The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 703 - William Patrick Penn

Episode Date: September 30, 2025

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine businessman William Patrick Penn. Recorded live at the Sacramento Punchline SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH   Nutrafol - Use code: Dollop Hydrow - Code: Dollop

you know what i don't have a log cabin in the yukon you know what i wish i had right now a log cabin in the yukon because apparently people are flocking up there to see the northern lights like the sky's throwing a rave every night and people need places to stay and not hotels there aren't a ton of hotels up there but if you've got a spare room cozy cabin a yurt you could actually be making money by hosting on Airbnb. And here's the thing. It's not about being a super host in a city penthouse. It's about giving people a place to experience something they'll never forget and making a little extra cash while you're at it. And think of what the money could be used for. Could maybe buy a Yeti costume and wear it in the woods during your trip, make people believe in Bigfoot or affirm their

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They're crisp. They're clean. They're easy to use. You don't have to update stuff. Well, look, we've said this over and over again. But if you want to know if we really do like Squarespace, go look at any website we're affiliated with, and it is Squarespace. Yeah, look, they have flexible payments. You can just make the-

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to save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain. Hey, hey. Hey. Thank you, guys. This is awesome. We probably should have had them announce us because the energy felt pretty bad, to be honest with you. Everyone felt really confused.

But we stopped touching microphones. So, yeah, we do it like a press conference of the enormous. So, just imagine if we were giants who are declaring our eligibility for a certain sport.

So thank you guys for coming out tonight. And really, really, So quick, keep it going for us. How awesome are we? This is just crazy. We've been doing this show for 28 years. We voted for Reagan. We started the show when we regretted it,

and we're so back. Hello. Yeah. We love being back in Sack. Don't even. We were driving over and I was telling Garrett that some parts look like 1996 Russia and I think

that's pretty cool. Just a guy walking across the street. Don't worry about traffic. Just go ahead and have a saunter. No, you had that Indiana Jones last crusade, The Penitentine Shall Pass Walk. You're like, Jesus Christ, sir. There's like a whole city around you and he was like,

I got this. And everyone's like, we don't want to kill a man today. So we'll... I guess. Well, that's how you learn. And you do it once, and you're like, they all stop. Totally be careful. Yeah, it's true.

And the liquor's right over there. So you've got to, or liquor. Crack, meth. Sure. Yeah, no one's doing liquor anymore. It's all. You're listening to the Dallum. Oh, yeah.

It's an American History podcast. Oh, fuck, Luke. I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history. Luke went to the sharper image and got us. Got us a couple room deodorizers. So, you guys, it's like, The shit show ate a match. This is great.

Right in the middle of the intro is perfect, too. Right? So, so classic Luke. And then he just dropped it. Did you see it? He dropped it. And the bottom came off like, he's like, I'm Luke, smash.

How's it going? Good. Do you want to say anything? Hi, Sacramento. A sexy little voice he has. A cute little bitch. Does Christ. All right.

Action. Miss Jennymore. March 31st, 1930. William Penn Patrick was born on a dirt farm in Lees Mill Township, which is a tiny town. An eastern North Carolina. Not much is known about William's childhood, but when he was 15, he dropped out of high school, borrowed five bucks, and left his impoverished home.

Okay. What year are we in? We are in 1930. Okay. So nice. Yeah. Things are good. Five bucks is like, whoa.

Holy shit. I'm going to buy a house. The roaring 20s are back. So in his own words, quote, all I had was the clothes I could get into a car. board box. Didn't everyone say that in the 30s though?

And that's how they all say it like everyone was like all I had was a handful of clothes one mitten and five dollars and now I'm and now look at all these potatoes. His father disagreed telling Newsweek quote he was no poor boy.

That's what I'm saying. They all fucking did it. It was like either the snow or all I had I had in my arms. His father told Newsweek He was no poor boy. He left home because he wanted to. Yeah. So Patrick says that during his adolescence, he was, quote, a very scared young man.

I'm still scared about some things, but the only way to remove fear is to attack. Shit. So it started off, I was like, that's every teenager's experience. I was like, well, that's not how I felt. I was like, I'll do theater. He's like, you need to kill people. So we're going with Patrick, that's his name. Yeah, yeah, Patrick.

So he joins U.S. Air Force. Oh. He served in the Korean War and rose in the ranks to become a staff sergeant. All right. Which is... Like a manager. That's what I, whenever I worked in restaurants, that's what I would call the manager. You're the staff sergeant.

Stop calling me that. I will disobey your order. So this is probably where he developed his lifelong obsession. Here we go. Here it is. Yep. Go ahead. With planes.

There we go. Not, all right. Especially. Uh-huh. Fighter planes. Okay, okay. But Patrick did not fly a single mission in the war because he was in the veterinary service. that when he got out that must have been so confusing for him to be like i'm a veteran veterinarian

what did you do uh i worked with cats and hamsters yeah i served in korea i was a vet veterinarian veteran veterinarian so call me a vet vet vet yeah so uh i was what we call a pedinarian i uh Do I mean you petted the... No, like I worked with house pets, but I have since been discharged. For... Uh, what was I discharged for? Yeah. Being slow at thinking of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Animals were used in the Korean War by the Air Force. By the Air Force, mostly dogs to guard bases. And they did try a... Mostly don't. What else were they used? It was the snakes. And foxes.

This turtle. And they did try... Look at all these shells. That could get confusing. Over time, think about it. They did try a pigeon-guided missile once. Dude, I read, I told you about that on an episode.

That is the craziest shit in the world what they were doing. Do you have what they did? No, I know. They put pigeons in missiles, and the pigeons were, like, trained to, like, keep pecking towards the X. Yeah. And so, like, the pigeons would be like, All right, all right, doing good.

