The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 717 - Brigham Young - Part Three

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine great man Brigham Young. Part three of four, SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH   Hims  Squarespace - use code: Dollop

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd, we'll be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport, and 26th, the Gramer City Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. You're listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. This is an American History podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a guy who was apparently

a creep when he was young. What does that mean? Garith Reynolds does no idea what the topic is going to be about. What do you mean? You can't say creep. I've heard enough of your stories. Creep is, what are you talking about? You seem pretty creepy.

In what way? Just all of the drugs and carrying on. I did a lot of drugs. That's not creepy. No, I think the way you did it was. How did I do it creepy? Well, you'd walk around without your pants on. Okay.

I was a... What? That was how we did it. You got to cut that. Why? Jesus Christ. That's the way we did it. No, no, you know that now that we ignore the Epstein files, you can do whatever.

How funny is it how much Brett Ratner is in the Epstein files, too? Of course he is. Olivia Munn has that story about where, like, he was like the gross, like, I mean, gee, I believe it's her, but there's some terrible stuff, but one of them was like he was just, like, shirtless eating shrimp, and it was like dribble, like shrimp juice was dribbling on his bare fat chest. Oh, God. It's just, yeah, next level awful shit. Of course Trump wants another rush hour.

I didn't even make that fucking connection till now. Wow. Wow. Ratner's trying to get back into Hollywood. Yeah. It's never going to happen. He wasn't good enough. No.

Wasn't good enough. No, he was no. Fuck, what's his name? Tantino? Roman. Plansky. Plansky. December 16th, 1845.

This is a big day. Brigham Young marries Augusta Adams, Eliza Snow, and Ellen Rockwood on the same day. What the fuck. That is a day. Speaking of Ratner. That is a, I wonder if you do it at the... Three.

What if you do at the same time? I do, and I do. Do you do it like that, or do you hop from ceremony to ceremony? I bet you do a ceremony hop. I bet you do, too. right? Yeah, it makes it like barely special as opposed to not at all. And then it's like who's first, who's last, like it's a whole thing.

Yeah. Right. I would go youngest. So start with the 13. You tell me, my mirror back stuff ain't working here? Start with the 13 year old. In January, he married Mary Woodward. So a month later.

And then he married 15 women in 15 months. Oh, my God. Which I've done. Oh, my God. Look, when you're a lover, you're a lover. How old is he right now? He's got to be, he's in the 50s at least. That's the other thing, not to excuse away any of the behavior.

But when you see these old men marrying these young women at this clip, it's not great. And you're just like, what are you even going for? Well, I mean, it's just sex. That's only fucking, that's all they're going for. I, at some, oh, God. So he's actually 40, he's 45. Oh, so he's a kid.

Okay. He's a puppy. He's a baby boy. That's crazy. The women. 15 and 15 months. And they were age 66 all the way down to 16. He married a 60, well, that was probably one he married.

He's just like, I'll help you out. I'll take you on. Because you're out there living in the dirt. Oh, man. What if, what if? And I can see this happening. I can see the right wing coming up with this as a solution to homelessness. There we've got a crew of guys that'll take these old bitties.

16. And I'll be honest. 16 for what year is 1830 something? 1845. 1845. This is, it's terrible. But I mean, for what we were dealing with, back then?

16 is like... Well, it's 16, but I think that they had very hard living. So I would imagine they're, there are on some levels more mature, but they're still fucking girls. Yeah, they're girls. But they would like...

In this time, they would be like, she's nine. We have a lot in common. My nine-year-old wife and I. 66, personally, I'd rather be married to a 66-year-old than a 16-year-old. I would too.

I would too. Like, you could talk to him. He married a lot of widows, getting him stability. Either way, I think I'd be like, what do you talking about? He married a lot of widows, so he did give a lot of stability to widows. That included two of us of his two first mothers and law. His two, oh, my God. I don't even know what's happening anymore.

This is the last person on earth that everyone to marry. My mother's really been sad ever since dad passed away. Well, I guess I'll marry her. What? I'll marry your mom. I don't know. Who gives us shit? But I'm going to have to bang her.

He married his wife's widowed sister. Yeah, Shelly, get over here. Take her on. I'm marrying the Clark clan. I don't give a shit. Thomas, get over here. I'm marrying you, too. I don't even give a...

I'm out of fucks to give. Who are you? I'm the dog. Get a man there. I'm marrying the dog. Yeah, good boy. Leave the room. He did not live with most of them.

them. How could he? He lived with their... How the fay couldn't? Many live with their parents, their other husbands, or children from previous marriages. Okay. So now that, now if you, I don't know, because of a little religious aspects, it gets weird, but say it's not taking advantage of a young woman. Say it's a 30-year-old woman. And she's already married. And then at that point, I'm just like, yeah, it's fucking polyamorous or whatever you want to call it. It's an open marriage. Like, right? It's no different than if there's no taking advantage for a young person involved. Yeah, but I also think the difference is this is what we're saying on the last one is that look, dude, if you just want to fuck a ton of women.

Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, do it. You don't got to be married. You don't got to marry everyone and say this is part of this fucking golden plated plan. Yeah. I don't think he called it the golden plated plan. If you join now, the golden plated plan, you're going to be able to.

take not nine, not 10, hey, not even 15, 35 wives. Did you say 35 wives? Gareth, you did, but here's the thing. I can get you two gold plates, two gold plates, and that is 70 wives. So we're talking two gold plates, 70 wives, but if you act now, we're going to throw in a free hold sheet. Oh, we're doing this. Get in on this action. That sheet is perfect for you to bang through. It's very similar to the one that Joseph Smith used when he was translating, golden plates that were found in his yard for sure Eng, Gareth, some of those sheets, I put a hole in with my cock.

Okay, um, did I fuck the sale up? Cut, yeah, don't do that part. Oh, when we get back. But that's the truth. Yeah. Okay. And we're back.

I want to, I was kidding. Sales aren't really coming out. Let's do the food dehydrate. Um, so, he definitely fucked a lot of them. Quote, Young and Kimball visit Ezra Chase,

brother of Young's father-in-law, Isaac Chase, further cementing the bonds between their families. That's, now, further cementing the bonds between their families.

But they are, they, like, this is that, you know, they are sick. They are sickly minded people. Yeah.

At this point, I think they're really just all about fucking, yeah. Again, which is fine. Just, you know, live like Hefner.

That's okay. Right. But just don't be saying that you got to marry everyone. But the half-no-shad was also super. Those girls were not down with a lot of what went on. I completely disagree. I think they'll. Oh, no, they've talked about it.

No, I know. I'm kidding. Oh, okay. Young? When he married 3, 20-year-olds, it was like, huh? I remember I was doing stand-up on night, and he was at this show at the Laugh Factory, and he is like, he's kind of like 72 at that point, and he's with, like, a 20, 19-year-old girl. And he's just this old man, he, like, puts his hand on her thigh.

As I'm standing, they're ready to go on stage and just slides it up, and I'm just like, Yeah. Young sealed Ezra Chase to his wife for eternity. Then he and Kimball married their daughters, Diana and Charlotte, respectively. Four days later, Young and Kimball made a clandestine visit, overnight visit to the Chase household to visit their new wives. Quote, no one know, this is Kimball in his diary. No one knew where we were gone. scrawled. He scrawled.

The way we know they fucked a lot was that his wives had kids. See, that, that, it's, but for their plight, it's actually smart,

because you're going out there, you're trying to hit the fucking pavement, and you're trying to, you know, convince people to join your new religion. There's no better way than to just indoctrinate at birth. Yeah.

Yeah. that that to me is the genius of Mormonism is that you you just in you were like look we can either go to the mall and hand out pamphlets or I can just keep nutting in all these women Jesus Christ I wonder how many how I wonder what percentage of people living in Salt Lake City are related to Brigham Young oh it's got he's like the Mormon gangas Khan I mean it has to be a tremendous amount it has to be It's got to be. But that when you watch the, like I have watched these shows about, you know, sister wives or whatever. And it is, it's just, nobody is, at least from what I can glean, nobody's thriving. Kids want a dad around more.

