The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 732 - William Seabrook

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine writer William SeabrookSOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHHIMSSQUARESPACE - Use OFFER CODE: DOLLOP to save 10%See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. As domain, it's mine. My father's dead. You killed him. They think that I'm shiny. I am a pie man. I'm Pete Rose, and I only go to Gold's Gym, this one specifically.

Rumors that his penis is broke. And show up where the Taco Bar was. His brain just fucking exploded. River of Tiber. Cheese. You've been drinking any gnome juice? No, officer. My dad had a fart chair. Hey, cover me. You're listening to the Dalip on the All Things Comedy Network.

This is an American history podcast for each week. I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a goober. Karen Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. You killed your semen. I don't care for your terminology. You made a damn. I've had some stuff removed in the tubes And now

There will be no more me's What comes out? I could not imagine anyone supporting the fact That there will be no more me's more than you Now what comes out is essentially A death sauce I don't care to look at it like that I call it

Ball Aoli No you don't No I do Let's not Use it in a sentence I like the sandwich. Could have done without the Baleioli. Why would you have

Bollyolioli all your sandwich? What are you planning on doing with this now that you've had your snipper snipped? I'm going to open an Ike's. You can now... No, I don't really know... Listen, as far as I know, I have three months until I fully

know, so I could probably still... There could be swimmers. There could be a couple swimmers. We got a couple of Phelps left in the bag, see what happens. Well, that's why you have your home lab with all your microsk Yeah, and they're loaded. What does that mean? They're loaded.

I feel like that's not the right wording. The level, what do you call the slides? Is that what you put under a microscope? Yeah, I'm making tons of slides. Okay, maybe. I would have waited a little while after the... You got to wait a week. And you said there was smoke coming off your area?

Two, yeah. Yeah, well, there's, yeah, it's like there's a new pope. Has the smoke stopped? Nope. How was I supposed to? But I am doing a lot of mask impressions, so I'm doing the gym carry like, Smoking. Okay.

Yeah. That's good. Yeah. But no, it hasn't stopped. I love it, though. Yeah. It's great down there. I haven't had a look at it yet.

Got the testicles were dry shaved by a man named Edward. Oh, Eddie. I know him. Eddie was down there, lifted the hood up. And then we went to town to tape your penis to your body. Sure. That's so they can get at the balls. Yeah, that's what he said.

I tape mine up. You should, yeah, you should be ready to go. But yeah, it's over. That's it. That's it. No more babies. None, not even no more. There's not any.

We're going to cut that off at 12. There's none. That you know of. There'll be none. You must be sad, though. I don't care. February 22nd, 1884, year of our Lord. J-Town

Who fucking rips by the way Absolutely rips Bro Rips It's okay I admit it At this point

Like you get it You know what's going on I'd rather get into the story He Rips Yeah So whatever William Seabro

You don't even know By the way Oh I know William Seabrook Was born in Westminster Massachusetts To William L. Seabrook a lawyer and Mira who was a rich girl okay she was born from a prominent

Pennsylvania family William's paternal grandfather was a powerful local lawyer Republican and friend of Abraham Lincoln so fancy family sure young William loved adventure at six he ran away from home to become a pirate Wow. That is a that's good for six. He didn't go very far. He didn't make it. You ever run away from home? Yeah. Nobody noticed. Then I came back.

That's exactly what happened to me. I remember one time I wrote my mother a goodbye letter and I hit in the closet and I was in the closet for two hours. And then I finally came out and I was like, have you seen my letter? And she was like, no. And I was like, you almost lost me back there. I was gone for like eight hours. Yeah. Well, when I was in high school, I legitimately left home a lot. You know, I think I was, I think I was 12 when I ran away. But I really expected someone to look. But, you know, that's very our generation.

Well, it was really more, yeah, it was more about just they'll feel bad. Yeah, well, yeah, they'll feel bad. Yeah. But Gen X, they didn't care. We were raised and they were like, oh, you ran away for two days. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You used to just, yeah. Gone. You just go away. pretty cool so that obviously didn't work out it came back at 8 his dad suddenly decided to become a minister

and entered a Lutheran seminary he took William's mom and brother with him but left behind William with his grandparents that's a good feeling that's just a good he wanted to be a pirate huh there you go at 8

his dad leaves William behind with his grandparents. Now, William would later say his dad had a mediocre mind and took his family into poverty to become a minister of a, quote, silly mythology. I would guess the father did some fucked up shit. Yeah, I think you're right. To just all of a sudden be like, we've got to go to church. Yeah, I think you're right. He was really pissed at his mom, who, after having his younger brother and sister, went from being a slender laughing girl mother to a stout bossy always dissatisfied minister's wife.

But he was left behind. I know, but he's still mad at his mom. Okay, because she's not a girl mom. Yeah, because she had three kids and didn't have the same body, basically is what it sounds like. Is that really what he means? I thought that meant that she sounded more like a brood. No, she went from a slender laughing girl mother

to a stout bossy. Yeah, but the attitude in there is what I picked up. Yeah, but I think it's both. Bossy versus laughing, right? I think it's both. But also, like, you have three kids. his fun anymore. You tell them to shut the fuck up.

Oh, you had one and you became a pain in the ass. You got a cat and you did. Yeah, well, I'm not having any kids because the fun's going to stay here. I got rewired down yonder. All this, all your... I let a doctor into my testicles. All your sperm is not going to die inside of you. Good. I don't want it around.

You're like a death kid. Let me tell you, I, listen, I spent the first half of my life being controlled by those little guys. Now I'm in charge. The only adult in his life that he actually liked was his grandmother, Piny. Piney. Piney was said to have visions and powers since childhood. Fucking let's go, Piney.

I think that's how it works. I would definitely hang out with Piney. As a teen, she had been married off to a much older man who brought her to West Minister, and there she lives an unhappy life amongst the bourgeoisie. Okay. She became addicted to opium and hit a magic for you. Hit a bottle of laudanum in the crook of a tree in the backyard. Oh, God.

I love a tree bar. The heroin tree is awesome. That's like, I mean, that is perfect to just go to a magic tree for your opium. Hell yeah. It's the best way to do heroin. It's just like, there used to be elves in here. I'll be going out to the tree. Yeah, grandma's at the tree again.

What is she doing out there? She's sleeping on it. Grandma's nodding off in front of her heroin bush again. William thought Piny saw him as a kindred spirit. But she was just on. heroin. She's not heroin. You know,

when she looks in my eyes the way no one ever has before. Quote, another little soul, which like herself found normal, ordinary life unbearable. That's a weird.

That's a weird thing that I was a kid. Dark from a kid. Yeah. When your best friend's a heroin addict. Yeah, it's not an old heroin addict. Goes to her junk tree.

Man, I'm really not going to be. able to shake the fact that you could probably just put a little liquor cabinet in a tree. Yeah, fuck yeah, you could. Just go out there, like, I may go out of the trees. Open your little tree.

