The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 642 - The Carlin Party

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

Comedians Gareth Reynolds and Dave Anthony examine early colonist Anne Hutchinson Tour Dates Redbubble Merch Sources   Squarespace  Helix Sleep

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When you're ready to launch go to squarespace.com stress dollop to save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain. You're listening to The Dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. This This is an American history podcast where each week I Dave Anthony Labradoodle daddy man who owns memory cards memory guy who has a batting cage in the backyard Dave Anthony reads a story from American history to a human. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea

what the topic is going to be about. I am a human. May I suggest Labradaddy? Just easier. You need to stop combining words, it's upsetting people. No it's not, people think it's great. A coefficienter? If you were reading.

The record speaks for itself. Conficienter? By the way.. The record speaks for itself. Coefficienter? By the way. I'm the author of coefficienter. July 20. Oh, by the way, this is a Read-Alla. A famous not recorded one.

Where was this? This is in Salt Lake City. OK. Oh, shit. Those are always nuts. I set up the record. It was a good show. I set up the recording and plugged it in, and then

someone turned it off. OK. Go to sleep. Okay. Okay. July 26, 1866, year of our Lord, Jaytown. Okay. I feel like this is going to be... You know, kind of like if Jaytown came back, he'd have hair like yours. Stop.

You're being sweet. William Carlin. You're all cute on me. William Carlin was born at- William Carlet? Carlin. Carlin. Was born at Fort Yates. All right.

Which is in North Dakota. Sure. Everybody loves. His father was General- You got a great governor. His father was General William- I don't know who that was. Who was that? That's Trump.

Oh. His father was General William- Ad banger. Is that was, who was that? That's Trump. Oh. His father was General William. Ad banger. Is that better? Yeah, a little bit. I get that. Yeah. Ad lovely banger.

His father was General William. Can we make Trump jokes anymore? Yeah, no, there's no... Yes. Nothing has changed. His ear hurts. Like, that's all that happened. Isn't it just absolutely crazy though?

The reason why it was so conspiratorial immediately after was because people were like, this guy can't be that lucky. Because it wasn't a bullet, it was the glass. Was it? Yeah, that's what they think. I read some of that, but then it's like- That's what the Secret Service said. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so. Well. And obviously, I don't know if we should trust that at this point. Yeah, I was just going to say, that's what's so amazing about right now is you're just like, I don't think I have convictions anywhere. There's nothing I'm sure about. Is Trump even real? That's how fascism works.

They make you not believe in anything. Well, I'm a nihilist. Yeah. So his father, General William P. Carlin, Carlin went to West Point. He went on a lot of exploring and hunting trips in the Northwest and was a naturalist on expeditions in Idaho and British Columbia.

Sure. So he's an exploring man. He's like you out in the wilderness. Yeah, I was in Idaho. I was doing the same thing. I explored a lot. I found their target. Those Albertsons.

I found a bunch of their little stuff. I think I'm the first guy to find their Albertson's. Yeah, were you the only person in the store? No, no, I was fully staffed. And it was also when, while I was in there, I found like a CVS attached to it, or a save on or something. I mean, I was the-

Were there other customers? Yeah, yeah, there's, of course, yeah. So you weren't the first person to find the... I think I was the first person who charted it. Oh. I charted the whole thing. Charted? I set traps. I charted in there. You did chart?

Yeah. I set traps. I mean, I wish there was a way... To go there with me? For me to leave this. If I could leave... Why? I mean, it's my house, but... I'd love for you to leave your house. Yeah. I For me to leave this. If I could leave, I mean it's my house, but. I'd love for you to leave your house. I dare you to leave your house. I dare you.

That's a new show I pitched to HGTV. I dare you to leave your house. So when he is 27, Carlin planned a hunting trip in the Bitter Root Mountains with a friend Abe Himmelright and brother-in-law John Pierce. So they all lived in New York and Abe was a civil engineer who spent time in the wilderness as a railroad surveyor. He was also a very good shooter. And Pierce was 20.

He had just gotten over malaria. Nice. He knew a bit about medicine because his father was a doctor. So you know how if you can't afford a doctor, you go to the doctor's son. Is that? No, that's OK.

I think it's coming. I was just going to say. I was just going to say. A friend of Carlin's sent him two terrier dogs for hunting. Take these. Yeah, take the dog. On September 15th, they arrive in Spokane, Washington. Martin Spencer was the guide.

He was 27. The cook was George Colgate, not of the Colgate food paste. This wasn't Salt Lake. This was Boise. Oh, this is Boise. Holy shit. I remember Colgate. Oh yeah. Because this guy's... It's gonna be fun. Colgate was bringing his spaniel named Daisy. Sure. I mean, I don't know, the only reason to bring a dog on an expedition in the 1800s

is to be like, we'll eat it before the horses. 100%. Or just a leg. Yeah. Oh, that's fucking dark as shit. What? You take a piece at a time. Cook it. Oh. By the way, there's not a lot of people who are really upset about my post on Twitter of the dog. And it's not me. It's not a picture of me. I found it online. Everybody calm down.

That made me laugh so hard. That made me laugh so hard. That made me laugh harder than that guy is when a dog's looking at you. That is like, how does that not get your account locked? That's what's crazy. It's like, I had something the other day where they were like, we're lacking your account. I was like, what? Oh, you did? Oh, yeah, you did.

But you post that. It gets a picture of a dog. Well, because Ken Klippenstein was like, look, if you post a picture of a dog, I'm liking it. I have to favorite it. I'll smash that like button no matter what. So I put up the most horrible picture of a dog, I'm liking it. I have to favorite it. I'll smash that like button no matter what. So I put up the most horrible picture of a dog you could ever put up. I don't even think it's fair to call it a picture of a dog. No, it's a penis with the dog behind it.

Tremendous stuff. Back to the story. So they arrive in Spokane. George Colgate is the cook. He has his dog Daisy. They arrive in Spokane. George Colgate is the cook. He has his dog, Daisy. Weather reports forecast an early winter. Look, if I ever bring up the weather on this podcast,

you know it's bad. Yeah. Oh, yeah, if they're snowed in, they would have to wait until spring to get out. So it's already been a very wet summer, which worried the guy, Spencer, quite a bit. Carlin has been concerned upon seeing Colgate. He's 52.

They had used him on previous trips. He's very fun. He told jokes. He played the harmonica, everything you want out of a cook. That's classic cook stuff. But now he was quiet and he was tired and he doesn't look good. Where's your harmonica? I don't bring that no more.

I just make noises, but they're more crying noises. OK. I play the weep. All right. Woo. Don't play that one. Woo. So Carlin is like, well, what's up with your health?

And Colgate said he's good, and his doctor recommended that he actually go on a journey out in the wild. That's how you know he's lying. Yeah. Because no doctor would be like, that would be a good thing. You should go out in the mountains for a few months. Healthy or unhealthy, no doctor would be like, you know what would be good for you? Go on an expedition through the cold. You know, the things people die on all the time. You know what I think would be good for you? Go on an expedition through the cold. You know, the things people die on all the time.

You know what I think would be good for you? Go on a long walk up a cold mountain. Spend your fall doing that. Maybe eat your dog. You bring your dog too. You're gonna need meat. Carlin said, well, can I talk to your doctor? And Colgate said he'd set it up.

Carlin forgot to talk to the doctor. That's a problem. Lift it up. I think it's one of those things though, where it's like, if someone's like, you know what I mean? I've had that where someone will be like, here are my references, and I'm like,

yeah, whatever. You got some, so that's pretty good evidence. You gave me a list of people. It's pretty good. You're not full of shit. Look at this. Six names? I don't have time to call these people. So the trip was supposed to be five weeks. They were...

Go by train to Kendrick, Idaho, and then from there it would begin. Okay. So locals said the weather had been terrible in Kenrick. They said it's been nonstop rain, it's been cold. Quote, damn cold. The group discussed Colgate and offered him a month's wages if he went home. They're like, this guy looks terrible.

Wow. Let's just give him money to go home. Colgate said no. He said he's in great shape. I would just take that. I'd be like, oh look, all right. Maybe because he didn't take the money, they're like, well, he's got to be fine. He's not taking the money.

On September 18th, they left. Just drizzling a little bit. They had five weeks of provisions and 10 horses, which is another five weeks of provisions. After the first night, they had no more meat because they were going to hunt for it after that. After the first night? Yeah, they only brought it up for one night because they're going to hunt. They just hunt the meat.

It doesn't seem like much of a buffer. The whole area is like a fridge. Uh-huh. It rains. They came across a rancher who took one look at them. Meat! And said, quote, This is no time for a tenderfoot to be heading into the bitter roots. Which is what people would say to you. What does that mean?

