The Downbeat - Thomson Tattoos: THE SEQUEL

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

Back by popular demand and live from COVID-19 lockdown: diarreah enthusiast and tattoo artist Will Thomson. We talk about his plans to become Susan Boyle's toyboy and the troubles associated with having a ginormous pecker. It's very rude. Soz. Stay safe everyone.

If anyone's wondering how I'm doing, I've just re-recorded this intro three times because I didn't think I was funny enough or didn't think I sounded okay or I didn't think, basically my self-worth is at zero to the point where I can't actually start a podcast intro. That's how I'm dealing with Corona. How about you? Can't play the drums. Can't get skin fade. Can't record a podcast intro without thinking, I sound like a twat. Yeah. I hope you're doing better than that.

Hopefully this delightful episode of which we speak nothing about music will somewhat brighten up your day. Still in lockdown in the UK, depending on where you are. I think either your lockdown has started or is halfway through. I don't think anywhere's finished, unless we've got any listeners from Wuhan, China. If we do, then please continue the production of the Wuhan, China.

a symbol because they were a big staple in the early 2000s of the breakdown. Big, the big, in fact, Wuhan should be protected at all costs because of their impact on the breakdown in heavy music. Now I'm rambling. My guest this week is Will Thompson, the tattoo artist. He's back. He's just a horrible person to speak to. Just crass. A crass little boy, which hopefully means is entertaining. We talked about how he plans to be Susan Boyles. What's the word?

Toy boy. We talk about how big his dick is and the problems that entails. He's also got a tattoo on a more business side of things. I'm trying to maybe get some of my friends who are also fucked from the coronavirus on here. He's running a promotion right now. You can buy a tattoo voucher that has no expiry for £100 an hour and he gets more done in an hour than most people do in two hours. It has no expiry date.

You support him and you get a sick tattoo. He's done all the work on my neck, that big wolf on my stomach. He's very good. His Instagram is at Thompson tattoos. He also, while you're getting your neck tattooed, He will make you laugh and think that you've impaled your jugular, but luckily you'll survive. And it heals up super, super good, but that's mainly because I'm the king of healing. I'm the healing man.

I am basically Wolverine, but instead of... No, there's nothing there. I've got nothing, guys. Corona has robbed me of my analogies. And that is what the history books will say was the real price of the virus. Thanks for everyone to picked up a hoodie. Oh, that was seamless. That was sort of like an Alan Partridge meets Radio One.

Yes, I'll keep this one. Yes, maybe I'm funny. Maybe I'm still funny. I'm clinging on. Thanks to everyone who picked up a hoodie. They have been sent out, which is a miracle. I sensed the lockdown and I got everything printed super early. They've been sent out.

I think they started getting sent out today, which is Monday the 30th. So hopefully, depending on how many of your postings, have perished. It depends when you'll get it. Actually, of course, I hope no postmen have really perished. They are doing the Lord's work. And I don't mean God. I mean the Dark Lord Satan himself. Praise be to him. And also to you guys. If you didn't pick one up, there is still some stuff left. Or there's like a donate button. Some people have been doing the donate button, which has been very well appreciated. I don't think that's a sentence.

And also maybe I'll use some of the money to buy English lessons. What I'm going to do, I'm just going to ramble until the jingle starts because it will mean less editing. This is currently, I'm in the session from the last episode I did. So if I ramble just a tiny

bit more, just about like rambling for a couple more seconds, will, Thompson on the downbeat podcast. Hello, mate. All right.

What's going on, mate? Fucking Corona, isn't it? Well, I just came back from the shops. Yeah, I went post office. Have you been to a proper shop at the moment? Like Tesco? No, I'm avoiding the big ones, man, because there's loads of little ones around me,

and they've got everything. Mate, the big ones are like, you have to, you can't, only one person per household can go in. You need to grab a basket. disinfect it, go in and there's like tape on the floor where you can and can't go when you get to the checkout you need to be like...

How many people can go into the shop or once though? I don't know, there's only about 12 fucking people in there. Fucking hell. I properly think, you know, like the media keeps posting like, everyone's not taking lockdown seriously. I think actually they are and they're just making sure that they're blaming the public so that when everything goes tits up,

they can say, well, it wasn't us. Yeah, they've left it way to do. no fucker in that Tesco. There was no one in there. Did they actually have stock and shit? I got almost everything I need, but because I'm in Glasgow, right? A couple of things I've noticed. Glasgow people will not buy diet coke. So there's loads of diet Coke left. There's no...

Anything that has like a... I had to get a tin of beans. There's no normal beans, but all of the reduced salt beans are there. Yeah, that's what it's like... With the pasta, there's like fucking tons of... whole wheat pasta, but all the normal pasta's gone. It's like, oh, it's too healthy, too healthy for us, boomers. I'll tell you what, there's shitloads of vegan stuff. All the vegan stuff's still there.

I've got up here, they do Simon Howie Butchers, right? It's a but it's fucking, they do a vegan, like, haggis, black pudding, sausage, fucking dinner thing. and it's so fucking good. Anyway, all of those. All of those are there. That's shit, didn't they? Anything that's fucking remotely healthy for Scottish people is a no-go.

