The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 718 - Brigham Young - Part Four

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine great man Brigham Young. Part four of four SOURCES TOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH   Nutrafol - Use code: Dollop Square

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd, we'll be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport, and 26th, the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, we'll be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. You're listening to the dollop. This is an American History podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony,

read a story from American history to a giant boob. And Gerith Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be? be about. Is that true? Because... Oh, yeah, and it's not true. I know what it's going to be about.

So you lied? I did lie. I've lied. How do you feel about that? And why is your hand there? So your legs are crossed and your hand is through your crossed legs. I think for only me, it's upsetting because I think people looking straight at you. It's not as weird.

For me, don't patch yourself there. No, I'm not liking anything that's going on. You ever wonder what that would look like if I did that? I'm wondering how punchy you are. Don't hit yourself there. Get the baby powder. This is a family podcast. Do you hear this?

One, two, great. You're right. I should atone for the sin of lying about. I do know what the topic is going to be about. It's about Bring Him Young. And he's going to probably get fucking killed on this episode, and I'm going to be real excited. He doesn't get killed.

He's going to die. He's going to die because it's the last episode. But he doesn't get killed. I'm not pretending. gets killed. Which is sad because he should have gotten killed. They always should. The Mormons are great now.

And look, name a religion that's not just completely covering up massive amounts of child abuse. There's got to be one. Really? Yeah. Maybe the Quakers. There's got to be one or two. But like the Baptists.

Yeah, but you're talking about like American religions. Well, no, even like Israel has a huge fucking problem with this shit. Really? I thought they were true. It's got to be one. I think that the whole, I got to say, I was okay with the Dalai Lama until he made out with that kid. But then there's all this other stuff about the Dalai Lama too. Yeah, it's not.

It sounds good on paper, but then you're like, ah, it got weird. I read too much. I mean, the fact that you got to go out there and basically just like find a kid that's the new one, that's a weird one. It's not good. Like when you're like your new leader, I'm not saying that there's a great system. but that is really weird to like American Idol someone's house to be like, your kid's it. That's weird.

But I did. I used to love the Dalai Lama. Yeah. Then you grew up a little bit. Well, yeah. And you've also like, by the way, you know, there's saying the quiet part out loud and then there's tongue kissing a kid. Yeah.

Begging for it. It's not great. Let me give me your tongue. Anyway, February 14th, 1853. Valentine's. The Mormons broke ground on a new, large, temple in Salt Lake City. All right.

But construction would end up taking decades. Wow. They used the council house for ceremonies and rituals alongside government business. And in 1854, Brigham and Marianne moved into a new home, Beehive House. Beehive house? I don't, I guess I meant to look this up, but I don't know why they're so obsessed. They're so obsessed with bees. Well, I would think it would be maybe.

it depends on how much they know, but it's kind of like a workforce around one centralized leader, essentially. I can't imagine that's it. It's got to be some religious thing. Because of waffles. I bet if I put this in, nothing will come up. Why Mormons are some crazy AID?

Because you pollinate a bunch of different things. Why do Mormons like bees? They believe it symbolizes core. Oh, you're right. They believe it symbolizes core values, industry, cooperation, and building God's kingdom on Earth. So you're exactly correct. Go Mormon.

Because you get a lot of honeies. I generally thought it was so preposterous. It couldn't be true. But there it is. Okay. Well, that's even worse. Awesome. I mean, essentially, they've incorporated capitalism into their religion,

which is what Christians have done here. Anywho, so they name it be. The beehive house. Many of his wives moved next door in the lion house. As you better be lying when I come in because I'm looking to fuck. But don't, don't male, yeah, male lions have a whole, like. They all lines have a hole. But they have a, they have a whole bunch of ladies, right? So you have a, so that's what this is.

It's his lion house. By the way, though, if it's a male lion, I get it way more than bring them young. true he would in the lion house he would assemble the whole family for dinner each night

women would send letters asking to be sealed to him which he mostly ignored wow so really he's kind of he's hot he's a hot

well he's hot but also like you're now you're being raised in this cult so when you're born you're told like oh the highest achievement could be to get

with this guy yeah but he is Elvis he is Elvis yeah between 1848 and 1852, he did not marry. Whoa. He's like, this is a lot. Whoa.

I just realized you have to talk to the mall. Whoa. And then I realized you don't. But then he married five between 1852 and 1856, one of whom was his servant. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, moving up. That's fun. Two wives died, one after childbirth, but his household kept

expanding with all the babies being born. In 1858, he had 47 kids. Oh, shit. Holy fuck. And you got to remember, the rate of death back then was half. Yeah, right? I mean, he probably had way more. Yeah.

These are like Ben Laden's siblings numbers. Brigham had authority over the marriage and divorce of all Mormons. That's good. Just one. Dude. That makes sense. What a crazy fucking system. I mean, this is, like, I'm not even trying to, but this is what Trump is going for.

There's just no, nobody says that you're just like everything that cubs your way. Like, yeah, I'm also the general. Most polygamous unions needed his consent, Mormon men were instructed, quote, if you want a wife, you first ask Brigham, then the parents, and next the female. Oh, my God. What's the point of asking her? I don't know. What a crazy order?

Yeah, okay, go check with the parents. Yeah, okay. What about you? Fuck, no. What are you talking about? If a man abuses wife, Biggham's advice was to try and live together in peace. And if that doesn't work, then he'd consider granting a divorce. Wow.

It's already not in peace. So live with the abuser. It's already not there. Now, see if you can get it there. He was more likely to grant a divorce in cases of impotency or infertility. can't get it up who's dropping that

because it doesn't sound like a lady can come forward to him right it sounds like only dudes can so as a dude walking in and going it ain't it's not working well by the way I would imagine that mostly women would be the ones who would want out of this because are all of the men polygamists no I don't think so

I think that some of them can't aren't allowed to right yeah I would lie say that if I wanted to get a divorce bad enough. Or maybe because if she isn't having kids, then she's like, well, look, nothing's, that's got to be him. Yeah. Well, no, yeah, or I would be like, she's barren.

Yeah, because having kids is, it's good. Having kids is the point of marriage and what God wants. So if your partner can't do it, then you cut them loose. Right. He preached against divorce. It was possible if you could convince him of your case for a divorce, he charged $10. What a fucking little shit. What an absolute.

disgraceful little prick. He's got everything. He has it all. There's literally nothing he can't do in his little cult now. And then on top of that, he's like, yay, ten bucks. And that's like thousands. Ten bucks. Because God said too.

