The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - Oofty Goofty

Episode Date: October 22, 2014

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the man known as Oofty Goofty. Tour DatesDollop MerchSourcesPatreon

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd, we'll be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport, and 26th the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. God, do you want to live here to do? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny?

Not Gary Gereux. Dave, okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not going to become the tickling podcast. Okay. You are Queen Fanky of Made Up Town. All hail Queen Shith of Lysville.

A bunch of religious versions. origins go to mingle and do what? Pray. Hi, Gary. No. I sit done, my friend. Um, that was the opening song. No, there's already an opening.

Gary. Don't you look at me like with soap opera face? Gary. Listen to me. That's our opening song. Okay. It's different. I'll say that.

It's the second time. It's different than the first time. Christ. The year was 1962. Hot year. Leonard Bokrat was born on April 26th in Berlin. Okay. He came to America from Berlin at the age of 14 as a stowaway aboard a ship in 1876.

Wow. What? Wait. He, he, he's old. No, he's 14. Oh shit 18 I should 1962 Yeah 18662 okay I was like what is he didn't travel in time

Okay well that's quite a stowa I apologize he stow waited in a time machine Okay I'm gonna start over again the year was 1862 Well do you want to do the song or are we good to go You just all right now start no start Um Okay so he's born He comes to America from Berlin at the age of 14 as a stowaway on a ship

called the FSS Fris Oh, gorgeous. 1876. He was discovered in route to the new world by the captain of the ship and forced to join the crew to earn. Oh, should I mention that this is a small-up? Oh, yeah, you should. Should we start over again? No, I think it's okay, right?

You'll put it out, you'll put it out, and you'll say it's a small-up. Right. So we're doing occasionally, we're going to do small-ups. It's like a short, because I'm getting some stories that are too small to be dollops, but I'm like, that's funny. Yeah. So we'll do small-ups occasionally. Yeah. It's time-consuming, but we'll throw some in once in a while.

This is the first small-up. Okay, I'm ready. The year! He was discovered en route to the New World by the captain of the ship and forced to join the crew to earn his passage. He returned to Germany and back again to the United States aboard the Fresia before being allowed to disembark in New York City. Okay. Bocart drifted from state to state before signing up for the U.S. Calvary in Detroit. Wow, that just sounds crazy

It's quite a jump Yeah It's quite made like quiet a leap Yeah, I'll ride a horse and shoot people Sure His fellow soldiers made fun of him Because he was Jewish It was a terrible time

Yeah After learning he would be fighting Native American Indians who might scalp him He deserted He sold his horse And gunned to a farmer And headed for San Francisco Better

All right All right Yeah He arrived there in 1884 at the age of 22. All right. Okay. While working on Market Street, two men approached him and struck up a conversation. Uh-oh.

They offered him a job in a local museum show. Something tells me museum shows putting a little shine on some shit. No, no, it's good. Museum show. He accepted before he even knew what the job was. Oh, all righty. By the time he asked what it was, arrangements had already been made, and it was too late for him to back out.

Hey, what's the job? You're in. The job he learned was to pose as the wild man of Borneo. Oh, here you go. When he arrived at the museum show, the two men stripped him from head to toe. They then covered him from head to toe in road tar. after that they applied an enormous amount of horsehair this gave him a savage and ferocious appearance

underneath as well what he was now the wild man of Borneo so he looks like this the wild man of Borneo he looks like this giant hairy weirdo do I get to is there going to be context to what the wild man of Borneo is supposed to be a day when you just bring out like there he is the wild man of Bono so this was just like some weird little freak show where they yeah they had these all over the country then. And what is he supposed to be? Like a wear man

almost? Kind of, yeah, he's like a wild man. He's like a, he's like a big footage. Yeah, like a, hey, look in Borneo, this is what people look like and everyone's like, wow, I'm glad I don't have a television and read books. Glad we didn't go there. The men are made of horsehair. So, he was then

handcuffed, chained, he was then handcuffed, chained, and locked in a heavy cage. What? A sign was placed outside the tent to announce his present and the amount for the ticket. Large numbers of people paid a dime each to gaze upon the wild man recently captured in the jungles of Borneo and brought to San Francisco at enormous expense. And here his catchphrase is like, hey, free me, this is a trap and illegal.

