The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 712 - Henry Hudson - part one

Episode Date: December 9, 2025

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine explorer Henry Hudson. Part one of two. SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH   Aura Frames - Use Code: Dollop Hims  Mint Mobile  Hydrow - Code: Dollop

I can't wait to see Vancouver this time of year. The brisk refreshing air, autumn leaves scattered across Stanley Park. I'll get to hang out at Granville Island Public Market and try the local delicacy, candied smoked salmon. And best of all, I get to see a crowd of adoring fans at the Rio Theater. While daydreaming of fall travel, I realize my home could be working for me. I'm talking about hosting my home on Airbnb. Might as well, right?

Otherwise, it will just be sitting empty while I'm gone. While you're off living your best life, your home could be bringing in some extra cash. Whether you're off for a work trip or a family vacation, why not make the most of it? Hosting on Airbnb is smart and a practical way to help cover travel costs. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.c.a. slash host. Did I tell you about the laser pub gun? So I got this gun to laser off my pubs, and I guess everybody's using it, and it's like huge in Brazil.

Like Brazilian waxers are going out of business in Brazil. Where can I get it? There's a website called laser pub off.com. And I went there and I got my pubs lasered off so fast. Yeah. Like it was ridiculous. It's the only place to go. You're listening to the Dallup.

It's an American History podcast for each week. I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to my arch enemy. Garred Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. By the way, I think it's time for me to run through my qualities, and one of them is Tech Wizard. Because we've been trying to record for an hour and 40, and it just happened. Dave, can I do something? Let me do something very inappropriate. I sat back and watched football. You did nothing. I want to say thank you to Melissa Jones, who sent me 12 bottles of exceptional wine.

Not me. And you didn't ask for it. And her... Her... I don't know her... It's a Paso Robles, I think. Oh, Paso Robles, yeah. Pasa Robles, yeah.

That's a... That's a... It wasn't when I was in college in San Luis Obispo. It wasn't a wine place, but it is now. Oh, it's... Pear Valley. Paso Robles. That's where they make pears.

That wine. It's too hot for pears there, so I don't know. E. Gads is that wine. Why it's called Pear Valley. That's some good wine. Are you done? Yeah, I'm done with that part. Because that took a lot of time.

But wait, there was one other thing I was going to say. Oh, I met a guy named Amo in Seattle. And he said when he first listed to the dollop, I told you this. We were talking about the guy who got eaten by the Anaconda, and it was terrible. And he was like, I thought this was a history show. I was like talking about it for eight minutes. And he was like, the show's garbage. And then he like listened to the rest.

He was like, yeah. Yeah, was one of your, did you tell him what was one of your tangents? Yeah. But I, but again, I'm the kid. I'm the Boy Scout. I'm the 15-year-old boy. Absolutely not. Absolutely.

Look at these forehead pimples. You're an old man who keeps oiling himself up. I've been, well, okay, real quick, then we'll be done. But it's a shame that the Marin clip hit so hard when he was talking about Rogan and a lot of people talking about how shiny I look. One guy, or to a couple people, I stopped scrolling through the comments, but a lot of people said I had, it's called those Empec Head. Well, it's, is that? Is that a thing?

Do you get shiny? I haven't heard that one. I didn't know you got all greasy. If people want to know the secrets, I, before the podcast, I urinate on Geras' face. Yeah. That's how I, that, well, remember, it was going to be a rotating guest. Yeah. No, it's just me peeing on you.

No, but I've secured the job by getting a golden bath every time. Yeah, it's a golden shower podcast. We're doing the Anaconda thing. 1565. Or 1570 in there somewhere. 1565 to 1570. I'm not one of those time Nazis. London. London.

Hendrick Henry Hudson was probably born around then. We don't know. Most likely to a trading family. We don't know anything about his upbringing at all. We don't even know his parents' names. We know his grandfather's name was Henry Hudson, but we don't know the parents' names. Okay. So it's like baldness.

It skips a generation. Yeah. But that doesn't happen with baldness Nobody knows what's Although my grandfather went bald when he was 18 I think you'd rather that I don't I think if you're gonna lose it

Yes I think if you're gonna lose it Do it at 18 It's better that than like 38 But I think it's very hard to get Sex as it's called When you're a bald 18 year old Look here's what I've found My friend

Who's been shaving his head Because he was going bald since he was 18 But he looks like he should be bald. But he's looked, Brett, well, he can say his name. He can say his name. And he, and people tell him, they're talking about you. But he looks like a guy. He's looked the same for 20 years. He looks like a guy he should have never had hair. But he, and I don't believe he did. But he has looked the same for 20 years. Whereas someone you keep checking in with every few years who's going bald, you're like, they're getting old. He, Brett looked

old at 18 and now has looked the same his entire life. My college, you met, I felt sorry for because when he would blow dry his hair, all this hair, stick to the wall behind him, and I'd just be like, dude. Dude. Dude. I think it's rough to losing

in your mid-20s. Checks in the mail, yeah. It's roughest. It's always rough. This is a neutrophiland. Yeah. Okay, so historians know that his father or grandfather was an alderman in London

and a founding member of the Muscovy company which formed to facilitate trade with Ivan. the Terribles Russia. Oh, wow. But you knew that. Yeah, I mean, I knew that. You're a big muscovian. I said, oh, wow, because I was like, I know that.

Yeah. Yeah. Henry was the youngest of eight sons. So the right amount. Back then, older sons got cushy administrative jobs at their family companies, while younger sons were eaten. Went to see it, like 10 to 12 years old. Went to see?

Went to learn how to be a sailor. Get out there and fucking learn the trade, kid. Well, unfortunately, you've been eight from row. so you'll be, you're off to have a Poseidon adventure. Sorry about that, boy. Sworn the deck. If only you'd been one of them early nuts. That's a shame, yeah.

It's a bit of a shame that you were one of my later loads. But that's what happens. Look, I've banged a lot, I've shot a lot into your mum, but you was at the end of the queue, wouldn't you? Hey, Dad, I didn't need to hear the load stuff. Don't worry. This is before pulling out, it's been a thing. Popper.

