The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 716 - Brigham Young - Part Two

Episode Date: January 13, 2026

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine great man Brigham Young. Part two of four. SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH   Mint Mobile  Hydrow - Code: Dollop Helix Sleep  Squarespace - use code: Dollop

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd will be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th will be in Bridgeport and 26th, the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. You're listening to the Dalop. This is an American History podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony,

read a story from American history to one of the elders, Gareth Reynolds. Elder Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic will be. be about. Were you wearing the hat? No, I just put it on. Okay. So there's certain things I do pick up on.

Yeah, I like when we're here for two hours together and then you put on a hat and then I realize that. Yeah, it's like highlights. Yeah, I have like a remarkable memory. I can figure out what's around me. Like that guy didn't have a hat on. Fucking, the way that he keeps bragging about taking a cognitive test and acing it, is the funniest thing ever.

It's amazing. It's so funny to keep being like, and they're just like, they're presenting you with a dog and a camel, and a sunshine, and a tree. And you've got to remember those.

It's like, dude, they gave you a kindergartner's test, and you're like, and I won the exam. Are that crazy? He, I watched him giving a speech in,

like, in some front of some crowd, they're testing it out. And he, it made no sense. It was like two minutes of making no sense whatsoever. There are, there are times where you're just like, I just would imagine even, you know,

I mean, again, even if, like, even if you're a fan, I would imagine you're there and there's 20 minutes of times. You're like, what the fuck is happening right now?

You know what I mean? It's like what Bob Dylan's like, this next one is new. Yeah, you're like, let's go piss. Like what jumps like, when Trump's like,

when Trump's like, sharks, the problem with sharks. Let's go piss. December 1837. This party. Brigham Young and Joseph Smith fled to Ohio after their fake bank collapsed. Fled to Ohio or from Ohio? Oh, wait, did I get that wrong? Oh, fled Ohio, sorry.

Fled Ohio, to Missouri. After their bank collapsed. Why did they only go from Ohio to Missouri? Just get across the border. I mean... Okay. They're just, that's... That's where there's another group of Mormons, basically.

The ones who are, but they're what, they're mid-Zion collapse. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why there's some in Ohio and some Missouri. I mean, they're starting to spread out a little bit, like, you know. Mosquitoes. But that's where the other big group is. Brigham, Joseph, and Sidney Rigdon headed to a Mormon settlement called Far West in Caldwell County, Missouri.

Okay. They were promised peace by the governor if they stayed in the county. So the governor was like, all right, just... Don't go anywhere. Just do me a favor. You're grounded. Do me a solid. You guys, you're in here.

Because you want one central location of Mormonism for our strength. Can you, yeah, can you keep the wacky just within that area? That'd be great. Because at this point, we're not ready to spread our message that will change the world. Yeah, okay. That's great. organization is the key to getting the message out there. So we'll all hang here for a little bit.

Yeah, that's right. Just hang there is all I'm saying. Just keep it in there, right? But let's put a top on it, right? Yes. And when we feel the urge to go to other counties to spread our message, we will go. We will go. Nope.

Fuck, here we go. They were, so they promised peace. Marianne joined with their five children that spring. And during the winter and spring of 1838, the church excommunicated a shit ton of leaders, including Whitmer, who was one of the witnesses, the three mains, and Cowdery, who had been around for a long time. Oh, no, they're both witnesses.

Cowdery's another witness. That's interesting to me that they're getting rid of the two people who were there for the big old... The plate unveiling. Yeah, the plate translation. Yeah, it is very interesting. Wanting leaders loyal to Joseph, the church appointed Brigham and other loyal apostles as the president's pro tem. So they're strengthening their bullshit side of the thing.

He's surrounding himself of loyalists. Yeah. I mean, that's what you do. It's effective. The most militant followers organized, quote, a secret oath-bound vigilante society dedicated to quashing further dissent and disloyalty, known famously as the big fan, brother of Gideon,

daughters of Zion, and the Danites. Those are the enforcers? Those are the names, the different names. And their job is to be, anyone is like, this shit seems kind of bullshit.

They're like, shut the fuck. They'll probably beat the shit. How about I bullshit my knee in your face? Ah. Huh? Who's the leader? Who's the leader?

Joseph Smith Adda boy This all makes a lot of sense That's right He just found some plates in his yard Yeah And stones that tell him what they said That's correct

God didn't just put the direct message on the plates Because he needed him to do some work Under a sheet And everyone who was there that night To witness the sheet transcription is gone pretty much And that's okay with me That's good idea That's a good idea.

That's right. Because there was a Moroni came around and he was, by the way, he should be back soon. Okay. But I'm not questioning. Yeah. I can't wait to meet him or see him. I don't want to meet him. But I know that this is all real and it happened.

Yep. You're one of those guys who gets, when you get nervous, you talk more. No, no, no. Nope. No. No, no. I live in my. And Brigham is the best.

He's great. He did so much good stuff. Yeah. And he got a huge. huge chest. He's got a barrel chest. Yeah. He's a man.

He could toss a tree. Yeah. And I think it's good. You want that in this sort of stuff. Because they're all talking to God for sure. They're friends of God. They're doing stuff with God. And they're fine.

And everything here's making a lot of sense. It's not in time, is it? I took a while to get it together. And I think that God just, you know, wasn't happy with the other options out there. So then he just buried those plates out back. I mean, who hasn't gone digging and found a dinette set in their yard with purpose? Hey!

No, you're right. That was a little old bunch. She's speaking tongues for me really quick. Hamah, homina-inichima. That's pretty bad. Thank you. So they're threatening violence against dissenters, quote, to cleanse the church of very great evils,

which hath hitherto existed among us. I was still questioning my post. There's no way that guy got out of the pool. I'm still questioning my post. Absolutely. Now, you're still in Ohio. You're fine. You're good.

I can't. I'm dying. Okay. Well, that's what God wants then. My body's see-through. I know. That's fine. One of us, it said in the book,

I ate my foot. One of us had to become a gallum. I ate my foot. It said that. Some Mormon families settled outside Caldwell County, and, as had happened previously, the local non-Mormans became agitated. Because they're not supposed to do that.

Yeah, well, that was the whole thing. Joseph made it worse in May when he explored Davies County and recognized an old nephatish altar. So the nephatish. Remember the two? So the guy was here in 6,000 AD. and then he spawned two different groups. One were the Nephites.

The other were the Laminites. Yeah, the Lemenites are good. So the Nephites. So he has seen a nephitish altar. Remember, the Nephites are all... They're dead. They're all exterminated. They were white out.

They were non-whites. Right? I think they were whites, but it doesn't matter because they're gone. Let it go. And then he identified Spring Hill as, quote, the place where Adam shall come to visit his people. So they got...

So... So he's like, oh, look, this is a spot where Adam will come and say, hey, what's up? What's Adam's deal? I don't know. Does it matter? No. Or the ancient day shall sit as spoken of by Daniel the prophet. Smith renamed the area Adam Andi Amund.

Why? Why make it so complicated? It's just so crazy. Ali, alex, I'm free. Why? The Mormons believed. to be where Adam lived after his expulsion from Eden. See, did anybody ever think of that?

Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Came here. Came to a place of Missouri. Wow, this is a shithole. Joseph encouraged followers to settle in a town at the Union of the Grand and Missouri Rivers. The plan was to have communities that gave their land to the church and created jobs for

Mormons. Local non-Mormons feared the Mormons would overwhelm. the area. And on July 4th, they laid the... So right, too. Yeah. Yeah, anytime there's a big, like, a religious group coming in. Well, remember with, uh, what, what? The regnishes?

Yeah, the organ, same thing. It was just like, they were like, the hell's going on. What's going on at that farm? We're building God, man. They're like, oh my God, no. Um, so on July 4th, they laid the cornerstones of their new temple in far west. Sidney Rigdon preached that they would no longer put up with persecution.

Quote, that mob that comes on us to disturb us, it shall be between us and them a war of extermination, for we will follow them till the last drop of their blood is spilled. Was that from the turning points meeting? Yeah, I think so. So they're getting a little... Well, but they're sick of being, look...

