The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 710 - Johnny Appleseed - live

Episode Date: November 18, 2025

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Johnny Appleseed SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH   Chewy Hims  Mint Mobile  Squarespace - use code: Dollop Download Cash App Today:  CashApp As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.

I can't wait to see Vancouver this time of year. The brisk refreshing air, autumn leaves scattered across Stanley Park. I'll get to hang out at Granville Island Public Market and try the local delicacy, candied smoked salmon, and best of all, I get to see a crowd of adoring fans at the Rio Theater. While daydreaming of fall travel, I realize my home could be working for me. I'm talking about hosting my home on Airbnb. Might as well, right? Otherwise, it will just be sitting empty while I'm gone.

While you're off living your best life, your home could be bringing in some extra cash. Whether you're off for a work trip or a family vacation, why not make the most of it? Hosting on Airbnb is smart and a practical way to help cover travel costs. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.c.ca. slash host. You're listening to the dollop. The dollop. Yeah.

It's an American history podcast for each week. I, David Anthony, read a story from American history to a slob with his shirt open. Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. I'm just a boy. Don't you get mad at me? A little too casual for an audience of Columbus, who are very well-dressed people. I can point out some evidence to counter your argument. Quite easily, mind you.

Nope. When you think of Ohio, you think of fashion. Yeah. A couple things, real quick. On our YouTube, you can go there right now when we started to post the animated Rube Waddell episode that we had with Lakeside Animation. We're starting to post that.

That's the Dallop Podcast. Go there and watch it. And we also, on November 24th, are going to be doing a live event. Dave and I are going to be raising money for the Hollywood Food Coalition live on our YouTube at 6 p.m. Pacific Time where we are watching Cats, the musical, the movie

that everybody really was excited about. You can join us there at the Dallup podcast. That's our YouTube. Go there, join, subscribe, set the alarms and the alerts and comment and all that stuff. But we're going to be watching it live. Dave, are you excited? no but our friend stew who's been a listener for a long time matched our goal and has already

sent ten thousand dollars to the food coalition so thank you stew you are as always a great great gentleman he i mean it's not on the go fund me we've posted a link to the gofummy you can go on our socials and find that but stew just gave them 10 grand from us so amazing so we're watching cats and it's supposed to be really good so you can watch a live with us 6 p.m. on November 24th. September 26th, 1774, Year of Our Lord. J-Town. The J-Town.

Also known as Party, Jay. No? John Chapman was born in Leominister, Massachusetts. Oh, you know. Good for you. uh to elizabeth and nathaniel a minuteman who fought at bunker hill tell us about bunker hill really quick oh boy uh well first of all it's the bunker hill university and uh bunker hill's a hell of a spot uh look year round whatever you want to do bunker hill has has it to offer you you want to go sled

in bring the kids out have a good weekend i was thinking more of the fighting that happened at bunker oh the fighting at bunker hill crazy nobody saw the outcome of bunker Hill being what it was. I think that's safe to say. Who won? Well, at the end, nobody. At the end of the day, nobody wins war. War is just sort of perpetual struggle and it's just really your chest pieces on, you know, pawns on the board of the elites. Who was fighting? Well, it felt like everybody. I'll tell you what it felt like. It felt like a family that didn't want to have a Thanksgiving dinner. But at the end of the day, they're a little glad they did. But they're still, a lot of regrets. That's what makes it so famous, so renowned, so known, is that the bunker,

the whole thing with it. First of all, bunker hill, a big old hill for the starters. That's a big guy. That's the sort of hill you want to sled down, no doubt, which brings me back to sledding. There's year-round opportunities and activities for anybody here at Bunker Hill. You want to have a taffy pull? Boy, howdy, are you going to have one? Bunker Hill is full of good, good times for friends and family. Bunker Hill, more like Funker Hill. Bunker Hill, brought to you by everybody's group. This Bunker Hill commercial was brought to you by the Historical Society of Accuracy. The Historical Society for Accuracy.

So if a friend brought you here, you've never really listened. The roles are not pretty... We're two historians. Hold on. The roles... The roles... The roles are pretty well established. Two history buffs, sit up here and chew the fat. Two geniuses debate.

Now go ahead. What do you think of Bunker Hill? What do you think it was all about? A battle. It was a war over Archie Bunker. Yeah. His chair. That's right.

Okay, so his mom died in the summer of 1776. So that's like, you know, less than two years. While giving me. She was giving birth while it happened. The other one, the little one also didn't make it. When John was seven, his dad returned from the military, and he said, I have a new family, and it's really big. 14 of them now shared a 400-square-foot house.

Wait, he had a, he started a second family while he was away at war, and he had that many? What would you do? Yeah, well, he married into one. Oh, he married into one? She had a lot of kids. So she came having had. Yeah, she had.

Okay. And then he married into that, and then he was like, hey. And then they moved into a 400 square foot house. Four, five, nice. Fourteen people. That's pretty good. That's what we're getting close to now. That's, uh...

Already I'm just like, Oh, killed me. Oh, that'd be horrible. How do you do the sex? How do you... Well, touching relatives. I'm talking about with your wife, not... Yeah, yeah. I mean with your wife.

Oh, you see, you're... With your wife, yeah, exactly, yeah. Wait, what? How do I do sex with your wife? You know about that? It's two history buffs who are, it's a tete-a-tete of two history men. You're listening to a poly-American history podcast.

Yeah. John and his half-brother Nathaniel headed out west together to get away from this fucking crowded house, and they went across the Ohio River, which is nobody. beautiful. Nobody outside of your state knows where the fuck that is. To be fair, most rivers, people are like, what is it?

The river was traditionally the line of demarcation between the natives to the west and the whites to the east. But due to population booms and sprawling tendrils of capitalism, early Americans started devouring anything they laid their hand, eyes on. It is amazing to think there was a time where there was a line of like, you get the rest. Yeah. And then we were like, hey, we want to renegotiate. We would actually like everything. So we're going to need to push you back to the ocean.

You see, we just are really good at this. Oh, boy, are. Trust us. Yeah. In the future, everything will be a mall. But for now, blankets. Yeah. Sorry.

That's why we celebrate Blanksgiving. Honor tradition. This was the golden end of the... Thanksgiving is so funny. What a fucking handful of horseshit so early. And we thanked each other for everything we'd all done for each other. Here you are. What a big meal we shared.

And that's why every year we eat. Billions of birds. This was the golden age of the speculator, and land was gobbled up by corporations and sat on until someone dealt with the Indian problem. In 1792, the Ohio Company of Associates started giving away hundreds of acres of land to anyone settling outside of the white people zone of Ohio

with the condition that they planted 50 apple trees and 20 peach trees. All right. Well, look. Again, I'm not pro-white on this one, but I do like this forcing of planting of apple and peach trees. I like peaches a lot.

Yeah, it's great. It's a great idea to just be like, yeah, you get it. You just got to make it all a tree. Everywhere's an orchard. I like that plan. Okay. Yeah.

