The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - The Death of George Washington

Episode Date: July 29, 2015

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the death of the first president (actually 8th) George Washington SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH 

The Dallup will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22nd. Then on the 23rd will be in Syracuse. Then on March 24th, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th will be in Bridgeport and 26th, the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, will be in Philadelphia.

And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C., at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com slash tour for tickets. You're listening to The Dollop. This is a podcast that happens twice a week.

I read a story from American history to my friend Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is about. What do we say? I don't know. How do you say twice a week? Double week. Nope.

Why is it? So. We'll figure it out. All right. God, you want to look here to do? I'll do one bum. People say this is funny? Not Gary, Gerew.

Steve, okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not going to become the tickling podcast. Okay. You are Queen Faky of Made Uptown. All hail, Queen, shit. of Liseville.

A bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do what? I pray. Hi, Gary. No, I see that, my friend. No. December 12, 1799. All right. President George Washington, 30 months into his retirement, now 68 years old,

rode his horse during a heavy snowstorm to inspect his plantation at Mount Vernon. Okay. That's his home for people who don't know. Okay. The temperature was 30 degrees Fahrenheit. All right. He was outside from 10 in the morning until 3 p.m. He was late for dinner and because he was proud of always being on time, he stayed in his damp clothes throughout the meal.

Okay. This is just something that they weirdos did back then. This is a classic weird old people thing. I mean, insane. It's fucking nuts. Just go change your fucking clothes. No one cares if you're late. You don't accidentally join the polar bear club on land.

I am not going to be late for this here meal. You're wet. You're a walking icicle. No, I don't want to be rude. I don't. Rather die. Rather sit here and perish. Rather die.

Well, the next morning, Washington said he had a sore throat. Yeah, yes, he did. Yes, he did. Because he fell in ice on land. But he still got on his horse and went back out into the snowstorm, to mark trees he wanted cut down on the property. When he came back into his home, he sounded a bit hoarse. Oh, boy.

This is the first president of our country. Actually, he's more like the sixth, but we don't talk about the first five. Well, okay, and at this point, had no teeth. Right. He was still in good spirits and read passages from the newspaper to his wife and his personal secretary, Colonel Lear. Okay, that's weird already. Well, I love that his personal secretary was a colonel. And named Lear while he's with his wife.

And he's like, nah. I don't think it was like a literal, Dave. Listen, I'll, I'm having fun, and I'm going to continue to have fun. Lear wanted Washington to take some medicine, but George was not down. Quote, you know I never take anything for a cold, let it go as it came. Classic Washington quotes. Yep. They talk about the cherry one, but they don't talk about that quote very much.

No. No, I wonder why. Late that night around 3 a.m., Washington awoke and told his wife that he felt quite ill. Yeah. Yes. He was having difficulty breathing and could barely speak. Martha wanted to walk to another building on Mount Vernon and wake up their maid, Caroline, to go get help. But George thought the cold air would make his wife sick.

Well, then what the fuck was he doing? So he knows? Well, she had just gotten over a cold. So what? He knew. He knows the cold makes you sick. And then he sits in his house and his wet clothes because he doesn't want to be late for the... And then he goes out the next day.

Yeah. Well, he's got stuff to do. He's going to die. I know that's what's about to happen. He's going to die. You don't know what's happening in this story. The title of this episode is called The Death of George Washington, by the way. Well, here we...

So he forbid her, his wife from going outside. He just sat in bed. No, no, no. Let me die instead. He just sat in bed suffering. I've got this, Martha. Martha, no, I don't want you to, even if you bundled up and didn't go out and went clothes, you might get a cold. Just forget about it.

I'll just die. Oh, that's pus coming out of me. When Caroline the maid came at sunrise, she found George in very bad shape. He was having severe respiratory distress. You want to, you just want to believe that he was a very smart person. Well, Steve Jobs could have, could be alive, but he tried a homeopathic cure for cancer. Don't get on the guy who made the iPods case. Caroline went to get Colonel Lear, who was then sent.

Who was already watching everything. Who, uh, who, uh, then sent for Albert Rollins, the estate overseer. Rollins then prepared a medical concoction consisting of molasses, vinegar, and butter. Okay. So he's giving him beer taffy? Yes. He's giving him beer taffy. I mean, apothecaries existed in like the 1600s.