I'm going to go ahead and put it right down the old palm. Brigham in the church butted heads with U.S. officials sent to watch over them. In 1856, the two major parties started. to fall apart and out of the dust grew the Republican Party. That, by the way, that doesn't end well. This new political... It feels like it doesn't end at all.

This new political force linked slavery and polygamy as the, quote, twin relics of barbarism. Okay. They were coming for Utah, basically. Now, Southern Democrats didn't like it, but they also wanted to be associated with Mormons.

They did. Yes. Well, they're the slave guys. Right. The church, no longer had any allies in Congress. Okay. By the mid-1850s,

Brigham revived the practice of consecration. What was that one? It's similar to Tithing where saints would hand over property and valuables and the church would then look after their families. So he basically wants the members to give up their shit, and then he's like, now we're, now we got you. Now that you don't have anything, you're good to go. So getting one of the wagons out back.

There you are. quote church members signed deeds assigning their property to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Bring them young trustee in trust for the church Man What a fucking scam I was a cost $10 no it is the scammiest scam It is Scientology And it's amazing that he didn't even start it and another guy did

Yeah but he really got going Yeah he really did He consecrated 200,000 of his own property including his homes farmland and five gold watches. But he's giving it to himself. So it doesn't matter. He's like, look, I'm doing it. Five gold watches.

I'm giving up the gold watches. God damn it. You know what? I really, like, it really does make you wish that there was the reckoning, that there was that, like, there was a God and that God came down, and that he was just like, hey,

no. No. Oh, what? What? Oh, Lord. I've been waiting to give you these watches. What the, Fuck, are you talking about?

Here's all your watches. You are so off the path. Okay. Well, correct me, Lord. Oh, boy. First of all, lose the watches. You don't need any. Yes.

The wife's thing is nuts. Well, that I'm going to probably push back on a little. You were very clear when you came to me in one of my visions. What's with the bees shit? Well, I've always had an affinity for bees. I mean, everybody serves the leader. You know, you get to go out there and stick your Jimmy in as many holes as possible. Very problematic.

It's called pollinating. You know what? I'm just going to destroy the earth. No, wait. I'll do it in the hole. I'll do in the back hole. I'll do butt. What do you want?

First of all, I'm the Lord. I call it the porn hole. It'd be great if he came back and he was just like, I want all the wives. What? Yes. And give me watches too. Sounds pretty kick ass.

Pretty sweet. Okay, but the plan was for the church to build up this massive property portfolio, which would make it hard for the government to control them. In 1856, Brigham created a company called the Brigham Young Express and Caring Company. Lolita. The X-Y. It was a transport and freight service. Okay.

We're going to move all of the bullshit out of here and other places. They loaned migrants handcarriage. to pull their belongings over the Rocky Mountains as they were migrating to Salt Lake City. Hmm. Who were the migrants? Mormons. So he's charging Mormons to move to Zion?

Gotta make money. God damn it, dude. So Mormons borrowed money from the church to come to Utah, and then when they got there, they're expected to work and pay off their debt, which is called indentured servitude. Yep. Okay, dokey.

Wow. What a fucking... Yeah, he's really... He's been cooking for too long at this point. This is like, truly, this is when you're like, all right, we're done. We're cutting his throat. We've got to kill him. Brigham was also very wary of charity.

Quote... As the benefactor, I mean, that is shocking. Because if you give to charity, you're not given to the church. Yeah. He is a charity. Quote, no man or woman in Utah is deserving of food or clothing unless they work for it. Oh my God. It's so bad.

Look, I know you're not. wrote a sequel to the Bible, but you forgot the first version? God. Damn, man. It's fucking insane. The whole racket here is to profit off the Bible

or the religious teachings as much as possible while moving as far away from anything that Jesus is about Jesus in these books. The whole thing was he was just like, oh man, we got to help everyone. He's like, yeah, don't help him. They got to stay.

And I get the fuck them all. He hassled people about repaying their church debts. Hey, come on. Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Quote, I calculate to put the screws on to the men, sell their property.

And if you can't pay the debt, I will sell your wives and children as at auction. Oh, my fucking. Are you shitting me? This dude needs to be curbstop. So hard. I mean, he's just one guy. That's the thing, it's just one guy. I know.

Like, it just takes one day for one dude to be like, I'm just literally going to put a sword through him. But once you have the Amway thing in place, right, it's all filtering up. So all these top guys are rolling in it. He's the top. And he's the top guy. He's still. But everyone goes along with it because they're living large. I know, but you just need one guy to be like, I'm fucking, fuck this dude.

I fucking just lugged all my shit over the rocky goddamn mountains. And now I've got to work my ass off. to pay him back. Oh, fuck. So thousands of Mormons moved to Salt Lake City on this credit scheme, including many from England, and shitloads died on the journey. On one crossing of 600 people, 150 died from starvation. Because he's telling them it's easy to do.

And then they're getting on the journey. But you also got faith in the gas tank. You're also like, Lord, he's chosen me. Yeah. Some church members. I just watched 150 people. die. That was crazy.

In a good way? That'll be $10. Some church members thought Brigham had some responsibility because bringing people was his plan and he was pushing this handcart method. He said it wasn't his fault and actually it wasn't that bad. Quote, few comparatively have suffered severely, though some had their feet and hands more or less frosted. The mortality has been much less than a 10's. well-fitted animal trains traveling in good season. So he's basically like, it's cool.

He's making money. Yeah. He just doesn't. Tons too, right? Like people are literally fucking dying. And he's just like, yeah, it's, I'm rolling in it. This is fucking. Yeah.

This is like, disgusting. Next level. Yeah. And that's coming from America. Yes. And this is next level. He blamed his subordinates who were organizing the treks. In 1860, he closed the company and stopped promoting the hand cards.

Yeah, it got too much. How long until he's like investing in crypto? I mean, that went on for four years. It got like how many people died and it got too much. He realized like, this is going to blow back. Yeah. This is really going to blow back. Let's shut her down.

So in 1860, there's now 40,000 Mormons in Utah. It was 12,000 10 years before. Oh, fuck. The Native Americans are like, During this growth... How many kids can be named Lance? During this growth, Brigham worried that some saints

were committed enough and were being too sinful. Uh-huh. Which one would that be? You! He demanded repentance and re-baptism. He gave a sermon about all the sins, quote, ranging from adultery to

to dishonesty, to a failure to Tiff. You guys got to give up. Okay. I don't know how at times I got to say this. I know a lot of you guys, you spend a lot of money to get here and you owe me money. So a lot of people die. You got to give up the cash.

