The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 90 - The Past Times with Brooks Wheelan

Episode Date: September 6, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian BrooksWheelan Redbubble Merch

All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Brooks Wheeland. Hi, Brooks. Hey, guys.

How's it going? Good. How are you? I am stoked to do this, genuinely. I like the idea, I think it's fun, and I like you two in very different ways, but both equally, I think you're great. See, the way you say that makes me feel like you haven't listened and you're doing network speak where you're being very delicate.

No, I'm in your past. OK, I'm Dave. I'm thinking about David and Gareth and like how I like you. It just already feels like you do. But go ahead. I just want to see where it's going. It just already you are two guys that you at no point do you need both of you at different points. You need one of you. That's what I mean. and think I got to like move back to Iowa. I'm calling Dave. You're not wrong. Different types of friends.

You're not wrong. When I had a stalker, the amount of times I talked to Dave and Dave would be like, buddy, and I would be like, you're so, I would just be like pulled over on Highland with my hazards on like, you're right. You're absolutely right. Exactly. That's exactly what I'm saying. Yeah.

Yeah. I felt, I would, I would reach out to Dave if I was like, I think I'm being dumb. And I'd reach out to Gareth if I was like, I think I'm being dumb. And I'd reach out to Gareth if I was like, yo, I want to go be dumb. Let's be dumb. It's my whole career. Well, we thank you for joining us. You're at Brooks Whelan on Instagram, Whelan with an A-N at the end, and you have a special

coming out soon. You're a little unsure of the specifics, but if people follow you, they can find out about all that. Absolutely. Have you recorded it? Yeah, I shot it in Alaska last year. I did 10 cities in Alaska and shot them all. See, that's what we were saying right before this. You are a big nature guy. You spend a lot of time in places where everybody should go. You're doing that well. Yeah, I try to go to where the people, where there's the least few amount of people furious with me. And that's usually in the woods. Smart. Smart. That's smart. No, I think that's definitely the right way to do a tour. That's

a good way to look at touring. I try to go where the least amount of people hate me. And that's how I find out who you're dating at the moment. No, that's a problem. Yeah, I got to fix it. Well, we thank you for coming. And you know this podcast. You said, Awfair, this is one of your favorite shows. We're going to go through...

Each week when it drops, I do email you both individually to tell you what I would have done better that week. You that you're very good with notes and heavy with notes. Heavy. Yes. Yeah. 80 to 90s a lot. Yeah. Yeah, it's yeah. A lot of it is also the subject matter. Step it the fuck up is getting old. I'll be honest, the subject headline.

But but but so we're gonna go ahead Well to be fair, it's only because I reply all in my initial email was step at the fuck up So now we are on you know episode. That's true. You're not so not hitting compose a lot No, I just reply all and it's like I'm screaming into the wind because you guys very much so No, well, no again because some of them are pretty aggressive but anyway we're you know this took a turn obviously and I think we all had our hands on the wheel that's why you're wheeling um so Brooks we will guess what year this paper is from that Dave has okay I'm sure it's gonna be old the

guarantee is it's not gonna to be from this year. Can I say one thing that you just made me think of and then we'll go, my last name is Whelan, but my first name is Brooks, so it's such a clear, like nobody calls me Whelan, you know what I mean? Because Brooks is already a last name. It was really hard to be slow with the name Whelan. Like as a kid growing up, it was not fast. So like people wanted to call me wheels and they couldn't.

Ah, man. Oh, man. It's like they could have done it. They could have done it ironically. Yeah. But it wasn't great either. Slow, but it wasn't like slow. It's not that special. Right. Nothing special. It's tough. Yeah, it's tough.

It is. That is hard. But but but now comedically, you're kind of wheeling. I'm trying. Yeah, we want to try. Yeah, for sure. All right. All right. All right. Let's keep going. Keep going. Sorry. My son, my son has a kid on his baseball team and he's crazy slow because he doesn't run on his the balls of his feet. He lands on his heels and then goes flat down. And so he went to he went to like, did he hurt the balls of his feet. He lands on his heels and then goes flat down.

And so he went to a he went to a like, did he hurt the front of his feet? No, there's just some kids that run like that. They never. And so he went to like, like a last month, he went to like an expert. And he's like, I figured it out, man. I got to get in the balls of my feet and blah, blah, blah. And he shows for next game is running exactly the same. Nothing has changed. The idea that he had to go to a specialist

is also amazing. This is like, you know, we've all been laughing at you. Like, this guy's amazing. Apparently, he wants me to go front of foot first, which I guess that's why you go to this guy. He's the best. Dude, dude, truly not fucking joking, I had no idea I was bad at baseball

until the first year my dad stopped coaching me. No idea. Genuinely thought I was really good at baseball until seventh grade when my dad wasn't my coach. And I went to practice, I was like, my name's Brooks, I bat third and I play first. And my coach was like, absolutely not, no. That is, by the way, that is the intro

of someone with wheel. It is the last name. And that's my deal. They're like that book we're going to weigh in heavily on that. Opener, by the way, bro. Dude. Also, you know, this is another thing that is so insane that I've buried that I just now remembered.

So in my small town in Iowa, they would, they would draft teams. Like that's how small the team, the, my ton was the dads would draft their baseball teams. It wasn't rare. So they would it would be like eight dads and they would draft who their you know, fifth grade team was. I got a I got a peek at where I was drafted one time. Oh, shit. It was shocking. Absolutely last. Last in town. How did you get a peek at that? I just got, it was like a piece of paper in the dugout that I was like, I don't think I should have this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Last in the town.

I love the coaches like. I blame my dad. I was like, they just don't want to deal with my dad. It's definitely my dad, it's not me just don't want to deal with my dad. It's definitely my dad Leaving that in the dugout is also a phenomenal move by a no friend that that's the order of good to bad Yeah, it's tough. Well, no, we know from the intro. My name is Brooks, a bad third, a play first.