The wives are fucking pissed that he's just going to five households fucking them all the time. He's exhausted. The jealousy and the competition just seems like it would be off the charts. Because it doesn't make sense. But also, like, I think that I suspect the younger generations are especially figuring out that like, well, monogamy also, like, isn't really working that way. I was just going to sit like it is. But at least that is a, that feels like a closer pitch to a bond. a union.

Sure. Whereas instead, if you're just like, look, you just want to go, you got to type. You like fucking Mormon women. Go. You can still do the seed spreading. You just, the problem, the marriage part is the part that's like,

see, it's biblical. The marriage part is. God, God, God liked it. But, you know, with the religious part, you're also, now you're pressuring people into it, and it's not, it's not an equal thing. It's all super fucked up. Well, sick of fucking, making up a 16-year-old

and being like, it's cool. I married your mom. and your grandmama. Emily Dow Partridge, who was the widow of Joseph Smith, had Brigham's son in 1845. Lucian Decker and Harriet Cook had babies in 45 and 46. There are many others. Some wives were enamored with him and believers in plural marriage. Many seemed coerced or had their personal, spiritual, or moral concerns brushed by churchmen.

Letters and diaries reveal women struggling and not willing. participants. Yeah. That, to me, would make a lot of sense. Yeah. Spiritual binding wasn't just for marriage.

This guarantees that you would spend eternity with each other, and that also applied to parents and children. And even friends. Friends? Yeah, we can, you, hey, let's do it.

Let's do it. Let's get bonded. Tell death to us, I want you and I for eternity. We will forever. Just podcasting forever. Oh, my God in heaven. Jesus Christ.

Why are we still doing these ads? All right. Okay, listen. So if you are on Earth, Squarespace is the best place to, Dave, can we get back to the story? We've been up here 100 years. All right, let's do Patreon.

Oh, my God. On January 25th, 1846, Brigham adopted eight couples. Quote, the spirit. What? Well, he can, if you adopt them, you can also then buy, to them. The spirit of

Almighty God attended the administration and filled their hearts to overflowing and many wept for joy that were adopted into my family. Can you just have friends, you fucking weirdos? Yeah, it's all... Can you just be... Does everything have to be this level of...

It's a level... Right, it's an Amway situation. God hath recognized the dollop. When you bring people into your family, I bet some of these dudes that he brought in were successful, so you're... You're increasing the value of the whole... Well, here we go.

Well, what is our point on earth for net value? Yeah. It's weird. That's what I was told. He adopted Robert and Hannah Pierce, the parents of his wives, Margaret and Mary Pierce. He adopted their parents? So his parents-in-law became his kids, spiritually speaking. Are you quiet, Doug?

Doug. Doug. Get out of here. Go to your little room, Doug. I'm older than you. Shut up. Doug. Mary, come see about Doug.

This is crazy. Doug is so lippy. If he, hey, Doug, if you don't want dinner, then you don't have to eat dinner. But I won't stand for as you sit here complaining about dinner, Doug. I don't like your peas. You got to go to your room, Doug. You go to your room, Doug. Go to your room, Doug.

Go to your room. Someone throw him in his room. And shut him in there. Christ. I don't like that. Oh, yeah, you're quiet, Dougie. Your father is a real. Lunate.

You're you worst. You're trying to drive. That's it, Doug. Doug! I'm going to throw my teeth at you. Doug, I will beat your... Doug, I will beat you with a belt. Your dad is out of line again.

Well, take off my diaper and then... Go to bed. Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, look. What I can't have is you getting mad at dinner. How about this? I'll make your peanut butter sandwich. We'll cut the crusts off. Okay.

Just go to bed, okay? The crusts are too hard. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here. A good little guy. Good little guy, huh? You're 74. Yeah. You're 74 years old?

Yeah. Hair smells pretty good. What do we do? Hey. I think I... Hey, get one of the girls in here. I know. Well, I do have 80 wives.

That's right. Is that prill? You been, you know, stinker? No stinker, bud. Go to bed. In February of 1846, the Mormon refugees from Nebu crossed the Mississippi. Brigham. Mormon refugees.

We've come all the way from Ohio. Brigham planned to send over 300 over the mountains to start planting crops and preparing for everybody else. Okay. He called it the camp of Israel. Larger groups of Mormons would camp at various spots between... So Michael Rappaport wants to live. Larger groups of Mormons would camp at various spots between Illinois and the Rocky Mountains to help get people ready for the crossing.

Brigham claimed Camp of Israel volunteers could march 20 miles a day on just one-half pound of flour each. Well, I think we'd rather more. Well, you might be right. Can I say one word? Sure. Flapjacks. my Mormons can walk 20 miles on a cup of flour Yeah

No water I mean half a pound is But again This is what I don't understand But you're just talking about like bread and they're just Foul and like it's not You're not like making a lot of Well what are they how are they ingesting half a pound of flour

Well they're cooking like you you just I mean basically you're mixing with like salt and sugar and water and baking something Or cooking something So you are okay Because in my I guess a lot of times when we talk about it I just picture someone like pounding dust. No, I think they're, you know, they travel.

White mouths. When they stop, they cook at night, and then they have that for the next day. And they have some flour. I think that's what is. Or they cook in the morning. But it's all, but it's not. It's not great. You can't, you can't cruise long journeys on just flour.

No. You need protein. And although maybe they're... A little bit of belief goes a long way. But maybe they came across a gnome or whatever, and they ate them. For some reason, they were struggling to recruit participants. Brigham said a lack of unity and obedience had, quote, caused Joseph to lose his life. So his idea of like, hey, let's go, let's go 20 miles a day on a half pound of flour.

Everyone's like, yeah, I'm not going to sign up for this. Yeah. And then he's like, you, this is why Joe died. Yeah. Because you're bullshit. Quote, caused Joseph to lose his life. And the same problem now threatened to, quote, bring me down to my grave. It doesn't work.

People don't fall for it. Camp of Israel never happens. Nah. Everyone's like, you know what? I'm with you on a lot of stuff. Uh-huh. The whole me walking and dying in the desert, not down. Man, but admit it would have been a great money saver if you'd fallen for it.

He starts becoming more paranoid and controlling. He wanted camp captains to observe every person in camp and report on their behavior. See, it's just... It's actually what our... are Silicon Valley guys want. Oh, yeah. No, this is Palantir. But it, again, I mean, that is, that is part of the thing is that religious cults are just

like other cults. They think that they're just because you, it's always some flawed dude who's atop it, who's paranoid, crazy, and wants everything. Yeah. And he's already fucking everybody, but he's even framed that as like the Lord. Yeah, right. But eventually it's just some fucking lunatic who's like, everyone's mad at me. It's like, well, everyone's mad at you.

because you're fucking coming in their wives so much. Stop coming in their wives. What are you doing? Like, what do you expect? Brigham, I've said this to you so many times. I'm surrounded by potential assassins. Can you please stop coming in everyone's wife? They're my wives, too, and no.

I know, I know, but it's just everyone's getting a little upset. Well, that's God's plan. God wants me to plant my seed everywhere that's possible. I'm grossed out. Why? It's just... Picture. my balls like corn makers.

Now it's worse. There we are. Did you say... And a woman's lower half is soil. Did you say corn makers? Oh, we're coming, my lord. We're planting the corn. Do, do, do, do, do.

Come on. No. Shooting the seeds like it's porn. Do, do, do, do. Come on. Here's my only problem is right now... You know what I need to do is I need to give people take home cups of my semen.

That's right, like doggy bags. Line up, the cups are here. Here we are, everybody. I call this machine gunning. Get ready. I feel like we should get a new religion. What is that? Nothing.

Sounds like someone said something about a new religion. I said I'm hoping for some sort of Jones Town thing. Oh, what's that, I wonder? He threatened those who resisted his authority with, quote, slap of revelation. Weird. Again, because isn't there one leader of your cult? Isn't it the Lord?

Yeah. Okay. So then he's like, you doubt me. That's bullshit. No matter what he did, they moved slow and reach the border of what is now Nebraska and July. Okay. They had to deal with a shit ton of mud, severe weather, hunger, and disease.

But very few of them gave up. they could have gone closer to Mormon towns, but they believe they were retracing the sacred wanderings of the ancient Israelites. So they could. So they believe. They truly, but also like, they're just making it up. Yeah, that's part of it.