They often would take walks together in the woods. He said one day, the woods became strange. In a clearing, the trees were not trees. She gave marijuana. But the legs of, quote, beautiful, bright plumaged roosters,

which were as tall as houses. She gave them lardium. She gave them london. She absolutely gave them Loddnum. 100%. Yes. Yeah. Awesome.

Rower the trees. Yeah. You like that reds, you're off the house, you're a little. Cockadeau, a pony. I was wondering around.

Yes, yes, yeah. The tree's all the tree to be. Another time, they were on a hill with a rock tower on top.

And William went into the tower and found a woman on a throne. Hello. Hi. You're on heroin. I'm the tower lady at Westminster, Massachusetts. This will be a friendlies one day. She was wearing, quote, green robes, golden clogs, and had red gold-braided hair. She had metal circlets around her wrists, ankles, and waist, which were joined by chains.

Jesus Quote I went forward alone to sit by the leather foot stool and put my arms around the lady's knees

Hell yeah She led my hands down the soft silk folds To her chained feet And pressed them tightly There until my own hands held And drew the tains tighter I was trembling with happiness

What the fuck Oh yeah By the way You could have just Like Your dad leaving you behind That's never been better abandonment I mean

I mean, what do you do with a lady in a tower on a hill? I mean, look, I'll be honest, he's a kid. Yeah. But everything you've said so far was pretty erotic. Yes, it was. If I went into that room and she was like, lower. Are we going to do something else? Yeah.

No, just touch my feet. Get me out of the chains. Through his child, he was obsessed with the girl in chains. He spent hours looking at art and mythology books in the library, fantasizing over pictures of Venus hanging by her wrist from a tree. Hmm. Hmm. He sent away for an ivory soap calendar of Queen Zinobia

because she, he heard she was pictured in chains. Oh, this is going to get strange. Yeah, fuck yeah. What do you mean? Yeah, he's lazy. I don't know, I'm a little nervous. What? It's fine.

He went to Roanoke College and got a degree in philosophy and then an MA from Newberry College. And he got a job as a reporter at the Augusta Chronicle, but he's not feeling it. He wanted to travel. Sure. So he goes to Europe and he ends up studying philosophy in Geneva. And one day he's in a park and he sees a really well-dressed fashionable couple.

He dug the man's hip, pointy beard and velvet-collared coat and the woman's slender ankles in golden hair. Sure. And he watches he got into the car and he loved the guy's car. Okay. And soon he was heading back to the U.S. to pursue that fancy life. He just wants to be rich? Yeah, with a hot lady. Okay, sure.

I like how he was like, wait a minute. And he gets married to Kate Edmondson, who was Katie, who was the daughter of a Coca-Cola executive. Okay. And then he founded an ad agency and joined the Rotary Club. It's different. He's becoming a businessman. Sure. It's a little different than what he first saw, but okay.

But something's off still. Yeah. That has changed. Well, during a workday, he calls Katie and one of his friends, Ed. And he says, meet me at a park. And then he makes them pose trying to recapture what he had felt at the park in Geneva when he saw the couple. Quote. This is very strange.

No, it's normal. You never done this? Nope. Quote, I kept saying to myself, I'm Ed there. I've got all that as Ed has. All that belongs to me and I can keep it all my life if I want to. What's he talking about? He's trying to convince himself that this is the life he wants.

Oh, okay. By having us wife walk around with another dude and going like, okay, this is what I felt. He's like watching how he looks kind of. He's trying to recreate the Geneva thing and going, okay, I got what I wanted. But why doesn't it feel? doesn't it feel yeah now world war one had started so he joins up as an ambulance driver great that i didn't realize you could just do that he's 31 yeah any they take anybody in world war one yeah but to just be an ambulance driver i'll pick up the ones i don't know if he signed

up for that but that's what you got uh 31 so he's older than most soldiers sure in france he picked up the wounded and drove them to a field hospital okay german shells would fall all around him. He'd go days without sleep, and he saw just horrifying injuries and deaths. Once, he forgot to take a wounded soldier off his ambulance before he fell asleep in his tent. Oh, my God. That'll happen. So that guy was like, hey! It's like when you get in your car and you forget your purses on top.

Or like your groceries. Your groceries? Except it's a guy. Except it's a guy who's dying. Hello? Yeah. Hello. Yeah, there's, yeah, that's a difference.

Hey! It's a man. Hey. These groceries are loud. Hey. Hey. So hard to sleep. Don't go to sleep.

I can sleep there anything now because it's a war. I'm still in here. Oh my God. Shut up. Try to sleep. So you know I'm in here? I don't even know what that means. I think that's in my head.

I'm dying now. Okay. What you mean okay? I don't know. I'm just trying to sleep, bro. I don't know who you are. I don't know if you were supposed to drive to the hospital. I don't even know what that means.

You're an ambulance driver. Yes. I'm still here. Get night. No. Let's catch some shut. The best thing for you right now is a little sleep. I think it's the opposite.

Yeah. And you need to shut your fucking eyes. I should probably try to stay awake as long as possible. Go to sleep. Oh, no. Best sleep of your life. Oh. Longest, best sleep of your life.

Oh. All right. Good night. I'm still alive. Shit. Fuck. I just started thinking a little bit. Okay.

Stop doing that. Okay. You're just going to come get me? No. Why would you say no? I'm just laying down. I'm laying down too. Okay.

Well, then we're fine. Oh, God. We're totally fine. I'm going to take you back out there is what I'm going to do. Let me take you back out to the battlefield if you keep it up. A lot of complaining. Oh, no. Oh.

Oh. Oh, yeah. No. All right. What are you doing? I'm going to keep myself up. What? Yeah.

I don't want to be here anymore. Come get me. I want a German shell to kill me. Come get me, big boy. Oh. So the guy dies. The guy dies on the car. No, I'm killing him now because it's going on for a long time, so I'm stopping it.

What are you doing? I need more gauze. No, you don't. Yeah. I got a new wound. So the guy died while he slept. But not for a while. William told as a commander and doctor, but they said the man died in root and did just forget about it.

Wow. What else are they going to do? I mean, I guess. So William starts writing a war diary, and the Atlantic Monthly agreed to publish it. Okay. And so he's thrilled. It's his first big break, right? Sure.

But the field service decided to publish. Did he want to be a writer? Yeah. Oh, okay. But the field service decided to publish it. as a booklet to raise funds. Okay, so now that is good. And now Williams live it,

because that's not a big break. Right. Now, in 1916s, he was off-duty, he was playing cards with some guys in a cow shed. In a cow shed? Yeah, where are you going to do it? Casino. And they were hit by a chlorine gas attack.

Oh, my God. Better than mustard gas. Is it? Yeah, I think so. Really, but they really punch. launched up the mustard gas name. I think chlorine just affects your lungs, but mustard, I think, affects your lungs and your skin.