Well, this is what happens. If you believed, you have every right to do this, because you are being persecuted for your stupid shit. So they were attacked and then that whittles them down because a lot of people are like, I don't want to be ever getting attacked, bail. And then they've gotten more firm believers, right? They've cut out all. So now they have the core group.

If you really believe in this being real, then it is like, you idiots. Yeah. You're fucking this up. Yeah. The stupid don't ever take a minute to go. We're morons. Yeah. Are we the dummies?

We're stupid. During an election on October 6, brawls broke out between Mormons and the old settlers, as the Mormons called them. The anti-Mormons are called old settlers. So, mobs, anti-Mormon mobs formed. And the state militia was sent to preserve peace, but they were hostile toward the Mormons, if you can believe it. Quote, as mobs forced outlying Mormon settlers from their homes, Mormon militia's attack suspected. mobbers and confiscated their property. Okay, well, yeah.

Right? Yeah. The Mormons now went on the attack and burned about 50 buildings. Wow. What the fuck. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to get down to it. It's wild.

You just got to... Do you really think he found plates? I don't know, but I'm burning this pharmacy. I mean, we literally burned a town down. Yeah, I mean, I don't really want to get into the hole. Is it real thing? I'm just like, I'm in it. I'm in it for the action, you know?

It's just nice to have a family. They were confident they had, quote, driven most of the enemy out of this county. Now, up until now, the governor had avoided taking sides. But he now declared, quote, The Mormons must be treated as enemies and must be exterminated or driven from the state, if necessary, for public peace.

I get it. What do you land on that? Dumbed down. I mean, yeah, I mean, look. At the end of the day, if religions are going to fight, the smaller ones got to go. I don't know what to say. I don't care about religions. I just think you guys cause so many fucking problems.

I believe in freedom of religion. But stay out of it. Yeah. Stay out of the reality of governing. Quakers' best religion. You love the Quakers. Yeah, because they don't. They're like, let's not fight.

Let's just, I mean, they have evolved. But like, let's just leave each other alone. and you do your thing and I'll take care of people. That great George Carlin bit where he takes the Ten Commandments down to three and he adds one. And the last one is, keep thine religion to thyself. Yes, that's all we want with your fucking religion. Just keep it to your fucking self. God.

Oh, all of a sudden, look who comes crawling back. It's like that woman who was calling all the churches in Texas asking, saying that her baby, with a recording of a baby crying, saying that she had no money for baby food. The Muslims were the only ones. They were like, hey. And the Muslim. And then someone did it in the UK, exact same thing.

All the Christian churches said no. And the Muslim churches immediately said yes. Wow. Cool shit. All as I know is Mark Wahlberg would have stopped 9-11. Thank you. On October 30th, a mob attacked a Mormon settlement. At least 17 Mormons were killed, including a 10-year-old boy,

who had his head blown off. He didn't survive? It doesn't say. A killer later said, quote, Nitz will make lice, and if he had lived, he would have become a Mormon. Oh, that sounds familiar. A killer?

Nitz will make lice. One of the guys who went on the Mormon who killed all the Mormons. Nits will make lice, and if he had lived, he would have become a Mormon. Oh, so he's basically saying like, sorry, that was a future adult Mormon. Sound familiar?

Yeah. in this day and age. Nip it in the bud, bro. A mob headed to Far West. Future crimes. A mob headed to Far West marched and more and more locals joined the militia. Okay. Joseph realized they were doomed and he sent a peace emissary.

The militia leader said they had to give up Joseph and four of his top men who led the violence. Joseph thought they were being asked to come and negotiate directly. Right. So wait, wait. they were like, we're going to kill four of you. And Joseph was like, I'll come for your meeting. He's like, you turn over these four fuckers.

And he's like, oh, they would like to negotiate with me. Well, as long as we're having a meeting, why don't we bring some kuskos to this little potluck? I mean, I think it's not a good sign that I already don't know what words mean, but here I am. So we'd like to invite you to an area where we'll kill you. I would love to have supper. Well, let's talk it out there.

I agree. Let's just have a discussion over breads and cheeses and fruits. You there, pass the figs. Why's my man's throat cut? So he goes and he's immediately arrested. Where's the party sub? So we don't know if he misunderstood it or if they like misled him. Well, he probably should have just sat under a sheet and translated what he thought they were saying for a couple days.

Brigham quote, we expected that they would have returned to the city that evening or the next morning, but they did not return at all. So Mormons now surrendered, furious at the negotiators for betraying Joseph. They were disarmed. And then, according to Brigham, the Missouri soldiers, quote, commenced their ravages by plundering the citizens of their betting, clothing, money, wearing apparel, and everything of value they could lay their hands upon, and also attempted to violate the chastard. of the women in sight of their husbands and friends. So, yeah, rape and pillage. Yeah. The standard.

They were told to leave the county before the planting of next year's crops. I mean, that is a respectful. That's, yeah. You get out of here before we put seeds in the soil. The Missouri general, quote, I would advise you to scatter abroad and become as other citizens. Your religion, stupid, leave. Yeah, knock this shit off.

The plates, oh my God, what are you fucking doing? What? He found place. It's fucking stupid. No, it isn't. It's really dumb. There were three. What is another religion had a guy find a bunch of plates with shit written on him?

Excuse me, Moses came down with tablet. No, okay. Somebody else. The harsh treatment caused sympathy for the Mormons to go around the U.S. Yes, and now people are like, what do you, you fucking took away all their guns and then killed them and burned their property down? So with Joseph in jail, Brigham and Heber organized moving the community. Okay.

They know when they're down. Yeah, we got to get out of here. Tell you what, it seems like they don't want us here. What about a religion? Well, we're always on the move. I love that. I love that for us. Joseph wrote from jail that Brigham and Heber could run the church,

and the oldest of the 12 apostles should be a leader, which happened to be Brigham. he's 13 days older than Heber So Brigham is the leader of while he's in age Right Yeah The governor of Illinois has offered them Hey are we moving?

Yes Always What's the new place? Not you actually I need you to watch the pool No No no no anymore Pretty soon you're going to meet Jesus

It's fine It's fine It's fine Ah The governor of Illinois offered them refuge. Whoa. I don't know why. Yeah.

Well, people do feel bad for them for what's happened. So there is sympathy for them. So they're displaced. Over the 1839 winter, they trudged out of Missouri. Their land, property, and other goods were sold for very little because everyone knows they're desperate and can be ripped off. Sure. Most followers remain loyal as they saw this suffering as a test of their faith. It does definitely, like you said, it drums up sympathy

and it probably makes you be like, we need grit. Yeah. It was evidence of Joseph's premonitions proof that these were the end times. Well, now that's a bridge too far. Right? The worst it gets, they're like, see? See?

I told you. God's testing us. Briggum's family moved 11 times in three months. Holy shit. Oh my God, what are you a salesman? Army brats. Yeah, right? They went to Quincy in Illinois,

where many saints had gone, including Sidney Rigdon, who was arrested with Joseph but escaped. Okay. The church is in chaos. They were waiting for Joseph to pronounce where the true Zion was. They're like, well, it wasn't the last place because they got burned out of it. Where is it now? Zion.

He hinted at some plans, but never said definitely where. Because he's like, eh, we can't get killed in Zion. on. Joseph and his brother Hiram. That's a terrible name. Hiram's just not a good name. In this economy?

What's in it? What do you call? Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Also escape from jail.

So Joseph and his brother escaped from jail. And they, they meet up of the Brigham and Quincy. Hey. Hey. Okay.

Over that summer, sickness hits. Well, yeah, because they've been they've been, they're in shit condition, basically. Were they vaxed? Yeah, they're vaxed. That's what I meant.

That kills your immune system. Yeah, it kills you. And many, including Brigham, got a fever, possibly malaria. Joseph was also taken out, Heber Kimball, quote, Brother Joseph went forward and took them by the hand and commanded the fever to depart from them, and they leaped from their beds and were made whole. So that's nice.