Like, how the fuck is that? If you can't swallow, you get some molasses vinegar and butter, and you'd stir it all up and you'd take a chug. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Uh-huh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is the greatest combo on earth. Wait a minute. I think what we're talking about is vegemite. And he's about to drink that? Washington tried to swallow it, and he went into what is described as an episode of convulsive suffocation. Boy, that has got to be real crazy when you're like, here, give him this. And then he's like, like, worse right away. You're like, oh, well, Jesus.

I really thought the butter would work. I really thought that butter would break that molasses down better. Look, if I have a cold, if I'm having a really bad coughing attack or in a sore throat or whatever, I will just eat butter. Oh, man, nothing suits it like butter. That's why they have, I can't believe it's not butter throat spray. That's right. Yeah. So, then Washington decided that bloodletting would be the way to go.

Okay. Okay, so at what point is somebody who knows what a good option is going to come into the picture? Soon. Okay. Washington was a big believer in bloodletting. He had used it on his slaves many times with great success. He told Rollins to put a needle into his arm and take some blood, specifically a half a pint. So Rollins did, as was told.

Rollins was the one who performed the bloodletting a lot of the swaves as well, because he was the estate man. So he had a little bit of practice at this. Yeah, my guess is right now it's not going to help. Martha was opposed to bloodletting and pleaded that they not remove much blood. After the half pint was removed, a piece of flannel was dipped in Salve Latola and placed on his neck. I could not find anywhere what Salve Latola is. Well, I think we know what we're dealing with for the most part, so it was a terrible decision. Had to have been.

Then his feet were put in warm water. I mean, like, you know, not that that's a bad decision, but he's dying. We don't know that. He's just got a cold. He told me the title. Well, they don't know that yet. Messengers were sent to summon local doctors. Dr. James Crake, his personal physician for over 40 years, Dr. Gustavus Richard Brown, and Dr. Alicia Colin Dick.

The name is Colin Dick? Colin Dick C-U-L-E-N Dr. Cullen Dick? There's not a loophole that gets this person out of A little bit of a snicker I mean his name is Dr. Dick Already Colin Dick like he's calling for Dick

He is calling for Dick Hello, hey Is Dr. Colin Dick there? This is Colin Dick That's it, bye That's all you need to Oh my God, I can't wait until the phone is invented Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah. He's outside the window. Hello. That's what Prank calls used to be. When Dr. Craig arrived, he was alarmed at the condition of Washington. Craig quickly applied a painful, quote, blister of cantherides, better known as Spanish fly at the time. He applied them to Washington's neck.

This was a preparation of dried beetles. And the blisters raised by. this tonic stuff would supposedly draw out the deadly humors causing Washington's throat inflammation. What? What? What the, what? It's medicine. Okay.

Remember when I said they should get a doctor? Yeah, they go on. Don't get doctors. Don't get doctors. My God, he's dying. Put beetles on his throat. Hurry! It was a different time.

It was a different time. The application of the Beatles led to a spontaneous bowel evacuation. Jesus. I mean, this is the first president. They just put beetles on his neck and he shit his pants. Yeah. I mean, this is quite a day. This is a terrible day.

This is not good. This is a very bad, terrible day. God, he's, so far, they've poured molasses down his throat. They've taken a half a pint of blood out of him. They put blister beetles on his neck and he just shit the bed. He just shit them spoke. So now Craig then took more blood about 40 ounces. I mean, that's a lot.

He could sell an old English. Then he prepared a solution of vinegar in hot water and tried to get Washington gargle it, which doesn't sound that bad. I mean, vinegar and hot water, that could be something that I would say that might work. Maybe? Yeah. But this led to near suffocation and a bout of horrible coughing. Oh, my God.

So he took more blood. This is like, this is tough to hear. I feel like I'm watching this. So he took more blood, another 40 hours. Why is he taking more blood? Because it's helping. He's a fucking psycho. He might just be selling president blood.

Washington was still strong enough to walk about his bedroom for a bit and to sit upright in an easy chair for a few hours. His real challenge was breathing once he returned. to lying flat on his bed. Dr. Dick arrived at 3 p.m. and immediately removed 32 ounces of blood. Okay, all right. So, okay, now, are they, okay. Okay. Now, so they're just taking all of his blood out of his body.

Well, it's all helping. No, no, no, you know that that's not true. And so they're just taking a tremendous amount of blood out of his body. him. It's fine. It's not fine. It's not fine. It's hurting him. He needs blood. You don't know that? No, no, no. I know how bodies work. He needs blood. Well, maybe. No, for sure. No, for sure. Especially when he's sick, I would say that he should have a lot of his blood. When Dr. Brown arrived. Don't fucking tell me that he took any of his fucking blood. No, his name's Dr. Brown. Okay. He took Washington's pulse and decided it was best to give him an enema.