We got to have, my pockets aren't full right now. Why do you need cash? Because I talk to God. Are you giving him the cash? he takes a cut. Do you have five watches on? Yeah, and one on my ankle, six now. But look, I don't own them.

The church owns them. Then give them back to us. They were never yours to begin with. I had them made specially in the York and shipped out. Just seems really awesome for you. It's pretty good. But here's this thing, the better I'm living, the better you're doing. You know what I mean?

Speaking of doing, who is that? No, it's Ophelia, but leave her alone. Hey, Aphelia. Hi. Would you like some stability? We're good, dude. Please, fuck off. Do you have some stability?

I feel like if I say no, you're going to make me anyway. You ever seen a wagon rocking from the inside? Yeah, we took a wagon once. Yeah, let's get that thing rocking. No, we're good, sir. Please, we'll do everything you say. Sorry about that. You know what you should do?

What's your name? Bob. Bob. No. Bob, why don't you head to one of the settlements? I'm going to have Olivia stay here. But we're married. And I'm going to settle.

Just give him $10. All Lives are over. It's cool. Oh, he said some of the saints kept their, quote, brains below their waistbands. Dude. That is fucking, dude. I would like for some of you to join me in Projection Temple. I will explain what I'm doing and blame you for all of it.

This is the projection sermon. Here we are. Some saints' reluctance to engage in plural marriage was proved to Brigham of their lack of faith. Quote, if my wife had borne me all the children that she would ever bear, celestial law would teach me to take young women that would have children. I hate them. Also, they're more supple and firm. The young... The nuts, you bust is bigger.

Young perk titties. Right? By the way, I really have been fucking a lot. I've invented AIDS. Isn't that crazy? Mormon men did as commanded, but all the men trying to marry multiple women

in 1856 to 57 led to a lack of available ladies. Wow. You have, they've created a lady. your way through all of them. Lady shortage by marrying them. Oh. I'm genuinely scared of what this is going to turn into.

So the age at which girls could get married dropped. Two? Apostle Wilford Woodruff, quote, nearly all are trying to get wives until there is hardly a girl 14 years old in Utah, but what is married or just going to be? The legal age marriage in the U.S. was 12. Oh, my God.

But it was rare for such girls to be married. I mean, still, only in rare circumstances can you marry a 12-year-old. It's got to be an emergency. Like she's super hot or whatever. Or if you see them. You see it, whatever you want to do. You lay eyes on one. Here's my wife.

She's into making friendship bracelets. Brigham allowed a marriage to a 13-year-old but said to, quote, her intact until she is fully developed into womanhood. Cool guy. Well, that's not creepy and weird. Thank you. Oh, my God. I talk to God, and he doesn't want me to fuck her till he's done with his work.

Hello! He did refuse to marry a 73-year-old man to three girls who are age 12 to 13. That guy's fucking crazy. It's called morals. Hello. These are my wives. They were to young ones. I'm ready.

Oh, God, look at them. In 1857, Democratic President Buchanan was elected. His new secretary of the interior was inundated with letters from officials who had been to Utah, tried to impose laws, and then fled the state. One red quote, It is impossible for us to enforce the laws in this territory. Every man here holds his life at the will of Brigham Young. non-Mormans who questioned church authority

were, quote, murdered, robbed, castrated, and imprisoned. They like the original swifties. They threw on the castrated one there that I don't like. Shh, don't worry about it. I don't know why we're putting that word in there. Robbed, imprisoned, sure, murdered I get. Why? Don't cut a guy's balls off.

Take the ball. Yes. Yes. Steal the monkey's peach. He said the military should be sent in. the guy who wrote the letter. He's like, we need to invade you. There's no other way around this.

We need to kill them all. Literally. Some Dem supported this, quote. I believe that we can supersede the Negro mania over Kansas with the almost universal excitements of an anti-Mormon crusade. For the love of God.

So here's what he's saying. He's saying, they're fighting over slavery in Kansas, right? It's getting really fucking heated there. It's bloody Kansas. So if they start a war with the polygamous Mormon, then it will be a bigger deal than the slavery stuff.

It is such a good country. Listen to that. We can kill all the Mormons if we just fucking do it now and then we can get back to slavery. In May, the president ordered 2,500 troops to march on Utah and replace Brigham as governor. Let's go. Unlike Joseph, Brigham refused to sacrifice himself,

quote, to take care of number one where I thrown into the situation Joseph was, I would leave the people and go into the wilderness and let them do the best they could. Wow. I mean, just admitting it. Is he supposed to do that? That's amazing. He's like, look, if shit gets hot, I'm out.

He can't even be a fake hero? No. No. If they come, I will go to the woods. Good luck to you all. God bless. Yonder own. Wow.

But Joseph did that. that when they did get attacked. Remember he crossed the river? Yeah. Yeah, he was a real little baby. So they planned to delay the troops as long as possible, hoping they'd get caught in bad winter in the mountains.

Brigham's plan B was to evacuate and burn Salt Lake City to the ground. God, he just fucking, you've been looking for Zion for so long. He's totally set down. He's like, we're good. That's it. He really is.

He's like, it's over. And it's all just to get him. Yes, he's a very selfish fucking loser. In August, he sent scouts. out and told... I can't believe if there's a college named after this guy. Yeah. I made it go to that school. Yeah.

Oh. In August, he sent scouts out and told local bishops that Mormons were forbidden from selling produce to the Gentile army. Wow. Mormon settlers were told the U.S. government was planning a war of extermination and would hang Brigham and other principal leaders without a trial. Great. Great. I'm into it. I'm finally into it.

Yeah. So for my... Brigham and other leaders built up tensions and sermons. So rile the people up. Yeah, that's basically what they do now. Yeah. In September, a wagon train of migrants from Arkansas passed through Utah. And Mormon settlers said they seem strange.

These ones are fucking weird. Yeah, they're from Utah. I mean, from Arkansas. Yeah, they're strange. Brigham later claimed they had poisoned a creek and an ox. It's kind of a weird. Migrants camped at the mountain meadow. before crossing the desert,

and the local Mormons wrote to Brigham to ask if they should attack. He said no, but by this time, but by the time he said no, by the time I got the message, it was too late. Okay. They quote, butchered the women and most of the children.

