The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 5 - Hugh Glass

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds discuss legendary American mountain man Hugh GlassTour DatesSources Dollop MerchPatreon

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. I love how that's your thing now. Welcome to the dollop. I'm Dave Anthony. I'm here

with Gareth Reynolds. Reynolds. Nope. Gary Rainey. Nope. You had it. You said it right. So Gareth Reynolds. So I'm here with Gary and so we've done okay so people were pleased with the first couple and they were sort of a this American life-ish. Sure. But then I also don't want to get stuck doing one thing because that gets very hard to find content for like just finding really interesting story about dudes now. Yeah. Is like I don't have that kind of time. Well and I mean we've had you've had some hits. Yeah. Tickling. Tickling. Huge hit. Jesus Christ. By the way no a guy who did it. Oh my god. This Australian dude Ash who is a really

funny guy but also like an extremely ticklish extremely ticklish but also like a guy who like to make extra bucks goes to a gay bar and is the whipped cream guy where he sprays whipped cream on his nipples and the guy suck it off for bucks and he didn't know we had that guy but okay he does that and he makes like hundred hundred dollars and goes okay I made a thousand I'm gonna go and he's not like he's not like on the clock he just goes down there where he wants to do it like guys like yeah go ahead. Hey man yeah whipped cream wherever man. So anyway he I haven't talked to him but he apparently was one of the tickle guys

and you can hear about that on I think the latest I love Green Guide Letters the podcast out of Australia which in which he talks about it. So yeah fucking crazy right. Crazy. So then we did we did the ghost one which I think was fine. Ghost fucking. I mean it was a little bit outside. Bob the Bower lives. Yeah Bob the Bower forever. It was a little outside of the idea of like of this American life so now I want to try because we're I'm gonna try all kinds of stuff. Sure. History. Okay all right. So I was like okay so who is the biggest badass in American history? Papa Bower. He's not American. He's from Zanzibar man. Right. The biggest

badass in American history. Yeah and I texted you the name. Yeah well you said not look it up. What this is this is a fucking hilarious. I tried to forget it. This is a hilarious text exchange because it was totally like I was like I thought I always assume that you've read my tweets in which I tweeted we're gonna try history next week. So I'm on my own notifications only day. That's my home. We're texting way too much now. Sorry. So I texted you have you ever heard of Hugh Glass. And I haven't. And you said no I don't know who that is but you were like talking in the present tense. You said I don't think I know him.

Yeah. He sounds cool. He sounds great. And I was like. And I said no. I said no. Well you shouldn't because he's been dead for 150 years and then you said that may be part of it. That's why I haven't met him. That makes sense. Hugh Glass. So he is the biggest badass in American history. Well okay I'm gonna tell you the story. Otherwise I'd say Billy the kid. No I think this guy's much much better. Much more of a badass than all right. The batter-assist. The baddest assiest. So he was born in 1783 in Philadelphia. So already. Okay. Starting out rough. Starting good. Irish immigrant parents. Okay. Okay. So buff and tumble. Behind the eight ball. He's a fighter. Shocking. He's a scrapper.

So he started he decided he wanted to work on ships. Okay. Be a seaman. Easy. And that that went on for a few years and then he was captured by pirates. All right. Bullshit. French pirate John Lafitte. I didn't know as I got into this because this is going to become about mountain men. I don't realize just how much shit the fucking French were up in our business. No. They were all up in our shit. They gave us the Statue of Liberty and then they just that don't need it. We don't need it. No. And they use it as a reason to fuck us. Yeah. You've learned a little bit about the French today. So he had to be a pirate. He was forced to be a pirate. They pirate raped him. You must be. I think it's called Shanghai. He was

Shanghai for two years where he we had to go on a pirate raids. No. We think you'll be a pirate instead. You look like a pirate. You'll be a pirate. So so you know that's just that's just classic shit that happens to dudes in the mid 30s. Yeah. They just they become a seaman and then they get forced into pirate life. And so if you tried to if you were like hey I'm I'm kind of tired of being a pirate going to give you guys my two weeks thinking of maybe not pirating with you anymore. They would be like OK cool we're going to kill you. I'll hang around. So he couldn't give us two weeks. Couldn't be like hey you guys. I actually got hired to manage a better pirate ship. I feel weird about stealing boats. And keep in mind I didn't want to do this.

You guys recruited me. All we had in common was we were on water. I had to kill a guy remember. You made me. So he escaped by jumping off the boat and swimming two miles. OK. To shore which is pretty fucking impressive far already assigned at this guy. Like other dudes would be like you know what I'm going to stay a pirate. Yeah I would definitely be like OK for me. Totally. I'd be like pass me that rum. So he swam to shore in Texas. And then once you get to Texas you're in trouble because the there's going to be a lot of American Indian different tribes in the story. Right. I'm just going to start calling them Indians. I'm not going to say American Indian every time because come on I get tired. Sure. Well I mean

you've been through more than any. So the Karen Cowell Indians were there on the shore and they were always looking to kill pirates because whatever reason they hated pirates and right there is a movie. Nobody's ever talked about the great pirate Indian battle. Yeah nobody plays pirates and Indians. That's great that he's just like I just really really fucking hate pirates. So we'll just kill them all. So he had to be had to make his way without any maps or supplies or weapons through the whole you know that Karen Cowell Indian territory. Sure. He's with another dude. They make it through there. They get up to Kansas right now they've been going for a while. They're on a fucking trek and they get captured by Pawnee Indians. Jesus Christ. Yeah. It's not

this the Skitty tribe. So they're not down with white dudes. So they take a race. They take his buddy and they hang him upside down and then they start they put hundreds of pine slivers into his skin. Oh my God. Everywhere. And then they light him on fire. And Hugh. It's like I don't want to go. I so don't want to do that. So what am I up to. So he has one thing in his pocket and when they come over so he's next when they come over to him he goes hold on a second fellas and he whips out a packet of Vermillion Vermillion is no I didn't either I had to look it up. I thought it was like noodles. That's funny to me even though it might be. I'm assuming these are noodles. Have you Indians ever seen noodles. Do you get ramen ramen shrimp ramen.

