The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 92 - The Past Times with James Adomian

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian James Adomian. Watch his special Path of Most Resistance.  Redbubble Merch

So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence you have a kitchen you have a yard you know it's communal living it's just a less stressful place more enjoyable experience so when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour

in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb you know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb.

Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. All right, everybody. Welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. The great James Adomian.

Hello James! Hello Gareth! Hello! Say hi to Dave, otherwise it's kind of weird. Well hello Dave also. Okay good. Well Dave didn't help that. Now, James, I've said this pretty much every time you've joined us,

that you have a probably top two quote on the show. You've done two dollops, and you have a tattooable quote. So it's a pretty good batting average. If anyone has tattooed that. They have. And I want to see that. Has anyone removed it?

And many have removed it. Might and I the laser. Your catchphrase, might and I the gristle on the dollop, it's number one with a bullet. Might and I the gristle? Yes. Yes. But, James, you're more than just a catchphrase machine. You also have a special coming out called Path of Most Resistance.

So where's the best place for people to make sure you benefit from your hard work? It's out now if you want to pay for it on 800lbGorillaPayWhatYouWant, 800lb want 800 pound gorilla media.com and otherwise path of most resistance comes out September 19th on a widely available wherever wherever your platforms are to to rent to rent to own To rent to own to purchase that to purchase to rent put a down payment on you could stream it As of September 19th, it'll be available everywhere Except a major television network, Path of Most Resistance. Can I lease to own?

You can lease to own, yeah. I think that was an option. We have layaway options. Oh, that's great. How many easy payments would you say it is? Two easy payments of $12.99. OK, great. And also, we should point out that you joined us

for our 10th anniversary show, which I think people can still get. They can still buy up until November. Yeah, they can still buy that bad boy. Do you remember where it is? And then does it go into your cassette tape archive behind you, Dave? Yes, yes. Then it's just an 8-track.

It's on peeps. Veeeps. Veeeps. If I say peeps, yeah. You said pe Peeps. That is just an 8-track. It's on Peeps. Peeps. Veeps. Veeps. If I say Peeps, yeah. You said Peeps. I had the name wrong.

But Peeps, wouldn't Peeps be a better name? I don't think it's time for us to do that, if I'm going to be totally honest with you. Okay, so James, you have a special. We cannot recommend people go check out your special enough. You are truly a legend. One of the... you're special enough. You are truly a legend. You know, James, before you did our show, one time I saw you outside of Amoeba and I went, wow, that's James Adomian. This is a while ago. So you are a legend from the outside looking in and the inside looking

out. And now you would see me outside of Amoeba and you would go, that used to be James Adomian. That was. And look at him now wandering around the empty lot that used to be amoeba. Now we should say he yeah he wasn't he wasn't going into the amoeba this is James was sleeping on the street. Oh yeah no he was no there was there was definitely some ruckus. Um yeah okay James so we're gonna go through a silly through a silly little paper from a year. We like to have a guess as to what year this paper will be. Dave, do you want to just read anything as a clue?

We've really varied up here as to how we arrive at our guests. A blind guess? Well we'll get, this won't help, but uh. The front page is all um, ads, so uh. Okay, so I'd say 2024? The very middle, top headline, poetry! Okay, great. So James, if that influences you, uh, have a stab.

I'm gonna guess here, okay. I'm gonna guess that it's 1924. Good guess. I'm gonna go further back. Poems to me says slow, slow news. I'm gonna say 1891. You're both way off. Look they got rid of poems in the paper in the mid 1800s. So this is, this is 1880. 1880. I feel like I was very far off. Okay. Feels again. James might have been closer.

Again, I think, I mean, it's not a math podcast. I mean, poetically closer. Yeah, that's unfair. Because that is true. That can be accurate. 1924 feels more like 1880 than 1891 does. That's right. 1891 was what, Grover Cleveland times? Yes. Benjamin Harrison or Grover Cleveland, one of those guys.

What's the difference? Beards and mustaches. It's all, the numbers are mostly about vibes. But in 1880, that's the that's the that's the James Garfield election. Is it not is it? No, I think it's clay and Oh, sorry 1830 oh You was 18. Oh, wow. We've got mistakes all around The the the own guy the guy even guessed his own year wrong Yeah, I can't hear you now. Now. You're now. You've silenced yourself me too. I'm huge yourself. No Gareth

I can't hear Gareth. Yeah, I can't hear Gareth. I can't hear you can't hear you Gareth. You're not good at this. I Did a self mute anyway, I was full of right back can you self mute more often? No, I won't maybe maybe the computer did that just because you were I was full of rage. Ow. He's back. I was full of rage. Can you self-mute more often? No. I will not. Well, maybe the computer did that just because you were mad about the date. Well, I just think it's crazy that you got the date wrong and you have the paper.

James made the point. No, the reason I did that was because. No, because the. You're angry. I looked at the paper and it's smudged. That's normally helpful. It's like smudged. 1830. 1830. 1830. So that's like smudged. That's normally helpful. It's like smudged, so. 1830.

1830. 1830. So that's like Jackson. Tracked all of my riffs. Jackson play time. Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

That's the bank of the United States not receiving its renewal. Yes. What a name something that's going on right now in 1830, Gareth There's a lot of muting. I Should meet myself now. That's the move All right, Dave. What is the paper? What are we dealing with? We're dealing with the Wilming Wilmington, Delaware, Delaware Gazette

Terrible little redundant. Yes, November 5th 1830. Okay. All right. Let's party. More news from the East. They're in the East. Great. Yep. Well, then it's Delaware. I mean, I feel like Delaware could still live off of that headline. You think it's not the East?

Now, is it news about crabbing out in the Chesapeake Bay? No, I don't even know what to say about this. Because that would be further east. That would be further east. Yeah, okay, yeah. Old Connecticut again! Drawing of the Connecticut lottery, number 17, 41, 32, 35, 39, 54, and seven.