They mercilessly shot, stabbed, and slashed the throats of immigrants who pled for their lives. They spared 17 children too young to provide credible reports about the crime. Local families then, took in the kids until the army returned them to Eastern relatives 18 months later. Oh, my God.

120 men, women, and children died. God damn it. Anybody else does that, but a bunch of white people, they fucking, we slaughtered them. Oh, my God. Slaughter them. Yeah. No. That was why, like.

Yeah. If the Native Americans are in that, we were saying, we were like, can you imagine? Everywhere else was like, yeah, you did. Although Brigham didn't directly order the massacre, historians now draw a line from his rhetoric and dehumanization of non-Mormons and building of suspicion and tension to violence at Mountain Meadows. They're all following through on his philosophy, his theology. The church, of course, tried to blame Native Americans.

They did it. Yeah, look at that, Brown! Wow, those savage fuckers. Brown! The last time. Brigham's lack of condemnation of the slaughter led some to believe that he may have condoned it Of course he did

A captain arrived in Salt Lake to suss out the Mormons And report back their intentions and capabilities Okay And Brigham tries to charm him Oh, we're up to very little friend Look at your uniform, it's great You guys are great I love the US

What you do is great Anyone likes a fresh butter? Yes Great He welcomes him into his home. He's showing off his orchard to introduce him to his family, which has got to take a while. Can you believe God picked me to do this? Let me introduce you to the family here.

You have three hours? We have Kathy, and that's Sheila. That's Joyce. That's Regina. That's Phyllis. That's another Kathy. That's Sarah. That's Fiona.

How many times do you think you forgot? That's Grace. One of their names. Oh, God. He's right. Or birthdays? Or his kids. Oh, my God.

Let me run you through the boys. Birthdays? Like, literally every day was probably an anniversary. Yeah. What'd you get us for anniversary? Sex? Yeah.

So the captain warned that the resistance would be an act of treason. He's like, by the way, this is bull. You guys can't do this. What do what? We didn't do nothing. But Brigham, not intimidated. On his last day there, the captain went to a Mormon.

service where Brigham gave a quote gave Uncle Sam considerable hellfire and when President Buchanan read the captain's report he concluded the Mormons were in armed rebellion against the state. All right. So put him down. They've got an army of babies.

So after the captain leaves, Brigham declares martial law. So he knows right away he's like this guy's going to bring back like yeah. It didn't go great. Quote, no person shall be allowed to pass or repass into or through or from this territory without a permit from the proper office. Jesus Christ. Mormon passports?

Just guys traveling through to California and not getting wrapped up in this shit. I don't think so. I'm just going to San Francisco. No, you ain't. San Francisco. What? Who's the woman? That's my wife, Kathy.

Our wife, Kathy. No, what? Yeah. Wait, what? My wife, Kathy. I'm not part of your deal. Okay, our wife, I'm going to California with my wife. Our wife.

She wants to stay here. Stop saying our wife. My wife. You got, go ahead. What? She's a guy. I don't care. Nice try.

Fuck. Yeah. Put her in the Kathy house. That's where you go. So six men were caught without a permit entering Utah. And the church decided there were army spies and forward. shot. Two.

We're like, you guys chill. At least four. We don't know what up the other ones. Hearing that the army was getting closer, Brigham sent Mormon raiders out to set fire to grasslands so the army couldn't graze their animals. And then raiders set fire to three army supply trains

destroying two months worth of food. Cool. Brigham, quote, pick off their guards and sentries and fire into their camps by night and pick off officers and as many men as possible by day. I cannot believe he scar facing. Like, this is supposed to be this.

This man of pure morality. That's how it started. This guy found plates in his fucking yard. And the whole thing was like, look, we've got a new message to spread. And now he's like, you will kill them. And you will. Shoot them and make sure the crops are gone. By the way, if they have any wives.

So here the army is less than two weeks away, but terrible weather then hits, killing thousands of horses and livestock. Oh, you knew, too. He was like, who you fuck him with. God, my boy. You wanted it. You got it. The army stops.

They had now have to wait for the snow to melt. And in November 1857, the new Utah governor, Alfred Cumming of Georgia, and other appointees arrived at Bridger, which is just inside Utah. And they formed a makeshift grand jury and indicted Brigham and other leaders for treason.

Okay. It's cook. So President Buchanan, quote, this is the first rebellion that has existed in our territories. In humanity itself requires that we should put it down in such a manner that it shall be the last. Well, sure. Didn't happen.

It kind of was. I don't remember that happening. So the Mormons and are totally isolated. Brigham's at real risk of being executed for treason. He's 56. Oh, God, damn. He had room. and chronic urological problems.

Can't piss. Can't pee. He's because he's got the catheter. Yeah. Old school catheter, which we've seen pictures of it, is not great. Looks nice. Might as well get fisted in your penis. Well, I mean, if who's offering, I guess is the question.

Brigham. Man, that fucking old catheter. One of the worst things I've ever seen. There you go. Now, careful. It's pretty rusty. The stress is getting to them. Most believed they really couldn't hold out for long once spring came.

Many wondered if they would undertake another exodus, maybe to Central America, Mexico, Russian Alaska even. Sure. But Brigham didn't think there was any point of moving. If the Saints occupied any desirable land, the U.S. would come for them again. He's probably not wrong. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I agree. You fucked up so bad that wherever you go, we're going to try to stomp you out. Brigham looked for places to hide along with his best friend forever, Heber Kimball, and some church leaders. In late February, one of the only non-Mormons

Brigham trusted, Thomas Kane, arrived on a peace mission. Okay. He told Brigham that the president was not as resolved as it seemed, so he might look a way for a way out, right? A way to solve the conflict. Now, Kane is a very smart negotiator.

And he told Brigham, the president wanted to issue an apology. He had no intent. He made that up. That's made up. And convinced Brigham to offer supplies so the starving soldiers could eat on the border.

He wants to say sorry, huh? If you could send sandwiches to those guys, he will be like, I'm so sorry about all that. Support for the dollop comes from square. The system powering, like half the places I go. So if you've ever tapped to pay and thought, well, oh, my God. If you've gone anywhere.

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Yes. It's exactly like Jesus. Jesus. So he sends a herd of cattle and 20,000 pounds of flour. Okay. And he announces attention to leave Utah and all Mormons should move south and torch the place of the army arrived. Man, if you're not already like on the outs with Mormonism at this point, you'd be like, wait, what? That burned out my house for you. Yeah, we got to go find another Zion. Let's do it all again. Tell you what, one of these days, we're going to find a forever Zion. And it would be fine.