It was like, you fucking, no, it's over. How many times would a pigeon fly a mission? I don't think they did it too many times, because I think, and they were like, they're not focused enough at the end. So by pecking it, are they, what's the, is it pigeon powered by pecking? No, well, no, it's just dropping,

so the pigeons are just in it, but they're, like, moving it closer to the X that it wants to go to. So they drop it, and then the pigeon is like, someone online is going to be like, Garris Flick-Morren. But they were, like, moving it towards the target it was going for by trying to, like, peck at the X, and it was, like, controlling it a little bit. That's cool. You're allowed to react.

You don't have to apologize. That's okay. People are cool. You found it interesting, which I liked. I like the things that humans. come up with. And I feel like B.F. Skitter came up with him. Maybe I'm also crazy.

But Patrick didn't have anything to do with the animals. His job was to make sure the food was clean. Jesus Christ. What a fuck. This is the job you want in the war. Yeah. Cleaning the animals. They're kibbles ready. Yeah. Did you wash it?

For sure. Shined it up good. I shined it up nice. You should see how shiny that wet food is. Once his time in the Air Force was up, he moved to Sacramento to go to college. You're definitely going to do with that. Which he did not love. Home of the A's. Quote, we're not, quote, we're educated not to believe in ourselves, and most people are afraid of life.

Fortunately, the education didn't take. Swear to God, every time I'm done with this guy, he pulls me back in. The education did not take. I'm allergic to stuff. So, when he was 20 years old, he came up with a master career plan. Here we fucking go. Which you do at 20. That's how you do it.

For sure. First step, become a multi-millionaire. Boom. Step two. Enjoy the fuck out of that. Step three. See step one. Fuck on.

Second step, become the governor of California. Boom. Suck it. Third step, the White House. Boom. From there, he began a string of failed business operation. Boom. Step one and a half.

Step point five, fail a bunch. Step four, run this subway into the ground. Step five, get asked to leave this subway restaurant. Step six, I stole some baked lates. Step seven, I'm banging the empty bag of lays. I got lased. Step 8, Sheriff. Step 9, made a faecal poster in my cell.

A fecal poster? Step 10, looking for step 9. Do you know what businesses are? Step 11. Figure out what business. This is a... Okay. Step...

Ah. Step dad won't bail me out. So, he sold pots and pans to people on a military base. It's just... Next president. Do you guys need any pots and pans? No. What about you guys?

Any pots and pans? Buddy, get out of here for the last time. You guys just came back from the war. Would you like a pan? Are you guys looking to baby bake some pastas? Or a soup? I can clean your rabbits' food. Step 15.

Oh, no. Is he old now? Oh, yeah. After the pots and pans, he ran a gas station. More straightforward. I mean, that's way, like, going on a military base to sell pots and pants. Then he went door-to-door selling jewelry.

See, now we're back. That's... Then he ran a wig shop. I got to say, as funny as it really says a lot about the job market back then because now it's like, do you want to do DoorDash? Back then he was like, hey, I sell pots of pans, I ran a gas station, now I'm a Wigsman. He failed at everything he tried, a dozen of more ventures, he just kept failing.

So Patrick now thinks that he is a loser. Well I feel bad for him But also You know Until one day At the age of 33 When he walked by a garage sale

In San Rafael California Oh shit That's where I'm from Right near where I'm from A garage sale Changing your life is nice You ever been to a San Rafael garage sale?

It's no fucking joke All right Ask you to Calm the fuck down. There's no fucking joke. You guys have your little... You guys have your little Wisconsin garage sales.

Would you like a casserole pan? What the fuck? First of all, that's an estate sale. Nobody's selling that when they're alive. People in Wisconsin are laughing so hard at you. Selling a casserole pan. Believe me, if you sold it, it would be called a casserole, because that's what's rolling in.

Thank you. So some women were selling an industrial amount of fruit-scented cosmetics. What? Where are we headed? Oh, my God! It's like I fell into gold! I thought this guy was going to, like, fly a plane into something.

So a fruit. Scented cosmetics? Fucking ain't right. Okay. How would you like a banana mascara? Oh. Step 42. Strawberry lip glass.

So they had a company, Zolene, and it was going out of business, so they were liquidating everything. However, despite all of his business failures, Patrick was able to pony up 16,000 What the fuck? Today's money is about $166,000. This garage sale is like, Jesus Christ. Act calm, Joyce. Act calm.

He bought... Yes, that's a fair offer. Absolutely. Good negotiating. Step 51. Fucking idiots. So he buys all the and he starts a new company.

Holiday Magic. Holiday Magic had nothing to do with Christmas. Its inventory consisted of fruit-laden products like strawberry frape-cleanser. Strawberry frape cleanser. That is so confusing. It would be like putting out my fruit. Like, this is strange.

Moon Magic Face Powder. Fruit-Tang skin toner. Why does each one of these keep sounding like something below the belt? the belt. Wait, the moon powder's for your face. I put on some tang magic. It burns.

Of course, lemon, delight, eye, and throat oil. Throat oil. Yeah, girl. That sounds like a little piece of paper that would be like an ad out of playboy. Throat oil. That's interesting. Hey, what do you do with throat oil?

Oh, you just got to. You gotta throw it down your throat, you throw it in your throat. It really keeps your throat nice and moist. Well, it's pretty moist in there already because it's... Oh, buddy, you think that. I remember I used to be like you and I was like, yeah, my throat's fine. No. It was like sand in there.

Then I started using holiday magic lemon-scented throat oil. Yeah. I swear to God, I'm swallowing cucumbers without chewing. I went down to the construction side They're putting an extension on my house for free Wait a minute Yeah What does that have to do with his truck?

Well, it's just it slips down there And those guys are kind of pervy So sometimes I just go down there And I'll just swallow hot dogs or cucumbers Without a bite Just to this things glide down Like they're a bullet train. and they come up the same way, too.

Holiday magic. Okie-dokey. Instead of a more traditional business model, Patrick went with something different. At the top of his organization were the holiday girls who would go door to door or throw makeup parties for board housewives. Oh, wow. What a nightmare. It's upsetting.