Yeah, go on then. Let's not talk about the jizz. Well, you're not going to have to hear a lot because you're going to go off as a fisherman. I'd like that to be away. Whereas your brother, he's a CEO of a lovely company. I'd like to be away. And he's got a cushy job and two wives.

I'd like to be away. He's got a pet monkey. From you, you fucking moppet. You, because you've decided to gestate him our testicles for so long, you've now got to go off to sea. Well, you'll probably be hanging about the, you know, he'd be saying things like starboard and poop deck and things of that nature and you learn what an anchor is.

Hey, dead. Speaking of which, you really, you're the, the load that you was in really anchored to the bottom or what are more fucking loads. I'll tell you that much. Jesus Christ, do you want to be alone? Do you need me to leave you for a little while? I think you're alone now. And speaking of like the anaconda, that a lot of people just left.

No, because this is on topic, believe it or not. This is a reenactment of some version of it. It could have happened in one of the dimensions. Okay, so, Henry Hudson, probably started as a cabin boy. Okay. In the 17th century, cabin boyans ran errands for officers. They assisted the cook, they cleaned,

they swabbed the poop deck. Aye! And carried messages and meals across the ship. And they helped with sails, they stood watch at the helm, and in wartime, they carried gunpowder as a powder monkey. Well, a lot of those things, the things that I said earlier, and you was all negative. No, it's one.

Now I'm just a voice in my boy's head while he's at sea. You're so obsessed with what you said that you've missed powder monkey. No, because I was mentioned monkey earlier. Let's suppose what was referencing. Shouldn't most monkeys in nature have gunpowder? Absolutely, yeah. How long until? We're arming gorillas.

Nobody's given Capuchin's machetes. Henry worked his way up and became captain of his own ship. So years, years and years and years. Sure. He may have fought against the Spanish. He could also have been a pirate. Nobody knows in the early 1590s. So if you didn't write down what was going on with you, that was it.

Nobody knew. Yeah. Like if you're just a guy in the crew on a ship in the 1500s, no one knows. Yeah, you are not. You are an extra. Yeah, no one is right. You are, yeah. You're an NPC?

He gets married to a woman and Catherine. They have three sons, Oliver, John, and Richard. Okay. In January 1607, when he was around 40, Henry was described as a proficient seaman. By the way, that was what I did. No, no. Because when I had eight boys,

and that's what you call some proficient fucking semen, mate. Everyone. That was a lot of semen. We're all upset with the load. You know, the thing about the load. is it regenerates every 24 hours. Enough, enough.

Get out of the pub. Let me say one thing. Let me say one thing. Every time. Let me say, you're coming to the pub and you start talking. I'll leave. But let me say one thing before I'll fuck off.

Okay. You've got to think when you yank on your taja a bit and the, you know, the glue comes out, you've got to think some of that semen, some of those sperm are skeletons. All right. all right, goodbye. No. You invite me back in?

No one wants to drink now. Yeah, but think about it. It ruined the whole atmosphere. Few of those are just dead guys. A secret report also said he, quote, has in his possession secret information to find the northeast passage. Okay.

To what? To Asia. Okay. So this was apparently from a lost 80-year-old pamphlet that suggested a covert crossing from England through the North Pole to the Far East, Japan, China, China, to do trade. Wait, wait, I know, I know nothing. You do know nothing. I do, I know nothing. England to the North Pole.

They want a shortcut because they got to go, you got to go. Why are they going through Santa Lane? Because you got right now, you got to go south. Is this our Christmas episode? You got to go, no, you got to go down. It feels like it could be. You need to stop talking. They go down around Africa and then that way, right?

Uh-huh. That's the way they're going. Uh-huh. So they want a shortcut, obviously. It's just, here's, as a man. And you're talking, you're talking, you're talking, North Pole. How many episodes have we done? It's, it's exhausting.

Anytime they're, uh, we're talking about, you know, snowy, icy land. I get a little, uh, my nipples get hard. I get worried. That's fair. um so they yeah so they want a shorter route basically and at that time it was thought because the sun was shining for three months in the summer in the northern latitudes that the ice would melt and a ship could make it across the top of the world the brits are so sun-starved that they have no constant now oh we can do that we won't for a while summer let's go don't worry we'll be fine

i mean not a terrible assumption to think that well like because ice melts everywhere in the summer So you think, well, it's got to do that in the north, too. Not a, not like a hollow earth theory. I mean, I'm looking back with knowledge. True. Well, some knowledge. I'm looking back with some stuff. Not a lot.

So the theory also, one guy's theory was also that the water was warm. Okay. Just a theory. So now Henry has a reputation as a great navigator. He's also a nepo baby. So that's the perfect combo for the Moscovy company to commission him to explore the Northeast Passage. Okay. They gave him 80,000 in today's money.

The Nepo baby part just because they're like, oh, well, I mean, obviously, it's nepotism. So you're just rising to the top. Yeah, they're not going to give that to just. If you just are good navigator, they're not going to be like, you should run a ship. Yeah. It's not going to happen. So he spends three days at St. Ethelburg's church praying over whether or not to take this job, and then he finally decides to do it. So he doesn't jump with a chance.

Right. And once it is agreed upon, and while waiting for supplies in Amsterdam, he heard rumors of a northwest route to the Pacific through North America. And once ready, he headed out to sea with his crew, 10 men and his son John. So he thinks that it's there. What does he think is there? The past, he thinks he's going to be like a whoop straight across. Okay. And he's with his son, John.

