The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #102 Wetting the Bed with Geoffrey Asmus

Episode Date: September 20, 2022

Comedian Geoffrey Asmus and I compare our JFL experiences and then dive into the secrets of getting through sleepovers as a bedwetter, not masturb@ting until you’re 25, the merits of kegel exercising, the importance of smelling your therapist, and if our lovemaking skills are worthy of music. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Listen to our live weekly show on AMP, every Tuesday at 4 PM ET. Follow Geoffrey Asmus on Instagram, TikTok, & YouTube See Geoffrey in a city near you Follow Douglas Goodhart on Instagram & check out his website Get tickets to see Uncle Function in LA on September 20 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's monthly show in NYC (first Sunday of every month) Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The world we live in is a disgusting nightmare. It is. I heard you and Renan talking about it. It's just like everything's detached from reality. Yeah, Renan's like reality doesn't matter. It's kind of true. There's a feeling where like Renan was saying, like once you get the crowd work clip,

like in the show, you almost want to be like, all right, that's all for tonight. I don't need to run the closer I've done 50 times. Fuck you here. What's the point? Oh, a hundred people watch me here. A million are going to watch me on fucking Instagram. Yeah,

it is almost. It's also one day, someday an audience member is going to sue and be like, I didn't say you could use my fucking story for your crowd work. I'm surprised that hasn't happened. Yeah, that is surprising. I've had,

I've had one time I asked an audience member's permission. Cause it was like, it was my show at Sesh and they talked about a medical condition they have. And of course I'm like, yes, this will go great. It'll be weird. Everyone in a wheelchair is going to love this baby. Welcome to The Downside. My name is Jermarcus Arezi.

I'm here with guest co-host, second time in a row, Douglas Goodheart. Second banana. Now, the last time you were the guest or guest co-host, our guest immediately, immediately upon airing the episode called me and said, you have to take it down right now. Lawyers. Yeah. And she's going to listen to this one, too. And she was so cocky, too. Like, I can say whatever.

She's my friend. She listens to every episode. Yeah, I know. And she was so cocky too like i can say whatever she's my friend she's she's she's she listens to every episode i know and she was great but she was also like don't worry i'll say whatever it'll be fine she say that what she thought it to be taken down i guess we can't say and i can take this one down and re-edit this fucking thing and and i do sometimes think people people like have a change they want to make and they think maybe i have like a full team right i write them hey can you do this and i'm like no it's my day it's my whole day you have to watch the entire episode it's like you know the time code off the top of your head yeah there's no like what who's the all the always like a person that they're like jerry pull that up yeah pull that up yeah yeah yeah and it'll be like can you take out the parts where we talk about me

and I'm like oh that's that's the whole thing and we reference so listen she she she updated it

it was a great episode she made the fixes it was a great episode yeah oh you got it out okay but I was just so bummed because it was Douglas' first

first episode and I called him I said hey we're taking it down immediately actually he called me like he was just like I don're taking it down immediately. Actually, he called me. He was just like, I don't know what I'm going to do. Whenever he calls me, it's an anxiety nightmare you're having.

Yeah. You've never called me, and you're like, hey, man, things are great. Things are great. Well, coffee at 5 p.m. I can't do that. Coffee at 5 p.m. I'm pushing it. This is bad.

That's late. That's late. I have an afternoon. It's over. I have one cup. Yeah. Sometimes if I poop, then it's done its job. late. I have an afternoon. It's over. I have one cup. Sometimes if I poop, then it's done its job. I don't finish the coffee. That's the only reason I drink coffee.

Poop before you're done with the coffee? That's the only reason I drink it. One thing about New York that I'll start complaining right away. They have these coffee shops here with no bathroom. You cannot serve me liquid diarrhea and not have a fucking bathroom. That's insane. I immediately after shit, what do I do? You want to, because you know they have a bathroom.

They have a bathroom on the premises. There is a part of me that I wish I was the guy where I said, I will shit here. I will shit here. We have two options. You let me use the toilet or I will shit here. You have to wipe it up. A grown adult saying, I am having an emergency. and we have two options. You let me use the toilet or I will shit here. And you have to wipe it up. You have to mop.

I have a grown adult saying, I am having an emergency. I'll say that. I'll do it. I bartended for a long time and this guy came in with the fear of God in his eyes. And like,

you can't say no to that human being. He was like, can I use my toilet? I was like, yes, go in there. I've been there. But then we found his underwear in the toilet.

Oh. It had already happened and he was discarding., go in there. I've been there. But then we found his underwear in the toilet. Oh. It had already happened, and he was discarding. Oh, boy. It was brutal. Well, we're here with guest. I didn't even introduce myself. Comedian Jeffrey Asmus. Welcome to The Downside.

Hello. Thank you for having me. Can you say something negative to kick off our music? Kick off? Something negative. Well, they found out that all the rainwater in the world has microplastics in it. This is the downside. Sorry.

I know that song. That was my sex playlist that I accidentally... Isn't that the thing on TikTok? Yes. My girlfriend was showing me that. There's a Reddit post. It really shows... I mean, it's joke structure to a way. It's an incredible setup and the punchline. There was a Reddit post where a guy was saying that he had a song that he loved playing to make love to.

Yes. And his girlfriend was not really into it. And after two years of playing this, like every time, I guess it was a playlist he put on every time. And then it goes on that basically they stopped using the music. But then one time with no music, he started, his girlfriend recognized that he was pumping to the rhythm. Yeah, he was doing it to the rhythm. And so in my mind, like, first I thought, I thought in my head, like, oh, it's fast. It's like intense.

It's like going to be a Metallica thing. But you play the song and it is this. This is the song. And the thought of pumping to that without the music and like for her to recognize it and her to be like, you're doing this song. And he's going... He's going...

I don't see... That song just isn't sexy at all. It sounds like birds cawing. It's like a bird call. It's not like... There's nothing sexual about that. Music for sex is tough. I never listen to music. You don't do any music? Never. I like music too much. I can't ruin it

with what I'm doing. I feel like Elton John put all that work into it. I'm not going to... Sorry. Tiny Dancer's too good. Music's good. I'll play a podcast that's worth really?

that's worth ruining stop it that's not art what podcast would you put on for sex? Rogan three hours my girlfriend knows

that's true I said to poor Tova I said to her I was like you know Louis C.K. said this really interesting thing

on the Joe Rogan podcast and she was like just kill me like that is the worst sentence I've ever heard in my life Louis C.K. told this interesting thing on the Joe Rogan podcast. And she was like, just kill me. Like that is the worst sentence I've ever heard in my life. Louis C. Gay told this great thing on the Joe Rogan. It's a great episode. It's an incel wet dream right there.

That is beautiful. Did you say it? What was it about? Oh, it was a standup comedy advice on top of all that. Truly. She could not be less interesting. And this was during sex.

This was during sex. Yeah. You're like, by the way, this, I got to relay this anecdote to you. There is definitely this thing where we have an Alexa

and I think we're always put on love making music, sex music, and it always, every time, no matter what the input is, it goes, playing X-rated R&B jams. And that's how I know our devices are not listening to us. There's always little bits of proof

from if it could hear us, it knows this is not the playlist for us. No, that's not. It should play like Modest Yahoo for you or something. I don't know. Is there Jewish romantic music? It's not romantic in my standards.

I mean, there are a couple good songs. You can play a couple like Fiddler on the Roof. Oh, okay. Do you love me? And that's how Oh, okay. Do you love me? And that's Humpey. Do you love me?

Do I love... Tradition. What do you play during sex? We don't. Your own music. We don't. No, my own music. He's a musician.

Oh, that would be fun. Douglas is the creator of the real theme song. This is The Downside. One, two, three. And we have to listen to rips that's good I like that no we don't listen to music she really doesn't like it she doesn't like any semblance

of like like you're doing it to the rhythm you're doing it to the rhythm and the funny thing is I love I do love R&B and soul music. I love quote unquote baby making music. Right. I like it too. I just don't want to have sex to it. Oh, really?

It seems like disrespectful to what Marvin Gaye was going for. Although. It looks racist what I'm doing. It looks like I'm mad a black man's singing. I'm like. There is this thing With like me and Tom It's like two Jews Having sex

And we're only gonna put on Black musicians Like this This is what captures it It really It does Yeah So there's nothing

There's nothing Do you make noise I don't really make much noise It's pretty much silent Oh okay No you gotta make noise I'm a little bit You gotta fill the

You know it's like this You gotta fill the time. In fact, I'm really good at this because of the lovemaking. You just have to say something. It can't be silent. Good work. Nice job. Good riff.

Nice. No, no. Oh, man. Are you checking in with the person? This is what Russell runs into. You think you're not going to talk about things, and then you're like, I got to say it. Yeah, no. This is how my fiance comes.

No, no, no. You learn. Well, one of the first times we had sex, she was like, oh, you like to talk. And she made a comment. She said that during sex. You're like, oh, you're a talker. Yeah, exactly. Man, that would make me shut up right away. Nothing could make me quieter

than that. I like talking. I enjoy, like, we're talking about whatever. And then at some point, there's the tipping point. Oh, like it turns into sex. Yeah. Like talking, but there's like a little, there's a. Yeah, yeah.

You know it's going to happen, but you don't want to have it right away because it's a little gauche. So you just talk for five minutes. Just run a couple jokes. Yeah. Couple tweets, Byer. So, do you think this is funny? What do you think is the best time for posting on Instagram? Well, I'm happy to have you on here.

Happy to be here. I have too much admiration for you comedically. Whenever you talk about comedians being hacky, like on Facebook, there's always a part where I'm like, this is for me. You're writing it about me. Because I think I'm a loud, theatrical... So my fear is, oh, hacky. I'm like, oh, no, no.

Real writer comedians are like, oh, wow, he yelled the punchline again. I think they're jealous that they can't perform. I think people say that a lot because they're like, they like to stand there and they say good words, but they can't emote like you do. So that's a little jealousy. The worst thing a comedian said to me after set, he said, wow, that was really energetic. That's like the opposite of the other comment where you're like, he's a good joke writer. That's always a bad, I think that's always a backhanded compliment. But people will sometimes be like, I love,

sometimes I always remember, I love the faces you make up. And I'm like, why don't you kill me? Why don't you shoot me in the fucking face? I hate to hear that. Like you make faces, you mean like a baby makes faces that are funny and silly? Like how long did it take you to memorize this? That's a lot of words. Oh my God.

I did used to post a lot of comedian things on Facebook. Like roasting comics on Facebook. That was my thing for a while. A little bit, but not as much. I got in a couple of big fights. I'm like, I don't need to do this anymore. You got some blowback for it?

