The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 60 - The Comet Panic

Episode Date: February 22, 2015

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the arrival of Haley's Comet in 1910.SOURCESTOUR DATESREDBUBBLE MERCHPATREON

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Dave Anthony, read a story to my friend Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is about. Dave I'm supposed to say my name. I was gonna just say the whole thing and then you were gonna cry or whatever you do. That's not how we've never done one where that's happened. Well the people want it. I don't think they I don't know. We're not even gonna talk about this. Maybe next time guys. Do you want to look who to do? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny. Not Gary Gareth. Dave okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not gonna become the tickly clock. Okay. You are queen fakie of made-up town. All hail Queen Shit of Liesville.

A bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do a frame. Hi, Gary. No. Is he done my friend? No. No. So there. September 24th, 1909. Headline the Tacoma Times. The giant comic is now hurling this way. The giant comet? Yeah. I think they said comic for a second. I wish. I hope I did. The giant comic. Where are you? It's just like a Godzilla-sized comic. How did you two meet? Oh god! You ever know this? Here's Hailey's comic. Biggest and rarest of comics now headed this way. It can soon be seen now for the first time in 76 years. Called

the Evil Eye of the Sky. It has just been sighted by astrometers at the Harvard Observatory and is bearing down on the earth at a rate of several thousand miles a second. It's tail is millions of miles long and the comic itself is bigger than the Sun. Once every 76 years, this hobo of the heavens wanders the earth's orbit. They really get the nickname and business of the comet. Well, hobos are big like that, right? Hobos are big, the evil eye of the sky. So they're just gonna go ahead and call a comic a hobo. The galaxy's hobo. It's a wandering around the galaxy. Here comes the hobo. The hobo. Every 76 years, the hobo of the heavens

wanders into the earth's orbit. Spare change! Oh no, the comet! Leaving a meteor shower in its wake, its appearance always has been associated with some big event in world history and now it makes good its reputation coming just after the North Pole is discovered. So I guess they just found Santa. Good out of here! The comet will be visible with good telescopes from all of the United States for several months. Astronomers present theories about comets make old beliefs seem funny. People used to shh. I love that because we're in that time now still. You're always in that time but the idea that like in 1909

they're like well we used to think we have it figured out didn't we? Here's what it really is. The comet is a homeless man. People used to shudder when they dreamed of the earth hitting a flying comet. Haley's comet thought to be more dangerous than others because it is so big and could clear out our whole system of planets. But the comet is as harmless as an incandescent electric light. They're throwing in all the modern-day shit. I mean really? Yeah, the cutting edge. Super topical stuff. It's the skateboard of the sky. Comets are composed of gas, the kind of gas that shines where there is no air, just like

the electric lights shining thread does. The vacuum around the planets like the vacuum in a glass tube. I don't think they even, I don't even think they're trying anymore. What other shit you think I can cram in here? Ah boy, this is an article right? The Harvard astronomers not only will look at the comet with their telescopes but clear through it to see stars on the other side. How about that? It's crazy. Camille Flammerion, the distinguished French astronomer, noted that Haley's comet had already visited the Earth 24 times since the year 12 BC. Wow. Alfonso the 6th of Portugal, when the comet of 1664 appeared, overwhelmed it with abuse

and threatened it with his pistol. Oh boy, that comet dodged a bullet that day. I will shoot you. Get out of the sky. I want to know more about that story. The man who shot at Comet. It sounds like he thinks it was effective that he made it go away. That's so great. Well, you all should be thanking me. You saw me call it a content shoot at it, right? You're cunt, cunt. Haley's famous comet appeared again in April 1066 at the moment that William the Conqueror was invading England. Oh. All the chronicles that the chroniclers at the time wrote, the Normans guided by a comet are invading England. I feel like. Of course. They weren't okay. It's very validating to see this. Okay, they weren't, they weren't guided by a comet.

Guys, get your swords, put your swords into it and let it guide us. Follow the comet to England. Comet will lead us. The celebrated surgeon Ambrose Pear described the comet of 1525. Quote, the comet was so horrible and so frightful and engendered such great terror in the vulgar that many died of fear. Others, others fell sick. It appeared to be of excessive length and the color of blood. Like how it takes, it took it personally. It was just, it really was, it was overdoing it with its size. Wouldn't stop looking at me. We get it. You're big. Holy shit. Don't rub our faces in it. My wife's dead from fear. At the summit, one saw the figure of a bent arm holding a large sword in the hand as in the act of striking. At the point there were three stars.

Wait. He thought that he saw in the comet an arm holding a sword. Is it possible they're getting stupider? I thought there would be some sort of evolution. This is back in time. So it is. Oh, but still, but we're before the guy who shot it with his gun. Oh, this is. Okay. Sorry. Okay. So we are going in the right direction. At the two sides in the rays of this comet, we're seeing a great number of axes, knives and bloody swords among them. You just have to be so stupid. It doesn't matter what time. Do you see the swords? Look at that. It's a flying fight. It's a cartoon fight in the sky. Among the knives and swords were a great number of hideous human faces with bristly hair and beard. Help us. Oh my God. It's Silver Lake.

