The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #100 Rehab Improv with Lucas Connolly

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

We celebrate the 100th episode of The Downside with our second ever live episode and people actually came this time! Lucas Connolly joins as our guest to share the downsides of passing your driver’s test while high on heroin, getting arrested for arson even thought you were trying to put the fire out, having four moms, doing improv in rehab, and stealing a safe from your parents in order to buy drugs only to find out it contains baby pictures. Russell also tells a story his mom told him that will ruin your day! You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Listen to our live weekly show on AMP, every Tuesday at 4 PM ET. Follow Lucas Connolly on Instagram and Twitter Check out Lucas' show, Ambush Comedy, every Wednesday at Two Boots Pizza in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's monthly show in NYC (first Sunday of every month) Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, Debbie Downsiders. This is Joe Marcos-Horazi, and I'm in a pretty good mood, so give me a second. Hi. So this is a live episode, and I was not planning on releasing it. Live episodes, they can sound a little rough because the recording system is all different, but it was so good, I had to share it. It was with Lucas Connelly, and russell was there too and it was our second live episode the first one that was tough it was a good episode it was with ashton womack great guest but we had like four people there and for this one we we nearly sold it out which is less impressive if you knew the size of the room but it was still very cool i do worry that uh based on the number of people were there and based on

the number of listens we have per podcast, that all of you listening were there for the taping, but I want to put it out there. The thing you should know, I guess, is that two things. One, we did talk to the audience a little bit throughout. we even had one heckler, like a really, really inappropriate heckle, frankly. But I basically had to use, I was recording it also on my iPhone as a backup. So when we talked to the audience, it's just a little parts throughout. You'll hear like it go. And that's because we had to amp up the volume so you could hear the audience member responses. But other than that, it's pretty smooth.

so you could hear the audience member responses. But other than that, it's pretty smooth. And the thing at the end, it was like we were about to announce something, but then we didn't. It was that the downside has been picked up by Amazon for a new app they have called Amp. Now, before I go any further, this does not change the regular downside podcast.

Don't worry. When I made this announcement, no one said, congrats, good for good for you oh you finally made some money they just said it's just gonna fuck up the regular feed regular feed is fine nothing will change about that but now if you would like to listen to me and russell and a guest live we will be uh airing it on this app called AMP. It's owned by Amazon. Every Tuesday, 4 to 5 p.m. EST. Tuesdays, 4 to 5 p.m. EST. And it's produced by Above Average Productions, which you may know of.

Probably not. And if you missed it or you want to hear it later, we will then be releasing the audio from those live episodes onto our Patreon. We have a Patreon. We stopped it a while ago because I was tired of making shit for three Patreon members, but it's grown. And if you go there, basically what you get

every normal episode, ad-free, you get all these AMP episodes a couple days after they air. We have a 48-week contract, so that's a lot of episodes coming up. And if you go back, you can listen's a lot of episodes coming up and if you go back you can listen to a bunch of extra episodes russell and i made that were patreon exclusives that are i think are pretty good and it was before anyone was listening so we probably said some shit in there

that will someday cost us millions of dollars so go listen take a look find something submit it to vulture get us in trouble and um otherwise that's the news it's very exciting but uh time to bring it back down enjoy as best you can the downside son of a bitch i forgot to say the patreon wait i'm about to cease not editing it patreon.com slash downside. $5 a month. Even if you don't want the extra shit, you could just subscribe just as an act of goodwill

so I can someday get a podcast studio. You don't understand from the video, this room is tiny. It's tiny. It's hot. Even when it's cold outside, it's hot. So in the summer, it's brutal. Join the Patreon or don't.

I do appreciate listening to this. Thank you, Debbie Downsiders, Negative Nancys, and Pessimistic Peters. Enjoy. Also, just to give you a visual, like we're not recording this. I am, I just got back from Chicago. I am sitting naked on a wood floor, hunch over a mic uh uh recording this and uh if you'll excuse me i need to go clean the floor this is the downside ladies and gentlemen are you guys here for a show welcome to sash comedy uh thank you so much for joining us tonight this is the first live podcast we've ever done uh this is a independent comedy theater that John Marco has been so graceful enough to figure shit out here and we're doing some pretty cool stuff

and I'm really excited to have you guys thank you for making the trip give it up for yourselves rock and roll so let's get this show cooking I need you to give me some love right now for your host for the evening. He's the very special man in charge. Give me some energy for John Marco Cerezi. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, my God. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hello.

My name is John Marco Cerezi. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels. Hello. And our special guest, Lucas Connelly. Please give it up for Lucas. This is our second live podcast, and I don't think we learned anything from the first one. Not at all, but we did a little more prep this time. Yeah, I have a notepad. That's it. We don't have the sound cue, so...

No. Should we... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So, Downside. Boop, boop, boop. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Downside. Boop, boop, boop, boop. The Downside with John Marcos and Ray Z. Welcome. We're so excited to have you. Thank you. This is way more than our first live one. Yes.

Oh, God. It was sad, that first one. None of you came to that first one. We're very happy. A real quick round of applause for Sesh Comedy Club. They put this together. This is their first live podcast, so I'm sure this is going to be unlistenable

when we play it back. But we're very happy to be here because I live very close. So yeah, a lot of things to complain about. but we're very happy to be here because I live very close. So, so, so yeah, a lot of, a lot of things to complain about.

And I think we have, I think a story from the, from the audience to complain about too. But at first I want to, I want to, you go first. I like yours. Yeah.

So I was telling John Marco on the way here, my mom called me today and we're about to go on a family vacation. So I thought it was about that. So, but then she's, the first thing she said was, you know cc who lives across the street and i was like this is not gonna be about vacation um and it's not cc oh cc graduated no no no i was like and i was like because i don't really know cc like i know it's a neighbor but i'm like already like this is gonna be a bad story so she said um she said you know cc from across the street said yeah yeah and she goes well you'll never believe what happened to her husband's ex-wife

and i said i said like mom it's okay like i barely know cc so like if it's like if it's a bad story we don't need to like it's fine and she goes no it's it's really bad and i was like no no again like it's okay like she goes, so she hit a tree. And I was like, yeah, again, she goes, she had time to call 911. And then she burned to death. And I was like, mom, I didn't know. I don't know who this woman is. I don't know.

She goes, Russell, there was a dog in the car too. And I said, mom, I never knew any of these people or the dog existed. Cece, I don't even know what Cece looks like. So now my mom told me that story. Now you all have to hear it too. It went away. This was you doing what your mom did with you.

She doesn't have a podcast where she can express it to people. She just has one son to call. But there's a human thing about wanting to share awful news like that. I don't know what it is. I was just really... And then the dog was pregnant, so there was a lot of puppies. Jess goes deeper and deeper.

The real thing was that at one point, Cece's husband had raised the dog as a puppy. But I was like, I don't know Cece's husband's name. She should be like a screenwriter or something to get this off. Brutal, brutal. How are you doing? I should have gone first. That was great.

So, okay, this is one. I pride myself for this podcast on not trying to look like a good person, being honest about the person I am. You're doing a good job. So I headlined City Steam Brewery in Connecticut, Hartford, Connecticut. Big deal. Been there before. And I brag about it.