Oh my God. So Dr. Brown. Dr. Brown. Is the animal guy? I mean. That didn't have any effect. Brown then suggested

Calamel and Tartar for him to gargle, which would guarantee to make Washington vomit with a vengeance. What are, okay, are they, so they're trying to kill him. It's a contest to kill him?

He thought he would throw up the thing in his throat. What is there? thing in his throat. I think it's his throat. Yeah, it's nothing. It's an invented thing. They've invented a thing that's in his throat. He's just really sick and needs his blood. At this point, Washington started to get the feeling that this was all in vain. Well, I mean, literally, they're just taking his blood from his veins. Well, they're giving him medicine, too. No, they're not. They're not giving him medicine. Up his hoo-hole from Dr. Brown. He just, he already shit. He just shit the bed.

Dr. Brown comes in, he's like, let's get him to shit the bed again. The butter and molasses. Oh, I just took all of his blood. Hmm, maybe I'll just get him to shit the bed. Let's put ketchup in his asshole. Okay, everyone, I've got a good idea. Let's put ketchup in the president's asshole. He called Colonel Lear over...

Here, put a cigar out on his eye. Everyone treat him like an ashtray. We'll help him. Come on, guys. Come on here and kick him in the head. Kick his head really hard, guys. He called Stab his dick

Everyone take one of these Letter openers And stab his prick with them There we go There I think he'll get better He called Colonel Lear over And gave his death instructions Was it let the doctors continue

Quote I find I am going My breath cannot last long I believed from the first That the disorder would prove fatal Do you arrange and record all my late military letters and papers? Arrange my accounts and settle my books, as you know more about them than anyone else. Let Mr. Rollins finish recording my other letter, which he has begun.

When Dr. Craig came back into the room, Washington told him he was dying. He then told all three doctors, I feel myself going. I thank you for your attentions, but I pray you take No more troubles about me. Let me go off quietly. I cannot last long. He then thanked the three doctors for their efforts. That last part's insane.

I mean, literally, if he hadn't called the doctors, he probably would have been okay. They're helping. No, they're not. I mean, I remember when the Beatles on the neck was crazy? That was just nothing. That's before Dr. Brown came to make Browntown. The three doctors remained by his bedside throughout the night.

At 8 p.m., ignoring Washington, his request. What? No. Dave. Dave. Dave. What? He was very clear. He was probably just being polite. No, no, I'm dying. You go, everyone. Go. They applied blisters of the dead beetle stuff to his arms and legs and a soft wet mass of wheat bran to his throat and kept it in place with a wet cloth. I just, I swear to God they can't take any more of his blood. Well, that's a pretty picture right there, just covered in beetles.

Yeah. And a wheat, wet wheat mass on his neck. He may as well be six feet underground while this is happening. Washington is going out in glory. Yeah, he's, I mean, covered in beetles. It's like he's having a bad acid trip. As his breathing became worse, Dr. Dick proposed that his trachea be perforated. Like, I mean, honestly, it, it's.

pop a hole in that bitch. It's like a rash that just stop scratching and it might get better soon. Instead, they're like, we need to just keep, we put sandpaper on the rash. Try to sandpaper it off. Recently. They're going to put a hole in his throat? Well, recently this operation had saved lives, but Dr. Craig and Dr. Brown did not allow Dr. Dick to cut a hole in Washington's throat, even though Dr. Dick said he would assume

all responsibility. Listen, never let Dr. Dick cut a hole. Trust me. Washington then told Colonel Lear, I am just going. Have me decently buried, and do not let my body be put into the vault less than three days after I am dead.

Do you understand me? Tis well, he replied. Washington said this, because at the time there were concerns about burying someone who was not actually dead. Many people at the time knew of cases in which a seemingly dead person came back to life. The Washington's new woman who had heard a story told to her by an older gentleman in the summer of 1790.

He had suffered an illness when he was 20, and on the ninth day of his illness, he died. His family and the doctor were convinced that he was dead, but his mother would not allow him to be prepared for burial. They gave him to her wishes and allowed the dead man to remain on the bed for a while. The body was there, quote, the residue of the afternoon, the ensuing evening, and through the whole of the long winter night until the ensuing morning, the body continued an undoubted corpse, then low to the astonishment of everyone who waited the event

with a gentle sigh, the heart-sickened man, once more opened his eyes upon the fleeting scenes of time. So Washington didn't want... Because of that rumor? Well, they thought that people were getting buried too early, so he was like... That kid was 20. He also hadn't been, all his blood had been taken out.