John is on every, John, every ship. Every journey we cover. John will be there. John's the daddy boy. Okay. He's the new Nepo. But a couple, in a couple of weeks in, he deviates from the route that the company had given him. And instead of going north, he went northwest, which is the-

Going with your gut. in a moment like that it's it's not like get off the freeway do side streets for a minute but he heard while he was there that there was the northwest sure it's a rumor basically so he's falling a rumor across the ocean right which we've done sure uh so it's kind of the opposite of the way that he is supposed to go and he doesn't tell the crew don't tell so wait is that like because i'm an idiot so i think you just turn i think it just sounds like you just kind of like move the wheel a little, and people are like, I've told you the story about when I found

nine flowers and put him in a book and pressed him. Well, he's just like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Just try, he's just going a little left. Hey, boss, why is the sun's over there? Yes, about that. I've charted a rumor course. There was his say of a different route,

so I've ignored the maps and the navigation, and we'll just go this way for a bit. he mostly doesn't care about what he's told to do and he again is like one thing if you know it's like you're trying to get to a bar yeah i know but running a ship is trying to go to asia like i think am i a little right up here he just assumes he's smarter than everyone else in this case he is smarter than the crew but sure but he really genuinely is but boss is it true your teeth are just toes for your mouth uh Yeah

That's exciting Your teeth are just toes for your mouth That's what I've learned Your teeth are just toes for your mouth That's what we've learned Teases to throw your mouth How about you go below I'm about you

How's about you go below deck Yeah All right Well I'm going under the boards That are up As about you go below deck Without the singing Yeah

About you go below the deck Without this Without What about What about going below deck Without any of the Of the words He asked me to not sing a song

As I go Along the deck Okay Now I'm going beneath the ship Whoops I've fallen over ball so the ship goes to the arctic oh it turns out the water's not warm yeah right and travel no is that that guy's not along with them no he's just he's a guy with a theory back in wherever

at home eating soup like hmm it's pretty good and traveling that far north really fucks with your compass because of the earth magnetic fields it will never point truly north okay so any any season navigator knows that, but Henry's men are on their first real voyage so they have, they come up with a whole different explanation. Okay.

Witchcraft. Which? Not great. Prove it's not right. Not great. It's strange what's going on. Boss, there's only one thing it could be. What's that?

A witch. Okay. She's pulling us in. Please go down below. The witch has put. a spell on the ship. It would be great if you were down below, yeah? Oh, right, I'll go that way.

Where we're going, Belad? Oh, I see the song. So they believe the ship has been cursed by a dark magic spell, which was caused by the compass. And they decided the way to handle this is by locking Henry in the hold and turning the ship around. It's not bad.

It's not a bad. Their version of a double tap. So they think he is the problem. He, his compass, they think his compass is the problem. But he's the owner of the compass. So he's been cursed, and by proxy,

the compass has gone with him. So they're going to lock the captain in a cabin and start going on their own. But he somehow manages to talk his way out of the mutiny. And he reluctantly puts on a, like a bit of a science demonstration to show how, magnetic deflection works so he does he has to show them how science

how the compass works he has to like break it down for the dummies that must have been exciting wait what are you mean that if you've ever been on the Joe Rogan podcast you would know what this is excuse me wait so how does this magnet work then

um well you see the magnetic fields are pulling us oh don't what where have you got access to all that then Again, I just have it Is that a witch? I believe a witch has given him.

Yeah. No, no, no, no. It's a witch. How do you know all this? That's it. I mean, he's stupid. He's... In retrospect.

Well, in retrospect. They must have been... They're like bugs. They're not... We put a bunch of sand and we thought we could go inside the hole in the middle, boy. There's always been Maga. But he did satisfy them momentarily,

but there's still a weary of the witch bad juju feeling floating around. So they kind of give them a pass for now. Yeah, they basically, they don't mutiny, but they're like keeping eye on that one. You're on probation. We're watching you, Captain. So they map the, so they're coming. down now so they mapped the

Undiscovered northeast coast of Greenland and tried to find the top of it and while they were there the ship was rammed from behind by a Grampus Oh I'm sorry I've never driven a boat before

Grampus A grampus A grampus I lost my boating glasses Hadn had a dog named grumpus Grumpus is different than grampus Grampus is great Grampus is a great thing to call your grandpa.

Yeah, right? Yeah. A grampus is basically an undiscovered type of whale or porpo. So it's a sea animal that you don't know what it is. And it's big. You call it a grampus. Okay. So it's big enough to shake the ship when it hits it.

So probably some kind of whale. Okay. The crew did not like this at all. No, it sounds like a witch. Apparently it's a very, it's a very bad omen to be slammed. in the rear by a grampus. Well, you know that. I'll tell you what.

I spent, I lived in. Don't go to Shady Acres retirement home. I lived in the Castro so I can say this for, without a doubt. I got rammed by a grampus. What room is he and Diane? Hey, how much get ram by the grampus? So, uh, one of my sugar daddies is a grandpa. Oh.

Fears of wizardry are simmering, right? Henry's first mate was William Collins, and they start getting into arguments so much that Henry demotes him to Boston. I should have looked up what that is, B-O-S-U-N, Bosen. Bosen. It's more, it's the, it's kind of, I guess, instead of like, what is he now? He was the first mate. Yeah, so now he's basically just like a dude.

A higher-up deck hand. Yeah, so that's shit. So, and then he replaced Collins with a guy who had really no experience. So, Henry is a shit leader. Okay. He's not good at leading. It's very, very cold. Do you want to know how I knew that?

I'm going to give you one guess. No. What? I'll give you one guess. No, I don't have any guesses. Below deck. Oh, the show below deck. Yeah.

So for anyone who thinks that I'm not doing research. Right now, this is like doing a podcast with my mom. Well, I guess I need to give her another look. Are you comparing a early 1600s voyage on the sea to unexplored areas? I'm saying that we wouldn't know what a boatswain was unless I'd watched 48 seasons of below deck. So you just know what a word means. I know the role that you didn't look up. So you get on this like whole, I did all the work kick.

Buddy. I'm out there every Monday night watching Mediterranean, watching the sailing. yacht. I did all the work. We now know what a bosom is. Actually, I didn't do all the work. It was very, very cold and did not help they ran into a solid ice sheet, which pushed them further

northeast. And probably further to thinking that there's warlock stuff happening. And there they discovered the Svalbard Island archipelico off the coast of Norway and claimed it for England. Just a fucking smattering of islands.

They're like, these are English. A problem was that it had already been claimed by a demonizer, maybe the most efficient ones on Earth at the time, the Dutch. How did that work declaring it? First, their flags? Yeah, I think you put a flag in the ground. I mean, it's kind of like... Once you know it's there, you plant the flag,

and then you put it on a map, and you go, bang, ours. Okay. which doesn't make much sense. But also, like another country could take it by just... That's what I mean. But then you got to put soldiers on and be like, it's ours. Yeah, England wouldn't do that. No.