It's actually a it's like a really intense dye that is red and as you has been used since Roman times and it can be used for war paint or anything. It's like this great powdered dye. Okay. That's a powdery dye. You would love it. I'm way into it. And so the chief was like hey this is awesome. Do you want to live with us. First of all would have been a great time to do that when his buddy was getting stuffed with pine needles. He didn't think of it that when I was watching this stuff with pine needles and it was like do that in 30 seconds. If they were stuffing out the pine needles you would be like I should keep quiet because if I say anything they might stuff in me with pine needles. Yeah but I'd be like we're moments away. They will just let a

ache on fire. Not if they're well after they set them on fire then you know that it's a fucked up situation but when they're sticking pine needles in me you could be like I might be like get out of this. You liking that. Is that cool. Does that feel good. But I wouldn't even say anything. I'd be like if I don't say anything then I forget I'm here. Just scooting behind a tree. We know you're here Dave. They're so interested putting pine needles in Larry that they might forget about me. Larry's eye contact as you're leaving is not happy. Sorry buddy. You drew the short straw. So they liked his red paint as vermilion enough. It's so rare and it's so it's so great that they were like okay this guy is with us. So but this used to happen. They used to bring in. They used

to sort of let dudes into their tribes all the time. You know kids back in this time when their parents would take off for whatever reason to go on a fucking run for I don't know corn. All right I'm going to go on a corn jog. The kids the kids would often take off and live with the Indians and then when the parents came back we're like hey we're back the kids would be like fuck that. Really. Yeah it happened all the time where kids would be like the Indians are great. Yeah no rules. You're going on corn. I can stay up as late as I want. No one turns off my iPad. I'm stuffing people with pine needles. We're having a time. Whatever the time. So he lives with them for a while for a couple of years.

Takes a wife. Fucks a squad. Does the whole thing. He's living. He's living large. He's got a teepee mortgage. Probably has his own teepee. Yeah probably. I mean yeah there's a mortgage on it but it's all good. It's a good Mars a buyer's market. It is a buyer's market. So in fighting in battles with them and in one of the battles they're fighting a fellow I think another Pawnee tribe and he killed a few and he got a hawken rifle which was the rifle of the day. Okay. So now that's his rifle. Now he's like he's like a big man on campus. Now he's got guns. He's got guns. Then the Pawnee his tribe were invited to St. Louis to meet with the white man to talk about you know how can we fuck you really hard at the fuck you up the ass summit.

So he goes to St. Louis and he's like holy shit this place is awesome. This guy is just so earnest. All right. Anything anyone offers he just yes and he's like St. Louis Budweiser I'm in. So he stays. He stays in St. Louis. See he leaves. He leaves the tribe. The tribe. And so he's in St. Louis and then this is when it mountain men were in their heyday. So in the it's not the 1820s that mountain men were around from like 1810 to 1880s and the mountain men were the fucking craziest like if there's one thing like like I could see myself going to war I could see myself do a lot of shit. I could never be a fucking mountain man where you're just like hey man I'm just going to go off into the wilderness and I'll come back with a hundred beaver pelts.

How's that sound mom. Like to me it's so fucking insane. Yeah. So and then they were all killing that was the the thing that it was beavers because beaver hats were super popular in Europe. I can see why. Well I guess the water would roll off them right. Yeah. And then apparently you could you could they could they could be shaped really easily because their skin was so tough so you could shape a hat really easily. These are two features I don't think I knew people were considering that. Well how do you pick a hat. I like that design on the front of it. They're like what's how will the rain come off of it. And is it tough to remold and reshape.

OK I think I might buy this hat. Look you could turn into a square. Look at that it's a square hat. Look at me. So before so before the gold rush it was like a I would call it a beaver rush. So usually to be a man man you had to be friendly with one. You had to kind of get grandfathered in. You know you had to be friendly with one Indian tribe. OK. So you so that would be the one you could partner up with it. And then you'd always then the other ones be trying to kill you but you at least have one. You have one in your back. I'm safe with these dudes. So they were always multilingual being able to talk to tribes and trade and shit. OK. And they a lot of times they live with the Indians and they would take a wife with the Indians like it's it's a total like

it's not what in our minds. I think the way we were taught when we were kids was that they were like out there fighting all the Indians getting their beer pelts. But they weren't. They were it was like this totally complicated world where you're like yeah Indians that roll up. You'd be like hey are you guys potty. No we're the Rikas. Oh shit shit shit. Pine needles. So many needles from pine. Oh that would be the fucking worst. The pine needles. Oh my God. Horrible. It's a horrible way to go. It'll light you on fire. Well I mean. It's Christmas. Very effective. Very effective. I mean it's it's it's like being burned by a thousand tiny matches. Oh my God. So. And your buddy has Vermeel the whole time. And the whole time in his pocket. Yeah. So anyway so I don't

think there was any there's ever been anything like Mountain Men's Sense. Yes. I think they're the most badass craziest. Like there's no job. I mean they're like they're kind of like a hobo with a purpose. So they they're just living in the mountains living off the land just getting beer pelts. Yeah. And then bringing them in and trading them. That doesn't sound shabby. I'll tell you what I could have sports center. The worst thing about them was they they actually said the word varmin a lot. So that's the most. That's the most upsetting thing. And that was probably like they're fighting words. You know. What'd you call me. You heard me. Get over here and say that. Bar man. Stab. My beaver hat. Oh man I'm gonna have to reshape it.