Hey, we're the bad guys from Superman. The appearance of Haley's comet in 1835 was blamed for several things, including the fall of the Alamo, the destruction of 350 buildings in New York City because of a fire that raged for several days and nights, the massacre of over 280 people in Africa by 10,000 Zulu warriors and wars that erupted in Cuba, Mexico, Ecuador, Central America, Peru, Argentina and Bolivia. That's great. So all and it's the reason I cheated on my wife on accident two. I told you the fucking comment. Nicholas Camille Flamarrion born February 26, 1842 was a French astronomer and author of more than 50 titles, including popular science works about astronomy, several notable early science fiction novels and works of a psychological

research and related topics. Parapsychology basically. Okay. The study concerned with the investigation of paranormal and psychic phenomena. Parapsychologists study telepathy, clairvoyance, psychokinesis, near-death experiences, reincarnation, apperational experiences and other paranormal claims. Flamarrion also published the magazine, L'Astronomie, starting in 1882 and he maintained a private observatory at Jusseville sur Agra Franc. It's like I'm there. From an 1894 magazine interview, quote, he knows everybody in Paris and he's constantly being consulted on all sorts of questions by Parisian reporters. He receives several thousand letters from all parts of the world, especially about anything new in the branch of astronomical science. And he is editor of the

monthly magazine, which he founded. And he's special about spiritualism. He wrote, remember spiritualism, yeah, the, uh, we, the, we, we G board, the magazine, a week, the week. Spiritualism is not a religion, but a science of which we as yet scarcely know the first thing about. As to beings different from ourselves, what may their nature be that souls survive the destruction of the body? I have not the shadow of a doubt. If the souls of the dead are about us upon our planet, the invisible population would increase at a rate of a hundred thousand a day, about 36 million a year, 3 billion, 620 million in a century, 36 billion in 10 centuries, etc. You get the point. Unless we admit reincarnation upon the earth itself. Well, I mean, so his point is

that prove reincarnation. Yeah. If, if reincarnation wasn't happening, then there would be tons of, we would be just, it's like a mosh pit of like dead people around us like move. Just sardine, like it's sardine. Oh no, more people died. Make room. I'm getting squished. I would all get squished. I would all get exquished, Ted. In this, in his presidential address before the society of a psychical research, he summed up his conclusion after six years of research, quote, there are unknown faculties in man belonging to the spirit. There is such a thing as the double thought can leave an imagine behind. Sorry, thought can leave an image behind. Psychical currents traverse the atmosphere. We live in the midst of an invisible world. The faculties of the soul survive the diss,

disaggregation of the corporeal organism. There are haunted houses, exceptionally and rare, the dead do manifest. There can be no doubt that such manifestations occur. Telepathy exists just as much between the dead and the living as between the living. That's pretty, pretty bold. So he's on it. Like this is a guy we should be listening to. Well, there's some stuff that, I mean, it sounds like he's sniffing around some things that this is a guy we should be listening to. Los Angeles Herald, May 7th. What? Nothing. Keep going. Los Angeles Herald, May 7th, 1905. Certain Mars is inhabited. Camille Flamarion goes into details. That's hilarious. Camille Flamarion, the eminent French astrologer, has placed himself squarely on the record as a believer in inhabited

Mars. Quote, I have been studying that planet closely for 30 years. Very closely. And I am certain it is inhabited and probably by people much more advanced than we are. For the French guy, they're smarter in the sky. Trust me, they couldn't be stupid there. The year in Mars is twice as long as ours. It consists of 730 days. With regard to the inhabitants, I think they are very light in weight. For instance, can I play what's on Mars next? Francis of a man who weighs 140 pounds on earth could suddenly be transported to Mars. He would weigh only 52 pounds. Listen, try to prove me wrong. I can't. We know the length of the day on Mars to be a hundredth of a part of a second. The length of a day on Mars is a hundredth of

a part of a second. That's what he thinks. So these days are just... He didn't say I think. He said we know. We know. That's right. The climate of Mars is very mild. Lovely. Can we get the five day? There are no gales and the atmosphere is very light with scarcely any clouds. The inhabitants enjoy fine weather. The climate being... I like how you wrote a pamphlet for Mars. Come to Mars. I daresay the Martians try to communicate with us. Jesus. I mean, how much can he think he knows about Mars? I daresay the Martians try to communicate with us hundreds of thousands of years ago. The Martians may have tried again a thousand years ago and never having obtained a response. We never called back. Concluded the earth was uninhabited.

