The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 715 - Brigham Young - Part One

Episode Date: January 6, 2026

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine great man Brigham Young. Part one of four. SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH   Nutrafol - Use code: Dollop Rocketmoney  Chewy

You're listening. Blah, blah, blah. This has to be kept in. You're listening to the Dallup. This is an American history podcast, or each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to my ex-friend, Gareth Reynolds. He has no idea what happened to the friendship or what the topic is going to be about. I think that most people in the business of sound

use a sort of turkeyish noise to check now we have to keep the intro sound levels in Can we get them to do a turkey check turkey check turkey check they're common

there's a lot of you saw the Beatles documentary right uh I'll yes but before you go into it, I don't think

comparing whatever you're doing to that documentary is going to be a good look. A lot of people... A lot of people compare what I've done in podcasting to what the Beatles did in rock and roll. In no way. You've heard my former podcast, walking the room. Walking the room, yeah. That is considered to be the Beatles. So what is this? Wings?

We're in wings? The podcast is wings. This is wings. God, no! Yeah. Did you not know that? No, I thought we were If, yeah, this is wings. And you're Linda. No, I thought walking the room was when you were like opening for Tony Sheridan and then

No, no, no, no, this is wings and now you're... I'm Paul McCartney and you're Linda McCartney. It's also, also tough. I guess at least I get to die soon. June 1st, 1801 year of our Lord J-Town who is having a rad winter. which just started. Yesterday it was the shortest day of the year. So for Sun.

Hey, I feel like we're in wings right now. Oh, I'm sorry? Am I throwing facts at you? Fun facts about life? They're not fun. They're just like stupid. It's all stupid. It's so hard to do a podcast with a frumpy old grumper.

You know how busy I am? I haven't even had time to drink the 12 Advent. calendar cocktails i got from costco in one sitting yet wait they tell i'm doing they have an alcoholic advent calendar and they got all 12 there's 12 so you like drink a cocktail leading you know whatever i'm going to house them in a day what have you had any no because i'm waiting for one sitting what's the first one do you know they're i don't know what the first i mean i know they're all over the place it's like a gimlet martini espresso martini it's actually a good idea to drink them all in one No, to have that for an habit of Canada.

Yeah, it's a great idea. And it's an even better idea to drink them all in an afternoon alone. Disagree. Brigham Young was born. Boy, do I disagree. This is my boy. This is our boy. Oh, boy.

Four-parter. Oh, my God. Someone asked, someone's like, would you like to do one of the researchers? Charlotte was like, would you like to do Brigham Young? and I was like, it's just too massive. And she did it. And then you got it and you're like, this has to be four.

I mean, yeah, it never stops. Brigham Young was born in Whittingham, Vermont, the ninth child of John and Nabby shirt for Abigail. Stick with Abby or Gale? No, but it's so good that the... Nabby! It's so good that the Mormons would start out with crazy names because they are the craziest name people.

They're Mormon? They're not Mormon yet. Not yet, but to come from an odd name, because Mormon names are out of their fucking tree. They're nuts. Right. His followers later claimed that when he was born, quote, the heavens were heard to resound slightly. Whoops!

And towards evening, a star is said to have twinkled more irregularly than usual. Hey, hey, Paul, look up in the sky. Isn't that star twinkling a little bit different? Indicating the guy was manifesting particular interest in one of the people. as many children. To send a signal to the beings, I will modulate the sparkle of a star. Oh, my God, my boy's going to be great. He's going to be a basketball player.

My lord, why not go down there and tell them? No! Twiko, Twinko, Twinko. I'll make that one star shimmy a little bit more. Hopefully they pick up on the subtle nature of my ways. Question? Yes. First of all, what am I?

You're kind of just like one of a... Picture it like Apple, and I'm Steve Jobs. Okay. Wouldn't everybody think that if they had a baby born on that day, that that baby would be the special one? That's why I twinkle the star. Right, but then everybody who had a baby then is like, oh, my kid's awesome.

Your point's not lost. Maybe what I'll do is I'll make it so that they can't see it, but only Nabby can. Okay, thanks. Pretty good. Does that solve the issue? I'm actually going to take lunch. All right.

What are we doing? What are we doing for lunch? Oh, no. I'm meeting a friend at the... Let's do Panera. I'll have a BLT and squash soup. Okay. Yeah, all right.

Well, all right. So I'm going to take off, though. All right. we're good with the star thing, right? Yeah, it's really... It feels like that's an airtight way to kind of do this. Tight's the right word. He really nailed that one.

Jesus Christ. Brigham Young's father, John, was sent to work as an indentured servant at the age of six, so he was frequently beaten, but then he escaped by joining the army and enlisting in the Revolutionary War under Washington. Jesus, Christ, the servant at six. that's just how it was

after we're getting back to that after the war he walked 100 miles home to Massachusetts carrying a cannonball's memento sometimes back then memes were harder oh uh I would

you gotta really want that carrying a cannonball a hundred miles you gotta really want the cannonball that's wild that that would be like that you would see that on Instagram as a workout are you doing it are you doing it like this with your hand up over your shoulder Way too bad.

So they're what, like, shot put size? Yeah, that's about shot put size. I still picture, I picture like a big wrecking ball. I think it's shot put size, but it might be a little bigger, but I think it's shot put size. Yeah, wrecking ball's crazy that that would be in your head. I pictured him. The wars in your head are insane.

And there's a lot more of them and the ones that did happen. Probably didn't. John married Nabi in October 1785. Nabby's father was unhappy with the union because John, was raised alongside black servants. They didn't like that. Of all the issues. Well, it rubs off.

Yeah, right. They moved to Vermont and were said to be one of the poorest... He won't be seeing any more black people. Thank God. They were said to be the poorest family in the area. Okay. John G. Turner, a professor of religious studies and history at George Mason University, quote,

John Young did not own a cow, a horse, or any other land. but gained a poor living as a basket maker. Okay. So pretty much every quote that I use unless otherwise stated is going to be from John Turner's book. Brigham Young Pioneer Prophet. Oh, did I give it away? He's a prophet.

Gave it away, gave it away. Doing red-hout jelly peppers? Yeah. At age three, Brigham's family moved to Sherbin, New York. Sherbin's beautiful. Yeah, is it? No. I didn't know it existed.

John worked on farms. bring them young in my youthful days instead of going to school I had to chop logs to sew and plant to plow in the midst of roots barefooted and if I had on a pair of pants that would cover me I did pretty well

Oh, if gross So a lot of times he was kind of Winnie the Poohing Yeah he's, that's what he's saying He's saying that he's doing like an Elmer Fudd situation Like it's just half the time I believe Elmer Fudd had pants Elmer Fudd had pants He was a human

I thought he went Yeah, Elmer Fudd had paint You're thinking of like Who's the pig? Porky pig Porky pig didn't have pants He didn't have pants I'm thinking of porky

Elmer Fudd Maybe I'm thinking of I actually I've been watching different Elmer Fudd Can anyone please do a drawing of Elmer Fudd dressing like Porky Pig

He's just to walk around with his cock out I mean do we even have to say Who's gonna do that? Nope, we don't He's in Australia Elmer Fud with no pants It's so great

He's hunting That's why Jesus Christ That's the fuck's wrong with this guy God He's got his hunting hat on So he claims his father Didn't buy him a hat

Until he was 11 Bigger deal back then Way bigger deal In 1813 they moved to a town near Cayuga Lake In June 1815 Nabby died of consumption That's how they go

Yeah Bye She was consumed. Well, yeah, by a cough. Is that what they called it then? I think so. I think it's just mostly a cough situation. Boy, she's hooked on that cough.

That's all she talks about. The kids were then split up. Some went to live with their older married siblings. John took Brigham to a farm near where his daughter, Rhoda lived with her husband. Okay. So close to family. Sure. It's nice.

John was a strict disciplinarian. Brigham. Quote, it used to be a work and a blow with him, but the blow came first. I hope that's, I hope it's a hit and not a suck job. Yeah, that would be terrible, although. Although, again, it depends who's doing it, I guess. We've kind of just gone through history's knock list of terrible. And we're like, let's get that cooking right now.

Let's see if we can do it all in one. He wasn't allowed to walk more than 30 minutes on a Sunday because of John Strict religious beliefs. That I guess. That, well, God was like, don't you walk. Ah, ba, bah, bye! Hey, what they're walking! Remember the star!

