The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 693 - Juan Cortina - Live

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Eduardo Espinosa of El Dollop to examine Juan Cortina - Recorded Live in Houston  SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH   Rocketmoney  Squarespace - use code: Dollop

I recently went to visit my buddy Phil in Ontario a little while ago and he was like oh yeah just come over stay at my place. You know and I was like buddy love ya but probably not gonna do that. So I ended up booking an Airbnb in like the village of Chippewa, right on the well land, I believe, canal. And yeah, it was awesome. I had like, there's like a little dock, there were big windows, the whole nature meets city vibe. It was perfect.

By day three, Phil was like, can I crash here? And I was like, no, you have a home. But he did. And that's really when it hit me that someone had to be hosting this place that they weren't even there, but they're making money while we're just sitting out on the dock drinking coffee, watching geese, having a good laugh with each other. So if you've got the space,

it's a practical way to earn some extra cash to go towards whatever. Car payments, cat food, groceries, whatever, without it taking over your life. It's flexible, it's on your schedule, and it works around your lifestyle. Whether you're at home or you're off visiting your own fill in another city. So if you've ever thought about hosting your own place, this is your sign. Your home might be worth more than you think.

Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. You're listening to The Dolip. This is an American history podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a son of a bitch. Hey. Hey, he's just mad because I'm a local, y'all. Gareth Reynolds has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Whoo!

Now, wait a minute. There's a third chair. There's a third chair. Uh-oh. We got a guest. It's the guy that I ad-hol hold my soap. Yeah. It's his soap boy. Do you want me to introduce him? Sure. We can do it together. You want to do it together? El Dalip... Eduardo Espinosa! Eduardo Espinosa! Yes!

That's right. He stole our idea and made it huge in Mexico. Which is what they've always been doing. Hello. How's it going? How are you doing, Eduardo? Thank you for being here. You're great, yeah. Enjoy the chair.

My hands are still kind of slippery from holding all that soap. Yeah. No, you're lubed up. Oh, wait. I got to tell one story. So the guy who was helping us tonight said he was like, when we were in the elevator, he was like, my wife, when she heard the dollop was coming, was really excited. I was like, oh, that's really nice.

And he's like, but I guess it's a different show. They spell it D-O-L-U-P. I was like, oh, that's really nice. And he's like, but I guess it's a different show. They spell it D-O-L-U-P. I was like, what? What? Yeah, there's one and it's like a drag podcast. And she was like really excited. And then he's like, so what's your history? I was like, yeah, but it's like,

I wear pink hats sometimes. So it's totally like, we're fluid. I mean, that is Texas drag. Yeah, yeah, this is completely. It's like, hey, I'm going out as a lady tonight. Well, when you put it in to the search engine, it's like, no, you mean the dollop. Our show.

No, yeah, it's literally like, you don't mean what you're saying. That's good. And then I put in doolup, and it says, I am a gamer, and I am mostly caught up in school, so I don't post that often. Hit that kid up. Let's see what he's up to. That's awesome.

Let's follow that thread a little bit, Dave. Start talking to this kid. I am a gamer. I am a gamer. I am mostly caught up in school, so I don't post that often. 100% fishing for all the weird dudes. Yeah.

Well, he got one. He sure fucking did. Without question. How you doin' little dollar fella? What games you like? I like Parcheesy. And Checkers. You know, sometimes,

sometimes love can be a game. Just talk to my ex-wife, Shelly. Why don't you read the goddamn thing? Is your hat on too tight? Like what? No. Always. It's the opposite. It's loose.

Alright. You can't come to Texas and tell us how to do stuff, Eduardo. I am sorry. It's alright. Lo siento. By the way, I burned bano in lo siento. I am sorry. Luciento. By the way, I burned Bano and Luciento. That's it. I got nothing else. May 16th, 1824.

Juan Cortina. I think it's called Juan Cortina. I think that's the right way to say it. It's going to be a long night. This podcast is going to be a nightmare. You can say John Curtin, that's what it means. Juan Cortina. John Curtin is awesome.

Was born in an adobe and rock house in Camargo, Tamaulipas, Mexico. All right. There's a Camargo in Chamaulipas, Mexico. All right. There's a Camargo and Chihuahua where I'm from. I don't know if it's the same one. I don't think so, but. Yeah, I think it, he was born to Trinidad Cortina and Estephana Gossia Cochia.

What the fuck did you try to say? Yeah, look, I can't, I mean, to me it looks like, if I was to translate this, it would be goose, goose cocoa. They were a wealthy cattle ranching family and the family's land grant was over 260,000 acres. Wow, fuck. That's a lot.

Yeah, and how many acres is that in today? Seven. I think it's like 500,000 now. lot. Yeah. And how many acres is that in today? Seven. I think it's like 500,000 now. Wow. Inflation is out of control. It's doubled at least. Yeah. So, his dad was an al-kade of a town in Mexico.

He was a what? Al-kade. Al-ki, like your dad? I called. Al-kade. That's just, he was the mayor. What, how'd you say that? Alcalde.

That's fucking bullshit. He's a mayor. He was the actual mayor? He's a mayor of his town, and his mom was considered a very cultured woman, and she had a bunch of half siblings, and after three years, they moved to Matamoros, which is just across the border from Brownsville in Texas. Okay. I think it's pronounced Matamoros, but it's fine. Matamoros.

So, the years he grew up there, there was a lot going on. This is just before he was born, Mexico gained its independence. Congratulations. Yeah, some of us are willing. The first few years of his life, there were many horrible raids by Native Americans. And when he was 12, Comanche warriors attacked ranches near Matamoros, killing people and taking livestock.

So Juan hates Native Americans. So can I just say, to America buddy. Yeah. Was he given his green card like right then and there? When he was a teen, nearby towns and villages revolted against the Mexican government. When he was around 18, 200 Texas raided across the Rio Grande

in retaliation for Mexicans attacking San Antonio. So fucking think about that. I don't know man. And the Texans were defeated. I didn't do anything. I'm just tonight's DEI hire. I don't know what's happening. We're not paying you. That tracks.

You're just DEI. And Juan watched as people cheered in a matamoros and as the defeated Texans were marched through the streets. You guys probably don't read about that in your Texas history, do you? No, they're all about the Alamo. They're not laughing very hard at that stuff. Still not over it. Now a local Irish merchant said Juan was a, quote, bold and daring fellow who spent time working with horses and as a guide for travelers.

And he and his vaquero friends spent time out on the prairies and in the chaparral. And they went to fandangos, and they drank, and they gambled, and they danced, and they got into fights. I mean, what else were you going to do? It was the 1800s. I know, right?

Yeah, that's the whole thing. Yeah, go see movies. Fandango. As a young man, everyone knew you did not fuck with Juan. Quote, the man who crossed Cortina courted trouble and danger. He's a bad boy. Like you on Twitter. That's right. Oh, was he just blocking people?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just blocks people that people would message whoever his friends were and be like, hey, can you ask Juan to unblock me? And- Like, no, you know what you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He dressed well, the ladies were very into him. Everyone liked Juan, he had charisma,

he was five, six, very, so really tall. Very, very good looking, he had green eyes and a beard. Not educated, and as an adult, did not know how to read or write. So, fucking catch. Yeah, that also attracts. Yeah, hot and dumb. Yep. At 20, he joined the Guardia Nacional de Tamaulipas.

Tamaulipas. Guardia Nacional de Tamaulipas, go ahead. Let him struggle. Okay. They're bad boys. What are they all about? It's an army of some sort. Sure.

And he rose to the rank of corporal, and around this time he seduced an older widow with three kids. He seduced an old widow with three kids. Yeah, fuck you. So he took three kids to the widow and she was seduced by that? Yeah. That's right. Hey, what do you think of these three kids yeah I know I

mean so fast than that yeah you you get a widow you sure three kids she comes in and then right away yeah Jesus Christ it's called hot sex. You guys don't know how to set a trap. His parents were super not into it. Into what, the seduction? Yeah, being with the older widow. They didn't like that they wanted him to be. How old is the widow? A widow, she's like 30ish and he's like 20.

That's fucking hilarious that we're like, oh what an old bag. She's 31. Yeah. Yeekey. And then he married his cousin when he was 21 and she was 16. Fuck me. That's fucking hot. I didn't know Mexico had an Arkansas. We have like three. But then he abandoned his cousin, which really upset his mom. That's a crazy thing. Yeah, that's a horrible family reunion. Yeah. That is an awkward family reunion.

How dare you divorce your cousin? She's right over there. But he does keep banging the widow. And then they had a kid. Oh, nice. He would actually end up marrying the MILF in like four years. You mean the widow? You just turned her into a MILF.

Oh. He would actually end up marrying the widow. Yeah. Hey buddy, try to keep it focused a little bit. Would you please? I mean, she already had three kids, right? Yeah, she has three kids. By definition, she's a MILF.

He wants to fuck her, she has three kids. Okay, keep it in your pants. Yeah. All right. So he ended up jacking off to the MILF picture after the show. I mean, he ended up... Sorry, sorry, sorry. Juan built a ranch called San Jose

about 10 miles from Brownsville and the Republic of Texas became part of the US in 1846. And then Mexico broke off diplomatic relations. We've done so much for you. So much. We still let you make tacos. That's fine. You try to take that away from us. Yeah.

And we made Taco Bell and Del Taco for you. You're welcome. Do you have Taco Bell in Mexico? They tried to go and like set up a few in Mexico City and they were just ran out of town. They had to make a run for the border. Yeah. That's so fucking great. That is so fucking good.

Oh my God. That is so great. Do you want to have a Dorito taco with hella sauce? Get the fuck out of here? Are you interested in a beef taco? No, sir English that'd be a great movie actually wouldn't talk about trying to come to So the US claimed the Mexico border was at the Rio Grande, while Mexico said it was Rio

Nueces. Yeah. There's actually, where I'm from, there's like right by El Paso, Texas, we have a couple of parks that are like in a, where the river used to be because it moved so we gained like oh you got property yeah the river moved yeah like the i mean it was a it had water back then crazy times so a river with water yeah i know it's weird so the riverbed sort of moved after a flood so they were fighting over the like a strip of land and we kept it. Congratulations!