We should have picked up. Goddamn. Yeah. Talk about the phone call you wish you had back. Oh, why do we let it ring? We could be half our body weight. And you said, no, we're eating dinner. So no, we go with the comeback, the comeback. A letter to the editor from Nicholas Tesla, New York Times. Dear Psycho. May 23rd, 1909. Dear editor, of all the evidence of narrow-mindedness and folly, I know of no greater than the stupid belief that this little planet is signaled out to be the seat of life and that all other heavenly bodies are fiery masses or lumps of ice. Most certainly some planets are not inhabited, but others are. And among these,

there must exist life under all conditions and phases. The force of gravitation on Mars is only two thirds that of earth. Hence, all mechanical problems must have been much easier to solve. There are many reasons why intellectual life should have been on that planet. To be sure, we have no absolute proof that Mars is inhabited. The whole arrangement of the so-called water rays as pictured by Lowell. So there's a guy who thought he saw waterways on Mars. Of course. Would seem to have been designed. Personally, I base my faith on the feeble planetary electrical disturbances, which I discovered in the summer of 1899, in which, according to my investigators, could not have been originated from the sun, the moon, or Venus. Further study

the sense has satisfied me that they must have come from Mars. The scheme of signaling by rays of light is old and has been often discussed perhaps by more than eloquent and picturesque Frenchman Camille Flammerion than anybody else. But there is one method of putting ourselves in touch with other planets, though not an easy of execution. It is simple and principle. The apparatus is known as my wireless transmitter. So he wanted to talk to Mars. And he he is another guy that gives credit to Camille Flammerion. Yeah. Camille Flammerion was also a science fiction writer in an 1873. Yeah, we just heard one of his stories. He published a lamin consisting of a series of dialogues between a man and a disembodied alien spirit, which is free to the

Rome the universe at will and includes observations about the implications of the finite velocity of light. Sounds like a good book. Yeah, yeah, a real good read. In 1893, a mega guy talking to a dead alien. And in 1893, a mega the last days of the world was published about a comet colliding with the earth 400 years from now, followed by seven million years leading up to the gradual death of the planet. Interesting. Well, New York Times, February 9, 1910, headline, Comet's poisonous tail. Astronomers at the Harvard Observatory have not yet made a photographic spectrum of Haley's comet, which is rapidly approaching earth, but a telegram received there today from the Yerkes Observatory states that the spectrum analysis of the comet obtained

by the director and his assistant shows very prominent cyanogen bands. Cyanogen is a very deadly poison. A grain of it touched the tongue is sufficient enough to cause instant death. The fact that cyanide is present has been communicated to Chamele Flammarion and other astronomers and is causing much discussion as to the probable effects of the earth should it pass through the comet's tail. Professor Flammarion is of the of the opinion that the cyanide gas when it pregnant the atmosphere and possibly snuff out all life on the planet. Most astronomers do not agree with Flammarion and believe the comet would be repelled by the mass of the earth or the cyanide gas would decompose and be quite harmless. So we have

chicken little and then the others. Yeah. But so how why is he why is he respected? He just is. Yeah. And so then he can just say the craziest shit and even then people will be like well he's a little far off but no there's no point there's merit in what he says. I mean the Mars stuff is pretty spot on. Yeah well look we all know that Martians weigh half of what we weigh and they love clear nice weather. Professor Edmund Booth one of the best known experts on spectrum analysis this declared that if a sufficiently quantity of cyanide gas observed in the tail of the comet by Clameo Flammarion unites with the hydrogen in the atmosphere the results will be fatal

and the lives of the inhabitants of the earth will be snuffed out. But they're but they have no right I mean there's just no rhyme or reason they're just saying that there's like it's got a cyanide tail. Oh I don't know I think they might have been able to tell with the spectrum analysis stuff. Okay so there is there is a connection to reality there but then they're just predicting the union of cyanide and hydrogen. God damn it. The deadly gas known as hydrocyanic acid the most deadly poison is known to science said Professor Booth. Cyanide itself is deadly but with hydrogen forms a gas which means death for man and other animals. February 9th 1910 New York Times. No danger from Comet. Michigan astronomer says there'll be not enough poison to kill an insect. Professor Hussie

astronomer of the University of Michigan today ridiculed the idea that life is in danger when the earth passes through the tail of Haley's Comet. All comets are the same in chemical nature the earth has passed through comet tails before and no bad effects have been felt. There cannot be any possible danger you will find 50 times more gas in a chemical laboratory. Well this guy sounds cuckoo. Tacoma times headline Comet may kill all life on earth. Jesus. New York Tribune Comet's cyanide San Francisco call Comet may hasten resurrection day. Oh that one makes sense. The Seattle Star warning Haley's Comet will get you if you don't watch out. That's a little weird. That's not a good one. Don't take your eyes off it. The Paduca evening sun Comet may kill all life.