Combination two, 30, 35, the second capital prize of 2000 dolls what there's none of this is that's gotta be it they have to have abbreviated dollars right like they couldn't oh yeah and they didn't have they had lost the a and R typeset abbreviate everything this week this is the hardest paper to write I'm also very surprised they have the lottery. I am too. That to me feels like a sad sort of more dystopian time like the era we're in now. They would not have had those fancy white balls that they use for power balls or something.

No. They would have had none of those updates. It would have mostly been dice based, I assume. Right. Yeah. Or just paper. Like sad wooden dice. Yeah. That were like three sided.

Yeah. Yeah. So it looks like it's actually in my name. They just called it dolls. And also also that's news from the East? Yeah, that's what I'm really thrown by. So it's like Delaware Pines from being able to have their own lottery, which seems pretty straightforward and impossible. This is just an ad.

And it's not news. I mean, they are lottery numbers. It's an ad. Tickets are $10. That's a lot of money back then. Very high, yeah. Oh wait. That's like a $300. It's hard to read, but it might be.

It's 19th. Tickets, a thousand quarters, $2.50. I don't know what these numbers mean. Yeah, I guess they had the lottery back then. I mean, I always thought the lottery was, because the lottery was created by I think black dudes and then the whites came in and stole the lotteries and made it better. Oh the white mafia. The white mafia came in and stole it from the black dudes that were doing it. Pretty cool stuff. There's your history. Do you think this was like

Connecticut jumping into like talk shit about Delaware in their own newspaper? lottery's winning up here boys! Yeah, yeah. We've got so much money we give it away you fools! Five dollar reward ran away from the subscriber on Saturday the 12th day of September last a yellow boy named James Legg I'm worried James Legg I don't think I don't think it's racist I think they're just calling him

it's just a fearful child like a little yeah like a coward okay he's yellow right um yeah about 15 years of age he is silly and very slow of speech. One eye is larger than the other. I don't know if he's just yellow. Now silly, silly was intended to be very offensive. Uh-huh, yes. Oh, was, okay. When you called, you're a silly man. How dare you, sir?

Because it feels medical. It does. All these terms also could be, they always age like terribly, but they're just like, you know, he's a legal lunatic. Madam, I'm sorry to inform you that your son is silly. He's, unfortunately, we got the results back.

The boy will have to be put to sea. His blood results came back, he's a huge goofball, man. Unfortunately. I was gonna look up silly, but it's just gotten... Silly? Yeah, I can't, the whole, whatever it's just gotten Silly yeah, I can't the whole whatever's happening Man, I I just remember when the Google was decent Yeah, it has changed very recently

It's like I usually don't use it, but I just this was the what do you use your Bing boy? I use your Bing bro browser called brave now I usually don't use it, but I just, this was the... What do you use? Your Bing boy? Your Bing bro? Browser called Brave now. Brave. Brave. You used the whole browser called Brave. Yeah, see.

You ever use Silly? But, download Silly today. You should get Silly Dave. It's really unhelpful. You thought Google was unhelpful. Get Silly. He is silly and very slow of speech. One eye is larger than the other. A down look when spoken to.

This is tough. Keeps his head a little on one side, has large feet and a remarkable walk, taking long strides and a great swagger. I mean, the swagger's not possible, but I highly recommend people to YouTube and watch this. In 1830, this is how they would do like a Carol Burnett bit.

Yeah, right. Yeah, it is Dorphy. They didn't have TV, so it was like the way you'd put out sheet music. You would put out how to do the impression for all the dads around the town. Oh, he's got one hand on the side and he has a strange walk It has the feet with like the little steps on it so you could walk silly the silly walk one two three four He looks like a young Tim Conway Man, I really thought that was in the paper for a moment. I can't read this word, but

When he went back away a black, gray roundabout and yellow Nanking pantaloons, the latter of which are too large to fit him. So he's wearing pants that are too big for him. There is, I'm not even trying to be rude and I'll be delicate, but the child is not right correct and they're just like what a silly boy no yeah he sounds like he's got some yeah some physical issues yeah I want this newspaper to continue as he loped with his long legged stride it's a bone did accompany him he's fast feet, six noses. Of course in 1830, they had not invented the modern trombone. It was known as the short trombone back then, which was basically less able, less impressive

than just a regular bugle. Silly as well. Yeah, a tiny bugle. A New York black man and a Kentuckian. Not long since a gentleman from Kentucky. Gotta enjoy the fact that we know the Kentuckians white because race is not called out. Yeah, you don't, you don't. And a regular. Yes. We're gonna enjoy the fact that we know the Kentuckians white because race is not called out.

Yeah, you don't... And irregular. Yes. Not long since a gentleman from Kentucky was standing at the door of one of our hotels whence he was about starting for the steamboat. Wishing for someone to carry his baggage and seeing a spruce-looking black guy passing along the street, he called out to him, "'Here you, N-word, take my trunk and carry it down to the boat!'

The black guy stopped, and raising his quizzing glasses to his eye, stared at the Kentucky with a mixture of indignation and astonishment." Yeah. Is that the same story as the Silly Boy, or is this a different one? Noation and astonishment. Yeah. Is that the same story as the silly boy or is this a different one? No, this is a different one, yeah. This is the next item. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

So that is, so the news back then is just basically like, guess what, stupid shit. Like what you would hear from a guy at the grocery store. Yes. It's Delawarean gossip, yeah. You should have seen what happened here yesterday. Yeah. I also it's I get I'm like my timelines with history. Not great. But I feel like this the story here is

that the black guy was like the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. And everyone's like can you believe that? Well hold on. He addressed you in a proper, respectful fashion. Having scanned him sufficiently with his glass, he gave his hat to an independent twist to one side, pulled up his dickie about his ears, drew himself up to his fullest height, and thus replied, did you dress that language to me, sir?

