Yeah. Yeah, we are. Very big here.

Does anybody know what he's talking about? What we call it in America? Oh, oh. Pineapple guava? Pineapple guava? Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. I know about those.

No, you don't. He's just trying to be cool. I go, yeah. I mean, I know guava. It's a different kind of guava? Yeah, it's a white guava. Oh, that's a white guava. Well, don't talk to the white guavas.

That's what I'll tell you right now. They'll take your whole tree by the time this is done. So King also gave Tabahi a pre-a-a-a-a-a-fee. prefabricated house to erect in the Bay of Islands. So he can put like seven daughters in there. Yeah, he can just pack all his daughters in. Wait, he gave him like a completed house? Yeah, I keep reading this.

So apparently this is this a thing. Like the British would give people a fucking prefab and then they'd put it up. It was for Europeans when they came so they'd feel comfortable and not, you know, have to live like the natives or like, you know. Hopefully it was a cottage, which is a New Zealand invention, which is a combination of a cottage and a garage. and it would be great because I mean the car's not invented yet

but when it is boy oh boy will we be parking it dry um Topahi also came with some stuff he gave King some fine clocks and a stone mirror oh that's a good one too boy I look stone

I don't know what that is do you know what that is I just have a stone mirror and the reflection was not great how do you sell someone on that I don't know I think it's just a stone. Keep looking. Okay, I mean, eventually.

I don't know what I'm expecting here. It just looks like goddamn stone still. Topi saw the advantages of learning about other cultures and having an exchange of technologies. After he met the famous sheep farmer John MacArthur, Topahi wanted several of his tribe

members to come to Australia and learn how to raise sheep. So this guy realizes there's advantages to meeting other cultures and exchanging. He's got an open mind, shall we say. What? It's just, I think if I've learned one thing, it's time to close that mind a little.

Don't open it so much. King wanted to send a party of observers to stay with Tapahi, but that plan was scrapped when William Bly took over. It wasn't all good. Tapahi was horrified at the brutal sentencing. Europeans received for minor theft. Yeah. We've talked about over the past couple nights

a little bit because it'll be like someone took a chair and they get killed and then someone murdered someone and they're out in five years. Yeah, like literally. Yeah. Like it was just a way to get rid of the poor off their fucking awesome island that is now going great.

How long until they want Australia back? They're very close. Were you being sarcastic? Or was like it's now going great? sarcastically or you've been that face failure? Yeah, yeah. Just checking. They're what?

Just checking. Because for a minute there, you're talking about how they're getting rid of the poor and then you said it was now going great and I didn't get the sarcasm. So I was like, does he think the plan worked? If there's one thing I know about David's, that he doesn't think the plans are working. Yeah. So, King wanted to send, oh, like I said, no.

So Bligh takes over. He's upset or amazed by the sentences people get. Tapahi is not into Aborigines at all. He did not like how little clothes they wore or their weapons and how they chose to live. Jesus. I love that. So he's got notes.

I love that a guy from a native guy from an island came over and said, what the fuck is with these guys? Put some fucking clothes on. Put a pair of pants. How about you guys ever invented khakis? Let's go. During his time in Sydney, he met Samuel Marston, who was a chaplain, did his best to convert the Māori. Tapahi went to church regularly when he was in Australia and would have long discussions with Marston about religion.

Let's get some Jesus in there, right? Yeah, always. It works out well. Always. When you're taking the orders from a visible man in the sky, they're logical. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Huh. There's a book.

What do you mean? There's a book. There's a history book about that guy. Yeah, I'm aware. It's a great read. Makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kill your son. I always love it when people start talking about Christianity because I was raised as a Baptist. Were you really? And so I was fully on board for quite a long time. You were. Oh my God.

Yeah, dinosaurs and people living together? Absolutely fine. You just hide up a tree. Right. Yeah. Noah's Ark. I was the best at shooting down people when they didn't understand Noah's Ark. How did the dinosaurs get on? It'd be like, they were baby dinosaurs. Noah trained them all for two weeks before they got on there. I was fully on board for about 20 years.

20 years! Wow. I'm a real idiot. You're going to fit right in, my man. Wow, I would have never thought that. What happened? What changed? I just... I left home, left Tauranga.

I went to university. met some people that weren't Christians. And they were like, he didn't have baby dinosaurs, David. You're like, no, they were friendly baby dinosaurs. Guys. Bleu my mind. First day of college.

What about the dinosaurs? Were they? Where did he house them? Because they were violent. Truly, think about how he had to organize the arc in this philosophy. How could he put, you can't put, what could you put next to each other?

I'm very annoyed at my upbringing because I look back at those arguments I was having with people. very embarrassing. But at the time, I was speaking logic. You get back in contact with them now and get them on Facebook

and go, hey man, sorry about the stuff I said about the dinosaurs. Yeah, I've always thought a thing I want to do sometime is meet the people that I converted to Christianity when I was 17 and kind of just knock on their door

and they've got like 10 kids and they're like loving God and just be like, about that thing? Yeah. Was it? I just want to tell you... Wasn't true.

Yeah. I just want to tell you the thing I said about dinosaurs, it's not real. But congratulations on all this fertility. You guys are really plowing.

This is awesome. Look at them. So I didn't mean to butt in with a personal... No, I liked it. I mean, it was very appropriate considering what's happening. Kane, Abel,

Joseph, come and meet your Uncle David. He's the reason you're here. Yay. Hi, guys. Hey, good to see you guys. So their relationship, Tapahi and Marston's, their relationship allowed Marston to begin planning a church missionary society in New Zealand

that would be under Tapahi's protection. Tapahi and his sons were put on board the Lady Nelson in 1806. Real quick. What is the plan again? Oh, well, he's just going to start bringing Christians over and converting all the people who are living their lives. Pretty fucking awesome. To Pah he is. Well, he's going to protect the missionaries.

Okay, got it. Gotcha. Right. So the other guy. Gotcha. He's on board. He's like, this sounds great. Let's just fuck this place up. Right.

So Tapaia and his sons were put on board the lady Nelson in 1806 with all the shit he'd been given and headed back to the Bay of Islands. They put up the prefabricated house. That's got to be a huge moment. Yeah. All right. There. That'll do. Hey, we made, it doesn't stick out at all.

It's not weird at all. It's this big fucking prefab house. This is going to be. great when Europeans come and they feel super comfortable. So his entire experience in Australia made him very pro

trade. Okay. As was common back then, people opened their local papers to find out the comings and goings of ships, and the readers in the Sydney Gazette found this in the day's paper. Quote, on Wednesday sailed the Boyd, Captain Thompson for the Cape of Good Hope, with

coal, cedar, and other plank and timber. Whoa. What a story. Yeah. Pop the lid off of that one, huh? Honey, did you hear what happened with the Boyd? Of course I did. I'm not an idiot. I've been reading about it all day. It's fascinating.

Cedar? And coal are you? I know. We live in a great time. It's an exciting time to be alive. Can you imagine before boats? What did they talk of? I don't know.

Who knows? Oh. What was... You're cool? What's going on? I'm very excited. boats get me hot. Boats get you hot?

