The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 94 - The Past Times with Jen Kober

Episode Date: October 4, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian Jen Kober Redbubble Merch

So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence you have a kitchen you have a yard you know it's communal living it's just a less stressful place more enjoyable experience so when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour

in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb you know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb.

Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. All right, everybody. Welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week Jen Star Jen Kober. I should say hi Jen. Hello star. Yes start the end Both cheeks yeah, oh it's that. The European star. Yes.

Right. Yes. Which means it's got a bit of a stink to it, but somehow you're aroused, I believe. Um, no GMOs. No, that's right. Uh, so, uh, Jen, we are very happy to have you here. Let's just jump into the, how good your career is. Uh, you have a special available at your site, jenkober.com, correct?

Called No Flies on Me. Yes. Yep. So people should go check that out. And then this other thing you're doing, how do we, you're going to be in Vegas as the, why don't you explain it? You'll be better at doing it. So there's a Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas called Mad Apple. And the premise of the show is that you're at like a variety show on the streets of New York. So there's acrobatists, there's like a Harlem Globetrotter basketball sort of an act. There's a girl swinging from her hair. There's a juggler, there's a magician, and there's a comedian.

And I am the comedian. I have a 20-minute set in every show. Perfect. Yeah. And we do two shows a night, five nights a week. We're off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. And it's a lot of fun. And I'm doing it for about six weeks.

I'm doing it from September 19th through October 22nd. So if you are in Vegas, come check it out. Perfect. And they can go to your website to find all that information, I'm assuming. from September 19th through October 22nd. So if you are in Vegas, come check it out. And they can go to your website to find all that information, I'm assuming. All the ticket information. What a sweet gig. 40 minutes a night, two shows, six weeks.

And you have what it sounds like one of the easier jobs, considering someone's job is to get flung around by their hair during. Yeah, I go on right after that bitch. She like swings over on her hair and then I come out out of the floor like I'm not going to fucking do that. That's not going to be me. I've got like one inch of hair on parts of my body.

So it's just not on all parts. So you're kind of all parts. Good for you. I can't help it. I understand. I understand. It's a gift and a curse. Well, Jen, here's how we start here. Like I said, Dave there, he's got his little newspaper and it's going to be weird. We're going to start by trying to guess what year this paper is from.

We've done one from like the 1600s, but it was so crazy that we don't really do that. I don't know what year it's from, but we've also recently we did 2001, which was by far our most recent. So within that spectrum, you're more than welcome to take a stab at what year you think it is. I should point out there's no prize. No, look, I like that. Let's do it. I got this.

I'm good at this kind of shit. Let's do it. All right, let's go. What do you got? What year? Give it a shot. I'm just guessing a year. Anywhere in the world.

I'm going to guess one of my favorite years, 1978. Pretty good. I like that. I like that a lot, Jen. That's pretty good. I like that. I like that a lot Jen. That's pretty good I'm gonna I'm not gonna price is right you but I'm gonna Century price is right. Yeah, I'm gonna go 1878 Wow Jen Jen wins, it's 1831. I win Dave. No, we're not doing that. We're hopping over

favoring the guest for no Not at all. We're hopping. I feel like the woman who gets spun by her hair that I get a short end of this deal here. It's a, well, there's a time horseshoe thing happening. I know that's in. If you could see Dave's hands right now, I believe he formed a.

A vulva. I was gonna say, I don't wanna get. He made it uterus. See, if there was another guy here, I would have felt comfortable kind of stabbing around, but it seemed like, yeah, you have access to it. So it is a vulva. Dave, I promise you, I am more male than any of your guy friends. I am way more male than any of the homos you hang out with, okay?

I don't know who these girly men are, but I promise you I can take it. Let's do this in person next time. I think it'd be good. OK, so so here we go. And away we go, Dave, let's start the podcast officially now. OK, the papers from Boston, Massachusetts. This is a problematic Saturday, the date? Problematic. Saturday, December 10th.

Yep. 1831. Accents coming. A lot of Mark Wahlberg stuff. I'm just prepping people for my bits. A lot of Wahlberg. Yeah, they're going to be. OK, page one.

Mr. Patton. There's no headline on this. There's no headlines on any of these. Mr. Patton, we understand. Sorry, so what is this? This is a? It's just in the middle of these. Mr. Patton, we understand. Sorry, so what is this? This is a. It is just in the middle of. Is this a diary?

Like a letter to the editor? Yeah. No, it's a story of some kind, I don't know. Okay, so there's just no headline. I like that. There's no headlines. By the way, that's a great way to get people to read your fucking articles.

Yeah. No headlines. No headlines. At all, at all. Mr. Patt headline, no headline at all. Yeah, at all. Mr. Patton, we understand, can now exhibit all the wondrous feats with which Monsignor Showbearer has astonished the old world. He could swallow poison, disarming it. Jen, are you on this show?

Is this General Patton? Like, who? Who the hell General Patton like it's on the bed. Yes, Oswald. He could swallow poison. Yeah, OK. Yeah, you can swallow and then disarm it and then disarm the poison. Correct. Sure. OK. Well, we're in Boston. This is where the witches were.

Thank you. Also where the drinking is basically like swallowing. Like on a Friday that I had so much fucking poison tonight. I was wicked. Oh, I'm fucking high as fuck. I'm poisoned. My body's fighting it off right now, dude. It disarmed it. I disarmed the poison inside of my gut, dude. That's great. Excellent. I love it. Thank you, Jeff. The discovery of an antidote to the poisonous qualities of prussic acid has been a, I don't know what this word is, desideratum. Sure. That's not what it is, but go ahead.