Why do they call it mustard gas? Because it's yellow? Maybe. I don't know why they call it mustard gas. That might be why. It really should have. Mustard gas, I just, I recall it's the worst one. But now someone's going to be like, I read all of the military World War I,

looks and now you're wrong. All right, leave this person. This person just knows some stuff. Now you get mad at this person that has not come out of the woodwork yet. He will. I've got like how it's he He said the chlorine gas I have PTSD He said the chlorine gas attack

Was a quote Dola's catching influenza But he gets sent home That's cool He called the war quote The only adventure I've ever had That was not disappointing Oh wow

That's a weird too That's weird that is a red flag too He likes chains And he likes women being bound And war And he likes the almost going I mean not just war It's like one of the worst

battlefield war experiences ever. Yeah. He likes that excitement. Yeah. He likes danger. His father-in-law bought them a farm outside of Atlanta and William focused on his writing. He wrote short stories, war sketches, essays, outlines for novels. But he spent most of his time drinking with the caretaker. Hell yeah. And he thought more and more about the girl in chains. I don't like that. Hell yeah. I don't like that she keeps coming up. Don't kinkshame. I'm not kinkshaming. I love a fishnet on. At a neighbor's mansion. This is Christ.

That was the craziest thing anyone's ever said. At a neighbor's mansion, he was there and he fixates on a Corinthian pillar in the house. I got a Corinthian pillar for you. And imagined how a woman would look chained to it. These are normal thoughts where you see a pillar. Now again, that's that kick, because if you have a willing participant,

but I just don't like that he's, it's very normal. It feels like a man back then will go take that. Very normal. On a trip to New York, he went to the studio of a famous puppeteer.

As you do when you're... Back then. This was normal. Back then, puppeteers are just like, good, I'm swimming in it. And he met a young woman who was there, who was also a puppeteer. Okay.

In writings, he would call her Deborah Loris. We don't know a real name. Okay. She may have been one of the mistresses of occultist Alistair Crowley, who was part of the Greenwich Village seat. Right. So William was really into Deborah's blunt sexuality and her, quote, broad animal face. That's why I like you.

What? I like your broad animal face. Thank you. What does that mean? I don't know. After he wrote and asked if she'd be up for doing some kink with him. Hey, straight forward. She wrote, quote.

I mean, at that time, it's not really a thing. So he's basically like, hey, can I chain you up? Yeah, can we do weird stuff? She wrote, quote, sure, why not? Come on up. But why be so Solomon self-conscious about it? It might be fun. She said that.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Great. Yeah, great. All good. Love it. William goes and tells his wife. Interesting.

Oh, honey, I forgot to tell you, that puppeteer lady is going to let me tie her up and be all sort of kinky with her. Oh, okay. This is great bread. Cool, thank you. Yeah. So I'm probably going to go up there and put her in a bunch of chains and stuff like that. Who knows? Bang the shit out of her.

Wow. Okay. I swear. I'm just chasing that woman in that weird tower. Made of Rock that day that my grandma gave me heroin. Okay. So she seems really down to clown, and I'm excited for that. Uh-huh.

Not going to be a big square like you. Okay. Only thing you'll let me do is move your legs to the side a little bit. This lady's really going to let me have a time. It's going to be great. Okay. I'll probably try to wrap a bunch of chains around the dog. Okay.

No, I don't need to hear more. Thanks. It's going to sound like Marley's coming to visit. Ebenezer. They just not told me. I mean, that's one. That was an option. Chain shaking.

Oh, my pants are getting to tight. Just thinking about it. Well, I probably shouldn't eat too much. I don't want to cramp up during the chain fuck. Okay. All right. All right. Clean up the dishes.

No. Well, they basically had a platonic relationship at this point. So Katie was okay with it. Cool. There you go. So he bought locks and chains. at Hamaker Schlemmer and took a train. I guarantee you that guy was like,

what do you got going on? I'm going to chain up a lady. Oh, yeah, that's over at our lady chain up section. Where are your lady locks? Well, don't keep a lady really tied to a pole. Yeah. She's like, I wanted to be able to get out, but barely. So he spends a week in New York and he barely leaves Deborah's apartment.

So soon after the day, he gets a job as a reporter for William Randolph-Hurst Empire, and he and Katie moved to New York. Okay. Now, she opens a coffee shop, and that becomes very popular with village artists and writers. While William is becoming more and more insecure about his writing. And he's introducing himself as a short story writer, even though he just sold one short story. Okay. He became ridiculously eccentric.

he would walk around the village in Camwa gloves with a walking stick. Camwa? Camwa. What's that? It's that material. Like now I think, the only thing I know that's used for is like to wipe off cars is like when you're cleaning a car, you get like Camwa. Okay.

Camwa gloves with what? A walking stick. Nice. Always strange. Yeah, the walking stick guy in New York is a weirdo. Yeah. So it's a gateway to a bird. You're not.

on the door of having a bird. They will cold call bird cells or cold call you at that point. And, sir, do you have a cane? I do. All right. Are you interested in some birds or a bird? I am. Absolutely. We've got some of the best shoulder birds in town.

Oh, my goodness. That's perfect. And while we have you, sir, if you order two birds today, we'll give you a little sphere, a glass sphere. Oh, for the cane? Well, just you can hold in your hand and kind of... Can I put it on the top of the cane? Sure, sir, if you want to put it on top of the cane,

but you could also roll it around in your hand and make it seem like a crystal ball. Can I use you to hit one of the birds? Why? No. My superior is saying no. Don't hit the bird with the ball. What can I hit the bird with?

Well, we kind of don't want you to hit the bird. Oh. Yeah. What's a bird for? I'm sorry. Just to give you a look of a wise person, sort of like a wizardy. Do you look wise if you throw a bird against the wall from close up? No, no, no.

Because it seems like that would be. We're going to go. We're going to go. I can get a bird anywhere. We're going. I hung up. Hello. Sir, hang up so I could make another call.

So William doesn't want to be known as a hack writer, but he still started writing stories. about lured and supernatural stuff. Okay. He ghost wrote a crime memoir by the bobbed-haired bandit after she was robbing shops in Brooklyn. Okay. He was making money, more money than ever. Like, he's doing well. But if someone called out what he wrote, he devastated him.

So he didn't like what he was writing. He's embarrassed of his art. Right. But you've got to make a living. Sure. So it's a thing. At a party, a hero of his writer Theodore Dreiser deliberately ignored William, and that humiliation spurred him to become a more serious writer. A Columbia University student from Lebanon hung out on the coffee shop and once said his father would welcome any friend of his to Beirut.

Okay. So William took him up on it. So I was just... Oh, I'm going. It's a turn of phrase. How do we do this? I'm ready to go to I bought a ticket.

Off we go. I can't wait to meet your dad. Now will you come with me or write a letter or should I wear your skin? I'm going to go meet your dad. Oh, I'm going to meet your dad. So he jumps on a ship. Ship?

He's got a letter of introduction to a Bedouin chic. To what? A Bedouin chic. Okay. William has silk pajamas and a case of aspirin. which is super rare there. That's what he brings? Yes.

Well, to like... Other stuff. Like extra stuff to like... Right. For people. So aspirin's a big player. To gain favor. Sure.

