The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 74 - Mormon Tough Guy Porter Rockwell

Episode Date: April 13, 2015

Dave and Gareth examine crazy tough guy Mormon Porter Rockwell. SOURCESTOUR DATESREDBUBBLE MERCHPATREON

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read a story from American History to my friend Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is about. And it's American History. A lot of you guys want to send me serial killer stories from Germany. That's not America. Oh dude we got to do a Holocaust dollop. That'll be the funniest the best. That's a good call. Some of the stuff that people send me. Did you hear about the kiddie the guy who molested a thousand kids? I did hear about that. Yeah do that. There's nothing funny about it. Let me hear how you guys riff on that one. God. Do an Ed Gein one. Oh so gross. God do you want to look at a dude? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny.

Not Gary Gareth. Dave okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not going to come to Tickly Clotcast. Okay. You are Queen Fakie of Haight Uptown. All hail Queen Shit of Liesville. A bunch of religious virgins go to Mingle and do what? Frank? Hi Gary. No. Is he done my friend? No. June 28, 1813. Mm-hmm. Oren Porter Rockwell was born in Belcher, Massachusetts. Okay. To a farmer and Sarah Rockwell. He was named after his father but they threw an extra Oren, the Oren. So he's got two O-R-I-N and the son is O-R-R-I-N. Okay so it's totally different. Yeah you'd be able to completely tell them

different. You can establish your own individuality now. When you call the house in a few generations you'll say can I talk to Oren and they'll say one R or two R's. Yeah okay that's good. He was the second of nine sons and daughters. When he was four years old the family moved to Palmyra, New York, ten miles away from what would become the Fox sisters house. Remember the Fox sisters? Which ones are they? Spiritualist. Oh yeah yeah right. And the Berndover district. Sure. Very early on now the Berndover district. Central New York State was experiencing the second great awakening. A time of numerous religious revivals by various

denominations especially Methodists and Baptists. Oh man. So this is a point in America where the Americans are heading out into the the madness of the wilderness and out there there is not the organized religion is not really organized so people are coming up with their own offshoots of shit left and right. Right. It's getting a little crazy out there. I'd like that time. It sounds kind of just like a just kind of like a trade show. A little bit. Like it's kind of like as we walk around a trade show a little bit. Yep. Kind of soak up what's going on. What are you offering? I'm offering a headless chicken. Oh god no.

Farmer Olson. That might be in the future. No that's the please. Okay. In 1918 the Smith family moved in to the farm next door to the Rockwells. The Smith family was known to dabble in folk magic such as divining or using a dowsing rod and searching for treasure with a seer stone or a peep stone which is either a clear stone to look into like a crystal ball or a stone with holes in it to look through. Yeah good so that's smart. Sort of like rock glasses really. Do you know what science is? Yeah it's science. This is obvious. If you find a hole a rock with a hole in it you can look through it to find treasure. Everything's different. Yeah.

That's how you find treasure. Of course dude. Science. Any religion where you have to look through a hole in a rock to know more? Yeah. My mouth. Look we found a treasure find in rock. We gonna be rich ma. Rich I tell you. Oh boy the Lord have blessed us. The grandfather father and mother of the family all reported to have religious visions and dreams that they followed though they did not belong to a church. Okay so we're starting to getting in there. So that way does they're starting. They're all having visions. Right but this is gonna be like they're gonna create their own. I don't know what's gonna happen. We'll have to stay

tuned. Fucking bullshit. They were described by a contemporary critic as quote lazy ignorant and superstitious having a firm belief in ghosts and witches the telling of fortunes pretending to believe that the earth was filled with hidden treasures. Okay. Okay so. Earth's a piñata. Now use this rock and let's smash through it. If we can just get down deep enough we can find all of the crowns. Look at earth's candy. The crown. Inside the earth is the king of earth. He lives in the middle which is made of chocolate. I'm a doctor and a scientist. Look through this hole in a rock. Oh fuck me that's amazing. Well they believe

that the treasure was hidden there by Captain Kidd or the Spaniards. I mean there's just a stretching of reality there. Yeah. Being miserably poor and not much disposed to obtain an honest livelihood by labor the energies of their minds seem to be most directed towards finding where these treasures were concealed and the best mode of acquiring their possession. Okay so we're we've already established now that these people are going to waste their lives. We don't know that. Yes we do. At the age of three. No at the age of ten sorry Porter Rockwell broke his leg. Okay. Now the backwoods doctor who did

it said it apparently did a poor job. If you can imagine that. Yeah I'm shocked. A backwoods. Yeah. We've already learned about doctors so he wasn't actually a doctor he was like a guy who rubbed on horses. Yeah right okay same thing. That's what you want to work on your leg. He also put up a sign that said can't fix legs. Yeah his front. Non leg fixer. Well I'll give it a shot. So it left Porter with one leg two inches shorter than the other and a lifelong limb. The shorter Porter. Now the Smith boy also had a limp. Okay. So you see where things are coming together. These two are just going to walk around in circles for the

rest of their lives. At the time was expected all young men would join the local militia or turn to farming but due to his limp Porter was not a suitable candidate for either calling which led to him being bullied and taunted by other boys and so was the young Smith boy. Okay so we got the limp twins. But Porter became tough. Okay. And he fought back and he protected the Smith boy. Okay. He was younger. If you have a limp you definitely are you made another limpy you're like okay. Well his limp his limp did not allow him to plow straight. Oh so he would start plowing in circles. Yeah yeah I can't believe you

can't compensate. Yeah. I don't think so. I think you just go in circles. You just your fucking brain can't. I'm just I'm just going with what I believe would happen. Okay. All right. That's our crop circles. Now the Smith boy next door was named Joseph Smith and his Smith was due to a his limp his limp was due to a bone infection. Okay. When he was a boy he was uh oh no sorry he was eight years older than Porter and the two boys bonded over their limp their limps. Okay. And uh and Porter was the tough one. Joseph Smith had his first vision in the early 1820s. Quote I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head above the

brightness of the sun which descended gradually until it fell upon me. When the light rested upon me I saw two personages whose brightness and glory defy all descriptions standing above me in the air. One of them spoke unto me calling me by name and he said pointing to the other this is my beloved son hear him. So it's just kind of like the emcee of the vision. Yeah. Next to the vision you're gonna love your next visionary. This guy plays all over dreams and hallucinations all over the country. You can see me quite a few visions I work the circuit I do a lot of announcing for a lot of visions. Yeah. Pretty

popular at this point. Alright put your hands together. Do you know the guy who does the let's get ready to rumble in boxing? I'm like him but for visions in the 1800s. I'm that guy. Joseph and his parents considered this this pivot this was a pivotal event in the history of humankind. Yeah he had a dream. Joseph's vision. Yeah he dreamt. Second only to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Hey you know what I mean? Yeah. Second to that. That's pretty much that's a normal way to look at it. Now as a boy Porter eagerly listened to the conversations between his parents and the parents of Joseph Smith and he used

to beg his mother to allow him to sit up and keep the pine torch burning in order to listen to young Joseph Smith tell of his visions angels and a gold book. Oh yeah. He became so convinced of his friend's stories that Porter worked daily after farm chores picking up berries and chopping firewood by moonlight giving all his money to Joseph Smith to help print the first book of Mormon. Yeah. I had a feeling. Porter was illiterate and would never be able to read the book. What a fucking it's pretty it's pretty fucked up story right there. Yeah. He's just spending all his time to make money to give to give to