Not trying to brag. They turned off the refrigerators. So I will eat a lot of shit. I'll deal with terrible conditions. We work at a comedy club, LOL Comedy Club. Notoriously terrible. But when I'm headlining, if there's a menu,

basically, it's a menu, not a lot of healthy options. I like to get the salmon. And sometimes at some of these comedy clubs, and they did this to me, they go, you can get anything you want except for the salmon. And I said, I'm getting the salmon or I'm not performing yes yes wow and i sold a lot

of tickets i deserve the salmon it's not that much for them wait is this a standoff with the waitress like who are you telling this to so obviously no no so there was clearly there was someone who was like giving the information i I wasn't going to shoot the messenger, but I gave a message back for him to put to the manager and basically saying like, because that's bullshit. What if I said, hey, just so you know, because I don't get the salmon, I'm not going to do my best jokes tonight. I'm just going to do the appetizer jokes.

I'm just going to do the setups, no punchline, because neither of us are getting enough money out of each other for this evening. Yeah. And that's my line. Is food for me is where I won't be treated poorly. If it's there. Right?

You disagree? I just imagine you texting your manager. You're like, never again. And my manager's like, we're making $20 commission on this. Yeah. Saturday night. we're not dealing with this so I want to talk all about you but I did we were going to go into the audience

and then a particular audience member came up to me and they have a story I posted a clip recently it was about my high school theater department and we did a lot of plays that we shouldn't have done. And I said that, you know, we did Pacific Overtures,

a Stephen Sondheim movie about Japan. And they cast the one Asian kid in all of high school, I think just to like ameliorate it somewhat, but it wasn't enough. Yeah. And then, I feel the sounds in the room. Keep going. And then we did a show called arabian nights uh-huh i gotta delete these pictures off my facebook by the way and and uh and then the

joke i made i said uh thank god we never did a raisin in the sun and uh not a theater crowd it's okay uh the whole cast is black and and um and originally i was gonna do that. They hired me to do a fundraiser early on in stand-up. So I made the mistake. I sent them all the jokes in advance. And they wrote back, please do not tell that joke. So I got to tell it on stage. And it's only because I had an audience member who went to my high school, was in my grade.

Her name is Mackenzie Fowler. And she's here. Would you come up and tell us, share? So yes. Thank you. So Mackenzie was telling me that she had a story because the clip started because she was talking about how uh uh it was uh I believe that you said the word was GDS I said the name is too late GDS does not like black people you did say that and uh i'm excited to not host the next gala because of it but but tell me the story you were gonna say because i'm dying to hear okay so um the individual who who taught corral he um begged me to audition for the musicals okay i did not what are we talking about yeah okay wow yeah and um wow he then called my mom a couple years

later and so my mom made me do it i could say no to a teacher but you know sure i'm black so you can't really say no to a black mom so my mom made me audition i I auditioned for Little Shop of Horrors. For the initial audition, I sang Part of Your World, Killed It, Killed the Dancing, of course. Again, you know. You know who went to our school. I killed the dancing. We were in an a cappella group together, too, right? Weren't we in one of them? Yeah, we were in different ones.

No, I think I was in one. Yes. No, I was in that one. Uh-oh. What was it called? It was called rapture you weren't in that one okay you're right yeah yeah you weren't in that one good thing good thing uh okay so you auditioned you killed it dance killed it i killed the audition call back okay i didn't check my email I didn't know I got the call back and so I know so uh the individual who taught chorale he uh found me and he was like Mackenzie you got the call back this is the song you have to sing whatever blah blah blah but like I didn't know the song like he didn't have time to like tell me what it was and so destroyed the song and um yeah it wasn't good but um

obviously I did not get I was not in the show um but I asked Michael to have Elaine because I did really really really well in the first audition but I asked him like what happened he was like um the two the two other ladies in charge of the show um they didn't want you in it because you didn't have any acting experience but i'm like dude you knew that i didn't have any acting experience you called my mom and like you made me audition but you know because of whom those other two were uh-huh he you know he couldn't really do much. You should have had your mom call them. I feel like your mom could have made you Seymour if she wanted to. Yes, a black mom can do that.

Well, well, fuck them. You should have been it. Do you still sing? A little bit. A little bit. You want it? Would you really? Oh my God!

Do you want to sing? Yeah! Come on! I don't know what to sing, so... Yeah, we just want to... Are you passing it off? Russell will sing for you. All right, well...

Mackenzie, Mackenzie, clap it up for McKenzie. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I appreciate it. Kick off an exciting football season with BetMGM, an official sportsbook partner of the National Football League. Yard after yard, down after down, the sportsbook born in Vegas gives you the chance to take action to the end zone

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i was seymour by the way just to clear. I want to make sure that was understood in the through line of the story. But now your brother does acting. How's it going? Career's going good? If that wasn't picked up by the mic, I'm sure it was. It was very high. You're still in school.

It's not too late to quit. Or start that podcast now. Don't wait until you're 30 to start a Yeah. It's not too late to quit. Or start that podcast now. Don't wait till you're 30 to start a podcast. Start it now. It's like an investment. It's like putting money into savings.

It doesn't pay off until 10 or 20 years down the line. This is your one and a half? One and a half, yeah. One and a half. Yeah.

We have not made money yet. Soon. Soon. Do you have an announcement? Yes. Soon. So. Speaking of no money.

So Lucas Connelly. Hey. Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. We work at a club called LOL Comedy Club. How many of you have been to LOL Comedy Club? That's what I thought. One hand raised. Who raised their hand? You have?

Why? You have? Why? What happened? Oh, you're talking to two different people. Oh, no, no. Your girlfriend. There's someone in front of you, Tobo. My girlfriend raised her hand. Yes, you have been there, honey.

I'm sorry for making you go. Worst date ever. Why did you go there? I used to date someone Not No Can you say who? I think it's Bradley Marcos

Oh my god Bradley Marcos We're openly shitting on other comics I don't know them I don't know them They suck Oh wow other comments? No, I don't know them. I don't know them. I'm not going to do that for anybody. But they suck. Oh, wow.

So we work there a lot. Yeah. But I've always wanted to have you on the podcast. I really want to talk about the downsides of rehab. Okay. Surprise!

Here's the thing. It's an intervention for my intervention. Lucas is very, you have four moms and you talk about it on stage, but you told me, you said you've talked about these four moms too much. Lesbian moms.

Yeah, we put it together. Just want to make sure that everybody understands why I'm like this. Just want to make sure. A Mormon dad is the only other explanation to have four moms. That's right. Or very straight moms or lesbian moms. I don't think you would sound as gay as I am

if I had a Mormon dad. Sure. Debatable. I will fist fight a woman. I don't care. I'm raised by lesbians. This is what they taught me uh where where was that where was the dad though there is a dad oh lenny yeah lenny lenny was my uh my donor my sperm donor

so it was a sperm donor oh yeah i didn't know it was from the beginning yes so i'm artificially inseminated yeah what do you know about lenny? Oh, I know a lot about Lenny. Lenny has my annoying voice, but higher. Have you met him? Oh, I've met this guy. He has a stutter. He's bald. And I feel bad for him.

And he's chubby. More than me. When did you meet him? Oh, a million times. A million times. So you're friends? You're him? Oh, a million times. A million times. So you're friends? You're friendly? No, no, no.