Oh, that's great. Yes, you black rascal, I want you to take my trunk to the steamboat. Jesus Christ. Indeed, I guess you came from the slave-holding states, didn't you, if I may take the liberty to ask? Ah, you black dog, and what if I did? You take too much liberty, I can tell you.

Why, I was sure you must have come from the slave states. Otherwise, you wouldn't have treated a gentleman in this super silly manner. What? It's back. Again? It's back. Wait. It's back.

It must have been a word of the time, right? Right. It's a popular word. It was like radical in the 80s. It was like demure. Yeah. It's like demure today. Yeah, right. Yeah. It was like, it was like demure. Yeah, yeah, it's like demure today. Yeah,

right. Yeah, yeah. It's trending. Just because of this, his skin isn't the same color as your own. Shut up! Oh, I'm not gonna read that. Or I'll stick my fist down your throat. Jesus Christ. So the black dude just... So he's white. We have confirmed the Kentuckyan is a white man and and silly uh... we don't have any gag laws in this state where you ought to have to stop the mouths of such saucy blast black rascals as you i wish you i wish i had you in kentucky once

well i suppose you suppose you gouge me then but thank heaven i'm not a kentucky and i'm not a slave either. What's more, I undertake to tell you, Mr. Impotence, that there's no gouging nor gagging in this free state, and one man is as much inspected as another. If he behaves as well, although he is a black man, or an N-word as you call him, behavior makes the man, sir, and for my part, I should be ashamed to show my face among other gentlemen if I dressed a man in the super silly manner you did.

Silly? So there was a reporter that was like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, right. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yes, yes. Keep going. OK, go on, go on, go on. He's saying your personality's an N-word.

Story breaking? This is quite silly. It sounds like this is a very liberal newspaper for the time. Yes, I think so. And maybe the guy who was asked to carry the baggage actually then wrote the story. Having finished his speech, the black bow-headed bow, again, raised his quizz in glass to his eye giving his antagonist

a look of ineffable disdain walked on while a Kentucky almost doubting his senses wondered what sort of Republican principle that could be which gives a black man as much liberty as a white one. So I think this is right. What were those lotto numbers again? I think this is right after... What were those lotto numbers again? I think this is right after... Yeah, so it's right in that fun in between. No I feel like this is like, I feel like blacks were freed in New York in like the 1820s.

Something like that. I think slavery was ended. In Kentucky they are almost there? No. Oh. No, but like, so it's just happened. So this is like a story. No, I mean today.

There was slavery in the North and they did ban it like, sort of like 40 or 50 years before the South. But each state did it one by one and then they also did it like in steps like, well you, you know, you can, but not your kids, like it was just very... It's like taxes, but your skin color. The states decide. Which is fun. Certainly if you're non-white. Awesome. But there's a paper that's like, look we get to fuck with the whites from the other places. Yeah right. Yeah. Yeah.

All good. I still wouldn't move to Delaware. I would like you to move to Delaware. It's a great taxi even even today Yeah, it is actually isn't it the best one Come on pal. Yes. No. Well If you're a company it's Delaware, but also Florida and Those are like right personal taxes are but it's like Delaware may as well be offshore. Yeah. My favorite thing from the 2016 election was that Trump and Hillary had the exact same

address in Delaware for their corporations. So good. And now it's very different. They would have us believe that they would have like clocked in like the wolf and the sheepdog. Yeah, right. That's so true. Morning, Trump. Morning, Hill. Preaching and pig killing.

There we go, my two hobbies. That's like a Tinder profile. That's great. Is this a feral hogs is this a feral hog story my hope so Isaac drew a man clothed in tattered garments was brought up on Wednesday Charged with preaching in the open air fucking a right In the open air fucking your mouth So this was it this was a crazy man prophesying in the street. Had to. Had to then.

He didn't have a church that he was sending people to. If you got arrested for preaching back then, you really had to be annoying. I mean, seriously. That's okay today. Back then for them to be like, sir, seriously, shut the fuck up. Oh, here you go. At three o'clock in the morning, he commenced preaching in one of the narrow courts in the Mint.

Well, when the spirit catches you. So he's hammered. Yeah, right. He was surrounded by half a dozen drunken people who interrupted the preacher and endeavored to drown his voice by mimicking and shouting out while he was holding forth. Okay, so it's just a bunch of hammered guys that rolled out of a pub or whatever. Right. And they're screaming. He didn't have a way to breathalyze him. No. Yeah. Right. The prisoner was likewise so drunk that when desired by a policeman to come down from his elevated position, he tumbled into the mud.

Jesus. This is really what I picture the 1830s to be like, to be honest. It's just like a man standing on a box shouting and there's mud everywhere. there's mud everywhere yeah the day of the law or sir the day of the day of the Lord shall come like a thief in the night sir it's three! Shut the fuck up! The Lord pause if not for your slumbers! The prison- oh I did that. Uh, the magistrate asked him what trade he followed besides that of preaching. Drinking. Defendant. I am a pig killer, you worshiping- Jesus Christ, that's not a job. I mean, is it? Kind of?

Wouldn't you be a butcher? It's very specific. I'm a bacon maker. I'm a murderer of pigs. I kill pigs. For meat? No. Our Savior, Lord Jesus Christ, cast the demons into the flock of pigs, and I, in his honor, have killed them down. This is the trial you want to get on. You're like, this is great.

In the Mordegang question, I got up to kill a pig, but before I... Okay. But before I... Like his lawyer was like, like buddy we talked about this ugh 3am I gotta get up and kill another pig he kills a pig in between gigs he kills a pig every hour

yeah right if the pig has not been killed then the word has not been spilt thank you I mean he's pretty good yeah he can't he can't argue with that. But before I went to work, by this way, this is misspelled,

the show that he's not that intelligent. Sure. I taught as how I might read a prayer. And so I gets my book and out I goes to the gash afore the house and begins to read out a bit, but that ear policeman comes up and in roguish, indecent like sort of manner tells me to have Dane. And so as how I did...next page. I don't believe that he got up at 3am to kill a pig.