You're hot. Oh, all right. I get Randy. Well, permission enter the harbor, my life. I can't imagine the story about the coal and cedar on the Boyd got many clicks as well. I think this is why print journalism is kind of dying. It's click bait. They should have said the Boyd has arrived.

What was on it? Click here to find out. Yeah, no, they didn't do that. I put it all right up fucking top. Yeah. You'll find if you go back and, and look at the titles of books, they just put the whole thing in the title.

How starved for entertainment appeal that they'd read about what was inside the ships? Ship, ship, ship, what was coming in and leaving on ships was the entertainment of the time. Like, they fucking couldn't get enough of it. They were just like, what, they would literally open the paper and be like, what ship is coming in? And read all about what was on it.

One of the few things that has always baffled me on the podcast is what excited people and what was in the paper. Like, there was a time when an attractive woman had 10,000 men following her to the train, just because.

Just because it was like in the paper and people were like, let's do it. It's an exciting time to be alive. There's a lady. This is why I've never watched the movie The Shipping News because I assume it's just about James Doody, Judy Dench

reading out things that are on ships. I'd rather call her James Duty. That's what we call it down here in New Zealand. Jam, Judy. Oh, God damn it. The guy introducing her to the queen. Dame Judy, Dame Judy. Your Majesty, meet Jam do me.

Oh, God. Fuck. Jane Doody. She's a poo woman. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no. Meet the poo woman. No, no, no.

Jane duty. God damn it. So, the Boyd was owned by George Brown. It sailed from England in March. with a boat full of Irish and now it was making a return voyage with a valuable cargo. I did do that on purpose. But it wasn't done yet. Captain John Thompson planned to stop first in New Zealand and trade for some...

Here's it. Cowry spars. You're pretty much now that. Caldy, cowdy. So spars are long poles used for masks and booms. I don't have to tell you that on ships. No, they're used for mass. Booms. Yeah.

What's a boom? And so this is wood that they thought was the best fucking wood and it was all over New Zealand. Hey, didn't think it is the best wood. It's off the hook. I clap for some wood. All right, New Zealand. Good wood.

How else do you build a cottage? Let's just take a moment to point out that you're definitely island people because you just cheered for a type of wood not only cheered for wood

but fantasized about a godage made out of that wood the best house New Zealand can possibly imagine one of our favourite pastimes here in New Zealand is often hiking to a caudy tree to touch it to touch it to look at it to see it you guys are so on the same page about it

Yeah. Do it every weekend. I was going to do that tonight, but I had to come to this bullshit. Well, we're sorry. Jesus. So you guys are literally no different than the late 1700s. Look, that's, look, mate, if there was a beautiful woman heading to a train, we would be there. After this, we'll hit out the wood.

Go see some remus. Go see some coldy. It would be beautiful. So. David was like you go like to touch it or look at it or see it it's great you don't have to touch it I started on that

yeah I mean you went right no you went right for it you went right in no foreplay with the tree you don't have to touch it you just go up there and there's just all these fucking New Zealand people are oh oh god am I an avatar what's going on over here

he just put his tail in the tree he's tail fucking the tree I love that you referenced avatar things. That film, they're making another three of them here.

Yeah, why not? It's great. I mean, I enjoy it for the dialogue. I don't know why you guys like it. Yeah. I like the dialogue. It's definitely not a good movie to watch on shrooms or anything.

No, it's definitely, the dialogue is what it is. I don't want to hear anything bad about Avatar that is a New Zealand institution. We're very proud of it. That and coldy looking is like what's propping up our economy right now. Are they going to make a come here? The new...

Yeah, we make the coldie and we make the avatars. Those are the two things we make. All right, we're going to fact check some of that. We're going to check that out later. So about 70 people aboard the ship on their way back to England. There was a two-year-old Betsy Broughton and her mom. Besides the usual Europeans, there was a young Māori named Hori Teira. The crew called him George.

We're just going to go with George. You seem like a George. Yeah He was the son of a Nati Uru chief who ruled the inner Fangaroa harbor We would correct you but we can't do any better

Nati So I looked up The WH thing How are you finding that? Well, fuck me I mean So I'm reading about it I'm like oh there's a video here about this

and the guy's like I'm like what the fuck I look at it again I'm like how is the W a fust what the fuck is happening I tweeted about it I was like this is fucking bullshit

they're whole they don't even know what letters are WH is pronounced what it's spelled WH and they're pronouncing it I have no notes on that I think that's great aim high

no that's I mean you guys still have problems with that I'm sorry I can't help you out more. I literally, before I came here, I was like, man, I hope he doesn't do a New Zealand story because I am screwed. Any Kiwis listening to this, David Farrier was no good whatsoever. I almost put a bit of extra pronunciation on your name. I was like, David Fadier. No, it's just an F. I was giving it a W.H. It's just an F. Ferry White.

So is it called the feelbearer? What? Huh? Huh? I like listening to you guys when you're telling a story about another country that goes like, goes real awful. But it's not as fun when it's like your own. Just realizing that now, I'm like, why aren't I enjoying this? It's like, oh, it's right. It's us. I will say you handled it much better than the Australians did. We had one the other day and they were not down. But it's one of their heroes.

So this is going to be fine. So George, no, what do you, what do you, when, when, like people from America come and they call it when Geroa does everyone just fucking laugh at them yeah it's a fucking double you

is that really it's a Scottish oh that's amazing holy shit the fucking so some drunk asshole well let's just finish this and head back to the pub then shouldn't take too

bloody long shit w w is five is prize feel now. I'm fucking pissed. There's a goddamn dick right now. Christ Almighty. Oh my God. It's done, sir, it's right here. Oh shit, I think I made W.H. Confir.

It doesn't notice. David, did you want to jump in with your Scottish accent? I'm good. The first European ship to stop at Fengaroa was called the Star. in 1805 or 1806, the chief asked the captain to take his son, Teira, to Europe, where he could get some iron tools and fish hooks for the tribe. So off Teara went.

And on the star, they called him George, because, you know, why use someone's real name? Right. So Teara had served as a sailor for a while on the sealer. He was with other Maori. I assume a prince would not travel alone, right? No. have a crew or...

He's got an entourage. Yeah, for sure. That's probably the actual word. Yeah. So after journey across the southern ocean, he switched ships in Australia and was now headed home. While the star was at sea, another ship had stopped at Fangaroa.

In 1808, two years before, the boy had arrived, a ship named the Commerce had stopped in the harbor to pick up provisions. The captain met, the majority tribe that lived there, and he showed them a pocket watch he had, which they were fucking super into, because they'd never seen anything like it,

and they thought it was a receptacle of the gods. That makes sense. Hey. We're from New Zealand, all right? I've got an eyewatch, and people have been amazed for days. No, I mean, just the way you guys react to a tree, I can't imagine what you would do with a watch. Okay.

It's kind of like when we're in primary school. Does I remember moving primary school and some kid, the rich kid would always have like a baby G watch? And you'd press the light and there'd be a tiny little pixelated man that would do a snowboarding trick or something like that. And that, I thought, was a gift from the gods.