Why have you met him so many times? Why do you keep... Is this a bad relationship? Oh, so it's just like every time we like... So my mom, I was raised in Buffalo. That's where she lived in a commune with Lenny with a bunch of her other hippie friends. Then we moved to Wyoming.

Then anytime we went back to uh buffalo it was like all the commune gets together and so there lenny would try to be like hi so lenny so yeah yeah a lot it's tough a lot of questions what was the commune focused around what was it a religious thing or was it a community thing? It was mostly hating men. Lesbians. What was Lenny doing? Being part of the patriarchy. Wait, but Lenny

so it was a community of mostly women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lesbian women. Yes. And was Lenny there just to like blow off some steam? They yelled at him? Oh, they hate there's all these stories about it. Why did they want to see that? All right.

So he was part of the community, but he was like a fruititarian, whatever the one that eats fruit, like the worst, like vegan, and then it's the worst one after that, like fruititarian or something. So he was like, he didn't like the patriarchy either.

Yeah, yeah. He was raging against everything. Was he gay? No, no no no very straight he's just there he's just yeah he's just there in the meeting like you're right they were bad we were yeah yeah yeah like it was kind of like they were all like they all had like burn they were like generation one burn your bra feminists okay so he was like part of that like how you can have allies that are.

But was he like in the community? Did he have a partner there? Was he dating? Was he like, or was he just like happy to be there? I have no idea. This is a deeper question. I never asked. He's just like there for all the brawless titties, I guess.

And he's just like. The angry brawless titties. Yeah. Yeah. All right. He's jumping around spats. he's like i guess it's worth the trade-off of being hated by every person here yeah so then so they specifically asked lenny can we have your sperm and he's do you have do you have uh half siblings yeah i do how many one

different from a different yes okay yeah of. I've never met him. Oh. You've never met him? No, I have this like weird idea that like an ex, someday I'm going to see a picture of him and they're going to be dating someone that looks just like me and it's going to be my sperm donor son. But do you know who he is? I like you going up to a little child on the street.

I'm your uncle. Why don't you want to meet him? No, I... That would be a great podcast, meeting your unknown half-brother. Oh, you know what? Have a better hook than this podcast. That's unique.

That feels like it wins an award. Yeah. It's like a documentary. Do you not want to meet him? No, I would meet him. I just am not that interested in getting to know Lenny more. Sure. Oh, okay. Text him. What's the address of that interested in getting to know Lenny more. Sure.

Text him. What's the address of the guy? Do you know his name? Your half brother? David. You don't have to say it. David! Find me. What if David listened? How great would that be? And then we had David on. What?

He's way funnier. David, come on out. That would be amazing. Okay, but you've talked so much about your moms. Uh-huh. So, I mean, based on this history, it makes sense why you got into drugs. Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A very open-minded household. Yeah, this is why lesbians shouldn't have kids. They do drugs later. Great. Don't pull back back i can say that it's my life experience uh so so because i met you after drug were you doing stand-up before you did anything no i was i was doing drugs before anything sure how how old did you start uh 12. 12. And what was it? What did it start with? Booze.

Booze. I would take a little bit of every drink in the liquor cabinet. In the liquor cabinet. Did you refill it with water? No. Because your moms weren't checking. I just think that was an easier way of getting caught, is that the booze wouldn't taste right.

Sure. That's a good point. I stole from my dad's scotch probably at 13 or 14 think that was a easier way of getting caught is that the booze wouldn't taste right sure that's a good point i stole from my dad's scotch probably at 13 or 14 and refilled it with water but he never touched it what was your first alcohol uh just beer i never stole it from like a liquor cabinet at what age you don't have to be judgy later no i paid for mine thank you very much the first time the first time i did i think it was later it was like probably sophomore junior high school and i paid like probably like three friends we paid like 25 each for a six pack like one six pack like we paid older people someone you waited outside the store no we like had an older brother connection and met

in like a backwoods road. Did you feel very cool? No, I was terrified. They had it in the trunk. It was snow. And we drove for 45 minutes to get it. And then we split a six pack, the three of us. And we were so drunk.

You paid $75 for the six pack? Yeah, something like that. It definitely was at least $20 each, I remember. Sure, sure. I got to get into that. We need some extra money. So you started there, and then, because this is where our paths split. Yeah, so then weed, then pills.

So weed, so when was weed? Like, almost, you know, like six days later. Really? Yeah. Really is a gateway. Really is a gateway drug. you know like six days later wait how do you get into pills like what how does that happen we skip the weed okay russell's like i know weed i'm a commune i know how they got weed john marco 12 yeah well where did you, at school? Was that at school? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God damn. What grade is 12? Seventh. Yeah. Seventh grade. Yeah. I guess, was it a good school, or just there were weed people there? It was a Montessori prep school.

Montessori. Yeah, and don't go send your kids there. Montessori, that's the, like, where they don't really teach you anything. They're like, here's a tree. Yeah. Everything you need to know is right there. Children will be back in five hours. Yeah.

No, Montessori's where there's more than one teacher in a classroom. Okay. Not enough to watch the weed trades. And did you like getting high at that age? Was it scary? Oh, I loved it. You loved it right at the game.

Boom. Joints. Anything. We did this weird thing where we took a Bic pen and we took out the thing and then we made a tin foil thing, like a crack head. Oh, yeah.

Out of a Bic pen? Yeah. That was the first thing we smoked out of. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Wow. Okay, so then how many was it more than six days before the pills? Or was it the pills? I don't know. Same day. No, it was in the same

like once the faucet was on, it was go time. So did you have any of the like, I'm 33. How old are you? 36. 36. Like I felt I was definitely of the generation you two of of drugs are bad yes egg egg egg in the frying pan and it like it worked on me i still see cigarettes like sometimes i'm like that's when i'm smoking a cigarette once a year i'm like this is wrong

i had an audition for the comedy store and uh before this thing someone offered me a cigarette i was like sure i'll do it and i went on stage and in the first 20 seconds suddenly i i got something you know my throat wasn't used to it so i like was about to cough the whole set and i was too scared to ask for water during the audition because you only have five minutes and i i think i bombed it i think i blew it uh but but okay so big pens must be even rougher on the throat. Oh, it's disgusting. Oh, man, there's a taste and you'll never forget it. So then pills, have you ever been offered pills? Offered?

Never. It's scary. You know, I wouldn't know how to do them. I mean, I know how to eat them. But, like, I know know like, I'm always worried about like, the like, I always hear like,

about someone taking any drug and dying like immediately and I always think that would be me if I did. Sure.

So my limit is marijuana. I remember I was in driver's ed and that was the first time someone had a bag and they said, do you want, and they didn't know

what it was and I was like, no way. Oh man, I passed my driver's test high on heroin. Sir. Sir. That's what's up because I didn't pass it six times

and I was sober as fuck. Oh, no. I did a parallel park on heroin. That should be the test because if you can do it then, you're a good driver. That's what I thought. Okay, so do you remember

did it start with a specific pill or was it just give me pills? It was Adderall. It was the ones with the beads. So there's XR and then there's amphetamine salts. That's the ones that are the... I could go on and on about this kind of shit.