That is nice. Yeah. Brigham says Joseph came to his sickbed quote and commanded me in the name of Jesus Christ to arise and be made whole. But a lot died though. Sure. Well, yeah. We're not talking about them. No, but well, that's part of the plan.

Yeah. Don't ask any more questions. That's right. It's part of the plan. Joseph had prophesied that Brigham and others would travel to England to preach. Get out of here. Does that happen? As the planned overseas departures got closer, tensions grew.

Joseph promised that families of the missionaries would be looked after. So they're like, we don't want to fucking go. I got a wife and kids here. It's going to be fine. I got it. I got it. This is good. But they have no money.

They have no, like they've lost everything. Yeah. So they got no money. They've got no resources to support a bunch of women and children. And Marianne is pregnant with their fourth kids. Jesus Christ. Brigham's faith never waivers. Quote,

If I had known that every one of them, would have been in the grave when I returned. It would not have diverted me for my mission one hour. Well, you are a sick shit. It is worth it for all my kids to die. What are you talking about? If I can go to England, see a show, check out a football game, and maybe talk to people about, you know, this stuff.

That is so crazy to be like, it's fine. It's good. It's worth it. It's fine. Kids gather around. Gather around. You are extras in the movie of me. Not even me, this other guy.

Yeah, I'm kind of just like a co-star in this guy's movie. Daddy's in love with another man. No, no. In mid-September, 1839, Brigham and Heber left for England. Ten days after, Marianne gave birth to a daughter. Oh, Jesus Christ. God, she's fucking, wait ten days. Well, I got to get going.

See you later, hon. And then Brigham wrote to Marion and said they had debts and he was sorry. By the way. By the way. We're fucked. Yeah, we shouldn't have had that one that you just popped. While away, he had nightmares about terrible things happening to his family. They are happening.

Yeah. Yeah. His father, John, died after long illness. Brigham's letters hardly ever mentioned his father, so we can assume they were not close. Joseph Smith's alcoholic father also died around the same time. There it is. But Brigham's dad, or Joseph's dad was the one who's always naked. Do you, in history, have you killed all alcoholic fathers or just mine?

What are you talking about? Your dad is alive, dude. Your dad is in Michigan. I'm setting up a Zoom. It's sad because it makes you seem like more of a killer when you do that. I'm telling you, you're going to fucking see. He's dyed his hair by the by. For sure.

He looks good. His mustache is still white as shit, but his hair. is black, jet black. And they read a white mustache. Yes, he did. They first traveled to Ohio, caught a steamboat from Ohio, arriving in New York City in February,

and that took five months. So just getting to New York took five months. What? In March... Oh, are we in England? This is beautiful. Look at that, huh? Whoaie.

I'm going to England for nine years. So it's going to take us half a year to get to New York. York, which is shocking, to be honest with you. We're really bad at this. In March 1840, they bought passage to Liverpool. Seesuck the whole time. Brigham arrived so emaciated that friends didn't recognize him.

And things are bad in England. A depression meant people were starving and dying of disease. Perfect for religious weirdos to promise eternal life. Yeah, right. Yeah, it is kind of right. It's a warm crowd. This is shit. You know, it would be better?

I'm dying Missouri, oh no Illinois I'm dying Okay well what if you weren't That'd be cool What if you died and it was better than this Oh well

I'd like to live What about seeing gold plates Or hearing about them Hey your pitch is bad What about hearing about gold plates That's what you do That's what you do Hey our guy

Hold on I got this Our guy Uh huh Found a bunch of plates made of gold And there was stuff written on them What was it on it? It's like 567 pages Can I see one of the plates?

No, the plates no one can see So we reburied the plates of gold They're buried again? I think so That seems really weird too Yeah, it's all weird Yeah In one of three states

Shouldn't you have know some of this stuff? Yes Okay, well But it's also I think I'm going to be Protestant It's also free to like... Being Protestant. Church of England seems smart.

We can play with it a little bit. I don't want to do that. You know, we can fudge with stuff. Hey, you're blowing this. I think I got it. By the way, where are the plates? I don't know. What happened to them?

We ate off of them that night at a pizza party. Brigham quote, I forgot how many beggars I saw, but enough to take all the pennies and coppers I can get. When I look at the difference between poor people here and in America, I rejoice that you and the children are there. So he's like, hey, honey, I know you think it sucks there.

It's worse here, I swear to God. You gotta love, like, you gotta love our system where you're like, you'd rather be broke here. The Mormons, as outsiders, were able to criticize the establishment more openly than other preachers there. Okay. They baptized new converts and arranged

travel for them to the U.S. some fringe Methodists in Herefordshire Known as the... Arafutshire, mate. Known as the Arafut Shire. Arafichael. Come here for pie. And a point?

Do you want to come in for pie? I love that. We've put pies in pies. Oh, I like that. Hello. Hello. No. Hello.

Known as the United Brethren converted in mass. So they got a whole fucking Methodist group to convert all together. Pretty good. Good conversion. Brigh and preach, baptize, and laid hands on believers.

He was heartened by the response, quote, the people are very different in this country to what Americans are. They're very stupid. They do not seem to understand argument. They're really dumb. Simple testimony is enough for them. They beg and plead for the Book of Mormon. So they really, they were just like, there was no pushback.

I think England is such a nightmare at that point. They're just like, just get us out of here. What if I told you a guy? All right. Is there any other answer to this? Yeah, that sounds all right. That's we're in. I've been eating mud

Yeah, all right, quiet Darling He's mud That's not great Some people pelt them with Some people pelt them with the rotten eggs But the success rate was much higher than in the U.S. By the way

Yeah I mean you're not a suffering If you have like Egg weapons Yeah You're not doing too bad And also you throw those my way I'm figuring some stuff out

Aren't you weeping because eggs are broken? Yeah, but they're not done. A rotten egg is not a... You could eat eggs... A rotten egg? You can eat an egg that comes out of its shell. I mean, you can work with that a little bit. You can get some of it up.

That's what's great about the shell. The shell acts as two scoopers. You're literally no different than Joseph Smith. I don't hate what I'm hearing. By the way, a lot of people online coming after me with the egg stuff. I don't know. What did I say? How much, how you told people how many eggs you eat?

That's literally all that happened. They seem to be pretty upset. And so now you're upset and people are coming out of you. I'm not upset. You said you eat it? You just say, eat it? Who side are you going to be on? Mine or the guy who said, eat it? Eid egg guy.

They raised enough money to print the Book of Mormon in England. Brigham complained about the weather and smock. Same place, buddy. saying in Manchester quote The atmosphere is so darkened with the cold That the air is so thick with it The eye cannot penetrate But a little ways

True He continued to heal people with his hands as he toured You're fine You're good You're fine, you're good Brigham enjoyed shopping And buying cheaper items than like at home Like clogs for the kids

And a black silk vest They're like dying at home I know what he's like do I look. You're going to look at these clogs. These kids are going to love these. This vest is tight. This is nice.

He had a custom watchmaid in London. He hit all the tourist spots, Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abbey, the Tower of London, something like that. So funny to imagine back then you're even doing tourist show. Yeah. He's having a good time. But they don't have Big Ben yet. No, I don't think.

Maybe. That must have been crazy when that happened. Yeah. People lost their minds. Oh, my God. They were like, well, we're not. will never not know what time it is. Holy shit.

It's a huge clock. This is so you'll know when to be at fucking work. Fucking hell, that's big, isn't it? Look at the size of that clock. Those hands are loud. Holy shit, we're the best, ain't we? It's a great time to be alive. I think we're finally coming into our own.

Do you know what time it is? I do now. By the end, they had converted 6,000. Brits to Mormonism. 800 came to the U.S. within a year. The most stupid. And Joseph called them home, so they sailed in

1841. So they're back. They did a great job. Yeah, they did. While he lived it up in the UK... And he's just got like a closet of vests. Darling, are you a magician now? I really found myself vest-wise out there. We had to eat one of the children

because we were starving. All right. Look at all these vests. Pretty cool, huh? Huh? I'm doing no shirt with some of these. Well, he did. It's not great. Are you the boss?

