The Downbeat - Will Thomson - Tattooer

Episode Date: June 30, 2019

Mh guest this week is Will Thomson aka @thomsontattoos. Will is the owner of Beacon of Hope tattoo in Brighton and we've been friends since we met at fellow downbeat alumni Dan Searle's wedding. As well as being a great tattooer he's also a flat earther and one of the most ridiculous humans I've ever met. We talk about how he got into tattooing, his new shop, the old deathcore scene and there's a couple of very funny anecdotes about his mum. This episode is barely about music and is very explicit. You have been warned.

I've got to make this pretty quick because this podcast is three hours long, which is absolutely mental. Thanks to everyone at Picked up a t-shirt, the www.the-downb-e-dot-a-T. I think there's still a few left. If you want one, pick it up, support the pod, yo. My guest this week is Will Thompson, aka Thompson Tattoos, at Thompson Tattoos on Instagram. I met Will for the first time at Dan from Architect's Wedding. He's responsible for a few of the architect's boys tattoos. I thought this guy's a bit weird and a bit funny, like me.

I'm going to get him. No, I'm going to get tattooed by him. And I've got tattooed by him. He's done all of my neck now. We just finished it yesterday. But basically, when I was getting tattooed, he just told me some mental stories. He's very crude. The podcast says explicit.

So if you're a kid, stop listening to this. And if you're a parent letting your kid listen to this, you're a bad parent. Okay, stop now. But we had a pretty, you know, we had a good chat about tattoos. How we got started. He's just opened a shop, beacon of hope tattoo in Brighton. So, you know, check that out on Instagram. But yeah, we had a big chat.

It's sort of, there was a few beers. We did it in person because he tattooed me at the same time. Not at the same time, but just afterwards. He's a very funny lad. Take everything he says with a pinch of salt because I think it's a bit like myself in that the persona we put out into the world

is 50% actual person, 50% a sort of comedy character that we've created. Which is, you know, I think that's what they call a multiple personality disorder. But here we go, Will Thompson on the downbeat. I'm just going. All right. We're going.

The first guest ever, ever that isn't anything to do in music whatsoever i did used to play bass did you yeah because it's base a long time yeah it's easy in it especially in death metal you can just fucking unplug it don't matter what was your death metal bone uh do you know do you know uh what they called now do you know mate a crania yeah yeah they used to luke and jake from uncrania used to have a bag called id dismiss creation i've seen the logo yeah it was sick were you I mean that. I play baseball at all the time.

We played like Aka Cocker, Ingested, about a plane crash. All them. Mate, so this is like 2008? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally, it was 2008. I was 18. Yeah, mate, I know my UK death course scene. Yeah, come on.

It was all right, man. And then, yeah, I started playing in hardcore bands and then to stop when I was aid. You know, Ingested is still going? Yeah. And, like, smash in it. Yeah, I know. That's Sean Hines guys in it, isn't it? Yeah, it's a good land.

Good land. What you've been up to, mate? I haven't seen you in ages. Shilling, I know, man. What's been going on? I've just been like same old drinking beers

and doing dumb shit Doing tats Doing slanging tatties And the fastest Tatto were in the UK In the west I pulled the tat Get out

The fucking Hulster Do you reckon you're the I reckon You're the fastest I've ever in tato though So I reckon

Not to like Set my own dick But in England I don't know No faster But there's one guy called Joel Seuss

right do you know him? Yeah I know him personally but I know his stuff I put a thing on my story the other day he was lying in the back piece and it was like

he was drawing with a crayon on a piece of paper and he was just pulling lines out like it was like literally crown on paper but fat lines he'll line the back piece out in like an hour

it takes me an hour and 20 because he's mates with Sam yeah yeah because then he made Sam a suit's the secret order of Saturn is that what it is

it's just a weird whole thing I don't know what goes on I think they have to do some kind of weird bum thing. I want to get Sam on here as well because I literally only get tattooed by you and Sam. Yeah, he's decent as well. And he used to be in like a ton of warden there, didn't he?

Yeah. All his ones that were in the death core scene. Yeah. That's all, I'll only exclusively get tattooed by people Yeah, and it. With a death call vibe. Makes what happens. But he's pretty rapid as well.

Yeah. His stuff's sick as well. I like his stuff. He fucking smashed that hand out in, I don't know. Hour and a bit, maybe. I feel bad actually, right? So, like, when I was a kid, when I was, like, 20,

like, Sam Ricketts was, like, my favorite tattooer. Every single thing he'd done because he used to do so much whip shading and all that, yeah? And I'd just look at his stuff and me like, sick, and I booked my stomach in with him for, like, two sharks fighting. And then, uh, he, I was, like, doing the posit and he's like, no, don't worry about it.

And then I bailed, like, on the day because I was too scared to get it done. Man, you listens to this as well. Yeah, well, there you go. Sam, I'm sorry, man. I fucking love your work though. I got my fucking The first tattoo I ever got from Sam was my stomach

Yeah And I was booked in to do the whole thing And I fucking pussyed out Halfway through I thought someone weren't too bad What? Yeah my back was the worst thing in my life Ever right

But then I had chambed in my back And he's like fucking Rapid but just so savage Is that the guy that's spelt X-A-M? X-A-M He's a bit of legend Yeah he's sick at tattooing man

He's got a fucking piece as well man he's like apparently got the biggest dick in towing and I'm not even lying are you saying that to bring up the size of your own dick I'm not I'm actually saying without without it being a boast I have I do happen to have seen your penis and it's just like some sort of freak it's outrageous it's heavy it weighs me down I think that's why I'm sure but cham people think this is a joke and that's a brag yeah those people think because they look at me and they're like oh even I just have a normal dick and I whack it out And it's like, I've got to pick it back up off the floor, man.

But yeah, champ, I've heard, I've not seen, I've heard many a room in the middle. And I reckon, because he's short as well, we're just getting weighed down. So we've done fastest tattoos, we've done biggest dicks. Yeah. You're two for two. Mate. Hang on, let's go back to pain shit. You didn't think your stomach was that about?

No. But my stomach's like more realism than it is trad. So it wasn't like. I had just a full-on Sam Ricketts The whipshade special Yeah it was fucking horrible I put it out the first time And then the second time I went back

Like fucking took loads of codeine I went back I can't have codeine Makes me sick man Everything makes you sick It does yeah You've got a poorly belly I know

Just literally had the shits for three days Nice You just open a tattoo shop I have Well it's opening It's not officially no No it will not officially know. So we were going to have the opening party this Saturday.

And then... No invite for me. I fucking... I swear I did. No. Well, I only had invited people yet because the date keeps getting moved. That's right. It's fine. It's bits to do, mate. Come down. You can stay at my house. Are you doing that drive? We can have a dick off. You didn't have that drive. You just did.

I don't know the shittest time as well. I left at like half four. I thought that with... You did well to get here in that time. It's because I blitzed it. I was banging 110 up the way. as soon as I was off to the M25. That's illegal. I meant kilometres an hour. I was going at 80 tops miles an hour. Good save.

Yes. Right, right. Supposed to have the opening. Right. Basically, I've been tattooing for a long time. And I always wanted to open a shop, but I never had the money because I'm fucking just buy trainers and beers and do stupid shit in my money. So one day, a guy I tell you, I don't know if you've seen it on my ice.

he's got like a fucking massive oversized wolfhead on his chest and a eagle fighting the snake. When you did fucking quit. Yeah, like literally blew it out in like four hours. Right. He, um, he bells me one day and he was like, he's a barber, he's a sick barber. Um, and he was opening a new barber shop because he had one in Brighton anyway. And he didn't know it had a basement and he was like, do want to come through and look at this basement space? So I went through and it was literally just like a fucking,

hole in the ground, yeah, probably like, besides this room. And there was just like a ladder going down, no stairs and nothing. No electrics, like no floor, no ceiling, no nothing. And he's like, what do you think? And I was like, yeah, sweet. We could do something with this. So I, he got to work on that. He did everything.

He like concreted out the floor and then put like medical floor and down. Done it. Got all the electricians in, got all the electrics in all that. I went back to see it and was like sick. It was that whole different platform, like literally whole different place. Bought a bed through to see like if I could do a layout of what I thought it would be. And then just was like, yeah, sweet, I want it. And he's opening the barbers at the same time I'm opening my tattoo shop.

And it's just sick. But basically, yeah, he's just done all the work. And I'm obviously taking all the praise. Everyone's like, oh, congrats, man. Can't believe you've done this work. I'm like, thanks, man. The band I share my practice studio with just at the same time. I fucking put three stitches in my finger

they were like oh we're doing up the studio this weekend a year around and I was like well I can't do anything and then I went back in and there's like soundproofing on the walls all this fucking cool shit new floor

I came down there a fucking day and Russell was like oh yeah I bought you a TV and I just put it on the wall for you and I was like sweet Is it just gonna be you in it? It's me and a girl Session Nicole as she's doing Mondays

but I'm trying to get her for more Is there one chair Are you gonna have two chairs But I'm having a different guest artist every Thursday, Friday and Saturday so each week's going to be completely different. But basically, I've done it fucking smart because

every guest I've got coming down is someone that I want to get tattooed by it. So I'm just like, chance in my luck and hitting them up and being like, look man, I'm just opening a shop. Do you want to come through for a guest? And they're like, yeah, sweet. So when they're there, I'm going to be like, oh, if you've got a second as well.

Is that sort of like what we're doing right now? Yeah, pretty much, man. You were like, let me come on your podcast. I was like, I do need a gap, thin it in my neck. Yeah, man. So it's like, it's clear it's going to be just a fucking chill spot, man. How would you go about,

like, the fucking health and safety to start a total? Do you know what? It's long. It's long if you're in London, it's not long if you're in Brighton. In Brighton, it's like, you literally,

because I'm already licensed under Brighton and Hove Council, because when I was at no friends, they, I just pay nine pound to switch my license over to a new premises, and then you pay 74 pound to register, a new premises and they just send a dude over and he's like

have you got a hand wash bit yeah do you wear an apron yeah have you got this yeah and then that's it mate but because I think it's just there would be way more fucking no I think because you've already got

if I didn't already have a license for myself I think that'd be like to some random dudes setting up a shop like fuck that yeah so because yeah I've been telling him forever but it's pretty straightforward man also it's more

it's more the machines being clean isn't it? Yeah it's more tattooed in some sketchy fucking places. I've never had anything infected. Touch fucking wood. Yeah, but infection comes down to aftercare, really, man. Is it?