It was proof that they wanted to stay and not just sit on it or flip the land. And it is believed that John worked for an apple grower for years to earn his keep at his father's home, but nobody really knows. What is certain is as soon as he entered the forest, he never wanted to leave the forest. The forest.

The forest. I would imagine apple-wise, you were like, I am done with apples. Yeah, there's only so many apples you could have. Eventually, he'd be like, ugh. Fucking apples, are we serious? Would you like an apple? No. Oh, Jesus Christ, how about a peach? I'll go up there and get one

for you. I have to climb the branches. There's no other technology that'll get us up there. So, unfortunately, we won't be to get any of those one super high up there. We haven't been able to crack any ideas. You didn't need a ladder. No, I know I didn't. Yeah, exactly.

This is Hank. Yeah. Clasp the hands. That's right. Launch you right up as high as you want to go. No need to try to build anything that'll make this easier. I wonder how many people

turned off the podcast when I said that. God, fuck these fucking guys. Many. one of the first winters in western Pennsylvania almost did the brothers in after a long search for their uncle's cabin they found it but their uncle was not there so john who's now in his 20s

went how dare you come up there it's in the lincoln's i think it was a gunshot so john is now in his 20s went out and search of food and provisions while his younger brother Nathaniel who was a very young teenager stayed and john was gone for days. Oh boy. That's not good. He already has a hankering.

And Nathaniel ends up surviving with help from indigenous people who found this little starving boy. You got to love that. Like what are your three keys to survival? Find indigenous people. Hope that they are friendly. That'll be it. John found some less than helpful indigenous people and had to hide silently for hours and a thicket of cat tails. And he then dragged his canoe into a passing ice flow and escaped. What? Now, John, like all whites, was obsessed with one thing, land, to own and cultivate and grow. And he could cultivate with the best.

Sure. One accounts as he could chop twice as many trees as any other man, but he could not settle down long enough to claim the land. It's got to be grow. That can't be true. Yeah, I think I put the wrong word in this. He's so busy cultivating, he can't claim. But then he wouldn't stay there long enough to claim it.

He would just cultivate and then move on? He would like plant trees and then bail. It sounds like what's something you would do. Stop. So he's growing orchards across western Pennsylvania, and he's borrowing money from his family to buy more land in a town called Franklin, but he only lasted less than a year there. a local historian quote he was one of those characters very often found in the new country

always ready to lend a helping hand to his neighbors he helped others more than himself he took up several he took up land several times but would soon find himself without any by reason of some other person jumping his claim so he really was just fully like he was always just trying to make the land better and grow things and then he just people would be like great i'll take it he's like but that That was mine. They were like, you idiot. Yeah, basically.

On one occasion, he watched several miles on ice barefooted merely to show his powers of endurance. To who? Who would watch miles of walking? You're like, dude, I can't see past 800 feet. He's like, trust me. It hurts. Holy fuck, is this a feat of strength?

Yeah. Then he'd come back. How far did you go? Real far. Woo. All the way. All right. Now to claim that land.

We already did. God damn it. Shit. Quote, he seemed as much at home with the red men of the forest as his own race. Well, it says the whites. The red man was like, please get out of here. What are you climbing? Whoa.

The hell is that? It's also probably like for the whites to be like, look at how well he's taking care of nature for all the Indians to be like, we've never seen anything like this. You lot, you should learn something from this guy. Hey, why don't we all have turkey together in a couple of weeks? One big old meal.

That'll be nice. the law favored rich and real settlers who lived on it permanently John quote took up land in different parts of the township but whose sojourn owing to his thriftless disposition was only temporary as soon as settlements began to increase he disposed of his few improvements and with a few other spirits as restless and discontented as himself he drifted further westward. So as people start moving in, he's pushing

It keeps going west. Right. Which, again, I'm sure like the Native Americans like, cool. Hey, hang back there for a little while. Would you please? We're running out of room over here. He's like, hello? Want some apples? Let's do peaches. So John is

very good at planting apple orchards, but his true gift is real estate. His time walking, the native trails meant he knew the best spots to settle. So he was buying, leasing, or just clearing out a few acres and planting nurseries so new inhabitants wouldn't have to, and they'd pay him. So now if you want...

So now he's like, yeah, he's like a, he's like a, he's like a HGTV show. It was like a, he's like a developer. Yeah, he's just going out there and he's like, this is going to be great. Yeah. What are you thinking? I'm thinking apple trees? a lot of them and so it's genius just buying the best land and flipping it

would have made him one of the richest men in Ohio maybe all of America but John's a little different first he gave too many apple trees away to people who couldn't afford them how did he give him away he was like this is he didn't like take him out of the ground he would be like plant a few and then someone be like I don't have any yeah and he'd be like Oh, you can have it.

Yeah. But people are like, yeah, do you do anything besides apple trees? These are really... Have a Macintosh. He didn't pay attention to stuff like taxes. Well, yeah, good. Oh, come on. Yeah, good.

You get that right, Ohio. His profits went to buying pastures for abused horses. Oh, that is nice. I'm not going to lie. It's going to be hard to hit that one. Pastures for abused horses. So all horses back then? Every fucking horse.

Who was the first guy who was like, let's get on its back? Charlie, no. Sweet mother of God, what is he doing? Woo! Check it out! The amount of times that didn't work in nature, watch me get on this puma.

Sweet God, Charlie! I think you can ride gorillas. Charlie, I don't know if that's a good idea. Watch me mount this one. Yeah, boy. Yeah. La la la la la la la la la la. Let me get on this hyena.

Look at that. All right. Look, the lion's got that beautiful mane, much like the horse I mounted earlier. Perfect as a riding grabber. I don't know. Oh. I didn't even eat his throat.

John probably ran the first horse rescue program in America. He could simply not watch an animal suffer. Or a plant. What the fuck is this guy going to eat? I've gone through this. That was a strong vegetarian. And then people are like, have you heard what plants say? When did you pick them?

I was like, huh? Huh? Every time he pick an apple. Here, you want a tomato? Do you feel good? My baby, my babies. Help me. Jesus.

This total aversion to inflicting pain on any living thing is why John didn't graft trees. Oh, he didn't graft them. not graft them. Wait, why? He believed trees felt the knife. That they had souls, and grafting them did harm. Prove them wrong.

I can't, but fuck, that's tough. I was like, okay with grafting until I thought of that. I mean, I don't know what the fuck you're supposed to do. I really don't. I guess it's time to just eat each other. I really think that might be we just have. to eat our ways out of this. Well, John did it the old-fashioned way.