You know, they're walking a lot. I don't think they understood. I made one of the stars a little brighter. Again. Yesterday, and I tried to signal to them that they shouldn't be walking an hour a Sunday. I tried to bring this up at the time, if you remember. But, um... I'll make it a little brighter tonight.

I was just saying it's vague as to who, specifically the stars twinkling. What are you pitching? What should I do? A lightning bolt. Oh, that's so specific. Or a burning bush. I've done that. That was a whole thing.

Who saw the burning bush again? Was it Moses? How about a giant worm? Was it Moses who saw the burning bush? Yeah. How about a giant worm comes out of the... That guy was an idiot, by the way. How about a giant worm comes out of the ground with one eye and he winks?

Love it. Great. Yep. Let's do that. Dad. We got a winky worm. God damn. That could have easily been in the Bible.

Hello. Hi. No. When Brigham was 16, his father remarried, and Brigham was kicked out. Okay. That's what happens. Yep. I got fucking to do.

Well, at 16, you're grown. I mean, your body is grown a lot. 16 and 18, 20 or whatever? I mean, that's grown. I mean, my kid's 16, and he's like a man. Yeah, you don't need you. But brain wise. You're a useless sack of shit to him now.

Brainwise, they are not there. Yeah, but I mean, then you got you as a dad. I mean, what's better going up on your own? Well, he sings the McDonald's, and saying I'm loving it all the time. So what do you think? And that's about me, Daddy. Weird.

He moved to Auburn and apprenticed with a furniture maker. At the turn of the 19th century, there was a lot of new, a lot of new Christian sex in New England and New York. S-E-C-T-S? Yes, sex. There was probably a lot of Christian sex, too. Probably not, honestly.

Baptist, Universalist, Methodist. You come in a shoe and put it in her. Shakers, Quakers. Shakers, Quakers. Godmakers Brigham wasn't interested Okay Not into it

His family were Methodists But he was not really Into any specific belief Okay interesting Three of his brothers Were Methodist preachers And so was his brother-in-law Sure

So they're heavy Methodist Right They're not fucking around His youngest brother was a rogue preacher Not affiliated with the church I love that So he's out there He's out there hitting the road

And just preaching the word of God But not anybody's specific word of God is. Again, it's like the Bible. So how rogue are you going? You can go pretty rogue. Really? I don't think you can. You could really make it about one thing. He made it all in six days.

Ah, there's no laws. What are you doing? It was actually Adam and Steve. I'm sorry? Yeah, there's two fucking dudes kicking it in the garden. Just fucking each other while eating apples. Elmer Fudding all through that bitch.

Oh, that. I mean, it's the 1800s, I don't know what that means. Oh, dude, whatever. By the way, not a lot of people talk about the third parting in the Red Sea. I don't even know about the second. Me neither, man. This guy's terrible. So his brother Phineas was summoned to the home of a young woman who was dying of tuberculosis.

You met? Like, No. No. Am I wrong to assume that that is an airborne problem? It's a very big airborne problem. So you just go to someone's house. I don't think.

Does she, did she say she, it has to be me? I'm the guy for sure. Yes, she was very specific. You must go there. Don't worry,

we've closed all the windows. You'll have perfect privacy with her. I'm actually not into God on Tuesdays. Shut the door when you're in there too. That makes sense. I'm not a God guy on Tuesday. I must say, her voice is going. So get close to hear her.

her words. I would rather not. What if I stand across the best way to do this is to let her talk into your mouth, you'll feel the vibration. Oh, God. And the blood spittle, because that's coming out of her. Oh, yeah. No, she's, she's pollicking all over the place. Is there a thing where I could not be in the room? So you'll get it? No, I don't even need to hear the end of it. Oh, is that a window? No, we're going to shut it. So you're going to go in there. I think it's best if you spend the night. Those were her wishes. I just, she's very sick right now. I'm not. She's Very sick with the consumption. God twinkled at me through a star.

Wouldn't make any sense. He would do the worm thing. All right, we're going to lock this door. God damn, that fucking worm. Stay in there. By the way, that worm scares me. Find your hands behind your back so you can't protect yourself in any way. It feels like this is a biological experiment.

There we go. They didn't think it was through the air. I know. That's what's so funny too. They were like. what did they think they were just like i think it was smells i think i think this is when they thought you got it through smells we kind of did foul odors yeah oh oh right not from the person right not from the person Rebecca what did you sniff so um he started to pray for a peaceful death

when he suddenly heard a voice tell him to pray for her recovery and he laid hands on her and she suddenly sat up in bed, praising God with a loud voice. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Something like that. So that's a big deal.

At 23, Brigham married Miriam Works. And they soon had two daughters. Brigham worked doing construction and in 1829 they moved back in with Brigham's father in Monroe County. They're poor as fuck. They're dirt poor. Brigham and Phineas signed a lease

for one point, that's the guy who listened to the tuberculosis lady. Right. They signed a lease for 1.5 acres of land for $160 a year. I mean, that's a steal if it were today. I know, right? But Phineas bailed after

a couple months. He was like, I can't. I'm going to go listen to people. But what are they doing? Farming. Farming's too much for him. I mean, you're... Okay. It was either cobble or farm, right?

It's only 1.5 acres. It's not a lot. It's not terrible. Brigham struggled to keep up the payments. In 1830, he went to work in a nearby town, and Miriam became ill with consumption. God damn. Probably from Phineas, you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. At 30, Brigham was working... What did you smell, hon? At 30, Brigham was working long out. survive, doing the chores, cooking, he's doing all the work at the house and doing work and she's just laying. She's what I call

layabout, layabout. Loungeing around. Losing her battle with TB. Samuel H. Smith, brother of Joseph Smith, arrived selling the recently published Book of Mormon. Hey, you see what my brother did? Fucking weird. Now, not many

were into it. And he was carting the heavy books around and not selling many. Yeah, it's real. It's, yeah, okay. So he pitches to Reverend Green, who is Brigham's brother-in-law. And he reads it, and then he's like, yeah, no, I'm not. I mean, it's nice, but. Hey, you know, it's not bad.

I'm looking for something a little less weird, if that makes sense. Basically the Bible. Yeah, except for the, I mean, there's parts of it that hard to sort of, the plates thing I'm a little thrown by. Plates things where we're all kind of like, what? And that's the start, so you could get why. It's kind of the foundation, so it's like, so we got these, I don't know, it's just weird that God would bury play. God normally communicates through a star or a winking worm.

Yeah, that's right. Barying some dishware in your yard seems a little. When you bring a winking worm, are you talking about the Elmer Fudd thing? Or are you talking about a different winking worm? No, different winking worm. Okay. Yeah, the Elmer Fudd wore pants. Oh, not in the movies.

I watched. No, he did. He definitely was a pain. You're thinking a porky pig. No, I'm thinking to Elmer Fudd. Have you been to, there's a whole website. I'm hunting a webbit. Jesus.

Sweet mother of God. That's it. That's the one. Well, I've got a weird of situation with my webbing. That's the one. My penis is always out. The woman is witty. Sorry.

look at my waging hold on so uh samuel that's that's what's up cock joseph smith's brother suggested to the reverend's wife mrs green so that's brigham's sister uh-huh that they look for a sign from god and apparently this came i don't know what it was and reverend and mrs green convert to mormonism so brigham young sisters in and brother-in-law okay so she and they're like living on their land, basically. They're living near them, yeah. So she gives it to their brother, Phineas, who also is in.

So they're just reading the book, and they're like, this is fucking awesome. This is a really good book. It's actually really good. So he gave the book to Brigham and his father, and some Mormon preachers come to the area to visit in the fall, and Brigham is into it, but he's hesitant.

Look, I love the idea. But here's some things. There's some things. There's some things. There's some things. It's too recent. Quote, I was not baptized on hearing the first sermon nor the second, nor during the first year of my acquaintance with this work. So he's hard to bring around.

He believed all religions inevitably led to free masonry. And I, yes. That's a weird. Someone finally fucking said it. It's also weird to then be like, I'm not going to do this one. All right, whatever. I'll just become free masonry. By the way, he's not that wrong.