I thought that was from fucking dodging machines. But I've been infected my shit and it's fully my fucking fault. Every time it's been my fault. What did you get infected? I got that infected, my forearm. I got my whole left shin infected. Oh, I don't want to talk about it because now I'm getting kicked now. I got all my knuckles infected because I was wearing gloves the next day,

the tattooing and just fucked them up. I think I might have got someone on my leg infected actually. Yeah. You didn't really do much I don't make you ill or anything It just It was shit in Texas Because I got a fuck

I got a fucking I got a blinky bill The koala Yeah On my leg when we were in Australia And I did an experiment Because you know Like the aftercare

It's like Don't go in the sun Don't do this I was like You know what I'm going in the sea Fuck that I'm going

I didn't even go to sea I jumped in like a fucking pond Yeah Well then you probably I got sunburn on it Yeah What else do they tell you What else do

eat after midnight That's something meant That's gremlins Rub shitting it Yeah Don't you don't rub shit in it But I end up just shitting down my leg Hey that happens

But yeah It got infected So I think those Those rules are there for a reason I mean yeah Pretty much man Mainly don't get in the fucking pond It was like

It was a cave With glow worms in it In the middle of nowhere In fucking Australia We like jumped in It was fucking sick But I wasn't not gonna do that Yeah

Yeah I was like you know I still probably safer than the sea though I see fucking all them guys come back from Malia and that and they're like oh god this toe is shit he all got infected in that and it's like yeah probably because you were boozing it

did you see I can't remember it was like some fucking clickbait article going around some guy got bitten by a spider in Australia on his leg and he has to have all four of his limbs amputated I thought you meant all four legs then

I was thinking all four of his fucking legs no all four limbs centaur uh no I didn't see that what from just getting his leg done Is that right? Centaur the one with the horse body, isn't it? What's a minor, a horse head?

Wait a minute. What is a centaur? Is it got four horse legs and a man's arms? This is what we need. That's like that guy from Mortal Kombat and that's actually pretty decent. We need a Jamie to pull this up. I'm going to be the Jamie. Surely that if it's got a man's torso on a horse's body,

it'd have to have human arms as well. Yeah, they've definitely got human arms. So it's got six limbs? It certainly does. I've just got pick one up here. Mythical creature, six limbs. there you go. Fucking hell.

He's ripped as well, man. He's shredded. How's he doing dead muscle? Yeah, because he's got four leg days. He's fucking anabolic. No, I didn't see that, no. That's why the idea of Australia to me, A, I'm scared of flying. I would go like an hour if I've got like loaded, like, Xanax and wine and beer in me.

But I ain't going further than an hour. And B, there's too many things in Australia that can kill you too easily. I can't take a comfortable shit when I'm in Australia Because I sit there Like now I know Enough time has passed for me To forget it But now I know like we're going to go to Australia next year

I'm going to be sat there in a service station toilet Pull down my pants ready to shit And then I think about Oh remember that spider that bit the guy And he's got no fucking limbs Instantly can't shit You send them videos though Them dudes and they like kick the lid of the toilet

And like four of them things come out my ass I was going like this right now just because you're saying it Also, consider how allergic I am to most things in life You're allergic to mosquitoes? No Mate, they fuck me up I get like huge blisters

What like hard lumps and shit as well, I know Yeah, like fucking No, I'm all right But they're saying that I don't often get bitten by mosquitoes Because you only travel for an hour So it doesn't fucking happen And I'm soulless so I've got no blood But yeah man

What blood type you got, do you know I think of something? Because Kate, you're not, He's got typo negative. Nice. Not yet. Sick, the sickest blood.

Throwing up the horns. But because of that, apparently she's never been bitten by anything. Because they just don't like it. Does that mean? Because it's really rare. That you can. You can try to get to anybody. Yeah.

That's weird. Yeah. Just in case. Fly her out to Australia last minute. That's what I picked. O'ie, my legs are going. I'm going to lose my legs. Give me someone that fucking, I don't want to be me.

Give me some of that fucking type. both blood. Mate. Hospitals must have that on deck then, isn't it? I think they're close to making fake blood. Yeah, but I wouldn't want that shit

of me. I remember when that guy got like a pig heart, I don't know if that was do shit or not. Pig heart boy on CBBC. The TV program. I don't know if that was real, mate. No, not that, man. Like, they were saying,

obviously, they did some kind of valve transplant on some dude and they put like pig valves in his heart and he's fine. Yeah, I'd take that. I mean, I'd rather just, You'd rather die than pig? I don't know.

Is it a kosher thing? No, I just think that's got to go wrong at some point. Yeah, but it's going wrong right now unless you have this big fucking big. I'm just thinking about face off, but with a pig's heart. And that didn't go well. You think you're suddenly going to be at dinner like? Yeah. Exactly.

Suddenly. Yeah. And then you go, and then the guy, you give the pig the bit of your heart. he goes back to his family and he's suddenly like speaking with his fucking... Yeah, they're like, mate, you just chat shit. We'll lose a bit of it. There's a thing where people that get fucking weird transplants

and they think they get memories. Yeah, okay. People get... Okay, I got a story. I had something to go with this, yeah? Was, what blows my fucking mind is when people have like, go into a coma or whatever and then come out and then they can like speak tronies?

Is that real, though? That's legit, man. I think that one might be right. You might be... there's definitely a Chinese thing. But how does that fucking happen? How does that go in your head? All right, so.

I know there's a documentary about the woman who had a brain injury and it made her sound Chinese. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, but that's not all you're talking about. Because everyone would think she's just taking a piss and being a racist. It's fucking, her Chinese accent is so racist.

Yeah, proper. But imagine, like, just going to a restaurant or going to a Chinese restaurant and just being a white chick and ordering the food and they're just like, get out. Did you watch that documentary? No, but I know. about it. I read about it and I saw like a little clip

on YouTube. She literally does that. They, the fucking camera crew make her go into a Chinese restaurant to order Chinese food. They must have signed some kind of thing before like because they knew it'd be entertaining. Of course it is. Everything is made for entertainment now. Anyway, there's someone's

learned a Chinese. No, yeah, I think someone come out or a few people have come out and it's always like... Speaking Chinese after coma, it's a Google thing. But they can always speak, it's like always the Asian languages. It's a fucking daily mail link though So it's definitely not real

But still Like I'm pretty sure it's documented Like more legit than that These six people Woke up from Macoma Speaking of Foreign Language That's from brobible.com That's that famous news source

Than daily mail to be fair I see you then I just can't Oh hang on we've got a metro I trust the metro Do you know what yeah I do and I don't Because they've got that little like weird

Here's some funny news Like corner And that's a bit like just used to always read on the way to school because I just basically didn't want to learn anything. But I genuinely think a few people have come out being able to speak like the Asian languages from that area, which makes me think maybe everyone's dead and that your brain has just lived many lives and you're remembering shit from a past. life. Or if you're in a coma,

your body thinks you're dead, your body thinks you're dead, but your brain just learns everything. I mean, that's pretty fucking, it's getting pretty deep. I mean, I don't want to get too deep, yeah, but I'm just going to slightly say it because I actually am, and I don't know if any of your listeners actually follow me on Instagram and think I'm taking the piss because I do put up a lot of memes. I genuinely am a flat earther, and I'm not taking the piss. because so many people think I'm taking the piss with it

genuinely earth is let I can see your face though you're doing this to be edgy I'm only smiling okay so one question yeah for you why do you think the earth's around and you can't say because you're seeing it yeah space and the curvature of the earth I've seen the curvature of the earth

I've seen the dog you and they get it wrong have you seen the curvature of death with your own eyes yeah I've seen the experiments have you seen the curvature I haven't seen fucking Peru with my own eyes doesn't exist. Yeah, well,

Australia don't exist. I've been there, mate, it does. Yeah, well, it's a place and I'll tell you what,

I flew around the globe to get that. No, you never fly west. Mate, I am never going to have a flat earth from one podcast,

so this is over. Okay, right, see that, man, that's straight to the beer. Hang on. May,

ask me any question, yeah, and I can, let's not linger on it. When they get a huge thing and they get a huge tube and then they shine a light

through it and there's someone at the other end and if a curve, and if a curvature of the earth is wrong, then they shouldn't be able to see the life. How far is this person? It's fucking long. How far is this person?

Hang on, you're a flat over that hasn't watched the documentary on Netflix. What? Beyond the curve. The biggest piece of shit documentary ever because they've literally... You're actually a flat herper? Yeah, because the only reason,

even I would watch that documentary and go, yeah, that's fucking dumb. Because the people that they've got to represent the community are the dumbest. The community. Yeah. He really is a flat herper. Trust me. Trust me.

And I'm not going to go into it. it because it's going to be the five-hour fucking flat-earth special downbeat. Right, it already is the flat-air special. All right, tell me the one biggest, like the biggest bit of evidence. So what is it then? What do you mean, what is it?

Well, give me a bit of evidence. It's going to make me go, oh, maybe it is flat. Okay, well, you can't track southern hemisphere flights as soon as they leave the waters. But, okay, so, so if it's something... But I can't get Wi-Fi signal in fucking Australia. So, don't matter. So there's something wrong there?

So, say, yeah, if you flew from South Africa. yeah across to fucking like Tokyo or Australia or whatever yeah yeah that in a direct straight line is shorter than in a direct straight line up to Dubai so why the fuck would you fly to Dubai to then fly further back down on yourself to there when you could just fly across unless as a globe like that to listeners I'm currently making a shit globe thing with my hand if you flattened that out and Australia's here and fucking South Africa's here and Dubai's here you just fly in a straight line across man Yeah. I didn't make any sense. It does. And also, if the Earth rotates on its axis as a globe, yeah? Yeah. In speech marks in 24 hours.

Why not just fucking fly against the turn of the Earth and be in Australia in 12 hours instead of 24 hours? Because that is a full rotation of axis of the Earth, if anything, just get a plane that can break the barrier, wait fucking 12 hours and then just come back down. I don't know because I'm not a pilot. And either of you. Or a plane engineer.

Yeah, but everything's got to do with flights now. Right, maybe you've... Why do you not fly ever west? Why would you not fly from America west to Australia? You'll fly across all of the other shit. If you think of a map, yeah? Like... No, I've done it.

I've flown to Japan from... We fly from L.A. to Japan all the time. What? And you go across the international date line, and it fucks you up. Dog shit, mate. What do you mean dog shit? I've done it myself. Dog shit.

And it's like, and everyone on the plane is like, about it because it happens at a certain time and then everyone's like yeah it's fucking tomorrow now or yesterday or whatever it is yeah it's yesterday and you live a whole another day on the plane dog shit what do you mean dog shit how long's that flight take fucking forever so why would that take forever why would that take forever if you're as close as shit like that's not close is that whole ocean yeah but you could probably still do that same flight the other way in 16 hours and just blast it now you've got to stop over if you do it that way I know this because I don't travel through Dubai when we fly back from there

because people look up my asshole for drugs and put me in jail. I mean, you look like it? Have you known this story? No. Right. Someone actually... May, I don't think I've even said this on the podcast, so I'll get this story out of the way and then we'll get into some of yours.

Nice. I don't fly via Dubai because... A little rhyme now. So I fly the other way around the earth, around the earth. Yeah. round the earth. You mean across the plane? Because once in Dubai,

I was going through, I had a fucking bag of hand, just hand luggage. I thought you're going to say a bag of ham then. Tattoes, hand luggage, right? And this guy just went, don't like you. Yeah.

