The Downbeat - Ed Gamble (Live Episode @ Signature Brew)

Episode Date: January 29, 2022

A delicious little episode with comedian Ed Gamble, recorded LIVE from Signature Brew in London.

Hello, it's me. Resident, dumb, dumb, idiot man. Fresh, not even fresh, this was a couple of weeks ago, but still, fresh off the back of the live podcast, which we did at Signature Brew in, uh, is it in? I was going to name the area of London, but I was going to get it wrong. Somewhere in London, East London, cool person sneaker part of London.

Um, and it was a fantastic, fantastic evening as you're about to hear. Before I want to go any further, I just want to say thank you to everyone that came, bought a ticket, came and said hello at the merch booth afterwards. It was honestly like one of the most amazing nights ever. Can't wait to do it again.

Genuinely humbled, like, just, you know, I love doing the podcast and this felt like the next step and I want to say massive thank you to everyone involved. But before I talk about that, let's talk about how you might have already heard, heard this or you might have had tickets early to go to this stupid thing and get drunk or not drunk with your friends because you're on the patreon.com for such a downby. It's only one pound and it sort of keeps me alive basically. So if you're not paying me a pound, then we can assume

you wish me dead. Okay, that's that out of the way. Also, there's a little, it's a little exclusive for the podcast. Patreon people have already had it. But if you go to www.com, the downb-e.a-t so it's as down-beat. And you put in all caps, the password, wizard, you shall not pass. You can get in early on some merchandise, which is a clothing brand or is it merchandise for the podcast? I don't know. I've blurred the lines and it annoys me, basically.

I've basically created two brands in one name. It's annoying, a bit confusing for everyone. So other than that, yeah, we can start talking about it. My guest this week, so we did the live podcast. The guest is Ed Gamble. You know that because you can see it on your phone or whatever, the little screen. He is a professional comedian about to embark his electric tour, actually, embark on his electric tour.

You can check out dates for that on Ed Gamble.com. Do not put dot com for God's sake. It's dot co. at UK. He's a very, as you'll see, it was, you know, I, I explain it a bit on the podcast, but it was a home run for me really because everyone that went to the podcast knows I'm an unprofessional little idiot and anyone that didn't know who I was, they've actually just paid to see a professional comedian, which is what Ed Gamble is. So it's really, win-win for me, if I'm honest with you, I'd like to do it again, but I don't know what sort of guest I could get.

they would be quite as effortless as Ed Gamble. I'm pretty sure I can't remember because I drank, we had a lovely stout on the evening, a downbeat Biscoff stout that I brewed, with my own fucking goddamn hands at signature brew. And I drank, it was 6.5%. I drank two of those before the podcast and two during, plus an old-fashioned.

So towards the end of the podcast, I get pretty, pretty drunk and pretty loose-lipped. There's a couple of cameos from the crowd I'm not sure how the microphones turned out. Hopefully they're pretty good. Cameo from Lee Gill of the movie Joker fame plays Gary and after that we had a little

chat about him possibly come in on the podcast. So yeah, enjoy it. I hope it's good. If you don't enjoy it it, then listen to a different episode because it would be better. Check out Gamble out on his tour, Electric dates from gamble.com.com. He's also got a podcast called Off Menu.

He's probably heard of it because it's much bigger than this one. very easy guest to have it's Ed Gamble on the Downbeat podcast This is nice Took it over immediately Okay what now Well you said biggest podcast in the UK

And half of them are expecting Rob Beckett I mean The podcast charts Look at that Just like two old pros The podcast I don't know how to hold this though

Is this good? Yeah you know You're very pronounced with it Yeah look you put me in a relaxed chair I'm going to relax just you wait I've been told there's a secret under the cloth which is not what you want when you turn up to do something

for someone to go there's a secret under the cloth it's a little present these chairs are hard to get a comfy well no they're too comfy I would say how am I going to talk for two hours about this how do you do what I just tried to do I wouldn't do it like that for a kickoff

no you said before you went I'm going to go and do some stories do some jokes and stuff and you said, can you give me some notes when you come on? I want the notes. You want the notes? I want the brutal, harsh notes in front of all these people. They're not brutal and harsh, I would say. You're very natural on stage.

I do want your notes to be semi-fuzzy. They have paid money. No, I'm giving you the true notes. Okay, true notes and then funny notes? Yeah, sure. I mean, the true notes are also hilarious. Thank you. No, you are very natural on stage,

and you're very good with the audience. when someone chipped in, you could throw something back at them, and it was very quick and very natural, and I enjoyed that. I enjoyed the Starbucks story. If you're thinking on a commercial stand-up level, what's going to work in the clubs? The stump-fucking will not fly.

Stump-fucking's the bar? Look, stump fuck... I'm willing to admit that tonight here, at the Downbeat Live, stump-fucking did the best out of all of your stuff. And strap in, because now I'm giving you notes. That says more about the audio. assemble here tonight that it does about the material. I would say also that when you started

and you went into that routine about Americans not being able to say Craig, which I enjoyed. I was like, there's a nice premise here, how's he going to unpack it? At a normal stand-up night, half the audience wouldn't just start going, Craig! Craig! This is not a comedy audience, this is your audience, and you deserve them. I feel like I was going somewhere else.

This is like I've done stand-up at download, before. This is a fucking rock audience, right? And you didn't do stump fucking? No, I didn't do... If I'd done stump fucking would tear the roof off that tent to download. Can I sell you my stump fucking? Is that

a thing? Well, I can't believe Stumpfucking's the bar. Serious. I just can't... If you went to like an open mic night where things are difficult anyway, the audience is sort of sparse and hard, if you went to stump fucking, it might send both of them out the room.

see what you did there see I see that as a challenge and I think that's a bit no I can't you but if stump fucking's the bar the rest of it's gone

what from stump fucking onwards yeah yeah I'd say you want to have a little look at stump fucking onwards that's almost the whole thing okay if you saw that and you happen to film it see me afterwards and delete it

yeah we can we come to sort of financial arrangement. I thought Stump fucking was PG. You can put on the fucking TV these days. Man was Stumpfucked today. You cannot put a stump fucking routine on TV. Have you ever seen the TV?

Do you know what? I'm in an aerial for like five years. I just assumed it was at Stump fucking by now. Basically, the day you lost the aerial was the day they cancelled Stumpfucking on TV. You can't even kiss a stump these days on TV. Yeah, there's a whole union.

Exactly. The stump union. We're talking about heads here. A head, a neck. I wouldn't ever want to offend someone that lives, you know, the whole point was the head is gone. If you are a person without a fucking head and you're offended,

fucking fair play. You don't have anything to make the electrons work for offence. You've done that very well. That was your logic when you were writing the stump. fucking bit, you were like, well, the thing is, people will only be offended if they have a stump and I fuck it. Head stump?

I know what you mean. Yeah. But I don't think it's... So I'm good. How dare you? I'm a head divorced from its body. I think it just... So why is stump fucking not allowed then?

Well, it's... Things aren't only shocking because they've directly happened to someone. If you, if you walked into a room and you saw someone fucking a stump... Listen. You wouldn't go, oh, that's upsetting because it happened to me. You'd just go,

there's a man pushing his hard dick into a dead person's neck. Took it further than me, yet says I can't have it. I think he wants, me thinks he wants the joke. No, seriously,

can I not do the stump fuck? Because if anything, it's not like it happens every day or as we'd all be hearing about it. And if anyone in the crowd visualises it so much that it makes them sick or something, Yeah.

That's your imagination that's twisted. They've still been sick. It doesn't matter why they've been sick. I would say that's still not a good gig. If someone in the audience is sick because of something you've said, regardless of whose fault is. Yeah, if it's slip not yet. If you're going for the slip knot of stand-up, then you're going to nail it.

Yep. I don't have to say anything. That's exactly what I'm going for. Great. Great. Well, then you nailed it. All I need to do is just make sure exactly everyone in the room is my friend. Yeah, that definitely helps.

But I think that helps. And then also tonight, it maybe didn't help now and again. When you're trying to do, like, a routine about Starbucks, they're like, talk about the stump fucking. So interesting. Felt like they were here for the stump fucking today. And I go where the chart goes. Right?

And the chart for me, if I'd have come off after the stump fuck, I'd have been like, I'm the stump fuck guy. Interestingly, when you got towards the sort of more pedophilic elements of the set, if I may, I felt like there were people dropping off. I know. And you would think that would put me off that bit. I thought the, so I googled it, joke, was really good. I thought that was a good end.

Thank you. Because obviously you didn't Google that, but imagine someone accidentally Googling that, right? They all stared at you. and I heard someone go, What? And you know what? That was my favorite part of the whole thing.

I think I'm just twisted. Someone did it. And someone, I said it and someone went, what? And I went, Oh. Yeah, that's what I want.

I didn't really do that, but that was too far even for you. And you buy my clothes with pentagrams and all sorts of evil shit on. I've out-eviled you. I thought you were the evil people. They're not.

You're the most evil one in the room. And again, I just want more evil. Nothing happens. So that's your point. I enjoyed it. You don't seem happy with that. No, they did.

Of course they did. You enjoyed it, didn't you? I just got a, basically, I just got a, otherwise, what did you do? Come on saying, how do you, how? I actually want to get into this. How, seamless again, so it is in there. What I would also say is,

if you're making those transitions between bits of material, if you address the seamless transition, it does then cease to be seamless. Laugh that one up. Laugh that up. Laugh. Big laugh.

You got any idea who I got that from? Where you got that from? Who. Who? Oh, you stole it. Kind of. Great. So great start to your stand-up career, Craig.

Kind of. I stole it off someone I saw really recently. The most recent stand-up that I went to see. If you're talking about when you went to see me. Yes, that's exactly. where I start. I did it in a very artsful way

in my work in progress, yes. In your work in progress? Yeah. And then you deliberately, there was two stories that did not connect and then you said I'm not going to connect them.

What? I said I'm not going to connect them in any way. There's no link between the two. But later on, I'll figure out the link between the two. And at that point, the penny dropped in my head.

Also, it being funny where you say, I'm not going to connect them. I thought that's funny. It's exactly the joke I just made. Stole it. If anything, made it better.

Right? Then, I was like, oh my God. It's like, that's how they do it. There's a million jokes, and you figure out the fucking thing. I mean, that's the main bit of the job, to be honest. I just worked that out last night with my new show. It's going to get really geeky about comedy now. I did a work in progress last night,

and I sat down just for an hour before, just putting everything together and trying to work out the minimum amount of stuff I need to say between the two stories to link things together. But what you do as a professional is you are, raise the bit where you tell them. Yes, I don't then go... And those things don't link at all.