I don't either. It was a great excuse. Was it a full moon? Then maybe. Maybe. How would you get up in the night? Like, how would you there's no way for you to plan your rising hour back?

Well, there's always someone coughing. That's good. Everywhere about town, there's someone coughing. Would you have a fit at about 250? And everything is like every other day, every other building burns down. Right. So you're you're kind of your sleep. There's not like a lot of REM sleep going on. Right. It's just kind of a fully on edge. Every creek is like it's like how my cat lives. Like every sound my cat's like, that's the end. Yeah.

Okay. Not. Better. Leans off momentarily, he grips me tight, he's talking about the cop. He grips me tight, heaving me like a bunch of cat's meat into a barrow and hauls me off to the watches. I also kill cats. If I'm being honest, a lot of the pig is feline he has not even the

respect to heave me as would you would a pig's meat but a cat's meat your magistrate just it's such a weird get to the point he I will represent myself so you pick me up like I'm a cat meat. Yeah. The magistrate remarked that three o'clock in the morning was an unseasonable hour to commence praying and find him five shillings for drunkenness. The defendant on leaving the office declared that as long as he lived... I thought this was America. As long as he lived, he would never attempt to inform the habits of the many sinners who inhabit the mint.

What a great threat to just be like, fine, I just won't preach in the middle of the night anymore. Hope y'all are happy. I guess you're all going to hell. The word of the Lord is banished from this town. Fine, I'll just be drunk instead. The Lord turns his face hereupon this municipality, the way he did upon Sodom and Gomorrah.

Good night. Get off the stand. All right. Mud. How's the mud in the court? The judge is banging his gavel in the mud. Yeah, right, right. The meat is camped!

So I travel a lot, I mean a lot, perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kinda my gig, right? So I'm out there, I'm living out of suitcases, or suitcase sometimes, if I bring the big boy, and I want all the comforts of home. That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible. Recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado

and I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs we were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence. You have a kitchen, you have a yard, it's communal living, it's just a less stressful place, more enjoyable experience So when I go on tour, you know, like I'll be going on tour in a couple months

I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb, you know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money and The answer to that is yes. Yes. It can be an Airbnb It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb. Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca. The Sheriff's Office. It would appear from the following communication that Marcus E. Cappell was very liberal in

making promises with the view purchasing support previous to the election and that some persons are not a little disappointed in the consequence of his inability to of his inability to most of his engagements. So he was making offers, I think. It's a very is that it? Yeah, yeah, it sounds like he was offering. He was offering people stuff. Yeah. And then he was offering stuff and he didn't have it. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. The papers so many times feel like they are it's based on spacing over

What is important like they're like we just need a little something at the end like a tag to the page. Yeah From you guys you guys want so you guys want five miles worth of fences I got five miles worth of fences. No problem Right. Well, I'll say reporter. I'll throw in a herd of horses to wild horses, but tame real nice wild horses. Okay? Sure. So is that a crime? You know, I'm gonna vote for you. It's more than I have. What? Sorry sucker. I got one mile offenses and I only got one donkey. We haven't even voted for you yet. We haven't even voted for you yet From From the statement of our correspondent the number of persons who have been disappointed would appear appear to be considerable

That's good, but that's a good barometer, but if report speaks truth There are at least several who are not included in that list our several who are not included in that list. Our correspondent should recollect that it is made by which Mr. Capel's political favorites generally obtain office and it should excite no surprise that his resorted to the same for the same end." Whatever. So he's giving away, they're saying that they know of many people he offered stuff to and then there's more that they don't even know about

basically Yeah, the back when if you were promising things you wouldn't deliver on that was newsworthy And then this is a letter to him from a guy that's printed in the paper to mark also Marcus Capel Sir, I'm Sir, I'm told that after about two weeks consideration, you have selected your deputy sheriff and won't you make a pitiful face when you see those men to whom you have promised that office?

Ah! And a long one too! Their faces long. Yeah. I love the ah being in the ah yeah with exclamation you will have made these men's faces long what a terrible thing what becomes of the gentleman you promised it to in Christina hundred that poor fellow that poor disappointed fellow in Newcastle. Those two men in St.

George's 100. Those three men in Mill Creek 100. And lastly, that Jerseyman in Epicuaminic 100. Who told you it in Newcastle that you gave him the promise of it before your election? Now Mr. Cappell, reflect and make two or three more appointments to oblige yours. T, and then they purposefully didn't print out his entire last name. Oh, the name of the writer is withheld by request. Yeah, it was withheld.

He's like, fuck you, and don't tell anybody that I said this, because he's the new sheriff. Yeah. He was doing it from behind like a scrambled video screen. The sheriff has promised too many things to people in the Caroline 100. I wonder why you put 100 after every town. I think that's like a like a neighborhood.

You know, because sometimes sometimes in some cities, there's an old neighborhood where it's like it's like that's known as the Delta hundreds. Oh, yeah. I think it's like that hundred acres over there in that area or something. Okay. Yesterday week. This is the next article. We're not. We're done.

Yesterday week, just before sunset, the borough... Yesterday week? Yesterday week? Yesterday week. Was it like a two-year-old? Yesterday week. I think it's last week. The sky's light went dark. It's half a fortnight from tomorrow. Guys, that's the Cheshire Cat.

Yesterday week, just before sunset, the borough was startled by the cry of, Fire! Fire! Nice. All three of the engines were out, and hundreds of citizens with pails and buckets on the spot almost instantaneously. Every other day. Yeah, to your point, James, this is why you can't.

