The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 97 - The Past Times with Chris Tallman

Episode Date: October 25, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by actor and funnyman Chris Tallman Redbubble Merch

So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence you have a kitchen you have a yard you know it's communal living it's just a less stressful place more enjoyable experience so when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour

in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb you know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb.

Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. All right, everybody. Welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week Fantastic the Burt Fehrsner Chris Talman Wow

Hi Chris Are you I'm a fan from a long time ago Were you anybody was watching Comedy Central back in like 95? Well, that's what it was. That's what it was. Were they like with the first years guys you looked up to? Yes, completely. Oh, really?

Lamb chops and dill sauce. Mm hmm. Oh, they were technically veal balls and dill sauce, actually. Oh, wow. Let's try, Garrett. Nice try. Sorry. The dill sauce is important. Yeah, no, I was I remember, you know, there there were a few moments where I was

like, oh, my God. And one of them was not only seeing Chris, but when Chris started coaching an improv team, I was on, I was like, this is fucking nuts. It was like I was Dilbert was your friend. Dill saucepert. See, and we're back. It was like Dilbert was your friend. Dil Sossbert. See? And we're back. But Chris, you are a fantastic performer.

We talked about when you joined us on a dollop recording, I did talk about the greatest initiation of all time, which you said to me, Benjamin Franklin, walk me through your childhood home. And it was it was one of those entry level moments of everyone in the audience is like, this guy is too stupid to handle that initiation. Let's watch him tap dance and pull it. But Chris, you're on the Thundermans, a huge hit show. Yeah. And you also have nerder, which Dave's been on. And we talked about how Dave checks the corners. And I did.

And people can get that wherever they listen to the things that we listen to nowadays. Is that correct? Any corrections? No, Gareth, so far other than the veal balls, which is a huge mistake. We'll fix that in post, by the way. We'll fix that. Oh, never mind. Great job, Gareth. I'll get a couple of wild veal balls, which is a huge mistake. We'll fix that in post, by the way. We'll fix that in post. Oh, never mind. Great job, Garrett.

I'll get a couple of wild veal balls after this. Okay, Chris. So, and that's quite a sentence. Look, I don't know if you've listened. I have? No, no, no. Don't do that. Oh, no. We're going to guess what year this paper is from. You're going to go first as the guest. We're not going to give you any clues, but just take a stab. What do you think? Paper year could be 2001 is our eldest and our youngest

is 1600s, but I would stick above and below those two. If I were you, but it's up to you. Yeah, no, I like that. I'm, for whatever reason, I feel sentimental with Dave and I feel like he's going to keep it within my lifetime. I was born in 1970. So I'm going to go early seventies. I'm going to go early seventies. Okay. Interesting. Give us a year. 72. Wow.

Interesting. I'm not going to lie. I really like the guests a lot. I really do. I like the guest and the guests and I'm going to go, I'm going to guess that we will be just because I think you're probably right, but I'm not going to be a jerk off. I'll say 1932 just to keep it interesting. Yeah. So I messed up. I thought Chris, I thought you were born in 1869. Oh, okay. That's the year I picked. So well, that's on me. I'm a huge fan. I mean, I was born just before the Civil War. So yeah, right. Yep. I love it when Chicago burned. So this is all good stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. March 18th, 1869, Sweetwater, Tennessee, the Sweetwater forerunner. Oh, forerunner is a good name for it was a car.

Yeah, I agree. I like that. What does the name of a place? Yes, we want to know the forerunner is the paper, but sweet water. I see. I have no idea where that is. I mean, it doesn't matter once it's in Tennessee. It's

We want to say how much we love our Tennessee listeners and Dave doesn't speak for the show. Dave is an individual and sometimes he fires off about little areas just, you know, his own angles. Dave likes to keep it jagged. Yeah, Dave. Dave comes out stabbing. It looks like it's about an hour south. West. That's enough. So there you go. OK, so it's it's it's it's not a major city, but it's.

Sure. It's important to us still. But back then, it's like you may as well be in another country if you're that far away from the box. Sure. First thing here is a little. OK, laws of newspapers for the instruction and guidance. Some who may possibly need information on the subject, we copy the following. This is like a book you wrote and leave out for your wife. Like how to fuck Ralph.

First of all, leave his ass alone. What's wrong with you? First of all, if you're going to put something in it, let him know. Yeah. OK. Postmasters are required to give advice by letter when a subscriber does not take his paper from the office and give the reason for it's not so specific. So if this is a personal grievance, if someone doesn't pick up their newspaper, the postmaster has to

write a letter and get a letter back and have the person say why they didn't take the paper. Yeah, they're over. They overthink what the postmaster the postmaster like. Yeah, no, it's not going to happen. And this is this is an article in the paper. Yes, is the this is the sometimes the papers tell people how to do their paper like they they are like very like you're

not doing this right. Yeah, it happens a lot. It's aggressive. I'm going to point out that this sounds to me like the postmaster walked from the post office next door to the whatever the journalism house, whatever the newspaper is like, I've got a front page story. It's called Michael's Rules. Like what the fuck?

Yeah. Okay. I'd like to know why. Why please? Wait, here it is. So neglecting to do so makes the postmaster responsible to the publisher for payment. That's crazy.

So if someone doesn't pick up the paper, I guess they must have to pay for it when they pick it up. Right. And then I guess, and then the postmaster has to pay for it if someone doesn't want it anymore. If someone doesn't want it, the postmaster has to write a letter to the person and get a response. But yes, but you're putting all of it on the postmaster.

Man, how did we make newspapers so complicated? That's so. So this pre stamps. Who is it? My team is thinking that's what the postmaster is like. I got to get my 13 cents somehow. Yes, you might be right. Mm hmm. Very good.