And they also they're also for companies. So for companies would hire a bunch of trappers and then they would go off. OK. So while he was in St. Louis there was a new. How old is he at this point. So he's like mid 30s. OK. Or no late late 30s almost 40. OK. They say at this point he's got about five years left and that's fucking crazy old for these guys. Yeah. Oh for sure. Most mountain men were like in their 20s. No one. They called him the old guy like a oldie. So they sent the Rocky Mountain Fur Company starting they sent out a press release like hey we want 100 men to come on up here and we're going to start up a new thing. Now the place they wanted to start at it was where the black the Blackfoot tribe had cleared

out all white people. Good. This looks like a smashing place for a factory. Yes. The Blackfoot said had basically just wiped out all the white men there. And so they were like let's start again. Let's go in there. There's got to be a lot of beavers. Yeah. Yeah. There are a lot of beavers. But there are also a lot of you had me at beavers. Yeah. Yeah. All right. There's a lot of Blackfoot Indians. And the beavers are plentiful gentlemen. It's confirmed. Oh my neck's been shot with something. So this dude major Henry and General Ashley started this started this fur company and they took off with some dudes. Henry first took off with a bunch of dudes went up there and was immediately attacked shocker immediately

attacked and driven back. So survive. I can't believe that didn't work out going into the area where they had said no more white guys. Plan B. I feel like going down into into South Central and be like I'm opening what's a what's a good a salad a soup plantation soup next to a loafer store. Put your clocks down guys. We're here to help. We're gentrified. Oh my God. That would be great. That's how we gentrified. What the fuck. A loafer store. Hey guys. Just let you know loafers and things is open. Not a lot of people coming in. So. So that's when he joined up right after they had been attacked

and they driven back and they were looking for a hundred men. You know because they wanted more dudes to go up there. There's not it's not like there's a shitload of you know when you fight a battle it's a small battle. It's not like you're talking thousands of dudes. Right. Although this does get kind of crazy. So he went up. He's like I'm 40. I could do this. Sure. Let's get in the game. So he's got all the Indian experience. You know he lived with them. He knows what to do. So they stopped. They stopped to trade with to trade with some re Indians. You've heard of. Sure. I'm a big fan of the re's because they wanted to get some horses. Yeah the re's are big for their horses. But then the re were like no and then they attacked him and killed a bunch of

you find that happened. That happened as I was reading this that happened a lot where people be like sure we'll trade with you. No we're going to kill you. I'll tell you what I'm starting to think they don't want to trade. They just want to kill us. They just killed Jeff. That's not trading. Now do we trade. Run. Run. Run. I think these guys think trading is murdering. They just don't understand trading. So about a third of the trappers were killed and Hugh was shot in his thigh which Tim is like bad. He was like yeah I'll just hop. I'm Hugh. There goes Hoppin Hugh. There goes Hoppin Hugh. It's the song. It's a famous song. Hoppin Hugh. So they backed off and they called the army. Now

clearly there was a plan behind this. I love the order of that. Yeah now they're like all right. So remember when I said we were going to send a bunch of you into the Blackfoot area to get killed. Well that was the plan and now we're going to bring in the army. We're going to clear them out. See how that works. Sorry the 30 of you who died. It's so obvious what they were doing. So then the army came in and the army teamed up with the Sioux Indians who hated the re. That was the thing. It was also fucking complicated. So the Sioux were like yeah I'll fight with you guys. You can get rid of the guys we hate. We are so pissed at the re right now. We're so pissed at the re. It does sound clicky.

But then they got there and the army had a bunch of cannons and they just like sat on a mountain and started shooting the cannons. Who do you trust in this world? Everybody you meet is going to murder you. You're going to find out you can't trust anybody. Nobody. So they start shooting cannons at the re and the Sioux are like what the fuck are you doing. Are we going to fight? And the army guys are like no this is what we do. The Sioux are like you guys are pussies and they all left. Like what the fuck is this. You're just going to shoot shit at them from a mountain. I put a pelt on for this. Amazing. So then after a while the re were like well this sucks and they gave up. They're like hey can we do the peace thing where we don't fight each other.

Hey we smoke a peace pipe and shit. Can you stop shooting shots from a mountain. Shoot those huge balls at us. And then it was like and then but then the army was like okay peace and they started to leave and the trappers were like fuck this and the trappers set the re village on fire. Nobody is trying to make progress. The army calls peace like yeah we let the re village on fire instead. Alright so then it was you know beaver time. Beaver time's on. So the trappers all split up into groups and Hugh was with Major Henry and there were about 13 dudes and they were going to go and they're going to start working their way towards Yellowstone and killing beavers. Sure. So a lot of work for beavers. This is all for fucking beavers.

How many fucking beavers could you imagine. Oh my god. How many beavers there were. It must have been horrifying. Dammit I fell on five beavers. Tripped on that beaver and fell on that beaver over there. Like a beaver just took my drink. But when they when they burned the re village it didn't mean they killed all the re there was still some out there so there were hunting groups of re around and like the first couple of nights two trappers got killed in the middle of the night. Like it was not it was like well we so two nights two dead we got to go two 300 miles to Yellowstone. I figure we're not going to make it. I got a bad feeling about this. Now on the fifth day they were in South Dakota and they were working for food. Sure meat berries

that kind of the meat not hanging meat like they had to kill them. Look a meat tree. Oh look at this a lamb chop. And Hugh was a little bit out front. Of course he was. That's our guy. And he it was it was August and he walks into a cleared area in the middle of the that's the thing always gets me about this is like they're there there's no paths like they're walking just in a fucking nightmare. You know what I mean. There's no yeah. I hate everything about being in that kind of nature. Oh my god. You're just getting poked by shit and stuck in stuff and everywhere you move it's just bushes. And the only thing that gets you through it is the idea that like it will end like in the day. You're like tomorrow I will be fine