That's awesome. And he gives it out to the wives of Bedouin warriors. And soon he becomes an honorary member of the Benny Shacker tribe. Okay. Because he brine bribed his way into it. Right.

That's how you do it. It's fucking great. When I go anywhere weird, to bring Advil. I know you're full, but I got that two exeterates. Hey, let this guy in. He's got Motrin. You know, that guy went to that island off of Sri Lanka

and wasn't supposed to go there and they killed him? Yeah. I went there with Advil and they were like, get in here. He's got to leave. What do you mean? He's got to leave. Where's he got to go? Oh, no, we're not doing this.

Yes, we are. He's got to leave. Let him in. How are we going to leave? if he wants to leave because he has a leave we're not doing this yeah i tell you you're all alone because on account of all the aleve you're all alone this is by the way you give me five minutes in a room alone i'm coming back with a great a leave bit with pirates how can he leave if we took him on board we took him on board on account of the aleve how's he going to all leave i said adville by the way i'm doing

I know, I'm trying to stop you. That's not working, idiot. He was invited on their horse stealing raids, and he converted to Islam at the request of a host. Okay. But he didn't mean anything, Tom. He didn't care. Sure.

And then they offered him the services of a slave girl. I don't know what he did with that offer. I am hoping he turned it down. I bet he didn't. Okay, dokey. Williams first book was published in 1927. Adventures in Arabia among the Bedouin' Druzes and Whirling, dervishes and

Eziti devil worshippers. So now he's living a life and he's able to actually write some stuff. Yeah. Because his life's interesting. Yeah, basically. It's like when I got the vasectomy, one of the first things I thought was, this will be a bit.

Not a good one. The public loves the book. Okay. Critics not as much. One critic called it melodramatic. The formula he had created was to go go somewhere exotic, find the weird ritual thing or a place, be told not to go there or do it, then do it or go there, and then say it was actually awesome.

Great. This was considered progressive at the time. William believed he was anti-racist because he was from the South, but would hang out with and eat with the savages. Well, there's a lot going on there. Uh-huh. You know, I don't know if it's right to consciously be thinking of how not racist you are.

I think that's really great. I go around saying I'm not racist all the time. Yeah. No, and there's nothing that makes me happier than to say to someone who's not my race. How cool am I being about this? I'm not even thinking about it. How cool is this of me? I'm white.

It's not great. I mean, in my blood is the compulsion to take advantage of indigenous people and their artifacts. And here I am. Talking. Huh? How good is this? Keep in mind, I'm real white. Subal white.

So he's basically an adventure going into mysterious and troubling lands with an open mind. Sure. Which is rare. Quote, I have a warm feeling toward Negroes. Don't care for it. They're perhaps, by and large, less intelligent than whites. What? I called this.

There's exactly what I'm talking about. To have the conscious thought about how great you're being for doing... That's basically what it is. Yeah. I'm going there and not talking shit about them. Yes. I'm hanging around with these stupid non-whites. I'm barely bringing it up.

Or perhaps only less well educated, inferior intellectually in general, if you choose. But I often think they're superior to us emotionally and spiritually, perhaps superior in kindness and capacity for happiness. I'd like to go down to Haiti or somewhere and turn Negro if I can. Oh, I got to tell you. Is that weird? Is that weird? I got to tell you. There were parts of that that felt a little redemptive. And then it really fell apart badly, badly, badly at the end.

I'm very nervous. Why? Because I don't care for his cultural appropriation on a level that's disturbing. Hining to be what he called. I don't think is a great thing. I don't think that's going to be a great turn to this character. I mean, I remember when Anthony Bourdain went to Asia and said, my plan is to be Chinese soon.

It's weird. Agreed. So this is post-war, and the war had gassing and machine guns. So academic types were looking at non-Western cultures as like more spiritual, real, an antidote to the post-war nightmare. We still. If you can imagine that happening. If you can imagine that.

We're still looking for that. Yeah, but that's exactly what's going on now with a lot of things. Colonialism had been. bringing tribal art back to Paris for decades, and that led to tons of primitive themed art, music, clothes, dance, writing. Surrealists made art inspired by, quote, Negro art. Josephine Baker from Missouri was doing the banana dance. What? So by the 1920s...

That hell just happened. Yeah. By the 1920s, everyone is into it, right? So this cultural appropriation... Not enough, though, where we could, like, count on civil rights or anything like that. No. I was like, you know what? I think we figured it out.

We'll take the good parts and make them ours. We're going to dance like them, but they stuff to use different drinking fountains. Can we vote? No. No. But look at us, do you dances? How cool is this? Everybody do the white. This is the feeling I get when I'm in Hawaii and I see the luau things where people go watch

Louau dancing and put on the luau things and eat the. And I'm just like, yeah, it's weird. Well, and it's also, but it is like it's, again, it's like financially a smart decision because white people are like, oh my God. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I tell you, when I, the first time I flew to Hawaii, I got off the plane and I was walking through the airport and they were handing out lays. And I put one on and I was like, yeah. And then they were like, are you part of the Clarkson tour?

Yeah. No, they're like, that's not for you. I was like, oh, I thought, sorry. Every movie I've seen In Kauai, they always give you a lay I don't know if they still do No, they didn't, wherever I flew into Maui They did not

So this is a big thing And William's Haiti idea Which I said before Which if I want to repeat it I'd like to go down to Haiti or somewhere Into a Negro If I'm going to hear Williams Haiti idea

I do Haiti the idea Got him a $15,000 book advance It's $200,000 today. Well, we'd like to see what you come back with. I'd like to see you be black. Ah, good luck out there. So in night... Why do Haitians hate us?

So many more reasons. Yeah, I know, yeah. In 19... We're like, you're going to regret that. Hey, we'll bring it back. In 1928, he headed for the island. Now, Haiti at this point, is a disaster because of the U.S. intervention. Yeah.

Can you imagine? It is the one country we fucked. up. We're the only one. They had one time. We invaded in 1915 to protect our corporations after coups had to stabilize the country, and then we installed the puppet leader and dissolve the legislature. We introduced segregation policies for light and dark skin blacks, which pissed off the Creole elites.

We initiated slavery to build new roads and infrastructure. We're good. We're good. Why are people saying we're not? Good. We're good. Who else would have done that? Roads got built, right? It's one of the few bright spots of living under what we're living under now is where people are starting to go, wait, what did we do? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. We like, yeah. Yeah. No, it's been real bad. Yeah, real bad. But Joe Biden was a, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So by the time William arrived, those who had supported U.S. intervention now hated us. But William was super into going, and he brought Katie, and they rented a house in Porta Prince. They had servants, a cook, a butler, laundress, a houseboy named Lewis. Hello. Hi, I'm a houseboy. Hello. I don't think he was actually a boy, though, based on what I wrote to. I'm really more of a house man.

A man, yeah. More syrup? No. A little more potentially. Nope. Maybe a touch more syrup. Okay. There you are.

