The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 89 - The Past Times with Naomi Ekperigin

Episode Date: August 30, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian and writer Naomi Ekperigin Redbubble Merch

And, or also brought to you by Airbnb. Ah, summer travel. You know what it's like. You're seeing the lights of a different city. You're trying out the food of another area. You're watching the architecture. I really think that travel is a luxury. And sometimes you want some comfort when you're staying far away from home.

That's why I always opt for an Airbnb over a hotel. You get all the comforts of home, plus a little bit of the local character. And sometimes you can even make friends with your local host. Shout out Barbara. I actually stayed at her Airbnb about a half hour outside of Atlanta this summer.

Just a beautiful place. She brought me fresh blueberries from her garden every morning that I was there. I was able to use her grill to cook up some food. But it was just way more of a homey vibe. I like the idea that you can kind of pick the location a little bit more. You can kind of be off the grid a little bit more than a hotel. Hotels are kind of often put in one certain zone of a city but you can find Airbnbs all over the place. Since I travel so much, I'm sure you're wondering, well who stays at my place when I'm gone?

Am I missing out on cashing in while I'm away? Maybe. My place would make an incredible AirBnB when I'm out on the road and yours might too. So whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills for something more fun, your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. All right, everybody. Welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history

picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Naomi Ekperigen. Hello Naomi, welcome back. Baby come back. You know what I'm saying? That's me. I get the call when I show up. I'm gonna say two things right off the bat. We've said before, if we were to open this marriage up podcast wise and bring in a third, it would be you. And second, my buddy who edits these and helps Dave with the research, when he finds out you're doing it, gets very excited. Okay. Swoon City. I'm so gratified. You know, I listen to you guys, you're part of my healing. You're part of my safety on a weekly basis. I did have to actually stop the, in a while I had to stop and I really couldn't keep listening to that man who had piss in him for six weeks. And it was upsetting to me. And I was like, I cannot continue actually. I cannot continue.

Well, as you know, that was the second time we did that one. So for me, I had to hear that man's story two times. Yeah. The man who died from piss. I just, you know, like when it's like, oh, and it's just funny because you always, of course, have a very, you know, vague description. And so when you're like the Carlin party, you know, I just thought someone's maybe going to like have to eat someone else's foot. I was like, OK, they're going to do something terrible to a native person. Like I kind of just I just did not expect someone to be filled with piss

and have it be in their legs. And then for him to be like, I have some catheters. I just thought I wouldn't bring up. Like I've done that with Tums on a flight and been like, what a crazy decision. This guy did it with piss in him. Catheters. It's a weird, it's a weird suicide. It's a long, slow one.

It's a weird. Painful, painful. It's not great. Well, Naomi, you're not here to just talk about how you have to turn off our podcast. You have a podcast of your own called Couples Therapy that you do with your lovely husband, Andy. That comes out every Tuesday.

Yes, indeed. And then you have a show, you have a big TV show coming out. Yes, it will. It's called St. Dennis Medical on NBC. We've heard of it. You've heard of it. One of the big four, honey. Of course.

Drop in, drop in. Big one. November 12th, and it is a workplace comedy set in a hospital. We've been writing it, okay? Yeah. And I'm just so lucky to have a job. And so y'all got to watch the program so I can continue to have a job. Okay, my animals have very high vet bills. Okay, my dog has three

specialists. Maybe your dogs are kind of young, but trust me, you're gonna get there. I don't think dogs need psychologists, though. You can probably get rid of psychologists. Three specialists. I like how Dave immediately like this is in. I don't know why one of them is a psychologist, though I just don't think look I don't think dogs need psychologists. Dave, you don't know what she's been through.

Yeah. How dare you? Well look, that dog is like probably the number one baby treated dog on Instagram. That dog cruises around in baby strollers. That's a baby dog. She deserves it. Look, I didn't know I was gonna be a baby dog kind of person. Like I'm not proud when the stroller comes out.

Nobody expects that of themselves exactly, yeah. But I will tell you this, if we are out in a, she just, you know, she's a high-strung creature. And if you put her in the stroller, then you can have a moment's peace. Like you're not worried about her eating the food off the ground. You're not worried about her trying to like walk over to the table next to you.

So I put her in this baby stroller. But am I proud of it? No, it's embarrassing. I didn't know I would be that white woman. I didn't know. No, I think it is. It has to be gradual. It cannot because nobody's like, I'm going to do this. You just you know, you're just kind of finding your,

you're navigating your way through motherhood of this dog. And then, yeah, eventually you are a stroller mama and that's okay. Do people ever approach the stroller thinking there's a baby inside of it? No, she's always facing out, you know, she is a model. So people know pretty quickly, but I do think they look at me and are concerned, right?

Because she's not like, you know, a dog in a diaper. She's not a dog missing her back legs. Like it's very much like, ma'am, why is she in a stroller? And I do like the way that you described that. She's a model. Yeah, the fact that, well, just a quick throw away, like it's a given. Like that was normal.

Like that was a normal thing to say. That's fine. All right, well, that's, oh, go ahead. No, no, know. That's fine. All right, well that's, oh go ahead. No, no. No, go on. One more, go on. No, okay, really quickly and then we gotta get to this newspaper

because I wanna remember it was once worse. And that's what I like about reading the paper from the past. I hope there's a lot of piss in this one. Well, I don't know if I can take it. Dave Anthony, you the one out here with like straight up doodles, okay? You got some bougie dogs. Stop trying to pretend you a man of them dogs do see hair. They need to be brushed braided and relax

Dave is going generational Dave is like there Dave is just like one of them will die and then we'll get a younger one It's just like when one dies we eat it and then we get another puppy. We'll always have three. But I don't think I can get another dog now because because once you get to a certain age, you're like, Oh, no, I'll die before the dog. No, no, you're not at that age. That age is 85. That age is 85. I've decided. Yeah, maybe one more. Maybe one more and then maybe you should

cut yourself off. Elaborordoodle-deady. Okay, Naomi, you know what, you know the deal. Okay, we're going to guess the newspaper, the year. I'm going to go first. I'm befriending crows, by the way. Shut up, Dave. Stop talking forever, old wizard. I give them peanuts and now why a quiet man on the line man who shouldn't have access to cash I'm gonna guess that this paper is

from the year 1940 that's wrong shut Okay, go feed a crow I Would say I would just say it's it's not only wrong but it's like it's 26 26 years wrong is what I would say Okay, so that I'm gonna go 1966 We were we did you know, like I feel like the 19 teens where I was like Oh this time he might try to do something You know more recent, but okay, okay. I love waiting for some trickery. Yeah, but I don't know if he's gonna pull it Alright, I'm oh this could be a good year then January 22nd 1914 the hawk point transcript hawk I thought you're gonna say say the Hawk Tuah times,

because that would have been precious. Hawk Tuah. Hawk Point, Missouri. How great is it that that woman turned out to be super helpful to like, she takes care of it. No, that was good. I know. I know.