John planted apple seeds. Okay. Planting apple seeds at this point was way out of vogue because apples are heterozygienous, zigenous, heterozeginous, who cares? It only bangs apples of the opposite seed. Each seed contains genetic coding for 10,000 varieties,

and no one knows what type of tree you'll grow by planting a seed. To get good juicy apples, you graft a branch of a good tree to the base of another, and this creates genetic duplicates of the apple you want. Johnny, quote, they can improve the apple in that way, but that is only a divisive man, and it is wicked to cut up trees in that way. God only can improve the apple. I'll be honest

but I actually don't hate what he's saying there is a version of reality where we just went the route of like hey let's just see what Earth does we just decided to not do that at all so that's why it seems crazy but at the time to be like you do not

you let God pick which trees here sure but then again if they're all like you know Granny Smith's I'd be like let's play God for a little while these are fucking disgusting If it's all red delicious, I'm like, let's graft every fucking one we can. How do we get the honey crisp? If everyone's a pink lady, I'd be like, God is real.

Seeds are also way easier to carry than tree branches, and nobody gave a shit about eating good apples. What do you mean? Apples weren't really a food product at this point. Well, why did we cover the fucking country in them? Apple cider was more popular than beer and wine at that point. Is it alcoholic? Yeah, but...

Oh, yeah, there we go. All right. Now I get it. Now I get where they were grafting, too. During temperance, they would cut down... Temperance lunes would cut down apple orchards to, like, be like, where's... That's so fucking. Oh, Jesus Christ.

We'll figure out other ways to get drunk, you idiot. That's it. Now you have no apples. What are you going to do? We're drinking gas. from this guy's tub. What? That's right.

We found a loophole. We're drinking stuff that you could use in cars. You ever heard of bitch snobs, you fucking idiot? Easy, Randall. Tettle down there, buddy. Let's not showboat.

So Johnny... As Native America's like... Well, we tried. Well, good thing they won. I told you when they came. They were fucking idiots, right? Like I said, these... Hey, we should have a big meal together.

We should do a big thing. We'll call it a potluck. Come over, making everything go. Hey, what the hell? How'd you get up there so high? What do you call that thing? That's crazy. I just been getting on Barry's shoulders a bunch.

so Johnny oh here we go Johnny Appleseed the one was giving people on the edge of the white world what they wanted most the ability to get drunk

he's the real god he was remarkably efficient at getting apples ready for the distillery he painstakingly planted perfect orchards in lines carefully cultivating the land. He'd even brambles, he cleaned, cleared to make a fence to keep out deer. Then he'd just walk away for a year or so.

And every year he'd come back and prune. But other than nature, he'd just let it take its core. Let it nature go. Wow. He didn't like to sit around. He's a little Paul Bunyanie. A little bit. Yeah.

Well, he's tall. Yeah, that's what I mean. That didn't help. That didn't knock my argument down at all. Look at the size of him. Is there an ox back there? So once he planted, odds weren't too bad that the orchards would survive without him. Wouldn't work if they were for eating because the gross little bitter fruits that came worked fine for booze.

Wait, say that again? So the apples that are, that he's planting are really like bitter, not that tasty. Right, but they're good for boozing. Right, yeah, right. The funkier, the better acidic apples make for better cider. I definitely like him saying the funkier. the better as he's walking from town to town. He was one of our...

Sounds like he's in the parliament. Yeah. No worry, baby. The funky or the better. Johnny, moho. I think he's on acid again. Woo! Why do you need a ladder

when you got steps in your mind? Jabo da-a-doo! Johnny! I've been eating these rotten apples for a while now. Ooh, I wish I had balls to drip off at this point. Johnny.

But Johnny's biggest motivation was not apples. Right. Sex. It was the second great awakening. Oh no. What the fuck?

No. Oh no. Are you about to heaven's gate Johnny Appleseed? Are you fucking What is he about to do? Oh no. I mail my seed like Elon. Johnny, no.

Here's a little bit of that seed and a little bit of my seat. Oh, my God. We grew a Johnny Appletree. Hello. In the early to mid-19th century, American, I should have looked up this guy's number, name how to say it it's going to be great in the early mid to 19th century american religious life was full on fire and brimstone tent revival christianity type stuff but johnny became

enthralled by a swedish mystic love it emmanuel swedenborg emmanuel swedeborg the only wait i think that's the wrong picture that's the wrong picture is it is it yeah that's that was to show how drunk Americans were oh man I swear to God what just happened to everyone

was like oh yes I mean this was a series of pictures where the photographer got the guy drunk the middle guy's the best obviously oh my God I thought that was Swedenborg.

The 19th century Joe Kako is here. Oh, fuck. That is... Ah, this guy. Sorry, that's Swedenborg. For those of us... Some of us choose to believe

that is still the guy. I mean, I would follow this guy's religion. Without fucking question. This is the religion. Everyone just come and look cool, and then we just fucking party! All right, sweetborg, you got a good plan there. God is at the bottom of my glass.

What was that, sweetborg? God is at the bottom of my glass. All right. So at what point do we start doing something with this movement of yours? I've had a real affinity for it for a while. What do you think the dancing is? We should strive to make the earth

as good a place as possible, don't you agree? Blah, blah, blah. I'm gonna lay down after I fuck your wife. It's Christ. Hope that's not weird, bro. But we care in my religion, tink. Sweetborg, I'm not married. Sweetborg.

You're gonna be. What? I'm gonna sign you a lady and then make love to her. Are you really the guy? Are you really Swedeborg? Sure. What do you mean, sure?

I've been here for five weeks trying to help you plant trees. I like... What? Hey, hey. What? Are you really Swedeborg or are you just some photo mishap?

I'm not... I went, okay. You what? Yeah. Yeah, what? Sure, I mean... Are you Swedeborg? Who is it?

At this point, that's what I'm saying. No, Swinborg is the Met. We're all Sweetborg. What is your name? Sweet. What is your name? Hey, look. No.

Here's what I think. Okay. No. So we get a bunch. Stop it. Get a bunch of... I don't want to hear any more ideas for a party and stop using your tongue like that. Don't touch me.

I was just saying that we got a lot of land here and we got apples. Because of me. And then... Why don't have a party? It always ends with a party. Invite your wife. I don't... Look,

I think you're just some drunk guy from a photo shoot. Swedenborgian Christianity, also known as the new church. Okay. Is based almost entirely on the fantastically weird visions of Swedenborg, who was an 18th century Swedish aristocrat, scientist, inventor, and mystic who talked to angels, demons, and spirits of dead people from other planet. Wow. So he, yeah, all right, you're right, yeah.

So he, so he's enamored with a hundred-year-old, where is this guy? Well, he's dead. Yeah, but where was he? He was in, he was in Sweden. He was. His name is Sweden. so he just sound like a Swedish robot. So he's a Swedeborg.

He's a Swedeborg. And he came up with a religion about talking to angels and all that other shit from a hundred years prior. Yeah, this is a guy with a severe mental disorder. Right. Everyone's like, he sounds great. Well, he talks to God. And demons.