I'm having coffee. A little more syrup in it? What about Katie? Would she care for some more syrup? Nope. Well, if neither of you want any more syrup, maybe I'll go away for the morning. Okay. I'll stand here until you're done with your coffee to make sure.

No. I took the liberty of putting more syrup in your beds. Okay, thank you. So that's nice. and sticky for you too now. So have you been watching us? I should put some syrups in your shoes. Okay. Great. Thank you. No problem. I guess don't come back. It's more what I'm thinking. What do we think with the syrup stuff? Well, I think we don't need any more. Maybe a little bit more on your shoes. Okay. There you are. They're very sticky.

Perfect. You're a very bad house boy. I'm a man. Yes. Worse. More uncomfortable. Well, if there's nothing more syrup-wise... Well, there's not really. Okay. Thank you.

Yeah, okay. A little tip, potentially? Yeah, well, I mean, I guess you work for... For those of us who are just listening and can't see the gesture. You're literally my employee. Tip wouldn't be bad. Yeah, there you go. Yep.

There's some syrup. I don't work for syrup. Well, that's what we have. White motherfucker. The Dullop is brought to you by Squarespace, an all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Yes. Which I think is what you've done. Yes.

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And about trees that spoke and the dead who walked. He's a great audience for this stuff. Because of the Laudanum childhood. William and Lewis started making trips into the mountains. In a small mountain village, he met Mamma Sili, a spiritual leader. I am quite silly. He lived with her for weeks. Whoa.

He said he was, she said he was her son, quote, a black man with a white face. You mean it? This is what I've been waiting for. It is. She clearly knew what he wanted. Like she, yeah. I've been doing white face all these years. Well, I mean, I wouldn't call it white face, but you are a white face.

I'm a black man. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, all the things that I can now do. Nothing really. There's less, actually, less stuff that you can do. A lot less.

I knew I hated whitey. Okay. Well, this is taking a turn that we... Well, I'm black. Okay. Yes. All right. Okay, I don't know why you're moving your body like that.

Because I've dropped the white. Okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I'm black, yeah. No, stop it, please. Oh. I'm begging you to stop it.

Begging you to stop it. The sake of the podcast, for the sake of our careers. Oh, it feels so good. The sake of the fight. My mom made a bag of charms to protect him, which he prayed over. Okay. She let him see a blood right in which a bull was... That's the fucking auto-cracked.

I don't know what it is. It says scarved. Let's just go a scarved. So they put scarves on it. Carved? It might have been carved, yeah. But scarved is kind of cooler. That is cool.

While villagers played drums and danced. Then he watched as Mamman's daughter was turned into a goat. Huh? What? Now, wait a minute. I get to be black, but she's a goat now? Yes, but that's not the same thing because goats are not oppressed. I didn't know there were options.

You could have been a goat. I want to be the son. No, you already are a black guy. Could have been a goat. Can't change you again. You picked it. Could have been a Jim Brewer character. Ugh.

The teen on her knees and the goat stared at each other. Her lips became goat-like and she nibbled at leaves. What the hell? Her eyes were glassy. Quote, when a priest plunged a knife into the goat's neck, the girl bleated, leaped, and fell senseless to the ground. The goat was bled into a bowl. The blood used to draw a cross on Seabrook's forehead.

The bowl was then held to his lips, and Seabrook drank the clean, warm, salty blood. Go on. Well, I don't know. It just seems like it's a lot. It's definitely a lot. Why do you say that? It's just a...

This is just a vacation. Like, this is what happens on a Caribbean cruise. I find it troubling. Why? Just drinking the blood out of the bull's neck fresh. Well, that's how you drink. How do you drink? drink goats.

No, it's the whole, or the goat's blood, sorry. But, no, I would just really, all right. I mean, listen, I'm not trying to culturally yuck a yum. You are yuck and a yum. But it is, you know, it's, I don't love it. I don't love any of that stuff. I never love watching any of that stuff where the, you know, you know. I don't think you're fun.

Like, I don't think you'd be fun to take a vacation with. You've taken vacations with me. yeah we hung out for three days in cairns together this is what I'm saying we saw the great barrier reef yeah and you were a bummer then I followed a turtle for so long that they told me to come back to the boat so so these and other stories were published in

his book the Magic Island in 1929 this is going to be a huge hit the part of the book that made the biggest splash was about zombies oh shit oh dear so in the Caribbean zombies had many forms um a disembodied soul trapped in a jar wow a person turned into an animal a tiny fairy-like creature that hid under beds to scare naughty kids and a corpse raised from the dead why you went in the wrong order that is from least threatening to most. Jar zombie.

Jar zombie's awesome. Just like an empty jar. Don't open that. No! No! That's not peanut butter! Scary under the bed, not great. But scary under the bed is like a standard kid's story.

I'll be honest, Dave. There are times where I still think there might be something under the bed. Well, sometimes I'm under there. Lewis and Mamon had told them stories, but this dude tax collector named Constant Pallants, said they were real and that he had actually seen them. He said years before the Haitian American sugar company offered bonuses to employees who brought in new workers,

one brought a group of rough-looking men and women, saying they didn't speak Creole. And they were put to work. And they were actually zombies. So zombie workers. That really sucks if you're a zombie and you just kind of get put to work. It's not a great afterlife. Like you're supposed to be like, no, we're taking over the world.

Hey, guys, plant within the strings, okay? Keep these crops kind of lined up, eight inches apart, okay? But we want brains. Quiet. No. Get back to work. Okay? Well, great workers.

They just worked all day in week after week without saying anything. If Jeff Bezos ever listened to this podcast, he will be whacking it to us. Absolutely. Oh, yeah.

So William and Constance set out on horses. My package was supposed to be here five hours ago. So William and Constance set out on horses and rode hours to a sugar cane field. And then Constance spoke to a field boss who said, quote, Negro affairs are not for whites.

but William didn't give a shit and Constant tapped a worker on the shoulder quote the man stood and Seabrook looked into his eyes he reached out and grabbed one of the man's dangling hands he shook it and said

bonjour compeer the man stared back without replying his eyes fixed on some distant horizon William said his eyes reminded him of a lobotomized dog that he had seen in the university lab Hey. What?

All right. So I'm going to jump in here with some other thoughts real quick. By the way, you can get a lobotomized dog at Petco. Oh, lobotomized dog in a lab. Yeah. What did we prove that it's a terrible thing to do to a dog? Look at this thing. Oh, fuck me.

They were the eyes of a dead man quote. He only knows sit. They were the eyes of a dead man, quote. Great God, maybe this stuff is really true. and if it is true, it is rather awful for it upsets everything. Yeah, because they were walking dead. Yeah.

His book, The Magic Island, was a huge hit, as you said. 500,000 copies sold. His descriptions created the Western idea of zombies and voodos. That great. Corps is staggering down the road. The other types of zombies were never thought

of just the zombie cadaver. Sure. No, so the jar zombies, we just let it, whatever. Because why, how is that fun? Well, that's what I'm saying. It's like, that's, you know. But that's the real zombie.