Yeah. While I lived it up in the UK, Marianne and the kids were sick, poor, and alone. Hide the vests. I think it'll be ill-timed. When he returned, they were living in Illinois, quote, I found my family living in a small, unfurnished log cabin situated on a low, wet,

lot so swampy that when the first attempt was made to plow it, the oxen mired. The oxen mired? I think they couldn't move. Oh, they could. The ox are like, meow. He drained the land and finished building the cabin. Joseph lived in a river. Coming back to that, though.

You know what I mean? You're like, uh, honey, thank God. We live in a sewer cabin. How was England? It's kind of a sewer cabin in a way. Oh, shit. I need a vest closet. Joseph lived in a riverside house in a town that he renamed Navu.

And this is it. They have found Zion. Navu? Where is this in Illinois? Yep. They found Zion in Illinois. I didn't look up where it was. Navu?

Yeah, N-A-U-V-O-O-N-V-O-N-V-O. Navu. Sounds like one of the Avatar worlds. I am Navu. We're going to Navu. Where is it in Illinois? In Illinois.

Can't still exist. It does. It's still there. It's way, it's on the border. It looks like it's on the border of... Not say Wisconsin. I don't know what state that is. It doesn't say.

Kansas, maybe? Yeah, so it's way over on the west side of Illinois, very near the border. Okay. That's Zion. That's the new Zion. Camping anything else. By the way, you really, like you alluded to, you kind of get one crack at being like,

we got Zion. But this is their third. Okay, you get three cracks. This is like the last one. It's definitely their second. One per plate. Definitely, the first one was definitely Curtland, because they build a temple there. Yeah, but now it's like people are dubious.

So now you've got to get Zion right. Yeah, you got to nail it. Yeah. By 1841, Navu was booming with thousands of residents and farms on the outskirts. They had a militia, which was led by Joseph, with the blessing of the Illinois governor. So he's all for it. Illinois governor is interesting. Well, because they probably, they're going to bring in tax revenue, right?

They're going to create a new... Yeah, why, of course, I believe. You guys are great. Also, they could be a voting block for him. Right. The church organized block voting in elections, sometimes for the wigs, but you usually. usually for Democrats. They,

whoever offered him the best deal, basically. Right. Brigham and the 12 learned Joseph was in debt again. Where is Joseph now? He's escaped? No, he's in Navu. Yeah, he escaped.

Yeah, so he's in Navu cooking. He'd borrowed, he'd borrowed to buy land in Navu because some land they thought they owned had been bought with bad deeds so they couldn't really sell it. So Brigham...

Not very good with money, is it? No, it's terrible. Brigham, quote, quickly issued an epistle encouraging the saints in the East to deed their properties to the church's creditor in exchange for Navu lots.

So... It's so funny that... I mean, isn't the whole thing that you're just like... Well, whatever. He orders over to basically give their land over to the church because he fucked up.

Right. He fucked up. They suggested saints should come and quote, bring of your substance, your silver and gold and apparel, cast it into the treasury of the Lord. This is just crazy. This is swaggered. This is all those fucking guys.

It's the same shit. No, it's, it really is. There's really two groups when it comes to this high-level grifting. There's the liars and the people who believe all the bullshit. And they just really are like, by the way, we need to get a little more money. just so we can get our Cadillac to heaven. Yeah. Anyone who helped build the new temple in Navu

would receive many blessings. So that's a good tradeoff. That's a trade. Oh, buddy, buddy, buddy, boy. Breggam was promoted to the city council and to a new spiritual role as someone who could baptize the dead. Bam!

What? Yeah, dog. Fuck yeah. Hey, no, nah, wait. They baptize everyone who dies. Yeah. It's weird. Some converts...

That's weird. It's fucking cool, bro. And you bring them up? It's the same thing. No, you don't bring them up. Some converts were... You just pour it on them. No, you just...

Make them drink it. I'm sure they baptized my dad and my grandparents. The dad's alive. When you die, they baptize you. Who does? The Mormons. Okay. Some converts were worried about the souls of their non-converted, now dead loved ones,

so Joseph had a vision that people could be blessed post alive. I like that, actually. You do? Yeah. Cover your best. basis. I'll take it. When I'm gone, fucking go dunk me. Let me just say how dumb it is, though. It's really fucking dumb. I don't mind it. This is a crazy loophole. Well, yeah, it is. Brigham was one of the few anointed who could perform this ritual.

Okay. Who else was anointed? I don't know. Okay. Quote, several thousand Navu Mormons plunged into the muddy waters of the Mississippi in vicarious baptisms for their relatives who had died. outside of the church. A vicarious baptism is hysterical. It's awesome. And sometimes for others, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin. I will be dunking for George Washington today. I'm ducking for President Benjamin Franklin. And I'll be dunking for my friend Jeff, who's jogging a fire. Vicarious baptisms. They believe they're performing rituals. Hey, we're vicarious baptisms.

You just pull up on a mobile truck. How are you doing? You guys looking for a vicarious baptism today? Ah, ha. Got anybody out there? Are you all doing today? You got an uncle, you got an aunt, only 25 bucks. Anyone who's dead that you'd like to baptize, jump in our van tub. Just 25.

We take cash. We take smart cards. We do Zulf. Yeah, we do Zulf. They believe they were performing rituals first performed by Adam and Eve. Sure, makes sense. I'm actually going to do a baptism for Eve today. It's so fucking.

When polygamy started to creep in. It is hard to pin down. Here it is. I know when. One guy was like, we should be able to fuck a bunch of them. My wife's getting old. But that is always what it is. That's what it is. It's 100% what it is. Joseph had an affair with a servant, Fanny Alger, in Kirtland.

Do not laugh in England. Her name is Fanny Alger. Grow up. Which later supporters described as his first plural marriage. So he had an affair and they're like, look at this guy. he's branched out. Well, no, they probably, they catch him in an affair and he's like, no, I'm taking a second. We're all supposed to.

We're all doing this. We're all supposed to have two-ish wives. There's the one you're first, and then there was the one you really look forward to fucking. Now, the relationship angered his wife, Emma, because she's his wife. Emma, you idiot. God told me to. God was like soaking all around. Good Lord.

Get soaking is what he said. God said that you're just, I don't know, kind of gross now. Like 40? It's fucking weird. Honestly, it's not great. God said should women get older? I don't know. Fannie's like 28. Come on.

She loves to play volleyball. She's in a league. Fannie left the relationship and the church in 1863. She's like, okay, creep, I'm out of here. Somebody has to go back to the... Hey. Hey, girl. Fannie's gone.

Emma, what's up? I'm back here now. I realized that I loved you the most. Fannie's gone Yeah, Fanny is gone Yeah I might go look for a new young one Because God was like

It's important And the spring of 1841 Around the time Brigham returned from England Joseph was sealed to Louisa Beeman So that's what they call it That's what they call getting married sealed Daughter of an old family friend So that's nice

He married the daughter of an old family friend Yeah, that is cool. So their relationship is better. Well, because he knew her when she was a baby. And that's fine. And the other, his buddy must be like, oh, this is cool. That's normal stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just, I think everyone would probably be happier if you knew your wife or now girlfriend when they were a baby. Yes. And you were an adult man. Yeah, yeah. That is a normal thing. Very normal. Huh.

She wore a man's coat and hat to avoid attracting attention during the ceremony. Yep. Just like the Mad Hatter. That's what I want from a bride. That's how you know this situation's good. What's Joseph doing over there? He's marrying a Tim Burton character. Gareth Reynolds, the dollop, is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

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I mean, this is what you do. This is. They always do this. It's always about fucking. Well, it seems like as we've learned, the fatal flaw is that the level of,

the pious rules that you set out are impossible. Because if you're a human, you want to fucking these sins or whatever they are. You want to go fucking drink or fornicate or whatever. But you're not allowed to do that because, you know, the man in the clouds told you the rules to get into the club. and you've got to subscribe to those.