I got a now very famous comedian threatened to beat me up. Wait, is this the Southern Mama post? Yeah, yeah, from way back. I don't know if I can say the name. You deleted it. I hid it. It's still there, but I hid it. I went to find it today.

I actually don't know how to find it, but I know I didn't delete it. I just hid from the timeline. You can't say, the comedian, can you say the story? Okay, so there's this southern mama so southern mama do you remember southern mama he's this like guy who dresses like a woman maybe a black woman and does like i'm a southern mama and he does that on he's huge in the south okay and he did uh the varieties top comics to watch at montreal like the just for laughs comedy festival where uh jay j Jordan just did it.

Where it's like they get all the up and coming comedians. It's a pretty high level. Pretty high level. It's like New Faces pretty much. And there was someone on there this year who was more a social media star who didn't do the stand-up show. Because she was like, well, I'm not a stand-up comedian. But she didn't even do it. Yeah.

She did the Q&A and did that part of it and won the award, but was like, I'm not a stand-up comedian. I kind of respect that. I like that. I respect it tremendously. Stuck in Mama did not have this humility. And apparently, you weren't there that year. I was not there, no. When I was told, he came out and his opening line was, you know, let's give a cheers to our wives and our girlfriends.

You know where it's going? May they never meet. Ooh, amazing. And then went into... That's gotta be not his line. Oh, no way. That's a hack line. That's an old...

That's a vaudeville line. That's a vaudeville line. That's take my wife, please. Every hack line at one point someone said it, it was like, wow. Yeah. Some guy said it in the 1800s

and I was like, that's the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life. Right, right. That's true. I heard he said something about the 1800s, and I was like, that's the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life. Right, right. That's true. I already said something about the divert. He's like, finally, a straight white male up here or something, which they didn't like. Yeah.

And I guess he was a little racist backstage, which I didn't know before my post defending him. Oh, I see. Yeah. And the person who yelled at you was on this showcase as well. Yes, they were on the showcase. And was in the video. Chris Redd, basically like Chris Redd who was hosting the show,

confronted him backstage. Yeah. He was bombing and he started talking shit about... He's talking about like identity politics or stuff like diversity. And the South knows real comedy.

Yeah, yeah. The worst to bomb and then start like shitting on the other people on the line. Real bad stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I defended him online.

Oh, you did? Well, a little. It was a long thing. I think my point actually is valid. My point was that, like, oh, he should have never gone to Montreal. He's not meant for this thing. Sure. He already had, like, two million followers.

Like, just because he bombed at Montreal, there are people who like this shit. I don't think it's funny. But, like, to not understand that there is an audience for this type of humor it's like it's like this coastal elite like not understanding why middle america does things and i was like that's why trump won which i think is maybe a little bit of a stretch that was the connection that you that was the connection i made disdain that that was expressing for southern mama yeah we look down on this entire part of the country as like these dumb idiots. And like maybe they are, but like there's a reason they like this shit.

It relates to them more than like a one-armed Armenian gay guy's journey. Like that. They don't relate to that. What's that guy's name? I don't know. That was a made up joke. What's his first joke? He just tells his story.

There's no jokes. That's where you're wrong. He comes out. He says how he lost the arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he says at the end, well, could you give me a hand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

He's like, if I had two arms, there wouldn't have been a genocide. We would have stopped him. And then a very famous comedian came out. And he was right. I went a little too far in some parts he's like he said i was being homophobic for supporting this guy and he said if he ever saw me he'd beat me up wow and then that was when i kind of slowed down my rants online i was like this maybe isn't worth it yeah i still stand by most of what i said but 20 maybe went too far

so so i i just did just for Laughs, New Faces. Oh, yes. I had a wonderful experience. I mean, it was not like all, it was stressful. It was a lot of like. A lot of stress. Meeting and it's a big show, but I felt very good. Yeah.

I felt like there's nothing really I could have changed. Yeah, your shows went good this year, I heard. I heard the shows went off without a hitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No Southern Mama situation. No, none of that. And I was stressed, obviously, leading up to it. Sure.

And, you know, I tried to comfort myself. One way I comfort myself is I think about other people who did not have great experiences. And I go like, well, look, but they're, you know, they're good now and they're doing well now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was kind of a legendary story about uh i was wrapped it was just for laughs red there's wrapped new faces and then unwrapped new faces now you were i did unwrapped in 2016 or 17 i can't remember and i've had almost every member of your of your class, tell me the story of it. Because it really goes to show, you know, it doesn't always go great. Yeah, it shows how the industry doesn't really care about you.

Yeah, I mean, they really fucked us. They really fucked us. It's crazy what they did. And when you went, how many years into comedy were you? I was probably the least into comedy of anyone on it. I was three years when I got it, maybe three and a half when the show happened. It was very early.

Were you, were you a killer then? I was, I was, I had a very weak, I did a lot of prop comedy actually. I did a very bizarre, I had a video go viral on Reddit or like kind of viral.

And then it like, that got me JFL. I did a couple, I did a lot of viral on Reddit, or kind of viral, and then that got me JFL. I did a lot of gimmicks on stage. I would read from the Bible. I did this thing where I memorized all the world capitals, and they would shout out a country, and I could tell them the capital. I wasn't a good performer, but the jokes were funny, I would say. What was the joke with the capitals? It was that I didn't masturbate Until I was like 25

And I was like Instead of masturbating I learned all the capitals And then And then I can't remember Where I went from that It was just like

I'm full of come and knowledge Or something like that I think that might have been a line That's a joke I actually want to bring back I think I could do it better now Wait you said you didn't Masturbate until you were 25

That's actually true I did not masturbate Until I was around 24, 25. How is that possible? What did you do with your elections? You had a lot of wet dreams. I had a lot of wet dreams. You had a lot of wet dreams. How many wet dreams?

I've probably had because I was masturbating before I could reach that final point. Is there a point in our lives where you can masturbate and you don't cum? Like the body hasn't made it yet? Yeah. And I did it.? And I did it. Absolutely. I was a ground humper. And so I would just hump the ground

and it would just feel like incredible and incredible. And then eventually one day I kind of got a boner and I don't fully remember. Oh, you were doing it before the boner. With the ground humping, you can't get fully hard. So like some people say it's bad. It prevents you from getting hard

later in life, which I guess, I gotta say. Are we talking outside ground or indoor carpet? Floor or ground? You mean, what do you mean?

Like grass? Are you humping grass? Baby, I'm humping anything. I'm humping, I'm bringing hardcover books to the bed because the mattress isn't hard enough I'm putting the book underneath me

you want the service to be hard? let me tell you I left Harry Potter for more reasons than one I was the sorcerer's stone I was just pressing it is this like a sect of people? are people going to be like oh yeah I was a groundhunter see I hump pillows

I've humped pillows before to masturbate yeah i've done that this was like but i could not until you were 26 not until i was 26 yeah that's yeah that's a whole other thing so and i the first time it happened i it was like i was at my in my mom's office yeah and it was like she was just taking me to work and i just remember i was like making myself come from the floor and then like just like kind of felt good and I'm sure, I am sure of it that I was just like, and my mom having no idea what to do.

There's a co-worker walking in like, your son's a little horny. He is in heat. It was incredible and so for a long time, this is whatever, but I didn't jerk off

regularly for years. I would put on porn on the desk in my computer in my bedroom. I'd get on the floor. I'd have to off regularly for years. I would put on porn on the desk in my computer in my bedroom. I'd get on the floor. I'd have to back far enough away. So you could see the porn? And I'd bring the speaker because my dad's in the next room.

So I'd bring the speaker on the lowest volume setting, place it next to me, and I'd be angling up looking at the porn humping the floor. So I've had maybe three wet dreams in my whole life is what I'm saying. You've kept it out. I've never been so backed up with cum. It's been like three, truly three wet dreams in my life. You've kept the levies low. Yeah. You've kept.

My levies were breaking like the eighth ward all the time. Oh, ninth ward. Oh, my God. The ninth ward. Damn it. So you, you said you were masturbating before you could cum? Absolutely. So is it just like a poof, like a gun that is loaded in a Looney Tunes?

It was like a clear. Oh, really? It's literally pre-cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The body just hasn't. They're like, we didn't think you'd be ready yet. You're 19. They're like, we didn't think you'd be fucking yet.

Was it like a dribble? Yeah, it was a dribble. Really? Oh, I never. I waited until I was ready, or was it like a dribble? Yeah, it was a, it was a dribble. Oh, I never, I was, I waited till I was,

I was ready. Nope. It was ready to come out. How? Why? I just, I never, I wasn't raised in,

we were very, I was very sheltered. We were never told about sex. My parents, I truly did not know what sex was till I was 80 or 90. Oh my God. I knew what it was, but I didn't know how you did it. I didn't know cum was part of it.

I didn't, I didn't watch porn. I've never watched. You didn't have the internet? I didn't really get it. I've never watched porn. I'm not a porn guy. Sure.

I've watched it a couple times, but not a lot. I got it. That, that, that. You didn't, you grew up in the world.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I got horny. I loved, I was all into girls and I didn't, I didn't have sex till I was 25 either. So that's also a thing. Yeah. yeah. I mean, I got horny. I loved, I was all into girls and I didn't have sex until I was 25

either. So that's also a thing. I was very shy. Who opened your eyes to masturbation? Who was like, come here. I think I just heard from so many people that it made you feel better. I was like, maybe I'm so sad for a reason. And it is a happy thing. But when you had boners,

what did you think? I would just like think I hope this goes away soon. I'd think of women. I'd think of us having sex. I'd get hard, and then I'd just stop. Oh, my God. Which is bizarre. I can't even explain it, honestly. I have no real explanation for it.

If you could go back in time... I would have masturbated when I was 18. Definitely. Definitely. That should be a short film. You, time traveling. Just to masturbate what happens

and you don't share anything about world tragedies Russia Ukraine I go back to 9-11 when I was in 6th grade and I just masturbate I say nothing

you get transported it's the morning of 9-11 and you run up to yourself and you're like jerk off jerk off take your hand like this I promise

bye and then it doesn't happen 9-11 doesn't happen. I stop it. That's a great sketch of you just going back to points in your life where something terrible happens.

You stop 9-11, you have, I have one more thing to do. I could have stopped the steal, but I didn't. I chose not to. Wait, so JFL. No, wait, hold on.

Oh, you want to stay on it. I'm just, we're going, we got to go to, we got to go to the, so what happened? So you had sex 25 and masturbated 25. Big year for you, 25.

Yeah, they were around the same year. They were. I think I might have had sex first before I started masturbating. I think then I was like, oh, this feels good. Yeah. You got to run before you can walk. I had to come probably like 10 times. I had like 10 blowjobs.