That's awesome! Yeah. Well, at the time- Security, everyone who clapped, let them- yep. At the time, what we're talking about, this giant swath of land is disputed, but the main area we're talking about is the little red slashes between the Nueces River and the- Nueces means nuts, by the way. It means what?

Nuts. So, they're fighting over the nuts strip. Which is like the landing strip, but for a guy. Yeah. Oh, look, it's the Gulf of Mexico. That's not even there anymore. Miss it? That's fine. It's ours bitch. And the American Canal. Well at least we don't have Taco Bell. Wait a minute. I like it. So the US Army is sent to Rio Grande and a Mexican Army is sent also there.

And Juan said patriotism caused him to quote, take up arms and to fight against the invaders. The Mexicans. No. He's in that area. So he was used as a scout by the Mexican army, and he took part in fighting and was a combat veteran when he was just 21. Wait, wait, now I'm confused. Are you sure Cortina or Curtin was his last name

or that was just his attire? Because I don't know. Do you want to know his full name? I didn't want to have to do this because it's just. This is going to be an assault on Spanish. We are about to witness a hate crime. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. picture. Oh okay yeah yeah I get why he keeps it around. Juan Epomucena Cortina Gozac Ochea. Yeah there we go. Yeah whatever. Yeah what he said. Yeah. But he's called Cortina in the history books. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah I just want Cortina

because it's really complicated. Everyone's like. I'll give you that one. Yeah, that one's crazy. Yeah. The Mexican army is defeated and the US marched into Matamoros in May 1846. So Juan's humiliated by this. His property falls into the hands of the enemy and the army sets up a supply base at his childhood home. That's fucked. Oh, wow. Juan lived a nomad at his childhood home. That's fucked. Oh wow. Juan lived a nomad life at this point. He was wandering and fighting.

Wandering. Yeah. Now you can mute him. He was wandering and fighting isolated... Hey! Yeah! I just did it. And you see, it feels good, right?

No. I haven't seen you smile in years like that. He liked it. Look at him, he liked it. And he was fighting isolated American units and, quote, fleeing. Okay. Now Mexico City falls to the Americans in 1847. Boo.

Yeah, the dead Mexican. By the way, right now, Mexico City has also fallen to the Americans. They're just moving in. In a different way. Yeah, they're just moving there and taking the spice out of life. Yeah, we're just walking around being like,

do you have ranch dressing? I'd rather a war. of life. Yeah, we're just walking around being like, do you have ranch dressing? I'd rather a war. What's the Wi-Fi? Do you have a QR code? I don't like a sticky menu. Oh God. Tell about the Karen story. About what? The woman who with the parking. All right, so there's this place, like in southern Mexico, and this Mexican guy just parked in front of a house by the curb, because the curb is public property. Yeah, parked.

Yeah. So he just parked there. And this American lady, this expat, you know, quotes, comes out and she's upset. And she calls the cops and the Mexican guy to have his car removed. And then she's upset because she calls the cops and the Mexican guy to have his car removed and then she's upset because the cop is not speaking English.

And the cop is just like, que? No, it's not okay. Speak English. Do you know where you are? Pinch, vieja. Where's my taco bell? Yep. Oh, fuck, we're great. What are you talking about? Yep. Oh, fuck.

We're great. We are the best. Yeah. By the way, in Mexico, we call them Karen, not Karen. It's Karen. Karen. Yeah. That's way better.

Karen. Or we call her Pinchavieja. But bueno, that's a different thing. Yeah. Wow. They get it. They have Mexicans and Houston, right? Yeah.

Woo! It's sad. We're going to have to invade you guys again. Yeah. They get it. They have Mexicans and Houston's, right? It's sad we're going to have to invade you guys again. Yeah. So Mexico City falls. The treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo is signed. And Juan cursed and ridiculed it. I'm sorry.

It's just I don't want to do this, but it just hurts. It's why you're here. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, but you're wrong. Juan cursed and ridiculed it, feeling it was humiliating for Mexico. And he returned to his mother's land and his ranch. But his land is now.

He just went back to Cried in his mansion. Yeah. Yes. He just went back to like a quarter of a million acres. He was like, but they keep taking from me. So his land's now in the US, and he's living amongst the enemy that he hates. So he gets a job working for a contractor at Fort Brown.

So now he's helping the army that he fought against. And he would help wagons trains going north and he the first one was 75 wagons and Juan was put in charge of it and a little way through he gets in an argument with the wagon master. Oh no but you don't want to fuck with that guy. No he's the master of wagons. Yeah. Yeah. But he doesn't understand a lot of English and when his boss arrives. Sounds like lot of English. And when his boss arrives, Juan. Sounds like a cattle. Yep.

When his boss arrives, Juan was, quote, aside the wagon master and choking him. I mean, that's really the universal language. Yes. Choking the wagon master. You must listen to my wagon. Shut up. The man's face was black and his tongue

was protruding from his mouth. He was almost dead. Oh, shit. Did not get fired, though. Because Mexicans are awesome workers. That's because Mexicans are great workers. And even if we try to kill our masters, they still employ us. By the way, sorry about dropping the soap earlier.

I mean, you do a good job. What am I going to do? Sometimes you kill me. Yep. It happens. Very next job, hurting some mules. He gets into another argument and ended up- With the mule daddy.

And he- Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And he kind of had a strike. He took a bunch of Mexican herders with him, and they all walked off the job. Oh, wow. But his boss still complimented him and said he had been faithful and effective.

Next, he finds work with a guy, a Kentuckian, to buy and drive 80 mules north to Kentucky. Is that a distance? Yes. OK. Yeah. Mules north to Kentucky. Is that a distance? Yes. Okay. Yeah You won't go about 80 85 mules north Take a ride go five mules. I mean you guys will use anything but the metric system. I don't get it

Because it's better you people should be switching come on it's. It's about 14 Taco Bell South. It is so funny that we came up with it. We probably were like, everyone will come around. Everyone's like, no, it's fucking dumb. We're like, we'll find out. No, we can't come around because we don't know how long we have to go around because the fucking distance is measured in mules. It makes sense if numbers don't matter. Yeah. For the love of God. Stop fighting it. We're right. We came up with a better one.

I mean, leave it to the country with the worst math scores ever. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Buddy, we got rid of the Department of Education to get those up, first of all. Yeah. You ain't seen something yet. What matters is what Jesus thinks. He hated education. Praise K-Town, yeah. What's the circumference of a circle?

Whatever Jesus wants it to be? Yeah boom Think about it put that in your calculator Try that maps So just days into this drive the Kentucky and is found dead and some people said wanted killed him. I think he did I Mean they were just trying to talk and got out of hand. Yeah. Yeah. He just...

His very... Juan's very close friend, Adolphus Glavacki... Sure. ...said Juan took the mules and sold them to the army. So now Juan is indicted in Brownsville, but he's never apprehended. Okay. And he's got a... He likes making money, obviously, and he's okay with killing, it seems like. Months later, Juan and two of his friends are accused of robbing a wagon train and then stealing some sheep. A wagon train?

Yeah, a train of wagons. And then stealing some sheep. A lot of people are wrestling at this point in the area after the war. And Brownsville is an awesome spot to bring goods in by ship and then smuggle them into Mexico without paying a tax. OK. That still happens, by the way.

You said wrestling? Wrestling. Cattle wrestling. You did this yesterday where you actually think that I'm talking about wrestling cows. I'm hoping. What I'm doing is hoping. I'm hoping that they're coming up with characters. No one is actually wrestling cows.

It's wrestling. Yet. Yet. Yeah, it could be awesome. I mean, isn't the head of the Department of Education from the WWE? It's really not. That just happened to you. So the city is attracting those type of people who are involved in those kind of crimes and a lot of Europeans are into that and they call... Europeans committing crimes on ships?

What is this? And they challenged Mexican Texans for control of the land. And Spanish land grants, which go back all the way to 1767, are now being disputed. And a lot of Mexican Texans never even knew their rights under the treaty of Guadalupe Hildago and their lack of English puts them in a really bad spot. And several Americans just make a fortune on taking advantage of these people. Imagine. That still happens.

Just Americans making money and taking advantage of people. Yeah, that still happens. No. What? I don't think that still happens. No, what? Nah, I don't think that's fair. No? All right. We're talking about the past. Yeah, that stopped a long time ago.

Yeah. But we're going back, I mean, measles is back. Because we want it back. Because the best way to get rid of measles is to make sure every kid gets it. The dust bowl is coming back. I mean, it's all coming back. We wanted the dust bowl.

We like dust. We're into it. These are all choices. It's called manifesting, dude. I'm sorry, I'm just... You just came here to shit on... We're doing good stuff. No, I know, it's just weird for me as a Mexican to be on the other side of it. What do you mean by that, asshole?

Explain yourself. Take a Taco Bell! It's like it's weird to gloat to Americans about stuff. I'm telling you, we will figure out- That is the most reluctant applause ever. Yeah, absolutely. We're fucking here. Because they're like, yeah, you're right. Oh shit, you are right.

Mark my words, we will be climbing that wall. We're coming. If you take Mexican urine and you drink Mexican's urine, it'll stop the measles. Dave's thirsty. Right, yeah. So go down to Mexico and to El Paso and if you ask them for urine, then you give it to the young children. Dave's RFK sounds healthy.

We'll not have basils. It sounds like what happens to RFK during a full moon or something. He's fully like, I got that, that, that, that, that. That's RFK pre-worm. Yeah. It's after the bear that he dumped in New York, but before the worm. Yeah, yeah, pre-worm.