A bunch of us died. It's no big deal. We'll do that again. So burn it all down. So many did actually leave. People are like, what the fuck? Where do they go? They probably just go to another city.

How about? We're going to be what's called normal. Brigham offered for governor coming to come and claim his office if he came of that an army escort. So he's like, you can come and be governor if you don't come rolling in with an army. Like, we'll let you be governor. So then that cane guy comes with coming and Brigham and the church elders, quote, sized up coming as a operative, corpulent alcoholic of limited intelligence, fortitude, and morals.

So he's a fucking drunk idiot. I tell you, I can't remember it because you guys can't keep living like this. Okay. So we got to figure something. out to make it to establish that you guys are going to be part of the part of the package when it comes to America's time. Okay.

Do you want a bottle of whiskey? I shouldn't have my business. Okay. That's nice. All right. So what were we talking about? I don't remember, but you said we're all going to hang here.

We should hang here. It'll be cool. Maybe get pizza. It'll be cool. And you say you're going to become a Mormon. Okay. I'm Mormon, okay. It'd be a good idea.

I think I'm going to die. Okay. All right. Okay. While Brigham was incredibly polite, he told the other leaders to be, quote, cold enough to freeze peaches. Peaches the dog? Yes. On April 25th, they invited him to address a Mormon congregation.

So they invite Cummings, who is dumb, law morals, to, yeah, to, to, talk and he offends them. One Mormon stood up and yelled, quote, those trips must be withdrawn before we can have any officers bombed upon us. And coming then admitted to Brigham, quote, I can do nothing here without your influence. You got this shit locked down, bro.

Smart to say that out loud. I figured it out finally. Smart to, so he knows how to negotiate. Yeah. Well, it seems like you've got a much larger upper hand than I do. So at April, Buchanan offers, quote, free and full pardon to Mormons who will submit themselves to the authority of the federal government.

100% take it. There's no reason to negotiate with them because they're never going to do that. Brigham reluctantly accepted. Of course he did. It's a good fucking deal. He accepted? Yeah, because they're else going to get crushed by the army. In June, the army marched through an empty Salt Lake City.

Ultimately, after all that, nothing changed. Right. Because why would it? Because unless you're actually subjugating them and making them. do stuff. Yeah. They're going to keep doing what they're doing. So wait, they were just like, you're not being Mormons right now, are you?

And everyone was like, no. No, not being Mormons. Promise? Yeah, we're not Mormoning at all. No Mormon. Are you married to her? Her? No, I'm not married to anybody.

No one, yeah, no. You guys swear to God you're not being Mormon? I don't even know those other ladies. Why is everyone so quiet? It feels like you're just pretending to not be Mormon. We're just watching. Watch what? You, just hanging out, watching.

You know, while I'm in town, I think I want to take four wives. Oh, no, that's so wrong. So bad. Bad boy stuff. All right, well, I think I'm going to get going. All right. Don't start being Mormon again. No, not going to Mormon at all, but I'm going to Mormon anywhere.

No Coke. All right. No coffee, none of that stuff. See later. All right. Bye-bye. All right. They've really learned a lesson.

Orgy time! Hey, wait. Hey! I mean food. Oh. All right. I'm far away. Um, so they still don't polygamy.

No non-Mormon officials are installed. Um, but it... So they were basically like, stop it. They said yes. And they're just going to be Mormon. Yeah. basically. In the early 1860s, Brigham turned 60, and

he's falling apart a little bit. So dentist pulled out a large number of decayed teeth and made him a set of false teeth. Brigham, quote, I could find no more girls who would choose me for a husband than can any of the young men. Oh, sorry. I could find more girls who would choose me for a husband than

can any of the young man. Because you're the leader with all the money. Because you're in charge of everything. Everything. I'm excited to me another. Oh, look at you. Aren't you, a cute little lady? Imagine the cachet it would be just to walk around and be like, yeah, I'm married to bring him young. Like you're fucking...

Yeah, that's right. She found a winner. His personal wealth is still growing. In 1859, he is worth 250,000, which is 10 million today. Just like God intended. A lot of it's in real estate. As trustee for the church, much of the church's properties in his name. Dude, how the fuck do they keep falling for the guy?

who has it all. I don't know what's out. Like the whole thing is that it's like, isn't the whole thing we're supposed to be like fair and balanced and shared? And yet every time there's some guy who's like, well, I need a jet. Otherwise, I can't get close to God. I got to be able to fly down alone. Brigham quote, God heaps property upon me and I am duty bound to take care of it.

No, yeah, take care of it then. That makes sense. God's like, this guy should have all the property because he does a good job. He's a good landlord. It's so great if God was really back. Dude, what the fuck are you doing, dude? I'm the biggest landlord. Yeah, I know.

That's not how this is supposed to go. Because are you? No, I know. You. Would you just pick one woman and be with her? Reacheth down and sayeth chief landlord. No, you fucking liar. Tell him what I'm actually saying.

Now I get all the stuff. Say what I'm actually saying. He wanted me to run all the McDonald's. No, I did not. This is great. No, it isn't. only I can hear him He loves it

He's saying I'm doing a really good job He's happy By the early 1860s Call me the new Jesus By the early 1860s He is managing farms A mills, a cotton factory In a lumberyard

Just like God wanted me to He's got about 200 employees How crazy is it? How much God likes me And doesn't care for you lot too much One employee was paid quote $1.75 per day during the busy time if he works longer and times not so busy but his wages to be less. He is to be paid in anything we have except cash or store pay is promising some better clothing. So he's just going to give him some clothes. No money.

Script and close. When a worker asked for a raise, Brigham yelled at him. How dare you. I get that. Take all of them. Take all of my rings off. I am going to backhand this man. Get every ring and my dangly bracelets and watch number one and watch number two and watch number three. And watch number four. It's been... It's been 18 minutes.

And watch number five. Hold on. Watch number six. And watch number seven. And my shoulder watch. And the watch I wear like a wrestling belt. He went to love. And my necklace that's also a watch. And my headband that's a watch. And my leg watches. Number leg watch number one. Leg match number two. Legwatch number three.

Hold on. Don't let him go anywhere. Legwatch number four. Legwatch number five. All right. And now let's move on to the neck out of us. He, uh, you took off a while again. Went to lunch. Well.