It's like, back then you were like, you swear to God? There's no like path or whatever. They're just like. You know, Moses did a lot in Omaha. Moses said under this tree. This is, yeah. This might not be the bush that burned, but he was probably here.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? During this time, the U.S. went to war with Mexico over part of Texas that the U.S. spuriously claimed was theirs. Yeah, that's what we do.

Yeah. Just like Venezuela has our oil. They do. Brigham planned for the Mormons to get the eastern end of the Rocky Mountains by winter to the eastern end of the Rocky Mountains. So he's, that's,

yeah, all right. But the Army, but Army Captain James Allen instead proposed that 100 Mormon men join the U.S. Army, and in return, the U.S. government would help them settle in a new area.

Most Mormons are suspicious. Well, it's super weird that in God's plan, the Army has to draft to get involved to get you your promise land. Like, it's so fudgy. This is all part of what God had written down. So I talk to God, and we need a plan. Toon.

That makes sense. We're one brigade away from having our utopia. And this is in the book? Was this on the plates? It's on the plates. Oh, it was on the plates. Can I tell you about the fifth plate? No.

Oh, yeah, there's a fifth plate. Yeah. What's on there? It's a bunch of stuff about this stuff. A bunch of this stuff that probably over the next six months to a year is going to seem a little strange. That'll probably be what's on the plate. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So just all part of. God's plate plan. So Mormons are suspicious. Brigham is like, yeah, this sounds great. Of course.

If you're at the top, it's awesome. And he was like saying, your sons will have to die. He's also singing as like, the U.S. is eventually going to expand in California, and that's just a lot of open space. So we could help them out, and then they'll help us out and we'll get some bland.

Okay. Quote, in an August letter, he reminded President Polk. of Mormon support in the 1844 election and informed the president that, quote, should we locate within the territory of the U.S. as we anticipate,

we would esteem a territorial government of our own. That seems a bit strange too for even a president to be like, what? Secession is the goal. Yeah. Brigham was also interested in the army because the soldiers would be paid. You see, one thing God never counted,

Don was a bank account. Money. We need to get some money. We need money. So they're all poorish. Remember, they've lost all the fucking land and everything else. So they created the Mormon Battalion, quote, the only military unit in American history were created on the basis of religion.

Yes. Well, yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's true anymore. Yeah, not anymore. Not since Heggy went in. They signed up for a year and were given an adjudic. Advanced Uniform Allowance of $42, and he took all that. It's remarkable to hear...

How long were we paying soldiers? Is that new? No, I mean, what? No, we've been paying them for a long time. But in this time, this was regular to be paid as a... Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, you still get paid. That's been going on for centuries.

It's interesting. Definitely. But let's see, $18, $18. $42. Yeah. How much do you think it is? Guess. That's actually a pretty, pretty large amount.

I mean, I don't know. 10 grand? But that's... I mean, ice gets 50. 10? Did you say? Ice gets 50. Yeah.

That's a lot of fucking money. It's almost $2,000. That can't be right. Got to go with ice. Maybe she can bring. Dude, I saw this video the other day of the ICE agent getting his fucking, the cops arresting him and then ripping off his mask and glasses. And I was like, yeah. And then someone's like, cool AI.

And I was like, I really need to stop watching videos. Yeah, they've ruined. They've ruined videos. They've totally ruined videos. Videos got ruined. I was, I watched this amazing video of fucking these mountain fucking goats just, and I was just like, ah, look at them. Fuck. Yep.

It's back to DVDs for me. It is. Time for fucking DVDs again. So they signed up for a year. That all goes to all that money goes to the church. The only battle they fought in was in present-day Arizona against a bunch of cattle. They didn't do anything. We will kill the cattle.

When he realized... Brigham's marrying one of the cows. Good girl. When he realized... When he realized they couldn't get to the mountains that year, they created a township known as Winter Quarters. It's a lot of riffing. It's like Mormonism is jazzy.

Well, that's from out. Just like a lot of, uh, we are going to set up winter camps. Just like God wanted. Talk to a minute ago. This is the new plan. It's called pivoting.

Well, Winterquarters is out of their some gospel shit. It's like a name. But still. It's still dumb. One of Brigham's, wives, Emily, had a son in a tent surrounded by mud. Emily, quote,

people would stop at our house to see a spiritual child. What? Stop at your house. You got that new Jesus in this mud hut? Hello? Fuck. Visitors debated whether these blessed children

possessed the same intelligence as those conceived by monogamous parents. Well, I mean, first and foremost, there's definitely some inbreeding coming, so I don't know. They're saying they're smarter. Yeah, right. But they're saying that it, the... Their kids are smarter than monogamous marriage kids.

Well, we'll see. If they leave the church, they're right. Because if you think about how that works, if you're putting your seed into a bunch of women, wouldn't, like, the, you could make this argument as it was the other way? Like if seven dudes all fucked a lady, then maybe you could be like, well, yeah,

mixed and now they're smarter, but this way doesn't work at all. Also, that session is not great. What if you're like a cat? All right, now my turn to see if my son. my semen smart. I put my smart seat in you. All right. Let the race begin. But also, can you imagine having like

six women pregnant at the same time? Like the stress, the stress of one? Awful. They're all puking. Just absolute pass. Jesus. Another one of his wives had stayed in Navu after giving birth in February. And a month later, he was writing her letters encouraging her to start the our journey with a newborn baby.

Get moving. She waits a year. But like, you can't have fucking take a newborn baby on this fucking trip. Dude, when you're producing babies like apples on a tree and you're in me, he's like, I don't care. He's like, worst case, an area, whatever. You just eat it on the ride. Let's go, lady. I got a bunch of future babies waiting for you.

Chop, chop. So Brigham is now there bringing his full polygamous family together. Some wives moved into a shared home. Mm-hmm. In this, quote, comfortable little log house. Zena Huntington shared a room with Louisa Beeman and Emmeline Free. It's like training camp. Forming a female family, as they called it.

But careful, Mormons like, that's where it stops. Do you think he'd just like go into that room and hump one of them while the other two are just sitting there? Probably. Yeah, probably, right? I mean, at this point, you are creating these, again, it's like any cult where it's, any descent can be, you know, framed as odd or against God's will. And so, so yeah, it's, you know, you're making, the safe choice is to just sit there while he's like, and you're like, and you're like, mm-hmm. Okay. You only have to sit there for...

Lift your legs up. You only have to sit there for a minute anyway because he's just doing it to, you know, he's not trying to satisfy anybody else. Well, yeah, for sure. There's definitely no part where he's like, let me to go down on you. That's disgusting.

That's the baby hole. Now someone blow me. The wives laid hands on each other to cure illnesses, mourn with mothers who lost children, bless each other, and speak in tongues. Eliza quote, This is truly a glorious time with the mothers and daughters in Zion.

Wow. We're doing it. If you block out the civilized society that seems to be forming around us, this journey is easy. Some wives didn't get to be in the house and slept in a wagon. There you are. Where my wagon witch is that? How's the house?

Oh, pretty good. Pretty good. It's pretty warm in there. How's the not good enough wagon going? All right. Everyone off the bench. I'm going to make it to Matilda. They didn't feel the same sisterhood thing that was going on in the house.

One diet of consumption in 1847. Kick her out. It's gross to pork in front of her. A baby died at seven months, quote, from teething and canker, which can't kill you. So probably an infection of some kind. Oh, I thought that was him like that baby faked it. His marrying frenzy slowed down but didn't stop. In March of 1847, he was sealed to sisters Mary and Lucy Bigelow.

Here we are. How crazy is this? Your lives are pretty much over. Doop do, do, do, do. Do we have a wife count? We'll get one, I'm sure. I saw one somewhere when I was doing this. Later that year, he married Sarah Malin on the same day that he sealed her father to a wife.

So that's nice. It's, this is horrifying. This guy. This is really horrifying. This guy probably traded his daughter to get another lady. That's what it sounds like. It's just crazy. Yeah, no, it's awful.

So many wives made Brigham a woman expert. Because he knows the lady. He's got so many ladies. He knows how women work. Quote, a woman is the dirtiest creature. Oh my God. Oh, my God. I mean, they can be.