So I can only imagine what it'd be like if I was Moldy and saw a pocket watch. So it'd be like a baby G equivalent. Yeah. By the way, that's also the best reaction you can get to a pocket watch. Like, check it out. It keeps time. This is the gods.

sure yeah it's the gods yeah totally for sure it's that too anyway I got a 430 I gotta get moving guys so so it was all going well until the captain accidentally dropped the watch into the harbor to the Maori this was a

I fucked up to the Maori this was a bad omen that evening the commerce took off without the usual protocol and goodbyes probably mad about the watch sure to the meow moir okay fuck when I came in here to the grain road

I go, are there going to be many words in Tileo because I'm not going to be much help? And he said, no, it's fine, there's hardly any at all. So far it's been 90% Tileo. Yeah, I forgot. I felt like when I was writing it, I was like, I thought this would be a lot worse. But it turns out I can't say just the Māori.

No, you're trying hard. It's me and David who should be embarrassed. You're trying. Fangaroa, is it? Fangaro is it? Fangaro is the word we're trying to say? Fangaroa? and Moldy. But yeah, you're doing great job.

I nailed that one. Now, look, as New Zealanders, we just appreciate people coming here. You know? This is the... You set a low bar with a tree. Honestly, at the end of the movie Point Break, when the dude says he's going to paddle to New Zealand,

that was the proudest moment in our nation's history. For literally 25 years until Lord of the Rings came out, that was us. We're so proud. So the ship takes off And without saying goodbye So the Māori thought that was Bad intent that the captain was like he was up to something

Turns out they were sort of right Because someone on the ship had the flu The Maori had no resistance for some reason 60 died Soon after the ship sailed off The tragedy demanded Utu How you doing? I'm leaving.

What did it happen just now? Oh, yeah. Okay, so I'm going to try to explain this. It's a little bit difficult for guys like us. Sure. So Utu is a Māori concept of reciprocation or balance. To retain mana, both friendly and unfriendly actions require an appropriate response. So Utu covers both the reciprocation of kind deeds and the seeking of revenge.

It's to balance shit out. Okay. Sounds carmic. Yeah, kind of in a way. Mana is a concept that basically can't be described by our stupid white man words. So it's, I tried to, I was like, I give up. Okay. So what was the disease he gave them?

Oh, the, was it the flu that came? We? I didn't. Yeah. What did you get a little personal? Guy, guy, guy, don't do this. Yeah, the flu. It was just a common flu. And they were like, yeah, Bob's got the flu on the boat. and then they're like, oh, everybody's dying.

So I think I don't have the best understanding, but I think the way it would work is that they gave the flu to them. So in response, they need to give them chlamydia or something. Right. I don't know if that's technically right, but I think that's in the ballpark. It's close. Yeah, I cannot see what's wrong with that. So now the whites had brought something that was hurting and killing the Māori,

so they had the right to reply in some way. If you don't reply, your family and others will ask why, you aren't balancing out the situation. Gotcha. Okay. That's a good philosophy. Yeah. I can't wait how they're going to balance out 60 people dying of the flu.

Hold on. It's going to be tough. I'm excited to find out how they did. And that wasn't the only thing that needed balancing. This is when the Boyd came rolling in in December 1909. During the journey from Sydney to New Zealand, the relationship between the captain and George had gone south. Yeah, well, George had an attitude

ever since his name was removed. I mean, he's not been the George we knew and loved since then. George refused to work for his passage. He had already worked over a year on other ships and received nothing for his work, so he considered himself injured. Okay.

But other Māori were working so the captain didn't get why George wasn't, and so he had George flogged, as was custom at sea, but not really custom for a prince. So, uh, some say,

some say George is too sick to work. Another account said the ships cook accidentally threw some pewter spoons overboard and then accused George of stealing him. So that's why he was flogged. Alexander Barry in a letter. He threw some spoons. He threw some spoons.

Yeah, he accidentally tossed spoons over and then he was like, George threw the spoons. That's so George. Why would you steal the spoons on a boat? Like, well, you don't want people eating. soup, right? He was the anti-soup movement.

He was really against soup. Yeah. And stirring. Who thinks up there is a crime? I'm going to steal all the spoons. Well, they were killing people for taking handkerchief, so it's a fucked up time. Alexander Barry in a letter describing the event said, quote, the captain had been rather too hasty in resenting some slight theft. Either way, flogging a chief, as he was considered, were basically belittling him and

destroying his mana. I think it's a chill. His chill. This was a serious cultural difference. George was considered a chief, so in the Māori world, he had the right to tell everyone on the ship what to do. And now he's being beaten and deprived of food.

Right. Oh, right, they put him in a room and they stopped feeding him. I know that sounds bad, but he did possibly steal some spoons. So clearly this would also demand U-Tu. There was a 15-year-old cabin boy on the ship named Tom Davis and he secretly

gave George food after he was flogged and locked away. So now the Boyd rolls into the harbor and drops anchor with the expectation of getting some really fucking awesome wood from your really great trees. Cowdy tree. Cowdy tree.

Just a bunch of people touching it. That's the one with all the guys around it. Why are there so many people on the boat but they wouldn't let go with a tree? I'm sorry. We brought them. You guys have never touched a fucking cowdy tree. Don't take the piss out of it. Wow.

There. Wow. It's really cocky for people who don't live near Sequoias. Have you ever kissed this? What up? What up? Yeah, I fucking threw down to sequoias. David, David, David.

You want some? Dave, David, David. Try to fucking wrap burns around that. David, David. It's huge. Dave. The hell just happened to you. People are throwing trees in my face.

I'm just saying, we got better... I'm just saying, we got better... And if they did, from what I hear, it'd be a great experience. We got better trees! Don't... What? Yeah. And that's where the show took a very bad turn.

Ever heard of a Putakawa tree, mate? All right. Don't even get me started on Riemu. Totera? Panga. Okay. Are you guys just throwing a lot of names out there? Yeah, sadly...

Suddenly the white guys know a lot of words. So, living nearby were around 17,000 or so Māori who were looking for Utu. Wow. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot of Utu. And they didn't even know what had happened to George yet. Oh, Jesus. I thought this was a retaliation moment for George.

They're going to be happy. So just inside the harbor, the Boyd had dropped anchor in a place surrounded by Cowdy trees. Cowdy? Yeah. Yeah, fucking nailed it. At some point, George is able to see his people and show the whip marks on his back. Then George and his brother,

Tapuhi. Tim. It's fucked up because the other guy's Tapahi and this guy's Tapuhi. So it's... And I phonetically put poo there. What do you want to do? Go back and tell them to

differentiate their names? Your name is Dave and he's David. This is confusing for everybody. And guy looks like David. Yeah, literally. Missed up. So, Tapui told Captain Thompson better Cowdy was further inland.

Who wouldn't listen to a guy that his brother was just flogged? Oh, boy. Just a little further. Little further. Right up here where all these men with knives are. Right around here. So Captain Thompson sailed further up the

Cayor River. A few days later, the captain and three boatloads of sailors were escorted up the Kaior River by... Okay, you always struggle with it once. Why I tempted a second time? It's just hard.