Yeah. I think you're bringing me fascists on the wrong salamle. Oh, and the Royal Society has offered a larger award for the discovery, which we hope Mr. Patton may obtain. Wait, the Royal Society. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. I mean, what kind of fucking paper is this? Did you get this in a country? Like this isn't just like the Boston Times

where we're talking about Royal Society. Those people are animals. I've been to Boston. For sure. The Royal Society does curb stomp without question. Dude, we gave him a blue ribbon. Which means we split his head on the curb. It is said that this antidote to fire and poison was discovered by a fire just jumped in the mix.

Yes, it did. They have an antidote to fire and poison. Guessing this is an article about the fucker who invented Tums. That's what this is. He drugs and poison and some guy invented antacid. And this is the fucking story they wrote about it. It's actually about Prilosec Pat. Oh, that's right. I'm also the by the way, the antidote to fire is we've had it for a long time. Yeah, we have. Yeah, it's it's not the Royal Society doesn't need to discover that.

It's it's water. Yeah, we got it. I missed the first I missed the first paragraph here because this is such a weird paper. Sorry. That's why it's this will help. Starting in the middle. That's why it seems like something must have happened. That feeling like we missed something was grounded in reality. We wish Mr. Patton, who has been kind enough to invent an antidote against fire, would be so obliging as to discover one against Frost. We think his invention would have been better timed had he made it at midsummer.

This is a lot of pressure they're putting on fucking Patton. What? He's got to come up with an antidote to fire and Frost? That's a lot. You're asking for a lot from a guy. And by the way, I think they might have never heard of water because both can be solved with different temperatures of water. Of water. Yeah. And fires the antidote to frost. Oh, now we're I I feel like I do feel like I'm on mushrooms now.

I don't even know what's happening anymore. The antidote to fire is not a modern invention. Oh, there you go. It's water. No, no, wait, no, wait. Jugglers have possessed the secret for years. What is going on? So they must be talking about fire eaters, right? The jugglers who put the fire in there.

It's part of the circus. I think so. From Ringling Brothers. Wait, Jen, we have an industry insider here. Jen, have you ever heard of pet? Does he ever get? Does that name get tossed around the circus? LA tent at all? I can promise you it does not. Okay. I feel like the ant, you're right. The antidote to all these things is just water. Like keep either some ice around or some hot water around. You got this, brother? Yeah. They're just like, wow, how will we crack this? How will we do it? What will we do? Okay. The slaves in Sicily breathed out flames of fire from their mouths one hundred and fifty years before the Christian era.

And wonder and astonishment have often been excited by persons walking over burning coals or red hot iron. Clearly, a freak show has come to Boston on. And they have they have watched what they consider savage people. Yeah, like walk on fire and glass and shit. And they don't there must be an antidote. But dude, every slaves a fucking dragon dude. They got fire breathing brown people.

Trust me, you don't want to fucking it. No, trust me, pay this motherfucker pay this dude. Can break him off a piece, kid. The present exploits of Monsignor Chaubert and the American Fire King so far as they Honestly, the fact we could jump in every two words. We're just being respectful. This is insane. Why is a Monsignor there with all the fire breathing slaves? What's going down in the churches in Boston?

He had to be just like a Jew. We don't do this shit. We don't. There's no fire at Jew temple. Jew Church has none of this shit. It is a by the way, I realized that when I was a kid, because I went to both church and temple and I was like, boy, it's not that I was into either but I was like church, there's wine, there's crack. But then you saw the bar of brought mitzvah and you were like, it all leads up to this. This is where they make the money. This is why you put in the this is the Super Bowl. It's why you put in the time. Yeah, it's why you put in the time. I went to like 30 of them. But I think that this

guy just got to town and he had like, you know, he had indentured servants or whatever who were like not spectacular. So he was like, but they breathe fire and people like the fuck. I mentioned that these are a bunch of fire breathing fucking slaves. Oh yeah. You're not mon seniors are they're very, yes. They're very, they're very into the hellishers. They can breathe fire. Yes, yes, yes. All right. The present exploits of Mon, Senior Chaubert and the American Fire King, so far as they relate to the power of resisting heat are but the renewing of pyrotechnic wonders that were known and practiced ages ago.

Wait, they're talking about ages ago? Yeah. This was ages ago. Yeah, I know. They're like, dude, we didn't know shit in 1790. Now we have science and we recognize that you need to be able to. That the word pyrotechnic appears in 1830 something is amazing. Shocking, shocking. Yeah. We had some sparklers. Yeah.

We've come a long way. We've come a long way. I mean, you think about how fucking rudimentary shit was back then. Now we got fire breathing slaves and this guy could drink poison and fight it off. It's amazing. It's pretty fucking great. The secrets of Albert Albertus Magnus. Is this the same article? Yeah. Give instructions how to perform the following exploits.

One, when thou wilt thou that thou seemed inflamed or set on fire from thy head unto thy feet and not be hurt. What? The dogs. See the dog didn't even fucking believe it. The dog is like, this is some bullshit. You can't put someone to fire and then not burn. The bits are so easy on this episode.

The dogs are jumping in with fucking wisecracks. I mean. Two, a marvelous experience. I love that we're on a list. Which maketh man to go into the fire without hurt or to bear fire or red hot iron in their hand without hurt. So there you go. They are.

This is that Glenn Close movie, but like from 1831. in their hand without hurt. So there you go. They are this. This is that Glenn Close movie, but like from 1831, this is some demon devil shit happening. I just fucked her once. Yeah. And you know how good it was. I can put a poker in the hand. It didn't even burn. Yeah, I don't know. She showed up at my house and I tried to stave her off with a poker and she just held it and looked at me.