That's why he did heroin. He was like, cause I can't and then, oh. Oh, sweet Jesus, that's fucking good shit. It definitely was the worm who was like, I'm a heroin addict too. He was like, well, that's not very good. So he just likes that one vaccine? No. He likes that one vaccine? Hehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe He's now concerned about his mother land, and he goes to this mass meeting in

Brownsville on February 2nd, 1850. There's speakers there, and they're like, Texas has no claim to this territory. And then everyone at the meeting signs a petition to create the real grand territory, which would be separate from Texas. But they're being duped by land speculators, basically. And it's a big scheme. And so Texas now creates a commission to look into all the land grants.

Right. And because the whole thing, it goes back to the Spanish game. And then they're like, this is ours. And then the native Mexicans were like, what the fuck? And now there's hundreds, I don't know, hundreds of years later, somebody else is like, oh well, that land is not for the Spanish anymore, now it's for the Texans,

and then the Texans are like, well, what the fuck is happening, and I don't know, it's still going on, it's weird, I'm confused. You should be. That's where we want you. Yeah, that's exactly where we want you. That's right where we want you. We're gonna take, cause you guys got the cartel, so we're going to have to take a lot of land

and make a buffer zone. So we're going to have to take a couple hundred miles. About 600 mules. That area is actually going to be called the Taco Bell Strip. Taco Bell Strip, all right. And you'll like it. You'll come to enjoy the bean burrito and the bell beaver. Have you had the Doritos shelled burrito supreme?

I actually have had a Doritos taco loco, whatever. Yeah, locos. I'm ashamed to admit that I actually liked it. Okay! We are finding common ground here. But I think it's just because I lack melanin. He is a very white Mexican gentlemen white Mexicans exist we are called white chickens and we are also the worst no I have seen I have seen the the white Latino all over South America

where they seem to be in charge of everything, which is interesting. Hmm. We're still not letting you in. Nice try. You cannot come in. Nice try. Son of a bitch. You got too white. Juan's mother, Estefana, had to hire lawyers to fight for her land against claims now being made by these rich Brownsville guys.

And the judge rules for her, but that pisses off the rich guys so much that the judge was impeached. Wow. That still happens. Yeah, it does. Imagine. But she still has to pay for the trial defending her own land. That's crazy.

And she has to use some of her land to pay the lawyers. That's perfect. And his ex-buddy, Glavecky, remember Adolphus? Right. Stood as a witness as she signed away a portion of her Brownsville land for $1 to the guys who had sued her, even though she won. Right.

So it's perfect. Yeah. She's still... Yeah, it's the American way. Yeah, they win no matter what. So Juan is fucking pissed at this conspiracy that's taking place, quote, vile men in a secret conclave who took Mexicans' land. And he does not believe the new Americans and the Mexicans could live in peace.

So Brownsville's Anglo merchants wanted to create a free trade zone. These people always... What about a free market? Filibusters wanted to create a republic of Rio Grande in northeast Mexico. So that's a private country they wanted to make. Juan's cousin, Jose Maria de Jesus Carvajal. That was actually pretty good. Wow. Bam!

Yep. So, Carvajal becomes the leader of a separatist movement bankrolled by merchants and he raises an army of foreign men and promises to return escaped slaves to Texas Cool. Oh my god So he starts taking over towns. He's just a separate militia sure right and Juan defends matamoros when they attack and Carvalho is defeated. So he beats his cousin. Nice Matamoros when they attack and Carvalho is defeated. So he beats his cousin. Nice.

In 1855, Juan resigns from the military as a lieutenant. And Brownsville is now a boom town. And laws were made to make it more civilized. Did that work? That never works. And one can't ride animals on sidewalks, and bathing is now regulated in the river. Wait, what?

We're making laws to make the place more civilized. You can't ride your fucking pig on a sidewalk. And what's this last one? You can't just bathe in the fucking river. Oh, you can't. Still, come on. And they tried to cut down on rowdy parties. Jesus Christ. Let's fucking kill that shit at like 10. Yeah. Right. Well, if there's no rowdy parties, I'm not gonna bathe in the river. Why would you, if

you're not coming from rowdy party, why would you ride your pig on the sidewalk? Yeah. Is it riding pigs? Is that what they're afraid of? I'm assuming. I don't know. I don't think I've ever heard of Mexicans having rowdy parties. I don't think that's a thing. I don't think anybody here has a neighbor who has like, band music playing at 3 in the morning. No.

You mean the culture that turned the accordion into a rock musician? Yeah. How the fuck did they, god damn teenagers, made accordion rock? It's actually not bad. It's not right, but it's not bad. It's not right. It's definitely not right. Not a lot of Mexicans took part in the city government, even though the population was mostly Mexican.

The local priests called the rich in Brownsville, quote, the scum of society. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. We celebrate that. Of all the rich, the one Juan came to hate the most with his ex. The one Juan, what? The Juan Juan hated the most. The one Juan that came to hate the most with his ex- The one, one, what? The one, one hated the most. The one, one, that came to hate the most was his ex-friend, Adolphus Glavacki. I knew it.

The one who said he murdered a Kentucky and stole the livestock and then fucked over his mother. Yeah, that motherfucker, yeah. Yeah. Glavacki was in local politics. He'd been in a bunch of different offices over the years. He was city alderman in 1857. But so many people didn't like him when he was city alderman that the council passed

a resolution calling for him to be removed. So they had to pass a law to get him out. Yeah. That's a good law. He's like, no. No. He's a dick. Yeah, right.

Okay. So when- He was that much of a dick. They're like, no, so he wasn't that much of a dick. Yeah. Yeah legally you fucking suck Get out Everyone who agrees that Adolphus is a fucking boner get yes. Yeah, I hate that twat. Come on Can we legally call him a twat? Yes granted, but be respectful Don't overuse it Actually, no, we can't, because I can see the look in your eyes right now,

and you're going to abuse the privilege. I want to ride it on a Cybertruck. No. We call that riding a pig down the sidewalk. So when Glebecky and Juan had been friends he had helped Juan's family with legal and financial matters but Juan hated the conflict of interest during all that and he once charged him with mismanagement and waste of his aunt's estate and by 1858 they're now just pure fucking enemies. They just fucking hate each other.

Nice. And Glebecki went before a grand jury and got three indictments against Juan for cattle stealing. One was a quote, Brown spotted frisly-haired cow. Yep, we know the type. Yeah. A brown frizzy. Absolutely.

And Juan began saying he would kill. I know it's kind of stereotypical, but everything's been brown so far. Here we go. Sport brown, Brownsville, brown cows. I haven't noticed. I don't hear you. I don't know what you're talking about.

All right. No, it's fine. Jesus. It's not all about race, dude. Oh, jeez. You're in America, okay? We're not all about race. Yeah, please. Do not make this race war episode about race. Yeah. Whew.

It's about the new city's rights, right? Yes. It's about the free trade zone, man. Of course. Yeah, it's about the free market. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So what if we're painting the black parts of our cows in this country? Don't worry about it. It's fine Those are just the spots. It's just what we're doing. We're whitening them. Don't worry buddy angel cows All cows are angel cows now

Juan began saying he would kill a dolphin on sight nice now. There's a lot of inequality in the area There were the rich guys mostly white who dressed really nice and then most of the population of Mexican and poor they're dressing rags They're living guys, mostly white, who dressed really nice. And then most of the population are Mexican and poor. They're dressed in rags. They're living in huts. Juan is a ranchero. And he dresses nice, but he's related to the poor. And political situation, very tense. And elections had a tough time.

I'm sorry, but is he a brown savior? He's a bit of a brown savior, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Elections have a ton of fraud. In 1850, 21 votes were cast before the polls opened. But that's fine. That happens.

You get a start. That's a pre-vote. That happens. No, that still happens in Mexico. Yeah, it still happens here. Yeah, that's just classic. Oh, there's already some in here. Oh my God, I already won before the ballots opened. in Mexico. Yeah, it still happens here. Yeah, that's just classic, like, oh, there's already

some in here. Oh my god, I already won before the ballots opened. That's such a relief. That's like Putin. It's an honor to be a president again. The election's next week. It doesn't matter. In Ramarino, a judge took the ballot box home at the end of the day.

That's fine though. You're flagging that sort of stuff. Didn't that happen in Florida in like 2000? It happened in Ohio in 2004. Oh, yeah. Both times George W. Bush won. Oh, yeah. He didn't fucking win.

Guys, look. We like winners. He won, obviously. Look how good of a job he did. Now he paints dogs in Crawford. Sorry everybody, we like him, we do like him. He's great, thank you for him. Should I just take the hat off now?

I think it's going to his brain, yeah. It's just exposed brain. I'm fine. Careful, it'll make you a secretary of health. So for elections, Mexicans would claim to be Americans, just on and on. It's just tons of shit. So Anglos are still mostly winning elections though, and Juan became involved in importing Mexicans to vote. This is truly like exactly what Trump has invented.

Yes, it is. We got a guy and he's bringing a bunch of Mexicans to vote and they're voting for the liberal Democrats. They're putting five to 10 of them inside of a donkey bringing them across the you see it a bunch of times they're voting with drugs they're bad hombres they're all named fentanyl you've seen it a hundred times I was talking to the CIA they said we don't know what to do. There's so many of them. I said, what can we do? They said, you gotta nuke the border.

I'm both horrified and amused. So we're building a Taco Bell. Oh God. And we're paying for it? The Rio Nachos Belgrande. With a dipping sauce. And we're paying for it? Fuck that. The Rio Nachos Belgrande. Hehehehehehe. With a dipping sauce. Didn't he do like influencer marketing for like a can of beans last time around?

Yeah, he did it. It was Goya. Yeah, I thought. He was like, Goya's unbelievable. So he hates beaners but not beans? I don't get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can say it, okay? Can you? Can you say it?

I shouldn't, but I can. You're allowed to. It's very disappointing. When Dave said it backstage, that was offensive though. He had no right. He had no right and we again are sorry. He had no right. He had no right and we again are sorry. The dial-up is brought to you by Squarespace. Yeah, Squarespace of course.