Sleep is not. Yeah. I mean, truly, you're always like, oh, fuck. I either got to put out a fire with a bucket of water, or I'm going to go preach at the bar fire with a bucket of water or I'm gonna go preach at the bar Oh your baby's dead or something. Yeah, there's dust everywhere I you know you like you can't there are places like when I lived in New York in Manhattan I felt like I could never get a good night rest

Like you're just always like well because someone has a special permit to be with the jackhammer, you know Yeah, New York they're still building it it's gonna be great it proved to be the chin it proved to be the chimney of the house of Miss Polly hoops it was just a chimney? FIRE! Yes, I lit one. Why? It was just a chimney. Yeah. That's amazing! Um, blow Mr. John Pab's tavern. Get her out of the house! Could you imagine living below a tavern? Ugh. Below a tavern? Yeah, it says below. That's definitely bad. That's a nightmare. Yeah, that's the runoff there. If you should live above the tavern,

you'd be considered a whore. If you be living, if you be lived below the tavern, you'd be considered a preacher in the mud. Below the tavern. Keep it down. I don't know what the sentence means. Danger past the heart becomes merry. Danger past the heart becomes merry. Danger past the heart becomes merry.

Merry the name. Almost in proportion to the previous alarm, a new engine of the finest construction made by American Agnew of Philadelphia was, for the first time, brought out for work. A double line was soon formed from Mr. Amos Darylton's well and one of the men on the house, why do you have the fire hose? Why do you have the fire? Why is the fire engine there

if you're just gonna use water from a well? I don't know if you heard, the fire engine's quite good. I don't know what the point is. Oh, make way, make way. It's the finest fire engine we have today. Ding ding. Puk puk puk puk puk puk puk puk puk puk puk puk. All right. Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring.

Where's the hose? Huh huh. The hose. We didn't think of that part. It's just a, we have the honker. Do you have the honker? We're hoping to intimidate the fire with this great new engine.

Several loud short trombones. Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. How's the fire we've got to go back and get the water we brought more fire one of the men on the house who braved who braved the engineer got a flood showered upon him much to delight of all the boys put out Greg the light of all the boys big and little while not a few on the ground got a gentle sprinkling So a guy got wet so they're they're really just having a good little like they're the police academy fire department And they're having a little laugh all this house burns down Looks like a wet t-shirt contest six are dead

Ten years later this would have been like a circus act. But yeah right. Like real life on any weeknight would to us look like an old-timey circus. Just clowns without makeup. Hey hey hey! Fire! The promptude and spirit with which the villagers repair to the scene of the supposed danger reflects upon the citizens of Westchester much credit. So, nothing happened. There was a chimney on fire. It was just a chimney on fire.

A chimney, a brand new fire engine with no hose shows up. The people get sprayed, and everyone's like, now that worked out well. They didn't have any news yet at that point that was like Man Bites Dog. Those stories didn't exist. Yeah, right. Wow, OK, that was nothing happened.

Well, if a fire should not have been put out immediately, there would be no one here to write the story. Think about that. It would have spread throughout the hundred. Singular discovery. Mr. Horton, a gentleman who has been engaged in boring for water in Providence, Rhode Island, has presented to the public some remarks.

Oh, sorry, some remarkable results, okay. Oh, okay, that's better. Okay. Okay, that's better. In his... Yeah. He's boring? Yeah, he's boring. He's drilling. Okay. Yeah, that's great. To be so boring that the paper's like, we got to print this. All the way up in Rhode Island, see? Could be a promising thing for the other, for the second smallest state here on the seaboard. In his second experiment in boring, he selected the extreme point of a wharf, many yards from the original land.

He bored through a stratum of mud, through a bog meadow containing good peat, then through sand and quartz gravel. Like the good peat's a guy. No! Then through sand and towards gravel. Like the good pizza guy. No! At this point, water impregnated the copras

and arsenic broke forth. But, what is that? But. I've not, this is tough. Determined to proceed further, Mr. Horton neck struck a vineyard and dripped vines, grapes, grape seeds, leaves, acorns, hazelnuts, pine nuts,

and the seeds of unknown fruits together with pure water. This was 35 feet below the body of the river. So he's just plowing through things with a wharf? He didn't pull up vineyards. And there's no way. I mean, the vineyard's like wharf Godzilla. I've struck vine it, boys. It's got a war.

This this guy sounds like at the top of the corkscrew, he's playing a sleight of hand where he's pulling stuff up. We like look at these things. A seashell, a certain quantum of sand. A vineyard wine, like a bottled wine, a sommelier for a small grant. these wonders could be performed in any of the Eastern states. Look, a dog!

It's a net. Madam, perchance I would screw into your grapes beneath your house. Away with you. That was weird. That's great. Then there's nothing else to it. They're just like, wow, that was amazing. Anyway, that should figure itself out.

And again, this is just him telling them. He just went in and told them. Yeah, right. Yes, right. And they're like, this is unbelievable. A credible tale from a man with no accountability whatsoever. Well, if you promise, that's good enough for us. Did you swear and foreswear? I did, both. This is out of bruges. Yesterday, crowds of boys and afterwards of grown people

paraded the streets with tri-color flags. It's us, a crowd of boys, see? By the way, and then, so, people. People. Safe to just, if we need to condense. Well, the crowd of boys sees it first, because they're just out there doing nothing. And then afterwards, the grown people are like,

hey, hey, what's all this about then? There's a group of boys. They paraded the streets with tri-colored flags in the presence of the troops without committing any excess. But towards 10 in the evening, when the multitude passed before the chief post, the guards took offense and fired upon the citizens without distinction. That's good. That's how it should be. A parade until we're all over it and then they'll kill

you. That's the same thing that happens now today at any protest. In the daytime, all the middle-aged people and old people are there, and so the cops will be like, all right, we're not going to beat anybody up in the daytime unless we have to. And then as soon as the sun goes down, the older people get tired and go home, and they're like, all right, beat everybody up. As long as they're not right-wing. Cops After Dark, yeah.