But you did that time I saw you. And honestly, that was eye-opening for me. I was like, that's how they fucking do it. All the clever people. Two jokes. I need one word from there that links to... One word from there.

Golden. Stump fucking to kid dick. And I did it well. You cannot take that away from me. Right. I'm going to do it every time now. I can't. I can't.

Every time I pat myself on the back for a seamless stitch, I'm now just going to announce it. So when did you start doing stand-up? See, that would have been a seamless link. I know, but I can't stop drawing attention to it. We were talking about stand-up, and then your question was specifically about stand-up. That would have worked ideally.

These people have bought merchandise. I feel like they need to know what's going on up here. They've seen behind the veil. But I could have done it. I'll try and do it. I won't tell you. But I am genuinely, genuinely curious about how. Were you just funny at school?

How do you get to being pro? Go on. It's an interesting interview style that you've got, and I like it. Very rarely will you be watching Parkinson, Norton, you know, some of the interview great. Same chairs? And they ask a question, pause, and then go,

go on. Wait, before you go on, could I have a pint, please? And could my friend Ed Gamble have a pint, please? I'd love a pint. What would you like a pint of? I'd love to try this god-awful shit there he's brewed up. Oh, I think we can get a free pint, mate.

Thank you, though. Thank you, though. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. What a guy, no. You can get it for us and then drink it yourself, because honestly, they will give it to us for free. Please.

Oh, hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't waste your money, sir. Can I get three points, please? And that man there, can get a pint as well. That's a great way to get a free fucking drink. That was a spin, that was.

Boom. I forgive him for the stump fucking now. He bought me a pint. I started stand-up comedy when I was... Seameless! When I was 19 years old and I was at university and I was already doing sketch comedy

and I thought I'd give it a go and I entered a competition and my first gig was a heat of a competition I then got through to the semi-final of that competition and I didn't think to do any gigs in between so the second gig was the semi-final of that competition and that semi-final was won by Kevin Bridges who is...

I've heard of him. Yeah, who is now doing some arenas. Classic. He thought to practice beforehand and he's younger than me and I saw him last night and he's also really nice which makes it even fucking more annoying. Was last night the first time you've seen him since? No, I've seen him a couple of times since but not very very...

But there's a rage. Yeah, yeah, there's a rage boiling away down there, but he is such a delightful man. So, no, I, yeah, I started doing stuff at uni. That's why I, it was great, because it was like doing gigs in front of your crowd because they're all pissed and they're all your mates. Thank you very much.

Stump fucking? Thank you. Stump fucking wasn't at you, it was at them. Thank you. So this is the, this is the... Don't try and derail my excellent question. I'm not looking at this, this is just, I'm naturally going into what's in front of us.

You've told them, Now that's the rule. Don't tell them. Which is the fucking rule? Tell them or don't tell them. Let me taste your beer and give you a professional opinion. Let me preface this. I'm not a brewer. But I did brew this.

With the help from Tim, shout out, Tim. Now, I also, I did some gigs here and I brewed my own beer. Oh, competition. Mine was a rhubub-crumbled sour, and it was called Let's Get Eddie to Crumbull. And when I told them that, they went, we're not really into pun names. And I was like, well, that's the only option we've got, unfortunately.

And it's lovely that we've come around here, and this is the Biscoth night. They must have gone, oh, for fuck's sake. We're never letting anyone brew another one again. No pushback when I did mine. They were quite up for it. Go on. On the nose, what have you got? It's heavily Biscoff on the nose.

And then slightly on the back of the palate, but not so much it. That's how fucking. right there. That's literally exactly it. That is so much nicer than I thought it was going to be. Literally that. Bisk off on the nose, on the end of it, could maybe do with a little bit of sweetness in the middle. No, I feel like quite often these stouts,

I'm going to get really boring now, quite often these like heavily flavoured stouts. They're too high ABV, which this one isn't. 6.5? Yeah, but some of them are like 10.5 and shit like that. It'll get you fucking a stump. Well, next time you do one here, you'd make the Stumpfucker. Stumpfucker double IPA. Someone write that down.

But no, I think that's delicious. It's refreshing for a stout. Isn't it? Yeah. Very chilled. Well done you. And it's made by a little company called Signature Brew. And they're really...

Cheers. They're really great. They let me sit here with these chairs. I've got two questions about you getting into stand-up. from what you said, which I'm genuinely curious about, and then we'll talk about these chairs a bit more. Okay, cool, great. You said you did sketch comedy first?

Yes. Is that, like, filmed? No, I mean, this was probably 2005 I started, so no one was really sort of filming stuff. Cameras weren't invented. 2005, the last one. It was all... Not 2005 BC.

YouTube was just all drawings. People would just hold up drawings to it. each other. Tablet cave paintings. Exactly, yeah. No, it was all live like sketch comedy

so you'd write like 30 or 40 sketches a show and act them out with your friends and put a lights down in when you didn't have a punchline and run off stage and do another one. It was quite painful, some of it.

That sounds good though. Because I originally I have in my phone like a notes folder of sketches. Yeah. They've just like things that I think of fuck me and that would be funny and then I just started writing them down

and I was like, fuck it. I think they're quite funny So it's funny because that's In my career as a stand-up comedian Which is about 40 minutes old You've seen all of it You've seen everything You've seen the whole thing

You've been here since the beginning But I started as a sketch comedy guy too In the note folder of my phone Made a comedian laugh like that as well Good belly laugh Promise I mean I don't know if anyone's seen a lot of my work But I'm not difficult to make laugh

I fucking honk me I love it but you've got a good technique for it Yeah because I've broken microphones before Begipa He got the pint, he got the pint Did you pay for that Can I get that man two pints please And I'll just pay for at the end

They're for you, you're drinking them This is going to be trouble actually I take all of this back Come on mate Come on thank you very much Don't you fucking dare spill that on me though Put the pints down Pines down

Pints down Thank you mate Cheers Everyone knows What's your name? My name is Sonny Like Sunny and Cher Yeah

I just thought I thought there was an accent No no no my name is Sunny What up sunny You go to the gym No I don't go to the gym But who'd do What'd you do?

What'd you do? Get on my back I'm gonna stump fuck I'm not getting you back I'm not getting you back I'm not going you back. No, this is the thing. This is the thing.

You're good. I love you. But you have to leave. You have to leave. I'm friends with the old Ryan Bills over there. You know him. Yeah. And there he is.

He's embarrassed. He's very embarrassed. He's very embarrassed. He's very embarrassed. Thank you. Thanks, Sunny. Can we get this man two of the low ABV beers, please? Just, come on.

Where were we? That fucked me up. I loved that. It was great. That sort of shit you do? Yeah, I mean, I would say generally the advice for stand-up is don't invite anyone on stage from the audience, because it will always go wrong, but I thought you handled that very well indeed. I'll be honest, I shit myself for a minute.

You can always tell when you're trying to sort of blockade a situation, when you grab someone and go, do you go to the gym? If you're thinking about being an angry weirdo, you seem really, you're big and how do you go to the handsome gym? Just called you a weirdo No I was doing his voice Sunny The cup just fell out of it Right me you and Sonny big fight right now Anyway

Of course he's gonna fucking win I just felt his arm he doesn't go to the gym A man was made of stone Um Alright you're a comedian Go on in Right here we go This is what I want

This is the proper interview style Um You're a comedian Go on then. Do you want to see what's under here? I've wanted to see what's under that fucking cloth since the moment I arrived. Okay, here's what happened.

I got here, and the lovely people at Signature Brew were like, what do you want on the stage? And I was like, a couple of chairs, kegs, you could put that sign there and everything. That'd be good. That's my sign. That's good.

They're fine. You let them know that was good, yeah. Yeah, you can leave that there. Don't worry about me than that. I actually, I came in, I said, seems a bit pointless if you're just brewing in here to have a big arrogant light and then they told me they do these things a lot

and I thought I was the first person here and then they said what else do you need and I said well a table doesn't plant taxidermy fish what the fuck you musicians and your riders this is it's like the brown Eminem thing isn't it you go you always ask for a taxidemi fish

and if they got that you don't need to worry about anything else Guess what? No joke attached to it either. Nothing. So hang on, was this... This was here when you arrived. You brought this with you? I brought that.

I know you brought that. Be weird if that was here. What about this? I wish I could just do a podcast with a professional comedian every day. No, I got here and they had some shit little fucking shit chairs, Dave. Weren't they?

I came in, I said, what the fuck is that chair doing? And then, no, I didn't. I came in and I think one of you had broken the chairs. And they were like, these chairs, I'm going to cut it, Craig, are they? And I said, they're not going to cut it, Dave. How about we go out and get some new chairs? So we went down, there's like a studio place that rents fishes. So they're mainly a fish business.

No, they're like a set designer thing and it's down the road. So we went down there and I went, I want that chair, Parkinson chair, want that chair, same Parkinson's chair, and then we're walking around. I said, do you have a massive Jesus so I can hang upside down? And they said, no. And I said, what else you got?

That is the closest thing to an upside-down Jesus. What we should have done, a couple of loaves of bread, and then turn the whole thing upside down. And it had been like a real deep, anti-religious message. What's the bread and fish is there in? upside down on the

Oh, nice poetry. It's really specific Satanism, isn't it? Turning parables upside down. In fact, that's now going to be my thing. Just make sure it says Snubberwau.

I'm trying to say Warburton's backwards. Yeah, that's a big leap to be honest. Snobble wow. Snubber well? That sounded right. laugh, we got pop, we're good. I haven't even actually looked at him. Or her, or they.

For someone who's just done stump fucking jokes, you're very keen about your pronouns. I am, listen. I don't want to be cancelled for pronoun-based stuff. But there's stump fucking. There's no way you could get cancelled for stump fucking. This is what I'm

saying, there's no stump heads left. I'm going back to the fish. No name tag someone asked me earlier what kind of fish it is is it really who's the fisherman story changed there I think it's a trout I ask him one more time he doesn't have an idea

trout is it yeah it's a fish I actually said hake but I was just because I find it funnier to say hake really pronounce it what you're saying mackerel

mackerel I don't fucking know I never seen one's full body before, have I? He's a fucking trap. Apparently, there's a very, very angry fisherman in the crowd. There you go. That trout guys doesn't have a fucking clue. You showed me a picture of is that a

trout? Yeah, hang on. I mean, it'd be weird if it was... That's pretty fucking trouty. It'd be weird if it was exactly the same one. Did it say what his name is? Is that the... Respect. Respect. Respect.