And now you hold on. Oh, no. To add to the supposed realism, large chunks of raw meat were poked in between the bars by an attendant, and the wild man was forced to eat it ravenously. Okay. Occasionally growling, shaking the bars, and wildly yelping, oofty-goof-ty, oof-d-gofty, that's what they told them to say. Uffty-gofty.

I mean, oh my God, oof-to-gofty? Uffty-gofty. Mom and dad, I found a job. But, okay. Ufdy-gofty. I didn't know you spoke Borgian? I do. I do.

Uffi-Govty. Uf-T. I mean, it's a thing. time when they're just like a man from Borneo, either covered a horse hair, they say oofty-goof-ty, and they love their raw meat. But it is a job.

This is a job. Yeah, it's his job. He's not like trapped. Well, he's kind of trapped, isn't he? He is trapped? I don't, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like it's his job. You'll see. Spectators were told that the wild man of Borneo spoke 21 languages, but understood none of them. Yeah.

I mean, that's one of the reasons he says ufty-goofty, isn't it? needs a rewrite. No, I don't think so. Spectators are told that the Wild Men of Bordio spoke 21 language but understood none of them. How do they, how... Gably flirted you? Like that. I don't know what language that is. Okay. So they're non-langlicious?

You know what that was? I don't know how to communicate. I'm pretty sure that was Chinese. Oofty, goofty. Goofty, oofty. He performed this act in the Dye Museum show and was a huge success. But the act only lasted about a week when two Irishmen came in

and began poking him in the ribs. Now being of Irish heritage, I totally, totally get this. He finally yelled out something in English and that was that. He was like, fucking stop it! And they were like, whoa! Oh, look at him.

Hoefti, gofting! I told you, hofti! We would start talking there. The showful, the two men took off with all the cash and uffty goofety as he was forever known was stuck and covered in tar and hair I'm sorry he was he was covered in tar and hair

forever well he couldn't get it off okay he became ill because he was unable to perspire through his thick covering of tar and hair so like his toxic shit is backing up in him he can't secrete he can't secrete yeah doctors at a hospital tried in vain for several days to remove the tar and hair,

finally dousing him with a tar solvent and laying him in the sun on the roof of the hospital in order to soften and remove the foul mixture. Ufti-Govty-Govty-Govty-Govty-Govty-Govty. You can stop saying that. Ufti-Grifty. Ufti-Govty then got a job as a mascot for a baseball team. Wait, so did they get that? The tar off?

Yeah. Okay. But he's still, maybe he wants to roll the dice a little bit more, maybe. Well, now he's calling himself Ufti. Goofty-Govty. He got a job as a mascot for a baseball team. It's so great that it's Uft, it's just such a great made-up language thing. Just say Ufti, gofte.

Shut up. It was not the best contract, though, for the baseball team. If the team won. he would receive $20. Oh, boy. But if the team lost, they would get to beat the shit out of him. What?

Which they did for the first two days of the job, because they lost. Quote, they nearly beat the life out of me and then made me walk home. So Ufti Gufti quit. Ufti Qutti. Ufty was then arrested.

Ufty. Ufdi was then arrested for deserting the army and was sentenced to three years hard labor. Oh, no. He tried to fake fits while in prison, hoping they would throw him out. But doctors discovered that he was faking his fits. Then one day, while doing work at the prison, he fell some distance, was injured, and was then released from jail. These are the days.

These are the good old day. Ufti, goofty. Ufti. Ufti. Ufti. Ufty, goofty. That's exactly right. All right.

Perfect. Ufty then made his way back to San Francisco and turned to the theater. sort of. He secured a spot at a local beer hall. His job was to drink six beers with a teaspoon in 10 minutes while smoking a cigar. Oh, my God. Can he read? Could he read?