for them. And they're like hey look out there's re. So he goes into a small clearing and he's like oh this isn't good this shouldn't be here. And it's a bear's nest. I'm sorry a bear's nest. Yeah. So the bear the bears clear out an area and then that's where they sleep with their cubs. So I'm guessing they're pretty protective. So the bear is he like basically walks into the barrel. Excuse me. Like seduce the bear. Oh no. Hey baby how you doing. It feels like you like berries. The only thing I could do was fuck the bear. So I did. That's how I roll. It still goes the other way. He got bear fucked. The bear immediately bites his neck and picks him up and smashes him on the ground and then tears off chunks of his skin and throws it to her cubs

because she's like hey food walked in. Hey Hughes here. So then he at when she did that he tried to get up again. What is he. He's still okay. He's next to live and his cubs are eating you. He didn't have time to grab his gun and and she picked him up again and slammed him down again and then started then the whole bear family attacked him and they're just biting him and slashing him while the mom holds him down. The two cubs are just attacking him and then his buddies hear this. They're like well that doesn't sound good. That sounds like Hughes getting mauled. If I didn't know any better I'd say Hughes being attacked by a bear family. So then they all run for it but they're spread out a little bit. The first guy gets there and he and he's like oh fuck and he runs

into the water and shoots but he shoots and kills one of the cubs. Okay good. And then the other guys come right then and the mom bears on top of Hughes just still thrashing him. Just wailing. And then they all shoot her and kill her and she falls on top of Hughes and then the other cub runs away. Which he's probably got a. Are we going to get a follow up on this cub. No he's probably got a great bear story. Like he ran up to Bear Town. He's like you guys are not going to believe it. He's the Hugh glass of bears. He's the Hugh glass of bears. So. Okay. Now. Hughes not in a good spot. Hughes not good. And they're also worried now because with all the shooting and the bear screaming and the Hugh screaming. Yeah right. All the re-Indians could be like they're those

motherfuckers. Hey. So they're a little bit of a panic. They're like great job Hugh. Can you get attacked by Bear quietly. Thank you. Jesus Christ Hugh look at you. What a mess. Well they roll the bear off Hugh and he's just like shredded Hugh. Like he's just he's a fucking mess. He's bloody. He's mangled his entire face is torn up. Sure. His limbs is his back is completely shredded. Basically there's nowhere to tickle. Is the. Could you cut your kidney. Oh my god that was your kidney. Oh my god. Why is that out. Oh god. Hugh. Why is the kidney out. Hey. So he can't see. Did he try to offer the bears vermilion before. It's just been such a classic Hugh move. Look I have red. Red. You could paint your faces you could. Your nails. Those are big.

So he can't. He can't see. Right. He can't speak. Those are going to be problems. He can't stand. All I can do is lay on the ground and moan. What a life. You'll be fine. You like that. So they throw off strips of their shirts and they like bound them up as best they could. Oh yeah. Well I always say shirt pieces of shirts are like skin. Yeah. So they figured that he's going to die. Yeah. I can't believe we're approaching a different outcome. He's so fucked up. He'll be dead by morning. We'll kick it. He'll die in the morning. We'll bury him and we'll take off. Right. Next morning comes. He was making pancakes. How do you like your flapjacks. You like it with blood. It's just dribbling blood over it.

Hugh I don't know if you should be doing that. I feel good. More peer up. Just sitting over there singing. Mountain man. Mountain man. As his heart beats beside him. Oh shit. That should be in me. Whoopsie. So the major Henry was like all right. So we'll try to carry him. And so they cut some branches off a tree and they make a litter. Do you know what a litter is. No. Okay. You know when you watch. I mean I'm assuming it's not a place for Hugh to go pottying. No. It should be. But you know when they or he probably did. Yeah. So they they build. It's like one of those things where like in the Roman Empire where there's two dudes on the side and they're like carrying something like a box. Right. So it's like it's

like that. They made him like a little box. King bear. Yeah. They made him like a little throne. So they carried him for two days and they were like oh okay. Hugh could you do us all a favor and fucking die. And the whole time they're like is he dead. And while they're going over rough terrain he's like oh okay. Christ. What about pillows. Did you make pillows. Would I kill you guys to get some goose feathers. So the major stops and he's like all right. We keep carry if we keep carrying this dude. We're all going to die from the Indian attacks. Like they're going to come out and kill us because we're slowly bringing some asshole in a box. We're bringing a moaning white man across the fucking landscape with us. He's a fucking prince.

It's like an alarm going off. White white. So so they're like all right. So we got a moaning slab of beef and and we got it. We got to just put him down and he's going to die. So we have to leave him somewhere and then but we can't leave him alone. A couple of guys I need you to volunteer to sit back with Hugh while the rest of us go and then you'll catch up with us. Horrible job. I don't see any hands in the air. Yeah. All right. So everyone's like yeah I don't see that. Yeah. What am I doing. I just come with you guys. What if we all go with you and he stays. What if we leave you to watch you. I mean actually I'm listening to his one of his moans right now. He's saying leave him alone.

He said yeah he said yeah really clearly. He said I'd rather be on my own for this one guys. You guys. I'll be all right. I'll be all right. So two. So then he goes all right. I'll pay you guys and he offered some big sum of money like six months worth of salary. You know corn six months worth of corn. Six months worth of salary and two guys are like yeah all right. All right. So Fitzgerald and Bridger. Sure. I had a feeling Bridger'd go. Fitzgerald's a little bit older. Of course. Obviously Irish. Obviously. And Bridger is 17. So what the fuck. What in the fuck is happening. Like what happened to parenting. Yeah. Like what you could be going to college or just go ahead and take off and be a mountain man

or just go watch a mumbling corpse in the forest while Reese kill you. So the other the other trappers all bail and Bridger and Fitzpatrick are like sitting there with this wheezing sack of field. Yeah. With a lot in common to talk about in 1740s in that time when that was really 80 and 10. All right. So they're like all right. Let's kick it right here and let's wait for you to die. OK. How you died over there. So they just sit there and wave basically they just sat there and wave flies off and gave them water occasionally. You know like a nurse. What a weird catch 22. They're enough. It's insane. Water. Like die. Die. So they waited until night and then morning and he's still alive the next morning and they're like OK.