Joseph Smith that he can't read. Right. That's selfless. On April 6th 1830 the Church of Latter-day Saints was organized and Porter was baptized into it making him the youngest Mormon to join the church on its very first day. He was 16 years old. That's not really much of a record. What yeah it's kind of an easy little break also. Yeah. It'd be like you're just one of the first guys there. Yeah. Yeah. It's a bullshit stat. Yeah. That's a real that's a real beefed up stat. The youngest member in the church's history because he's the youngest one here. Yeah. No more statements and or questions. Persecution closely followed

the new church which led its followers to move regularly first to Kirtland, Ohio but their stay was very short there. Well people fucking hated them right. Yeah. Porter was then sent with the first group of Saints. One of these people were all Saints. Sure. The first ones. Yeah. Yeah. No because this because Joseph Smith had a dream. Yeah. Well you heard it. Yeah. Even they were sent to Jackson County, Missouri in August 1831 which is a site Smith had selected for a new temple and designated Jackson County as the location of the millennial Zion or New Jerusalem and as the gathering place for the Saints. You laugh at it but this

is no different than Catholicism or any other fucking thing. It's not. It's not. It's all the same. It is. It's just people making shit up. It is but this is just so recent. It's a little recent. And very, very recent bullshit. I mean there's holes in it when you really look at it. There's it. Listen. I don't know what's got more holes in it. This story or those rocks that we're gonna go treasure hunting with. The Mormons then came in mass to Missouri. Now the Mormonism was picking up at this point and becoming popular and well because it made a lot of sense. It did to me. There were over a thousand on four settlements which started to concern the

locals. A lot of people have moved to Jackson to avoid religious bullshit and now it had come to them. Yeah. And they certainly weren't down with what they considered a new and weird religion. Yeah. The locals looked upon the Mormons as un-American. They also accused the saints of slave tampering which is not do not tamper with my slaves. Yeah. What is slave? I mean. Get in the business of your slaves. Yeah. Giving them money and I guess. Oh. Oh yeah. Right. I can think that they're communicating with them like humans. Hey you've been telling my slave that he's a person. Yeah. I have the Lord said I should. Who's the Lord? Right

over there Joe. Yeah. Okay. That's Joseph. He had a dream. Okay. I had a dream too. Now we're here. Okay. They were also concerned that the Mormons would ally themselves with the Indians. Now Porter himself as he grew older made a peculiar Mormon. He enjoyed three activities that were condemned by the Mormons. Drinking. Fucking. Smoking tobacco and swearing up a storm. Ah. He was also known to frequently snore so loudly during temple service that he became a regular source of amusement. Oh they're so Porter snoring away. Oh that limping snoring loser. The tale of two boys. The Rockwells were part of the

big blue branch and Porter operated a ferry on the big blue river with his father. Okay. Would he steal the would he be steering the boat in circles? I guess so yeah probably because he's got the one smaller one. Their home was the ferry master's house over the mouth of the big blue river where it emptied into the Missouri and Jackson County. It was here at the age of 19 that Porter met Luann Beebe. The two were married by the prophet himself. Ah that's nice. Yep. That's nice for Joseph Smith to stop being a prophet. Again persecution came but this time it

was Missouri style. Mobs came through the Mormon villages and killed, tormented and burned down homes. Now okay. Uh-huh. Maybe a little out of line. Well maybe a little over aggressive. I mean I don't know if they're really bothering people enough that you have to burn down their fucking houses just let them do their thing. Was that essentially it where they just essentially like they're so fucking annoying. Um there are several reasons I think I get into it here. Okay. So the first attack that Porter and his father were uh uh they were assaulted at their ferry home.

Which is a great name for a house. I wish it was F-A-R-Y home. Hello. Welcome. Soon after his first child was born Porter returned home one day to find his wife sitting in a pile of rubble victim of another Missouri mob raid. His entire home was gone as with the contents in it. It was just trashed. It was at this time that Porter vowed from that day forth to never again be unable to defend himself or his family. Uh-oh. He practiced with the pistols and rifles until he became a deadly shot. Okay. He even modified his pistols cutting

down the barrels and filing down the trigger guards so he could draw them quicker. Okay. There's also again though he'll always be aiming two inches to the left. Yeah because he's this uh part short half short. It's part short. There is also a split in the church at the time several high placed church leaders were excommunicated. Things were getting tense now both within the church and with the locals. Yeah. It was at this time that the prophet organized a band of men to obey the prophet whether right or wrong.

Okay. Yeah that's an interesting. No matter what I do. That's where that's definitely. You will defend me uh you go ahead in the back. What if you kill my horse? Daddy that is one of those things whatever I do. I can do no wrong. What if you fucked my wife? I mean whatever I do that is just something that the lord wanted. Okay. And you have to defend me. Okay. Even if it's anal. And by the way I'm gonna fuck your wife and kill your horse. Okay. This is a bad thing I'm entering into. It feels like

there's like a bad gig for me. Drink this blood. They first call themselves the daughters of Zion but quickly changed the name to two man Dan because it was a little more masculine. Sorry to sons of Dan. Sons of Dan. You gotta that's why you always want to have five five on the list of possible names. The daughters of Zion. Okay we're voting today. Gentlemen everyone get around. We got two names on the docket. We got uh sons of Dan and the daughters of Zion.

All right so take your pick. You want a shit sandwich or puke pasta. Put the name in the hat there. We will pick a name tonight. What's good is we know they're both really good names. Can we not. I have a question. Can we not be named after girls and then I have a follow-up question. Who the fuck is Dan? All right. There'll be no more questions. Let's get voting. The I mean the sons of Dan. Dan. Dan. It's like worse. It sounds like I mean that just sounds like an ABC family show.

The sons of Dan. You're watching the sons of Dan right after the new normal. Sons of Dan will be right back followed by an all new daughters of Zion. ABC Family Thursday nights. Its members became known as Danites. Oh wow they really are fucking off the tracks with this one. They had no branding skills whatsoever. You got me anxious. No they needed one. They needed one marketing guy. That's all they needed. It was believed that Porter was one of the leaders of the Danites and when the Missourians found out about his. This is like a dance troupe.