Cops After Dark is my favorite show. But I also, I would, dare I say, this is how every parade should end, though. Just at 10 o'clock, anyone, I mean like people who go to parades, it would be a really good way to sort of call our populace a little bit. If you're at a parade past 8 p.m., yeah, it's maybe okay to start, you know, a couple, pop a couple. Number were killed and others wounded. Tranquility was partially restored, but the night passed in consternation. Define tranquility, I guess.

Well, they're laying there bleeding. Everyone feel better? Seems like people calmed down. Was this in Bruges in Europe? Yeah, this had. And they have a correspondent there? Yeah, I would imagine it's in Belgium. I think they did have a wire service at this point,

so there's news getting out. Or there was some guy on the other end of a wire. So. Also in Delaware, making up tall tales. I swam to Brooze. An unverifiable place. Armed patrols paraded the streets. This morning, the whole town was in movement,

and everything indicated that force would be opposed to force and that vengeance would be taken for those who were killed. At seven o'clock, the military authorities determined to evacuate the town and the troops departed at eight. Didn't we just say there was tranquility 12 hours ago? Yeah, but that's gone. That's gone. Ill-defined, I think.

Yeah. Right. Tranquility 12 hours ago. Yeah, but that's gone. It'll defined I think yeah They had scarcely Quitted us when the well-disposed inhabitants met and the tri-colored flag was hoisted on the tour de Havre In the presence of bells and general acclamation Upon this rallying sign all the inhabitants assumed the tri-colored Cocade the town guards have been organized from among every class of the inhabitants, and it is said the troops who marched from this town for Austin were unable to enter,

as that town was in the power of the citizens. So the tri-color must be a French banner of France. It's gotta be France, right? And then there's some kind of like Belgian or British or occupying soldiers the Belgian flag is also tricolored that's true yeah no one thought of more colors than that back then yes three is the limit but you need more ah there is plenty yes like when I was a boy, it was two.

The Belgian Revolution of 1830 was a social rebellion that led to the establishment of independent Belgium and the secession of its southern Prophets from the United Kingdom of the Netherlands. Ah, they didn't want to be with these Dutch people. That's right. I get that. Metronik went too far. Metronik has gone too far, you right. I get that. Metronik went too far. Metronik has gone too far, you

see. I get it. You got to understand. You don't get it? No. I love the Occupy Force. Just the way it should be. I mean, you heard it was tranquility by 9 p.m. Also most politics back, but you know but before even 1850 was just a group of people like an injured adult and two kids Would get a flag and just march in front of some people and hope that that would result in a revolution And kind of worked a couple times We'll throw eggs at them and hope that they fire upon us. Yeah, right. Notice all those persons who have had mares to the horse Ronaldo in the year 1829. Ronaldo

being another horse? Yeah. So we got a porking horse. I think it's a porker, yeah, it's a pork horse. And who have not complied with the conditions upon which said horse stood are hereby requested to come forward and settle their respective accounts with the subscriber on or before the 15th of October. In case of neglect or refusal, they may expect their accounts and notes to be left in the hands of an officer for collection. Hors child support? The horse Benfuckin.

Yep, Ronaldo. And so if, so now you gotta pay for the horse. You gotta pay for the horse, Seaman. That explains all the mud. Yeah, you can't. Okay, so a super... The equine who's jizzing everywhere. And in anything.

Okay. And so not everyone's paid up. So they put in the paper, like, you gotta pay for the horse semen that we gave you. My horse fucked your horse. I really love going into semen debt. Horse gum debt. I would love to into semen debt. Horse gum debt. I would love to see him in the dressage events and he would really pull probably a pole vault bar on those ones.

No, Ronaldo! No, Ronaldo! No! Ronaldo, no! Jesus, just jump the jump! Ronaldo! To the public, the subscriber would inform his friends and the public that he continues to occupy the public, the subscriber would inform his friends and the public that he continues to occupy the public house sign of the spread eagle in the town of Newport where he will be Pleased to serve on any who favor him with their custom What in the fuck just happened? Well, Ronaldo loved the spread eagle and his custom is obviously coming bucket loads

The spread eagle is the name of a place like a gambling pub. I pray I think so. I think of the spread eagle as a as a probably a pub. Yeah, there was a pub. If you go back far enough, any sexual position has like a legitimate name from when it from when it which for a legitimate legitimate meaning from which it was adopted. Yes. Yeah Why of course. We're spaying canines with the doggy style. Every respectable town has a spread eagle Why we call it the glory hole. Yes

The glory hole it's the daycare center for the yeah A geyser that shoots. Yeah The glory hall. It's the daycare center for the... Yeah, yeah. For the children after their schooling. A geyser that shoots... Yeah. I'll meet you later at the Scissor Sisters. Yeah. Uh, Madam Cuddlingus. Sixty-nine, we call it.

And for good reason. Yeah. Sixty-nine stout young lads. They didn't go to avoid anything. Well, we're going with the old rim job here. It ought to really make the city have a bustling downtown, you understand? Have you tried the Dirty Sanchez? It's got a great, great buffet. Hello!

This county is open to the Dirty Sanchez, you see. The architect Dirty Sanchez is coming here. Hello. The magistrate did give him a good solid Christian donkey punch. And he's done well with it. And well with it has he done. And he's done well with it. And well with it has he done.

Eee. Eee. Eee. One of the funniest things I've ever experienced was at that, what's the festival called in Seattle? Bonnaroo? Bonnaroo? Bonnaroo, we were up there and we were all drinking afterwards.

And John Glaser, we were just on a roof overlooking like the sound and we- Bumbershoot. Bumbershoot, we would just say a name and he would describe the sexual position that it was and it literally went on for an hour. It was fucking, he's so fucking funny. The Bumbershoot. Well, he's not here, Dave. No, he's not.