He's not. He was probably like, yeah, there's a secret club. The Illuminati runs everything. But Mormonism was different in some ways. Its total nonsensical impossibility seemed to have convinced him. Quote, I found it was eternity passed through time and into eternity again. When I discovered this, I said, It is worth of the notice of man.

I mean, that doesn't help me at all with what your eternity passed through time and into eternity. again. I don't get it. Hey, buddy, I don't know what you're saying. You basically came up with a nonsensical explanation. I think that's in the opening of the twilight zone. Eternity. So there have been many practical considerations, too.

There were. His whole family was converting. So if your family's into it, it makes family reunions and Thanksgiving weird. Yeah. And he could have also seen a financial opportunity because, remember, he's poor as shit. Sure. Maybe getting an early would leave. you did a little financial reward, right?

Get on the ground floor. Absolutely. That's how this all should go. Phineas John Brigham and his friend Heber Kimble. What's up? I'm Heber. It's H-E-B-E-R. It's right.

Heber? Heber. Heber? Heber. Should we look it up? No. I should have looked it up. It's fine. Is he in this story a lot?

Yeah. Oh. I forgot. I forgot to look up, which is what I always do. Oh, okay. So he looks like every guy from back then. Heber. I think it's going to be Heber.

Heber is pronounced as Heber, rhyming with fiber. Is that AI that said that? Yep. Here's a one-minute video on how to say it. Heber. Okay, AI, you're so good. Thank you, AI. Thanks, AI.

It's pronounced Heber, rhyming with fiber. I got to do one on Sam Almond, don't I? buddy he is really he's like he's like what if Elon was a little bit smarter yeah just to touch but still also like broadly stupid a love yeah but stupid at a level of con man he's one of those guys is not getting caught in cons because no one's just being like hey but no you said the other thing there like no one's calling him on anything yeah it's just like crazy to watch uh so his whole family's converting financial opportunity so Heber Kimball and all of his family traveled to Pennsylvania

to witness Mormonism in action Well I don't know what that meant But that must just be their they're praying and Hard praying and build You know fucking magic underpants Magic underpants I don't think anything but none of that stuff is there yet Like we said you know the soaking

But not By the way me and Gareth have been doing soaking How much do you know about the world of soaking? I just read, you had told me about it once, and then I just read about it again. Then there's ocean. What's ocean? Oceans when you're soaking, and a friend jumps on the mattress for you. Oh, I thought someone could, someone shook you.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Oh, okay. Oh, so soaking's just going in and laying there. Soking's just staying. Ocean is in and someone's helping like manipulate a natural force like the mattress. So the saddest three-way of all time. Well, I mean, you know, if you're being soaked in or you're soaking, that's great. But yeah, if you're the friend who's asked there to punch the mattress a few times.

But there's a worse one, which is bagpiping. This isn't real. Yes, it is. Okay. Armpit. Stop talking. Why would you want to do that? Because you, you know, you got to look good.

Honestly, I think if I were guys. I'd be like, just put it in the vagina. If you said bagpiping, I would think that would be blowjob. Tiggle the balls? Yeah, no, that's more like wizard's pipe. Okay, but none of that's here yet. These are just people like reading a book and it's not. That'd be amazing if it was there right away.

We figured out a way to fuck. This is like week three. So in 1832, Brigham was baptized into the church of Mormon with his father. And in those early days, any male convert who didn't seem like a fucking idiot was immediately promoted to elder. Okay. Quote, the Sunday morning on which I was baptized in my own little mill stream, I was ordained to the office of an elder before my clothes were dry upon me. Wow. That's pretty good deal.

That is. Like you said, it's just like easy to just kind of, you know, you're elevated quickly. It is. You're joining a, that's a startup. Yeah, you're coming in in Amway, top floor. Yep. Top of pyramid. Yep. In September 19, sorry, 1832, Mariam died of consumption. There's a little bit of that going around.

Brigham wasn't there. But his best friend, Heber, said that she clapped and praised the Lord before she died. Okay. Which a lot of people apparently are doing. That is a weird way to go. That's a thing that's happening right. Yes. Yes.

I'm going to see my God. Quote, within weeks of Miriam's death, Brigham left his children with Velat. Velati Kimball. It's Heber's wife. I just checked AI, and it's actually pronounced mayonnaise. V-I-L-A-T-E, Volat. Volat.

A lot. Sure. and along with his brother, Joseph and friend Heber began a journey to Ohio to meet the prophet of his new faith. This is Joe Boy. So that's a bonus on this over Christianity is that you can go meet your Jesus. Go meet the fucking CEO of Godcorp.

Joseph Smith was living in northern Ohio. All I would be doing is trying to poke holes in the plates. Do we get into the plates? Yeah. Okay. they were shocked that he was so close to them in age and education what's up hey brigham was four years older and a few inches shorter i'm gonna say four years old it's all crazy i'm not well that's happened but um okay so he's your profit being shorter is wild i like it do you i like it's like it's like

like yoda today that wouldn't go uh no no it's like whenever what presidential candidates they're I was like, e. Joseph liked wrestling was charming. Hey! You guys had to wrestle? Who wants to get on the mud with old Joey? Come on. Who wants to take on the profit?

He's tiny trying to wrestle all the time. Little guys, there's a lot of little guys that do wrestling. Sure. The thing? Mm-hmm. Like in, there's a news story right now of a guy who's 5-5 who won the national championship and his girlfriend is 6-3. Isn't there bigger news stories,

who got that story? I think CBS Sports put that one out. Well, CBS is really only putting out important stuff right now. So he likes wrestling, he's charming, he laughs a lot. Brigham, quote, Here my joy was full at the privilege of shaking the hand of the prophet of God and receiving the sure testimony by the spirit of prophecy that he was all that any man could believe him to be as a true prophet.

He was happy to see us, and he bid us welcome. He called upon me to pray, and in prayer, I spoke in tongues. Alabagalabagalabagal. As soon as we arose from our knees, the brethren flocked around him and asked his opinion concerning the gift of tongues that was upon me, and he told them,

it is of God. It's funny, because in Mormonism, and I don't think your wife is allowed to receive the gift of tongues. Gareth. Isn't that right? Is it? I don't know if that's against the...

I don't know. Probably. Come on. Any recent religion created by a white guy is most likely like... And also, no going down on the woman. It's kind of... It's very confusing. How else do you keep six wives happy?

Oh, my God. The fucking chiseled jaws on the Mormons. Aha! Christ, look at that jaw. he's eating six pussies. So Brigham is blessed by... So, yeah, we know what it's... Yeah, we got it.

Bring two before me. I'll work both. So Brigham is blessed by the prophet. Okay. Hebra claims that Joseph said in that first meeting the Brigham Young quote, will yet preside over the church. Oh, okay.

But others claim he said, quote, If Brigham Young ever becomes president of the church, he will lead it to hell. Same thing. So there's a just, just a couple words off. It's just slightly off. He's going to do it great. This man will ruin everything we've built. Someone rent us down.

You met this guy. This religion is like 14 people. And he's like, well, this guy's going to fuck everything. But you're an elder. Yeah. Brigham and Smith's upbringings were remarkably similar. Joseph Smith Jr. was born in Vermont in 1805 to a very poor family. He also moved to New York when he was young.

Like Brigham's family, his family were very religious, but more prone to being part of weird sex. Talk to me. His father was convinced he would stumble across gold in the ground and tried various methods to find buried treasure. Like defining rods or sprigs of which hazel or things of that nature. Just trying different. Hold on, let's have a dig.

If all four of my sons lick that rock, gold shall spring forth. Boys. Strengthen those jaws for your future, lads. Neighbors say Joseph and his father told wild tales of finding buried treasure. Okay. There's no evidence they found any. That's so, man, already that's put coming together, right? Little, like, traumatic seed.

Yeah, that. This is a, and now, and now if you just happen to be born in Utah, you're like, yeah, because he found plates. Because his dad was like, let's try here for treasure. I mean, it's so, yeah, the light is just straight. It's just, you're a kid, your dad keeps saying he found gold that he never did. You're sad, dad keeps stopping your walks for treasure. Other people.

are making fun of you. The other kids are giving you shit. Like, you think a metal detector guy on the beach is sad? Imagine before they even had that, your dad was just holding like a little bit of like brush. Like, here's good. Dad, it takes so long.

Trust me. Dig. God damn it. Just more bird skeletons. Now when the treasure didn't appear, he would claim an evil spirit must have taken it. A goddamn demon's stupid. Oh, Jesus Christ.