Any person who takes the papers regularly from the post office, whether he has subscribed or not, is responsible for the payment of the subscription. So stupid to make your first headline about how to handle your paper. I am out 13 cents. Anyone ordering his paper discontinued must pay all arrearages or the word it is now flagging it if you put a word in a paper it's a word our rear edges or the publisher may continue to send it until payment is made and collect the whole amount whether it is taken that's officer crazy too I'll just keep sending it and you'll keep on me money postman.

I mean, holy this is okay. The courts have decided that refusing to take a newspaper or periodical from the post office or removing although there's no G it's removing and leaving the uncalled for is prima facie evidence of intentional fraud. Wow. Prima facie. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Somebody's cousin went to school. Yeah.

Prima nocta, but with a paper. You begged my articles. All right. So to start out this paper, they're already creating the readers that they're hostile to the reader. They've already started a fight on page one with the readers. Like, what the fuck did I do, man? Tell your mother I can't pass the Brussels sprouts because I don't want to. Yeah. Very mom and dad.

OK, the farmer's barometer. Oh, that's very, you know about this because you guys are from Wisconsin. So you know about this. Absolutely. Take a common glass pickle bottle. Yeah. Wide mouth. Dave, I does everyone not know this because so far this is pretty straightforward that you're going to want to take a pickle bottle wide mouth. Yeah, this is like a Racine, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Shavoygan Racine. Yeah, exactly. Fill it with three inches of the top with water. Uh huh. Hmm. Then take a common. Yep. Take a common Florence oil flask. Measuring water. Take a common Florence oil flask, remove the straw covering and cleanse the flask

thoroughly. Plunge the neck of the flask as far as it will go. Yeah. Into yourself. And the barometer is complete. Uh huh. In fine weather, the water will rise in the neck of the flask, even higher than the mouth of the pickle bottle. This is I mean, literally, this is like when I used to get stoned and try to put IKEA furniture together. Mike, I literally don't know what's happening anymore.

Garrett, two in the morning calling IKEA. What the fuck is a pickle bottle? I have an Allen wrench and some screws. Oh, that's what the dresser is called. Oh, it's the pickle bottle. It's available in brown or tan. In wet, windy weather, it will fall to within an inch of the mouth of the flask before heavy hail of wind.

The water has been seen to leave the flask altogether at least eight hours before the gale came to its height. This image was made by a German. What was made by a German? I mean, that makes no sense. That was made by a psychotic person like that's a crazy. Yeah, those are not directions that are helpful even back then in any way. People like that is.

And there's no way the water is coming out of the flask eight hours before the wind gets there. I mean, that's what it's saying. That's what it's saying. Wow. In eight hours, there's going to be a monumental event. Honey, look. A little band of veterans. On Washington's birthday, a little band of veterans, 23 in number, assembled at a hall in the Bowery to honor the memory of the great Virginia Patriot.

Oh, they were survivors of the War of 1812. Oh, wow. They're old. Yeah. Well, not then. Because if they were 20 and 1812 and what are we 1839? We're 1869. Oh 1869.

Okay. They are supposed to live this long. No, but however, let's say the eight-year-olds were going into battle to some extent. That's true. So that's true. Washington was our old. Yeah. I mean, he loved to use children on the front lines. He loved it. He loved it. Send the boys. Those wily boys running through the brush. Oh, Brits will never know what happened. Shoot over the boy's heads. Amazing strategy.

The old man whose ages average about 75 are helpless, impoverished and almost forgotten. Jesus Christ. And avid readers of this publication. At their little meeting last week at the really driving point of that little thing. These veterans, whatever. They signed a petition to be presented to Congress in which they say that, quote, many of them are in abject want at the present time, living on the cold charities of friends

and neighbors. Some are living with their children who in many cases aren't able to support them. Some are living in Garrett bedrooms. They're rent paid by the church to which they belong and trusting to friends to furnish the means to subsist from day to day. So it's like we treat our veterans now. It's the VA now. Yeah, it sounds terrible. It's the VA now where it's like, yep, you come here for us to tell you who to panhandle at. Yeah. We can no longer live next to the giant garbage fire that you have stationed us next to for the past 10 years.

Yeah. There is one whose home is in the cabin of an old canal boat. It's still going. Okay. A canal boat. None of them lives in a canal boat. My mother lives near canal boats and they are the funniest thing. Oh. Yeah. And man oh man.

Oh yeah. I've seen those. I've seen those in England on like TV shows. Super crazy. So like a houseboat. If your house was really tiny and weird and it's just you are like, man, this is a soup. Like it just honestly, you're like heroin must be getting shot in there. They are long and tiny. They're like canal submarines, but above water.

They are the weirdest. And you're like, I mean, you're truly like, which way you going that way. It's the only option. What do they do for toilets? I don't think any of us want to know. It's a bucket. It's a I would guess it's pretty close to a bucket or a hole in the canal. No, the canal. You're not going to shit in your tiny

little narrow thing. You're going to shit in the giant probably bucket crap and toss it into the canal. We are. Chris, are you are you pitching? They hang their ass over the side of the boat. Sure. They catch their feet over the beautiful polished brass railing, which I'm sure is there for safety.

Absolutely. The bow and they just dropped their trousers. So, yeah, I would say trousers definitely down to sort of like above knee, because if you slip, you want to have some traction on the back of your knees to catch on the polished brass rail. And then you just kind of hang down. And I think the trick is not shitting down the side of the boat. That's a big part of it. But then you probably just get a mug or something

and just kind of canal the water onto it. Yeah. But everybody knows you're a wreck amateur. All the other... No, butt barnacles. Yeah. All the other- No butt barnacles. Yeah. All the other canal boaters are like, look at this newcomer. Yeah, you have to, the canals are very small, so you really have to pick your spot.

You have to make sure the coast is very clear to pull off your brass ass theory. Is there enough room for them to go side by side each other, like in opposite directions? That's all there's room for. I mean, and imagine the embarrassment of rubbing asses with another boat. Oh, we've had a poos swap. A plop.

I'm fascinated by this. And and do they just park anywhere they want or dock? Yes, they want. And then they just hang there. Yes, for a boss. Yes. That's exactly what happens. The people get mad at him. Is there like a.