So then the next day they dug his grave and they're like all right. Let's do this. All right. You. That time to wrap it up. We're ready for you. Breathe in you whenever you're ready buddy. And they waited. Always being you know freaked out about Indian attack and and the longer they stayed the farther away their group. Oh yeah. Which is the other thing like how do you get a catch up with them. Like hey we'll be over by the tree. We're gonna just walk straight. No turns. You know the mountain and there's another one next to it right there. We'll be right. We'll be right there. Right between those unless you guys stay longer and then we'll be farther. Keep going that way. Head towards the mountain. And how will we know that

you're fine. We won't. You know how there's no trails or roads. Follow that. Yeah. Follow that. So we'll sprinkle some Vermillion. So. And then now they're thinking now I would assume they're getting worried about how they're going to find them. They probably would at some point to like the more days ago by the last chance we have of finding these guys you know and the guys are like we'll be over in Wyoming. Yeah. So. Nice long two person walk to Wyoming. Then night came and then a day and then we easy just kept on wheezing you know and then another night and another day of five days pass and the dude hasn't fucking died. But he's getting worse like five days past and they're like Jesus Christ every day he gets worse

but he's not dying and there was and it seemed like there was no worse to get. Yeah. Before and he just keeps on fucking living. There's got to be an odor too at this point. Jesus Christ. So Fitzgerald Fitz was like we should say we buried him. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. And then we'll see like we'll go back and we'll see like here. I was like we stayed with them for five days and then we put him in a hole and they and everything like you guys are awesome. You're so patient and you're great mountain man and you're tough guys. And Bridger was like yes. Yes. I'm down to roll. A very good idea. Check please. And then Fitz was like but if we bury him we got to take all his stuff

because we can't show up without his stuff because they'd be like what did you bury his rifle and all of his shit and be like no we brought it. So we got to take all his shit too. So we got we got to take all his stuff and then just leave him out here. This massive bloody man. I can hear you. I hate your plan. Shut up you. So that's what they do. Okay. They're like yep. Good plan. So they drag him down on the edge of a creek. Jesus Christ. And and then they they put him on. He's like under a berry bush and like near a little creek. So he's got water and then they love it. So nice of them. And then they leave him. Here you go. Here there's a little water for you bud. Good luck with everything. All right. See you later bro. Take it easy man.

I hope your skin comes back. And then they left what was basically Michael Myers. Oh no. So several days go by. Several lovely vacation days for you. Beautiful days. Beautiful days. Just like big sandals. Yeah. Just lovely. Just relaxing. Catching up on some sea. My eyes maybe. Poolside. So he wakes up and he's like guys. Hey fires out. Hey. Hey. What are we doing? But bros. Not funnies. LOL guys. Where are you? Guys. He reaches down for his stuff. You know his pouch and his shot and his flint. He's like oh my my gun's gone and my horn and all my shit. I don't know why they had horns. All my shit's gone. We should bring that back. Horns. How are you guys doing? And then he just was just like oh my god they left me and they

took all my shit and he was like guns. With friends like these. Just yelled guns. It goes throughout the valley. Birds take off. Go. Guns. So he assesses the situation and he's like okay I'm skinned to the bone in some places. Jesus. Part of my hair is gone and there's just an open thing there and my entire back is a horrific gash. I'm just gonna itch my brain real quick. But now he's mad. And I'll tell you one thing I think I've learned about you. Yeah. You don't make him mad. You don't make you mad. So he was like all right I'm gonna fucking crawl to Yellowstone. Jesus Christ. And I'm gonna kill those guys. Jesus Christ yes. Of course he can't really move. Right that's

gonna be an issue. So that's a little while off. So he laid underneath the the berry bush and he ate the berries and he drank the water until he figured he could move a little bit. A snake came by. He killed the snake. I don't know with what. He must have just grabbed it and I tore it apart. And then he ate the snake and he's like okay. Yum. Food. I feel a little bit better. And now he rolls over to try to stand up and he goes oh I can't stand up because only two of his limbs will function one arm and one leg. So he starts crawling on one arm and one leg. This is gonna take a while. Yeah. This is not going to be fun. And he decided that the closest place to get to was Fort Kiwa. How the fuck is he even thinking? He was a fucking mountain man.

The brain is always ticking. Now Fort Kiwa is 250 miles away. So it's gonna take a couple of days. By car what is that? By car that's four hours. What's that by crawl? By half crawl. By half crawl. By two limb to crawl. So he'd go a little ways yard by yard and then he'd pass out for a little while and he'd keep going and on and on. He's lovely. But he lived with the Pawnee tribe right? So he knew how to like look for food and he would like dig up roots to eat and he would find bird nests. And so he's slowly getting nourished as he goes and he's watching. He's washing off his wounds and he's slowly all the time he's thinking those cards. That's all like the carrot on the end of the fucking stick. That's it. So at one point he saw some wolves

taken on a buffalo and then he just waited until they were all full and then he went over and scared them away and then he like. Which is not hard when you're a two limb man with your brain falling out of your head. You guys live around here. And he sucked the marrow out of the bones and he ate the guts. No he doesn't have any fire. So he's just like it's just right there is where I'm like I'm it's over. No can do. It would be these guys who wouldn't. I mean it would be over for me. The second a bear moved towards me. My heart has to be the end of Gareth Reynolds story as a mountain man. He was like I guess I'm just gonna have to eat raw guts. What else is new. So that really made him stronger. And then he came across an

abandoned Indian village. Right. So then he came across an abandoned Indian village. Okay. And looking good. Which is hilarious. I just love that there's an abandoned Indian village out there. And there were dogs there. Right. They probably loved his gut breath. So he took him a while. But he finally coaxed one of them over and he strangled it. And then he ate it. Here boy. Here boy. So now. Now he's walking. Jesus Christ. Okay. So not good for everyone else. So he is he is completely this is where it gets really gross. He is this is where all of the places he can wash and keep clean on the front and on you know his arms and legs are healing and they're scabbing over. Right. Right. But his back is sort of a different story.