That's a blanket term, but I think judging from my shop today, yes, you are right. And both my parents being Glasgow, I'm allowed to say it as well. You might have to turn your airports down very slightly because I can hear myself echoing a little bit. How did, hang on.

Just your AirPods, not anything crazy. Right. How's that? Hello. Yeah, that's perfect. So is your job completely fucked? Is it as fucked as mine? Do you know what?

Yeah. I thought it was for a minute. But apparently today they're doing some fucking announcement for self-employed people where you can get up to like, you know, the 80% pay thing. So you'll be in the same boat. They can give you up to, basically. some of your tax returns up to like 2,400 pound a month. So because my attach returns, I pay a fucking lot,

it's just going to be the full fucking whack. Is it based on last year's? Or is it based on what this year's? I think she's based on your general average over however many tax 20 times. So in that vein, I am fucking loving it because I stole a lava lamp the other day and now I mainly just look at the ceiling

and then alternate between. looking at my ceiling and looking at my lava lamp until I get tired and then go to bed and then wake up and look at the ceiling and my lava lamps and more. It's pretty good, man. I wish I could sleep and then I could enjoy that with you. Last night was rough for me. I had to fucking

pop a Zopper clone at 3am just because I couldn't sleep. And then now, today I'm in like a fucking zombie mode. But it was either that or just not sleeping today would be a total right-off. But then that gets me worried. I freak of, yeah, thank you. Thanks, Mr Posty.

I freak out at the fact, like, not being able to go to the doctors and get any, like, because I've got, like, prescribed stuff. Like, I freak out about not being able to get it. Yeah, but you can still get all that shit, apparently, man. You just got, you just got to email them and say, I'm out, and then they just fucking send you it out. Really? Yeah, because I was chatting to a dude yesterday that had, like, heartman.

And obviously that's pretty fucking important shit. And he's saying, oh man, I've only got two weeks left on my, on my prescription. And everybody was like, oh yeah, we've run out prescriptions. And they make sure you don't run out. You just send them an email and say, like, I need it. I need my prescription to run out. And now you send it straight to you.

That's pretty sick. Yeah. Maybe I should be. Because obviously doctors are the one place. My problem is I'm in fucking Glasgow. And my doctor is in England. that's the only thing but they're still sending it

yeah yeah right I don't know well that shit anyway it's fucking it's air max day mate it's your birthday

it is air max day I've just I put up three of my favorite favorite air maxes today on my little personal page I did see it your personal page

it doesn't follow me back which is interesting I don't really I only follow sneaker sneaker people and people who get their tities out on that it's fine it's fine it's fine although recently you've been

slapping them tities out You what? You've been slapping the tities out recently. Every fucking time I see you, you got your top off. Oh my shit. Mate, it's lockdown. And I'm actually getting quite ripped, so there's no need for t-shirts. Well, it's fucking cold.

And you're in Scotland. Also, I can't post any drum content because A, I can't get to a drum kit, and B, if I post anything, it kind of makes me annoyed and depressed. about the whole situation of all of my tours canceling or whatever. So the only other thing that gets engagement on Instagram is a kinky shit. So, you know, I'm just going down that vibe.

Fair plain. You got any strong dick picks been sent to you yet? From you? No. Yours is the strongest. Oh, wait. I have actually sent you that one, haven't I? Yeah.

Biggest dong in, biggest dong in England? It is pretty fucking big, isn't it? They're in that photo as well. My mate asked me for it yesterday. My mate Rich was like, just text me out the blue like, mate, send me a picket dick. And I was like, I don't know why. Only men want to see my penis.

Yeah, it's not the best way to do it. So, but tattooing has stopped. Yeah. Forever. So if you own your shop. Yeah. How does Is it Sasha, the other girl that works in there?

Yeah. Does she get paid like an employee or is she self-employed? She's self-employed. Right. We're also. And you don't have any like desk staff or whatever. No, we've got nothing man because it's such a small shop,

isn't it? So it's just me, Sasha, Josh, Gemma and everyone just does her and stuff. So really everyone just has to look out for themselves and you don't have to do it. Because I can't imagine what the fucking paperwork is like... The next step is just waiting for tonight's announcement on self-employed.

But if that goes through, I'm fucking laughing, mate. Because I'm living for free in my flat. But are you not fucking bored? No, mate. I never get a chance to just sit down and do fuck all. And because I'm by myself. I'm literally by myself. I'm just like, I've got an end of it.

I just started playing Zelda Arcor Arena of Time again Just been doing dumb shit on the fucking internet man I haven't even had a wank I don't even enjoy my own I think I just don't enjoy my own company I don't mind it man I just listen to music

What about Ellie? Where's Ellie? What? She's still working man Because she's a key worker Because she's a carer So she's staying at her mums Because I was like

Don't bring that shit in here. So I've got fucking minimum three weeks to just sit about. I've set up a bed in front of my TV because my N64's wired and I've just been playing fucking Zelda for the past day and a half.

And you don't have any kind of existential dread about the future? None. I wish. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Okay, so why do you? Because I'm the world's biggest warrior.