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The templates look great. I mentioned it's easy to use because if dummies like us can do it, then I think anybody can do it. I can't. I'm not allowed to drive cars But like everything's there The way it's set up to just go in and pop stuff in pop stuff in and change stuff and and really just set it up It's super easy. Even my father could do it Is he does he use it? He's no longer with us My god, did this take a director

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Yeah. You're a good boy. I'm tired. We are also brought to you by Rocket Money. Look, a lot of people aren't aware of how much you spend each month. Do you know how many subscriptions you're paying for right now?

Many. Many, you can't name it, right? There's no way you can name a number. No way. And especially if you have like two people in the family, like sometimes my wife, I'll be like, oh, I canceled Peacock because we're not using it. And then all of a sudden I go back and look

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Oh boy, how'd he do it? I just like to say stuff to make you respond when you're bending over and plugging things. No, it's nice, it's good. My neck is, I'm getting a rogueneck. If you've got a goal you'd like to save for a rocket money, analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put a little extra money aside. Do you think Luke just came in here and just kicked every cord out of everything? Yeah.

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The whole nature meets city vibe. It was perfect by day three Like Phil was like can I crash here and I was like no you have a home But he did. And, uh, and that's really when it hit me that someone had to be hosting this place that they weren't even there, but they're making money while we're just sitting out on the dock, drinking coffee, watching geese, having a good laugh with each other. So if you've got the space, it's a practical way to earn some extra cash to, you know, go towards whatever. Car

payments, cat food, groceries, whatever, without it taking over your life. It's flexible, it's on your schedule, and it works around your lifestyle. Whether you're at home or you're off visiting your own fill in another city. So if you've ever thought about hosting your own place, this is your sign. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. I recently went to visit my buddy Phil in Ontario a little while ago and he was like, oh yeah, just come over, stay at my place. You know, and I was like, buddy, love you, but probably not gonna do that. So I ended up

booking an Airbnb in like the village of Chippewa right on the well well land I believe canal and Yeah, it was awesome. I had like there's like a little dock there were big windows Yeah it was awesome I had like there's like a little dock there were big windows the whole nature meets city vibe it was perfect by day three. Like Phil was like can I crash here and I was like now you have a home but he did and that's really when it hit me that someone. Had to be hosting this place that they weren't even there but they're making money while we're just sitting out on the dock drinking coffee watching geese having a good laugh with each other. So if you've got the space it's a practical way to earn some extra cash to you know go towards whatever car payments, cat food,

groceries, whatever without it taking over your life. It's flexible, it's on your schedule and it works around your lifestyle. Whether you're at home or you're off visiting your own fill in another city. So if you've ever thought about hosting your own place, this is your sign. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. There's a newspaper in the area called the American flag newspaper. The American flag newspaper?

That sounds like the MyPillow guy had a paper. Called the flag of America. Quote, an hour before the election they are fast friends. Mexicans, my very good friends. An hour after the election, they are a crowd of greasers. Oh, yeah, sure. That's fine. We're sorry.

It's not your fault. No, but we didn't mean it. It's cool. We love... Look, you're not just greasers. You're great. No, no, it's okay. It's fine. It's your fault. I mean, that doesn't mean it. It's cool. We love. Look, you're not just greasers. You're great. It's OK. It's fine.

I mean, that doesn't happen anymore. It's not like candidates nowadays tell people, oh yeah, we like you, and then forget about them when they win, right? Not in this country, my man. Nope. Nope. Fire everybody.

Everybody's equal. It's called socialism. It's called communism. It's called what? Anarchism, I don't know. Sorry, I'm trying to look up the pictures because they disappeared on me. I mean, I get to go back to Mexico.

It's your problem. Never thought of, imagine 15 years ago, hearing that, I get to go back to Mexico, people would be like, what? Now we're like, take me with you. What's it like? Is that calm? What the fuck?

We saw your other tabs, Dave. The rest of my pictures didn't load, so whatever. The what? The rest of the pictures didn't load, so just fucking deal with it. So we're gonna be, well, if we're going to be on one picture, I think we all want to be on it. We're going to be on this guy.

It's a good picture. So free alcohol flows. There's also intimidation and force of the polls. So Watt now becomes so, through his working with the election guys, he becomes so influential that in 1859, he's appointed to the county democratic committee, even though he's still under indictment for murder and rustling.

Wow, criminals in office, huh? The Democrats too. Yeah, and now a lot of Mexicans are angry as their land is being taken through legal maneuvering and debt seizure and terrorism. So at the whole place- I like the vets on the list. You know, debt, staff, terror, it's all worth just figuring it out. I'm sorry, were the Mexicans burning Teslas or something?

Why? To dare. Yeah. Yeah, they were. Even back then. Even back then, yeah. On July 13th, Juan rode into town to go to a saloon in a restaurant that he often went to and in the street, he saw town marshal Robert Shears, who was an ex Texas Ranger, pistol whipping an old Mexican man who had once worked on Juan's mother's ranch.

Now Shears is from Kentucky, had a bad temper, he was known for chewing an excessive amount of tobacco, and squinting his eyes in an annoying way. I think really that's the worst part of it yeah. That's it right there. It's the Clint Eastwood. Yeah. Used to be cute. Yeah. Then it got like weird. Yeah. Like the pistol whipping fine but the squinting I mean. He might not have known what he was his eyes might have been closed and he might have just put his gun might have jammed or something. We don't know. It's also, it's also, yeah.

Don't even look at me like that again. It's also very sunny in Brownsville. Like, yeah. It is, it is sunny, yeah. Yeah, he gotta get a squint on. Juan asked him why he was beating the guy. That's a really funny first start. Like, instead of stopping it to be like, what's going on?

That guy's face is smashed. You broke an old man's head. And Juan didn't like the answer, so he quote, quote, Juan, he answered me insolently and I punished his insolence and avenged my countrymen by shooting him with a pistol and stretching him at my feet. Viva Mexico! Easy does it, Eduardo. I'm sorry. Easy does it, Eduardo.

I'm sorry. Easy does it. I don't know what got into me. And then Juan pulled the beaten man onto his horse and rode out of town with him. And as he did, all the Mexicans jeered. The Marshal was not dead. Arriba, arriba. Wait, what? The Marshal was not dead. Arriba, arriba. Wait, what? Yeah. Yeah.

The Marshal would recover, and Juan rode to Matamoros. And then a 25-man posse was put together to hunt Juan. But by the time it came to ride out of town, only five would go. What happened there? Just cold feet? Or they just were like? They're scared of Juan. They're scared of Juan. They're scared of Juan.

OK, right. Juan Cortino is now a hero to poor and underprivileged Mexicans on both sides of the border. And he was indicted in Brownsville for attempted murder. So he brings his family to Mexico. And in Mexico, he is now given a captain's commission in the Federal Army. Yeah, I get it. to Mexico. And in Mexico, he's now given a captain's commission

in the Federal Army. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I get it too. He starts recruiting men and he's suing out 100 men. And he swore to get revenge on the sheriff and every man who had joined his posse. Oh shit, so that's why the 20 didn't show up. They're like, technically, I did not do it. So that's why the 20 didn't show up. They're like, technically I did not do it. So, uh, yeah.

So, Glavecki is now deputy sheriff and he's pretty sure Juan just wants to kill him. Oh, what gave it away? Yeah. Was it the part where he said, I'll kill you next time I see you? Or when he tried to kill him. I see you or when he tried to kill him No, no, I'm a mixed signals it's weird. Yeah. Yeah on September 20th 1859 Juan Cortina and 70 men crossed the Rio Grande at 4 a.m And his men would become known as Cortini's cortini's tus cortina's tus yeah, yeah Curtiners yeah, yeah cortini's does this yeah, and they entered Brownsville shouting quote Viva Chino Cortina

Yeah, that's fine. What's Chino mean Chino? Yeah, it's a pant. No Chino is like a Chinese. Yeah, it's a what Chinese whoever has like a You know you're lying if their eyes are vaguely Asian We call them Chinese in Mexico. I'm not proud of it, but it happens. Are you being serious? I am being serious. You're fucking serious right now?

I know, no, he's setting a trap for the whites. Don't fall in it. I am fucking serious. Nice try. No, I am serious. No, no, no, no. I am serious, yeah. So they're running across the border going, go, chink?

What the fuck's happening right now? That's the end of the show. Not tonight's forever. I thought... So much for the good guys. Look, we're not all perfect. Okay. Well...

Jesus. Los Siento? I don't know where to go. I don't know how to... I don't think you're allowed to be racist. Is that correct? I don't know where to go. I don't know how to... I don't think you're allowed to be racist. Is that correct? I don't know how it works.

I really... It's wrong. It's wrong. Yeah, okay. We can do it. Just to be clear that... Oh yeah, sure. It's kind of a philosophy here.

No, I mean, for some reason we just... Anybody who has like... My wife has like squinty eyes. I don't think we're allowed to have this conversation. I'll be honest with you. Your wife has squinty eyes. I don't think we're allowed to have this conversation. I'll be honest with you. Your wife has squinty eyes? I don't think you're allowed to say that at all anymore. Yeah, I don't know if that's a term, but like.

So do you call a Chino around the house? No, I don't, but. You're thinking it all the time, aren't you? You're just sitting there thinking Chino Chino. You disgusting racist. You're worse than a white, and I'm a white. They used to call my mother-in-law, Chena. What the fuck is happening?

That's just China's pronouncement properly. Because she had, no because we have masculine and feminine forms so Chena is for men, Chena is for women. Oh yeah, I love how your racism is even gender-conjugated. So what if you call me? If you're going to be racist, at least get your grammar right, Gareth. If you call, hey, hey, Gina, um, it's Gina. Get it right. It's insulting.

I'm a woman. Respect their pronouns while you're being racist, please. I'm a MILF. I am a woman. Respect their pronouns while you're being racist, please. I'm a MILF. Oh my God. I am a Gino. So where were we? Why are we walking around with pants? Like the Gino, what? We shouldn't be doing that.

