The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 740 - Ferdinand Ward - Live

Episode Date: June 23, 2026

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Ferdinand Ward. Recorded live in Buffalo.SOURCESTOUR DATESOFFICIAL MERCHNutrafol - Use code: DollopSQUARESPACE - Use OFFER CODE: DOLLOP to save 10%See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We're each week, I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a goober. Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. November 21st, 1851. Not that excited for the year. No. Really tapered. Ferdinand DeWalton Ward, Jr. was born to Ferdinand Sr.

And Jane in Rochester, New York. His father believed his family were, quote, more upright, more principled, more godly, and perhaps as a. reward for all that conspicuous virtue bound to be more successful because of their ancestral heroic Puritan piety of which they are, which they were never for an hour ashamed. So they were a proud Puritan. Yeah.

Good for them. Wouldn't you be? Yeah. Well, that's a long way of saying in the 18, what is it, 20s we're in? We're in 1851. Whatever. The point is, it's a long way of saying we're white. It's a long rambling.

We're white. Ferdinand Sr. used his pulpit to criticize those who went against his strict Protestant rules. Mother Jane believed she was gross and ugly. Okay, so Mother Jane, as a kid, was skinny and had kind of a hump on her back. Oh, okay. And she hated her big hands and big feet. Oh, shit. And a letter to her daughter.

she wrote, quote, When I am dead, please don't let my hands be laid across my breast, but close to my sides. Whoa. I didn't know you could give tit directions in the funeral. Yeah. Don't Madonna my titties.

Allow me them to be at my sides. Because her hands are so big. Well, she thought they were. Right, yeah. By 39, she was sick, suffering from fatigue, debilitated nerves, settled neuralgia, neuralgia, rheumatic joints, recurring fevers, shooting pains, and more.

Oh, more, cool. So it's like a compilation CD they sell on TV. And more. She spent weeks at a time at a water cure facility. That's good. She got pregnant with Ferdie and she called her life useless and despaired about her marriage. and so this is the home that Ferdy was raised in. That's awesome.

Well, that's... So Ferdy grew up feeling dread. Why do you think? I don't know. What do you think that was about? I have no idea. Okay. He was small and frail.

He had cholera as a baby and was a sick kid with fevers that led to convulsions. Okay. Hell yeah. Yeah, it's good. Awesome. Good start. His mom checked him into treatment for longer...

Sorry, his mom checked into treatment for longer, longer periods. So she keeps going to the water. She's going to the bath place again? I need to go to the bath place for a few more months. It's time to get really wet again. I got to, well, not really wet. When I say really wet, I mean, have a half bath, a head bath, a no bath, and then a sit bath. You'll be fine.

The douche one? Yeah, the douche one's the last one. Yeah. That's when you know you're getting better because you don't even need the water therapy. You just sit on the tile, tank to tile. And you just sit there and you just kind of put. your hand near it. And then you know, when your hand prunes, you're good.

Nothing else will. Sometimes I put my bottom in the head bath and I don't tell the next fella. Ever tell you about that? I'll just spin around in the head bath and then the next guy will come in. See what he thinks. And then I'll go over a sit one. And sometimes I put my head in the sit one just to know what that fellow went through. It's called empathy.

There's not really a, like, a, like a syllabus or something like that, but you just go in there and figure it out. So I put my parts in the head bath, and then I put my mouth in the sit bath, and then in the... Honestly, sometimes I go butt up in the half-dush. Oh, okay, I know what happened.

I think that ends our intake for today. Okay. Thank you. I've one more confession. Okay. Sometimes I drink the head bath water. Noted. you guys do really good work here

thanks all we do is just put water in bowls and then people and people act like fucking idiots we had no idea we were just like what if we put water in bowls and call it a hospital and people fell for it so now everyone's just coming here and putting in body parts thank you thousand dollars so she spent her sixth

his sixth Christmas in a facility and wrote him to pray for her. What a great letter. Oh. Merry Christmas. Pray for me. She told them she would die if he didn't pray enough. If you don't pray enough, I will die. It's called parenting.

I'll know. Good Lord. I'll be in the half-dush. If I die, it's on you. Jesus Christ. He was so scared that his brother and sister took him to the facility to get water cure of sight. No! What? Oh, my son. Hello. Don't put your head in the head bath.

Trust mother. People threw cold water buckets at him and wrapped him so tightly in wet sheets that only his head was free to move for an hour a day. What the fuck? So Ferdie became a nervous wreck. Why? Why? I don't know.

Once he got home, a doctor ordered him to be homebound. Homebound. In sheets? No, just stay here. Jesus Christ. I don't have to get wet all the time. No, no, not wet. Just stay home. No, you're not going to get wet.

Don't turn out of... Just stay home. Just stay home. You just get to stay home. Take a shower. Now and then want to. Go to bed. Get under the blanket.

Christ. Chill out. Did I tell you, I went to visit mom? How's she doing? I heard that long. So Ferdie learned a valuable lesson. Don't talk to mom. Ever.

Being sick or... faking sick would always, quote, win his mother's anxious sympathy and help him avoid doing things he did not wish to do. Pretty good, though. That's what we call a seed. During the Civil War, Ferdinand Sr. was a union... He can't make it to the war. He's got a cold. Ferdinette Sr. was a union chaplain.

An older brother, Will, was on a gunboat. It was traumatic for Ferdie. He was his mother's only companion, and she filled him with dread and anxiety. Also, a big wave of lethal diarrhea ravaged the village. Jesus Christ. Village had diarrhea? Now, what was the other part? Before the village had diarrhea? A wave of lethal diarrhea at the village.

I remember that part before that. Ferdie saw kids he'd played with die. No, you didn't even said that one before. What did you say before the diarrhea village? Oh, that... Did she put all the dread into him? He was the only one with his mom, so she just filled him up to dread and fear. She's like, I'll give you a stress hump.