Henry and his crew spent about two weeks exploring and mapping islands that had already been explored and mapped. Cool. A lot of fun discoveries. It's like how America was discovered. And then suddenly half the crew came down with a violent illness. This is witch shit. This time, they didn't think it was black magic

because they knew the reason. and they had eaten a polar bear which has a toxic liver for people and you know so that discovery it's hard

it says a lot about the time it is a hard thing to learn so it turns out you can't eat polar bear liver we've discovered that one a hard way I mean but how would you know that because I wouldn't I wouldn't think you would you wouldn't start with it

yeah you wouldn't start with it but also like when you consume the liver I doubt you would just eat the liver you'd probably have other parts maybe there was someone who like figured it out but for the most part you were like

you can't eat polar bays you're eating like all the meat and then the liver but eventually one guy was like I only had liver last night I've never felt so awful um on July 13th

they reached their northernmost point which was as far north as any European explorer had ever been okay this is where they had their most harrowing moment when an iceberg

barreled towards them. It would smash... Iceberg stayed where it was. No, it's moving. It's being pushed probably by a current or whatever. Oh, okay. Fast enough for them to be like, oh my God! Well, they're also...

They're going towards it. Yeah, they're both going towards each other. It's not just like an iceberg at night, like, fuck off. Well, you get up there. They move like 50 miles an hour. It's coming at you. It's from the magnetics. Jamie, can you look, can you check that?

No. It'd be great if he just started saying no. No, I'm not going to. It would, how much do you think Jamie gets paid? Lots. You do? Yeah. So it would smash them between the ice and the rocky shore,

but Henry was quick on his feet, and he had his 11-person crew all jump into an auxiliary boat and tow the 80-ton. ship out of the way and it somehow worked and they and they survived interesting okay so he's a good navigator yeah that was good but it so in this in that moment like that great but when you're just out at sea he's awful i mean i don't know he's a duch i don't know he's a sea douche i mean that's a by the way that's a jellyfish no actually that's the uh the the cucumber sea cucumber ever experienced one of those delicious very upsetting

By the end of July, Henry realized the weather was already gearing up for winter. In July. Yeah. It's, you know, it's very north. Not much of a summer, is it? Oh, shit. I'm bloody hell. So there'd be no chance to find a passage to the far east, but the journey is not a total disappointment to the financial backers because...

They went north. As they tracked back, they killed huge amounts of whales and walruses. Okay, great. So they're getting the blubber and the... There's a high blubber market? Yeah, oil. Yeah, a huge blubber market. Right, okay.

So the Muscoly company would profit off investing in whaling ships. And this leads to a massive influx of whaling of Greenland. Some people say he kicked off the whole whaling. Awesome. So this guy is a hero. Yeah. That's awesome. Because if he didn't do that, you'd go out in the ocean right now.

You'd be like, oh, he's fucking wail! It would be terrible. No, it would be real bad for sure. We need less of them, no doubt. So they head back to London, and on the way, he made an actual discovery, a mountainous island 340 miles long, off the northeast coast of Iceland. And he called it Hudson's Touches. Hudson's Touches? Yeah, it's like a...

Epstein Island? It's like the first Epstein Island. Hudson Touches? Yeah. Come on, boys. Let's go ashore. super weird hustler column. Well, if you can name it that

then any of the crew that come on short, you can be like so here's the thing. Hudson Touches is... It's a creepy island. When you go to New York and it would just be like a salon. Not a lot of islands are named after touching. And I think it clearly

we've made that a good decision. Yeah, but that's what he wrote in his journal. Hudson Touches. Here's the... The guys are like, what you mean? It's going to be called Hudson Touches. I just think that's kind of cool. Come on, boys.

It's just a Hudson touches. Let's get on the island. All right. You guys like to frolic? Let's lose the shirts and gets the Hudson touches. Now, here's the problem. Because he had taken an unauthorized route, which would get him in trouble. Why?

With who? With the company? Yeah. That's amazing, too. So he never tells anybody he discovered the island. So Hudson touches just sits there. So it's discovered by someone else eventually. The Dutch would later find it and clam it for themselves.

He just sat at home and was like, damn it. Named it like Yon something. It's called Yon Fingers. Yeah, like Yon Mejee or something like that. Yon Mayhew, he touched. So he was 500 miles off course, so he couldn't. Right. So, yeah.

The entire voyage approved a couple of things. Number one, he's a shitty fucking leader. Yeah. And then he's a fantastic navigator. Okay. So this was the first voyage of its kind not to lose a single member of the crew. Interesting. Right, because that's where I thought we were going.

Yeah. Back in England, Henry buckled down and did a bunch of research. Nice. To come up with a route that would go through Russia and Arctic waters and actually make it over there, or China, as it's called now. Okay. And the Muscovy Company agreed to finance another voyage because they were scared that if Ivan the Terrible died, they would lose valuable access to via the Russian land.

routes okay so so i've been terrible for them great guy great guy not terrible no yeah it's kind of like whatever you need it's almost it's almost like people will put aside any morality for money there we go with the politics again the we just have fun the first mate on this journey was robert jewett keep going he had been on two previous journeys with henry including the last one that I described, and Jewett was a competent, literate man whose restless and dissatisfied nature led to distrust and confrontations. So I... Good first mate quality.

I was going to say, I like some of it. He's like, he's got his opinions. He's going to be a dick. It's important. He's got a vision. Yeah. But also he's not a great collaborator. No.

Right. He was great his job, but he'd let you know just how shitty you were at yours, especially. if you were the captain. Oh, okay. All right. In a journal, Henry describes him as a, quote, man filled with mean tempers. Okay.

So, Jewett was... Jesus, the name's tough, huh? Well, it's J-U-E-T, so... J-U-E-T. Ju-U-T. Could be J-U-T. J-E-W-E-T. Well, people have also write it as J-E-W-T-T, so...

Well, There we go. That's why I would that pronounce it. Absolutely. It is a Jewett. The dollup is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Yeah. Look.

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But Luke skips those a lot of times just to go to the, uh, Hampton and buffet. We just do it again because everyone's got to be on hand for that. Right, I'm all pissed up. What have I missed? There was a priest here making sure the voyage was all right.