So now you've got to get a little fudgy with those rules. And one of those rules is now, I'm allowed to have a couple of women. Yeah, you can also just be rich like Bill Gates. Yeah. Also, and then you get divorced. See a Chomsky on the plane. Oh, that's tough.

So he claimed that only marriages... Manufacturing consent now is no longer like a term that I'm like, oh, cool. He claimed that only marriage is eternally sealed through the church would bind couples in heaven. Okay. Parents could also be sealed to their kids to bind them in the afterlife. So it means that in the afterlife, you'll be together, right? So...

You know, here's what's weird. There were only three plates. It all got written down, but a lot seems to be evolving and changes. There's a lot in there. Did he find a fourth plate or something that he didn't tell us about? The plates get wiped and the new stuff gets written on them. There's a seventh plate. It's about titty fucking.

It's more of a saucer. Here we are. But here's what it says. Get in with all the ladies. There's a cup. I found a cup and it says a bunch of stuff. So the larger family... It's a whole China set.

The larger the family, the larger the blessings. More wives and more kids then would mean more blessings in heaven. Sounds great. It's all like, if we fuck... No, they really... The strength by numbers and doctrinate from the womb. It's crazy. Joseph first raised the subject,

with trusted insiders referring to polygamy as celestial marriage, eternal marriage, and the patriarchal order of marriage, and also spiritual wifery, spiritual wifery. That's the better one. That's good. Many of the apostles were confronted and aghast. Yeah.

I'm sorry, you're fucking what? By the way. Okay. Let's say that I'm in this cult. Yeah, good. And then, you know, it is what it is. It's like, I'm like, but then this guy comes in and he's like, you get a you can have more wives i'd be like i mean i don't hate this twist i'll be honest

what are we doing what do we where uh okay i can't wait to tell my wife this news helen i'm allowed more uh oh my god i get more husbands no what are you crazy whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa. Disgusting follow-up question. You stay here. You'll just have tension with my new young wife. So it took months, but Brigham signed on and began officiating Joseph's weddings. Here we are.

Joseph, quote, soon pursued polygamy with the same dynamic and chaotic energy that characterized his ecclesiastical organization, business pursuits and political strategies. After marrying two other women in late 1841, the prophet was. sealed to perhaps 11 women in the first eight months of 1842. Oh, my God. Most of whom were already married. Oh, my God. So the vibe I'm getting is that I should marry your wife. That's the vibe I'm getting.

You swear to this came from God? Yes, it came from God. And God was like, how did he tell you this? He was like, hey, you know, Linda? And I was like, yes. And he goes, you got to get on that shit. Those are his exact words. you gotta get on that shit.

And I was like, she's married to Bob, and he was like... And we really are in love. You can both get on. I love her. She's like the best. You can both get on that shit.

We really connect. Yeah. But you take her now. Yeah, I'm gonna take her, well, for the night, you know. Oh,

but I thought you were married. She'll still live with you. But we're gonna have like a second marriage thing where every, you know, a couple of weeks. So I stay married to her? Yep.

Is that true? Yep. And then I just, you're also married to her? I bring her into the cabin. It's gonna be, I'm out of a special cabin for this stuff And it's called the

Hot Profit Cabin It feels like you just came up with it No, no no there's a there's a plaque Hot profit cabin and we're gonna just I'll bring my wives in I'll spend the night with them to bond And we'll seal I'll seal a shit Shit out of it and then you can help us ocean

I do like I really wish he kept saying he found more plates Like as he gets into like he becomes Jim Morrison Like there's another plate I found another plate back there, and I got to take Shelley. Yeah, like, I'm picking up like 10 new ones because this, fuck, this, this fourth plate is personally my favorite plate. New plate, uh, well, down with anal. It keeps... So, I guess you're all wondering by a college year today.

Let me guess another plate Bingo So Nobody can that fuck a woman Except for me This fucking new plate is Fucking cuckoo bananas Y'all

Christ I want to see some of these plates You're not allowed to dude You can't see the place The last time What are you talking about That's what are you crazy It's just

The whole thing It's insane The whole thing will topple If you see these plates Dude This is a house of plates You lay eyes on It the whole place burns

What are you talking about Is that your daughter? Last night, as most of you know, Roger and I had a big argument about the plates. Crazy as shit. Fucking found another plate today from God. I get to beat Roger to death with a shovel. What the fuck, man? I just said you shouldn't fuck my wife.

Hey, that's one of the plates that I should. And I don't want to beat you to death with a shovel. Show the plates, man. You're not allowed to see them, idiot. How many times... All right, all right. For the last time, you're not allowed to see the plates. They keep popping up.

and I keep finding them, but nobody's see the plates, okay? Best case scenario, you could be next door while I'm under a sheet writing it down because there's a rock translation. Hey, I found a plate. It says Joseph can go fuck himself. It's a fake plate.

It says go fuck yourself. Fake plate. Fuck you, motherfucker. First of all, if you found one, you shouldn't be showing at the worth. Good up, but do. Okay. So we're good? No.

Hold on. So we're good? No! So we're good? No! Okay, hold on. You want to fuck my wife? What are you doing?

Hold on. I'm gonna be right back. Oh, I found it blurred. What the fuck? Yeah, I did. I did. You gotta shut the fuck up, Ted. I found a plate that just said Ted's got to shut his mouth.

So we're now at the 32 plates. Okay? So let's all just be a little more chill from now on. Everything's still really good, guys. It's not. We have no money in your bagging our wives. Don't make me find another plate. So help me, God, I'll find two plates tonight.

Okay? This is the, this, God just decided he was going to bury plates and tell me what was up. Believe that. So, yeah, he, he ultimately marries around 30 women. Multiple women. I mean, that's such a crazy, like, later in the religious, like, hey. You think it would start right away, you mean?

Yeah. Yeah. But I truly think it's because his wife got a little older. Yeah. I totally agree. Yeah. But it's also, that's where you're like the grift. Like, there had to be people like, I don't think there was the first three plates.

Yeah, right. He's just riffing this. Multiple women said they shared a bed with Joseph out of being sealed with him, and some hardly saw him again after they were married. That's kind of weird, too. I just wanted to bang them. Later. Let's see ya.

Joseph told Brigham he should get in on the action and find another wife. Wow. He wasn't into it. Brigham, quote, I felt as if the grave was better for me. But after more talks with Joseph, quote, I was filled with the Holy Ghost and said he was ready to go ahead. All right, fine. You talked to you into it. I'll fucking a young lady.

Wow. Quote, no one would marry more women in Navu than Brigham. Young. Wow. The exact dates of several early polygamous ceilings are uncertain, but Young was one of the first men besides Smith to attempt to live out the principle of plural marriage. He first proposed to a 17-year-old, Martha, a new arrival from England. He was 41.

Rumors spread that he and Heber locked her in a room for several days to convince her. By the minute, it's not what convincing me. By the way, we need to come up with a different word for the word you've chosen. Hi, morning, Martha. I would love to have some food. I would love to give you some food. We just need to kind of... There's a way for you to get eggs.

We're just trying to figure out what we're going to do here, okay? Maybe you want some eggs or, I don't know, maybe you want to eat tonight, dinner. Just take... You know what love is? Hey, bring... Take a walk. You know what love is, little girl? Take a walk. You know, good.

What about this? What about this doesn't... scream God's plan to you. Seriously. I mean, how cool is this? Right. Welcome to America. You know, dudes at your age don't know how to make a woman come.

Okay. We're going to actually, we're going to get out of here for a little while. Crazy. Did I go in too hot? Oh, real hot. I did. Yeah. Because I was speaking the truth.

Yeah. I don't know. You know. You know. No, I love it. Look at that she and smile on your face. Come on. Because I'm very uncomfortable.

Come on a plate. Very uncomfortable. Joseph told me that's on a plate. I don't think you're allowed to find plates, too. No, he told me what's on the plate. I didn't find it. The one guy in the religion who also pretends he finds plates is so funny. I found a plate.