Yeah, and then diarrhea came on top of it. I remember. The village had diarrhea. So dysentery. I mean, yeah, but diarrhea is more fun. Like, you can't buy a dysentery video. I don't think you should be buying any of these videos. Science.

That's not a write-off. Well, I just did it on this show, didn't I? So now it's a write-off. And this is... Yes. Yeah, I'm a history guy. I have a show about history. So I had to buy a lot of diarrhea stuff.

Well, I'm showing here you about 4,200 videos. HD. 1080. And it's just all diarrhea? Yeah. Or pictures of it, yeah. A wave of diarrhea hit the Internet. What are you doing with your fingers?

Jack. At 1530 blamed bad grades on near sightedness, and his parents took him out of school. Well, that's it. He can't be taught. We could move him in the... No, don't move him. It's over.

His time here is over. It's crazy that we even put him here. He feared that school would damage his eyes. Yeah, school is bad... I'll tell you from experience, school's terrible for your eyes. I didn't know that was a rational excuse. I would have totally used that for truancy.

I can't see it. How will I learn if I can't see, Mama? Take me to the shower. So back in home, he blew up his tutor and instead made a four-page monthly periodical of bad jokes and riddles. He wrote that. He wrote that. Do you want one example?

Yes. Yes. A man in Illinois was so absent-minded that on retiring, he put his boots to bed and sent himself outside the door. What that man's hands off. Wow. That is one mixed up gentleman.

My boots are in bed and I'm outside. His parents sent him to see a preacher. The sweet singer of Methodism. He was there to get his head straight. I guess he sang and he was a Methodist. I'm cocaine Ted Cruz.

But instead, Ferdy came back more rebellious and stubborn. Looks like the Munster's grandpa didn't get it going for him. So when Ferdy came back, he spent money that wasn't his, and he ran up bills, and his mom wouldn't pay, and his mom would pay them to keep him out of trouble. Isn't he in trouble? And he never showed any remorse for the bills. Okay. His parents then said...

Unlike this city. Sorry about that. His parents then sent him to a fancy boys' school to become a clergyman. That always... It sounds like he's got all the baby. By the way, for sure. Definitely. He's ready for the priesthood. Father, give me some holy water.

The other boys did not trust him. One said he was, quote, one of those fellows whom you could never tell whether they are telling the truth or not. Well, I think it was just another moment where I got confused. You know? No. Well, see, I tried to put myself to bed, but instead I robbed you. Yeah, that seems... What?

Look, I was mixed up. It doesn't sound at all. I meant to give you breakfast in bed, but instead I beat you with a suitcase full of books. Yes, it took my money. Shut the fuck up. Okay. Jeez. What?

Nothing? Yeah, I bet it was nothing. Okay. Talk to me like that. Can you stop cracking your neck? I don't need to stop cracking my neck. All right. Got a bump on my back that I'm a little worried about.

Have you considered bathing your back? Yeah, of course I have. I've got a back pool. It's just, I have a genetic disposition to maybe have a hump. Do you think there's a connection between water cures and Joe Rogan getting into an ice bath? Who? Joseph Rogan, that man from down. the way?

Who spends all his time in the streets on a soapbox? Shouting about 50% of things that sound logical? And then the other 50% that don't on a smaller soapbox is a little boy named Jamie. Yeah. Who, when he points out the truth of Joseph, Joseph just casts him aside and says, let me talk to this man who clearly doesn't know anything.

What's wrong with you? So Ferddy got in trouble for rough housing and profaning on the Sabbath. He was miserable, so he faked an illness, saying schoolwork was once again damaging his eyes. I don't know why he went back to school. He already knew that he had this. True. Maybe it had been enough time, though. Well, he probably wanted to try again.

Maybe if I just sit further away. Which one's nearsightedness again? I think I fucked it up. I would have learned that if my eyes worked. Somehow he got an ophthalmologist to believe he was going blind and the school sent him home. I feel like that's a pretty good one to pull off, though. Like an ophthalmologist is not going to be like, you're faking it.

You're like, you swear to God you can't see that? I can't. You have a really bad vision, dude. Terrible. Who's there? It's me, the ophthalmologist. Oh, I can't. All I see is...

You can't, now, can you, look at the letters in front of you. What letters? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So back in home, he apprenticed with a carpenter. Sure, definitely, you don't need vision for that job. His parents hoped he was now walking the path of Christ. Uh-oh.

But a classmate said he, quote, spent all his time with the young ladies. If the word had been coined, he would have been known today as a, he would have been known that in the day as a dude. A dude. A dude. He was very extravagant and always running up bills for his parents to pay. He bought luxuries on credit, monogram handkerchiefs, trinkets for girls, and quote, unauthorized buggy rides. Oh my God.

Yeah, once more through the park, you know what I mean? Is this authorized? No. Well, that was a crazy answer. Do you want a naughty buggy ride? I thought I was driving the buggy. No, not anymore. What a strange turn today's taking.

We're both going to be driving, you know what I mean? I don't really understand, but okay. Merchants began having him pay up front, so he started borrowing. He used money from one guy to pay back another, and this greatly embarrassed his parents and caused gossip. Two more boarding schools ended in expellings. Why does he keep going? back. His parents are sending him.

But he's like, Mom, Dad, I told you, I can't see. How many times do you have to go through this? So dad got him a real job, clerk at the Meridian National Bank in Indianapolis. Not good. Why would you send this motherfucker to a bank? He was fired after two weeks. Oh, okay.

Quote, he smoked and whistled on the job. Young men with such weaknesses could not be trusted around money. I pretty much picture this time period. as nothing more than smoking and whistling. Right? Yeah.

Like the idea that in a bank they were like, have you no dignity? Well, didn't they all work? Because if you're working with wood, I think you legally have to whistle at that point. Oh my God. That is so fucking... What?

Terrible. You're whittling and whistling? You're not whittling in the bank. Yeah, banks back then were all whittling. They would have a whittle window. for the small people. That's whittling, by the way. Go over to the whittle window over there.