Where are they coming from? Yeah. Oh, kids because kids are ADD in school. Oh, okay. And those are the kids that are smoking weed too.

I've had the thought, maybe this is inappropriate, but I've always wanted to try Adderall. What? You haven't done it? Do you still friends with that kid?

Yeah. In the seventh grade? I can't believe you haven't done kids meth. I've with that kid? Yeah. Your seventh grade? I can't believe you haven't done kids' meth. I've always thought like, oh, this is how I'll finish the screenplay. It's like I'll do Adderall, and then I'll write the thing. Have you started a screenplay?

Just the title in my head? It's called The Downside. So it was just everything. Was there anything at the time where you're like i'm not gonna do that or were you just like i'll try anything fuck it this is awesome yeah i yeah i didn't really think i guess i was more scared of large quantities uh-huh than i was scared of a thing. Sure. So Adderall was the main one in the beginning at least? Oh yeah. That's the first intervention.

Really? Yeah. That was around 14, 15. So who threw the intervention? My friends. Oh. That's wild. 15 years old having an intervention? They were all passing weed around and going, you can't do speed anymore or we're not going to smoke you out anymore.

Oh. How many interventions have drugs at the intervention? Yeah. This is the first and it's, but it happens a lot when you're doing like drugs the way I was doing drugs. A lot of people are like, you have a problem. Yeah. Sure, sure. So were you doing okay of people are like, you have a problem. Yeah, sure.

Sure. So were you doing okay in school or like, were you able to function with all this stuff or were you like struggling to like, you know, finish your shit and no, no, I was pretty good at school because all the Adderall and again,

every paper done immediately. Yeah. It wasn't challenging. And what'd you say? Feel free to heckle. I know I love to hear it. You look like you're thinking about Adderall. This might help with memorizing lines.

I could feel that. So you had this intervention. Were they serious or were they just like, you got to stop? They were real serious. Like, real, real serious. And what did you think at the time? I don't want to not smoke weed i like weed more so okay so you were like okay okay so that was the thought that came in my head so i stopped

right right like doing it like how i was i was doing it every single i was like full addict yeah yeah mode and your mom's anyone like think of anything or like did they they were like are you okay or did they just not see it? Oh, I'm actually like a real ADHD person. So actually when I take Adderall, I turn into like a better person. That's tough. Yeah.

I get better driving when I'm on heroin and I do way better. I had this thought, I was like, I want to see you do stand-up on Adderall. Oh, it would be so tight. You'd be like, wow, he's not doing crowd work. That's so nice. So you curbed it down.

You stopped a little bit. Yep. And your friends kept smoking you up. Yep. And then what was the next dip? I got sent to the alternative school. I didn't get sent. For a second I thought it was

for alt comedians. Alt comedians go to the alternative school. Basically, I read out of a book. Alright. You were sent. You got arrested. I got arrested.

For what? I burned down a field. I got arrested. For what? I burned down a field. I got an arson charge. Oh my god. Yeah. Wait, did you... Ladies! Did you intentionally burn down a field or was it accidental?

I don't like fireworks, but my friends like fireworks. There was this firework that basically if you shot, like, pulled the thing and threw it on that basically if you shot like pulled the thing and threw it on the ground it shot like sparks in a circle okay yeah he just threw that firework in the middle of a field in wyoming in the middle of summer your friends did yeah and you just happened to be there i just happened to be there oh and i had like a jug of all the liquor i stole from my parents. So I did try to put it out with the liquor. So yeah.

I mean, I guess they don't necessarily teach that at school yet. That's the problem when you pretend that kids aren't doing things. You don't tell them important lessons like if a field's on fire, don't throw your parents' liquor onto the fire. I also fanned it. I found like a metal So the police are like, you're clearly an arsonist. You did everything you could to expand this fire. I also fanned it. I found like a metal piece. So the police are like, you're clearly an arsonist.

You did everything you could to expand this fire. Yes. You gotta also remember, I was wearing a trench coat at the time. You're like, I tried to smother it with sticks, light sticks on top of it. Yeah. So you all were arrested. They're your friends too?

Yes. So we went back to my buddy Bill's house and we were hiding away and we all were like, we might get in trouble in school. They're not going to catch us right now, but maybe they're going to be able to figure out who did this.

So you left the field? We left the field. We got away from the field. We could watch it from his window, the smoke coming up. It could have maybe burned down the whole town. It was huge did you just watch it until it had died out we basically just watched it or you did you go to sleep and you're like it's still there no fingers crossed good night no so we were feeling a lot of we were feeling a lot of anxiety so we you. So we did a lot more Adderall. And we got to calm down.

And we're hanging out. And all of a sudden, the cops knock on the door. We had hid away the fireworks. But Bill's little brother, Chris, had found the fireworks. And he was an absolute psycho. He was throwing them over the fence at the neighbor's dog. For a second, I was going to be like,

it's bold of you to call someone else a psycho during this story. No, this guy's like a real, like everyone was like, what did he do? Like, yeah. He was lighting them and throwing them over the fence at a dog.

Did the dog survive? No, it was like near, like it wasn't, he wasn't like trying to hurt the dog. He was just trying to scare a dog because he thought that would be entertaining. Right, right, right. So we,

this is the first time I've like interacted with police officers, but we had already planned what we were going to say to the police. Like we'd already done all of this. What was the lie? All right. We were,

we were, we were doing a Soul Calibur tournament, which is a video game, basically like Tekken. That's the reference that helped them understand it. Tekken? Mortal Kombat at the most, but Tekken. Oh, God.

So Soul Calibur, you were playing a video game tournament. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you had an alibi. Yes. Oh, i thought this was like how the fire started like you did a combo so intense sparks yeah we're shooting fire out of our hands yeah and it was very i had a lie it was with school like about getting drunk on campus and having like a lie at that age people are at that age they crack really easily so that's actually exactly what happened so so i was i was you know i was on adderall so

i was actually perfect citizen calm everybody everything was fine but uh my buddy bill was not uh he was all spun up and so all of a sudden i just they separated us into three groups. All of our stories in different places. And I all of a sudden just hear Bill going, he goes, we were here! We were here playing Soul Calibur! He was screaming at this cop, and I just was like, he did it. And was that the first time? It's funny, that was the first time they asked him. It wasn't like a third question.

It was like, where were you? How are you here? So you all went, did you go to jail? No, I basically got took, like I was in the car. And they were like, wait till your parents answer the phone. We might have to put you in a cell. You're how old now? 15, 14.

Okay. Were you freaking the fuck out? Or the Adderall, you were fine? The Adderall, everything was fine, basically. Yeah. Sounds great. Yeah. So, okay, so you got in trouble with the police,

and because of that, your parents sent you to this different school? So I got sent to the different school, and they asked me what was my problem, and I said, oh, I think it's all the bad influences. You should send me to the alternative school where there's a lot better influences. And why did you...

Did you want to leave school? So I found out the alternative school didn't have homework. There you go. So, did someone else here go to an alternative school? I heard a yep. Yeah. Yeah? Where are you?

And why did you go to the alternative school? I got suspended too many times. Got suspended too many times. They were like, oh, third suspension, you're done. You got to go to an alternative school. Fuck. That was all everyone at the school had that story? Yeah, it sounds like a craze.