Took me through this fucking thing. I started saying, I know what you've been doing. That was this opening thing. Was this dude from Dubai? Yeah, he's the fucking security. Okay. I know what you've been doing.

I was like, what? I was like, what? eyes. I'm like, I've just been on a fucking 12-hour flight. Of course, I'm tired or whatever. And he's like, give me your stuff. Goes through every single thing in my bag, including in every single pocket, goes through the tread of my shoes, scraping the tread of my shoes onto the table and going through the mud. Can't find anything. And he's like, oh yeah, the reason it happened was because I smoked rollies at the time. And they don't have rollies over there. I assume that was. And he just thought that's what it was for.

Oh, maybe that's what he was clinging on to once he'd found that, but he'd already gone through all my shit before then. Then, when he realizes he couldn't get that, gets another guy in, he's fucking screaming at me. He's like, trying to be my mate and going like, yeah, but have you ever done

this? If you ever done all this stuff, which I later learned out is the same penalty. If you admit you've ever done drugs in the United Arab Emirates, you go to jail for the same as them catching someone. Within their within that country? Yeah.

What if you were like, I've done a bunch of heroin but in England? Yeah. But surely that's without their jurisdiction. No, they fucking, there's,

if you go on the internet, people that are locked up in Dubai for shit. Anyway, so he couldn't find anything. Right. So he goes and gets his other guy, guy comes in,

gets the fucking gloves on. Oh. Spout. Right up, right up the ass. Yeah. Check in. If I own the fucking,

well, there's nothing in the tread of his shoes, so he must have stuck it up as fucking arm. ass. Nothing up my ass, obviously. So I think that's over. That's done.

Oh, no. What's to look behind my foreskin? Right. Right, in case I've got a little fucking row of pills behind there or something. That's not enough. Got a whole sock down there. That's not enough. Looks down my dick hole.

With what? Fucking makes me pull my dick hole apart. Like a fucking little tiny little... Did you dip a finger in? Me, he'd proper look down it. Like, I'm going to have like a fucking key of head. heroin down my fucking... Anyway, so he, the whole time he's like,

oh, put people in jail for less than this or whatever. A whole thing lasts like four hours. I'm shitting myself. I got fucking wrecked the weekend before as well. So I'm like, oh my God. Anyway, I finally get out. And then the day after, you know, Groove Rider, the DJ. Yeah.

The DJ. I'm getting on. Dejee. Grover rider went to jail in Dubai the day after me. Right. And like a week after. that because they found fucking weed in his shoe tread

and the week after that this doctor who just had melatonin that he bought from fucking Dubai they put him in jail for seven fucking years. So that's what I fly the other way around the world because... Yeah, but you're told you do

but you don't because he has flat. Okay, so we're off that. How did you start tattooing? I started tattooing in my mom's kitchen man. Kitchen wizard scratch a boy will. I I love a bit

yeah I love a bit man yeah I'm just telling that story I'm just telling that story so basically I was I was at college I went to Kingston

college right and it was like it was right and I was doing a B tech in graphic design and some dude man I can't remember

his name had like a really sick half Japanese sleeve and I didn't I was like didn't like Tateys at time I was like

at 17 18 had never thought about getting tatties weren't into it and then uh I seen this guy's sleeve and I was like that's pretty sick because I always wanted to be in graphic design like in advertising and stuff doing logos for companies and all that shit but then at the time this is like 11 years ago that was like so oversaturated almost like what tattooing has become now to be fair that everyone was doing it there was just impossible to get into that line of work in graphic design so I said to him and I was like Ross what happened to do you like

take a design in and they'll do it he's like no you just say what you want and they'll draw it and then they'll tattoo it so I thought sick that's just like basically doing advertising the graphic design but with a lesser brief because you haven't got to go you send it off to a company and they're like oh can you change this

this this this this this this this this this this and essentially a job could go on forever so I'd start drawing up those of tattoos shit knew nothing about traditional or anything like what I do now and then when I was when I was playing with Phileas Miscreation, a friend of

Luke's was a girl called Jane Doughton and she had really sick traditional stuff and I was like, that's when I started looking like more into traditional shit, started drawing up those trad bits. Is that Jane Doe? Jane Doe tattoo? No, no, no, no, no.

This is just a girl called Jane Dalton. That's some weird coincidence. She got tattooed in Essex quite close to Jane Doe by a girl called Gemma who now works in a Cornwall who's the shit did my whole tradle with man she's sick and the more I was looking at drawing shit I was just drawing bits and bobs and then I just bought a shitty machine

from my eBay from China for like a quid been able to set up this is what everyone tells everyone not to do yeah literally right if anyone's listening there there wants to be a tower don't do this I got lucky as shit so this is how long ago this is yeah, I met a chick on gum tree dating, yeah I didn't even know that was a thing

and you know why it's not a thing anymore because people would be murdered, right? So you'd give out... People get murdered for selling like a fucking trestle table I know on gum tree, I'm not surprised they get murdered for gum tree dating. It weren't like, do you're saying where like, you'd go, everything's monitored by the powers that be

and then it's gum trick, it's wild west. And then you can go back. This was just like your conversation would be like, just drop me a text, bam. Or your number would be in your ad or where, whatever, yeah. And I was just looking for pals. I weren't even looking for chicks or nothing.

I was like on the dudes, on the chicks, all that, yeah. And I've got chat to this girl. Hang on, you were looking for friends on the internet. Yeah, because I was a weird kid, man. Okay, sorry, carry on. That's fine. If American people, because you are half of my listeners, gumtree is Craigslist.

Yeah, but probably more dangerous. No, Craigslist is meant. Actually, I saw that talk about. Actually, isn't that Craigslist Joe? It's sick. But, yeah, it's men. So, right. I'm going through Gumtree and I'm just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever.

Seen his local, seen his about. What year is this? Like 2007? So, like 11, 12 years ago. Post- Myspace? I never had My Space, though. How old are you? All my pals had MySpace, I just refused to get it because I thought, I see you lot at school every day.

What's the point? Wow. And at that point, there wasn't. True Pioneer. There weren't funny videos like there are now, man. Yeah, I refused my space. I played in a Grindcore band. had a MySpace music page, but other than that.

What was your Grindr Band called? It was called Broken Bones and Shit, and it was a horse-themed grindcore band, and all the vocals were just horse samples. Do you know what's fucking Mendel? I had a fucking grindcore project, one-man grind-court project, on Myspace music called Gay Duck Necrophilia, and all of the samples were duck noises. Perfect, mate.

It's a weird time, isn't it? Animal ride. Yeah, it was a weird time. Sorry, carry on. I've got chatting to this girl called Carly, right? extra safe and she went to uni in a Wimbledon and I was in like Sutton so I went too far it was like 20 minute drive and I went to link her for a beer and that day my tattoo kit turned up yeah and I'm like yo my all the shit's just turned up now should I bring it over and she's like

yeah man just bring it over she had some powers over and I didn't even know how to set the machine up on YouTube like YouTube's only been about for like five years so there's like no videos on it I'm like how to set a potato machine and I was putting it all like in upside down and all that and then yeah I got there and we had like loads of beers and that and I just started tattooing everyone

no gloves no nothing I didn't know what's going on on her sofa there's a video somewhere I've just got a wild mullet like that straight cut fringes with like the little flaps and that mullet so you weren't on my space but you had the haircut

oh yeah you got the haircut man come on and I as well I skipped emo and pop punk I was just straight death metal but I still had the same shit haircut oh yeah same I was Yeah, it was the weird Death Core thing

You like death metal You like hardcore But you look like an email kid Poppa, you had to And then yeah I just started tattooing her And then I was just tattooing at her house loads

And all her pals were up for it Because I was just dishing out for you tell you They were trash Like absolutely dog shit Got any photos I don't actually Although I'll message Carly now And hopefully by the end of the podcast

She'll have sent one So because she's my first Ever tattoo I ever did Right And it was a pound sterling sign And I did it in a five line which is tight as fuck. It's a very tight, it's a very small liner, right?

And I saw it recently healed. And bear mind this is like 11 years old. It's now looks like I've done it with like an 18 shader. I think I saw you post this on Instagram. It looks like you've done it with a sharpie. Oh mate, it's absolutely trash. Hang on, let me just mess with it.

Can you send me that pound sign photo? Please. Right, so, yeah, and then I started getting like, not good, I was trash, I'm not going to say that was good, I was terrible, I had no idea what I did. But you could draw. That's the thing, you see so many people who can't draw. Yeah, but you think. And they're like, oh, I'm a tattoo artist now. You can't fucking draw, so I'm not having that on my body.

That's 2019, man. Excuse me, one of your shit drawings on me. Yeah, just, oh, can I have some flesh that says sad, please. Or can have a little. On my fucking eyes. Yeah, yeah, legit. Like, literally, man, this fucking trash. But, so I got, I was getting like, better.

but I was shit. So very shit, yeah. And then when I went to uni, a bunch of dudes that I live with, man, were just like extra safe. And they were just like, yeah, man, you could basically stay at a house of free and just tattoo everyone.

So I was like, cool. So I was just doing tattoos in their fucking front room, tattooing in my mum's kitchen, all this, just doing the worst teddyies. And then somehow just got better, yeah, man. And then I got invited to work at a shop in North London. I actually only left like a year ago. I was there for like eight years.

and he got me a customer and I'd never taken money and the first person that come in on a walk in they must have thought yeah this is like a legit dude I'm there setting up like shaking thinking oh my god someone's going to pay me for a tattoo I'm fucking shit

so I think the stress of that made me think I should probably actually take it some more serious and it's got better and then now I'm the fucking quickest tattoo quickest in the West what

so hang on you went from kitchens and all the shit you shouldn't do to immediately in a shop. No apprenticeship. No apprenticeship, right, because because the shop was it doesn't sound with that right. The shop, not exaggerating

probably the best shop in London for the style that they do. Now, don't call, don't tell anyone what it is because it sounds bad currently, if you like the people, don't tell the shop. So, my very very good friend. It's Frith Street Tate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, got taught by God. No, my friend, Justin Tan, who wasn't my friend at time, he was the guy that invited me to work. He just added me on Facebook for some reason. He must have been searching for tattoos or whatever because he owned the shop. And he, he, like, loves hip-hop, and I love hip-hop. And he put up, like, a big pun and Cuban-link song.

And I don't know anyone that knew, like, big pun or Cuban link or any of that, like, hip-hop, hip-hop at the time. Because everyone was on, like, Lil' John and the East Side Boys and all that, like, dog shit. So I just commented saying Yeah man Punk bangs And then he DM me Or inboxed me

If you're going back in Facebook days And I was like Yeah man I've seen this stuff It's pretty cool Do you want to come down And like check out of the shop So you can't have been as shit

As you're saying you aren't then No I think he saw potential In the fact that I wasn't I was very I'm saying I was very shit At the start But by this point I was like

I was like high street shop Okay Could do walkins kind of shit Good and then... You were the Argent Dorn Yes But you weren't quite

Yeah Anitations of an autopsy Yeah exactly They're coming back now Isn't it? No, they've come back I can get Steve on here actually Steve did the new downbeat

You know See the death metal one with Nula on it Steve did that fucking... Yeah nice man He's tattooing now Is it? It's pretty good He's always been good at drawing

Wait, see the vocalist Yeah Yeah he did my old old bander logo I can't mean He's always been Incredible at drawing Yeah yeah And then now he's tattooing

He's fucking good at in a well short space of time as well. Loads of people like that now. I see kids tattooing and it's like in their bio, it's like first year tattooing. And I'm like, I might as well, just kill myself.