It's a brown trout. It's a brown trout. It's a brown trout. It's a brown trout. It's a brown trout. Brown trout. Anyway, now on my rider, one brown trout, upside down, two loaves, or with the ability to be placed upside down, with two loaves of bread, also with the ability to be placed upside down.

I'm going to blow your mind now, Craig. I think all loaves have the ability to be placed upside down. Imagine if you bought a loaf and you put it upside down, it just went, whoa. You have a food-based podcast. Yes. Never seen tiger bread before. Tiger bread can be placed.

upside down? Not stable. Of course. Yeah, but it's still upside down. It's not a fucking weble. If you put two loads of... Can we get...

No. You've already sent them out for other chairs. You can't go, now get me some tiger bread. Two loads of tiger bread upside down is not going to support a brown trout. It's basic rats.

Okay, so you're looking for bread that can be turned upside down and then support an upside-down brown trout. I need bread with Not only symmetrical sides, but enough tensile strength to hold... Brown bread for a brown trout. It does make sense. Yeah, I feel like if you turn that upside down,

there might be some other statement I don't want to make. Right. I want to make you some fucking racist statement on stage. I think you might be reading too much into that, to be honest. Well, you told me I couldn't do stump fucking. Oh, sorry. The bar, I don't know where the bar is. I thought stump fucking was fine.

the other bit, which I won't say because I probably deleted after the fucking podcast. I can't. See what you've done. See. What I'm saying is, is there a bad influence on you? The loony left censoring me.

No transition there. Got nothing. Got nothing. Got no transition now. What you've been doing? It's the best job in the world. Off menu. job in the world because it is not a fucking job is it podcasting it's yeah not at all it's just it's fun it's completely fun hey well no it's not we've just

told you it's not a job it's like a fucking he's like a sniper what do you what do you what do you work for for Sony oh whoa whoa whoa no booze no I'm just saying If I know anything about Sony... I'm not sure she's, like, in the Spider-Man department, mate. You can't... You can't start getting out of that. I'm really sorry if you're going to get the Spider-Man people on you. I don't know anything about Spider-Man,

but apparently nobody likes Sony. Something to do with that? No, they were good. Everyone trying to give me the answer. I fucking care. You're not a superhero guy? I hate them. I can't do it.

I can't do it. I can do back... Yeah, she looks fit when she dresses like Spider-Man. I don't fucking, oh, you look hot, let's bang and then watch the movie. I've got no problem with cosplay. Love it, big fan, huge fan. But like, for some weird reason, there's an actual, like, the only one that I give a fuck about is Batman,

and when... Batman getting a shout-out, like, he's not going to fuck you. There he comes. Doesn't exist. It's up there. And then, like, when I watch Batman Back, I'm like, it's a billionaire guy and his friends with loads of cops. Am I on this guy's side?

And then I watch it, I'm like, actually, I fucking love Bain. But then when it's like, oh, I got fucking bitten by a brown trout, and now I'm... And now I'm Troutman. Yeah. I'd watch the fuck out, Troutman. Are you in here? I love the way, it's Troutman.

Well, it has to be, doesn't it? It's Troutman. Troutman. What the fuck is this? Is that a trout terrorist attack? It's excellent conditions for recording a podcast. I love it. I started a Patreon to fund a room to do the podcast in.

I paid the deposit, locked in for a two-year thing, went in there, death metal band practicing next door. Can't use it. I used to play the drums in it. It's the worst fucking thing ever. Are you a Marvel guy then? Yeah, fucking love it. Love it.

More superhero merchandise. Your only here is like a fucking fact-finding mission. Yeah. I think you make the most amount of merch out of any podcast that I know. And it's good. It is good shit as well. I'm wearing it. He's doing a plug because he's wearing his own.

You fucking, you fucking idiots. I'm going to wear the jacket. I'm going to wear the jacket. And then I was like, I'm going to have to balance it out by wearing my own merchandise as well. The thing that I've done, imagine this is my Forbes article. I don't have that much money.

I can't afford the room to do the podcasting. But what I've seamlessly done, I saw a gap in the market, was, name three songs. Right? Anyone with a death metal t-shirt, all the big deaf metal bands, name three songs.

You can't wear one. And you panic. Even I panics, my favorite band ever. Name three songs. Brown Chowler. Like, fucking whatever. So I was like, I'll make the podcast merch look

like really cool band merch. And then once people go, oh, cool band, what is it? Name three songs. There you go, it's a podcast. You can't get me. You're very afraid that people are trying to get you. No, I was in that, I was in character for the person wearing the merch.

No, I see what you mean. And it is a lovely merch. Thanks very much. You can pick some up at the back there. But you've got, but what time am I on? I want to make sure I can meet everyone. Please tell me I've got like an hour at least. Have you got respect to me?

We've got loads of time. Let's go on. Show your merch off then. Go on. It's not really, it's not a sort of... Oh, right, it's a men'swear company. It's a men'swear company. Sexist.

Sexist. Who are a men's wear company. It is, I mean, look, it's a men'swear company. We announced that we were doing this collaboration, and we did get a few messages being like, what about women? You're like, well, women can wear t-shirts. I've seen it.

I've seen women in T-shirts. He's so pro. I love it. But also I think that, like, those, like, when you see merch, like, bands do merch where it's like skinny teas for the ladies. They don't sell. No. They don't sell. No.

Because I've not seen anyone wear that since, like, 2006. But, true, but it is menswear. Yeah. The name is menswear. Yeah. But I can't get the company to change their name. You didn't try hard enough. Anyway, I'm not going to slack your clothing up.

It looks very nice. It looks very nice. I made a dress. Very inclusive. Boys can wear dresses whenever they want. Look at that fucking easy. Easy, but true, because I do it all the fucking time. This is honestly, the whole vibe is so confusing here tonight.

Much like me wearing a dress. But you came out here tonight and anything vaguely controversial, you said, people are like, yeah, fucking yeah! They can't stop for saying anything. And then you go, I'm very inclusive. And I get all my pronouns right. And everyone goes, yeah! That's the market, baby.

I love it. It's my dream market. Take fucking notes. Anyway, your podcast, I've got a plan. You got a plan? I got such a good plan. What's the plan? This whole thing was a plan, right?

The whole thing. Number one thing was like, do you want to do a live podcast? I was like, yeah. And then immediately started shitting myself. So I was like, okay, how can I deflect? I'll get a pro podcaster to be the guest. therefore it's their fault if it's bad. Right.

Right. That's where you come in. And then I thought, what am I going to do? And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to take the concept of their podcast, change it a bit, and then call it my own idea. Okay. This is the plan you kept texting me about.

Yeah. But what I did, I met. He's messaged you. No, he's changing it slightly. Don't shout out things from our podcast. He's changed... Now they're just shouting out... I'm so sorry, Craig.

They're shouting out catchphrases from my podcast now. It's fine. But still a genius, though, because what I made sure to do for my own fragile ego is to sell it out before announcing him. So again, if you're... Oh, it wasn't like off-menu. That's on you. You paid for a drummer.

I gave you the bonus of off menu. I'm fucking devious, man. So... I'm looking forward to hearing the changes you've made. Popatoms or bread to... No, shut the fuck up! And welcome... To goth menu!

I can kill an hour easily with this. Now, this would be interesting. Have you come up with more than the title? Let me tell you about when this plan was devised. What time we're on? This plan was devised about 14 hours ago. So,

what it is, if anyone doesn't know... The cinnamon really comes through. It's lovely. It's like, oh, I thought you were slagging me off. No. Slag Tim off. Tim brewed it. The photo... Tim's a great brewer. I have a... The photo, I'd like everyone to get in on this joke, actually. The photo, I think it's funny,

but I think stump fucking's funny. The photo that I did, we did, there's like three main photos. Me out of front smiling me out of the front resting bitch face normal and then me like brewing and what I did when we were doing the brewing photo is a joke that me and real bad from these nuts have if anyone knows these nuts any of these nuts fans we have a joke where we would just come up to each other on tour and I find this peak comedy where you just go up to each other on tour and you begin talking

as if you'd as if it's on like a pre-arranged thing so I would come up to you on tour or we're backstage or whatever and I go, yeah, that should level out just before the end and then, yeah, it's perfect. And then the other person would, because it's how

long before they realize it's the bit. So it does it all, you can do it with anything, it's like, yeah, they are. The notes are the same, but that will stop it. And you just do a mad shit like that. Yeah, great, I love it. But when they were like, oh, we've got to take some photos

of you doing the brewing, I wasn't doing any fucking brewing. Tim was doing the brewing and I was like, I just did that. And so I went and the photo looks really good. I went, yeah, that temperature is good actually. And the photo is like... Perfect, so it's like you're brewing, yeah. Really fucking good. Anyway, goth menu.

So what I've painstakingly done is first research that there was any kind of sort of suing that could happen, which apparently the concept is not copyrighted. No, because it's literally a conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. There's no originality in the chat. It's a conversation everyone has all of the time. Concept theft.

An I be thieving? Right. So, it's got your dream, because you like music. What we haven't touched on, he's more metal than most of us. You said this earlier, but I don't know, I don't know. What band is on your hat? Gert.

They're a sludge band. What was the name of their album? Oh, Bongs of Praise was their last album They're fucking brilliant The British sludge band, they're amazing Any Gert fans in the house? No, really though I mean day one Gert fans

No, that's what I mean, you're more metal than me We did an episode and I was like expecting you to be like Just about to fucking rinse some bands there Not gonna do it I was expecting to be very normy And then I felt like I felt like you just went Name three bands

I was like Oh fuck So what we're gonna do Seamlessly Goth menu is your dream festival Oh nice Don't tell me someone's already done it I will smash this fucking deal to my head

I do wish you'd give me some time to prepare Because this is You know when you ask you Who your favourite bands are And then you panic And all you can think of has been reached No no it doesn't matter You're only need to think of two

you're only if you think of it is just funny shit because bands aren't funny inherently but what I did as I message you shall we prepare something and your message the fucking batum was I am not preparing a thing well here's what I was worried you were getting like a bit nervous about the show

and that you're worried things weren't going to go well and I wanted to make it clear to you that this audience fucking love you they are here for you because they love the podcast and it will be the easiest show in the world. So there's no point preparing anything because everyone will love whatever

you decide to do. Well, I gave you an in. But if I'd known we were doing my dream festival, I would have done three days of research. Okay, it might start thinking of two bands.