I can't even get at what river you're trying to get at there. You're doing well. We're glad you've come here all the way from another land. It's like the mom I never had. Just being really nice. Keep trying. You tried.

You tried. You guys tried. So they're being let up the river. They had no idea they were being taken to the village of George's tribe. Right as they were brought ashore, the warriors turned on them and started angrily scolding

Captain Thompson for his treatment of George. Dope. It's Ootoo Time. Yeah. The captain tried to negotiate with George's brother, Tapuhee, but he was having none of it. Tapuie then shouted, kill them and it was on. The attack was so fast, the sailors were unable

to fire a single shot. They were all dead. Wow. Wow! That's like, that is like some matrix shit. They escalated. That's one of those things where the lights go out and then they're on and everyone's dead. Wait, what happened? So the Europeans

had guns and the Maldi had no guns. No guns. And they just massacres. They may be proud to be in New Zealand almost. But you're a year. European. Any more details

on how they went down? No, it just, that's all they that was all the record was that they didn't have chance to fire a shot. I assume they were completely surrounded and, you know, and they were just waiting to, you know. Yeah. Well, it's also when it took a minute to load a gun too. Yeah, because the Europeans

Yeah, and the Europeans were like, hey man, we're here to just hang out. So where are these great trees? Oh shit, hurry, load them. All right, hand me that, hand me that, give me that, give me the gun powder, put that in there, get the gunpowder, get the bullet. Oh God, we're all dead. So then the Māori got busy eating them. Oh, okay.

No, that's what you would do. Don't like that. You don't give up God, eat them. It's fucking... Yum. Yum strong. Are you honestly saying here and you wouldn't be a little bit tempted to taste some human?

I personally am not, and this is no offense to your culture. I'm not I mean, I don't eat meat in general. I guess I would go with man if I had to go back. Maybe I need a bit of man. You're sick, mate. You are sick.

How long after until they start eating? They get on it pretty quick. Is it a, is it out of hunger or is it out? It's a whole ceremony thing that they do. Does the meat, when you hunt animals, doesn't, if you shoot the animal but it's startled or in pain, the meat

spoils or something, am I right? So I'm guessing this would be some very spoiled human meat. Are you saying that if you shoot an animal that's freaked out, that the meat's not good? Is that some... Yeah. Is that really supposed to be a thing? That's why you surprise them. There are some that they're really going to sneak up.

Yeah, the idea, like the idea of the last thing that the flesh or eating experience was total fear. And that that's, that... And you obviously don't... That's what I like about that... No. When I go to the butcher, I go... What was the most frightened today? Yeah, no.

No, Dave's walked back into a subway and been like, I don't know, wasn't that scared? I don't know. Good turkey sandwich, but wasn't that scared? Here in New Zealand, you know, you got to be sneaky. You sneak up, you surprise it, and fucking stab it. And then you eat it. Yeah.

Okay. Are we talking about people? We're talking about people or animals? They're both talking about people. Okay. Yeah. So there is no written description of them eating Captain Thompson and his men, but I took

They had greasy fingers. They couldn't How are you going to write it down? You just ate barbecue. Yeah. I took a description of another time white guys were eaten by the Māori so you can get the feel. Great. Wanted to have that. Quote, I watched the preparation of the body by the

white soldier for the warrior's feast. The head was first cut off with a tomahawk and then the body was cut open prepared as a butcher prepares. A beast he is killed. The body was laid on red hot stones in the bottom of the imu which is an earth oven so that the outer skin could be scraped off easily this had this was done by the cannibal cooks with

sharp cockle shells water was then poured over the hot stones to create steam which was to cook the meal and green leaves were spread on top of the stones then the man meat was placed in the oven the body was cut up into convenient portions and arranged so as to cook it thoroughly. Because you don't want raw, dude. No. No. You don't want whooshy. The oven was

five feet long and about three feet deep and there were several layers of meat with green leaves between each. Some of the pieces such as the rib portions were set on the edge with hot stones between them. The thickest pieces were the meat cut from the thighs. The hands were laid with the palms

up because when they cook they would curl up. Oh, wow. That's how you know you're eating a lot of man. It's like, nah, it's way better like this. Then they curl. Who wants a fist? Dipp it in the ranch. It's really good. Have you had fist dippers?

Have some fist poppers? Come on. Who's writing this down as well? Who's the historian, brave enough, to see dudes eating men and go, I'm just going to take this down. What are you writing? Nothing.

What Dave isn't revealing is the last thing he wrote was, oh, fuck. They did it right, though. I mean, so far. But this is an account of the time in the story. No, but this is the general sort of ceremony that's done. Yeah, it all sounds yum so far. I feel very peckish. Yeah.

So the hands curl up. We remember. And the hollow palm was full of gravy. What? Oh, my God. Okay. Now, you mind that up. Now, okay, this is the thing.

That it is, to me, it's crazy, obviously, but it is crazy to not see some sort of, like, we eat, humans eat flesh all the time. So this is just, this is flesh, and it sounds like they're doing, I mean, if they're putting gravy in palms, they kind of know what they're doing. Yeah, yeah, no. I don't eat meat, and I'm like, I mean, I'd take a bite of a gravy palm.

Yeah, look, they've, they've, clearly been working with recipes and no I don't think it's a big deal to why not fucking eat people at this point with the population out of control we should switch KFC should just start cooking humans. Boom. You get like a sort of a brain disease don't you

if you start eating people. That's actually I believe eating brain. I don't think it's from as I recall I think that was So if you avoid the brain you're fine. Yeah I believe I believe Let's do it then. Quick sidebar David how do you know this? Did you think

I'm going to eat my mate and then pulled out of it? of it after a quick good news. No, you get on the internet and you read things, don't you? You know, you have to think these things through.

You're just bait clicking through some cannibal stuff. Well, remember, maybe it'd be tickled. Or maybe you're like, maybe you're looking into whether or not you should eat people and you're like, oh, no, I don't want to go crazy.

What is this? A fist recipe, I guess. Oh, gravy in the palm. I think, though, I think if, if you were presented with, like, eating the flesh of your worst enemy, yep.

Or eating, like, the flesh of, like, this new puppy that you'd got. So I'm choosing between eating my old riding partner and a dog. Yeah. A puppy. So you got a pick. You'd probably pick the human.

What would you pick? Yeah, I'd probably eat, uh, BJ. Exactly. We don't need to get his name involved. I think we do. I think we do. BJ. No, I would not want to eat a puppy.

But like if there was like a, like a, you know, dead dude, I'd be like, all right, I'll shake some thigh. I don't think you're near exactly what David is saying, because you're just saying, yeah, I'll eat the dude over a puppy. He was sort of bringing some sort of spiritual element to it, but it seems like you want to eat men, honestly. I mean, is that what this is? What happened?

That is what this is. What happened with BJ? Oh, he was a monster. He would screw him me all the time, and eventually we had a show at Amazon, and he delayed it so long that they ended the deal. Oh, no, shrivel his hands and the palms and the gravy. eat that shirt.