Now it all seems very English and supportive in their weird little way of like, this is fine. Yeah, it's so funny. Yeah. What happens when the tide goes out, Gareth? Yeah, it's it's it gets dicey. It gets dicey. That's where that's that's when you see where they've been shitting. Oh, yeah.

So surely the country could better afford to appreciate a few thousand dollars annual to keep annually to keep these old men out of Alms houses. No, that never happens. Wrong. It never happens. A thousand dollars. No, and we can't we can't afford that. No, no, no. Sorry. We're buying gold for the king. Yeah. You idiots. I mean, wow, that's a sad life.

I didn't know it was going to get that sad. It got. Yeah. I'm sorry, the the women's. Why are you apologizing specifically to me, the canal stuff? Yeah. Well, we just were talking about. Or you think I'm just extra sensitive. You seem like a, I don't know, like a fucked up people is what we're saying. Well, I don't know.

I think Chris is apologizing in a better direction than what you're trying to bottom line. I think Dave's right. I don't think that's Chris. I'm getting down to the brass knuckles of the whole thing. Dave's getting down to the shitty canal bottom, to be honest. Right, I'm getting to the canal bottom. Again, it's a life, and it chooses them. And while it doesn't make sense to us,

and it seems like it should have been outlawed in 1890, it's still highly active where my mother lives. So I'll get her on the goddamn phone right now. Do they fish? Do they eat like crawdads out of the canal? Crawdads? You're in the wrong region. Do they hang their bottom over until a fish jumps up and catches?

Oh, no. Like what's that hand fishing thing where they shove their hand in? Oh, yeah. The I think you guys think England's New Orleans. That's not what's happening. My God. No. Oh, the vampire Lestat isn't starting. No, no. The food is the same, right?

A poo boy. Yeah, no, wrong. The women's rights paper in New York says bills will soon be introduced into several legislatures compelling hotels to receive women traveling alone unless there is positive evidence of bad character. Wow. So this is exciting. They don't let women sleep overnight. Sorry. We're just trying to figure out we're judging her character. Yeah. So they so women not allowed to get a hotel on their own until now. Well, that's how you keep them from traveling, right? They can't go anywhere because they

can't. The constant fear of what a woman would fall into or do. Is it city hookers that are sort of leading this? Because they're just like, I don't want one of those country hookers come into town and stay. I think it's just any I think it's I think it's just actually not. There's no sex work happening here. It's just women wanting to be able to. Women want to travel and men and husbands being like, that's absurd. Cheryl, you'll die.

They're all. They're all. You'll talk a bunch of men who aren't me and then you'll die. Do you understand? If you're alone in a hotel, you'll suck everybody off. Do you understand what will happen? Your little brain can't see the future you're headed for. You foolish woman wearing pants, wanting to run.

You'll die, you idiot. She's I think Chris, this is a time this was women couldn't go to the post office alone at this point in time. Well, not with the post office just shouting at them from the newspaper. And when he's swamped. When women started going to the post office alone, like men flipped out.

Lost their minds. They lost their fucking minds. What are you gonna do, lick all the envelopes, you crazy, you fake the past? Yeah. Wow. Sounds like men have really been afraid of women crazy. Wow. Sounds like men have really been afraid of women for a long, long time.

We haven't been doing great. Oh, I don't know. I don't agree. I don't know. You don't know. No, you think it's correct. Yeah. Well, we overcorrected. They're following. They're talking to each other. Cars. You can mailing mailing letters. It's called the male, not the female.

Thank you. Past times will be right back. Are you into protein powder? Dave loves juicing. Oh man. I can't wait for our Alex Jones commercial. It's going to be so great. Guys, there's a whole avenue open to you. I can't wait Oh, my God. You guys buy gold.

Yeah, wait and drink it. We're drinking gold. The manufacture of tobacco is extensively carried on in California. Hmm. Oh, what? Sure. Well, I can't. OK, I can't. OK. I had no idea. Yeah, I was. Because it's not a crop that we do here now at all. Now it's all Kentucky and no, no, we're a vape people now.

We're vape people. Yeah, we grow vapes and harvesting gummies. Yeah, exactly. And tacos. Those are probably our big three. Those are the big three. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Vape juice, gummies and tacos. Those are probably our big three. Those are the big three. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Vape juice, gummies and tacos. Yeah. It is reported that there are at present 178 different places in San Francisco where cigars are made.

That is shocking. A 178. That's a lot. It's a very competitive industry. It's like a store back then. Yes. Yes. And about 1,000 persons engaged in the business. These establishments turned out 50 million cigars last year.

Jesus Christ. Wow. What in the fuck? Oh, the smell. Oh, yeah. I'm not. But in the day, I mean, wasn't every gentleman smelling of a cigar like wasn't I guess? Yeah, they must have been. Yeah. And that's why they're

like women can't go out because they'll find a nudge cigar smelling man and fuck him. What was the last time you guys smoked a cigar? Last time I smoked a cigar was like every time I smoked a cigar where I'm like, yeah, it's not for me. Don't care for it. Yeah. I don't feel good. I'm trying to seem like I could do it around other men and it's not going well. It's in the company of other cigar smokers.

Yes, always. Yeah. And when I walk by those little cigar places where guys are just in a cigar shopping it up and smoking, I just don't know what's happening. I don't get it. I don't get it. The only time I've ever been in one of those shops has been with a friend and the guy says, well, what do you want? And I realize what I end up describing is not a cigar. Oh, do you have a thing that's very small, that doesn't smell?

So you're asking for a cigarette again. Hmm. That sounds nice. Or could it be like some Fritos? Do you guys sell a cigar that's like a bag of chips? So you're ordering a burrito again. Let's beat Pico de Gallo in it and it's wrapped very tight. Yeah. And then a lot of cheese. You know what I mean? Just like right in there.