Like calling his bullshit. I found three plates too. What? What are you talking about? I found three plates. This one says I get a hot rod. This one letting me know there's going to be more plates too. Yeah, so rumor spread that he and Heber locked in her room for several ladies to convince her

And Joseph helped by offering that if she left Brigham after a couple of months, he would quote, take her on. If he left... If she left Brigham. So he's like, I guess what he's saying is Mary Brigham. And if you're not into it, I'll be here. And you can jump in, jump in with... Where is Casey in?

up with me. I have 38 wives. I'm pretty hot for 37. Martha and her family fled Navu soon after. So Brigham married 21-year-old Lucy Ann Decker and Joseph officiated, quote, at the time she became Young's first plural wife. Lucy Ann Decker was already the wife of William Sealy, whom she had married around the age of 14. Sealy was an alcoholic.

In record show, Brigham paid seely $19. In July 1842, possibly for the right to marry his wife. Hey, uh, we still doing this God plan stuff? I just can't. So I bought her. Fuck. I paid a drug to have her. We don't know if Brigham's existing wife, Marianne, knew it was common to perform these ceremonies in secret in the early days.

Yeah, because it's crazy. Because you're married. Like that's... Because you don't want your wife to know. By the way, here's what happened. Brigham brought it up once and the woman was like, excuse me, and then he's like, we can't tell them. They are so weird about 29 other brides.

Seriously, like, what the fuck? Okay, how about this? Cigar marriage. Yeah, we just do it at night. Yeah, we get married to a cave or something. Are you married to her? No, baby. I mean, not.

No. we can only imagine how she felt when she found out. Marianne and Brigham were sealed in a ceremony in May 1843, so their marriage would be eternal. That's great. Brigham spent a lot of time defending Joseph's behavior and marriage proclamation. They didn't tell Joseph's brother, Hiram, about it because they thought he'd lose his shit.

Irim's such a wet noodle. You know what? He just doesn't like the party. You know what? The truth is, like, if you come out of the gate and you go, and then in this religion, you get 10 wives. All right. Well, there you go. Now we started there.

Yeah. Right? It's just, yeah. I just, I find it strange. I also find it strange that you got to, you know, do this ceremony in front of, you know, it's weird anyway. It's already weird to do it, like, with one. It's all weird. And also, like, they invented the pineapple that you turn upside down.

That's a big one. To indicate swinging. Yes. Hiram had said, quote, if an angel from heaven should come and preach such doctrine, you would be sure to see his clove and foot and cloud of blackness over his head. So he's like, if a demon. He's like, blur of marriage really come from the devil. Bro, look, even if the devil shows up and says you get to bang 29 out abroad.

So am I kidding you? You know what I'm talking about? But then Hiram heard rumors and he confronted Brigham, who said, quote, I don't know anything about what you know. I know what I know. And Harem kept pressing. What a, wait. That is such a stammer.

I don't know anything about what you know. I know everything about what I know. What did you hear? That I did a wife and other wife. I know what I know. I know what you know. I know different know. I had a wife.

My knowing is different than you're knowing. Hold on. Why don't we all settle down? What are you hearing? Are you hearing something? Are there wives? 40 of them. 40 wives?

So, Hiram keeps pressing him. And Brigham made him swear not to speak against plural marriage. And Hiram then wept. You're happy. And then praise the Lord. Hiram did?

Yeah. Within days... I now have brides. Within days, Joseph sealed Hiram to his current wife and his first dead wife. Wait, Joseph took Hiram. So Hiram is now marrying Joseph's wife? I think...

And his dead wife? No. Joseph's... That's a little confusing. Oh, no, he sealed Hiram to the wife he has. So meaning him and his wife will be forever. Oh, okay, gotcha. And then his dead wife.

So they're always going to have and going to be together. Right. And then that summer, Hyram married four more wives. So Hiram. So he's like, I'm already sealed there forever. So I got the, it's a way to lock it in. Yeah. Boy, it must be awesome to be a woman.

It must be great. In 1843, the prophet... Good news! I'm having another bride! In 1843, the prophet sent Brigham to raise money for the temple and a new guest house. In Boston, Brigham met wealthy Augusta Cobb, who joined the Mormons 10 years prior. August left her husband and most of her children to follow Brigham to Zion. She brought a daughter, Charlotte, and a baby son, who died shortly after, because, you know, rough trip for a baby.

Augustine Brigham married once in Navu. So she basically was... She killed her baby to marry Brigham. Well, she... No, she didn't kill her, but well, kind of. Yeah, she left her husband and took her baby on a very treacherous trip for that age to hang with Brigham and then married him, yeah, basically, yeah.

In Zion? Yeah. Which is near where the Cubs play. It's, yeah. I mean, it's far away, but yeah. Still. It's the other side of the state. I'm having fun.

I know you are. It's just you taking swipes at the Cubs has got to stop them. There's another team I'd like to take some swipes out. Garrett is very angry at the Bears. He does not want them to exist. He's having a very hard time with it. Gareth feels about the Bears the way I do about the Dodgers. No, I don't.

I just think it's really cool for a team when they, when they, like, it's cool to have a Super Bowl parade in the regular season. Here we go. It's good for you guys. It's awesome. Here we go. cool to see what, yeah. It's interesting to see, say, the exact same stuff I said about the Dodgers seven years ago. That's cool.

It's like, it seems, you seem. It's coming. You seem cool. You can have a hard time with it because it's going to be a few years of success. I don't agree. Okay. And you don't think that's biased at all? I, I, look, they got a quarterback.

There's no doubt they got a quarterback. But I also think that they, I mean, this is what everyone said about the lions last year. You're not going to be, you're in the tough division. You're not going to be, but. All I'm suggesting is the celebrating at Week 13, totally normal to have a parade. Makes sense. It's very, that's a winning culture. Yeah, you're okay.

Go get them. Go bears. As, oh, so wait. After taking out our quarterback with a little bit. So he married. Go ahead. Yeah, you played the starters. Have a Super Bowl parade.

okay. I'm fine. I think it's great. What's happening? It's fine. We're down to star, our best defensive player, and then in the first quarter, you took out our quarterback with an illegal hit, and then after you win that game in overtime, then you have a parade. I think that is... It was a spectacular catch. Yeah, well, great. Good for you. Yeah, you got to overtime after an illegal hit. Especially because it was against a guy that did a terrible shitty hit on that same guy who covered him. You mean that legal hit? Well, totally shitty hit, but yeah.

It was a terrible shitty hit. If the Packers won that game, probably wouldn't be a parade. I mean, we actually won the game like two weeks prior. Are you okay, though? Yeah, I'm fine. Good luck. Enjoy your parade.

Get out there. By the way, the same day. Make it your fucking Navu. The same day that Brigham married the... Go Zion Bears. The same day that Brigham married the woman who followed him all the way to Navu. He married 19.

Harry Cook. So he married two ladies on one day. What's the what? Harry Cook? Harriet. How are you? Hey, I'm happy. I am I loving. I'm ready to be your bride. I'm your new lady. Christ. As Navu expanded.

Finish on my chest. Get it right in the hair there. Yeah, there you go. Rub it around. There you go. Want to go get some lamb? Babe. I got to go take a poop. Then you want to go get lamb?

You want to cuddle and lamb? Let's watch the game. As Navu expanded. How good to this lamb, hon? No, eat it with your hands. I'm starting to think my new bride might not be the Harriet I thought it was. God damn it, we are. I am so hot for you.

Come to bed. I'm going to put my CPAP on. If I snow and nudge me and make me go on my side. Sorry about that. There we go. You want me to put a tennis ball in my shit? All right. I'm going to read Sports Illustrated and call it.

Love you. As Navu expanded to a city. That lamb is not agreeing with me. I apologize if anything goes south. I think I ate too much that lamb. Your new lady Harry has a lot of gas. Night babe. Sorry about the fuck.

As Navu expanded to a city almost the size of Chicago. So it's fucking, that's why shithole. Well, that's why the governor wants them there. Yeah. Like the number of votes and like the money it's bringing in. No, it's the Southern strategy.