Brooks, you were drafted last in the city. All right, so we're going to guess what year this paper is from that Dave's picked out. It's going to be old. Brooks, as our guest, you're more than welcome to go first to guess. I partially let the guest guess first now because Dave tries to make it so that I'm wrong, even if I'm right. But go ahead and guess. This is going to be an old paper.

Okay. Before he even goes, here we go. 1951. It's a good guess. It's a good guess. Last one, 1879, 1951. One of those is coming. Okay.

I'm going to guess, I'll guess 1999. You told me it was going to be old. Brooks wins. It's 1887. I mean, come on. 1887? Yeah, old, old. See, I knew you loved this show.

Can I give you guys a, I do have a no for you. Save it for the email. I do have a no. I do have a no. I do have a no. I do have a no. I do have a no. I do have a no. I do have a no. Yeah, old, old. See, I knew you loved this show. Can I give you guys a... I do have a no for you. Save it for the email. I do have a no.

Dave, give us next time, for next guest, and maybe this is how you do it, give us three headlines and then let us guess. People have said we should do that. But we have done that, and it doesn't do anything. People have said we should do that. Because we're not going to do that. But we have done that. We have done that. And it doesn't do anything.

People have said we should do that. We ignore the people. But here, read the first headline, Dave. And let's see if this would have helped inform us. The first one I'm going to read or the first one is just here. It's a deal. Yeah, it's dealer's choice. That's how it works for me.

Well, let me pick another one. I don't know if it won't make any sense. This is what it is. Are our exclusive cable grams. See, it would have helped a little, but it's caught in the act for guys like us. Are we is cable Graham really helping us be like, no, like us are we is cable Graham really helping us be like no I cable grams could be from 1887 or 1999 true yes could because it could be like a teddy grams like cable thing yeah it could be new internet slogan or actual legitimate

literal cable grams yes but even if I knew what a cable gram was. Still don't. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know. I got nothing. No, I don't know what year that would be. What what is this paper, Dave? Where is this from? This is March 4th, 1887. The San Francisco Examiner. OK, it's a big player.

And this is a big day. This is a momentous paper because the ownership of the Examiner is the headline, the Examiner with this issue has become the exclusive property of William Randolph Hearst, the son of its former proprietor. It will be conducted in the future on the same lines and policies which characterize its career under the control of Senator Hearst.

So this is the beginning. No, go ahead. What a narcissistic way to take over. So the first episode is I'm in charge. I agree. Yeah, I think it is a crazy think it's crazy to put yourself on the front page. That is like a page seven acknowledgement of a changing of the garden, even though it's not. Exactly, and then on page two,

it says earthquake rocks town yesterday. Yes, yes. A thousand dead in largest tsunami ever. Hearst reached for quote. It is it. It's also it's it's also I thought Hearst for some reason was older. I thought that was a different era, but it's 1800s is the Hearst's. I actually thought he was younger, like because of I think of Patty Hearst and like in the six.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I mean. I would have thought like William Randolph her. Now, is this William Randolph? Her's taking over. Yeah. So this is this is his first paper that it slowly becomes an empire. Yeah. OK. Yeah. This is his first fucking crazy. Yeah, that's crazy. That's that's is a good this is a good paper. Yeah, this is a big one.

I mean, dude, those guys were like, I mean, the David Zaslav, like these guys were crazy as fuck fighting, like running their shit. Just, sorry, Brooks, for anyone listening, the thoughts about David Zaslav expressed on behalf of Brooks and Dave did not necessarily reflect the thoughts that Gareth Reynolds has. He's still very open to making some of these deals as the business falls into the soil. Nothing to do with David. What a great guy. Okay, sorry. I just said, I'm just comparing two titans of the industry. That's all I'm saying. I'm going to be very clear. I'm very delicate. I would not be upset if we heard that he was captured

in South America by a cartel and set on fire. So the views expressed by Dave Anthony exclusively on this podcast are those of David, George David Zaslav. Some of us are available and have writing packets ready to send in to David Zaslav. Yeah, I said straight, straight to the Z. ready to send in. To David Zasloff? Yeah, I sent him. Straight, straight to the Z. Straight to the Z.

Dzasloff at aol.com. Yeah, the pilot is called Straight to the Z. It's about you, David. It's like putting you as the Hearst on the front page. Okay, so what is the news under the Hearst? I have a little goss where,, Yeah. Yeah. I can't. Adam Silver. Adam Silver. Adam Silver. Yeah. Yeah. You will never get a better deal than this. And then like one minute later, he got a better deal from my.

Yeah. Right away. Yeah. He's like, let me call one other person. And they're like, no, yeah, it's a bad deal. We'll give you a better. You're the NBA. You are one of the things. We have to kind of play ball. Yeah. And that's all a legend. Yeah, no, that's definitely.

And again, the brick, the thoughts of Brooks about David Zasloff and the NBA are not expressed. I'm not a garrison. What is it? Yeah. This is sometimes they this is the time when they do like four headlines stacked on top of each other. A deadly feud, the fierce war for warfare between Coronado and Leody, Kansas. Hostilities renewed and a reign of terror begun.

What? It's just a headline. There's three headlines on top. It's headline line, headline line, headline line. This is Hatfield McCoy stuff or what? Yeah, that is is that towns and families. So, OK, so background on this is that in the West, especially, there was like county seats, like the town, a town one become the county seat. And then they would have all the power for the county.

Like the government would be there. And so so cities would fight over who would be the county seat. And it would sometimes just be like voting and getting mad at each other. And sometimes it would be literally killing each other. I like that. So where I was picked last in my town was the county seat. It was big. See, like, it felt good because I went to school at the county seat.

Yeah, you had all the power. And yet still, it didn't help you with the draft. See, like we felt I felt good because I went to school at the county seat. Yeah, you you had all the power and yet still it didn't help you with the draft. It's still drafted last. It's still the last. I mean, I would I would have don't take this wrong way, but I would have quit. I would have been like, man, this isn't my thing. I did. I wasn't too long after that that I did. Retire. It's called retiring. Is it called retiring if you've never been successful?