Ah, bloody hell. Um, then when the ship was about to embark, he refused to send his friends home. So he's just part of it. I've got a crew of mates. And, um, I think they're going to come along with us. Is that all right? No, it's not, no.

Go on, it's just four of them. It's not all right, it's a crew. We've been playing grog pong. We're like a frat. We're awesome. Right, they've got to go. Well, it's too late. We're already...

He probably told them when they left. Yeah, right. By the way, don't think I've mentioned this. Four of my besties, now on board. By the way, I've got Bert and Jeff. Hello. Hey, boys. I'm a bit of a lot.

a problem. Christ, what? And I get horribly seasick. What? So Henry had to go to Adam personally deal with this and kicks the friends off. Okay.

Later, when a sailor went to tell Jewett it was his turn for watch, Jewett fought back, and then he had to be lash several times just to do the most basic part of his job. Oh, my God. He sounds awful. Yeah, it's very, yeah.

He sounds really like not what you want. It's not what you want. No, I mean, you're supposed to have a, you know, a good leader, lead by example. So he started out pretty cranky. I mean, this is like... I'm not doing that. This is like awesome. And then you have to lash him.

All right, fine. Oh, fuck me. Just lashing me. There we go with this shit. The ice made the voyage impossible from the start. Several men became quite ill. And then Henry started to have problems with the crew. Again, probably because of his terrible personality.

His relationship with the crew was not helped by his decision to impulsively do a complete 180 and head west to North America without telling them. How slow of a Ui do you have to pull for the crew to be like? I don't think it was slow. Didn't we already go? Didn't we ever see that I ask? I don't think it was slow. I think he just cranked that bitch around. He just did like a bootleggers Ui.

Yep. And they were like, wow. Yeah, what is this? What are you doing? I forgot my keys. We're supposed to be going e's, Captain. Yes, I left something back at the Hudson Finger Lakes or whatever it's called. That's your name.

Yes. Well, look, we'll just, I left my hat, and we'll get that, and then we'll finish going, all right? What? Yay. You're not making... Hib-hip, hooray. No. Hip-hip.

Hooray. Fuck off. Hip, hip, hooray. Fuck off. All right. That's a bit, come on now.

Um, when the men saw the West return, they think they're headed home to England. Did nobody? Should we ask him what's happening? No, we're going home to our wives. But then they went,

you know, obviously past England. Uh, sorry. Hold on. Hold on. Now. Yes.

Um, uh, yes. Um, Hold on. I'm coming up with a fib. It seems like a bunch of shit. Yes.

We're going in through the back. What? Yes. Back of what? The England. Oh, you've never heard about the back way of England? No. Oh, we're going to slam the back of England like a grampus.

Oh. Yes, it's really just quite a way to go. We're the grampus. Sure. Yes, right. Yeah, we're going to go in through the back and you'll love it. It's really good.

Oh, it's way better. You are beaches. Yes, that's it. We're going to see the beaches of England's back. Oh, it's really nice. You'll love it. And they've got lemonade. They've just invented that.

A lovely sugary drink made from lemons, which also prevents scurvy. But we probably don't know about that yet. So, ignore that. But we'll go there and have lemonade. And they've got big, big umbrellas. and we'll put them on the beach and we'll sit under it

and let's if we go the back way so we've got to go this way for a while and then we'll circle back and then we'll go and through the back and if we... Hold on if we pass North America that's fine but it's all because we want to go do the beach party

we'll have balls filled with air multicolored beach balls they'll call them hip hip hip hooray hip hip hooray hip hip all right I'm pretty sure we've had lemonade for a long time Oh good Well then these will be really good ones

And you'll really like it And well Yeah it'll be really good And we'll have a good time And we'll lay on blankets And the girls will have They'll show their tummies The girls will show their tummies

In their swimming costumes Shut up No well I'm just trying to talk While you fix your mic a bit as well So let me tell you other things that'll happen on there. There'll be the beach pools, the women who show their tummies,

there'd be big umbrellas, and what was the other thing? Lemonade? Lemonade, yes, right, yes, lemonade. And we're all going to be getting really laid. So that'll be good. All right. All right.

Well, that went on for a while. I think I. Dear Diary, I've lied horribly to the crew today about what we're doing and made up a bunch of stuff about beaches. Did you know Lemonade exists? When they found out was actually going on,

there was almost a mutiny. Sure. And Henry ends up turning back to England but said the crew absolutely did not force his hand. Right, its choice. To prove it, he wrote up a certificate in calligraphy stating he was not mad and it was actually his idea to go home

and as they got off, he gave a copy to every crew member. Well, that's very authentic. That's like getting the Nobel Peace Prize from FIFA. This is the most I'm Not Mad moment of all time. All right. And I think you'll all see by this calligraphy certificate that I decided to do this and fuck you all. But not everything was terrible. On June 15th, they saw a topless mermaid.

You know what? That was a drowning woman. Let me just say, if I see a mermaid, she better be top. I don't want another clothed mermaid. I hate that. I'm okay with a shell, bro. But, you know, it really says a lot about the sort of unchecked testosterone that was flowing through every ship that they had to create. It's a horny ship.

Fish women. No, I mean, imagine seeing a seal and wanting to fuck it. I mean, just seeing a porpoise and being like, you see that big woman and the other guy's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I see it. Are we going in? Our fish off tits. Has anyone seen the one that's just a fish head and a vagina? That one looks pretty good too.

I want to love her, but I also want to eat her. So she's half a fish, have ladies, so I can do sex with the top part and then the bottom part. I can have like a meal. You're getting horrible. I can cook it. This is what we'll say. the dream woman is one who's topless and you can shag her

and then cook a bottom for dinner also I'm cooking up an idea of a different one that's got a bottom lady part and then the top of her is old fish that's what I've just talked about were you listening no yeah we've already talked about that one all fish top

what I want is feet head the rest fish Hold on Now here's an idea The top half Is all fish And the bottom part We already talking about that

Is all legs Is mine right The top's fish Uh huh And the bottom's fish Oh my god Imagine having to go at that Yeah not any one Frank

That'd be nice Hey Her heads a fish head And then her bottoms A fish too Oh Oh that'd be nice we caught Frank having

Holy shit She's fucking gorgeous We caught Frank having sex With a barracuda Oh yeah You know about a mermaid girl Who's your daddy Just walking into the bar

With a dead fish Her name's Diane And she's mine Oh my god Henry said two men Saw the mermaid And she had long black hair Pale skin

Woman's breasts And a porpoise tail speckled like a mackerel. Quote, she looked earnestly on the man as they gathered on the side of the ship and looked at her. Right.

