The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 51 - The Past Times with Sovereign Syre

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and guest comedian and podcaster Sovereign Syre Redbubble Merch

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd will be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th will be in Bridgeport and 26th, the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. All right, everybody. Welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper

from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week. Sovereign Sire. Fantastic. You have...

We have a podcast called, we could get into more stuff, but you have a podcast called Ill Repute. And we understand that not a lot of men are involved in your podcast. My big brother is the editor. Okay, that's pretty good. We let him talk sometimes. We'll take it. Is he a white man?

He is. That was close to him. And people can listen to that wherever they listen to podcasts. Wherever you pod and we're on YouTube as well. I host it with my friend Ella Darling. Okay. Yeah. Are you having wine?

Yes, I am. Oh, so great. I'm so proud of you. I am fully grown. I have ideas. And is that Pinot Gris? It's a Sauv blanc. Sauv blanc.

Dave, tell her how much I used to love a sobblanc. Loved it. All right. We like to take a guess as to when he holds their day. Okay. Dave's testing your script. You have like the most beautiful eyes, Garrett. They're very charming and like twinkly.

Like you twinkly-eyed fucker. Well, are you sure that's not the soft-blower? Are you part Irish? Are you? I am part Irish. You are? Yeah. My people are English.

We're of the Great British, the colonizing weirdos who are potato-based. Do you, does it not start with you? Do you have genetic memory? Do you have like an especial affinity for potato products? I mean, it doesn't everybody, is it? I mean, I will say on the road, it has become a real struggle to not eat french fries like the way that like a vampire craves blood like after a show i'm like wait we should get starch fast i because i was like a model and i was in

front of the camera for 10 years i for 10 years i just uh didn't eat a lot of foods and uh and now it's like a pavlovian thing i see a french fry and i'm like you're gonna die yeah and have you been able to overcome that you'll become invisible have you been able to overcome that are you able to overcome that Are you able to No It's so ingrained at this point And fuck it I mean we're in

Like however Are free Like that's no problem But Dave I think I don't think you're listening Dave Because she's saying That's the die She wouldn't eat taste

She doesn't need fries She's not gonna eat tally I feel like you're pitching A healthy alternative Which you're just not They are Tater tots are a healthy alternative No calories

I grew up I grew up poor and it is one of the food groups. Tater tots, hot, Cheetos, the weird school lunch, chocolate milk that you could trade for shit. They only got it on like Fridays. What about the lunch tater tots where you could like scrape the end of the tater tots and you got like king crunch of tater. Like the tator tots would kind of cling together in like a group of like nine and you could just get that extra like silver crispy out. See, this is what I'm talking to say I'm English. Yeah.

I can't help it. I was destined for this. It's in the one. So I like to guess. Can we call you twinkly, Gareth? Is that okay? Yeah, he's a, he's twinkly eyed. Can we call you twinkly from now on?

Hey, listen, I'll podcast on Molly all the time from now on. You can call me Twinkly or whatever. No, but seriously, your eyes are like glossy with charm and intrigue. Well, Dave, you see how a nice person talks to me, Dave? He has a basement full of bodies. Okay, listen. Listen, this is how. I start.

I'm trying to destabilize. It's a pyramid scheme, isn't it? Yeah. You're interfering because now for the rest of the episode, he's going to be like, am I twinkly eyed? Yeah, I'd be like, sorry, what was that? I'm sorry, I forgot the pun. I'm just trying to open my eyes as wide as possible.

I'm just trying to like peep Dave to fucking game. You know, like that's how you do it. You get in, you fucking destabilize. Yeah, this is good. Well, you're, believe me, you're an American. I am, yes, I am very. loud and confidently wrong often. Welcome.

I like to guess the year of the newspaper we're going to go through. I invite you to do the same. Do we get a clue? There's no clue. This is just, I like to sort of frame it as to what Dave thinks, you know, what he thinks you'll like. I'm going to guess. And we could go as far back as 1600.

We did a couple of those. They were super weird. It was like reading a children's book. But I'm going to guess 1919 is my guess. Okay. I'm guessing 1903. Okay. Great guess.

David? It is 1878. You've won. Again, all the guests win. Yeah, the guests always win. That's one thing we love about this casino. The guests always win. Okay.

September 11th, 1878. Oh, awkward. Just a regular day back then. Never forget. Yeah. Back then they didn't even think about it. It's the Chicago Daily Telegraph. Okay.

Page one, mashed on his wife. I'm sorry. I'm not into whatever the verb. No, no. Is that smash or pass? Or is this, are you just trying? trying to make an Englishman erotic.

Ooh, bit of mash. Bit of mash on the wife. Ooh. Yeah. The night reporters of the Lake Street non-entity. I love all. I don't need to stop you again, but night report, like, reporting after die.

Oh, my, yeah, some of the names of old papers is like. Oh, yeah. So good. The night reporters. Of the Lake Street non-entity and stories organ. for his satanic majesty. What in the fuck is happening? Dave, you're the guy in charge of what the fuck is.

So what the fuck is happening? I don't know. Is he like a president? Is this like an early president or like a fraternity? It's, okay. So let's just say the night reporters. In commenting on the cause of Dean's jealousy of his wife,

which resulted in her disfigurement for life. Oh, Jesus Christ. And his own self-murder. So that's actually solicitor. Murder is the new way of describing taking your own life. Keep going. Right. In their efforts to spin out a long account of the Michigan Avenue sensation

distorted the facts in a wonderful manner. Oh, so they're saying the night reporters lied. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, that's why we don't have them anymore. They're a bunch of covers. Had to get rid of them. They got rid of them. Only morning reporters now, gentlemen.

You guys are just drunk making up stuff. It's a pretty interesting. A lot of stuff's going on around here. I'm a poet. I'm a poet. What poet? He's self-murdered. And we were supposed to be right, and you fucking idiots, we're screwed.

So, and manufactured a very thin story. So, Mashed his wife means, like, smashed his wife? I think we're going to get there. We don't know. We really don't know. And manufactured a very thin story of Mrs. Dean's relations with one of the officers of the Cottage Grove Avenue Station. Okay, so they made up an affair.