Yeah. But what are you worried about? Your tours are going to get rearranged. You don't know when, but it'll happen. But until that point, because in theory, are you self-employed? Yeah. So don't worry about it. As of literally this evening, you could be getting two and a half grand a month

for literally doing fuck all. And your outgoings will be so low because you're not spending any money. No, my outgoings are a mortgage and bills on, one house and then rent on another place. You can freeze them. You can get a mortgage relief as well. I looked into

this is fucking boring. I literally can't be asked. It is. Let's talk funny shit. What's happened recently? Anyway, anyone listening to this, give me some fucking money. Yeah, and me actually. You've done any funny shit? Well, you just said you're fine, mate. Yeah, but I'm not going to say no to fucking free money,

am I? Did you did you manage to get duck camo air max today? No, but I have the OGs so I don't really care. I just didn't wake up because I was I was on a sleeping pill which led me to wake up at 11 and it already happened. I was some sleeping pills, man.

I got these cheeseburgers man. Got these cheeseburgers. I'll suck your dick. But I haven't seen that movie in ages. It's good film, man. It's a fucking classic. What you've been up to anyway? You got any funny stories?

Why do you keep sounding like you're obviously to the microphone probably doesn't? But it sounds like you're just putting one of your AirPods in your mouth every now and again. Well, they're in my ears. I don't know. Have you got a hood up? No, but I've got headphones over my earpods. Now, fuck those. You don't need those.

You're not in Joe Rogan. Are you joking? Have you heard my conspiracies? Right. Is that your headphones off? Yeah. Yeah, that's a bit better. I'll take that.

Whatever. Funny shit. Way better. Mate, to be honest. Cool shit happened? I wouldn't really say cool shit. I'd just say like, nah.

I organised my wires yesterday. That was pretty fun. What you mean your wires? I had a go at tattooing yesterday on fake skin. It's fucking hard, eh. Mate, I can't do it. I can do it if I do like Will Thompson-style trad just hammer it in. But otherwise I can't get a straight line.

Unless I'm quick, I can't get a straight line. Yeah, but if you're too quick or right, it just won't go into skin. Yeah. It's very, I've got a newfound appreciation for it. Well. Because it's very different. It's not just like drawing on skin,

it you've got to watch the fucking needle and how much of it's going in and all that shit and you can't lean on the fucking what's the bit where the needle goes into as if it was like a pen nib what's the plastic oh yeah the little tip the little tip thing because i yeah i just want to jam that right in no fuck that man you'll kill someone Sam tattooed amber when he was down Did it go over where I'm going to tattoo I'm practicing on this skin So I can do a little fucking keepsake

A little Corona keepsake What you can get Little bog roll with 2020 underneath it Nice What if it goes on though 2021 I'll just add 2021 underneath it and just have like

You can just keep having dates The World Tour What they're called the crosses that people put on their wool when they're in jail. You know, you get four and then the line across for five. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tally, a little tally.

A tally, that is what it's called. Mate, my wolf is still literally the blackest thing on my stomach ever. Do you know why? Because it's got a fucking cancer ink. Pretty much, yeah. Go on. It's got the full-on cancer ink.

what is it called triple black no triple black dynamic triple black the black is black but also the most the most castanogenic red blood cell

destroying cancer ink in the world is it actually have they banned it it's confirmed yeah yeah so you know they thought it was only one or two bottles right they had um you know like when they do like turkey dinosaurs

and they've got like little bits of fucking shrapnel from World War II in them and they have to recall them. They did that with the bottles. I mean, not really, but go on. Well, they did the bottle numbers and I checked my batch number and the batch number that I've blasted your whole fucking stomach with

is just pure cancer. So what happens now with that then? Basically, what happens is right? It'll attack your red blood cells and then you get cancer and then you die. How long? I think it's said between like two to three months I mean

you've been about two I'm joking mate it's fine you might well we're gonna die we might even die a fucking coronavirus mate oh mate I can't be asked to die of this shit there's no zombies it's not even fun yeah it's not fun is it imagine if there were zombies and like actually you had to go out and get a gun

and shit and kill zombies it would be fun until I decided to just blow my fucking brains out at the end. Imagine, yeah. You've just got to be careful of killing old people. Yeah. I'm already careful of killing old people. I would like an added threat, yeah.

Like every time you leave your house, Michael Barrymore just starts running towards you and you've got as long as you can do to buy what you need to do before he can reach you. Otherwise, why is he Barrymore? He just drowns you because he's good at... Oh, drowning. Yeah.

Didn't he get... That didn't happen though? Or is it, we'll never know what happened. Pick someone better than Barrymore because we've got a lot of US listeners. For anyone who's listening, Michael Barrymore was a TV presenter who they found a dead guy in his swimming pool

and no one really knows how the guy died. But there was. No one really knows in speech marks. Michael Barrymore's seaman was in the man's ass, which is fine. but that led people to think that he drowned in but I'm they're probably just fucked up on drugs

aren't they? I'm pretty sure a party at Barrymore's Yard is just nonstop fucking sex and then drugs Yeah I wonder if he calls it his yard Yeah come around my yard

He's like come around our crib later We're having a little sex and fucking drug swim pool party Yeah so Death by Misadventure It sounds like a good time though to be honest. That's how I'm going to go.