This school must have been wild. It was unbelievable. Now that's why they needed two teachers in every room, because every student was a fucking... A convict? So you go to the alternative school. This is now high school. This is now high school. Okay.

And the alternative school more drugs. Oh, so much more drugs. No judgment to you or you, but it seems like there'd be a lot more drugs there. Is that your experience too? Yes. Okay, great. You're going to be like, I'm from your rehab Lucas, it's me.

They unzip. They were in their 12th grade because, like, people that were pregnant in high school could go there. And, like, they could have their kid. And then, like, the kid could go to daycare and they could still go to school. And it was, like, anybody that got expelled plus, like, the girls, plus just the linkers. Mackenzie, our school doesn't sound so bad after all now, does it? Sure, we had some problems, but... I actually thought that the whole time.

I was like, oh, it was racist? Oh, no! I was like, I was worried about getting shivved. I was like, I was worried about getting shivved. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I thought Montessori schools, I always thought that they were like the artsy schools. That was before this. The alternative school.

The alternative school, it was not like that at all. There was no art at the alternative school. Did you have smoke breaks every two classes? Uh, yeah. Yeah! In between every class, actually. Every class, oh. Smoke, like the teacher was like, now smoke break?

Yeah. We would all leave class. They would go outside the fence of the school, and then we would all light up. Oh my God, inside the school. That would be risky risky you know but yeah for those listening at home when there's big gaps in us talking that's an audience member i promise the next live one we will mic them up but uh uh so so you so okay so then you go there

and is there is there a new drug introduced at this time oh yeah, yeah. This is when I start doing where all my friends start smoking crack and doing heroin. They wouldn't let me do it because I'm an addict, but... Yeah. They're like,

dude, we've seen you with other things. You're not doing this. And I'm like, are you doing another intervention while smoking crack? So you're staying friends with the old

friends or did they go with you to the saltura school they all went with they all went okay jesus christ so so they start doing crack and how are they able to get it but you're not it's just they have more money they have they have the connections and i just never got them sure also i wasn't looking for it i was still like uh trying to smoke weed every day so so then when do you do they ever give you crack and how do you finally get oh yeah so eventually they go so i'm valedictorian of the of the alternative school top grades out of all the kids and all the classes oh my god you're the success story of this high school. Oh yeah.

Are you kidding me? You being on this podcast is going to go on their newsletter. Oh man, this is going to be so exciting since Comedy Central online. So you finally get some crack. Yeah, but I graduate high school early because i took all the class all the ap classes so then i got i was uh i was a 17 year old kid in full-time college but i was i was still in high school technically you mean you were the age of high school you were in like they didn't let me graduate they didn't give me a piece of paper but then instead of taking classes at high school i was at the college um okay okay so i'm a college student i'm not in high school yeah you were in college before i was i mean you were you were like a child prodigy everyone would say that

except i was smoking crack so yeah so so that's when you start with, with crack. And was, did you leave Adderall behind? Like was crack, like when you, when you move on to, I guess I'd consider it a more intense drug. Not that I really know, but more intense than Adderall and weed that like,

are you like, do you keep doing Adderall and weed on top of it? What you will find out in later on, when you get into harder drugs is that the drugs you were doing that you thought were soft are stronger and actually more powerful

than these harder drugs sometimes. The amount of Adderall we were taking, we were doing 100 milligrams of Adderall. You would have to smoke $100 worth of crack. You should see me breaking apart my 5 milligrams of Ambien. My girlfriend can attest to this,

that if I had a beer that night, I'm like, I'm worried. Let me just break off a little piece, and I'll take the smaller of the pieces. 100 milligrams. Okay, so you're doing crack. So when you start doing crack, do you think like,

I'm just going to try it and like see if I like it or were you immediately like, oh, I love it. Like what, how much of a time, like and how regularly are you doing it? Not regularly. To be honest, crack is not my story really.

It's just when I started smoking crack, it was like everyone's like, yeah, you're done. You're done being a normal person in society. What was your thing? The hardest of them. I like crystal meth and I like benzodiazepines. So like you're ambient, but lots of it. So in college, when was the first meth? So like you're ambient, but lots of it. So, okay.

So in college, is that when, when was the first meth? Oh, way before that. Oh, yeah. We skipped past the meth? Well, the thing is, it's like you do it like a cage, you know what I mean? But it wasn't like a thing. It's not one you brag about. Yeah, it was just a little bit of crank on a little bit of bull, you know, like it wasn't

a thing. Like we weren't, there wasn't paraphernalia. You weren't hanging out with people with pit bulls. Meth is smoked. Or shot, if you're cool. I didn't know that. Do you burn it in a... Can you tell me how to take meth?

So, kids. All right, so there's a thing called an oil burner. Okay. You might have seen them. They basically are like a glass stick. They have the big circle in the front. Yeah. And they have a hole on the top but basically you crumble it into the bottom and then you light the bottom of the circle and you

spin it. Okay. Back and forth and then you inhale it through the hole. That's the smoked version. How do you inject it? Same way you inject anything. But is it you get it as a liquid? Oh no no no. You gotta do the

thing. You gotta do the cool thing. How hot is it though? I've seen Breaking Bad. I like that he's not smoking weed. He's like, well, what you do is you get a tourniquet. You bite off the tourniquet. You have a friend there to check if your pulse is still there. When you inject it, is it hot? Oh, no.

You're burning it with a match. You're melting it. It's called a hot rail for a reason. Yeah, it burns. You were very wrong. You're melting it. It's called a hot rail for a reason. Yeah, it burns. Yeah. You were very wrong. I'm very confident. Does it ever get too hot? And it's like, oh, God, did it ever hurt?

I'm going to be honest. I'm not like a needle guy, really. You're not a needle guy. OK, so you're more of a smoker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, those guys are crazy. They are insane. They are so crazy.

That's the thing. Eventually, I became the guy doing interventions. Like, buddy, you shouldn't shoot it. Just smoke it. Yeah, yeah. Now, because you were talking about you were worried about doing too much before, you had a fear of dying. Yeah, yeah. Was that always there?

Or did you get to a point of where you were like, I don't even give a fuck? Did you always go like, well, what did you see as your future oh all right so i had a real plan so um i was gonna start blowing glass uh-huh and and become like a guy who makes cool intricate pipes because i was i'm a decent visual artist uh-huh so i going to make like really fancy paraphernalia stuff and sell those pipes so I could make my life work involving my life passions. Yeah. Is that a little bit? Yeah, it's not.

It's not? It should be. I'm looking at the camera. Remember when you said that? You're using this as your personal recorder for a bit? Oh no! I like to look at a 6K camera and make sure to be like, remember? So that was your plan,

but your plan was like, I'm just going to do drugs forever? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you know any like older meth people to look up to?

I did. And where did you meet them? You know, you know. I can hear this audience. Some people are shocked. People in the back. Even though you said heroin later, every time we introduce a new drug i hear people go like crack benzos it also feels crazy because it's like i'm still alive yeah and you're all acting

like how dare he uh so so meth became the the number and at any point, is your mom's going, hey, are you okay? Are you really? They don't even know. They know. They know there's something wrong now. They know something's wrong. I've broken into their house a couple of times. Wait, you're not living with them?