Oh. With the cottage grove. Or somebody made up an affair. So she was fucking a cop. It sounds like it. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly.

Then allegedly, you know, it's like a fuck around and find out situation. You know? Yeah. The telegraph reporter was on the scene of the tragedy shortly after the occurrence and made diligent inquiry for some tangible cause for Dean's jealousy. So,

okay, so Dean did a bad thing. Dean killed himself and, and sounds like beat her up or something. And the first thing, okay, so she's been maimed in some capacity and the first thing the guy's doing is like, why did he do this to himself? And she's like, I'm all fucked up. And he's like, I'll get to that.

We'll get to that. So what would cause a man to take his own life? She's like, oh, he like, he like cut me a lot. Well, it's got to be a woman. She hadn't been fucking someone else, why else would a man do this? You bang a cop? Exactly. Exactly. I mean, just

you know, what was she wearing all of it? You know? That's so true. Like, just like behind every man is a crazy woman. Yep. Thank you for saying. When we say that, people come at us. But, you know, I'm

just, I'm here to be one of the guys. Thank you. You're getting right in. I'm going to, Dave, timeout. I'm getting some soft blonde. Fuck it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. What are the guys. A number of Dean's intimate acquaintances and chums were interviewed and all asserted that they had heard Dean say time and time again that he had the best wife on earth that she was good and a virtuous woman.

Oh, you know, a wife guy. A wife guy. Of course it's a fucking wife guy. Of course. A chum. He had a touch of the morbs, as they used to say. That was old slang. Morbs meant being depressed and morbidly fascinated.

I've got a touch of the morbs. Oh. That was actually... I love the morbs. But like, it sounds like something a Gen Z person would say, doesn't it? Yeah, it sounds like something a teenager. Sounds like a TikTok trend. We're morbing.

Yeah. I got the morbs. I'm morbing. Yeah. A morb, yeah. I'm morbing. I mean, if I ever died, just please refer to my friend. as chums.

Intimate chums. Intimate chums. I feel like that's very appropriate language if I've just been facially mutilated and driven a man to suicide. What did you do, lady? I have a vagina and that's all. There we go. Guilty!

That'll do it. They represented him as wanting his wife with him always. A further investigation in the. affair yesterday. They're laying it on a little thick, I feel like. I feel like this is posthumous, like, you know what I mean? Like, boy, he never loved anyone like, okay,

all right. Then why did he maver? This is also one of the, this is really terribly written. This is one of the ones that are hard to figure out. Okay. So Miss Knight, who was reported to have alleged that police officer dur was the immediate cause of the jealousy

denies in the insinuation of the Times alleged interview. She says that when asked whom she saw in company with Ms. Dean, besides her husband, she said she saw her speak with Derr the most as he was always on that beat. She said the interview is the most outrageous distortion in its salient points is nothing. So she told a reporter, she saw him talking to this cop all the time because that was the beat the cop was on. And then the, and then the reporter was like, they're fucking.

They're fucking! The woman that was, like, maimed by a violent fucking psychopath was frequently talking to the policeman that walked the beat around her house. I wonder what they were talking about. She was definitely like, look, I'm really worried. He seems like a loose cannon. And the guy's like, yeah, that's awful. But then, like, any witness is like, they're banging. They're banging.

A reporter sought Officer Dyer yesterday afternoon and obtained from him substantial. the following statement. He said the whole charge of improper intimacy is a falsehood. He knew Miss Dean as nearly ever officer in the police station did. He always found her pleasant. Oh, so she liked to get around. Yes, she's a cop fucker. Oh, man.

Likes her uniform. No, I'm worried about my husband. No, I'm talking to every cut. Boy, she's really begging them, isn't she? He always found her a pleasant, discreet, upright lady. and as the best evidence in refutation of the charge, he could cite, he stated that his mother and sister were well acquainted with Ms. Dean and called on her many times.

How does that help? Yeah, I'm not having an affair with her. Also, my mom and sister hung out with her a lot. You know what I mean? Listen, my mom said it was okay. And you know, you know, that's every cop's justification for anything. My mom, mommy said I could. My mom said I was allowed to shoot him.

I'm a big boy. I can fuck the other guy's wife. Mom, d'ur. Mom said. Dean and himself were also intimately equated. And very often Dean himself. It sounds like everybody's fucking. It does.

It's not a good word for what's going on. He's just overusing intimately. I mean, I think in the past everyone was doing nothing but fucking also. Well, it's also the night reporters. So they're probably a little more like romantic, you know, like, yeah. his intimate friends. She was intimate with all the cops. Yeah, the night reporters do it a little more tittingly.

Yeah, tittingly? Tittingly, I said that wrong. Is that a right term? It is now the correct term, now that I've said. I'm not okay with what you've done. Titting. Tittingly. What is titting?

Titting. I just read Philistiller's memoir and she described someone as titting her. Oh, shit. She was talking about someone grab her because she had huge jugs. Yeah. You know that, right? She had like enormous wreck. So what does that mean?

She used to hide it. And she was telling you a story about some guy like grabbing her tits. He's like, when you got done titting me, because she was like born in 1916. So like everything in the memoir is like. You know, I was getting a bit of a titan. You know how it is. So I was like, oh, is that an actual parli? They were razzed me.

They were titing me. You get the usual. I always get titted, you know. Oh, I've been titting Dave for years. I tipped have a lot. He's been titting me for a while. I love to tit, Dave. Yeah.

The probable cause of the attempt to connect dur with the matter was a call he made at Miss Warner's house the afternoon of the tragedy. He was out selling tickets to the yellow fever picnic and among a number of other houses on his beat. Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's pretty complicated. The yellow fever picnic, like the yellow fever, like the virus or like the racist movement from like that.