Maybe three, but the bands aren't the thing. The thing is the funny conversation, the witty banter we have in between all of these things. So, again, Belly laugh. When am I going on off menu? So... He can't say yes because actual

famous people got on it. So... We've had Corey Taylor. And we've had Sam, yeah. And we've had Gokwan. Yeah, that wasn't where I was sort of talking within music, really. They do call those the trilogy. Some people at... Taylor, Wattah.

Same management has Slipknot, though, so... Honestly, so sincere as well. He went, Gokwant. They do call that the Nolan trilogy of off-menu. There's the curveball at the end there. You think you know where it's going. Anyway, I don't have any sound effects. I could do this. Oh, is that?

I'm so proud of myself. Beer or cider at a festival. At the festival? It's often the first question they come up with when they're planning a festival, isn't it? Beer or cider? Beer or cider. I mean, it's beer or cider.

isn't it? You ain't got any little inkling a cider ever. I fucking hate cider. Yeah. Well, I tell you, it's mainly, it gets boring about it. I'm type 1 diabetic and cider fucks me up. Side note, which I meant to talk about, about 35 minutes ago. Can you catch that?

What, I don't know any, I honestly don't know anything about it. No, you can't catch it, correct. catch it, correct. That was a joke. It was a joke. But what's the type one? What's the type two? How do you get them? Type

One, you often get younger, that means that you're, I'm going to give you the full definitions here. Go. Raise awareness. Type one means that your pancreas doesn't work anymore and it can often happen younger and you have to inject insulin to cover the fact that your pancreas doesn't produce it anymore.

Type two can happen later in life and often means your pancreas is working, but you become way more resistant to your own insulin, so you have to take tablets to make yourself more, more sensitive to your insulin, and occasionally inject. So is it, there's no bit here? Is it, I genuinely don't know. Is it, type 2 is the one you could potentially give yourself and type 1 is one that's hereditary? Yes, so type 1 can be hereditary. I think when me it was caused by an autoimmune deficiency and type 2. I think sometimes can be due to lifestyle factors and age. When did you...

You're type two, stage one? But does that mean your doctor's told you that you could reverse it? No, no, no, no, but you're already on the way, but you could reverse it. You could reverse it, but judging by the fact you're drinking a Biscopi pint of stout right now,

don't slag my beer up. I'm not saying it's caused it, but it's taking him over the bridge. I was the one of the same could be more sugary. So wait, but what do you say about necking eclare? That doesn't sound right. I know, but I don't want to get in on your Eclare debate. Well, if I can weigh in on the Eclare debate, they're fucking awful.

They are shit, ain't they? You want it, when you bite down into a pastry or something sweet, you want to, ooh, you want like the... Yeah, but no, the Eclare's like, that's just... That's literally what happens. And then it's like The top has some shit And then this middle Might as well be fucking A4 paper

scrunched up Yeah but how does this tie into diabetes I thought that's you're not allowed to have that He's about to come on stage there It doesn't matter We'll talk about it later Can you explain his joke No he's suggesting that he's so many

Eclays that he's put himself on the way Towards type 2 diabetes I suspect that might not be the case you'd like to think that you've given yourself type 2 diabetes from eating too many a class yeah sure it has worked

you have had a bit of time out of it nice one talk later at merch might get some sort of deal going on I feel like we've moved away from goth to off menu and gone into off menu now so beer

no I genuinely wanted to know because I don't know the same way I genuinely wanted to know how to be better at talking to people I found that bit out that's gone into my brain So I basically I have to inject insulin before like every meal I have to make sure that

because it takes up my blood sugar level and I have to inject insulin to bring it back down again. Is there anyone else? You literally can't boo that. I mean it's annoying that I have to do it but I am quite happy that I get it. Boo, you're not in a coma.

Fuck insulin, man. What, um, this might be a whole political debate I can't even bother to get into. You're booing diabetes? Yeah, no, fair enough, actually. Who do we aim that at, though? The diabetes boo? Yeah, like, is there a fucking guy?

Genetics, we're booing genetics. We're booing genetics. Okay, aside from booing genetics, so have you got a food podcast? Yeah. And you eat some mad shit? I eat some mad shit, baby. Are you like, and you got a fucking...

Yeah, I'm pretty good at it now. I'm pretty good at, like, balancing it all. And, yeah, I shoot up before meals and, like, just... Where'd you shoot up? All over the place. It doesn't need to be, like, it's not smack. It doesn't need to be in the veins. So it's subcutaneous, so I just do it...

Sub-Q? It's sub-Q, mate. So I'm just doing it, do it. Stomach, legs. Yeah, rotate sights. The nose, straight out the nose. Rotate sights. So people at the gym don't notice.

Yeah. Not yet. But one day I won't fit into this chair, and we've had this chat. Anyway. Do you think you will start? Oh, fucking 100%. Yeah, really? Yeah, 100%.

I'm just fucking bored, man. Why do you need to be one of the puffed-up sad-looking men? We had the chat about the stump, right? And how you said one of the jokes didn't work. And I went, that was the joke I like the most. I'm not wired right. But I could be sat in this chair and just looked like at some huge, testicle. They'd be great.

So do you think being like a proper royd head would be funny? Just for a bit. I don't think that's how it works. I'd just jump on for a bit, get massive, and then just be like, that was funny, wasn't it? And then I'd come off.

It'd be fine. It's happening. Anyway, you've got diabetes. Yeah. Very sorry or happy, I don't know. You don't need to be sorry. That's fine. What? I was going to ask what age. and stuff like that. It's not really entertaining, is it? 13. What happened?

Get off diabetes in a minute. It's not very funny. We'll get off that, but what happened? Did you go, this cake makes me feel shit? No, I had some of the symptoms which are like pissing a lot. Like being really thirsty and pissing a lot. Is that, like, if you're an alcoholic and you have that, is that still fine?

That's fine. Okay, I'm good, I'm good. Carry on. It's fine, being alcoholic, that's cool. No, it's just being like having a high blood sugar constantly so you're drinking a lot of water because you get really thirsty and then you're pissing a lot because of that

so luckily we caught it early because somebody was just pissed I'll piss myself there you were just pissing a lot and you went oh hey doc Yeah but a lot Pissing how much is a lot gallons

How many times a day do you piss I'm not counting usually But how many times a day Would you have to piss Fees ago This is a lot I used to do cocaine. Okay, but every time you went to the toilet to do a line, you wouldn't then make

yourself do a piss. It would make me piss a lot and sometimes I'd think, is this sugar, water and I'm diabetic? Hang on, hang on, so the cocaine itself would make me piss. Would make you pit. From a tiny little dick. A physical, so a physical reaction to the cocaine would be pissing a lot. And I thought, honestly, a couple of times, I thought maybe this is a couple of with sugar and I'm diabetic. I was very paranoid at this point in my life. I don't know why.

I had no idea Coke was so hydrating. I don't think it is. Isn't that interesting? Tiny little acorn. Is that why people do it in the toilet? Because they can just be halfway to rely and be like, oh God, I need to go again!

Honestly, and honestly I thought well this can't be right. And so I thought was diabetic for a bit. And then, you know, cocaine psychosis, I thought I was diabetic. I thought maybe I was so high from the sugar and that's why I was pissing a lot, but there was definitely enough cocaine in there for me to be as paranoid

as I was. I love, you're a fucking cocaine addicts and going God, what if I'm diabetic? That would be awful. It was such a good party. Guys, I might be diabetic. What have I started doing steroids? Have we done that?

Have we done that? Yeah, it's done. Yeah, we found a way out of that. That was great. And what I've done there, because your answer was so boring, just beer. I've made a bit out of that.

The question you asked me was beer or cider. And I gave you the answer. I'm coming back to other drinks. All right, okay, sorry. I'm sorry for being so aggressive then. Go on. No, I'm quite sorry for that. It's the 6.5% signature brew Biscop night.

Still available at the bar. Apparently. I'm not sure it is actually Alright, so at this point What's your next bit that you do on yours? Oh, okay Then I'll do my version So the plan hasn't been very well thought through, hasn't it?

I have the plan in the same notes folder as my sketch career So is beer or cider that still a sparkling water, right? Boom, baby So then it would be pop-a-doms or bread Stop I'm hardcore, metal core, I'm metalcore, I'm metalcore, I'm metal core, can get in the fucking bin. We're not even having this debate.

Listen. Hardcore or metal hardcore? No. That's not the next thing. No. No. No. I'm a genius. Okay?

I'm not doing that. This needs to be my mom and dad have to listen to this and have some harsh truths about the cocaine bit. And surely hardcore is like the root genre. So then if you pick hardcore, you could pick a metal core band under that umbrella. This is my podcast.

I'm putting the fucking squash on the hardcore metal called beef. Your thing is popadoms or bread. Yeah. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. Good trout. No, no trout.

Mine, I'm applying it to the festival situation. I've painstaking me over the last 14 hours for about one of those. Thought about this. What accommodation are you having at a festival? What does Ed Gamble do? You camping? Hotel? A little camper van?

Is this me personally or what am I... This is your dream festival. Have you watched your own podcast or listen to it? Yes, no, but what am I? Is that what I'm providing for everyone going to the festival? Or is that what I'm staying in? Well, the dream restaurant isn't what's everyone eating. But you're asking me...

You're a fucking a great sludge for everyone. At my dream festival, it's not just me there. So I need to think of the other people. You need to sleep. Just think about yourself. I'm obviously sleeping in a hotel. What are you talking about? talking about. Not fucking camping.

You see all that hear all the people shouting out there randomly. That's the sort of people you hear at 4 in the morning on a campsite. And you go, why have I camped again? Who's a camper? Yeah, it's all the loudest people from earlier. Who's a camper from necessity? Who's a camper that would hotel

if someone else paid for it? All of the campers. Every camper. Is there a single camper here? campers sounds like a fake word now is there any camper here who would if they were offered a hotel room and they're picking

they're picking camping over the hotel room dedicated to the camp and you you're just here with a mate you have no idea who I am it's you again how's your day going

good fun you're living under a fucking rock that's so nice if they gambols I'm telling you that. Good though, good, thank you. Okay, hotel. The one guy who doesn't know who you are

is wearing a yellow bubble hat just sat in the middle of it. So it's so easy to... I love it. Okay, so what's in this hotel then? What's, it does... For a festival, you don't need much in there. Well, it's in your dream hotel then.