Oh, they won't let me live with them anymore. I've stolen way too much stuff. So what age do you start stealing? When I get to college, so 17. And what kind of things are you stealing? Anything that's... A lot of stuff I was stealing was just stuff I owned, but my moms weren't letting

me have. I see. And were you trying to be sneaky about it, or were you just like, I'm just taking it? I was really sneaky till near the end. i was i would just go in there and i just steal a bunch of change like from a change thing or you know or i'd go and see if there was any like cash sitting around somewhere and take a couple bucks from there like i was trying to be you know stealthy but then i uh i was like fuck this i'm gonna grab the safe

and i tried to get the safe out of the house and uh it was and did you know the code i didn't know the code but i thought my friends are meth heads we we'll figure this out that would be a safe somewhere in here someone's got google we can figure this out. Did you? No, I got caught stealing the safe. By your moms? By my moms. All four of them. They surrounded you. They all went to one house.

It was like a witchcraft ritual. That could be a movie for moms. Oh, yeah, for sure. They're a detective force. They're also going through menopause. That's Hawker's Buggy, essentially. And I feel like one hasn't gone through menopause yet. And her moment is she goes through it.

And then her hot flash somehow powers her to do something. I like this. The sweat, something. Good, remember this. So you get caught. They kick you out. Uh-huh. Oh, I think there's an important thing to add, is that my moms aren't wealthy.

So they're like, what do you think's in the safe? Then they open up the safe, and then they just proceed to show me all the baby pictures they're keeping. They're like, you want this? You want to sell this? It's like passports. It's like important documents. Okay. All right. Just to build

this movie a little more. So you're going, you do get the safe out. You're with the dealer and he's like, give me the money. Give me the money. And you open up the safe and you're like, here you go. My baby pictures. And that's what makes you quit, and that's the end of the movie. That's beautiful.

That's definitely a twist you could. I love the idea. It's like me in a onesie. It's a froggy onesie. So you don't steal the safe. At this point, are you like i'm i have a i'm in trouble oh yeah yeah you feel it oh my mom says hey uh i'm gonna get a restraining order against you uh the thing is and she was like i'm gonna get it for so many miles and uh that was basically

the i'm from a small town in wyoming and it was like two miles so that basically would have made sure that i couldn't have been in the city oh my god oh i were you were you i stumb to say were you hurt but like were you were did you feel really upset at that or were you just like all right i dumb to say, were you hurt, but like, were you, were you, did you feel really upset at that? Or were you just like, all right, I have to figure out something else to get. Like,

the thing is you're going, you're going really fast. So a lot of times you're not checking in on your emotional states. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. You're not doing like a mature thing. You go,

Hey, what would a rational, healthy person do right now? Sure. I wonder what my sponsor would think. I should give him a call. Sure. No, it was like

my thing was i i was like i can't believe my mom still understand that when i'm on amphetamines i should just be prescribed these but large quantities and they just they just don't get it they don't understand sure and they're all like we understand you are 120 pounds uh so you like reach your baby weight you look like the baby pictures in the safe felt We understand you are 120 pounds. So you like reached your baby weight. You look like the baby pictures in the safe. It's felt. So, okay, so you're still at college, kicked out of the home.

Where do you go to rehab? I go to rehab in Florida. That's because I get, because of the restraining order, I go and live with go to rehab in Florida. That's because I get because of the restraining order. I go and live with my other mom in Florida. It's beauty of divorced parents. It's got some upsides to Christmases. And if you get a restraining order against you from one of the parents, you have another one. Couple benefits.

But the rule was I couldn't do drugs there. Obviously, you know, sure. I'm not going to not not do. Yeah. Well, it went in Florida, right? Yes. Okay, so then what makes you check into rehab? Do they do it?

Does your mom? So I was working 80 hours a week at Steak and Shake, flipping hamburgers. Steak and Shake? The fast food job. Wait, what was that? That was bigger than all the drugs we've covered so far. Steak and shake. Fast food job. Wait, what was that? That was bigger than all the drugs we've covered so far. Steak and shake.

80 hours a week or she's just like, oh, steak and shake. Which was it? Was it the hours? I guess that is a lot of hours. Graveyard shift. Oh, it was more than that. It was the daytime and the grave time. I would basically work if someone called out, I would work their shift

too. And you were working because you just wanted that money to out, I would work their shift too. And you were working because you just wanted that money to buy. I wasn't sleeping. Sure. Sure, you might have told them. Did you dig the job? Were you like, oh, I was really good at it. That's the thing.

Every job I've ever been fired, like when I was out using, every time I got fired, they were just like, please come back. You were such a good employee. So, okay, so you're working there 80 hours a week. Mm-hmm. And then. All right, so there was this guy named, I don't even remember his name. We called him Small Fry because he worked the small fry machine. And I gave him.

Right, I see your creativity already blossoming. Right then, I was like, I should be a comedian with this kind of. All right, so I gave him all of my money. Like in a delusional step. Because I thought he was going to give me a full bottle of Xanax. And like an ounce of weed. And I was like, here you go, all my money. And then he just found another fast food job.

He just didn't come back. So how much money are we talking about here? Like $600-ish, $700. Thank you. Isn't that a lot to you, John Marco? You're making a face. No, it's a lot to me. No, I think it's, you know, I gave you $50 for this.

I think it's... But there better be salmon! Okay, so you lose that money i i lose that money and now i i realized that i have been taking a lot of benzos and uh i can't sleep period uh-huh and uh i i was already prescribed benzos by a doctor and i thought if i had if i said I wanted to commit if I was like I'm suicidal they would just refill my prescription. Okay so that's what you tried. And turns out they just put you away. Really? Oh yeah. How old were you at this point? I'm 18. So 18 you're like I got the plant you go in there and the doctor says how you doing? I go I'm suicidal. Just right.

I just can't stop thinking about it, but that's mostly because I lost my pills. Oh. And then they ask me how many I'm on, and I go, I'm taking 15 milligrams of Valium a day. Yep, and that's not a real amount. How many? I don't know.

What are you supposed to take a value? So what you're breaking up right now, that Ambien, that's like 0.5. Okay. You're breaking that up. I'm taking 15. Got it. All right. Got it. The thing is, I wasn't taking that much.

I just made up a huge number because I didn't think they were going to give me the amount I said I was on. You're negotiating. Yes. Start high. Oh, so then you're 18. So what is the state allowed to do? Like what did the doctor, did he call the police or? So once you're in the psych ward, there's nothing criminal about what I was doing.

Were you in the psych ward or they said, why don't come over here yeah yeah they were like hey why don't you take a nap here what so i love this that we brought someone who's like can you be our next you're the same person that went to the alternative school right you seem like an ex-girlfriend of mine. So what's the term? It's called a Baker Act. And basically what that means is if you say you're suicidal or you're thinking about killing yourself, the state illegally has to keep you.