Death by Misadventure. Yeah, but I'd want someone more important than Barrymore, like Susan Boyle. If I could drown in her pussy, I'm sorted. Susan Boyle? Yeah. I've got a theory, right? Do you want to hear my life goal

after all this corona shit? So, Susan Boyle is worth more than the rapper future. And the rapper future has got a lot of fucking cool shit, right? So I looked up her next. worth. Guess how much Susan Boyle's worth? I don't know.

Bear in mind like Travis Scott and that's like 18 million. And Travis Scott's like a fucking worldwide trap star. Right. How much is Susan Boyle worth? 28 million pounds. Right? So she lives in a

fucking bungalow with her cats. So I'm thinking. Yeah. Yeah. She's just in a fucking bungalow with her cats. right? And she's just sitting on buck. And obviously no one's going to fuck her. So what I want to do is just find out where she likes or I don't know what the fuck she does, goes to buy crystals or whatever.

And just bump into her and be like, oh, you're Susan Boyle. I'm a big, big, big fan. Get to be friendly with her. All you'd have to do is realistically eat her out once and then she'd be in love with you. and then you could just slowly poison her with rice in or something and then seven months down the line you've got 28 mil and all you've had to do is you need two years take you from someone who's getting divorced mate

and you need to be with her for two years okay well that's doable to get any of her sweet sweet money well we're currently all sat inside for three months so if I can do that do you not think she might already have a partner have you no but then i did see i googled it and i saw like her hanging out with this young guy so i think he's beating me to the fucking chase i i'm i hate to do this to you mate you're fucked she's a practicing roman catholic you're not going to eat her out you're not going to

mott out susan boyle because she's a roman catholic you need to get married first yeah that's fine that that that that solidifies the money even more In November 2014 it was reported that Boyle was dating her first boyfriend who was around the same age as she was. No. Really? Also, why are you so convinced no one wants to love her? Because she's just like got no experience, man. I bet her head game is whack.

Like if you're going to date an older woman, you're going to want to date an older woman for the basis that maybe she could give you wild dumb. But if she's not sucked a dick before and she's only... you petted cats, I can imagine A, she's really bad at sucking dick, and B, she probably gives a hand job like she was stroking a cat. And I can imagine this is bad, so that's why no one's going for it, but that's where the gap in the market comes for this 28 million pounds. It's a foolproof plan, man, and I'm going to be more attractive than whatever 58-year-old man she's currently fornicating with.

I don't know. I would say you and Susan Boyle are on pretty similar tears. Yeah, I'd say we're a good match. We're a match made in heaven. She's, she just needs like a little facebanger. Like maybe above her eyebrow. Maybe like mix it up. So she's got a different, like, Britain's Got Talent winner on there or whatever.

She's got like Ildevo tattooed on her face. Yeah, that'd be good. Well, they were they? They're winning on Britain's Got Talent, were they? I don't know. Italy's got talent. No, but I swear they're just like a massive band. Like fucking, what's Enrique and Glazes is that?

Julio and Glazias. He's just like a big dude, isn't he? And he just, everyone loves him. All right. Yeah. But anyway, so. Underwrap. Are you still going on about this?

No, I was going to just say to you, what's going on with the whole makeup and wigs and fucking nail varnish and shit? being bored in quarantine mate i tell you what it was was um just getting bored and i was like just every misses i've ever had i've been like just do me in full like because i love

ruPaul's drag race i was just like just do me in full drag just fucking do me i want to see what it looks like because you see on ruPaul's drag race you see like what looks like some just normal looking bloke and then they do it up and i'm like yeah definitely and he would. So I was like, let's have a go, see if we make me fit. Ends up we can't because of my little man lips.

Got tiny little... Oh, I've got the whamest lips, man. You have got... That's what lip linens for, this. It's what lip line is for. Yeah, but still, I got no top lip. Anyway, so yeah, we did that, and it was exhilarating. I thought I put that on the internet.

Then the next day we had nothing to do, but she used to do nail... She used to work in a nail bar, so she did one of my... I've got a gel manny on one of my hands. And now we've run out of stuff to do. You know what you could do? Oh, I know yesterday she got sent some stuff because obviously she's a suicide girl and people send her stuff to take photos in.

She got like some harnesses and shit. So that's what the photo yesterday with me with the dog collar on. I like that. But like it's annoying because I'm basically, I'm so bored. I'm just putting it out on the internet as if I love all this weird shit. But the dog collar shit does nothing for me and I wish it did because it's right there.

I wish I had some mad kink with it. I think that I don't. The next logical step is you've got to tuck the cock and balls between the legs and take a full naked selfie mate with the wig on and harness. I need to get all the makeup on again and it was a real fucking challenge. She did a great job but it took fucking forever. mate you looked beautiful I like the wig as well

my eyes my eyes and the hair I need a better wig but my eyes eyes upward fit girl eyes upwards not good and also I'm like

I'm a little bit fucking quarantine ripped at the moment so my shoulders were just fucking popping out I look like China yeah yeah yeah I saw that you actually kind of did I on the other hand

I'm also quarantine ripped because I'm not even drinking fucking beers at the moment. So I'm absolutely shredded. Wait, you are not drinking in this quarantine. No, I haven't had a drink for 13 days today. Wow, well done. Why is that? Because I realised I spend probably like 1,500 pound a month in the pub. So it was just to do with money?