Yeah, and then I ate him. But that's Hollywood. That's just Hollywood. That's just what we do there. We eat our enemies. So, okay, so there's gravy. We know there's gravy in the goddamn palm. The gravy hand thing

was a great delicacy to the older Maori. Mats and other coverings were laid on top again and water poured over them, and then the earth was laid overall so that no steam was permitted to escape and the body took between two to three hours to cook. So they're just brazing the human. It's like a...

It's like a... What? I think they want us to hug them, Dave. And we're in their world. We should hug them because we know what happens if we don't live through it. Just all yell at once. One, two, three.

Honey? That didn't help. What is happening? Honey. It's when you cook underground. You don't need to get frustrated with us, okay? You should have seen the look on their faces. They're like, Jesus Christ, how many times do you have to shout it at your face?

But it's like in Hawaii, they bury a pig. But it's not called... No, we're not talking about clams right now. It's not Hawaii, so we have a different name. I was just saying that it's sort of the same idea behind it. Yeah, I love you just discovered languages. No, no way they don't call it this. What's going on?

You know, in America, it hasn't caught on, so it's not real. So you guys know. So those guys, Thompson and the other guys were eaten. And as word spread, people from neighboring villages came to partake in the meal after the, you know, U-Too. So they believe, obviously, this was U-2 for the poisoning of the harbor. and that it killed so many people. So at night, the warriors put on the clothes of the dead sailors, grabbed their muskets,

and paddled back to the Boyd in the boats. Oh, boy. Oh, Boyd. And when they got to the Boyd, they were greeted by the crew who were like, hey, you guys, what's going on? You guys look great. But it wasn't the crew. This is dope.

This is like, has anyone seen the movie Face Off? Yeah. This is basically the same concept. I don't know if they saw face off back then but I like the way they're going with us. Well that's actually how they prepared their meals. What year is this? Sorry, was this supposed to be... It's like 1808 or 1808.

1808, okay, okay, okay. So they're greeted by the crew. The crew's like, hey, what's up? And other Māori were waiting nearby for the signal to attack. And then the guys in the outfits quietly slipped onto the ship. Most of the crew were killed in their beds. Then their bodies were taken onto the deck.

The passengers were brought up to the deck and then killed. Five of the passengers managed to get up into the masts where they remained safely for a little while. Oh, God. I mean, that is like, that is a nightmarish way to go. Yeah. That truly is. To be like on a mask, like, oh, God, they're getting up here.

And they were looking down as the Māori carved up the crew and everybody else getting ready for the feast. I think we've got to pray for them to get full. That's our biggest hope is that they get full fast. So they're like preparing the meat down below. Oh, my God. Okay, so I think that they're planning on eating all of us.

As I'm looking down there now, they're really having. I mean, they're making salads. I don't think this is a whole thing they're doing. You look concerned. No, it's just such an image. It's like a film. It's amazing. Yeah, no, it's fucking insane.

You couldn't write that. awful. It's really awful. Yeah. No, it's not great. Awful. I mean, you, you, but you were involved in tickled. That was fucked up too. It's just tickling. This is fucked up.

Was it just tickling? It wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't. It never is, is it? It's about power. I think this is great. The story has gone from zero to 100 real quick. It's that image, like up the fucking mass, looking down, a feeding frenzy.

You're like trades going great. Christianity's coming on board. We're all getting together. We've got a prefab godage. All our buddies are coming back on a boat. Now of a sudden it's taking a real turn. But fair enough, you know, you gotta get Utu. When you've got to get Utu?

So in the morning, Tupahi arrived from the Bay of Islands. He come to do some trading with the Fangaroa Maori, and then he was like, what the fuck? Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys! What are we doing? You're hungry? The people on the mass...

He saved your gravy fist. The people on the mass screamed out to him for help, and he was able somehow to take them to shore. But it wasn't a great escape because the Fengroa tribe saw him and gave chase in their canoes, and once the passengers were on shore, Tupu's warriors ran after them and clubbed them to death.

All but one, apparently. Of all the people on the ship, now only five people were allowed to live. live. Anne Morley was a passenger with a baby, and some Maori women felt sorry for her. They helped her get onshore and hide. The cabin boy who had given George food was allowed to live.

That's a good move. He was a legion. Love that guy. You never know what a little act of kindness is going to do to you guys. Think about that when you tweeted me. There was also two-year-old Betsy Broughton who was allowed to live. Her mother, not so much. didn't make the

yeah didn't make it she was clubbed to death which is a cool thing for a two year old to see and then the only man who was alive the adult male was the second mate who they were going to keep as a slave

okay so he made a compromise yeah negotiated tapuhi's men started plundering the ship they towed it to a mudflap mud flat and spent some time stripping the ship the thing they really wanted were the muskets

in the weapon storage room, so they broke in and saw some barrels. The Maui were not familiar with how gunpowder worked, and it assumed they tried to break into the barrels because there was a massive explosion. Oh, God. The ship deck was blasted towards the sky.

Pieces of body and ship parts rained down into the water. Oh, my God. Who's going to live? Anyone living? Does anyone walk away from this one? This is crue. That's a conage. Yeah, yeah, it's not great.

The ship had a cargo of whale oil and coal, so it just sat there fucking burning big time. It's like a Michael Bay film. It's just like... It's just like... You know, it's looking everywhere

and it's just chaos and you don't know why you're watching it, but it's just happening, and it's crazy. The explosion knocked the ship loose from its anchor, so it drifted burning across the harbor and then sank.

Okay. So this whole thing was a pretty big deal in the harbor. People reacted to what had happened? Yeah, the news spread and... Honey, they're not talking about boats anymore for some reason. I mean, sort of. The news spread and reached the Bay of Islands

where Captain Barry of the city of Edinburgh ship had made a deal with the Maudi there. And he was having the... Your tree, the... Cody? Yeah, he was having spars put on a ship. Like, he's fucking killing it. And then he noticed some men talking, and the interpreter came over and said he had something to tell him.

But first he had to finish paying for the spars. All right. Eight, nine, ten. Everyone you know is gone. Pleasure, as usual. Quote. His request being complied with, he then informed us that he had received accounts from those people of the capture of a ship by the natives of Thangaroa, who had killed and eat.

the captain and crew. That's a weird thing to hear. Yeah, I mean, you've got to break that, you've got to chunk that out a little bit. I'm sorry, could you go back? So there was a huge fight, and, you know, a lot of people have passed. And a lot of people you know are probably gone.

Yeah. Yeah, so that's so hard. It's really hard to hear. Yeah, no. And then, you know, I mean, yeah, I mean, so take that in. And then, you know, after that, they were they you know they

prepared the the people that for the burial yeah for the burial sort of you know they kind of they kind of they kind of buried them in a grill

it's sort of they buried them in a grill for like two to three hours excuse me they put them down they buried them in a you know you're talking about a honey

mm-hmm yeah I am I'm glad you are familiar with the terminology and so they so they they buried them in a grill

and then they they exhumed the bodies for a... Well, let me finish. Okay. Yeah, they exhumed the bodies for a barbecue. What are they...

Like a pig or... Your friends. And they ate them. All the people that you like and love, and they're gone. And they ate them, and they have this thing they do. No, no. And you've got to see this, because this is some, like, Rachel Ray shit right here.