So tensions grew with non-Mormons. In Illinois, Wigs. It just seems like people in Chicago are ready to buy into a cult pretty quick. No, they're against it. I'm not talking about it. No, oh, you're back to the thing? Yeah. Yeah.

Let it go. It's kind of weird. In Illinois Wigs and Democrats. Says Dodger man. Well, that's different. Hey, dude, would you just leave one team alone? Well, look, the team that I hate is literally helping to fund concentration camps. So the bears.

A little. Illinois, Whigs and Democrats supported repealing the city charter and threatened to extradite Joseph to Missouri where he'd escaped prison. So Joseph is contemplating a different Zion. What about a new Zion? And the Bahamas. Maybe in California, Texas or Oregon, where there's nobody. He's basically thinking like, where are no people?

Far. When no presidential candidate in the 1844 election would pledge to protect Mormons, Joseph launched his own presidential campaign. Oh, wow. Joseph, quote, I go emphatically, virtuously, and humanely for a theo democracy where God and the people hold the power to conduct the affairs of men in righteousness. I mean, we're so still near the idea that religion is not part of our politics. But like, so people are probably like, wait, what?

Joseph appointed Brigham to a new council, the council of 50. Oh, Christ. Which was. This is like if those like infomercial ads that sell coins that are commemorative was a religion. It was kind of a government in waiting for. It was kind of a government awaiting for when earthly governments destroy each other through war and tribulation. But before the apocalypse, the council would run Joseph's presidential campaign and consider the move to a new settlement. So they're going to come up with a place, like where can we go, investigate it?

Joseph declared, quote, the whole of America is Zion. So Mormon churches could and should be built everywhere. So that's a new... It's like Applebee's. Well, it's kind of like a way to get out of actually picking the Zion. Right. Because he's failed twice now. A rotating Zion.

So Brigham Turd toured around the Northeast. Bring him turd. With Mormon elders preaching and politically organizing. He called Whig nominee Henry Clay a black leg in politics. Democratic nominee Martin Van Buren, a fop or a fool. He spoke at the Democratic nominee. state conference in Boston for Joseph did not go well. The Boston's evening transcript, quote,

the meeting was broken up with much disorder and no little confusion by the interference of interlopers, not of the faithful. So in Navu... An away game. Yeah. In Navu, a dissent is brewing. The plural marriage revelations did not help that whole situation. I mean...

Some excommunicated dissenters public... a new newspaper, the Navu Expositor, quote, to explore the vicious principles of Joseph Smith and those who practice the same abominations and hoardums. A shit-talking paper. Hordoms? Hordoms. Hortums.

A shit-talking paper about their dirty sex ways. Yeah. I don't know. I thought you could just take 30 wives and get away with it. Joseph ordered the paper's printing press destroyed, and he was arrested for rioting. And he escaped across the river to the frustration of his followers in Navu

who were being subjected to anti-Mormon mobs now. He was like, you should have swam across the river like I did. What are you, stupid? How could their profit abandon them? Joseph succumbed to pressure and agreed to return to stand trial. I was in the night, looking for a new Zion. I just, like, I was just looking for a place to think, contemplate everything.

Who do you guys? Fleeing? I did not flee? Across the river was better. I was consumed with the spirit of looking for a new Zion. Well, you left me, your new wife? Yeah, about that. My, I ain't been the same since you stuffed me with lamb and figs.

Oh, Christ, stop talking. So he's going to stand trial on Carthage. I'm not mad at you, babe. On June 27th, vigilantes broke into the jail he was being held in and fatally shot Joseph and Hiram. Oh, shit. Do you miss them now? Shit.

Quote, his body pierced by bullets. The prophet fell from the jail's two-story window. His final words were, Oh, Lord, my God! So Brigham heard rumors of their deaths. So remember he's traveling around the Northeast on July 9th outside Boston. And he met up with a fellow apostle in Boston. He met up with a fellow apostle.

I'll have the chicken sandwich. And what does the apostle want? Caesar salad. So he wept in grief. But Brigham didn't cry as he believed in, he didn't believe in showing emotion. Oh. You don't want to do that.

But I also think, wouldn't you be like, that's great. God finally called for him. I think they were actually friends, though. But yeah, no, you're right. But I don't know. You still miss your bro. You see him real soon. He tried to raise the spirits of other apostles

and suggested a bright future for the church because Joseph had done what was needed for them to now thrive. But here's the big question. How do they choose a successor? Sidney Rigden was Brigham's biggest competitor. He had been running a church in Pittsburgh for a few years, so he is outside of the community of Navu. And he didn't believe in plural marriage.

Loser! Don't love that. A church conference was held August... Can we do three, maybe? A church conference was held August 8th. Sydney spent two hours trying to convince members that he was the chosen one, and then Brigham pointed out

that Joseph had given the apostles all the spiritual guidance and authority to run the church and complete Joseph's prophecies. Quote, we have all the signs and the tokens to give the porter of heaven and he will let us in.

And so the saints voted almost unanimously for the 12 to lead the church and implicitly Brigham Young as a leader of the 12th. So he found a little... He kind of King Solomon did a little bit. Yeah, he was like, he was like,

Like, well, why don't we let the group do it? Like, he was like, I'm the chosen one. And he was like, I don't know who would be. Yeah, let's just have these 12 guys that Brigham, that Joseph loved. Yeah, that too. But. And then if those guys get picked, you know, I'm just the leader then, I guess, you know, because I'm the leader of those 12 guys.

So it's a good idea. Keep in mind, I'm super into lots of wives. I love wives. Love to play the field. I want to marry all your wives. Anywho. many of the members later said when Brigham spoke they saw and heard Joseph quote

not only was it the voice of Joseph which was heard but it seemed he was so full of shit it seemed it was so reminiscent of the original bullshitter I haven't heard so much garbage out of a human since Joseph it was crazy and it seemed in the eyes of the people as though it was the very person of Joseph which stood before them and then the idea spread that Brigham was indeed

the chosen one Yeah, he was originally supposed to be it. Dahlia's not technically selected to be president of the church. He unofficially took on the role. That's awesome. With Heber Kimball and his cousin William Richards as top advisors. Now, he trod softly. He constantly affirmed his love of the prophet

while never pretending to be Joseph or writing scripture. He and the apostles did claim divine authority in communication with God. Like, we're talking to God. us guys because that's what happens when a guy finds plates in the ground and he's like

I'm talking to God and then he's like these other guys can talk to God and that's how talking to God works Yeah it's a big God club

It gets passed on by a guy Yeah Yeah I mean you get it Yeah Of course I get it Now

Brigham's relationship With Joseph's family was prickly Emma had not liked Brigham since he started supporting polygamy Well, that's Joseph's thing.

She wanted him to come out against it to stop Joseph. No, but it's awesome. It is great. It's really good. I get why you hate it, but do you get why I love it? At first I was like, here's the thing. I don't think God wants us to be married to more than the one person. But then I fucked a young lady.

And I was like, wow, God wants this. We find it complicated, but we make it work, don't we, babe? he also when he came back in August after Joseph died he didn't check in on her so she's she's prickly he went right into like trying to win the position yeah so Brigham knew he had to keep favor with Emma Lucy who's the second wife and other Smith family members the Smith family

are in charge of patriarchal blessings so Joseph's brother was appointed to be church patriarch. So they're playing political games, right? But rumors started that William thought he or Joseph's eldest son, Joseph III, should be president. Joseph III's 11. So he's like, so me or the 11-year-old.

The idea that any of this needs to be held, like, honestly, if I was just, like, from the outside, I'd be like, go with the 11-year-old. See what he says. And then William was found preaching about plural marriage outside of the community. That's forbidden. so.

Oh, you mean plural, like you could marry other women who were not Mormon? Or you mean he was talking? Or just preaching about that it's okay. They publicly denied it. And apparently believing Brigham might kill him now, William fled, and it was excommunicated. Because you can't tell people what happens in Navu. No. No, fucking.