Yeah, because I was shook obviously before, because they didn't announce anything for the self-employed, I was like, fuck, what am I going to do? So as soon as this, like, Grant comes in, mate, I'm fucking, I'm getting pissed up in my house. Oh, you're getting back on it. Yeah. So when they announced the lockdown, I basically got,

it was over my birthday and stuff anyway. Well, the self-isolation shit, so I just been drinking every night, like doing cocktails and shit. And then the last two nights, I've been, Not drinking and all my fucking PTSD about sleeping and shit just came back. And I realized yesterday, I was like, you know what? I'm just going to fucking treat this lockdown as if it's a European bus tour. And I'm just going to get drunk every night because I'd much rather be slightly alcoholic and be sleeping.

Plus. Then go back to my not sleeping and end up just fucking binging myself off. Plus, you might as well, man, because there's nothing else to do. The only reason I'm not is because I've, I've got only very expensive whiskeys in my house. Like, you know, my whiskey shelf that I have in my front room. Oh, Air Max and whiskey. No, because, yeah, I don't want to fucking just blast through all that

and then go, ah, fuck. So maybe I might go and buy, like, a fucking multi-pack of Corona or something. Since that's the only fucking beer left. Mate, there was loads of beer in the fucking... In Tesco. Shitloads of stuff. Hey, Tesco around here? Brudog sent me, I just fucking tweeted him out of blue,

was just like, oh, remember when you said you were going to send me shit and you didn't? And then they just sent me, like, I think they sent me 32 beers. And delivered. I'm going to do. Hand delivered. And not honestly, it was a brood guy that delivered it. What a small...

A small man from Leeds had run on horseback. Well, it's not Leeds, is it? It's Glasgow. And I'm in Glasgow. What, it's Brew Dog from Glasgow? Yeah, or Scotland, but they're doing a thing now where if you've got a Brew dog Brewery, I think, in your district, they will hand-deliver you the beer. And I got coffee beans delivered today from the actual roaster

because everyone is shitting it because they ain't got any money, so everyone's going back to hand-delivering. Yeah, I saw a shitload of Italian restaurants and that selling pasta before they were to close. I ordered sushi and it turned up from a nice place that I usually get it from. it turned up and it literally just smelled like fucking foreskin. It was, there's no way unless there was a global pandemic that any sushi chef, sushi's chef that, like, cared about their shit would ever let that go out.

It smelled like just a big bag of dicks got delivered. I paid £42 for the pleasure of gaining a big bag of dicks. And because I felt so bad, originally I asked for a refund and they didn't do it. And then I felt so bad. I was like, you know what? I just feel bad for the company. I'm just not going to bother. So I paid £42 for literally nothing.

What, did he not even eat it? Mate, it smelled like fucking old ogre cock. It smelled like Shrek's dick. Nice. Not nice. Well, I've just been eating microwave rice in wraps with no sauce. It's great. But you're that kind of person anyway.

Like her on with now. I went shopping today. Got a lot of like nutritious stuff, smoothies or whatever and then on the way back she's like I just want to stop into this little premiere in or whatever comes back out chips sticks frazzles three different types of fucking

little cakes it was like a kid had been given their mum's wallet and told to go to the shop well yeah that's pretty much what my entire cupboard looks like to be honest fair

can't lie can't lie but yeah tell me some funny shit what's been going on with you man other than you you started fucking self-isolating early man yeah because I knew people were going to die are you sure it's not just because you're living with a hot girl I mean that as well yeah well I came up here which was kind of like self-isolating anyway

and then the minute I saw how many people were just dying in Italy I was like, probably staying and stop in case I'm spreading it and kill all people. I still went out to like get stuff. Do you know what I don't get about the whole Italy thing? So they've been on lockdown for like what? Three weeks a month? I have no idea.

How are they still getting like, they're getting still like 5,000 new cases a day? Because they're only just testing people. The cases aren't brand new. It's just people getting tested. Right. Mate, well, I live alone, so I know I ain't getting it. I'm happy to just fucking perish in my flat

and come out looking like Christine Bale and the machinist. I'd almost rather get it out the way now because I feel like they're saying, like four in five people will get it over the next two years. Just get it out of the way now. Especially while we're young and healthy. I ain't healthy But

I swallowed a shit Some fucking Young people are dying from it Apparently Yeah so they got like Fucking age I'm underlying I mean

Yeah true No but there was two yesterday Well apparently there was two yesterday Yeah I saw some chick that was like 21 That just kicked it That Had no underlying health issues Just kicked it

She just kicked it She just fucking kicked it Well No No No No Yeah, I mean, the thing is, it doesn't, I'm not scared of it.

I'm just bored. I'm not scared of it, but I'm not yet bored, but I am, I only started self-isolating on Sunday. So I've only been going, what is it now, Thursday? I've only been going fucking four or five days. I'm on day 10, and to be honest, I was having a lovely time until two days ago. So. Yeah.