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, exactly. Okay, all right, okay. I had the opposite. My dad, he was with my coach too, and we would be driving to the tryouts, and he'd be like, do not do well. Strike out, don't catch the ball.

And I just didn't like my dad, so I would do awesome. What's his angle? He wanted me to not do well so he could pick me low. I got money on you, tankin'. I'm a kid I'm on his team automatically. But if I'm ranked high. Amazing. So I have this theory. It's not a theory. It's really true about our generation of the dads that we had. Each like basically if they didn't hit their kids that made their

mid-term they would have to be a little bit more aggressive. And I think that's a good point. I think that's a good point. I think that's a good point. really true about our generation of the dads that we had. Each like basically if they didn't hit their kids that made their met they were good dads, like 80s 90s dads. They're like, I don't hit him. I'm a good dad, because their dads hit. So just got slowly like, we don't hit anymore. And now like, I think

about it was like, if if someone asked my dad, if he was friends with his kids, my he would be like, No, I'm cool. I have my and I don't hit him. My work here is done. Yeah, I coach him at baseball. I give him a false belief and I'm pretty good. Yeah Here's what I'm doing. I don't talk too much. I gaslight them on the baseball field just gaslight the shit out of a man Gaslighting Dave's dad had a fart chair. That's a fun fact All right, go ahead. Hey Gaslighting Dave's dad had a fart chair. That's a fun fact Denver March 3rd a Wallace, Kansas special to the news says the situation of the Coronado Leoty war remains unchanged Both towns are surrounded by a strong cordon of armed men who permit no one to enter. Wow. So that's cool. So they've human walled themselves off.

Yeah, they absolutely the plot, the plot of young guns. Yeah, I mean, it's I think it's similar to, yeah, what happened in young guns is kind of what happened in the county. Yeah, they're just trying. Yeah, it's like a bunch of fucking 25 year olds Yeah, they're just trying. Yeah, it's like a bunch of fucking 25 year olds stopping the steal. Now, let's let's be honest, if we were to watch Young Guns now. Horrible, right? Terrible. It's good. I watched. No, really. Really? You did. It's it's so good, guys.

I watched it last Thanksgiving and I took my shirt off. That's how this is. The picture you've just painted. It's a phenomenal Thanksgiving yeah that is putting on young guns and losing your shirt during it yeah these young guns standing up with no shirt on in my girl was like what's going on and I was like firing on all cylinders right now this This is this is this is peak Hollywood. So great. Yeah. Everyone's killing it. Everyone is killing it.

It's good to watch an old movie and then when it holds up, I just watched a Debbie Nostales and halfway through. Yeah, everyone and your wife said, what are you doing? You said everyone's firing on all cylinders. That's exactly what I said. How come when I watched Honey, I Shrunk the Kids said the same thing and took my dick out, people left? Oh, that's weird. Well, it was at the movie theater.

Yeah. Well, yeah, that's an interesting point. That is an interesting point. Fair enough. Okay. Dude, do you know what I did recently? You know what? Can I tell you guys a full pod? That was like interesting point, fair enough. Okay, all right. Dude, do you know what I did recently? You know what I, can I tell you guys a full pause? That was like a real, like a real, a real fuck up that I had to apologize like 20 minutes later in the show about is we were doing the, I think she'll leave to her.

And they showed this old sketch and I'm moderating the show, this old sketch where Fred Willard's in it. And this is right after he had died. And I said- I think I remember this sketch, yeah. Yeah, it was a funny sketch. And then I said, that guy's a pervert, deserved to go.

And- Because he got caught jerking off in a movie theater recently. Like at the time. That's right. The crowd was like, absolutely not. Absolutely not. No, no, no. And everyone seems like we don't like that. We don't like that. And then

they show like two more sketches. And I'm fucking really from what I said, because I'm just like shook up that I did that I said that and like, two sketches later, I go, I'm really sorry about what I said about Fred Willard. And the crowd was like, the crowd had turned on me so much. They said, absolutely not. We don't, absolutely not. Now you're groveling.

Yeah. Still against you. You should have explained it. We respect you less now. All right, I stand by it. Brooks, stop talking about Fred Willard. Yeah. You should. What everyone said. Yeah. Yeah. You should. Move on. Stop.

Stop. Fred Willard. He's awesome. The reason I said that is because he would he did a Pee Wee Herman in the theater. We love him too, Brooks. Yeah. And he's I'm glad he's dead, too. That's it. Anyone who jacks off should die. Brooks, we think you should leave. That's exactly true. That's what happens. All right. OK, that's back to the thing.

The men in both towns sleep with their guns. And after gaining admission, a stranger finds a Winchester at every turn. So this sounds nice. That sounds like peak America, where everywhere you turn there's a gun. They stand in doorways, bring their guns to bear on customers, and patrol the streets of the city day and night. The county roundabout is as excited as the town and about as equally divided

Coronado sympathizers are for the most part in the town with their ammunition and guns and a Coronado man said today That within an hour 500 men would be recruited in the town ready to defend it with their lives This is Coronado, Kansas, that's right. No, it's cool. I believe it's Coronado. I think they're across the is a. OK, I think it's Colorado. I think it's Coronado, Colorado. Oh, OK. I think you did say that. Yeah. Yeah. OK. And they've just OK at the Leote cry at Leote, the cry is for revenge.

The citizens are as excited as they were on the day following the shooting, and they are unanimous in their determination to attack Coronado the the I had a really nice interview, I thought, and he came after me. Why? Wow. So I had done the year before I had done. And you should look, it's Gainesville. I'm sure I could find that. I'm sure you find the exact article. The Gator is what it's called. I had I've done Gator Grounds at the University of Florida at their fucking football stadium.

I opened for Ludacris and foster the people. And it went. Wow. OK. It went really bad. And I would think I would think you would be perfect. stadium, I opened for Ludacris and Foster the People, and it went poorly. OK. It went really bad. It's so weird. I would think you would be perfect for Ludacris. I know.