He's fucking deep. Every single treasure hole, the demons have gotten there first. They're so good. Traveling preachers would convert people to new denominations. At 15, his parents and three siblings became Presbyterians. And Joseph went into the woods and prayed, quote, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head above the brightness of the sun,

which descended gradually until it fell upon me. When the light rested upon me, I saw two personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by, name and said pointing to the other this is my beloved son here am joseph asked the angels one of which was jesus which religion he should join and was told they're all corrupt so jesus said that yeah so jose so joseph told his family that presbyterianism wasn't true and he argued with

visiting clergy and he told this vision he was and he was and he was and he was and he he was told his vision was a thing of the past and didn't happen anymore. So they're like, man, Jesus isn't coming and fucking talking to people anymore. That shit's over, bro. This didn't happen. And but he's like, Jesus was there. Jesus and another. Lutherans?

Nope. Another angel. By the way, what, like a side angel? A side angel. Jesus is wingman. This is my intern. This is Barry. How are you?

Hello. Jesus and I have been working together for a. little while. By the way, when I got involved with his finances, he might be great as a spirit and the leader of a religion, but when it comes to receipts, this guy doesn't really know what he was doing. And we're changing his name. On September 21st, 1823, Joseph was visited by another shining white angel. Hello. Hi! I'm Reg! Hello! They call me Timothy! This was actually Maroni. Hello.

I'm like baloney. But with an M. But different. N-Noroni? No Moroni. Is that a drink? Yes. Oh.

Prince got those little sweet cherries. I love those. But focus on what we're talking about. Okay. Actually, I think you're thinking of Nogonis. Oh, I am. Yes, I'm Moroni. Noni.

I don't have much time So let's really get into this Are you the right Are you from rice Are you one of the rice of Rony Flavors? No, no, no, no, no, no. So it's very important

That I give you this message from God. Go. All right. Oh, I'm all ears. My time. Moroni, of course, is a messenger from God. He said there was a book written on gold plates about the history of the Israelites in America

and two stones in silver bows which could translate the books the plates so the plates are written in gibberish and then you have to rosetta them out with your little fucking babble stones you got to get your du lingo program okay he said to find the goods but do not show them to anyone or ye shall to be struck down. A flaw.

A weird decision. Then he filled the room of the blinding light and opened a condoble to heaven and he went up. I don't know if he made any noise. It doesn't say he made noise. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam,

bam, bam, ladies and gentlemen, Maroni. As Joseph was thinking about this really weird visit, Maroni returned to say the same thing again. I forgot my key. I mean, I'll say it again.

Look for the plates. A couple of stones. And did I tell you everything? He also added to this. Now he warms of famine and plagues that would come if human beings aren't careful. So if human beings aren't careful, the same thing that's always happened will happen. Yes. Which is basically weather-based.

Yes. Then he went back to heaven. Now I'm out of here for real. Bye-bye. Comes back a third time. Hey, this is super fucking embarrassing. Repeats the same story. And now adds.

I have dementia. Adds My name, I'm pretty sure, is Momoni. Have you heard the one, have I been here before? I'm doing like a few of these. This seems really familiar. My notes are,

I spilled some water on my notes. He now adds that Satan would tempt Joseph to show him the plates so he cannot show anyone the plates. Look, even if the devil comes and asks for the, plates no now i'm really going now wait are you my son oh my god what are we doing uh while working in their fields the next day joseph fainted well he was up all night

with the fucking angel angel um and moroni comes for a fourth time all right look i need some money i put everything into burying these plates And now he's like, hey, you can tell your dad. You can tell your dad. Just because he's super into buried stuff. I like that guy. Joseph, he agrees, it must be God, and said Joseph should go find the plates immediately,

which were conveniently located very close to the farm. Well, that's very lucky. Yeah, but that's why they went to him. They were like, hey, we put them in your yard. Why not just hand them to him? So you think that they picked a prophet based? on location of the plates. Yeah.

Make it means he needs his energy to dig it up. So he goes there and under a rock, Joseph found a box with the gold plates and the stones. How big are the plates? I don't know. I should have looked at that. They got to be huge. I didn't think about that.

They have to be huge. I mean, because they basically wrote a Bible on plates. No, it's not a whole Bible. It's just like some. It's just like the New Testament type. So it's just some. Not the New Testament. It's just like Moses's...

The Moses's diary. His words on the tablets. Hey. What did it put on the tablets? The commandments. It's probably the commandments on the tablet. Paper was awesome. So he started to take them, but then the angel came and said he should keep them buried for four years and pop back once a year for instructions.

So, okay, hold on. Now re-barry them and come back. in four years. No, once a year. Once a year. For instructions. And I'll meet you every year here. I'll be here and I'll have new stuff for you to do.

I'm working on some new stuff. I'll have a better work. I know it seems weird. It almost seems like you're making it up as you go along, but that's not what's happening. You're not. Here's the thing. We're trying to figure this out too.

We really are looking more like for a collaborator. Yeah. So you come here once a year. and we'll shoot the shit and we'll come up with some stuffs. And then we'll hear you. Maroni, would it have not made more sense for you to just come when everything had sort of when you were ready to talk to me? We like to hear your feedback.

So we're taking feedback. I am merely your servant ready to do the bidding that you require. And that's the kind of feedback we like. So I'm going to take that back to the guys. I'm going to tell them we got a whole reg. There's a bunch of us. Barry. There's a ton of us.

There's a lot, a lot of guys. Okay. And so we'll meet you in a year here and we'll do this. We'll round table and we'll come back and we'll have more stuff for you. Okay. And then we'll get your feedback. Okay. And I'll go back up.

Okay. And it'll be a whole thing. I will see you in a year, Maroney. I guess I forgot how to. It feels like it's kind of like. Well, I forgot how to shoot back up into this guy. All right. Well, I'm going to go back.

So I guess you just sort of stay. If you could leave. Yeah, I'll take off. And I'll stay here. Bye, Maroni. In one year. Yeah. All right.

See you later. I'm a little worried that I don't remember how to get back up. Okay. Well, I, we'll see you in a year. As far as our time together. I'm a little worried about eating and, like food and stuff. All right. I'll see you later, buddy.

If I'm here for a while. Bye. He's still out there. So the money situation is still bad in the Smith House, even though he has these gold plates. Well, but that's... like he's got a bunch of like crypto he's just sitting on i know but could you imagine having gold plates and being poor and not selling them he's really they were very heavy with gold so he gets a job digging for a silver mine in pennsylvania which is non-existent he meets

emma daughter of a wealthy farmer isa isaac does not like joseph and when asked for permission to marry Emma, Isaac's like, fuck no, you're not marrying my daughter. That was a great thing. That was a great thing to have to just be like, no. No. Sorry. Nope.

She's mine. Nope. You think I'd put that purity ring on her finger so some fuck like you could get in there? What Mike Johnson has with his daughter. It's nice. So they eloped. On September 22nd,

1827, he's 21, by the way. Nice. It was finally the time to unearth the gold plates. And that night, Brigham Young, living 15 miles away, saw strange lights in the sky. Quote, the light was perfectly clear and remained for several hours. It formed into men, as if there were great armies in the West. And then I saw in the Northwest armies of men come up. It was a very remarkable occurrence.

So you're just hanging out one night. And then you look up in the sky and you see armies of, of men, great armies, up in the sky, sky armies, and you later on, you put that together, oh, that's when Joe went and pulled up the gold plates. That was his mess that he knew to do it that night because of the armies.

Well, they must have put it together later because they didn't know each other then. Right. But later on, that was been talking and been like, oh, my God, on... Uh-huh. Oh, on September 22nd, that was the night he looked up in the sky

and saw the armies of men. The men. It all makes sense. There's not been one part that seems a bit strange yet. So Joseph... This is how stuff works. Yep. So Joseph hides the bags in a plate.

Hides the bags in a plate. Sorry, he hits the plates in a bag. And he goes to Harmony, Pennsylvania. Sure. And there, a man worth 10,000 named Martin Harris... Call me Marty. He feels... He feels the Joseph's divine inspiration.

He feels it. He feels it. And he invests in Joseph's... Joseph's new golden Bible. The golden Bible. And he helps Joseph translate the plates, but he never gets to actually lay eyes on the plates. So how does he help him translate it? Joseph just reads it to him, and then he uses the stones.