No, none of it's good. That changes everything. No, these are my racist pants. Yeah. Hey honey, you see my racist pants? I wanna go troll some people. You see my misogynist shorts? The ones that camel toe ride up front?

Want to go troll the lives at a hot dog stand We're mamoose knucklers. Oh my god, Mexico was doing so well up until now We need to build a wall Guess who's gonna build that wall if it gets built Cheenos Guess who's going to build that wall if it gets built? Chino's. No! Not the Chino's! Jesus Christ! Dude! No!

No! Don't say Chino's! No, they just- The Mexicans and the Americans agree that Chino's should build the fucking wall! They did build the railroads. Stop talking! they did build the railroads in what pants Mexicanos yeah they were wearing Mexicanos Mexicano pants I'm just gonna curl up in here and uh yeah see you. Well that's why it's great that these rotate.

So you could sort of, it's kind of like the voice. Mine doesn't. Dave, when you say something I like, I'll turn around to see who said it. Viva Mexico! Woo! Anyway, where were we? Well, we were just coming together in our horrific racism.

Yeah. There was just a race off. That, I mean, that just happens when you get three guys together on stage. And they also chanted, Maran a los gringos. Oh, that's racist. Maran los gringos. Los gringos? Kill, kill the gringos, I think, right? Que chingan a suron los gringos. Los gringos? Kill the gringos, I think, right?

Que chinguen a su madre los gringos? What's happening? How do you say kill the gringos? Yeah. How do you say it? Say it into the microphone. Kill the gringos. Maten a los gringos. Say kill Whitey. Say it. Maten al blanquito.

You're way too comfortable with that. What? I'm sorry, Dad. So the poor of the city joined the attack and Juan's raiders were in small parties of four or five each with a specific person they were seeking to kill. So he just hit squads, yeah. Yeah, he's got squads, death squads. So they tried to raise the Mexican flag over the town,

but they couldn't find a rope. What? Imagine. Yeah, the whites had all the ropes. I'm sorry, what? They're in use. Or pending use. We're having a great rope shortage. Glovacki hid in a store on Lebby Street as the carnistas took guns, ammo, booze, and

horses from homes. He kept control of Brownsville for a day and then he rode out of town. He was now the first man to strike back against the racist society that many Tejanos believe was evil. I mean, you got to fight fire with fire, right? I agree. Yeah, but then we look at it like someone came at us with fire out of nowhere. What the hell happened?

We were sitting around doing nothing. Our fire's allowed. That night he gathered more than, more men on the border, about 200, and said he wouldn't attack again if he could bring his livestock and personal property into Mexico. But also that he would quote, kill those who had offended him once the opportunity offered. See, that's quite a second part of that. I want peace, just allow me to cross the border in peace.

Okay, we will. Plus I have a kill list and I plan on hitting him. I'm done with the bullshit. Retribution, I think it's called, right? Yeah. Alright, that's cool. Men came to negotiate, but Juan was very adamant that he was going to kill his enemies. That is so great. I mean, we're really talking.

Remember, this guy is 5'6". Have you ever seen a Chihuahua? Have you ever seen a little Chihuahua dog just barking at a pit bull or something? I have. 5'6". I mean, I'm like slightly taller than he is. Like, have you ever seen a little chihuahua dog just barking at a pit bull or something? I have. Five, six. I mean, I'm like, slightly taller than he is. Like five, I'm like six, two.

No you're not. See, that's why you gotta get to the metric system. God damn it, yeah. You're lost right now, baby, you're lost. Yeah, I'm five, eight, it's fine. I do like going over to negotiate with him, and he's like, I'm going to kill him. So what if you just- I mean, remember when he talked to the wagon master, he choked him near to death.

Yeah. Oh yeah, he turned, yeah, he was like on death's door. He doesn't take shit. No, and he killed the other guy too. So when he rode into Matamoros, he was greeted as a hero. And then he issued a pronunciamento. Pronunciamiento. Pronunciamiento. Pronunciamiento.

Ironically, pronunciar is also how you say words. So it's like a proclamation, but it's also like the same word is used for how you pronounce words, which you not pronouncing it right is just amazing. You know, I really feel like I'm living inside of Duolingo tonight. Why? Let me tell you something. I do not expect here to be treated like this

in Trump's America. You're a white man under attack, huh, brother? This is exactly what we've been talking about. Let me ask you this. The way I pronounce it as a white man is the way it's pronounced! Okay. Anyway, uh, he said something and then... That's the way a lot... When you take them out of the bubble and they say what they say, they're just like a weirdo shouting, like, Alright, Grandpa, uh, look, get off the chair.

Because they tried to take it away from me! I'm a white! Alright, sir, listen, this is a Cracker Barrel. Sit down. I have waffles. Is that where they all meet? At the Cracker Barrel? I mean, well, if you can't afford Golden Corral. Yeah.

Not in this economy, Garrett. Eventually they'll all be at Denny's. So basically he just said, uh, yeah, he said, fuck everybody. And that was it, right? Yeah. Yeah. And the pronunciamento. That's better. Which basically said that he, as a US citizen would fight the land speculators and then Mexicans living in Texas would defend themselves to the deaf. Brownsville's Post... The Mexican citizens were like, we're doing what? To the what?

Hey, we didn't all the... No. I just came here for the booze and the horses. What the fuck is happening? I want to be home by four. Brownsville's Postmaster said Juan was, quote, formally proclaiming a war of races. Yeah. Yep.

Another on that. I mean, at least it was formal, you know? Hey, Luke, can I get another thingamadoodle? Thank you. I'll have one while we're having one. By the way, Luke's at our merch table back there, and we have a- Everybody say hi, Luke. Hi hi Luke. Hi Luke. Hi If you see Luke give him a snack he likes him

You heard about the snack today in the van. No. Oh my god What did he do? What happened? we have a little segment on the patreon called Luke eat snacks and people send the worst things you can eat and some Sophia Lopez from El Monte, California sent... We'll never forget her name. For what she did, it was a crime what she did to us.

It's a Chinese... Chino. It's a Chino... Come on, no, no, come on! No, come on, you're married to one. You're allowed to say it. Not in bed anymore. It, it smelled before the box was opened. Smelled. She sent, it was like fermented tofu or something.

Yes. But then others... But even, it's, fermented tofu or something. Yes. But then other stuff in it. We can't do it justice. No, it needs no justice. When the seal was cracked, I almost vomited in the van. But then it was open, and it was the worst thing I've ever smelled without question. Ever. We were in a van.

Like we were not in like a location we could leave. Like it's the kind of thing you would throw in a cyber truck. And then the cyber truck would just turn into dust. So this woman sent Luke like a biological weapon. Yes. Yes. Yes. She sent him like COVID, the next COVID.

And he took a spoonful of it. He actually ate it. He tried to eat it. And I am almost vomiting. We're all almost vomiting. He almost threw up in a liquid death box. The irony. And we literally had to pull over and go to a gas station

and fill the car with air fresheners. Open all the doors, and he bought like, I'm not kidding, like 20 air fresheners. Well, I mean, we had to attack. We were attacked and we're Americans, we strike back with real force. That's right. And then we threw it out and Luke, we were like two hours later, like, it's nice the smell's gone and he was like, it's still in my beard and I could taste it I mean, yeah, well that's I Mean you are the one who put it in your mouth to be honest with you. So it's Literally a biological weapon. It was it was the worst

I don't know how you get to be this old and not know about the worst thing on earth Like there is a new category of the worst thing on earth. Yeah, it's the only thing He's not been able to swallow. And believe me, I've tested it. This is a family show. Yeah, I made a family in his throat. Oh my god, oh fuck We're having fun

so in Brownsville They said all the Raiders were Mexican and the city is now in a state of fucking panic. Yeah No one knew who to trust. They made barricades out of 80,000 bricks, and at night they built a wall. They built a wall? Yeah.

Well, isn't it amazing that the technology hasn't changed? We're still like, hey, you gotta build a, but it has to be really tall. That's all we've got. Yeah, they fuck, it's gotta be more bricks. Bigger, taller wall. Oh my God. We haven't thought of the wall tall enough. At night, the Anglos huddled in the central part of town. The American flag paper, quote, to the American press, Brownsville had become Fort Gringo. I'm even a little confused by that one. So they're trying to reclaim the word, I think.

Yeah, right. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The G word. Yeah. They sent a message to Mexican General Carvajal asking for help. And he said.

Ayuda. Help. And he sent 50 militiamen from Matamoros to Brownsville to protect US citizens. Thank you, Luke. That's a baby. Thank you. So now the.

Thanks, Luke. Thank you, Luke. Thank you Luke. You know what, now that you mentioned it, I can smell it. Yeah. Yeah. Luke, you smell a little weird. No, no, that's just a regular hum. That's his normal odor. Right, so they've asked the Mexican general for help.

He sent men. So now, Mexican military are in Brownsville to protect the scared gringos from the American with the militia. It's a little backwards. No, it's fine. It's fucking crazy. So they also appealed to the Texas state government and President

Buchanan. So more, as is going on, more people are joining Juan because he seems like a bad ass at this point. So the villages along the Rio Grande and even from the interior of Mexico all started coming over to his side. Quote, some were almost naked.

Why? Is there a reason? Yeah, we were ready to party. Playing that goddamn accordion rock. Why naked? Is that just sort of... They just didn't have any money and they couldn't buy clothes. They literally had nothing. Is that right?

I mean, I hope so. They had nothing but a dream. I mean, that's how it is in my movie. I read that script and I've told you Nothing but a dream. I mean, that's how it is in my movie. I read that script, and I've told you that someone has to have money in it. We will build a wall. No, it's a barricade of bricks. It's not a wall.

In Corpus Christi Ranchero, they said he was taking advantage of, quote, idle, vicious, depraved, thievish, ignorant, and fanatical population. Oh. Was he running for president? Yeah. Yeah. When he said all this? But he did get 6,000 in donations

from people in the Matamoros. And in D.C. and Austin, they have no idea what the fuck is happening. The border is very complicated. Imagine. I like how one guy laughed at Austin, they have no idea what the fuck is happening. The border is very complicated. Imagine. I like how one guy laughed at Austin, had no idea what was happening. The border is very complicated.