And I'll see it at the cake cake cake, cake, yeah, like a side. No, like, seriously, like, what? Yeah, it's definitely just, it's such a weird little name drop for that year. Yeah, I was over there. Are you taking your kids to the yellow fever picnic? Are you like, we got to get them all, they all have to get the yellow fever together. Huge tragedy. Yeah.

Yeah. The problem with the term yellow fever picnic at this time is that the yellow fever was around. Like, it's like an actual thing that kills you. But I also, like, I used to be in adult films. And my best friend always talks about because she's Asian. That she was in several films with titles like Yellowfeas. Oh, yeah, right. Okay.

Oh, my God. My brain went a totally different direction. How long ago? Okay. Jesus Christ. She started in the early 2000s. So even in the early 2000s, that was still like 100% acceptable. Well, like porn was like, cancel us?

No. Yeah. Try. Yeah. Yeah. The red scare is a terrible porn title. Go ahead, Dave. You can't show blood and porn, so that wouldn't work. Well, Dave. No period. I can't. Sorry, I'm derailing things. I added in myself. I have a home operation.

Dave, there will be no more information coming from you that's outside of the paper. Do you understand? Yes. Okay. Mr. Dean came to the door and said he did not want any tickets. Miss Dean came as he was leaving and made a like response they went away and did not know of the tragedy

until he reported at the station. Okay, so whatever. This is just about a cop lying, right? Eventually, yeah. This is a lot of fucking bullshit and it's not even a story. You're not telling the story. It's just... Well, a man self-murdered.

A man did self-murder. And he mashed his wife, and we don't know what that means. Back when I was a boy, it meant you gave her the business. you mash the misses you always mash the misses yeah mashing the misses can be nice

do like when you look up articles sorry I was gonna get a little inside baseball when you go on like newspaper newspapers dot com do you just do a random or do you throw in a word because you're looking for a story like about something

I have done that but rarely I usually just start reading papers all right yeah but sometimes I put a word in. I do keyword searches, like, just to satisfy a curiosity about how things change over time. Did you know the last time that the N-word was used in a headline was like in the 70s? I'm surprised that was so late, to be honest with you.

Yeah. Yeah. I was looking up stuff about stage coach Mary. Spoiler alert. Stage coach Mary is not what she was called in her time. And so I went down a rabbit hole that was very unfortunate. it. But, so sometimes I do it for that just to see, like, how things change.

Like, they didn't really use the word rape for a long time, but they would use words like outraged. Like, outraged. Like, like, that would, so, like, it's just really funny, like, the way they use different words for stuff to, like, yeah. Yeah. We can cut this out. I know it's not funny.

Dave said before that it's very hard sometimes to find like people will ask us like why don't you do like on the dollop more female heroic characters or things like that or what you know and Dave's like because white guys were writing the history so they don't there's not a lot of like

there's like there's a dearth of information on like you got to hear about this heroic slave because white guys are like never mind never mind never mind It's out there. It's out there because I do a whole podcast on it. So it's out there. But yeah, like you have to dig and look in unconventional places. So I learned how to look through like midwifery manuals.

I've called antique stores about furniture to find out like how furniture was used. Let me just say right now I'm not calling antique stores for a podcast. No, don't you dare go antiquing. And that wasn't for my podcast, but I'm a writer. So in the course of researching things when I hit roadblocks around women's history, I'd have to find just workarounds. So the information's there, but it involves a lot of workarounds. So I understand, like, that is a lot of effort to put it to like, you know, I mean,

that's its own research projects. I've called Antique Stories looking for the yellow fever porn before. It's there. There's a special yellow fever room in the back. That's right. Yeah. Afflictions never come singly. And now fire has destroyed a St. Louis lumberyard just at the time when the yellow fever creates a demand for an unusual number of coffins.

Oh, my God. Wow. This really just writes itself. I feel like my contribution as a guest here has really elevated the content because now we're all. Because now we're all just picturing a yellow fever orgy. Yeah. And, you know, all of an aerial disease, all the bumping and. grinding, fire up.

Thank you. Yeah. Wow. Can you read that headline one more time, David? This is just the whole story. It's just one sentence. It's a one sentence one sentence. Okay, great.

Afflictions never come singly, and now fire has destroyed a St. Louisie lumber yard just at the time when the yellow fever creates a demand for an unusual number of coffins. Ugh. It's just very dark. They always come in, too. You know what I mean? What? Oh, it always happens in twos.

Everybody's dying. Oh, the lumberyard burned down. Where are we going to put them? I guess just throw them in the ground. All right, we're doing three a casket. We're back to that. Desperate times. We'll go head to toe.

Oh, my God. No one has ever imagined that Blue Jeans Williams possessed an extraordinary amount of sense. But not... Me among them. But not even his enemies would have accused him of being such a fool as to fancy that an epidemic was to be arrested by prayer. And yet, if the dispatches are true, that is just... I'm so tired from this.

What are they saying? That is just the measure of his stupidity. They're calling him a fucking idiot. They're saying he's dumb for saying he stopped a epidemic with prayer. Okay. And this is Blue Gene Jim? Blue jeans Williams. Blue jeans Williams.

Okay, I like this. I like that in the 1870s, people were already going like, come on, but we all know it's not real. Like, I get it. We all are going on Sunday, but like at the end of the day, push comes to shove. We all know that none of that is real and we are all going to die and it's a long existential right to nowhere. Well, here's a question. I'll pause. Do you think more people believe that a man wearing nothing but blue jeans can heal things

through a power of prayer then or now? No. I think now. I mean, like the boldness of the fashion statement of nothing. I love the fashion. I mean, it's the sign. I picture no shirt. No shirt.

Okay. Is you wearing like a bandana? Maybe like maybe, but I don't want to get too risky. I think barefoot, I think pretty much picturing nothing but blue jeans. Every time you said barefoot and I just immediately thought of like barefoot racing a Sure. I don't know. Like that's right where your head goes.

Yeah. Every time. You know what? Because like, I don't know. I'm country. Oh, yeah, sure. No, that's... Could he barefoot race a hog?