I don't know if I agree with that. Jombie. Well, Pugh's Playhouse. The magical island was sensational. It's nice that they're doing jujitsu in the building right now. The magical island was sensational. Reviews were great. A New York literary journal called it, quote,

A Man's Story written for adult minds. Sure. those who knew Haitian culture however did not agree a Hollywood movie called White Zombie was made starring Bella Legosi so William was now seen as the top white reporter of the world's primitive cultures

I don't love any of that It's great He's the best white reporter on indigenous culture The Bella Lagosso movie is called White Zombie Yeah white zombie So Katie and William are still married, but over the years they realized they're just not a match sexually. Okay. Now that's the Chains one.

No, that's his wife. Oh, that's the OG. So she's ignoring all of his running around at this point. As his fame increased, he became more and more open about his love of S&M. Okay. He's still doing kink with Deborah. That's the one. Yeah.

So that's been going on for a while now. In 1929, he meets Marjorie Worthington at a card game. Okay. Marjorie was with her husband, and William just stared straight at her all night. By the way. Great moment. That's the way to do it. Don't say a word.

Stare. Look through her. Yes. And look at her and lock on her. Make her cry. And make her know it's all you're doing. They like that. They like that a lot.

They like that a lot. They like that a lot. And then the first thing you say is, can I tie you up? They love that. Yeah. Can I chain you to. Can I buy you a chain? Can I chain you to a water heater?

May I? May you be captive? In a good way. In a good way. You get stuck in bathtub? The next day, he sent her roses. Okay. An author said she was, quote, a stiff, gentle woman with a soft, gentle woman with a soft

voice and an unhappy face. What the fuck kind of description is that? I love it. By the way, in this era, if a woman has an unhappy face, that's not genetic. I think it is. That's societal. What? Yeah. What are they supposed to be

like, this is awesome. We can't have bank accounts. Well, you're a bummer. So they start having an affair. Okay. William now has to top the last book. Sure. Yeah. Not By the way, again, this is the issue. And there's a French writer who has traveled the world, and he published a book called

Black Magic, and he tells William that he should go to West Africa to see the cannibals. Oh, fuck me. And William is off. Oh, God. In Liberia, he met with witch doctors and tooth-wearing tribesmen, right? Sure. So sort of the classic thing we think of in our head, the look. He saw rituals in which babies seem to be impaled on swords, but would later reappear.

Fine. So it's magic. Uh-huh. It's magic. Sure. William also... William, well, it's not a bag of, it's the same baby. They're not putting a baby on a sword.

Come on. William was also given a pet monkey. Dave. I'm on record on this show. Whenever a pet monkey gets involved, things are about, it's bad. It's a bad part of the episode. That's go really well. Things are going to go worse.

This is what tames the man. Whenever someone is capable of having a monkey pet that's too much power. It's when you tame the spirit of the man. No. He also wrote that he had tasted human flesh. All righty. What do you want to do here? Quote, it tasted like a good, fully developed veal.

really weird comparison literally an Epstein email really weird comparison tasted like really well developed veal it tasted like really well developed not able to move young very young cow it tasted by the way well developed

veal is beef oh it's like a baby it's like a it's like a baby imagine if a baby cow got big it's like a baby animal but bigger but better developed Like an adult baby. What do you call those? Oh, adults?

Fucking eating human. But by the way, if you're in that situation, I mean, really think about this. All right? You're in this situation. You're doing your embed thing. I mean, I'm sure he's fudging reality or whatever. But the food's out. You know it's human.

You're really on your own here. You're not going to try it? I'm going to try it. You're going to be like, I don't want to be rude. The I don't want to be rude voice is going to probably outdo the I can't eat human. Yeah. You're probably going to take a bite and go, I had a bunch of guy before I got here. Yeah.

You're going to do it. I, guy never agrees with me. We eat guy all the time back in. Oh, I love guy. Yeah. New York, we're all eating guy. Oh, I'm from Jersey. We eat Guy Rose.

Oh. In the book he said it was a 30-year-old guy. He was a 30-year-old guy. his name was Clark. He was awesome. The book was called Jungle Ways. Okay. The Campbellism chapter was scandalous. The Montgomery advisor wrote, quote,

So repellent is the subject that we hesitate to speak of it. Yeah. William said the critics were just upset that he ate black people, not that he ate with, that he ate with black people, not that he ate them. Oh, fucking. That's called a great argument. You're racist.

You don't like that I ate with, black guy. You're not mad that I ate. I ate a black guy. That's right. You don't care about. White people and black people sitting down to eat a black guy. You don't like that.

What the actual fuck is your argument, my friend. You're racist. That's racist. You won't even eat a black guy. Of course I wouldn't. Aha. Cab. Bam.

Own. But he never actually ate human flesh in Africa. The tribal chief wouldn't allow him to as an outsider. please that's even sadder may I please try man but he still wanted to eat human for the book so so he went to Paris and got a friend who worked in a morgue oh to give him this is so much more the idea wow to give him a piece of fine he's like listen these cultures they're not like us Meanwhile, he went to Paris to eat a fucking... Black market thigh.

Just some... Yeah, just some fucking dude. Yeah, a little black market Larry. Are you sure you want to try him? This is lovely. So he had a dinner party. Oh, my God. Quote, I ate it in the presence of witnesses and liked it no more or less than any other edible eat meat.

Oh. But I'm sure human tastes like any kind of meat. It's the idea of having a party and it's... It's morgue based. It is weird. I'll give you that. I expect to be given at least that. I got to pee.

Can I pee real quick? Yeah. All right. It's just having to put gauze back on your balls. All right. So he does a dinner party and a guest later said he did not tell them they were eating human. I fucking hate it. that's wrong with that

it's not the order surprise surprise meal that's terrible that's how you do it well you remember that uh Sasha Baron Cohen show this is America

yeah he did that this prisoner character who was reformed and became like was trying to do more refined things and one of them was a foodie and he got this actual New York like city foodie guy to sit

down with him and he told the guy it was human and the guy ate it. Okay. It's coming. These rich, do you don't think Peter Thiel and Elon Musk would eat a man? It would not be surprised me at all. But that reveal is wild.

Yeah. By the way, how did you like the duck? I've got some updates. That was a morgue man. Morgman. Morgman. Did you like your Morgman? How did you like your man?

So now William invites Marjorie to join him in Paris. She and her husband had an open marriage, which was pretty common in Greenwich Village at the time. Sure. So she went. And they were there for a year. And when they came back a year later, they discovered that her husband and Katie were now an item. Oh, interesting. So a little swapsie-poos.

Yeah, a little swap. That's a straight-up swap. Yeah, sure. So they filed for divorces and they headed for Timbuktu. Now, filing for divorce seems strange. You've just opened your marriage up and then you're like, you two have been fucking? I think they were both. You two have been fucking.

But I think they were both like we like the other couple better. Interesting. So that's why. Full on swap. At one point, William left her alone when they're in Tibuktu and flew off to look for a missing French pilot. And she came down with dysentery. Oh, Christ. So he's just treating the ladies well.