Well, they're separated by a curtain, just like what you do with sex. So Joseph is behind a curtain, alone with the plates. He dictates them, and then Martin writes them down. Can I maybe just see it real quick? It's right there. I'd love to see it. No, stay behind the sheet. I'm telling you, though, they're amazing.

It would be so cool to have this just even for a future corroboration. If you look at them, we all die. Now, he said that? Yes. Moroni did. He said specifically you. If I looked at it, we'd all die. Yeah.

God. How heavy are they? They're like four pounds. Each? Yeah. Do they have like a ridge in it so you could eat off of them or are they just flat? I mean, I guess you could. Is it on front and back?

No. Just the front? Yeah. Is there anything written on the back like Made a China or something? No, there's nothing on the back. There's one as a... Why didn't he just right front and back and you could have just done it in two plates? I don't know.

I don't know. Are they the same size, all of them? I think we don't need to do this. Are the plates all the same side? I just have a lot of questions. And I get somebody else, actually. Why? Because you're, it's an arm.

I'll stop asking. I just love plates. That's why this is so tough for me to sit behind this curtain and wait. Oh, you're a play guy. I love plates. And I love bowls. Are any bowls? Did he write anything on bowls?

No. Just plates. It's crazy. Okay, yeah. Go ahead. Sorry, just wanted to make sure we're, I got it now. We're good. Don't.

Well, I just, there's one more question. Do you want me to ask the question? Yes. Yeah, okay. Should we eat off them? No. That wasn't even the question. No.

My question was, should we wash them? No. Okay. All right. Where were we? Well, we just started. Okay. All right.

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dollop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Joseph's father-in-law asked see the plates, but Joseph said the angel the angel said only Joseph's male heir could see them. Oh, so someone could see it. His male heir. This kid. Emma gave birth to a son.

Boom. There you go. Male heir, but then he died. Martin begged Joseph to take the manuscript to Palmyra to show his wife and convince her. He's like, my wife wonders what I'm doing here. She thinks I'm cheating. She's in a plate.

Can you just show her one of the plates real quick? And so Joseph asked God if he can do that. And God's like, that's a bad idea. Dude, how many fucking times? Holy shit enough. What did I say? What did I say? You know what?

I'm going to bury him. Someone else will dig him up. But Martin persisted. And presumably threatened to pull financial support. Look, I'm not going to fund this shit. If I can't get a looksy. I need to see a plate. So God eventually said, okay.

That's so non-God to me That's what God does God's like well if you're going to pull funding Christ Fucking goddamn VC guys Here's the thing Uh Yeah okay

Show her one of the plates real quick Okay Show her the second plate real quick Oh no wait it's not the plate Martin took the 116 pages of his new Bible with the promise to only show it to his wife and a couple of other people. Oh, so it's, she doesn't even get to show the new book.

She's like, what the fuck is this? And he's like, it's, what I've been working on. This is what the plate says. This is dumb. There's 116 pages worth of stuff written on these plates. Very small writing. What?

We should have just written it on some paper. When he didn't return after a few weeks, Joseph went to Pomara and Martin said he had lost it. What? Dude. So here's the thing. Where is it? I got really drunk with, do you know, Reg?

I didn't know. But so, okay, so anyway. We got hammered. Oh, I do know, Rich. And we were out, we were out, I mean, I'll call it bibling. We're out bibling. And we're shit-faced and we're doing the Bible stuff that you do. What are you doing?

Okay. Just reading it to people and, like, throwing at people's faces. You were only allowed to read it to your wife. And being like, hey. The only person you were allowed to tell about it was your wife. I mean, you know, we had some Yeagermeister, so we're, and Goldschlager, so we're combining. And then I was like, hey, where is it? He's like, I thought you had it.

And I was like, I thought you had it. Why would you give it to anyone else? You should not relinquish the, this is the translated plate papers. I had, well, I was doing handstands. I had to give it to him because I was, a guy was like, if that's. Where is it? The guy was like, if that's the, where is it? That's the Bible.

Then you should be able to do a hand stamp for a minute. That guy's dare made no sense at all. Well, he was wrong, number one. So what? Where is it now? That's the question. That's my question. So we think God took it.

Oh, my God. He wouldn't have taken it. The whole point of the whole fucking thing was for us to translate it. Gosh. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. It isn't. He will then explain why God made Yeager and Goldschlager. I just did.

Have you considered that maybe your religion isn't a good one? That if it was a good one, this wouldn't have happened? That's super weird to put that on this. So I guess we'll just start translating it again. It's the only option. And this is all because your fucking wife wanted to see them. You know what? I'm just going to not.

So you're done? Yeah, I think so, man. It was a really fun fucking... I don't agree. It was pretty fun. I don't agree. This is what? work to me. We've wasted a tremendous amount of time. Translating 116 pages with two rocks.

What are you going to do? Yeah. So Joseph is obviously very upset because Martin Lossett. He cried and he blamed himself for ignoring God's idea. Yeah, it is your fault. Say it was a bad idea. That's the best. So God, however, was forgiving and said, don't worry about the first 116 pages. It just started from page 117. What?

We'll do the back end. I'll be honest. It was a little weird up top anyway. It's like starting with Star Wars. Start on 117. Instead of starting with the first three movies, just starting with Star Wars. Begin, return of the Jedi. Martin's farm was hit by a mysterious fog that blighted his wheat.

Boom. There you fucking go. What do you mean? It blighted his wheat. That's how he got him back? No, well, that's what God did to him. God, how will you retort with him? He's completely ruined our work.

Don't worry. Something tells me he's going to have a blighty wheat. Once I'm done fogging him. He lost two-thirds of his crop. No other farms were affected. Think about that. It's weird. So Joseph took a break from translating plates,

but eventually got back to it with help of a local schoolmaster Oliver Cowdery. Terrible name. The two men were commanded by John the Baptist to baptize each other. One, two, tree. Go. No, you go first.

No, I go. In today's terms, we call that swimming. Soon after they went out and began converting others, starting with the Smith family. Swim party in today's terms. In June of 1829, they went to Fayette in New York to finish the writing.

They hung a blanket across the doorway so no one could see the plates and Joseph sat on one side of a table and the scribe usually Oliver or Emma were on the other side. And Joseph put on magical spectacles and translated. Can you imagine

like being 31 and thinking about this and being like, I'm still going to be Mormon. So he put himself in a little teepee, wore his magic glasses, and they began to write from God's plates to paper that no one else could see. They were inscribed with hieroglyphics like text, which he called Reformed Egyptian. Sure.

When they finished 587 pages. From three plates. And they registered the copyright. And they dropped 116. Right. So this thing should have been like a 700 pager. They copyrighted it to Joseph Smith Jr. Copyrighted?

Got to copyright it. What? Well, you can't let other people. Also, make sure to, you know, get that copy written and all that. And they printed 5,000 copies for $3,000, which back then was a shitload of money. Yeah. So Joseph had another revelation. Martin would be forgiven for losing the 116 pages if he paid the $3,000.

Fuck that way. I'd be like, dude, look, I said I was sorry. Makes sense. I don't have it. And he did. He paid it. Yeah. Wow.

He had to sell his farm to do it. Tough shit, dude. You got drunk and lost it. Sorry. So Joseph prayed with Martin Oliver and another benefactor from Moroni to show them the plates. And they all saw a joint vision. Okay. Joseph was very happy to have other witnesses.

Sure. In every edition, so that's, so there's three witnesses. Sure. In every edition of the Book of Mormon, the testimony of these three witnesses is printed as evidence of its veracity. Right. So if there's three other guys that saw it, it's a done deal. Sure. You know?

Yeah. Well, as we've learned over time, four people can't be in on something. Right. That's right. Mark Twain compared these statements to patent medicine testimonials. Twain also said that Joseph patted the book with phrases that sound scripturey.

Quote, and it came to pass was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet. There you go. Our guy. I go with Twain. Yeah, all day long.

That's my God. Yeah. We don't need to go into all the weird shit, the book of Mormon says, but there are multiple tribes of Israelites, including Lehi who travels to America in the 6th century BC, and his descendants are the Nephites, who are the good guys. We like them.