So I'm pretty sure my wife's gonna leave me. This is just the beginnings of stalking is what this is. This is like the first account of... Yeah, the way, the levels, I mean, what are they dealing with here? They're just like, look, you can drink fire, you can fight fire, you can hold fire. It's pretty straightforward. They've been holding fire for a long time. Yeah, it's fine. That's why they had the Monsignor there,

because this is some devil shit they were doing. Devil shit, yeah. And nobody loves the devil more than the Catholics. Ooh, they love him. Jesus Christ, I never seen anybody embrace a fucking demon like these people. They won't love him. Jesus Christ, I never seen anybody embrace a fucking demon like these people. They're so convinced to tell you how much the devil wants into your life.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they really are. All right. Last last. We'll wrap it up here. In the reign of King James the first, the practitioners of these arts were called the King Majesty's most excellent hocus pocus. Wow. And thus the movie was born. You know, I think Bette Midler was born in like 1832. So this is probably where that movie idea came from. True. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they're immortal.

Oh, fuck. I mean, it's these these Boston people. You don't need a headline when this is your article. There's no part of me was like, yes, there was a summation. I want every word of that one. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I would have probably just titled it Hocus Pocus. Yeah, you know what?

If you were to do a headline, it would be Hocus Pocus. But also imagine the pitch room of the headline. Someone was like, all right, so how would you summarize this in five words? People are like, you literally you cannot. So fire breathing slaves, not so scary. OK, there's another story about. Monsignor Schobert here, but this one's picked up by a New York paper. Wait, what are you?

This is a different article in this paper or this is? Yes. Okay. The rival fire king. There is nothing whatever. Shut the fuck up. There's two? This is what they're. Are you fucking kidding me?

My senior is not the only one with the fire breathing gay guy. Here we go. We've got one over here too. Andy's brown. Like this is the craziest shit I've ever heard. New York heard about it. They're like, I'm not so fast. We actually we've got one as well.

So we got fire Tommy over here. That's right. Hold my chalice. We can do better. The fuck is wrong? There's nothing whatever we will venture to assert that can be compared to the enterprise of our Yankee neighbors, whether it is in its manufacturing legislatures or wooden nutmegs, speechifiers or fire eaters, they are ambitious of being preeminent. It is scarcely a month.

Obviously, what the fuck that means. No, they're right're saying big city version. It's all fancy. I think they're saying that the Boston people think they're better. They should. With everything they do. Anyone in New York would call anyone else a Yankee. And yeah, what? Yeah.

You're all Yankees. Are you above Virginia? You're a fucking Yankee. Yeah. Yeah. We talk about here. Yeah, it's a negative. But they're definitely their fire breather was like, I mean, I could shoot a fucking Yankee. Yeah. Yeah. What are we talking about here? Yeah, it's a negative, but they're definitely their fire breather was like, I mean, I could shoot a spark or two. They're like, shut the fuck up.

You're a fire breather. We're attacked. Boston will not get us. I'm not so good at it, though. Shut up. I did burn my hand last week. All right. Here's our fire breather.

I'm not a fire. Shut up. He just combusts. This is all part of his process. And the show's over. Put the blanket on him. Put the blanket on him. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Napoleon of Fire arrived here after astonishing Europe. This paper is a nickname machine. Just so you know. It's name dropping.

Napoleon of Fire. I mean, what does that mean? You're like three different flavors. Yeah, you take it over. You take it over Europe. Yet already he has had New England competitors start up on every side. Last evening, we witnessed exhibition given in concert hall by a Mr.

Houghton, a genuine Yankee who not only seems determined to contest the fire throne, but even to bid defiance to all that can be performed against him in a certain place not named to ears polite. Yep. I was getting close to getting it. And then you and then you stuck the landing at the end and totally lost. Well, this Mr. Houghton is the new the new fire guy in New York, and he's taken on all. Like it's it's spreading like, yeah, you know, there's other people coming at him.

Yeah, there's other like it's now become like a competitive. It's like a boy. Yeah. Yeah. It's a boy. Oh, we got one too. You ever heard of O town and people like that guy's not good. This is insane. Mr. Houghton first amused himself by drawing a red hot shovel over his tongue and lips. So they were like, we need a fire breather.

He's like, well, I'm not, what I can do is burn my tongue mercilessly. That's close. You're knocking on the door of fire breathing. Yeah. Is that watch? Is this the news is just that freaks have come to town with hot bonkers and fire and yeah, like this is like, is nothing else going? Is there no. No, is there no no. Jen made of American. Plague Jen to now Jen got a gut. This is what this is what used to be like back then.

A guy walked backwards across America. We like to and and people would come up by the hundreds to watch him. Yeah, he was very popular. He walked backwards across America and everyone was like I'm gonna suck that guy's dick. But was very popular. He walked backwards across America and everyone's like, I'm going to suck that guy's dick. But was he walking? He couldn't have been walking backwards across all of America at this time

because it wasn't all discovered, was it? And a lot of it. And there was a lot of fire. He wouldn't have been able to do that. Walked backwards across Pennsylvania and people were like, what the fuck? And he walked everywhere and people like, you want a sandwich? And he was like, cool. Like, wow.

He was he was. It was probably like the night. Whatever, like 1940 or something. He would come to town. Is this mon mon senior gump? Yeah, that's the gump. Mon senior back gump. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Mr. Houghton then dipped his fingers into a ladle filled with melted lead. And after he had bathed his hands in the liquid metal, he very, very coolly distributed the solid drops to the persons around. I mean, there's a lot going on. I speak for everyone on this show right now. What the actual fuck? Yeah, this guy was like, give me lead. And then he was like, what?