And demons. And angels. Spirits. For example, Martians craved order and people on the moon communicated by burping. I honestly don't know what's crazier that they knew about the moon or that burping was common

I think it meant that when you burped that was a Martian coming out of you talking through you talking through you that's a by the way I might steal that I'd like that

I definitely might steal that pardon one of those moon Martians wanted to say good day the literal aspects of their beliefs came from swedborg's visions and this led to some very interesting theories i mean he what was he just on drugs uh no i i really think he has a mental okay okay swedenborg believe that every living thing has a spiritual counterpart plants and animals aren't just for human consumption they're god's silent messengers and manifestations of human qualities

both good and bad. Okay. Don't, I mean, again, that's not... That's not terrible. No, not terrible. So, Johnny practiced extreme non-violence towards nature because of that. Okay. Beyond horse rescues in Apple pacifism, he would not swat a mosquito

even if it was biting. Now that's fucking ludicrous. That's the malignant. Very a line. You do that. Look at him enjoying me. Hey, Johnny. I'm out of here. Suck it, my boy. You too, mosquito. He once found a wolf pup in a trap and nursed him back to health and raised it as a pet.

Blue Ox. Did they have a pet wolf? Huh? Oh, the Blue Ox is the pet. Paul Bunyan. It's not like he saved the ox for a pet. you don't know how the fuck you think he got so blue okay okay so he always stayed blue then the oxygen never got back and so you're saying it was a zombie ox

for the most part okay so he cracked that next he once put out a campfire to save moths from flying into it my man you're gonna have a life with no fire I mean what are you

that's their whole thing that's probably their religion fucking quit playing God with moths oh no the devil put out the flame again we were just about to go quote God forbid that I should build a fire for my comfort

that should be the means of destroying any of his creatures. So Swedenborgians were pacifists. Sweden Borgians? Borgians. They understood pain or other physical sensations can come from feelings, which made them the most psychologically progressive religious sect of the era. They believed being useful was true holiness

and thought everyone in heaven had a job and went to work every day. So that everyone had to have a job? if you went to heaven in heaven you had a job and you went to work every day fucking well we've already got that heaven and it ain't great up until then though

I'm into it yeah that I don't like to work every day in heaven part no that's weird that you go to heaven and he's like all right you do sheets what it was better on earth hurry up now

that sounds like Protestant heaven a lot of beds to make they also believe that adultery, abuse of innocence and spiritual corruption via sensuality might turn you

into a penis-shaped demon on a giant monster whose body was hell itself. So if you fuck, you become a hell penis? Well, if you abuse innocence and I guess spiritual corruption via

sensuality, maybe. You could have sex in marriage. Yeah, not fun sex, though. There's no 69ing in the Swedenborg's version. Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, maybe. That might be it. We're trying for a baby. Just keep saying that in case God's watching. Hopefully, both of our heads get pregnant.

I'm vamping. I don't know. Also, in order to move between worlds, you had to go through the monster's literal asshole. that I get that one makes a lot true that's still true that's still true well yeah but we're all slowly going through it together right now just on the journey through the monster's asshole now sex is for married people you'd be matched with your perfect spirit soulmate or soulmates in heaven when asked why he never married johnny said two ghost women came to him in a vision and said to stay celibate so the thee of them

could get rowdy in the afterlife. All right, now, here's the deal. If two hot ghost women came to me and were like, do not fuck, because after all this, it's on.

I'd be like, you got it. 100% not going to be an issue. I'd be like, but then, man, if I fucking went up there. Will there be butt stuff? Of course there'll be butt stuff. Whatever you want, babe. We're so excited to get freaky with you in heaven.

We really want to do a lot of crazy stuff. Have her heard of the wheelbarrow? Sometimes I'll just watch while you do stuff with Cynthia over here. And sometimes we'll all be doing it together. And then if you're too tired, we'll just do stuff with each other. and then we'll start to sort of develop feelings for each other outside of the thruple. Wait, what? And then we'll have trouble telling you that maybe we don't need the penis as much as we just need each other.

What if I go down on you, well, then we'll slowly start to turn your quarters into a game room. Or a place for me to do my stitching work. We'll all be working in heaven. your sort of toxic traits will slowly be filtered out of the three of us and we'll realize we thrive better alone and you will have given us your seed earlier so we'll be able to have a baby

think about it no fucking on earth now What? Why do you look so confused? I guess I'm going to plant this seed? Huh? Yeah, well, you're totally going to plant a seed. And then we'll have a daughter. It'll for sure be a girl. Wait, am I gay? What's happening?

That's kind of a weird question to ask two ghosts that you'll be involved in a thruple with in the future. But yeah, you're gay. so johnny traveled with satchels full of swedenborg's books and handed them out or tore out pages to give to families here take a page crazy that's super weird dude there's no context for this one bye bye gonna go through the monster's asshole hey who the fuck was that why why didn't he have a bunch of branches. He would preach to anyone, often uninvited.

That's part of the rule. When Johnny shut up to someone's house to stay the night, quote, almost the first thing he would do when he entered the house and was weary was to lie down on the floor with his knapsack for a pillow, and then he would say, quote, will you have some fresh news right from heaven and carefully take out his old worn. books, a testament, and two or three others, and exponents of the beautiful religion that Johnny so

zealously lived out. Whose house is he going? Anyone's house? Because this was back when you would just stop by and go, I'm hungry, friend. Will you give me a place to sleep and some porridge? Get the fuck out of here! What are you doing right now?

Let me know if God talks when I wake up. Hey, there's a guy who just came into our house. Now he's preaching. about polyghosts, I think, I'm trying to figure this out. Don't even try to figure that out. I don't know what we're going to make him. He doesn't want any meat.

We can't do leaves. Do you have some wood that I can gnaw on, friend? But it was cut down. Not that sort. When someone asked if he was afraid of getting bit by the many venomous, snakes as he walked barefoot. He said his, quote, Book is an infallible protection

against all danger here and hereafter. That's the worst. That sort of shit's the worst. That still happens where people are like, I like, it was like during COVID where people were like licking grocery store handles and you're like, please, please kill them. Please. Please kill this

TikToker. Please let this TikToker die. Please. It's all I've ask for. That'll be my religion. I swear to God, I'll go to church every fucking Sunday. Just let that fucking woman die. Yeah. He was a missionary preaching kindness to all living things, and people listened, sort of. They were intrigued by the skinny little bearded man who wore rough frayed pantaloons and a burlap sack with armholes cut out.

Wait, that's all, that fucking picture you showed before was not. the artist took a lot of liberties that was a cartoon yeah but that's all i've seen of him so far so he was just walking around and like eating pants and a potato bag that's right way different no wonder no wonder he was talking to ghosts about after life fucking every woman on earth was like how are you mind if i nap under your bench Johnny didn't care about fancy things like shirts or shoes. Those things are big city as far as I'm concerned. What do you say we go out back and plant some trees?

He once stepped on and crushed a worm, killing it with his boots, and was so beside himself that he vowed to walk barefoot for the rest of his life, and he did. Jesus Christ. Look what I've done to the worm! Yeah, I know. No, well, we'll figure it out, Johnny.

That'll be okay. No, we won't. I'm going to walk around without shoes on. Well, that's that. Then I'll feel the worm. Oh, wormy, wormy, wormy, wormy. Oh, the worm is on my foot. Hey, Johnny, it's us.