It's not. Okay. When the Missourians found out about this Mormon secret police they were outraged and so began the 1838 Mormon War. It is sometimes called the Missouri Mormon War to differentiate it from the Utah Mormon War and the Illinois Mormon War. Good. Good that they're peaceful people. Basically the Mormons had had it with they had enough shit. They'd take in a shit. They'd never the raiding parties and fucking mobs. One man Sidney Rigdon gave a speech. Rigdon declared that the Latter-day

Saints would no longer be driven from their homes by persecution from without or dissension from within and that if enemies came again to drive out the saints quote and that mob that comes on us to disturb us it shall be between us and them a war of extermination for we will follow them until the last drop of their blood is spilled or else they will have to exterminate us for we will carry the seat of war to their own houses and their own families and one party of the other shall be utterly destroyed so they were

yeah well again they were over it a guy had a dream yeah you know a guy went to sleep yeah he had a dream yeah let's have a war yeah yeah great the Danonites would go and have quite a reputation in the west years later the sacrament of daily union in 1857 would write the Danonites be having become obnoxious to the head of the Mormon church these are the Danonites as they are they are called but in reality a set of thieves and vagabonds from all parts of the earth fugitives from justice cut

throats murders ever ready to execute the will of those in authority over them no matter what the extent or how capricious the motive in short they are fiends in human shape who gloat with admiration on the flow of blood and exult in human glory afflicting by their own merciless hands okay so that might also be a little hyperbole it's a little that's that's tough but they basically created a death squad they created a squad to fight the fucking battles right and and these guys were

were like i'll do anything for you it's the worst kind of army well that's why you know religion always seems to bring out rationality and peace i agree you know it really definitely makes people um well it makes people kill let's be a letter from a danite quote if joseph joseph smith should tell me to kill us president marvin van buren i would immediately start and do my best to assassinate him and let the consequences be as they would okay so that's who they are again he had a dream

he went to sleep and saw something yeah let's kill martin van buren if we have to the daylights began warring with the missourians bands of one or the other would invade settlements burning houses killing cattle and plundering one day when some Mormons were being chased by a group of missouri wildcats porter had had enough he drew his two colt 32 caliber pistols out of his pants pocket wheeled his horse around put the reins in its teeth and wrote his horse horse straight into the angry bunch of missourians firing his guns all right he shot

some of them down and drove the rest away without suffering a scratch so that's a really good thing for a religious guy to do is to be able to get away with something batshit crazy yeah like that doesn't then leave but dave they didn't understand that joseph smith slept and saw something thanks to the mobs about 1200 homeless church members now lived in wagons or tents or or had so what point are you looking their own caves they

dug into the hillside what point are you looking at your significant other like the fuck make the right call i think we fucked up i mean look i'd like what he's saying but i also don't want to live in a cave hey we had a house in new york and house and now we've dug a hole in the side of a hill house we dug a hole inside of a hill and now we live in a hill that's your son playing with a mud teddy bear he made i gotta go to the bathroom i'm gonna use the rocks governor

lilburn w boggs from missouri issued what became known as the extermination order hmm probably not bug related stating quote the marmots must be treated as enemies and must be exterminated or driven from the state if necessary for the public peace the order was not rescinded until 1976 too soon so it was it was he legalized Mormon hunting yeah that's very that's what he did it's gotta be an interesting day soon after like if they said today like you know

like you like if they said today that you could legally go kill people you have to at least think for a second like it doesn't sound right it doesn't sound right but wouldn't you be like i mean i could legally kill someone i mean that's kind of interesting it's kind of cool i don't want to but it's a good but i know it's the sleeve she always comes back around on you it never never goes one way no you can kill your way out of that syndrome soon after joseph smith was captured and sent to liberty jail and the Mormons crossed from

missouri into illinois to escape the extermination order porter was joseph's most regular visitor he would empty the chamber pot what a what a guy i mean who empties in the guy's piss pot yeah uh pass edible food and water through the bars and he had even snuck in several pry bars and a couple of shovels to assist a possible escape now i don't know what's going on this jail and how they don't see that he's got bars and shovels in there yeah look under the cot well you also i would imagine in a jailbreak

scenario you're in or you're out i mean yeah it's not you shouldn't be sneaking in materials just to be like i just want you to know if you want to leave whenever dig dig dig just in case dig dig dig that's for you we'll see on the outside if not no big deal if you feel like things want to change these cards are really dumb they're clearly stupid um uh he continued sneaking stuff in until the day his shovel was knocked loose out of porter's coat and hit the floor clang clang while the guards stood shocked staring at the

fallen tool porter fled out the open door and that was his last visit to the jail over time the guards at liberty jail finally became convinced of joseph's innocence and they allowed him to escape and even let him buy one of the guards horses okay the saints began buying swamp infested land and built the city of navu illinois and in 1840 joseph smith was asked asked rockwell to be one of his navu bodyguards and porter accepted and replied your enemies are my enemies joseph all right

the Mormons built up their new colony again clearing ground and building cabins and were granted a charter for their city of navu allowing them a city council on municipal court and a militia quote at the disposal of the mayor in executing the laws and ordinances of the city and shall be entitled to their portion of public arms the state of illinois gave them three cannons 250 rifles because missouri authorities and bounty hunters were after joseph smith uh

he porter rockwell was his main bodyguard and prophesied that former missouri governor lilburn boggs would quote died by violent hands at the end of the year and that the destroying angel would do it by the right hand of his power it's a pretty destroying angel was porter's little nickname oh well that's an easy prophecy to make real yeah it's i think you're just saying my guy's gonna kill him yeah they really put a lot of bells and whistles on that they certainly did they really just that

pickup a lot of bells and whistles uh february 1842 tears after governor boggs had left office porter traveled back to independence missouri with his wife pregnant with their fourth child child who wanted to visit her parents there he got a job working with uh horses under the assume name of james brown wow you did not know this is going to become a music story no i can't wait to see so it's now this starts the is it true that he was the hardest working man in Mormonism that's what we're gonna get at okay then someone shot through the

window of the home of governor boggs who is no longer governor boggs he's ex-governor boggs but someone shoots through the window bogg was hit by large buck shot of four places two balls balls were lodged in his skull another lodged in his neck and a fourth entered his throat where boggs swallowed it hmm weird choice yeah it's gonna spit it out spit or swallow it whatever boggs was severely injured i think we already i didn't have to say that because that seems like yeah no when you said the the two balls went in the back of his head yeah uh several doctors boggs

brother being among them pronounce boggs as good as dead at least one newspaper ran obituary but everyone's great surprise boggs not only survived he gradually improved it's a shame because if he was in that weird limbo where his brain wasn't really working the tour that he could have gone on the money oh my god yeah parading him around the country a headless monster for nickels made 21st the quincy herald wig newspaper reported there are several rumors in circulation one of which throws the crime upon the

Mormons from the fact we suppose that mr boggs was governor at the time and no small degree instrumental in driving them from the state some Mormons saw the assassination attempt positively i would say all yeah i would say all let's be honest okay uh an anonymous contributor to the wasp which was a pro mormon newspaper great name killing it with the names our papers a wasp where the daughters of zion meet the danites they're the police uh the wasp wrote on may 28th that

boggs is undoubtedly killed according to report but who did the noble deed remains to be found out noble deed mm-hmm so this is pretty fair and balanced yeah they they seem like they're uh they're taking a side yeah okay that's cool i love that a guy who's no longer in power got shot through a window but okay i guess that's noble i mean the whole idea of noble just changed quite a bit but you know shooting a guy through a window the valor of it all is it because two shots on the back of the head just that's a beautiful thing just very noble

very noble a recently excommunicated Mormon john c benet made a number of controversial allegations that implemented the prophet and porter in the assassination attempt writing quote in 1841 joe smith predicted or prophesized in a public congregation in navu that boggs should die by violent hands within one year from one or two months prior to the attempted assassination of mr boggs mr p rockwell left navu for parts unknown i was then on terms of close intimacy with joe smith and asked him

where rockwell had gone gone said the prophet gone to fulfill the prophecy he yelled rockwell returned to navu the day before the report of the assassination reached there so i think that's circumstantial yeah we're calling it a prophecies really it's over the top yeah pushing it benet had been excommunicated from the church for adultery and an unauthorized that's fucked up you can't fuck someone you can't cheat on your life we're gonna go kill the ex-governor but even though there was polygamy you had to get um