That's a phrase? Okay. I'm not from where you're from, for sure. Your shorthand was even not just too short for us. And you're like, I think of that old expression. Could he barefoot race a hog? Did a defaulting constable, Detective James Scott arrested yesterday,

ex-constable Henry Schiffler of Gratwick County, Michigan, who embezzled about $250 of the county funds and skipped out. Since his departure, his wife has died in destitute circumstances, and the people of the county, being greatly incensed,

have determined to bring the culprit to his merited punishment. That's a bad man. I mean, this is why, like ladies, you know, they, you've got, you've got to only go after high value men in the free market place of ideas, Red Pole, X, Y, Z, never split the difference,

never go half, never go Dutch, or you'll end up dead. Sorry, I'm trying. That's a pretty good motto. Yeah. I mean, it was. I'm trying to encapsulate like every fucking TikTok I've seen about relationships in the past three years. Oh, my God.

And I think I hit all the major points. So if you, okay, I've said about the dollop before that I would say that if there was one thing to say to like indigenous cultures, the lesson would be don't show the white guy where the stuff is. No. That would be my one. And yours from the female POV would be one more time just so we have it clearly. I can't repeat all this little. From the girls' point of view, it's like never split the difference, never go Dutch. Girl Boston to the sun.

Girl Boston. A high value man in the free market place of ideas. Red pill, blue pill. Swallow. Red pole? Swallow is a strong ending. Red pole? Red pill.

Red pill. Red pill. Red pill. Red pill. Red pill is different. My dog had that. Yeah. Yeah.

I had it. I'm going to do so. Printer robbed early yesterday morning while on his way home from work. It would be great if he would. was unable to print this headline. He was like, they took the ink. No one will ever know. Yesterday morning, while on his way home from work, a printer named Newbold Adam fell asleep on a streetcar and while in this condition was relieved of currency to the amount of $9.

I love that. That's a great way to say you've robbed someone. Yeah. They've relieved him of currency. Well, it also seems like they're just trying to fill up paper with words. Yes. Well, no, like $9 in 187. That's a lot. Yeah, like in 1870, that would have been like, like, three or $400.

Are you really doing that in your head? I'd have to check my math, but like, I just do a lot of history research and my, my podcast partner, whenever I talk to her about dollar amounts, she's always like, well, how much is that now? I do that. I kind of have, like, I kind of have a range. You hear Dave? Like, at this point, like, I have a range. This is what I've been asking for, Dave. Yeah, sure.

I get it. A human calculator. Yeah. It's like I can kind of start to remember like chunks of like, okay, that would have been about like five times this much. That would have been like $9 back then. Would have been like, I don't know, I'm going to say like $150 to $300 today. It would have been enough to be like a chunk of money. Pissed off about it.

That's that's one cell phone bill with AT&T. Yeah. Back then cell phones were actually six cents a month. I actually do a lot of cell phone math on this show. I don't know if you've, if you've. If you've been on the right YouTube channels, but there are tons of photographs and paintings throughout history featuring our ancestors clearly using modern technology, which is proof that time travel is real. Okay. So we're all educated here.

Yeah. None of us are crazy. We all know that there were cell phones and Nicholas Cage is immortal. Go ahead, Dave. Yeah. I mean. Duh. So of $9, together with those in separate.

inseparable companions of a typesetter, an assortment of composing rules, and a plug of tobacco. This is all they took from him? Okay. So why did he go on a streetcar with all this shit? Go ahead. You're staying smarter than me.

Like composing rules, I mean, that would be part of like what you do to print, right? Like you have your, some kind of like a gadget. Yeah, he had his printing equipment. So why is he bringing all this shit with him? You know what I mean? You don't leave it. You don't leave it at the job.

No, people will go in there and take all your typesetting. What happened? Dave, you're good. All right. So how much ink was that in today's ink, Dave? Sovereign you'll see right now. Dave's pretty good with his ink shit. 400 pounds. Boom.

Wow. That's impressive. I love that they also put it a plug of tobacco though. Like that's... Yeah, the poor guy. Hey, man. Like, back in the day, they didn't, they couldn't just, like, log on the internet and watch porn.

They couldn't... That's right. They couldn't just, like, go to the local store and get some CBD and some... and some mushroom. gummies and like they're all they could do was like jerk off fuck get drunk and smoke so by the way that's like fucking really important that's like stealing someone cell phone like how am i going to entertain myself you just said there was what i did in high school so it's not that far removed all you can do is smoke and jerk off and get drunk that's all i didn't and i bought weed from a guy

that was it well i mean i never i've i've never had to buy drugs but oh here we go It's a privilege. It's a privilege and an honor to serve. I bet. As a hoe. Whoever is mean enough to rob a printer can never expect an atonement for the heinous offense. Wow.

So this is really, I mean, I'm just going to say this is sort of biased because it's a newspaper. I would say that's kind of legit. Like, I mean, this is before cops existed really. Like,

like not, like, it was before detectives existed. You had cops, but you didn't really have detectives, right? Yeah, the cops were sleeping with the people. Yeah. They were mashing. Well, exactly.

They're like, they're fucking the citizens. So, huh, nothing's changed. But, you know, um, jinks. Um, but yeah, like they were, they were kind of important because they, they were at the time considered actual fucking truth tellers. Like they were literally like, whatever. So, I mean, because they're like, during the press wars, the Pulitzer Hearst press wars with all the, like, the murder squad was a group of reporters that would often get to crime scenes before the cops did. Well, and to all the investigating.

Now you've got. So, like, I mean, these guys were kind of like detectives. So I can see that actually. Like, you know. And now you've got all this printing material in the hands of a bad guy. So now some bad, this is probably how Fox News actually. This is the story of Fox News. You've got a bad guy now who has the printing,

and he can just sort of be like, a printer who was robbed, proven liar, you know, undercut it because he's got a headline machine. Dude, it must have been fucking awesome to be a reporter back in the day when, like, people couldn't. So, like, I think the newswires came in around, what, like 1911? Is that sound correct? Yep.