The spirits from the afterlife. Hey, what's up? Hey. You guys are the ones that we're going to do. Yeah, no, sorry. We revealed all that. Hey, the no-shoe worm thing. Chill out.

It's a big turnoff to be that dire. You ladies don't like worms. Whirmy, warm, high, little squirmie, wormie. Have you ever felt the worm like slither and under your foot alive and not dead? Oh my God, we've never become lesbians faster. That was crazy. We're not even going to do the thruple part anymore. Seriously, you should do whatever you want on earth.

be a family. No, no, you're not listening. When do men listen? We're going to be a family. Okay, honestly, don't love your tone. Now sing with me. Warmy, wormy, wormy, squirmy little wormy.

And then do the... Hey, look, the worm survived. Okay, not do the lesbian stuff. I shouldn't have told you. this stuff, obviously, isn't it? Can you send some pictures? No. So many limitations.

Okay, just, okay. So through thorny brambles and slippery eyes, he would go entire winter's shoeless and survive somehow. Gareth, he also wore a pot on his head. Okay. So no shoes, but a pot.

Well, he's a pothead. Mostly for convenience. He needed to cook stews and boiled vegetables, but he didn't want to carry it. And it made a nice helmet. Can you imagine, like, going out with him being like, let's eat. Ah, there you go.

Oh, look, there's some little protein in there already. There we go. All right. Now, you all have a good day. I got nothing that I have shoes on. No, but he's got a pot on his head. Should we be listening to this guy here? No, probably not.

Boy, oh, boy. He's got such a great message, but then he puts a pot on his head. We should all listen to Earth, and we should make sure we're not injuring any beings that we don't have to. What a fantastic message. All right, see you all later. Ow, fuck! Oh, fuck again!

Yeah, I mean, nobody knows he wore the pot on his head, but nobody talks about it, so... Well, it's time to bring that up. That's not okay. That's toddler behavior. That man has a beard. I mean, really, if we're really gonna dig into it, really dig into it.

Dave, there's some flags. so there's no way he washed it right because if he's out in the middle if he's not well here's what i'll say he was boiling stuff in it probably so he was probably there was probably some level yeah if he wasn't boiling and it was well either way it's unacceptable but if it's a stew of some sort it's unacceptable so he's he's the smell when he when he cooked it must have it must have already been filled with dirt and sweat because it's on his head and then when he put it on in the morning it was sticky with food and stuff.

Yeah, it was probably, yeah. So his hair is like full of... I mean, he just fucking had goulash hair. So he probably... So let's just agree that Johnny Eppaceed smelled fucking horrible. Horrible. Not only horrible. Look, he was, look, he was wearing a potato.

The best thing he was wearing was ripped pants. He had a potato sack on, no shoes, and a cooking pot that he cooked in on his head. I mean... Gareth? He also loved snuff and had beautiful teeth. He loved snuff and had beautiful, well, I mean, I guess if you snuff, it's not going to affect your teeth. And snuff and nose?

So he's got a beautiful smile and a pot on his head. Yeah. And he's just putting tobacco in his nose all day? Yeah, what would you do? And then people would smile and be like, I can't stay mad at you. Jesus Christ. I'm not going to eat this motherfucker's apples anymore. How about that?

The dollop is brought to you by Chewy. Look, what I'm thinking about the holidays, I'm thinking about the little moments with my little pets, ones that make the season awesome, me hanging out with Pablo rubbing his belly and putting candy canes in his mouth. Other places. That's why I'm joining Chewy Claus,

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Oh, yeah. We order little, like, you know, supplements of stuff. Chewy's the only company that I'll do auto ship with because they, like, remind you 18 times. So that if you're like, oh, yeah, I don't need that or whatever. Chewy is the best. Yeah, they really are. And they got great customer service. So we're high on Chewy.

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we're doing this, you should do it too we use chewy, you should use chewy too. Oh, are you rhyming dude? That is C-H-E-W-Y-C-L-A-U-S, Chewy Klaus. Garrett the doll was also brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one web platform that is designed to help you stand out and succeed online, and that's exactly what's happened to you

with your new cat company. Yeah, yes, I'm doing, If you have not heard about the cat doctors, we have been shut down for medical reasons, but the website was popping. So that's the part that Squarespace did. The cats were the doctors. The cats were the doctors.

The patients were human. We had one procedure. It failed. So I would say that the business, however, was taking off because of Squarespace, because he used the Squarespace website. You got the domain. Squarespace is great.

I still use it for my stuff. We use it for the Dallup stuff. We use it forever. Yeah, we do. We have all four of our websites with Squarespace. You can go to Dolloppodcast.com, and you can find our tour dates because we will be going on tour this March, March, 26. And you can find our sweet, sweet tour dates there.

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And when you're ready to launch, use an offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. The dollop is also brought to you by Mint Mobile. Now, last time we did one of these ads, you had me lick at my phone a lot. Most of my holiday gifts that I do, they'll end up in a drawer, or like back in a closet or wherever, just accidentally left behind, right? At a cousin's house, like that kind of stuff.

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and more visit hymns.com slash doll that's hymns.com slash dollop for your free online visit hymns.com slash dollop. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan. Feature products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. So even before he started wearing the pot on his head,

his fashion sense wasn't great. And for a while, he just wore an old military tricorn hat, which is that right there. I mean, can you imagine being the person He's like, do you want to change your hat? What is the pot about? Oh, like you said, maybe it's time to change the headwear. I'm wearing a pot.

You know, the other one was better, Johnny. The other one was pretty good. Go back to the tricorn. Quote, the sides were ripped and it flopped in the wind on a head covered with long black hair, a face and long beard, and dark black eyes peering out from the vast undergrowth

and a body enveloped in a coffee sack with a hole through which he had run his head, it was enough to frighten any honest Dutchman almost out of his wits. Oh, my God, John, Jesus Christ. Hello. I thought you were a puppy man. Just scaring the shit out of it.

Jesus Christ. The real Johnny Appleskeed scared the living shit out of people. Just raining and dark. You want an apple. Oh, my God. What the fuck was that? Jesus Christ. Holy shit.

Hi, buddy. How are you? It's just me and my wolf. Oh, cool. That's cool. All right. No shoes, huh? I killed a worm once.

Right. Okay, dokey. This is good. I'm glad we were... What would you like to come in? Don't lay down. Are you sleeping? What happened?

Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, my God. Put out the fire, the moths! Honey, I mean, I don't know what the, to hurry up, I don't know what to tell you. Despite this, he was, quote, regarded by the few settlers just then beginning to make their appearance in the country with a degree of almost superstitious admiration. Yeah. Because everybody out there was out of their fucking minds.

Yeah, and it was, well, he probably, like, if he was good with nature, people were probably like, this guy gets it. But then, I mean, there's a lot of stuff that's just... There's a lot of red flags. Yeah, he's all red flags. Yeah. I mean, he should be wearing that top. He's so red flagged.