This is the oil. Drillard. But in a good way. A woman is the dirtiest creature. Dirtyer than a man. Men are honest. But if a woman won't lie, she is a miracle. Well, your entire foundation of your religion is based on them pretending.

I can't believe there's misogyny involved in this. I mean, the entire religion is based on women pretending to be happy at this point. So what do you want to think? She's a liar. These women are liars. Another quote. The influence of my women over me is no more than the buzzing of a flies wing in winter. That's fucking horrible.

That is horrible. They are merely baby receptacles to him. Yes. I mean, that is crazy. Yes. He discouraged men from beating their wives, but advised, quote, It is perfectly right that you enjoy a woman all you can to overflowing and tell her to keep all about her clean and neat. Oh, wait.

Now, wait a minute. Is he saying what I'm thinking he's saying? I don't know. Is he saying just... Well, I think overflowing, he might be saying babies. Yeah, sort of... I don't know about the clean and neat shit, though. Well, I mean, he's basically just being like,

let me bust and then you clean it up. I hope not. That's what I felt. Read it again. It is perfectly right that you enjoy a woman all you can to overflowing and tell her to keep all about her clean and neat. He sounds like EZE. I mean, that is... some fucking wild shit, dude.

There you are. Now that I finished, clean it up. Have I ever told me my wife the E-E-E-E-thing? No. When we were watching the movie. NWA? Yeah, yeah. And of course, I grew up on that.

Straight out of Compton. Yeah, like, I grew up on that music. Yeah. And she's, we're watching. She goes, oh, my God, does he die? And I was just like, oh, my God. The widest woman ever. I married the widest woman in the world.

Does he die? Good. Lord. Die. I mean, I remember his solo album, I used to fucking love. But when he got AIDS, I was like, I am not surprised. I mean, that whole album was crazy. Give me that nut?

Oh, my God, that song. His main jobs at Winter Quarters were practical rather than spiritual. Get the grill mist up and running, maintain peace, the local Native Americans, especially. Can you imagine the Native Americans are like, the actual? Is this what white people are like? The actual fuck is this guy doing? How are you? These are my 80 wives.

These are my 190 children. We're starving. They had to deal with regular disagreements over cattle theft. And most importantly, he had to figure out how to get 12,000 Mormons over the Rocky Mountains. 400 Mormons died in the winter of 46, 47 at the camp. Just make more. That's a lot. That's a lot.

In January, he received the first revelation since the John. Joseph died because he's been doing all his fucking. He forgot about, you know, doing this stuff. Yeah, you got to keep the grifts going. Yeah. It explained how to cross the mountains and compared the saints again to the ancient Israelites, promising that God's arm is stretched out in the last days to save my people Israel.

What? It also mentioned that church members shouldn't question the directions of the 12 apostles as their decisions are sacred. So, do what we say and shut the fuck. up about it. Because there's probably a lot of, people who are like, a lot of us are dying.

Yes. Hey, there's some problems out here? Hey, I lost a lot of my wives. In mid-April, Brigham and about 150 pioneers set off. 145 of those were men.

Brigham's brother, Lorenzo, was allowed to bring his pregnant wife and her 18-year-old daughter, who was also Brigham's wife, and she came along to help her mom. I mean, he literally,

must not know who we married. Have we met? I'm your wife. Is that my baby in you? Is that my baby in you? Yes. Yeah. Well. I have two other children with you. Are you clean and neat?

Oh my God. Christ. Come on. We got a dirty one, boys. Keep moving. Heber was a lot of wife. And then they also brought three slaves. The Dalep is brought to you by Squarespace.

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Take care of it. According to Turner, Brigham, quote, instituted a strict daily routine. A horn awoke the camp at 5 a.m., and after prayers, breakfast, and preparations, they resumed the journey at 7 a.m. Dude, can you imagine hanging in there for this shit? Look, I'm out at any 5 a.m. up thing. I'm out. It seems that kind of is breaking me, too. Yeah, I'm totally out.

Like, my whole life has been geared on. Because I guarantee you, he's like, come on, let's go. Yeah. Motherfucker, shut up. Let me sleep in. I fucking walked all day yesterday. Kick your head in. How about that? How about, yeah. How about I kick your fucking face and bring them? Does that sound good? Excuse me. I wonder how many people

just like, just like walked off. Or fake died. If you're dying by the clip of hundreds, you know what I mean? Just be like, I'm just going to keep sleeping. Well, Lewis is, pal. He planned for the camp to travel until early morning when pioneers would arrange their wagons in a circle for dinner's prayer and sleep. Sometimes people annoyed Brigham by having too much fun. He complained about, quote, levity, loud laughter, whooping, and hollowing.

All right. So look, here's the thing. It seems like everybody's a little too cheery. Well, people are out there having fun. And I don't love it. Well, they're just having a good time when they say. stop at night. So it's like a blow off of a stew. Yeah, it's a bother.

Like they're throwing the ball around or laughing. Oh, there's a ball? And they'll pop that or do whatever that is to that. No, the here's the thing. This whole journey is about making it to the promised land. Okay? And that's a big part of it. Now on the way, I'm going to be

fucking and nutting and babies and you guys get a little bit of flour each time. This is all God stuff. Are you fucking questioning me? No. Okay. Because that's really the idea. When I'm hearing that giggling and that sort of stuff, that to me feels a little sinful.

And I talk to God and the 12 big boys and they're like, yeah, they don't love it either. So, or they said it first, and then I'm interpreting their will and their, you know, whatever the fuck they want. So I'm going to need you all to chill out. Stop it.

Heaven laughs. Just go to bed. We're just enjoying each other's company. Stop. That's crazy. Focus. Would you please? Got to focus on the mission. We've got to get to Utopia the Promise Land, my guy. Okay?

Have I married your wife? Yes. I want to marry her again in the ceremony tomorrow, and I will consummate it right prior. Oh, Jesus, prior. Yeah. All right, good talk. Brigham distrusted the slaves, quote, Those Negroes want to dance.

Others join in with them, and they all become. Negroes together. Hi, I'm Brigham Young. Recently, some comments that I made when I was on my journey to the promised land have been revealed. And I just want to say, in retrospect, what I said was pretty messed up. The idea that because some people who have lives have been totally ruined by you and your racism are turning people into that color or that ethnicity and that that's bad, boy, I can't

believe I said it. So won't you join me in porking your wife, who now was my wife? The next morning, Brigham called everyone together and had a go with them. Quote, I have let the brethren dance and fiddle

and act the N-word night after night. I would kill him. I would literally jump up and beat him right now. I would rather see the dirtiest thing you can find on the earth than a pack of cards in your hands. All right. Hey, buddy, we dealt with a lot of your shit.

Now I am going to murder you. Lay your wife down. Shut the fuck up. He said he didn't. By the way, this is our form of government. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. He said anyone who didn't get their shit together would be left behind.

Quote, I swear to you, he shall never see home again. I will leave them on the prairie. So after this, the group became. I would 100% be like, I just found a new golden plate. What? Yeah, it says that you're full of shit. It says you're a fucking dick.

I just translated it. The group became still and sober after this with no more laughter and muck it around. Man, that is wild. Now any joy that they had. Aren't you taking your slow deaths a little too less seriously than you should? In early June, they reached Fort Laramie, Wyoming and started along the Oregon Trail, trying to keep ahead of other groups and also traveling west. Thousands were heading for California.

Many were Missourians who the Mormons hated, as they had murdered, Justice Smith. Brigham was convinced the Great Basin was their destiny. They met adventures along the way. One was adamant that the Great Basin was a shithole and they should go to California. No. Nope.

No, we're going to go to what's known as the Great Basin. I don't think California is going to be the long-term solution. We're going to go to a big hole. Big toilet place. We're going to go. Trash down. Big salty toilet. Brigham refused to change course.

Upon arriving an elder wrote, quote, we gazed with wonder and admiration upon the vast, rich, fertile valley. Clothed with the heaviest garb of green vegetation, President Young expressed his full satisfaction in the appearance of the valley as the resting place for the saints. Chick-y-check-it-out. Yeah. What's going to do it here? All right.

Think we finally realize I'm not an idiot. Brigham said, this is the place, the promised land. We've made it. They did it. Now this is the fourth, third Zion? Doesn't matter. There was always, if you talk to the apostles, are you supposed to go through about six to seven Zion?