And the Lamanites, who are the bad guys. Lemonites, okay? So it's a guy comes to America 6th century, descendants, Nephites, and Lamanites, and Jesus appears to them after his resurrection. in America. Yeah. And then sadly, the Nephites are annihilated around 400 AD.

Hmm. And the Native Americans were actually the Lamanites. So the Lamanites are the black, the bad guys. Okay. In the book of Mormon. Quote, with the skin of blackness. Sure. Okay.

We do learn, I think, that the color of your skin is very important for a while. Very. and they were cursed by God for their unbelief. But one day, they would accept the gospel and become a, quote, white and delightsome people. Oh, okay. So once they, right. When they whiten up. We don't, right, once they get white.

Yeah, they got a white. Just get white. Would y'all just get white already? You need to cook more flavorless food. Please leave our land. Stop dancing! Y'all just need to be a little more white. In April 1830, Smith founded what he called the Church of Christ with 40 to 50 followers.

If only it just... That month, that month the Providence brother met the Young family. So when Brigham Young comes, there's only 40 to 50 people in the fucking... He's very early. Yes, so he's ground floor. He's there. I don't know. There was just an energy at that time.

You know what I mean? I met Waz. and I was sort of like, oh, this guy's pretty cool. So he's in Joseph Smith's flock, and Brigham went on a mission around Eastern Ontario during the winter of 32, 33. And what, you're just kind of going and pitching, like... You're pitching it.

How are you, ma'am? Is your husband home? Well, allow me very quickly before we get into it to ask you if you're satisfied with the current religion you have. Do you feel a good connection to God? It's okay. Interesting. I mean, I think that's what. way a lot of us have felt. But I want to just tell you about a guy I know from Vermont

originally named Joseph Smith who had a conversation with a guy whose name sounds a lot like baloney. God buried three plates. That's great. He buried three plates in Joseph's backyard. And Joseph recently dug him up and with the help of a couple different people used some stones that were buried with the plates. Again, on the plates were scripture. And they translated the plate scripture on to some sort of, you know, document that we're now going out there and just letting people try. Again, I'm sure that you, like me, have a, you know, you feel good about your religion. But I'm telling you, this new one is hot, jazzy, and it's cheaper than anything. I mean, you're going to be saving 20 to 30 bucks a month on religious stuff yet alone.

It just sounds like I would have to do a lot of homework. You really don't. I mean, you just have to read it. By the way, this is not the sort of thing you're going to want to put down. Is there a test? There's no test. The only test is at the end of our life when we go before our creator, the Lord. I already have that. Yeah, I know, but I just, look, all I'm going to say is, do you mind if I leave the book of Mormon and maybe you just give it a little bit of read if you're interested? You can leave it, yeah. Great, that's all I'm looking to do. And, you know, I'm just very excited for you. I will tell you, I've been, I've been Mormon for about two months, and it is way better than anything. Wait, is this a bill for the book?

Yeah, the bill is for the book, yeah. But again, that goes right back into the system. So that We're that money that you have given us to buy that book, that goes right back into the system. So we're taking that right back and we're to make more books. It's weird that you call it a system? The system, exactly, God's system, exactly. So, yeah, just let us know what you think. And I'll be making the rounds around the neighborhood. And great.

By the way, there's no in this one. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Great. Yeah, buffet's shut. You understand? Yeah. All right.

We're in. Let me ask you one thing. Yep. Is one of your questions, has anyone else seen the plates? No. Okay, because I got news for you. We had to do it all under a sheet. So the only person who's seen the plates is Joseph Smith, but that was per Moroni's request.

So it's like a ghost book? He did it like he was under his sheets during a storm and a child reading a book. Yep. Okay, thanks. See you later. Bye fucking asshole So he goes on a mission

He holds he holds 40 meetings And he pulls in 14 converts Pretty good It's not bad It's not great Because it's a crazy idea 14 No it actually is

It's a crazy idea Yeah People are just looking for something I mean but if you watch any cult doc today It's like you can get You peel off people pretty easy Yeah You just you gotta find

just some actors or some needy people. That's right, needy people. In July 1833, Brigham returned to Kirtland, which is where they are centered. I don't care. With some of the new converts, and church elders began referring to their movement as the Church of Latter-day Saints

and its members as Saints. So Latter-day meaning recent. So New Saints. New Saints. The New Saints. Yeah. Brigham and Joseph began talking about creating a Mormon city. Brigham brought his children to Kirkland

and many members pledged land to the new church which Brigham couldn't do because he was poor, no land, but he could use his building skills to help. Now, Brigham needed a new wife to look after the kids. 100%. He'd been relying on Heber's wife

and he and another new convert courted a woman named Julia Foster. They both courted her? Both into her, yeah. Brigham told the other guy quote he could have the first chance of popping the question and if Sister Foster did not accept him

then he would try his luck and she took the other guy she did yeah did she say what did she say I don't know we just know that he he was second in line and they never got to him so she said yeah to the other guy yeah yeah what's a weird way to like hedge your bet

why don't you propose first you take the first shot Proposed to her. How did it go? We're married. Ha. Uh, shit.

It seemed like a good plan, though. No, well, I, yeah, I should have gone first, probably, in retrospect. Okay, well, good luck. Want to soak? Uh, well, no. Then came Mary an angel, a free will Baptist. I don't know what that means. Well, why don't you propose to her first?

And when she says, no, it'll be my time. She came to Kirtland interested in Mormonism. She was into Brigham after seeing him preach, and they married in March of 1834. Now, local vigilantes in Jackson County, Missouri had previously threatened Mormons telling them to leave within six months or they would destroy their property.

Boy, they really were ahead of their time. The non-Mormons were alarmed by the amount of saints pouring into the area. Yeah, anytime there's a bunch of fucking, yeah, nobody wants that. Well, I mean, but to be fair, it's like rock and roll. It's like, your parents are always like, what are you doing? Turn that music down. It's like they were just like, this was like, they were like, yeah, y'all wouldn't understand. God, God buried plates.

Well, they're saying they have a divine appointment to build science. So people are rolling in being like, we're going to build Zion. And everyone's like, I just want... In Jackson. Can we just have our fucking farmland? No, you're not. I don't want a Zion. What are you building?

It's like building a data center. You're not. Hey, what are you doing? After skirmish in 1833, the Mormons begrudgingly left. So those Missouri Mormons came to join Joseph in Ohio, but they were pissed off and wanted to know, quote, when, how, and by what means Zion was to be redeemed from our Our enemies. Joseph recruited 200 men to form the soldiers of Israel to go to Jackson County and reclaim their land.

So they go to Ohio with their tail between their legs. And then he's like, just go back there and just fucking make it Zion. Well, he got a bunch of dudes. He made an army, basically. He got like, yeah, he got some muscle. We're getting our ship back. Go beat them up. Well, the one thing they can.

So weak for Joseph Smith to be like, would you guys go over there and get Zion back? The one thing they can't lose is land because that's money. Right. um quote smith liken himself to moses leading the children of israel out of egypt to a latter day zion with unhesitating submission to his prophet brigham young immediately volunteered as a soldier in israel's army soon known as zion's camp and followed joseph smith one thousand miles to the missouri River. Wow. It's on a thousand miles. Anyway, on the way to Missouri, the Mormon Army came across a First Nation's burial ground and found a skeleton with an arrow in its chest.

Skeleton with an arrow still? That, no. Yeah. No. Yeah, no. That could, well, it's a skeleton. It probably is, yeah, I could see. An arrow could stay in there. Yeah, I guess. But I don't know. Maybe it's just laying. But also, like, if it's in a burial ground, that means it's buried. although I don't know if this was like there but in the West they would bury them on platforms so I don't know that's how I want to be done that's how you are going to be done Joseph had a vision that this was a warrior

named Zelfh You mean one of the bad guys from Superman? Zulf Zelf This is Zelf What? It's an app to pay each other Wait, do you know what names are?

Yeah. Zelf. Zelf. Then this guy's Korg. Zelph and Karg. Zelf was a white laminite, which is what they want, right? Right. That's who did my kitchen floor.

Who fought in a great battle described in the book of Mormon. So this guy is already a guy that they know about because he's in the book. How do you know he's white? Look at the bones. Come on. They're as white as bleach. Brigham kept the arrow and rejoiced at this proof

of the new scripture's authenticity. That would be like where I'd be like, I think this motherfucker's full of shit. Yeah, this is absolutely garbage. Ha ha! Look! This arrow! We're on the right path, boys!