Yeah, but I know some people who, when they started tattooing, they were like, their first few, you were like, fuck me, you're going to be really good

and they never got any better. You got to practice? Yeah, uh, no. Come on, give me something to relate this to music. Yeah,

okay. Realistically, yeah. You must have to practice. You have to upkeep your drums. You've got to play drums every time. day, yeah? For me to stay good at

tattoo and you've got tattoo every day, but I take it every day anyway. You're not learning new shit. Yeah, but you just fucking go weird with it. What do you mean? Go weird with it?

Just go weird with you, man. Like, think, like, Sam Rick's stuff. It's sick. No, like, if you look at like Sam stuff and Joel stuff like that, it's really fucking sick, but it's like, how the fuck are they coming up with that idea?

I think you just reach a point where you know you can tattoo. Like, I know I can do line, I know I can put a line, I know I can whip shade, I know I can colour pack all that. So I think, just got to start drawing weird.

Yeah, but you have to learn all that other stuff. Yeah. So how much practice is tracking? That's what happens at work. Like by tattooing every day, you just, essentially, every tattoo you do is practice because you're just doing every day. Like, you obviously play gigs where you've got to be on point. Yeah, but I don't, I don't think I, I don't think I get anything out of the gig in terms of

practice other than maybe practicing being hotter than I usually am. Yeah. But that's like I wouldn't go home and go Oh shit I'm gonna like Take you some fake skin tonight Because I was like fuck that Yeah but I mean drawing

You remember throwing I draw it anyway Someone asked me to do a lemon the other day And I was I couldn't draw it So I go home and draw this lemon Yeah but because I do what I do And people know what I do

I'd mainly just They're like Panther eagle I'm like bam Just sharp it Yeah that's the first thing I was like All right

You're like oh do you want to get a eagle Yeah easy Just literally just sharpie It's good though I like it It's almost the same with drumming, music I guess. There's so many people who are really good.

Yeah. But everyone's good at their own shit. Yeah. They're like, everyone's good at everything, but then they're like really fucking good at some stuff. Yeah. Like Sam Rickett's sharks. Yeah. There's no way.

With anything that you see of Sam's, you can look at it and go, that's Sam. Whereas I think there's a lot of tattoos that are really good. Yours is like that as well. Yeah, but I tried to do that because I tried to draw roses different. to how everyone else would draw a rose or I tried to do like little bits that you'd look at an eagle and go right the way he's done the face is that's done by will yeah but with sam shit always since they want like his bars that he does like the wind bar and the waves and everything you're like straight away I could see like an inch of your sleeve and just go Sam ricketts on that it's weird like even in America yeah I'll get people come up to me and go like I got that hand done by midwest Phil yeah midwest Phil's outrageous man but he's the same thing but he's the same thing he's the same thing same thing. It was like, I'll do sound do that. Yeah, yeah.

I was right. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, there's a lot of, there's a lot of very sick taeoers, but some of them have no style. But I think what you need now is because there is so many good taos and there's so many good drummers and there's so many good guitarists and basses. You need something that is different.

Yeah. Agreed. And what's different about you is. You don't have to suck me off. All these people are sacked me off anyway. I was going to say, you're shitter than I have a style. You can tell it to you because you miss a beat. Oh.

I'm joking. You know what, man. Not to suck. you off because you don't have to suck me off I suck myself off by doing this thing sorted mate but you're actually sick like stuff

people wouldn't listen if I wasn't at least capable of holding the beat together I think we've just said in that section enough stuff really will carry on for this bit for a bit but enough stuff for people to think that they've learnt something I think with podcast

people like they like to go oh there is a correlation there between music and talent they've gone they've gone you know what the earth is flat the earth is flat and I'm gonna get to out of wheel topso yeah

because he can bang out a back piece I tell you what though and but this is the thing I would rather like you're you're not expensive but you're expensive yeah but I'm quick

but this is the thing I would much rather pay someone more yeah to do it in less time because they're fucking out but I always tell people

my hourly and they'll be like oh but there's a dude down the road it does it for 80 and I'm like realistically you're probably going to pay more with him than you are with me at a hundred an hour because it's going to take four hours if he does it or take two hours if I do it so that'll either be 200 good with me or 350 with him yeah do you want to pay more money

and have a longer length of pain no absolutely not I'd rather give me the higher hourly plus if you get tattooed by me you just get the fucking stories all day I'm just taking the mind of it we're going to get to the fucking stories we're going to get to when you tattooed my neck Yeah, because it's fucking... You should have heard me. In the shop, like, when I started tattooing in it, we were still doing it up in the new shop. I still got a couple of it still do now. But we had no Wi-Fi.

So if one that was coming through was the new customer, and I was just, like, had to talk to them. So I, because there was no music. Because I couldn't play music through my son or son or something. Oh, I was like, why is you talking about no-wife? What's that fucking matter? I've only got the... I've got the son-os, mate, in the ceiling. You've got the best speakers, man.

You've got a nice play. I want to see this place. It's sick, man. So I was just like, I had to chat to these people. So like, two minutes in, I'm like, to any customer, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll always pull the, like, if I'm putting music on, I'll be like, oh, what do you want to listen to anyway? So I'll get the gauge and everyone always goes, I don't listen to anything. So I slamming like full of hell and I'd be like, done right, full of hell. How can get tattooed, full of hell?

Maybe. New album, slaps, though. Yeah, it's a fucking good band. So I gauge everything in the first, like, five minutes and I just chat shit for like two, three hours. But I'd say I make all my powers, man. Yeah, I can believe it. That's why you're here now. Because I barely knew you.

I knew you did, I knew you from Dan Architect's wedding. Yeah. And then from seeing your tattoos and being like, he is good at tattoos. And then I was like, I'm going to get a tattoo by him. And then what's at the first time? Laugh my fucking ass off at some stories that we will get into, but not now because I want to end on them because it's a fucking treat. And then now we're mates. I need my friends to be funny and talented

That's all I fucking ask for Yeah the amount of times I'm watching your story And I'll just send it to my pals And be like, look at this fucking shit That he's talking about Because it's so funny My favourite shit

It's just your car When you're just in your car Outside the studio And you're just chatting shit It's my favourite thing The rough thing with that right Is I'll get a lot of new followers That aren't aware

Because I have big, basically What happens? When I'm depressed I'm really funny on the internet because I don't know what happens I go into this fucking alter ego where to cheer myself up

I'll do dumb shit on the internet but when I'm happy I don't do that so there's these huge periods I'm definitely you know it's not talk about the diagnosis there but there's these huge periods

where I'm happy and there's these huge periods where I'm not so happy but I don't post anything mental really when I'm happy and then so I'll get like maybe you know thousand, two thousand new followers in that time and then there'll be a low

point and I'll post all the mental shit and people will be like what the fuck is this they don't know what it is sick. Wait before I go is I need to try your fucking 20 gram peanut butter challenge I ain't running peanut butter in trying to lose weight I'll do 20 grams of beer then I reckon

I could put out to a separate glass I stopped doing it because people kept reply I didn't mind the replies, right? But people kept replying like, oh, you're fucking shit at this. Like it's a fucking, you get paid for it, professional. Yeah, number one, I started this fucking game, right?

And the reason you're watching it is because there was a fucking big streak. The reason I started the fucking game was because I used to be able to nail it. Yeah, I dropped off a bit. I'm a bit like a fucking Franklamp part at the end. 17. Same 3 grams of.

Exactly. But there's like repetitive people going in. Are you fucking shit this? And I'm like, are you not aware of this? It's a joke. Yeah. Like, did you put money on this? Sorry, mate.

Yeah, but I mean, you got a few fellas in it. Don't know. Because of that, you're always going to get people apart. I get people apart to my story. Like, I literally only follow you for your memes. And I'm like, okay. Or like people reply to my memes like, when are you going to put some fucking toes up?

It's like, chill out. It's fucking Instagram, man. Yeah, I've got... Wait, do you mind if I fart on your podcast? You can file my podcast. That was really... I'm going to have to take the noise gate off for that. That's all right.

We weren't talking about fine. I don't know. It's got out of hand now. We've got out of hand, but we were still talking about tattooing. Oh, back to a style fucking thing. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about the style thing. I can't really remember what we're talking about. Basically.

Do you know who else's got fucking wicked style? Who? What, are people going to listen to this for tattoos? Are you going to have tattoo eyes? I'm going to fucking put it out on my thing. I've got loads of... There's a guy and he's just fucking moved to Leeds as well, which is an hour for me.

Is it Morse? Yeah. He's a good friend of my man. Mate, his shit's so good and I've always been like, but can I be asked to go to barrel of him? Morsees are done. And he's actually French. So I used to work in...

When I worked in Brighton years ago, I worked in a shop called Gilder Cage on St. James Street, not far from where no friend is actually. And I worked with a friend of mine, Maxim, whose name is Pozan Tattoo is fucking sick, yeah? He does like all that graphical style stuff but he's rapid, yeah?

He will literally line along like like quicker than me, right? He's really sick and this stuff feels really good. So he's French and he has loads of French friends, obviously. So he moved to Brighton and he started working in the shop that I was working in a few years ago. So we'd go back to France every now and again and work together, just do guest spots at his friend's shops.

And that's, I met Morse when he was working in Lille and we went out and he loves like all like post rock and metal so we were just talking about that kind of stuff and every time he was in England doing guests he would we would chill he'd be in Brighton and we'd just be drinking beers and shit

then I did Bristol convention two weeks ago or three weeks ago and he came up and I was like fuck man I haven't seen you in ages I was like where are you are you still like because he was at uh the man blue in Belgium

yeah that was wrong because he moved there from little and he's like no man I literally I'm in Leeds now and I was like what the fuck man like come through but yeah I'll get him down for a guest so come Brighton and

well he's a fucking hour away from here at currently I need you know what he had a fucking cancellation today yeah and if it was if you weren't here I would have just went and gone up on there mate tell him say you know me

and he'll be like yeah sick he's fucking he's really good he's really sick man he's a really nice dude So, really nice guy. That's what I like. Just be talented and funny and nice. You know what I don't understand. That's the life lesson.

Obviously it's a big thing in music, but within tattooing, I can understand egos in music, right? Hang on, I've just got to reiterate. You've only got to be one of those things. If you're not funny, just be really talented. Yeah.