Don't tell people who are fucking the ladies here. By the way, you know things are in a good place when, your little Zai, you can't, you have a non-disclosure clause. The best churches make you sign in India. I mean, Scientology, we all stand in your shadow. So Brigham followed procedures and practices, running spiritual rituals, baptizing the dead and laying hands on the sick, all that stuff. And this helped rebuild the sense of community and trust,

and people started calling him the president. The president. But still, quote, Stead outside Young's house at night and protected him by day from rumored assassins. Sure. Gotta be paranoid. It's like rogue. This comes with being paranoid.

Yeah. Brigham married Clarissa Ross, 31-year-old stepdaughter of his friend Isaac Chase. Nine days later, he married Joseph's widow Louisa. He wrote, quote, great is the work of the... Like Flewwood Mac. Great is the work of the Lord of these last days. Wow, hey. Hey, he really wanted me to fuck a bunch.

He tried to convince the saints to stay in Navu, but people were worried because their prophet had been murdered. So they are like, we got to fight a new Zion. And while the governor promised to protect them from, protect them from violence, and private admit he admitted he didn't know. Also, he didn't know how to do it. One election away from being turned around.

Yeah. But he's basically like, I can protect you, but really I can't. Like if mobs come, you're fucked. Then the state legislator revoked Navu's charter. Oh, come on. That meant, quote, the loss of Navu's government, including its militia. When is God going to step in? Courts, police, and city council.

So basically the whole town is gone. Brigham is furious. And he declared, quote, This nation is doomed to destruction. and pointed to Joseph's prophecy about the states being dissolved. Keep in mind, Joseph was just some guy. This is what he talked about. Oh, shit.

He reformed... He's like Charlie Kirk. He spoke so wisely. He reformed the Council of 50 and gave them the task of finding a new home for the Mormons. Maybe northern Texas, west of the Rocky Mountains, and Oregon. Mexican and California, Vancouver Island. there's a lot of places. Yeah, great.

Brigham increased security in Navu. He made whistling companies of young men. Whistling companies? Is that like danger whistling? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. We're going to be like mere cats. Who, quote, conducted surveillance on visitors

and other persons considered undesirable, whistled at them and brandished sticks and knives until they left. So they're annoying people. It's probably the... It's probably the louder one. Because he sounded like a bird. Like you're not scary. Would you stick around?

No. I'm out of here. It's crazy. This guy has a sword and tune. Don't go to that town. They're so fucking annoying. In July, scouts returned from the West and reported Buffalo herds

and mostly friendly, friendly Native Americans. It's great out there. We should ruin it. Brigham believe their future home would lie in Upper California, which in 1845 was a huge swath of Mexican claim territory, California, Arizona, Nevada, and Utah. Sounds like, that's where you're from.

Yeah, in late August, they decided to send 3,000 men to California the next spring to find their new home. They also saw Brigham Young as the next governor of California and Heber Kimball Vice Governor. So they're going to take over. They're like, we're going to take that shit over. And that's pretty big deal because they'd never been there And they're already

They're already plotting it out Yeah The plan was not to rush Yet take their time to find the right location But then anti-Mormans Started burning down Mormon houses In the southwest of the county And Brigham was sent a letter

From the anti-Mormon leader Quote That if we would agree to leave in the spring We might live in peace during the winter He really hated giving it threats but knew most of the community weren't up for a fight. And on December 18th, a grand jury in Springfield indicted Brigham Young and 11 other members on fraud charges.

Come on. For God. Police arrived with warrants to arrest them. And then William Miller appeared outside the temple and tricked the officers with how he was dressed and talking into believing he was Brigham Young. Hello. I am Brigham Young. I like to marry all of them. See, this is the problem with not knowing what anyone looks like right now.

I could marry your wife if she'd enjoy that. I run this. Hello. He talks like him. I am Brigham Young. Yeah, you keep saying your name. I marry lots of ladies. Okay.

Welcome to Zion. I am Brigham Young. Okay. I'll tell you what you're saying who you are so much. It's weird. Is it weird that I, Brigham Young, I'm standing out here saying, I'm Brigham Young.

Hello, I'm Brigham Young. All right, we need to see some identification. I don't have that since it is 18-something. We don't have ID, but you can see all my wives, if you'd like. What's your name? I'm Brigham Young. Leader of the new Zion. Hello.

Brigham Young a lot taller. I just got married a second ago. He'd like to see my new wife? What's your name? I'm Brigham Young. I mean, he's pretty good, honestly. I feel like there's not much we can do here. Is that your friend?

Hello, I'm Brigham Young. Quiet, asshole. Some people do say that Brigham Young is an asshole, but he's not. Yes, it's him. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. This is my whistlers.

Oh, correct. All right. Where out of you? Brigham. Meanwhile, Brigham Young and others snuck out the back of the temple, quote, I'm also Brigham Young. Disguised with other men's hats and coats.

We're not Brigham Young. Brigham was scared if he wasn't arrested. He'd be killed too, like Joseph. So in late December, they finally opened the new Navu Temple, even though they were leaving in February. So they finally built their temple and they're opening it even though they're bailing. Sure.

What are you going to do? Stop building it? Like, things almost done. It's like the Queen of Versailles. You ever seen that documentary? No. Well, yeah. It's like it's all over, but they're like, finally. Yeah.

Our home. They had their final rituals at their months-long old temple, and the next day, the temple's roof caught on fire from a stovepipe. Just like God would want. And the whole building collapsed. So that seemed like a sign to them. To move. Thousands of Mormons left the town over the next months. Brigham prophesied, quote,

We will go to a land where there are at last, no old. settlers to quarrel with us. Obviously, Native Americans aren't people to them. He felt confident... Sorry, not them. They don't count. He felt confident he knew where this new utopia would be. And that, Gareth, is the end of part two. I can't wait to find out where they go. Boy, it is, even hearing that, it is shocking that Mormonism has lasted this long. I mean, it is, extreme bullshit. I mean, they're all are extreme bullshit. This is extreme bullshit. But this is,

you know, I... This is like Christianity Scientology. I always wonder if it's just because we're closer to its beginning. I think that's a part of it. But like, Scientology is the same way. You just read it and you're like, what are you guys doing? It's... Well, it's that...

Yeah, it's... Honestly, that's what it is. You hear the machinations of it more recently and you're like, they're just fucking riffing. Yeah, they're riffing. And they're just trying... It's just a couple guys trying to get what they want, which is to be able to have sex... ...wage girls and money.

mansion and money and all that. Yeah. It's just crazy. But honestly, the plates would, the plates would be the thing. Like, if I were at the dinner table, like, and I'm 15, I mean, I'm not going to let the plates thing go. Yeah. I'm be like, why the sheet with the plates?

Why did they have to do the sheets? I don't know. Like, where are they now? Why wouldn't you just make fake plates? Yeah. That would have gone a long way. But it's easier to be like, you can't see it. It is.

It's genius. If you buy in a. It's genius. And people buy in. Magic plates you can't see. I got no questions. All right. So this was the research done by Charlotte George.

And the main source, John G. Turner, Brigham Young, Pioneer Prophet. And another source, M.R. Warner, Brigham Young. Oh, hello there, dollheads. It's Gareth Reynolds. I want you to join the Air Force and come and see me. me, do stand up on the road. I will be in Spokane, Washington, February 4th. I will be in Bend, Oregon, February 5th, Portland, the 6th, and the 7th. Then I will be in Bakersfield, California, February 27th for two shows. And then, oh boy, April, here we go. April 19th, I'll be in

Albuquerque, Tulsa on April 21st, Oklahoma City, April 22nd, Dallas, April 23rd. I'm going to try to see a viral chiropractor that day, but that's neither here nor there. I'll be in Tyler, Texas, April 24th. I didn't even know that. I'll be in Houston, April 25th, for two shows. I'll be in Austin at Cap City on the 26th. And then the 28th, I will be rounding it out in San Antonio at LOL. Oh, my gosh, and I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. That's rounding it out. Go to garethrenolds.com for tickets and information. Also prizes. We're giving away a bunch of trucks and stuff over there. If you just log on, and legally, that's not binding. But go to Garethrennalds.com. Love you.