They have to keep you for 72 hours. Wow. Thank you. They have to keep you for 72 hours. Wow. Thank you. Yes. But, you know, no one ever does that. So if I'm ever like, you know, if I like ever have to move and I can't find a place for three days,

would an option be at CityMD just run in there? No, what's the food situation like there? All the ice cream you can eat. Yeah, the they they don't be happy. They will take your spoon, though. Afterwards, yeah, this person in the back is saying all the details that it's true you do not have shoes

you do get a very special kind of sock because they the shoelaces are enough yeah yeah yeah were you suicidal or were you oh i was just one of the pills suicidal at all and okay so you do that and then from there do you go to what's that? I black out for about a week and a half because the number of what I said was on that prescription was not real, and so I completely disappeared for... Did they say, like, here's what you did? Were you asleep the whole time, or were you... No, I was blacked out fighting nurses, supposedly.

I don't know for a fact. I just... That's what they said uh-huh and then because of that did they get to put you into rehab and then um i'm in the psych ward i'm getting now detoxed off of the benzos slowly uh and my my my mom's come in and they say you're not allowed at home anymore. And I go, what? What the fuck?

Yeah, exactly. That's what I was thinking. I was like, oh, it was my birthday. It was also that day. No way. Yeah, that's when I turned 19. So I was in the birthday. They came in.

All four. All four of my moms came and they came in for my birthday and they showed me all the gifts I would have if I wasn't stuck in the psych ward. They're like, well, this is the new Tool album. You're going to love it once you get out. I think that's funny, because they were trying to use it as a carrot. They're like, you'll get these.

Or is it, I imagine one parent thinking thinking that would work but all four being like this is the best tactic i don't think they were bribing me they just were like they didn't know what to do like what like what do you just go into the psych ward and just be like happy birthday see you later enjoy the ice cream there's an option in between those two things here's the cd no they start eating it they get maker acted so so then then you start a rehab program from there basically i could i could be homeless once i got detoxed i would be homeless on the street that's what they told me on my birthday and uh or i could go to rehab and so you and they would pay for it essentially they would pay for it and and did you ever have a thought of i'll be homeless and do drugs or were you like no to take the rehab

um i had been homeless temporarily and i i didn't like that very much so and then how long was that rehab um So the first rehab was one month. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And then they were like, mm-mm, you are not, you are insane. And then they sent me to a dual diagnosis place in Boca Raton, Florida. And I was there for seven and a half months. Wow. And your moms are paying for all this in the insurance but yeah

how is it very expensive or yeah fuck and you know what did they what was the main thrust of how did they what did they do was it a lot of talk therapy was it i mean you detoxed for... Okay, so this is... This doesn't exist anymore, but this was like OG abusive stuff. So basically, people would wear signs that say, I'm a liar. Make sure to tell me when you think I'm lying. And that would be like a sign you'd wear. And you'd wear that... Did you have that sign?

I never got that sign. But people would have like toilet cleaning stuff wear and you'd wear that you did you have that sign i never got that i never got that sign but people would have like toilet like like toilet cleaning stuff just so they can remember that they should be cleaning and uh-huh the the one that i remember happening specifically to me like a lot of that stuff started getting edged out right when i started going there because people were like oh this is some of this is bad but like an example is what I... Sounds all bad so far. I've yet to hear the good part of it. Oh, you also don't understand that it was also right next to a Steinway piano play.

So you could hear people just playing Steinway piano. You're trying to come from drugs. Next thing you hear, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Bop, bop, bop. Bop, bop, bop. So, was any of it good? Did that work in your mind?

Did that... Oh, it 100% worked for me. The trauma of how abusive this place was, I feel like it's... They gave me

the prison experience on my parents' dollar. So looking back on the fact that it was effective for you, are you glad that you had that horrible experience? Or do you think there was a nice way that could have helped you? It's so hard to tell.

The worst thing they did was that we did improv. that could have helped you? It's so hard to tell. They also, the worst thing they did was that we did improv. Did people have signs that said, I don't always, yes I am. If you ever catch me

not helping to build the scene, feel free to call me out. Brutal. Is that where you discovered you were a comedian? Really? Yeah. Oh my god. I didn't know I was a comedian. I really figured I was a comedian

was in 12 step meetings when I'd share and then I'd get laughs in the room. Sure. And I was like, ooh, and then I'd remember it and then I'd say it at the next one. That's funny. Dude, I had a tight, tight vibe. Yeah. That's good because the club that we work, I imagine most of the audience members are

in anonymous groups as well. Oh, they're about to be. This is their bottom. So I feel like we have to do like another episode of the 12-step program, but you felt like the rehab, it was horrible. It was abusive. Did you like the improv? I know we joked about it, but did you enjoy that?

I enjoyed when I was on stage. Sure. Okay. That's how you know. That's generally how improv goes. You don't understand washing a guy in sweatpants shuffled trying to be a character.

You're like, ah, you're already a character. Were there a lot of... Did they say no drugs in the scenes? All the scenes were usually drug based. I imagine. At the end of the day, you were setting a scene and the end of the scene would be you saying no to the drugs handed to you

that's the one that's yes and except for the drug part that's when you can say no it was like Curb Your Enthusiasm improv like the end was you always say no to the drugs wow well

and when you finish that program though You enter the 12 steps And you never did drugs again Nope That's Yeah Yeah Okay well let me ask this

Let me ask this Because I do think it's interesting How does it feel Does that Did you say clap? Oh cap That's a good thing, right? Liar. Liar?

Never again, never. Sir. Are you challenging? Sir. What are you doing right now? I've heard you talk for an hour. There's no way. There's no way you haven't revisited.

That's so funny. He's like, no, I'm your drug dealer. You remember me? My name's Cap. Do you, do you, do you,

when people applaud or people are like, congrats, or do you post every year, like seven years, eight years, nine years? That's basically it, though. I don't do more than that, usually. Uh-huh. Who does it mean the most to you that they're, like, do your moms say to you, like, at the anniversary,

like, we're really proud of you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, my moms are happy. You know, my friends that are alive are happy. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Ha-ha.

You thought they all made it through the experience we just listened to? You think every friend is, like, they're doing podcasts right now, and they're doing great. Yeah. They're doing podcasts right now and they're doing great. Yeah. And it's, like, do you feel like every year, that year, do you, like, make a day of it? Is it like a celebration day? Yeah.

Like, mostly what I get the celebration is just people being nice to me on the internet for a second for it. Sure. Like, normally the internet's such a bitter place, you place you know that people are this is like one of the only place times like when I post something where someone's just not like sucks this guy could be funnier.

Yeah. Do you when people post on the internet because I feel like we might have talked about this on the podcast before or it was too mean of like

when people go like 10 days without a beer are you like fuck off? Or are you like you know what? You get to mark whatever celebration point you want. I usually will message them and be like, you have a real problem or not?

He's joking, you guys. Oh my God. God damn it, people. All right, well, I feel like we, I do want to have like a second. Thank you for sharing. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

But let's move on to some. This has got to stop. I imagine most of you have listened to the podcast. This would be crazy if you went to a live podcast taping. Yeah. Based on the numbers of listeners, this is everyone who's ever listened to our podcast taping. Based on the numbers of listeners, this is everyone who's ever listened to our podcast.

Also, by the way, she shook her head when she was like, no, she hasn't heard it. Listen to it. What brought you here? What brought you here? TikTok. So you've seen the clips.