This is like... They do a whole spread where they've got... But the hand, you wouldn't think, because if you cook, and I'm sorry, just let me, if you cook a hand down, you're missing the best part. Because it makes a great little gravy spoon.

It's almost nature's ladle. It's like God made a big spoon for you. Speaking of spoons, we're missing a bunch. Anyway, they're, they're gone. Other than that, are you good? Are you? So, right, so that the Fangaro tribe have procured the firearms and ammunition of the ship and elated with their victory,

although the only result of surprise and treachery had determined to come around and attack our ship. Therefore, he observed, you must no longer weaken yourselves by sending away boats for spars, but must keep all your men on board and quit New Zealand as soon as possible. And besides, while it may be necessary to remain, here you ought to receive on board all my friends of dependence. in assisting in defending you. So this Maori guy wants to help. Right. But he's also like, you should, really, it's bad.

It's not good. Yeah, you guys probably shouldn't come here because we've been eating each other for a while. You guys just aren't used to it. So Barry decided to send around an armed party to see if the story was true. He also wanted to rescue the captives and look for survivors. So Barry arrived in three ships with armed men,

and they saw what was left of the boyd. which is basically just underwater. Like a piece of fiery wood? Yeah. Barry said it was, quote, the most melancholy picture of wanton mischief. That doesn't sound that bad.

That's pretty, yeah, that's an underwhelming way of putting it. Sorry, under-filming. But that really is like, hey, it's a real bummer. That sucks. What's been going on here? Well, it seems like a lot of mischief has gone on. A lot of melancholy,

mischief. Everyone's gone and eaten. This is a bit of a melancholy scene. Barry had brought along another chief who landed first and went up to George and Tapuhi and some other warriors who had taken part in the massacre.

George and Tapuhi were both wearing cloaks made out of canvas from the sailcloth of the Boyd. Yeah. Sure, sure. So they made hammer pants out of it. Look, if you take down a boat as Legendary as the Boyd, you're going to want to rock like the sails

and threads. It's just a good look. Yeah, you've got to bring it. You'd be silly not to. So George and Tapuhi rolled up with a lot of confidence and held out their hands as if they were welcoming all the acquaintances. Hey, guys, what's up with you guys? What do you guys have been doing?

You hungry? Do you eat? We got some Bob over here. Oh, you're going to love it. They quickly started talking about the massacre and had no problems discussing the details. I was hilarious

You should have been there The whole time we were saying We wish you were there It was fucking crazy to be honest What a feast Barry said they acted like it was Some successful attempt Against an enemy's ship or superior force

They said the reason for the attack Was the flogging They also said there were some survivors To get the survivors Barry made an offer They could either accept a trade of a pile of axes for the captives or Barry would have his men shoot at them

and they would have a war. Say again. So he's like you can have all these axes that I have. Cool. One big pile of axes. Give me the captives. The axes of evil. Or behind Curtin B

we're just going to start shooting at you. Take the axes. Yeah. Take the axes. Definitely. Absolutely. Every time. Yeah.

My guess is they took the axes. Right, Dave? After a moment, the two chiefs said, quote, trading was better than fighting, and they had a deal. Okay, that is shocking news. They asked Barry to spend the night and have a meal of fish. I didn't know fish had fingernail.

Those are scales. But Barry was thinking he would be the meal if he took them up on the offer. I mean, that's like a Looney Tunes moment where it's like, stay for dinner. Wait a minute, I'm dinner. Go ahead and just step in the pot. Okay, cut these carrots, fine, into the stew. Wait a minute. That's exactly what happened at Louie.

Yeah, Elmer Fudd went through that 30 times. How many times do they make us Fud's soup? Quote, we had seen the mangled fragments and fresh bones of our countrymen with marks even of teeth remaining on them, and it certainly could not be agreeable to pass the night by the side of their devourers. It's fair. It's a conflicting moment. You guys are totally nice, but also you ate our bros.

And they're there. Right there. He spent the night on one of his boats. In the morning, the Mowdy brought Anne Morley and the baby and the cabin boy, Tom Davis, and told Captain Barry the two-year-old girl and second mate were still alive. When they looked into it, it turned out the second mate had been given to a neighboring chief as a gift. And he kept the second mate alive to make fish hooks from the ship's metal fittings.

But the second mate was really bad at making fish hooks, so he was killed and eaten. Fair enough. But also... You can't make some fish hooks, you deserve it. This is also a good, like, try. You know what I mean? Put some effort into something.

Yeah, yeah. If there's ever been a motivating moment to make good fish hooks. Yeah, this is not the time to half. It's knowing that if they can't fish, you're salmon. Go ahead. I like you just grabbed your chest, like, oh, my stars. My stars.

Two-year-old Betsy had been given to a chief of the naughty poo who controlled the islands just outside of the mouth of the Fangaro Harbor. Captain Barry happened to be a good friend of the father of the two-year-old girl. So he kind of wanted to rescue her. Mm-hmm. So he pulled a pistol at George and to Poohey and forced them onto one of his ships to go with him to one of the islands.

Not a good move, right? Is this all happening very quickly? Or is this over like the space of a week or a month? Yeah, no, it's happening pretty quick. It's not, it's all... It's all like in 20 minutes. Maybe it's going down.

Okay, just checking. Okay. So, no, you said a Michael Bay movie. We're in the third act. So when he got to the island... The part where everyone leaves. When they got to the island, threatened to kill every single naughty poo if Betsy was not returned and she was handed over

she was wearing the linen shirt of dead Captain Thomas and had put feathers in and they had put feathers in her hair so that's nice that's cute when she saw the white people in the boat she yelled out mama how is everybody sometimes when you're when you're researching these stories you just sort of go oh god it's like it's too much yeah yeah this one was really fucking but also sometimes it's so, like this is so crazy over the top that I start to detach from it. Like it just becomes insane. Yeah, just keep going. Like a Michael Bayfield.

Like a Michael Bayfield. There's really no story. It's just set pieces of action. It's true. So, George and Tapuhee had fulfilled their end of the bargain. Captain Barry also heard that the ship's log and other valuable papers were around somewhere.

So he had George and Tapuhee put in leg irons and left on the Bay of Islands. He said they would be released when the papers were turned over. This is a really, this is really nice. You're just getting nitpicky. Yeah. And it's a bad call. Well, the papers appeared. There were a few books, a box full letters, some bills, documents.

And when the papers were handed over, Barry went back on his word. He wrote, quote, if an enlightened, sorry, if an Englishman committed a single murder, he was hanged. but they had massacred a whole ship's crew and therefore could expect no mercy. But as their chiefs, I would not degrade them by hanging but would shoot them. That's nice.

What a sweetie. He's being cool. He's not going to hang out. He's breaking a deal though, right? I'm just getting interested in the story now. How did the tables turn? Just now? Just at this moment.

The start of it being kind of in and out. How did the tables turn? Because it seemed like the Moldi were well in control and then the two guys rocked in the same. So when they showed up, George and Tabuhi were like, hey, man, what are you guys doing? Like, totally, like, the U-2s happened. We're all cool. Yeah.