Could he try to just? It's a man making his way. Maybe working a newspaper. He knows what he's capable of, and he goes after it. Sell some sort of product. The patients did not enjoy the show, and he was flung onto the street onto the hard rocks. What might have otherwise been a humiliating and painful experience, experience actually worked in Uffti's favor.

It showed him the direction in which his career would then turn. Despite being kicked ferociously in landing heavily upon a stone sidewalk, he discovered that he felt no physical pain. For the next several years, he exploited this newfound talent by touring the city and allowing himself to be kicked and battered by all who chose to pay a price that depended upon the grief of brutality they wanted to inflict. Oh, poor Ufti. Poor little ufts.

For instance, for 10 cents, Uffty-Goofdy-Goo-Doofdy would allow a man to kick him. Uffty-Goo-T-Goo-Tee would allow a man to kick him, is what you just said. Yes. Okay. It would allow him to kick him as hard as he pleased. For a quarter, he would take a beating with a walking stick.

For 50 cents. I can't wait. For 50 cents, Ufty-goof-ty. would become the willing recipient of a blow with a baseball bat, which he always carried with him. Use mine. I mean, is there 75 cents? No, that's all that's all that.

Okay, okay. For 75 cents, you could murder oofty-goofty. It was his custom to approach groups of men in the streets and in bar rooms and inquire, Hit me with a bat for four bits, gents. Only four bits to hit me with his bat, gents. I'm good, thanks. I've got the money you need, friend, right here. Turn around.

In 1981, heavyweight boxer John L. Sullivan was in the city to fight Patty Ryan. Sullivan was the heavyweight champion of the world. He probably knocked out 200 men in his lifetime. He could carry a keg of beer up six flights of stairs and then drink most of it. He looked like a side of beef, usually well-marinated, and whiskey. Sloons were his home, and he always entered in style. my name is John L. Sullivan and I can lick any SOB in the house

that he would shake hands all around. Ufti invited Sullivan to come down and hit him as hard as he could with a billiard cue. Excuse me, friend. My name's Ufti Goofti. You can call me Ufti. I'd like to hit me really hard with this.

There you go. Sullivan did, fracturing three vertebrae. Jesus. even still Uffty turned around and laughed at Sullivan Ufftie finally called the day When the internal bleeding became too much Yeah with the beat the crap out of me act The blow from Sullivan caused Uffi to walk with a limp for the rest of his life

And he was no longer immune to pain flinching at the slightest touch So he went the opposite way now Now he's like Oh no no no no no Oovni Cofty Oofty Now Ufdy attempted to push a wheelbarrow from San Francisco to New York

Because of a bet Who bet him? Doofty Moofty Who bet him? Here's who bet him Some guy who's like How do we get rid of this motherfucker? Hey, Oofty

I will bet you $250 I'll take it That you cannot push this wheelbarrow To New York City I can do dummy Okay so When you get there I'll just pay you all be there

All right Uffty out He made it 40 miles. Oh, really close. When he fell over in the dark and landed in a creek. Oh, Jesus, Uffty. Uffty continued his career trajectory.

He performed as a human skittal in Woodward's Garden, where patrons win a cigar if they hit him with a baseball. Wasn't he just out of the pain game? I don't know. He was like, that's it. I'm done wheelbarrowing. Back to do your thing. You guys want to hit me with a baseball really hard?

No. He also performed along with a plus-size actress. of sorts who went by the name of Big Bertha and his Shakespearean spoof dubbed Borneo and Juliet. Wow, so there was even hack shit back then. He performed in the character as the Wild Men of Borneo, though

the storyline followed the original script to a large degree. So that's a really interesting I would pay to see that thing. Oh my God. Why'd you say that? It's all I want. For $20, he allowed himself to be shipped

in a box to Sacramento as a joke gift for a young lady. This guy's such low self-esteem. Just no, but does anyone ever hug him? Ufti, it's okay, bud. Ufti. A feat made even more harrowing by the fact that they left him upside down in the unopened package in a warehouse over the weekend.

What? Uffty-goof-ty sat in a... Upside down in a box. Oh, yeah. For 20 bucks. It was an ordeal that didn't seem to lessen his bravado, although he later admitted he was pretty near played out that time. Ah, is a tough one.