I didn't think it was going to go that way. I absolutely did not. No, I know, right? No, it is a feel-good story. How great is it that I've turned Hawk Tuah into my sneeze sound? Yeah Oh, no. Yeah If you if you say Hawk to it now it attracts Bill Maher. Yeah a little Bill Maher appears if you say three times

All the white liberal Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's so interesting that I like didn't put that didn't come to me. But I had this moment where I was very grateful that she was as young as she was. And he meant nothing to her. Do you know what I mean?

Like that was an age where she was just like, it's like, okay, I'll come talk to you, I guess. And that was like what made it. Okay, is that she wasn't coming there. She was. Yes, she was like there's she was not on her radar. Yes, she may have not known who he was before the I don't think she did. Exactly. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like she's at the age where she's like, it's like.

And then somebody told her like, oh, this person is famous. A lot of people listen to this thing. And then she's like, OK. And then when he was like, do you know anyone who died of an opioid overdose? And she was like, no, like she's not having it. I also love it. I love that he just sits there and gets fucked up.

And it's just, it's like, buddy, have you not learned the lesson yet? Stay sober. If you have someone on your show that you clearly haven't looked into whose mom was apparently a crackhead and I believe died of drug use, and you sit there and get high and drink in front of her,

you're a fucking asshole. Yeah. Well, sure. Well, sure, but for so many reasons, him. Okay, wait, we gotta see what's going on in Missouri in 1915. All right, let's see. Hawk Point Transcript. Jim Brown finds hidden wealth.

Oh, okay. The running back. Okay, okay, Jim. Jim Brown was a farmer who realized that his farm wasn't bringing in all it should. So he applied to the Farm Management Department of the Missouri Agricultural College for expert advice. And he got it. Wow. Okay. And then he followed it. Okay. Great. Straightforward. And then he made more money than he ever did in his life. This is an ad.

Right. So wait, I'm sorry. A man took a continuing education class? Yep. A guy wrote a letter and then got good advice. I think you're right. OK. This incident and others are related in the article

Doctoring a Profitless Farm on another page of this issue of the transcript. It's an article brimful of interest to all farmers, but it's only for those who want to improve their farms and increase their incomes. Unless you are of that class, don't read it. This is like, this is the Instagram targeted ad. Yeah, it's MLM energy.

It's real MLM energy. Only winners need to go forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can usually sniff them out, but that one I didn't. And that was on the front page? Yeah, that's on, yeah. Well, OK. Right on the first article.

Naomi, your cat just crossed your computer, correct? Yes, correct, correct, as he did. Just want to make sure. Yeah, he does it, you know, he's 17. And he also has a specialist. You know, he's a cancer survivor. He can do it a lot. It's like an old animal farm in there. know, he's a cancer survivor. He can do it. Aw. It's like an old animal farm in there.

Oh, no, very much so. You know, but this is what I commit to. You know, I said, I will love you for life. And then here you are 17 and you do have chemotherapy every three weeks. And that's just life. Oh my God. Really? Yes. Wow.

You're a saint. All right. Let's stick to the let's stick to the idea of the podcast. But that was adorable. Ha ha ha ha ha. Three convicts slay four in prison dash. Whoa. Three convicts slay four. That's a fun headline, actually.

It's like math. Yeah. What's happening? Yeah, it is. No, it feels like a riddle. Yeah. This is this is from McAllister, Oklahoma. Seven persons dead, three wounded. What a woman. Sorry. Okay. Wait, three convicts slay four. So, shouldn't that be four? Four? This is a riddle. It said seven persons dead. Seven. Three convicts slay four. That means three convicts died.

But then convicts are also killed. The cops killed them. Okay, okay, so cops be coppin'. But then you said one was a woman. That's interesting, because they said seven persons, woman was one of those. One's a lady.

Separate lady. Okay, break it down. That is the toll of a sensational attempt on the part of three convicts. Tom Lane, Chiny Reed, Chinny, gotta be Chinny, Chiny Reed and Charles Coons to escape from the state penitentiary. The mutineers had one revolver, but the unerring aim of Chiny

Reed sent three prison officials and a visitor in Warden Dick's office to death. Jesus. Okay, what? So somebody who was just coming through? I mean... I can't get over Warden Dick. I'm five. I really can't.

I love Warden Dick. Because even Desmond was an asshole. They're like Warden Dick. I mean that's the best Warden name ever. But also you see now why Cheney should stay in prison. You see what I'm saying? Like Cheney's errant aim is probably how he got in prison in the first place. And then he can't even get out without taking out a stray.

Somebody who's not even involved in the process. It's like, sir, you might actually need to be kept away from society. You know what I mean? Yeah. His victims were Judge Thomas, former congressman from Illinois, Assistant Deputy Warden Oates, Day Sergeant Godfrey, and Bertillion expert Drover. What does that mean? Okay. I'd love that you're asking us. No idea. I don't know. Using Mary Foster, Warden, Dick's stenographer.

Is this just a list of names and job titles? Yeah, they didn't know how to do it, but they should have done it differently. I would break up the names a little bit and put some more description. Like, how about an article? That'd be fun. Yeah.

Right. Instead of just like a draft list. Using Mary Foster, Warden, Dick's stenographer, and parole clerk Rice as shields, the three convicts battled their way from the executive offices across the prison yard to the main gate and freedom. But I love the human shield, so I'm not angry at this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Yeah, there you got to get one. I mean, No, and I'm so sad for Mary. Cause you know, Mary, like, look, you know me. I love a woman's backstory in 1914.

I like to make it up. And you know, when Mary said, I'm going to get a job as a sonographer at the prison, they were like, don't do that. You're a lady of dignity. Yeah, not at the prison. Not at the prison. Mary, don't do it.

Mary, no. I could just type, but I have a skill for typing while people are talking. But Mary, anything could happen to you at that prison. Those men are insatiable. I like the idea that they're taking her hostage and she was probably still writing it down. Well, that's the article.

This is why the article's not working. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. All right, Mary, shut the fuck up. Stop typing. Shut the fuck up. Stop typing. Mary, get the fuck over here.

Get the fuck over here, he said. Oh God, and then they took her across the yard. Did they get, but they didn't get out? Did they get out? No, they got out, right? It was a short freedom. Seizing a horse and buggy, they made a last desperate effort to reach safety

only to be shot to death, their bodies riddled with bullets from the high-powered rifles in the hands of pursuing guards. Yeah, okay. Yeah, they didn't make it. Yeah. Horse and buggy. You know, you had to do a prison break with a horse and buggy. No, it's cute. It is cute. Yeah. But you know, yeah, you can't do that. I just hope the horse didn't get shot.

That is my always am I even when they do like a CGI horse stabbing in a movie, I'm like, no, I'm sorry, Gareth. CGI horse stabbing. Like that's a regular part of a motion picture. Uh-huh. You ever seen you, Gareth CGI horse stabbing. Like that's just a regular part of a motion picture. Uh huh. You ever seen you ever seen a CGI horse stab? No, we got to take a break. You're seeing a donkey gutting. Yeah, donkey gutting. Yeah. What movies are you watching, Naomi?