What's in my dream hotel? Microcosm. Okay, no, I go festival hotel, I go, give me a bit. I don't know what I'm doing no idea do you like camping I hate it no of course he doesn't I hate it so much

yeah it's just the worst yeah the fucking lights are on well early the sun yeah that's what you mean because you're indoors it feels like it's light I genuinely didn't say lights as a joke. They put the lights on early again.

Because it's dispersed, much like a light. Someone turns a light, it's like 5 a.m. Wait the fuck up. Wait the fuck up, but some bands are wrong. I hate it. Absolutely fucking hate it. Yeah, and if you're sleeping near the stages as well, like it happens to be behind the stages

and people are sound checking stuff. And it always is, the VIP camping. Yeah, yeah. VIP. VIP camping. That is a tortology. As an oxymoron, I think it is. With a VIP campers,

I've got my sleeping bag. I'm very important. The last time I camped at a festival, I couldn't, I'm waking up in the night needing a piss a lot. Rare by you. And I just started pissing in a cup. Diabetes joke, sorry.

Couple of last. Come on, guys. Imagine if I get cancer, for that after all the other shit. Go on. So I just started pissing in an empty beer cup and then it would just keep filling up and I'd have no idea what to do with it.

So I just then reach out of my tent and just pour it. Pour it onto the floor and in the morning I woke up went out in bare feet and immediately just stood in a giant puddle of my own piss. So of course a travel lodge is what I want. Travel lodge.

If you do like a stand-up show you're in a travel lodge? No, fuck no. Fuck, no. You ever been to one of those ones with like real cool shit, like a bathtub in the middle of the room? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hotel DeVan, baby. Look, this guy. No wonder no one's buying your merch. They're not rooting for you. I've never been in those hotels. Can I go in those hotels? There's merch available at the back. But a bath in the middle of the room

feels luxury. But if that was your house, you'd be like, what the fuck's gone wrong? You'd get out of it. Yeah. Instead of piss at the festival. Water.

Same effect. happened. It's not luxury. A bath in the middle of the room is not luxury. Prefer a separate bathroom. That is luxury. And that's standard. Most often standard. I love it. Big fan. Okay. What's next on your one? Okay. So then we'd have a bit more witty banter. Wait, wait, way, we've got a more based on that.

No, no, no, no, as in, we've done that. We've covered that. Okay, good, yeah. That's great. That whole bath thing. I thought we weren't letting them in. I love the little riff about the bath in the room. That was all lovely. It was good. I thought that was a good place to move on. I've listened to your podcast. I've stolen it over the last 14 hours. You also do a podcast.

You're acting like you've never done one before. You definitely do do one, and it's very good. Look at all these people. This is fucking... I will say this. This is mental. Like, I am genuinely... Again, this will be the second time of sincerity.

I'm genuinely, like, blown away. And if I talk about it, more I will cry. Mainly, mainly because I didn't even announce him. I know you're here for me. Some of you, five of you with the friends. Alright, just slag me off. Okay, so we've established I've done that bit. Okay, so your next thing is starter.

We do start-starter, yeah. So for starter, and this is where it actually might fuck up. The other bits I've got a riff on. Beer. Like a band. Yeah. who you love but who's small

so when you're in your dream festival it's like a band you've maybe recently got into or you got into at a time it's basically your first on you're at the festival it's Friday you go see a band who are they I need three or four

because if I don't like them I'm gonna fucking put my foot in it because I've heard people have this discussion before where I stole this discussion of you no no as in the festival discussion and like dream festival discussion and like dream festival discussion and people are like, well then you can have any band you want.

No, no, no, no. It doesn't matter who I... It has to be a realistic festival bill, and I respect that. Thank you very much. I just stole your thing, starter. So like... Yeah, but that's not... We don't insist on off-man-you-you have to have a food

that not as many people have heard of. It's not a big food. You can't have chips. It's not a big food. Replace the word food with band. I've fucking done it again. again. So you're looking for the sort of three

scollops of bands, essentially, right? Like a scolops? Scolips is fucking, oh yeah, yeah. Three scallops, so can't be fucking Galt. Gert. What is it? Gert, sorry. It could be fucking Gert, mate. I mean, it could be.

Yeah, they could open a festival. Short episode. What festival? No offence to Gert. I like the name of the band. They should have a song, an album called Gert Russell. There's a whole... They definitely would.

They've done bonkers of praise, mate. Feed the rhino. Feed the rhino. Yeah, that's a good shout. I was genuinely going to... Cundra were bouncing around in my head as an opener. That's a scallop.

That's a scollop. But it's like, who we talk now, like Cundra, Venom Prison. Great. These are... Tasty. Ithaca. Starters.

Employed to serve. Who are you picking, though? I'll give you all of those. Well, look, because I was going to say Cundra, but someone shouted it out before, so that makes me feel unoriginal. I will say Ithaca, because I said that before anyone shouted it out.

I want to go with Conjura, though. Well, they can play as well. They can be on after Ithaca. To be fair, those who are on the same fucking bill. Let's be honest. In fact, let's do all of them. Because I make the rules, because I stole the rules off you, and I can change them.

First on. We've got a fucking light there, mate. 200 tickets for the drummer, times out by four. Manager. Come on. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking me do terribly. They're more of a 2pm band when everyone's off getting a burger.

Yeah. Oh, apparently it's not witty banter anymore. Depends which country. some countries you are very wrong some countries you might actually be big in us up okay

so we've got those so we're going Ithaca to open I reckon we can do all four I go with ithaca Ithaca Ithaca Cundra yeah but I feel like Condra you've got more of a history with Conjura

I can talk more about conjure I've got more of history with I don't want to push you to do your dream festival, but Conjura did the Lifers theme tune and I've got questions about that. Ithaca didn't. No, they didn't, but Jamilla was on an episode of Lifers.

That's not the theme tune though, is it? Okay, yeah, Condra did the theme tune to my podcast Lifers, yes. Now essentially you're slagging off Conjura by saying they're not worth first on. I'm getting progressively more drunk.

They'd be great first on. Are you trying to get into chat about Lifers so you can have a discussion about how this podcast beat Lifers at the heavy music awards in Best Podcasts Gats agree? No. It genuinely wasn't.

That was never up for debate. No, it wasn't, wasn't. That was fine. It doesn't matter. Thank you to everyone that voted. I won the award. And what I'm going to do, I'll let you in on it because you're the elite. You're the elite that you're in on this.

Okay, so what I'm going to do is when they say next year are you up for it again? I'm like hold off let me present it because let's be honest it will be good

failing that I'll sponsor the category so I can't lose it again so really I just win the first one and then I'm out and then everyone's like oh he was never in it again because he couldn't because he presents it now

perfect crime genius So you want to present the whole awards? Oh, I think it'd be good. Yeah. I think it'd be great if I did the fucking arrogant prick. I think the atmosphere might be quite sour for the first award after you'd done the Stumpfuckers. Stumpy fucky, stumpy fucky.

I'll do like a theme tune. And the winner of Best Stumpfucker. No, but I want to like, I want to roast everyone. I fucking hate music. I hate everything to do with it. Okay. This is not a good pitch to present the heavy music awards. No, but that's funny because...

And then I can just be like, I guess your band was good, I don't know, I haven't listened to it. And I'll just find a thing. It'll be funny, it'll be a whole different thing. It's going to be risky on their part. I'd watch it. Exactly.

Stumpy, fucky. Okay. Starter, Ithaca. You go in Ithaca? I'm very happy to go, Ithaca. Conjura doing the theme tune, which is what I actually wanted to ask. Yes.

I actually predicted you would say Condra so I could ask this question. Yeah. Did they go and record, that in a studio? Yeah, I think so. I wasn't there for that, but they did, they did record it in a studio. Spotify. Spotify money. They paid for that.

Yeah, I think so, yeah. I tried to manage Conjura once. Yeah. And I was asking them, when are you going to just record anything? And they were like, oh, I just never. They was fucking, like, the reason that, like, between their two albums has been so long, it was like, ah, never.

And it was like, and then I listened to Lifeers. I'm like, he got Conjura to record all my the whole song that sounds great just do that eight more times they're very specific about what they

what they're doing I think I think they take a lot of time over it because they're working very hard at it do a comedy podcast theme tune yeah yeah it wasn't a comedy podcast he didn't listen to it it was not it was a very serious podcast

incredibly sincere yeah it's very difficult to do a podcast where you're interviewing bands about the state of the music industry and how you have to work really hard for not much money whilst you're also telling than you are doing that podcast for Spotify.

Did you have to say that? Yeah, they knew what it was for. Did the guests get paid? Yeah, no, I believe everyone was recompensed. Spotify, give me that money. Fucking sick. Brown trout. Brown, fucking brown trout's on track.

You got that brown trout money, man. You got brown trout money. Brown trouts on time. Spotify, upside down brown trouts. War buttons. Brown. Up something, oh no, no, not brown. Warburton's, any, any warburton's, you pick.

It's lovely to realise the moment that Stout kicks in, isn't it? We're just, seeing that happen live, where you're like, Unfugged up. Brown trout, brown trout. Unfucked up. Warburton's. Can I get a request, but please don't, Sunny. Don't, Sonny Pukin?

Did he actually piss himself? Yeah, of course he fucking is. Not sunny. Not sunny who we met him. Who else we got that's like a highlight of the show? Eclare diabetes man. Can you do me a favour? Very carefully, because I'm going to have to pay for this if anything goes wrong.

You give me a favour and just flip this trout upside down. I don't mean like actually flip it. No, no, no, no, no. Just literally rotate it. Just rotation, please. I'm going to have to pay for it. I'm already at a loss because that was 550 quid and I've got to pay this cunt. Oh, that is a political statement.

Are those people coming forward to take a picture of the upside down brown trap? I'll have you know that's Lee Gill from the movie Joker. So... Hey, Lee Gill. Love you, babe. Lee Gill? Yeah. No wonder if fucking loves fish pictures.

Unbelievable. BAfter. Bafter shit. That was so quick. so quick. Get all to fish. I didn't even think. Seameless.

Can we get just a little shout out for fucking Ed? Imagine if I had some just fucking wetty there. They just knew nothing and wasn't funny and didn't do anything. It'd be so shit. There'd be no trout flipping. I love the trout flipping. That's great. No stump discourse?

There'd be nothing. There'd be nothing. Anyway, you've had your starter. Yeah. I'm happy with that start How are we feeling about the starter for the festival? Wait, wait, did we go into go or did we do Conjura? What do you want?