The Texas Senate wanted the governor to send a thousand Texas Rangers, but the governor's not sure if he should do that. And by October wanted taking his army to his mom's land. Which sounds like a really weird thing. Yeah. I'm gonna take the army to my mom's land. Mommy, here's your army. His motherland.

Motherland. Yeah. You mean Mexico? I agree. So he sets up fortified camps on his mom's land. It doesn't sound manly. Sorry. He sets up fortified camps on his mom's land. It doesn't sound manly. Sorry. He sets up 40 fortified camps on his mommy's land.

Better. And he- Say on his milfs land. It's not as, he's not fucking his mom. Hey, come on. But somebody else was. Yeah. Some of us are getting there in a different way.

Let us go, babe. And they even set up groups and they would take control of local villages. He spends a lot, most of his time in Matamoros where he just walks down the streets and is treated as a hero. And then Brownsville concluded they are safe and the Mexican militia leaves. And then the sheriff and Glavacki arrest one of Juan's best friends near his ranch and Juan said if he is not released he would quote lay the town in ashes. So let him go that's what you do you let him go without question. Let him go. Yeah you're not like well I don't know this guy seems like a

fucking wimp. Yeah and in Brownsville people said they would rather die than release him. So Juan attacks. He attacks with 40 men in broad daylight, just shooting into the town. Did he attack just the Juan time? It's literally all I keep thinking about. The amount of times I was like, uh-huh. Yeah, there was just one of them. I'm asking you to just release my Juan friend.

It's Juan friend. And the mayor had gotten a howitzer from a steamboat. What? It's how you fucking do things. Yeah, you go to the boat and you go, can I get a machine gun? Absolutely. We're a steamboat. Why wouldn't we have a howitzer out here? Here you go, can I get a machine gun? Absolutely. We are a steamboat. Why wouldn't we have a howitzer out here?

There you go. Anything else you want? Grenades, nukes? And he asked the Mexican military for help, and they brought a cannon. Well, not a howitzer. So the Brownsville Public Safety Committee, who are just basically rich assholes, created the Brownsville Public Safety Committee, who are just basically rich assholes, created

the Brownsville Tigers Militia and they put in charge a Scottish sailor. Fuck yeah they did. What the fuck is happening? I'll tell you what the fuck is happening. This shit just got fucking real. What? It makes perfect sense. I mean Juan was barely starting to understand American English and then you sent this.

There's no going to be a problem with any accents in this one. I'm speaking perfectly clearly Juan. I think you can understand every part of it. You speak right on it. What is this guy saying? You what? What are you saying? No, I don't understand that much,

but listen, what you gotta do is come around the back. That's the zone, mate. Then looking up that way, you come back around, you go, oh, no, nothing like that. No, seriously, what the fuck are you saying now? No, nothing like that. No, you're talking about anything like that. You gotta be like that. Right, you should what the fuck are you saying? I'm not having a sod, nor are you talking about anything like that. I've got a bit like that.

Right, he's come round the corner, he's got a bit of squint, and you go, oh my God, what have you got, a bit of a chin-o. Wow. Don't say wow to me like that, I'm allowed to say I'm married to one. It's absolutely bloody fine, isn't it? Anyway, what was he up to then? Got a bit of a snakey, boys, isn't it? Anyway, what was he up to then? Got a bit of a sneaky boys, haven't I? Tell you what, you want to find out if it's authentic Scotsman, have a look underneath

see if you've got the real saggy bagpipes. Bad news mate, the humidity's not played well upon me. Christ almighty, I've got to sit down there for a fucking orchestra I'll tell you that much. Have a look see. Oh sick and tired of me talking are you. Thank you back of your little thing then. Go on. Again I am both impressed and horrified. So they are joined the Brownsville Tigers led by the Scottish guy, are joined by 75 Mexican militia, and they attack Juan at his ranch. And the howitzer and the cannon fail. I can't believe we've been unable to do it with the weapon stats they say.

This has never happened to me before I must be nervous. Got a bit of stage fright. Let's just rub each other's backs. Unfortunately before we got near his house I shot everything all over. So nervous. It's a compliment if you think about it. I was so excited to take him that when I got there I just finished right into the hill. Give me 10 minutes to reload maybe we can have another go yeah let me have another shot please you promised me a Lugness monster well what can I tell you you got a baby shark

apologize so they attack Juan at his ranch the howitzer in cannon fail and they push the howitzer into the river to stop Juan's men from taking it. That is where you know you're fucked. Yeah you're just dumping shit into the water. Hide the weapons from the other guys. Hide our best weapon from our opponent. The Tigers muskets wouldn't fire because it was drizzling. Oh my god that's so fucking sad. By the way I've had that happen before as well. I need to have a dry condition. Otherwise the musket won't shoot properly.

That's kind of, it's a paradox, right? You have to be dry to get wet. Oh, is that, well, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, absolutely, chafing, all that, yeah. You want the right amount of wet, but too much, all of a sudden you're slipping in and out. Don't know where you're going. Bing bang back door, oopsie poopsie.

Oh, it's happened. It's happened. Oh, they're about two inches apart, you get confused. Sorry about that. Don't blame me, that was God's design. Oh, you should have put one in the center of the chest if he wanted it to be clear. Life's a bloody riddle and so are the genies.

The genies. The genies. And they let this guy run the army? Aye, trust me. What? I'm just really hard. Did this guy run the army? Hey, trust me. Whoa! I'm just really hard. Yeah, because that's what he needs, encouragement. You think that guy's, even when that guy dies,

he's a zombie, okay? Trust me. So, they also discover that their carcheses are too big for their muskets, so they end up fleeing in panic. A tiger quote, our men commenced arriving in town, some on foot, others on horses, mules, and asses, almost, sorry, mostly double, and many of them without arms.

So they just fucking. There was just one guy who rode in on a pig. It was weird. Yeah. I rode in on a fucking arse once with no arms. Junior college. In the battle, Juan Cortina had lost two men and several were wounded.

The Tigers lost one man. The Cortinistas pulled the howitzers from the river and several were wounded. The tigers lost one man. The cortinistas pulled the howitzer from the river and had the cannon. I mean, in retrospect, tossing it all in the river isn't really great. Like, they were like, oh, we got it, it's in the river. Maybe it was a bad idea to have a Scottish sailor lead the land fight.

You watch your fucking mouth, mate. I'm sorry. I thought the river would take the whole it's a fire down there. They also got gunpowder and other ammo. Now, Juan told the squinting sheriff and Glavecki to meet him on the battlefield, or quote, I am about to march upon the town and have sufficient force and artillery to batter down the houses.

And then he started shooting off the cannon every morning at six a.m. to freak out everyone in Brownsville. That's how you do it. Every morning he's like, he's fucking trolling me. He is showing off. All this led to more recruits joining Juan's army. And they came not just because they hated the gringos, but also because Juan is very charismatic and a leader.

75% are very poor men from Mexico, and they fly the Mexican flag at his camp, even though it's American. Oh, they found rope. Nice. Yeah. It was in the river. Get rid of this as well. Actually, I might go under for a bit. The river's magic.

The Brownsville Tigers went to Corpus Christi and said crazed Cortanistas had taken Brownsville and executed all of the tigers. Sorry, a Brownsville tiger. So one guy goes up to Corpus Christi and is like, ready. It's a slaughter. Everybody's dead. They're eating the dogs.

They're eating the cats. The one sending the most paranoid messenger, they're eating dogs. They took our jobs. they ate the cats, one of the guys ate me, I'm dead. And then that guy founded Water Burger, yeah. So headlines now spread across the world and the Corpus Christi Guards militia is quickly formed and the editor of the Ranchero warned a quote, idle, vicious, depraved, thievish, ignorant and fanatical population was on the loose and they must be crushed.

I think he missed some adjectives. I think he didn't use them all. Fucked, bullshit. They believe Juan had 900 men who swore to kill every white man and take all land up to the Colorado River. It's just disgusting. When you hear about that sort of racist shit, it's just so right. Yeah, it's just taking white men.

You guys have been through so much. We have. I mean, people keep trying to take the stuff we took. It's like, stop. Yeah. Stop it. It's not fair. This is a classic story of how we try to be nice to Mexicans.

Yes. Right. And then they're all making it about race. We give you the gift of Taco Bell, and you reject it. Lo siento. We accepto. We accepto. You're... What about fucking Del Taco? What about fucking? What about Del Taco?

Nobody likes Del Taco. What the fuck? I got bad news. We got the biggest Del Taco. Oh, is he the one guy keeping it in business? Yeah. He's the one guy. How dare you.

How dare you. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, is he the one guy keeping it in business? Yeah, he's the one guy. How dare you. How dare you. Oh my god. He walks in and they wake up off a cot, and they're like, oh shit, someone's here. Hey, how are you? You know this isn't Taco Bell. Oh, cool. Alright, what do you want?

Yeah, we're excited. Uh, writers were sent to communities all over the West to warn them and find volunteers. So they think he has 900 men. They think he's a giant army. The New Orleans Daily True Delta paper, quote, we are being warned upon by atrocious savages who would as soon beat out the brains of an infant as shoot an undoubted spy. It is a war upon the American race and its full extent no one knows." So you guys have had the same

press secretary since then? You gotta love how we turn America into a race. Like, also, like, we are the... Well, that's what they won, right? Just the one race? Yeah. I mean, it really is nuts. It's nuts. I mean, the American way... No, it's pronounced nueces. I'm sorry. Sorry, nueces.

Yeah, nueces. It really is nueces. Thank you. No, no, no. Gracias. De nada, huh? So now all so now all over Texas they're envisioning this murderous Serapis wearing Mexicans coming to kill everybody and

Plans were made to me. Honestly, it's because the Serapis or Serapis are so comfortable Like you really feel like wanting to kill somebody when you put on one of them were made to invade. I mean, honestly, it's because the Serapis or Serapis are so comfortable. You really feel like wanting to kill somebody when you put on one of them. Say it, Dave. I don't know if you've seen Clint Eastwood, but those are ours. If you've seen.