Because the flies have been laying. Oh no. And so his back is covered in maggots. Which in a way though is a good sign. Right. Is it. Yes it is because it means that they're eating. They're like they're feeding off of. Yeah. His bacteria. Okay. So in a way. But they also but they also would do that to dead things. Yes. Yes. It's look it could be better. Yeah. Definitely giving a shot of optimism to the huge back. You're saying a back maggot party is a pro. I'm saying if one wanted to spin it one could. If one wanted. So then he ran into a party as Sue. Sue party. But they were friendly and they were like. Oh wow. Hey man. Your back looks really bad. So does your front. What's up with you bro. Hey. You start. What's going on with

you. And then we'll talk about it. Then we'll get into us but we've just been doing the same. We really want to hear your story. It looks like you were mauled by a family of bears. So they cleaned up his wound and they put I guess they sewed. They sewed bearskin on his back. To cover it. To cover it. I get it. And when they when whoever took that off. Yeah. Just go that smells good. Do not come into the wigwam for a little while. Deodorizer in there. And then they helped him get to Fort Kiowa which is where he was headed. Sure. 250 miles away. So he told everyone the story at Fort Kiowa. They were like these two guys dude kick it. Hang with us for a while. Rest up. And then you know do what you got to do. And he

was like fuck that. So he stayed there for two days. He wasn't even like he wasn't I'm not sleeping till the concert dead. So and he said get me on a fucking boat. And they were like well the only way we can get on a boat is if you join up with our fur company and then we'll take it up and he's like fine. And so now he signs up with a French fur company and they hire him as a trapper and they give him a gun and all the supplies. And so he's he's good to go. I can't believe he's alive. It's fucking insane. So they're so then they they're like they're like we're going to go up and trade with a man in Indians. So let's do this. And so he gets on a boat two days later. He gets on a boat and they're cruising out and then they go past a village that used to be a man in village

but now there's re Indians here and they're like well that's weird. They're not friendly with each other. So that's a strange sign. And by the way it's now November 20th. Okay. So he got attacked in August. Jesus Christ. And it's now it's not November. So everyone's a little freaked out by the village thing. And then one day he was off the boat looking for food to wrestle up some food in the in the in the reese attack and kill everybody. Okay. And so and so he's off hunting. Yes. Oh my god. And then they come after him the reese and they're chasing him down and they're about to get him right when they're about to get him to man in Indians come up on horseback and grab him and take off of them as like a fuck you reese. We're out of here. Suck it. We got your

white man. So he's got bear back. We've got your bear white man. So now he's alone again and he makes his way to Fort Tilton. Sure. Which is part of the Colombian fur company and they heard a story and they were like dude what do you need from us anything you fucking need. And he says just get me across the fucking river. Oh my god. All he wants to do is get on the other side of the river because the re aren't on that side. So he can go. I just want to kill those guys. So good how much he wants to kill them. It's so great. So then they they're like yeah we can put you on this side of the river. Sure. Put them over there and now now it's a 250 mile journey to Fort Henry. And where the guns are. That's where those guns are.

But now it's freezing winter. Right. Have you ever been up in that area in the winter. It's the most horrifying. It's worse. It's worse because the wind blows down through Canada. And so I was there once and it was it was like negative or was like zero degrees but with when it was negative 40 and I had to pump gas and I thought I was going to die. I one time tried in Wisconsin tried to go running and like negative 30. My buddy is like what are you doing. I wrap my whole body. I'm going to huglass it. Yeah. And I got eight feet and was like I'm not here. So he's about to enter a bad climate for most people or what you call it a bit chilly. It's a bit nippy. It's a bit nippy.

So he now is on this journey where he has to find food and it's fucking freezing. It takes him a month but he makes it. Oh my god. And he sees Fort Henry and it's across the river. So he cuts down a couple of trees and he ties them together. Oh no. And he floats across the river. Yeah. It's just the amount of times that he's just like mumbling and all you hear is cunts. And he gets to Fort Henry and he kicks in the doors and nothing totally empty. Everyone's bailed. So it turns out they have headed down the Yellowstone River. So Hugh keeps moving. Yeah. Of course. Another month of hell. Right. More in the wind. Now it's like fucking December in January and he's fucking cruising through all this shit. It's a total nightmare. Fucking cunts.

1824 comes January now. It's been going on for six months. So at the Bighorn River he finds a new stockade and he goes in the doors and everyone is there. All these people. The guys from his group and they're all like. Hey. Hey. Corpse. How are you? You look cold. What happened? They were weird because Jim and Fritz said he was dead. Oh I mean what's his name Fitzpatrick Fitzgerald Fitzgerald. The second you see Hugh walk into the door. Oh well wait. So he's like your boys left me for dead. I crawled for months with maggots. I'm here and Jim was there. And Jim was in the corner like cowering and freaking out. Yeah. At this point blubbering as as Hugh told the story of what he had done. And he was like hey man. I really thought. So Jim is 17.