And then he pulled the gun on him. And at that point, when they have guns pointed out of him, what are you going to do? It's the old, you know. The old trick, the old trick-a-roo. Yeah. The old trick-a-roo. It's actually pronounced trike-ir-ru. Let's be clear.

So Barry loaded two muskets himself. He appointed executioners, who, were two crewmen who were also Pacific Islanders. They took aim and fired. Nothing happened. Captain Barry had only loaded the guns with powder, not musket balls. He wanted to

humiliate the chiefs to show them he had power of life and death over them. What a trickster. I'm joshing, you guys. Good Lord. Come on. Barry then told them he would spare their lives if they would become slaves

of one of... Is that sparing a life? No, it'll just be hell while you live, I mean. If they become slaves of one of Barry's Maori allies, they took the deal. But that didn't hold up as soon as they could, the other Maori just let them go.

Yeah. For sure. And then George and Tapu he wrote a letter to Barry, thanking him for their liberty and saying if he had injured them, it would have led to Utu. man this just never ends after Barry wrote a general warning

to ship's masters about the Boyd Massacre it was sent around the Pacific the warning named the man responsible for the massacre as Tapuhi not Tapuhi totally different dude sorry it's like Tipo it's like they just spelled it differently

it's Tipohi it's so it's just spelled incorrectly Okay Topahi was obviously the respected chief of Bay of Islands. He showed up right, he was the guy who loved the trading.

So, he was known as a big peacemaker. He understood the advantage of trading, as we talked about. So word gets out. How about how much you're smiling about something that's about to happen? So word gets out. There's a

broadsheet print in London of the massacre. It describes the atrocious and horrible massacre of the Boyd, quote, crew of ship Boyd Captain Thompson who were murdered and devoured by cannibals of New Zealand. So then the warning of cannibals went out. Be warned he captains by the fate of Thompson and his crew. Touch not that cursed shore lest you.

These cannibals purse those most murderous fiends who live by blood. So everyone now thinks that cannibals are, you know, eaten, which kind of is... But it's almost like good PR in the sense that it's like, don't fuck around. Yeah, people like this isn't a place to probably don't go there. Right.

Yeah. Except there's such good wood. Yeah, the wood is amazing. It's such a hard thing to balance. Yeah, the wood, yeah. It's actually the foot. So everyone's freaked out by these cannibals of New Zealand.

On March the 7th, 1810, five whaling boats landed at the Bay of Islands looking for revenge. They were looking for Topahi because the name had been spelled incorrectly. Gary, Gareth. Isn't it? Similar.

It is. The amount of times. Yeah, yeah. I feel the pain. While they were there, they saw a boat that belonged to the Boyd, and they saw a Māori walking around in European clothing, and to them, that was proof. Tapahi thought they were more ships that had come to trade with them,

and he came down and welcomed them, and then they shot him. and then they shot everyone else. It was said that every man, woman, and child in sight was shot. Tapahi was shot in the neck and chest, and he somehow managed to escape alive to the mainland. What a rock star, right? Yeah, fuck, this guy is fucking, and now we, so here's the hero of the Michael Bay movie.

It really is a Michael Bay thing, too. You wouldn't survive that. Shot in the head and neck, he's like, I got a plan. They missed every vital organ. I'm sure they did. This fucking guy. This is such an amazing movie It makes me wonder why New Zealand's

Pissing around with the Hobbit franchise They're seen on the bow where they're trapped up the top of the mast And they're just eating everyone down below It's like, perfect What are you doing? Tickled mate, this is way better I'm an idiot, one trick pony That's all I've got

But I'm taking this story We have to sure Have you gone to David Farrier's gravy palm It's unbelievable You have to go there They can do your version of Outback Steakhouse in America. Oh, yeah. That would be how you get us back.

Be like, come down to American Joe's. We eat gravy palms. With the Cowdy, by the way, what we do with it is because it's so big, like the thing when you go and visit a big Caldy tree is you hug it. Because to emphasize, you try and hug it because it's so big, you can't get your arms around. Okay. Even I'm off board now

I'm like It's true We're weird But we're not that weird It's just saying That's what everyone tries to do Look you're talking to a guy Who likes sequoias

It's the biggest It's the biggest tree in the fucking world So Dave has sex with the sequoias He calls it sequoitis But can you make a sequoia Into a door Checkmate

New Zealand wins again So Is this all 100% accurate? Yes. Because I am sitting here a little bit worried. Like if this is not really accurate, then fucking racist. But we're all good.

Almost all of this came from New Zealand actual government and like, you know, professors and stuff like that. I'm amazed I haven't heard this story at all because there's a lot of great stories. We've got the story of Honey Hooker, cutting down the flagpole. I'm surprised we didn't do that one. You're welcome.

back, you know, any people from Faraway Landser Well can be any time to tell their stories. Thank you, David. Thank you, David. Thank you. Yeah. Now, the Maori, the Maori, were very surprised that Tupahi had been blamed for what had

happened to the Boyd. Now, he survived and, but then the events that it all just occurred. Events. Led to Mischief.

Led to the Fengaroa tribes going to war with Tupai's people. So all of this shit led to the tribes fighting each other, which is pretty standard for here from what I've read. So he died in that intertribal fighting.

the Fengaroa Māori and the Bay of Islands people were in war for a long time in 1812, three years after the massacre of his tribe, the Lord's Committee of the Privy Council fucking British people held an...

The Lord's Privy! And the council we've had a quick sidebar with the Lord very happy, very happy. You're all privy to the Lord.

Right, so three years later, the solicitor general wrote to them saying, In his opinion, the whalers were guilty of murder when they attacked to Pahey's people. In the eyes of English justice, to Pahey was innocent. Two-year-old Betsy went on to have... That's sort of shocking, right?

Totally shocking. Totally shocking. I mean, that is what is... The idea that you never pay attention to where it actually started, like you really we have such short attention spans and always have when it comes to that stuff where it's just like well what just happened it's like well where did it start from it started from bullshit but that's because in America so that's the thing I've noticed about both Australia and this history a little bit is that there were there were people who were like yeah no don't fucking kill everybody not in America they were just like fucking burn it down and that's still elected yeah that's changed so Two-year-old Betsy went on to have a long and happy life. She married a wealthy Australian sheep farmer and had 17 children.

Jesus. Did she have a happy life? Or we were constantly like, ice! So these are like the post-credit text titles. That's right. This is like the where, yeah, what happened to you? Just taking notes. I'm unemployed right now, so like I need a new thing.

This is great. Okay, post-credit notes. Yeah. She had 17 children, 78 grandchildren, and 18 great-grandchildren. and 18 great-grandchildren she watched them grow up before she died That's fucking crazy So she started having babies at like nine

Yeah Her home She would open a grill Her home near Sydney is now a And that's where they turned Her home near Sydney is now a National Trust Heritage building Anne Morley who was saved with her baby

Took another ship back to England After the ordeal That ship stopped in Lima, Peru, where she died like it was a prequel to final destination. Oh, my God. Why do people get on boats? To get in the paper. They always die.