How are you? I'd like to make a tiny deposit. So he bounced from gig to gig. He was hanging out with a fast crowd. Uh-oh. So he mooched off his parents. They couldn't afford it, and he still did it. When his older brother got a job at the Manhattan Produce Exchange, so he gets a job there. And he works long hours. He gets a promotion.

But he's miserable because he doesn't like working. Right. He wrote home complaining about his eyes. That's the craziest thing to do. I can't see anymore. Mom, dad, everyone back home, period. It's been very difficult on me. Sometimes I can't see in front of me.

Language has once again alluded me, period. I think I'm writing this on my leg. End quote. A doctor had told him that a painful boil on his neck had been caused by city air. What do you mean what? That's normal. It's just city living.

Yeah. But he stayed in New York because... I got a city boil. Is that that scooter? He stayed in New York because he was making so much money. And he starts now by going by Ferd. It's worse. That is the worst fucking shortening...

It's horrible. Ferdinand is your name, right? Yeah. It's great. Ferd? Ferdy? Okay. How could it be more turd?

He wanted the fighter things in life, but not to work for it. The only answer was to marry a rich broad. Ait champion Green was a pretty Sunday school teacher at the church where he became a treasurer. And her dad worked as director for two banks. Perfect. It is perfect. Ferd almost immediately got her dad into bad investments. And then the father demanded Ferd clear his debts before the engagement.

So he rode his mom and got a little cash to buy some nice clothes and an engagement ring. But wait, that's not undoing the debt. So the guy's like, you better pay me before the wedding motherfucker. I'm your father-in-law. And then he writes to his mom, he's like, I need new clothes. And she was like, okay. And he was like, ooh, that was close. Hey!

Well, because he just asked her to marry him. Right. Without getting rid of the dead. Yeah, sure. I'll just cut through the... I don't need him. Because once she's locked in, then they're stuck. Right.

So the Green family was very shocked by the engagement because it had been so fast. But after reassuring letters from Ferd's family, they came around. But the wedding was pushed for over a year due to what Ferd's dad called, quote, queerness and wrongness. Now, queerness has had quite a linguistic journey.

So what sort of, we don't know? Yeah, well, wrongness we get. I think queerness is just like, you're off. Right, okay, right. Then suddenly, Ferd has a lot of... I really would, I would like to start a petition to go back to Ferdy, if it all possible. Ferd. Respect the man.

I'm not going to dead name him. How dare you? All of a sudden, he has a lot of money to not only pay off his debts, but to buy himself a gold watch and a $7,500 pearl necklace for Ella. Holy shit. That's her money, though, basically. No. He got it.

Didn't come from her. He was embezzling from the church. That's how you get something nice for a lady. That's awesome. It's called caring. Yeah, that is. That's nice. That's very nice. But the head of the church refused to let him resign because he liked Ferd so much. Look, I'm having a lot of trouble seeing. I need to get out of here.

Let me go. Would you really fire a blind man? Three months after the wedding, Ella's dad died. The overwhelmed older brother put control of the family fortune and the hands. of 26-year-old fur. Holy shit. So he convinces Ella's mom to let him spend 300,000 on produce exchange certificates. 300,000?

Then money. Yeah. Holy shit. What is that in today? Two bazillion? New York... Street fix... I can't read it.

I can't read it. New York Produce Exchange. That's what it is. It's a certificate. I don't think I should be here. So this little piece of business brings a nice, tidy piece of profit for Ferd. And they're really good investments. In five years, it's worth over $4.5 million.

Back then money. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Or it would have been if he'd actually bought them. But he didn't. What did he do? He just took it? They were probably like,

You're a fucking genius. What a financial wizard. It's probably after taxes, it's not going to be worth that much. After taxes and they take their cut, it's not going to be worth a ton. Judge me, I've been through this a bunch. They just fuck you on both ends.

It's crazy. Yeah, he just put it in his personal account. That's how you do it. It's called business. Yeah. Hell yeah. And then Ferd turned his sights on Ella's dad's old boss.

He can't turn his sights on anything. Well, he turned his head. He turned all of his other heightened senses. His hearing, his sense of taste and smell. On who? On Ella's dad's old boss. Up the chain. He's president of the Marine Bank.

His name is James D. Fish. He's a real saltburn guy. Fish was famous for being conservative and always paying back what he owed. Ferd begged Fish to help him take care of the family. family. Ferd and Fish sounds like a Disney show. Yeah. The best way to take care of the family?

Buy produce exchange certificates. The money? Buy them this time. No, they go right into Ferd's personal account. So those certificates, they're just like counterfeited certificates? No, the certificates are real. They're real. He's just not buying them when he says he was.

Where do you get him? You just go to a guy's like, I got them. Oh, I don't think he ever shows him to him personally. Oh, he just goes, yeah, you have them now. Even better. But Ferd always promptly repaid fish half of the profits, which is just cash from the green estate. So he's just moving money around.

Real Ponzi. It's good. Yeah. His brother Will, Ferd's brother will. Ferd's brother will. So we have one fird and a will. Ferd and a will. Worked at the Assayers office and was friends with Ulysses S. Grant Jr.

Known as Buck. Quote, Otest, retiring lad, as sensitive and kindly as a girl. Okay. The language is so loaded. He's diseased with what we call empathy. He's the curse of a woman. He liked to hug and laugh.

He was a real lady boy. Always down to listen. And when he'd listen, he really would. Kind of like a boring old wife. Happiness was what. he saw it. What a fucking loser. Will assayed a silver mine in Colorado for Buck

and when he reported it was good Buck, his dad and others, invested. Do you want to wear a helmet when you go down there, Buck? I'll be fine. And Will got furred in on the ground floor and he made 25 times what he invested. Who did? Ferd?

Will? No. They all did because it's through this gold mine. But it's real? Yeah, it's real. Oh, this happened. Because, I mean, yeah, that's all real. Okay. So they're rich, and Ferd had a handsome dividend every month in addition to Ella's family estate. So he's making a lot of money.