Yeah. One article said he was respected by even the rudest frontiersman. But Johnny liked everybody, except landlords. Due to his paranormal celibacy and dressing and... smelling. By the way, that is the best way to... I'm paranormal celibate. When I go

up there, I'm gonna fuck the shit out of these two women. Till then, I'm unfuckable. And dressing and smelling as if Yosemite San was homeless, Johnny never had kids. No shit. He loved kids.

He'd find bits of ribbon on his travels and give them to little girls who were out in the wilderness rarely had a chance to play with anything bright and shiny. Oh my God, an era where ribbon was like, oh my God. There you are. My life is made.

That's right. That's right. In the wilderness, they rarely had a chance to play with anything bright and shiny, so they loved him. And to entertain boys, he'd show off his feet, which were so calloused. It looked like he was wearing old leather

shoes. I got your sister some ribbon, and what did you get for Hank here? He could play with my feet. Whoa. Really digging the callus in the callus. There you go. Don't be afraid to do whatever you want on him. There you go.

Get in there. I'll tell you what, boys. The dirt ain't never coming out. Is that tell you about that time I stepped on a worm? there you go he would plunge needles we really appreciate the lace that you gave to our daughter but he would plunge needles and pins into his feet without flinching and even walk over hot coals and the boys went ape shit for it by the way all right let's say you're eight years old yes and a dude with a pot on his head comes over and he lets you fucking fondle his feet and then he starts popping

needles into him, and then for the grand finale, he walks on fire. And then it insists I'm putting it out because it's not fair to moths. Yeah. I'd be like, I will follow this man anywhere he goes. Within four hours, I'll be like 13 years old on a Bjorn in his chest. Hey, but the rest of your life, you'd be like, do you ever tell you the time when Johnny Appleseed came over, let me put a needle into his foot? You like that, huh?

Johnny, still, according to a source, was, quote, as odd as can be. Yeah. He may have been kicked in the head by a horse and a frontier doctor cut out a piece of a skull to relieve pressure on his brain. Okay, so let's, let's... That may have happened.

So, maybe got a lobotomy. He may have, he may have had a little... A horse may have kicked his head and a doctor in the 1800s and like, there we are. Now, that's nice. Now you've got a little stress ball zone on your head. It's like Gack. There you are, Johnny.

You know what I'd recommend? Wear a pot on your head. That'll protect you. Okay, dokey. There you go, boy. Can I fuck a ghost? Sure. Get out of here, you.

No, no, no. Those needles are for surgery. Johnny was a loner who, quote, absorbed the wilderness and became it and was a powerful and unavoidable personality. Everyone welcomed him, including most Native Americans who lands were being stolen by white guys

who looked exactly like Johnny. Well, not exactly like Johnny. So Johnny made his... way to the Ohio frontier by Catamaran. Wow. And by that, I mean two pieces of wood tied together with leather.

So, it's full of wolves and wild boars and bears and black rattlesnakes. I guarantee you, boars are like, let this one go. Let them through. We don't want that smoke. Fucking weirdo. Jainim might have been the only

traveler back then who carried no weapons. He'd rather be bitten or mauled than hurt any of God's creatures. He just, he just, he settled in a place called Owl Creek and he only has two sets of neighbors. John Stiley was the first white settler, his wife, and soon to be 12 children. Jesus, cruel, well, that's why you got to have a neighbor. Otherwise, it's just every year, you're like, let's have another one. They're perennials. I'll probably fuck this up, but Stylid was captioned by the Wyandotte tribe.

Wyandotte? All right, we got that one. Are they still alive? All righty. Oh, they are? They're not. Do they have a casino? Oh.

There's a water park named after them. Talk about honoring the ancestors. Aren't whites great? have we not done enough styley was captured by the wyandotte tribe as a kid with his adoptive family but when they were released he decided to stay with the tribe I totally get it and then he became an honored fighter for the tribe

there was also a quote half crazed squatter named Andy Craig we all know this guy Andy Craig the fucking crazy squatter he lived with a quote great raw-boned woman who stole from her husband. Other frontiersmen said... A raw-boned woman? Raw-boned woman, yeah.

My dad dated one of them. Huh? A raw-boned woman? A skeleton. No. Other frontiersmen said, quote, why he should have taken her into the wilderness for a sleeping companion,

I can't see him. I'd as soon as slept with a man as her. So she was gender fluid. She, she wasn't feminine is the... So they're saying raw-boned means masculine. Yeah, masculine lady, yeah. And the other guy was like, look, man, I'm end of that. I was like, fine, yeah, cool.

Johnny lived off... He's the real Mike Johnson type. John... whatever happened that guy said was going to drop his grinder profile that guy fucking freaked out

that guy was like freaked out got a lawyer oh that's right he did he got scared yeah he was like gonna do it

and then he was like oh shit oh god I gotta hide yeah yeah yeah Johnny lived off like most guys

on Grindr he talks a big game until he shows up and then you're like really I hear you You know, when I went to the Charlie Kirk Memorial, Mike Grinder,

Mike, I don't know, is your app What are you doing? No. My app kept shutting down. You what? My Grindr app kept shutting down. It was like, it was like clogged or something. I don't know.

Johnny lived off what nature gave him, wild berries, nuts, earth. people's leftovers and when lucky his favorite corn mush and milk all right let's be honest this guy who needed a modium a d more than any person of all time yeah he only ate what people gave him here you go here's some sludge thank you now I'm gonna have some apples um now some mushed corn yeah how about a little milk well Johnny good luck I also use this pot as a toilet. Johnny.

Johnny. He used plants as medicine, catnip for the stomach, nervous conditions and colds, fennel for indigestion gout lupus, whorehound for coughs colds. What was the last one? Horhound.

Okay. For coughs colds and as a tonic. That's my favorite new spice to go to the grocery store and ask if they have. Gotty horhound! I'm going to braise some pork tonight. I found the cumin. Where's the whore hound?

As the years passed, this connection with the natural, bonded with nature, sorry, bonded him with local tribes, the natives quote, could read his character at a glance. All was revealed by his eye as clear as the sunlight of God he

has without selfishness. So the beginning of Johnny turning into a myth was the war of 1812, when Native people teamed up with the British to fight the Americans. So when the fighting started, Johnny was in Mansfield, Ohio, and a local militia, and the army got a priest to persuade the local tribe to surrender by saying, after they surrendered, they could return to their land after the war.

And that held. And then the army burnt the village, and shot and beheaded and scalped a leader. The natives assembled the war party near Mansfield, their chance could be heard, and attacks imminent and so the town asked for one brave soul to warn all nearby settlers run through the wilderness and the natives to get word to the army quote a volunteer was asked for and a tall lanky man said to merley oh go he was barefooted uh excuse is that what do you have on your head there a pan and unarmed sir his manner was meek and you had to to look the second time into his clear blue eyes

to fully fathom the courage and determination shown in their depths. There was an expression in his countenance such as Limnors tried to portray in their pictures of saints. So Johnny runs cabin to cabin at midnight and he runs 26 miles. Would you listen to this guy if he came to your cabin?