permission to polygamy polygamize why why why you had to get permission to marry people even though it's polygamy so you couldn't just go around fucking and sucking what the hell fucking so go get your fucking fuck lice there's rules there's lazy prick there's rules to it yeah but that's fine jump through the hoop and then go jump through the hips so we got kicked out there are rules to all there's rules he could have followed but it's like it's like when a like it's like when an like a an athlete will test positive for like riddling or something and then

they'll get suspended it's like just go get a fucking prescription then you can do whatever the fuck you want yeah I agree thank you uh Bennett used his trust I'll be running for local profit Bennett used the his uh his uh trusted position as a doctor to allay fears of women he attempted to seduce telling him that he could cause abortions by administering medicine should they become pregnant that's a great uh I mean at least for me when I was single it was a great way to talk ladies in a bed yeah uh hey you're asleep with me you're at the bar

abortions are illegal in california you're totally legal I know a guy that can punch you in the stomach do you want to fuck you know it's I always think in the first 10 minutes you want to get out where you're at with abortion and how easy it is for you to make it happen how women want to hear that they want to hear like how will you take care of this before you get them and I just want that'll be fine uh I just want to let you know that I could easily perform an abortion oh Jesus uh while Bennett was mayor he was caught in

private sexual relations with women in the city he told the women in the practice which he termed spiritual wifery that it was sanctioned by God oh man wow you really got a what like wow whatever if there is anything up there or if we are apart like yeah we look like a bunch of assholes well just what I mean the anger like because oh yeah he's just sitting up there going no no you fuck I did not say that nobody I didn't say that so um I talked to God last night I'm supposed to

fuck you God's like God's like you need to be closer to the doctor and let the doctor inside of you and then also that he can do it as many times he want if you get a baby in you the doctor can take it out don't worry about that well handle the boy this is a quote this is a quote from God let the doctor fuck you and I mean he was serious and if if anything happens you know doctor go and take care of it and again I just want to let you know how easy I can make an abortion happen girl lady girl let me take that baby out you don't know

how good I am in abortions girl you don't even know the new stand-up album by Dave Antley an affidavit was issued by Boggs accusing Porter of shooting him and the reward was posted all right so now they're now they're going up to Rockwell they got it saying he's an assassin yep Rockwell decided to leave town while Smith stayed and ordered his militia if he was captured to quote without delay regardless of life or death rescue me out of their hands before Rockwell fled

uh his life went left with him but their children as was Mormon customs stayed within the church so they were sent to live with Porter's mother who was also in Navu okay Porter went to Pennsylvania where a fellow Mormon took him in and he wrote a letter to Joseph Smith for him because Porter couldn't write right I am requested by friend Porter Rockwell to inform you that he is in Philadelphia his health is good but his spirits are depressed caused by his being unable to obtain employment of any kind

he will wait here until he hears from you answer this as soon as received after not hearing from Joseph Porter headed to New Jersey and still unable to find work decided to return to Illinois in March as he was leaving a riverboat in St. Louis he was arrested okay as a result of the attempted murder a newsman dubbed Rockwell the destroying angel hmm that's when everyone else started calling him that Rockwell later threatened the writer for coming up with an awesome nickname

very very religious another side to Porter's character emerged during his trip to the Missouri jail the driver of the stagecoach was so drunk that he twice crashed it and instead of escaping Porter with his knowledge of horses and carts did the gentlemanly thing and repaired and rescued both the vehicle both times okay we're gonna put this back together you're gonna take me to jail okay do whatever you want I'm wasted but your plan seems shitty holy shit your hair is long uh that's the horse sir yeah he was then placed in jail

and soon underwent a sham trial the courthouse was crowded and a mob of 20 men were armed with hickory clubs while in court a pack of boys around 10 to 12 years of age attacked Porter kicking and punching him what despite finding no crime should be more like this yeah this is not a court this sounds good despite fighting no crime against him the magistrate committed him to prison for safe preservation but it wasn't really a real trial safe preservation yeah they were just they were like you're getting beat up by people so we're gonna keep you safe

that ten-year-old just hit you in the face go to jail you keep getting beat up by in the court I can't imagine what'll happen outside of the court so we're gonna put you in the jail all right a family lived in the corner of the jail and the woman once in a while used to send out a little black girl with a small basket okay she would pass a big Missouri whip stock with a piece of twine up to the prison window which Porter tied to the basket and dragged it through the window Porter recalls of his time in prison I made a pin hook and tied to the twine

and baited with a chunk of corn dodger hard enough to knock a negro down with and stuck it out of the graded window and fished for pukes a dragetory term for missourians when passerbys came along they would stop and gawk at me a while and pass on so he's trying to hit people in the head with something oh the prison window that's how he's feeling his time that's what he does he's just trying to hit people in the head or walk him by I gotta get it a preacher who had a family of girls lived on the opposite side of the street

the girls would watch and laugh and call out and ask me if I got any bites and I replied no but some glorious nibbles so he's a moron yeah Porter did attempt to escape once but when his cellmate got caught he walked back to the jail and told them where he had thrown the key that he stole from the guard how do you get I mean yeah okay after almost a year in prison he finally had an actual trial the real trial all right the grand jury was unable to find sufficient evidence to convict him because there is no evidence

other than a guy who said he went there he said that uh and they were not convinced by Porter's statement to the court I never shot anybody if I if I shoot they get shot he's still alive ain't he so I didn't do it it's a fair point he didn't die he ain't dead right I mean he got four bullets in him two in the head one in the neck places that would kill a man but he's alive but he's alive right I didn't do it that's some other dude right well he was however jailed for the attempted jailbreak

and sentenced to five minutes in prison in the county jail I mean what who the fuck he got a time out yeah it is a time out you got a time that's a tour that yeah okay just go ahead sit right there and we will keep time I hope you did like the little tick marks on the cell wall for a minute more one minute two minute wait where are we at shit man I've been in here so many minutes I can't even keep the minutes straight Porter you've been done for two minutes how long is this is it five

minutes yet it's been four minutes I can't take it man I'm gonna fuck my wife when I get out of here out of jail and with his shoes and tatters he had to walk most of the way from Missouri to navu his feet did get some relief when he hired a man for 75 cents to carry him for three days of the journey okay so uh-huh I don't know who's the weirder person I really who is I assume it's like one of those big dumb guys you know the guys that are

in the movies like yeah yeah sure I'll carry you how far they call me mongo mongo caring Porter you got 75 cent I take you over four heels that's a four-heel money amount mongo pick up Porter take him Porter love mongo mongo love Porter all right I got a roll man when Porter arrived in navu in 1842 can we just picture that mongo's with him for the rest of the story oh my god that'd be tremendous how can mongo not be it feels like like a disney film

mongo and porter mongo and porter why not a mongo I do like the idea that there's a time when it's just like legal giants were roaming all street and for quarters you can fucking go where you want hey I need to be carried to st louis my name big larry hey big larry we're gonna get a lot great you big dumb shit here's a dollar bill okay take me to new york fuckface uh uh when he arrived in navu in 1842 it was christmas day and he went straight to the prophet's mansion