Ready for a party? Come on, everyone. Let's use some throat oil. Use that man in your bushes. Step 61. Ah! A holiday girl could spend

$4,500, or around $35,000 today to become a master distributor. So it's a pyramid scheme. So he started a holiday magic pyramid scheme. It's just $35,000 and then I just have to get ten people to do the same thing

under me. Doop to do to do. That's the magic. They had, and then they all had their own team of holiday girls. Above them were general distributors who had a team of master distributors. Hold on. What's that for me? No, no way.

Keep going, because it's sort of starting to slim down, roll wide. And to get there, it would cost you today's equivalent of around 70,000. Uh-huh. One level up, there is a small group of the best salesmen who were now executives who had salaries of 100,000, which is around a million in 2025 money. Right. And sitting at the very tippy top was Patrick. Right.

So there's one guy at the top And then a few And then a dozen and then a bunch And then a shitload and then the rest Yeah Structurally, that thing's not going anywhere That's the foundation I can live with

There's an ad in the Miami News Quote How would you like to make $108,000 this year In your spare time Nonsense? No magic holiday magic to be exact

okay yeah I'd be like oh no what do you want to make a hundred and eight thousand part time sure

chug this lemon throat oil where you lost me ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you want to go out of my boat well that's no what it means

I keep fucking up this part Yeah Sorry you can make money I got confused I don't I'm not going out on your boat Are you nodding like I don't know No no I'm certainly out That was crazy

But I'm still here Because this era's the worst Thanks to this unique business model And it is unique at the time Is it? That's the fuck You gotta love that. The first people that came up with the pyramids came up. That's awesome.

These people are idiots. So Patrick didn't need to give a shit about how much makeup he sold. The real money was coming from the people who wanted to sell it. Oh, fucking genius. And with the promise of making $100,000 a year, they were lining up to pay for the privilege. And he wrote to his employees about their arrangement in a company magazine with a piece called Sovereignty.

Sovereignty. Quote, measure your independence against the salaried employee of any company. Compare your growth, your income, and your opportunities with their security. Would you like to be limited to a salaried security and menial mediocrity? I doubt it. Would you like to be limited to a salaried security? Is so funny. Yeah.

Would you like security? Yeah, yeah. To know what I'm going to make? Absolutely. That sounds really good. Would you like security? No. No, no.

I want unpredictability. Live out on the edge, wherever you can fall apart at any moment. Give me a security of roulette. You could be really rich but have the floor ripped out from money at any moment.

Wow. Okay. Wait, you're the guy about the boat earlier. Now! Did you consider the throat? Yeah, I thought about it. Oil? Yeah, my husband said that's fucking crazy.

Not that I only listen to him. I'm also very independently minded. I have so many cucumbers to get rid of. This triangle-shaped business model was unbelievably successful. So he started countless other companies with the exact same business model.

Oh, fucking awesome. Awesome. Selling clothing, vitamins, door-to-door fuel additives. Like everything. Door-to-door fuel editors? It's called diesel sprinkles. This is... You know how Jimmy's make ice cream?

better, that's what diesel sprinkles do. You're going to love that. It's Jimmy's for the car. You know what your boat needs is some lemon oil. There we go. How many times if you wished your exhaust was a rainbow? Well, with the new Sherbert fuel,

you can get just that. So Patrick instantly becomes a multimillionaire off of the companies, especially holiday magic. And he disavowed, writing checks, only spending cash from the wad in his pocket, which was always around, quote, oh, $10,000 or $15,000. Notice they put a pyramid on money? Because the whole thing's fucking bullshit, dude.

Oh, my God. You bought, hold on, you bought into a fucking, we're the fucking bottom of the pyramid scheme, dude. And there, his president's not even the top. He's at the executive level. We don't even know the motherfucker who's at the fucking top selling us the fucking holiday magic bullshit. So just think about that. Like, we'll get back to the story

and enjoy the fuck out of tonight. But when you leave, I want you to think about that a little bit too. Why'd they put a pyramid on this shit? Because we're scum-sucking pieces of shit who just bought into it. We're sucking the cute... Go ahead.

Feels like I'm starting to lose something. Go ahead. At the end of the show, we're going to announce our new doll corn, by the way. We have to do that. Oh, it would be so funny. It would be the crazy. Would anyone alienate their fan base faster? Then it would be like, hear us out.

The dollb coin would just, when they set them out, they do this. Ours would just go, what the fuck? Yeah. What is this shit? I'm going to be like, shit. Having accomplished step one of his career plan, he turned his sights towards step two, running for Governor of California.

Wow, he's going for him. Awesome. In 1966, against Ronald Reagan from the right. Oh, shit. Well, slow down. Dare I say that's a little whack-a-dood. And he got under 2% of the vote. That's awesome.

It's a heavy number. Huh? It's just a big number. Yeah, that's great. He blamed his electoral disaster on one man. Mervyn D. Field. What? That's...

What are that, son of a bitch. I can't... Cannot wait to find out why this fucking little guy, Mervyn. Wait, what do you mean? He's blaming you. Why? Mervyn ran the California poll,

and Mervyn had Patrick polling at around 1%. And Patrick thought the slanted poll was convincing people not to vote for him. Think about it. It's very Trumpy. That's like that Iowa poll that he, like, sued over. It's very, like, people saw that I was doing shitty, so I did shitting.

Besides himself, Patrick started telling people that Mervin had been paid off to bury him with terrible numbers. Love that this guy's like, he's foolish, he's taking money to lie to people. Anyway, here's my lemon-scented throat coat. Go door to door. Mervyn's suit Patrick for slander

and easily won. Patrick said that made no difference to him that he couldn't find any evidence, he still believed Mervyn had sold the slanted pole. So Mervyn's lawyer then read aloud a passage from one of Patrick's sales pamphlets, quote, anyone who not listened to the truth and accept it is dishonest.