Yeah, yeah, you go through a bunch of Zion. He immediately chose a spot for a new temple. The apostles created a system of land distribution in which obedience, obedient church members would get land. There you go. They would be able to use it as long as they were faithful to Brigham and the church elders. Now, the only thing that God asks is that you don't ever fuck around with me. Don't play games.

No, I wouldn't. So then you're going to be fine. I wouldn't. See, the whole thing is God really loves me. Okay. He just wants me to make sure that I'm okay. So don't play any games. No, I'm not.

I wasn't planning on. Okay. Okay. Do I have to do that lip thing too? No. Okay. Where's your wife? I'd like her.

Wow. Oh my God. This is like every time I give you something. I'd like her to be mine too. I need more wives. Okay. God said, God said I got to get more. Oh.

Okay, go. I just. You guys seem so happy. We were. Yeah. No, she's mine. I wish you wouldn't do that. Your wife is mine now.

This doesn't help because you just do it like in like a nicer way. That sucks for you. And I get the big house. And you get a big house. a little place. And now I put your wife in a wagon when I'm done banging her. Oh, Jesus. It's God weird.

Yes. And yet for me, so good. And for you, it's so bad. All because of some dishware. Okay. All right. I can't wait to get out of it. Yeah.

Something they did not plan for was that people were already living there. That's hilarious. Here we are. We finally made. to the promise land. Enjoy yourselves. Let's build the temple. Who are they?

It is the Shoshone and the Utes. Oh, well, they, Dave, those aren't people. Those are people. The previous owners. Quotation mark. Brigham believed they would eventually colonize and convert them.

They were the descendants, after all, of the Lamanites. Mm, we're, now we like, we don't like that. They do like that. They do like the Laman. Well, they're not delightful, white delightful, I think what was what it was.

Which is a delicious chocolate, by the way. But for now, they're just going to, like, ignore them. Right. Let's how you handle that. The Salt Lake Valley was technically Mexican territory, but the Spanish never, like, fully colonized it because there were too many people living there. So the Mormons figured it was theirs

as there's Zion. They're like, well, the Mexicans didn't get it, and the people who live here don't matter. And eventually the U.S. would come around on that. So Brigham envisioned an independent kingdom, and if any U.S. official ever tried to tell him what to do there, he would, quote, hang them on a gibbet as a warning to others. Sure. In late August, he headed back to Winter's quarters, and on the way he met Mormons who were coming to Zion, and they were led by other apostles. And Brigham had an argument with these apostles about why they hadn't come in the big pioneer group that he was with.

but this made Brigham start to think maybe having 12 apostles, maybe that's too many apostles. A lot of apostles. They should probably just be like one guy. That's very little. That's a smaller amount. Yeah, much smaller. But easier to make decisions.

Maybe six? Easier to make decisions. Maybe we'd see how that goes? You cut it down to just like the one guy. Well, I mean, whoever the one is, we've got to pick the right person. I know it's going to be a man, so I'm not going to fool myself. But we got to pick, if it's just one. one guy. And that's been done. We've got to pick the right guy. Yeah, I did it. We've got to pick,

I don't even know how we do it. I mean, I think we maybe do it like Miss Universe. We have some talent. We have, you know, let's evaluate some answers to some, what did you say? So I already figured this out. You just that hill, do you see that hill back there? Yeah. You just go up on top and go, me, which I did. And that was what God. And that was God. And that was God. Who did you pick? Me? I'm going to be the guy. Wait, but you're all, you're already the head of all of this. Yeah, but like double. Isn't the idea of having an apostle that you can sort of You want to be GM and coach? Yeah, I mean, I think that's easier.

It seems like that's normally when a franchise starts to dip under a little bit. Can we lock this one up? For what? Me? What are you talking about? I'm just here's some guy who's chatting to you. Let's put him. We were just having a fine conversation.

Let's stake his hands to the ground and leave him. Well, you have a steak my hands on the ground. What are you doing? How many wives do you have? I have two wives. Okay. Great. Great.

What? Thank you. Oh, my God. So, So in December of 1847, they had a meeting about how to run the church. Only one apostle, Orson Pratt, had the guts to tell Brigham, his idea was bad. All right. Well, what do you know?

You're not an apostle anymore. Quote, arguing that the apostles had effectively governed the church and that Young possessed no divine authorization to alter the existing arrangement. He suggested Brigham's role was more like Speaker of the House of Congress rather than president. Well, I don't think you know that I found another plate. Isn't this like the 17th plate? Yeah, there's another plate. And I think you gotta go shut the fuck up Because I think this last plate was pretty straightforward.

I looked at it and I read it through the rock or whatever the fucking thing is. And it says you need to shut up and it's just giving me for no one. That's good. Brigham responded, quote, shit on Congress. Oh. There's a bumper sticker. When you undertake to dictate and dictate and counsel me, it insults me. Brigham interspersed his arguments with shouting as if channeling a spirit, which I've done.

That's how usually when arguments with a wife ever now. You've definitely done that. I've seen you do that. He said he was invited in a dream and told this was the right path. Quote, I believe the good Lord will give me revelations as plain as he ever told Joseph. I had a dream I was toast. What are you talking about? The apostles unanimously appointed Breggenbeong to be president.

It's funny that the apostles who have no value anymore in the real world, they're telling him what to do. And that is to be the head of the only apostle. Yeah, well, now they're done. They gave up their power, if you can imagine. A government of body giving up their power. How did you sleep? I slept really good, but the apostles, I guess, want me to be in charge of everything. Okay.

Can we have word with the apostles? No, they were in my dreams. Weeks later, the proposal was presented to the whole church membership. Brigham, quote, This is the best day I've seen in my life. This is a heavenly day, a day of Zion. And they agreed to the new appointment. Returning to Utah after the winter,

he was looking forward to running his own independent state. In 1848, the settlement grew from 200 to 4,000 in a year. Can I ask you a question? Go ahead. much do you think he believes all this? Very little. Yeah, I truly, I truly think he's just... But when he started, he believed it.

I think so. Now he's just drunk with power. I really think there's something to the fact that he was just crazy poor and saw this as like the ground floor of a thing that he could get into and find stability or more. We're talking about the vice president? Of... Go ahead. No.

So it grows from $204,000 a year. The U.S. had claimed Utah from Mexico. The U.S. is like, so that's mine. So these are all ours, too? You know how this part goes up on the map and then like a little sticky thing? I get a pitch. I'm going to take whatever I want. Yeah, that's stuff that is between us and California.

I need that. Here's the thing. You don't get it anymore? Oh, interesting. America's ours. I get to do it. do it? It's an exciting new era.

Brigham, quote, governed the church like an Israelite judge or patriarch, giving his judgment in criminal cases, settling marital disputes, and regularly visiting new settlements. I also am going to wear a wizard beard and have a staff. Does that sound good? I shall have a parrot on my shoulder. I'm going to walk around on stilts from now on. Sort of give the vibe. This hand will be made out of silver.

All right. I'm going to wear Hulkfists. Hulkfists. I'm going to wear Hulk fists and a wizard beard. And if anyone fucks with me, I'm going to bang your wife. I talk to God. The 1849 winter was very tough. Each person got half a pound of flour a day.

Some ended up eating flower bulbs and wolf meat. I hope that's the wolves dead and not taking the meat from wolves. By the way, you give me a half pound of flour. wolf meat? That doesn't sound terrible. What are you doing? Well, I'm just saying it sounds like a charcutory. No, but what if it's something the wolf killed and it's been there for a couple days? I'm fucking

dying. Are you kidding me? Do you know that Ravens children befriend wolves? We got to stop that. And then they, like their friends for a long time and the wolves play with the Ravens. We got to put a stop to that. I'm

saying it could be the next thing. We really have to put a stop to that. I'm just, I think, I they should get their own country. We've been so obsessed with stopping the whales. We've got to fucking lock in on that. Yeah, well, the whale thing is out of control. The whale's been not, it's... I saw an amazing video of a bunch of whales.

It was fake. Yeah. Anytime I see anything good, it's fake. Yes. Some hoped Brigham would give up and lead them to California. Rumors about gold were enticing some people. Brigham, quote, to talk of going away from this valley for anything as like vinegar to my eyes.