Sure. And he spent. Big mansion, art, Oriental rugs, jewelry, renovated his parents' house. I like that's on the list. Yeah. Eventually. Do you think that we could maybe get a new bed? Jesus Christ, fine, shut up.

A couple of bucks over there. In July 1880, he and Buck opened up a brokerage firm. Ferd is a managing partner, so he'd sign the checks, keep the books, conduct regular business. It's what you want. You want that guy in charge of the money. And if they needed someone to run through a wall, that was Buck's job. Old Buck could drill to the center of the earth if he spanned fast enough. Sweet old Bucky boy. Well, this is great timing because at this point,

Ferd is flat broke. He's been spending all the money. He's been pocketing money instead of investing it, and that doesn't really turn a profit. And buying tons of shit doesn't help. So Ferd convinces Buck to put in $3 million promising he would match it. He didn't, of course. How did he lose it all? Ferd would pay Buck back his profits.

So he is paying people back and saying this is your, and whatever, every month you're making this much money. And so he'd be giving people a little bits of money like they are making money. But he's obviously holding on, he has no money, really. No, he's spending all his money. Right. Buck was pleased, and he told his dad Ulysses S. Grant to get in on it. Get in, dad. Now, rich oligarchs had given Grant, senior, $11 million.

for his union service. Wow. Well, thank you, right? Well, thank you. Yeah, right. That's, yeah, of course. Well, if anyone after the Civil War was owed money, it was the white generals.

Thank you. Yeah. Called reparations. Someone finally said it. Now, it's the system rights itself. He had shown a, quote, fatal inability to recognize dishonesty among those who had purported to be

friends. Wow. He once had his... That's a big problem! He once had his savings... I don't believe anyone I like lies. He once had his savings drained by a fast-talking soldier and traded a 60-acre farm for a house that was not

owned by the guy who traded it. Oh, Ulysses, I think you've got a lot of promise. I think you got a lot of promise of what you got. The problem with you is you don't have enough you don't have enough space. You got to have a little space. You know, you've got too many expansive things. You're not like a guy who needs a quick decision. Uh-huh.

You know, you're not maybe a 30,000-foot overview kind of guy. You're the kind of guy who just needs maybe a house. Like, if you want to put your acreage, I would suggest you turn it in for something like that. Leave your hand alone. It's fine. I'm just getting the circulation back. Shut the fuck up. I was just going to say that maybe the thing you should do is just downsize a little bit.

That'll give you less thing you have to focus on. That way you could focus on the things in front of you. Then once you've accomplished those things, it's not going to feel like you're climbing a mountain anymore. You're just going to feel like, oh, yeah, I'm on the downside. May as well get in a toboggan and go all the way down there, something like that. So that's why it might be a good idea for you to get a tiny little house. One of those little houses that they put on HGTV, something like that. You get inside one of those.

You give me those big 60 acres, and I own that house. I'll show you the deed, fuckface. And then you get all this acreage. You get that off your back. You can have the ability to focus. Hey, put it right there. Can you feel your hand or not you are? Gareth Adelip is brought to you by Squarespace.

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You can go there and check out the dates that he has coming up. Head to Squarespace.com slash dollop for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com slash dollop for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer to go dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Garrett, the dollop is also brought to you by Nutrifle. Baby, baby, baby. Garrett Nutriful is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand

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And then everything else was reinvested, which was needed because Ferd hadn't invested a dime, and Fish demanded to be paid every month. So now other Wall Street vets they're scared about this, and they're all in love with Ferd. It's so crazy that these Wall Street fuchs have been the same culture.

the entire time. Never stopped. Did you hear her? She's got a new plate. You could get your blood done at Walgreens. She's a genius. All she wears is black. It's perfect. Give us the money. That's your economy.

One of them said, quote, to all of us, he seemed a lusty good-natured boy. He's a grown man, first of all. Ferd. With Grant's money, Ferd bought another mansion, 22 rooms, gardens, a fountain stables, and a windmill.

And a windmill? He didn't live there. What a fucking prick. You don't get a windmill if you're not living there. That's a rule. No, that's the best place to have a windmill. Wrong. What are you, what are you, Trump?

In your second house. I'll get lung cancer. Well, he had an Irish couple live there and care for it. And the greenhouse, because the greenhouse from that, that house was filled with roses, which they would cut and put in his Brooklyn home year-round roses. So he

had a mansion with an Irish couple that was pretty much just for roses? We got a nice little deal having we here, Maude. What a gig we've got! I'll tell you what, we stepped in shit and it turned out to be gold, I tell you.

Now quiet with your lip in there. Cut more those roses. We don't want to mess up the gravy train. You let's ESS CRUD tied into yards still. But by 1882 things were bad. Buck had invested money in companies, but only to help old friends rather than going for profit, and it cost the brokerage $30 million in today's money.

So the lesson is don't help? Yes. Take. I bet every time he had to loan money, he probably took the top of his head off and just like pulled out something. I mean, that's why he's called Buck. Yeah, that's right. I thought that might hit a little.

No, it was pretty bad. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I thought there'd be like three or four people would be like, that's pretty good. Bringing the show to a halt. Yeah, everybody felt pretty against that one. Well, they're all feeling like me. Lucky.

So the brokerage hasn't made money for two years. Is that bad? Well, it is bad because Ferd is cooking the books to show the partners and taking out loans on the same property over and over to pay the previous loan. Right. Which is great. Right.

No, that's, yeah, that's always worked out historically well. Yeah. Now, it wasn't quite illegal because everyone's getting paid. Right. But he hit it. Everyone is? Well, this is, there's no, there's, haven't been Ponzi schemes yet. So there's no.