So he's like he just turns into this little crying little bitch and Hugh can't bring himself to kill him. He's like I can't fucking do it. Look at first of all your whole mountain man thing is based on your reputation. And now this kid has to live with being the guy who left someone to die and he's clearly just blubbering idiot. So you can't kill him. But wait. But wait. Yeah. I mean he's gone to such lengths. Right. But what he thinks is that Fitz is the guy. All right. As long as we get rid of Fitz. Fitz is the older guy and Fitz was the leader and Fitz was the guy with the plan. Still all that way to be like right. Fuck it. I'll just have a coffee. So he's like where the fuck is Fitz. So and they're like he's climbing up the bathroom window

and they're like you just missed them. You just missed now by just missed him. November because in this time just missing someone is like they really he wasn't there. Fitz was not there. Fitz left in November. He just left went two months ago. Oh god damn it. I shouldn't have made that right. So so here's the worst part is that he Fitz went down the Missouri River in a boat while he was walking up the Missouri River. So they passed each other. You must be just like oh fuck. So so and Fitz has used gun. Right. Right. So that's also the other thing. He wants the fucking gun. So he's a man of principle. So a few days later on February 24th he went three other dudes take off to go back the other way back to Fort Atkinson and

they're headed down the Platte River to the Missouri River and then to Fort Atkinson. Right. So along the way they see a Pawnee village and they're like okay let's trade for a little food. We have beaver pelts because we always do. You know us. We roll five deep with five belts deep always. So they sit down at the table and they start talking and you notice there's something a little bit off about their accents and then he realized they're not Pawnee and he stands up and yells these are rickerees and then it's on and then everyone starts shooting and scrambling and fucking running. Now it turns out the rickerees were a tribe that had had their their village burned down by other trappers and so now they were here. So god. It's a fucking nightmare.

These are rickerees. Oh yeah. So everyone's shooting and running and guys run out to the river and jump in and get shot and and they all scatter. Right. And then a few days later a couple of them roll into Fort Atkinson and they're like this is what happened. Everyone's dead. Hugh's dead again. Everyone's gone but Hugh wasn't dead. Oh my god. Hugh had lost his rifle and he still had some shit and then he started the 400 mile walk to Fort Kiowa alone. He came rolling in around June. I'm just realizing he's actually a terrible mountain man. He couldn't be like it couldn't go more fucked up for him. He just wouldn't take it. No. Everything's saying stop. And here's a quote when he made it to Fort Kiowa. Ow my back. Although I lost my rifle and all my

plunder I feel crap rich when I found my knife flinting steel in my shop. Ouch. These little fixings make a man feel right. Pert when he is three or four hundred miles from anybody or any place. No. Not me. You know it makes me feel right Pert. Hotel. Hotel. Nice hot bath. Jacuzzi tub. What the fuck is a Jacuzzi tub. Oh Hugh you're going to love it. Hugh you're going to love this Jacuzzi tub. Oh what about the maggots in my back. Oh forgot about those. Oh let me turn off the jets. I'll take the bare skin off my back when I kill Fitz. So that's pretty close to Fort Atkinson so a few days later he rolls into Fort Atkinson and Captain Bennett Riley is in charge. Okay well at least he thinks he is. And Hugh comes in and he starts screaming

that he wants to see Fitzgerald and explained that he's going to kill Fitzgerald. Yes. And he wants his gun back. Okay so Fitzgerald is there. Oh god. But there's a little bit of a problem. Fitzgerald enlisted in the army in April. So he's gone. No he enlisted in the army so he's there but now he's a member of the army. So he can't fucking kill him. So Captain Riley is like you can't kill a soldier because then I have to arrest you and kill you. You're good luck with that. Sure you do. Give it a shot. Yeah here I'll put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger right now. And nothing will happen. Hey it's me. The hilarious thing is you think I'm alive.

So Fitzgerald's glad he joined the army. Yeah so Riley makes them sit down at a table and meet face to face and have a chat. Awkward. Awkward. Hey bro so uh I thought you were dead. You motherfucking cunt. So first Fitzgerald he has to give up the rifle so he gives Hugh the rifle right. So Hugh's got a little like that's right. You're fucking right. Yep Hugh I'm just so glad you guys got it. You got the rifle back. Yeah I bet you are. Yeah really glad. Hey where's your rifle. You have it now motherfucker. Hey gunless how you doing over there. Fine backless. Fine quarter face. So Fitz explained to me he goes look dude I stay with you for five days. This whole thing's a

big misunderstanding. You were a big bloody sack of goo. You were bare leftovers. You were fucking melting in front of us. You were a lit candle. The smell coming off you was fucking insane. I kept saying please fart. Have you ever seen anyone take a steak put out in the sun for five weeks and then pack dog shit inside of it. That was you. You were horrifying. And he's like look you look dead and we couldn't stay any longer. And Hugh goes I guess you love it right. You got a point. You got kind of a point. But then he's still mad and he basically tells all the soldiers you're living with a cunt you know and just explains how he's just Fitz is just a piece of shit. Yeah. And and then all the soldiers and the and the captain they gather a bunch of money

together and supplies and they give him a bunch of shit and go sorry this happened to you. Here you go. Here's your party. Here's a ceramic a new car a ceramic dot. Here you go Hugh. I know that you got mulled by bears and left for dead but here's a chair. Not fun. Look you can get a whole chair. It's got a padding up front special memory foam. Look at that. Here's a briefcase. Who needs a face when you've got a briefcase and a chair. So yeah they give him a bunch of shit and they go you know sorry about all your stuff and and and then he looks at Fitz and says you better stay in the army for the rest of your life. Which is the greatest line ever. Yeah. I'll be waiting but

I don't want to. You're gonna stay in the army and even if you're dead oh I'd still stay in the army. Hugh doesn't die. So then he goes back to be a mountain man. But as an independent he not only works for companies. His takeaway is don't work for a fucking company. Self-employed. I mean you gotta pay a little extra taxes and do the. Well I'm my own employer. You gotta do quarterly you gotta do quarterly tax assessments but a lot of 1099s but I have a good guy. My guys good guns are right off guns are right off plus my back surgeries I can put that against some of the 1099s. Yeah because a bear ate my back a family of bears ate me. You know why that fucking company don't be a company man. Let me tell you if there's one

thing I learned by being mauled by a family of bears it's don't work for a company. You know what that bear said to me right before he mauled me. Don't work for a company. Hey are you an independent. What's your filing status. So he went on to do that in 1825 he was shot by an arrow in the back. He had to be transported. This is classic Hugh. He had to be transported 700 miles by boat before they could find someone to take it out right. What. It is such a fucked up time. They just it was just like anything happened. You're fucked. It wasn't like 700 miles by boat. He just lay in there going I've been through worse. I'm pretty excited to get this arrow out. Usually I crawl this. This is a mosquito bite.