Gold will sink a man to hell. Now, bring me my pig. I know here's the thing is he's just like, it's just like fucking all the women and just being a total dirtbag. He's like, not gold. This is, if you're in, this is like when you're in government for 50 years. Yeah. You're like, what are you talking about?

Yeah. Not through capitalism. Look how good. I did. Move to California, but I'm thriving. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. The Mormons were spreading around the area, building temples to stake their claim on the land,

becoming self-sufficient, and trying to convert the Native Americans. So they... We are very comfortable living on this land the way it is. We live in perfect harmony. We're good. We're good. But hold on.

What if all of the... All that bullshit you're talking about was different because that old codger over there gets to pork your missus. And you show us how to make all these things, because right now we're just living on flower and wolf shit. What? Jesus Christ. First of all, you're going to have to learn English. You shut up. Give us your wives.

That old guy going to in them make a lot of little pups, and then they'll be raised in our cult. You stop yap-ypping. and give us the secret to crops. You seem pretty good at growing those. No. Yes. We'll be back tomorrow with the pitch. Boy, they are idiots.

They established about 100 colonies over 10 years. Brigham became stricter about morals. He complained of devils in the valley and said they should leave or else. Who's he talking about? he's he's talking about the Native Americans Right yeah He suggested some disruptive men Should be decapitated quote

I want his head cut right off right before this people And they say amen or take some course to stop such infernal doings It is a dormant gene in the white man Just all of a sudden you get to power and you're like Cut his head off in front of his friends. What? Yeah, for gold. I love the argument that all the white supremacists make.

It was just like, hey, the Indians were killing each other too. Well, yeah, but they were also living within harmony of the world. See, the white man came to destroy the world instead of living with it. So it's a completely different... Excuse me. If we let them do their version, you wouldn't have a Texas roadhouse in every mall outlet. So we don't know if they actually do this. Brigham also has a large family to deal with.

Most of his wives are in Utah now. He had 20 children, two grandchildren at this point. He had built a really, really long cabin, which he called log row. Long log cabin. Sure. There were various family quarters in it. 10 to 12 of his wives lived in it with their kids at any one time. Awful.

From 1854, he lived in his official residence, the mansion house or the White House, with his first wife, Marianne. So did he, he held on to the first. She was like an important figure. Some wives recorded feelings of trepidation, fear, or sadness having to live in a communal way. What? What's the problem? Zina wrote of the emotional roller coaster of being one of many wives. Eight months pregnant.

And with an ill son, she wrote, quote, the hours and pain. loneliness that I saw by day and by night. See, are you thinking over there? It is horrible. It's terrible. I mean, absolute torture, horrible. Well, you're married, but completely alone. I mean, it's just like...

Married alone. Yes. On another night, she and Brigham enjoyed, quote, a very agreeable conversation about Adam and Jesus. I love how Eve's not a part of that. So that's why Adam was so great. That's why Jesus loved him. Fucking Eve.

God damn it. This woman couldn't go one night without ribs. Not one fucking night. Unreal. Augusta hated the situation. She kept asking Brigham to unseal them and seal her to someone else. Now? Yes.

Mine. Please let me out. Shut up. Quiet. Unseal me. Quiet. Unseal me. Quiet.

We're going to do a 69, but my mouth doesn't do it on you. Oh, my God. Come on. It's called a six. We're going to do a 69, but I don't touch you with my mouth. That's icky. You do mine. Her first choice was Jesus.

Do it 69, but your legs go away from me. Her first choice was Jesus. Another was being spiritually bonded to Jesus. So she'd be like a nun, like married to Jesus. And second was Joseph. So then also the same thing. She wants to be spiritually bonded to dead guys instead of him. Yeah, she's just very much like, please.

It's this whole body part that's really upsetting me. Augusta, quote, I have never in my life felt so much like getting a divorce as I do now. Wow. So they had divorce? I guess so. She's like, I've came up with it. I've come up with a term.

New word. She never did. At least seven of his wives severed their spiritual ties with them, usually to allow them to marry someone else. In late 1848, the church wanted to formalize their relationship with the United States. And they lobbied Congress to create a new territory named Deseret. Wow. A book of Mormon word for honeybee.

Sure. Sure. I never knew what it meant until now. I've never heard of it. Oh, Deseret, Desiread, you'll see all over the place. That was like a lady desert. The territory they wanted included most of present-day Arizona, Nevada, and Utah, with parts of Oregon, California, Wyoming, Colorado, and New Mexico.

Well, those first three, they did not have good pickers. Literally right now, the Mormons could pitch taking those three. and I'd be like, go. Go. Well, Utah's gorgeous. Utah's gorgeous, but they already got that one. It does have some farming land. Utah's gorgeous.

In the south. Gorgeous. Arizona? Nevada? Take it. Nevada? You fucking kidding me? Have it. After sending this,

they worried the U.S. officials would try to exploit their land and enrich themselves at Mormon expense. So they kind of freaked out, and they quickly wrote a constitution, and then faked a constitutional convention, which they never had, and then created a flag, currency, and an army. Wow.

They really just bang really quick. They're like, fuck, what do we just do? It's opening night. We haven't rehearsed. Where's that flag? It's just a sheet. That'll do. Cut a hole in it.

That's the Mormon flag. That's us. That's the Mormon flag. That's the greatest flag ever. Spot above that. That's my bottom. You want to use? it. That's my bottom. Take the flag down. It's going to be a big night.

Woo! Okay. So they're freaking out. They do all this stuff. They have elections for this state of Deseret and Brigham was somehow elected governor. I thank you all so much for choosing me. After we've counted all your votes, except for the ones that weren't for me. In July 1849, they celebrated their new independent nation, unfurling a 64-foot-long blue and white flag, firing off cannons and

playing music. Brigham and the apostles entered, quote, dressed in white. The community's young man held a banner welcoming the lion in of the Lord. The young women's banner read, hail to our chieftain. Three days later, Deseret sent a delegate to Congress with their statehold petition. It's so fucking stupid. We made it. But what's the difference from doing that?

fucking making it up anyway in Ohio. Like what? It's all made up anyway. Who? What? Any government you make up, you're making it up. Yeah, but it's like, I guess the difference would be that one is going to deal in some version of like, hey, you get a little zone for yourself all that. This guy is just like, I'm your king.

Which? What? Nothing. Brigham had started to really hate the U.S. government, declaring everyone in D.C. to be corrupt. Quote, God Almighty. will give the U.S. a pill, and that will puke them to death, and that is worse than a libelia. And health care will not cover the price of said pill. Lebelia is a medical treatment that induces vomiting.

Oh, okay. I am a prophet enough to prophecy the downfall of the government that has driven us out. So, like, for me to be like, I'm with the government. Get out of here. It is so cocky to be like, I'm a prophet. Oh, just like. It's just the craziest thing. Kenny Powers prophet. I'm not doing it.

It's a Brit Ratner. Congress is divided on Western expansion and the use of slaves. Shocking. Who were the dissenters back then? I don't know. It seems kind of fucked up. Kill him. Kill him.

Take him out. So the Desert petition doesn't mention slavery. And that allows them to play both sides of the slavery question. Because every state that expanded, they were fighting over if it's going to be the slaves that are a non-slave state. So there were slaves in Desiret between like 50 and 100 of them. So slavery reporters were like, oh, they already have slaves. So they're going to be into slavery. But Morbin lobbyists in D.C.

were going around convincing the anti-slavery side that it would never happen there. And it was already happening. Yeah. Right. Brigham's instructions were to remain very vague about the whole thing. Vague about slavery. Yeah, but if he has them, so he's just lying. It's not being vague.

It's just lying. Or like it's a great little loophole because you can, this way you can pretend you're on both sides. But like it's just so. But it's really weird to be like, but it's really weird to have slaves and be like, we don't really know. Yeah, I don't know. But you have slaves. Yeah, but they're, they're pro-slavery. But they're like workers.

We call them volunteers. Yeah. And they're part, they're not part of our religion. Okay. Yeah. So we don't know. And then you go to the slave people, you're like, oh, we love it. We love that.