I think there has been one right now. Well, this one. Yeah. But up until now, no one's thought of, doing this. Right. That's the greatest thing. So they don't have laws to prepare for something that they didn't think anybody would be crazy. Sweet God. Okay, so he's hit it from his partners and the customers. Every single person but Fish who was loaning money via his bank. And then, and by that, Fish doesn't know about all the criminality. He just knows that they're not making

money. So he thinks he's putting money into the brokerage. So then the stock market turns. And all of a sudden, all the creditors are demanding payment. Can you imagine a time like that? Investors calling in loans. Third quote, I was in a corner. These people held our paper. They expected their tremendous profits,

and I was anxious to retain the reputation I had gained. It's great that we have a quote from him. but he's like, I was officially fucked. Like, this is the beginning of the movie. I meant you're wondering how I got here. We're in the third act. Now, that was better. Fuck off.

No, no, no, do not encourage it. It's like, you don't remember the buck thing a minute ago. I've been watered. Yes. My hand is soaketh. I think we might revisit the buck joke, by the way. I've done some retooling on it. I think it's got good legs and a good head.

Good out, everybody. This began Ferd's operation of, quote, the imaginary business. I got a... It's a lot of business. I have to get off of Twitter because so many things just sound like his voice to me now. Yeah. Well, the imaginary business is AI.

I mean, honestly, yeah, right. He convinced Fish that the jackpot was in government contracts. So they used Grant's name. So they use his name without his knowledge to lure companies in, and Fish set up a separate accounting system for bank examiners and to keep Grant from finding out. How the fuck? It's fine.

It's not fine. Would I be reading this story if it wasn't fun? fine. I mean, it's already not fine. It's fine. Okay. God damn it, it's fine. Oh, I can't see.

I'm now just mad he's on the 50. That's just shocking. That is true. So, the money goes directly into Ferd's new pyramid scheme. Pass investors are paid from the fresh deposits of the new Roobes, and Fish and Ferd, they have like a father-son.

That pyramid? It's kind of pyramid. It feels like Ponzi pyramid. He's bringing in new people. Right. And then they put money in. Right. And Fish and Ferd, they have a father-son type relationship.

They would eat breakfast together every morning. They'd stay up late, working. So they are BFFing hard. They're BFFing, yeah. But now Ferd felt he had to keep fish in the dark. They don't like that. No. They targeted the city government and got paid almost 50 million in deposits.

Ferd gave investors 10 to 20% profit a month, and the investors then just lined up. A Democratic senator said... Here we go. A Democratic... We will write him a letter. Demanding that he continue. Sorry, I got thrown off.

We will win! A Democratic... Democratic Senator said Ferd should be the Secretary of the Treasury. He's literally about to be. They called him the Young Napoleon of Wall Street. What? Do people

Fuck yeah. Young Napoleon. He's fucking great. Ella gave birth to their first child a son. Oh no. Ferdinand Grant Ward. Ferd is 32. at this point. Wow. That is so early.

Two days later... After the birth? Yes. Uh-oh. He transferred the house's title to his brother-in-law for a dollar. And then he put it in Ella's name because he sees the incoming and was hoping just to have a house to live in. Fuck me.

That Irish couple. Poor bastards didn't see it coming. We don't need to take classes for the last time we've got the beautiful gig. Oh my God. Lift it up, Donnie. Quote, he grew still thinner, still more pale, and seemed always on the move, racing between his office, the Marine Bank, and the offices of investors and city officials

all over southern Manhattan. Uh-oh. Then the city comptroller got sick, and he came back, and he had a change of mind, and they realized having so much money in one small bank was not good. He had put $20 million in today's cash. I'm sorry, he had $20 million in today's cash withdrawn all at once. Wow. And the bank was already overdrawn by $16 million.

What is the point of them? You're not a bank anymore. You're not, you've stopped being a bank. Hey, do you know a place that has a bunch of money? Yes, you. What? We're like a little short this month. Can you help us figure it out?

We don't have it, okay? At the same time, you think we keep it all. You know what's in the vault. That's where we... Jesus, you guys don't even know what a bank is. Let's just agree that we all learned a lot of lessons along the way. Yeah.

And that going forward, we should continue to be allowed to do business. The same way, say, you... No. We're never serious when we do that at the dollop. One day we might be. Under rubble. When you shout today's date. So Ferd goes bananas.

He's running around trying to find cash to make the bank and grant and ward solvent. He convinces to grovel at the feet of will. William Vanderbilt for a personal loan. That is so fucking pathetic. That is so crazy. Yeah. To give the Ulysses S. Grant to go kiss a Vanderbilt's shoes. And he's like, okay, where do I go?

Well, he's ruined also. Yeah, but still, it's a pretty bad ending. Oh, it's not over. The money that he got from Vailterbilt was not enough. Gigs up. So Ferd just goes and hides that day. Didn't know that was an option. Yep.

Oki dokey. He went and hunkered down... That bird in a tree? For sure, bird. Eggs. In the nest. Oh, shit. He went and hunkered down

in the Brooklyn Club's reading room. I've read some books. You know what? I haven't finished this. And he took a last carriage ride through the park with Ella. A last one. Ha!

Does she know it's the last one? I haven't fought hard. A little bit. That's great. What's that? That's great. Yeah. Are you okay?

Okay. What's that? Have you heard the noise I used to make when I was a kid? Well, no, I wasn't around there. Oh, are you okay? Listen, you seem stressed out. Let's go back. I'll dry you a nice warm bath.

Maybe we could just put your feet in some water. Why? No, you just soak your head in some stuff. Just because it has die in the name, it doesn't mean you could pass away from it. You can't. No, you can't. Who died from diarrhea?

You know of a city that died from diarrhea? That's why I'm... Makes a lot of sense. They all died. The next morning, a crowd... By the way, when you say you can't die from diarrhea, like two people... I know, two people who are like...

Sir, sir. You are giving Maha information out at your show. Diarrhea is a deadly symptom of many diseases. Quit RFK Jr. I would love to honestly just think. You cannot die from diarrhea. And then Rogan's like, I didn't know that. Wow.