I was actually having the, best time. And in fact, today, I'm actually having quite a nice day today. My problem is not sleeping. If I don't sleep, it reminds me of the time when I didn't sleep and then I'd start thinking real dark shit. Well, mate, you'll be sorted out tomorrow, wouldn't you? I got you some goodies in the post. I'm just going to fucking... Yeah, I've decided I'd rather be happy and just mildly addicted to whatever substance help me sleep than not here. That's it. If you can keep getting them, then just fucking, if you, if you go forever, you're fine. It's when you stop, you're not fine. Yeah, that's the thing that worries me. Do you know what I fucking hate during

this whole thing? What? Um, those tag the challenges, tagging fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, see 10, do 10, do 10 push-ups. I've, I've literally, a hundred and 25 push-ups a day, motherfucker. Fuck you. I've been tagged in none of them because I know people, People are scared to tag me in them because I will just outdo every cut. Although I'm little. I just get tagged in them all as that. I'm compact, yeah.

I reckon I could bang 700 press-ups in one go. Probably do... I literally just got tagged. I literally just got tagged in one right now. Number one, you could not do 700 press-ups in one go. I keep getting tagged in stage face ones. What's that? Oh, like, ones where you're supposed to share your, like, worst photo

of you playing live, but everyone shares one which definitely isn't their worst photo. It's just like, ha ha, I pull the craziest faces and they're there looking like fucking Zoolander. Whereas if I put one up,

I'd be literally looking like fucking doing pills. Nah, you're like the most fucking vain cunt. I know, you'd just be like, oh yeah. Exactly, that's why I'm not doing it. That's why I'm not doing it because I wouldn't be doing it correctly.

Couldn't get any of my face. Couldn't get any of my face today. So here's one of my back looking like a fucking owl. Yeah. I've got some fucking,

I've got some good fucking good bathroom nudes. Oh, send us some dickpicks, man. I've not had one, I've not had one nude for the whole fucking

quarantine so far from anyone. If I only got a dick pit. I'll send you a nude though. You want to see what bod I'm working with? Yeah. Should I send you it right now? Yeah,

do it. I've got my phone to hand. Um, I'll obviously return the favour Get you a good one You want to see what I'm working with right now It's fucking glorious Here we go

Imagine that on top here More behind you in your case actually I was going to say Uh Matt I'm still waiting To be honest It's coming through now I'll just show Jagged it takes ages

There's more megabytes Yeah More megabytes It's like a gig of fucking pure traps. Oh, I got my traps tattooed the other day by old fucking Moorsy boy. Old Moorsy? Old Moorsy, how is he? He was alright, yeah.

I love Moores, man. Yeah, he said you're in him party quite a lot. I can't figure out. Yeah, he knows how to drink, and I know how to drink, so it always ends well. Oh, I've got the picture. No. Like, fucking, yeah. Mate, your wolf's looking great.

Isn't it? See how black it is? It's unbelievable. Yeah. You look like a pussy, though. Yeah, bullshit. I'm going to send it. I'm going to return a favor.

You wish that was banged up against you. I'm going to send you a nude of mine now. Which I'm pretty sure you already have, but you can have it again. It's just a gigantic cop one. That's it. Well, you'll see in a second, weren't you? This was taking even longer. it says that you're...

Oh, we're fucking. Oh my God. The way that you put the thumb in for size, it's fucking, it's literally, it's just an outrageous photo. It's just the biggest dick I've ever seen. And it's your own. Do you go actively searching for bigger dicks?

Right. Any time, any time I see my friends that are girls, I'm like, yo, show me all the dick pics you've been sent recently. Just because I like to see, like, I like to judge guys' angles. I like to see what they're doing with their, like, fory. Some dudes say weird, horrible ones. It annoys me when people, like, send a black and white one, that's my biggest pet peeve. I mean, my biggest pet peeve is an unsolicited one,

but my second biggest pet peeve is when they've put filters on it and made it black and white. Yeah. But I, um, I just like. to compare dick pics, man. All right, so go on. I mean, here's the thing. Do you not ever just run into issues with that piece? In what way?

So I know a bunch of girls that are sex workers, right? And if they're getting... If they're getting... Like, they're going to do like a shoot or something and they'll watch videos of the guy before and they'll be like fuck I don't know if it's if his piece is too big for me

does that not happen to you? Yeah Yeah Yeah About anyone just go Nope Sometimes I'll get it out and girls are literally just like Nah that's not going to happen

But they give it their best shot It's just they've got to look on their face Like I'm fucking What are you doing that situation? What are you doing that situation? squatting on hot knives, mate. They've just got to grin and bear it if they want to.

I think a lot of the time they get it out and it's like the devil on their shoulders going, the angel's like, mate, no, just go on, just give it, give it a lick and then go.

But then the devil's like, the devil's like, I reckon you could do that, you know? And they go, fuck it, actually. I'll give it a shot.

And then they're lower down and their faces are like, like agony. But. Yeah. I'm, about to send you the greatest dick pick that I've been sent of a girl who is the greatest dick pick she got sent and you're going to fucking love it.

So this is an actual... Why have I got so many of other people's dicks on my phone? Because actually, because when my friends get unsolicited dickpicks, they then send them to me and we do have a little discussion. All my friends to send me dick kids. If anyone's listening and you're the sort of person that does that, no one likes it and everyone talks about your little dick, okay? It's a fucking stop it.