Don't Chino. Don't Chino on me, motherfucker. I don't even know what we're allowed to say and not say anymore to be quite honest with you But but those are ours like we took them back in the 70s in the Westerns We took them you took him back. Yeah, and then we didn't reclaim them because we're like, oh, yeah sure You can have them. I mean exactly and now we now we wear them in yeah, sure, you can have them. Exactly. And now we wear them in Sedona. Exactly, you can keep them. They're ours, bitch. He's trying to trick us.

No, they're ours. Yeah. We took them. Yeah. We won. USA, American race. We won! USA, American race! We won! I'm scared.

It's pretty straightforward, dude. Everything we do is right, everything you do is wrong. Just fucking admit that you took a L. No, it's okay, I'm sorry, dad. I don't know why I'm getting angry here. I mean, I don't know, it's crazy. I'm fucking furious right now. It's the hat. The hat's not helping. I'm getting angry here. I mean, I don't know. It's crazy. I'm fucking furious. It's the hat

That's not helping. I'm pink hot right now, dude So people are making plans to invade Mexico and then on October 16th John Brown attacked Harper's Ferry, Virginia and In Texas they thought this in Texas. They're like this has to be connected to Juan Cortina's race war. That's so fucking... John Brownsville. God damn it, they're attacking us whites everywhere. A white guy attacking whites like, oh no, it's airborne. Wait, the same guy that went to Corpus Christi went up and said like, they're attacking Virginia now, what the fuck? And then wildfires break out across northern Texas.

Oh, that still happens. And the San Antonio Daily Herald says, this has to be connected to the race war. Were they just wildfires breaking out for no reason? I like how they're so afraid of somebody that's not them. They're so afraid of somebody who's not white that they turned him into a wizard somehow. Yeah.

He's just starting fires from a distance, from hundreds of miles away. I don't know. It's amazing. The Mexicans have a dragon. Yeah. Yeah, it's just like Alex Jones is the first guy to put it online.

They've been like, they've been doing it the whole time. You know, you got these Mexicans now, they're running like rampant. They got big old wizard staffs and they're shooting their wizard staffs. They turned, John Brown, last name Brown, not a white guy, obviously. They turned him into a looking guy. He's a shape-shifting, all right, he's a shape-shifting man, obviously. They're lighting fires. They're doing it. John Brown Mexican. They're coming here. They're taking our taco bells. They're rejecting them. Taco bell, by the way, new pizza gate. I think I like this Scottish guy better.

All right. Still a problem. All right. It's not a problem. Can't you see in the next couple years that they think that Mexicans are invading through tunnels under Taco Bells? Couldn't you see them saying that? Yes. Oh, no joke. A couple months ago, about half a mile from where our studio is, they found a tunnel. People were just being smuggled

down there it was fun. We lost the revenue stream but we'll recover. So an old general decides it's time to take action and to send troops from Fort Leavenworth Kansas to the border. This is an old general? Yeah, like he's- Kansas is already getting into it? They always are ready to get into it. Right, yeah. Well, time to crack the knuckles.

We're back, boys. But three days later, he messages Washington DC and says, no, actually, it seems like none of that stuff is happening. And he called the rumors, quote, mostly false. But the Texas Rangers are already on their way. OK. Have you read the room?

Yeah. You're about to learn some things. We can't read. Oh. I forgot it became illegal this week. We can't read the room anymore. Alliterate the room. So 60 Rangers arrive outside of Brownsville at 11 p.m. on November 10th and blow their

bugle and the good people of Brownsville then start shooting at them. That still happens. Checkmate, bro. So Ranger had to sneak in around the back and get into Brownsville and he explained that they're actually Rangers and then they were quote, hardly welcomed by the citizens. We're on your side. Oh, all right, sorry. Want some Taco Bell?

Yes. That night, Juan's friend was dragged out of his cell by a cra- Remember he has that friend who got arrested? Yeah. So he was dragged out of his cell by a crazed mob and they lynched him in Market Square. And the Rangers are like, we have nothing to do with it, but later it was learned that

they were completely responsible. More groups of men calling themselves Rangers then begin arriving at the border. And Juan laid a trap for a group of Rangers who thought they were pursuing a small group of men, but there was an ambush. And three Rangers are killed. Several Cortinesis are killed. I was about to woo, and then I remembered I'm in Texas. You read the room.

It'd be amazing if it was the baseball team, though. Nolan Ryan's just like, Nolan, you're out of your element. The catcher's just like. In revenge, the Rangers attacked Santa Rita, burning homes and chasing out women and children. Nice. Got them. Yeah. I mean, they're to blame, right?

All the time. Like, oh yeah, what do we do? Oh, I know, let's go burn their homes. Yeah. Well, look, when we save women and children, it's a big deal. But they're also, you know. Wow. Well, I'm just sick of them not counting the men. It's always women and children.

What about the white man? How many white men died? Go ahead, read the thing. None. Hurry. No, no, let's just take it in and move on. It's fine. Okay.

Give me the iPad. I'll read. No, I will go with what my friend here says. The Rangers prepared for a large attack thinking they would easily take out the Cortinistas at their main camp. The Rangers had to pull back in confusion and disarray and fled down the river while being chased.

How's it going? As they fled, the Mexican army was on the other's river bank and shouting, viva Cortina, and waving the Mexican flag. Viva Cortina! Imagine winning a battle and there's just guys on the other side like a crowd like... Showboating! Woo!

It's like you're Patriot fans. It's Philadelphia all over again. The Rangers attack the next day. Again, they're repelled, but now the U.S. Army is on the way. And the president has decided it's time and Juan sent out another pro... Pronunciamiento. Pronunciamento to fire the people up to fight, to avenge their loss and land in the killings. Quote, many of you have been robbed of your property, incarcerated, chased, murdered,

and hunted like wild beasts. So the local papers are horrified by this piece that he put out and said an army was on American soil under a foreign flag. And the court tenises just keep raiding farms now and taking livestock. It's retribution for all the... Wrestling cows?

Yeah, yeah, they're wrestling cows. It happened. I bet there were those masses, too. It finally happened. Yeah, finally. Fuck yeah. When the army arrived, they combined forces with the rangers. Now they have their far superior weapons.

But when they go to fight the Cortanistas, a heavy fog hits and no one can tell who is who. And much of the fighting- Oh, they couldn't see race anymore? You can't see anybody. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. It's our worst nightmare.

Ha ha ha. We are all equal. Oh, fuck. Shit, I can't tell who's dark and who's regular. Ha ha ha. Rogan said this would happen. Ha ha ha. The book of Rogan was regular. Rogan said this would happen. The book of Rogan was true.

Maybe it's time for us to take an opportunity to recognize that we're all the same. No. Okay. We'll kill that one. So much of the fighting becomes hand to hand,hand and the court to nice the army is routed Many were killed a bunch fled to Mexico Fled to Mexico and want to go left of his man and continued to retreat up a river and the Rangers were quote Burning ranches and farms along the road friends and foes. Oh friend just like yeah, the Rangers are just fuck you They're just assholes. Sorry. I'm just surprised the road, friends and foes. Oh, friends? They're just like, yeah, the Rangers are just fucking-

Fuck you! They're just assholes. Sorry, Keith! I'm just surprised the Rangers have friends. They murdered anyone who they thought was sympathetic to Juan. Oh, fuck. And Juan's men are also burning and plundering as they go. Both sides are just destroying everything.

Perfect. Yeah. Oh, are just destroying everything. Perfect. Yeah. Oh, are we doing both sides now? Is that what we're doing? Look, there are fine people on both sides. Nobody's saying that they're... An army major quote, the whole country from Brownsville to Rio Grande City, 120 miles and back to the Arroyo, Colorado has been laid to waste.

And then Juan fled to Mexico. No, he gets to go back to Mexico. We deported him. He's been deported. No, that's fine. I mean, he was received as a hero, yeah. Tomorrow, you're deported. Oh, no, I get to go back Deported please let us say we're deporting you

Us with this weird pride I get to be deported back to Mexico what airline is deporting you tomorrow And do you have a connection during your deportation? No, it's a non-stop from Southwest, it's fine. Southwest deportation. Southwest, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Southwest.

You are now not free to move about the country. So it's a thorough US victory. And when word reached Matamoros, there was a large demonstration where they shouted, death to the gringos. In Texas- Muerte a los gringos. Muerte a- oh wait. I like how there's a few people here who understand what I'm saying.

They're really excited. Some people are very excited. A shocking number of people are like, yeah, kill us. Ahorita nos vemos afuera I'm saying. They're really excited. Some people are very excited. A shocking number of people are like, yeah, kill us. Kill us, kill us, hurry, hurry. It has to happen, it has to happen, soon, soon. In Texas, they call it a great victory for civilization. Fuck me.

Wow. Unreal. And they believed peace would now return. Return? It wasn't even there in the first place. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. But Cortinistas remained active in Texas. They still had a lot of support of Mexico,

and it becomes a guerrilla war. And most people in the Valley still supported and aidedrilla war. And most people in the valley still supported and aided Juan Cortino. Most of the Mexican military still supported him, and Juan was seen in Matamoros walking about freely and recruiting men. And one day, shots from a riverboat rained down on a ranch.

Hello! Guess what, baby? Ay, Dios mio. I dug up a hole inside. Now I've got toys. Oh bloody hell, the boat's taking on water. Shit! No! So it...

I died and now I'm a zombie. Is it all in your head? Yeah, it's right. He just wakes up, he's been bitten by a weird fly. Oh no. Ah, the craziest dream. Push the hell out around the river. So shots from a riverboat rain down on a ranch as it's passing and men at the ranch start shooting back. Turns out it was rangers on the riverboat, but word spread that an innocent riverboat was attacked by Cortanistas. And that leads to 40 Rangers invading Mexico. So this gets the filibusters excited.