I want you to get him on, I keep forgetting to do that. Six cents reward. Ran away from the subscriber on Tuesday last. An indentured, it's a black kid, apprentice to the barbering business. What is barbering? Barbering is a, it's shipper. He is a-

Oh, it's not hair? It is a house of great barbarity. Shave and a ship. He is a. Oh, it's not hair. It is a house of great barbarity. It I don't shave and a haircut. Maybe it is hair back then. Yeah, maybe. Well, I feel like it. Yeah, I guess it is hair. Yeah. OK, so he's a he's a barber's assistant slave is what we call that apprentice to the barbering business named Joseph Loston.

He is about 15 years old, a light mulatto about five feet in height and well proportioned. He will return, whoever will return the said boy, shall receive above the above reward. Wow, six cents. That's not a lot of good here. No. Well, that could put a man inside it for two years.

Sixpence? It's just so weird that there's ads in the paper for people. Yeah, I mean. Yay. Miscellany from the London Court Journal, a lecture on love and courtship by... Oh, this ought to be good. 1930s love and courtship. Grab her hair and demand sex.

By a lady is what this is by. A lady. No way. By the way, no way. No. Ladies, love is my subject. Can I be other... Can I otherwise be eloquent?

This is 100% a guy. It's totally a guy. This is what a hundred percent guy. It's totally a guy. This is like where you see, it's like someone making right wing points with the picture of a black dude on Twitter. You're like, be your white guy. Right, yeah, right.

Irma Remington Catfish. From the desk, from the desk of I. From the city of real. A wizened widow about town. Gentlemen, courtship is my theme. Can I fail to interest you? To drive into the antiquity of this mysterious passion, we must roll back our ideas to that momentous period

when order was born of... And then it's blurred out. When Adam, first of man, was so agreeably surprised upon waking from his dreams to find he had made such a fair exchange and in lieu of a rib had procured one of us. That's a crazy, crazy, I mean that's a crazy start. Since the garden courtship's been interesting.

Ever since Adam fucked that rib lady. Yes, doesn't the story of the Sunday School turn you on? Who's ready? Oh boy. But not to dwell on this original courtship, let us pass to the examination of the various insinuating ways adopted by the nations of antiquity, as well as several... Can't read that.

And now it gets blurry. It's not a good start when you're like the romance of the first two people who had no other option. Yeah. Oh, love was in the air that day. This one goes on forever. I'm just going to move on because it's too hard to read well here's a better one that's that's um antique that's antiquated spooch that's all over the page yeah it's true that's right yeah

I wonder if guys to get excited like some guy in a male corset was like, g'gawdle! It's so easy back then. Oh man. Roll in the garden. The jerking off in 1830, what were you doing? You would take your opera glasses off and use the nose. And just picture hunting and be like, oh yeah. Or a plot of land. Bifocals they be, but triple of use.

And they'll stay on your nose more than ever. Piracy. Our readers have generally seen an account of the murder of Captain Thornley and his mate Roberts of the Brig Vineyard on her way from New Orleans to Philadelphia with $50,000 on board. That's a fucking lot of money. And also, what would you expect? You can't, that's not like, we have a bunch of useful items that can be sold.

It's like, we've got $50,000 cash. Yeah. We're a floating target. Now let's start the bidding. Cash boat coming through. Cash boat. Let's start the bidding at $100. The ship is safely manned by two pirates.

With $50,000 on board in specie for Stephen Girard by the crew, it will therefore be unnecessary for us, we presume, to lay before them a detailed account of it. The four men who entered the longboat upon their leaving the brig after she had been scuttled and set on fire have been examined. Okay, so four guys. So the boat was taken and set aflame after the money was taken out. And these guys went on afterwards, but I don't know how that helps anything.

The black man went. The two survivors, they're rowing and they're like, to Delaware, to Delaware where we will tell our tale to the only free paper where it will be heard! Yeah. And it's... There's Massachusetts. Keep rowing.

It's sinking as they're rowing. Row faster, you fool. The black man, Wainsley, whom the captain was murdered and who will be remembered, is from this state, appears to be a hardened villain. And Gibbs, who took command of the brig after the death of the captain and mate, appears to be but little better.

Well, yeah, they're bad people. What do you expect? Yeah, they killed people and took the money. They're bad. In a wild turn of character. They're not good guys. Turns out. The other two state that they were opposed to the proposition of seizing upon the vessel

and only join the rest of the crew in taking possession of the money and dividing it between them to save their own lives. That's the best. Look, I didn't want to take a quarter of the cash and kill the guys. We had no choice. Yeah, I had to. Had to, in order to save myself. I hate money. I to, in order to save myself. I hate money.

I abhor the concept. Nothing has been heard of the Jolly Boat and the men who were in it, nor has the money Jolly. The Jolly Boat is the one where people were getting murdered, right? Yes, that's right. It's a bit more silly than Jolly, to be honest. Not so Jolly now, are you, Jolly Boat? Yeah, you could probably locate it by hearing Let the Good Times Roll by Harry Nielsen,

blasting out of the speakers of the Jolly Vessel. Uh, nor has there been even found which was buried in the sand by those who were in the longboat after their landing. Nope. They buried in the sand. They buried the money. No they didn't.

They buried the money. They took the money. They buried it. That's insane. They just put the money in a hole in the sand. The best place to bury stuff in the money. They buried it. That's insane. They just put the money in a hole in the sand. The best place to bury stuff in the sand. Right and then and then you have to remember like make sure you don't get drunk at some underground pub. Yeah. And then tenure, make sure tenure, get in a bunch of other problems and troubles and then ten years later you got that cash that's in the sand. Yeah's right. That's the real lottery. Yeah.