It's going to take you while to put all that stuff back on? No, no. I'll just do now watch number one. And watch number two, and watch a number three. And watch a number four. When Lincoln became president, Governor Cumming left Utah. The Mormons... By the way, that would be a much better name

for Brigham Young. Governor coming? 100%. The Mormons did not pick a... I'm Lieutenant Governor Lodes. We're the Smash Brothers. My people have finally built me the first God's eye only

smush room. The Mormons did not take a side in the Civil War. I don't want to get involved in this. Oh, I don't know. Seems a little dicey. Brigham quote. I wish the best of like to both sides.

Yeah. Bring him, quote, we are not by any means treasoners, secessionists, or abolitionists. We are neither Negro drivers nor Negro worshippers. Cool stuff.

New Negro worshippers. Yeah, like that's an option. That was literally not part of it. We all remember what the North was fighting for. We wish to worship them. He was happy to get rid of slavery because he thought it would get rid of black people. Oh my God.

I'm very glad that slavery is illegal. Well, thank you, Brigham. Now maybe it'll be all whites. And then while the war, you know, the U.S. doesn't pay attention to them. Yeah, right. In January 1862, they held a state convention, adopted a new constitution,

and nominated Brigham for governor again. Brigham, quote, we will ask Congress to admit us into the family of the states. What if they do not? We have got a government and what are they going to do about it? True.

And I guess if they weren't admitted in, they would become their own country. Yeah, which they basically are doing. Yeah. So they voted for him, and they announced the territory of Utah was now the state of Deseret. It's not how it works, by the way.

Much better name. Their application was then rejected, but they continued on as a ghost government. Ghost from it? And the U.S. sent more soldiers to U.S. Utah. In January 1863, Brigham was sealed to Amelia Folsom, a handsome magnetic 24-year-old. His first marriage is seven years. Get back on that horse. If you're feeling sad, if you're feeling lonely or weird, get married to a young lady.

I'm very excited to have your mind. How does it feel to get the catch of catches? quote, I never entered into the order of plurality of wives to gratify passion. No, no, no, no, no. I hate it. No, that was just one of the fortunate upsides to this situation. So this new marriage leads to gossip and speculation because he seemed to treat Amelia better than his other wives. She was his new favorite.

Sure. Brigham, quote, every old woman thinks she must go to every party and many of first wives think she should be a queen. and the rest of the wives serfs. But this, I do not believe it. So all he's saying, all the other lady is, like, fucking simmer the fuck down. Yeah. Every old woman thinks she must go to every, every party.

It's just crazy. This is such a piece of shit. They all think that they must go to parties and eat everything, and they just don't shut up. Once you hit 40, woman, you're done. These women are so annoying. That's what I love about my new bride. After the Civil War President Andrew Johnson did not care about Utah.

The state lost territory to Nevada and Colorado, and Brigham kept encouraging new settlements. He wanted to claim the most fertile areas before the Gentiles came and did. The fact that people already lived there didn't really bother him beyond the annoyance of having to move them along. He doesn't care about pre-established ownership of anything. He doesn't care about anything. He didn't care about anything.

Anything. That's my wife. I'm gonna fuck her. That's my land. It's mine. Yeah. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, the fact that he's charging Mormons to come with these hand carts and just die in droves.

You imagine like seeing 150 people die? Yeah. And then you get there like, oh, we finally. We have married. We are so hungry. That'll be $10. What? That'll be $10.

Plus, uh, that's my wife. Despite his motto that he, that it was cheaper to feed them than to fight them, neither the Mormons nor U.S. agents gave the Native Americans enough food. And the Native American population started to decline because they were starving. What's with them? They're so lazy. Gosh. Well, the Mormons and Native Americans hated the United States Army.

Brigham went to a council of Ute chiefs where the government offered 60 years of payments in return for them to leave their lands. The chiefs do not like this offer. No. do not trust the U.S. government, but I don't know why they respect Brigham Young. I mean, it's, you know, the enemy of your enemy is your friend. Yeah. He said the government and the Mormons would just take the land with or without a deal, and he's like, you're not going to get a better deal, so you might as well just sign on,

or you're going to get nothing. The Native American, what is the deal? The deal was 60 years of payments. Oh, that's with the Mormons. No, it's for the Native Americans. Right, right, yeah, right. Not from the Mormon. It's from the U.S.

Oh, okay. But he's saying, you're not going to- Take that. Yeah, right. And then all the chiefs signed, except for one. Sandpitch. Sandpitch reluctantly came around a week later. So Brigham hope the agreement would mean

they could just take the land without pushback or raids from Native Americans, but that's obviously crazy. He thinks that because they've signed a deal with the U.S., Now he gets to take the land. Yeah. He really is. He's a really piece of shit.

He's living in a nice little headspace right now. That's obviously crazy. They're not just going to, yeah. So Brigham would tell settlers, quote, Do not let them stay with you, but treat them as enemies. A Mormon militia killed more than a dozen men, women, and children in six TPs. Another tribe then started raiding Mormon settlements, and Brigham thought they were aided by the Utes. he had his militia kidnap chief sandpitch demanding to know where the raiders leader was and it ended

with several being killed and then sandpitch being killed this caused previously friendly and cooperative euths to go and turn on the Mormons and then there was a cycle of violence and reprisals and Brigham did acknowledge the Mormons live quote on their possessions and in their homes but Mormons deserve to be there because of God. Yeah, that's what you don't understand. You guys worship weird shit. God wants us all to be here. He loves Mormons.

Could you imagine someone taking homes and saying it was because of God? Nope. Many predicted that the arrival of the railroad would destroy the Mormons in Utah with an influx of non-Mormons. You don't want non-Mormons. So Brigham warned his people not to do. trade with non-Mormon traders, quote,

there are Jews here. They are not our friends. Do not trade with him. They do not believe in Jesus Christ. Oh my God. This mother, this fucking guy, dude. He's an all hater. Yeah, he is.

Really? Yeah. All hate. There is one God and bring him young's eyes. This is just such a crazy narcissist asshole. It's nuts. It's insane. Careful.

You know what the train's going to do. Bring Jews. You know what the trail is A bunch of Jews Bunch of Jews They only like one wife Nah, I don't like it But then he flips

On the whole railroad thing When he realized The church would make a fortune Hiring out Mormon laborers For cheap Sure He really loved capital Boy, did he like money

Many would Because of their faith Or they're just in debt So either one So Brigham negotiation a $2 million contract. A $2 million?