This guy's 77, as I said, is the only thing they said no to was cutting a hole in his throat. Right. Now he's like beetle juice. He's just a fucking mess. He literally is beetle juice. He's covered in beetles and he's leaking. His breathing became less labored around 10 p.m. 10 minutes later, he checked his own pulse and then died.

At the foot of his bed, Martha said, is he gone? Tis well. All is now over. I shall soon follow him. I have no more trials to pass. through. The cause of Washington's death has been debated ever since. I know what it was. J.A. Nedger believes the president died of diphtheria. Walter Wells explained that he died of acute inflammatory edema of the larynx due to a virulent microorganism, probably streplococcus. Yeah, but he didn't die from strep. Today, this is a common-held belief of what killed Washington,

although recent arguments pushed the idea of acute bacterial epiglitis, which can rapidly obstruct the respiratory passage and cause a suffocating death. Then there was the blood removal. The estimate of the amount of blood taken from Washington by medical authorities is between five to seven pints. Oh my God. Six weeks after his death, Dr. James Brickle wrote a article vehemently disagreeing with the bloodletting treatment. He estimated the amount of blood removed to be 82 ounces and deplored the lack of medical wisdom of this decision. Quote, I think it my duty to point out what appears to me a most fatal error in their plan.

Old people cannot bear bleeding as well as the young. We see that they drew from a man in his 69th year of his age the enormous quantity of 82 ounces or above two quarts and a half of blood in 13 hours. I mean, that is insane. Very few. He was sick. Very few. He was already sick. Hey, man, it worked on some of the slaves in the plantation.

Very few of the most robust young men in the world could survive such a loss of blood, but the body of an age person must be so exhausted and all his power so weakened by it as to make his death speedy and inevitable. And yet, Dr. Brichel was not completely against bloodletting. He just thought it should have been done. closer to the sight of the inflamed body part and less bud, blood should have been taken.

Like that matters. Quote, to have attacked the disease as near its seat as possible, the vein under the tongue might have been opened, the tonsils might have been sacrificed, this garificator and cup might have been applied on or near

the thyroid college. So what he's saying, instead of taking the blood from the arm, they should have gone right to the head. His tongue. Yeah, just taking it right from underneath the tongue. Oh, my God. I mean...

So that guy's talking sense. I mean, it says a lot when you're like, Dr. Brown, can you come over instead? Okay, so the total amount of blood actually taken from Washington was 126 ounces or 3.75 liters, taken over a period of 9 to 10 hours on Saturday, December 14th, 1799. I mean, that's all of his blood. Washington was 6 foot 3 inches tall and weighed 230 pounds. Adult blood volume is 70 milliliters per kilogram, so estimated blood volume of Washington would be. be seven liters.

This means they removed more than half of his blood. They took half of his blood. This led to paternal anemia, hypovolemia, and hypotension. They took half of his blood. The fact that he stopped struggling that evening and appeared calm just before he died was probably due to shock because they took half of his blood. Because half of his blood was gone. Now,

another doctor came wait William Thornton sorry sorry sorry this is he's dead William Thornton was a physician trained at the best medical schools in Europe he also designed the library

company of Philadelphia and the US capital so he was a man who ran in top circles and he was close friends with George Washington when Washington was sick someone at Mount Vernon asked Thornton to come to see if he could help he immediately took off in hope of getting there in time to perform a tracheotomy. Interesting.

But he arrived the morning after Washington died. Quote, my feelings at that moment I cannot express. I was overwhelmed with the loss of the best friend I had on earth. The weather, as stated, was very cold and Washington's corpse was basically frozen for several days.

So, Thornton had an idea. Blood transfusion. Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. What are you fucking doing right now? This was not new. The first successful blood transfusion recorded... How long has he been dead? Days? Yeah.

No, it's overnight, I think. He's dead. The first successful blood transfusion recorded was done by an English doctor named Richard Lauer in 1665. He bled a dog almost to death and then brought it back to life by transfusing blood from another dog through a tight artery. So that guy was cool.

Yeah, that guy was cool, the dogs. In 1667, the physician, to King Lewis the 14th, Jean Bapti Deney performed an animal to human blood transfusion. He took the blood from a sheep and put it into a 15-year-old boy who survived. Who became lamb boy.