And you've got to like, if this is like my friendship application form, right, please tick a box. Yeah. Of these three. talented funny nice

I'll give you nice alright if you fall into nice you better you know have some money or something because I gotta get something back I gotta get something back from this they got to be working at late

section one yeah and then section two I got do you like tick all that apply in terms of interests yeah

and it just says aliens inception the office And you've got a tick back When you say aliens You're talking about the film No I'm talking about just

Just aliens I've got a lot to say about that To relate to Flats Anyway that's my application form You got an alien story I've got no just like So my knuckles I mean about how I think human life

Came on Earth due to aliens I'm much obsessive aliens How does that? It's going to be This is literally going to be Like a 20 hour special man I'll tell you after the podcast Because it's long

You can't do this Because people always do this and they say, oh, I'll tell you in a minute. And then I'll actually tell you after. People going, okay, right, so in short. They condense it. Give me the fucking...

In short, yeah. What do they call it? TLDR. What does that mean? What does TLDR mean? No idea. I thought that was like the Dockland's Light Rail. That shit you train that no one gets in London.

But yeah, my knuckles, ruins. That serpent, hail man, ing. So water breeds bacteria. So serpent, yeah, would be something that's not human. Yeah. Mix with hail, which is precipitation, makes man. So basically, think of, if you left that, if I left this beer out here, unfinished.

Yeah. Just on the table. I know. It's not going to happen. But imagine you forget about it. Three months later, you come back and there's, like, bacteria on it. And there's like a fucking thick layer of mold, yeah? Obviously, that bacteria, the bacteria originally existed within this, yeah?

Yeah. but has made a bioculture by itself that's grown into something that it originally wasn't here. So the serpent, which is the foreign body, mixed with water when water breeds bacteria, makes man, which makes ing, and ing is the DNA of human life. So I think that almost like at the start of Prometheus here, you know, when that dude breaks down to water.

Yeah, ancient alien theory. Yeah, big time, boy, I know, actually. I didn't know that's what you're at hands, man. Basically, he's got all into this kind of shit, man. got roons on his hands that's what it is yeah i've got ruins but they mean something instead of just being like i'm racist oh my god like norwegian black metal bands i saw yeah literally man what's that we're black metal or i don't know it's really i don't mind murder right but it's always just don't be it's so annoying like every time you listen to a black metal band you've got to have

an extensive googling yeah to be like oh okay so ex-gatrist ex-gatrist may have done it and it's like oh well can i listen to this very not just be nice read my fucking questionnaire that's why you need to listen to like nice is one of the options black metal bands new blackmail mate full of hell all that they're just nice kids man they're just like 20 home room yeah sick band eco warriors yeah that's it you wait tomorrow will come out like fucking yeah in it moves in the frame room at fucking some kind of clan rally so anyway your third box then I ain't got a third box

I was making it up on the fly well fair yeah I agree if you're nicest bottom in the barrel because I meet loads of nice people but I still want to chill out of them

you've got to be funny I saw the spell are you got or like at least have a hobby I was talking with Katie about this the other day the reason we're not divorced

is we both got hobbies yeah so it's like we've seen her today have you seen her once today yeah she's out doing the fucking horses And so... And horses.

Yeah. Not like that. What's your new shop called? Let's get back on fire. Okay. If you want to follow the new shop, we've made it Instagram. It's Beacon of Hope tattoo. Beacon of Hope.

That's very non-on brand for you. Yeah. And do you know why? Because there's no tattoo shop in the world called Beacon of Hope. And also, have you seen... Have you seen any photos that I put up with the interior? No. It's very non-tattooy.

It's like... It's like you've gone into the white company, basically. It's like candles. everywhere, read diffuses, nice shit, hanging plant pots. It's a fucking spa. Yeah, it's lovely, man. Obviously, it smells good in there.

There's no, it's not, like, I made it like the least intimidating space possible. So I just, you're going to play full of hell through the... Yeah, without a doubt. But no, we got, basically, I've got TV on, and it's got, like, the stream thing from the phone.

So I just bang, skate videos on all day, on mute, and then I've got the sonos, and judging by the first two minutes of conversation, I will adjust the music to my client. But it's usually either hard, or death mail or hip-hop. It's a good fucking time. It's a nice little vibe, man.

Because we've got different guests every week, it's just like, it's just chill. When you're open? When's the real opening? Open was Men to be 29th, but we're, I'm waiting on a guy, so he does a window painting. It's incredible.

He does like all gold gilding and all that. But he's got no social. He's been doing it 35 years, so he's got no social media, so you've got text him. Basically, I saw a shop in Brighton, a barbershop. and they had a sick sign up

and I was like who painted a window and they went oh leave your number and we'll get him to call you and I don't pick up numbers ever he leaves him

a voicemail I get back to him he comes through and he'd drawn up this sick logo he'd drawn up everything is super nice that really old school

nice like classic like what you'd imagine like a gilded window sign to be real nice but he needs a good a good four days in a row because he's got to put

the reverse image on the outside of the window to paint the inside. Yeah. So he needs good weather, and the weather's been so shit recently. I couldn't get my fucking gutters clean, boy. I needed my gutter.

That's not a euphemism. I'll clean them out. Not me, not me and the goat getting our gutters clean. Yeah, no. I need my gutters clean. It's fucking rain for two weeks. It's been shit. It's been shit, man.

It's July almost. And it's like, come on. It's been so shit. But then in the night. You'd think I'd be funny on the internet, but weather doesn't really depress me. Yeah, yeah, no, man, I'm the same. But still, it's just like it's trash. But yeah, so I'm just waiting on that.

And then as soon as we got the signs out, because right now I'm below the barber shop, and everyone's text to me like, where is the shop? And I'm like, I'll just come through the barbers because I'm like, down, literally you come through the barbers, then down on the spire of staircase into the shop.

But we're just waiting on the signs going up because as soon as that's up, everyone's going to be out, oh, that's being in a hope, done. So do you pay him rent to be there? Yeah, man. But then it's not a tattoo shop rent. Not of a cut. So I pay him an unspeakingly.

specified amount of money. Super low. And that just goes towards his rent and business rates of the whole shop. Yeah, it's not like he owns the town. He owns the studio. So basically I get 100% of my money and I'm giving my guests

and my other residence 70% of theirs, which is a higher cut than most average shops just because I'm happy to be in my space. And it's a private studio. So it's just me and one other at a time. So I don't mind just Just taking 30%

Why can you ask me to invest in this? Right, because I didn't need any Because Russell He's hooking you up Right, when he realizes that he's hooking you up too much He has realized No, he hasn't realised He's a dumb man, I love that guy man

And he, his new barbershop He does like, the wildest fade ever I've seen man, apart from And I'm only saying this because I love him And he's going to listen to this Fabio from Cottlefish in Brighton Who they normally colour my hair Like when I had pink hair and that

Yeah, it's looking pretty good, mate I just admit, I need to go back I'm going to go back pink I think man Because this is all washed out and it was grey But Fab is wild But that's like a salem experience You go there and you get all the head massage and shit I got that yesterday

It's a straight barber Your head's looking fresh man, it's nice But as the normal is just straight out barber Russell Where in the shop above mine Pedios Barbers Pedios Barbers in Ove We smash it man

15 pound of trim And it's like the smoothest fade That's cheap And he's quick That's fucking cheap For Brighton Yeah It's a good plug that is

I'll show you this thing man So that he doesn't Because I got the back in my head Don't show me The fucking thing Because people on the podcast Can't see it Okay

I saw that You got your back of your Head tattooed Yeah And that killed Don't tell me that It did But

I know people on podcast Can't see All you've got to go Yeah that's sick How smooth That fade Yeah It's a smooth

Like you Is a smooth fade Yeah I know Now I just look like Some kind of weird Yeah Just come here to

I'm a shirt. I mean, you got it pretty on your head. I don't want it on my head. I was like, behind my ear and shit. I think you already fucked me up behind my ear. Yeah, it won't be as bad as the neck side, don't it? It wasn't nice.

No. Like, I've not got my neck then, so I know. But the back of my neck was horrible. One side of my neck was fine. The left side of my neck was... We've done the right first, isn't it? And then... Yeah, and I was fine.

In the left, I tried to use some fucking numbing cream and didn't work at all. The tattie milk. The tattie milk. It didn't fucking work at all. I mean, I didn't have it on the right-hand side, but the left-hand side, fully creamed up.

I'm like, I'm like, creamed head to toe now. Even if I just get a dot done, I'm like, no, can't get it done with that cream. After my back piece, I didn't get a tape for like five years, and I was like, I need every time. Mate, if I get my back done, I'm getting fucking milked up. It's real bad, man. I'll get milked.

I'll be a dairy boy. Yeah, yeah. Give me that fucking shit. Right, so we might as well get on to the funny stories now. I think I've asked everything that, oh yeah, I'm also going to ask you what your top five bands are at the end, so you've got to think about that, but don't do it now. Okay.

So let's talk about getting my neck towed. Yeah. So you told me one story in particular when I was getting my neck tauted, and I was laughing so hard that I had to stop. While I'm getting, bear in mind, it's not a small necktoe. I'm getting needles stabbed into my fucking neck and back of my head. And Will tells me this one story. and he has to stop

because I'm laughing so hard through the pain that I thought you were going to cut my fucking head off maybe that's why I had doubled endorphins maybe that's why the left side

I'd already heard the fucking story so give me this story right so basically yeah living legend my mum right she's called Sharon right but caught a big Shaz even though she ain't even big

yeah I'm going to do that little fuck me yeah so man bro I've been fucking driving all day and I've been... What, that makes you father,

is it? You know what I've eaten? All I've eaten's day is one packet of ribbon saucy knick-knacks. You're looking quite slim? I'm not. I'm fat as fuck. All right.

Maybe it's their hair. I'm thick, I'm a thick boy. So anyway... I ain't got any vegan food in. Have you got a lot? This is probably not even delivery around, are you live on a fucking farm? I do live in the middle of nowhere.

I'll tell you what, actually, I've got... Linda McCarnies. What sauce? Yeah. Sick. You got any bread? Bagels.

Yeah. even better. You got any ketchup? Yeah, big time, boy. So anyway. Anyway, yeah. Right, so my mum here,

she's fucking jokes. She's like, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, like, loveliest women you'll ever meet. Yeah, absolute angel, man.

So she, we call her a big shaz. She's little, she ain't even fat. But because she's an idiot. I'm like, you know when you're kid and you get a new,

a new email address yet and you just have the dumbest you? Like, what was your first email address? Oh, mate, it was actually, actually slip-knot maggot yeah right but not maggot i spelt maggot like the death tone song

pink maggot so i sort of combined slip-knock and death tones in one so that says it all yeah so i was da dark jester like with d a yeah oh my fucking god bro i was like 12 yeah i had no reason to i'm not emailing anybody the dark gesture the dark gesture yeah and that is what you are really? You got some dark stories. And I was like, I got some funny shit. So anyway, so I, she's set up at email here.

She's like, I need an email for work because I'm applying for jobs, yeah? I'm like, cool, just jump on hotmail, just put your username in, do it. Yeah? Big shaz. She chooses fucking big shaz. Of all things, yeah, to apply for jobs, right?