You ever seen a green screen, green screen equine death? They're all over. Although the greatest confusion prevailed among the 1500 prisoners, the guards sued subdued them and none escaped. Warden Dick is unable to account for the convicts being able to obtain the revolver. It is believed it was secreted near the prison by friends Hmm secret. Okay. No, you can't get that reason with a revolver I mean some guy just tossed a revolver in the yard. I was like, take care

Like there's like a little slot in the fence. Yeah slide it through. Yeah Reed Lane and Coons were known in the prison as bad man Wow were known in the prison as bad man. And wow. Wow. Imagine to be the bad boys of a prison, the bad boys of a prison, real bad, because they're all bad away from those guys. Yeah, they're all bad boys.

Naughty. I'm not a bad boy. I swear to God, I was framed. I'm just a little naughty. OK, you go sit over there. The little boys are over there. I think I'm just going to naughty. Okay, you go sit over there. The little naughty boys are over there. I think I'm just going to start tossing loaded guns into prison yards whenever I can.

Just like a little charity, like it gives him an option. Reed had a long criminal record in the early days of old Indian territory. He was sentenced to two years in prison last year on a charge of stealing a horse. Lane comes from Paul's Valley on a forgery sentence of five years while Coons was serving 40 years for manslaughter. That's it, that's the whole thing.

But can we talk about how you got two years, you might as well just sit your ass down. To me, the guy with 40 years, I get why he's gotta take a break. I get that. Completely agree. But on two years and you a year in, you might as well just sit your ass down to meet a guy with 40 years. I get why he's got a break I completely agree, but on two years and you a year in you might as well. What are you doing? Yeah? dinner reservations Have to make this party That is so fucking true. It's like the 40 year old guy must been like, are you sure you want to come?

Yeah, I mean I probably could be out of here in eight months of good behavior. That's forever. All right, go grab Mary. Though now reading this, the cop shot Mary or the prison guard shot Mary because they had her as a shield. The shield. So they got them in the front. Probably. Yeah. You don't shoot your own shield. You don't shoot your shield. No.

I've always said that. Yeah. Rule number one. Yeah. You keep the front. Probably. Yeah, you don't shoot your own shield. You don't shoot your shield. No, not all. That's like, yeah. Rule number one. Yeah, you keep the shield. Yeah. Then it stops being a shield. Yeah. It becomes a lot worse. Don't shoot your shoes, stab your horse. And those are just the rules you live by. Then you got a bag. You got a bag of meat in front of you.

That's why I don't want to shoot. Oh, it's not OK. Technically, it's a bag of meat once the. And then you got to be like, she's still alive. She's still breathing. So you can save her. Clark Howell injured. OK, that's the whole headline.

Yeah. OK, just a guy injured. OK, go ahead. While sliding down the dead cable Sunday afternoon, Clark Howell fell and dislocated his shoulder. OK, well, that was the American gladiator. It's like we're supposed to know what the dead cable is. Right. The dead cable. But also we have to know who Clark Howell is.

That's why I said was that the whole title? I was like, do I know him? Like, is he in public office? Like, what's the vibe? Everybody at Hawk Point must know Clark.ell is. That's why I said was that the whole title? Because I was like, do I know him? Like, is he in public office? Like, what's the vibe? Everybody at Hawk Point must know Clark. They must. A dead cable.

But also a dislocated shoulder. He's fine? Well, he sounds like a pirate sliding down a dead cable. Mr. Howe. At this time, the attending physician, Dr. Devereux is unable to state positively whether or not other injury is done to the scapula. Okay. In order to determine definitely an x-ray examination may be necessary a number of the boys about town have been in the habit of climbing the various dead

cables hand over hand and then sliding down by use of a horseshoe, which they would place over the cable, holding to either end of the shoe and close to the ground. What the fuck? Yeah, we've seen it. Yeah, we've seen it though. That's how you get out of prison normally. No, no, no.

No. What? That is 1914 realness. A game? A game they're all playing? The horse? Slide down a dead cable with a horseshoe. Oh my god, learn to read instead.

What are we doing? That would be so hard to hold on to. Yeah. Right, it's little. There's like no grip on it. No. Yeah. No, there's better stuff to use, for sure. This is what Clark was doing when his hold slipped, causing, oh, no shit. Is that really? That's so weird.

That's a bad feeling when you're like, boy, my hand's greasy. His hand slipped causing him to fall to the ground striking with considerable force. His injury is most painful and should prove as a warning to other boys who have been indulging in this sort of sport. Sure, I bet it will. Boys will be boys, but it is just this kind of accident that is paid before such dangerous practices stop. Larger boys are often to blame by making dares, which is seldom

passed up by the smaller boys. Such coaching should come to a halt at once. Sorry. Are they blaming the fat kids for daring the small kids or are they saying fat kids shouldn't be? Older, older, older boys. Oh, okay, okay, alright, the older. You just wear the larger, you, you, you. I'm just, they're just like, the fat ones keep making the small ones, do it.

It's crazy. But this, does this feel a little bit like something like a mother was like, honey, put this in the paper, please, I need this to stop. Because it just feels like a parent lecturing you. Howell broke his arm. Exactly. It does. Yes.

Now we know Howell must be like a 14-year-old boy who just hurt his shoulder. Yeah, I was picturing like an actual man. Me too. But he's just like a dumb kid who's like, let's go play horseshoe sleight. And they're like, no, we've got to get this in the paper and tell these boys to stop.

I just, I want to know what dead cables are. I mean, maybe they were. Wouldn't it just be like probably big wires? Yeah, just like big. I don't think I got electrical because electrical. Well, like this time, they wouldn't just like long intertwined wiring. But wiring to what are we talking telephone like? Could be like subways.

I'm not a big years guy. In Octoa, Missouri. Look, first of all, I really do like that we're never bringing it to us. I forgot the actual name. I wasn't even sure. Octoa town. Yeah, I don't know. I can't. There's nothing we don't know. So we just I know I have a picture. Okay. I've got it up here. It's like a zipline. Right. But I still don't know where

they start from. Yeah, like they're shimmying with their hands up like kind of a rope like I write like a gym class rope situation. And then they just kind of like, whee, down the down. I don't know. Very much like that sound. Yeah. You don't think they go whee. That was maybe the best we I've heard. That was real good.

That was genuine. Okay. Well, yeah, I don't know. He'll be fine. We'll figure it out. Yep. I wish I knew more about the dead cable, but I don't know. He'll be fine. We'll figure it out. Mm-hmm. Yep. I wish I knew more about the dead cable, but I don't. Next story. I'll find it here.

I think I like the newspapers being this way though. Like where you have like half a story without any real information, but kind of like, did you know a boy fell? And that's like all you could really bring to the bar. Do you know what I mean? That's like you could bring to the saloon. You don't have details.

There's no tea. These papers have so much like, oh, you should already know a bunch of stuff that we're writing about. There's so much of that. And we're also brought to you by Airbnb. Oh, summer travel. You know what it's like. You're seeing the lights of a different city. You're trying out the food of another area, you're watching the architecture. I really think that travel is a luxury. And sometimes you want some comfort when you're staying far away from home.