You rolled in. I heard that at the Albertsons.. I heard that at the Albertsons. You did hear that at the Albertsons? Yeah. People are like, hey, nobody's made it to the save on around here. And I was like, I'll do it. They're like, you're all the way in the electronic check out. Save on's a lifetime away, boy.

And I made it. You did make it. Yeah. Like I said, I set a lot of traps. I mean, I don't believe you. I don't at all believe you. Did you catch any beavers? What did you catch?

I caught some prilosex, and they had my kombucha, and from the organic area, just some vegetables. It was a different time This was crazy back then It started snowing yes exactly on day three Colgate was very quiet while he was making breakfast Which we said we said he's not normal. I like was always fun. I'm playing the harmonica He sure is quiet good. I don't even talk to me too much. After moving slow. Okay. So, he's making breakfast after taking a long time to get up.

So, afterwards he goes into the trees and he's gone for a while. Isn't that great? He says he's fine. He's like, I'm fine. I just was out in the trees for getting some fresh air or whatever. Sure. Get away from the fresh air to get some fresh air. Sure. Okay.

Just stomach cramps, he said. Well, okay. Right there, not fine. So there's something's going on. I'm just a guy with... Who doesn't have stomach cramps? Something's going on. He had a hard time getting on his horse that morning. At the end of the day, they had to help him off his horse horse and he was in so much pain spent trying to cook that night

Okay, so now it's just an extra mouth day three turn it around and now he's just an extra mouth Yeah Now if you're cook if you have to help your cook off the horse on day three the trips Are you and he's in pain? Yeah, you go back and you get rid of him I mean how far away are they from where they were going? I mean three days They're three days in where they're going on another while. Yeah are they from where they were going? I mean, three days. They're three days in. Where they're going, I don't know.

They're a ways. Yeah, but from where they left. But they're three days. Yeah. It's one of those things where you're probably like, man, we should turn back. Yeah. Yeah, but all that time. Yeah.

I mean, how bad could it be? I'm fine. How bad could it be? I'm just going to go to the woods for a death think again. So now Colgate won't eat. Okay so the chef won't cook, the chef won't eat. And he was just sitting miserably on a log. Which is a lot like you. I've done that.

Yeah, I'm just gonna move that a little bit because you shipped it in the... I mean it's not a great setup. Well if people want to see the not great setup go to our Patreon. That's right. This is all being videotaped we have 17 cameras and we've got some good shit coming up for our patreon. Yeah, horn dogs. We've got it scheduled shut up. We're the bad boys. We forgot we dropped that. We're the bad boys of bank. After a brief hiatus. Bad boys of bank. So Colgate's just sitting miserably on a

log but the next morning, feels good. He's back to cooking, right back on track. This is my poo. Spencer considered sending Colgate back, but now he drops it, because in the morning he's fine. That day the trail was pretty hard. It was steep, it was dangerous, and that evening Colgate's on a lot of pain again. The thing about sick people is that they'll have moments of feeling okay.

So I'm gonna leave that alone. Carlin feels Colgate's forehead cold and clammy. Just how you want it. Yep. That's right. Thank God. You're freezing and sweaty. Just when we need you. Colgate's like, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Just stomach cramps. That's it. Carlin demands Colgate say what the problem is. He's like, you got to tell us, dude. Come on. And Pierce noted his skin had a strange sheen and was very tight. So he just looked good.

Yeah, maybe he's got a skin care retina. Yeah, he might, yeah. The guy finally starts taking care of his skin. He gets a keels program. And now he's sick. Now you're calling him sick when the guy's just. Oh, sorry, my skin looks good. It's tight.

Sorry, I found the right combination of face wash and moisturizer. Yeah, you realize how much people pay in Hollywood for this look? Yeah. I've had work done So Spencer's like we should turn back Carlin He likes Spencer respects him, but he's like we don't have to turn back unless it's absolutely

Necessary I'm fine. Look at this guy. I'm good. He's good in the morning bad in the night. What's fine? It's called sundowners. I could be the president. Colgate said he was okay, so they should believe him. Trust me. I just have cramps all the time and sometimes can't cook and go to the woods for long thinks. So Spencer goes, he might be lying, and then Carlin just flips out. He's like, Colgate can kill the entire trip.

And Spetscher's like, look, the farther in we go, the harder it is to get out with a sick guy. It's true. It's fine. It's not. It's fine. Where are you seeing any red flags? I think he's legitimately sick and thick.

And thick. I think he's nice and thick. But I think he's legitimately sick, sick and thick. And thick. I think he's nice and thick. I think he's legitimately sick. And he's right. The further you go in. I mean, it's just like, it's one of those things. It's like an injury. It's like, you can't walk off an ACL.

Take the time, get it right, then do your thing. I disagree. And I think if someone tried to walk off the ACL, they would learn that that's how you do it. There's no evidence that that's true. And broken bones. No. Nope.

The next morning, Colgate was up and cooking. Feels a lot better, Gary. I feel good. I'm having another comeback. They got over the ridge and headed down the river to their destination. There, there's hot springs. And in the hot springs springs they find four men.

I've had this exact Idaho experience. That's when the party's a bummer. Yes. It's not like walking to a hot spring and then you hear like, for sure! Totally. Like, shit. And you walk down and someone's like, exactly, dude.

For real. You're alone? You're like, you're alone? You're like, I was gonna listen to jazz. Old. Now you're gonna listen to Chad. Yeah. And that's like, there's like 18 hot springs and like three good ones and they're all in there

and you're like, I'll just sit in this one that you could boil chicken in. to sit in this one that you could boil chicken in. So two of these guys are Mountain Men, old Jerome Johnson, and younger Ben Keely. So those two guys are building a cabin for the winner. They're holing up in this valley. So the party, again, has to help Colgate off his horse. Now he can't stand, so they put him down on a log, which is what you his horse. Now he can't stand.

So they put him down on a log, which is what you do with a guy who can't stand. You put a guy. This is a problem. He's just a log sitter now. It's fine. No. It's fine.

The next morning. He's up and cooking? Cooking. He's up and cooking. How did you know that? So what is he doing in the night? He's just what? Resting enough? night? He's just what, resting enough? I guess he's just resting.

Yeah, he's resting enough. His body can't take all the moving around. But when you're laying down, he's fine. Sure. Our chef's good for breakfasts. That's right. Then he's a huge problem. He's a brekkie chef.

He's a breakfast chef. So they take a dip in the hot springs. Carlin sang and he yodeled, but that upset everybody. The next day, old Johnson tells them they should get out now while they could. Okay. And Spencer said they should listen to Johnson because he knew the mountains. Okay. They did not listen to old Johnson. Yep. So Carlin goes hunting and he shoots a buck. And Carlin and Abe killed a couple more the next day. Okay, great. Lots of meat. Yep. All was going as planned.

This is the whole trip, what the trip's about. Hiding and... I can't cook them. I can cook them in the morning. I can lay on it. Give me everything you need for the morning and I'll make it. But right now I'm gonna put my face in it and just lay there because it's cool. Uh-huh.

I'm having hot sweats. I'm freezing and sweating again. Jesus Christ Colgate. By the way, this is the story of the toothpaste. That's right. So Spencer's now getting worried about the rain. It wasn't stopping, so that's a problem. Since they were in the valley, that meant

it might be snowing higher up, which is where they got to get out. So he goes up and checks, over a foot of rain. Sorry, snow, over a foot of snow. Difficult, but they could get through that. Not all of them. But he's like, we should leave as soon as we can, because it's a foot of snow and it's only going to get worse.

Colgate can't. I'm in pain. Party did not like this news. They were like, what the fuck? Abe and Carlin said, it's the first week of October, and early snow means fuck all. It could still melt. That's why you brought a guide to argue with them.

So why do they not want to go up? They just are... They still want to hunt. Oh, okay. They want to keep their hunting trip going. I think they plan on being here for a while. But you brought a guide, and the guide's like, hey, we should leave, and then you're like,

fuck you, guide! Look, we like your opinions, but shut up. Listen to Colgate over here. Oh! Hey! It all hurts! Ow! What's everyone feeling for the morning?

Benedict! I could make some holidays out of the things that's coming out of my neck. So Carlin called Spencer too cautious, and Coldgate finally now comes clean about what's wrong with him. I'm dying. He said he can't pee. That's right. That's what I've been waiting for. comes clean about what's wrong with him. I'm dying. He said he can't pee. That's right.

That's what I've been waiting for. He had a large prostate and had been using catheters for 20 years. Dude, you have to be so fucking mad at that reveal. Furious. You're like, what? Absolutely fucking furious. I'm OK.