So, like, the AP newswires, right? So before that, right? In every town, like, you decide. what reality is. You're the king. It's all up to you. And like no one could fact check you. Like no one could like it must have been kind of a cool job because if you didn't want to do your job and you wanted to be lazy and just make shit up.

No one could really call you on your shit. Like you could phone it in. A time where someone just saying a bunch of bullshit was enough for people to just believe it. I'm like I'm I'm I'm really like let's all put on our our imagination caps here let's really let's powwow on this it would just be an it would just be interesting is all I'm saying that like what an interesting thought experiment I imagine like nothing would do wrong what would the world look like with something like that can't even imagine can't imagine yeah you're you're a genius I like that fun you're I like fun you're I like fun I like fun

fun. Yeah. That's a great thought experiment. You know, we're not here to think. We're here for entertainment. So if you want to just like tamp that down. Okay, Dave, let's lock back in. Next story. You're absolutely right. Thank you, son. A noted agriculturist writes to his paper, for the last five months, I have not lost a cucumber or melon. Oh, this guy, I hate these fucking goddamn agricultural braggadocious. I've not lost a cucumber or melon in a fortnight. Oh, who the fucking lie asshole? Some of us got greasy melon hands.

It is very evident this noble man lives miles and miles away from female seminaries and camp. What's happening? Well, what he's saying is that the ladies steal cucumbers and melons. He is saying that the female seminaries are the reason why melons and cucumbers roll.

Is there some sort of insinuation here? Yeah, I think it's a... Go ahead. Nature finds a way. So those college girls found themselves some dildos. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking they're saying, right?

Yeah. And then every time like one's used up, just throw it in the trash, go get a new one. It's just like being a lesbian in a relationship. Like you just go shop for a new dick together, you know? Yeah. Right. Hey, you can't cross streams, okay? All right.

If it's been in one vagina, it can't go in another one. What's the melon then? Titties. What do they use of the titties for? Because have you ever felt a titty? Well, one time. One time. Yeah.

Yeah. If you've ever felt a titty, you don't need to ask that question. So the mel. I did, but I got awful scared. I did, but it hurt my cucumber. My cucumber got all funny. I imagine that they were like using the watermelon to like learn how to eat puss. Because it's a, it's a girl's seminary.

So I'm imagining there's a lot of like, I don't know if you've seen the videos on TikTok. I don't know. I guess I don't understand what a melon is. Okay. They have like watermel. They have these contests like in New Zealand and stuff for like all the Maori guys like who can eat like the pie or whatever fast enough. Like there's a lot of things around the fruit.

There's a really famous scene. Well, in America we actually have a hot dog eating competition, which I believe is an homage to the same thing. Dipping it in water, getting it nice and wet. I mean, it's really. But aren't all like champions of that like dudes? I think what you're, I think the point you're missing here is that,

um, if there's any chance to be penetrated by something that's not a penis. Nine times out of ten, she's going to go with that. But in today's numbers, that's 27 out of 30. It's a big watermelon. Yeah.

I get it. I mean, honestly, who needs to explain stealing a watermelon, right? It's like... No, I agree. But, well, it's just, we're going to need to hydrate after our cucumber sessions, girls. Hey, we don't, if they're the biggest cucumbers in town. You know?

Dave, I don't know if a moral panic, you know what I mean? Like, if your girl is getting used to... Boy, you sure love salads lately, hon. You really like big cucumbers. I mean, it's encouraging women to be sexually vigorous and free and to have preferences and become size queens. Thank you. Girl boss off into the sunset. Yeah.

The book title you pitched earlier. I do not like this. This is one of these days a woman's going to come and then what are we going to do? All right, everybody, we need. It is our job to make sure that doesn't. not happen. Talk about a Pandora's bucks, and I do mean bucks. That's what I'm saying. I mean, the consequences of

this will ring out through generations. Women will change. They'll start wearing pants. They'll start wanting to eat sitting down. Men are going to start having to do shit, like eat pussy and be emotionally available. Ralph, you'll be okay. Hang on. Ralph, it'll be all right. It'll just be like five or six times.

Oh, well, this is... Sorry, guys. Maybe on the subject, but here's a big oyster ad. Hello. Oh, this newspaper is horny. Yeah. I am now prepared to supply hotels and restaurants with the trade generally with the best of stock. And at low prices as any house in the trade.

Okay. He has said trade. he has said money he has said oysters and he said trade again and then like house might be a capitalist

like yeah this is a whorehouse correct I am a former sex worker so I'm allowed to use the slur and to us slut whore hooker and for you it's a sex worker

it's a sex worker and it is yes it's an establishment for fornicate It sounds like a house of ill repeat. That's right. It sounds like. Hello.

And we're back. And we're back. Or this is actual oysters. It's actual oysters. I'm sorry. Damn it. Oh. Sorry.

It's okay. Does anyone actually like oysters? We just did a two-parter on the history of oysters on the dollop. And let me tell you, people do love oysters. We personally find it to be a fucking insane practice. It's horrible. Horrible. I didn't listen to that episode because, like...

You wanted to be prepared for this. No, the first time that I ever had them, I was fine. And then four hours later, I woke up in the middle of the night, like, projectile vomiting. Like, I was just like, oh. And like, after that, like, even seeing the word, you know what I mean? Like, I'll just be like, oh. So I saw, like, that episode come up.

And I was like, I was like, oh, I can't listen to because I lived it. Who would have thought that a thing that looks like a fucking dead horse eye that you need to cover in Tabasco lemon and the secret is to not let it touch your tongue would be a horrendous item but people still love them it's crazy what are other foods like that like there's other foods where like the whole point of enjoying it is like that you don't i don't i can't think another thing like that where people i can't either are like that it's like so common in america to be like oh enjoy it enjoy it and you're like it tastes like well don't taste it right What are you out of your mind?

They're disgusting. The only other experience I had like that was a, I had, I was into Lume and I ate crickets, like roasted crickets. But even then, don't they have a kind of like. Yeah, they're kind of spicy. Yeah, there's like a flavor to them where you're like, oh, it's not what I'm used to, but I can kind of relate to it. But, but they serve it to you with like a bunch of tequila. It's like. This is a great meal.