I know. And I went up after Foster the People before Ludacris. So it wasn't even like I started. It was Foster the People, fireworks, then me doing 30 minutes of stand-up. I did find the article in the opening is phenomenal. Keep going. OK.

Oh my god. Great. Great. Great. OK. So I want you to read this because I don't remember it. I just remember I go back a year later. I'm doing this place called the High Dive.

And they were like, hey, they want to do an interview with you. And I was like, great. Promote the show. Cool punk rock show. 17,000 people were at that other one. I hope like, they want to do an interview with you. And I was like, great, promote the show, cool punk rock show. 17,000 people were at that other one. I hope like a hundred people want to come to this after that. And I have this interview and I explained my point of view on why I thought the show didn't go well

and why I'm excited to come back and redeem myself. And then I get to Gainesville and you have this article, I don't know what it says, but I think the headline is something about disgraced comedian returns to Gainesville. After a drunk Gatorgold performance, comedian Brooks Whelan returns to Gainesville. Here's how it starts.

I can't get the full article, but here's how it starts. Some may remember Brooks Whelan as the comedian who performed belligerently drunk and Gator growled 2014. With homecoming approaching, some of us may find ourselves looking back to that fateful night two years ago when Ludacris and Faust and the people were met with a warm reception and Whelan was booed off the stage. Today he returns to town to perform at the high dive. I had the opportunity to speak with Whelan about his experience of his self-proclaimed

worst performance ever. Quote, I'm totally going to talk about the gator growl at my show at the high dive. Wheeler said, it's actually part of my routine, the story of my worst performance. I get asked what my worst performance was a lot. It's easy to say it was the gator growl without hesitation. It was so bad. So this article came out after I had a nice hour-long conversation the Oh shit, that's good stuff. I was told before that Gator Crowd performance too, the kids who picked me up, they were like, the last two comics fucking ate shit. And I was like, who were the last two comics?

And they said Tracy Morgan and Dane Cook. And I was like, I think those guys are pretty good. You don't think they're good? Fuck. Plus, they already don't like me. the We're on our homecoming. It's so fucking funny. All right, back to the war. Yeah, yeah. Charlie Coulter and Bill Rains, the ringleaders of the Lyotii crowd, went over to Coronado on Sunday morning

and drank considerable whiskey and beer. There you go. Coulter, who was a desperado of the worst type. Soon about to put on what they would call, quote, the worst performances of their lives I don't know the last guys weren't that good at shooting them. Oh, yeah, who are the last guys Wyatt Earp and Billy the kid? I mean, they're pretty good Cowboys College Cowboys those guys would rock a college.

They're good shots. The worst part too was I couldn't defend, I was drunk, but I had to be like, I've done standup drunker. Yeah, right. And it didn't go that, like, that's not a way to get out of that, to be like, it's been worse. It wasn't the alcohol.

Yeah. It's been worse. It wasn't the alcohol. Yeah. It's so funny. Dude, the craziest part two of that show, dude, it was so insane. Cause it was, it was $10,000. I got paid $10,000. Jesus. And I started yelling,

I'm getting paid $10,000 to bomb. Oh no. Oh my God. Fred Willard should die. It's just doubling down. A woman came out, a woman, it was like, they didn't come on my mic, a girl from their school came out and she put, she touched me and she said,

you can stop. And that's how I contractually was going to hit my time. And then the worst part was the next morning, next morning, go to the airport, get to the airport, I left my check for $10,000 on the hotel. Oh, my and realized I could not ask these people to cut me another check. Oh, my God. And like miss my flight, drove back and got the check. Because I was like, wow, I have the better. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah.

OK, hey, hey, you know, I was really drunk at the gig. I actually left my check. Can I get the worst part, too, is the kids who brought me. I was like, hey, can you guys give me a ride home afterwards? I go, we really want to stay and watch Ludacris. And I was like, OK. And then he killed and he was so good. And afterwards, Ludacris, Ludacris for real told me,

hey, man, I thought you were funny. And I was like, that's you didn't. And that's OK. No better than the alternative. And Fajr, the people dudes, I was drinking on their bus afterwards and they were like, yeah, it was a rough crowd. I'm like, you have pumped up kicks. Fuck you. Okay. That was really hard. Yeah. They just kept shouting, we're getting paid $100,000 during it. I'm getting paid $10,000 to bomb is maybe the craziest thing I've ever done.

It's pretty good. Yeah. I was so mad. I get it. Yeah, I get it. Bad guy. Bad guy behavior. Don't do that anymore.

I don't get paid $10,000. No, no. Yeah, there's that also. Yeah. Coulter, who was a desperate of the worst type and who is the fourth in the family in Lyoti, who died with his boots on, promised to return the beer consumed. Wow.

How is that possible? He must, he must. Put his fingers down his throat? Maybe, or maybe he's going to go get beer and bring beer back. OK, sure. I like the idea that he's going to throw it up aggressively. Oh, yeah. OK. He and Reigns, beer, Limey, got the beer

and with five of his companions, only three of whom were armed, returned in a wagon. They visited the druggist who was sick in his bed and made him get up. Coulter ordered him to dance and fired his gun at his feet to make him obey. Jesus Christ, that's poor druggist. These are the bad guys, I think. Yeah. That's some shitty stuff. To be fair, most of the people had just done pretty well.

And they were they were they were a little nervous. The druggist, however, offer to treat if Coulter would lower the gun. The offer was accepted and the men then went into the street. And according to the story, began firing indiscriminately. What was the deal? I think he was like, I will don't worry about paying for the beer, because I think he was replacing the beer. So he was like, Oh, don't worry about paying for the beer, because I think he was replacing the beer. So don't worry about it.

I got it. And then they're like, all right, cool. We'll massacre the town. He was like, you know how negotiations were. Wait, what? A Coronado man was struck. A Coronado man was struck in the head with the butt of a gun. Oh, no.