No, you're unable to. Jamie, can you? Jamie hung himself 45 minutes ago. Diarrhea is a sign that you're getting healthy. It's all the bad part of vitamins leaving. You can die, sir, you can die from diarrhea. People listen to the dollop for medical advice. So the next morning, a crowd of angry depositors surrounded the bank,

but the doors were shut. Smart. I didn't know you could do that. We're closed on Tuesdays for a while. The stock market plunged. Several prominent brokerage houses went down. A financial panic had set in. At noon, Grant showed up to Grant and Ward on crutches because he had slipped on ice.

Oh, God. And the crowd parted. A reporter, quote, nobody followed him or spoke to him, but everyone in the cynical hard-boiled group took. took off his hat. Respect to a former chief magistrate as spontaneous recognition of the immense personal tragedy

which was enacting itself before our eyes. Oh, fuck me. You can get through glass. Well, they let Grant in and he told the clerk, quote, I'll suck your dick for one of my dollars. I'll show you the way our Army boys used to do it.

tell Vanderbilt I can go higher than the shoe He once tied me to a tree because I wouldn't stop sucking dick Grant, have some goddamn dignity, sir. I had my hand tied to a tree because I tried to suck my way out of another jam. Ulysses, shut up! Don't get us out of this, Manhattan.

Don't worry, Manhattan. I got us out of slavery, I can get us out of this one. You're about to know the golden mouth of Grant. Call me Fort Knox, because I'm about to get full of some of that bank of gold. Mr. Grant, we are closed. Well, my mouth is open. Back alley. Mr. Grant, stop.

Maybe you could just give me $30. Please. Grant went in and told the clerk. a quote, I have made it the rule of my life to trust a man long after other people gave him up. But I don't see how I can ever trust

another human being again. That is, I mean, for a bank, that is some dark shit to say to a quote. What account were you looking at this? So is it a deposit or withdrawal? It feels like

everything's been withdrawn from the bank of Grant lately. How about I deposit my heart? I trusted a man who took everything from me, and the only currency left is the soul, but even that feels hollowed and emptied out. We're closed. Can I deposit eternal darkness?

Yeah, just fill out one of the slips. Fill out a slip, we still have slips. When he left home that morning, he believed he was a millionaire, and we got home in the evening, he had $80 in his pocket, and his wife had another $130. There was nothing else. Oh, my God.

U.S. Ferd's shadowiest investors demanded a meeting. They had invested $20 million and wanted it, or they wanted everything Ferd owned. Ellis signed over the Brooklyn home. They moved into her mom's house. Seven detectives watched to ensure he didn't run for it. At 8.30 p.m., a cab sped into the driveway,

and Ferd ran out, hopped in, and told the driver to head for the ferry. The agents surrounded the car. The bank examiner estimated they owed around $500 million, but he only had $2 million. Is that a lot? That's a lot. There's a big difference there. but also the cab run and being stopped immediately

is such a glorious moment. To the ferry! Hello, detective. I didn't realize, so are you all here still? I didn't realize you could actually stand in front of the cab. When I say the ferry, I did not mean the ferry. I said, no, wow, you guys are, you're still here. You guys work long hours. Have you met my uncle Ulysses?

I call a monk. I call a monk. You know what? I don't actually want to go to the ferry. Who called you here, taxi? This cab driver's a criminal. You guys stay in good shape. And you have to.

I respect the hell out of what you boys do. Truth be told, I'm an undercover cop myself. This whole thing was just an undercover sting. And we finally got our man, this cab driver. Or wait, Ulysses S. Grant. My wife, my baby, my dead dad. Did you know you can't live from diarrhea? That night, Ferd went to Fish's house to explain everything.

He stammered that he couldn't resist temptation, and he wished someone had stopped him. I hope he said it like the mask. Fish screamed in him that Ferd had ruined his family and destroyed his reputation, quote, I said to him that I could kill him if he were not such a contemptible, miserable viper. Thank you.

Fish picked up a chair and raised it up to hit Ferd who crumpled on the floor and begged not to be killed. Fish did not hit him, quote, I advised him to go and commit suicide. The old diarrhea. The New York Times called for Ferd and Fish's arrest. The first lawsuit came a week after the crash from a cross-examiner, quote, So then the real nature of your business consisted in discounting the fanciful prospects of imaginary

profits to be derived from fictitious contracts founded on manufactured artificial contributions of altogether imaginary money. Is that so? You'll have to say that a little, clearer, I'm near-sighted. So I'm unable to understand what you're saying. Where are we, by the way? Is this a doctor's office? After the lawyer said this,

all the lawyers in the room laughed and Ferd did too, because there was really... Same team, same team, same team, we're all on the same. Same team. Same team.

Same team. Legally, we're on the same team. Same team. Come on. Same team. We're on the same team. Taxi! Well, he laughed because there was nothing he could say.

Like he was cooked. Yeah, he was like, ha, ha. Oh, fuck, man. Shit. This is my only life. Ferred was arrested the next day. On what grounds? I don't know.

What did he do wrong, I guess? We're all scratching our heads. Helping people? Yeah, making a difference. Everybody got their money. Yeah, especially grant. Yes. Grant got a grant at $180.

He would stay in like a rich guy jail hotel thing. Yeah. The sheriff had to be there, and for some reason the sheriff's dad. The sheriff's... My son's... signed the weirdest contract of all time. There's a dad clause in some law

enforcement, which we did not, no, we didn't know about it. So, so unfortunately every time he ate my boys here, I have to be here, too. I'm 81. He paid, I don't know how he did this. He paid by using other people's

money. How? I don't know. It's people who are still behind him. Ferd, quote, I didn't like the arrangement at all, especially at the steep price I was paying. Motherfucker, what are you talking about? $3,000 a week.

It's crazy. I mean, nobody has any idea what it's like to take a financial hit like this. Three grand a week. The New York Times said, quote, his reception room has soft, sofas and lounging chairs scattered about a marble-topped center table. I'm in hell.