No. You gotta get out of here. You gotta get out of here, motherfucker. Get out of here. What are you talking about? 26 miles, at least one family was killed as well as the priest who convinced the natives to vacate. Good.

But the rest of the town was saved and his midnight run cemented him in history books, a cookie guy running 26 miles barefooted in one night. And that's where we got the marathon from. That's right. People don't know that. People don't know that. Johnny began heading towards Indiana. his flipping land business brought in enough money

to buy land and donate it to the new church for a college. So he made so much money that he got the new church at college. The church wrote of his life and success in the new world and his fame as... So it was a college about him. It wasn't named for him, but it was like Trump U.

They were like, here's how you do it. They all like at their graduating class, they all throw little pots in the air. Fuck! 16 dad of the graduating class this year at Appleseed. The Johnny Appleseed University.

He's flipping out, he's making money. Now he's famous among the Swedenborgians. What a group to be a hero with. So he's now in his 50s and he's getting weirder. Oh shit

Uh-oh He starts threatening to sue farmers Who claimed his orchards But he's doing it really casually Quote He did not seem very anxious about it And continued walking to and fro As he talked

And at the same time Continued eating nuts Eating nuts So he's threatening to sue someone While he's just kind of walking back and forth And eat nuts As you But he probably always had eat nuts

Because he couldn't eat that much he shouldn't be eating nuts in my opinion based on his previous thoughts that seem nuts have feelings That's come from rocks Believe me nuts have feelings So people start to sour on Johnny Appleseed That's fucking hilarious

You know what Fuck this guy Honestly this is crazy And this included the Putnam family Who were related by half siblings One of the Putnam's quote Father said that Johnny apple seed was nothing but a bum that all he did was come and sponge he could come and stay and

eat and eat and eat until you finally shoved him out and sent him on his merry way whatever he whenever he was coming dad was really mad and didn't want him around but so he would eat so maybe he would just eat if you prepped a meal or he was picky about what he was eating yeah but he might have been loophole oh he's like oh you already made the duck all right i guess like he's probably doing that he's probably eating like a fucking king yeah he's like no more roast beef since you already got it like all killed and everything no don't be

crazy keep going oh is it sirloin night oh gosh well I guess it's already been killed mind if I put some shoes on I'm really changing he just loves slippers his fashion changed

oh when did he quote he wore a pyramid of three hats. Oh, no. Three hats now? Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Like, he needed a friend. Johnny needed a friend.

Johnny needed one guy to be like, Johnny, look. Okay. I love you. The two hats I get, because the first was a brim and the next was the cooking pot. So that makes sense. No, it doesn't. A hat under the cooking pot.

No, nothing. It keeps the pot closed. No, just carry a pot. Tide to your bindle sniff or whatever the fuck you're rocking. And then on top of all that was a hat with a crown. Okay. So, he was, oh man, he would do bad at the No Kings March. They'd be like, Johnny, no.

I'm the Apple King! No, Johnny, no. The sum total was of extremely odd rather ingenious. That's insane. It enabled him to kill. carry not only his kettle, but his treasure of sacred literature, sandwiched between the pot and the crown of the uppermost hat. Wait, wait.

What happened to the carrier? He had his stuff in a carrier at one point. Well, now he's got it up there. So now he's wearing a pot, a brimmed hat, a crown, and books. Yeah, well, it's like a library, and it keeps the books dry because they're under the pot, and his hands are left free to deal with the seed bags and the tools and stuff. What about a knapsack? or a bag.

Surely they had other things... I mean, I know they had other shit invented by then. Well, he doesn't need those because he has a pot and a hat. No, he does, because he's wearing a fucking... He is a totem pole. No wonder that we needed a ladder. He doesn't need a knapsack.

He's got a hat and a pot and a hat. If he hangs out with a monkey, I'm going to leave the goddamn stage. And then he got a monkey. Get on his back, boys. So he ages into his 60s, which is pretty shocking for a guy who's sleeping outside,

walking around with barefoot and everything else. This has got to be a crazy time. He starts to become a little cranky. While staying with a Quaker... He's a crab apple. While staying with a Quaker... Well, that's a reality show. On an all-new, Quaker in the Nut.

I'm there keep encroaching on what we should do. You know what? I'm going to put a syringe through my foot. Well, staying with the Quaker, he threw the Quaker's Universalist Christian book on the ground in disgust. He also, quote, frequently rebuked the young man for their levity and appeared much displeased if they were not attentive hearers. So he's getting old and irritated.

All right. Listen to me! Yeah. Well, he's putting a knitting needle through his, heel. In March in 1945, Johnny at 7, he marched 15 miles through snow and rain to fix a bramble fence

at one of his orchards. At a cabin belonging to William Worth and his family, he asked for a roof over his head and they happily obliged, as they'd done many times. He ate a lawn on the floor, as usual, I'm a dog.

And they gave him, and gave the people the good news, quote, right fresh from heaven. Johnny slept by the fire. Wait, what was the good news? I'm sure it was god shit. Blah, blah. Don't kill moths.

Whatever. Johnny slept by the fire, but by morning he had a fever and could not speak. Finally. We finally have the best Johnny ever. And then he died. Can you imagine being the fucking person with the house? Oh, what? Johnny Appleseed's dead by our fire.

and then you eat him who are those two hot ghosts over him oh my god I swear to God and then all of a sudden there are three ghosts one's doing anal and the other one the whole fucking thing was crazy man

and then what happened sir then they just titty fucked him by the fire for a little while I don't know it was totally insane it was crazy it was the crazy thing I've ever seen and then they put a bunch of splinterness in his feet and stuff like that yeah

that was pretty hot though that part was that was pretty hot kill my own worm I guess it kind of opens some stuff up in me you know what I mean and I just I never really looked at intimacy that way

Go to heaven already. Go to heaven. Oh, my God. Yes. Yes. Johnny, stop. Oh, yes. Oh, I waited so long.

Yes. Jesus, Johnny. This feels great. This reminds me of when I put it in an apple. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. This is Christ.

So we have a, I mean, it's like a, It's like an always-coming ghost in our house, and it's really bad. Woo! It does that all the time. Oh, my God. And honestly, we... It feels so good from the tip to the base. We would be fine with it not being here if it was just quiet.

Whoa. And sometimes... Yeah, we just need... Feeling hot, hot, hot, hot. Feeling hot, hot, hot. But da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then you think it's... You think it's quiet for a minute,

and the song stopped and, like, oh, maybe you'll go to sleep for a little while, because, you know, you need some kind of sleep. I'm gonna go to boom, boom, bum, bum, ba-da-da-da-up, but-da-da-da-bum-bum-bum-bub. Oh, we found out. This is from six. We found out that go. Woo, baby. Ghosts don't sleep after a while.