She's a gardener. She's a sick gardener, like a landscape, all that, yeah? But I was like, if you're applying for, like, normal, because she's getting older, she's had a hit replacement now. She's like 60 or something. And I'm like, if you're

applying for jobs at like the garden centre and you're 60 and your email address is Big Shaz How long ago did she get Big Shaz? Like five years, not even long ago. And she managed to get Big Shaz with no, she didn't have to put Big Shaz 2, 3, 6. Because no one's that stupid

to get Big Shaz. Well, if anyone wants to email Will's mum, the email is Big Shaz at Hatsh. It's actually now currently Big Shaz 69, 420 blaze it. That's more like it. Yeah, exactly, isn't it? Actually, that was taken. So she remember just big shouts

She just has to go with the usual So she is queen And I mean queen of shitting herself Right And I know if one So are you No yeah yeah But right realistically yeah

Inherited I know As much as chicks don't admit it Like girls are like I've never done a poo It's like Yeah you probably shit yourself In last year Right

If you had a room of 100 women What Yeah You can't say that I've done the statistics Yeah These are dangerous statistics. No.

You are, people probably like you up until now, and now you're suggesting that everyone on earth has to shit themselves in the last year. At some point, okay, no, not in the last year. You said the last year. No, no, no, no, no. I'll give you the statistics. Craig, yeah? Have you ever shot your trousers?

In any scenario? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, right? You would ask anyone, and without, in their head, they're thinking, yeah, but they'll probably go, no. Right. If you had a rumor of 100 women, yeah? Why women, no?

Because women like to deny Their trousers I thought it sounded like You were suggesting that women shit themselves More frequently than men I'm saying everybody shit You did say You probably shit yourself in the last year

Yeah yeah yeah yeah And here's how I've got to that Right Okay Don't worry It's family friendly It's not family friendly But I'm just trying to make sure

That you don't I'm not gonna offend anybody right So imagine you took a room of 100 women and 100 men and you said that's more like it yeah but you said to the dudes hey man when was lost Luna Luna Luna wants to say I shit myself all the fucking time in the room that she's churped up now that's sleeping in tonight that's convenient isn't it that she suddenly chirped in so yeah if you said to dudes yeah she was actually saying 100 men 100 women and 100 dogs yeah okay 100 pigs or more I go in the yeah I've shan myself

yesterday. Show itself every day, man. Today in the kitchen. So have I actually, coincidentally. But women like to have this like facade around them. Yeah, because it's not a nice thing. I know, I know, I know, I know. But yeah, realistically, even like girls that you would look at and like actresses and billionaires and all that, yeah, I'm going to assume at at some point in the last probably three years.

Why three years? Because I haven't shit myself in fucking 20 years at the least. How? What, you're 31, 32? Yeah. So you're saying the last time you shit yourself was when you were 11 or 12? I think I shit myself. I've shit myself twice. And I think probably the last time was around 11 or 12.

Okay. On holiday when I was sick. Yeah, if you're sick, you're sick. Well, it doesn't give me a free pass. It still counts for shooting myself. I mean, I puked the bed on Saturday. But once, I don't pupe the bed on. my bed.

I didn't know it. It's because I ate too much food, man. Well, we're just about have a lovely bagel and vegan fucking shit. I know, I know, I know. I shit my... We haven't even got around to your mum's story because you've insulted

an entire agenda and now I'm telling the story of when I shit myself... I wasn't... I shit myself at fucking school. Yeah. Like, it was like infant school so I was like, fucking

five or six or something. And I shit myself. and it just sort of happened in assembly sat cross-legged on the floor shit myself and then no one heard it it was a silent shit

but then everyone everyone was noticing like the smell I blamed it on this kid next to me I was like are you farted What did you do? Surely had the whole rest of the day with Shatchez I watched the whole of assembly

with these shitty fucking drawers and then I fucking sang the hymn at the end With the whole it was honestly that Because I remember thinking Because everyone used to sing pants Because you could get away with it

I was thinking I got the whole world in my pants right now And then I rang my mum And then I rang my mum and was like mum I shit myself Yeah What's totally little mobile yeah No mate I was fucking

This was before the internet That's what I was saying Are you ringing your mum I got in the school office I was like I am sick I got to ring my mum And I just get sick A bit let him phone his mum

My mum are fucking shit myself. I said those words. My mum, I'm fucking shit myself. She went, fuck me, son. Jesus fucking God. I kept it down there immediately. My mom was to Scotland, so she doesn't sound like that. Anyway, that's when I shit myself. Carry on your complete weird

conversation about how all women have shit themselves in the last three years. Yeah, well, they have. So anyway, before I even go on to my mum, you've just reminded me of the last time I shat myself, because it's not in the last three years, so maybe I am wrong. You're definitely wrong. All right, okay.

So listen, there's only two things I'm ever right about, yeah? And that is... Pissing yourself. No, no. That's flat earth and flat earth. And so basically, I had to quit scouts because I shit myself. Have I told you this story? Please tell me I've told you this story.

Craig, this is even better than the story. I'm about to tell you that you already know. Right, so when I was a kid, yeah, so we're about the same age. I'm nearly 30. You know, like, when... When we were young, yeah, there was no internet, right? So people now, they grow up, they, like, porno is now just available, right?

We used to have to find that shit in the woods, yeah? Back me up on that. Oh yeah, I would literally... People bury magazines in the woods. I would just go on a walk with my dog and be like, watch this box and it would just be full of porn magazines, right? And this one dude at schoolman just seemed to have like an unlimited supply.

I think this tabmast I had like a shop or something, right? And he gave me this picture. That's great. fucking tragic. Yeah, I know, right? This kid used to have an unlimited supply of born. Yeah, no, and he was like selling it around school, like a page. You'd like rip a page out and sell it for like quid, yeah?

Oh, I got a fucking mental story, but I need to get the person who is the story to sell it. Anyway, we've got too many stories, carry on. Right, so he ripped me out this page, yeah, and at the time, like, you know when you're like 10 and 11 and you start getting into chicks or whatever, yeah, and he'll just like, anything could turn you on. and you're just like, this is crazy, yeah? So he gave me this page from some point in magazine. It wasn't even like explicit. It was just like a page three equivalent. It was just like a chick with a boots out, right?

And I was like, this is sick. So I'd always think, where's the last place my mum's going to look? And it would be the pocket of my scout shirt, right? So I was at Scouts one day and it was summer and it was really fucking hot. And we were in the fucking woods, yeah. So the Scout hut, there's like opposite the, woods. There's woods near my parents' house and they're really deep. They're going for miles here. And there's the scout hut and then the woods and we were playing rounders or some

shit but there's like one clear area in the woods that's about half a mile in. So that's probably about 10 minute, 50 minute, 15 minutes, all back. I'm thinking, and this is before I knew I was allergic to everything. I've probably eaten like 10 blocks of cheese that day and a few baby bells and all that shit at lunch. And uh... Hang on, is this a shit in yourself story? Yeah, it gets very aggressive. No, and that doesn't. But this is why I had to quit scouts. Okay. So.

I forgot what we were talking about. We were playing rounders, yeah? And I'm like getting... Rounders is baseball. Like, yeah, imagine baseball. Little league. For like kids. Yeah, exactly Little League.

And I'm thinking, you know, when you get the lower, the lower, lower abdomen rumble and you're like, oh. And it's close. This is bad. Eventorreisen. This is not a normal shit. This is like, this is like acid coming up by assolable. stat.

So I say to the scout leader dude, I'm like, look man, can I have the keys? Because like, I need a shit. Bad. So he gives me the keys to the scout heart. And it was like one of them fucking like a film like Indiana Jones here. It was like a big thing with about 40 keys on it. And he's gone, it's this key. I'm obviously not even listening because I'm just thinking I'm going to shit.

So I'm like, yeah, yeah, sweet. It's that key. I'm running through the woods here. Like a full on fucking like some of them have got skulls. Yeah, yeah. Legit. I saw one of those sets of keys yesterday as like an ornament in a restaurant

I saw like only mayors have those keys like the huge ring and it's got ten different keys on it huge ones and it can open any door in the world apart from the scout hut so I'm fucking running through these woods yeah I get like to where the road is

and I'm like oh like you know when you got the shit and like uh like 11 or 10 I know when you got to go like when you need a normal sheet you're like, yeah, I can hold that. And it just absorbs into your blood and then something happens. I don't know where it goes.

I think that's the science. Same scientist that discovered flat earth. Oh, no, it is. Yeah, no, it's actually true, man. I think the guy that was Copernicus's rival actually did do an experiment and tested blood and there was actually feces in it if you held shit in. Yeah. So, hang on.

Any blood? So I'm like, by the road, yeah. And literally across the road, I'm talking like a normal road that you'd walk across, like a Jay Walk that would take you two seconds to walk across is the Scout Hut. I'm thinking, I forgot what fucking key it is. If I'm trying to fuck around with keys, I'm just going to shit myself.

It was like, at my hole. Don't tell me. You're going to tell me what you're about to say. In the woods, yeah, on the horizon off road, I'm like, I'm just got to drop it. I'm not going to make it. Yeah, so I dropped trial, yeah? And I fucking just squirt this fucking, like,

yellow bile acid out of my asshole right here. And I had nothing to wipe with. So I was like, fuck. So I pull my trousers up to like just under my ass cheeks. And I pulled my, I had like a white t-shirt on. And I pulled that over my ass, like really low. And I'm waddling across the road like a fucking duck. And I'm trying to find these keys.

And the keyhole was one of the ones that's like at the top of the fucking door. And obviously I was like 11. So I was probably like four foot saying. I'm reaching up and my t-shirts lifting up. And my shitty ass I was out. and I'm trying to undo this lock and I turn around here and there's a dude in a white van just on a mobile

on a phone right and he's just not even talking he's just literally looking at me like what am I seeing like there's a child like if I was on the phone to you as an old now I would literally say to you Craig like just stop talking I'm literally looking right now

at a child frantically trying to unlock a thing with medieval keys all over a fucking white t-shirt that he's obviously tried to cover his ass with and his jeans are below his bum and it's just shit everywhere and I was struggling with his key so much and I thought round two round two man like I was I do it in bouts my mom's house is about a jog a 30 second jog from the scout hug I had to jog it I if I walked it it would

have been like a public disaster yeah so I'm like knocking I'm like knocking the door yeah like you never heard I'm crying at this point literally I'm actually crying. My mum, I said the door and she's like, what the hell's going on? And she obviously

thought like saying real bad that happened at Scouts are saying, not to stereotype, but you know. Fuck me. I'm joking.

I was going to say though, I was going to say, so she's fine for you to go there. Yeah. Like, Russian roulette. Like,

oh fuck, today's a day. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. I knew it's going to happen at some point. Jesus.

So I'm literally crying. I'm still pulling my t-shirt down there. She's like, what's going on? And I'm like, oh my God, I just fucking shit myself, man.