Good Lord. Back in to Paris, William, through a cocktail party where he had a call girl shackled by her wrist to a post. Marjorie tolerated it, but she was humiliated. What the fuck is going on? He's becoming more overt. He's pushing the bounds. Yes, he is. He's pushing the bounds of love.

So he has a call girl tied up. Yeah, chained. And the wife is, or not of the wife, but Marjor. is like, this is weird. Well, she's now just like, okay, now you're just making me look like an idiot. Anyone want some man nachos? Or man balls? How cool is my little world?

Want some man balls? Look at how good this little zone I've got cooking is. This guy has his semen soldered. That's a normal procedure. I know. So she did not like the quote, business of chains and leather masks that were so important to him. Oh.

So he's shaming. Well, he's into a lady who's not into his kink, right? Yeah. So that's not a great mix. No. So he commissioned, studded, still, he commissioned a studded silver collar for Marjorie. Civil collar? Silver.

Oh, my God. I think he said civil. And she wore it in a photo. And she looks miserable in a photo. Yeah. Hey, you know, your girls don't. need to be chipped. But I think he likes that more.

Of course. Yeah. It's a big part of it. The photographer who took that photo later wrote of an evening in which William asked him to watch a sex worker he'd hired to be a sub.

She was chained to the stairs in his duplex. I mean. So now he's just got, he's got chain up a sex worker money. Yeah. So he's just got, he's got him chained up around his house all the time.

Some R. Kelly vibes cooking here. Quote, she was nude except for a soiled, ragged loincloth with her hands behind her back chained to the post with a padlock. She was being paid to do this for a few days, was very docile and willing. I was to order dinner from the dining room,

anything we liked, wine, champagne, but under no circumstances have the girl eat with us. She was to be served on a plate with the food cut up and placed on the floor near her as for a dog, get down on her knees to eat. I don't love it. But this girl is being paid to do it and seems into it.

So it's a different animal. Sure. Sure. By animal, I mean. Lady dog. Lady dog. I still don't. Yeah.

He is finding, besides Marjorie, he does seem to be finding willing participants. Sure. As soon as William left, he, the guy unlocked her and had her eat with them. No, you'll be not eating on the floor. I would like to eat on the floor. May I feed you from the table?

The scraps? So now William and Marjorie start spending a lot of time in the south of France in this bohemian town there that all these artists go to. Sure. William there walked around dressed like a French fisherman. Such a strange little call. And, of course, on a leash, his pet monkey.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, Garsohn and I had an amazing day at sea. Oh, all these things we caught besides venereal diseases. How does everyone like ocean trout? Oh, man. Garsohn and I had an amazing day. We caught a group air, things of that nature. I'm just from around here

a real fisherman. By the way, if any of you have daughters who I can chain to a radiator and feed the shells of oysters, that could be cool. He told Marjorie to dress like a local market girl, and the locals named her the beautiful slave. This is a market girl.

She's a slave. Look at the Sylvie Calais. They hung out with Aldous Huxley. the writer and his wife? I hope he doesn't bring that damn monkey. William had his money and fame, but not Huxley's talent, which ate at him. It was a party town, and so William really starts drinking. And at some point, he isolates and just starts drinking alone.

Good. Good sign. Good. Let him go psychotic. Let's see what this brain can do. And then he just stopped talking to people. Not a bad thing. he drank he would drink until he passed out sure margie would try to cheer him up but nothing worked

william wrote quote i'm told i've become like one of my own zombies he eventually cabled his publisher and friend and said he was now a habitual drunkard okay and he wanted to sail back to the u.s and have his publisher take him straight to a psychiatric ward to lock him down to get sober okay and that's what happened good good He was taken straight to Bloomingdale Asylum in White Plains on the day Prohibition ended. That is the... Just delay it a day. You can't quit drinking on St. Patrick's Day.

This is the craziest thing's happening in the whole fucking story. That is the craziest day to decide you're done. That is, it's just one more day. I mean, well, imagine you don't know when you go in when you come out. Shouldn't be hard. I mean, drinking's illegal. What the hell is going on? Jesus Christ.

Is that guy loosing rum out of another guy? I was ass. So he stayed in the asylum for seven months. That's a drinking problem. Meanwhile, Marjorie is alone in Paris and now saying she feels like a zombie. So the asylum has clay and grass tennis courts, a gymnasium, dinner with linens, Swedish massages, psychoanalysis, a woodshed, more. It's good.

I would, by the way. I'd go there for seven months. Without question. I'd be like, I'm never going to be cured. May I have another Swedish massage. The clay courts really do a number on my cabs. When it was over, he wrote a book called Asylum. It's considered the first celebrity rehab memoir.

Well, I wish it was the last. Quote, I was locked up where I couldn't run away, either by boat or bottle. I had to stay with myself and look at myself, and it wasn't pleasant. Oh, the hell I went through. I am a savage. The volleyball I had to learn. So after he moved to Rinebeck, New York, which is an artsy little town. Sure.

Marjorie came and they finally got married. Oh. He puts the collar on her neck. Where's the collar bearer? His book, Asylum, Influence. He's like, do you, Marjorie, take William to be your husband? I do. No, no, no.

I mean, I don't. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She doesn't want to do that. And do you take Majri to be your dog? Oh, yeah. She's a bad girl.

Bad girl come with Daddy. Bad girl come with Daddy. Eat the rose petals. His book Asylum Influence, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous Bill Wilson. Early editions of the big book reference William by name. The asylum staff had told him to go another six months after release without drinking. which he did. Okay.

And then someone brought out Sherry at dinner. The idea that he's, oh, dear. My Achilles booze. Marjorie said he came apart when he published the book, These Foreigners, about immigrants in America. There it is. Critics called it boring. I love critics.

What do you think of this xenophobic rant? They said he wrote better when he was a degenerate drinker. Terrible for him to hear. He was now in his 50s, but still. couldn't take criticism. And one day, he came home with several bottles of whiskey in a paper bag. Jesus Christ. Here we go. It's go time. Daddy's back. He became obsessed. When COVID was for, when we were first, like, shutting down for COVID, I was like, I was like, I don't know

what's going to happen to liquor and weed stores. I was like, I don't know. The amount of vodka and pot I bought in those first four days, like the guy at the liquor store was genuinely like this guy is the greatest cut out. I would come into the big one. He was like, I know which one. He would give me two of those. He's like, there you go, my man. He became obsessed with alternate realities.

And wanted to show the place. The moniverse. He wanted to show the places a human mind would wander. What? So he bought, so he brought young women in for experiments in his barn. Nope. What? No.

This is science. No. It's not a drunk guy being crazy in a barn. It's science. I mean, young women into a barn for experiments. Oh, no. He put them in bondage hoods. By the way, this guy ate human.

Yeah. For science. No, for art. For books. Yeah, sometimes someone's got a, some artist has to do it. Oh, no. He just got married. Now he's like, well, I'm going to go into the she barn.