Oh. The jailkeeper... Someone wrap me in wet sheets. The jailkeeper declared emphatically that the rooms were cooler than any hotel in the city. He had his dog. Oh, I see. He got the Galane. A piano for sing-alongs? A piano for sing-alongs.

What the fuck? A barrel of Havanaugh... Sorry, I thought I was going to... a jail. You're in a jail. A one. A two. Same team. Same team. We're all on. Come on. A barrel of Havana cigars. A barrel. It is not a unit of measurement. What? Even Castro was like, that's not how we do it. A barrel of cigars. Is he a looney tune? And wood for the three fireplace.

Three fireplaces. His wife, brother, and friends visited, for $500 the sheriff or warden would take him out. To the theater, casino, a carriage ride. What in the Jeff Epstein? Jail is awesome.

I mean, why would you leave? For $500 you can leave. For $500 you can hang out here. We're going to have a half-dush orgy. At the same time, Grant was writing articles about the war to make money. He was shrunken, gray, and emaciated, and then he found a lesion on his tongue, which was cancer.

Oh, fuck me. Fish was found guilty on 12 counts a year later. Ferd was not indicted. Nobody wanted to testify because they'd look guilty or stupid. Which still happens today when people get taken. A lot of people don't want to come forward. because it'll look like morons. The idea in this country in 2026,

you don't want to look stupid. Well, they all came here to watch this. You idiots. You fools. Especially these guys. Dave, leave them alone. Christ. You get Dave's computer.

I got to delete some stuff. This is a lot of diarrhea pictures. videos. Excuse me. Gareth, the summer changes how I dress. I just, I start dressing differently. I want, I want lighter clothes.

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Listen to the Quince tuplets. Now available to Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash dollop for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash dollop. Ulysses Grant died. The Washington Post called Ferd not just, quote, the plunderer of Grant, but also his murderer. Ferd said he was, quote, the best hated man in the U.S.

I mean You know what we should This is what we should have Just a list of people We should be allowed to dig up We should be able to dig up Like a thousand people From American history

And just really go kick them around Notes, thoughts? More. Yeah, I agree. I agree, I agree, more people. 10,000 people that we could dig up 100%. It's all. we have.

Yeah. So companies were now using Ferdin ads like a dry goods merchant in Reno. Quote, Ferdinand Ward

is said to be an expert in robbing Peter to pay Paul. Not so with Gallatin and Fulsome for they give their customers a fair shake

on every proposition. It's like it's like Rob Blagojevic where he's like I'm a goofball. This is my favorite gum. On October 19th, the bigger changes, bigger charges on Ferd were dropped.

One witness was too ill. The other went to Peru. That's not an excuse. And the third was just named in a separate indictment. So those are the three big witnesses. Sorry, I'll be in Peru. When will you be back? Peru!

Well, he's out. The prosecutor did. decided to pursue a lesser charge of grand larceny, which is a 10-year max sentence. Fish was the main witness. Now Ferd was moved from a swanky jailhouse suite to the dank city jail known as the tombs. Excuse me, where's the hot tub?

Wow. Oh, my God, that's just a man. His name's hot tub? Get in. No? Wrong. On the way, Ferd and the warden

stopped for a final drink. In the tombs, Ferd refused to speak to common criminals and had his dinner served to his cell. What, is that, that's an option? I guess.

I'll dine in. Can I have the ribs? The trial was quick. Ferd was found guilty and got ten years, hard labor at Sing Sing. But money from his family and

remaining friends bought him special privileges, a cushy job counting shirts in the laundry where they had puppies that he got to play with. What? A man can't play with a puppy? No.

It's called hard time. How do I get in? Free laundry and dogs? he he got an orantal rug for his cell. He spent Thanksgiving at a feast with other white-collar criminals that turned into a rowdy, drunken poker game.

But then he became obsessed with getting money. Specifically money. He continued. Some money. Specifically from Ella. Uh-oh. His wife. How much acid did you take before this event?

You can die from diarrhea. What's jail? That's our Jamie. Jimmy, look that up. How? Never mind. So he would only talk to Ella about money. He asked her to remove a diamond from her favorite brooch to pawn it,

and she offered the diamond from her wedding ring because she, quote, didn't care about it anymore. Okay, that's fair. That's hurtful. That's very hurtful. She changed their son's name from Ferdinand to Clarence. Not great. Not a great switch, honestly. Ferd got a job in the prison print shop.

And then Ella died. Probably from tonics given by a doctor. Just half a tonic on your bottom. Then his mom and dad died. No one left him a dime. and left everything to their son, and so Ferd was pissed, and he decided to get the money.

I've been ripped off. You can't take advantage of me. What the hell? He decided to get money back. He would take back his son. I love my boy. I miss my boy. Hey, give me a hug.

My little... I don't like you. I love you so much, son. Wanted me to sheriff's daddy? Hey, let's go to the bank. Let's go to the, what do you say we go to the bank? He was released after six and a half years, and as he walked out, he said to reporters, quote, I'm off to see my boy.

Oh, that's a red flag. Young Clarence was a good, quiet, and kind kid. He met Ferd at the train station. He was living with Ferd's in-laws, so Ella's sister and brother, or sister. and brother-in-law or brother and sister-in-law, but related to Ella. Right. Either way, a brother and sister

were married. Yes. A reporter said he was, quote, gazing fondly into his son's face, the sweetest sight his eye had seen for six and a half long years. Well, he can't see. I'm trying to figure out

if this is my son. That's a house plan. Oh, he's gorgeous. Is there any money in it? But after 24, hours, Furred left. And when he returned, it was not to see Clarence, but instead to court Fanny,

the teenage daughter of a local rich man. So he must have been seeing, when he was with Clarence, he must have seen a young teenage girl and was like, boom. Dad, you're right, we should rekindle our relationship. It's been too long, and there has been a, well, miss a piece of me, honestly. Who's that hot piece of ass?

the young one with the money, the money around her. That's a child. Yeah. Oh my God. No, don't say it. That's better. Just breathe. She looks like she's full of money.