It's so good. Oh, my God. I couldn't imagine. It's just, like, what are we doing with those slaves? I'll tell you what, I'm not a fan of his work. I'm basically God's buddy. Yeah. No pay.

That's right. So. they basically are saying they want to be a free state, but we don't really want to make it a law. That's kind of like they're whatever. A compromise is eventually reached. Quote, Congress accepted California as a free state,

abolished the slave trade in the nation's capital, and accepted New Mexico and Utah as territories with no restrictions on slavery. And Congress, a lot of the Utah territory, much less land than they'd requested. So they didn't get all that shit. They just got a...

It's also like, doesn't God have a strong take on this? Like, if you're like talking to God about... On slavery? Yeah. Yeah, God was super into it. Well, wouldn't he be like, nah, it's super fucked up? Or he'd be like, yeah, do it. It's building like Zion.

It's important. But instead, he's like, we're not sure. Like, he seemed pretty positive that he should be in charge. But, I mean, I see both sides. God is so torn. They end up getting Utah and about bits of, Wyoming, Colorado.

Okay. Some winners. President Millard, Millard Fillmore, appointed Brigham Young as governor of the new territory of Utah. It's great to work for you, Philmore. That's what I've been doing with my wives. I'll be hoping you wouldn't bring that up. You've got to be honest.

More babies. You've got to fill more. Anyway, they're filthy. Can we have a woman hose? As we like to say in Utah, women, gross. Girls, lift your dress up. I'm going to clean ye. A number of non-Mormons were appointed as officials and judges to watch over Brigham.

So they did a little bit of a... That's weird to go back to your flock and be like, sorry, they got these guys watching me. Yeah. Brigham made it publicly known. He would not acquiesce to government oversight. At the church's annual July party, by the way, I love you guys, July party. Really good.

The best. with the government officials That's where I try every dish And a woman sticks to one With the government officials there Brigham gives a speech And declared that any American presidents That opposed the Mormons would end up in hell

I mean honestly you gotta be like We probably gotta tell the president What the fuck is that's talking about This is great This is like kind of weird One judge had read up on the book of Mormon And was ready to engage with the church leader and congregation, and he gave his speech, praising their hospitality, and quoted from Mormon scriptures,

but then suggested that the Mormons weren't patriotic enough. Sounds like it. Well, they're not. By the way, you got to love the government being like, would you pick your cult? Which stupid one will you allegiance to? So this pisses off the Mormons, even though what he said is totally true. Right. Brigham said he was, quote, either profoundly ignorant or corruptly wicked.

And he went on to say that the saints definitely shouldn't do anything that would lead to, quote, pulling of hair or cutting of throats. That's fair. Sure. Other government officials were horrified at the suggestion that the saints might try to kill the judge. Yeah. I mean, I get that. Yeah. I get that.

So some of them now leave Utah and they took. 20,000 government investment with them. Mm-hmm. And Brigham Brigham's just, he's holding to it, quote. So easy to hold to it when you're in charge and have everything. Yeah, totally. Quote, Mormonism was a little too warm for their relish. I felt like kicking the poor curses arse out of the territory.

So the Mormons are now losing favor with Americans. Mm-hmm. Americans are like, okay, what the fuck is this shit? they no longer seem like these poor oppressed refugees and then everyone starts hearing about the polygamy and in August of 1852 the church publicly admitted to plural marriage I can't wait to find out what the United States thinks of this we yeah we're doing it oh yeah we love ladies

we love having one dude a bunch of ladies I got a log house full ladies say and a wagon out back several wagons out back just don't ask the women how they feel about it and everyone loves it Don't talk to them. In a conference, Brigham said, quote, there is not a constitution or law in any state in the union that forbids a man from having two wives.

If that man lays down as a principle of faith or creed, as for Congress, they might well abolish slavery in the South as plurality in Utah. So he's saying. Good luck to you. It's fucking locked in here. It is locked in.

He's right. It was locked in. They didn't make it illegal, but they just kept doing it. Yeah. They also argued that polygamy prevented prostitution and adultery. Oh. Gareth. Hear me out.

So if a lady isn't married, she's going to sell that shit. You know what I mean? If you don't, if you don't lock a lady down, she going to put price on that. I'm surprised like she's going to fucking just set like a farmer selling his harvest. The goal is to make sure the woman never benefits in any way from any situation. Also provided righteous husbands for, polygamy, provided righteous husbands for women who often outnumbered men, and followed the examples of not only the biblical patriarchs,

but Jesus and God. In what way? Jesus and God. You didn't know God married what your ladies said? No, I didn't actually. God was all about the chicks. Welcome to Rock of Love. I'm God. The spreading of this doctor, Jesus wasn't even married at all.

No. This is such crazy. The spreading of this doctor did not help get any new recruits. But by the way, he was so focused on others. I think once he got through all that stuff with like the lepers and the sins and stuff, he was really looking to get down and get busy. He was. Without question.

I mean, imagine going on a date with that date, which he's suspect. that you really seem awesome. Oh, thank you. Thanks a lot. I met a guy. The spreading of this doctor did not help get new recruits, and by the end of 1852, almost 20,000 Latter-day Saints occupied the great Salt Lake City and also sediments from San Bernardito, California, up to northern Utah.

And Brigham called it Mormondom. Jesus Christ. Mormon doom. By the mid-1850s, there were a few black. Mormons and converted Native Americans. Lamanites. Yeah, right. God had told the Mormons to convert the

Lamanites. Bring them, quote, The savages are not yet grafted in the olive tree. They are now as a withered branch before the Lord. Hey, motherfucker, I signed up. Not you. You're one of the good ones. I can hear you, dude. All right, I'm just

saying. Stop calling me Withered. You're withered. By the way, was it your wife or daughter? No. Mormon men were encouraged to marry Native American women to, quote, breed the Indian out. I just wish they were alive today to be like, but that didn't age great. Could a Mormon marry a Native American man? No. Hell no. What the fuck? I can't even believe I said that.

Shut the fuck up. Get out. That's disgusting. Kill this. Kill this one. Jesus Christ. Brigham, quote, It is against law for a white woman To take an Indian husband The governing principle is the husband And by prayer, they will bring forth white children. Let let's see.

The white seed must go in. I need everybody to listen to me. The woman will experience no joy or pleasure. Stop trying that. Christ. She will stay in my fucking log, That's it. I'm fucking her.

We're married. We're married. I'm married her. Early in the settlement, Brighman, Brigham discouraged Mormons from hurting the Utes and other groups who stole livestock, arguing they wouldn't, could, they couldn't be held to the same moral standards as whites and needed to be forgiven. They don't know what they're doing. They're not like us. They don't. See, they're very confused because we took all their land. They're not totally crazy.

But in March 1849, he changed his mind and sent a group to track some Native Americans, and they killed every man in the group except a 16-year-old boy. So that's how you... It's awesome. Good for them. No. They killed, the Mormons killed them. Yeah, it's good.

Well, I'm saying, I thought you were saying it's good the Native Americans killed the Mormons. No, no, that'd be horrible. The good guys are winning. I feel like we're not on the same by. I'm saying the Native Americans got killed. Yeah, good. And the Mormons lived. Well, they weren't really signing up for God's plan at the clip that I needed them, too.

So I'm happy. These guys are fucking chalking up victory after victory. A planned new settlement, Fort Utah was in the middle of Utah, and the council figured they would be able to, quote, improve their morals to make fishers of them. And then the saints can buy the fish for them for a trifle, which will preserve their good feelings. I'm also probably going to bang some of the fish.

Just... Yeah. Just the fact that they're... He's a king. Well, they're just like, how can we turn these people into our workers? They're living on the land! What if we can turn... They are now fishing machines.

They're now, yes. They're now fishing for us. They fish for us. Instead of doing what they were doing before, which is just fishing and living... You know, the problem with their plan is they were eating the fish. Now give me it. I should get the fish and the money. Doop to do. and I'm going to marry that guy's wife.

A few dozen settlers moved to Fort Utah, and almost immediately were in conflict with the locals. Three settlers killed a Native American guy, quote. After shooting him, the settlers cut open his abdomen, filled it with rocks, and sunk the corpse in the Provo River. Let me tell you why were the chosen people. We're the only ones doing torso pebbles.