Comet fucked your parents. Meanwhile actual scientists assured the world that it was absolutely impossible for any harm to come to anyone or anything. Headline scientists taken over by evil comet makes him say things that aren't true. They fed this the facts as far and wide as much as possible in newspapers magazines pamphlets and word of mouth. Most people grasp the idea. Admin took advantage of the situation. When you're going to die in a comet fire what kind of smoke would you like to have? Shirt collars eyeglasses soaps perfumes throat laws and just printing services champagne bath powder coffee. What an unruly array of products ready for the comet companies and advertising firms concocted tie ins. Haley's Comet brightens the skies once in 75

years but every day the earth is brightened by Spalio. What? What is Spalio? I think it's a soda. Haley's Comet is supreme among celestial signs as Shem al-Nasim is delightful among delightful sense but while Haley's Comet is a fleeting visitor Shem al-Nasim as center of Arabia has come to stay. The worst. But while many didn't fear the comet at all others experienced intense an anxiety and dread. The reported presence of cyanide was enough to create terror in the minds of the ill-informed Fox Watchers. Fox News Watchers. May 18th was a day of dread for on that day the earth was too fast. I mean just imagine honestly you can just imagine Fox News' coverage being like well what will happen when we pass through the cyanide tail? What's Obama going to

do to stop the cyanide tail? I think Obama has really dropped the ball on this. I mean this comet is going to kill our babies. That's not far off from what it actually is. Yeah no. May 18th was the day of dread. For on that day the earth was to pass through the comet's tail. Spokane Press. February 10th. Haley's Comet will bring terror to the uncivilized. More. Keep feeding me. Oh god. The San Francisco Call of February 20th, 1910. The announcement that the earth would probably plunge through the comet's tail sometime in May has recently been followed by another that the spectroscope has disclosed a characteristic band of cyanide in the light from the matter composing it. It only required the fertile imagination of Flammarion

to remember that this is the most poisonous substance known to set all of mankind in a flurry of fear. Yes. Warren, Minnesota, chef. I mean that's a guy. That's a paper. Anyway. The chef's paper. April 28th, 1910. In the worlds of that well-known science writer, Mr. Waldemar Kampuf. The earth will punch through the tail of Haley's Comet. What will happen? Nothing. The air we breathe is as dense as the iron in comparison with the thinness of the comet's tail. A cubic mile of it would be packed in a snuff box. That is why the atmosphere of the earth will not be affected on the night of May 18th. If a tail were denser than it is, this whisking of the earth might prove fatal. Suppose that the vapors composing the comet's tail were to combine with the nitrogen in our air,

it would be converted into dentist laughing gas. Mankind would dance deliriously happy to an anesthetic death. That's how I want to go. Most of these nightmares have been luridly dwelt upon by the imaginative Flammarion. No scientist of repute takes them very seriously. Uh, I still think Flammarion's got a point though. The pleasant point register May 11th, 1910. In a recent article by Waldemar Kampuf, it has been determined that there is probably sufficient nitrogen in the tail of Haley's Comet to combine with oxygen in the earth's atmosphere to perform laughing gas. No. No. No. That's not what he said. That's what he said. No, motherfuckers. If true, it means all the world will die of laughter when the long tail of the

comet sweeps over us. Oh, so it is a giant comic. If not, did I say comic? No, no, no. If not unlikely that in May we will, oh, I get it, laughing. Yeah, I tried. I tried. If not unlikely that in May, we will cackle merrily at every joke which is cracked or grow hysterical at the sight of everything even slightly unusual. And even that is like, like even that interpretation, which is wrong, is still, it's still got this specificity that is so ridiculous where it's like even an unusual image might make you die. It's just like, well, if you if you really analyze these things, the people who are saying that nothing is going to happen are talking way too scientifically. Yeah. And the guys who are saying we're all going to die are like, we'll die from

jokes. Yeah, the small. Yeah. They're the people who give the information, thankfully. I'm glad we got away from that system. On May the 5th in Messian, Ohio, Fred Bauer, a farmer, was held at the police station pending the arrival of an order of commitment to the state asylum. The immediate cause of Bauer's incarceration was his refusal to pay for large quantities of merchandise, which he had purchased. He declared it was useless to pay for them as in 15 days the world would be consumed by fire. Oh boy. Bowers declared that he as a mission from God to warn men that the end of the earth is approaching. Yep. Perfect. So you can do whatever you want. In San Bernardino on May 9th, Paul Hamilton, a sheepman and prospector, worried over the

coming comet. He became insane and crucified himself. Oh my god. Wait a second. All right. Hold the fucking phone. Couple things. Go. First of all, logistically, logistically, very difficult. How? Very difficult. You bang the feet, you get a hand and then what? Well, George, come bang my hand into this board. According to the mining man who arrived and found him, Hamilton nailed his feet. And his name's Hamilton. How did we not see this coming? Hamilton nailed his feet and one hand to the crude cross he had erected near his gold claim. He pleaded with his rescuers to let him remain in his spiked imprisonment, but they did not abide by it. Oh my god. If you're going to come on, let me stay. Please don't. No, no, no. Don't take