Tom Davis, the cabin boy, lived another 13 years, then he drowned off New South Wales. So we're really hanging our hat on the 78 grandchildren. Yeah. After the massacre, New Zealand and especially the Fangaroa harbor were seen as a dangerous place full of cannibals. The Māori became feared. When Samuel Marston arrived in 1814 to establish his church missionary society, tensions between the two tribes were still simmering. He invited the chiefs from the Fangaroa and the Bay of Islands aboard a ship and gave them gifts and asked them to ensure peace between their people.

Eat them. Eat that motherfucker. By piece, I mean a piece of your rib. I thought you said, Eden? And I was like, oh, Christianity. It's all coming back. You know? It's like, oh, Christian reference.

I'm on board. Anyway, sorry, eat them. Yeah. Marsden said, quote, each chiefs lived the other and then went around to each one pressing their noses together. They also assured him

that they would never harm another European. That doesn't happen. There, Marsden, learned the truth about what had happened and that Tapahi was incorrectly blamed for the boyd. He went about trying to clear the name of Tapahi, but Captain

Barry was convinced he had been there from the beginning and had given the signal for the attack. Barry also alleged Tapahi had gotten the five passengers down from the mast in order to get them on land so they could be killed. Well, you've got to get them down. Someone's got to do it.

They can't just stay out there forever. Yeah, but so this so it's Barry. Captain Barry. Captain Barry. Yeah, so he was just kind of a dick a little bit. There was a travel advisory for some Europeans. The Boyd Incident put New Zealand in the avoid, if at all, possible category.

Really? A pamphlet circulating in Europe-born sailors off the cannibal aisles. Touch not that cursed shore lest you these cannibals pursue. We still tell that to Americans to this day. And we still came. So bowls. Wait a minute, aren't we having dinner after this? You bastards!

So in the end, there was one guy arguing that Tupahi had done it when he really hadn't. Right, when he was trying to help. Yeah. Well, that was fucking crazy. What happened to the lady in the house who was saving up for a good day?

Oh. They never went back. She's still there. Is my husband here? Hello? She is in mint condition. Hello. Boy, that is crazy.

When you were selecting stories for New Zealand, were there a few that you sort of had to whittle down? Well, there was one about you in the tree, but it didn't have enough meat on the phone. Were there a few? There were three. Okay. Got to save them.

One, yeah, I'll probably do one again another time, but it's a fascinating story. about a mayor that I don't know what city was in but he's the first Lynn Brown the first out oh those little story there it was the first outed uh uh gay guy really in New Zealand and it doesn't go well I don't know that story either it's fascinating well we just did one let's everybody calm the fuck there were also there were like two other ship incidents that were like this that just went fucking crazy shipcidents yeah yeah uh what I do like

is that it feels even-ish at points in the story like well yeah like which we rarely actually hear the sort of like that's sort of what we were saying a couple day like the way

the white people took over America there wasn't I mean they just went all in yeah we went all in some escalation going on where it's like back and forth yeah a little bit I mean I know it's not a pillow to put your head on but um there's actually

an amazing New Zealand film called Utu oh there is the you must watch it's real kick ass okay it's not about this it's another

Utu okay do you mean YouTube yeah okay sorry there's a great New Zealand film you should check out

it's called The Hobbit 2 it's very similar to this I think we know that one but the the Māori were fucking badass fighters and they were like

in America we had some tribes like the Nes Pierce who were the same thing where the whites rolled in and they were like, oh these guys are good at fighting and they would just get fucking killed. But I also like the idea that like it all comes from like balance. Like that

there's something about they were trying to, I mean granted they went you know deep in the barbecuing but it is responding to like unsolicited violence. Right? Yeah. He was responding to the flu wasn't it? Or the flogging.

More the flogging. I mean, I guess probably both. But the flogging to me is the one where it's like, you just, you know, it's a fucking, what the fuck? You beat the shit out of a guy. I mean, it's going to piss off people who like him. Yeah, at the end. And you can't be upset at the retaliation. Be like, no, come on.

I was just hitting him. It's like, well, get in the barbecue, motherfucker. That's how we do it. Sorry, bro. They, um, I forgot what I was going to say. It's okay. I think you were going to say what I said, which is get in the barbecue, motherfucker.

It's the catch. phrase of New Zealand. Besides hugging the tree. Throw another man on the bobby. We actually have a famous butcher chain here in New Zealand called the Mad Butcher. And I somehow feel like this is somehow related. It's so weird. Our main celebrities

in New Zealand, like literally there's like two main ones. One is a wizard. And actually, down south. An actual wizard? An actual wizard. That's all he's on TV for. It's like, this is a wizard. This is what he's got to say. What the fuck does that even mean?

What does he have to say? Don't worry about it. He's a wizard. The other main one, our other main celebrity. What is he like? The goblins are coming. Is it Gandalf? Our other, no, he's just the wizard.

That's his name. The other main celebrity we have is a butcher. What are the fuck is happening? He's mad and he's called the mad butcher. And he's our main guy. And boy mad, we mean racist. Right. He's a racist butcher who sells me.

Yeah. It's a real downfall. Well, it's good to hear he's franchising. Things get really weird on islands. Yeah, it's not. Yeah, it's true. Oh, we also have Lord. She's normal.

She's fine. The one with the rings? We've double down on Lords. That's good. Oh, I see what you did there. What did you have in America? Transformers and, Donald Trump.

Good shit. By the way, Michael Baiton. New Zealand wins again, motherfuckers. I think you guys might have the last laugh on this one. Yeah, but all the crazy American rich people are coming here to escape the end time.

So you're going to... So we're going to turn American to New Zealand motherfuckers. Once we get out the Americans, the Chili's are going to hang back. I got an argument with an American NRA guy down in Ivakal just the other day. Oh, that's so weird.

They're usually so fucking cool. I was like... National Respect Association? I was like, do you not feel like maybe America needs a little bit of gun control? I didn't mean to preach to him. He started the topic. And he was like, oh, you don't hear about

37 people were stabbed in China, but the anti-gun lobby is suppressing that information and stuff like that. And then I go, you sound like a crackpot, mate. And he's like, well, I don't call you a lefty wanker. And I was like, well, you just did. And he was like, No, I didn't.

So now if you, I've learned this from the NRA, if you want to insult someone, just say, I don't call you an asshole, and then they can't take offense to it. Right. Because you didn't call them that. No, the knife gun argument is always one that ends well. One of my best, like, few and best Facebook moments

was when someone was just like going off about how, you know, guns at that shooting in Orlando, if it was, you know, it wouldn't have mattered. And I was like, well, what if it was knives? Do you think 58 people would have died? And he's like, well, probably not 58. I was like, okay, pretty clear that I won this. Great.

Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you. Give it up for Guy and David. Check out tickles. I think we're going to go out there in the front. Yeah, we'll be out there in the front. Sell them posters or whatever we do. I don't know what we do.

Who knows what we do? Thank you guys so much. It's great to be here. We appreciate it. Truly. Hey, Dullabab fans. I know you love that. dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth,

what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary. It's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass. and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff,

the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.