Yeah, and also, I mean, one of the reasons this was a live show is because just go look up catheters from the late 1800s. Oh, yeah, you brought a picture up. It's a giant metal nightmare device. It's crazy. It's like, it's like, it's like, is that from the Spanish Inquisition?

Yeah, it's awful. Yeah, it's terrible. Which is, I mean, ugh. So, OK, he was supposed to bring a catheter though, right? Yes. And he didn't. Let's get to that. He'd been using catheters for 20 years, but he'd left them at home thinking he could get through the trip.

That's just the craziest shit. That's just like, like that is, that is, that, that thinking is so fucked up. Yeah. I thought I'd wean myself off it, but I decided cold turkey. And so he's just sitting there just dying having to piss. Twenty years. Twenty years. And now he's like, ah.

I think, I think if anything, the catheters aren't helping me. I'm hooked on them. And his doctor over the 20 years had said if you do not have your catheter with you, it could kill you. Like you need your catheter. You see Colgate, pissing is really important. You gotta piss. I think I could sweat her out.

No, I think it's not a good idea. Piss has to come out of you. I feel. Colgate? I feel. Colgate. Like I could sweat her out. No, I think it's not a good idea. Piss has to come out of you. I feel... Colgate, you need a catheter to piss. You know what you don't have? Optimism. I think that in certain situations one needs medicine. You need a catheter Colgate.

Well, I think the mountain air combined with some buck meat out there. Don't do anything stupid like when you get out there say I said you should take this trip or something like that. Just take your catheter and stay home. I just heard you say I should take this trip. That's out of context. So now at this point back at home his wife has found the catheters, freaked out, sent her son Kendrick with the catheters- Ron boy, get your dad his pee sticks. So, he's-

A race against time. I think he's hoping he can get there before they go into the woods, but they've already gone into the forest So Pierce now questions Colgate. He's one with the dad who's a doctor He said and and Kenrick said well, I don't like catheters And he'd gotten away with not using one for a week or two before who said Colgate Colgate Okay, I don't like using them. Yeah, no shit. There's no shit. It's a dick hurt Yes, here's the alternative you will die from piss. I don't think so. You will piss die

I think I'll be alright. You're going to die from urine a couple times. I haven't used them for a week or two That's not it's no and I'm here. No and what happened in those couple weeks? It hurt bad. Yes, cuz piss needs to come out of you. Does it? Yes. That seems like... You need to piss. That just seems like an old wives tale.

It is not. It's a real wives tale. Do we believe doctors? These are young wives talking about... I don't... Yes, we do. You have tissue stopping piss from coming out of you. You need rods to go in your pee hole to break it up so that piss can come

out of you. Or you will die from piss. You will piss die. Where do you think the piss goes? Not how it works. No. No. That's how good that you're going to start filling up with piss? No. No. There we go. That's right. That's how good that you're gonna start filling up with piss? And then it will come out of the toe or whatever. No! Poke a hole in it? No. There we go. That's draining real nice.

Look at that. Boy, am I peeing. It's called a toe whiz, boys. So he was like, I've done this for one or two weeks. And Pierce was like, yeah, well, this trip is six weeks. And Colgate then sort of started crying and whispered he was sorry. I'm sorry.

What? There's no point where you're like, what? Buddy, you are 53. It does not work any way you think about it. I just put it. I just messed up. You know what? Looking back, I have one major regret.

What's that? I didn't bring the catheters. Yes, that's what we were talking about. Those are so important to keeping me going. Fuck me. What's everyone feeling like for breakfast, Omelette? It should be okay by then. The piss will have subsided for the morning as it does. Yeah, what does happen to piss at night?

Well, it just fucking finally calms down for about two hours. I'm still in pain, but I can move. Oh, cool. What are you thinking? Nothing. Scrammies? I'm thinking we have to put you... How about a vegetable scramble? I'm thinking we have to put you down.

Ah, don't worry. Like an animal. I'll piss eventually. No you won't. Well, when you die, it'll all just- Even then you won't pee, though. You know what? You're going to be one of those corpse that dies

and no pee comes out. Poo will come out. Maybe we do sunny side ups? Goodbye. So Pierce tells Carlin the toxins are gonna build up and his kidneys would then shut down and then he'd die. And Carlin's like, okay well let's keep an eye on him. Well I guess the only thing we can do is be aware of it. And he goes if they get if he gets, we'll bring him out.

Bring him out? Yeah, take him out on the horse, get him out of the forest back to town. Oh, take him all the way back? Yeah, if he gets worse. But he's already just been told, like, this guy's going to slowly die. Well, if anything bad happens or if there's any revelations, we'll turn around. Right, right, the bad thing happened. I guess we just move forward until we know more.

No, we know everything. The enemy right now is information. But we don't have a lot of that. We have all the information. Let's just plow through. We have all the information. Colgate, how about a tickle, my old boy? I can't.

Coochie, coochie, coochie. There we go. Who needs a harmonica when this guy's got high pitched screams? Listen to him. It's like if a trumpet were sick. So, Pierce thinks that Carlin's plan is weird because he just said Colgate was going to die. Yeah.

So they have a big group meeting. They get everyone together. Something to be aware of. And Pearson said, Pearson, Spencer,, we got to go back now. So the two, I mean, the guy that's an expert, and then the other guy is the son of a doctor. And so those guys, more expertise than anybody else, they're like, we should go.

And the other guys are like, nah, Abe said, take him out, but not now with all this rain and snow. Wait till that stops. And Carlin's like, that's a really good point. That's a really good point. Wait. Yes, we can't take him. The rain.

Wait till it's a nice sunny day. Wait until the weather clears. Just ignoring they could be snowed at any minute. But that's it. That's a... So the plan is to just keep moving. Yeah. So keep moving further away and then if there's a break, take it back.

No, they're staying in this valley. So they're waiting to see, so they're hunting, gathering, all that bullshit, and if there's a break in the weather, then maybe they'll take Colgate out. Right, right. Okay. It snows on October 7th and the 8th.

Does anyone know how to make catheters? So after it snows for two days, they're like, we should leave tomorrow. Okay. But it snows for two days, they're like, we should leave tomorrow. But it snows that day also. Next day for sure. Now they're going to leave the next day for sure. That morning Colgate was moaning in bed and covered in sweat.

Just how I like Colgate. I mean, Piss is just trying to escape his body by any means necessary. So he's probably sweating piss to some extent. Oh, yeah, totally. Abe, uh. He looks like he's in that Gatorade commercial. Abe said he could smell the poison coming out of him. That's a good whiff.

Yeah. Morning, boys. Holy shit, Colgate. You stink. That's crazy. You smell like death. I didn't know you could sweat piss. When Abe was a kid on a farm, he would shove an ice pick

into a cow if it was bloated to let gas out. But he thought about it and then realized that probably wouldn't work here. Well, it's just nice that it's in the conversation. Yeah, people are thinking about it. People are talking about stuff. And is in that one, he's talking about putting that up the cock, or he's just being like, maybe if I just poke it

in, your piss will come out. I think you have to poke him probably in the mid area somewhere. Of the two pitches? The funnier one. Like you do with a cow. Yep, just drain him. Where do you feel the piss, Colgate?

Let me stab there. All everywhere. All right, I'll just put a hole here. So now Colgate says he's not going on a return trip. And he told Abe he just wanted to wet his bed. That's all he wanted. He can't. He can't. He can't.

No, he left the things at home that would help him do that. So what's he? I just want to stay here and wet the bed so bad. His tent smelled like sickness. So it stops raining, and Colgate sits wrapped in a coat as they break down camp. And it took three men to get them on a horse. And they start up the mountain trail.

To decide you're going to die from piss. Yeah. The sky starts getting dark. The wind is blowing. It starts snowing. And then pretty soon they can't see each other. And Spencer loses the trail because he can't see the trail anymore.

And Colgate is in so much pain, he's holding his thighs off the horse by putting his hands around the saddle and lifting himself up. Which is like pummel-horsing essentially? So I guess that maybe it's his prostate that... The bouncing, whatever. Yeah, yeah, the bouncing and like... Maybe his prostate. Either way, it probably was...

We've driven great distances in our van. There are times where you're like I'm going to fucking explode from piss. Yeah, that is after two three hours Yeah, this guy's going on what day seven yeah, and he hasn't pissed hasn't pissed and he won't be able to no So Spencer's now lost Colgate slides off his horse and just sits in the snow. Just his head and shoulders are poking out and he said he's not going to move. Wow, so he's having a shining moment.

They tried to pick him up, but he told them to go away and he just started sobbing. They finally got him in his saddle and he was shrieking in pain the whole time they're putting him in. This has been a great trip. Could you? I mean, there are things I've regretted in life, but the regret is extra. Have you ever left your house and forgotten your phone?