YouTube shorts. Wow. That's bold. You saw 30 seconds of something and you're like an hour and a half You've seen the clips. YouTube shorts. Hell yeah. That's bold. You saw 30 seconds of something and you're like an hour and a half next. We have longer clips on YouTube. You could have warmed up. Thank you. I appreciate it. For those of you who haven't listened, we do a thing called

This Has Got to Stop. We figure out things that need to... Kind of a whistle, not a great whistle. It was an attempt at a whistle. It could be better. I think they have better whistles. Okay, there we go. A lot of people can whistle.

I got one. I got one. This Has Got to Stop. Whistling. Cap. Does anyone in the audience have a has got to stop raise your hand anyone something that's got to stop there must be one of you fuck i really overestimated not a single come on all right what i'll give an example okay okay uh

so uh we wrote them down okay okay so we we had one we had a friend uh uh jackie yes first time listener uh number one i mean number one first listener we ever had she said she's really sick of where people with kids whether it be uh your parents or other friends will will talk about like oh you know you don't you don't know true my life didn't start till i had kids. Until I had kids. Yes. And yeah, that's got to stop. Yes. I think we need to shame people with kids more because- Yeah. Yeah.

They get away with murder. They can cancel anytime. They don't have to do anything. Yes. They can leave early. They can cancel. Yes. They can be like, oh, I'm not present because I'm tired.

I just think like, so what I thought of when she told me this was like, you know when, if I was holding like a can, an aluminum can, and there was a trash can and a recycling bin, and I just threw it in the trash can, you'd be like, that's kind of jackass. It's right there.

Yeah. To have a kid in this world with our resources, it's like if we were buying those trash cans and I threw out a billion aluminum cans into the trash can. Just a billion. That's how much waste you're bringing on into the world. Yeah.

So I just feel like when people say they have kids, we have to do a better job of being like, ugh. Yeah. Shaming them. Shaming them a bit more. Yeah. Shaming them. Yeah.

Fuck parents. Fuck parents. Yeah. Wait. I love my parents. Russell. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. I'm kidding. I'm i'm kidding i'm kidding to all of our listeners this has got to stop uh other this has got to stop so you know it could be uh

uh i'm going to i'm going to oh i have one uh this has got to stop uh john marco so john marco i guess no one no one no yeah this has got, John Marco. No, if you don't listen, sometimes John Marco and I have had differences of opinion on our communication styles. I sometimes don't respond quickly enough to John Marco's texts. So I've developed a bit of a condition where if John Marco likes something on my social media, I've now done that. It's him like passive aggressively telling me to respond to a text so yesterday he liked an old photo on social media and i spent 10 minutes wondering if i hadn't responded to an

email from john marco if i hadn't responded to a text i was like what does he want from me what does he want from me why would he possibly be liking this photo? And so that's just this is got something. I'm the psychological mind games. You play with communication that I'm so in my head about it. What was that? No, it was no. It was

the number that was so weird. Get her a mic. Someone get that woman a mic. This lady's incredible. She's going to be the guest. Can you think of this guy to stop off your head? The cops. We got to stop these people.

Sure. I don't know. This is a pretty sketchy street. I can see some of you guys, the second you leave here, being like, police! Please help me, please!

So anyone that got a missus got to stop by. I know one of you's got someone. Cat calling. Cat calling. Cat calling. We don't have to agree, by the way.

Thank God. Dude, how am I going to meet all these chicks? What's, the person who said that? What's something they've said to you of late? Hey, McDonald's. Yeah, no bigs.

No bigs in the catcalling. No size. Yeah, I'll be next to my friend who's literally an auto in Brooklyn, and I'll be right back. Well, that sounds nice. She said that in the first part like it was a good deed. Like, I have a friend and I'm nice to her even though she's a model in Brooklyn.

And then they catcall me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh, there we go.

Hell yeah. That was catcalling. That was catcalling. That was catcalling. That was catcalling. Cat, catcalling. That was catcalling. Don't ever talk about women's appearance.

Just think it. Wow. If I'm not mistaken, that was the same guy who questioned your sobriety earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, you're beautiful not mistaken, that was the same guy who questioned your sobriety earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, you're beautiful. Oh, shit. Anyone, one more. This has got to stop.

I feel it. You got one? The people who are always trying to stop you in the middle of the road and try to hand you crap. The people, yes, I love this. The people who stop you, the people who stop you in the middle of the road and try to hand you crap,

particularly for me in Times Square, it's rap albums. And they literally try to hand it to you. And I remember when I was younger, when I was new to New York, I thought they were giving it to me for free and I'll take anything for free. See, no one hands me anything. No one hands me anything.

I never get handed things. This has got to start. This has got to start. Hand me things. Is it rap albums? Is that what you've gotten or what have you gotten? Photos with a mascot.

Politicians. Sure, I would hate that. Now, I got to tell you, the only way that our comedy club functions is that people on the street give out free passes to the comedy club

yeah so most of it's got to stop just not that yeah I'm never going to get to perform for so many unhappy people alright well we like to end the show with one blessing to make us all feel a little nice

after that harrowing story. So, you mean heroin story? Oh, a blessing. Oh, I don't have a good one today. Um,

a good one. We have a very good one today. We have some exciting downside news coming out this week, but we can't say it now, but we have some exciting news, so keep listening. Yeah, I'm trying. Whoa!

I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think. Okay, there's someone in the audience who could answer this question. Just say yes or no. Do you think it's okay if I said it here? Yes. No, you were not the person.

There's literally like a real person. There's literally three people in this audience who could answer that. Yeah, the person who just laughed was one of them. Is that something I could announce here? Better safe than sorry. Big news is coming along the way. But one of my agents just said better safe than sorry.

Thank you. Thank you very much. So some exciting news, though. So if you do like the downside or if you just found out about us, there's even more coming. Yeah, hell yeah. Woo, it's a guy. Yes.

My exciting news, I was in L.A., and I was staying at my mom's, and I got high, no offense, and what? I did a show i did a show uh where they like paid everyone in like weed products essentially like so much weed and i had a weed seltzer and i came home and i was high and i feel like me being high and my mom being normal was like the right, like where we need to be to have really good conversation. Oh, good. And we talked, I mean, we talked about like my, my father heard the guy she's dating and,

and, and just like, we talked just very much as like, we've gotten close in the last couple of years. And I feel like we like gossiped about my sisters and it's like really exciting to gossip about family because you have the excitement of gossip and you kind of like you're finding out things and uh it was just it was just very lovely and i i i love my mom uh very much despite she listens to the podcast too which is wild she calls me and corrects all the stories that i say but uh i love my mom she's been we've just grown closer and I'm very

very thankful for mom do you have a blessing you want to share anything specific that you're happy about I just proposed to my lady

so that's yeah what the fuck Oh. That's, so that's, yeah, what the fuck? No, no, that was just the, you know, that was the,

he's like, I had to go record this podcast. I didn't hear what she said. You better stay tuned for that exciting news from the downside. She did, she said yes. So I have to, I have to now do the thing. I wish we brought the music.

So I'm going to say this. I'm going to bring it down to a bummer thing, and then you do the music out. Okay. You're a good singer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, this is exciting.

One more time for Sasha, for yourselves, for coming out here. Woo! And, you know, it's exciting to do something, this podcast live, but we all should remember that at some point, everyone here will be dead.

This is the downside. Downside. Let's end this out right. Thank you for coming to the downside. Keep listening. Good night.