Page 34! Read about it! What is he doing? Woo-hoo! Zell! I mean, I guess you're just all in it, so you all like... It's cults.

There's what happened to cults. And it's just so... Nobody says anything And then it just keeps getting worse. Because if you, if you're like, no, it's not, then all of a sudden nobody likes you. Then you're going to be left in the middle of fucking nowhere. Yeah.

So you got to just be like quietly to yourself, like, until eventually like there's like five people who are like, it's been getting pretty weird. The self thing really was... That was crazy. Why is he celebrating the arrow? Yeah. Who wants to sleep with the arrow?

It's weird. I do. Yeah, that'll be great for you. Like, what the fuck? I don't know, dude. He's definitely going. Honestly, the more I think about the plates thing, I'm like, what is he talking? The plate thing, again, now that...

The arrow tastes of a salty hand. We're making it! Yeah, see, that's the kind of stuff that I just... Yeah. I can't. Well, I just don't, I don't even... Foundational, I'm starting to be like, I was in a dark spot when I started following it. Can I just say, Zelf?

Zelf is weird. Like, what is that? We should all be eating Zelph's bones! See, this is where I'm checking out. Like, I am checking out. He obviously has no clue what the fuck he's talking about. Yeah, we're coming. Ha, ha, hurry!

200 Mormons marching to Zion, which isn't a... Which is Jackson, Missouri. Made an already volatile situation worse. Even though they tried to disguise himself as Baptist. How are you all? We're walking Baptist. We're walking Baptist. Here we come.

We are Baptist. Hey, it's a little arch. How do you disguise themselves? At this time. Oh, no, they're Baptist. They're fine. Like the warriors. The Gentiles still heard they were coming.

Quote, venomous mobs prepared a hostile welcome. It really is like religious if warriors were about like sects of Christianity. I mean, because they're all basically Bible. Yeah. But they're just like, nah, nah, nah. Yeah, what's one? You're way off base. It's always one guy wanting power.

So he creates a different version of it. No. A cracker isn't the body. There were also unhappy troops and grumblings amongst the saints. One father, quote, threatened to kill a bulldog that one of the troops had given to Joseph. Let's all chill out. Hey, guys, guys, let's not take the shit out on the dog. Not the dog.

Joseph threatened to whip him. So things aren't going great. I'll whip you. as they camped next to a river, the anti-Mormons prepared to attack. A hailstorm prevented it, but what seemed like a godly intervention turned bad when they started to get sick with cholera? Oh, quote.

Smith and his followers interpreted the disease as the work of the destroyer, the biblical personification of death. The epidemic claimed 14 lives, and Smith pronounced it God's judgment of his followers inequities See you guys fucking suck

Yeah We heard you Talking about The Zelf stuff And all that shit And the plates We heard it Yes

So why do you think Your fucking buddy died It's because of that shit It's on you man Zelf has been A key In all of this Thank you

The discovery of Zelf was huge All right So now you want Diarrhea and stuff So All right Good talk

So they, they trudged back to Ohio. Defeated, deflated, bombed. How did it go? Not good. Oh. But instead of seeing this as a failed military operation, Brigham felt it was a spiritual quest. He was impressed by Joseph's leadership and believed Joseph saved lives by repenting and retreating. Smart.

The next month, Joseph appointed Brigham to the Curtland High Council. Brigham and Heber Kimball were also made members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles That's a hell of a club by the way That is a great gig What a great bar name for Salt Lake I wonder what they would do

Oh my God You're just like yeah These are our mixologists Excuse me fuck no What are you doing? No Hello quorum of the Southwame Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

What the fuck? What are you guys doing? You can't do that Quorum of the 12 Apostles. The quorum held, quote, The keys of this ministry to unlock the door of the kingdom of heaven unto all nations and to preach the gospel to every creature. Well, none of these, they never have gotten into heaven, like, early.

No. Like, there's never been, like, a little door opening up, and they're like, you've finally cracked it. So these 12 guys might also receive direct messages from angels and God. So that's pretty good. So he created another church body, the 70. The 70? Yep.

Brigham's brother, Joseph Young, was on the 70. He's just making committees. Yeah. Joseph would go on sprees of inventing committees and authoritative bodies and then not make it clear where authority lay. So he's literally just putting guys in a group so they feel better about themselves. By the way, it worked, too. Yeah. So I'm on the 70s.

Oh, are you? I'm on the quorum of 12 Apostles? Yeah He put me in the Jesus pool What? Yeah, he told me that they're That every time I go swim in that pond

That it's very good for all of this And it's just me who does it too No one else goes out there On account of that's where all the sewer goes Because a lot of people have been pooping in the pool of Jesus So I'm the only one who could go swimming it like a special boy. So you can only swim

in the ship pool? Yeah, the Jesus pool, yeah. Well, it's a ship. Everyone's feces goes there, yeah. It's a ship pool. Yep. Just me. Only you. Only me. How are you feeling, by the way? One of my eyes isn't working, but that's obviously pretty good news. And as far as the skin goes,

the eczem has never been worse. Yeah. So I think I'm mullting and whatever my next form is going to to be which is pretty good and by the way truth is even though he said not to drink that water I've been drinking okay you know what they say about drinking the Jesus pool water yeah don't do you make more so that's how there's always water in there yeah yeah it's you yeah I'm out there 12 15 hours a day in it because I'm the only one by the way congrats on stuff over there but uh you got to share those positions with other people right yeah there's

12 of us cool okay yeah just me out there in the jesus pool yeah don't come by my mansion i just i won't be able to i'm swamped over there in the swamp okay really good talk over in that water yeah because my hair's falling out because i because hey because part of the process is that you're going to get very sick from this yeah yeah yeah that's part of it yeah yeah yeah that's part of it Yeah. Anyway, good luck. What is your, what's your thing again? We talk to God and the angels and we dictate what the church should be doing.

Okay. Way less cool than what I'm doing out there. So these hierarchical church groups were always political and bitchy. Yeah. Joseph went hot and called on groups. They're cliques. Joseph went hot and called on groups of individuals. They fought with each other.

Yeah, they're cliques. He made, he made. So that's, you know, the classic thing. You make the group fight with each other so they don't go after you. It's Trumpy. But Brigham saw this as evidence that Joseph was prophet testing their faith.

Sure. The infighting intensified near the end of 1835, the prophet's temper and lack of restraint led to criticism from followers. And this led to more angry outbursts. Quote, Smith found fault with nearly everyone who crossed his path.

Smith's family, his scribes, and his counselor Sidney Rigden receiving withering rebukes from the prophet. When his wife Emma left a meeting early, Smith chastised her so severely that she wept. By the way, I just wanted to sidebar and tell you that everything out there

in the Jesus pool is fine. I see the future of what we're doing. I know there's a lot of people who are wavering right now. Get in there. I got a shit and piss. You're not going to, hey, you're not going to find issue with what I'm doing out there. No, I don't.

I'm your gay. Stay in there. I'm your gay. I know, call them. My fingers. Nope. Can I talk to you about those quickly? Okay.

They're not going to work much longer. Yes. We're becoming one with the Jesus pawn. I feel like I am. Okay. Back is your hand. No, sir. Go away.

Go away from me. I am a lucky boy in the Jesus pool. Joseph called his brother William quote, ugly, call his brother William quote, ugly as the devil and they got into a fist fight. That's over and making his wife cry. William whipped Joseph and he later apologized and sought forgiveness.

Brigham saw it as a warning of what can happen when dissent is allowed. Okay. What wrong thing to take? Not that Joseph is a dick. No, that is the lesson. Don't let others think. Then rowdy happen. Stand up for themselves.

Yeah. In January 1836, the apostles confronted Joseph. They couldn't support his leadership if he didn't back them. Plus, I've been sitting out on that Jesus pool for a while, and I'm very sick. What is this guy doing here? I'm sick as shit. I'm starting to wonder if that's even something I'm supposed to be doing out there. He apologized and confirmed that the 12, quote, are not subject to any other than the first presidency.