That's why I always opt for an Airbnb over a hotel. You get all the comforts of home plus a little bit of the local character. And sometimes you can even make friends with your local host. Shout out Barbara. I actually stayed at her Airbnb about a half hour outside of Atlanta this summer. Just a beautiful place she brought me fresh blueberries from her garden every morning that I was there. I was able to use her grill to cook up some food, but it was just way more of a homey vibe. I like the idea that you could kind of pick the location a little bit more. You could kind of be off the grid a little bit more than a hotel. Hotels are

kind of often put in one certain zone of a city, but you can find Airbnbs all over the place. Since I travel so much, I'm sure you're wondering, well, who stays at my place when I'm gone? Am I missing out on cashing in while I'm away? Maybe. My place would make an incredible Air my place when I'm gone? Am I missing out on cashing in while I'm away? Maybe. My place would make an incredible Airbnb when I'm out on the road and yours might too. So whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills for something more fun,

your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Yeah, like who Clark Howell is. Submarine lost. Submarine lost. Submarine lost. In quicksand. No, come on. What is it?

The Beatles? What? That's crazy. This is a story out of Plymouth, England. Submarine lost. The disappearance of the submarine A7 and her 11 men is still a mystery. Although Admiralty authorities admitted fear that quicksand has swallowed up the

diver, the search for the missing vessel was resumed. So where are they suggesting this quicksand is? At the bottom, I think what they're saying is that it went down to the bottom of the ocean. There's no way they have any idea what's at the bottom. I think what they're saying is that it went down to the bottom of the ocean and no way they have any idea what's at the bottom of the ocean. The ocean eats people all the time. Exactly. They're just like Ocean Gate. This is Ocean Gate. This is Titanic submersible. This has been happening for hundreds of years. I'm actually going to go down there and try to find them with some of my friends in a jar. Jar? Yeah, it should be good. We're going to control it with a PlayStation controller. Yeah, that'd be fun. And it will be a quarter million dollars.

It's still there. So HMS A7 was an A-class submarine built the Navy in the 20th century, first decade of the 20th century. She sank in a trading act training accident in 1914. Efforts to salvage failed and her wreck is a protected site. So you can still go down there and check her out. But is there quicksand? Is down there? Like, you know what I'm saying? Is the sand no longer quick? Is the sand chilled? What are we saying? Slow sand. And there was never quicksand. They were just English. Well, you know, it's down there. It's just got that horrible sand that will shut you down. Won't it?

Yeah. And now it sounds like, it sounds like they had some sort of torpedo incident. Okay. But it's a training exercise. Why would there be an actual torpedo? I love that it's training. So 11 of them.

They were carrying out, Fire. They were carrying out dummy torpedo attacks. And then someone was like, try a real one. And a disturbance in the water was seen and thought to be caused by the crew of the asymptomatic trying to blow a seven, trying to blow water from the ballast tanks. I mean, so they were they were taking on they were taking on water. Is that bad? Yeah.

Well, is that not what you want? And it depends. It depends. It can be fine. So it was more of a quick water. Yeah, the sand wasn't slow. The water was quick. Yeah. That's what was happening.

However, did you notice too in the article, it was like, the diver is missing in the quicksand. So meaning they sent somebody down to find them. That person's gone. And they were like, well. Quicksand got him as well. It's awful down there. I think they may be calling the submarine a diver.

Oh, the submarine is the diver. I thought they like sent someone to be like, hey, do you want to see what happened? And then that person disappeared. One guy to go get a submarine. All right, Ben, what you say? Seems a bit of a tall order, doesn't it? Well, he's the only surviving member.

You know what I mean? Like 11 people are down there. He's the only one who like came late to work. So then they're like, you have to go down and buy. Why, why? Well, how's the training been? Not good. Kansas hen a bootlegger.

What's the fuck? Okay, give me a riddle, give me a riddle. Absolutely, this is wild turkey. What's the fuck? Okay, give me a riddle, give me a riddle. Absolutely. This is wild turkey. Searching for liquor on the premises of a suspected bootlegger, the police lifted a sitting hen from a nest in a chicken house. It's so funny how they had to craft, like they found booze under a hen, but they're like, but that's not enough.

Like the editor was this crafty piece of shit, just like, we'll say the hen was making it. Underneath the nest and eggs was a keg containing 17 bottles of whiskey. Wow. Nice. So this is 1914, we're in prohibition then, huh? Well, certain states. Okay, right. Yeah. Nice. So this is 1914. We're in prohibition then, huh? Well, certain states.

OK, right. Yeah. And even though even prohibition, though, right? Like, even if it was legal, they still didn't want you bootlegging it, right? Do you know what I mean? Like, even if it was legal, it was like, don't just make it yourself.

Which is so funny. Because there needs to be fine plus. That's to avoid taxes. Right. And probably poisoning from, like, guys named Clint. That's right. Let's see. this has no headline. It's just...

That's not important to the paper. I mean, you don't need a headline. Yeah, just article it up. Whatever. Half the time the headlines don't mean nothing. It'll be like, blue sky heavy with rain. And you're like, okay, cool. Frank missing string.

Yeah. And it's like a man's shoe, cool, cool, cool. Frank missing string. Yeah. And it's like a man's shoe. And that's what the story is. He doesn't have his lace. He doesn't have his shoelace. It's just too much of local stuff. OK, anyway, while a number of children were playing seesaw at school Wednesday afternoon at recess,

the board broke with several of the children upon it. OK, number one. That's great. Two kids. Seesaw, two kids. No, you could upon it. Okay, number one. It's great. Two kids, seesaw two kids. Several. You could do more. You could do more.

Well, also I'm sorry. Can't do it because the board just broke. I'm sorry. If there's ever an article that has a built-in title, you know what I mean? Where's the title? They really could have just said, seesaw accident.

Yeah. You know, wounds several children and yet nothing? Nothing? You're gonna tell me hen, lay, booze, egg, whiskey, whatever that was, whatever that, you know, haiku was. One for the sea, too many for the saw. That's what I'm talking about, Davey and Davey. I can write headlines.

I can write headlines. Among them was Mary Brown. She fell in such a manner as to be struck just above the knee by the broken board, the impact causing a very bad bruise. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to downplay. Yes, this is a story about kids getting bruises at school. Like, literally this happens every day at every school

and they're like, sees, saw six bruised. Was there like a requirement to fill a certain number of pages in order to be a newspaper? Honestly, they were like, we're trying to grab more preschoolers with this part. Some more relatable stuff. Now, let's do something about the downside to eating Play-Doh. There is none. It's just clay. Back then, it's just clay.

Wet clay. I still eat it. You know, they don't have it anymore. Dave, you're doing a side conversation that's real bizarre, just so you know. You know they don't have Play-Doh. What are you saying? It's like I would describe it as they've replaced it with like this sand that sticks together. Quick sand?

No, it's like I don't know what it's called exactly, but it's got a name, but it's like sand that sticks together so you can make stuff with it. But all the parents are also like, there's this fucking sand all over my house. So it's terrible for the parents, but the kids love it more than Play-Doh. Was this, did this start as a defense of eating Play-Doh

and kind of go off the rip? Yeah, I just had to, some people gotta know what's going on out there. Yeah, you know. And you think you're in the position to be telling them that? I think very much so, yeah. I just told people about Magic Sand.