That's a bad crime. $50 reward. Stop the swindler. A gentile and dressed middle-aged man about five feet seven to five 10 inches in height. So given three inches. Sure. Calling himself Dr. Wilson from or near Port Deposit

where he, these all sound made up, where he represented himself to have been a practicing physician, obtained under false pretenses from the subscribers on Thursday the 24th a horse and Dearborn with which he has absconded. Dearborn's like a carriage coach kind of thing. I mean, so he had a horse, and he had one horse and a Dearborn carriage.

He pretended to buy it, and I think he didn't. And then he absconded. I mean, absconding was like the major crime of that time. Yes, absconding was huge. He's absconded again! If the sheriff hadn't been too busy appointing the wrong person to be his constable in the hundreds. The hardest crime to like catch someone from. Damn it! Because they've already got him. He's absconded from absconding again! Seize him! Well we can't! Your worship he has absconded.

Another count. The horse is a large dark bay, fourteen years old, large limb. Bay being bay-ee-ee? Bay-ay-y. Okay, oh different. I thought it was bay-ay-y. Bay-ay-y, yes, sleigh. Large limb and shows scratches on all his legs.

The hind ones usually a little swelled. Sounds like Ronaldo was here. He has been scarred on each of buttocks by the rubbing of the breech band, which is still Ronaldo. It's Ronaldo rubbing the breech band. That's fucking classic. He loves the breech band rubbing. Yeah.

Rrrr. He is a natural trotter and carries well. Oh yeah. This is definitely now taking on a bit of a horny like the vibe. The guy wants to fuck horses. He's like man I'll tell you what you got to see this hind. The Dearborn is small of a dark olive color and lined with blue cloth with standing top and plated molding on the body and round top and sea springs, wooden ornament on the side, a small dove in light colors. The top has been put on with branch irons which have some plating on them. It was seen to pass the practical farmers in and is supposed to have been proceeded to

Philadelphia. $25 to be given to the recovery of the horse and dearborn, and $25 for the conviction of the swindler. So this is America's most wanted. This is like the FBI list. And it was just in a newspaper that maybe 10% of the population who got it might read. Somebody- But also, I mean, this is how it sounds.

It sounds like a guy was like, hello, I am a new doctor in town. May I? I'm going, I would like to lease this. I will pay you later for the horse in the, in the. Of course, a doctor, of course. Off I go to my doctor things. As you should. Someone is supposed to be reading this newspaper

and going like, well I shall keep my outlook for a horse of good proportion with one possibly swollen hind leg. With scratches on their back. And a carriage that is small and olive in color. Wow. A new complaint. Ooh.

Finally. The opponents of General Jackson are in a great rage because he has appointed Mr. Taney to the office of Attorney General of the United States, who it seems is a Roman Catholic. Oh my God. Mr. Taney? Yeah.

Attorney Taney. Is he the same one that would become the evil Supreme Court justice? I wonder. Oh, maybe. One of the opponents of the president says every sincere papist is disqualified de facto from holding any office under protest under a Protestant government. We wonder what law rule a Roman Catholic or a man of any other religious denomination is disqualified from holding any office in this country. Different time. It was not the business... well I mean let's be honest if we didn't allow Catholics to serve in the government at any point our Supreme Court might be okay. Different. Different? Yes. It was not the business of the president to ask what

religious denomination Mr. Tandy belonged. The Catholics were entitled to all privileges that are enjoyed by every other class of citizens, and sorry should we be to see the president paying any regard to such consideration in his selections of persons to hold office under him. It's just why we need a Satanist on the Supreme Court. Just one. Yeah. I'm a Satanist. Yeah. To fulfill the wishes of the prove a point faction of American politics. Yeah, right. Yeah. But that goes on for like a hundred more years. The 1920s, it's all anti-Catholic.

Yeah, right. Yeah. It's what fires up the clan. This republic, this republic with its freedom of religion, cannot be ruined by any Catholics. Anything but a Catholic. Jesus Christ. Last one, David? Yeah, correction.

A most shameful error occurred in our paper, in our last paper. Oh, this is great. Imagine how off you have to be in this time for a retraction. Seriously, yeah. A most shameful error occurred on our last paper in the article under the head of Mr. McClain. The name of Mr. McClain is substituted

for the word whatever, which gives. What? What? They put the name Mr. McClain where the word whatever should be. I mean, how does that even happen? In the whole issue, it would said whatever. They did a replace all.

That's not possible. Everyone shall do Mr. McClane he wishes. That's amazing. Look, McClane, what you want to do. No. Mr. McClane is wrong with you. Which gives the expression a meaning very different from that what was intended.

I wish that caught on. The error is one which cannot be excused in the compositor and the corrector of the proof was equally careless and permitting it to pass without correction. That is insane. That's amazing. For that to happen in this time for, I mean that is. It's amazing.

Dare I say impossible. It's incredible. Mr. McClane. I mean. It's like I would. It's pretty great. Yeah. People had, I bet people had fun with that back then.

Oh yeah, people like, the hell's going on? Yeah. And we must come together as a community, as a state of Delaware, to condemn Mr. McClane's shame should fall upon us. I might just start using that. Well James, thank you so much for joining us on another episode of The Past Times. We appreciate it. Your special, as we talked about, path of most resistance, 800-pound gorilla.

Indeed, sir. Go pay for it for many reasons, but if you listen to this show, you should be fully funded because of my neither gristle. You should be profiting off of that. It's fun it's it's a funny special too at least 10 yes it's an hour and five minutes and there's at least two good 10 to 15 minutes of laughs. You are fucking hilarious and and people should pay Mr. McLean they want for something like this. It is a McLean whatever it was a McLean you oh you got it. McLean you want model that's what it was released. Yeah it's like a crowd fun. Well thank you James appreciate it as always. Thanks Garrett. Thanks David. Go watch

Path of Most resistance. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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