2 million to grade 150 miles of the Union Pacific line. And remember, the railroads are meeting in Utah. Yeah. And then other Mormon leaders signed a 4 million deal to grade a portion of the Central Pacific line. And that meant Mormon labor would bring the two lines together and have the meat. Yeah, it feels like the Mormons were running so many trains that the lines would eventually meet. So good for them. The railroad did bring a lot of dirty genteels.

And many of them were able to run successful businesses. So they're getting businesses up and running. So Brigham's like, all right. And he created the Zion's cooperative mercantile institution. The ZCMI. What the fuck is that? So it would buy goods in bulk from the east and then bring them in so Mormon merchants could sell at lower costs undermining the non-Mormons businesses. Wow. So Ubering. Yeah. So merchants taking part displayed a ZCMI sign in their storefront. Oh my God. Yeah. It was either an all seeing eye

and it was an all seeing eye and the phrase holiness to the Lord. Wow. Wow. Well, I love everything you have. Are you the Lord's chosen store? Somewhat surprisingly, Utah held an election and overwhelmingly voted for black suffrage. That's just, that comes out of left field for me. I don't know what just happened.

No. What? No, they can't vote. No, no, no, no, no, no. What the fuck are you doing? No, no, no, no, no. And they were the second state after Wyoming to give women the vote in 1870. Wow.

That blows my mind. Like now I don't know what's going on. That's nuts. It became clear the Grant administration were less willing to leave Utah alone. The vice president visited Salt Lake and demanded the Mormons obey the anti-bigamy act. Now. Also, it's too late. That ship fucking sailed.

But it is illegal now. It's illegal, but so you fake it, right? You just marry one and then the other ones are fake lives. Yeah. President Grant, appointed ex-congresman and Civil War veteran James McKean as territorial chief justice. And he went on an anti-Plygamy rampage. An apostle described him as Mormonism's most relenting, preserving, persevering, and active enemy.

And he was going after Brigham. So McKean formed a non-Morman grand jury. And on October 2nd, 70-year-old Brigham Young and other church... 70-year-olds. 70 years old. And other church leaders were arrested for bigamy. And thousands crowded outside the courtroom when he appeared and posted a $5,000 bail. Wow.

Justice McKean rejected a motion to quash the charges saying, quote, A system is on trial in the person of Brigham Young. While out on bail, Brigham heard he would then be arrested for murder. So he hid in an elder's mansion out of town with, quote, a sufficient, number of brethren to protect him from assassination. He learned from Joseph Smith. Yeah, he did. But in January of 1872, so I'm not sure what year that was.

So it's a while later. It's two years later. He was arrested again, but placed under house arrest. It's where all his wives are, you idiots? What he's doing? Oh, darn. What if while I'm arrested, I just keep having sex? How did you do house arrest back then?

You swear to God? Yeah, yeah. This is before the anklet. You're not going to do anything? No. However, another case in the Supreme Court, which overturned a ruling against Mormons, put a halt to the prosecution. And Brigham's off the hook. During this time, despite poor health, sometimes he couldn't walk.

He's in very bad health. I can fuck. He's still married tons of young ladies. I'm ready to fight. Let's go. You can't walk, Brigham. Have you ever had a man? fall apart in front of you.

Put a rubber band around its base. It'll lift. It'll lift. This is all about blood control. Trust me. I don't want to be here. Come on. What about this isn't hot?

Everything. Okay. You ever seen a man made of elbows? Oh. There you go. now that we got it running take the rubber band off Oh, chitty chitty bang bang

We got another ride left in the old car There we go I need you to shut the fuck up Why? In 1867 Mary Van Cott And Anne Webb both 23 In 1869 Elizabeth Jones Who owned a bunch of property in Provo

Where he wanted to build factories In 1870 Elizabeth Farnsworth 72 poet Hannah Tappfield In addition to his main residence He bought a few Salt Lake City homes For his wives And eventually bought additional houses In Provo Logan at St. George

Man I think the key to Mormonism And many religions Is shut out reality But if you hear this And you're like, yeah, I'm hanging in there With this one I mean this fucking

How what the fuck? Yeah he spent more time with a select group of trusted male church leaders than with any of his wives. This included some of his sons. He definitely can't shoot anymore. No. Because otherwise he's definitely, he's like, it's boy time. Yeah, he can't do it anymore.

Joseph Engel, Brigham Jr., who was known as Briggy, and John Willard. In 1873, Young formalized this inner circle of advisors making John Willard and Briggie assistant counselors. Brigham was succession planning, promoting John, although many of the other church leaders wanted Biggie to take over. Brigie, Briggie, sorry. Briggie, Briggie, Briggie, can't you see? Anne Elizabeth Webb Young sued Brigham for divorce in federal court. What? I know I made...

Why? I can lay on you. I love whatever her name is. Can we just look at each other until I'm gone? My heart's broken. She alleged emotional, physical, and financial neglect. Other than that. And wanted $1,000 in monthly alimani and $20,000 illegal fees.

I don't have it. I have nothing. I'm broke. She also wanted $200,000 from his future estate. In response, the church president argued that since his marriage to An Eliza had no legal basis, He owed her nothing. Wait, what? Because he's only married.

Yeah, he's married once. In the church. No, he's married in the eyes of the church, not legally married. Oh. So now they're like, yeah. Your laws and God's laws. So she heads out and hits the road and starts sharing her horror stories of being a Mormon wife. Oh, boy.

Quote, the things which I suffered opened my eyes to the hollowness of Brigham Young pretensions to sanctity of character and unveiled the system of which he was head and I was one of many victims. And she becomes an overnight celebrity and in 1875 wrote and published a book called Wife Number 19. So the case goes to trial in April 1877 and the judge accepted. his argument that the marriage was illegal and dismissed her suit. Quote, the fact that Young won the case on the basis of the marriage's illegality, however,

argued poorly for the future of Mormon polygamy. Yeah, he is sacrificing the future, like... It doesn't matter anymore because he can't... He's too old. Yeah. So now cut it all loose, so he doesn't lose a little bit of cash. I mean, essentially, he could afford that. That's how he's operated the whole time, but now, like, the cat's out of the bed.