So he's number one, and then they're after that, right? They're the board. He's a CEO. After this, things went well. They had many blessings and prophecies, and Joseph saw vision of Brigham, quote, standing in a strange land in the far southwest in a desert place upon a rock in the midst of about a dozen men of color who appear hostile. Wow. He was preaching to them in their own tongue, and the angel of God standing above his head

was a drawn sword at his hand protecting him. Pretty great. Pretty great. Boom. Brigham oversaw the finishing of the temple, which opened on March 27th, and hundreds of saints came. It was overflowing.

Several church elders, including Joseph Rosen, testified that they had seen angels in the house. Brigham sang a song in tongues. So we're all having a hell of a night, obviously, and I wanted to, I put tongue to crazy the other night and a little something.

Oh. This one goes out to Joey Smith. He's the guy who dug the plates up. This song's called Okay. And if any of you feel compelled to join in, please feel free. So let's go from the top.

All right. Two, three, four. Okay, Blankar-Glas-gall-Kal-Kal-K-Lak-K-A-L-L-Lak-A-L-L-R-A-L-L-R-A-L-L-L-A-L-L-L-L-A-L-L-L-L-A-L-L-L-A-L-L-L-A-L-L-ha. Love, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, bha, and bha, bha, bha, bha, bha, bha, bha, bha, bha. That's so awesome. Love you, man. That's, like, straight from God.

Thank you. Just means a lot. Everything you're doing is validated in that. You know what? It could have been much off from that. That's the terrible thing. Singing in tongues is the king. Holding a tongue note.

Joseph saw Jesus in the temple and he said, quote, I have accepted this house and my name shall be here. So boom. Despite the spiritual authority and recognition, and Brigham and his family were still incredibly poor. I mean, but that's not the point of this. I know. Well, that's why he's still in it.

But still, you think you'd get a little bit of scratch. A little shatter. He borrowed money from church members so that his family could eat. He had to leave his wife and kids for months at a time to go preaching. He had faith that it would improve if he was committed to the cause. In December, Marianne gave birth to twins. That's what you need right now. More miles.

Brigham and Marion, Jr. Hey, we're fucking nuts. We've always wanted to be brother, sister. Many members were rich and land, but very cash poor. So Joseph had the idea to start a bank to help the elders. And himself, of course. He's an elder. Sure, sure.

So in the fall of 1836. Joseph A bank. In the fall of 1836, he sent elders to Philadelphia to buy equipment to print banknotes and to Ohio to create the bank's charter. Okay. The Curtland Safety Society began selling shares to the faithful. Brigham, quote, invested $7 for 2,000 shares. But then their bank charter wasn't approved by the government, so it's technically illegal.

Okay. Is he down seven bucks then? No, they just keep doing it. Okay, so. Brigham's cousin wrote quote Kurtland bills are as safe as gold trust me

good it's like NFTs there were many official and unofficial dodgy banks at this time with little or no financial backing they could just make bank notes with no intention of redeeming them and with rising population

What do the bank notes look like? They just look like a bill like you would yeah with rising population and land but you would bring them to someone and be like this is actually not worth it either right the rising

That fucking letdown. Here you go. No. I sold my son. Well, the bank of Jeff is gone. Oh. With rising population and land prices, the Curtin Safety Society was profitable and encouraged an economic boom. They built a bank which Brigham ran.

New houses went up. As local builder and carpenter, Brigham finally started doing well financially. Okay, because they're building a, yeah. They're building a little town. Yeah. It's a bubble of sorts. Sure. Yeah, right. In 1837, he signed a contract to build a new home, and he brought property three-eighths of an acre for $500.

Things are looking up. Sure. When people started to doubt the bank, Brigham counseled them to have faith. Just believe in the bank. Now imagine if that were a country. But non-Mormons were immediately suspicious of Mormon money. if you can imagine more money

Cleveland Gazette quote as far as we can learn there is no property bound for their redemption no coin in hand to redeem them and with no responsible individuals whose honor or whose honesty is pledged for their payment they seem to rest upon a spiritual basis I mean it doesn't sound too foreign to be quite honest isn't that kind of money

it's kind of like you have to have this just faith that this one, this piece of paper means it. Yeah. If the data's would just get in line, it would all be okay. It's crypto. It's crypto. It's crypto. Yeah.

A run on the bank by non-Mormons led to value of the notes dropping quickly. Okay. And Joseph desperately tries to hold off the collapse with loans and begging the faithful to buy more stock. And then in February, the Ohio legislature rejected the, bank's application for a charter and Brigham tried to help save it. They bought property and farmland further away

from town which boosted the bank's assets and insured their creditors were further away so they were unlikely to quickly come for their cash. And anyone who took the notes as payment quickly found them to be useless. So I mean

they're just like this is just scramble time. By the time Brigham returned there was open rebellion against Joseph. And the profit was furious at people who had, quote, turned traitors, turned traitors and opposed the currency, which has given power

into the hands of the enemy. So he's like, you guys turn against the bank, and now the devil fuckers are... I don't know if they're fucking the guys who suck the devil off. They're doing that. Well, hold on. You made the devil. They're worshippers of the devil. You got the devil off. Okay. the bank collapsed in November of 1837 and creditors swarmed

Kurtland Joseph faced criminal charges the church considered ditching him and installing David Whitmer hello so he's one of the original three witnesses oh well you sort of yeah Brigham loyal I was next to the sheet Brigham loyally defended him even when he was convicted of issuing bagnotes without a charter and find $1,000. Back then, that's a shit load. Yeah. Joseph prophesized that, quote,

a peace shall soon be taken from the earth. A very fierce and very terrible war is near at hand. So that's what you do when everything's going to. You're like, wars come and I've got to kill us. Get ready. A Mormon, quote, it hardly requires a prophet's eye to see that the perilous times are at hand.

So we're getting ready. On December 22nd I'll defend the water out of the back Okay Yeah great You do that nobody's gonna be able to come into that area Yeah can you just defend the Jesus pool That's great

Thank you I might need to get a sword or something You should just stay in it This is pretty soon They've been trying to kill me back there for a while Pretty soon this is going to cure you And for a while It turns around

It's been a deteriorating body of water But nobody will get near it. Don't worry. We got this one ready to go. Yeah. I would maybe like to take a wife out there. Nope. Please.

No, we can't let you have a wife. I'm really lowly. You're married to the pool. Yeah. It seems that there's been an uptick of what people are putting into it. Got it. Sometimes I doubt my man. I get it. Sometimes I find the law. But that's God testing you. I know. He's working in crazy ways out there.

Hit the pool. May I dry on land for a moment? No. Okay. On December 22nd, anti-Jovist sentiment forced Brigham to flee. Brigham, quote, the fury of the mob and the spirit that prevailed the apostuses who had threatened to destroy me because I would proclaim. that I knew by the power of the Holy Ghost that Joseph Smith was a prophet. So he's like, they're after me because I believe this, not like I just

fucked over a bunch of people with a scam. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So with all the creditors demanding thousands, he flees. The bank incident is a disaster for the church. They lost Kirtland, their new temple,

a third of the elders, and a big chunk of the membership. But Brigham still believed in Joseph. Quote, he was called of God. God dictated him, and if he had a mind to leave him to leave him to himself and let him commit an error, that was no business of mind. So he's like, look, God. So he's extremely stupid.

Yes. Like even stupid, but now he's really showing his stupid strength. Plus it was his idea to do the fucking bank, and now he's saying that led Joseph astray, but he's the one who came up with the idea. Well, that makes me feel like he's less stupid. bed but the idea of him like look this is all what god's trying like just some fucking dude just being like at this point this is what happens at cult document at this point this guy normally in a cult documentary he's like what did i do back there it's also instead he's like

we just need the comeback it's also the conman do it's what sam alma does and and elan gold Elon gold. Elon must do. It's just like they just keep the ball rolling somehow, you know. They just keep telling you one year. In one year, the robots will be able to grab things next year, this time next year. But Brigham did not conclude that leaders should be stricter and not allow so much dissent. And Mormons now had to leave Ohio.

And that is the end of part one. Can you imagine being so shitty, Ohio's like, get out. Wow. Well. And then the Cleveland Browns were born. And we're off. Research done by Charlotte George, main source. John G. Turner, Brigham Young, pioneer prophet.

Additional source, M.R. Werner, Brigham Young, and Stephen S. Hardy's letter to his family. family 1862. Here we go. Bada bing. Hey, Dallup fans. I know you love the Dallup. You love listening to the Dullop.

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