And he was like, that's cool. Anyone want some lead to take home? This entire edition of the paper is about a fucking magic show that came to town. Yeah. Like, yes. And so so the the shovel that was red hot, is about a fucking magic show that came to town. Yeah. It's like. Yes. And so the shovel that was red hot, he just made a shovel red somehow, right? And this, he just had mercury and he put his hands in it. Also, by the way, also very impressive in long term as we've, at the time, maybe not.

He died from that later. Two days later, he's like, I don't feel good. You don't know what happened. You just put a hot shovel on your mouth and you touched mercury for four hours yesterday. What could it be? By this time, supper not a very wild segue,

not a very cold supper was ready. Not it consisted of a dish of Florence oil heated to 531 degrees and a ladle of molten lead. Five hundred thirty one degrees. That's very specific. I was eating this guy. Come on. Oh, he's like, I'll have some bubbling oil and maybe a little

This is, you know what this is? This is the beginnings of those TikTok videos where they eat hot wings that get progressively hotter. This is where that started. They used to eat the actual lead. Yeah, they used to eat the actual fire, the actual molten lava. And then they were like, you know what, maybe we can involve chicken. And then they were like, you know what, maybe we can involve chicken. And then they got some, somebody got some wings and put it in the hot sauce and here we are.

Well, while he's drinking the oil after he's done, they're like, so you're working on some pretty fun projects lately. I mean, how are you feeling? He's like, whoo, that oil was hot, but yeah, I've really kind of been discovering myself in the entertainment industry. So funny.

Immediately after the supper, the new salamander. It was the man. No, it wasn't. He drank oil and lead and they're like, that was it. Was it six p.m.? It was supper. It's not supper. Immediately after this supper, this new salamander communicated a blaze to the interior of his mouth

from a lighted candle and continued to sail exhale volumes of flame from his throat during two or three seconds. Well, it sounded like that was going to go off for all, but he literally just like we see people do that. That was people do. You probably see it in the circus, circus LA, like just just blowing fire out like it's not for a lot longer. Yeah, a lot. It sounds like the slaves had a better dragon thing going than this guy.

Like he was just horus. Yeah. This is insane. Ah, the exhibition of these various tests was greeted with loud applause. We are informed this whole thing was like middle of the road. Like it was just like he was like, hmm, that was pretty hot. And then he just like ate candle and people like, holy fuck, this guy's awesome. That's right.

We are informed that Mr. Houghton intends to perform various fiery experiments that have never before been attempted. This is why these guys were all with the Monsignor, because you know the Monsignor just likes to say what you'll put in your mouth. That's very, you know, you have sold me in the direction of I'm now picturing Liberace. At first I was picturing like kind of a, but now I am just picturing a guy.

That's how he got all those sequins for his jacket was from somebody eating fire and just spitting out jewels. Just picturing him as Liberace now. Just like, that's pretty good, booby. The early days of bedazzling. Yeah. You would eat the gem and melt it and spit it out. Yeah, people would come into his backstage,

and he'd be like, what will you eat? And he was just like, I eat a hot log. And he's like, that will come in handy, believe it or not. Never had that done. All right. So I travel a lot. I mean, a lot, perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig. Right.

So I'm out there, I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes, if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home. That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible. Recently, I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado, and I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence. You have a kitchen You have a yard, you know, it's communal living. It's just a less stressful place more enjoyable experience So when I go on tour, you know, like I'll be going on tour in a couple months

I always am like well could my place be on tour, you know, like I'll be going on tour in a couple months, I always am like, well, could my place be an Airbnb? You know, just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb. Give it a shot. You might be surprised

at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. A French physician has published a new story. A French physician has published a considerable volume of the medical use of gold. He mentions several ways of taking it. Taking it? What the fuck? This is why people live to be 20. Because they're fucking just eating metals. They're just like toddlers.

They're just like, I'm just going to pop it in my mouth and see what the fuck happens. It's like one giant game of ridiculousness. It's like they're all just playing that that idiot game, right? Where they're just like seeing what they'll what they can do. He mentioned several ways of taking it. And among other effects ascribed to it He says it produces an exhilaration of the spirits There were many men at this time coming in being like so I drank a bunch of lead and mercury yesterday

He's like Jesus Christ, man. That's crazy. We're gonna need to put some melted gold up your ass Will combat all the lead you drank. Do you understand? We're going to meet in the middle and have a precious metals meeting. That sounds good. Yeah. Like fear factor 1830. Oh, my God.

Yeah, that is exactly what it is. Of this last effect, we have no doubt if taken in the pockets. Could take it in the pockets mean the ass like you were saying? I don't. I mean, that's what that's where pockets were. Read the first sentence again, because it definitely. How many ways are there to take gold? Mouth and a French physician has published a considerable volume. We have it. We know where it's going. Absolutely.

Yeah. You know how those French people are. They'll take anything up the ass completely. They were just like, all right, so I just drink it. He's like, you wish it was that simple, huh? If you want to actually cure your sin, we're going to have to go to the mouth in the back. We're going to open your can and not the beach. Everyone knows that the French are the ass bandits of Europe. That is just how it is.

So happening. I'm going to Napoleon your ass. I'm Napoleon of Amis. You know, we want to make your brown eye gold. Yeah, just says he's published considerable volume on the medical use of gold, and he says there's several ways of taking it. So, yeah, if there's several ways of taking it, then the pocket is the ass.

What else could it be? I am, by the way, definitely referring to ass as pocket now. Yeah. I mean. That gives a whole new meaning to that Alanis Morissette song, One Hand in My Pocket. And when you got a hole in your pocket. Well, we've all got a hole in our pocket. Everyone's got a hole in their pocket. A practical joke. It is not long sense. What is a practical joke in this fucking paper? If we're eating lead and gold and sucking down red hot shovels.