Yeah. But like, and they're like, oh, no, you do that. And then you like, I don't know. If they taste like shit, then why are we? why are we eating them? What's interesting eating an oyster and like a banana slug?

What's the difference? Why aren't people eating banana slugs all the time? I imagine there's probably more nutrients in a banana slug. I caught a guy trying to eat slugs in my yard.

I was like, Mr. No. My grandfather was a French immigrant, so escargo. Yeah. But escargo, you're meant to taste it. And it tastes very much, it's like in a garlic butter. Yeah, it's kind of, I've had it.

It sounds like steak. It's like, I get that more. It's like, it's yummy. Oysters are rarefied air or water. Yeah. An exciting chase. The neighborhood around Van Buren and Canal Streets was treated yesterday to an exciting, though laughable thief chase. In which Mrs. Doll, fresh from the wash tub, Joe Elliott, the no,

notorious sneak thief, a pot-bellied police officer, unaparined saloon keeper, and a long, lanky bystander with a big head. In fact, a giant giant, I was just standing there like, you got a big weird head. In fact, a giant parlor match were all participants. It appears that Miss Dahl lives upstairs over a saloon at number 18 West Van Buren Street. and yesterday while washing went downstairs to get the key to the cellar

in which she and the barkeeper keep their odds and ends. The barkeeper was in the basement at the time and the only person in the saloon was Joe Elliott who was helping himself to the contents of the till. Love this guy. Yeah.

I have some notes. You've got notes on this actual thing? I have notes. So, So back in the day, you know, the way they describe people, the reason they do that, one, obviously, because they didn't have, like, like, by the 1870s, they were starting to, I think, have, like, photos. But physiognomy was, like, a big thing. And so, like, all this stuff was supposed to be imbued into, like, your features. Right, yeah.

So, like, when you read old papers, when they're describing people like that, that's why. Well, they also. Like, they're trying to, like, like. They're trying to set the, paint the picture, get you, like, the. Yeah, but they're also trying to tell you something. something about the person's character from like the bad guy. This is the guy. Yeah.

Because we've noticed in papers they will describe, like the man will be like in a bowler hat with a mustache. And then a woman will be like she had oceany green blue eyes and a bosomy top with a freckley leg. And you're just like, Jesus Christ, relax. The other note was, the other note was, could you imagine today if like newspapers or websites, like, published your fucking address. Oh, no, we talked about that. And a fucking news story. It went until the 70s.

It just went on forever. Nuts. They were just like, a woman who is very vulnerable above a saloon, 19 maple. Or just like the weird twitterness of it all when they'd have the sections. We'd be like, because I was looking at my own ancestors on newspapers and like, Miss Polly Carr visited so-and-so in Attico. Indian territory on this day. And I'm just like,

did someone tell her mind her fucking business? Like, I can't believe this is my relative that allowed this to happen because I can't imagine anyone in my family not taking umbrage with their movements being trapped. So, Rensai went on a drive this afternoon. First of all, just the general lawnessness of my life.

Yeah. There was no, there was no privacy back then. There was no. Everyone was in everybody's business all the time. Which is crazy that we've kind of come full circle. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah.

So. Different nightmares. I mean, if anyone ever, like, I don't know. Like, if someone said I found your Twitter history, I'd be like, that's fine. If someone said, oh, I figured out your Reddit username. Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, no. I have to go kill myself, sorry.

I have to go mash my partner's face and then self-murder. Self-murder, that's the one. I saw someone on Twitter saying that they, I'm not on Twitter on Reddit saying, this is Dave Anthony and all this proof. And I was just watching it. I was like, that's not me. It's just some guy that were accusing of being me. And I was just watching, going, yeah, I'm right here.

You're like, no, that's just another crazy man. I've had that happen too. Like, have ever had it be that someone accuses you of being, like, a sock? And it's not you. And there's, like, nothing you can do about it. Like, it's just, like, like, you just have to sit there and, like, take the hits. Yeah. Yeah, it's really weird.

Okay, so Johnny yelled the Miss Doll to the bartender. Come up here. There's a fellow tilling your tap. The fellow didn't wait to explain it and started to run for the quieter premises. Mrs. Dahl went after him and was joined by the police officer. What a hero? And the match, the Sloonkeeper, bringing up the rear. I don't know what they're saying match. Whatever.

The thief took to the tracks, dodged under a few cars, with Miss Dahl still at his heels. Unfortunately for her, back hair? Unfortunately for her, comma, her back hair, all her own, fell down and caught in one of the bolts. This is getting cartoony. While passing under one of the cars. No. And brought her up all standing. Wait.

So she got like, her back hair caught? The lady that died in the car accident that got, not Mamie Van Doren, the other Marilyn Monroe type, Jane Mansfield. Are they saying that basically like her hair caught? Oh, the back of her hair?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's saying it's saying it stood her up. Well, it like stopped her from advancing. It lifted her off the ground. Yeah, I think so. The police officer got between

the two tracks and couldn't get out. And the Sillumkeeper had withdrawn from the contest and went back to see if someone else had not got away with something during the trip. So he goes back because he's like, well, we all just left the bar and everyone's going to take shit.

Yeah. The long lanky fellow, however, was up to snuff. And by stepping over a few cars and sliding through a crack in the door of another, succeeded in catching Joe and entwining him with his arms. Okay. Okay. So he grabbed him with that big, that big dumb heads full of some ideas. So this Iqabod crane-bodied bitch was a simp for Miss Dull.

And basically saved the day by being an Iqabod-haired body. This fat-headed hero. Giant-headed hero. This watermelon-headed man. Yeah. Another officer came along and gracefully thanking his match ship for his catch. Took Joe to the station. Sorry, I was begging that guys.