Oh, Conjura love a little fucking, oh, let's do two bands. Oh, we'll do anything to not make an album, but let's do another album where there's two of us. It's coming out this year. Love them. Band's fucking amazing. And that album's fucking great as well. Curse These Metal Hands is fucking amazing. And the peep show, the peep show reference in the name.

Unbelievable. But you know what I'm talking about, though. unbelievable smash debut from Conjura. You're going to put a record out? Ah, nah. Here's another record, though, which took exactly the amount of effort, but with other people without our name really on it.

It's like proper artist. Like, can't relate. Cannot relate. Pink sign, trout. That's all you need. Although, if you look at it, it's kind of arty. It is very arties.

It's very darling. The trout. Troutgate has now become part of my whole existence. I think you're going to need to buy that trout for when you do like streams and stuff to have it in the background. Dave, get me a price on the trout. I'm at a loss with the fucking sign. But we're good. I'll buy the trout. Tax deductible trout.

Is it? My accountant might actually be it. Is your accountant in the crowd? He actually might be. He's a good guy. Really? Yeah. He's not... Okay, if that's your accountant, fire it. If that is.

You've got to fucking fire that guy. You want to see... You do not want an accountant who turns up to your shows and goes, Yeah. You want to see the amount of stumps I can put through. Putting those through the books. Okay, starter. Done. Then next, I've remembered this one, is the main course.

so so interesting so in order obviously with a meal the middle course is the main course right yeah which would be seen as the headliner of the meal in a way but at a festival you'd put the main course on at the end wouldn't you so what are you asking for here now are you talking about the middle act or are you talking about the headliner don't use your brain against life I wasn't trying to be against I was just clarifying I'm doing my bit that I've been thinking about.

Oh my God, I need to stop drinking. This one's got vodka in it. Anyway, so the main course is your headliner. What did you just say? Not that. Because within the order of the meal, it's like you're putting the... No, but a festival is much more than just the bands, my friend. I've got shit planned.

But, okay, so you're not having more. This is the last band of discussion. This is your fucking... This is who you've gone to the festival for. Yeah. But then you got dessert, which I'll come on to. I've got a very clever thing planned. Okay, great, okay, cool. So this is my

headliner. This is your headliner. It's lip-knot, isn't it? It's the only festival headliner that's around at the moment. Fuck you, who else are you putting to headliner metal festival? What about Metallica? You know a Metallica guy? What? No Metallica? Boring. Who is going to a metal festival? now and watching Metallica headline and go, fuck, I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. No, they're doing the same shit as they've been doing for the last 20 years. They're a great band. Look, love Metallica, love them on record. But Metallica headlining, another metal festival? You fucking kidding me? We have to watch that fucking hunting video at the top and pretend that's okay.

Mr. Trout. Are you okay with James Hetfield's hunting? I debated so long whether or not to do the voice. I was like, do I do the voice or not? Yeah. All right, I'll give you Slipknot.

Obviously, Metallica are great, but I would be more excited by Slipknot as a headliner. And I will agree, although the slagging off of Metallica, if I could pick my dream Metallica festival gig, then I would probably pick Metallica. but with Slipknot Yeah, I can't

I can't argue Headlining download I'm sure it's coming But come on Stay on the same page as us Yeah Five years What was that?

System, no not now System in like 2000 2001 definitely Not Not system Ramstein It's a big answer It's a big answer

I could watch, I'd be happy to watch Ramstein with the sound off. Ramstein? Whoa, really? Yeah, I'll fucking take you all on your cun. Are you serious? If I know one thing about this crowd. Big firework.

Oh, great firework, but what was all that shit? Almost. Moshchukkah, are you fucking kidding me? Headlining a festival. Right, this, this has to stop. And then it's boring. This has to stop. Some of you don't know

the basic concept of headlining festivals. The, Parabellum London. There he is. Nipped off. Slayer, fucking yes. Slayer can't happen.

All right. Also, Slayer don't headline the sort of dream festival we're doing. Slipknot, I'll fucking give you. There's some questions and some answers I'm unhappy with here. Great. Ramstein getting fucking beefed.

I just I wouldn't sit down and listen to a Ramstein record No but there would be stump fucking Yeah there would be I saw them fucking I saw them at Brixton Academy Like fucking years ago It was one of the best gigs I've ever been to

They may as well be a stump fucking They didn't fuck a stumped They didn't fucking see them watch a festival Hey he writes all the music as well He writes all the music and then he's also like Hey guys Oh yeah Oh yeah

should I be in a gimp mask on a treadmill getting fucked by Dildo and then they all go eh it seems good and he's like yeah it's just an idea I had do you think he ever has to argue for that do you think they're ever like

I don't flake I don't think that's a good idea man he's like no you gotta fuck me in the ass that's part of the show I would put money on stump fucking has come up in their conversations. And they've gone... And their Ed Gamble, fucking Hans Gamble,

this is close, but you can't get me. Hans Gamble goes... No, Stumpfucking, no, stop fucking, it is not the audience for Stumpfucking. We can fuck the head still on the body. That's just a blow job. But, okay, what do you say potato? I say potato.

But you're nice. Thank you. No, look, Ramstein, great, great live act. Great headliner. But I wouldn't be there fucking singing along to shit. I have a Ramstein story. Please. Look at this.

Please. Almost like I paid that guy to say Ramstein. I actually didn't. So, Download Festival 2013. I was there, I think I was playing for Brutality Will Prevail at the time. And I just come back from America playing for Vision of Disorder in America. And then they were also playing. Ramstein was headlining and they had those tickets.

Oh, you can only be side stage if there's a ticket. And me and Matt, Mike Bamback from fucking Matt Banback from, vision of disorder where he was like oh let's just go on side stage and I was like you're not allowed because you need the token and he was like we'll just fucking go went to the side stage he's like New York fucking Long Island American we get to the thing and they're like have you got the passes German have you got the passes and he went we got the fucking passes and they just went okay let us on the stage so we're side stage Ramstein are up there like fucking jizzing fucking

all the shit, big cauldron, and the guy comes out of it, and he's wearing a mask in the cauldron, one of them's on a treadmill, it's fucking sick. Is this their pre-gig ritual? Yeah, I was just backstage. No, that was on the stage. And then there was these big magnums of, like,

champagne at the side of the stage. Huge things, and they kept coming off stage and just glugging them. But while they were on stage, no one was glugging them. And I was like, could glug. So, I...

Then you realised you said that out loud. I started... Started glogging. I would just go over and then the tour manager came over. This is a 100% true story and was like, who are you with? And I was like, what do you mean? I was like, which band are you with? And I was like, oh, I had Maiden had played the night before.

And I went, and I went, Iron Maiden. And he went, oh, okay. And then just let me come out. Wow. on drinking? You would have thought, if you're asking the question, what band are you with? You'd know anything about any bands? I mean, I think it was, I assumed I worked for Iron Maiden and they were... Bruce Dickinson's great grandson. In the hierarchy or whatever.

Then, so I keep doing it. I'm fucked up by this point. And then a different guy comes over. I was like, which band are you with? English guy. And I was like, Iron Maiden. And he was like, I wanted to watch Iron Maiden last night's side stage and you didn't let me now fuck off and I looked him straight in the eye and just went

yeah can't argue with that and I just fucking left the stage and that was it that's fair enough true story that's a great story okay so slip knot

I reckon so what's your favourite slipnot if we're talking obviously there's a whole discussion around there's not enough bands that at that level that can headline festivals and sell tickets. And Slipknot out.

The ones that do are absolutely the fucking band. Who's after them, though? No, I don't mean at the festival. I mean in terms of old bands stopping who's next after Slipknot. Limp Biscuit album called Dad vibes. I believe that was just a track on the album, actually. It was a fucking good album.

Very bad. It was very bad. Absolutely fucking terrible album. Carry on. I can do what I want. Oh fuck, I didn't get the Limp-Lisket tour. Who is next? I mean, architects, I guess.

Yeah. I feel like bring me are gonna... Are they gonna come back? No, I feel like bring me are gonna eclipse download headliner. I feel like bring me are gonna go Reading headliner. Yeah, they sort of left that behind them already, haven't they? But I feel like architect.

in my head is the next big download headliner that hasn't ever done it. They'll do it, they'll make them do the second stage and people like deaf tones and corn are going to be gutted because they never got to be the headliner but they also never got a big fucking orb projecting shit like architects, I was about to say waste money

but they're like, when they did Ali Pally and shit they like didn't make any money because they were just like they just put all the money that we make into fucking art house this light which is exactly what I did I remember

I went to the money I make into this light you can see architects at Ali Pally I'm sure you'll all remember the massive upside down brown trout

they went big with their brown trout and funnily enough fair play to them that's where I stole the statement from wish we could get some bread any way to get bread

Dave got any bread back there okay right slip not yeah I don't think that's a controversial choice. No, I think it's good. But what's your favourite Slipnight album? What's your favourite mask?

Because they've got masks, man. Can I divorce my nostalgia for Slipknot when I first heard them from the actual quality of the albums? Probably not. It's the first album. Because that meant so much to me at the time and still does. That's the one I go back to. But then, obviously, Iowa

is probably the best album. Technically. But then, we are not your kind as fucking banging as well. I put that well up put that well up there. I need you to pick one. Is it not talking? Is there some sort of brown trout terrorist attack?

If you're not in here, there's seats at the front. You can bump people up or whatever. It's fine, we're good. I'm trying to listen to Slipknot or something. Trying to listen to someone else talk about Slipknot. All right. Favorite Mark? Rewind.

I could have done the Ace Venture, I think. That is... We're about five years away from that being funny again. I think about this all the time. This? You fucking wait. Five more years? Coming back.

Austin Powers is still funny. Oh, it's so funny, but this... Not funny yet. Yeah. It's like when WhatsApp came back around. When was that? As an ironic thing. Everyone was saying,

What's up? How long ago? I missed it. I'm so fucking fed up a WhatsApp. And then like five years later, everyone was like, was up again, and it became funny again. Oh, I missed that. I want to be there for this.

Yeah, you'll be there for that. Don't worry. It's funny because I'm bringing Ed Gamble on. Yeah, see, not funny. Yeah, yeah. Five fucking years. Absolutely hilarious. Anyway, Slipknot.

So are you going Iowa? I'd go Iowa. Let's say they'd do it. It's a dream festival. They're doing... Oh, an album in full? Yeah, yeah, because I saw Metallica. My Sprupp's in full.

Stumps. If we're doing that, Iowa were in full. Yeah, that's sick as fuck, isn't it? They've got loads of banging stuff on every album, so. The first album, there's definitely loads of weird new metal. But you're describing something I really like.