those out of my feet, please. This is a good idea. There's a comet coming. What are you going to do? It's me, Hammer and Hamilton. Just. Yeah. Just. I mean that. Okay. But that's like. That's crazy. It's crazy, but also like with the fucking the balls it takes to hammer your feet into it. Oh, I mean, I mean, yeah. Well, I mean, you've got some if there is Jesus looking down upon us, he was probably like, no, sir, my god. Oh, come on. Not like that. You've missed the whole book again. You've missed the whole point. Arizona Republican May 10th, May, sorry, May 10th, 19th. Jesus, sheep farmer found comet coming to murder. The Malipay mining company for the last year has been preparing quote,

comet proof rooms and is now ready to make reservations. Oh my god. We are doing the same thing over and over again. Rooms are are in cross cuts driven from the bottom of a 350 foot shaft and in solid rock 50 feet of soil overlays the ground which will act as a deadener of a direct strike of the comet while each room is connected by the air pipe to the main air pipe of the shaft. This pipe is filled one fourth of its length with a patented packing which purifies the air. Oh yeah. 20 feet of pipe is filled with concentrated dynamic fumes. This will counteract any poisonous gas no matter how bad it gets. Guests will be sealed in rooms by a two foot wall of cement. Oh man, you and the wife make a weekend of the comet apocalypse.

10 days provisions and water will be put in each room. The room will not be open until the comet is beyond the North Star. So just just to sum up, you go into the room. Sounds lovely. They cement you in with two feet of cement. Yeah, yeah. So you can't get out. No, no, no. What's happening? You can't get out. Yeah, yeah. But you have 10 days worth of food. And you go, okay. So you'll be fine. No charge will be made for the rooms. So what are they? But a sum will be demanded from sealing them. Oh, so it's just so it's the sealing fee that kills you. So how much is it going to be? We'll let you know. The rooms are the rooms are free. We'll let you know on the way out. But if you want to survive,

it's going to be $1,500. We're going to put you in a tomb. And if you want to pay us the idea of getting cemented in, who would be like, this sounds perfect. Great idea. This is better than than all the other options. I mean, I have 10 days worth of food. I've got no way of getting out. It's perfect. It's great. The people who submit me in are probably going to die. Oh, right. Right. Yeah. So there doesn't everyone has to be cemented in. Well, but somebody who's going to there has to be a person at the end who's dead from who's going to be well, who's going to do the last cementing. And that person will die from the comet. So then you can't get unless he cements himself in. But then how is he going to get anyone out? We could he might have the tools

to uns cement. This is what you need to do. If you're rebuilding this comet bunker, you need to give people they need to have their own way of getting out of the cement when they choose. Here's what I like. And that feel kill you. I like the idea of a guy cementing everyone in in two guys. And then the one guy smits the other guy. And he goes, okay, now it's my turn. And he smits himself in. And then he goes, oh, fuck, shit. Wait, wait, shit. Oh, there's a problem with the plan. Hey, guys, guys, can you hear me guys yet? Can you by the way, I only have two days worth of food and mine at a special meeting of the Chicago General Committee for the reception of Haley's Comet. Professor Graham Taylor read a report from Oxford Professor Turner,

stating that if people wish to bottle some of the air on the night of May 18th, they could hand a part of the comet down to their grandchildren. On behalf of the committee, the treasure was directed to buy 50 dozen bottles of champagne for May 18th. After the champagne was finished, the bottles were filled with Haley's best record to take a souvenir. Here you go, Jimmy. It's an empty bottle of champagne. Happy birthday, kid. It was in a room in Chicago. There you go. This was in a room in Chicago. I drank that champagne for Haley's and now it's yours. Okay. On the night of May, I think this right 16th passengers in a crowded northbound eighth Avenue trolley car in New York

were all convinced that the tail of Haley's Comet had sideswiped the earth. As the car was passing through Columbus Circle, the roof broke with a crash and every pane of glass shattered. It's a comet exclaimed a woman passenger. We're the best. Just all it takes is one dumbass to say it quick. The same idea possessed all the others, a passenger. I was just going to say it was a comet. There was a rush for the doors. The Comet's coming to strangle us. No, it's hitting the top of the... I should have got cemented in early. What actually happened was that employees of a motor car company were testing a new cooling

fan for automobiles when one of the fan blades got loose and flew through an open fifth floor window. The blade weighing about 20 pounds was turning 1000 revolutions a minute when it broke off. The piece of metal went up at least 600 feet before starting downward. And they're worried about a comet. The large hub end of the blade struck in the roof of the car. The blade piercing through. The shock broke every window of the car. Glass flew in all directions, but no one was hurt. The Comet! It was definitely a comet. I saw it. I saw the comet. It had a big sword arm in it. It had an arm with a sword and it cut the roof off the car. Snake oil salesmen and swindlers looking to make a fast buck were also very common at this time. Many people purchased gas masks.