You're like, this is not going to be living today. But just like, could you just bring them in case? Just bring one. In case. Just bring one. case spring one look okay You don't want to use case you overpack try not to use them, and then if you have to it's that It's so similar to my Albertsons thing The snow was four feet deep ahead and the horses would only make it three days and the trip would take eight days

So Spencer reminded them he had wanted to leave earlier. Now, sorry, you might have said this, are they trying to exit? Yeah. So they're done. Yeah, they're trying. So now it's just a matter of getting home. Yeah.

Okay. So Carlin's like, well, look, we're not gonna make it over the mountains, let's follow the river out. And Spencer's like, that's way too dangerous. Plus Colgate can't hear a river right now. Are you kidding me? But it'll float. It's terrible.

Yeah. Oh no, he wouldn't float. I might say. I don't. Because he's liquid. I'm not kidding, dude. I don't know if we have a lot of research done on the buoyancy of piss-filled men. Yeah, well, we should try that.

It'd be great. Boy, he's really floating. So Carlin is the guy who makes the final decision so he's like we're gone with the river. Again, overriding the guide. Yeah. Colgate was now moaning in an almost musical way. I like that. I can see that sounding a little bit like Radiohead, too. Carlin then said they would try to go by the river on rafts and they headed back down to the valley. They pitched a tent and put Colgate in bed.

So October 11, the sun comes out. And Spencer said they would have to get a move on while the weather was good. But Abe was like, look, we're stowed in. What's the rush? Boy, oh boy. Anyone here want to get out of here fast? Hold on.

I brought a frisbee. Let's do one day of frisbee. And then, yep, we'll do one day of music. No. He's like, we should hunt for a few days, because we're here. The river's not going anywhere. Does anyone want to play steamroller? Is there anything that is pressing?

Do we have any time issues? Colgate, a round of waffles. So even Pierce, who was the doctor's son, liked the plan of hunting for a few days. So Carlin offers Ben Keely $250 for some of his food and help getting down the river. And Keely thought going down the river was crazy, but that was a shitload of money, so he said yes. So Keely wanted the money once he turned over the food. And Carlin's like, no, when we get out. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! So they argue about that and then Keely stumps. Let's sleep on it and we'll return to the negotiating table in the morning. Piss! Piss! Piss!

So Keely stumps away angry and then Carlin is like, okay, I will pay when the rafts are built some. I mean, Keely agreed, but he said he couldn't- Take your time, by the way, make sure they're perfect. Keely agreed, but said he couldn't leave because he had promised to help finish Johnson's cabin roof, or the cabin they're building, so they have to, he's like, I gotta finish the cabin.

That's the roof, take your time, do the interior, all the stuff you're saying, painting, oh! We have all the time in the roof. Take your time. Do the interior, all the stuff you're saying, painting. Nothing. Oh! We have all the time in the world. All right, figure that out. When you're done with that, please! Build the raft.

We want two. We want to call them a brother and sister raft. One we want a little, oh my god! Help me! Build the one. And I think if we ride those in tandem, we could get out of here. Now we're about six men. So that should be good.

A piss explosion! I'm going to take a nap. I think we should all nap. Ooh, tired. Everyone who can hear me nap. Life's hell. My body's hell. So they estimated it would take about a week

to finish the roof. So Colin's like, I'll help finish the roof. Take your time. So Carlin's like, I'll help with the roof. So now they all pick jobs. Two guys are hunting, one guy's working on the roof, a Pierce is taking care of Colgate, while Abe and Carlin hunt. Sorry, one name's left off the list. Who do I leave off the list? Spencer.

What's Colgate doing? Oh, he's laying there moaning. Oh, OK. Yeah. Boy, he really got yellow on us. After three days, the roof is done. So they finished the roof. That's pretty good.

Good news, Colgate. Now we just got to build those rafts. Boy, you're really looking like a lemon head. So Abe designed the rafts 26 feet long, 4 and 1 half feet wide. Wow, OK. So they start building. And Colgate, not good. He's fading away.

Quote, hardly more animated than the box he sat on. So they stopped trying to talk to him. The flesh split open on one leg. So what do we... And the smell coming out of that was horrifying. Oh boy. It's piss meat. Now, that's what I was going to ask you.

And by the way, awful way to say it. It's just... It is just his body is rotting from piss. It's toxins. So piss is now trying to leave through his leg. Your body gets rid of all the toxins and stuff through the pee in the boot. I would almost feel like the leg you re-through would be good. Give you a little leg meatus.

So they always have one person with them. And they called it the Colgate watch. But he can't put on his boots anymore because of the swelling. His leg exploded from piss. Oh, he's got... He's swollen. Right. Urine swelling.

They cut and tied blankets around his feet instead. I mean, look, I know that some people are probably going to hear that and be like, that's not a shoe. It's not a shoe. But blankets are A, waterproof, B, they could take a real beating, and look, what do you want? I mean, they didn't know how wide his foot was gonna get from piss poison.

That's right. So. When I, back then, if I was alive and I got my shoes, I would say make them expandable. I would just, I mean, I grew up in Wisconsin, and the amount of times where you would just, you'd go outside in any Temperature just with a couple blankets on your feet. Yeah, it was fine. Yeah, it's totally fine fine

Especially with a big piss wound yeah Wound sure They decided to move him to where the rafts were being built as they put him on a horse. He screamed in pain He can't hold himself put him on a horse, he screamed in pain. He can't hold himself up anymore on the horse. So, Carlin and Pierce rode on either side of him holding him up. When Keely said Colgate was a goner, Spencer agreed. And then the second raft was built. And on that, they built a seat for Colgate.

That's great. Now they need more meat for the trip, so they go hunting. Let's for Colgate. That's great. Now they need more meat for the trip, so they go hunting. Let's eat his leg. They go hunting. Oh, we don't need to go hunting. You just had a great food source open up on a guy's leg. Don't ever speak again. What?

Life gave you lemons? Make lemonade. Speaking of lemonade. Don't. That's basically the color of what's coming out of that nice, delicious leg taco that he's just put before you. I mean, I am a little insulted by the idea that nature makes a calzone on a dude's calf. And we're just sitting here just going, oh, just because it's toxic piss, we're not gonna eat it?

Two birds, one stone. Eat the bad leg, one less blanket gets used, plus you finally get to know what urine meat is like. Everybody's turned off the podcast. Well, they should keep it on because this is not, we're not even having fun or trying to laugh here, but we're just teaching some important lessons. I don't know, I mean, you know, someone might go out hiking one day and their friend's, you know, quad might pop from urine. Okay, what are you going to do?

Well, I'll tell you what's a really fine option is to, you know, just treat it like pulled pork and have a yank and keep going. I think it's fine. What? Spencer said it would take a week or so to hunt enough food for the trip. They had 15 days of food. So that's what's cool too. This trip was about coming back with some some good stuff and you know now they don't have that. Right. Just because a guy didn't bring his piss rod. Right. So they leave the horses with old Johnson who when they left him he goes I'm not responsible for them. Right. So, they leave the horses with old Johnson who, when they left him, he goes, I'm not

responsible for them. Okay. Because I love him. Carlon. Carlon's now in a good mood. Things are looking up. Name one thing that's going poorly. And then the weather got worse.

Okay. So they pile blankets on Colgate. He now couldn't lie down without choking. Just keep up. I mean, at what point do you just walk away from him? Yeah, I don't know what to do at this point. No, no, he's dead. He is dead.

Like, they're talking about days to get out, like weeks, I mean a couple weeks at least it sounds like he's not gonna make it How you doing Colgate? Three you got three weeks left in your piss men Let me put a pillow on your head so you don't choke to death There you go someone sit him on the wall and wrap him in Michelin blankets and by the way You're not supposed to choke to death in your own body well, I I Will say none of us have ever had pissed to our lungs.

So we don't know. I really think we're onto something with this leg letting. Yeah, you might be right. Just Freddy Krueger a couple slices in him and see what comes out. If it ain't blood, it's good. As they prepared to leave on November 3rd,

old Johnson showed up. How you fellas doing? Well, Colgate looking pretty good, my man. Who's your yinna friend? But Old Johnson had just come to see if the rafts would sink. So he didn't think. So he just came for entertainment. Yes So the current took the rafts and off they went and Colgate was just a lump. He had no expression

Carlin does a little dance because he's so excited boy Look, I'm not gonna create the empath Olympics on this trip, but I know who's in last place And then they hit the rapids. Oh my god. I mean we are talking. This is full on comedic set piece. It's crazy. I mean Colgate's probably like, alright Colgate strap in.

We're about to hit a level four. These rapids are no joke. It's really bad. Hold on tight. Would it be out of line for you to do a little paddling during some of the rapids, Colgate? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gareth, the dollop is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Oh, Dave.