True. Oh my fucking good God. How good is that? Look, I don't want to dick shame anyone, but if he is... It's all fory. Was that an unsolicited picture that he sent to her? I'm not sure on the entire background. All I know is, now all I know is it was her housemate's friend.

So I think that... I almost don't believe it. Her housemate had gone, he's got a tiny dick, got him to send it to him, and then he showed it to her, and then she sent it to me. So it's a fucking outrageous pipe, isn't it? It's just like, it looks like it's all skin. It's all filler, no killer. You know what's crazy about the whole thing?

There's a serious amount of growback on his stomach, so at one point he's fully bare naked shaved himself. Like a little, little giant baby man. And he's got a proper fooper as well. That fat upper pussy area. Fat upper pussy area, you know,

like where your pubes are. I thought that was called a gun. That is also called a gun. It's the same same. And you took us fucking 40 minutes to get into the real spicy stuff. Yeah, no,

no, I think a gun is more, I think a gunn is more when, um, when you tuck your stomach, Like, you know when you reach that certain level of fat and then you see like they tuck their stomach into their trousers?

America fat. Yeah, but why do they do that? Because they're going to have to buy trousers that are bigger than their waist that make them look bigger and then they've got just half their stomach where their dick should be. I've noticed the first time I went to America. I've never seen, there's like, it's like, you know how there's those cows where they gave them,

some gene where they could grow twice as much muscle. Yeah. In America, I believe, like, a big gulp of Baha blast, Mountain Dew or something, allows humans to grow twice as much fat as physically possible. The amount of times you see someone to come out, I don't want a fat shame anyone, but it's the culture of the country that's the problem. It's 99 cents for literally two liters of Mountain Dew. and that is, I think I count it in one,

so it's like 600 grams of sugar. You get diabetes in like three of those. That's unacceptable. And that's like just a meal deal option, isn't it? And then you're getting the piece of shit meal on top of that as well. Yeah. And that's why, you know the joke about people saying like buying a McDonald's and then getting a Diet Coke?

And everyone's like, why are you bothering with a Diet Coke? It's actually about 550 less calories and 100 grams of sugar less. You're fucking moron. But to be fair Mackey's is pretty fucking trash anyway man It's the worst Talked about it on the last podcast Last time I ate McDonald's was April 2018

I ate it twice in one day And then before that was 2013 Last time was that really You know when I was in Nottingham with you and Will Like just after Christmas or just before Christmas I can't remember Yeah And me and Will went to that drum and bass thing

And you fucking pussyed out we had a McDonald's at about 5 o'clock in the morning and I just had chips and even the chips were horrible, man. Yeah, so I don't fuck with... I pussyed out. I pussyed out. I couldn't be bothered to go to a fucking jungle night. A kid's jungle night.

It was really good, man. Children's jungle night. I saw your videos because your story was fucking super long of you just drunk filming the DJ at fucking... I weren't even drunk. I'd been drinking tap water all night. I was really drunk before that. We went to Rock City for a couple, like, minutes.

I drank a couple blue WKDs. And then Will Jordan was just going around asking everybody what time Limp Biscuit was playing and on what stage, and everyone looked so confused that we just left. Interesting. It was a strong night, Craig. You missed out.

What are you doing for the rest of the day? I, oh my God. I've got a pub date later with my friend, with Will, who you know. So there's this app here. Online pub. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious. What on that Zoom thing? You know Zoom?

I don't know what Zoom is, but I've been seeing you around. So Zoom is like a fucking, it's like Skype, yeah. But bare locations since they've closed, like loads of pubs locally have added, like, photos of their pubs on there. So it's the background, like a green screen. And you can like pretend just sat in the pub and just drink a beer and just chat to each other on, FaceTime or whatever So I've got a pub date

I'm actually I'm actually going to have a shower for it And I might drink my first drink in two weeks And then it's a downhill from there That's when the quarantine fucking depression sets in And I realize life's not as good as I thought it was right now I just have to go on my lava lamp Maybe it was the drinking

That took me down a peg but it's actually two days of not drinking that's made me depressed, so I'm getting back on it. Yeah, you've got to keep at it. Mate, you've got to do one or the other. You've got to go full hog on the fucking alcohol and drugs or just drink squash and look at your ceiling. I would just like it all to be over?

I can't see it just after three weeks. They go, oh, actually, yeah, it's fine now. Everything's cool. Mate, it's going to be so much longer than three weeks. I reckon it's going to be 12 weeks, and even then when they do, reintroduce like like oh yeah you can go out to see your pals

it's going to be like limited as fuck. I've just seen that my fucking triple sex not getting delivered till Saturday. That you're what? What the fuck am I supposed to drink? It's orange liqueur so I can make margarias. What the fuck am I supposed to be drinking? Oh what like a coin show? Yeah.

Um Have you polished off the beers? No but I I'll be bored of drinking beer because it doesn't get me smashed enough. beer is a fucking soft drink. You make, fucking triple sex like 13% in it. It's 20% and you mix it with two shots of tequila.