Bad fact checking. After a little bit, he left again. And then his in-laws starting getting bills from all over town because he had been running around spending money, stables, merchants, dentists, and the money was all. He's just got a grill. Look, here's the fan. He said that his brother and sister-in-law would pay for it all.

So Ferd's brother-in-law is forced to pay, and his sister-in-law writes him a grow-the-fuck-up letter and that they were going to keep Clarence from him. Who? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. No. No.

Wrote back, quote, Did it ever occur to you that the... The treatment of my own family and friends has caused this trouble. I suffer now, but mocked my words, as long as you keep my boy from me, you will never be happy. Signed, Ferdinand. Sinclair. Sinclair. Sinclair.

Sinclair. Ferdin. Hope you guys are good. He wrote letters to everyone that boiled down to, you all killed me, but it's fine because I wish I was dead. Okay. He told the in-laws that he was going to snatch Clarence. And on September 12th, 1894, Clarence was walking to school when a buggy pulled up beside him. Quote, good morning, Clarence, your father wants to see you.

But the in-laws had coached him for this moment. And he screamed, quote, I don't want to go. Is this the day kidnapping got invented? Yeah. It's not how you do it. We'd like to take you somewhere, boy. No. Okay.

Shit. It's a shrew. shame? A man grabbed him by the throat and squeezed. Clarence's cousin ran home to get her parents and then it chased began. And the kidnappers got to the hotel

Ferd was staying in, but he wasn't there. He had taken this moment to go get a shave. A little bit thick on here. Yeah. That's time. It's fucking... I'll tell you, my neck is smooth. Now, when are you going to go get the bullet? What? Oh, God.

His brother-in-law and the local constable arrived and took Clarence home. Ferd's in-laws then sued and won custody of Clarence. Outside court, they were met by thunderous applause from all of their neighbors and supporters. Now, Ferd moved back to Genizio, which is where he grew up, with... What? Sorry. Is there... You think you're better than him? What is it?

Geneseo? Wow, what a difference. I'm glad we got that out of the way. For some town, nobody gives a flying fuck about it. Even the people there are like, I don't know. At least you'll never forget about it. I will absolutely never forget. So Ferd moved back to Genizio, where he grew up.

A new wife, who turned out to have been his longtime mistress. He opened a carpentry shop and got a job. as a clerk, he did not write Clarence for seven years. Then, on Clarence's 21st birthday, because that's probably the day he could get all the money, right? He wrote, he wanted to meet with Clarence, who was at Princeton now,

and Ferd meets and tells him to turn over the estate. Clarence said he had to speak to his lawyer, and Ferd left furious, and then wrote letters to his son, telling him he wasn't a real man, and that if he didn't fork it over, he will come to grief. But such a lame threat. You'll feel bad.

Give me everything. Give me your mansion. Clarence held strong. Then five years of lawsuits and desperate moves from Ferd followed. The dumbest was Ferd convincing a warehouse owner to sue him so he could declare bankruptcy so the warehouse owner could collect jewels that Furred thought Clarence had to pay off

the lawsuit. It doesn't matter, it's fucking dumb. The reason you said what is because it makes no sense. It's a crazy person doing something. This did not work for many reasons, the biggest being that Clarence had no access to any jewels. Oh, shit. I thought I had him that time.

Well, now I'm just bankrupt. What do I get? Nothing. Furred outlived all his enemies. His siblings, Fish, his in-laws. And he... Yeah, Fish is the character from earlier.

Some of your bewilderment needs to be contained inside of your head for the rest of the show. We have... I don't know what page we're on. I'm guessing we're nearing the sources. Until then, there will be no more exclamatory what-wens

house. Fish? Fish? Like the salmon? Ferd finally succumbed to nephritis. The what? In a boarding house in White Plains, New York on March 3rd, 1925. He was 73. When asked about Ferd, his niece

who'd lent him $500, said, quote, I knew him well and liked him immensely, he could charm the birds from the trees. That's how you get birds out of trees. Would you like a better life? You know those tiny houses we built for you? What if I offered you one that was enormous?

All the straw and floss you can find. That's it. Fucking A. He's quite a dude. That's like the first Ponzi scheme. Yeah, that feels like the first. It's maybe the best Ponzi scheme, too. But the Ponzi scheme is named after a Ponzi scheme, which we already did one on.

Yeah. It's named after a Ponzi. John Ponzi. Yeah, Frank Ponzi. Frank Ponzi. Frank Ponzirella. Frank Ponzirello. Yo, you'll give it to me and I'll give it to him.

Don't even worry about it. But this is like the first big Wall Street fraud. Anyway, written in research by Josh Androwski and one source, A Disposition to Be Rich by Jeffrey C. Ward. It also sounds. It just, the feeling that these things will end is always hampered by episodes such as this one. Yeah.

Because it never ends. It'll never end. We just want health care. We're not like, we're really... Just want health care. Like, they can just keep doing whatever. It's like the... No more co-pay?

It's like the jail he's in that's like a fancy suite. And they just made that because rich guys were going to jail. And they're like, yeah, but... We make money off of it, and it's like, who fucking cares? Put it in the tombs. But they always have a thing. They're fine. Yeah.

Always fine. Even when you get their emails, and you're like, what the fuck? Then they're like, shut the fuck up. And you're like, are you winning? This is crazy. Although he did die poor in a boarding house, so that's good. It's not enough. It's not enough.

We should be able to play his bones on a xylophon. We'll end on this. Number one, you want to dig up if you're on your list, on your wish list. Who's your fantasy first round? It's still Oliver Cromwell. It's always going to be Oliver Cromwell. I want Reagan. That's a good one.

It's a good one. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. Appreciate it. The rest of the night. Thank you.