But my brother, my oldest brother got up, I think was called. It was a paintball gun called like a copperhead when he was like in high school. And I remember the copperhead. Yeah. Pointed at my brother and said dance and started shooting it at his feet. And my brother wouldn't dance. So then my other brother shot him in the face with the. Oh, my God. Straight to face. And then my brother said like, what if that hit my eye?

And like my other brother's like, true, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Like wouldn't dance to shot him in the head. The young gun's shirt removal makes a little more sense. That tracks a little harder for me now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some more context. A Coronado man was struck over the head with the butt of Coulter's gun.

The Loomis brothers interfered and requested the Leote men to stop abusing the citizens. Coulter turned on both the Loomis brothers and struck at them. He performed the old Plainsman's trick. By hitting the best. That's one of the best way by hitting Bob Loomis over the head and shooting John Loomis in the leg at the same time.

Yeah, the old Plainsman, a lot of people aren't using the old Plainsman trick. I think, you know, the laws have changed, but it's a good one where you just hit a guy with the butt of a gun and then shoot his brother in the leg. Yeah. The old one too. Yeah A lot of people come at you and say is it a trick and that's when you pull the trick again To those people You also have to think about how you how crazy and how much you had to be running away from society To have been living in Colorado in 1887.

Like these are crazy. Yes. Yes. Yes, they are definitely the people. Yeah, it definitely tracks with the sort of person who's like, I like it wild. I like a little spice. Like 80 percent of the people, 80 percent of the people know how to hit someone over the head and shoot another guy in the leg at the same time. Yeah, it's the same time. That's the move. That's good. Yeah, that's amazing. My joke about Alaska was everyone in Alaska like claims like

they're like, I came up to visit, but I live here because it's so nice. Also, manslaughter in Virginia is why I'm here. Like I have to be here. Also mainland manslaughter. Yeah, I can't go near Washington. Yeah. Yeah. That's this whole town. The Leone crowd then began firing at two of the citizens who were running up the street. A dozen Coronado men who had gathered in the store then opened fire and Coulter seemed to be the target.

The firing only continued for a moment and when the smoke cleared away, Reigns, Coulter and Watkins, who were on the pavement, had fallen to the ground dead. Well, they deserved it. Not necessarily. I kind of like like I think they're the heroes. I mean, I don't mean to push back, but really. Yeah, I feel like those guys are. Is the heroic part that they when they were going to shoot the drug is the bunch. OK, that's fair.

The guy was. Well, they just wanted him to dance. They're going to shoot. Yeah, it's called Save the Cat, Dave. It's called Save the Cat, Dave. My favorite part about Save the Cat also is the guy who wrote this book that teaches us how to write movies only wrote blank check. I think he wrote Legally Blonde too, but I also, it is very funny when he's like look you want to talk about setting the foundation when I wrote the Brian Bonsall classic blank check about an 11 year old who gets a blank check and then bangs Duff the VJ who's a grown woman as 11 let me walk you through story idiots

Let me walk you through story, idiots. The other men who were in the wagon, James Dudding and Johnson were seriously wounded, and the seventh man escaped that injury. Okay. The dead men were permitted to lie in the street until midnight. Oh, that's nice of them. There were 14 boys in Colt's body. You guys have a permit. You know, let them go. That's fine. Just hang. Let them hang out. They seem chill. There are 14 bullets in Coulter's body.

That's a lot. That's a lot. Plenty. That's a lot for not an AR 15. Like that is very true. Automatic weapons. There are there. Go ahead. very true. They're not automatic weapons. Go ahead, say it. They had to reload. Yeah. That's not just like a spray. They just are very careful. Yeah, they're like, pretty sure he's dead. He's like, I'll just do another round. That's reloading twice.

Yeah, that's twice. That's two reloads and a couple extras. Can you imagine killing someone? Reload it. Continuing to kill them. And then be like, I need another reload. That's so fucking crazy. And not being a cop. Yeah, oh, here we go.

If that's where he would just be like, trust me, it's gonna get funny again. That's how this comedy stuff works They're gonna think it's awful at 9 at 12. They'll be giggling again And at 14 is gonna be fucking sterile. That's what we It's called not just the what was what was the other move this joke doesn't work anymore. Oh the plane plane The what was what was the other move? This joke doesn't work anymore. Oh, the plane plane planesman plane. It's not just the planesman.

This is the family guy. You just keep hitting them with it. Yeah, this is a little family guy. I said this joke wouldn't work and it didn't. You know, when I wrote blank check, we knew that we had to fill in the bad guy with 15 bullets. That was the magic number. 14 bullets is so many bullets.

It's a lot. It's a lot of bullets. So Johnson, who was the least injured and not dead, as reported, said he and his companions went to Coronado at the invitation of some friends. They were having a little fun in the street. Probably fired a few shots, but harm no one. Right. He acknowledged that they had been drinking, but were not drunk. That's my that's the Gator growl. I mean, they

would have they would have a reverse beer run. They were hammered. Ah, they called it the Gator growl. That's so funny. The halfway stage, which connects with the conveyance from Lioti and Coronado left Wallace this morning, taking the first mail received there since last Saturday. It appears from the intelligence at hand that two Lioti men

who were not engaged in the trouble Sunday left this town and started for Coronado. The court, the outpost of Coronado opened fire on them at once. One of the men was shot and the other's hat riddled with bullets. The horse of one man was killed. We got to take him out and his buddy's hat and the horse and the wh horror, the fucking horse. The two men returned to Liyoti and told the story and then great excitement followed and a party was organized to visit Coronado.

But they turned around before reaching. Hmm. The report is confirmed that a general fight may occur there at any moment, although it is probable that the sides may wait until Thursday next when the election occurs. Well, there we go. That this is like it's. I remember watching over a great part. Remember what?