Because you have jokes about coming too fast. Yeah, of course. I'm sure you figured things out now. A little bit, but I'm not telling. The beginning is... I mean, I almost had my girlfriend... I mean, she kind of... The relationship ended partly because I was coming too fast.

Really? I mean, the first time I tried to have sex, I came while going into doc. While I was going in, I didn't even get one thrust in. Just on the way, I just laid down some covers. You've never jerked off?

I've never been close to it before. I had no idea. Honestly, there's sometimes I'm 34 now, and sometimes I'm like, it takes long. I can't just be done. Oh I'm pretty. It's two

minutes or less. Two minutes or less. I'm more on that side. I don't have a problem with that. So when you heard this song you were shocked how long it was. Yeah. Why'd you play it so long? I could come during that gif I'm a porn gif

I could be the king of porn gifs Were you a weird kid though? Oh yeah I was weird I did some fucked up weird things I was very isolated I had friends But I like to be alone I'm an alone guy

I can tell because Before a set I'm also not a big Like talking right before a set But I've had like three times With Jeffrey Now he's moved back to New York Where we're talking

And I feel like We're having good conversations Like I gotta go I'm gonna go mumble to myself In the bathroom My set Oh I do that all the time And I'm like okay

And I understand it But you know when you see someone Who has like your flaws Even worse than you And you're like You're like I'm good I'm not so bad than you, and you're like, I'm good. I'm not so bad. I jerked off when I was 18.

I'm normal. I love to be alone. I love to be alone. When I was a kid, my favorite thing from age 10 to 14 was I would run around the neighborhood with a hockey stick and pretend I was a soldier in this made-up country's army, and I would just narrate these campaigns. I would go on.

I'd be living in like a neighborhood where you kind of had yards and they were like maybe a little woods and stuff. So I'd be in people's woods, like aiming my hockey stick at their window during dinner. And they're like, you got to tell Jeffrey not to do that. It's fucking creepy as hell. You're playing sniper.

I'm like sniping them. You're like, Oh, the enemy's in the kitchen. Wow. It was weird. The part I can believe is you not having sex until 25. The part I can't believe is you not masturbating

four times a day. Because usually virgins are masturbating the whole time. I think I deserve a medal. I didn't masturbate. I didn't shoot up a school. I think I'd get something for that. Some guys shoot up a school because they're virgins until 18. I lasted until 25, 26.

Nothing. Not even one shot. I think that could be a talking circuit you do. Yeah. Not just like, like you're a loser and you can be this.

You can be a loser and not shoot up a school. You just write a manifesto that you never publish. It's not a big deal. Show them the hockey stick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Show them the armor with the hockey stick. Get out your aggression like this. Pretend you're a soldier. Come on. Don't do it. This was what age you were doing this hockey stick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Show him the armor with the hockey stick. Get out your aggression like this. Pretend you're a soldier. Come on. Don't do it. This was what age you were doing this hockey stick thing?

That was probably 10 to 14, maybe. Probably, yeah. I was into, we had bamboo in the backyard, and my dad, he indulged me in this. We would make bamboo rods, and I would walk around my backyard and swing it at trees and pretend I was Dragon Ball Z. It's the going into other people's yards

where that went to them. I was always pretending I was a ninja. I was a ninja everywhere. Especially when it snowed. I was like the G.I. Joe, the snow G.I. Joe, sniping and creating tunnels. We all want to go to war.

Every guy, we all want to kill someone. It's bizarre. Mine was an anime. Were you like a World War II soldier? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like that. I made up my own country, but it was like World War II. Which side were you on?

I was the good guys. There was no Nazis. We need to clarify. They were good tacticians, though. I admire their strategies. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Here's an RBC student offer that turns a feel-good moment into a feel-great moment. Students, get $100 when you open a no-monthly fee RBC Advantage Banking account,

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You were telling jokes like that that are amazing? I was doing a lot of virgin. I was a virgin at the time, I believe. Or I maybe just recently lost it, but I think I still told the virgin jokes on stage. Wow. Yeah, I can't even. I would shudder to think of the act

I did most of it, except for the Bible bit and the country capitals. The rest was trash. I made a joke about the Jews and how like, a lot of Jews here

for the industry. I remember I made a joke like that. That was it. No, there was more than that, but like, that was basically the joke. It was not a good riff.

Had you established you'd come from German heritage before that joke? I think so, yes. The tag was, we should kill him. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't much better than that.

I wasn't a seasoned comic yet, is what I would say. A lot of Jews. I don't know what I want more, you to be my agent or dead. A lot of Jews. Just an observation. A lot of Jews in the crowd tonight. Period. The circumstances for this being a failure were there already without anything extra.

Yeah, so they fucked up everything. So new faces. I was in Unwrapped. A lot of great people are very successful now. Janelle James is in my group. She's on ABC sitcom. Ismael Lutfi doing pretty well. J.P. McDade doing well.

I was the least new into comedy. You were still in Chicago? I was in, I had recently moved to Chicago. Now, I started in Wisconsin. I hadn't been to Chicago that long. This is a big deal. So this is a big deal. I mean, I hadn't done comedy that often, honestly.

It was by far the most people I'd ever performed for. At least I'd never done a theater before. I was in this big theater. But we get fucked every part of the way. The starts at 11 11 30 at night so late why you would have a industry showcase then no one knows it's at the same time as the comedy central roast battle which then was huge like 2016 2017 roast battle was huge someone famous was on it i can't remember who but like someone some like famous actor oh blake gr Someone famous was on it. I can't remember who, but like someone, some like famous actor. Oh, Blake Griffin was on it. So everyone wanted to see

Blake Griffin do it. So the industry left halfway through the show. Half, at least half the industry left. They didn't even see my set. And who was hosting it? George Wallace.

And did he do it with Karen? George Wallace did terribly. He bombed the opening set at one point because there was no one sitting in the first like seven or eight rows of the theater. So you couldn't you could barely see a single audience member. It's like you're performing in an empty auditorium and he's trying to do crowd work when he can't see.

And at one point he's like, turn on the house lights so I could see everyone. And he turns on the house lights, his whole set. Now he's a he's a he's a legend. He's like, yeah, just like was he not happy that he had to do this? Yeah, he didn't want to do it. He did not care. He forgot. He's like, I want to go see Blake Griffin at the Rose Bowl show.

What the fuck? He doesn't want to introduce a bunch of schmucks he's never heard. He forgets J.P. McDade's name. He's like, next up is, he's like, who is it again? And he has to get to start his set like that. And I think I'm like eighth or ninth. He left his notes on the stool. I heard as well.

Yes. He left his notes. Yes. He left his notes on the stool. So you could do his jokes? Yeah. Yeah. And you don't understand,

this is like, this is the biggest, this is huge. The biggest moment. This was, this is the biggest goal of my year. I mean, it's like,

you want someone who cares and, and they, they've been hyping us up the whole time. Like, this is huge. This is all these people. Louis CK did this. So, you want someone who cares and yeah and they they've been hyping us up the whole time like this is huge this is all these people louis ck did this um so and every famous comedian ali wong did it they all got big from jfl could be you could be you guys and then we performed for an empty auditorium everyone's already heard by around first and five or six everyone's like oh the industry left they're not even here anymore. Someone cried, right?

Oh, yeah. Yes. I won't name names, but yes, someone did cry. When a comedian cries, I mean, things are rough. Things are real bad. And I go up and do my set. My set actually is not that bad. I probably have a middle of the row.

I probably have the fourth or fifth best set out of 12 people. Not great, but I did pretty well. The country capitals thing really killed. I was like, okay, decent job. And then this lady writes a review of my set. Or she wrote a review of everyone's set, actually. But my set she concentrated on in particular. She went down everyone's set, and she's like an economics blogger.

But for some reason, she wrote about the show. She moonlights as a comedy critic. To write about this show, I don't know. I feel like, I don't know what, I've never thought about what the ethics are of reviewing. What things should you review?

What things do you just let be? This one, maybe you let be. Yeah. She didn't also explain any of the extenuating circumstances. She probably didn't know them, but she didn't say it was empty and there was no one there. And it was 1135 at night or whatever.

I always thought that the point of a reviewer was to save the consumers from wasting their money. You know, like the Broadway shows are $150. So you read the reviews because you don't want to waste $150. Well, now they'll boycott seeing me host at the Liberty Funny Bone in Columbus. They're like, don't waste your time. Why are you doing this to this kid? I remember Spider-Man on Broadway was

super delayed and the New York Times made a big deal. They were breaking precedent to review the previews because they have the preview period. But Spider-Man kept delaying their previews over and over. So the New York Times said, you know what? People are spending so much money on this still.

We gave them the appropriate amount of time. They extended, they extended. We have to review it now because you're making money. And so they reviewed what was not a fully finished product. Yeah. But unwrapped new faces, even wrapped, they didn't see wrapped and unwrapped. Yeah. They're not even, you know even being submitted for jobs yet.

We have nothing. We're maybe features on a B club. Maybe. I wasn't. This was the review. I can't wait. I haven't heard this in a while. Will this hurt a little bit?

No, I'm over it. It did hurt. Not anymore. I think it's hilarious now. How much did it hurt at the time? For about a year, I was pretty embarrassed by it. because you read the review and you think that i bombed but i actually did decent i didn't kill but i had a decent set so the review makes you think i've got complete silence the entire time which is not the case i had there were like one or two kind of rough moments but it was a pretty decent set i wish we had dramatic music we could play under it. Oh, we do.

Jeffrey Asmus was the most memorable part of... Jeffrey Asmus was the most memorable of the comedians. Not because he was good, but because he was, all caps, BAD.

Asmus' stage persona is one of a sanctimonious, entitled, chronically ill white male with delusions of grandeur. He began his routine by physically attacking a member of the audience who was cheering him before describing a medical

condition with such specificity there was no doubt he actually had it. He talked of being a virgin who's never masturbated in a way that was more painful than funny. He claimed that not engaging in sexual activity allowed him

to hone his intellect and brag that he knew everything. Asmus claimed that he even knew about Canadian prime ministers and asked the audience to name one. I turned to my partner and bet him that I could stump the guy after which I called out Deffenbaker. Is that how you pronounce it? Dieffenbaker.

Dieffenbaker. The prime minister in the 60s who had a rivalry with JFK. Asmus said Dieffenbaker was a white male. Hardly remarkable given that nearly all Canada's prime ministers were white males. In other words, I won. Oh, there's a few details I forgot until now. I did used to do an opener where I would go on stage. Yeah, that's a big detail.

I would go on stage and I would rub someone's head and be like, Hey, doggie, you want to hear a joke or whatever? It actually was sometimes funny in like an intimate venue, but in a place where there was one person in the front row. And it was one of those... In a venue where you had to walk seven rows to touch the first audience member. No, I literally had to climb on top of the chairs to get to the person. I had to like balance.