Cattle theft and destruction of Mormon crops continued, and the settlers wrote to Brigham for advice. This is why you shouldn't have been fucking settling. I mean, it's not even settling. It's colonizing the whole fucking area. He initially repeated that the Indians were just stupid and should be treated with patience. But then changed his mind, quote,

I say go and kill them. He didn't do like fake consulting God anymore? Yeah, fuck it, yeah. Do it. Joseph prophesied many of the Lamanites will have to be slain. many of them by us. Joe said it.

Is that new? That's just new. Yeah. Oh, you know, now that I'm hearkening back to a conversation that I just remember I had with Joseph. He said kill him all. He said, actually, we should kill him all. What took so long?

And then at that point, I'd be like, well, you didn't remember that? Are you sure you're the chosen? Well, I was, you know what I was doing? I was saying, I've been saying for years, like, we need to convert them. And then I totally forgot that he didn't say convert. He said killed. I didn't tell you about the 38th plate. Oh, yeah.

It was a big one. Yeah, he was basically, God basically buried a home goods in Joseph's backyard. So God buried, he buried a lot of stuff back there, so they're coming up all the time. But also God was like, what about wives, lots of them, and glory holes? You know, the more that I think about it, the more I think that God's plan is really great for me. It's a good thing. The good thing. He declared war against the youths.

Quote, we shall have no peace until the men are killed off. Wow, he really 180'd. But would let the women and children live if they behave themselves. Take no hostile Indians as prisoners. You know, it would be great. What would be great would be to go back to this era and just time machine back there and just give the Native Americans machine guns. Yeah.

That would be amazing. Awesome. I mean, just to be like, yeah, okay. On February 13th, 11 Native men were tricked into disarming the Mormons militiamen acting friendly. So they were like, hey, we're here to be cool. And then they killed all the 11 dudes. The militia wrote to Brigham to ask what to do with the 25 or so women and kids. And he replied, quote,

Let it be peace with them or extermination. Not really an answer. Kind of hard to make peace with those people that have extermination on the forefront. The murdered men had their heads cut off and sent to D.C. for medical research. All right. I'm going to say right now, we are just... You know, remember that kid who used to pour hot water on ant hills? That's us as an ethnicity. I just...

It is something, it is damaging. That is so fucked up. What's the travel situation on that? The heads? Just thinking how many months it took everyone to get here. Like, what's going on with the heads across the... Like what are they, what shape are they in when they get there? How much is it to overnight them? Like, what do we do?

Not good. Not good. And also, what are they doing? What are they doing with the heads? Here's what you do. If someone brings you 11 heads to study the brains of the see what's wrong with these people, you cut that guy's head off and you study that brain. It's not great.

No, I would say, I'd say we've really failed. Dozens of use were killed over the next month as the Mormons claimed the Valley. by the mid-1850, there were eight new towns in the area. And Brigham said he had once believed the Native Americans could be saved, quote, but my natural disposition and taste it loathes the sight of those degraded ideas. Leeds had, quote, fallen in every respect, inhabits, custom, flesh, spirit, blood, desire. They're just in the way. And they're like, this is.

They're in the way of profit. They're in the way of profit. This sucks. Yeah. A couple of months later, he wrote to several U. Chiefs, quote, We cannot live with bad Indians. We can live with good Indians and we'll do them good.

And he signed the letter, Big Chief. Oh, my God. I'll tell you what. No wonder he had so many kids because this dude's balls are massive. Oh, I dropped my head. Those are some big balls. Big Chief? Big Chief.

Oh, my God. It's just such a white guy thing to do. Holy fuck. It's one of the most white guy things ever. Call me big chief, boys. That sounds like, oh my God. He met with the chiefs and offered to buy their land. The Uts politely declined, but were...

We find value in the land itself, not the money for the land. Yeah, we want the land so we can dig that shit up. Yeah. They politely declined, but were encouraged by the peaceful overtones in the meeting. I got bad news for you. The Mormons sang hymns and Brigham did a sermon in which, She spoke in tongues. Now that would throw me off.

Oh, right. Well, now that we're all buddies, I got a little something I want to say to y'all. What's that? Okay. Why are you guys looking a little confused? We just, maybe I don't understand the language. Okay.

So this is English, and then this is kind of God. Okay. Okay. Good to be friends. Yes. Thank you. Let's get the fuck out of here. But soon, Brigham became annoyed at the naked Indians disrupting his plans.

Quote, we would have taught them to plow and sow and reap and thrash, but they prefer idleness and theft. What? Wow. What? It's capital. He's just. Here's the thing. This is so capitalism running.

I don't know. if it's capitalism yet, but it's just profit-driven madness in which the other people are like, now we just live on it so we don't have to do as much. He made pleasure illegal, so that's what it is. He's like, what are you doing, frolicing? Get the fuck up. Build a barn, you idiots. They had less work lives.

That's what they were. And everyone's like, why you should be working all the time? Yeah. And they're like, no, we did this thing and it's great. You idiot. Everything we have set up. Only the Mormons would make proper use of the fertile land in the valley. and he proposed the Indian should all be moved to a reservation.

Slavers sold Native American children to the Mormons threatening to kill the kids or sell them to other tribes if they didn't pay. And Mormons want to convert the kids, but in saving them, they encouraged more slavery and more children were captured and sold. Pretty cool little system. It's really good. Brigham said to, quote,

buy up the Lamanite children as fast as they could and educate them and teach them the Gospels so that in not many generations they would be white and delight some people. You know, the best way to get young people to listen to you is to kill their parents and their ways of living. But this is what all the Indian schools were, and they did this in Canada and the U.S. all over. Yeah, just it was just like re-indocrine them up. Yeah. Yeah. On Slaby, Brigham contradicted himself, saying he wanted Utah to be, quote, free soil, but to abolish slavery, it would be throat cutting to themselves and

damnation to the blacks. Well, there you go. Seems like a bias. Boy, the argument of just like they're better being slaves than not slaves is crazy, but it's so prevalent. In 1852, he wrote to the state legislature about his hopes that black people could live in Utah as happy servants to nice white employers rather than mean slave owners. See, that's good.

We're nice. We're nice owners. Oh, my God. I've heard of the better owner principle. But two weeks later, he said, quote, I am a firm believer in slavery in as much as I believe in the Bible. I love how he was like, you know what?

No, no, no, no, no. I thought about it. That was a crazy thing I wrote. I can't believe I did that. It was two weeks ago. And as much as I believe in the ordinance of God, I must believe in slavery. So slavery is good for whites and blacks, as we're saying.

In February of 1852, the Assembly passed an act in relation to service, which wrote Brigham's vision into law. It didn't use the word slave or slavery, but insured Utah was open to slavery. Open. It said slave owners should be nice to their slaves, but slavery was totes, okay. Slave owners should be nice to their slaves.

You could have slaves, but let's be nice. the perfect central compromise, basically. Yeah, without question. Unless you're one of the slaves. The federal government was so appalled by the revelations of polygamy that no one noticed Utah had legalized slavery. Yeah, well, I mean, at that point, what is going on? By the way, we're doing slaves now. Utah didn't have many slaves, but that wasn't the point.

It discouraged black people from settling in Utah. Right. That was the point. Breggam praised it as having nearly freed the territory of the colored population also enabling the people to control all who see proper

to remain. In 1862 Congress abolished slavery in all territories. So Utah's little Utah's grand dream of nice slavery was over. That is so sad. And that's the end of

part three. Ah, it's a tough ending. Part to part four, things get a little heated with America. Well, I can't believe they survived. I can't believe they're still around. That's shocking. It is. But I think that they got so many into that area so fast. No, they did. It really, the polygamy really helped. The polygamy helped. And there were just a lot of people. They just, they fucking made like

shark's teeth. Yeah. There's always backup. Yeah. Good stuff. So this was written by Charlotte George. And the main source, John G. Turner, Brigham Young, additional source, M.R. Werner, Brigham Young, and Stephen Harding led her to his family 1862 on arriving in Salt Lake City. Hey, Dullop fans. I know you love the Dallop. You love listening to the Dullop. Do you want to watch the Dallop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary. It's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people,

the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one. So go there. and watch the Rube.