It's great. I watched movie Bray Hart when I was like, Braveheart when I was like 10 and I asked my dad, did they really kill those horses? And he goes, yeah, they really killed the horses and it made me cry really. Look, man, I don't fucking know how movies work. Did they kill those fucking horses? That's so good. Yeah. Yes. You're the worst baseball player in the town.

And quite frankly, I don't think academia is going to be a strength. The horses died, Brooks. Yeah yeah it's like they did he's like yeah yeah they stabbed him with those pulls they all took out Mel Gibson's guts yeah yeah and no yeah you're a good baseball player too yeah he wasn't wrong yeah to be to be mad that his son might think they kill horses for movies. What the fuck am I doing that this kid thinks they kill horses? He's so mad at you. Very easy to just be like, oh no, of course not, buddy.

No, no, they do a whole bunch of... My son's an idiot. Yeah, they're dead, dummy. My son's an idiot. Yeah, they're dead, dummy. The Boston Globe has been informed that a man recently died in San Francisco who was never known to smile. The informant is correct. The man was a teetotaler.

A teetotaler? Doesn't drink. Oh, well. Wait, so that's a joke? Not a gator growl. Yeah. Is it? I don't, I think he's just taking a dig at people who don't drink.

Yeah. The man who never smiles doesn't drink. Is that what it is? That makes sense. I definitely get a little happier after a couple pops. I'm more fun to be around. Eh. Shut up, Dave.

I don't know if I'm more fun to be around. Shut up, Dave. I don't know if I'm more fun to be around. I know I'm more right. Yeah. I will be much more positive in my opinion. Shirt off at Thanksgiving while watching Young Guns. I've never been more right. Look how correct I'm being.

This is art. This is a peak. There's a story going the rounds that a Kentuckian applied for the Russian mission and as descriptive of his character urged the preposterous proposition that he never drank whiskey nor used tobacco, the entire Kentucky delegation in Congress rose up as one man protesting that the fellow was a fraud. That is an exceptional era when if you claim you haven't gotten drunk or smoked cigarettes or pipe tobacco that you are considered a unicorn. Yeah, totally.

Is that what that's saying, right? Yeah, yeah. And that no one believes. Yeah, totally. Is that what that's saying, right? Yeah, yeah. And that no one believes. Yeah, no one believes. No one buys your bullshit. No way. Sir. What is this news story? How is this? That is also a great question. That I don't know. Why is it? We just had a whole we had a whole long article about a towns fighting. And now it's like the town fighting makes sense.

Yes. Randolph Hearst taking over a newspaper. That is news. This guy who doesn't drink and sucks like I don't. We don't even need to know. You did editorialize that he sucks, by the way. It said he never smiled. Said he never smiled. Yeah. Fair. Fair.

That's a guy who sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, OK. It is, but that's what happens in these a lot of times. It's like, many times in these old papers, you'll be like, why is that in here? Yeah. What is happening right now?

Like, it was almost just like a way for a guide of a piece of puzzle together more than it was to make a bunch of news. You know what? Also it's no different. It's different than the squirrel water skiing thing. No, my best friend when we were in college, we went to the University of Iowa and we would watch KWWL news, which was channel nine or something.

No, that was channel seven. But we would watch the news in our town of Iowa, Iowa city, and we would cackle, yelling, they think this is news. Because they would just be like, shit, it doesn't matter. And he's like, this is newsworthy here. Look how sad our town is. It is. The local news is the best. Wherever I go to do a show, a lot of times I will watch the local news and be like, what are they talking about? This is crazy. No, it's amazing. There's nothing better than the local news.

I remember when I moved to Kansas City, I put on the local news and I come from Iowa and the first news story was a local baby stabbed. And I was like, this is different news. This is real news. This is newsworthy. How did that happen? Did they say did they say what the baby did?

It's true. Well, the baby was running a convenience store and you go. Should again, Rob. Yeah, they did. Baby babies don't understand how robberies work. Right. No, their brains are too low. No, like what having a baby is bold We saw so this guy Bruce. Ounie was the head of the news in my hometown and

We saw him at a high V one time which is a grocery store Yeah, my buddy buddy goes he screams in the middle of high V. Look everyone Bruce Ounie shops at high V Just like the rest of us look everyone Bruce Downey shops at Hy-V just like the rest of us. I was like, Jesus Christ, put the magnums back. He put his head down and everyone started being like, Bruce Downey's here. Bruce Downey's here. I was the hardest I've ever laughed. Shout out to Bruce Downey. Yeah, shout out to Bruce Ouney. Good for him.

The Tsar of Russia is reported to have visited Paris and Paris recently in disguise. What? That's what you hope that you say that when you then you have. It's a great opener. That is an 1887 fucking headline. Yeah, it is. Totally is. He came, says Rumer, to confer with President Grieve on the situation in Europe, and he was accompanied by two attendants and a large dog.

The dog also in disguise as a panther. Can you imagine going in going in disguise with your security and your dog? Then no one can know that I am important. So I'll just bring entire security team and we'll bring all luggage. Doug, that's very recognizable. What will you wear? Regular outfit, I think, but if anyone else, I am a James Smith, Smith or corn or something.

I work at a steel mill. I make big, big steel things for people. Nobody knows just what connection the dog could have had with the situation in Europe. I got to guess none. What? None. What are they talking about?

We think the dog is really the czar. It's a working dog. It's not, some dogs are there to be your pet and other dogs are there for a job. What's the dog doing? No, as the czar's as the czar's mission was secret, it seems indiscreet in him to have had a tale bearer in his company. So he had a guy.

When you say tale bearer, my fear is that. Oh, OK. All right. I thought it was an additional. No, it's just the dog. OK. So by the way, the way story this story is pretty much Russians are Dresses up in disguise goes to Paris We're really won't talk about his dog for a little bit now. Yep, the tail bear. Yep. That's right. Yep, just like Anything else just that always good. They're like that also the dog the tail bearer. Yep. Yep. Just like anything else.