What did you make? But this is also like, sometimes I go, oh, am I wrong to not wanna have children? And now you tell me Play-Doh is out of the market. And I'm like, okay, I made the right choice. You know what I'm saying? You can't even, you tellin' me I can't even get some different colored dough. Let him mix it up and spend a couple of hours doing that.

That's over. It's called kinetic sand. What? And it's what all the kids are using. Yeah. And she's got time. You can just look it up in your house. OK, this I'm I'm now looking at. I I put that in and there's this looks like a dick. Some it looks like a kid is Dave what talk to us about what?

It's a picture in a way that's a little more it's on Amazon It's a picture of the kinetic sand and it's like a kid is shaped a dong. It's a it's very dong shaped It's like a it's phallic. This is a very phallic Okay, I'll I just looked it up and you're right Dave Okay, I'll I just looked it up and you're right Dave. It looks like a blue dong Are you looking at the blue one? I'm looking at the pink one One for a girl Okay, yep, all right, yeah, it's done right

Weird anyway back Anyway back to it for a while. It was thought mary's leg was broken, but we are glad to say it is not. She will soon be able to play again. What is this like? This is like an NFL injury report. It's something you say to her and their mom. What happened to Mary? Oh, she hit her leg.

Exactly, she hurt her leg. We were worried, but she's fine. And that's the whole thing. Mary will be able to play again. Oh, she'll be playing. Don't you worry about it. I cannot believe. No, there had to be a minimum because this is not news. Because as soon as you said, it's not Mary,

especially if you said like a piece of the wood, I thought, oh, great. It's stabbed her in the leg. She doesn't have a leg anymore. Like that to me, at least was going to make it newsworthy was like, sweet, Mary Brown, suddenly without leg. No, no, just a bruise. I agree. I'll bottom line what you're saying, Naomi.

If this is gonna get in the papers, some kids need to die. You gotta lose a limb. Holy shit, you could've just broken it. We want some of the kids to die. Small town paper will be like Mary broke her leg. Like that's a story, but a bruise is not. No, no. Like I always say, a bruise ain't news.

That's what you always say, girl. That's the thing. I'll be talking to you. I know. Stop telling me a bruise ain't news. I heard it. Hey, sorry, everybody. Just like I've been saying for a few years now. Bruise, that's not news. Bruise ain't news. Bruise ain't news. Sorry about that.

We'll be right back. Breaking bruise. I got two more. They get worse. In praise of poverty. It seems a matter of universal desire that poverty should be abolished. We should be quite willing to abolish luxury, but to abolish honest, industrious, self-denying poverty would be to destroy the soil upon which mankind produces the virtues which enable our race to reach a still higher civilization than

it now possesses. Guess who wrote that? André Carnegie. No. André Carnegie? Shut up. Is that real? Yep.

I can't believe. Oh, shit. This is one of those moments where you're just like, wow, yeah, it is just a template. It is not. There is. It is simply that it is a fuck humans by numbers. Poor propaganda. We're trying that one out.

Yeah. Good luck. Maybe propaganda. And you know, because that is there is nothing funnier. And it's funny because I've been so they're trying to push us out of our rent control department. I've already told Dave all of this. Oh, really?

Yeah. Fucking. Why was I? I can't be included in this sort of. Look, when I'm going, you know why? Because you know I know Dave is for the culture, the community. So when I'm full of rage, I go to Dave. Because I know he will understand.

He will take it in. And then you just want to tell me about where to watch Silver Women. If you want hair product tips, you go to Gareth. That's right. If I want my curls to have body go to Gareth. That's right. Exactly. If I want my curls to have body and bounce. I'm your guy. I'm your guy.

I'm your fella. Yep. And so we were like looking to try to see, you know, and they were like, okay, well, I guess like, well, what could we like, could we conceivably, you know, like afford a house or what would it look like to pay rent that's not controlled? You know, and they really don't want you to live

in this life on planet Earth. And it's wild because also too, I say that to you as somebody who's like doing the jobs that are supposed to enable you to live, meaning like writing on a show, acting on a show. Like you would think I could have a little touch of property, a little something, a little something, a second bath. And it's not happening. That it is really at the point where like they're coming to get it all back.

It's like the plan is to just all the benefits, all the comfort, all the like little bit of cushion. They're like, nah, it's we want it. But the cushion that was supposed to make us complacent, right? Because if I was comfortable, I might say, well, you know what? I'll allow a little racism if I'm comfortable. That's what they want. That's what they wanted. That's what's so fucking crazy.

It's like, you realize that this is just going to end in me getting quarters together to buy a rifle, right? Right. Yeah. Exactly. It's like so wild. And so here Andrew Carnegie is in 1914 being like, you know what? There is nothing wrong with an industrious poor. Well, It's like so wild. And so here Andrew Carnegie is in 1914 being like, you know what?

There is nothing wrong with an industrious poor. That should be, you should be, it's like the dignity of your poverty, you know? It started night, it started okay though. He's just like, look, poverty is terrible. Unfortunately it's a must. So. It's luxury we should be getting rid of, but not in my life. Do you understand what I'm saying?

You say get rid of it, but also I'm going to be over here. Yeah. Two wary willies. Now wary willies is in quotations. Two wary willies visited Hawk Point Tuesday. There's a period that shouldn't be. Hawk Point Tuesday and found an easy period that shouldn't be, Hawk Point Tuesday and found an easy grub steak.

This is insane. Two guys found a steak. Okay. And when lodging time came, they were less fortunate. If you remember, it was very cold and disagreeable that night with a fierce piercing wind. What? These fellows worked, really worked to keep warm during the dark hours. They camped in Davis's pasture under the skies, builded a build it a fire, build it a fire, build it a fire, then hustled all night for fuel to keep it going and keep their

blood circulating. Work seemed to agree with them as they were as frisky as a two-year-old cult when daylight came. What is happening? I've never been actually angrier. I've never been angrier because there's so much going on where it's like this almost feels like a note your like like kid wrote to you between the typo between Tuesday, you remember it was called your newspaper. Stop telling me do I remember? You like we just having a chat at the bar. You remember it was called.

Also, they're trying like trying to pull off just like some sort of flowery language of being like, they were friskier than a two-year-old colt. What? You know how crazy colts at that. What is writing? Who wrote this? I'm convinced they just got random people.

They just transcribed somebody. It's giving chat GPT. So this is, that's the whole story. This story is that two hobos. The story is two guys had a steak, made a fire, and were okay. They had to all night keep getting more wood for the fire. That's the story.

But they didn't even say wood, he was like fuel. Yeah, fuel. Anywhere, but also, I need to know who, how is this news? Like was somebody surveilling them all night? Not news. The next day, were they like telling everybody? Like how did this even become a thing?

They had to tell people. Yeah, they had to tell people. Because no one was, unless they were like bleachers and people- But even if they told someone, would you be like, this has to go in the paper? This is crazy. You guys made a fire?