You like the fucking, you like all that mad little weird shit. Yeah. I was listening to... No album needs to be 24 tracks long or whatever it is. I was listening to... Twist by corn the other day. I fucking love that stuff.

But we had this chat. Twizzed. Corn have never been bad. Yeah. They haven't. What's the bad corn? What the fuck are you talking about, Lee Gill? You shut your fucking mouth.

Lee Gill, aka Joker, Gary from Joker. Slags off corn. This is TMZ. This is my inn. Hey, did they win an Oscar? Right. I appreciate your point.

Did Joker win an Oscar? Two Oscars. So, Oscar winning actor absolutely slates corn. He's held it. Exactly. Just because you held the Toy Story for Oscar, you didn't win it, Lee.

You can't. That's not... I bet you were so welcome at the Oscars, Lee. Just go around going to... Let me hold your fucking Oscar, mate. I don't personally think. I would challenge anyone to come up with an actor that's been in an Oscar-winning movie

slagging corn off so much. I think that's the first. So we've done a fucking first. One clap. Come on. Come on. Come here, Lee. Come here.

Come and see my brown trout. Dude, whatever that fucking album was where it had the boom, that, that, that the ima, that shit, right? Follow the leader,

whatever it was. Right? I bought that three times and I kept taking it back saying it doesn't work because it didn't fucking start. track 13. That's why he's won a fucking Oscar, mate.

You want a hope. You want to hope Scorsese's not a new metal head. Or you're fucked. Lee Gill, enraged by Corn. Corn, like, they've never been different from that, that's what I'm saying. They've never been bad. No, but they have. They've twisted it enough to just...

Twist? Yeah, do it? They've kept going. I love him. But if you didn't like... That's first album, Corn. If you didn't like that corn, you're not going to like any of it. They're actually one of the only. My two, like, yeah, I'm getting drunk, so it's difficult. My two, like, consistent, I'm sure I've got more,

but, like, consistently corn have been the same forever, as in, like, if you don't have, like, a mega cornhead, really, that's, like, fucking hated that album. Come on, they're all the same. The dubstep album, oh, boom. That's good. Listen back to that. I don't like dubstep.

I don't like weird noises. But listen back to the dubstep album now, it just sounds, it was so forward-thinking that it actually sounds quite normal now. Perfect. It's actually normal. Yeah, it's lift music now.

And the other one, to bring it back to comedy, and you might disagree with me, right? Seameless. Alan Partridge. Oh, yeah. He's the only one I can think of, Steve Coogan that has gone

like the Alan Partridge character has never not been funny yeah and that's but that's I mean he's fucking amazing at playing that character and but it's always had incredible writers as well so yeah he when they did the books they brought on the Gibbons brothers who basically who were Alan Partridge

fans and completely like refreshed the whole thing that's what Javis should have done with the fucking office in my opinion there's a man I'm a professional drummer you can slag off Ramstein, I all slag off the office. That's how it works. Okay.

Headline, slip knot. I don't have a producer to write these down, so in a minute I'll have to remember these. Okay, where is Simon? Simon, are you going to fucking have some sort of attack if I get you here? Can you stay there or are you going to come here? I can't hear him. Simon's my Twitch moderator and my YouTube editor. And one day, Simon will be at the side of their furiously writing notes down for later on. Anyway, that's my future Benito in the back there, Simon.

Shout out Simon. Main done. Side dish. Yeah. I've listened, my friend. So, side did. How are you attributing them to a festival? No, no, no, I'm just asking.

What's your suggestion? I don't know. What's the kerfuffle back there first? Simon is kicking off. Is it a Simon discourse? I can't figure it out. Anyway, if it's Simon doing it, carry on. Anyone else except Simon? No, stop.

What do you suggest for dessert? No, we're doing a side dish now. Side dish. I've had too many dessert-flavored beers. What do you think the side dish as within a festival should be? Either a main support or the headliner of the second stage is what I have. I love that. That's great. I'm a professional.

Stop shouting out bands. I love you to death, please. Your favourite band is not everyone's favourite band. But it's in... The same guy shouted at architects for everything so far. It's Sam, are you here? Hi, man are invited to be on the podcast? Can I get your answer?

Anyway. I mean, the best second stage headliner I've ever seen. What year are you fucking from? Cross faith. Are you fucking... Are you shitting in my mouth? are you talking about cross faith? Are they going to come on and do their song and then that's the end of the festival?

You know who I'm into? Trout Faith. Trout Faith. See what I did? The callback, the cross, the upside. Gajia's a good shout. Mastodon's a good shout. I feel like both of them, I mean, they're fine for now.

Are they sub-headliners, though? I feel like they might be coming up. They might be coming, you know, we talked about the bit where they're there coming up. Yeah, Mastodon, definitely. I feel like Gojira's a fucking head. Yeah. I mean, no, you can say either of those. Just pick one and we'll talk about it.

Slayer headline in the second stage at the last download was fucking outstanding. But I'm not allowed them because they're... It can't happen. One of them's dead. No, but I saw them headline without him. Really? Yeah, that was the last down... Their last gig doing like...

Oh yeah, Gary Holtfield in? Yeah. I'm still getting them out of there. I'm a poor one out for Jeff right now. Yeah, that's fine. But I've seen them without Jeff as well, and they were still good. I'm Team Jeff.

Clutch. Not really, I just don't want to... I would rather talk about Slayer than Clutch. Clutch! Clutch! Clutch! A second stage headliners. What? What festival?

You were right with basketball and Godira. My fucking dream festival. I nearly put them as headliners. So how about we just let me have them as the second stage headliners? Okay. Sell me on clutch. Sell you on clutch. Yeah, because to me...

They're the most consistently brilliant band of all time. It is the music that a man that catches a brown trout listens to. To me. Yeah, and? Nothing against that. But I just don't get it. It's so trouty. Lyrically brilliant, incredible riffs, incredible riffs.

What's the lyrics about? Incredible hooks. You know, it's... He's a pro! He's a pro! What's there? And by the way, sir, I thought as a connoisseur of drumming, you'd appreciate the work of J.P. Gaster, thank you very much. He's unbelievable.

Yeah. Unbelievable drummer. One of the... One of the finest moments in my life was being at the Golden Gras. gods and I was amced the Golden Gods and got to bring the bands on stage and clutch were one of the bands and I got to stand side of stage while he was warming up on his

practice kit. It was fucking incredible. Unbelievable drummer. Unbelievable drummers can be in bad bands though. No but then I mean you need to shut up. They are such a good band. They're fucking outstanding. I know a lot of people that like them. I just, I don't know. I see the logo. Yeah.

And now I'm bad for logos. No, that's a good look. I see. I know. That's a better logo than Clutch's logo. Thank you. All right. But if we're booking bands based on their branding, I don't think this is a good conversation.

Clutch are a fantastic band. They have an incredible back catalogue. Let me tell you about me if I was booking bands. Okay. It would be based purely on logo. Who one's there to see the music? Party camera headlining. No one's there.

Some guy came to my house the other day, right? and Laika was wearing the downbeat morbid angel rip which I figured out they're not in copyright so I'm getting away with it and some guy was like oh nice morbid angel top or whatever and she was like oh it's my boyfriend's podcast or whatever and so chat ends up he was in fucking party canon

really and he came round to give us a fucking like a parking permit back that he'd lent us and he was in party canon there we go okay so you're having clutch Yes. See, you low clutch. I couldn't... This is to me

is like when someone says medium steak. On off menu. And you slag them off, rightfully. How dare you clutch are the finest medium rare Chateau-Briand. A poor man's volby. Are you fucking...

What part of you? of mainland Europe are you from? Showing out Volby. They're fucking brilliant actually. They do headline arenas, yeah. Not in this fucking country. Have a word with yourself. Sounded racist, but wasn't.

What I want to, I want to really hit home about Volbeat here. There's a joke in the Stray from the Path camp where we get, Can we stop? There's a joke in the Stray from the Path camp about Volby. Because everyone, we get the festival,

when we get a festival tour, You got download. You guys have got like our fucking agents on the phone. Nanook, shout out. You got download. You got Hellfest. You got main stage fucking everything, baby. Vainstream, you got it.

And we're like, oh shit, yeah. Who's headlining? Vol beat every fucking time. Yeah. The biggest band I have no idea about on earth. Yeah. I've got, I don't have a clue I think I've listened to one song

and I've got no idea It's like they invented a band And then they went What are we going to call it? I don't know What sort of musical temperature should it be at? Well, the volume

should be quite loud Okay Okay, it should be loud Okay, volume And any kind of sort of rhythmic element Yeah, there should be a beat. Yeah.

Great. Oh, that's is good. Again, sounds a racist. Isn't checked extensively. So I really do like about the UK and music is that occasionally we get stuff pushed on us where they're like, well, this is big everywhere. The UK are going to love it. And we all just go, nope. But it happens the other way around.

It happened with Godsmack. When Godsmack came out in the late 90s, early, naughtys where they were like, this band are fucking huge. in America. You guys are going to love them. We're all like, that's shit. We don't want to listen to that. My trout would like a word with you. Huge Gardsmark fan. But it works the other way around. I've got Biffy Cliro beef. Do you know about my Biffy Cliro beef? Say it! He's so quick. Say it.

You've got beefy Chlyro. I watched the mechanics of your brain. As I said, I've got beef with biffy cliro. Ed Gamble's eyes activated. Beefy Cliro. Like a fucking Terminator. Look, I do a show on Radio X every Sunday morning. I know about fucking Biffy Cliro, mate.

It's the only riffs that we get to play on there. Fucking riffs. Biffy and Royal Blood. What's your listenership? Anyway, yeah, I've got Beefy Cliro. Do you know about my beefy Cliro? I think I might have heard about your Beefy Cliro, but please refresh my man.

I'll refresh everyone. Everyone doesn't know my beefy Cliro. Biffy Chiro. It's basically, lockdown finished. I went to see as many gigs as possible. I went to go see Biffie Clyro number one. Actually, I went to see while she sleeps, number one. Right?

In the Cat House, Glasgow, and it was fucking amazing. It was so good. It was a fucking horrible little sweaty. They never played a venue that small. It was fucking amazing, like for ages. It was amazing. Then I went to see Biffy Clyro, who are from Scotland, in Glasgow at a festival, board a festival,

out my fucking brains, right? And I like some Biffy Clyra. I was brought out my fucking skull, though. Then, I went to see Bring Me, and it was honestly unbelievable. It was fucking incredible. And stupidly, I like a couple of drinks.