We are eliminating the public jack-off rule for five minutes. And then he named the two men who saw her, Robert Rayner and Thomas Hills. So it's kind of like throwing them on the bus a little bit. Well, but they believed, right? Yeah, I mean, I think they saw a seal pop up

and look at them and they're like, oh. it's probably misty they're also super horny yeah i think it is it's like uh it's like a it is it's it's just like if your balls created a mirage yeah uh so it's been raining a lot and the crew is just fucking done they're over it and he noted in his log that hints of a mutiny were rising so sounds like there was all like mutiny was always on the horizon back to fucking england um terrible so uh for the company profitable again they hunted They hunted whales and walruses that got tusks and blubber. Sure.

But he did not find a northeast passage, which was the whole point of the journey. So back in England, Henry made a new journey pitch. Was there anything that came of this one, this journey? No, not really. It was just kind of a hang. Yeah. So he makes a new journey pitch, but for some reason he can't find any backers. Because they're like, you've done nothing.

Yeah, I mean, Muscovy is getting, the company is getting, they're kind of lose an interest in the Northeast Passage. You're like, this isn't going to happen. But then the French, they start showing some interest. They're like, oh, you've got a Northeast Passage possibility situation? They're saying that to the company? The French. Are saying that to who?

To Hudson. Oh, to Hudson. They're like, hey, you're a fucking. So look, it's time for you to fail upwards because you've done nothing so far. well they also want a shorter way to get to the east I would love the opportunity so once the French start sniffing around then the Dutch jump in immediately because they don't want the French to find a northeast route right so the Dutch are going to do it so they quickly make an offer

to Hudson yeah Jesus Christ can have the French winning this is very musky yeah it is so naturally this lying idiot deserves more money so naturally Henry then join an Englishman joins forces with England's greatest rival the Dutch East India Company. Right, which we've heard of. So while he's negotiating

a very strict contract with the Dutch, he receives a package from his friend and the famous James Town settler, Captain John Smith. They'd serve together on ships and stuff. For those of you don't remember,

go back and listen to episode, I think, 312 for that guy. Smith said a passage to the west lay to the north through America. Well, we've already sort of tried that. And he sent maps given to him by Native Americans

and so accurate. And they're accurate because the maps actually... Good maps. Well, they actually have the Great Lakes in them. So it's a legitimate map for that time. Excuse me. I don't think I'm going to listen to a bunch of Indians about what exists in this world.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go through Earth's drain in the middle of the Atlantic. But even though this is a new mission, it's the same orders. Find a northeast passage. Right. That's what they want. Yep.

And they give them a ship, which is called the half moon. Not a great, it's less than ideal. It's a cargo ship. It's a fine cargo ship. It's got three mass. But it's smaller, slower, and has much less sophisticated navigation. system, it's just not built for a transatlantic journey. Sure.

And it definitely wasn't strong enough to survive a serious Arctic exploration. It's an interesting detail. So Henry tries to get a different chip, and they basically said, if you don't want it, then we'll find somebody else. I'm in. Yeah. The Dutch East India Company didn't fuck around with investments. They made Henry move his wife and kids to Holland to be under their supervision to make

sure he didn't fuck around. Yeah, family collateral. It must be like your wife's right. All right, darling. Have a good journey then. There's one more thing. We've got to all move to Holland. And part of the thinking there is that he'll be under permanent watch and all that.

Yeah. You was going into hole. Sorry. Why must I move to Holland? Well, you've got the whole time I'm out on this shit. I've really enjoyed. I thought the long distance thing was. Pretty good for us.

Right. When I'm out on the ship, you've got to be in a hole. Right in the hole. You know what I mean? Just to be clear, you will have swords above the hole in case you don't make it. Yeah. And then would cut your wife's head off. Okay.

You were. Shh, shh, sweetie. And the children will be tossed in the hall as well. Love. All right. It's not time We filled the whole with your family Your Dutch accent is throwing off

Whatever this accent is Sorry, did I hurt your accent skills Well, I was listening to some old episodes Because there was a whole thread on Reddit About how we aren't fun And I realized Who said that? Reddit? Yeah, people on Reddit

And I realized we... You should block yourself from the Dalip Reddit And I realized that we used to I used to do accents we used to have more fun and the reason that we stopped doing is because people were giving a shit well

it was really the Irish one for sure Irish accents people got upset about but I stopped like people like Dave doesn't laugh as much anymore yeah because you guys all made fun on my fucking laughing like people are giving me shit telling me not to laugh

and that my laugh's terrible like fucking shut up so I realize like one of the reasons Well you have two options One of the reasons that we have reeled it in a little bit is because I've not stopped anything You have. Have I?

Yeah, there were times when you stopped shit, yeah. Stop the Irish accent for a couple of years. Yeah, I did take a break. I took a knee. But there's stuff we've talked about that you don't do anymore. Well, I remember when we first started, I wasn't like, you know, being an alt-right comic, but I said the R word a few times. And you're like, you can't say that anymore. And I was, I wasn't, I got it out of my vernacular, but it turns out I was just ahead of the curve.

I should have kept it in. That was working for me. Yeah. Anyway, so whatever. I'll do the accents. It'll be terrible. Yeah. It's not like your accents were great back then.

No, they're bad. They were always bad. Yeah. And I mean, good thing we don't have Italian listeners. It's funny because I can do them when I'm not here much better. But when I'm in this thing, I get thrown off. You know what? That's the same with my penis and sex.

When I'm not around having it, it's eight inches. When you're not around having your penis? Sex, yeah. When it's not time for sex, my penis is like a 10-inch penis. And then when I'm having sex, it's like two. So you get it. Yeah, yeah. It's like your accent.