Yeah. All night? Wow. Oh, remember it was cold. They needed a fire all night? Wow. Remember it was cold. They needed a fire. Oh, man. You guys sound like a couple of newborn horses. You guys really did.

That's crazy. We build it a fire. We build it a fire. And that was Tuesday night. That's right. Tuesday night. You remember it was a a chili we don't have a degree we can't tell you a temperature Seeing that in the paper be like holy fuck they wrote it they really did write it They had a steak and then they made a fire that town is so goddamn boring Wow

Beats And then they made a fire. That town is so goddamn boring. Wow. Beats grandma's first national. The first beat national B E A T S. Oh, the first national bank has a new location. It used to be inside, but now it is on the outside and has a snap button flap. It's just insane. It's a tent. What?

A tent. I was like, a snap. The bank's a tent. The bank's a tent now. Wait, what are you saying? The bank's a tent is a great line. Now, that should be the title. The bank is a tent.

Yeah, that really is the headline. This bank is now a tent. What is happening? I can't take it. He's coming and going. He's coming and going, Gareth. Okay. He's not like Jose. Jose knows how to behave. You are living in a dream world. There's a cat tail right there. So my cat, my old cat that I had,

Bojangles, came with that name, racist cat. The cat was racist or your name that name, racist cat. Oh. But it used to, it used to. The cat was racist or your name was racist? The name was racist. Both. The cat would climb up on my, it would climb right here and just sit on my neck while I was working.

OK, that's what he does to Andy now. Yes, he's like addicted. It's like very, yeah, but you know, just bless his heart. We have to just, love them don't we yeah But wait the bank is a tent now. There's a flap. Okay There's a lot more Even has it even has a new it even has a new name. It used to be just called stocking and now Under its modern development. It is known by the

euphineous Appellation, keep safe pocket. Sorry, when you say there's more, what do you mean? There's just more words. There's not more news. Safe keep pocket. Safe keep pocket. Safe keep pocket. Was it rigged by a dog? The bank is a safe keep pocket. So the bank is a tent bank, the bank is a safe keep pocket. So the bank is a tent and it has a flap safe keep pocket. This town is run by people on mushrooms. This town is. Oh my God, we have to know what Hawk Point is now

because I'm sure it's not, it must have been absorbed into something else. Yes, I agree. The old fashioned depository of our grandmothers has been superseded. What a weird way to put that even. Every part of this is really done. This ancient grama's bank. Those who know say that the latest production

of the dressmaker, the slash skirt, is responsible and have chalked up another argument against that alluring style. What the fuck just happened? What is happening? I don't I think they're. Oh, my God. I think they're talking about pockets.

I think they're actually talking about pockets. This is about pockets. This is about literal fashions. OK, one of the biggest things that instead of a go ahead. One of the biggest things, one of the biggest inventions for women was actually pockets, because they were, then they could keep money and stuff and other things, so I think that's what this is.

And that's when society went downhill. Sorry, Naomi, you know it's true. Second, women could pocket cash. They were spending it on the dumbest shit, crystals, handbags, shoes. I'm gonna run for president on a no pockets. That's going to be my whole thing. No pockets for ladies.

No pockets for ladies. Would it surprise you if one day Trump just started doing anti women pocket stuff? No. Not at all. I expect it tomorrow. I think that should be part of his debate with Kamala being like, she shouldn't even have pockets. Swimming head.

It started with the pockets. The second they got pockets, it all went downhill. It's actually too real, Gareth. I don't like it. It's actually like painful. You know, when I hear that, I just like I immediately like, I'm like, OK, I got to get my money for freedom. You know, when I hear that kind of talk, I need to start saving. Wait a minute. So wait, the bank, okay.

Keep safe, I don't understand. So are they saying the bank is now named after what it is for a woman to have a pocket? No, is this whole thing just now that it's basically like women have pockets so the bank is a little, is that, is it just kind of- It's got nothing to do with the bank. They're saying that women are now able to keep their money

in their pockets. That's what I mean. They're saying like the pocket is the new bank. Okay. I'm gonna need you to actually read the first sentence again for me. Sure. Can you start from the top of the paper? Is that nuts? Yeah!

Is that crazy for us to do that? We've never done that before. I would just love to go back to the top and do it once more. The first national bank has a new location and the First National Bank is in quotation. So that's that's why. OK, it used to be inside, but now it is on the outside and has a snap button flap.

OK, so the bank is an attempt. You can keep money in a pocket. The bank used to be called just stocking. Now it's called Safe Key Pocket. They would keep it in the stock. Oh, OK. OK. It's amazing how far the English language has come because I don't understand half of what's happening 100 years ago. And they know they're definitely trying to be cutesy.

But back then, I guess people just knew. But yeah, the idea that they're basically saying like women now put money in their pockets. Yeah. Which would have been again, a much simpler, straightforward headline. Yeah. But instead this has been made by the Riddler.

I would have said, I would have said ladies be pocketing. That's a good one too. Bitches be pocketing. Yeah. You know it. Yeah. Yeah. It seems to be more convenient than the old way,

and there is room for powder puff, rouge, mirror, and such necessary accessories. Material? Silk, of course. Nice. They can still have their dumb women's shit in there, too. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Nice Wow, they could still they can have quarters and tampons in their little pockets All the things that the woman must have at all times and it's not even tampons. It's just wad of cotton Yeah, it's a cotton wad So much better, oh man that would have been a rough I mean You think it's embarrassing to go by your girlfriend like tampons now. It's like back then it was just like, can you go get me a bushel of cotton for this week?

Oh, fuck, that's going to be awkward as shit. This is why, you know, the whole idea of time travel between racism and feminine products, I actually don't want to go anywhere. Do you know what I mean? Like I don't want to actually go into the past. No, no. So I'm just like, good lord. And no plumbing.

We talk about that a lot too. The no plumbing is real. That's a game changer. I know. No, no. So I'm just like, good lord. And no plumbing, we talk about that a lot too. The no plumbing is real, that's a game changer. I know, no catheters. No, no catheters, dying from piss leg. Your legs exploding from piss. So I would go. That's how you wanna go out. Slow, slow and low.

Yeah. Sues to keep license. Dr. C.H. Hinson of Cahokah, whose license to practice medicine was revoked at the recent session of the State Board of Health in Jefferson City, applied for a writ of certiorari, I don't know, in the Cole County Circuit Court through his attorney, Joseph Tall, the license was revoked on the ground and Dr.

Henson had violated the medical code of the state by writing liquor prescriptions. Oh, that's the best. Oh, that's fun. That's the fucking best. He's learning. That's the fucking best. He's lying. That's the best. That is so fucking. You hurt your leg, a bruise.

Well, go ahead, I'm gonna write you a prescription for seven whiskeys a day. You need vodka, and you need a lot of it. For impertuity. I actually don't have any cash on me, barkeep, but I do have this little piece of paper. Just go to the bar. cash on me, barkeep, but I do have this little piece of paper. Don't you have any in your tent and flaps?