What is it like? Why don't you have a sip of this gold? And they're like, this is water. And he's like, yeah, yeah. Gotcha. this gold and they're like, this is water. And he's like, yeah, yeah. Gotcha. It is not a long sense. A grocer of our acquaintance was so annoyed by the visits of Captain. So this is when they would just put the first letter of someone's last name and then a line to keep them anonymous. But I see I see this a lot back then

was so annoyed by the visits of Captain M, a parsimonious wretch with a soul no bigger than a might's eye. That he see why they didn't want to put her name in this. Yeah. Journalism was so poetic. And it's a little Trumpy there, right? You know, she says that he could bear it no longer and resolve to compensate him in kind. He therefore opened a bag of excellent almonds and a box of delicious raisins and placed them within the range of the captain's searching eye. Whenever the captain was present, the grocer and

his assistant were busy in another part of the shop and the captain boldly helped himself to the good things and more than once when he thought he was Unperceived he filled his pockets also They set up and they entrapped him. It's a trap. Yeah, because he I guess he must have been sampling stuff, right? That's like Costco Yeah, it's a Costco trick in That's like Costco. Yeah, it's a Costco trick. In six weeks, not a raisin nor an almond were to be seen in either box or bag.

And the captain, without any assistance from the grocers, customers had made a way with them all. A bill was soon handed to the captain, made out somewhat in the following fashion. Captain M to Mr. one box of raisins, three seventy five, one bag of almonds, six seventy five. Ten dollars. By the way, first of all, it's fucking crazy to me that almonds have always been insane. I was going to say you can get that.

You pay that for almonds right now. I mean, that is like that almond inflation is insane. Six seventy five. That's crazy. That's like seven that almond inflation is insane. 675? That's crazy. That's like 7-Eleven as in for cheaper. And 375 for raisins. If you don't, why would anyone pay for raisins? Yeah, I completely agree.

That doesn't even make sense. I would honestly, if they like at trail mix, like if they were like another 30 cents to have no raisins in the trail mix, I'd be like, put it on the tab. Exactly. I'm out. I'll pay you to keep the fucking raisins. How about that?

Shove them up your pocket hole. That's right. Put them in your pocket. This is when they only had one almond tree, though. That's why they're so that's right. Right. Yes. Yeah. The Shel Silverstein poem. The one almond tree. When this bill was handed to him, accompanied with an explanation of the circumstances, he raved, he stamped that he swore.

But as the grocer very properly threatened to appeal to justice, if the bill was not settled immediately, his avarice alarmed him with the expenses of a lawsuit and suggested that being so fairly taken in, there was nothing to be done in prudence, but to pay the money peaceably by this innocent stratagem. Mr. M got rid of the captain's tasting visits. Ha, but they like set. OK, first of all, they kind of set them up. And secondly, this is kind of what my fear is going to be about the electronic checkout, which I've been pinching from slowly over the years, is that one day some guy in a suit is just going to show up at my door and just be like,

hey, you owe us $4000. So here's what they're doing. They have now they're starting to put cameras right there. So they got to watch your hands. So they they're looking at your hands and they'll see if you slide something by and don't weigh it. My favorite thing is to pay for things at the pharmacy or the bakery best Gelson makes you buy all bakery things and pay for them at the bakery. So what I like to do is I buy some things at the bakery from the bakery, then I grab some other things from the bakery, put them in that same bag and move on with my life. That is the best move. I'm already overpaying for all these groceries.

I deserve some free black and white cookies and a couple of danishes. That's awesome. That is right on time. And the pharmacy move is one of those ones too, where it's like, I always think this where I'm like, if I'm doing it, cute and acceptable. If someone in front of me is doing it, I'm like, put a sword through this person.

Yeah. Like if someone is up there like, can I also pay for all my insurers and some socks and some of the, I'm like, I'll kill you. But if I go up there, I'm like, the was a woman in line in front of me the other day who wrote a check I almost fucking imploded. I don't know how to use this. David. I'm gonna give me I'll show you how I'll buy it. Let me teach you how to fish. Give it to me like what are people doing? Check. Check. She was writing a check in his 2000. Well, first of all, where the fuck did you get a check?

It's crazy. Yeah. Are those checks? I don't have checks. I think isn't even a fucking real bank. It's online. There's not even a store. I just can't believe that you cash. I gotta go to a Walgreens like I'm on. So that's what you're doing in the pharmacy line to you like can I pay? Yeah I deposit some money here? And I put $500 on this card. I just can't believe that you were in the same store as my mom. That's crazy. Your mom needs to learn how to write a user fucking debit card. Well, she was like, there's a number on it that I did you pin

numbers out your fucking say your pin number. I truly when I get up there to pay that card is in that fucking machine. The second that's allowed to be in there. Yeah, I work is done. I don't even put my card in anymore. I got one of the tap cards. I just tap that sucker. Tap if I can.

Tap if I can. Oh, it's so fucking easy. I was telling this to the lady. I was like, you don't even have to do anything anymore. Just tap it out. She was like, will you take a treasury note? Okay, well, how about a third party check? What if I signed it over to you on the back?