When there's someone around to see it, it's not what it is. That's right. So you get it. Yeah, go on now with this. Well, I have a billion dollars, but when it's time to pay, my card gets declined. The Dutch East Indian Company does not fuck around. So they make them lose family. to Holland under the supervision

to make sure that he's a good boy so they're hostage. Sure. And then they're, and this, this is like you're going on the northeast past. You're finding the northeast path. That's what that's about.

You are finding the northeast pass. It's like Parcells as your coach. They learned what Henry tried to pull the last time by almost bolting to North America and they amended in the contract just before he disembarks to say that he could not try to find, another route or go through any other place

except the intended area Russia. He was probably so like yeah. I don't want to do it anymore. It's not all I want all the fun's gone. And nothing else. No other routes, no Western shit. So the crew includes English and Dutch sailors who speak different languages so they can't understand each other. Also totally different outlooks on life. They just don't. They don't. They don't

trust each other. There's a slight advantage to that, maybe, because the more they talk, they're just like, no, the best way to eat is with your hands, like, just like dumb ass arguments. Instead of like, I don't try to follow yours acts, what? What was he trying to say? The Dutch sailors were generally less experienced. In Jewett's very first encounter with the Dutch sailors, he looked at them and said, quote, I hope these square-faced men know the sea

Looking at their fat bellies I fear they think more highly of eating Than of sailing They are an ugly lot But they can't understand him So does it? If you're like in charge like Can we have a can we open the mind

A little bit more please Yet again Henry chose to ignore this brewing discontent And plotted the exact same route He used last voyage but this time when he hit a solid wall of ice, he turned around and once again sailed toward North America. Why is he,

why is he doing it? Because he wants to go west. He just clearly wants to go west. It's just this compulsion to go west. He just wants to go west. He's like an actor. I guess. He's just,

so no matter what, he's dying for a reason to turn around. Yeah, he, like the, I remember I was, he'd mean his family's going to get killed. I remember I was in a sketch group with a guy.

and we were having like a rehearsal thing and he doesn't show up and we're like George what happened and he goes there was this I was driving

and there was this garbage bag in the road and then I just went home and we were like what but that's what this sounds like he just sees one thing of ice and he's like let's go I gotta go back

I'm sorry I can't do it he's just waiting for a reason not to go well you know what it is it does remind me of like you know, if you don't want to do something and any small thing happens, you're like, hey, my computer crashed. I got to go to the Geek Squad. Yeah.

Any reason to bail on plants. Any reason. He sees a fish and he's like, ah, bloody hell. Turn around. We've got in North America again. West. So a small revolt actually happens. Like this time they actually

try to do something. Well, someone was probably like, bought away. keep an eye on him because I've been on two of his journeys his western fuck and he fucking you turns without telling you he said nonstop it's just like anything slides off the table

you're like excuse me they never stops what we're doing he's going backwards again nothing just I forgot my hat again he's turning around no no

oh I saw a beautiful mermaid I thought we could all shagger just a bit further west oh gosh I'm watching because she swam to North America. That's a both sides fish one. Yes, yes. This is one of the top to bottom mermaid.

Got the fish head and the gills and legs. She's got the tail. So to calm them down, he gives the crew a choice. He gives them the choice. Whether or not to go to North America, but he's like, you can go through this icy, cold water, nightmarishly cold water, or warm. Over here, it's warm.

All right, look, it's up to you, lot. We can either die in that water over there or we can go to the Bahamas. On an all expenses paid, seven days, same night vacation, all you can eat buffets everywhere in a water slide park that's unmatched. And spritses.

And lots of spritses. And boy, talk about lemonade. Fuck my head. He also says he has John Smith's maps, so they obviously just choose the warmer water. they're like, yeah, we'll go where it's warm. On the way, apparently just for fun, they tried to chase down a ship

in order to plunder it, but the half moon was too slow, so it just got away. That's a bummer. So they make it to Nova Scotia. Okay. And they start traveling down the coast, landing in Maine on July 14th.

And along the way, they stopped into indigenous camps and traded things like knives and beads for food and tobacco. Okay. Did you like a bead? Yeah, I mean, honestly, for tobacco. Yeah. Jewett described the natives as friendly and welcoming, but he definitely did not trust them.

Yeah. Yep. And the main reason he doesn't trust them is not just racism. It was also because of another sailor superstition. Uh-oh. A wave of irrational fear rocked the crew when the ship's cat started running across the ship, stopping to look overboard and then sprinting back to the

other side where it would then stop look around for a second and then rocket back to the other side back and forth, Zach and forth. Zoomies. The cat has zoomies. So if the cat has zoomies, then you're like, I'm that turns out, these natives are devils.

Because the cat has zoomies. Cats having fun. I would love to make my life predictions based on my cat has zoomies. Shit. We got to get out of here. The cat ran around a bunch. So this is considered a bad eyeman.

It goes on for five minutes. So it's some serious zoomies. And the crew interpreted the cat having the zoomies to mean that the locals were planning an attack on the ship. It's so funny for the cat to just be like, I have to poop. They're like, oh my God, we need to strike at night. Of course, it was the natives who shouldn't have trusted the whites. Henry's met engaged in theft, looting, and kidnapping, and Jewett explained why. Quote, and drave, drove, it's supposed to be drove.

And drave the savages from their houses and took the spoil of them, and they would have done us. So he's saying we defensively struck. It's Venezuela. We killed, it's, yeah, it's the classic thing we say when someone's going to attack us. We got to kill them. I think it's time for us to just let him attack once just so we're keeping ourselves

Let me just see one attack Just so I'm for sure that you're right And the crew even brought native people So they kidnapped some people And brought them back to... Well, you've got to be safe Hey, look at this Yes, just to be safe

We're going to make some slaves Hey check out this human I found This is great So they come across a small You know the funniest part of our studio Is the vacuum? I might have bought that actually Oh, that's fun.

I thought it would be used, though. Yep. They came across a small river that opened up into a wide sea, and Henry sent a scout party to check it out. But because they had already created a reputation for themselves as plundering kidnappers, a band of natives attacked them. Aha!