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I'm going to say it again. Go to squarespace.com for free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So Abe loses control of his raft when it hits some boulders and Colgate fell out of his seat and started sliding into the river. It's awful. It's awful but it's so comedically crazy. It's awful, but they are taking a man who's dying from piss, Whitewater River Rapid.

Pfft! I mean, you're just like, what the fuck do you think is gonna happen? Hold on tight, Colgate, this could be pretty difficult. He can't move, he can't hold. He's dead! For all intents and purposes, he is gone. No, they basically have a bag of pee now. Yeah, they have a pee man.

And they're just like, all right, Colgate, if we can get through this, you might be okay. By the way, we're two weeks away from home. There's no food. So Colgate was sucked under, but aid grabbed him just in time by his collar and pulled him. I mean, just in time and what, like, let him go, like you're saying. Let him go. Yeah.

They managed to stop and get Colgate on shore Carlin's diary quote all at all we've had a rough sort of day uh-huh hey Colgate out of line to get some poached eggs are we out of line to have a little we Where are we on bacon? Do we have any toast? Can you toast some stuff? How about just some coffee? How about a little? I mean, honestly, I think right now a little late night breakfast would really be good for the morale of the boys.

Do we have English muffins? His brain is urine. So they made a large fire. Colgate is now coughing and complaining of chills. Jesus Christ, Colgate, what's going on with you lately? Spencer said they had to unload unnecessary stuff, like the hunting. Colgate.

Like the hunting trophies. Oh my God. So yes, they have the horns or whatever, antlers from the bucks. All right, tough decisions have to get made. Oh my God, antlers or Colgate? Antlers or Colgate? Antlers or Colgate? I made pee-pee.

I made pee-pee. I like how you could pop home with the antlers. Oh my god. I mean, just the absolute yellow geyser that this man would be. Put the antler in Colgate. Let's see what happens. So Carlin refuses to jettison the trophies.

That's why they hunted. That's why they came on the trip. So Spencer. By the way, I would honestly take one of the points on an antler and just try to put it up his pistol. Yeah, 100%. Be like, fuck it, let's buck it. Spencer walked back to, I'm sure that's not in the story, but there's no way at some point

that he didn't try to cram something up his dick. They had to be putting like a twig up there or something. Yeah, yeah. So Spencer walked back to Johnson's cabin and asked if they could leave some stuff with him. Colgate, some pelts. And he's like, yes, and I'll come down with the horses in the morning to get the antlers and stuff.

So that night Neely complained the New Yorkers wasted more meat off the elk than they saved. So he's saying, you guys are such shitty shots that you could kill an animal and just lose pounds of meat. Yeah. And he's right. Like this disgusting white animal you shot over here. That's Carla. I mean, sure you, huh?

That's a fella. Well, I'm sure. What do you mean a fella? A fella like an elk? That's a pissman, yeah. This man? Yeah, that's a pissman. This is a guy?

Yep. Clearly you've been eating something off his leg. No, that's him on his own. Oh, it just looks like he's got leg ribs. Yeah, no, he comes open down there. Huh. Oh. You know what, he fucked up the whole trip

because we could still be hunting. This man's dead. I could have so many. This man is dead. No, no, he's alive. This man is alive? Yeah, he'll moan later. In the morning, usually.

He's a morning moaner now. He used to get up and make all kinds of food, but now... Oh, this is your chef? Yeah. Maybe tomorrow I'll hit him with a good moaning. Ha! The smell's bad! It's not great.

It is not great. The smell's bad! He is, uh... It is B-A-D bad! Should I just say he is cooked? I mean, this guy is. Yes. Whoo. So, Carlin's pissed and said... I know Colgate's pissed....said Keely hadn't done any hunting, so he didn't

know how to shoot, you know, how to shoot, whatever. They're arguing over their hunting skills. That's just... So it's now five weeks since they left Kendrick shoot Colgate and see if piss comes out They're supposed to be back at this point five weeks They're supposed to be back so think of his poor kid standing at the edge of the forest with two catheters So general Carlin members dads are general Yeah So General Carlin, remember his dad's a general, he sent someone to Kendrick to check in on them and he was told they probably went out the other way through Montana. Wrong though.

Wrong. So that day it rains really hard and Colgate says he can't get warm and then the rain turned to sleet and Johnson... God heard Colgate's plea. You think you're cold now, eh boy? Johnson came with the horse and said he thought they're all going to die and he'd get to keep the stuff. Old Johnson's the best.

Look, he's just matter of fact. He's the realest. You're all gonna die and I'm gonna keep these antlers. He he he he he. He he he he he. He he he he he. Don't listen to him Colgate, you're gonna pull through buddy. Oh fuck. You're talking to snow. So today, this day, it takes ages to get Colgate on the raft. It's a really hard day with all the hazards and that night they end up making a big bonfire

and now they have to have one man walk down the river to scope it out to see what the rapids are like before they go. So it's just all adding time to what they're doing. They found an island and they spent two nights there and Keely said this is all taking too long. They'd only gone 10 miles in four days. So great to be able to have Colgate's thoughts. Oh This is taking too long. Just Colgate like Really going to die Yesterday I died for a bit So Colgate is like look this walking ahead shit is stupid. It's wasting time, let's just run the fucking river.

Let's just run it. Take a chance. No one agreed with him. Everyone's like, that's crazy. So they decided to take off Colgate's shirt and pants to dry them, to try to keep him a little bit warm. I think what he's trying to say is, let's get him naked. I wanna see what this looks like.

I mean, honestly, just cannot. We have a bet that your nipples are huge now. We're going to try to pop your nipples until piss come out of them. They almost passed out from the smell when they unwrapped his feet. You try to be polite. It's not that bad.

They're gangrene. His feet are gangrene. Even Colgate's dog was avoiding him. How bad do you have to smell for your own dog to... Bad. Yeah. They took off his shirt and pants, quote, both men understood that his underpants were on to stay. Wait, what? His underpants were on to stay. Wait, what? His underpants were on to stay. They were not going to take off his underwear. Oh, man. Jesus Christ.

Just think back to the beginning of the trip. I think I'm doing better. Yeah. Let's not take his underwear off, otherwise we'll all die. Carlin's father, the general, now sent out search parties at his own expense. These guys, they're on the river, they tried to hunt and to catch fish, but no luck. Then they hit rapids they could not make, and they decided to rope the rafts down from shore.

What's the plan there? and they decided to rope the rafts down from shore. Okay. So they took... What's the plan there? Well, just to get past the rapids, so they're gonna hold... Oh, I see, I see. By ropes from the shore down.

And then kind of drag it basically. Yeah, until they get past it and get back on. So... Come on Colgate, grab your rope, buddy. Yeah, well that means they have to take Colgate back off the raft, so they do, and they bring the first raft down. Keely's like, I don't want to rope the second one, I'm going to run it.

And so they're like, yeah, okay Keely, go ahead. And Spencer's like, that is crazy to do alone, so he does it with him. It doesn't go well, they don't run the rapids well. The raft shot by the first raft, the ore was knocked out of Keely's hands, it crashed onto a rock and got stuck half underwater. Half their supplies were on that raft. I can't believe, I'm shocked by two things. One that they lost their supplies doing that and two that they even had supplies at this

point. That's true. It's shocked. It's almost like- They did have the meat that they hunted. We've heard so many of these versions where it's like however you get shit fucked in the middle of whatever endeavor or whatever you're going for, your expedition is thwarted by cold, by whatever. The idea of self-sabotaging your entire trip because of a guy who just didn't bring a catheter

and is going to die from piss. Yeah. It's good. Well, the guy was right. You city slickers shouldn't be out here. Yeah. Okay. So the others tried to move the raft, but it's stuck under this rock and they can't.

So they got Spencer and Keely off using the ropes and then they can't. Colgate is now just mumbling into himself. That's honestly way better than I thought he'd be doing. We are talking. I did not think a human could go this long without pissing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't think so.

Shocking amount of time. Yeah. I would say three or four days would be my guess as far as how long you could make it without pissing. Yeah, I wouldn't think. Yeah, it's crazy, right? Yeah. Well, weeks in.

Weeks. And this dude has not pissed. In five weeks. I mean, he's, it's crazy right. Yeah, this is I mean weeks in weeks and this dude has not pissed in five weeks I mean, he's probably shitting though Yeah, oh, yeah So toxins are getting out somehow some are but he's still like it's probably diarrhea city I can't I say it's not it's honestly you're talking about people turning this off I we can't even pitch on where it's going and how it's coming out. Oh yeah, he can't.

But there's probably some. Nobody's cleaning him. Dude, they just said they're not gonna touch his underwear. Oh fuck. I mean, it must be like. Although, he's not eating anything solid. But even then, I, look. It's gotta be coming out the backside.