Not me, I wrote that shit. Fucking idiots. The jury ordered Patrick to pay $300,000 to Mervyn, which is $3 million today. Just nothing to him, though. No, he's got so much money. Good for Mervyn though I hope this was pre-3 million

because it looks like a goodwill man again That's actually about the same amount that Patrick spent on his campaign of his own money where he lost to Reagan by one and a half million votes It's a lot Well

Patrick May lost the election but he wasn't done influencing politics as a rich ultra-right guy. Yeah, see, that's the thing, you don't need to run. You just pay them, yeah, yeah. Imagine some fucking rich prick. Isn't it

very quickly? How fucking crazy do you have to... Shut up if you want to. How fucking crazy do you have to have been? You know what? Get back to the story. Fuck them.

Yeah, you assholes. You're missing important information. Not just the weird thoughts of a tired boy. Hurry up. You want to do your little thing that you're anything? Let's do a Squarespace ad. He famously declared at the meeting of United Republicans in California that Supreme Court Justice Earl Warren shouldn't be impeached.

He should be hanged. That same week, he sued the AFL-CIO for 51 million of damages because they called for a boycott against his company for his right-wing views. Holy shit. He also started palling around with Robert DePuille. of the Minutemen the Cold War's first large-scale right-wing paramilitary group. Wow. That's fun.

Oh, cool. You gotta get, you gotta get a, you gotta get a paramilitary group or... What a valuable piece of information to the story. I bet that'll come back. sure glad I was here for it I don't know if I've ever seen a lady with a more but who gives a shit

looking like that she doesn't care I will be honest it was startling I feel like I walked out on her show So the Minutemond Minutemen stated... Minutemond.

The Minutemond. It's the first reggae paramilitary group. It's the first reggae right-wing paramilitary group in America. I'm Ronald Reggae. Well, pass to the left.

Or should I say the right? We're going to fuck up the unions, Ma. I don't think you're terrible. Their stated purpose was to use guerrilla Warfell to repel the communist invasion that they believed was happening everywhere from the White House to your house. I just can't. Oh, my God. So what is it like every three years we do it?

I mean, they just, right-wing people would just sit down and go, As everything collapses, they're like, you can't let communism come here. Things might get bad. Careful, easy doesn't. A popular stick it, stick it, a popular sticker of theirs read, quote, See that old man at the corner where you... Nope. See that old man at the corner where you buy your papers?

He may have a silencer equipped pistol under his coat. That literally is what they ended up doing. They just keep, they're like the cheating dude who's like, you're cheating on me. Like, you're doing the fucking thing. That's one of those stickers too. You'd be driving and you'd be like, I've got to pull up to read it and be like,

why did I do? Fuck this guy. See, that guy on the ride, he's got a sounder pistol under his jacket. That old guy. Oh, that was not done. That fountain pen in the pocket of the insurance salesman that calls on you might be a cyanide gas gun. What about your milkman?

Traders, beware! Even now the crosshairs are on the backs of your necks. What was... Who was this for? This is still the makeup. All patriotic Americans! This is still the guy who's selling, like, uh, lip gloss and shit? Well, this, this is the group that he's now...

Yeah, but he's like still... Yeah, right, okay, so... Yeah. So, yeah, so just... Just normal stuff. Also, are you interested in buying some lash lifter? Sorry about all that stuff about the fountain pet having cyanide inside of the end of it.

DePue introduced Patrick to George Wallace. Oh, my. Yay. Oh, wow. But for me. Everything's going to be. KKKK. At least he had our style of microphones

for the show tonight. Holy fuck. An insanely racist, segregationist, Alabama governor to be his running mate in 1968 under the Patriot Party ticket. Oh, fuck. But sadly, it fell apart

after Patrick didn't make good on his promise to fund the opening of of a Patriot Party headquarters in every major American city. Patrick was a prominent member of the John Birch Society, whose apocalyptic conspiracy theories and unhinged activism radicalized the American right and is one of the primary reasons the Republican Party is what it is today. Awesome. Awesome.

It turned out great. It's really good. They're all dead. Yeah. You know how? Why? Commies, commies. I knew communist.

Chelsea Handler was killed by it. Is that Chelsea Handler? It's hard to tell. Yeah. Uh, I don't know. Yeah? Is that Chelsea Henry? I don't want to guess anymore.

You know what, all white women look the same to me. Oh. Oh. Oh. I think you're based. I think you fucking just snuck in there. It became cool, man. You betcha.

You betcha. Stop looking. Yeah. One of the birches he bank rolled was Dan Smoot, the former FBI agent, right-wing propagandist, who once published the newsletter, Fact Forum with H.L. Hunt. Oh, fuck. Moot. Jesus Christ. This is quite a who's who.

So throughout it all, Patrick was always writing, everything from pamphlets to poems. Poems? Yeah. Blueberry mascara. Oh, that'd be great, yeah. This poem is called blueberry mascara. Oh.

He started veering into the world of self-help, although from an individualist Anurandian sort of, way, from his palm resistance, quote, the mediocre person, the average person is, ruled by circumstances. This is a guy who went to a garage sale and bought makeup. He paid $116,000 in today's money for lip shit. And he's like, wow.

You're surrounded by like weaklings. You've got to attack. It reminds me at that time I saw some. for a rummage sale and bought a bunch of rouge you got to attack this is the guy who was selling pots and pans at a military base yeah actually they cook for us well it might be nice to fuck I bought a lot of cookware anyone made me to train a dog I don't know. The mediocre person, the average person, is ruled by circumstances.

If you are a person of circumstance, the cure for their disease is courage. Does that mean anything? Yeah, if bongos would help that a lot. It's courage. Selfishness is a normal and necessary human quality that everyone has. has and uses. That's the same... If we as individuals were not selfish,

we would never have anything. That is the same must... Come on, man. It's poetry night. It would be hysterical to go to a poetry night and read his shit. People are like, I don't know, man. Listen, cats, I got some stuff

that's been really scratching at me lately. And I gotta get it out. This next poem is called You're Weak and Poor. I call this shiny food. Selfishness is a normal and necessary human quality. That was the pause? Yeah. But it's the same shit with the musk, like empathy is a weakness,

this whole idea. of like, you've got to attack to get everything in the world and fuck anyone who stands in your way. It's about killing everyone near you, so you have the most shit that you don't need. And nobody likes you. Cats.