I couldn't get the fucking key in the thing. I jump upstairs here. I'm banging the shit out. Like, just, I'm talking, it's not even a shit. I wouldn't even call it shit. It was like squash. It was like, or, or what's squash called in America? There's like gravy.

Gravy's universal. Yeah, it was, imagine gravy. Yellow gravy. Fruit juice. I'm shitting all this stuff out, man. Yeah, and then I'm crying on the toilet. And my mom goes, let me take you. Like, I'm like, I had shit all.

up the back of my t-shirt. I'm like, mum, help me on my t-shirt. She puts a t-shirt up, yeah. And then that drags it all up my back into my hair, everything, yeah? So, but my scalp shirt was still in the hut. Because it was summer, and it was hot, and we were playing around this. So I left my shirt in the hut, forgetting that I had the porno in the pocket, yeah?

And this is when, like, porno was, like, in battery, like, you don't want your mum now when you're, like, beating your meat or whatever, yeah? So I was like, right, I didn't want to know in any of that. So I'm so preoccupied with the fact that I've just ruined my life basically That I say to her Can you go please back in half an hour when they're back and just grab my shirt? And she's gone

What? There's going to be like 20 shirts there that all the scout shirts. I don't know and I said I've got this badge Yeah, I got this badge. I got this badge. Obviously I had all the badges because I'm a fucking angel Right. So She goes through and they're obviously like what shirts wills and gone through the pockets found the porno she's come back obviously sin I'm in a bad way so didn't want to embarrass me then and there

then about three weeks later I'm doing a boot sale with her and she's like her found the porn and I was like what and I was like devastated yeah I just literally went home and then so I just went to scouts the next day and I was like realistically you all know that I just shacked myself cried to my mum got shit up my back and my hair when I took my t-shirt off

she's found my porno then come back and publicly embarrass me about that so I'm just quitting scouts and they were like oh but you've got such potential here to be like an adventure scout and I was like I'm done

I'm done so I quit scouts would you rather shit yourself or fuck a goat or quit scouts or everyone thinks you've shit yourself but really all you did was have a porno in your pocket

trust me that's the one yeah get back to your fucking So, yeah, so my mum, right. She's a gardener. She's good. She's very good. We've done that. She's great.

Big Chairs. So she's out and about. There's two stories and they're quick. So she, if she's got a shit, like, whether it's solid or not, she's got a shit. Like, she's got like, she's got like a, like a, almost like a under a minute window of when she's got to do a shit, right? So she had a hip replacement surgery. and was told by her, like, what's that aftercare thing called? Doctor?

No, no, no. You know, uh, physiotherapist, yeah? Was told by the physio, look, man, you should, you should jog or whatever to, like, keep your hip at mobile. This is the story that you were telling mona cup. This is the one when Craig fucking had to stop getting to eat. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, so she was told by a physiotherapist to, like, jog lightly to keep movement in the hip and keep. keep it like in action to stop fucking up again, right?

So she, we got new next door neighbors. And you know, it's always kind of a little bit awkward. And you're like, oh, do you say what's up? Or do they just want to keep their own space? Because if I got new neighbors, I'd be like, I don't care. I don't want to speak to me. Because then it's all that fake like, like, oh. Yeah, I haven't spoke to him.

There you go. I speak to them. I like them. They love them. They're the best. Can't be asked of me. I've done one. So we got, this is when I still lived at my parents.

And they got new neighbors. And there was like a three week period of not speaking to him, which is kind of like, if this goes another week, we're just not going to speak to him. And she noticed that the wife from next door jogged. And she was like, right, sucked a bomb over in it because she went for light jogs to help her hip and that. So she goes next door and she knocks the door.

And the woman at the door is called Kate. She's lovely. And she goes, okay, I've noticed you jog. Which is no her name was Kate then. She's like, I just notice your jog. I'm from next door. Yes, what's your name? Yeah, all that, yeah.

Get that out of the way. They organise a jog, right? And I'm talking like, it's a block, but obviously, you know, British blocks are smaller than American blocks, right? But anyone in America listening that has a block, yeah? And a British block is like all the way around probably, what, half a mile. Yeah. In a full, you could do the full square in nothing, right? So you could jog that in five.

to 10 minutes even at a slow job yeah gentle jog so my mom organizes jog with this chick and she goes out and she's like three quarters the way around here back on the home stretch right just a straight road up and she's like oh I'm gonna fucking this is it she's getting that that bubbly lower intestinal I'm gonna shit the jaws that Thompson tray yeah bro trust me man she said this is what the scout up was like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's getting flashbacks of those things. She's just getting images of porno in her head right now. So she's wearing these, like, shitty new balance or whatever,

and she's kicking her laces undone deliberately just so she could literally, like, kicking him, just so she can bend over for any relief just to be like, oh. Do you know that? Yeah. Did she tell you that? Yeah. Kicking the lashes undone. She's told me this story in detail.

I'm relaying my mother's words. Yeah, this is from, I imagine I'm currently big. Shaz, yeah, just with the lower voice. I don't think you tell me that little touch. Yeah, so she's kicking her laces undone, deliberately, just so she can bend over. Because you know if, like, you're like, oh, the only thing that helps is if you curl up into like a little cashew nut, yeah? She's like, oh my God, this is it, this is the end, man. So she's like 100 metres away from the house.

It's not even far, yeah? She comes back, she makes it, like, miraculously, because that's rare for her. normally she's got a 90 meter limit without shitting herself and then she gets back and she's chatting to kate outside and she's going any excuse here like imagine i had just met you and i was going for a jog with you and i was like Craig uh realistically all you need to say is sorry not not the oh my god i'm going to fucking shit myself you just got so i'm blasting for the toilet you can even say i've got potatoes on oh man i've got a fucking potato in the oven it's going to be like I don't I don't like hard skins well you're having a bit of a chat at the end of the job yeah so they're just having a chat outside yeah my mom just decides you know what I can't get out of this she shits herself on the patio yeah by the door while talking to her mom while talking to kate like literally I'm talking she's outside of politeness yeah exactly it's British isn't it

he's pretty in America in America about I go shit myself then so yeah so she she shits herself and she says waiting like you were saying at the assembly she says waiting for the smell because she could get away of it currently for about what through joggers and pants I'd say there's like a 45 second

to one and a half minute boundary of your seapage allowance yeah this is going to smell it's physics it's flat earth it's flat earth it's flat earth

it's flat earth man so she shits herself and she's just going to Kate like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah obviously just real short answer mm-hmm yeah minkin I've got to get in there. And then she starts smelling herself and goes, fuck, Kate's going to smell it like any second.

So it just goes mid, mid sentence. Probably Kate's going, oh my God, it's so nice to meet you. Like, finally. And my mom just goes, sorry. And Kate's like, about what? And she's like, I've had an accident. And Kate's like, what do you mean you've had an accident? I've like been with you for the past like 20 minutes.

I've been basically doing a power walk around a half a mile block. What could happen? And my mom was like direct eye contact nod in like, I've had an accident and Kate it's obviously gone she shares out she's smirled it now

yeah she's happening it's hitting it it's banging her in the face like a fucking punch from Tyson she's just gone right

cool obviously nice to meet you yeah yeah right like oh okay still probably thinking how she shat herself she just want to get away

from this conversation that bad so big shaz rolls through yeah she comes running up the stairs two at a time right and obviously

that's shiggling stuff about, which she don't want to be jiggling about. She's in the toilet. And she's yelling down to my dad. He's also called Craig. She's going, Craig, Craig. He's like, what? Get the scissors.

Because she had to cut herself. Get the scissors. Get the scissors. She had to cut herself out of her pants on either side or for the American's underwear, not trousers. She had to cut herself out of her underwear on either. the side to literally lower them down like a crane so that if she like on a flat basis because if she had taken them off normally she would have soiled the floor so obviously the neighbor's gone in kate must have gone in and just said to the husband like yeah lovely joe yeah and and he's just

gone oh how's how's the neighbors yeah so just met this woman for 15 minutes and i think but i'm not sure that she shut her fucking trousers outside her own door when she could have said anything to go inside, like literally anything, even I'm going for it, I need a shit, I'm gone. And then they didn't speak for like two or three weeks again. And then my mum just literally wrote a note saying, Kate, sorry I shit myself, can we be friends? And now they're like best fucking friends, man. Did she send that? Yeah, literally post it for a letterbox.

It was that. That's the actual thing. Kate, sorry I shit myself. Can we be friends, Sharon? I would be friends with that person, no matter who they were. You could bypass my friend questionnaire. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Those three points are a goner.

But my favourite mum shit and herself story ever, even better than that. I've got millions, but this is the best one. I don't even know if you know this one. So as previously mentioned, she's a gardener, right? Yeah.

She gardens for like some wildly rich people that just can't be bothered. Like she'll even go and rake leaves and like shit that it would take two seconds, but whatever. But she was really like landscaping this woman's garden. And she was like a holistic, like a holistic reiki healer.

So she that shit's expensive, right? So say you were a client of this woman, you'd be paying like a hundred pound an hour to get this healing. My mum was doing her garden and her client had a client. So she couldn't knock the door and interrupt this ridiculous expensive session to go, sorry, I need to shit. So she digs a little hole out in the flower bed in this woman's garden that she's gardening in, bangs a log out in it,

covers it up like a dog and all I'm picturing is this guy right and he's paying like a hundred pound an hour it's like his temp session it's like a grand inn and he's like finally reached in a piece within himself and he just breathes the like exhal of relief

and he just looks out the window and he just sees like a 60 old woman doing a shit in a flat in a fucking hole you get a fucking section for that boy I've just seen this is fucking two hours and 30 minutes long it's the longest episode

so just changed shit I'm going to fuck off. Give me your top five bands really quickly. Right, top five fans ever. Nilele. Really? Yeah, love Nile.

What NileLation to Wicked. Best album ever made. I feel like we kind of have to talk about that. No, stop. We have to talk about this. It might end up being a fucking, it might have to be a three-hour podcast. It's going to hide your fucking,

the stuff you said about all women shitting themselves in the last three years. Annihilation of the Wicked. Yes. Right. I just like that because of the snare sound and it's just constant blast Did you ever fuck with

So the one after it Production was so bad I didn't really like it But it had some banners and it has I think what has the The longest song title ever Mate all of their song titles are No but this one on the album Itty Thithythalic

Yeah yeah I feel like They just make the song names up After they've written them And then they're just like yeah Whatever I think it's the longest song name ever Papyrus containing the spell to preserve its possessor against attacks from he who is in the water

is the name of the song It's an important piece of papyrus I mean it fucking must be But they slap yeah So they're old and they're still going And their drummer is sick They're singing it's sick They shred, like they're just sick

And also how can you have an Egyptian-themed death metal band And have that many albums and still Do you know he's never been? What? He's never been to Egypt Yeah, I don't doubt that. How insane is that, though? Imagine having that.

I mean, I love him. Yeah. And he's got like Egyptian instruments, he's got all that shit. I know, man. Never fucking being. Yeah. Well, he obviously loves it. Did you ever fuck with the one after Iffyphalic, which is called Those Who, The Gods Detest?