Some crooks sold anti-syanide comet pills for one dollar a pill, which were actually made of a harmless combination of sugar and quinine. This they were told would help them withstand the gases of the comet's tail. It is the same shit different day. Comet pills May 16th. Whatever really comet may do or not do to this earth, the Negroes of Port-au-Prince and Haiti are prepared because they are taking comet pills. All are rushing pell mail to the hut of a shrewd old voodoo doctor just outside the city who is selling comet pills as fast as he can make them. The prescription is one pill every hour. Up to the time the comet recedes from the earth, but many of the patients make doubly sure by taking one pill every half hour. The comet doctor guards his formula

closely and is growing rich fast. I love that. I love that now. But we like black people when we need a crazy medicine. Outside of that they're not humans. But when you need a pill to survive a comet tail, you want to go voodoo. The day of the comet arrives May 18th, 1910. George Washington for two bits down and two bits a week would ensure his fellow black people against any damage from Haley's comet. In his $300 insurance policy, he agreed to pay the beneficiary the money, provided the insurance, provided the insured dies as a result of Haley's comet. The clause, quote, no damage for a fright alone was added to a white friend, George confided that he was pretty sure of success. And this is a quote from a paper. So get ready. This is in a paper, a newspaper.

But I mean, we've already heard some crazy shit. So I got to get ready for this. This is how this is how it is actually written. If that comet hit this old earth, reckons I'll go wide to rest and won't have to pay any claims. Of course, I'm not going to pay anything unless something happens. Oh, my God. We're terrible, terrible. This is just we're horrific. The idea that this is all focused on a comet. We're all all this badness. In Seattle, eight men had difficult time. Oh, good craze with fear that the comet would demolish the earth and annihilate them. Six men were brought to the county jail on May 18th and booked us insane. There was no question in the mind of J. L. Rogers that they were insane

after they had described to him the calamities. The comet was to cause one man, an old time prospector, thought the comet would wipe out a valuable gold mine he located. That's coming. I'll tell you one thing. That comet's coming here to take my gold. The comet's coming here to take my gold. And my mule. You take my gold, my mule. I'm coming into the jail with my mule. Move, move. Another man thought the comet killed King Edward. Oh, I'm sorry. My friend thinks he's stealing the gold. It's quite crazy. You see, he killed King Edward. He said King Edward was a friend of his. He was grieved at the death of the king. But what upset him the most was that the comet set fire to a letter that King

Edward had written him. Yeah, you know how malicious that comet can be. And he asked for the jailers to help him look for pieces of it. Okay, please, open these doors. I need to find my letter that the common bird from King Edward. In Walla Walla, Washington, Peter Augusta, a French shepherd, was put in a padded cell in the city jail suspected of being insane as a result of worry over the approach of Haley's comet. Augusta talked incessantly in French about the comet and showed every evidence of terror on account of its approach. United Press least wire. Oh, boy. Alley in Oklahoma. Because Henry Heinemann, leader of a band of religious fanatics, wanted to sacrifice his 16 year old stepdaughter, Jane Warfield, all right to save. I'm good.

To save the world from the comet. Let me kill my daughter. Come on. There's only one way to stop this goddamn thing. And that's to shut this fucking loudmouth girl up. Oh, well, honey, I got good news, bad news. Good news. I figured out how to stop the comet. Yeah, we're gonna shut her down. Bad news is we have to kill our first born. Yeah, she's a loud one. You know how erratic comments can be. It's his stepdaughter. Oh, God. He's supposed to kill his stepdaughter. So it is totally fucked up. And then after, after the comet leaves, their relationship was awkward. Well, I have egg on my face. My word. I would still like it if you would respect me and listen

to me. I still think I now listen, I get a week or two of being upset about this. But after that, I don't think we bring up the sacrificing of the stepdaughter to the comet anymore. Okay. Mob violence is feared today. Hyman was arrested and is under guard at the county jail. Hyman was a leader of a band of 40 religious fanatics known as the select followers. They declared the coming of the comet was the vengeance of the Lord against the world. And only a human sacrifice would prevent aggrieved. Oh, God. Like who? It just sounds like cocaine had a theory. Like how do you even get that far? And then others are like, got it. All right, I will stand behind you on this. Makes sense. You make a lot of sense, brother. Plans for the

offering were made. Hyman and his followers were preparing to take the girl's life when sheriff Hughes and a positive six men arrived. Oh, shit. Here's just as the sacrifices being prepared. People of Alene were roused. The threatened atrocity and a demonstration against Hyman and his fanatics follower followed threats of lynching have been made. The select followers who believe that sin has passed them and that they can handle serpents and drink poison that ill effects came into the neighborhood two years ago. It has been learned that many of them burn much of their personal belongings because the world was to end with the comet's tail. But wait, they could drink poison. So what the fuck are they worried about?