I had a couple of drinks. I got home, and I thought, I'll make a little tweet about this. And I stupidly said, I saw Biffy Clyro the other night, and they were so. so boring I wanted to quit playing music. I didn't at Bitty, biff, bitty, callback, biffy cloro.

I didn't, I didn't at them, I just said, biffy cloro, it was so boring. And honestly, actually, mate, I watched it, and I saw the crowd, and I saw their big stage show, and I thought, and I was already in a place where I was like, I don't know if, if I maybe want to do music post-COVID. I was in a weird place. And I saw it, and I was like, is that it? Is that the top? Like, I can't, I don't know.

And honestly, I don't know if I can be bothered. If that's the top, it doesn't look like anyone's having fun, whatever. Then I saw Bring Me, it was fucking unbelievable. And then I made a tweet that said, I saw Bifuilkelo-R the other day, made me consider if I want to do music anymore. And then I just saw Bring Me and like, that's the bar, that's what I want to do. Whatever. I just tweeted that into the void.

I'm a fucking nobody. I put it in the fucking void. Get a tweet. from a really angry Scottish woman. Really fucking angry. A lot of them are. Hey. They fucking are.

Really angry, like, oh, I like to see your show, blah, blah, blah, all this stuff. And then there was like a load of replies or whatever. They were replying to each other. I was very angry. And I was like, okay, I've obviously, like, it's a Scottish, whatever. I've pissed off Scotland. Anyway, I retweeted a couple of them because I was like, this is funny. I fucking, I poked the brown trout's nest.

And I like, put it out. And then someone DM me and was like, oh, that's the singer's wife. And then I went and had a look, and it was. And then what I did... Was you left it there, and you didn't do anything else, right? Yeah, I know, I did better than that. I saw it.

I saw it. It was, in fact, the lead singer's wife having his arguments for him. I deleted everything, because I was like, I don't want to be... If I was married, I'm not, fucking yes, fuck you. If I was married and my wife was picking arguments with strangers on the internet in defence of my band, I would simply divorce her, right? So I was like, oh my God, this is fucking mental.

So I'll just delete everything because I don't want to be the cause of like a marriage, like breakdown because that's fucking crazy, like whatever. She might have had a few drinks or something. it was 2pm on a Tuesday. Anyway, so I deleted it. Deleted it. Then someone else messaged me. The person who was also talking to her,

rinsing me for my podcast, for my merch and everything, Simon Neal's burner account. And I went through it and it was in fact his account. And I was like, oh, you're searching your own band at 2pm on a Tuesday to find a negative opinion. Then getting your wife to argue with me. And I was like, oh my God. Printed it on a t-shirt, never printed it.

But it's there. It's in the fucking bank. So that's my beefy cliro. I can't remember where we were. They're out. I like them. Why think they've got some good tunes? They definitely do.

But the whole, now it's soured for me. Sour beef. They're a pun there? Some sort of menu pun. Sour beef. I love it. That is it. the new podcast for you.

Flat. Sour beef. Done. All right. We've done that. What time will be on? Clutch. Clutch on my side dish.

I managed to divert that into something I wanted to talk about. Yeah. And they've got a song on their last album that is just a recipe for crab. Hot bottom feeder. Excuse me. What? The lyrics are all just a recipe for a crab dish. I take everything back.

Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. It's called a hot bottom feeder. I need these lyrics. What's it called? Hot bottom feeder. Hot bottom fever?

What's happening here? Is there an argument happening here? I think there might be some abuse happening there. If anyone can deal with it. Hot bottom fever lyrics. I'm pulling them up. I don't have a Simon here to pull them up. Simon, can you pull those up?

I've already got them. Right, we've got some sort of. ISIS clutch fan in the crowd there. Let's not piss him off too much. Here's a genuine two lines from that song. Pouded mustard, parsley,

a dab of mayonnaise, just enough breadcrumbs and one raw egg. Of course you picked this band. Of course you picked this band. That's fucking incredible. Just enough breadcrumbs and one raw egg. What I like is chorus,

100 million years. years old. Transcendent Creature. Can we just check that he hasn't got a thousand crabs strapped to his chest? There could be some sort of some sort of gumbo happening over there. And also I should have let you know I invited Neil

Fallon. That's the... Oh, there we go. Is he in clutch? Neil Fallon? Yeah. Yeah. I just wanted to piss him off more. Um... Transcendent creature, I just can't get enough. Hot bottom feeder. Yes, indeed, bridge, sorry.

Yes, indeed. Can you stop talking? I'm trying to say... Can you please stop talking? Craig is busy. Yes, indeed. Serve it up hot. Yes, indeed, like this.

I mean, this is quite good. You will be ejected, sir. Yeah, okay, that's good. The perfect headline is to the second stage. Yeah, I'll give you that. Especially with the menu comparisons. all nice. Okay, dessert. Post

festival, post show. Any drugs? Christ, no. How am we going to sleep if I take drugs? That's a big... I'm not a drug's man. Not a drugsman? Never been a drugsman? No, I'm sorry, I'm really going to

upset the crowd. I'm not really a drugs person. That's fine. No, I'm more of a... I enjoy... I know you've got rigorous contracts with Dave TV. Might be relying on. No, honestly. No, I think you can tell that just by talking to me. I enjoy nice alcohol. Not even if you're in, like, Los Angeles or one of the other Angeles,

that they let you... There's no other Angeles. But it was quite funny, wasn't it? I don't mind that, but... That's what I wanted. Torres Truffle Crisps, that's my smack. I love crisps. No, I think the last time I smoked weed, something really weird happened to my brain.

And the next day I said to the person who'd given it to me, what was that? And she went, oh, it's called Skywalker. And I said, I shouldn't be smoking weed that has a name. I need weed. Bog standard weed. If it gets a name, don't let it anywhere near me. Okay. I'm just going to...

A similar thing happened to me once in India. Shout out for it. No, there's a couple of shouts, because a few people know this story, and this is what I like to call my icebreaker story, and what I'm going to actually call this, this will be the end breaker story. If we can get those motherfuckers to shut the fuck up,

we'll carry on. In India, played a show in India. I think it was 2011 or something, my old death metal band, we'd split up and we had a major fan in India who was really rich. And he was like, if I pay for everything, will you come and play one gig in India?

And we were like in New Delhi. And we were like, fuck yeah, we will. So we do it. And it's like at a uni. And it was like 5, 6,000 people. It was fucking, and they just wanted, they didn't have much live music. I think we were the fifth band to ever go there and play, ever to go to India and play heavy music. And it was like Metallica Megadef.

like someone else and then Silosis Tesseract. It was like the guy was into big shout out for all of those bands, set Megadeth. Dave Mustaine sucks. So then, so he's like a fan. We go, we play the show, everything's sick, we finish. The promoter goes, you guys smoke weed. At that time, I smoked weed. It was before I broke my brain.

They were like, do you want some weed? I was like, fuck it. And he was like, you want the good stuff or the bad stuff? can I have the good stuff it's a weird offer I later found out why since then I've always asked for the bad stuff get the good stuff

smoke a joint whatever having a time played a show it's very nice we've had a lovely time we're at the venue in this point we smoke the weed snap into consciousness just as I ejaculate

looking myself, this is 100% serious, looking myself in the eye, in the mirror, with a bidet on a stick, like a hose thing, blasting water up my ass. Snapped into consciousness as I come. And I just went, whoa. And I was in my hotel room a mile from where the venue was.

Go on. Next time you do stand up, you need to tell that story. And the punchline is, and from then on, I asked for the bad stuff. And that's all. Nice, nice. I actually wasn't, originally I was going to lead with that. And then I thought about this as a, there's now a business conversation. From a business point of view, these people, these people will be coming to the next one.

And I wanted to give them something new. That was going to be something new. Right, yeah, yeah, that's great. You served me up there with the, like, the good stuff bad. But yeah, and then it was like the mile between the two things I can't remember anything could have done anything I could be I'm terrified to go back to India in case it's like a wanted poster I have no idea what I did Next day I spoke to the guy that gave me the weed. I was like what the fuck was in the good stuff Wait no no I came back to the venue I walked back our bassist was there like rocking back and forward

I was like bro you just got to go have a wank Like you just have to go have a wank everything's fine now then the next day or whatever he didn't have the wank and I don't think he's ever smoked weed again and then the next day I spoke to the guy that gave me the weed does that guy not wanked since I think he's wanking

but I don't think he's weeding anyway the next day I speak to the guy that gave me the weed I was like what the fuck was in the good stuff and he was like oh you know like Angel Dust and I went Angel Dust like the Faith No More album as in PCP

the drug that people like repeatedly rip toilets off their hinges and go out and rape people and stuff. And he was like, yeah. And I was like, okay, you gave me PCB. That explains a lot. No idea what I did for that hour. I'm a nice guy though. We can hypothesize maybe I just fucking went and wanked with bricks or something.

I don't know. There was something reasonable, but yeah. That's why I don't do drugs. That sort of story is. why I don't do drugs, thank you. I have stopped. But it was fun. You're like one of those guys you stopped doing drugs

and just started working out instead, right? Desperately at the gym every day going, this is a bit like Coke. If I do it every day, all week, then it sort of feels like one line. Says it like there was no crossover. You ever taken Coke before going to the gym? Nobody can sue me for that.

Don't try it. Don't try it. I lifted a lot of weight that day. I think that's, I was done. What's the rest? I really need a piss as well. Okay, your podcast, you end on dessert. If it's a Christmas one, you talk about Christmas,

we don't have to talk about that. No Christmas. No dessert, we're done. That's it. I want to say, it's been a lot of fun, guys. So much fun. As a pro podcast,

Did you have as much fun as one of yours? I'm a lot more relaxed at this one. I probably had more fun to be honest. No pressure. I've had a lot of fun. But the live ones are tense, right? We did some live ones and then it's quite nervy, but then you realise everyone from... You had like 1,200 people?

Yeah, to be fair. I looked at the figures and that's why I knew this was a fucking home run because if I didn't sell it out on me, I just announced him. But it worked. They're here. Yeah, good. I want to say big thank you. say big thank you to Ed Gamble for coming on the downbeat. Cheers guys. Thank you.

Unbelievable thank you to all of you. I appreciate you so much. I appreciate everyone at Signature Brew, everyone involved. That's it. I'm going to go and pee. He's going to pee. Hopefully we get to do it like some sort of like a row of peeing. And I'm going to drink much more.

And then we'll go, I'll be at merch. We'll have a little chat. Give it up for God. Craig! Thank you.