This foray into self-help coincided with the late 60s, early 70s, California's self-empowerment movement, which combines pseudoscience, affirmations and sometimes tough love. One contemporary in this time was El Ron Hubbard.

Oh, good. His program was called Scientology. And that went away. I was doing a show here one night, and the feature got offstage, and he did a joke about Scientology and got offstage and walked back right there and he standing there, and a guy walks up to him and he goes, Yeah, I heard your Scientology stuff. What was your name?

Yeah. And he tells him he takes out a notebook and writes it down. Only a fucking feature comic would be like, I'll tell you my real name. It's just nice to be singled out at some of these names. How was the show? Someone asked me my name. Bring him into Scientology. This next guy is.

a suppressive person. You guys are going to, you should see this guy in the e-meter. He's got full of so many Thadens. So, uh, Luke, can you eat a little quieter? You house your chips at a slower rate. The daub is brought to you by NutraFoll. Gareth Neutrophol. number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement trusted by over one and a half million people that's a lot of people that's like a country's worth we're among them i don't believe that's small country yeah tiny maybe like uh i don't know a little like um let'senberg or something yeah that got

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Dumb-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- With Nutraful, you're going to be Nutraful on your head. we absolutely just lost that sponsor because in the best way possible that's how you go out we started high with the suppository stuff and then we take that was the absolute low point gareth you know those workouts were you finishing you wondered that that that didn't make me stronger what happened there well with hydro there's no guessing and the dollup is brought to you by hydro in just 20 minutes you work in 86% of your muscles and with the new hydro arc you can actually see your progress and it's measured in power and endurance and precision every single time you're row every time go gareth well a huge fan of hydro have been using it for probably a year

it is the it's the best it is just the best way full body such it's so low impact you You do not hurt, but you burn a lot of calories. There's multiple categories, multiple instructors. Like Dave said, you've got it all right there in front of you on a monitor. It's the best. You can do 45 minutes on hydro, burn hundreds of calories, and just be like, every part of that was phenomenal. I feel it really is the best.

I'm a huge hydro fan. And now the arc introduces hydrometrics, which is the first of its kind, performance tracking system that actually measures power, endurance, and precision each time you row. And that means you can literally see your strength building overtime stroke by stroke. Hydro also backs with a 30-day risk-free trial, free standard shipping, and a one-year warranty. So skip the gym, not the workout, stay on track with the new Hydro Arc. Hydro's most advanced rower yet. For a limited time, go to Hydro.com and use code Dob to get $100 off any hydrororo

or including arc, that's H-Y-D-R-O-W.com. Code Dullop. Yeah. You know what I don't have a log cabin in the Yukon? You know what I wish I had right now? A log cabin in the Yukon. Because apparently people are flocking up there to see the northern lights, like the sky's throwing a rave every night.

And people need places to stay. And not hotels. There aren't a ton of hotels up there. But if you've got to spend. bare room, cozy cabin, a yurt. You could actually be making money by hosting on Airbnb. And here's the thing. It's not about being a super host in a city penthouse. It's about giving people a place to experience something they'll never forget and making a little extra cash while you're at it. And think of what the money could be used for. You could maybe buy a Yeti costume and wear it in

the woods during your trip, make people believe in Bigfoot or affirm their belief. I mean, you could even fund a home renovation project you've been dreaming of. So your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.com slash host. The dollop is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, Dave. Of course, our friends forever. We've been using Squarespace forever.

We love their websites. They're crisp. They're clean. They're easy to use. You don't have to update stuff. Look, we've said this over and over again, but if you want to know if we really do like Squarespace, go look at any website we're affiliated with,

and it is Squarespace. Yeah, look, they have flexible payments. You can just make the... Flexible employees, too. Those people are... It's weird. You can make the whole checkout experience seamless, very simple, very powerful.

They do credit cards, Apple pay, all the stuff, PayPal. They do it all. You can sell content. You can sell your exclusive stuff right on their site, buy on the paywall. You sell memberships. You sell courses, whatever. You can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website.

Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this. Okay, keep going. And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting and receiving payment. Am I allowed to speak? Because I think that's a good point. No. Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace. com slash dollup to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm going to say it again. Go to squarespace.com for free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. You know what I don't have? A log cabin in the Yukon.

You know what I wish I had right now? A log cabin in the Yukon. Because apparently people are flocking. up there to see the northern lights, like the sky is throwing a rave every night. And people need places to stay, and not hotels. There aren't a ton of hotels up there, but if you've got a spare room, cozy cabin, a yurt, you could actually be making money by hosting on Airbnb. And here's the thing. It's not about being a super host in a city penthouse. It's about giving people a place to experience something they'll never forget and making a little extra cash while you're

at it. And think of what the money could be used for. You could maybe buy a Yeti costume and wear it in the woods during your trip, make people believe in Bigfoot or affirm their belief. I mean, you could even fund a home renovation project you've been dreaming of. So your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.com slash host. The dollop is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, Dave.

lawyers our friends forever uh we've we've been using square space forever we love their websites uh they're crisp they're clean they're easy to use you don't have to update stuff look we've said this over and over again but if you want to know if we really do like square space go look at any website we're affiliated with and it is square space uh yeah look they have uh they have flexible payments uh you can just make the flexible employees too those people are it's okay You can make the whole checkout experience seamless, very simple, very powerful. They do credit cards, Apple, pay, all the stuff, PayPal. They do it all.

You can sell content. You can sell your exclusive stuff right on their site, buy on the paywall. You can sell memberships. You sell courses, whatever. You can sell stuff. I'm doing a ropes course on my website. Is that what we're talking about? I feel like we shouldn't have you on this.