If you go into that special. I think the only one I've been in was the one that was next door to the improv. No, I don't probably go out now. Yeah. About 50 factories are exclusively controlled by Americans and about 100 are managed by Chinaman. Well, we knew that was coming. I mean, eventually they get to the races. Yeah, yeah. Yep. The disdain. And by the way, probably a far superior cigar.

Probably. Yeah. The tobacco plantations in the southern portion of the state promises heavy and fine crops this year. I wonder how they got those crops. Tobacco plantations in in Southern California. Oh, they're seeing it. So Cal. Yes. No, I thought they meant like the Southern states. Wow. This is interesting.

I moved away from it, but I believe not everyone can make it in Hollywood. No, it's a southern portion of the state. So, OK. When is Los Angeles sort of like a city? It's not yet. We'll let you know. Yeah. Is it? I mean, I think, I think this is right around when we take it. So maybe this is the grow and grow because it said San Francisco. So maybe Los Angeles is really like a place. It was like a transition period. Like there were still a lot of for a while, a lot of, you know, Mexican landowners. Mm hmm.

Don Diego de la Vega, AKA Zoro Fox. That's him. That's the guy. That's the guy. Good. Oh, you want to hear a poem? Not really. This is if this is one of Dave's originals.

For skin, for skin. Where are you now? Oh, in me hand. The following is a literal transcription of the prescription of a letter put in the post office in Louisville. It is a post. That was a big player. Oh, yeah. It has gone on its way, rhyming, and Grant will doubtless... I can't read that word.

It's a viral letter. Long C that all ends in smoke. Here we go. Mash this stamp! I'm bound to go. To stop me now you can't. I want to see the President, Ulysses S. Grant. My trips, I know a long one to ride upon

the cars, but then I will be useful to light up his cigars. So check my baggage through and start me on the run. I'm going to see the president who's now at Washington. This is great. Not worth our time. I totally disagree. And also this is from the POV of us. Or was it a match? Oh, that's pretty good. Stamp on and I'm going to light a cigar. The lighting of the cigar is I've yes. I don't know.

Like most poems at the end. I'm really just going to pretend I understood. I think I think it's a match. Okay. All right. Way to go. Chris, you win the podcast once again. Oh my gosh. A guy who lights cigars for people or maybe like the letter itself is that's what I was sort of thinking like it was going to be. That's kind of what I was picturing. Right? Gareth, I you puzzle. I yield to you. I yield to your idea. If you're yielding to me, you're in a dark zone, Chris. I

think you know that pretty well from the Benjamin Franklin Childhood Home initiation. If you yield to me, you're going to want the wheel back real quick. No, no, no. Let's see where it goes. Oh, a gully. Why are we in a gully? A canal? We were driving. Oh, shipboat. I miss you. So I travel a lot. I mean a lot, perhaps too much to some of you. But that's kind of my gig, right?

So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home. That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible. Recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins Colorado and I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs we were like let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence. You have a kitchen, you have a yard, you know it's communal living, It's just a less stressful place, more enjoyable experience. So when I go on tour, you know, like I'll be going on tour in a couple months, I always am like, well, could my place be an Airbnb?

You know, just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb.

Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Local and other matters. The red cross mark and then there's like a little actual X kind of share on the margin of your paper is not a coup clux ism. Jesus Christ, but a sign that your subscription has expired. Oh my God.

Whoa, What? Those are some cross wires. Diane, I think we're in the Klan. What? We're in the Klan. Look. Why is our paper getting a Klan thing on it now? Oh, well, I guess it's a Klan publication.

Mother, father, I forgot to bring a nickel to the newspaper house. Well, great. Now we're in the KKK, you idiot. Oh, she's just good. We had that coming. That's I mean, it's quite a mix up. I guess people didn't know how the clan works. They were just like, oh, we've been chosen. But hey, great incentive to fucking pay that bill.

Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Yeah. You know what? If I got that from AT&T every month. OK, spectrum sends you a bill. Well, listen, you owe us for Internet, but you haven't paid it. So now you're in the clam. Well, you can watch Hulu or be a hate monger. Yeah. Yeah. you missed your payment.

You're mega now. Oh, damn it. I need one mega. Please send your renewal at once. It is important that this little matter be attended to immediately. Sure. And then and then there's a little this is in quotes now. Don't steal me for I am private property bought and paid for by a subscriber, one who sustains the press and wants to read me.

Don't borrow me for my owner don't like it. And besides, the machine will turn you out a copy just like me for four cents. And you want to sustain the press, go and subscribe and keep your conscience easy. The amount that this paper is about paying for this paper is absurd. Don't borrow me. I mean, this paper is all of the half of the articles in this paper.

Like you pay for me. Do you understand? Please. I don't do this for charity. Yeah. Hey, Shakespeare, you still reading? Why don't you cough up a couple of minutes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. It's what you like scrolling through an article and it's like, well, it's going

to be $1.99 to pay for the subscription if you want to finish it. And if not, you're in the KKK. Oh, shit. Already logged in? A subscriber? Or are you a KKK member? Oh, looks like you love South African diamonds now as well. Cheapskate. Tell you what you like for your articles. Welcome to the Nazi party. Oh, shit. Bogart and gains.

Hmm. And passing around town, we noticed that Maseur's Bogart and gangs are doing something. Suppose they will tell people soon what they intend doing through the columns of the forerunner will wait and see. I know obviously no clue what's happening. Literally local news. And the Briggs and Murtaugh of the day. Oh, right. Yeah, it's just local town.

So everyone knew these two. Yeah, someone's up to something. These guys are up to something. They're doing something. Yeah. to. Yeah, someone's up to something. These guys are up to something. They're doing something. Yeah. And we got a lot of things. Oh, God. And games. Will we rape you or sing a new song? What could we do? What could we do? Hey, so we heard from the Bogart and Gaines estate and they are really unhappy with the song.

Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, there's some issues. No, the melody to them, there's no issue. Lyrically, they feel like it immediately goes in a dark direction that they have nothing to do with. I did say their name twice. Maybe we can cut that out. So it's just Bogart and Gaines. No, no, no, no.

Eating the kids. No, no, no. No, no, no. Again, that's the part. That's the part. I think it's what you're saying that Bogart and Gaines are doing. While we don't know what they're doing, this speculation song doesn't seem to be necessarily serving what they're putting out there because they've never eaten kids and they're not rapists.

I'd like to point out the line outside the Bogart and Gaines office is down the street. So you could say attention has never been. People are very worried about what they're doing. Look at all the pitchforks. Yeah, exactly. It's a panic. And that, I think, is what Bogart and Gaines are upset about.

They haven't been able to leave their office for two days because of your song. It was just like, Bogart and Gaines, Bogart and Gaines. Wow, maybe philanthropists, Bogart and Gaines, you know? Tying up women. Drinking their faces. No, no, they can't drink, they're not drinking faces. Hm?

Did you say drinking their faces? We don't know, we don't know what Bogart and Gaines do. What do they do next? It just seems... Legally, he's in the clear. Putting the mayor into a pit. What? Again, these are very negative.

Do you understand the theme with all of your Bogart again songs that we're taking issue with? Because every repitch feels like it's dark again. Yeah. Okay. So bright. So happy light and bright. I feel like bright. So happy light, light and bright because I feel like bright. I feel like the fact that you've

clicked in so fast is worrying. Remember, because these are the gentlemen who just built the town gazebo. They are very helpful. You love the gazebo. All right. It's from Oh, God, and games. All right. That's goals are under the good. They call. No, they're not. What? No, why are you getting it on a graveyard? I can't. I don't know.

We just don't know. Oh, just think about it. All right. Anyway, here's a bag of hands. Compliments of Bogart and gay. Oh, my God. These are children's hands. I think a lot of what he was singing was just projection.

Half a dozen of Brownlow's political friends at Washington took him into the city in a gaudy carriage, but he attracted no more attention than if he had been a calf tied trundle in a wheelbarrow. Well, and we all know how regular that image is. A man dressed up like a calf. Yep. Nothing in a wheelbarrow.

Nothing to see there, obviously. Not like a gaudy wagon. The real problem for the rest of the episode is how much the Bogart and Gaines song is stuck in my head. That's right. I mean, maybe it's time to act on those impulses. Nobody's saying that, especially since you got the seat and see some desist. What we did? Oh, shit. Sorry.

Yeah. So we got to stop, obviously. But what were you about? It felt like you were you weren't about to go. Garden games. No, no. Fanta Bill Cosby. No, he's not even around now. He's not even around now. Picture you guys in life.

Yeah. On Thursday morning last, some individual unknown was seeing throwing a bundle from the suspension bridge into the river. Oh my God. Someone threw a bundle into the wow. It's full of hands. A man who was in a canoe saw the bundle when it touched the water and by some tall paddling succeeded in capturing it before it sank.

Think about how quick this article really could be. Oh, yeah. It could be like two sentences, but instead it's like, yeah, the man had a tall panel and decide when it hit the water. I mean, technically it was two sentences. Oh, I swear, technically it was two sentences. Oh, it's work. You guys thought I was making light of that. That was a straightforward point. Yeah, that could have been two sentences.

And I'm glad it was. Right. Right. Yeah. Upon opening the package, a mere ballad to I don't know. What should he see but two Ku Klux suits? What is happening? Wow. So they were throwing someone didn't pay their paper subscription. Yeah. So yeah, I am not a Ku Klux Klan.

God damn it. I just didn't pay the goddamn subscription. Having that you having to throw your clan outfits into the river to be done with it. The individual who was the possessor of these articles of apparel has no doubt become disgusted with his profession and thought no doubt that to bury the hatchet in the waters of the Cumberland was the surest way of disposing of his garments. I mean, no, but okay. I like the drama of it all. You're so dumb with it. You're tossing it into the river.

But it's not as if anyone knows how to light something on fire. It's this guy. I like also that the river seems to be the answer to. Well, now that's gone forever. Yeah, that's it. There's a guy in a canoe like, hey. Yeah. These clan things are gone like my morning boat shit. Yeah.

I probably thought it was a sign. He's like, maybe I will join the clan. It's a pretty good idea, God. It's like the it's like all the all the oxygen for you, right? You're like, what? I throw it in the river. I'm not in the Klan anymore. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead, Chris.

Cultivate them gifts. I'm waiting to see how many more Klan things appear in this paper. I know they are coming up. This paper has a dedicated readership. Yeah. Yeah. There's something going on here for sure It's almost like there's something weird happening in the south in 1869

I think this cultivating this spepsia Just that's yeah, this Pepsi. Yeah sure if I were called upon said James the first of England Though this is your people. Yep The canal people to provide a dinner for Satan. What's what's up? This is if she's to prepare a dinner for Satan. Jesus, the king's gone crazy.

We would start with prosciutto or devs like fancy pigs in a blanket. Shut the door. He is. He loves a car. You know, a crudery. Well, maybe some guac. His bill of fair should consist of roast pig and a pipe of tobacco for indigestion. She's the I mean, what is crazier? bill of fare should consist of roast pig and a pipe of tobacco for indigestion.

She's just that. I mean, what is crazier having tobacco be on your Satan menu or that it's Prilosec? She said, well, no doubt have hotbed, which is why he'll have a pipe full of tobacco from the manner in which two thirds of our adult population treat their unfortunate stomach, one might suppose that they were as willing to destroy their own health as King James would have been to sicken Satan. What is anyone near a grasp of what they're trying to get to

that they're trying to get to? They're talking about healthy eating. That's a bad meal because you would give it to Satan. OK, I don't hate the pitch, but then give him a cure all with that pipe. Or unless he's is that a funny joke that a pipe does not help your tummy. I think that is bad for you, right? It's bad for you. I think they yeah Yeah. OK. Like a negative cherry on top. But I would think at this time they would actually think that cigar smoke would help to just wouldn't shock me.