Even for Ufti. Even for Ufty. Upti can say Ufdy no likey. Ufty didn't like that. No goofie about that one. No goofie about that one, Ufti. Ufdy Goofty was then invited to Texas by Mr. Holland. Oh, no.

While entertaining some man at a private party, he was asked if he could eat 30 quail in 30 hours. 30 quails? That's when Ufti said. this was my first quail eating contest. That was the hardest experience of my life, but I consider myself the champion quail eater of the United States. That was the hardest, not getting hit by a bat.

No. Or being covered in tar and hair and put in a cage for a week. Yeah, and have to have chemicals burn it off while you're on a roof, like a fucking... In the sun. Yeah. In Texas, Ufti traveled from one oil field to the next, where he would entertain drunken workers by racing to drink. beer with a bar spoon and engaging in quail eating contest, which were all the rage at the time.

Whale eating contest. After his spoon and quail career came to an end, he met an imitation diamond merchant. He became an imitation diamond merchant, walking around with a suitcase full of fake diamonds selling them to blokes. It's not known what happened to Ufdi after he was interviewed by the Houston Daily Post on August 9th, 1900. I actually found the newspaper and read the... newspaper from 1900. And? It's crazy.

Most of that is from his interview where he's saying what his life has been like. Ufti-gofti-ofti. Ufti-Ufti-Ufti. I mean, I just can't believe there was a time when I didn't know about Ufti-Goofti. It was a dark time in your life. Ufti-Goofti.

How do you feel? I feel like I wish I wish I could have seen the Borneo Man show. The Wild Man of Borneo Oh my God I think you said I mean to see Just right now

If we could just go And just walk through this little weird museum Only to see him be like Ufty Goofty Ufty Goofty Ufty just to be like That's gonna be your name Yeah

People poke him with sticks And throw fucking meat at it Putting red meat and eat it Until two Irishmen did it He goes All right a fuck enough Stop it stop it stop Oh I told you

And that's what did it too It wasn't the fact that he was dying from tar poisoning through his pores. He was like, these Irish guys were kind of pricks. Right. He couldn't take the Irishman. Anyway, that's our small-up. The story of Ufti-Goofti. Do you feel good about yourself?

I feel Ufti-Goofti. Your life is going well. Yeah, no. I like you saying, I can't feel pain. Oh, I can. I can. Real bad pain. I can really...

Wow. I think I might live forever. Holy God, he is strong. I was not feeling pain, but I got to tell you, when you break my vertebrae, I actually, that's where the nerves are. I think that's my threshold. This is when my vertebrae crack. Yep. Yep.

I think there's nerves in there. He's good. I am not doing well. You know what? Put me in a box. Ship me to Glattice. Put me in a box for the weekend, upside down. That'll help my posture, right?

Boys, I'm heading to New York with this wheelbarrow. Hey, it was great to meet everyone, but unfortunately the wheelbarrow game and came and calling. Off I go on my barrel mark. Upti-goof-ty out And then 40 minutes later he's like Hey, I'm not going to do that shit Fuck that game I lost that bet, huh?

Who got a spoon? Who's got a spoon? Who wants to punch Uffty-Goo-Goo-T in his nuts? For a cigarette Who's gonna put a bottle rock in my ass? Ufti's here. Come on, someone can pull my heart out for $2. Uffty-Goofti time.

Pop my eyes out with a spoon, I'm here. Never been hugged. Never been hugged over here. Nobody loves Ufti. Raised in Germany, kind of tough. Raised in Germany. Sto wait a lot of times. Goofty's the name.

Uffty's the game. Uffty, Uffty, Uffty, Uffty, goofty, goofty. All right. All right, David. That's our first mullup. Congratulations. That's what happens. Hey, Dullop fans.

I know you love the Dallop. You love listening to the Dallup. Do you want to watch the Dallop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary. It's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five-partner animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that's stuff the better chance we have of making a lot more of them we're already making a second one so go there and watch the rube