Okay, so that's problematic. It's weird that these guys don't have solid thinking. But it's like the first question you'd ask. Well, but you got to step back. Did anyone see this properly? And why are you trying to talk to them about the logic of, hey, but you're worried about poisoning from the from the tail and you actually can drink poison. You got to step back and go there want to sacrifice a human look off on their thinking. So well, and maybe they just had like a human burning a hole in their pocket kind of they're like, we got to sacrifice for something. Maybe the 16 year old was just the worst in New York in little Italy, a practical joker threw 400 Italians into a panic by sending up a fire balloon. It was seen descending upon the

Italian quarter prepared for the end of the world. As the balloon near the earth it exploded and the Italians threw themselves on the ground. Too frightened to even pray. After waiting a reasonable time for death they arose with mixed emotions. Religious processions and pilgrimage to various churches were in evidence around parts of the city. Between eight and nine o'clock, hundreds of people gathered at the corner of Mulberry and Broome streets in New York City gazing at the heavens. Suddenly someone saw a large bright light descending and shouted a warning. A serious panic then ensued. Police reserves were called out from the Mulberry street station to calm the crowd. Wait, what were they freaking out over? This is still about the balloon.

Okay. The frightened men and women were driven into their houses shouting while they watched the descent of the strange light. So wait, so what it's just basically like a balloon that was on fire? There's a toy balloon with firecrackers attached to it. Knowing that many people were expecting strange events resulting from the earth passing through the comet's tail, HC Bone of Roseville, New Jersey staged his own practical joke. He assembled the balloon, some sodium, and a time fuse and a stick of dynamite. Oh wow. Launched from a vacant field south of the town, the apparatus worked perfectly, rising up to 4,000 feet and exploding with a terrifying roar. The explosion was heard for miles. The dynamite ignited the sodium which

fell blazing to the earth. Midnight comet watchers were thrown into a state of terror. Pandemonium resulted and it was many hours before the fear of some was elated. That guy is awesome. He's awesome because it's also a guy who's not taking it very seriously, which is nice to hear. Yeah. And you see other people take it seriously. Oh yeah. This is going to be the greatest practical joke ever. In Fort Collins, Colorado, Russian and Mexican laborers stopped working and spent days in prayer firmly believing that the end of the world was at hand. They refused to allow their children to attend school and the churches were filled. In Denver, many of the foreign miners employed on the day shifts at the Leadville and Cripple Creek coal mines stayed underground

all night on the 18th. Yeah, because that's where you want to be. Yeah, that's the smart place to be for a fucking comet hit. Go down, go down deep into the earth. For 10 days in El Paso, Texas, hundreds of Mexicans from villages along the border gathered around crosses erected on hills, waiting the appearance of the fiery comet they believed was coming to destroy the world. The Mexicans sought to avert the catastrophe of music, incantations and other ceremonies. They spent the days and nights in prayer. After the comet passed without catastrophe, gloom gave way to joy and dancing and feasting replaced the religious ceremonies. It sounds like they think the comet is like the goo in Ghostbusters too.

Which is a deep bench reference, but if you get it. In San Francisco, San Diego Palace and Manuel Baldel got into a fight as they were waiting to view the comet. Palace, who was a barber, said that Baldel started the battle with a blow from a broken bottle. Palace then knocked Baldel down with the stock of his gun and then stabbed Baldel with a pocket knife. Jesus. Both men were committed to the city prison, where they revealed the fight was over the length of the comet's tail. Oh my God. What the fuck? What? You stabbed a man. A man got stabbed for an argument over the length of this fucking tail.

Stephen Eric Conner, 40 years old, tried to kill himself. Why? Just fuck up. 17 stitches were needed to sew up a gashy maiden's throat. I tried to die because the world is coming to an end. The comet is going to strike us, he said. Jesus Christ. In Covina, California, Charles Gasberg attempted suicide in the morning, saying the comet is sure to burn up the earth and I don't want to die that way. He then threw himself in front of a fast-moving passenger train and was thrown 50 feet.

Okay, you put those two down on paper. I want Comet. Newspapers said Gasberg was expected to recover. Jumped in front of a fucking train. I want to go with some dignity. Now excuse me while I pancake myself. Headline, Comet made him a raving maniac. Somerville, New Jersey. James Klein, a negro being held now as an insane prisoner, became a raving maniac for several days. In the early morning, Klein, clad in white, loomed up out of the fog, running and shouting that his mother-in-law and the tail of the comet were chasing him.

Boy, this is... I mean, what is... It's mother-in-law. Why is he even... There's just a lot of questions. Maybe it's just worth not asking them. They're both bad. They try to kill me. You know how mother-in-law is relentless. Well, that's like the comet. As the officer shouted after him, Klein stopped and began to pray. He has gone through the negro colony warning others to pay for the end of the world. The negro colony. Jesus, this country. In Codwood, Alabama, W.J. Lord, a prominent farmer and leader of the Christian science

sect, made suicide attempts. His very Christian. His mind was said to be frenzied over Haley's comet, and believing he was a sinner, he tried to shoot himself. But what is that going to do? He's still sinned. Well, but he was unsuccessful. And so then he jumped off a roof and fell on his head, knocking at his teeth. And? Wasn't successful. Jesus Christ. He then cut his throat. But I mean, and that didn't work. What the fuck? So he's just like, and he jumped into a well. He made it through all that. And he lived. So he's like the sea story in a movie. He's, yeah, he's like Molloy, the guy from the. Yeah. Yeah. He's very, except Molloy was like bulletproof just because this guy just doesn't know how to kill himself.