And the meal is what is it? Pork? It's just yeah, it's pig. I mean, that seems like that would be fine to eat. I mean, it's all fun and games until Satan's there having a good time. Yeah. You know, in most countries, people who indulge in alcoholic drinks take them at mealtimes or immediately after eating when the membrous lining of the stomach is in some degree protected from their inflammatory action by a poultice, so to speak, of masticated food. What in the fuck just happened? Well, it's also 1869, like when people everyone's drinking all day.

Yeah. Every day. That's right. Yeah. And they're also sort of like, it sounds as though everyone's a bit of a doctor because. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Every. Oh, yeah. The Kermaya anger, I just take a knife to the arm, a quick knife to the arm, let out some of the humors, you know, clear out the devil in my soul. Yeah. You're blind, have lung blood. But also the time when to be a doctor, you literally were just like, you know, I think I'm going to think I'm going to open a doctor's office.

And that's what I'll do. This is when a guy who was like a dentist, which it was just pulling teeth was like, I'm also a doctor now. Yeah. I get some leeches. Being a doctor was just hanging up a sign saying, I'm a doctor. Doctor. was just hanging up a sign saying, I'm a doctor doctor.

But the American and Biber prefers to swallow his liquid poison when there is nothing in the organ into which he decants it to qualify its fiery principle or prevent it from taking immediate and full effect on the upon the viscera with which it comes into contact. So essentially the way to drink if you're going to drink is to have some food in your stomach because that helps inflammation, which I'm a little surprised they were even keyed into back then. But people just drink. People drink quickly without food to get drunk immediately. I mean, they knew the way we do now, which is like you eat some salsa and you're like, oh, boy, I shouldn't have had that before I laid down. Yeah, like that's that's what medicine was.

And I don't agree with that sentiment, by the way. OK, it's not like a little bed salsa. The year before Icarus, never sicker. Right. Right. Yes, that's what that comes from, maybe. The vicious rat who throws vitriol in the face of his enemy scarcely misuses him more horribly than one of our perpendicular drinkers misuses his own stomach. Is it any wonder then considering the outrages, the outrages which the people of this country commit upon the internal machinery that dyspepsia is a national disease. Does Pepsi. So it's gotta be hard.

It also just as usual for me comes back to the outhouse, which walking by must have just been. Oh, I didn't think about that. The horrors. Yeah, the main outhouse. I would say like a public like a bar outhouse? Or just any outhouse? I would say like a bar outhouse. Oh, God.

Like where you just be like, oh my God. I assume that's just a trench behind the bar, right? And it's just a bunch of people wishing they were hanging their asses off a boat. Chris, I really, I feel like you have an unhealthy attachment to that. Like, none of us confirmed that that was how it went, you know? I mean, my newspaper keeps shouting about it, so I just assumed it. Well, but I really... Yeah, I didn't know you were in the Klan, but now I just found out.

Oh, not anymore. I threw my robes into the creek. Can't catch me. I did that with a Spider-Man outfit. I don't think I am. I don't know. I did swear it off, but I got it. I don't know. Doc Rock was asking me about you the other day.

Stop. Tell him hi. You Lord is the hell of a guy. Yeah, despite that's just indigestion. I'm sure they call it that in other countries and people scream. This is an article in a newspaper. Yes, this is the longest article in the paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus.

Yeah, it's just angry about drinking on an empty stomach. Yep. Here's one female prize fight. Oh, I can't. The winner gets right. I know she doesn't. I'm just kidding. The bona fide prize fight, according to the rules of the ring, except that hair pulling and biting were allowed. Oh, Jesus. Oh, wow. So it is no holds barred.

Wow. It's MMA. Oh, wow. So it is no holds barred. It's MMA. It's encouraged. Can you bite in MMA? Is that actually? No. No, you can't. Okay. No. Took place between two... Have you seen the slab fighting league?

Took place between two women at Somerville, Massachusetts at an early hour on March 8th. The contestants, on their appearance in the ring, were clad in the conventional costumes of gators, stockings and drawers, wearing nothing else to speak of beyond waterfalls and magenta curls. I think that's their hair, right? Yeah, so it's definitely,

this was definitely the greatest thing that happened for some men without question. Oh, fuck yeah, yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we had to beat off during this. Gareth, no. Why? Come on. Give me one. OK, I mean, I guess so.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Are you going to sit right there? You're sitting right. You're so close to me while you're jerking off. That's theking off. I wonder if you can scooch down a couple seats. That's one option or you start stroking too and then that makes it kind of like something a bunch of us are doing. Is that crazy? I mean, I guess so. There's strength in numbers.

Am I gonna end up having a... Hey guys, make it less weird that I'm jerking off right now by jerking off. Hard, too. We're all kind of uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable. Doesn't matter. Whoa. It's over. Yeah, I'm fucking. This is fun. I'm having a really good bachelor party. This is awesome. I'm a little concerned that even though as you're sitting here and talking, you're just you're just coming. You're just still coming. Well, you ruined the pork.

So tired and exhausted. Might want to smoke a pipe now. At the very first round, one of them, Sarah Chapman, became frightened and jumped out of the ring. Yeah, of course. I mean, what? It doesn't sound like she was ready. It does not sound like this was the will of them.

Yeah. As soon as she realized her nose was going to get bitten off. Yeah. She was like, I'm sorry. What? She definitely did not want to do this. Yeah. Sarah, you're fighting tonight. What? Why? Who? A woman put on this Gator ensemble. Oh, my God. But her backers drew her back again and she eventually won the fight in the 21st round.

Oh my God. These look like two cows. And these are just these are just fists back then. There's nothing. 21st round. How long? Let's say around is a minute. It's not. But let's say around is a minute. Exhaust 21 minutes of these last thing. Yeah.