There are probably the... I doubt we can even pitch or process the level of awful, disgusting things that's going on. Like... Yeah. Ugh. Yeah. It's just like if vomit were a guy. So they piled blankets on Colgate, and Keeley said he should have died days ago,

so they wouldn't have to deal with him. In the morning, they took the supplies off the raft, which caused it to rise and become unstuck. So they wrote the rafts down the river to where it was calmer, and Abe scouted and said, going on rafts from here will be suicide. Good. And they have a week of flour left.

How do you feel about a walk, Colgate? Yes. They have a week of flour left. They have no meat. No one could catch a fish. They haven't been able to catch a fish. They agreed to stop eating the flour and go on cornmeal and beans for as long as possible.

Perfect for Colgate's stomach. You know what I need now is gas. I was just thinking it'd be good to upset my insides. Keely looked after the dogs, then looked at the dogs, then back at Carlin and raised an eyebrow. And Carlin said no. Not yet. So Carlin has some not eating the dogs yet yet

so They have to abandon the rafts and they're 50 miles from help. I Mean far so far but also it's like it's not that I mean it's brutal conditions, but it's also like 50 miles to get this guy to piss. Yeah.

I mean- Not happening. No. Right? No way. Yeah. No. It's also not great that he's right near running water all day, every day.

Like every day, they're like right near rapid water sound. Oh, you know what that sounds like? You know what that sounds like? What, Colgate? Quiet, we're in the middle of something. It sounds like pee. Everything sounds like pee to you. The river sounds like pee. The waves sound like pee. The sloshing sounds like pee.

When we're peeing right next to you it sounds like pee. You know what? If you want to pee so bad Why don't you just pee? They just put a harmonic on his lip So they're gonna have to hike out it's gonna be very hard like is there any person of the group that you think isn't Gonna be able to make it no. I think they're all fine. Yeah. All right, who can't hike? Hands up.

Well, nobody put their hand up. So they're very weak already. They don't have a lot of food left. The biggest issue, obviously Colgate, who can barely sit down. His legs from the knees down are gangrenous. He's dead. He's a dead guy. I mean, you know, in medical terms only.

So Pierce is like, well, maybe someone should stay with him until he died. And Keely said he could linger for a while and then die and then the other person's dead also. So Carlin decides they would start walking and Colgate would walk as far as he could. I would really, right now, I would be like, look, we're going to fucking cut a stone to a spear shape and we're going in the pee hole. I would be pitching like, I'd be like, look, it's either we leave him or we get it out of him. It feels like that point passed.

Maybe. Gareth, his legs are gangrene. Yeah, look. I mean, you're right. You're not wrong. So yeah, they're going to start walking. Keely said Colgate couldn't walk a couple feet to the fire. They were going to have to leave him here to die.

And they just walk off. And he finished with, quote, don't forget, that son of a bitch brought it on himself, which he did. Yeah. Yes. 100%. Yes. This man thought he... There was an episode of Naked and Afraid where the guy was like...

He was like, I'm also using this as an opportunity to quit smoking. And it was like he was out within like four days. He was like... Because he went through horrible withdrawals along with like extreme dehydration. Right. Colgate had a plan.

He thought of this as a twofer. Yeah. He thought, I can go out there, be the cook. What's crazy is that he felt bad right away. Right away. Like you'd think right away, he'd be like, I need to go back. I have to get my catheter. I forgot it. Yeah. It's not like a retainer.

No, the first day he was hurting. Yeah, the first day, and he could have just been like, look, I'll be honest. Yeah, I fucked up. I really thought I'd be okay without this, but I'm starting to get worried. But then he probably thought, well, then they'll fire me, and I won't have a job for four months, or whatever. Imagine if you told this guy his worst outcome on day one. Now.

So you can either be this, or you can get fired. No, and by the way, they offered him a month's salary to go back. I know. Yeah. 100 know. Yeah. 100% on him. So when Keeley said that, no one said anything. And Carlin thought, at this point, he was like,

you know what, I should have talked to his doctor when he told me. He did tell me I could talk to his doctor. So it's jizzling in the morning. Not just on his leg. And Carlin told Colgate It was now every man for himself. All right, they were walking. We'll see you later, buddy Colgate didn't say anything. He just nodded and looked at the river

Quit looking at that thing. It's gonna make you want to piss Carlin asked if he understood and Colgate nodded And they put him on a piece of driftwood. Hey go buddy 20 feet from the water Hey go Pierce built him a fire and asked if he needed anything and Colgate said nothing, okay? So you got your fire you got your water we got that wood I'm trying to think is there anything else you need before we take off. I got a feeling my man's gonna pull through By the way your legs both look like they exploded By the way, your legs both look like they exploded. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

So they left him... Anything you need... What? Anything you... Anything you need? Got a hankering for... Ah, by the way... A catheter! I was gonna say, aside from a catheter.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, anything you need beside a way to get piss out of you. They left him a pile of blankets. Here you go, buddy. Pierce rolled up a blanket with one of Colgate's shirts inside and tied it to his back as if he was going to walk with them. What are they doing? You know what they're doing? They are trying to sell themselves on the idea that they're not leaving a guy to die. Yeah, that's right. They're trying to be like, when you feel better, you've got you to go, kid.

Pierce realized he was just making himself feel better. He put some firewood besides Colgate and walked off. After a bit, Pierce looked back. From the book Snowbound by Lad Hamilton, quote, as Pierce watched, Colgate stood up Balanced unsteadily for a moment and took a few steps in the direction The others had gone and then he stopped Took another halting step and stopped again. His dog was beside him Pierce turned feeling like shit and walked off around the bend. I'm I'll be honest. I'm just shocked that he moved that much. Yeah, I agree.

I, at this point, feel like he is in a piss coma. Yeah, well, he's not. He's still- But he's still like, there is like, a guy is still there. I mean, he is not pissed in- He's not pissed in three weeks. It's like six weeks. His legs-

No, it's like six weeks now. That's shocking. That, I that I I Mean we David Blaine should try this I Am very curious how long an actual person can go without pissing. Yeah six weeks sounds I bet Luke would do this for us Luke is doing this right now, and he didn't even hear this story So they had to steep steep difficult terrain as they camped that night cold cold gets dog caught up to them looking tired in a mess that is I'm pretty sure the end of the good parts of this story are over. We won't feel good again

Let's all enjoy this moment. Yes, the dog was like I know when to cut losses. Yeah You have to be so fucked up for your dog to walk away from you. For your dog to be like, I'm out. Yeah. For your dog to break up with you. I can't do this anymore. This is a codependent relationship. I can't. So the hiking is hard.

The packs cut their skin. Sometimes they had to get on their hands and knees. Carlin starts having dizzy spells. Okay. hands and knees, Carlin starts having dizzy spells. Okay, so leaving Colgate is brutal, but he would have died here. Oh yeah, he couldn't, yeah. So you know. Their legs and feet were cut and bruised. They occasionally shot a grouse.

Okay. Each day they covered less distance. They're hungry, they're stumbling a lot and then they arrive at Black Canyon, which is Water basically the river flowing between what are like two walls of stone, okay? So they had to hike up the hike up high enough to see the mountain goats Then they have to descend back down to the river after that okay? Colgate's dog could no longer go on, so they put the dog down. And they made soup.

Did you fucking eat it? Yeah, okay. They're not going to put it down. Not eat it. They made soup. Yeah, okay. After a few days... I wonder if they were maybe just like...

Yeah, yeah. He seems pretty tired. Sure does. And sad, maybe? I don't think he can go on any further. Look at him. He seems pretty tired. Sure does. And sad maybe? I don't think he can go on any further. Look at him. He's like, Arr, arr, arr. Yeah.

He's asking for it. Let's make a dog soup. After a few days, all they had left was coffee, tea, and a tiny bit of flour and sugar. Anyone want some more dog chowder? That day they made it a mile and a half. The next day Pierce hung his rifle on a tree. He was too tired to carry it.

There was snow and they were slipping and sliding. Weeeeeee. How fucking, I mean even back then, how fucking desperate is your life to do these things? You must have been hearing all the time about these sorts of things. Oh yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. I'll give it a whirl. It'd just be a hunting trip. Hey, did you hear about Hanky? He ate all of his family and friends. Oh, god damn it. What? I should ask that doctor. The best. Carlin Pierce and Spencer had swords on their feet that wouldn't heal. They said swords, okay. Swords, yeah.

Without food, they were dizzy and they keep falling down, but they do make it past Black Canyon. Man, now they can't even stay warm with a fire. Okay. They ate bread. There was only enough flour for one more meal, which they ate on November 20th. Merry Thanksgiving. Yeah.