where a party was underway oh good quote a man with a long beard and even longer shaggy hair apparently drunk came in and acted like a missourian a scuffle ensued and then the prophet had an opportunity to see this to see the stranger's face to his great surprise and joy he discovered his old friend oren porter rockwell the party came to order while rockwell related in detail his experiences and sufferings in Missouri it was here that the prophet proclaimed oren porter rockwell so long as

ye shall remain loyal and true to you the faith you need fear no enemy cut not thy hair and no bullet or blade can harm thee so basically he's a superman joseph smith had read the story of samson in the bible and not not being a man to have a lot of creativity he just met with that one good this prophecy would come to inspire its own folklore to the newspapers porter was the destroying angel of marmendome the chief of the danites and regarded as

one of the pleasantest murderers you could ever meet however the prophecy did nothing for porter's voice it was naturally high pitched oh man and when it became emotional joseph when it became emotional it raised to a high falsetto or an unnerving squeak as some called it as he's fucking limping around hey bet you want to die tonight oh god oh god what you say about joseph smith how do you believe in god if you sound like that and you can't walk right

porter settled in navu for some time and set up a slew i'm having the best time this is great don't get me angry you wouldn't want to see me angry he set up a saloon in the mansion house of joseph smith what he set up wasn't isn't that one of the things yes so what the fuck yes but he got to do whatever he wanted so he set up a saloon i got to do what he wanted and they were like you can do whatever you want he's like really i can do whatever i want jave i'm starting you can do whatever you want i'm starting to think porter's

not a mormon so he's not i don't think he believes not a mormon i don't think he believes in this he's a buddy he's a buddy he's not a mormon he's what we'd call bad cop it seems very unmormon like to set up a saloon in the prophet's house i can do whatever i want because of the murder wait a minute that's a murder how come i got kicked out for fucking that girl and this guy set up a saloon in your house set up a saloon it's not a wet bar it's not a decanter this is a saloon

in 1844 a rift developed between joseph smith and some of his close associates smith had them excommunicated oh god i really thought you were gonna say executed no the men then published a newspaper with a lot of polygamy talk and smith's response was to have the paper's press destroyed now so he's not only in the town he's not just the legislator but he's also like mayor like his official title so he's as the mayor he says to do that right so you know it's a this did not go over well with the locals

militias were mobilized in the end smith and his brother hyrum hyrum smith were arrested for treason they were then killed by by a mob while in custody in the city of carthage illinois okay joseph smith and hyrum smith are dead in 1846 religious tensions reached their peak and in 1848 mobs burned the latter-day saint temple in navu so shitsa shitsa not good yeah shits hit the bottoming out yeah joseph's gone there's a guy named hyrum who was fired

the death of the prophet turned porter as he was known aggressive and even belligerent so he went up a notch from shooting ex-governors and opening saloons into in in the house of the prophet to now being belligerent he's super porter he banished first wife and children and then took the wife of amos davis at gunpoint wow that's uh i mean he's getting better with you i'm taking that one but she's my wife sir not no more

yeah you seen clenice wood movies but i mean it is better than the abortion pickup yeah line i agree with that you know just have a gun i want i want hey that's my wife now i want you so bad i'm gonna i'm gonna put this gun in your husband's face dump them before woman might find that back in the day that might be like a god look at him look at the valor holy shit uh off the new couple went and within two months he was in the navu temple escorted by mrs davis but which three days later

porter's first wife was sealed to alpheus cutler in the same temple so it all worked out it's pretty gross well you know marriages happen things sure work they don't work sure in the chaos that ensued after the death of the prophet the Mormons often engaged in battles with mobs of non-mormons in september 16th 1845 rockwell was hastily deputized by the sheriff of handcock county illinois not a good idea the sheriff was a non-mormon but was friendly to the Mormons okay it's a lot of politics going on yeah the sheriff uh was being chased by an anti-mormon mob led by lieutenant

frank warrell okay who had been in charge of the militia unit that failed to protect joseph smith when he was murdered good yeah they have a good track record yep as soon as porter was deputized he fired a rifle ball into warrell's gut whoa a witness said to the victim he jumped three or four feet into the air and rolled away from his horse dead Jesus okay you're a deputy okay go boom oh um deputy yeah sorry legal fucking asshole this incident did nothing to improve relations between the Mormons and their

adversaries why not i don't know weird a few days later a mob of Mormons captured a man suspected of burning Mormon homes and castrated him Jesus sliced his throat caught off one of his ears and shot him two or three times okay honestly i mean overkill yeah literally the castration was enough for you well they're gonna kill him it's a bad all the ear all those things i described were bad yeah but if the ultimate if it's the end if the end game is death let's just get

to it i'm not gonna argue with you i need to remove him in testicles the Mormons and his ear well because you to i mean that feels like it was last minute it's just kind of one of the heat of the moment hey let's take that thing off fucking let's get the air too balls were so fun the Mormons realized you know if you cut up guys balls off you gotta pull them down like one guy has to hold the sack and the other guy has to slice or you could do it yourself but you do have to hold the sack well somebody's got to

watch the guy because you can't just you can't just cut off balls with a knife without the sack being taut and ready to go oh dude you have to pull it down and you saw it dude or else you're just like slapping at drapes with a sword somebody just dropped their sandwich listening Mormons realized they had to move again to to avoid further persecution the prophet's successor was Brigham Young who stated that God inspired him to gather his people and to head west to Utah Porter agreed to be a bodyguard for the new

prophet and when the Mormons began their exodus he was given the important task of carrying messages between those already on the way and those who had not yet departed the logic seems to have been that he would be hard to stop along the way so i think they were going with the idea that he couldn't be hurt i think they were still like they really that one can't be injured and then but if you're the prophet wouldn't you say i can't be injured and then you couldn't be killed like wouldn't you also say that about yourself

yeah but so he's going from Utah to Illinois yeah he's going back and forth okay uh while delivering a message Porter was captured by Gentiles in Navu and when the Illinois sheriff frisk Rockwell he discovered that Porter was carrying enough firepower to get off 71 pistol rounds before he would have to reload whoa that would have meant he had 10 to 12 loaded guns Jesus plus he had ramrods nipple pricks wadding nipple pricks i don't know it's something

it has something to do with a gun and shot which meant he was carrying about 40 pounds of steel Jesus uh limp he intimidated the witnesses and they let him go he also had a lip what were they intimidated by i can't imagine oh there's this one and this one oh oh this one more clunk here's another one clunk clunk clunk sorry i just spilled my nipple pricks oh i forgot this one i keep my salvagous here won't go more nipple pricks whatever these are there's some brown things here's some more nipple pricks uh Porter then became one of the pioneers