That still happens. I don't want to say it anymore. This gets all the- I took no pleasure in saying it anymore, but it still happens. Yeah. Well, you know, your fault. This gets the filibusters excited. Your head has slowly dropped to the other side.

I'm sorry, Dad. Every unmotivated attack. So filibusters get excited, believing it means war, and then they can start crossing the river to seize ferry boats and taking land, and the US Army has to tell them there is no war and they have to stop. Please? I mean, just say that again, because that sounds insane.

The US Army said, the US Army had to tell them to stop? Yeah, because there's a bunch of filibusters. The US Army intervened with peace. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, the US Army's like, all right, calm down. No. When the US Army tells you to calm down. Violence doesn't solve everything. We're the Pentagon. So, it's the worst shape. So, it is a weird one we came up with. Too many sides. Not in war.

So Juan is basically dragging Mexico into a war with the US and Mexico sends General Garcia to arrest Juan and the general comes back to Mexico City and said, quote, he saw nothing of Juan. But he also told the Americans where Juan- I know. I think, I believe he said, I saw no Juan. That's a great one. But he also told the Americans where Juan's camp was, and so the Rangers crossed the border

again. Thank you. That made up for the woo over there. Finally. Good. I'm getting them on my side now. Thank you. Gracias. Juan by Juan. Oh my God, that is so funny and so racist.

I'm allowed right now. Take it easy, Chino. But they confuse the Mahamoros Mexican National Guard with wands men and attack them. So the racial- Do the wheels look the same to you? No, no, no. There was a fog. There was a fog, motherfucker.

It was one of those fogs. They got over there and they're like, look at all these goddamn wands. It's a fog. It was another one of those racial fogs. Fog of war. And then the Rangers stole all the nearby livestock they could and went back to the U.S.

So it's just, it's a crime. That's just a massive crime. Shocking. Next, the Rangers crossed the border and attacked Reynosa, but there were no Cortanistas, just angry villagers and the Mexican National Guard telling them to get the fuck out of Mexico. That's war. So, everything's getting super chaotic and the Rangers- It's barely getting chaotic.

Wow. Just started. Yeah. The US has to respond and they decide to send Colonel Robert E. Lee. Oh fuck. What the fuck? I got this.

This'll solve the racism problem. I heard there, did somebody order extreme racism? Ha ha ha ha. Allow me to put a little oil on the racial fires. So Lee gets there and he demands Mexico arrest all Cortanistas. And an army major said the Rangers were clearly trying to start a war and at Reynosa they shot at any Mexican going to the river for water. And then the city put cannons in position

to fire back at the Rangers. Viva Mexico! Ha ha ha! This is like Rocky IV. We don't take no shit, unless you tell us to take it. Ha ha ha! So Sam Houston is sworn in as Texas Governor. And hold off.

He does say that Mexican Texans are being stereotyped as criminals and that they're actually quote good and true citizens who should be treated as such by all Texians. But? Dave, why not Texicans? That's what it said in the thing. I don't know. Texians pops up at some point. Texicans?

Texians. Texians? Yeah, that's when back when they were like their own country, right, where they wanted to like be their own thing. Is that what it is when you guys were your own country you were Texans immigrants from America that live in Texas were Texan okay yeah so do you want a mic okay so the oh the tech show off so the Texans not for long you're not You've been dozed sir

So all the immigrants into Texas or Texians The high hanos, I don't think you're allowed to say that term, sir, but thank you for trying. Whoa! Okay. Now explain chinos, motherfucker. You racists. Oh, they're lazy? They're slacks. They're slacks.

Wow, Unbelievable. It's crazy. It is crazy. It's what happens, man. Mexicans get into the US and they forget where they came from. So Houston sends commissioners to the border and people are not very happy about that. Sure. The people thought they would negotiate with Juan, the commission. And people in Brownsville just want vengeance.

They don't want to negotiate. They're also shocked to learn the Rangers, quote, were burning ranches and hanging and shooting Mexicans without authority by law and are more dreaded than Cortina." So the commission comes down to find out, like, what's this fucking Mexican guy doing? And they find out that the Rangers are actually the problem. That still happens. Yeah. Well, like, what's more shocking, that it's happening or that they're surprised that it's

happening? What? And many filibusters had actually come from around the country and were there and ready to invade Mexico, which included pro-Southern men who wanted to turn Mexico into a slave empire. That kinda, we kinda.

Yeah, we call that outsourcing nowadays. Ha ha ha ha ha. But also, at the same time, Juan Cortina had inflamed deep-seated anger of many lowly rocheros. So the commissioners quickly concluded that if something was not done, the situation would turn into a quote, war of the races. Again? We want that.

Yep. They believe the US should take possession of a large border sections of Mexico to stop it. So their solution is like take over. Oh, their solution was to make us the 51st state. Part of it, yeah, to take a bunch of it. Yeah. You're welcome. It's like what we have to do with Canada right now.

No, I'm no longer welcome. That's the problem. Oh, sorry. I misunderstood. I apologize. You're not welcome. No, it's that will. Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. I apologize. You're not welcome. No, it's that will they won't that we have with Canada right now. The legislature gave Houston authorization

to raise a Calvary, and many congressmen wanted Houston to act and, quote, punish Mexico, which I agree with. Always have. Oh, punishment. Always will, always have. The solution is always what punish Mexico Yeah, always punish Mexico. I mean worst case. It's something to do. You know I mean you guys don't know this

But they charge me a tariff for this beer It's actually somehow you're paying for it. I don't get it. It's gonna work out I don't get it. It's going to work out. Trust me. We're paying for your beer, but we're going to be tired of winning. Exhausted. But then the US Army headquarters sent word to DC in mid-March that Juan Cortina had left the border, and the war on the Rio Grande was over. So Houston had missed his window to invade Mexico.

Oh no. It's sad. And he stated, now he had to state that filibusters gathered there were in violation of the law and saw the filibuster start drifting north and they're sad. And then the Rangers started also moving north and Texans learn of all the devastation that has happened on the Rio Grande Valley They had burnt San Arito and Rancho del Carmen and rumors start that they had violated Juan's wife and daughter and

Though Houston confided in a State Department man sent to observe that he was still itching for a war with Mexico He wrote to the president quote all sent to observe that he was still itching for a war with Mexico. He wrote to the president, quote, all that prevents Governor Houston from moving on Mexico with a major force is money and a justifiable pretext. Oh, they wanted to actually justify the thing. In our own way. In our way. In our way where we're like, oh yeah. If he had kept up fighting, Houston would have invaded. He would have gotten his invasion.

But now the Mexican military is cooperating with the American military. Juan Cortina moved his family into the Burgos Mountains in the south. And the Mexicans promised the US they would find him and arrest him. And though pro-war papers tried to rile things up, an American officer wrote in July 1860

that the Rio Grande Valley was, quote, perfectly quiet since the departure of the Rangers. The paper still blamed any crime that occurred on Juan. And Juan, however, joined with a little army of Benito Juarez to fight against the conservative army generals Miguel Miramon and Leonardo Marquez. And for now, there would be no war with America. Right, yeah.

You know, actually, the city where I come from is named Juarez because of Benito Juarez. The guy that he went to fight with. Really? Yeah. You named him Benito Juarez? Yeah, because, I mean, he became like the savior of Mexico. He was an asshole in he was also tiny but At some point during the revolution because we had the Mexican independence in 1810 and then by 1910 like, you know Benito Juarez was like right there by the middle

But then when the revolution was happening in 1910 because we had some asshole dictator for a while I don't know if you know what that's middle, but then when the revolution was happening in 1910, because we had some asshole dictator for a while, I don't know if you know what that's like, but... But the capital of Mexico kept moving, and for a while Ciudad Juarez was the capital of Mexico. Oh really? Yeah and then it went downhill. Literally? Yeah.

You moved it downhill. A little bit. Yeah. I mean I'm pretty sure the Mexican history teacher knows it better than I do but. Is he right sir? Oh he's Texas. Oh yeah you're a Texas history teacher. So now he's not in line with you anymore. He's like easy. Build a wall between our friendship. A brick

barricade. So the source was Cortina defending the Mexican name in Texas by Jerry Thompson. That's hilarious that there's a guy named Jerry Thompson. Hi, my name is Jerry Thompson and let me tell you about Gortino and Mexico. I've really got this down. I mean that's just what is called the Gortino War, but you could actually do, I mean it goes on for like then there's more fighting and stuff and the Mexicans are fighting amongst the Mexicans. Let's do it.

These people seem, let's... It's like, at some point I just had to cut it off because it's just like, it doesn't even, it stops making sense. No, I mean... I don't know who's fighting who anymore. Wait, unlike now? Did it ever make sense to begin with? Unlike now, it makes a lot of sense.

It makes so much sense. But yeah, we almost went to another war with Mexico and almost it's I'm sad that Sam Houston did not get to Have his war. I think we all are And now we're in Houston. I only have one thing to say Be my Mexico Get him! Someone else do it. I'm sitting.

Well, I think it just puts a finer point on everything that's always going on, which is that... Well, all this stuff is new that's happening now. And white people are pretty normal. Yeah. You guys are great. No, we're definitely... We don't get panicked over nothing. It's not our thing.

It's not something we do all the time. There should just be like a mass therapy where we're just like in a room like, hey, what is this? I was told there'd be marshmallows in John Cougar melon camp. And then like the door locks and it's like, you guys are you

gotta fucking deal with some shit real quick. You're gonna walk through history. This is our land. Quiet. If you come at me with John Cougar Melon Camp you understand why we invented accordion rock right? Wow now we have to invade Mexico. Now honestly that statement was an act of war and And I'll fucking dare you. Thank you guys for coming out. Give it up for Eduardo Espinitos, everybody. Gracias, Houston. Viva Mexico.

Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Gracias. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? Gracias! a five-part animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube. You can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside,

all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.