Okay, keep going. And if you're a business, you can manage your clients and invoices, vetting, and receiving payment. Am I allowed to speak? Because I think that's a good point. No. Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com

slash dollup to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm going to say it again. Go to Squarespace.com for free trial. When you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com slash dollup to save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain. So Patrick, uh, he's. set of my name mind dynamics

quote a program that purported to increase people's IQ improve their reading speed relieve pain speed the healing of injuries and increase extra sensory perception take bigger shit shoot bigger loads everyone's going to like you more

with my new everything will be better pill trust me give me a fucking money you're going to be rich and you're You're going to be rich, and your knee's going to stop hurting. Everything will be good. Your shitty neighbor will die. Your good neighbor will be more cool.

You're both going to get that other neighbor's house. Yeah. Your grass will be taller. You could smoke it if you want. If not, it becomes the police and bust the people who looked at it. Yeah. So they would do this by teaching clients to turn on their alpha brainwings. You got to turn on the alpha brain.

The Joe Rogan experience will be remembered. What would you do if Joe Ruggins has to have you on? I don't think I want to give you my answer. I'll fly myself to Austin, Mr. Rogan. Did you see that he had Bono on? It was... And then Bono said something, and then he immediately went on Twitter. and called him an idiot.

I mean, he's right. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It's like, that's the perfect zone because you're like, well, I'm not going to stand up for Bono. Because Bono's charities, he's like, I raise too much money to health care AIDS. And it's like, didn't you take most of it? And he's like, uh,

check your iPhone. I put an album in it. You fucking asshole. I'll never forgive them for that. Everyone was like, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. the edge hasn't spoken since so people

loved mind dynamics a senior vice president of Pepsi swore by it telling the New York Times that he is quote now able to give 40 minutes speeches without using notes and that his powers of recall of vital information have vastly improved

and you employees are like oh fuck thanks to mind dynamics your lunch is the worst oh fuck with its success Patrick set out on a new venture

by taking mind dynamics and bringing in the world of business and the new project was called leadership dynamics oh fuck it's so great now obviously this became mandatory for anyone at holiday magic who wanted promotion to attend.

I can't believe that business still exists. Okay. So everyone I had to attend for one three-day course in today's money, $10,000. I mean, there you go. Do you want to get to the top of blueberry Mountain? What are you talking about?

Blueberry mountains? Lit bomb. Okay, blueberry lip-bomb. That's different. Blueberry lotion. Are you talking about a mountain made of blueberries? Blueberry dandruff. What's going on?

What's going on? Blueberry dandruff shampoo. Yeah. gives you dandrop? Blueberry eyedrops? Blueberry eyedrops? Yeah. I don't think you're...

Have you looked at the product wine lately? That's Christ. I bought a lot of blueberries. They don't know what to do with them. Blueberry lung fluid. Leadership dynamics was first and foremost about radical honesty, bearing your deepest fears in front of a room of mostly strangers

when confronting that fear with courage and attacking it. Like we do here. You first. Well. Come on, you weak, bitch! Blueberry Mountain is a strange. But they took it a little too far.

Of course. Now, percentage-wise, what are we talking men to women? Oh, I'm sure it's... Ninety-five percent, yeah, it's got to be at this point. Like the five percent of women are like, okay. This is insane. Is that door locked, too?

Now you eat my blood. For example, a London hotel banned them, claiming they set the dance floor on fire. Well, disco had just started, Dave, so... How else are you going to learn to lead? imagine how did their business meeting go the room burned when attendees were asked to bear everything

they were asked to do it literally by getting fully nude once nude some say they were then made to beat the shit out of each other yeah beautiful how great is a naked fight club

like when you're like I think we're losing the threat of what the purpose of this organization is. Well, do you mind if at least I be naked? You can wear whatever you want, but I'll be nude. At some point, they just start punching more because they're getting hard. Yeah. This isn't happening! Now put some watermelon serum on it.

One student, quote, I was black and blue from head to toe. My cheekbone was sticking out over an eighth of an inch. inch. Not that much. Dizzy spells, continuous pain in the chest and ribs and stomach. My wrists were infected and I had continuous

nightmares. No, no, that's not an injury. Your wrist is broken. What's it infected with doctor? Look at it. It's infected. My wrists are infected. Oh, no. And I had continuous night. Oh, well, I don't do it.

According to the book The Pit, a group encounter defiled, participants were locked in cages. Wait a minute. I'm so fucking tired to saying this. How else can you become a leader except we put in

a cage and have another man pee on you? They're not peeing on each other. Whipped and peed on. No. And made to eat their own vomit. Do you want to be CEO or not? Oh my God, like, just imagine

when this land was colonized. Just taking the Native Americans to this and being like, so basically this is the plan. Seems like you guys are doing pretty good with crops and stuff, but watch this guy eat that guy's puke. It's mixed with some of his piss, but he can't reach all of it because some of it's out of his cage. This costs $10,000. I can't believe they're pissing and eating puke. They're eating puke.

I mean, there's nowhere left to go in this story, sir. This is, to me, as funny as it gets, when guys are in cages, all right, now eat your puke. Yeah, yeah, all right, good, good, good. That's some self-made gruel there, boy. Oh, shut the fuck up. This is insane.

I'm not writing it. This happened. I literally saying what they did. But how great to piss on a guy in a cage, if I'm being honest. You like that, you little weirdo? There you go. There's a little lemon-scented throat coat for you. Some were told they thought they were dead to the possibilities of life,

so to confront that, they were shoved into a coffin. Can you imagine the luggage carts when they're bringing them in? What is this again? It's a business seminar. We teach sort of CEO techniques. And those coffins? Well, just ten for the guys you think they're no longer breathing.

That's after they eat their puke and they've been pissed on. In their cage. Can we light a fire in that room? I think we're in conference room B and C. Are we allowed to light a fire in there? No, it's a no fire room. Okay, that's fine.