Brigham Young brought along to search for the site of the new Zion i like how the new Zion is really dictated by people wanting to murder them over yeah you know you think it would be a little more well the new Zion is in a place where people are burning their houses down yeah right exactly the new Zion is kind of wherever anyone will just leave them alone yeah is Zion where you rest your head is Zion Porter did much of the hunting and scouting on the trip during the trip some crow indians stole 50 head of cattle

from the expedition god these indians so Porter went out by himself and got eight of the cows back Jesus during the main Mormon Exodus travelers were assigned specific tasks William Clayton was appointed company scribe and was expected to record an accurate description of their journey and the distance they traveled each day after three weeks Clayton drew tired grew tired of personally counting the revolutions of a wagon wheel and computing the day's distance by multiplying that count by the wheel's circumference

so they had that guy who's traveling with them who they made count the turns of the wheel all day so could you imagine that your job no just counting the fucking no no is the answer after consulting with horses well you i'd be like i'm gonna find a different religion okay so i guess there were 40 or 800 turns i didn't i don't want to be a morban anymore yeah uh this is too much see i thought i was gonna get a saloon i thought i could be a danite

but i'm counting wheels yeah okay so fuck you guys later after consulting with orson prat and accomplished mathematician Clayton designed a mechanism consisting of a set of wooden cog wheels attached to the hub of the wagon wheel with the mechanism counting or recording by position the revolutions of the wheel okay clayton's design was called the rotometer and it is the basis for most modern odometers how about that shit all right a little side track there we go in 1847 salt lake city was barren

and the Mormons arrived with very little it was a desperate time and eventually an expedition was sent to california to try to purchase much needed supplies with porter along as a scout okay the planning of this expedition was utterly botched and in the end it wasted a lot of money without bringing in much in the way of food porter parted company with the commander of the expedition to go on another expedition to california to collect tiths from the californian Mormons tiths it's i think cash okay

rockwell apparently tried panning for gold but after finding the hard work of panning gold distasteful he opened three saloons good that's easier he learned quickly that miners were not stingy when it came to alcohol when porter hauled whiskey from sacramento by mule train he would arrive at hilltop above the town and blare his bugle okay his partner at the tavern would then fire a shot in the air it's all sounding really normal business sure classic business yeah just like this is what what they do with like a

car dealership yeah yeah no when they have the sale or something like that yeah they'll horn and shoot horn and shoot yeah horn and shoot yeah of course obviously we're saying the same thing gold panners along the river knew it was time to celebrate as time passed the patients were getting a little too rough support took off and returned to utah for protection he kept loaded pistols and a trained dog at his side when he traveled on horseback the dog rode behind him with its paws on its shoulders on his shoulders

oh like that he's got the dog on his shoulder like that it's a great fucking sign coming up really like holy shit it's a dog coming and then it would be oh no there's got a dog on a guy i thought you were a floating dog now that guy rolls into town yeah i'm listening to the prophet shit yeah whatever that guy says he's got a guy's riding a horse and he's got a dog fucking tandem and behind him uh-huh you gotta i'm a little i'm a little more open yeah i'm totally open uh and and the dog would also go and search the trail for trouble

ahead and it was trained to lick his face instead of barking when it returned okay which was the silent dog alarm he an adorable alarm is one that did the silent dog alarm that is well you can now get it home depot yeah in 1849 porter was named deputy marshal for the provincial state of desert is that another desert was their ideal sort of state so if you go look at all names of desert you will see it's a biblical you will see like the state that like

carves up a large portions of utah and like maybe arizona and certainly a lot of uh divata like it's this giant thing that they wanted is their country sure their compound uh the state of desert was a provincial state of the united states proposed in 1849 by settlers from the church of jesus of latter-day saints in salt lake city the provincial state existed for slightly over two years but was never recognized by the u.s government why i can't imagine why i don't know it seems it seems like it's good

yeah it seems like there'd be no issues just one more star in 1850 he was appointed a utah deputy sheriff for life with territory-wide jurisdiction i mean terrible there is a story of a horse thief that that stole one of the best horses in the valley after porter found the thief on the horse the thief pointed his gun right at porter porter was faster though and killed him first a reward of gold was offered by the horse's owner but reporter refused the reward seeing it was just in the line of duty hey

that's how i do it's my job you don't gotta pay me i don't need no tip i don't need your money i don't need your money you got a beer you like that whiskey oh hold on i'm gonna go let my dog get the horse porter also led a volunteer company of 16 men to go against the ute indians to settle a contract dispute under the command of porter the posse tracked down ten utes and immediately charged the indians were soon taken prisoner and were being taken back to settlements uh oddly the posse failed to disarm them

hmm that's interesting no damn them said porter we will make them pack their own guns questionable i feel like i feel like not a lot of thinking went in that decision no should we take their guns hell no those are heavy no yeah make make them carry their heavy cumbersome guns wait wait do you see a problem with this plan i'm in charge yeah that is the indians soon fought back what because they still had guns killing one of the posse and all but four of them escaped

okay i can't believe that didn't go well no well you learned a lesson there take the guns take the guns you take the guns the heaviness doesn't matter you take the goddamn gun port and some of the posse took the four remaining ute prisoners of skull valley rockwell decided then it was unwise to turn the four men loose quote to commit more depredations and perhaps shed the blood of some useful citizen uh-huh so the prisoners were quote sacrificed to the natural instincts of self-defense okay they

murdered them in the desert that's interesting and buried them that's interesting so if they just taking away the fucking guns in the first place i don't agree you know no no no i still think if you really look at it it's a good plan these heathens who if you give if you take prisoner in a battle they will try to kill you if you give them things to kill you with that's how crazy the again the nerve of these indians just the fucking also when you say contract dispute

i think that anytime you hear that when it comes to native americans what the dispute is is that they are not signing the contract or or they're holding to their part of yeah or yeah or they're just like no it's this contract says we get half and you get half right but now we want all and we want you to have none okay in uh 18 quit disputing this contract they're disputing listen to them in 1854 rockwell married mary and neff who was about half his age all right she born a daughter in march 1855

and another in august 1856 soon after the birth of that first child came yet another side to border's character he had until then worn his hair very long but during a trip to california he met the widow of one of joseph smith's brothers who had lost her hair from typhoid fever okay having nothing else to do for her porter cut his hair and made her a wig to replace her missing hair now sweet thought i am guessing that it looked really awesome yeah because this guy clearly knew how to make a nice

wig absolutely everything you've said is leading us to the moment of the perfect wig yeah well this is where he goes on to be a hairdresser oh good okay he kind of zoe hands it out a little bit now porter then went into hiding for some time until his hair grew back fearing that he might be able to be killed without his hair what do you remember when joseph smith said the thing about his long hair and the samson business he literally the bible the samson story from the bible but he's also invincible this samson story from the

bible okay okay all right that's what he's doing now it's all a do-over does this lady joseph smith's the new jesus it's all a do-over so he's the new samson it's all they're just redo it all i'm playing it all makes sense they're playing bible i just hope this woman really appreciates what he went through i agree he didn't just cut his hair he wouldn't leave his house porter also claimed that after he cut his hair he could no longer control his urge to drink and swear like he could before

fuck i can't stop with the fucking whiskey now now that my goddamn fucking shit of hair is gone all i can fucking do is sit here and shit ass drink this fucking with god and i'm also swearing i mean it's really fucked up i'm listening to myself right now like what the fuck am i doing like what the fuck is my fucking problem you know what i mean yeah i'd love some of that whiskey give me a smoke your fucking piece of shit anyway listen i cut my fucking hair i cut my fucking hair

i feel different i feel different okay i feel different uh as porter's legend grew so did the interest from gunslingers who thought they could kill the invincible Mormon once he reportedly dodged the rapid fire of several outlaws then returned fire with deadly accuracy a witness recalled when the smoke cleared he shook himself like a great shaggy bear and several pistol balls of various calibers fell from the folds of his ill-fitting homespun coat