Awful. Over opponent Molly Jones, both of them having been severely punished. I've punished Jesus Christ. Maggie begged her seconds in God's name to take her away. And so the fight and money, $50 was awarded to Sarah. Oh my God. You know what? This is one of those glad we got the jokes out early one because it ends with a woman being beaten so badly.

She's like, please end this. And so I was like, all right, fine. Give it. By the way, the person who was winning the fight begged for it to be over. My hands don't work. Oh, my God. Oh, Christ. OK.

Um, New Orleans, the sternly on steamboat glide, hence for Red River ran aground and exploded at midnight last night. What? Ran aground and then exploded? I was going to say, as everyone knows, because there was a deafening explosion at midnight. Hey, remember six hours ago when you thought the world was exploding? Nope. The wreck is burned, the boat and air go cargo are a total loss. Five or six men were injured, several of them fatally. So you're not injured.

Yeah, that's that we count them as dead. He dropped the lead. We can do two separate counts, the injured and the dead. They were your husband was badly injured last night. Oh, they were fatally scalded. Oh, that's a way to go. Oh, that's not injury. Oh, no, you can't talk to him for a couple of days.

He's going to be in the hospital until he's done being dead. Your husband was horribly injured. Oh, my God. Yeah. And he died from. Oh, my God. Yeah. And he died from. Oh, God. OK. Thomas, the steamers, J.G. Blackford and Thomas Powell reached the scene in about 20 minutes. The wounded were brought into this city by Governor Allen.

The governor also brought the officers and crew of the steamer. Idaho, the steamer Idaho, the steamer Idaho, Gareth. What? Just because I lived there for years. That we've done. That's that's the only one. We've done three episodes on accidentally or no to Idaho. Yeah, there was like a ship that had guess what on it. They had sex workers.

Oh, yeah. I remember that. Right. OK. It sunk in the I can't read what that is. River on Sunday, the boat and cargo are a total loss, but no lives were lost on the latter. The last time I know is twenty thousand dollars. Wow. So that's the end of my ship. Yeah. Well, at least we got closure on that story from a while ago. We did. It's the Idaho like a party ship. Was it sort of like, sorry, we crashed and burned those men.

Here's a fuck boat. I can't remember. I know it was definitely during the war. I can't remember now. But we've done it twice, so we should know. Well, you should more than me. I mean, I think I'm. You should know, because I read it to you.

No, come on. That's not how learning works, right, Chris? Back me up here. Yeah, I can see me. Guess also doing a Sudoku right now. So, yeah. And by the way, also doing that poorly, might I add. Both are going poorly.

I can't. I said a Raleigh judge, Russell of the Superior Court of North Carolina, issued a proclamation commanding six members of the Ku Klux Klan. Wow. Surrender themselves to sheriff of Robeson County or other lawful officer of the state, authorizing any citizen of the state to capture and bring to justice these laws and in the case of fight or resistance after being called on to surrender, to slay them without accusation or impeachment of any.

Awesome. First of all, awesome. Awesome. Second of all, that that feel good story about the guy who had the finally came to his morality senses and through his KKK uniform into the river. There's a different tenor to that now that he was probably like, they're going to kill me.

Or the guy in the river just was like out with his clan outfit. And he was like, some guy threw it into my canoe. Mm hmm. Not me. No, that's not mine. Even though the initials in the collar of my. Wow. I mean, it fits me. I mean, I like a tapered leg. Oh, sure. It's like Cinderella's slipper, but it's crazy.

What a coincidence. The shoes are so comfortable. Look at them. I mean, whoever had this one took great care of it. So that story was it's now open. See, it's duck season, but it's clan people, which is great. Sounds like there's six guys. They're just like, go ahead and kill those ones, which is great.

Yeah, I'm fine with it. Far better. Far better. Yeah. Yes. Send the message. Suddenly, the women fighting each other. You know, doesn't seem so bad, doesn't it? No, no, you're right. I guess that woman who almost died, she is OK.

That's right, Chris. Mm hmm. Well, she doesn't have an eyelid anymore. She's okay, right? Chris. No, she's no, no. As Dave just said, no, her eyelid was torn off. Hey, hey, it's the friends they made along the way. That's right.

She now can't stop but stare at the sun. Well, at a one eye, at a one eye. The other one is fully closed. Forever. Yeah. Hey. I think that it's those two are going to be OK. Yeah. Better than you have for sure. For sure. Let's just let's just put a finer point on it. Never had children. But yeah. Great.

I bet you they'd be fucking too hell of a clan hunters. Those two ladies. Yeah. Oh my God. Now we have a movie. Clan hunters. Great. And that's the Nintendo game.

Oh my God. What do you think would happen if you, if you started selling a game called clan hunters? Oh man. Well, it would be a great way to get the KKK to come out of the woodwork. Start to see those people. You can't do that. More so. Yeah, I believe it or not. I feel like the woodwork is pretty empty right now.

Yeah, I know. Seemed quite comfortable and cozy as of late. Yeah, it's been an awesome run for sure. OK, these are just like some little one one sentence blurbs down here. The finishing of the Great Railroad to Utah will, it is thought, cause Brigham Young's ribs to be tickled. OK, so yeah, can't disagree. Bormans getting a train. They're excited.

Yeah. The talk of making Alaska a penal colony. They talk of making Alaska a penal colony. Should not the first culprits sent to it be those who bought it? Oh, because we was dumb that we bought Alaska. So right. Saying send. Let's do something with this place. Why don't we send the prisoners up there? Right. But they're the same. Who bought it?

The idiots, the idiots in the government. It's a con deal. Yeah. He's talking Congress guys buying this. Yeah. All right. I mean, not a bad. We expect to see the radical party like a dandy's hair parted in the middle. OK. I mean, yeah. These are like Sudoku articles. Okay. Yeah.

These are like Sudoku articles. Gary, you kind of have a hair. You're sort of like a hair guy. Would you ever part your hair down the middle like a dandy? I've had that. I've done that too. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I've had the I did the butt cut when I my hair was long. Yeah. Looked like it looked like, yeah, like a real little concierge boy.