I was mashing a wife. Was Justice Morrison fined him $100 for disorderly conduct, the missing $6 from the till being found on the way where Joan had thrown it during the chase. I mean, that was... It's a real little caper. Is it? Yeah, it sounds like you could hear one of those

old-timey pianos playing during that. It could be fun, right? She gets caught by your hair. I mean, that's pretty wild, but when I go and read through old newspapers, I'm constantly surprised at the shit people survived. There'll be news stories about just, kind of horrific manglings and accidents and then they're doing well.

And it's just like how it is. They're always like, oh, this person is going to die. And they're like, they didn't die. Like, that's how the story goes. We did, we did one for this, this thing that we're, we haven't even released it, but it was basically about this guy who got a bullet in his head right here for the rest of his, and like should have died by all accounts, but basically walked it off for like, five days.

When you say right here for the audience. I'm pointing to my butt. He's pointing, yeah. He's pointing to his brown eye. Yeah, I'm pointing right on it. I've been very, I've been doing that the whole episode, though, to be fair. You twinkly-eyed fucker. They don't all twinkle.

Some of them wink. That's right. Stinkle. David. What? The other. day a curious little incident occurred on the north of British Railway giving a striking instance to the sagacity sometimes displayed by dogs.

Excuse me? Dave, just remind me what sagacious means because I'm a nervous. And Dave, me too. Just because I don't know what sagacious means. Okay, listen, listen, this I cannot abide. Dave, remind me how sagacious is spelled. I'm a Virgo.

I cannot abide this. Because what I put in Google. I need to be better right now. I need to be smarter. and better than you. Pegasus. Pegasus. Sagacity is the quality of being sagacious.

Thank you, dictionary. Having her showing keen mental discernment and good judgment, i.e. shrewd. And you know what? Never use a fucking $20 word when a fucking $1 word will do. Yeah, thank you. These people clearly didn't go to journalism. And by the way, in today's money, that's over $700 words. Thank you.

Yeah. I mean, but also in today's money, the skinny guy that saved the day, if he was like over six feet tall, crushin pussy. Yeah. Cushing. Cushing. That's the only requirement to date as a man now. Yeah.

You don't even have to be nice, just tall. No, it's true. That's what dating profiles will tell you. Bullshit. So the other day, I curious the little incident. occurred on the North British Railway, giving a striking instance of the sagacity sometimes displayed by dogs. Shortly before the arrival of the train leaving, Edinburgh, for Queensferry, a wise-looking black-and-tan collie dog came on the platform, where it stood for some time,

during which a west-going train stopped and took in passengers until the Queensferry train came up. When, watching its opportunity, it slipped in at the open door of the third-class carriage. in which were seated some ladies and gentlemen who, seeing that dog had no owner, endeavored to turn it out. Excuse me. They wanted to get the dog out of the train. This is a long way of saying a dog went on a train.

Yeah, that's all they're saying right now. This dog better do some Lassie shit pretty soon. I'm just saying, like, we need to appreciate how times have changed because Lassie was like, like, if you want to get a Lassie dog today, that's going to set you back some change. You're going to have to like hunt for that shit. You're going to have to go pick it up. You're going to have to like do a meet and greet at your fucking house.

You're going to have to like pass a bunch of fucking test. You're going to have to pass a criminal background check just to get that dog through your door. In the 1870s, that kind of high class animal was just wandering the streets. But it hasn't done anything yet. And then and then it gets on a train and no one wants it? But this dog is sagacious. I haven't heard nothing sagacious about this dog thus far. It just turned between.

Trains, Gareth. We don't know that. I mean, that's better than I do. Why didn't it get on the first class car? Huh? Stupid dog. Not sagacious. Well, it's being written about in the paper, isn't it?

And where are you? And where are you? Actually, you did just get written up. Didn't you? I did. Yeah, unfortunately. Yeah. Fucker.

You just like ruined my punchline. Normally that just destroys because it's... That'll come out with this paper. 99% of the time, if I see... say and what have you been doing, the answer's going to be fucking nothing. Yeah, well, see, I'm sagacious. A new word. Oh.

So what did the dog do, Dave? Did it do anything? Okay, so they endeavored to turn it out, but without success, the dog retreating into a corner under the seat and resisting every attempt. So far it's just been a dog. Yeah, it's a dog that got under a seat. And then trying to give him. Dave's dog.

Dave has three of these. Also, like, she's virtuous. Like, she's resisting every attempt. So, you know. Now you have. just made her a female dog because of her sagaciousness, I feel. So far, dog,

nothing. Nothing so far. I don't know. Like, the fact they're even talking that way. The fact that you're talking this way about a dog. I'm just, I'm representing, I'm representing the listener right now. I want to hear some sagaciousness

and God damn it, David. I want to hear it soon. Okay. At the other station on the line. At the other stations on the line, these attempts were repeated, but the dog stuck to its post until Kirliston was passed. Then it approached one of the doors of the carriage and sat waiting until the door was opened at Dalmanie Station. Then, with a bound, it cleared the carriage and made off at full speed. It had evidently traveled by the same route before, and having lost its master in Edinburgh, had taken this method of getting home.

Okay. All right. I think the use of the term master is little insensitive. Agreed today. Own her. Yeah. This is sagacious. Pet parent, caretaker. But no.

A thieving cop. No. What is I called a cop. Dave? John Hart, the thieving special policeman, was arraigned in Justice Morrison's court yesterday. day charged with robbing a poor sailor from Milwaukee named Dennis Kenny. I know Dennis.

I'm from Milwaukee. I know Dennis. Yeah. You do know Dennis. Yeah. You're from Millie Joaquin. Yeah. The Goodland.

Thank you. See? The Cream City resident. Is that what you got? Once I left it. I did a little tour through Wisconsin and that seems like a, that seems like something that, seems like something that has a beauty queen attached to it. Yeah.

Probably. Like the Queen of Cream is probably like a pageant title. Yeah. I've been that. Go ahead, Dave. The Cream City resident was walking along Milwaukee Avenue when he met. We call it Milwaukee, by the way. Keep going.