another time a young gunslinger got the job on rockwell say your prayers he demanded walk well rockwell replied you wouldn't try and shoot a man without a cap on your pistol would you now it was common at the time for the priming cap to fall off a ball pistol so while while riding a horse so because they're on a horse is jostling around the the priming cap would fall from then the gun couldn't shoot or maybe it could but something would happen so anyway the gun was just a social faux pas yeah the gun i think it would make the

either it makes the gun have a problem or it can't shoot but either way you don't want to shoot it okay the gunslinger made the mistake of looking down at his gun and then he was shot off his saddle by a porter all right so he had some smarts yep uh one day a pint-sized but very drunk irishman named flanigan well shot costed rockwell in the street and asked him i eat portraits of rockwell i think we can't we can't irish accents are in 60 percent of the dollars oh 60 we just are able to find it

when rockwell said yes flanigan replied well then by god you're the man whose underwear returned to bullets and i've been called by god to put it to to the proof teaser revelation you understand so flanigan flanigan flanigan flanigan flanigan calm down i'm talking like a porter yeah i know it's a good porter flanigan produced a large pistol and stuck it in rockwell's mouth the irishman began to proclaim many and varied obscenities concerning porter go he sucked that fucking gun sucked that gun

smoke it yeah you like it yeah oh shit that's oh that's a fucking don't look at that hey oh christ you gotta purr him out you do oh no it'd be so sweet oh it's like the whiskey going in there work the handle a little bit with your other hand okay there you go play with the handle oh that's a gun fill up with the handle while you're sucking oh do you like it i'm gonna shoot do you like it i'm gonna shoot i'm gonna shoot who's a leprechaun wait what wait what

alas but on this occasion porter did not seem to have the total and complete confidence of prophecy and he endured the 10 minute drunken rant of the irishman without replying the irishman then let him go that's how you beat an irish guy let him talk himself out oh god i guess i'm tired i can't even remember what i fucking came over here in the first place to be trying to be honest why is me god in your mouth the fuck are we talking about what's it in there i owe you a fucking apology i do

fuck me based on my 80 oh lord in 1857 the president of the united states james b canin thought there was a mormon rebellion against the united states so he ordered an army to come to utah to fight against them and to replace brigham young as governor but there wasn't any rebellion so brigham young ordered porter rockwell to slow them down without killing any soldiers porter succeeded by visiting the government camp at night silently tapping pins out of their wagon wheels

and scattering their horses i mean it's a bad movie yeah it is slapstick in 1858 the conflict ended when they found out the mormons were loyal to the u.s government and brigham young accepted president Buchanan's apology for his invitation this would be known in political circles as Buchanan's blunder hmm yeah during the time porter was involved in an attack on a half dozen californians known as the achon party the party consisted of six professional gamblers

gamblers from california coming from the easy pickens coming for the easy pickens of the rubes in utah yeah my heart my heart skipped a beat on that way i hear you they were attacked west of salt lake and four of them killed instantly the other two apparently escaped and were never heard from again however the testimony of alice lamb indicates they were killed in their bodies thrown into a large spring near the road she adds that the party was only stunned by the first shot when porter rockwell

stepped up placed a pistol to one of the gamblers ears and said this never misses and literally blew his brains out oh so he just wrote he just came up behind them fucking blew one of their heads off and then shot the rest of them this never misses boom that's a good tag that's a good line the marmons believed that the party of gamblers carried with them quote powders to drug mormon women and that they deserve death anyhow okay so they were much of cosby's rolling in yeah a fucking team of cosby's

as relations between the Mormons and the u.s government improved porter began to look for a way to pick up money he started with a mail carrying service sure i mean what else yeah well we need more of those and also opened up the rockwell's hot springs brewery hotel wow he's really he knows he knows where that butter that but it certainly does that would be the first brewery established in utah porter brood beer and a special type of mormon whiskey called valley tan whiskey mark twain reviewed the whiskey in his wild west travelogue roughing it

valentine is a kind of whiskey or first cousin to it is of mormon invention and manufactured only in utah tradition says it is made of imported fire and brimstone indeed the mormon curated valley tan was soon sweeping the west by storm with prominent figures like twain and rockwell drunkenly singing its praises praises well of course he is because he owns it yeah porter also sold valley tan whiskey for a dollar a bottle which seems like a lot for back then maybe i'm crazy maybe it's not but it's uh and if he was in the right mood he would

entertain travelers with tales of the outlaws he had trailed or the horse thieves he had captured it was porter's fame as a mountain man that attracted the explorer richard francis burton to him in 1860 on his trip across america to the west coast burton stopped to explore salt lake city and its environments he stayed with a bishop in a village near the city one evening and the bishop invited porter rockwell to dinner porter sent for a bottle of valley tan whiskey and he and burton drank shot for shot into the night

with portlor outlining steps that burton should take for safety during his passage to sacramento porter advised burton to carry a loaded double barreled shotgun sleep in a dark camp never trust appearances and to avoid the main trail where the white indians prayed on travelers white indians white indians were the nickname given white robbers who disguise themselves as indians to pass off the blame it's fucked up but if you're called white indians it's not working no it doesn't seem like it is

yeah it was this night i'm a regular indian what are you talking about it was this night that the that porter's use of the word wheat was first recorded while the explorer was drinking with porter he heard him say wheat because he enjoyed the contents of his glass rockwell is also said to have used the phrase old wheat in the mill in referring to an easy task and that saddle is wheat apparently meeting it was good so wheat meant sweet and it was also known to

scream wheat as a war cry okay so what didn't wheat mean i think i think he might be a moron yeah i think he might be like uh did you ever see the stan the movie read the book the guys always like yeah moon yeah moon yeah oh moon he's like that guy i'm gonna start saying wheat more in 1862 porter played an integral role in what is known as the bear river massacre as a white friend of the shoe shone porter knew the location of the indian camp and is reported to have led

calpher units of the second regimen california volunteer calvary to its location so that's cool he was friends with them but he's like yeah we can go kill him sure the reg they're good friends the regiment showed up and commenced firing and the indians were slaughtered like wild rabbits seeing themselves vastly outnumber the shoe shone began jumping into the freezing river in an attempt to escape no one was spared men women and children were killed chief bear hunter was known as the leader by the soldiers he was kicked and tortured and finally because he would not cry out

had a burning hot rifle bayonet run through his ears oh my god 450 men women and children oh my god so he he did that he's part of that he helped out with that i can't get over how running bear no bear uh chief bear hunter chief bear hunter yeah he took a hot poker between the ears fucking hey porter's infamy continued to grow indians feared him saying that it was impossible to kill him cowboys and outlaws sang songs about him around cap fires newspapers reported uh crediting him with 40 or so murders

life then seemed to calm down for some time for porter and it appears that he mostly sold alcohol living quietly as a man in that occupation although he once threw one of his assistant bartenders through a window yeah but it's game yeah that makes sense you gotta give weight crash he also managed to get a steak and a silver mine that became the successful rockwell mining company oh dude i thought like in my head i pictured meat i was like steak in a mine

i was like he opened like a steak he had a steakhouse in a mine he was an adventurous man have the canary taste at first he also uh was still a lawman because he was a lawman for life yeah no you can't shake it now as an eastbound eastbound stage coach uh made its way from riverbed to simpson springs carrying 40 000 in gold its driver spotted the body of a man lying in the sparse stage by the side of the road he stopped the coach while the shotgun guard climbed down to see what had happened this is the stupidest