Abe couldn't sleep and was basically a walking zombie. He got an hour of sleep for over seven nights. Okay. Spencer said for dinner, they would eat a small piece of bacon he used to grease the pan. That's all they had left. And Keely laughed until he cried. Oi, that is a psychotic move. That's joker shit.

The bacon weighed two ounces, split five ways. That was he tried to do the math, but he could not. Fuck. I mean, you know, it's like you're dying. Yeah, you're dying. This is it. They could walk along the river instead of climbing up and down. Keely then caught a one pound fish. So they saved the bacon for tomorrow. Nice.

The next morning they ate it. Keely caught three more fish. Now these are small fish. They're not huge. Carlin Spencer and Pierce are now too weak to move. But after eating the fish, they're able to just get going again. Let's go.

Starts to snow. To keep from falling, they're holding onto rocks and tree branches. Oh my god. Then they come to a fishing hole. And Keely and Carlin try to fish. But Carlin can no longer control his arms. What does that mean?

What are you talking about? I think he's so weak. Can't, okay, there's a difference between can't use his arms and can't control his arms. Can't use is the same thing. Okay, can't control his arms, but to me, that's what I'm picturing. I'm picturing like an early plane.

I'm picturing like a bird that's covered in syrup. Hey, Carly, why's your arms doing wooly birds? I don't feel good. Woo! Oh, fuck. He managed to catch two fish by dropping his line in. This decent meal revived them. These are the most pathetic fish ever.

Yeah. To be caught by these guys right now? So pathetic. So the dogs in them are revived. The next day, there's two inches of snow, so they decide, well, we can't go anywhere. Let's rest. Pearson, Spencer, and Abe want to stop and just wait for someone to find them, which

isn't going to fucking happen. No. It's a dream. It's a lazy dream. Carlin said no, and Keely said to walk one more day on the trail. Yeah. So, they agreed to try one more day. Very difficult.

It's snowing. They have to climb on rocks. Carlin sat down and then realized everyone had gone on without him. Well, okay. I mean, these men are out of their minds. Yeah, no one, yeah. He drifted in and out of sleep. He couldn't figure out if he was dreaming or awake.

Above a river on a trail or in his living room in Buffalo, he had no idea where he was. Okay. Then he rubbed snow on his face and brought himself back to reality. Now Abe sees that the valley has actually started to widen and the wilderness is less wild and he turned to tell Carlin but he realizes Carlin is not there. I'm on the hill trippin'. I'm in my room. I'm in my home in Buffalo.

I'm in my mind palace trying to find out if I'm real. So he goes back to find Carlin, but made it 20 steps before he collapsed. Oh, fuck. After a bit, Carlin catches up, and the two of them walk on leaning on each other. And then a rescue party led by Lieutenant Elliott saw a white dog appear on some rocks.

So they- We have the catheters. Where's Colgate? So they go towards it and they see a very, very, very skinny guy walking towards them and they ask his name and he says he's Spencer. So the soldiers had a camp with oatmeal and bacon and Elliott asked about Colgate and was told, quote, he failed to turn up on November 10th, 12 days before I met the others, and had not been seen since. Like a little more than bacon?

Elliot wanted to go look for him, but the Cartham Party insisted it was totally useless as he was practically dead when they left. So Elliot decides not to search. Now Keely was looking at them as East Coast New Yorkers again, right? So the old mountain man, not old, but the young mountain man, like these fucking city slickers, he now thought he deserved a lot more than the $250 he'd

agreed to. OK. Isn't that great timing? No, it's bad timing. By the way. You all owe me double. We're dying. On November 30th, he brought up to Carlin and said everything he had done to get them

down the river and out alive was worth way more than $250. What? And Carlin was furious. Yeah. Saying, all that equal parts and making out alive. And Keely said the deal was to raft down the river, but they walked out so he gets more money. He's not wrong. I mean, kinda.

I mean, he's not, it's... Remember, he is the guy who said, let's keep walking that one last day. Yes. They would have died. Yes. Yeah. He said, if it hadn't been for them, none of them might have made it out. And Carly said they had made a deal.

And Keely said, well, we never shook on it. God damn it, he's right. We didn't do the magic mountain shake. He's right. It wasn't notarized. So they get back to Kendrick in time for Thanksgiving dinner at the St. Elmo Hotel. Oh my God. This turkey is dry.

You imagine that. You have any? I don't eat white meat. I prefer chicken. I don't eat the white meat. I just like the dark. No more thighs? Not as eat in the morning.

So they had been gone for 75 days, 10 and a half weeks. Fuck me. And they're famous. It's nationwide news. But they're famous for failing. Yeah. Right. Some people thought a random guy who arrived by train was one of the Carlin Party, and

they carried him to the hotel for a free dinner and then realized he wasn't part of the party. Why not? I was! He's a jolly good fella. That's right! Boy, you do not look that skinny. I'll have everything on the menu and a couple martinis. Thank you, boys. I'll tell you, it was quite a trip. Quite a trip it was.

Nothing felt normal up there or down there, whichever way we went. But I remember one day when we were in the river can I get another shrimp cocktail, sweetheart? That'd be fantastic. I remember one day when we were right by the river I said to myself I looked at my mirror and I said to myself Jeff or something like that This is going to make for a hell of a story Thank you all for understanding how crazy it is. Just another croissant Maybe two more croissants. Shouldn't you be skinnier? Oh, I got way skinnier.

You should have seen me when I left. I was 450 pounds, boy. Well I wasn't a pound under that at all. I'll tell you, I was in the Guinness Book. I was. I was in the Guinness Book for being the fattest man alive. Look at me now. Now I look pretty skinny, don't I?

You look about 220 pounds. Can I have another T-bone? Maybe another two T-... One T-bone for now, one T-bone to go, and more of those mashed potatoes. By the way, I'll just take the gravy in a wine glass. I don't mind drinking that. Yeah, I tell ya, you really learn a lot about yourself when you're out on a mission like that.

And the men I was with? Well, they became my brothers. And if there was a woman, she became my sister. That's for sure. Now, I don't want to get into any specifics about the trip. No, no, no. It brings on the old PTSD, which I have pretty bad. Speaking of having pretty bad, I'll tell you what I wouldn't mind. Another couple of lobster turfs. Get the hell out of here.

I'm doing a bit of surfing turf. Get the hell out of here. Well I'd love to but my legs don't work. You see out there I was mauled by river piranhas. Oh boy, oh boy. Fuck you. Oh come on. I was part of the party. There's no fucking river piranhas. Oh boy, oh boy. Fuck you! Oh come on, I was part of the party! There's no fucking river piranhas, you asshole! I'll just take a handful of ice! It's just nice to have friends!

So, Karlin was asked to meet with Colgate's wife and son. Oh, I'm passing. Yeah, no. So they brought some friends, men who were from the town that they were from. And Carlin explained what happened. He died from piss. He did not pee. He should have brought his iron pee things.

He said they did everything they could to help him stay alive and be comfortable. And Miss Colgate wanted to know what happened to his body. And Carlin said, while he was still alive when I last saw him, which didn't go over well. He tried to explain the situation and how two men would have died if he had stayed, right? If anybody stayed with him. So finally he just fucking snapped and said Colgate was the cause of all their problems in the first place.

He's right. Val right valid 100% right no matter what Colin said they could not understand and Carlin asked why should six men die because one had been irresponsible and gotten them into trouble and that's the end of the meeting and Then he handed Colgate's wife $25 for his pay. And I don't love that. And for a final thing, he did a really nice job. I believe this is it. I'm sorry, you're widowed. She gasped.

I'm sorry, you're widowed. Here's a tip. That's pathetic. That night was Abe's father's retirement party now, this is just a weird coincidence I don't understand it, but so the generals having a retirement party. I like that. He's going through with it. Yeah So at the party Keely cornered Spencer and said he deserved the reward So there there have been a reward out for them for whatever thousands of dollars sure He said if Spencer backs and he'll split it with him look if you if you There had been a reward out for them for whatever thousands of dollars were. Sure.

He said, if Spencer backs him, he'll split it with him. Look, if you back my bullshit story that I'm going to come up with, we're going to split the money. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I like a good- You're a guy.

You're a mountain fella. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're a good team. Yeah. Oh, yeah. By the way, you give off real good vibes. Spencer's like, yeah, no, I'm not doing that. And then Keely pulled the general aside. And he said, I deserve the reward.