We'll just like some of the coffins. Incidentally, you actually can't pee in there? We have tarps We're not going to pee in the room The guys will drink most of the pee It's called bird bathing Once again I don't know why they're having that reaction

I'm merely Taking a very simple reality And moving it two degrees to the right I really think I've done very little You can go ahead and just keep that deposit. You were not going to be getting that back. When Patrick was finally sued over leadership dynamics, he told his questioner that the coffins were, quote,

very nice, you would like it. I'm not getting inside of one of your coffins, Patrick. When asked if anyone with claustrophobia had been placed in a coffin, his response was, quote, well, let me say this. If they did, they got over it. Nope No, they didn't Some of his employees were tied to a cross

What is that? It's called Of course a woman doesn't understand What is this? This is called being a business person Jesus Christ literally how many times they have to say do you want

to run shit like Jesus did no wait no wait no wait no wait look at America it's working let the white man cook we got this we got it Patrick made sure to tell the court

that no one was nailed to the cross by the way they were just tied there for hours and hours I'm going to do my impression of the lawyer, of his lawyer, when he said that. In one session, a man was forced to perform a blowjob on a dildo while women who were attending a separate class were brought in to watch. What was their class? A lot of you, a lot of you would do that.

Surviving Hilton. Is that Frank? Don't tell my wife. I'm here. Oh, hey. What are you doing? I can't believe this. Where are your clothes?

Why are you in a cage? I just can't believe this is to become the manager of McDonald's. What's all over your chin? That's vomiting piss. Who's vomiting? Who's vomit and who's piss? Everybody's. My God.

Honey, I'm a winner! You take that tildo out of your mouth, we are leaving out once. Oh, fine, finish sucking it, and then we're leaving. Don't bring the cross, you idiot. Untie him. Is he nailed? No. That would be ludicrous.

We're not crazy. We're not crazy here. When asked about the blow job, Patrick said, quote, Well, to put it bluntly, there are a lot of men that come to class that have forgotten how to use theirs. What? You libtick, motherfucker. Suck that dildo.

Is this guy sucking his own dick? I don't know, but that doesn't make sense at all. A lot of guys don't remember how to suck their own dick, because it's really hard. But they've all tried. No matter what they say, they've all tried. No matter what they say,

they've all tried. And here's what's crazy. A few of them have gotten to the crowd. And those are reactions we'd love to see. This reminds me of this this read-it post where a guy said he fucked up because he went over

to partake at a threesome and then during the discussion beforehand he said he could blow himself. So he did and they were like, okay, leave. Who the fuck goes anywhere when you could suck your own dick? Are you kidding me? People are like, you see Gareth?

Yeah, he don't come out anymore. Ever since he mastered that yoga class, we haven't seen him. He's just... Nah, I think I'm going to smoke weed and suck my dick again. Sorry. Nobody can beat what I'm doing here. So the lawsuits start piling up, and they became too much of a headache,

and the leadership dynamics. Institute closed its doors. And that's why we have no fucking leaders in America because you're all too woke! Boom. But the legal problems didn't end there.

People began asking more questions and seeking more information about holiday magic. I can't believe. I know. It's still... It still... It sounds... By the way, for people who are eating puke and sucking dildos in a

business center in a hotel. Holiday magic is a pretty good name. Sounds like where they stayed. It used to be a holiday inn. Then Patrick came to town. A Canadian college student felt

duped and immediately asked for his money back. Of course, it's a Canadian. Go back up there then if you don't like what we're doing. Down here's for showman. Go back there if you want to move this stuff around. He went back,

he went to the Better Business Bureau who wrote a letter to Holiday Magic on his behalf. A few days later, the student went into the offices to see about his refund, but a man held up the letter, quote, he held it in front of me and then tore it in half

and threw it away. He said that showed what the company thought of the better business bureau and the government. By the way, that, back man, probably not great, but now yep, working. The person at the Better Business Bureau who was typing was like, sorry,

can you, will you go back a little bit? A little lost. When an undercover reported attended a sales pitch meeting to recruit new members, he asked if it was a pyramid scheme, and the head salesman laughed. Quote,

have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Yeah. Hear him out. Here is I have. He was a pyramid scheme. He had 12 master distributors, and Christianity has not become the number one religion yet. Christ's pyramid scheme has never reached a point of saturation like ours has.

Literally, go find your point. What are you even... So the apostle, like... And the whole thing's... Mur, man! It's, this is not normal. No, no, it's indefensible. So he's like, the more I talk,

the longer I'm getting away with it. In 1973, a judge found the company guilty of running an unfair and deceptive marketing scheme and ordered them to refund investors, a.k.a. all the people who had thought they were signing up for a job. On top of that That's just for the Holiday Magic one.

So all the people who went to their business training seminars are like, are we going to do, that was like $10,000 to get that back or? On top of that, the Securities and Exchange Commission said they defrauded their workers of about $1.6 billion in today's money and that Holiday Magic's promise of making

$100,000 a year was fraudulent. In fact, they said that in order for all the investors to bring in six figures a year, every single person in America would need to be recruited. Well, that's the plan before a bunch of fucking nerds got in the way. Patrick's obsession with fighter planes and his unlimited amount of cash led him to start a company called Spectrum Air, which rented out vintage aircraft and repaired private planes. How is he still out there?

What do you mean? He's got money. It's time to fucking get into a new business. Nobody like, dude, look, you made two C. Buk at a holiday inn. Like, that's criminal. But he made money from that. I see your point. Shortly after a spectrum... So this is...

Everybody get that, so... Spectrum. They rent out vintage aircraft and repair private planes. So shortly after a spectrum repair job, one plane immediately fell out of the sky, killing the pilot. They're not supposed to... to do that, by the way.

On the contrary, my friend, that's a big part of the business model. Patrick was ordered to pay the widow about $6.5 million in today's cash. Imagine. And in 1972, an employee got in a Korean War era F-86 fighter plane from Spectrum and promptly crashed

into an ice cream parlor, killing 22 people, mostly kids. I like how the ice cream. part really affected people more. People have been dying. Oh my God, while they were eating ice cream? No, no, no, no, no. Did any of the...