You were determined. I was really, I was like, I have a script. I have to stick to it. I like climbed over two rows and went, want to hear a joke, little doggy? Oh, that's so funny. I think I had a wireless mic so they could hear me. Did that get silenced? That one did not get great.

I don't remember that one. That one didn't get much. I just imagined it taking you a minute to get to the audience. I didn't have the time, so I needed to waste a little bit. And then the medical condition was I talked about being a bedwetter, which was true. I don't see why it's bad that I talked about it specifically. So she thought I really had it. Isn't that the point of comedy?

Well, she seems to be like describing the way jokes are said. Yeah. Oh, he was honest. And I thought he was telling the truth. I met this guy and he he joked about how he never got any respect. And it seemed like he did get respected. Not naming it makes her seem awful because like, what if it was cancer? And then she proceeded to give you the worst review ever.

He was always shaking on stage. I didn't get it. It was just bedwetting. It wasn't that bad either. It wasn't a big deal. Where was this? It was in Montreal. No didn't get it. It was just bedwetting. It wasn't that bad either. It wasn't a big deal. Where was this? It's in Montreal. No, I mean the review.

I can't remember the website. It's on some blog. Some random blog. I don't remember how I found it even. It's not a well-known publication. I think I typed my name on Google and it came up. I'm pretty sure. When you're not looking at porn, you have time to look at Google. I had the Google search alert, whatever.

I just, yeah, I just wonder if, like, at the time, like, now who gives a shit, obviously. Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah. It's, honestly, it's one of those fucked up things where, it's a fucked up thing where I'm like, man, my comedy's not brave enough for me to ever get a review like this, even though a review like this would devastate me forever.

She reviewed every single person on the show, and I got by far the most type. Everyone else got like five words. Good, great, bad, whatever. But I got a whole paragraph. She fucking hated you. All press is good press in the end. Did you cry when you read it?

Yeah, I did. Yeah, for sure oh my god more because more not because of the actually what she said but because of how people would perceive what she said because it sounds like i bombed i don't really i knew i didn't bomb so that didn't really bother me but everyone's gonna be like he went there and bombed with these jokes the funny thing is the canadian prime minister thing so i forgot i I switched it in Montreal because I was trying to be like, do a little Montreal thing. So I'm like, I know everything about Canadian prime ministers. The joke is I usually do presidents and I'd be like, I know everything about a president.

And then they'd say something and I'd be like, white male. It was like a twist. Yeah, that was the joke. After doing all the countries and being like, I know all the capitals. Then it was like a twist. Like, oh, ha ha. He was joking about this. Yeah.

So and that joke killed it. That was by far the biggest laugh of my side it like got an applause break and she's like i won like no you lost you didn't understand the joke yeah she has no sense she didn't she didn't get it at all i didn't understand where does she live she is in british columbia i believe i think so samantha gold Is that her name? Right? Is there any fantasy in your mind that she stumbled upon the other show? Oh, I would love to have her review another show. That would be great. Oh, that would be really fun.

Revenge. JFL revenge. Would you make her the doggie for the opening bit? Oh, yes. You want to hear a little joke, little Samantha? Oh, my God. When you did that joke, did you normally pick men? Only men. Only men. Only men. Only white men. I never touched anyone else's head. little joke little Samantha oh my god when you did that joke did you normally pick men only men only men

only white men I never touched anyone else's head you can't you can't touch if you touch a black woman's head as your opener oh my god

one time a guy grabbed my hand and just like held it there for a while I was like don't you ever do that again and you were like I'm gonna keep doing this

and I kept doing it of course that made me want to do it more maybe there was like a toupee involved. Oh, probably. Man, that would be funny if I just pulled someone's toupee off. That would be the end of my career. But boy, would that go viral.

Do you used to be more of an alt comedian? Yeah, I used to be kind of alt-y. What changed? And what's the definition of alt-y? Yeah, I think the definition is a little illusory but i mean i did break i brought a pile of books on stage at jfl i used to that's the definition yeah i i used to add some of my big closer with kind of a funny joke i'd bring a bunch of books on stage so one of them was the bible which i read a verse from did a joke about

that kind of funny and then i'd be like i'm doing this i'm like i'm working for this charity trying to increase literacy so to get people to read books i'm spoiling the endings to novels so people will read them before i could spoil them for everyone or whatever and then i'd like yell out the how books ended and stuff like that and there a couple of them were like, a Toyota manual. You picked a bad car or something like that. And then Game of Thrones was the last one because it wasn't out yet.

And I was like, you guys want me to spoil Game of Thrones? They'd be like, no. Don't do it. That was the whole big gag at the end because Game of Thrones hadn't ended yet or whatever. And I would throw the books very comically high and they'd come. So... It was... I would throw the books very comically high and they'd come crashing down.

It was very Carrot Top-esque. You would assault more audience members. Yeah, yeah. You'd aim for the guy who's... Oh, a guy got hit for sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I would throw the Quran too. Oh, my God. I would say I was. It wasn't actually the Quran but I would say, I've thrown the Quran

or whatever. I think I vacillate a very... I don't think I could ever be an alt-comedian. Like, I don't think my brain thinks that way. Yeah, it's fun. It was fun. There's half the time I go like,

half the time like this is a gimmick and then half the time I go, they're so genius that they're above my level of like what is fun. I agree. Good alt-comedy is amazing. I love it. Would you say David Cross was an alt comedian?

He had some, like... He used to read from things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to read from the newspaper. Yeah, but he was still... There were still traditional punchlines. He definitely had some, like, weird alt-y jokes. Which even regular comedians can have, like, crazy alt-y bits.

I think I stopped doing alt comedy because people made fun of me so much. That's honestly why. That's the only reason. I had fun doing it. I would love to bring it back, right. Spits. I think I stopped doing alt-comedy because people made fun of me so much. That's honestly why. That's the only reason. I had fun doing it. I would love to bring it back, honestly. It's hard to... The people that were in New York, you can't go up at the comedy store with a prop. No one will ever...

I mean, I would love to. Alt-comics, I feel like part of the game is you got to be ready to bomb a lot of different... There's a lot of shows that you will not be right for. Yeah, yeah. People have to know comedy to get alt comedy. You can't get alt comedy if you don't already get comedy. And I think there's a degree,

we were talking about this last night to a degree of like, you can't, stand-up is so competitive right now. You can't bomb. You can't just be bombing like that. Your clubs will stop working. Yeah.

Maybe there's some spaces that will encourage you, but like, they'll just stop working. You got to do a B-plus job at least. You got to be bringing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't.

It's at the cellar. There's really no alt comics that I can think of, really. Maybe Daniel Simonson is kind of an alt comic. No. Not really. Not really. No, he's not. He's different, but he's a comic.

Yeah. Even like Martin Urbano is probably the closest to an old comic but still there's a lot of setups and pure punchlines that make it work in traditional

spaces he's probably the altiest club comic I can think of I love he's amazing he's like one of my favorites

Julio Torres oh Julio Torres is old but I don't know how deep he made it into like the traditional I couldn't see him going up at 12.30 p.m. at the cellar. I couldn't see that.

With the shapes and everything. It might click in. It might once in a while click in and people are dying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. But that's a pretty example where someone's describing their favorite shape. Part of me is like, what the fuck? No, no.

No. I refuse. I didn't pay two drinks for this. I saw that live. I'm like, like you idiot i was talking about my parents shut the fuck up you fucking hack wow talk about shapes yeah you should be talking about your favorite shapes you loser it's like transcendent at some point yeah you you were a bedwetter i was until maybe 21, 20, 21. Was it consistent up until that point? No, it was pretty regular until I was like 15, maybe.

Pretty like 15, 16, probably. How often? Once a week, maybe. Once every other week. It was a lot. Sleepovers were my biggest nightmare. I was so scared of sleepovers. I would stay up all lot. I couldn't go. Sleepovers were my biggest nightmare. I was so scared of sleepovers. I would stay up all night.

I couldn't fall asleep. So I'd wake up. My mom would pick me up in the morning. I'd be like, I had a great time. I couldn't sleep all night because I knew I would wet the bed. I couldn't drink the pop with everyone. I had to like dehydrate myself all the whole night. Would that work?

Usually, yeah. But occasionally I'd have a sleeping bag and no one knows if you wet a sleeping bag. I did it a couple of times. You just have some change of clothes. You have a pitch black sleeping bag. Yeah, yeah. No change in color if it's soaking wet.

Yep, exactly. You roll it up and you throw the wet clothes in the sleeping bag. It's just a trash bag. Yeah, kind of. Mom's like, oh, I don't wash the fucking thing again. I had those fucking diaper sheets on my bed

until I was like 15. Like underneath. They're not very comfortable. They're kind of crunchy. Yeah. They're kind of crunchy. Yeah. I had like a bed bug thing.

Oh, yeah. Like a bed bug protector. Oh, yeah. It was probably like that. It was. The thing people don't know about bed wetting, it feels great.

While you're wetting yourself, it's like one of the greatest because you're dreaming. I was just going to ask you that. You're dreaming about like one of the greatest because you're you're dreaming i was just gonna ask you're dreaming about like getting into a hot tub and you're like but while you're pissing yourself it's like the warmest most ethereal ecstasy you ever feel it's amazing i'm like i'm peeing here the last time i went to bed, which was, you know, I was a little kid, but I remember dreaming about it. I dreamt that I was at a bathroom and that I was peeing,

and I woke up and I peed myself. It's almost always you're getting in a hot tub, you're going in the ocean, you're sitting down peeing. It was never I need to pee. In the dream, you weren't like, I'm peeing in the tree. No, sometimes I know you are. You're like, I'm in the ocean, and I'm peeing in the ocean or something. And it's amazing. It's a beautiful feeling. Peeing in the ocean. I'm peeing in the ocean or something. It's amazing.

It's a beautiful feeling. Peeing in the ocean is a nice experience. It's a great feeling. Unless it's the Dead Sea. That hurts. Really? Oh, salty? Yeah, it goes back in up your penis.

Everything stinks no matter what. Well, they call it, I think, a horse bath. Because there's a degree of like, if you've had sex the night before, the little tears and whatnot will it'll sting even more from the salt so there was a thing of like it's like the whore detector or something but you

know if you get in there and you're like ah you're like you fucking slut but like your nipples will sting and your asshole hurt my asshole hurt especially if you just got fucked Right You went to Israel

Birthright I studied in Israel for a summer For college Not Jewish But like religion I studied religion And Jerusalem Interesting country

Beautiful but We had on the last episode We had an Israeli A German Israeli But very critical of Israel Yeah I'm very critical I don't know how to fucking talk Beautiful, but... We had, on the last episode, we had a German-Israeli, but very critical of Israel. Yeah, I'm very critical. I don't know how to fucking talk. You're a history of history.