I can get a tie up a lady. He put them in bondage hoods and then he hung them by their wrists for hours. Jesus. This is Abu Ghraib. Watching to see if they would, quote, slip through a door of time. Have you never done that? Like on a Friday night, you meet a girl? Hey, you want to see if you can go and do another reality?

Oh, my God. Oh. Say, what do you say? You want to go get some drinks and then you can come to my barn where I'll bind your hands and we can see if you fall through time holes? Okay. Sound good? He wrote a book, Witchcraft, Its Power in the World Today, and he puts some of his experiments in there.

Experiments is such an air quoting. Oh, yeah. Parts of it may have been written by Ghostwriter, but readers... Oh, no, Gareth. I've seen it all. before I drowned as a boy but readers

are done with him like his his style and that that whole thing it's gone shark jumper I mean it's 20 years on you know so he starts writing syndicated newspaper pieces again to pay the bills

ghost ships human sacrifice sex murders blah blah blah sex murders rain queens yeah blah blah blah cult rings yeah so Marjorie is getting more upset by his bullshit Quote, I tried keeping to keep things running smoothly while knowing that in the barn studio, some rather nice girl had been persuaded to let herself be hung by a chain from the ceiling

until she was so tired she hardly knew what she was doing or saying. That's called time travel. She's traveled. It's not pain. She's in the future. William brought home a girl named Constance Kerr, and Marjorie felt she was different than the others. Kerr was older and had ideas about how things should go.

She moved in and decided to cure... Bit of a 90-9-1-1. Decided to cure William of alcoholism. I have no idea what you're talking about. Some of us don't live in a world where when you reference crazy reality shows, we don't know what they mean. Well, sounds like you need a wife swap.

Disagree. So one day, Constance had William roll up his sleeves. Okay. And then she put his elbows into a pot of boiling water. Okay, dokey. What? So they fight clubbed. Quote, if you can't bend your arms, you can't drink.

I'm trying to poke a hole, but I'm having a bit of trouble. So. She found, he found him and a lady. Yeah. So she took away the elbows. Now he can't really, I mean, by the way, it does take. eating, handshaking, gesturing, reading, writing, masturbating, throwing.

A lot of stuff. Wiping your ass. Wiping everything off the table. But including that, drinking. Not really, because I could just pick up a bottle with my mouth and go, go, go, you're an Anthony. When Marjorie came home and saw William, she lost it too. Hey.

His hands are just withered at babies. Honey, good news. I can't drink anymore. We put my arms in boiling water. These black things are my elbow. I'm done with drinking. Look at my scaps. What about a straw?

Oh, yeah. What about a straw? Well, you're going to have to burn that mouth. I wanted to call you, but I figured you'd say, yeah. So William on Constance gone, but William said maybe she, Marjorie, should go live in the property cottage until... Sitting down with your burned arm...

You know, can I be honest, hon? I'm not sure on Constance. I like a lot about her, but I don't know. When she put my arms up to the elbow in boiling water and made it so they don't work, I can't tell if I like that or not. Maybe you two should go live together. No.

Oh. He sent Marjorie out to the... cottage. Oh. Constance stays in the house. Sorry, different conversation. Run it back. Hey, honey.

I got to be honest. Ever since Constance came here, it feels like solutions are just falling from the sky every day. You can't move your arms to eat. Honey, let me finish. Okay. I think the problem with this whole thing is you're kind of here with a little too much judgment. Maybe you should go live in a cottage alone so Constance and I can figure out some more

problems. I'm going to cut your fucking arms off and shove them up your ass. I'm not going to feel it. I also think

she cured my ability to not play soccer well. So, Marjorie? Can you imagine? The man's world

of that? It's crazy. Honey, I think you've got to leave. That's so crazy. He said, eventually,

I'll tire of Constance, and you can come back. Look, eventually, whatever she's doing, I won't won't like anymore, but up until that it's been awesome.

You know, I guess in retrospect, giving a seven-year-old heroin on a forest walk, wasn't an awesome idea. So Marjorie moves out to the cottage and she cooks him stews and she would send them to William and the barn. What the fuck? At some point, you got to, like, write a list, pros and cons. Yeah, honestly. This is like marrying Brett Ratner.

but she finally realizes comes to her senses she can't take it and she files for divorce on what ground? I don't know What is she? I don't know

Oh, because he has a disability now Hanging in there after the elbow boiling water thing is a shame William publishes another book No hiding places Which is an autobiography

Written by foot Time called it the year's weirdest autobiography. Oh, I won the award. Not an award. It's not good. Not an award. There's tons of lying.

Time every year with the person of the year where they keep being like, it's not about who's the best person. Can you stop with your fucking bullshit? What if you make it about the best person? How about that? Do that. Because I'll tell you what. I'm a little sick of Elon Musk and Donald Trump

framing your stupid fucking magazine. So the book's full of lying and bragging and name dropping. And lots of say to it is. he acknowledged that he would only be remembered for zombies. Like he realizes like that's going to be his only social significance. I'll be honest. I'm going to remember him as the guy who burned his arms so he couldn't drink. I'm going to remember as the guy who ate people.

And pranked a party. Yeah. Had everyone enjoy the food? Constance gets pregnant. Okay. They had a son named William. Oh, God. When the boy was two on September.

30th, 1945, William took a bunch of sleeping pills and killed himself. Dave, perfect. Should have been center. Let's be honest. I don't know how he got the pills to his mouth. Not a great life. I mean, so he is. And extremely, I feel like I took heroin.

He is the godfather of zombies. He is the guy who created Western zombies. like he is that's it that's our guy now Romano I can't think of the guy Ray Romano Ray Romano

George Romano would reinvent zombies and make it more like a political thing you know like capitalism so it's kind of like the modern day zombieish thing now they've been stripped of that but they were that they were his thing until Romero came along

and then he changed it a little bit I just I don't care for this man's life I don't know why he hates zombies very very strange but he's right he was the his one hit

that's it yeah and being a little bit of a kinky weirdo sources the writer introduced zombies to America by Emily Matcher and Aidivist Magazine and then the Age newspaper January 8th in 1944.

Man, I, um, yeah, okay. Dude, what I did, uh, I did, uh, a show in Albert Kirkland two weeks ago. I was just talking to this guy in the front row and his wife wasn't with him. And I go, uh, I'm like, you know, where, like, what does she? He's like, I'm like, what does she do? He like, didn't want to tell me what she did. And then he's like, uh, George R.R. Martin's personal assistant. And I was like, what?

Oh my God. Oh, my God. He lives, he lives in, uh, like, out there. I won't say where I guess. Yeah, he does live out there. And now they're like, by the way, we could do a show at his theater. I was like, I want to meet this guy. Yeah.

So. But it was like one of the greatest reveals ever. I was trying to explain to people like anyone who was there. This one woman was like, who is he? I was like, you see this guy and he looks like a guy who plays chess in the park. And then you just inside of his head is one of the most mind-palist environments of all time. They guys just sitting there just like, and then they will, they, but glass, I see glass kills them. You're just like, just so dude.

Anyway, uh, shout out to laudanum. Hmm.