May I trade shoes for produce? My mom. How about I work in the back and hose some of the items down and you tell me when my debt is paid? My mom would just say I don't trust that machine. Look, this is why my landlord was doing it. He told me he

wanted a paper check every month for the rent. I was like, dude, who has a I don't have a fucking paper check. It does not exist. I don't fucking have it. He's like, well, I don't do any of that Venmo PayPal bullshit. So I had to show him that my bank could pay his bank and direct the line. But I had to get his wire his routing number and his account. Oh, my god. Congress. And then he was like, he said, you already said to me, he said, I've been reading up about this. And I go good. Then when it when it

happens, and you get sc scammed you'll fucking know why it's 2024 do you want this fucking money or not it seems a little sketchy I don't know about this bank transfer. I'm like, it works. Yeah, it seems like a scam. Yeah. So the money just comes and makes you all of a sudden my account, what are you gonna eat fire next? Why don't you put some gold up my pocket? I'm looking for ass gold period.

No period gold. That's different. I'm looking for period gold. That's another hole. Once a month a woman gets her gold an hour. I love that. And we're right back to Dave in his uterus hands. Yeah, here we go. Back to Volvo Boy. This is just one sentence.

This is better. And I'm like, what? What is a one sentence in this paper like? I tell you that the word shook hands are are in italics. They're emphasized. OK, the London Court Journal says that the king shook hands with Earl Grey at a recent meeting between his majesty and the Earl.

So the guy it is the guy. It's because it's a it's not you're not supposed. It's crazy that he did. He doesn't shake people's hands. So they're like, holy shit. Well, this explains how this guy ran a fucking monopoly on tea. Because I'm always like, what this explains how this guy ran a fucking monopoly on tea Look if shook hands is italicized I'm gonna go with queer

Dick touching in these part hard in the pun. You've smoked him out again Definitely Pardon the pun, you've smoked him out again. I'm just saying. We have definitely just... Well, that's what Earl Grey was. He was the Duke of Tea Baggery, and every time someone passed out from too much mead, he would just be like, excuse me while I dip it in the Lord's mouth. Earl, stop it. What? I just want to make sure you get all my goodness out of the bag. God, that's going to be a strong cup.

Why don't you tell the paper we shook hands? Let him know I one more time dipped my pen in the ink or aka shook hands. Earl. Earl Gang. Large owl. Fucking A. Earl Gang, large owl. Fuckin A. Who? A. A large owl.

A large owl was shot the other day near Hudson, New York, which measured four feet, seven inches from tip to tip of the wings. With talents that were. Than Gary Coleman. from wings, though. So it's this. Still, still, still. All of the Gary Coleman 100 percent with talents that would run from head to tail of the common pull it, pull it, pull

it. P-U-L-L-E-T. You got any idea what that means? Nope. I think that's another word for pecker. You pull it. Yeah. A lot of dick imagery with these guys, then the gold comes out. That's it.

It's a young hen. It is a young hen. Okay. Okay. So yeah, so they somebody shot an owl that had a really long wingspan. That's the whole point of that story. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like they shot the Emperor of Owls like it's a giant owl. Yeah. Yeah. They are. And they showed a big wow. Wow. Why did you do that? So I need the shaking hands. Yeah. It's honestly what I like about this paper is they are doing the

sequencing of stories right. Like it is getting more boring. I mean, it's talking about fucking bananas. And now they're like an owl died now they're like, an owl died. And you're like, okay, sure. That's what I would expect from an 1830s publication. Not just like you heard about the slave who could shoot lava from him. Auto titsling has a new invention. What is happening?

You know, I got sick of holding my wife's tits everywhere, and I was in the lab one night. Oh, okay. Antidote to suicide. Oh, here we were fucking back. Oh boy. Was lead not doing it? Yeah, antidote to sui- Joy!

Whoever heard of an editor committing suicide? This is shameless. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I, antidote to sui- Joy! Who ever heard of an editor committing suicide? This is shaming? No, okay. We advise all melancholy gentlemen and ladies too who are inclined to balance their accounts- And ladies too! Come along, girls! Who are inclined to balance their accounts very suddenly

to turn editors and they will hardly find a moment's time to do that for themselves, which in due time will be done quite soon for all of us. So this fucking editor is like, boy, I'm so swamped. And people are like, okay, cool. He's like, mind if I write an article about it? And they were like, I mean, I guess if you have to. And then he was like, how to stop suicide.

And I was like, could you do it in like maybe a lighter way? He's like, no, you know, if you're an editor of a big paper, you won't have time to off yourself. Trust me, I'm just the wombed. That's hilarious. Seriously, it is want of employment that it makes life a burden that drives so many to suicide. Oh, my God. Seriously, it is want of employment that it makes life a burden that drives so many to suicide. Oh my God.

So he's saying it's because you don't have work. Yes, it's very capitalist. He's saying get a job. Yes, right, yes. Yes, because a job never drove anybody to, yeah. Don't let your thoughts consume you, always work. Work so hard, you'll be breathing fire, you slave. Oh my God.

Do we ever hear of soldiers or sailors committing suicide? I'm gonna go. I gotta go. Yes! Yes! Wow. I mean, that is shocking, even for this. Holy shit.

Wow. Do we ever hear of the new settlers of a new country committing suicide? What? Do we hardly ever hear of anyone committing suicide having full employment for body and mind unless it may be some very extraordinary case of mental agony terminating delirium? I would love to beat this man.

Employment is the grand antidote against this misfortune. Let the idle and melancholy look into it. Oh my God. Aren't the people that kill themselves the most, antidote against this misfortune. Let the idol and melancholy look into it. Aren't the people that kill themselves the most, don't they all have jobs? Aren't they like dentists? I'll kill themselves the most. I mean, I mean, you went to school that wasn't like you accidentally became a dentist. You didn't just go in one day and they're like, you look like you'd be good with teeth. You have to study and do a bunch of dentists. Is that true? Yes. Wow. That's the highest. Is it really? I can get dentists. Wow. And I think I think a lot of them and I don't know this,

but it seems logical to me that maybe they kill themselves on accident because they're fucking with the laughing ass. I mean, there may be a couple that's just very by the way that changes my next visit to the day I already get along with my dentist great but I'm going out of my goddamn way this next visit. PS the new thing now is to kill yourself at work and everybody at your job. So like yeah, I don't understand. This guy's take is so off putting horribly. It's unbelievably like, it really was just a way for him to be like, I work real hard.