Well, he's trusting. His plans aren't horrible. I mean, they're not horrible. He shot himself. He jumped off a building. He tried to jump in a well. Like he's, he's good plans. He jumped in a well. That's the weakest one. He cut his own throat and was like, well, to the well. As Don arrived on May 20th, 1910, the world had not ended. The chanute to Kansas Times, May 20th, 1910, really would a lot of worry and bother over nothing. Haley's Comet is coming gone and we are still here. This weird celestial visitor was not so unfriendly as many had anticipated. With the gentle flirt of its impunet tail,

it's spurned the weary old earth and left it rolling along its path around the sun and apparently as good a condition as before. The comet is now beyond the point where it could harm us even if it wanted to. Well, because it has a motion because it's a thing with arms. And there was no indication any time that it entertained anything other than the best of feeling towards us. No, again, what the fuck? It's a rock. I saw it wink. Yeah. I saw it wink and give a little hello. How are you? You heard it say hello too, right? Like you guys. You're my best friends. See you in 60 more years. But it certainly was a rare experience. It is not recorded that the human family ever underwent just this experience before before.

Doubtless the earth has passed through comet's tails, but that must have been thousands of years ago. No. Thanks, scientists. We were forewarned and we're prepared for only a harmless phenomenon. Yeah. Thanks, science for this. Thank you, science. The scientists, however, were divided as to what sort of heavenly manifestations might be expected. Some said there would be nothing. And others went to the extreme of saying that the earth would be enveloped with a luminous gas of such brilliancy as to blind all living things. Oh, I didn't hear about that. Yeah. I mean, because it doesn't super bright. It didn't even need to be said by anyone because you knew it had been. Sure. So you could just be like, yeah, there's some people who think it makes lizards blind. So close

your eyes. Okay. The comet's coming. That's close your eyes. It was even darkly hinted that people of the earth would die holding their sides in shrieks of laughter because of the presence of laughing gas in the comet's tail. It is a relief to know that Haley's comet notwithstanding the harmlessness of its visit is outward bound and that it will not return again during the lifetime of most of the people now on earth. So we can do this whole crazy thing again. Yep. Prattle, as we may, about our confidence in astronomical science, its approach put a bit of a strain on the nerves. Yeah. A dude crucified himself. There have been anyone alive who actually met a comet's tail and survived. It would have been reassuring as it was. We had to

take the scientist's word for it. And well, science has been known to make mistakes. However, here we are safe and sound with a clear track ahead and no other comets to fear for some time to come. Haley's comet will not return to earth until July 28, 2061. Am I going to make it, Dave? I don't know. Probably not. But this reminds me of when I was... Y2K? Yeah. Yeah. It's got Y2K written all over it. Y2K, which my dad bought cases of Dinty Moore stew. Yeah. By the way, I love how your dad is planning to just get bad diarrhea when the apocalypse comes. Just getting dinty canned stew. It is. It's Y2K. Yeah. No. I mean, because... Oh, fuck. And that's what's so fucking obnoxious is that we just, we don't, we don't learn. We don't learn. We don't learn. We

never learn. It's always the same shit. It's just a different version. Yeah. But yeah, it totally is Y2K. It never stops. No. And it never will. No. Because yeah, that was insane. And then literally nothing happened. No, nothing happened. Nothing happened. No, what happened was a bunch of people missed looking at this really cool thing in the sky. That would be great to see. Yeah. Yeah. Because they were too busy finding nails for their feet. And spending the night in a mine. Yes, but concreted in. I mean, that ended, people probably, people probably were trapped in this underground comet cave. And then they get him out. So is everybody dead? Nothing. No, actually, we hear it was really cool to look at. Oh my god, it was awesome. Oh. Super

red and everyone was like, people, it was pretty great. My wife cut her own throat in there. Oh, so that's $5,000. There's a fee for that? You have to get out. Well, also to take her body out. God damn comet. Fuck the comet. Fuckin' god damn comet. Probably Mark Twain was born when he was comet was passing through. Well, a lot of people died when he was comet was passing through. That's because a lot of people I know, scientists I know, say that the comet is Mark Twain's dad. And it just dropped him off for a little while, and then it picked him up. I'm not sure you know what a scientist is. Yeah. No, they're the people who speak with a French accent and shout crazy shit. Fair. Yeah. So

my scientist friends. Fair. Fair enough. That's you're telling me Haley's comet wrote Huckleberry Finn? That's correct. Whoa. Science, hashtag science. There'll be more. We'll talk more. Yeah. Well, there you go. Good. We've learned. We learned a little bit about people. Yep. Especially Americans. Yep. Not good. Yep. As usual. Well, the Negro colonies will stick with you. Jesus.