Then in 1833 he and two other trappers were ambushed by the re he was never seen again but a trapper friend of Hughes killed some re's a few days later and found his hawk and rifle on one of them. That's it. That's the tale of old glass but that but what's kind of good about that ending is that Hugh may have lived. I like to think he was still alive. Yeah right. Yeah. Yeah sure I died. Uh huh. You bet you. Yeah that's right. Me Hugh grass. Dumbass. It's glass. I know but I'm pretending that's alias. A new alias. Yeah. No it's glass. It's grass. Grass. But you look like. Nope. Can I see your back. Never. His back. Can you imagine scars on his back. This was a movie in like 1971 but it wasn't called Hugh glass. It was called something else.

This story. Yeah. And as I was as I was researching this because I found this by I just typed in who is who is the biggest American badass of all time. Amazing Google. And he came up and and as I was and so I was reading all these different stories about it and this is mostly pieced together by three guys who were on the in the group with him. Right. And then his of course his tails. Yeah. I'm sure he's I'm sure everyone was just like okay. Don't don't talk to him. Oh Jesus. Don't ask you how he is. Don't ask him about the bear. Don't ask him about the bear. That's like that's like an L.A. like asking someone how they are. Yeah. Well I'm working. You're pretty good. Good. Oh here goes Hugh. Hey Hugh. How are you. Oh the bear. Are you here about the bear attack.

Yeah. Yeah. Hugh I met. Yeah. Here. Hugh. I'm your roommate. Holy shit. So I'm into this gravel. My back's gone. My back. Did you hear me. Yeah. Hugh. Yeah. You got to take the trash out here. You see this gun. You know how I got it back. I'll take it out. I don't even care anymore. All right. Um Leonardo DiCaprio signed on to play Hugh Glass. Oh no. I mean not oh no. But because as I was Googling you know you Google and what yeah the searches come up at the bottom and said Hugh Glass movie and I was like really and I clicked on it. That'll be a pretty good movie. Oh my god. It's going to be crazy. But he had I hope he grows some facial hair. He can't be a fucking clean cut with a hair slicked back. Good looking Hugh.

The movie they made in the 70s is apparently super bloody. Well I think that's because Hugh's life was super bloody. So the whole I was I was always in I mean it's almost like because I think Americans are pretty pusified now. You sure. For the most part. Yeah. But it's amazing that there was a time when we were basically Russians. Yeah. Right. I mean you can't that it honestly is it's impossible to fathom. It is completely impossible to fathom how that I mean I would because I know what I would do. I die. I would have died when I got shot in the thigh. Leave me here. No I always say that like you know like in like Friday the 13th when like Jason's chasing someone through the forest with a machete. Yeah. The person's running their hearts. I would literally like take a branch and just stab

my own neck like five times just to end it just to be like I can't deal with this stress even if it meant that I got to like a freeway and like flag down a truck. Yeah. I just I couldn't deal with the stress let alone crawling without a back to go kill a man without a back without a back. There is fucking insane but also the all the all the Indian stuff to me was even crazy. Yeah. Like they all hated each other. Yeah. The politics of the Indian stuff was. We are so pissed at the re right now. And then then you'd be like you guys are friends right. Not anymore. We were. We were talking to the mandates and they said you guys are dicks. We heard y'all been talking mad shit. So we're not even trading with you guys anymore.

Except we're trading arrows. Oh you got 700 miles to get that taken out. Better get a boat. That's just the hop skip it alive. Well he's interesting. I like you. I like you too. I like you a lot. Yeah. That was our first history one. That's good. I didn't I had no idea about this gentleman. No I didn't either. Yeah. Some people a lot of people do a lot of people were taught about him in school. What's that. That's that. Oh that's that place with the book reads. Don't ask me. Yeah. No. All right. So if you have any ideas for dollops send them to walk in the room at Gmail and I'll cruise them over. Some people are send the hey some guy said something. Oh cool. That's

not a that's not an hour. You got to talk to my friend Reggie. He's perfect. So fucking weird. He's a weird dude man. All right. Goodbye. OK. Here we go. Hi there dollop people. This is Gareth not Gary Gareth enough already. I've got some stand updates I wanted to keep you updated on. Join me on the road. We're having a lot of laughs. March 13th I will be at Summit City Comedy in Fort Wayne Indiana Tuesday March 14th I'll be at Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis March 15th Wednesday I'll be at the Louisville Comedy Club in Louisville Kentucky March 16th I'll be at the Columbus Funny Bone in Columbus Ohio Dayton Ohio March 17th Friday at the Funny Bone March 18th I'll be at the Funny Bone in

Parisburg Ohio and that's two shows that night March 19th I will be at Hilaria's Hilarities and it'll be hilarious in Cleveland Ohio March 21st I'll be in Lexington Lexington Kentucky I'm drunk at Comedy Off Broadway March 22nd I will be in St. Louis at the Galleria March 23rd I will be at the Comedy Club of Kansas City and Friday March 24th I'll be in Des Moines Iowa same with March 25th Saturday Des Moines Iowa and then March 26th I'll be at the Funny Bone in Omaha Nebraska also April 12th the Tacoma Comedy Club I told you I was drunk and then April 13th I will be in Spokane and then April 14th and April 15th I will be in Bozeman Montana at Last Best Comedy you can go to garethrenolds.com for all that ticket information so come join me on the road garethrenolds.com

we're having laughs I'm drunk