How long was your how long was your hair? At its longest, it was like shoulder length. Wow. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was bleached for a while. It was a whole thing. It was kind of spic. Were you in Skid Row? No, man. Come on.

No. Finish this sentence. 18 in life. My hair is parted. All right. OK. OK. Close it up. Maybe you were. Maybe you were. OK. An old hat, an old pair of shoes and an old friend make us feel at ease.

Now, that's what I'm talking about. Right. How is that in a paper? Nothing makes me feel more at home when an old buddy comes over in his old hat and his old shoes and I do this thing. God, we all bust out our old robes, our old white hate filled robes, put our robes on and hope that nobody's coming door to door to see what we're wearing.

Okay, Miss Grant. The Washington correspondent of a Western journal has this to say of Miss General Grant. I knew it. Few women ever bore the perilous test of sudden fame and fortune with a more hearty happiness or more unassuming grace. Is she pretty? No. She is a roly poly of a little woman with. Oh, damn. Yes. Fuck. Jesus Christ. Aggressive, honestly. With a face like a boulder.

She reminds me of a potato bug. Wow. But like a table. It's like Trump. If you did this in Trump voice, it'd be perfect. Wait, give me the setup again, Dave. Oh, the beginning. Just the of her description. Is she pretty? No, she's ready. No, it works right away.

She's a real roly poly. OK, she's back in roly poly. Is she pretty? Yeah, no. She's back in Rolly Polly. Is she pretty? Yeah, no. She looks like she's been through a 21 round fight. Yeah. And you look at it. No, I looked at it the other day and said she looked like she's been through a 21 round fight.

So real Rolly Polly. Oh, but she has beautiful hands, neck and feet. Oh, she's. Her features are well cut, but her eyes are crossed. Oh, my God. Jesus, I'm really hoping she never got eyes on this. Although she did. It doesn't sound like she's read it to competence.

I don't think she'd be allowed to read it. It sounds like actually. Wow. Some of her friends wished her to have them straightened. What her what her eyes? What's the thought of what? I don't know. I don't know how you could do that back then.

It's a simple procedure. I'm going to put these loops of string. You can see it. I'm going to put it inside behind your eyes and I'm just going to pull those eyes straight. Right, and yank them straight. Maybe tie it to a door and handle and shut it or something. Great, love it.

Now, your eyes are going to hang out for a while. You seem pretty open to suggestions for someone who says this as a... You're going to be this guy. What you're doing right now is making it look like they're sort of dangling like eye testicles. Yeah, your eyes are going to be actually staring down kind of no matter what because the optic nerve will be just like... Ruined, I would imagine. I mean,

you know, imagine you've taken your clan outfit and thrown it in the river. Well, those outfits are soaked. So they're just going to hang down off the bridge. Yeah, very. Yeah. A self teabagging with eyeballs appears. You should be so lucky. Wait, you've done this before, obviously. You know, I live on a boat. Yeah. OK. Well, shit. Hmm. Yeah.

I mean, you are my dentist. Let's give it a shot. Oh, I'm actually not your doctor. Oh, all right. He's the best. Some of her friends wished her to have them straightened. No, she said Mr. Grant had loved her ever since she was a little girl with her eyes crossed.

All right. You know what? For a minute, you were kind of like, oh, that's cool. He loves her the way she sits, a little girl. This is Grant's daughter. Grant's wife. I thought wife wife. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. He had said that she would not be herself to him if they were straight.

I wish this article would end. It'd be cool if this article ended soon. If he was satisfied, what mattered it to other people? Well, that's nice, except for the fact that he's a pedophile. That's what I bought her. Give me the little roly poly cross-eyed one. She's a beaut. I want one that bumps into shit so I know when she's running away. Like a Roomba with a vagina.

Am I the only one who wants to fuck the Roomba? The suction on that thing. Oh, Gareth. What? That seemed like an informed. Stop. Come on. That's why you put dust on your dick. Come on, everybody.

All right. The pastimes is done, right, Dave? Yeah, it's okay. Dave will be in Atlanta this weekend. Chris, you're the best. Thank you for joining us. Everyone should check out nerd poker. Oh, please do.

Do you like Dungeons and Dragons? Are you a 12 year old child? You love the Thunderbens. You may not be listening to this show. Well, listen, I mean, it's done very well, right? I mean, you're very... Yeah, you're always... We're trying to get this in schools for.

Yeah, we're not trying to get our audience to watch the Thundermans. We're trying to get the Thundermans crew into this world. And I think this is a pretty good episode to show them the sensitivity and softness that this podcast really conveys and gets across. Nickelodeon loves like postmasters that just sort of go off the rails. Now, would they be open to a show about the Klan do you think or is that going to be kind of? I think I have to go. I think I have to.

Okay you should go. Okay I get you. I don't think I can say any of this. Yeah if I were you I would stop talking. So Chris Tallman you're the best. Thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me. I'm so sorry that this is our history. Yes.

No, truly, I would say pretty much the whole thrust of this show is that, wow, why? How is this possible? Yeah. You know, how did this get made? Why is this where we're from? Yeah. Anyway, so everyone check out Lamb Balls and Veal Balls. Veal Balls and Veal Sauce.

Great. It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube. Bert Frischner. God bless everyone. So I travel a lot. I mean a lot. You'll miss me honey Some of these days So I travel a lot I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So i'm out there i'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if i bring the big boy

And I want all the comforts of home. That's why I stay at an airbnb whenever possible Recently, I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado, and I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff. And before we got to the gigs, we were like, let's just get an Airbnb. And it is just a more comforting existence. You have a kitchen, you have a yard, you know, it's communal living.

It's just a less stressful place, more enjoyable experience. So when I go on tour, you know, like I'll be going on tour in a couple of months, I always am like, well could my place be an Airbnb? You know, just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the someone staying at your home in Los Angeles

while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb. Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.