Oh, the idea of the dot. That's like when weed first, like you could get your medical license, man. It was the fucking greatest thing ever to go get your weed license. And why do you need to get high all the time? Well, doctor, I really like movies. I wonder if Dr. Ganja is still there. So there was a guy who advertises Dr. Ganja. They had like an eight year run where they were all they were all there like crushing. But now anyone can buy.

Yeah, now you don't need it. But that was their time. Well, it was like very expensive. Do you mean like you would pay 500 bucks to get the. No, no one need it. But that was their time. Well, it was like very expensive. Do you mean like you would pay 500 bucks to get the no no one that now wasn't that much. There is there is a writer's assistant on Marin and he was like,

man, I'm going to I think he was going to New York and he's like, we want to take our dog. It's like a lap dog. We want to take him on the plane. But I need someone to say that he's a therapist dog. And I was like, I see.

I just called Dr. Ganja and he did I see. Oh, just call Dr. Ganja. And he did, and he immediately got like, wow! Dr. Ganja. Just like, I don't know if I can do that, but I mean, I'll talk him right to think, dude, whatever. Yeah, this dog, by the way, this dog needs to get high in a different way.

And that's to fly to Topeka, okay? Dr. Ganja, you're unbelievable. I don't even remember what I was writing at the top of the script. I didn't even graduate medical school. Do you know what I mean? Like Dr. Ganja is like one semester at like University of Guam and then it's just like,

what do you do with this? I bought a stethoscope on Amazon. Dr. Ganja? I saw Dr. Ganja at a Carl's Amazon. Dr. Gange. I say, Hey, I saw Dr. Gange at a Carl's junior commercial audition earlier today. Is that weird? I saw my Dr. Gange there. They're calling people Larry Kramer, Dr.

Gange. Slate into camera. Will you shave? Absolutely not. That's such an inside joke. You just did it. Everyone's like, what? I know, this is Slate. We'll not shave.

I know. This has no headline. It's just one of those little tiny things at the bottom of the page. Sure. A Philadelphia banker has distinguished himself by giving a supper party at which monkeys mixed with the guests To avoid the guests wore evening dress

Because you might confuse a person in a monkey You never know all right, so who's ready to backtrack on that time travel thing we said earlier? Because I think I'm ready to go back to this party. I think I'm ready to wear my Sunday's best so that people don't think I'm a chimpanzee. I mean, I would so go to a party if a guy was like, it's you guys and a bunch of monkeys. I mean, well, let's do it right now. But we need you to dress up so as not to confuse the monkeys. I completely understand. I will wear a tuxedo so that you don't so as not to confuse the monkeys. I completely understand. I will wear a tuxedo so that you don't think I'm one of the monkeys.

That is the greatest. Wait, is that the whole thing? Yeah, that's it. This paper has a problem, okay? Because they gave me too many damn words on ladies have pockets and not enough on Philadelphia men has monkey party. Do you not know what news is? It was literally little girl fell off a seesaw. and not enough on Philadelphia man has monkey party.

What do you not know what news is? It was literally little girl fell off a seesaw for like 700 words. And then you can tell me man has party with monkey and that's like 40 words. Not even. I mean, they basically sent you an e-vite. The idea that there there it is so normal that a man is like, I'll be having a monkey party. And they're like, we'll just touch on that.

Now, the girl who bruised her leg on the seesaw, any update? She will be able to play again, but we're not sure the timeline of that. Oh, fuck me. That is the best visual. I've been angrier. I'm as happy as I've ever been. I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah. Monkey. By the way, monkeys can turn violent. We all know. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, regardless of what you're wearing. It's not like it is though you're in fancy dress, you're somehow protected from whatever the monkey. Yeah, I did. And wear a tuxedo.

That way the monkeys won't rip your dick off and beat you. OK, I get it. Make sure to have your shoes shined so that nobody gets their face taken off by the monkeys. I told you there'd be monkeys at the park. Absolutely. That's why Diane and I are attending. That guy just shows up without pants. Yeah. It's my, it's my kid. I mean, what, we're trying to have like food with monkeys, like, uh,

don't eat the caviar. A monkey put his hand in it. I would, I would give anything to be sitting at a table with a bunch of monkeys. So be careful. A monkey banged the hummus. Just so you know, stay clear of that. We thought they'd only go for the bananas, but a bunch of them got into the beef. So if you want a banana, that might be your safest thing. It's got a shell.

Woman kills Hawk with her bare hands. Okay, I'm back on board. Alright. Alright. We're back. Mrs. Mary Blenis of Portland, Maine, housekeeper for Simon Folsom in this town, found a dead pigeon on the ground, and at the same time, she spied a large henhawk near at hand. As the bird flew

toward her, Miss Blenis grabbed the bird by the neck and wings and refused to let go, even when the big hawk got in some painful clawing. The plucky woman killed the bird by wringing its neck. What the actual fuck? A woman straight up just caught it. She caught it. Imagine watching a woman catch and kill a hawk. She's like one of those catfish grabbers in the river. Yeah, she's her. No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna tell you right now, that's my hawk to a girl.

That is the problem. That's it, That's it. Let's interview her. Grab the hawk, wrang its neck, and then it clawed at her. So she was literally, imagine her tussling with this. And you know the claws, the talons, they're talons. Yeah, they're bad. Yeah, they'll rip it up.

That's bad. And she was just like, no, thank you. I like to think that through the monkey party, someone saw that through the blinds and was like, and that's why we only have monkeys. She should have been wearing a cocktail outfit. It might not have killed her if she was wearing some opera dress or something like that. Formal jewelry. Good Lord.

Christ. Wow. Yeah. I mean, just snapping a hawk's neck out of the air. But also, she's also the maid for the property, right? Like the maid for the property? Yeah, the housekeeper, yeah. The housekeeper really was like,

this is my house and I'm keeping it. That's what she was saying. It must have been a pet pigeon, right? Oh, you think that's why defending the pigeon? Yeah, I think she was mad because it killed the pigeon. It must have been, yeah. Not a lot of people doing that. Not a lot of people, though.

Look, Dave, we're all mad about a lot of things. I just don't know if we can all be expected to just catch a hawk, okay? And wring it by its neck until dead! Confidence. The hawk, I mean, granted the hawk probably fell prey to this because it was like, this won't happen. Right.

It's never happened before. Yeah, I wonder if we're passenger pigeons. OK, so this is there were still passenger pigeons. It might have been a passenger pigeon. So you think it was a friend pigeon. See, I just think she was like, could you not do all this on my lawn? You know what I mean I just think she was like, could you not do all this on my lawn? You know what I mean?

She came outside and said, could you not? With all of this carnage and bloodshed, you've ruined it. I just cleaned up out here. You know what I'm saying? I like that theory too. But I also think that's gonna create a little bit of a mess too. A hawk murder, you're like, well now.

Well, right, but she's got it by the neck. Or maybe a hawk could have killed their dad. All right, I think we're too young, maybe it's time to stop doing theories is how I feel anyone else sort of getting that energy Pitching's over you talk about wanting to travel back in time for a monkey party And I want to meet the bad bitch who strangled a hawk. Okay, that's when women were women And then she put it in his pocket in her pocket. I'm a little I'm a little sick of being made to seem like a fool for wanting to go to a monkey party.