Yeah, fair play. Fuck, man. I reckon I'll start drinking again, aren't I? The only mixer is lime juice, so yeah, it does fuck you up. As if that doesn't arrive till Saturday and it's fucking Thursday. Where did you order it from? Amazon. Yeah, because I was on Amazon yesterday trying to get some bits here,

and all the prime delivery dates now are 22nd of April for everything. Shit's going nuts. It's fucking crazy. It's fucking fucked, mate. The world we fucking live in. Oh my God. You got anything more to say?

I believe this is, we can't fucking, I don't got any more shit to say to you. Oh, thanks. When are you going to do, when are you going to fucking do more tattoos? whenever I can if I'm getting paid two and a half bags

so off the government and I am not paying rent at my house or shop currently I'm just gonna black that as long as I can because I'm spending no money so much

so I'll just get from you're what's wrong with the world yeah I know I would just like to go back to normal I was already desperate I was already desperate

to go on tour exactly Yeah, I was already When was your thought Even when I start? I mean, it hasn't even been officially cancelled yet But April 15th That's definitely getting cancelled man

I know, but it's not official yet Well, at least you're giving They cancelled download I saw that today Think of all the All the relief Though That those ticket buyers

That accidentally bought tickets to your show We're going to feel When they get that refund Because who the fuck Wants to see a busted cover band It's a terrible joke It wasn't even a joke It was awful

You let yourself You let yourself down with that one You've been funny All podcasts I'm actually sitting in front of my fridge And my stave in the path ticket Still stuck on there Because do you remember

I had the fucking savage diarrhea That day You did yeah And I My fucking bathroom light blue So I was having the shits With candles It was well romantic

At least the flame Would kill some of the sulphur I don't care It's my own shit Yeah I sometimes use it as a I need to make some fucking food What are you going to make?

So pasta tuna Ugh But guess what What Tuna is murder Oh fuck off I've literally

I've literally eating vegan For every single fucking meal Like five out of six meals a day All right. Now, give me a fucking break. People like you, people like you are the problem

when people who are on the fence don't want to cut down because when you ram it down people's throats, they won't cut down. But if you just do it nicely, they'll cut down and will save the planet. I'm a spokesperson for the middleman, okay? Well, I'm to you, though, being,

I swear you was vegan for about a day. weren't you? I did three months actually and I kept a lot of those meals and I still eat those and I probably cut my meat consumption in half which the World Health Organization says

you should probably cut it in a quarter in order to save the planet and rejuvenate the Amazon rainforest so I'm doing twice as much as a normal person should and I think more people should eat like that and realize they don't have to go the whole hog straight away.

Yeah. You don't. It's good. Well, well done. Well, a minute ago, you were telling me a fucking tuna

was fucking murder and it is, yes. But in the grand scheme of things, me having one fucking tina tuna today and I'm going to have a vegan fry up for dinner.

I'm doing more. Wait, how fucking, how many meals are you eating a day? Six. Do you know how many meals I eat a day? Yeah.

And look at what I look like and look at what you look like. It doesn't make sense. I, yeah, my, mine's all beer. I eat one meal a day and I'm a fat cunt. But I've got a fucking massive dick so it doesn't actually even matter. Well, you should be burning more calories

because your BMI should be pretty high, but it's not. Something's wrong, man. You want to get your thyroid tested. Yeah, probably. If I did squats and I had to lift that weight back up between my legs, I'd have the most shredded fucking... Isn't it?

You've got extra... more to do. I don't know what to do though, man. What? Like doing fucking 20 press ups a day, ain't gonna do shit, is it? I'm not a healthy guy. Well, I'm not 20.

I put a whole home workout on my fucking... Yeah, but you fucking do like 900 things and you've got a pull-up bar and you do all this and that. I've literally got my floor. Pull-ups, you can't do. On what? I ain't got nothing to pull-up on.

Push-ups. Push-ups, burpees, air squats. You just need one more exercise, and then you do that. do 20 of each do it five times in a row without any stopping that is a fucking workout my friend

what so like do a hundred fucking press ups yeah but because you're splitting it so do every all five exercises and then have a rest and then do it again it won't feel like you've done a hundred mate my body I can't I'm almost certain

I can't even do 20 press ups you said you could do fucking 400 400 the other that about that fucking 20 minutes ago you said I reckon I could do 400 yeah but times changed didn't they what in that like 12 minutes yeah

do a fucking else do some exercise especially if you know get well fucking oh there we go I'll come out I'm come out like a fucking jail body mate I'll come out like 50 cent isn't it there's no calories in those so you're doing well that is true

well realistically I'm going to come off this podcast and just play Zelda all day I might do one or two press ups just to see how it goes but I doubt it. Do 20. I've got to go, I need a piece. All right. Fuck off.

I hope, I hope. No, I was going to say, I hope you're dealing with it okay, but you are. I hope I deal with it better. Can you please extend some of that hope? Thank you. Yeah. No, I do, man. I actually really do.

Mate, you got your little care package coming tomorrow. I put a little sticker in there for you as well to try and cheer you up. Did you? Put a sticker in there. Put a sticker in there. Put a business card in there. Business card. Very nice.

It just says to your mom. Will Thompson says, what's up? So you can enjoy that. Yeah, I know your business. Everyone knows about your business cars. All right. That was nice catching up with you, mate.

I hope your pub. It's quite fun. You too. See you later. All right. Nice fun. Later on, man. Bye.

Bye.