I don't know enough to even... Oh, I love it. I just even whisper at this point, as if I'm like, have you heard of Israel? I don't even know. All I know is that I got offered to do something last year,

and it was like an easy money thing, like comedians talking around a table about Israel. And I looked at the company and it was connected to Israel. Oh, it was a little think tank. Oh, yeah. A little Zionist. I said no to it. And it was like three grand for like half a day's work.

Oh, wow. That's what I'm making for this, right? Yeah, for sure. This is also sponsored by Israel. yeah for sure this is also sponsored by Israel yeah but

but uh I definitely like I don't even know how to I don't even know how to speak about it but you said no that's still that's still cool

I like that sure and I would hope I always hope that like I would always hope that if a politician any kind of politician wanted to do this show

I'd be like no yeah yeah because I know you're here to promote something to promote some evil war I'm not smart enough to have that.

If I had you here, I'd be like, okay, you challenge him for me. Yeah, I would love to. Bring Jeb Bush on here. I would love that. Jeb was the one who was asking. That's who was asking. What could they accomplish with a comedian think tank about Israel? What were they trying to do?

They were going to promote Birthright. Birthright is this thing where Birthright is promoting the brand of Israel. What were they trying to do? They were going to promote birthright. Birthright is this thing where birthright is promoting the brand of Israel but there's a degree of, I live in America, America does all these atrocities. There's just an easy way as an American to talk about Israel and not talk about the things that America does

because it's not necessarily to the people right next door to us. So it's not as easy to show the lines oh yeah we're funding their things they're doing it's all the it's the same thing yeah it's the same so it's just like i just remember someone came up to me after a show and she was like i know a booker in israel and it raises money for victims of uh terrorism in israel and like which terrorism i'm like which terrorism what's the thing i know there's bad things,

but I don't know what to do. Yeah, yeah. And luckily, as most things happen, the booker never reached out and I did not have to deal with that moral connection. Yeah, that would be a tough one.

You're like, can we give half to Gaza too? And they'd be like, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, man. I can't wait for you to cut all this out. We're not going to get specific.

We won't get specific. All I know is that like, because i wasn't raised very jewish i have no like special emotional ties to israel when i went to the i'm not gonna but you won't say no to birthright it's amazing why would you not go of course but i did do a show i did do a show in boston it was like a storytelling show but i told my birthright story which was like incredibly critical of the whole it would mean, it was a joke, it was a joke-driven thing. At no point did I go,

but then I saw the wall and I thought of my people. None of that shit. But someone came up to me after the show and said, so, you drank the Kool-Aid. Oh. And I,

it was one of those where I'm like, buddy. On which side? Which Kool-Aid? The Israel Kool-Aid. Oh, they thought you were being

like a Zionist guy up there? Yeah, just purely because he did. Just because you went on birthright? Yeah. Who says no to a free two-week vacation? Let alone a Jew. Yeah. Let alone.

It was made for y'all. I love it. I would love a German thing. Let's go back to Auschwitz every year. Let me go back. Just a free chip. I just want a trip.. Let's go back to Auschwitz every year. Let me go back. That was just a free chip. I just want a trip. This is gross to say.

That's how much I respect. The first joke of mine is that you liked. It was on Instagram. It was a birthright. It was the, because sometimes they don't let you on birthright if only your dad is Jewish. You're like ranked lower.

And the joke was, you're Jewish enough for Germany, but not for Israel. I love that. I was like, that was right up, that was a pure lame. Love a Holocaust joke.

Yeah. Is it true that we're not supposed to tell them at the Comedy Cellar? Should we talk about this on here? Maybe not. No, I think I've certainly told, I tell that Holocaust joke. But you,

but I'm not Jewish. So I probably shouldn't. Is how I feel like. I feel like I should. I don't know. I don't know. Are there unwritten rules to the Comedy Cellar?

Every club has unwritten rules. Every club has unwritten rules. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Are there unwritten rules to the Comedy Cellar? Every club has unwritten rules. Every club has unwritten rules. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what the unwritten rules are. Yeah, okay. We probably shouldn't talk about it here. As a Jew, I think there's none for me. Yeah, you can.

The one you told last night was great. I appreciate it. I like that one. No, go for it. Go for it. Okay, I'll do it. There we go. I'll do one.

I just do want to, because I do want to talk about Israel and your college education. Yeah. A summer. A bed wedding. A summer. I've always wondered with bed wedding, it's one of those things I'm like,

how does anyone stop bed wedding? Frankly, it's in your sleep. My girlfriend has night terrors and it's the same thing. It's like, well, how do we stop this? You're asleep. Right, right. You're not deciding this. There's no, I didn't take medicine. It's like, well, how do we stop this? You're asleep. Right, right. You're not deciding this.

There's no, I didn't take medicine. It's no surgery. You're just like your bladder gets stronger. That's all it is. Oh, wow. Your bladder gets stronger? It's like the muscle is too weak to keep in the piss. That was my understanding.

That might not be true, but that's how I was told. I sometimes, sometimes I'll hold in a pee because I'm like, let's take those muscles. You're not supposed to hold in p either it's like how do you strengthen it kegels the kegels are okay yeah yeah kegels absolutely i do kegels right i do kegels all the time can you imagine you could hear the kegels oh if it was like a a uh like a ungreased wheel. When I was coming... That's what that is. That's what Kegels are. When I was coming too fast

with that first girlfriend in high school, they said Kegels would do it. Yep. I've done them, but they don't seem to do anything. It would be really uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable.

I remember being in Latin class and I would just try to hold it for 10 minutes and you get tired. It's awful. Oh, yeah. You were holding it was I would just like try to like hold it for 10 minutes and you get tired it's awful oh yeah you were holding it yeah you're supposed to hold it

for like 10 seconds tell me how long you can hold I'm holding it right now okay I'm looking at the timer right now we can talk during it we don't want to it's tough to talk during it though yeah yeah

I can't think about anything else I used to do 10 sets of 10 seconds it was like a lift I would do like if I'm not doing it I'm on stand on the train okay I'll do 10 sets of 10 seconds. It was like a lift I would do. Like if I'm not doing it, I'm on stand on the train. Okay, I'll do 10 Kegels right now. I mean, did you see a lot of doctors? This is like a real inconvenience.

The bedwetting, it's not that uncommon, honestly. It's like 10% of people wet the bed till they're like 15 or something like that. It's not that rare. Once a week? Yeah, once a week, once a month. It was probably, it was like once a week until I was 12, maybe like once a month until 15, yeah. Do you feel like you just grew out of it or do you think you... Pretty much, yeah, I just

stopped doing it. And then college like once or twice, but that might have been when I, because I was drunk too. I don't know, who knows at that point. Are you in therapy? I was. My therapist quit therapy, but that's a little thing to think about because they were retiring or like she had she was doing some other like type of therapy or not a different type of i don't really understand but she kind of quit there but you do

something that sounds like an excuse like a breakup she did like i'm doing uh something else she didn't really tell me She didn't really like tell a therapy or something like that. Like that, like Michael Phelps thing. That's what she was doing. Because there's a lot of more money in that.

Oh, the BetterHelp. Yeah, there's a lot of money in that. Which I feel like it's a scam. My girlfriend's a therapist and she's like, that's a scam.

Is it really BetterHelp? They like really don't know what they're doing and it's kind of just like a band-aid. Oh, I do have to do this. We are, we want to give a-out to our sponsors, BetterHelp. You are making the world a better place.

We appreciate you. It's all good. Honestly, no, I mean, listen, I think it's good for people to do therapy. It is good. But automatically, any time anything's commodified, I have a skepticism. Yes. And I think especially when you start therapy not in person. I mean, I've been doing – I have not gone back to in-person therapy. Never. I have a skepticism. And I think especially when you start therapy not in person. I mean, I've been doing I have not gone back to in-person therapy.

Never. I never did it. Oh, I used to do it. Oh, really? And there's something, obviously, so much better about being in the room and being able to smell your therapist. There's something... I didn't care about the smell so much. That wasn't my thing.

That was a joke but there was a degree of when you're with another human being of course that's better there's more intimacy absolutely and I would argue smells are part of that

a smell is a part yeah my girlfriend says they're probably never going back to in person a lot of places are my therapist offered me oh they did

she'd go into the office once a week now okay it's just like it it's not convenient yeah it's not so my girlfriend made a good point like it's kind of sometimes it's scary for the therapist because like people are weird and like there's been times where like people are like kind of like violent and like stuff you're in all alone in a room with a guy who's talking about beating his wife. And you're like, oh, he could beat me right now. So a lot of therapists. I do couples counseling.

That's in person. Yeah. Oh, you do. Oh, okay. You do that. You do both. Yeah. Oh, damn.

He's got a lot of issues. You got to do that. I think couples counseling is so, I'm such a fan of it that part of me is like, I want a one session with like each one of my close close friends once a year oh like a friend's counseling oh absolutely just with one specific friend who i feel like that would do more stuff bottled up you think so do more harm than good i feel like a once a year check-in is just like a chance for you to air your grievances. That's good, though. For an hour.

I think that's good. And then fucking go on with your life. You would never be friends with that person again. But then you shouldn't have been friends with them. You could argue. What would be your leading thing about me if we went to couples counseling? I don't know. Here we go.

Let me think about that. Don't chicken out. I mean, it's just great. I just think it's great. Everyone should Don't chicken out. I mean, it's, it's just great. I just think it's great. Everyone should have an airing. I mean, that's the Seinfeld episode,

the airing of grievances. Everyone should do that every year with someone. We, we bottle it all up and then you let it out at another friend's funeral or whatever. You don't ever get it out. I, uh,

that was a little dark. That was a little dark. Uh, so you've, you've, you've not wet the bed dark. That was a little dark. So you've, you've, you've not wet the bed. You have a girlfriend right now. I do live with my girlfriend. And you've not wet the bed. No, I have not in a decade.

Would it be funny at this point? I feel like it would be a little, it'd be a little throwback. It'd be a little nostalgic. Like, oh, I'd probably get addicted to it again. Like, oh, that's the feel. That's the vibe I was missing. That'd be great i said this on on caitlin palufo's podcast but i i was with a girlfriend in college and she was high we were both high and uh she she was on top and i thought she was uh squirting uh but it turns out like i

remember we were very stoned and i remember just being being like, oh my God, she's squirting. And I was like, that's a lot of squirt. And then I was like, it's so warm. It's so warm. And she peed fully. While you were having sex with her? While she was on top, yeah. And she was peeing the whole, what? Peed fully.