All right. You know what I mean? This is a place, a safe place for us to share our fantasies. And quite frankly, I want to wear a three piece suit while there's chimps. Sorry about that, everybody. That's fair. It's crazy. That's fair. Christ.

Thought this was a safe space. OK. Cats home in Church, Oregon. Giggling smiles and evidences of unusual good humor in the congregation in Second Reform Church were explained after the service. A full grown cat was in the pipe organ. Terrible. The organist and janitor could not get it out. Everybody in church knew it.

The music was softer than usual and quite subdued. They still played it? Yes, just quietly. The cat was like, ah. So like we're in the animal section of the paper is what it sounds like. True. You're in the back, it's like animal stories,

like kind of special interests, heartwarming animal moments, like the dodo. The dodo was a newspaper. Yeah, or like ringing a hawk's neck. Well, yeah. Less heartwarming. I would love to see the Dodo do one on the woman running in the hawk's neck.

This woman killed a hawk in her driveway. Huh? Dodo got real weird on us all of a sudden. How a mint coat is made. Dodo, what are you doing? We're covering the other side now too. For a full week, the cat was in the mechanism. After being found in a bed, it made the altar cloths.

It fled to the, oh, it made in the altar cloths. It fled to the organ. It cannot be smoked out, shot at, or otherwise forced out because of suspicion that a litter of kittens might be inside the organ and might die in decay. I, what? Why couldn't we just like open up the back of the organ

and get them out? I'll answer that, cause we could light a fire in the organ. Anyone else got silly questions? Why didn't we shoot the cat out of the organ? We're worried it had babies. So, all right, look everyone, the plan's been pretty clear. We're going to get it out however we need, but we can't shoot it because there might

be babies and it apparently is fine with smoke. So let's just pray. Finally the janitor John Otto and organist William Hollenbach contrived a trap with meat, a string, and a stick. Alright boys, we're gonna go meat fishing. It's called catfish. When the animal sees the meat, the fall of the stick aroused the janitor. He caught the animal only after- Hey guys, I'm sorry to get so hard, but man,

I really- I was thinking the same thing. The fall of the stick aroused the jitter. Yeah, boy He caught the animal only after stunning it with a hymn book Have to hit it over the head with a hymn book. What are you people talking about? This is the most complicated plan for one of the easiest things you could ever do as somebody who has to pick up a cat And medicated on a daily basis, this is not hard. Okay? Like, you literally open up the back of the organ.

There's nowhere for the cat to go. You reach inside, you pull the cat out. I mean, the idea after all of this, the janitor is like, I beat it with a book. So we're pretty much done here. Did you try calling it? You know, he hit it with a Bible and they just don't want to say it. So him book instead.

Oh my God. The organ must be taken apart to get the damaged keyboard. Wait, wait, now, now Naomi do it. Go, go say it. You could have taken the organ apart before. Thank you. Thank you for letting me reclaim my time, Gary. Of course. I mean, the fact that they did do your plan just after they beat the cat with a hymnbook.

And tried to smoke it out. Like, I can't believe smoking it out was like the first step. Do you know what I mean? Like, it feels like that's most more complicated. Yeah, George W. Bush was in the church. The idea that after all that, just like, all right, well, let's take it apart and clean it. Boy, he really could get it all clean if you do it this way. Yeah, you can.

There's a lot of turkey in here. Yeah, we dropped a lot of meat down there. And I see 47 kittens. There's a lot of turkey in here, huh? Yeah, we dropped a lot of meat down there. And I see 47 kittens. Yeah. Oh, shit. Well, what do you say, Dave? One more? Last one?

Last one, yeah. Beware of the gray eye. Among the gray eyed, there are a few who retain. Blind? There are a few who retain... Blind? There are few who retain any spiritual emotions. People with gray eyes are superficial, frivolous, given to embrace false idols, running down blind alleys, following false prophets, thoughtless and considerate, wanting in sympathy, neurotic, unstable, not firm and deliberate, but rash and impetuous.

Wow. This is about you, Gladys! This is so clearly about somebody who knows. He's just like, fuck your gray eyes! Wow. Does gray eye mean anything outside of the shade of gray? Does it mean like a blind, anyone who's blind or anything like that?

Or are we talking, is there an eye color can be gray? Yeah, I think there's a grayish eye color. Yeah, you could have gray eyes. Oh, okay. But yeah, this is feeling like, you know, we're not talking, like it's not like gray eye is a whole, class of people. Do you know what I mean? So this is very personal. I do agree with Dave. This is about somebody the same way the thing of like boys don't

horseshoe down the dead cables was like, you know, like a mom writing to her kid. And now this is somebody who's like, stop it. And then like, this whole magazine was written by like four wives. I mean, whole magazine was written by like four wives. I mean, this whole newspaper written by like four wives, you know what I mean? Like kind of has like a real. Yeah, it's got a bit of a gossip factor. Yes. It has a feel for it. Where it's like, it's like, you know, you know, when you're talking to someone

who's like half telling a story, but doesn't have information, but just wants to have a whole court, that's his entire issue of the paper. Yeah, right. Right. That's why some things don't have a headline. It is nice to learn that there was I racism,. I've always... You've said there should be more different kinds of racism. Absolutely. I mean we are leaving so many plays on the field. It's just ridiculous. I still can't believe we didn't round up all the gray eyes and kill them. Yeah that's exactly right. Absolutely. Well Naomi what was, your 30th appearance on this show? You know what?

I feel older. I feel wiser. I feel grateful. I'm ready for you guys to both co-sign my home loan. This took a really bizarre turnipy. Well, I assume that's why you bring me back to the pie, right? After a certain number of visits, you do get some co-sign privileges. You really did the slow con on this by talking about the rent control,

the second bath, and now we're cosigning for you. Yeah. OK. Yeah. You ever you ever find a lawyer for the. We ended up talking to a guy, but it was basically like, call me back if they start harassing you. Gotcha. Yeah, because he was like, you can't really. He's like, you can say no. And then that should be it.

If it is not it, then you start keeping track of everything and then you can do something. Right, right, right. Sounds like I could be a lawyer. Well, Naomi, St. Dennis Medical, NBC. Yeah. And you've got your podcast with your lovely husband, Andy. It comes out every Tuesday.

Every Tuesday, okay? It's a good time. Well, thank you as always for joining us. You're the best. You two keep me out. You're our number one guest. Don't do that, you know I'm scared. Naomi, call me if you need any red control advice.

I'd love to give you cat medicine the old fashioned way. I don't even know what that means. Oh my God, you're gonna kill the cat and then kick me out on the street. I love to grab a pussy I'm sorry Dave why did you let me set his ass up like that you do that shit was I can't yeah I mean I thought you knew you've been on the podcast so many times I thought you know grab Naomi and Andy by their pussy cat okay okay I have to go call I police. I gotta go, I have a 430.

Okay, okay, A-Cab, but also citizen's arrest. Okay, bye guys. Bye. Bye. Summer Vs A's You'll miss me honey Summer Vs A's And we're also brought to you by Airbnb.

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