Yeah. A grand jury indicted several Mormons for murder for the mountain massacre, which was 16 years before. Only one man went to trial, though. John Lee, in his closing remarks, the prosecutor declared that Brigham forced the community to be silent about the massacre. Quote, in no other community on God's earth could this heinous crime be allowed to slumber for 18 years. So the first trial is a hung jury, but then Lee is convicted in a second trial. And he sentenced to death. And as he was sentenced, the judge said, quote,

The massacre seems to have been the result of a vast conspiracy extending from Salt Lake City to the bloody field. The Mormon elders presented a persistent and determined opposition to an investigation of the massacre. So Lee chose to die by firing squad in March 1877. In a biography... What are the other options? Hanging? Hang. I'm sure there's, you know, hanging.

I'd love to be watching. Stick to the eye. Drowning. Bat to the head. Burning. Axe it off. We keep tossing you until you stop living. We got a bunch of ways you could die.

We roll you down the hill a bunch. You can do a hill debt. We can pelt you with rocks. Toss you in the lake. Hit you with rocks. shove stuff up your butt till it comes out your malt. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Beat you with shoes.

Go, what's the shove stuff up the, I like that. We do it, yeah, it's basically, yeah, we just jam it up till it pops out of you. It's called pushing up the daisies. Nobody's taking it. We'd love to try it. We don't want to try that forever. We don't want to try that. We never even thought someone would want to get walked through that one.

We don't give a choice. We just do that. No, no, it's America. Hey, buddy. We're running out of stuff to shove up this guy. Bowling ball, yeah. There you go. I mean, so he gets sentenced to death, and the judge said, quote,

the massacre seems to have been the result of a vast conspiracy extending from Salt Lake City to the bloody field. I already did that. In a biography published after his death to cover legal fees, Lee wrote, quote, The Mountain Massacre was the result of the direct teachings of Brigham Young. and it was done by the orders of those high in authority in the Mormon community. So I'm assuming that they just hung them out to dry. Yeah.

And they, like, didn't come to help him. So they just did a mic drop. Yeah, total mic drop. Brigham never charged and just keeps doing his stuff. He's focused on building sediments and temples. He opened Brigham Young Academy, which still exists today as Brigham Young University. In 1877, more than 1,000 Mormons gathered to do. dedicate a new temple the first they'd completed since leaving Navu.

So it's, I remember that was like, it was 50, 40 something. More than a thousand Mormons gathered and Brigham spoke. He needed to help. He didn't help to walk due to his age, and he declared they could finally practice their religion properly, engaging in all the sacred rituals. I can still get it. I can get it. I can get it.

I can get it. I can get it. Get my rubber band. He lamented that many Mormons were too obsessed with money. I think this fucking piece of shit. Some of you're just a big crazy, money. It's not all about money. Oh, you care about it.

Can I get money? What are you doing? Good God. What a piece of shit. Quote, We're damn fools. You will go to hell's lots of you unless you repent. he's so talking about himself.

That's very Trumpy too. Yeah, he is so talking about himself at this point. In August 1877, after returning to Salt Lake City, he fell ill with cramps vomiting and diarrhea. His appendix burst two days later. So great, he vomited and shit himself at least two days. That's something. He died a few days later on August 29th, age 76. God damn it, dude.

They never die early. Now they live like, they live the best lives. Yeah. They just, they, they. Yeah. Total piece of shit got everything you wanted. It's always the way.

I'm trying to think when was the last time a huge piece of shit went early? They just last forever. They do. He had married 56 wives and had 57 children. God damn. I thought the kids would be more. But again, a lot were probably dying.

Yeah. There's a good chance that everyone listening to this, related to Brigham Young. Charlotte George did the research. Main source, John Turner, Brigham Young, Pioneer Prophet. Another source, M.R. Warner, Brigham Young, and then Stephen Hardy led her to his family,

1862, on arriving in Salt Lake City. It's crazy that it still exists. I mean, it's crazy that it survived the Book of Mormon. Well, it's just like... When I went to see the Book of Mormon, the musical, they had advertisements for Mormon at the event. Amazing.

So they probably bought, you know. Amazing. But how it survives this shit. Well, it's just like Scientology. Yeah. It's money and power. And once they get it, then they just, you know. But he even makes David Miscavage look like conservative.

I mean, this is crazy. This is nuts. It's just, it's not even an Amway thing. It's just one guy getting rich. Yeah. And just everyone else falling in line. And they all are like, yay. By the way, if you go through that for that long, you do start to, like, I think that's what happens to the preachers who, they start to think that it is God who chose them because they're thriving in this. They have to think that they're somewhat special. Yeah. So they start to really like act like it. So it's kind of self-fulfilling in a way. But what an absolute piece of crap. Yeah, it's crazy. And a university. I mean, yeah, but everything.

I mean, so much shit named after him. Yeah, it's really fucking wild. It's just... I mean, and Salt Lake City has carved itself into being a more normal town, but there was, like, even in my lifetime, it was, like, weird. Yeah, not long ago.

Yeah. Like, they finally were like, all right, we gotta just... Well, that's where people would flee when they left there. You know, there's a lot of people in those fucking compounds and shit, and then they kick dudes out

and, like, or you escape, or you just leave your Mormon, like, super. strict family, and then you go to the city, right? Yeah. And so it becomes a bastion of people who are like, I'm not really into it. But like you said, as far as driving through a state,

you can't beat Utah. It's gorgeous. Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, I'll tell you what. That's... His religion has led us so much suffering for young women. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also kids who were molested like crazy. Well, yeah, so let's leave it on a high note. Oh, hello there, dollheads. It's Gareth Reynolds. I want you to join the Gare Force and come and see me do stand up on the road.

I will be in Spokane, Washington, February 4th. I will be in Bend, Oregon, February 5th, Portland, the 6th, and the 7th. Then I will be in Bakersfield, California, February 27th for two shows. And then, oh boy, April, here we go. April 19th, I'll be in Albuquerque, Tulsa on April 21st, Oklahoma. City, April 22nd, Dallas, April 23rd. Going to try to see a viral chiropractor that day, but that's neither here nor there. I'll be in Tyler, Texas, April 24th.

I didn't even know that. I'll be in Houston, April 25th for two shows. I'll be in Austin at Cap City on the 26th. And then the 28th, I will be rounding it out in San Antonio at LOL. Oh, my gosh, and I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. That's rounding it out. Go to garethrenalds.com for tickets and information. Also prizes.

We're giving away a bunch of trucks and stuff over there. If you just log on and legally, that's not binding. But go to garethrennels.com. Love you.