I don't know. What year was it? 2009? Probably. I reckon it's probably top, I think, maybe even top three death metal albums for me. Right. Okay. Unbelievable.

And the first song is called Cathair, right? Yeah. And it starts with the fucking Muslim call to prayer. Yeah. You know the fucking the shit that they put on the fucking at the mosque to get, which I've always thought is the sickest fucking like kind of evil sounding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It starts with that and then it goes immediately into blasts.

It's fucking sick. Oh, he does is blast that guy, man. I don't know how he doesn't fucking die. George Colius is a fucking legend. him anyway right top five

yeah Nile Nile probably for the sake of when I was playing guitar Necrophagist Love necrophagist Because it was just so tech

You're full fucking fucking death metal Yeah I really like Like Early Well even now They still slap

And I don't know How they're so good Now aborted Love aborted Love aborted Love them Talk with them A couple of times

Yeah Pretty good mates I listen to all the time I listen to a lot of weird folk shit though Like I there's a guy called John Banderslice Who is my like my all time favorite musician In world doubt anyone's probably heard of him I'm sticking on Aborted for a second

Yeah Do you know what sucks Aborted have an album called Global Flatline Right And for some fucking reason The title track of it Is not on Apple music Or Spotify

For some reason that one song And it's the fucking hardest song Of all time Is it to do with the name of it though because I know Spotify take off some stuff because, oh, is that the name of the song? Yeah, the song is called Global Flatline as well. Yeah, because I know Spotify took a lot of stuff off

because it was like... I mean, if Ingest is still on there with songs like intercranial semen injection. Without doubt, one of my favorite metal albums ever for diversity is acacia strain, but I can't remember, oh, mate, what's it? I'm even called. I was literally talking about yesterday.

Favorite album? Can't remember what it is. No, no, no. I'm like on the spot now but it's ridiculous it's got like chambered nautilus and brain dead on it and like it's just sick basically what does the cover look like it's got what color is it uh is it green

mate I can tell you right now no no it's not green it's got like a skull with like weird like stuff eating it it is called is it the blue or is it the weird red looking one uh death is the only mortal yeah right death is only mortal by the case to me, it's one of my favorite albums ever, because it's,

I love the case train in general, but every album is so different, and that's just ridiculous, and riffs on it, and everything, and it's so heavy, and just love it. Kevin,

the drummer wants to come on the podcast, we just need to sort it out. He's fucking really good. Yeah, I do right, drummers as well, I don't know if you know the drummer, but the guy from Viljata or the guy from Carbomb,

you should get them to, if you can. A lot of people ask for Elliot from Carbomb. He's ridiculous. He's fucking incredible, he's incredible, but I don't know him. This is my thing I love incredible drummers

But by the sounds of his drumming He's gonna sit here I'm gonna be all you're right And he's gonna go Yeah true man But yeah he does No offense I've actually met him before

And he was really nice I've just realized Fuck On the new single though He's sitting in a blast And the guitarist is doing like a lasers They got good again They like disappeared for the longest time

The album meta by them is sick But they're not in my top five bad You know what they should have done though No offense to Carbone because they were around like 10 years ago and then they disappeared and then they came back and everyone loves them but people like me go

oh carbon they've been around for ages I'm not going to listen because I haven't listened in ages when they should have just changed their name I was having this conversation the other day people are so scared to change their name so many bands have been going for ages here's another one I'm gonna fucking say it devil sold his soul

amazing band for some reason not as big as they should be. If they change their name and still played exactly the same music, everyone would think it was a new band and they fucking love it. When old bands get a new singer

and don't change their name because it changes the whole everything. Yeah. That's weird. But the final, for not necessarily as like I'm going to chill out and listen to them as a metal band,

but musically and creativity-wide, way, strapping young lad are one of my favourite fucking fans. I didn't realize we had such

music in common as well as that my name strapping young lad yeah shit storm by Shraping a lad

that song I listened to that and I'm just like what is their drummer thinking he's the best metal drummer

I've done I'm fucking incredible right literally ridiculous and Devin Townsend is sick and all his

you know Gene Oglin was the the middle drummer in death as well he's like he's in a

fucking OG legend legend yeah yeah but yeah like Shraping a lad everything

It's just like chaos, but it's like organized chaos. And it works so well, and it's ridiculous. What I mean? It's off alien. Alien's fucking crazy. You know the story of Alien? He's bipolar. Yeah, I know, I know.

And he stopped taking his meds. Yeah, he locked himself on a fucking bus for a while, isn't it? And like went crazy. Such good album. Yeah. Devon Townsend is literally like super diverse as this individual, but that band. My mum, my mum has met Devon Townsend. That's it.

I met him as well. She called him. Townsend, right? Because what happened? They recorded their new one, the Devin Townsend band. They recorded it in Mono Valley. Right.

And he recorded it with three different drummers. And one of the drummers and Noop, who have had on the podcast, was, needed a kit and he's a tamar artist as well. And I was like, you just use my kit. But you can use my other kit, but you've got to pick it up for my parents' house. So on their way there, they fucking stop there.

Yeah. Devin Townsend's like, oh sorry can I use your toilet and then my mum's like yeah and she's like oh nice to meet you and he's like my name's devon and she's like Kevin and then he's like no Devon and she's like oh Devon that's in like like the place and then she sends me a text like oh I met Kevin Townsend he was really nice one nice guy remember used to rock that skullet as well and it was just like dreads with no top have you seen I was there but I watched the rewatch the video of it strapping on her download two

2006. The first thing he says, Hi, stick this up your cunt. And then it starts. Oh, fuck. Sorry, Mom. And I've also just been talking about you and Kevin. But he said it. Your friend Kevin. Kev-E. Oh, Kev. Big Kev at Artmell.com. Said the C-word, not me.

You've given me all five now. I have done you. So we've got two things to do here. One, Luna's trying to shag Katie, who's just sat down. Yeah. That's fucking not cool for. Wait, what's she trying to do, though? She's got a vagina.

How she's pumping? It can be done. She's on steroids. Come here for two seconds, Katie. This is my wife. You've just got to do, you've never been on the podcast. You get talked about a lot.

I'm just going to ask you one thing. You've got to honestly answer. It's got to be one. No, you can't even think about it. It's nothing to do with you. This is not something I've said. It's someone, someone else has said, but not about you. You've got to come close here.

Have you shit yourself in the last three years? No, according to the last time you did shit yourself, so? None that I can recall. None that you can recall. So you've never shaked yourself. Not to my knowledge, no. Yeah, but you're like a... Well, as a title, yeah.

What do you mean when... So you have shit yourself then? Yeah, well, everyone shits themselves on the... There you go. Out of nappies. Not that I remember, no. No, but she's like a nice woman and, like, does horses and things, right? I'm talking, like, in a room of 100 women, it's probably...

realistic that at least a third of them have shat themselves recently from being either too drunk or doing some weird stuff. Yeah, but I'm boring now. Yeah, but it's definitely not boring. I think that's what good statistic. Okay, so in a room of 100 dudes, I'm going to assume that

probably 50% of them have shaked themselves in the past three years. Not everyone has this insane bowel situation that you have. No, no, not like that. Just imagine getting super drunk yeah, and just you wake up. I don't know I'm saying 50% that's saying out of like... One out of two.

And I've not in the car. You reckon one out of two? Well, there's two of us here, and we haven't in the last fucking year. I'm saying three years. I actually nearly shit myself with the gym the other day. Yeah, there you go. And I didn't check until I got home, but I did check. Anyway, that's fine.

The last thing, why have you got, we've got to fucking wrap this up? We're going all night, me. Why have you got a bumper sticker on your car that says, what does it say? No pies are left in this vehicle overnight. This is a good story. You're like this as well, actually. So I used to date this chick here called Jade and we're friends now But we were super not friends when we broke up

Because When I met her I was like slim and all that yeah I was like 19 I was like a nice normal like look and dear like Obviously he ripped a shit I was like a young Hercules yeah I was like you obviously ripped to shit I was like what you're trying to get to

You're showing off more now than my wife's here No I'm joking So I was with her for like like a year or two and then we broke up and I ended up and also Jady if you're listening I'm sorry because you're actually safe now and I I get on with you but at the time she fucking hated me right and we were living together and I was paying like my half I agreed to move out but I would pay my half the rent so our tendency was up then when we moved out officially the landlord was like yeah you're missing like three months rent because for those

was six months she hadn't paid her half of the rent even though she was telling me she had so she was like oh she was like um whatever fuck you don't care yeah and i was like man i've had to pay you a half of the rent right which it wasn't much it was like a thousand and something something pounds yeah so i paid this money off and then i kept hitting her up and i was like man when you when can i get this money like i had to repaint the flat and all that i was like just you owe me money when i get my money and you And I put on loads of weight, yeah. I was like super fat at this point. And she was like, oh, I would give you your money back,

but I know you'll just spend it all on pies. So for like a year and a half, I told this to my friend Ali. And Ali was like, just called me Pie Boy. And I was just called Pie Boy, right? For like two years because I would have apparently spent like $1,500 on pies. So I was just Pie Boy to all my pals here. And I was like, fuck this, man. So Ali bought me a sticker for my car that said no pies left in this vehicle overnight

As part of the random joke I put it on that shit's like a vinyl and I cannot get it off What does it say again? No pies left in this vehicle overnight But since then I've never had my car broken into So I can only assume that anyone that had previously broken into my car Was looking for pies? So I got a bumper sticker story right me and Katie had just moved in to our old flat

and some guy pulled into the car park really fast nearly knocked Katie over Katie like shouted at him or something and he fucking screamed at her right I wasn't in screamed at her said like you shouldn't have been fucking walking or whatever

it was just a cunt basically and then I got home and Katie was like oh this has happened Kate was quite upset It was like, oh, this has happened. And it was like the scummy family. And I was like, oh, we just moved in. What do I do? Like, do I go knock on the door and go have a fight with the dad of the scummiest family in the village?

And they're just kind of fucking fire by my house or something. I didn't know what to do. So I came up with an ingenious plan. And what I did was I went on eBay. Right. I got a vinyl bumper sticker. He loved his car. I got a vinyl bumper sticker that's,

said I love my anal beads and at night I went and applied it to the bumper of his car amazing and I imagine he was driving around for quite a while with I love my anal beads on his car amazing that was my little that was my redemption

anyway I'm stopping this because it's fucking long you're a hungry vegan boy please don't shit the bed I'm not going to thanks for coming on what's the name of your shop again Beacon of Hope tattoo on his home and Thompson Tattoes at Thompson Tattoes

H-O-M. Is he giving people a discount or just being nicer to them? I'm just a nice guy, man. Just come through, we'll listen to some music. We'll drink some beers. He's quick and he's good. Quick. And because he's quick, the pain doesn't last as long.

And if you say when you come in, the downbeat, I'll add 25% onto your bill at the end. Grussel. There's some gristle shit. Yeah, for real. Respect. Thanks, mate. Bye. No worries.

Later.