The plane wasn't supposed to be flown in the first place. Oh, okay. It was supposed to be used as part of a memorial in front of a town hall in Canada. Why the fuck was the guy in it? It was like one of those planes they put in front of airports. She was like, all right, clear for takeoff. One, four, one, you are actually just a model

attacks to the ground. All right, we're turning on a bunch of the stuff here, Captain. Ready to go. Runway forward clear. We're about to head out of here. Once again, you are not a real clay. You should not be taking off. You are basically a goddamn statue.

I'm surprised the gear's even working in there. This is 149, Mayday. Mayday. All right, we're getting ready to go here. Ladies and gentlemen, Buckle, your seatbelts, I know you're a bunch of dolls that have brought from my ex-wife's house. I'm having what they'd call a clinical

meltdown right now. I drank a bunch of bleach and get ready, we're all now in my delusion. Here we go. Clearing that. We're up in the beautiful skies. Today's movie will be Mission Impossible 3. Mission Impossible 3 brought to you by a

man who believes that aliens live inside of his belly. Have we all ever stopped to consider that Tom Cruise is just trying to himself and none of us are stepping in. So now both the Canadian and U.S. governments had no idea how it was taken from storage in Canada and ended up in Patrick's hands.

So he's like paying people to steal planes. We don't even know. That don't work. He's just getting planes that are like out of commission. And by 1973, this incident had cost Patrick, today's equivalent, who around $64 million, and it's still going up all the time because lawsuits are still happening. So lawsuits are totally piling up.

He's getting sued or had injunctions against him in Arkansas, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, and New York. When's he become the president? Step 1,420. sell decommissioned claims two victims within striking distance

of a Baskin-Robbins Stick to the plane, Patrick. The Attorney General of California, Avelle Younger, hit him with a series of suits that attacked the pyramid scheme business model in all of his companies. Patrick went after Younger then, suing him

alleging harassment, intimidation, and deprivation of property rights for the money he had stolen from his workers. The best. I do love that counters. You broke the law. I'm taking you to court. Well, that's making people think I'm a fucking asshole.

I'm taking you to court. He took out full-page ads in papers charging that Younger was using lawsuits against him to get attention in advance. of a run for governor the ads the ads had headlines like is lynching legal in California with a cartoon of himself with a noose around his neck these man they just money is cancer what you're talking about great you guys you know I this a fucking thing about you fucking lives you hear the story of a guy who's

wildly successful creates many businesses and you're like and you're like he peat on people like it's fucking crazy you know what's like he created jobs man

it's so funny that for a minute I forgot he peed on people peat in fucking kennels all right Doug go to your crate and he piss on Doug Sunday's going to be wild

everybody we're just wrapping up Saturday As the walls closed in, Patrick took to this guy. He's flying. He's flying. He's got money. He's got planes. He's flying.

He loved doing aerobatic tricks, aerobatic tricks, especially when a newbie was in the cockpit with him. So he likes to show off. He's like, look at what I can do. I can't. I can't. Dave, I'm hoping.

No. I'm hoping this ends. The way it has to. This is a guy who's... Come on. He's fucking enjoying himself. Give me what I need, please. So he and a buddy jumped into a PF1 Mustang plane

and took off. This is great. Nobody knows what happened next or why, but in the middle of the worst moment of his personal and professional life, Patrick's plane crashed into a field 80 miles north of San Francisco. killing him and his passenger.

Cheering death. Yeah, we need to start normalize, like we need to be very, we need to normalize the death of motherfuckers. We have to be allowed to cheer, we have to be allowed to cheer when they die. It just keep, like, the news when this happened would be like,

eccentric billionaire and it passed away today known for some strange techniques when it came to making money he's wintered by a family and dogs with the cleanest food in the world certainly strange

but there's no need to be rude to the man who died and made a guy eat his own piss puk in Patrick's own words quote there's Did he hit a Mr. Did he hit a Mr. Freeze?

Quote, There is absolutely nothing wrong with being wealthy. God, you have made me an eagle, and I will break the shackles of fear and ignorance which have bound my wings. That... By the way, should have broken out

of those a little harder. That with the freedom of truth, I will soar above the mountains and clouds and see the wonders of the earth. And the great wealth and the great wealth and happiness you have made available.

but you've got to use less like sky in your window if you're going to fly in a plane crash I will fly high in the sky on the wings of my money unable to be brought down unless I'm ready maybe we shouldn't have put all those jimmies in the fuel tank he was great

that's it he's dead oh fuck Well, yeah, he died. We crashed. Research by Josh Androwski. Sources. Mental floss, shell-shock, the pyramid schemer who has convinced

his targets to climb it at Coffins. New York Times, fringe the strange and terrible history of the far-aid in high weirdness. New Times, Twins, Falls, Idaho, Sacramento, B, Miami News, Ottawa Citizen Daily Independent Journal and the Mite and the Anaheim Bulletin.

Did you, how much did you know about this guy before? Yeah, I told him, I read a tiny bit and I was like, see what you can find? Yeah, I was, I, because the headlines were like, so there was once a really crazy fucking lunatic right wing, and I was like, yeah,

so that guy will be good. He sued Avon. He sued Avon. Oh, because they were a rival makeup company so he was like fuck you all right you can do door to door makeup sales but you

can't make dudes piss on each other that's my move well I mean obviously it's just like this is the fucking problem like when are we going to stamp out this behavior these humans

when are we going to success? No no the idea that like you know what I mean Like, it has to stop. Like, when do we stop? Success?

Oh, fuck. Will it ever end? No. No. Oh, God, no. If it would have ended, it would have ended a while ago. But we're just wrapping up. We're ramping up again.

We're about to all enter the hotel banquet room together. Yeah. It feels like the lesson was go bigger. Yeah. Take care of the servers, whoever helped you tonight. And come back to the next show. We appreciate it. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary. It's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five, five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube. You can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one,

so go there and watch The Rube.