I know. Who advised him to sleep in a cart standing in an alleyway. Yep. That happens a lot. So far, everything's pretty normal as far as Milwaukee goes. This happens. You're in Cream City. Someone goes, hey, you should sleep in that cart standing up.

Yeah. I don't know. Did someone offer to show you their dick for 50 cents? Well, in today's money, that's over $4. So yes. Like the Milwaukee experience, like, isn't really rounded out until the crackhead at the Circle K, like, tells you the most beautiful woman that ever existed. You know what I mean? Yeah.

This happens to me. Absolutely. It's the white hen pantry, but yes. I mean, you do, like, without a beard, you could be a farmer's wife. You know what I mean? I haven't seen the bedunk. I don't know what you got going on the best. but if you're from Milwaukee, you might be a bigger butted male.

I don't know. I got what I like to call trunk space. Hey, then you're on there. I thought about it. White colored bricks made of clay gave Milwaukee the nickname Creamsit. Exactly. That makes 100% sense. That's what we all thought.

Yeah. So Kenny took his advice, and while he slept, Hart cut open his pocket, taking a purse containing $13 in cash. Kenny objected, but the fellow told him to hold his mouth or he would fix him. Justice Morrison fixed Hart by holding him to the criminal court. Why didn't he just rob them? Why did he, was he like laying that cart and then he cut a hole in his pocket? But why would he just be like, give me your money?

Because he told him to get in the alley where no one would see it. Okay. This is, this is, this. He cut a hole in his pocket. This is coded as very gay. It is a little gay. This is coded as very queer. So what had happened was these two gentlemen were in the alleyway having an assignation.

Uh-huh. And then he got, then the trick got rolled, as we say. Yeah. For running those pockets. I don't. I'm just saying. No, I don't think it's crazy. Not crazy.

Yeah. I think, I think, because sailors are very sexual people. Yes. Dave, confirmed. They are high key.

They're like, they're mad sexual. They're oversex. Yeah, they're mad sex. They fuck, they're butt fuckers. My,

well, my ex-girlfriend was in the military, and it was like this whole thing that like, the understanding about the Marines is like they're the slettiest branch. It's like they're just, Like they can't like keep it together Like that was the joke between the branches Was that the sluts were the Marines

Like 100% Like they're also Shut out to Marines Yeah But that their lives and their personalities Were mainly defined by the amount of weird sexual trouble they would get into With each other and then like

Well that's why we want them in some sort of combat I mean get these yeah that's I love it It tells you that the right people are there You want someone that is completely guided by it if you're sending them to go kill innocent civilians. You know, you want someone that's not going to ask a lot of questions. That's not really going to think about consequences. That's slightly amoral.

You know, you need that. That's what we're after. Our best and our brightest. That's why we call it our best and our brightest. You need that in a mercenary, right? We're looking for people who have that word that I've already forgotten. Socrates. Socrastity?

Segregity. That's right. Segrast to me. My best friend and hygiene. school went into the into the army and she called me like a year after all of her shit and she was like oh like I got kicked out and I was like oh my god like how did you get kicked out of the military and she was like for promiscuity and I was like I need to know the number like what like what's the number of people you fuck that the that the army decided it was like too many like because that

means that somewhere in the government, there's a number. Yeah. That's like too much. And she was like, they didn't go into it, but it was me like losing the truck that really pissed him off. Is that a euphemism? No. Like, she literally just like lost a fucking vehicle.

I'll be honest, it shocks me that the military would even give a fuck about that. The amount of weapons that we leave in these countries are like, oh shit, they're shooting tomahawks at us. I just thought it was funny that she lost a vehicle, but the final straw for them was that she had sucked too much dick. Like Like Like look

You can fuck us by equipment But you can't straight up fuck us Yeah Like one objectively Just a jet Like a chaotic good Dick sucking It's a chaotic good

It makes everybody happy It calms everyone way down Yeah not Dave I will say I've taken Dave to Cream City You can replace a truck You can't replace a blowjob queen Like it's nothing

That's true That is true And by the way that should be a rank. Yes, sir. Blow job queen. Yes, I agree. Go ahead.

Pressure. Well, sovereign. Yeah. Yes. Fighting. Yeah. Sort of. Dick after dick after dick, man.

It's just drop and suck 20. Sovereign, thank you for joining us. Your podcast, ill repute. Listen wherever podcasts are. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And you've taught us a lot. Yeah, we learned a lot

Just, you know, make sure to always Always cradle the balls Yep Dave, are you listening to what she said? No, I agree. Remember that for a while. Dave, remember. Yeah, no, okay?

I'm not talking about a, that's why I always say Hamicum, that's what I say to him. I go hamicum. So he's like, what? Give them. Just like a tender handus, you know? Yeah, yeah, just like, yeah, like you're a whole. Holding like a little injured bird.

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Name one difference. Yeah. Well, thank you, sovereign. Ill repute. Go check it out.

Soverein'iour. Thank you for joining us on another episode of The Past Times. Oh, listen to us. We have a hell of a time. Yes. No, you didn't know. Some of these, you'll miss me, honey. Oh, hello there, dollheads.

It's Gareth Reynolds. I want you to join the Gare Force and come and see me do stand up on the road. I will be in Spokane, Washington, February 4th. I will be in Bend, Oregon, February 5th, Portland, the 6th, and the 7th. Then I will be in Bakersfield, California, February 27th for two shows. And then, oh, boy, April, here we go. April 19th, I'll be in Albuquerque, Tulsa on April 21st, Oklahoma City, April 22nd, Dallas, April 23rd.

I'm going to try to see a viral chiropractor that day, but that's neither here nor there. I'll be in Tyler, Texas, April 24th. I didn't even know that. I'll be in Houston, April 25th for two shows. I'll be in Austin at Cap City on the 26th. And then the 28th, I will be rounding it out in San Antonio at LOL. Oh, my gosh, and I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. That's rounding it out.

Go to garethrethrennals.com for tickets and information. Also, prizes. We're giving away a bunch of trucks and stuff over there. If you just log on and legally, that's not binding. But go to garthornolds.com. Love you.