Da-da-da-da-da. With the ability to grow hair faster than an average human or sheep. He would have no powers at all. Yeah, no, he'd be like, is kryptonite, is a fence. you know if you let a sheep's if you don't shear a sheep's

yeah they go it eventually will die really? Yeah it's a really bad animal Jesus They Dr. Deney later did the same thing to a laborer A gentleman

Blood transfusions were soon outlawed In many European countries Because of failed attempts In America in 1795 Just four years before Washington's death A doctor Philip Fycec performed a blood transfusion on an obstetric patient. He did not publish his results and there is no detailed account of the procedure.

This is apparently the only blood transfusion he performed. Even though he did not publish the account, Thornton also practiced medicine for a time in Philadelphia and may have known about the procedure. Both doctors also attended the same medical school. Oh boy. This is what Thornton proposed in his own words. Oh boy. And he said this to Martha Washington.

who'd just gotten over the death of George. The weather was very cold, and he, Washington, remained in a frozen state for several days. I proposed to attempt his restoration in the following manner. First to thaw him in cold water, then lay him in blankets, and by degrees and by friction, to give him warmth, and to put into activity the minute blood vessels at the same time to open a passage to the lungs by the trachea, and to inflate them with air to produce an artificial respiration and to transfuse blood into him from a lamb.

So what he wanted to do was take George's corpse. You've been dead for a few days freezing up there and the bed because he remember he didn't want to be buried for three days. So he'd been there for a couple days. So he wanted to take the president's body over by the fire, rub it. Yeah, thorn like a caveman.

Rub it warm. Rub it warm. Then poke a hole in the neck. Yeah. And then fill him with lamb. And then fill him with lamb blood. Yep. Any questions about what I want to do to the founding president? If these more means had been resorted to and had failed, all that could be done would have been done.

But I was not seconded in this proposal, for it was deemed unavailing. I reasoned thus. He died by the loss of blood and the want of air. Restore these with the heat that had been subsequently deducted. And as the organization was in every respect perfect, there was no doubt in my mind that his restoration was possible. So it's simple math. The man died from a lack of blood and he couldn't breathe and he's cold.

So warm that fucker up, pop a hole in his neck, get some blood in that bitch. Yeah, but it doesn't work if someone's dead. And he will just sit up and go, hello, mate. Hey, never better. Washington is back. I'm back. Brains. So, he just wanted to bring Washington back from the dead.

She better to say no. Martha and the rest of Washington's family passed on the terrific idea. Thornton was not happy. He didn't get a shot at it. 20 years later... 20 years later, he wrote, whether if it were possible, it would be right to attempt to recall to life,

one who had departed full of honor and renounce. free from the frailties of age in the full enjoyment of every faculty and eternity and for eternity. So that didn't happen, but that would have been awesome if it had. Yeah, that would have been really cool to fill him with lamb blood while he was dead and frozen. So Washington's death was fucking horrific. Are you sure? What happened? Yeah, terrible.

They just drained him. no one in America gets out okay well I mean what the fuck you would think that he would have access to like smart doctors and there wasn't a smart doctor in the bunch

even the last one well the one guy wanted to do a tracheotomy that might have helped okay him but I'm sure that at some point he made him either shit his pants or like you know put beetles in his ears I don't know yeah I do know

I just heard about it fucking unbelievable. Anyway, that's your... Yeah. Very first president. Yep. There he is. Curious how he died? Okay.

Yep. He died because doctors took all of his blood. Merry Christmas. Yep. Oh, hello there, dollheads. It's Gareth Reynolds. I want you to join the Air Force and come and see me do stand up on the road. I will be in Spokane, Washington, February 4th.

I will be in Bend, Oregon, February 5th, Portland, the 6th, and the 7th. Then I will be in Bakersfield, California, February 27th for two shows. And then, oh, boy, April, here we go. April 19th, I'll be in Albuquerque, Tulsa on April 21st, Oklahoma City, April 22nd. Dallas, April 23rd. Going to try to see a viral chiropractor that day, but that's neither here nor there. I'll be in Tyler, Texas, April 24th.

I didn't even know that. I'll be in Houston, April 25th for two shows. I'll be in Austin at Cap City on the 26th. And then the 28th, I will be rounding it out in San Antonio at LOL. Oh, my gosh, and I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. That's rounding it out. Go to garethrenolds.com for tickets and information. Also prizes. We're giving away a bunch of trucks and stuff over there. If you just log on and legally, that's not binding.

But go to garethrethrenalds.com. Love you.