Your son's a little bitch. And the general laughed at first, because he thought he was joking, because it's crazy. And then he thought Keeley was nuts, and Keeley said he was going to sue for the reward. And now people start questioning why they left Colgate out there alive. The Spokane review quote, four able-bodied men should not have deserted one tottering companion tottering tottering I mean the the man was dead he was tottering he to me tottering is The man is it taught taught no

I mean incapacitated. And tottering. Sure. I understand he had a bit of a limp. Why'd you leave him behind? Other papers wrote the same. Abe and Carlin wrote a rebuttal for the Spokane Review.

They included the doctor's statement, so they got Colgate's doctor's statement. It was like, yeah, yeah no that was crazy and then they got on a train to New York but the article doesn't stop the rumors right papers went after Carlin and Lieutenant Elliot also for not hiking into fine Colgate uh-huh they're like so this poor fellow was fine just out there hanging out probably living in a little cabin he'd made on his own local old mountain med said Abe and Karlin were exaggerating the conditions in the valley oh that's the best and then Keely came out and said they were lying uh well that's yeah made an enemy um am i sinking? No.

I'm not. I thought I was. You've been sinking. For a long time. Am I tilting? No, you're fine. Oh, yeah, you're tilting a little bit. It looks fine, actually.

Am I better tilting? Oh, hi. Hello. So he says they're lying. Now his lie is that they just kept hunting and when they left Colgate he was alert and happy and looking forward to being home. So why would they, why would they?

Boy, I'll tell you what. I wrote a musical to perform as soon as we get back. I'm in such a good head space. Why, like why would anybody believe that? Because what did they think was wrong with him? Well, it just shows you the way that there's always these types. Always.

Who are just always like, you know, they see a way to get, to be, have attention paid to them. So they're just like, I know what was happening on this trip I was far away from just like, I know what was happening on this trip I was far away from. Yeah, totally. He was fine. If anything, Colgate was leading the expedition

most of the way from my sources. The last time I saw him, he put on his happy hat. Did they even try to walk Colgate on his hands? Ha ha ha. Keely told Miss Colgate the five of them had divided up the rations and then walked off leaving him.

A night of entertainment was held to raise money for the Colgate family. But they acknowledged Colgate's gone? Yes. Okay. Keely went and told his version of the story and said he deserved the reward. This guy's like, man, don't make there be two people who died in this story. But remember, he is going to what is essentially

a fundraiser wake, memorial thing, and he is saying, I deserve money getting the other guys out alive. The only way to bring Colgate back is to give me the money. Ha ha ha ha ha. The only way to bring Colgate back is to give me the money. So there was an indignation meeting held and a resolution was drawn up denouncing Carlin and Abe, which created headlines. In Missoula, Keely said he tried to leave Colgate food, but Carlin wouldn't let him. And then after the party left, he doubled back and gave Colgate his gun and ammo.

He also said Avin Carlin didn't help build the rafts and were so scared they couldn't help take the rafts out. More headlines. He's just making headlines. John Pierce said nothing. Spencer defended Carlin and the decision, but also that they ignored his advice to get out early. Mm-hmm. Boy, they're really showing their true colors. Yeah, they are. Through the winter, papers wrote on the story, in December, New York

World reported two trappers had found Colgate wandering around nearly dead. Oh, shit. No total lie Oh what I was good. What the fuck? a Bottle with a note was found in the Snake River in late December And it was dated November 27th quote. I am alive and well Tell them to come and get me as soon as anyone finds this I am 50 miles from civilization as near as anyone finds this I am 50 miles

from civilization as near as I can tell I am George Colgate one of the last colon party my legs are better I can walk some come soon take this Kenrick Idaho and you'll be liberally rewarded oh my fucking god oh please Fucking God. Oh, please read that once more. That is unbelievable. I am alive and well. That is, my legs are better. Tell them to come and get me as soon as anyone finds this. I am 50 miles from civilization, as near as I can tell.

I am George Colgate, one of the last cardan party. My legs are better. I can walk some come soon I mean this guy's dog ran away from it Man Take this to Kendrick, Idaho, and you'll be liberally rewarded Sign it was signed goodbye wife and children. Oh what the crazy ending to oh my god God the guy who wrote that was having a good time. The guy who wrote that was like, this is too far.

This is hilarious. Nobody's going to be able to figure it. I mean, people are going to be like, what? Yeah, I'm in pranks. So that was about 15 days after they left him. Also, his name was spelled wrong. Usually you don't spell your name. Well, yes.

But I mean, come on. Yeah. The Times asked Abe about it. spell your name. Well, yes, but I mean, come on. The Times asked Abe about it, and he asked where Colgate could have gotten a pencil and a bottle. I mean, that's completely what I was thinking. The reporters said- Not that I buy it, but I'm like, this guy being like, here we are, here's my plan.

The reporter said the signature matched Colgate's, the New York World printed Keeley's version. Carlin wrote a response a week later. Abe wrote a 30 point defense. Sorry. It's all right. I know you're bottom. It looks fine. Wrote a 30 point defense.

30 points. That's fucking crazy. I mean, it was easy to do. And he handed it out to friends. He was like, see, I'm not a fucking crazy. I mean, it was easy to do. And he handed it out to friends. He was like, see, I'm not a fucking killer. Maybe it is a little crooked. Yeah. You would write a 30-point defense

if someone was saying this shit about you. Yeah. Because you'd be like, dude, this is so crazy. I'm not a fucking murderer. Come at once. My legs have never been better. I'm training for an Iron Man. So Colgate's friends now organize a search party.

It's Colgate's son and three men. And they find nothing. And then they get in way over their heads. One of them breaks a collarbone. They make a shelter and they had to stay there for a week. Please tell me that one of them didn't bring their catheter. They built a stretcher and carried the guy out 35 miles to a shack.

So they go to search party for Colgate and almost die doing it. After many noted that a teen boy and two men carried out a wounded man on a stretcher. But also, you know what time of year it is? It's not the, yeah, whatever. I mean, yeah. I mean, you know what time of year it is? Like, it's not... Oh, I mean... Yeah. I mean, it really is.

I mean, maybe they could have done that. I don't know. I mean, they didn't. But again, the guy's fucking dead. The guy fucked up. This is like the level of obsession over one thing, and then once it captures the public's attention, the amount of grifting and storytelling going around it for your own personal gain and all that. I mean it's just like so, yeah, us.

Yes, it is us. So in March four more men went in search of Colgate and two of them drowned in the river. Jesus Christ. Stop. In May, Carlin and Abe hired Spencer and his partner to search for Colgate's remains. Oh, and also get their hunting trophies from old Johnson. Why were they there? You know that's how they brought it up.

Would you mind going, we will pay you to go in and look for Colgate's remains absolutely While you're there. Yeah, could you also just see if old Johnson still has the antlers? We are all just so broken up by the Colgate. Yes. It's very terrible. What a tragedy. It's very terrible We will not experience closure until we find that button Colgate deserves that mm-hmm Yes, I agree. It's the only way to give him the sense of peace. His family. He deserves exactly. For his family more than anything. Yeah, so get out there. I'll do it. Go get him. Yep. Because it is so important. Yeah, so I'll go back to the valley. Yep, that is the only mission. Alright.

Oh, now that I'm thinking about it, we left a bunch of trophies out there. While you're there, oh gosh, do we even need, well yeah, may as well. While you're there, grab us all the trophies. There's antlers, there's just a lot of stuff to just, while you're out there searching for Colgate's closure, which he deserves, nobody deserves justice more. And if anyone says anything different, I will kill them. You son of a bitch.

All I want are the antlers, just get a bunch of... You son of a bitch. They were all right, you killed him, didn't you? I left a ring out there too. When you find a big pile of yellow snow, that's where he is. Spencer found the remains of the tent, the blankets, and a big bed, a bit of bedroll, and part of his corduroy shirt. I hope they found a writing station and a bottle.

Like four bottles and then a bunch of crumpled up notes that they draft for. Not to brag, but I'm actually recovered. The Missoulian newspaper hired Keighley to search for Colgate's body, and he bumped into Spencer and his partner while they were out there. Keighley also found nothing. That summer, the Army sent a party led by Lieutenant Elliott, and they found a left leg with the pants still on about eight miles below where they had left him, and they buried it.

The media had forgotten about Colgate, but now it boiled all back up. How could he have walked eight miles, they asked. Some said it proved he was abandoned and his body had just been carried downstream by the water. That's all that happened. Yeah. That's it. Fuck me, man.

What's funny is I got to piss so bad. I'm like... You don't really need to. I don't need to. Yeah, you could hold it for a few weeks. Eight weeks I could be here. No, that really is just the... It is one of our worst deaths on the show. It's so crazy. And again, I remember Colgate dying from piss. That's how important it is.

That's what we all remember. It's a great legacy. Main source, Lad Hamilton, snowbound. The New York Times. It really should be called piss bound. Yes, pissers. Like, ugh, that feeling. It's sexy. It is hot.

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