They always go, they're like, but also the dog. The tail bearer. That article could have been so much more interesting. But instead, they just bail and be like, man, he had a dog. Anyway. It's basically, it's like 1887 TMZ of like, guess what the dog was wearing? the It's it's crazy. It's a fair ask Maybe he doesn't want to be bothered or He's some kind of enemy situation. It's straight. We don't know we just know that the dogs there and the dog No

Dog matters Chinese pork, ah Finally, this is gonna be this is this isn't gonna be racist at all. I will say buckle up. It could get bad here It's racist bingo a Man named Patrick Hogan was seen walking along 9th Street in a suspicious manner last evening and having under each arm a ham and a shoulder of bacon. That's so fucking baller. You know what I'm realizing right now is San Francisco in 1887 was Cedar Rapids, Iowa

in 2005. This is the same amount of not news. It's just a fucking hillbilly town. They have to have news for. And pork carrying probably pretty close to the amount of pork an average citizen would be like, Hey, it's Saturday. I got shoulder officer Norton to cost him. And as the man could not give a satisfactory account as to how he obtained the meat,

he was arrested and taken to the southern station. How do you not have your meat alibi ready? This is like when you bring it's like when you bring cash to the airport and they're like, how'd you get all this cash? And then they take it. But in this time, it's meat. But how do you not prep a lie? But also, this is like this is how you get a DUI.

Like you hindsight is 20 20. This is like an early DUI. You stole some meat. You got asked why and you fucking pan it. Yeah, no, really. Yeah, he did not. I mean, it's so easy to come in in 1887 to not be able to come up like literally be like, I found a pig and cut it. They beg. That's pretty good.

All right, sir. On you go. But he just bought he was like, ah, he probably but he if we all know cops so it's the guy the cop goes up and he has and he's probably like i'm just i bought it to have at home and i'm gonna feed my family and he's like come on come on and then arrested him yeah maybe yeah i don't i mean i could also see you know i could see them being like can we sniff the pork no well now we have probable cause so we have to sniff the pork. Do you think cops have always sucked,

or when did they start? Do you know what I mean? Do you hear what I'm saying? Like, 1700s cop, like, bad to... No, because there's two kinds of cops in America, so they started in two different ways. The first way was in the South to capture slaves. Great, good. Not a great start way was in the south to capture slaves. Great. Good.

Not a great start for listeners who are new to the show. Good. Good. Good guys. And the other way, the other way was up in the northeast to protect property. OK. All right. Well, and both still seem to exist pretty strongly. That's what it honestly should say on the side of the cards that are protected to protect and serve to protect the property of the rich. Okay, a little more honest. Do the rebrand.

We should start stenciling that on cop cars. Oh my. Yeah. Good luck there. Good night. I went on a few dates with this girl who's really cool and met her dad who was a LAPD cop for 40 years. It is shaking the foundation of my ideas that cop. Because I like this guy and it's so confusing.

But if you saw him on the street, you'd be like, oh my God. Look, I'm just saying it's the first cop I've had like real nice, and I'm not defending police, but it is crazy that this guy's cool. I've known cops and I've liked cops, but then I also know that like a buddy of mine that I went to school with when I was a kid, grew up and became a cop and I was like, well, Mark's got to be a good guy.

And then I heard he broke someone's arm for no reason. Yeah, but they were resisting. I already know they were resisting. I did a show the other night and there was a sheriff in the audience. And when I started talking about stealing from the electronic, like he was just there to see the show. And then I started talking about stealing from the electronic, like he was just there to see the show. And then I started talking about stealing from the electronic checkout and how everyone should do that.

And he started clapping so loudly. I was like, sir, are you a fantastic sheriff? I was like, this is great news. I mean, dude, I was I have so many this this dude was a cop in the LAPD from the 80s through the 90s. And I was like, what was like... By the run. Exactly.

I was like, he's filling me in on like what the fucking riots were like from his point of view. And I'm like, this is fascinating. Like, he's like, yeah, I was like, what about the OJ case? He's like, Mark Furman, that guy, I knew him. He's just like, he thought he thought he was too cool. And I'm like, this is insane that you know this shit. Yeah.

Rodney King was a white guy, Brooke. Yeah. Right. Hey, what? Now, how'd you get all that ham? Murphy's Wake. Finally. Is that a Chicago?

A well-known steamboat mate, Charles Murphy, who died at the Marine Hospital yesterday, was given a somewhat remarkable wake last night. OK. Murphy's relatives are said to be very wealthy and live in San Francisco. In their absence, a self-appointed committee of the dead man's river acquaintances took charge of the remains. River acquaintances is just awesome. It's not not not good. Not bad acquaintances.

River acquaintances, drug guys. Pretty good name for a band. Yeah, I heard you open for river acquaintances and it didn't go great. Well, that's not my fault. The River acquaintances fan base is mean. Yeah, yeah. The body was properly laid out in an undertaker's shop with a great number of Murphy's old friends

made their way to the place. Weird. Early in the evening. We're going to go get drunk with Murphy who died. Well, early in the evening, a supply of stimulants to keep the mourners awake during the long vigil. So we're going to go down to the Undertaker's, do some blow off of Murphy and just keep eulogizing him until it makes sense. Stimulant to keep him up for the Murphy wake. A keg of beer was tapped. All right. So we're going to drink.

We're going to fucking do keg stands and kebabs until Murphy comes back to life. It is. It's a that's a pretty drunk, coked up move to be like, we got to make sure he's really dead, man. We got to hang out. Just around him. We just got to like cutting lines on him. What if he's a lot of. Like, I'll tell you.

Here's my favorite Murphy story, and then I'll tell you mine. I cook. As the small hours advanced, one of the watchers who had partaken freely stumbled against the coffin supports. That end of the coffin fell from its stand to the floor and emptied out the corpse. Oh, fuck me. Oh, my God. A table and shaking down seven lighted candles onto the dead man's face. Onto his face. So they fucking did kebabs and kegs fans until they knocked Murphy's casket over.