I'm a love it. They're not like people. Oh, it hurts, it hurts in a good way, in a good way. Hearts in a good way, hurts in a good way, it hurts in a good way. Ghost, it turns out. Oh, oh, that's it, I'm done. They can come over and over and over and they never get tired. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. So anyway, that's why I'm calling the ghost hunters on. I just need you guys to comment and help me out here Oh my God I don't think you're going to be able to sell the house Oh here I go again Oh the new shift son

Don't mind if I do Oh I got some wood to graft to you I don't have a smoke the doctor The doctor of pronouncement dead told everyone that he'd never seen

such a serene look on a corpse in his life Well, I think we know why Oh, holy Christ Look at his eyes Did he, was he smiling When he slept or was that just after? Much later,

the Worth family would say that the body was practically glowing with tranquility. I'll bet it were. Oh. For his final outfit, he wore, quote, the wastes of four pairs of pants.

Wait, wait. The wastes? That's what it says. It's a quote. Well, like, just the, plastic? These were cut off at the forks, ripped up at the sides, and the front's thrown away, saving the waistband attached to the hinder part. These hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles, so as to cover the whole lower part of his body. Over top at all,

next to the Chapman's skin was a coarse coffee sack with holes cut out for the arms and head and, quote, what was once pantaloons? What was once pantaloons? He cut off the butt part of the four pairs of pants and buttoned together as some sort of superpants. It's called fashion. That sounds like something EA would make. Who the fuck is that quote from who came up with super pants?

Don't worry about it. Super pants. Mind your fucking business. Will you please tell me what he wore one more time? The waist of four pairs of pants. Which is already not okay. These were cut off at the forks. The forks?

I believe that's the, so the, they're like... Okay, so we wore like booty shorts. Like denim cut. So we wore four pairs of booty shorts. Ripped up at the sides. They just said juicy on the back, Johnny. So the, so they're ripping up the sides, the hinder part. So they're basically like, the front's thrown away.

Mini skirts. Well, so they're, so it's open at the front. Mini, yeah. No, because the mini skirt doesn't, isn't like, here's my genitals. These are open at the front. Bro, have you ever, what? Okay. Okay.

Saving the waistband attached. to the hinder part so the back ass part is covered the hinder parts were buttoned around him lapping like shingles so as to cover the whole

lower part of his body so he had four butt parts it's a it's a it's a lower cape I think what he's wearing is a smock it's a lower cape it's the back

yeah he's wearing a smock are smocks in the back Smocks are in the front. Well, yeah, but it's like smock technology. It's a reverse smock. He's wearing a backwards apron. Can you imagine this fucking, like, legend showing up in a backwards apron? What's for supper?

And then dying in front of your fire? Like, the fuck they're going to think we did this to him. We're going to be implicated in the weirdest murder of our time. We need to get him in the attic. There's no stairs up there, you idiot. if only technology would give us away. It's four smocks. Four smocks.

Four smocks. Four smocks at the back. And then he's just got like a little fucking miniskirt on at the front. You know, you try to, you try to like... And no shoes, because he stepped on a worm once. Three hats. This is... And then coffee. You're mad at fashion.

No. I'm flagging this. Over top. at all next to the Chapman's skin. I don't know what Chapman's skin is. Doesn't matter at this point. Was a coarse coffee sack with a holes cut out for arms and head that was once pantaloons.

So... That was once pantaloons. I think the coffee sack used to be worn as pants. But only for one person, him. Him, yeah. Yeah, so he eventually was like, you know what? The downstairs is really taken care of itself. But I'll bet you I could wear

my old coffee bag pants as a shirt. so he cut off the butt part of four pairs of pants and buttoned them together like some sort of super pants and it makes sense if you think about it and then he shows up and you're like how are you Johnny good pretty good nobody's giving me credit for nothing no more

I basically built this country is it time for supper? Oh that's good no no put it in a bowl I'll eat it off the floor like a canine. Woo, I'm pooped. All right. Hey, I'm awake. I'm very sick.

Oh, no. Uh, ah. And then Tim Gunn comes in, and what are you doing here? We don't know who he is. I love this. This is amazing. No, we don't know him. Great.

His estate was valued at $15,000 in today's money. In today's money? Yes. his estate was valued at 15,000 in today's money all that well he gave it all to the church i know but still for the someone to come in and be like all right this is two dollars i'm sure he had a pot a pot fund all all was sold to pay back taxes or debt and then tributes poured in sam houston William Tocundsener Sherman, all these big famous guys are like, I love Joddy Appleseed.

A Harper's article by Charles Allen Smart described what his life meant. He embodies, quote, the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion. That has been friendly, sensible, and brave instead of aggressive and bloody that has nurtured life instead of destroying

it and that has been sensitive to the beauty of this continent and done something to create here a civilization Johnny Appleseed stands for ourselves at our best. Not wrong.

Not right either. Not wrong and not right. Without question. But it definitely look, I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds. That would be better yeah yeah then we we we act like we hate nature yeah and it all and it is yeah but but yes maybe a better he smelled really bad and may yeah look he's a flawed messenger he is a uh

the messiah had a pot on its head but uh but there is something to that idea that like that all the the general thinking behind every everything he was doing is great. It's far closer to what it should be. It's just, and then towards the end, he got bitter, and he obviously just wore four aprons backwards, but that is better. I mean, that is a way better way than now where you're like, what are you going to do, save a tree?

Shut up, fucking tree hugger. Yeah, a tree, fucking tree hugger. Are you mad that I like trees? By the way, anyone who calls you a tree hugger's never taken mushrooms. There's nothing better on mushrooms than hugging a tree. you gain all of its knowledge in exchange for some of your water. It's pretty fucking straightforward. I'd fuck a tree out of mushrooms.

Great. How great would it be to hang out with Johnny Appleseed on mushrooms? Oh, my God. You just don't tell him, though? It wouldn't be that great. You don't tell him? He'd be just going off. Man, these trees are fucking humming right now, dude.

Don't say that too much. You keep saying. that right over here holy shit i want to hug this tree star keep caught they're messing up the pace uh research was done by josh and drowsky

uh johnny apple johnny apple seed the man the myth the american story by howard means johnny apple seed a pioneer hero by w d hayley and harper's magazine wow that's it wow

It's also fun to picture this thing banging two ghosts. Yep. Well. That was... The story of Paul Bunyan. It's... It's not the same as what you're told as a child.

No. no they really did sanitize that they really did a good job of taking out a lot of the weird stuff to be quite honest oh yeah it might be one of the only times where like american history they were like these cuts are valid oh yeah like they just hung in there with like the his name was johnny apple seed he loved trees what did he wear there'll be no more questions cut the mic cut the mic what was his favorite shoe Shut up. Shut the mic. Did he ever heard a worm?

Stop. All right, shut the lights off. Was he married? All right, that's it. Show's over. Show's over, everybody. Show is over. Thank you, everybody.

Thanks for coming. Oh, and if you're, if you paid for the meat and green VIP thing, stick around and sit up front. Thank you, everybody. Thanks, Columbus. Appreciate it. I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary. It's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

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