Wow. Which I thought wasn't even like. I bet that felt good. Well, that's the thing. In the beginning, it was a degree of like, like, so warmth. I mean, yeah, it's warm. It's warm. And then, and I just remember, cause like, I'm, I'm squeamish about that stuff.

But in that moment, I was like, I think I immediately was like, this is horrifying for her. I'm going to be, I became like a super adult where I was like, oh, looks like, uh, she looks like you beat the bed. It's okay. You don't say anything. In my head, I'm like, ah, you beat the bed. It's okay. In my head I'm like, I don't know if I can ever have sex again. Do you keep going after the piss is done? No, sex is done. I just remember taking the sheets,

getting all the corners. It happens to a lot of girls. This happens. No worries. It's never happened again since. I've never seen that happen. That's wild. That's why people are into piss play, though.

It's nice and warm. Not me. I can't imagine. I'm not for that. I've done it to myself enough. I'm not going to pay someone else. You've done piss play? Patrice O'Neill had the famous bit.

That's how he found out he had diabetes, was he was pissing on his girlfriend, who is in the comedy scene. Oh, wow, yeah. And she said, like, baby, your pee tastes like birthday cake. Oh, my God. Oh, that's right.

Get out of here. It becomes really sweet. Oh, that's how he found out. If it tasted like birthday cake, I would be curious. Then I'd be into it. Then I'd be like, okay, we don't need to cure this yet.

Let's get a couple gallons of this diabetes pee first. Are you into piss play? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the thing, though. You don't know. You don't know what anyone's into. Russell could be into piss play, and I would have no idea. And you wouldn't say it.

I wouldn't say it. We're all hiding our own little things. We're all looking at each other like, what are you really into? Yeah, right. No one knows. Only our exes know. Yeah're all looking at each other like, what are you really into? Yeah, right? No one knows. Only our exes know. Yeah. That's why you got to.

That's a fun thing to do. That's a fun game to play. It's like, what are you really into? If anyone's kinky on our sketch team, I would say it's Russell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see Russell having, like, outfits. Oh. And he has wigs.

He's into wigs. He likes wigs. He has more wigs than we've used them in sketches for. So what were those other ones for? What are they for? We all have a little. Everyone has a kink. Yeah. Everyone has more wigs than we've used them in sketches for. So what were those other ones for? What are they for? We all have a little. Everyone has a kink. Everyone has a couple kinks.

We all. It gets boring otherwise. So you went to college for religion. I did. And you know, there was a part of me where I was like, why would you go to college for religion? And then hearing your full story, I'm like, of course you did. I love religion. I think it rips.

I'm a huge religion guy. I also did history too, but they're both useless. You were raised Catholic? Yes. Catholic school. Yes. Me too. You did?

Did you do Catholic school? I didn't do Catholic school. He's a Jew. Oh. No, no, no. I'm not. I'm a confirmed Catholic. You're a confirmed Catholic, but you're Jewish.

My father's Jewish. Oh, does that make you? You're uncomfortable with me saying you're a Jew. No, no, Jewish my father's Jewish oh does that make you you're uncomfortable with me saying you're a Jew no no no I'm not I'm not no but

in order to like are you not Jewish then if you're confirmed Catholic do they know they must have known first of all I'm an atheist I do not believe in God

I'm not we know it's assumed on the downside it's assumed you're an atheist it's assumed an atheist

but I was you believe in God I believe in a God I gotta go. An atheist. You believe in God? I believe in a God. I've got to go into that. I'm dying to go into that. I don't believe in a Christian God anymore, no. I like religion. I think it's interesting.

That'd be shocking if you were like... I believe in the Bible, Exodus. I love that. Leviticus. Leviticus. Yeah. So, okay, you were raised... No, no.

I love my Jewish heritage. In fact, that side of my family is my favorite part of that family. Oh, yeah. I bet. Jewish culture is awesome. I love Shabbat. It's a great thing. Yeah, exactly.

It's so sad. I can never do it because of this profession. Oh, right. You can't do it. It's sad for Tova. We go to Passover. Oh, yeah. It's great.

But no, I mean, if we're talking technically, like my mother is Catholic and I was, you know, I was an altar boy. Altar boy. Yeah. Did you do that? Oh, yeah. I thought it was the coolest thing. You're like, I'm helping out the priest.

But how bad is the priest's breath? Oh, they're so boring too. Priest's breath is the worst. Yeah. Ours wasn't like a touchy guy, but he was, it was almost like maybe touch someone, have a little personality. At least you have something interesting about you. It was almost like, maybe touch someone and have a little personality. At least you have something interesting about you.

It was so boring. You liked being an altar boy? I liked doing something during the fucking It was better than regular mass. Boring ass mass. What does an altar boy do during the mass?

You bring up the book to the pre... The book. The Bible. You bring up the book. The good one? The good with a good book. You help him hand out the bread

if you're old enough. Yeah, you light the candles. You light the candles. The good one? The good with a good book. You help him hand out the bread if you're old enough. Yeah, you light the candles. You light the candles. There's incense maybe. Do you put the bread on the tongue or do you hand it to the hands? That's like old school. Old school people do that. It's mostly in the hands.

Old people are like, what's the church got busted? They said, okay, Father, we're going to put it in the hands. You can't touch tongues anymore, those dirty hands. Yeah. I like Catholic music, though. I like the music. I have a soft spot for a few Catholic hymns.

Whenever they went to the verse it was like ba da da da da da da ba da da da da da Every verse always sounded exactly the same. They do. Mine is the glory of the Lord He is risen It was always the fucking same.

Do we have to pay copyright for that? You, if you have a kid. Yeah. Are you going to bring him to church every once in a while? No. You're talking about it so affectionately. I'm shocked. I mean, I guess.

If you talk religion, he has to reaffirm that he's an atheist for everyone. Is that what I think? No, I've just heard you. Well, you know to reaffirm that he's an atheist for everyone. Is that one of my things? No, I've just heard you. Well, you know me. I'm an atheist. God is stupid. No, it's just interesting. It's not like you're obnoxious about it, but you are someone who makes a point of it.

I've heard it enough times that you feel a need to make a point of it. And I don't know if that has to do with your parents. It must be. But you won't go to therapy, so we'll never know. That's not true. I went to therapy when I was a kid. But no, I do think it has something to do with my parents and my mother. I fight with my mother.

About religion? Yeah, very much. Is she really into Catholicism? Very much. My parents are pretty. They're not Catholic anymore, but they're still very Christian. Oh, really? They're like the universalist or some shit.

Oh. Yeah, they actually went more right wing, honestly. That's where you're like the universalist or some shit yeah like yeah they actually went more right wing honestly that's where you're like in a stadium and there's like yeah yeah yeah the priest doesn't wear the garments anymore he's in like jeans and a t-shirt but there yeah there's a drummer and a bassist they're doing guitar solos but it's somehow they're fitting in hate too it's like bizarre it's like rock and roll bigotry. They still managed to get the hate in there. They somehow fit it in. It's even worse, honestly.

I actually respect the Catholicism because like, at least if we're doing a 2,000-year-old prayer, I expect some hate. If you're bringing in all this modern stuff, you'd think you'd modernize the ideology too, but they don't. It's so boring. Yeah.

I remember every once in a while the priest would like make, would like just like subtly pray for a politician. You know, like one of his, you know. Like not by name, but be like. No, no, by name. Like, you know, because we pray for the Pope. We pray for the bishops. We pray for the bishops.

And then they pray that, oh, this president does his thing. Yeah. And it's like subtle. They'd be like, yeah, they'd be his thing. It's subtle. They'd be like the Senator Norm Coleman. I hope Norm Coleman makes the right decision this weekend or something like that. These churches, no church has ever gotten in trouble for, because they're not supposed to endorse politically

because they're not taxed, correct? I think they're not legally allowed to, but they do. They do. They don't need to explicitly say it's Republican, being against gay marriage and saying muslims are icky you kind of know which way they're leaning that is the official they say they're a little icky it's in corinthians you know they weren't even a religion yet but god predicted it that's really funny so you were you were raised catholic and you have respect for it i i i think it's a very evil thing but i think they have done a few good things they kept they kept like literature

and alive during the dark ages and they weren't as anti-science as you're led to believe but they're generally evil yeah 80 evil do you remember what age you like really found out about like the pedophiles? Oh, yeah. That's something they really keep under locks. You didn't hear about that until college, really. Or you knew that, like, you were like, oh, it's just a couple. One in every century or whatever.

But now you realize it's like most of the money you're giving to the basket every week is going to legal settlements for pedophiles. Jesus, man. Like, Minnesota alone gave like $ million dollars last year in legal settlements that would raise more money if it's going to the victims i'd be like yeah give some money for the victims of the guy up there oh man and they and they just shuffle them to it's so bad they just shuffle them they don't even send them to jail almost ever what when when was the boston globe what year was that that was maybe early 2000s that was the Boston Globe? What year was that? That was maybe early 2000s. That was the one we heard about. It was Bernard Law. I remember the guy's name. You're like, that's the one. They're bad, but they're not here. It's not here. My teacher, my psychology teacher in high school talked about like a guy in DC who had a sign that was like, the Catholic

church is filled with pedophiles. And he was the crazy guy on the street. Right. And then one day he was fully vindicated. Right. Then is QAnon going to be that? Yes, that's it. Is it going to be like all the Democrats? They were pedophiles. They were drinking adrenochrome the whole time.

Did that rock your parents? Do you remember that moment? Like, did your parents like... That is one reason they left the Catholic Church. Oh, really? Because now I'm pretty sure the guy in the jeans

can get married. I think he can get married. Yeah, they're pastors. Yeah, they're not priests. They're pastors or something even less than that. Like Leader Jerry. I think it might be Leader. I can't remember exactly.

Really? I've only been to it a couple times. I don't like it. But you don't go to anything? No, I don't. No, no. I did maybe until I was like 24. I'd go like three times a year.

We still go to Christmas if I'm home. A lot of things happen to you in your 20s. Yeah, you're right. That is kind of when it all... Well, because I graduated and then I started comedy and then comedy kind of opened me up because I was kind of a sheltered... I lived in a very sheltered, conservative, all-white

town. Were you a cynical and pessimistic and biting? I was a huge hardcore atheist in college, and then I kind of came back to religion a little bit. I'm not religious. Why does an atheist go to study religion in college? To get to the other side. No, that's really good. It just sounded like a joke. It does. It's like to get to the other side, heaven or hell. That's really good.