Murphy falls, drops out, then a bunch of shit falls on him, including hot lit candles that go to his head. This is like what happens to OJ Simpson and naked gun. It's like what happens to OJ Simpson in Naked Gun. It's like, what is happening? That's what your LAPD insider tells you. You know, that was actually real life LAPD stuff when OJ was playing Norbert. Can you imagine getting so hammered at your buddy's funeral that you knock him off and then spill on him? the

the level of Party, it's just it's it's beyond it's that's over. You can't go back. No ever, you know, you know, and they did it They were like Murphy's back at it. Look at him go. Hey look his head's a candle a Hey, look, his head's a candle. A scene of the wild wildest excitement ensued, which increased when it was discovered that the clothing of the corpse was blazing at a cremation and conflagration. So they are now suggesting that they are going to lean in and let this be the cremation? I guess. I mean, he's on fire. Like, I'm aware. I guess I mean, he's on fire like I'm aware.

The mourners were equal to the emergency and after a great confusion, put out the fire and righted the corpse and the coffin. Jesus Christ. So they let him burn for a while. Do you know about the Graham, how they burned Graham Parsons? Do you guys know about that story? No. What? Oh, you should look this up. This is a solid story. Graham Parsons. No. What? Oh, you should look this up. This is a solid story. Graham Parsons.

He said he wanted to be cremated and he like OD'd in Joshua Tree. This is like the 70s. He's like manager and his buddy, like other famous musicians abduct his body from L.A.X. I have heard this. Drive it back to Joshua Tree, it his casket with gas and light him on fire Wow like the 70s And they were that's total 70s though. Yeah, and then like in interviews. They're like, yeah, we were pretty You know the problem with cocaine is no just doesn't feel ready You know, the problem with cocaine is no just doesn't feel right. We shouldn't is that something you like saying.

Graham would have wanted gas all over him. Even though his parents were like, we'd like his body. We wanted to bury him and they were like, nah, that's lame. We should have talked a little more yesterday about the idea you had in mind because you guys sounded pretty vague. So we ripped it pretty hard out there. We did like a desert Viking thing. Yeah. Look, I'll be honest, your plans sound lovely, but Graham's body is no longer around. What you're pitching is simply not an option, man.

We could bury the idea. How about this? You just give us that idea to casket and we'll bury it because that's the closest you're going to have to grieving over something real. Graham is no longer human. Affairs gradually quieted down to such an extent that a number of the wakers fell asleep, many dropping out of their chairs on the floor. What the fuck? Who that is?

It's it's these all independently could work at awake, but together to have people falling asleep while Murphy was just on fire. I mean, you sound like like a guy who doesn't like to party when they say stimulants. Are they talking about coke? I don't think so. Probably something else. Okay. Although they could be. I mean, they had coke man. I think yeah, I think they cocaine. But that's when they were just like maybe coax for surgery. Dumbass.

Then came the climax of the occasion. Finishing. Coffins were brought out of the ware rooms and one sleeper after another put into them until there were 17 men in coffins when daylight broke. No, this isn't real. They they started sleeping

in coffins. Yeah, this is a school. They passed out. And so then people pick them up and put them in coffins. Yeah, this is the house that they passed out. And so then people pick them up and put them in coffins. I can't. No, this is what you do. But I'm glad that William Randolph Hearst is maintaining the legacy of this newspaper. Yeah, by the way, Hearst first. First of all, I was like, we need a banger. Do you understand me? Do you understand me?

This is going big. This has to be like I'm thinking like this has to be lies. This is no way this fucking all. Well, Hearst did start yellow journalism. That's what I'm saying. So there's no way he could be. But that's why he put like before it, he he was like a man was arrested for too much pork also Get ready for something

Yeah, this this article's headline should be buckle up yeah Fucking crazy This is the most insane like in the history of the world. This is the craziest thing I've heard about a death where everyone got fucked up, dropped the body, spilled on it, then kept drinking and passed out off chairs. So they slept in coffins like that.

This is fucking vampire stuff. These are what vampires. Not a man of them, however, failed to straighten up enough to join the concourse that followed the body to the grave in the afternoon. So they were so fucking passed out that they didn't make it to the funeral. Actual funeral. They I think we're all saying the same thing, which is that they sound like pretty good friends.

Yeah. We'd all be lucky to have guys like that at our thing. The pallbearers died. Unfortunately, the pallbearers are in those caskets. There's a lot of caskets now. We need a lot of guys now to carry. I was late to my grandpa's funeral, which is what you do. And I got there and I had no idea it was a pallbearer at all.

Oh my God. Yeah, so like, carry him. I go, what? Someone should have told me. I wouldn't have been late. I didn't mean to be late, but I would have been less late. Yeah, I would have definitely been late. Yeah. I would have definitely. Should we just, should we try five?

It's a lot of weight on our side. I don't know, where's Brooks? Is it Gainesville? And then, dude, and then, okay, so then we bury, so this is Jefferson City, Missouri. We bury him and we're at his, we're at the grave and stones throw away. I'd say 50 feet is a big old Confederate memorial

and I'm like on the other side is that a Union memorial since this is like a state where you could pick and it wasn't and so I was the only guy at the funeral being like I don't think he'd want to be buried here. The guy was pretty Union. Like, quiet Brooks, we talked about this before you showed up. If you want to talk about grandpa being near Confederate flags, get out here on time. I was so pissed. He doesn't like this. He's not. He's a good guy. All right. He was at Closet Confederate. No. Well, well, no, he wasn't, of course. Well, Brooks. Thank you for joining us That was a wild ride and what I like about your episode is that we read a headline about you and it was top two

craziest That's a first for the show Appreciate it people go follow you Brooks wheel and keep an eye out for your Wild Alaska Special. And thank you for joining us. No, you guys are the best. I really appreciate it. This is a fun show. Thanks, Brooks.

I think you're good guys, but for different reasons. Both good reasons. Thanks, Brooks. Some of these days, you'll miss me honey. Some of these days.