idea that anyone has ever had just keep going okay dead body or it's not if it is well it's not when the guy rolled the body over he suddenly found himself looking into the business end of a cocked six shoot the drivers made to throw down the box after which he and the guard minus their guns were told to get going the robbie was ported uh at simpson springs and the following day porter rockwell was on the trail he found the tracks of a hidden horse which the outlaws had used to carry the heavy loot he tracked it southward

to a camp near the west trinnick mountains rockwell observed the camp for two days until he saw the outlaw walk into the cedars several times each time returning with a sack of coins stolen from the stage rockwell arrested him and after loading the loot took the outlaw to point lookout station where he entrusted the prisoner to a stable boy while he slept after three days and nights on the trail he makes a lot of really shitty decisions not a good call with the criminals

he has yeah i mean he you're a stable boy you want to watch this guy i'm actually pretty unstable i i like to be around horses because people make me feel weird all right you're perfect don't let this guy fuck with anything i feel weird there you go rockwell slept the outlaw escaped what i know but the marshal was soon on his trail again and followed him all the way to montana where he killed him all right finally it was only after that job it was only after rockwell returned from the chase

that he learned the outlaw had only time to dig up part of the stagecoach loot before he was arrested a sack containing 10 000 and gold was still missing even to this day people search for it oh wow near that area where he was no one that area right now it just has to have so many psychos there with metal detectors fuck man if i can just catch a break um in 1869 the vice president of the united states shillier colfax my favorite vp came to salt lake city and gave a speech he condemned the practice of polygamy and the generally

exclusive non-american policy of Mormon leaders he also called porter a killer porter objected yeah how dare he and yelled out i never killed anyone who didn't need killing well that's a good defense he was then said to occasionally yell that out throughout the entire speech wait so after one time he just kept throughout the rest of the speech i never did that killing nobody didn't need that porter porter porter okay relax porter porter porter porter porter porter porter porter porter porter

porter good reader porter for the love of porter wow wait wait i took a fourth wife who was his former housekeeper she was uh 34 years 59 god she's really just they made three girls oh christ with the the parts i know how it works one died after birth this was pretty standard uh porter was never brought to account for any of his shit while brigham young was alive because they're brigham young was like yeah this is the fucking guy yeah

after young died however rockwell was charged with the murder of john aiken and arrested in 1877 the lawyers attempted to prepare prepare his defense uh met with frustration his answer every question they asked was wait wait did you uh no tell us about the aiken situation wait that's not true no it's true what he we he just kept saying we it's it's his personal response which had several meetings one of which was bullshit okay so you come up on aiken and then what do you do

what wait wait oh i dropped the ball that i'm sorry you certainly did you're tired i am released on $15,000 bail he died of natural causes in 1878 at the age of 64 hey oh disappointing the uh many outlaws who wanted to kill him even though there were many attempts on his life the prophecy of joseph smith still came true no bullet or blade ever harmed porter rockwell he's buried in the salt lake city cemetery from an obituary at the time porter rockwell was that most terrible instrument that can be handled by

fanaticism a powerful physical nature welded him to a mind of very narrow perceptions intense convictions and changeless tenacity in his build he was a gladiator in his humor a Yankee lumberman in his memory a bourbon in his vengeance an indian a strange mixture only to be found on the american continent that's from future leader of the church joseph smith at porter rockwell's funeral wow oh this is from that right porter rockwell was

yesterday afternoon ushered into heaven clothed with immortality and eternal life and crowned with all glory which belongs to a departed saint he has his little faults but porter's life on earth taken together was worthy of example and reflected honor upon the church though all his trials he had never once forgotten his obligations to his brethren and gone at the time of his death he was the oldest living member of the church of latter-day saints one of his old saddles is still on display at the hutchins museum the

stirrups are adjusted at two different lengths to accommodate his shorter leg there's a bar called porter's place in utah that is dedicated to honoring the heritage of porter rockwell there is a bronze statue of old port located by the cast register and two other large statues of them one is a lifestyle sculpture behind the bar in front of the lehigh legacy center the other is a larger than life statue at the porter rockwell business park in bluffdale utah there he go wow there he go why but why isn't it weird how you can like

it's just so fucking weird how if it's under the guise of religion then you're able to a lot it's okay to murder like then you don't like why why is that i don't fucking know why can you why is this guy get statues well to some people he's a hero right that's what i mean though but you get if you're a hero to some you get a statue yeah but he's a hero to them because he was a murderer well i mean he's definitely a murderer but they needed that's what they needed

at the time they were at war yeah but because they're crazy but i don't i don't think Mormons are any crazier than any other religion i just don't i i do and the reason why is because of how recent it's like science it's like a Scientology in a way it doesn't matter it all has to start somewhere well it's all bullshit any religion is bullshit and it doesn't matter that it's fresher than than when jesus was walking or Muhammad it's just it's just but we just we but we have more like recent evidence to how much

bullshit here it is but anybody who is charismatic really a leader if you're about a person who has that leader thing oh you're looking at one right now baby people are always like i'll follow you people are always like i'll follow you wherever you go bro like you tell me what you need i'll follow you to the gates of hell like i've always been a natural born leader and i thank you for bringing it up it's not and i appreciate the compliment i don't even remember what we were talking about yeah that's not it thank

you now what it is is that i like i used to enjoy Louisville college basketball when i was young and and when i one day i was on a tour and i was doing a show at Louisville and the person was like oh you're a Louisville fan you want to meet the coach and i was like yeah sure that'd be cool and that was the first time i was ever around a guy i was like oh right like they just have this insane presence that you just go whatever you say man what's going on like there are just

people out there that have a thing okay and that can start a religion okay but i think it's like i i don't understand why killing in the name of religion makes it better but it's it's the same as killing in the name of anything else that's when people were all like it isn't though because it makes it better because oj simpson's not going to get a fucking statue outside of oj's bar yeah but there are plenty of people who kill someone and our heroes if you kill a

child molester you're or or if you kill a gang member who's a bad guy like there's so many people who've been killed throughout history that has nothing to do with religion they just kill someone else and everyone goes fuck yeah that's how it should be it's all the fucking time but i think you but we i i feel like as a society we the religious ones we continue to celebrate like you can publicly be like well some religions we do and some religions we don't we don't celebrate there are people who you know them

the the guys who killed the french cartoonists they're celebrated by some and not by the other but well but that's reversed yeah but that and someone shot someone because of jesus like like take the thing made out of the jesus painting made out of shit in brooklyn like that was like 10 or 15 years ago if someone killed that artist don't you think there would be a shitload of christians going but that's but that's what i i'm not saying that everybody

but that's why what i what is bothersome is that it if it's your if it's your religion yeah then killing is okay but it's also if it's your town if it's like if you are if you are in 1942 uh take oregon you're in oregon in 1942 and one of your boys are half your town comes home in coffins and then a fucking asian dude comes rolling through and he's like hey can you help me out somewhere and they're like we're fucking interning you

and you shoot him that town is like fuck yeah you did a righteous thing yeah it's i don't think i don't think i mean you but it's very it's very much religion well nothing's killed more people than religion i agree with that but i also think you can go through history and find shitloads of times when people just killed and everyone's like that was awesome and it had nothing to do with religion someone should do a podcast about that sort of thing all right all right we tried yeah that was porter rockwell

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