Yes! This is what I was talking about! Discasting behavior! See! They cannot be trusted. Disgusting savages, a lot of them. They killed one and stranded to who couldn't anchor because the current was so strong.

So two guys got, you know, swept away. Of course, the journal that logged the events conveniently leaves out what the white dudes may have done to agitate the natives. For example, like setting them on fire and stealing their stuff, things of that nature. I can't stop thinking about how much better this would have gone if Heggseth was running it.

Thank you. Robert Jewett then led a raiding party of six men who snuck into the village and stole their biggest boat after a dozen men with muskets and swivel guns which are like smaller cannons descended on the village and drove everyone there away there's no record of just how many people they killed

and then they loaded the village for pretty much any valuable thing they can find. Okay so look I, we've crapped on the, you know, the white people and the genociding and all that a lot in this country. But maybe it's time that we actually just start talking about how awesome it would be to just take all this established stuff from, you know, a savvier group of people and how great that would be. I mean, we never talk about how awesome robbery could be if you're the robber. Thank you. You take the morality out of it. it, this is kick-ass.

Kick-ass. Kick-ass. So Henry is actually pissed because he's not as bloodthirsty as the crew. But considering all the close mutinies, instead of punishing them for their violence toward the natives, he decided to sail south in the detonite before the indigenous people could mount a counter-attack. So they head all the way down to Delaware. Oh, sorry, I'm going to be sick.

sick. Where they traded with the villagers, then attacked and looted them. All right. So they trade, then loot. Because they were afraid if they didn't do it, the natives would attack them first. Yeah. You get it. Dave.

You get it. Dave. You get it. Dave, we've got to do this. Yes. Otherwise, everyone's going to be coming for us. Yes. So anywhere that is oil, we will invade to protect ourselves of their oil.

Yes. Yes. Henry made it only nine miles into the Delaware Bay before being knocked... For a than I've ever made it into Delaware. Before being knocked back by treacherous shoals and despite not being close to land declares that this will not take them to the Pacific.

No real evidence. It's a vibe. He has a vibe that he's feeling. He's trying to get to the Pacific. Yes. Okay. I mean, I know he's going west, but... He thinks there's a passage sued North America

into the Pacific. And I think that might be... true. Well, yeah, but he seems like he's, does he have any idea how far he's got to go? No, he no. No. So he's, no concept. He's in Delaware. He's like, I think it's around the bend. So they turn around, all the while, he keeps accidentally settling New York City, mapping Staten and Coney Islands. He's not the first to find the river there that would soon have his own name. I was just going to say. He was the first to sail on it. Right.

So the guy, what's it, Vincano Bridge? I don't know what the bridge is to go to Stuyland Island, but that guy had already been there. Okay. The guy that that bridge is named after. On September 4th, he met his first Montauk natives who gave him his first taste of corn. Oh, man. Which he then called Turkish wheat. I mean, just why not?

Turkish wheat? Why wouldn't you? It's. God. absolutely nothing to do with what it is. That's just crazy. It's just insane. That's just insane.

It's insane. We call it corn. It's Turkish wheat. What? It's maize. Maze. It's, this is, the new name of this is Turkish wheat.

Wait, no, we just gave you some to taste. Yeah, it's really good. Okay. And now, I'd like to unveil the new name. We're redoing it for the relaunch. We're going to relaunch your, what do you call, corn? Maze. Maze.

No, maize will be something when you make a bush puzzle. This will be called Turkish wheat. No? Yes. Okay. I've got a jingle. No. Oh, what is that?

It's neat. That's why it's called Turkish wheat. All right, white guys. God damn. Brought to you by Whitey. The Montauks displayed their intentions of peace by performing a ritual where they snapped their arrows in half and threw them in the fire. You idiots, shoot them! So that's obviously, if you snapping your arrows and having thrown them in the fire, that means we're cool.

Yeah, but they were like, it means they don't have as many arrows. Watch them. Let's get their tobacco and kill a few. Of course, Henry's men still don't trust them. Okay. But this time, Hudson was able to convince them not to make another preemptive strike, and it worked for two days. No one actually knows what happened, but a seller named Coleman got into it with some natives

and ended up with an arrow to the throat. So he must have been a dick. That guy was a dick. I just would love to live in the world where the Native Americans had the guns and the whites had the arrows and and honestly immunity to like yeah right the viruses that we brought over Henry's crew took revenge

by kidnapping two locals who came aboard the ship to trade and held them prisoner wait oh okay so the Montau are a bunch of different tribes sure yeah so not yeah this is a bunch of different people so they probably know they were like hey what's up man or the Montauk nation whatever it's old and they were like

cool so would you like any Turkish wheat That's called corn Put them in the poop deck So they're holding those guys Prisoner But when the ship got close to land The two local dudes made their escape By jumping overboard and swimming to shore

And then once they got there They made faces and hooted at the ship Taunting the Oh yeah Oh no That's bullshit Is that a mermaid? They're all mermaids

By the end of his journey the half moon had covered over 150 miles of what would later be known as the Hudson River. Okay. Which is now, for those of you don't know,

it's a beautiful river. Oh, sexy. Henry Journal of the fertile nature of the land, the diversity of wildlife, the great thick forest and the kindness

of the local natives. These journals would become incredibly important tools to convince the Dutch to colonize this basically perfect land. Yay.

And that's the end of part one. Ah! There's more parts? You little stinker. There's more parts. Yeah. It's another part. Part two.

Whoa. It gets hot and sexy. Well, let's... Should we talk about what we're thinking? What are we thinking? All right, the episode's over. What could be better than seeing Gareth Reynolds do standoff? Go to gareth reynolds.com for tickets and information.

I will be in Omaha on November 28th and 29th. I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia on December 2nd, Seattle, Washington, December 3rd, Eugene, Oregon, December 4th. Then I will also be in Kansas City, Missouri, doing a makeup show. Come on, everybody. Shake off the New Year, January 2nd, January 3rd. And just announced, I will be back in Portland, Oregon at Helium Comedy, Club on February 6th and February 7th. That's going to be a five show weekend over two nights. So go to gareth Reynolds.com for tickets and information. Join me.