It's like to get to the other side, heaven or hell. I don't even think you realize how genius that was. That was great. I just think people don't know enough about religion. It's crazy that religion literally shapes everything that's happening in politics right now and people don't know

enough about it. Like whether you believe it or not, you should still know what the Quran says. You should still know Hinduism. As someone who was raised with no religion. No religion? I mean, not really. You weren't raised with any? No. I mean, my father was raised by.

So to brief, my step grandfather, who kind of raised my dad after his dad left was a Catholic priest. Fell in love with my grandma, was a secretary. He was dean of students at Georgetown University. Oh, wow. He asked, he wrote the Pope, can you make an exception? For me to marry? Yeah. Can you make an exception?

Out of all the priests? He was very optimistic. That's why he was religious. And they sent him to a psych ward. They sent him to a psych ward because they said, you're the Dean of Students. You're throwing away your life for your secretary who has kids. Are you out of your mind?

At least they had a bitch with no kids. Like, this is a lot of stuff. And he was excommunicated. He left the priesthood. But like many former priests, he had an affection. He was part of the blogs of not the lapsed Catholics who hated the church now, but who still love the church. They love hearing the news. They have some infractions, but they're good.

Yeah. Even though he was excommunicated, according to his faith, he would go to hell. That's great. He didn't even leave Catholicism. He kept believing in that. He didn't even go to Lutheranism. You can marry in that. He was still part of it.

And I went through, when I was in college, I had like just an existential crisis mixed with no religion growing up, mixed with like OCD thoughts about dying. And he was one of those people who like kind of tried to talk to me in a way that no one had talked to me before spirituality or whatever and gave me a book by martin gardner who was a mathematician who was i've always described myself as a fideist i believe in god because it feels good to do so oh yeah and i'm a little more than that i'm a little i'm a little fruity in my thinking you guys you got some hippie tendencies yeah but it's but there's another part of me And I'm a little more than that. I'm a little fruity in my thinking.

You got some hippie tendencies. Yeah, but there's another part of me that I'm like, you're lying to yourself. I have that, yeah. I think I know that Jesus wasn't born from a virgin. I know that, but I still believe it, even though I know it's not true. I struggle with it. That makes sense. It's weird. I feel more like I don't want to be an atheist,

but I fear that I am. I just don't think, I think of it as a bad thing. I think it's more fun. I think it's, I think it's more fun and more special to believe that you only get this one go around. Better make the, better sit in a triangle and talk into a microphone.

Better do a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I just think that like, and like with Jesus, it's like, no, Jesus was an amazing person. Why do we have to take the... Or he wasn't in the...

The story is. The story is good. He has good ideas. Whether it's Harry Potter has good ideas. Exactly. It doesn't matter. J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree with that. The story is better than the source. Yeah, yeah. It's the same as the Bible. That's funny. I just think it takes... I think it's, like, why do we have to make him a god? Why can't he just be a fun, good person?

Right. But I think I'm of the mind, I'm like, I definitely feel like, sadly, Bill Marrish, where I'm like, get rid of it all. Get rid of it all. Oh, yeah. That's how I feel. I mean, you have, it's so hard to write a comedy about astrology because it's almost obvious. But you have the thing about you can't criticize people for global warming. You can't criticize people who don't believe in global warming if you believe in astrology.

Because you're both engaging in irrational thought. And I hate astrology. I think it's the dumbest thing in the entire world. It makes me so angry. When people are unironically. There's no religion anymore. Yeah, everyone needs to believe in something. So they picked this bizarre meme that, I mean, it's old Chinese astrology, but why did they, why?

There's more evidence for Jesus than astrology by far. It's not even close. Go to Jesus or Muhammad. astrology by far is not even close. Go to Jesus or Muhammad. I think when I heard, when I heard, you know,

in, in, you know, in middle school, they, they say, Karl Marx said, religion is the opiate of the masses. Oh yeah.

And I was like, oh yeah. And that was it. Like, I hate it. I hate, I hate religion. I think organized religion is dumb,

but like learn, I think like religious thought can be interesting, but being part of a but being part of any group is kind of stupid. In the end. Tova's made me, Tova has, I can appreciate groups

and community. That's right. And as you get older and your body starts to go and I'm not close to my family, I'm like, oh, it would be nice if...

To believe that. Or just to have like, oh, a group of men, I can go somewhere and an older group of men, I can go somewhere and an older group of men will automatically show me a little bit of kindness and friendship

and talk to me. Right, right. That's why incels do it. Sure. They just need a little community. It's a lack of community. Well, I think that like religion and politics

are alike in that you realize that it's the most local is the best, right? Oh, true. So your church, if it's a group of people, a community, that's nice. But on a grander scale is where it- Like a local church, they make a playground. Exactly.

Catholic schools do educate a lot of people that wouldn't have education otherwise. There was a church recently that did an unauthorized production of Hamilton. Okay. But they changed it where it was an anti-gay message. What? How? They wrote new raps? They wrote new raps.

They changed the raps. They worked so hard. That's kind of beautiful. They put a lot of work into that. Actually, we got a song from it right now. No gays. What if we got sued for playing that? I mean, who is that? We've got a song from it right now. No games. What if we got sued for playing that? I mean, whoever wrote that, I hope they didn't hear about it

and they got a check from Spotify for $1,000. What the fuck? What the fuck? Is it like that the whole song? Yeah. Are there words? No, there's no words. But it starts off differently.

I mean, it's a wild ride. By the way, I learned about this at the cabin, and Russell was reading it to us, crying with laughter. This is like Russell's favorite thing of all time. It's a very funny story. And then some people on TikTok showed themselves pumping to it. Oh, God, it's so funny. So, okay.

Tell me the God that you believe in the god i believe it i i i believe in a god and i see him through a christian lens because that's how i was raised and i saw all that stuff i don't actually think that's true but it's just like comfortable like i've always i read the bible i read the bible once when i was a kid, once in college for school. And so that's the only way I could see it. Even though I know God isn't a bearded white man who had a son named Jesus. But that's the only way I can see it any other way. You see him with a face?

It looks just like when he comes in The Simpsons or whatever. Really? Yeah. And when do you think of it? When you're feeling sad, you think of him patting you on the head and saying, good doggy. Yeah, like I always... There are some jokes. I always imagine like after I die

that the way what happens is you just are in like a, like a viewing room and you could just view all of human history and just watch it. So that's my idea of heaven is I could just watch Genghis Khan on campaign. Rape what he rapes. Pillage what he rapes. That would be the twist of heaven or hell. What do you want to watch first? Genghis Khan on campaign. Rape what he rapes. Pillage what he rapes.

That would be the test of heaven or hell. What do you want to watch first? Genghis Khan. Build a pyramid of skulls. So I think it's, I'm only interested because like, and I think there's also like sometimes when someone's, sometimes when someone's joke writing is good, I'm like, oh, I respect their intellect.

But there's good comedians who are. Very stupid. Very stupid. I'm not very good at I respect their intellect. But there's good comedians who are... Very stupid. Very stupid. I'm not very good at explicating what I believe in. One thing I would say, one thing we read that was interesting in college is that all religions are like shining light on a mountain, but from different directions.

They're all shining light on the same ineligible truth or whatever. They're all going towards some ultimate source, but they're kind of just grasping in the dark for it. And the other way to say that is that it's all the wrong answer to the wrong question. Every religion is the wrong answer to the wrong question. It's on the wrong mountain. They're looking at the wrong mountain.

Or the goal isn't even to climb the mountain. I think in my mind there's a degree of, speaking of the wrong question, it's like any conception of our religion like seems to involve us in a very particular way why would god create just us in all this universe of 10 billion stars and then he looks like us it makes no sense the only thing

the only thing that leads me to religion are why is there something rather than nothing i think like the core of that question what what that means is moving. And then consciousness, to me, is special in a certain way that makes me go, hmm. There must be something. I think there has. And also the beginning. What sparks it? You got the bigger bang, but they don't explain why it bangs.

At least not in my opinion. Not that I know. I don't know enough, honestly. Me either. When I was going through this existential crisis, I probably have the book here. bangs at least not in my opinion when i don't know i don't know enough honestly me either when i was going through this existential crisis uh i probably have the book here it was is a scientist something freeman and he was talking about how the universe might be expanding at an accelerating rate oh yeah talked about how that means that someday there will be nothingness for eternity and like reading

i was at an age where the reading of that sentence ruined my year. The thought of it ruined my year. But I guess, so what is your, do you have any thoughts about, I think the problem of, not evil, the problem of pain and suffering is what I would call it. Why does it exist? When I think about, I often think about the fact that I shouldn't be eating meat. And I think about like animals and the insurmount i shouldn't be eating meat and i think about like right animals and the insurmountable pain that we've put oh yeah just animals eating each other human beings cancer disease and i think what could possibly justify yeah this level of pain

theodicy that's the study of why god creates evil and it yeahicy. Do you neglect it or do you... And I know the thing of like, the pain tests your soul. And I'm like, well, some people are being tested a lot harder than others for no fucking apparent reason. I used to think that like, oh, it's God. Now I've come to the conclusion,

I think that God kind of created us or some power created us and he gave us the tools to be good, and we just chose not to do it. I don't think God has any – I think God just let us go, and we made this world. It could have been a good world, but we fucked up. That's what I would say. But how could it be a good world when part of the world is that

certain animals eat other animals? Well, yeah, they're that, but the eating, but like the war, we could have not had war. We could have not had greed and rape and all that. That didn't have to happen. Sure, but the dolphins

rape each other too. I don't know. I know. I think sometimes we've been taken, like, I think it's so interesting. I mean, God, this might be torture,

but like Descartes, you know, he was the I think therefore I am. Sure. Where he was of the mind, he believed in souls and like a big part of the whole conception

was animals don't have souls. And it's of the mind, he believed in souls. And like a big part of the whole conception was animals don't have souls. And it's like, yeah, because if they do, we have to acknowledge all the terrible shit. We have to feel bad. You have to take in all of this shit. Yeah, this burger is a childhood. It's not as good to think about.

Yeah, meat is a tough one. I try not to eat it, but it's so good. It's good. The Beyond's getting good, though. The fake meat ain't bad. In my mind, I have this, it's the laziest version of morality. I'm like, oh, one day I'll have more money, which is also bad, and then I'll have chefs who will prepare me all sorts of vegan meals that are delicious.

It's the same way. Sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm going to be a big tipper when I'm so rich it doesn't matter. That's not good. That's nothing then. You've accomplished nothing. You're a fucking loser. I give away the money I don't care about. When I own the restaurant that underpays the workers, I'll tip them.

Do you deserve to go to heaven? No, I do not. But no one does. You have a bit of a point. I believe almost no one deserves to go to heaven. What is the point of even believing in that? I agree. It's so strange.