Say his name doesn't say his name. No, no, no. fucking stab it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no lying at the wharf in Banger, Maine, placed a vessel of burning charcoal in the cabin where they slept. Well, both I could see the problem here. Yeah, but I mean, they brazed to themselves. They smoked themselves. This is like every year at this time. They have to start releasing articles down in Louisiana telling people like, Hey, if you're going to fry turkey this year, don't like, do you

know how many people in Louisiana die at Thanksgiving from frying the turkey like closed garage? What are you doing? But people don't know. I know the videos where people like you want to hold it until it's under the grid. Ted's gone. I mean, Jen, I lived in Brooklyn. I lived on the third story of a building. And it was just only three stories.

And all of a sudden, we're just smelling like charcoal and just that barbecue smell, you know? Where holes are just lit. And we're like, what the fuck? And we run downstairs and our neighbor has he his unit was a garage. So the garage door opens up and then there's his unit. And and he is he's barbecuing.

And we're like, what are you doing? And he's like, it's raining, but I wanted to barbecue like he's just raining, barbecuing inside. I love it. It doesn't bother me. I'm not kidding. I would try to pull it off now. God, I did have to tell somebody

like they were like, it's so hot in my garage, my air conditioners out. I'm just gonna go sit in my car and run the air conditioner. I was like, open the garage, moron. Because you think you're tar. Oh, man. Because you think you're going to get cool, dummy.

By the way, you're going to get real cold real fast. Yeah, you are. Exactly. Jesus. OK. Both the captain and mate on going ashore warned them not to put on any more coal and to leave the door open.

So they did smoke them. They like Casey barbecue, like whoever the coroner was, was like they died from what we call falling off the bone deliciousness. You can pick up a rib and stick on. These men are cooked to perfection. They now would anyone like some macaroni? I have a feather to stick in my hat. Now hold on.

We're on this. They neglected both. And in the morning the mate found one named Garvin dead. The other was resuscitated with much difficulty. I can only imagine how they resuscitated. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, they were like, pour gold up his ass quickly.

He's dead. Pour gold up his ass. We might lose it. Then he's like, like how you cough up water. He just starts gurgling gold. But oh, Jesus, Garvin's dead. These Boston people for a lot of this, Jen, this we do this often, obviously, and these papers, this is a very particularly crazy paper.

I want you guys to get a good southern paper. You don't even need to go back that far. You get like the Baton Rouge advocate from like 1954 and be like, what the fuck are they doing? What are they doing? What are they doing down there? Is this real? It's like from two weeks ago. Yeah, you guys. This is insane.

You could grab last week's paper and be like, listen. A man who had been trying the virtue of Brandy as a preventative of cold was found Monday afternoon lying on his back in the park in a state of insensibility. A guy got drunk? Yeah, he would inevitably have frozen if suffered to remain there much longer, but being sent to Bridewell is in a fair way of recovery. So are they saying the brandy did save him? No, someone finding him saved him.

Some maybe. But maybe it kept him warm is what they're saying, which maybe he was. Well, then I would just the only thing I would posit, then, is we're suggesting we've not only cured fire issues, but not and frost, but now full freezing. Well, hold on. The watch on Sunday morning found a man in a similar predicament. He was extended on the pavement nearly frozen to death. On his being taken to the watch house, powerful remedies were applied, which happily had the effect to revive him. Okay, if this guy had a job, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

Thank you. Thank you. It's all these people with all that time to kill, and then they take themselves. That's why they call it time to kill. The great undertaking of the celebrated Mr. Osbold's beautiful as Baldeston to ride 200 miles in 10 successive hours for a bet of 1000 sovereigns.

A lot of take sovereigns will take place at the new market during the next Houghton meeting. So the bet is for 1000 sovereigns that he can go. How far? A thousand bucks or whatever sovereigns are. Two hundred miles in 10 hours. Yeah, but just sounds like riding in a circle. Oh, he's going to get very sick. Yeah. Well, it might be a big bigger circle than you think. OK. The ground selected for the performance is in the neighborhood of Chevalier

and has been staked out for the occasion. Mr. O will ride six of his own horses and six belonging to another gentleman. Mr. O and horses. When she comes. That's it. That's what it is. That's what it is. By the way, she faked. Six horses with one ass. How do you do that?

Change of. Just like when the president signs a bill into law, they use 30 pens. He's like, this is so historical. I'll need a horse every two hours. Give me a fresh. Mr. On the horses are in active training. Well, yeah, of course, they fucking are.

The horses are. That's all the horses doing the work. The dude's not doing shit. You're sitting on a horse. I love the idea that they're like, wow, way to go. It is all horse. Going the whole hog, the Washington Telegraph received yesterday contained no less than seven pictures of whole hogs where of one was furnished with almost as many young as

was Mr. John Rogers wife. What just happened? What the fuck? What? Okay, so they got a paper. Here's what they're saying. Elsie had a pig, she had six little pigs, just like John's wife.

Remember when John's wife had six babies? This fucking pig did the same thing. Hey, Debbie, are you a swine? And you feed them all on your weird little titties? I think you should name one of them Virginia Amp. Can we eat one of your kids? Let's put it in the crib with coal. Maybe we can get some charcoal.

We could roast one of them. These babies are slow like they did that fella. These kids are good. I mean, this is a story that another paper had pictures of seven hogs. That's the story. The story is picked up by an oh, that they were a magic coming through every paper back then and being like,

well, here's a must have. This is awesome. That's why the editor was like, you see, not anyone could do this. I one time went back to look at what was in the paper the day I was born. And a hippo was born in the New Orleans zoo the same day that I was born. And I weighed seven pounds and three ounces and the hippo only weighed six pounds and eight ounces. It's safe to say you're a disappointment. I'm just saying I did not feel good about myself that day.

I don't recommend you looking that up in the paper what happened on the day you were born? That is so funny. Oh, great. Oh, my God. Tomb for sale for sale. One half of a tomb in the South Bay. That's like when you're like getting an Airbnb and you're like, wait, oh, wait, this is just like a little basement for these. Yeah, there's a curtain. Oh, my own thing. Well, there's one guy who lives in it, but you get your own little area over here. It does sound like another Shel Silverstein poem though.

Yeah, it does. Yeah, by the way, you know what you call that? You call that tomb mates. I gotta go. This is my to go. This is my to me. Also, a well-situated pew in Reverend Mr. Ripley's church. You get those to sell pews.

That's how my that's how my family split from the the church in Idaho was because they wanted to charge too much for a pew. And my whatever great great grandfather was like go fuck yourself and then we we stopped on a church and just like that we gave up on god that is amazing that's it we're jews it didn't really take a lot didn't really take a lot It didn't really take a lot. It didn't really take a lot. No, no, no.

We were kind of looking for a reason to go. And once they were still going on pews, we were like, fine. What are we supposed to do? Spend the whole day on our knees? Fuck these guys. It's so great to be a kid in that situation, where you're like, wait, our Sundays are free? Like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're trying to take us to the cleaner over these pews. Yeah, we are not doing this. I don't think so. My Lord gives pews at half price. Yeah. I mean, it does sound like, it does sound like me, right? I mean, that does sound like my family.

Yes. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He would be standing in a Jesus on a crucifix and be like, nobody's had it harder than me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha A fashionable hat. Yeah. Wow.

Everybody wore hats until everybody the 50s. You didn't not. If you weren't wearing a hat, there was some like literally. Yeah, no, you're doing good. You're doing good. But if you but there are stories are like there was a man who was hatless. Like they start out like that because there are his name. If seen kill a fashionable hat is the true criterion of credit showing that a man is neck to neck with his neighbors in the race of prosperity.

Wow. But but let him wear a beaver that is six months out of fashion and he is distanced and dished. Look, as a lesbian, I can tell you beaver needs to be fresh. Thank you. As a straight man, I will concur. How long I'm old? You can't just be wearing any old beaver on your head. You certainly can't have last season's beaver. That's not helpful. the I'm just gonna get behind the damn head. Yeah, without question. I like to wear a beaver as a hat.

That's not a terrible thing. So what's your plan down there? Give me a minute. I'm just seeing how you fit over here. Do you mind if we do one in the mirror? I'm gonna go down on you and try it on as a chapeau. I wear you to church. I'm the Napoleon of pussy.

By the way, it seems like you're selling a pew at a discount rate down here. Pay no attention to this hot gold I'm pouring on you. You want to go wash this out? It smells like you're rocking last season's beaver. OK, he might as well haul up at once, for he has forfeited his stakes and no one will bet upon his head. So basically this guy wore a beaver skin or whatever beaver hat at the wrong time of the season. He probably wore white beaver after Labor Day. Yeah, that's right. He wore white beaver skin or whatever beaver hat. They probably at the wrong time of the season. He probably wore white beaver after Labor Day.

Yeah, that's right. He wore white beaver. Yeah. The elder. And you're supposed to be a good slave beaver because it catches fire. You're supposed to work beavers after you took one of the elder beavers. It was like, boys, gather round. Yeah, I've seen a lot of dams in my time. But if you see a fellow with a two year old, it's in waterproof, right? It's in quotations here. But if you see a fellow with a two year old waterproof rely on

it, he is foundered no longer fit to be on the turf and had better be under it. No clue what's happening. I feel like it's just like a Shakespeare play and I gotta figure out the definition of fucking words before I can know what's happening. Yeah, it's one of those things. Remember when you used to have like in school

where you'd like have to do Shakespeare and you'd be like, and I have no clue what the fuck I'm actually talking about right now. But I did memorize it over a week. I think waterproof is the Beaver Hat. And I think if it's two years old, then they have to be waterproof because I don't know if you know this beavers very slippery. Not when I get my hat on them.

All right. Well, that was that was the that was the Boston Post. Right. I feel like I got quite an education and yeah, I don't want to go back to Boston. Well, you also thought you thought your hippo competitive paper was something. And then we got into this and Jesus. It's nothing. I know. This is what I'm saying. This is this and Jesus. It's nothing. I know, this is what I'm saying.

This is tough. Well, Jen, listen, come back whenever, whenever you have time in between Cirque du Soleil shows. People can go watch, your website is jenkober.com for information on all this shit. Yes, sir. Kober is like silver but with a K. Yes, that's right.

Jen Kober right there. Two stars next to it on this taping, but ignore those, we're told. So just go find your Cobra. Jen, truly, thank you for joining us. You were fucking awesome. Yeah, I hope you learned a lot. I know I learned. I did. I learned so much. Good. That's what matters. We're here to educate. I'm going to go make sure my beaver is fresh before my show

You'll miss me honey, some of these days. So I travel a lot, I mean a lot, perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there, I'm living out of suitcases, or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy, and I want all the comforts of home. That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible. Recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado, and I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff. And before we got to the gigs, we were like,

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