You scream when you almost die. You want to have someone to look up to. So you don't start jerking off there because you're like, this could be it. We need order. You need to believe in something. You need to believe in something, even if it's not real. Some people are like,

you have to do good deeds so you can believe in a reward. Just do good deeds. And sometimes you need rewards. Rewards aren't inherently a bad thing. It's not bad. You want to do the harder thing. You're not saying, oh, I'm going to do this, and then I get to do something really evil. You do this.

It's okay. And also, I hate every year someone will be like, you know the Salvation Army does that bell ringing and people, they're outside, give money to them. I used to bell ring in high school and then people are like, well, actually they hate gay people. And it's like, yeah, but then they tweet that and then they don't donate to any charity.

They're just saying that they're homophobic without adding anything to the world. We have a Salvation Army on the line to have his feedback for this. Well, we named the name. That's fine. He quit comedy. He's an actor now.

That's where they all go. I love that. The most successful stand-up comics, you become an actor. Yeah. It was all public. It's not a big deal. Please don't ask me to cut it I will not I truly don't if I have to cut one more fucking thing

I say retard on stage a lot I want to see how you do your things I think you're doing it wrong I bet you there's an easy way that I can maybe if we spend a moment at the end of this and you're like and then I do this, I'll be like, no, no, no.

I never sympathized with the term mansplaining. Until right now. Until right now. There's a feeling of like, oh, you don't think I know, you don't know how to edit on Premiere? I know how to.

Okay, then fine. If it's taking you 10 hours, that's a long time. Maybe I exaggerated for comedic effect. With all the clips. Maybe it takes me five minutes, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's an annoying five minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I exaggerated for comedic effect. With all the clips. Maybe it takes me five minutes, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's an annoying five minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't like to repeat it. Well, there it is. Well, then good. Then that's fine. It sounds like you're doing it great. Yeah.

All right. Let's move on to our next segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Oh, okay. This has got to stop. I love this. What's something that's got to stop? I was thinking, you know what's got to stop. I love this. What's something that's got to stop?

I was thinking, you know what's got to stop? When people constantly talk about how good celebrities look at their age. When someone's like, oh, J-Lo looks incredible at 52. It's like, yeah, she's rich. She's never had to help a friend move. She doesn't have to go to the DMV. She doesn't wait on hold on the phone. She has no stress. She has a personal chef physical of course she's hot that's not amazing at all if it show me

a 52 year old waffle house waitress who's kept it tight that's impressive i'm not impressed if rihanna looks good while pregnant of course oh she doesn't have to worry about getting affording diapers once it comes out. It's not. We also don't let people age. You can look old. You don't have to look hot at 75. I will add, I hate when, like, it's more with men. I feel like there's men that are not.

John Mulaney is a decent looking person. Yes. Yeah. John Mulaney is a decent looking person. Yes. Yeah. If he looks sexy, it's because of money that has enhanced his teeth,

his skin, his hair, his outfits. But there's this degree of like, oh, they, these were stunning people. And I'm like, no,

the, with money, anyone can upgrade. Anyone's teeth can get better. Yeah. If you can buy a teeth cleaning every month yeah yeah my smile would be great but they'll be like they're so sexy and i'm like if they had not succeeded and you saw them at the grizzly pear they would not be sexy they

would not be yeah they would not and also they're wearing makeup like that's the point of that is to shape their face and they don't even have to waste their time. Someone puts it on for them every fucking day. Someone makes their meal. They eat the perfect meal every day. They have the perfect skin cream. Yeah. It's not impressive. I'm done with that.

Million dollars. What are you fixing first about yourself? Oh, man. I would like, I would get rid of my tummy. I'd get like liposuction. A tummy tuck or whatever they call it. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my God. Yeah. I think about that all the time. Really? you think you will someday i don't think so no well because i also lost a lot of weight so i feel like i have like extra oh the whatever skin or whatever yeah yeah a million dollars i get these two moles removed on my face probably ten dollars yeah that would be a lot i would get that, I have a big birthmark on my ass. I get removed to like that big looks like, is it elevated?

No, but it's, it's the color of poop and it looks like it has hair like this on it. You gotta pluck those hairs. Yeah. You gotta get those hairs out of it sometimes. It is stunning to me that you believe in God. Whenever a girl sees me naked,

they're like, what the fuck? When people saw you naked, did you feel the need to be like, just, you know. It's the first time. Yeah, when I'm taking my box out the first time. It's not shit with hair going out of it. I wipe. I wipe. Because when I was a kid, I used to have a joke about this, but I thought it was dried shit that I didn't wipe off well enough.

So I locked myself in the bathroom and would wipe it for hours because I thought it was just shit that I didn't wipe off well enough. So I locked myself in the bathroom and would wipe it for hours because I thought it was just not wiping hard enough. And wiped it until it was raw. Because it's on the inside. It's kind of by the anus, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. That is such a cruel trick.

It's such a, yeah, so stupid. Yeah. Incredible. I can't. I mean, I would fix it. I want to make my teeth a little better. I don't know if I'd want to, but I have a hairy ass. I don't think I would make the whole ass.

You'd get laser hair removal. Definitely in the crack. I would love to be able to just wipe twice. I dream of the day of two wipes and I'm done. You get stuck to the hairs and you're wiping? Oh my God. I'm wiping. I'm wiping.

And I've said it on the podcast before. I'm sure this is everyone's least favorite. But I've had, I had a roommate once and he was like, we go through toilet paper like really fast. And it was one of those things where I'm like, yeah, well, it's for a reason. What do you want me to fucking say? You want me to tell you about it?

Oh, you want me to get all the shit off in the shower every time? How about that? But are you wrapping around your hands? How dare you? How dare you? I know how to wipe. I know how to wipe. You're questioning how I wipe.

I know how to wipe. I have a hairy ass, too. It's a dingleberry farm down there. They dangle. They dangle, and they come out when you least expect it. The most pathetic. After this, I'll show you. Back when I was hooking up once a year with someone new,

the most pathetic thing I have to do would be to go to the bathroom. Oh, and why clean your ass out? Well, I had to just check it. Because dingleberries, you can't just wipe dingleberries out. You have to face the wall, turn like an owl, and fucking like open your, spread like an owl, and fucking open your cheeks. Make sure, because what could be worse? Do you ever do the

squat and wash your asshole and balls and dick in the tub? No. Wait, you fill the tub with water? No, you don't fill it with water. You run nice warm water and you squat in the tub. Oh, okay. And you give yourself a polish. That would be nice.

Wash it all up. I'm not against that. Get the gooch is where it all goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just clean all that stuff up. Hi, Mom. Oh, Mother. But I think that the inverse to your complaint

about saying how good J-Lo looks is that especially poor women or who's the guy from Friends who's had a tough go of it? Matthew Perry. Matthew Perry. Like, man, they catch a picture

of like an older woman who, you know, took a break from the industry, or Matthew Perry going to get a Starbucks, and they do a picture like, what happened to Matthew Perry? They're like,

I don't want to fuck him anymore. It's like, why do you care if he's hot? Who cares? That's what I don't get. Yeah him anymore. It's like, why do you care if he's hot? Who cares? That's what I don't get. It's really cruel. And Elena Del Rey is getting dread because she's kind of fat now. They took Kelly Clarkson

through the mill because she got kind of fat. It's like, why do you care? Just worry about your own body. You weren't going to fuck her either way. It's not like, oh shit. I can't flirt with her anymore. Whenever guys are like, you know, I wouldn't fuck Lizzo. I'm like, Lizzo wouldn't fuck you because you're poor.

Yeah. You can't afford one meal she eats. You couldn't afford to pay one dinner tab for her. It has nothing to do with her body. I didn't even mean that. It's because she goes to a nice restaurant. That is what I said, but I know how it came out.

I understand how that came out. Oh, boy. That's the one. That's the one. That's what happens with Aries Spears. Tiffany Haddish went after Lizzo. No, Aries Spears went after Lizzo. Oh, okay.

And then he's a pedophile. Yeah. And then you don't know about this? No. Okay. So I'll do the summary because I had to change all my bios because they say I was in the movie Here Today with Tiffany Haddish. Oh, wow.

Well, I saw that Tiffany Haddish apologized for something, but I didn't understand why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like grooming, kind of. So basically, well, so Aries Spears was getting a lot of flack and he's like someone who like

has said shit for a while. Yeah, yeah. And he was like insulting Lizzo and calling himself handsome and it was like people just dragged him and he deserved it. And then like two weeks later,

like so close, basically there's a lawsuit against the allegedly, allegedly, don't count on me for the facts, there's a lawsuit against Tiffany Haddish and Aries Spears

that they were filming a sketch that they posted on Funny or Die and Funny or Die had to clarify that this was where you can upload videos to Funny or Die. Anyone could upload. They didn't produce it. And it was called Through the Eyes of a Pedo.

Which already, uh oh. Not bad. And Tiffany Haddish's comedian friend had a kid and a daughter. Yeah. And this one was more about the son. He's like seven years old. Dropped them off to be part of a sketch.

And the sketch was Tiffany Haddish was dropping off the kid to be babysat by Aries Spears, who pedophile. And the kid was in his underwear. And Aries Spears is leering at him and has a newspaper with eye holes cut out and they're like zooming in on the kid's crotch and stuff like that and then and then apparently

there's some moment where like he's rubbing baby oil on the kid and like it's just I didn't know that and the

yeah it's all in the article like just the description itself is is you know what the thing I was gonna do when Russell Daniels my co-host normally I like to throw him under the bus. I was going to say, hey, I want to say congrats to you for writing that sketch.

They're getting in trouble for this sketch. There was more to it. There was a lawsuit where the kid traumatized. He felt weird about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was not a fan of it. And the mom didn't know that's what the sketch was. Oh, no.

They were told it was just like. It didn't get a good rating on Funny or Die. Yeah, it didn't even go viral. It didn't even go viral. And so. The kid didn't know that's what the sketch was. They were told it was just like... It didn't get a good rating on Funny or Die. Yeah, it didn't even go viral. It didn't even go viral. And so... The kid didn't know. The mom didn't know. They knew it was like filming something.

They didn't tell her what it was. Oh, my God. And Tiffany had this like... I mean, there could not be a more generic apology in the entire world. I posted it. Tiffany Haddish said on her thing, I know people have a bunch of questions.

I get it. I'm right there with you, which is very funny. Like, who approved of this sketch that I was in? Unfortunately, because there is an ongoing legal case, there's very little that I can say right now, which could be fair. But clearly, while the sketch was intended to be comedic, it wasn't funny at all. This is my favorite line. And I deeply regret having agreed to act in it. Now, this whole thing makes it sound like she was helping out with the call sheets as well.

And maybe the catering and the crafty and the wardrobe. She wrote the whole thing, I think. But it's just the wording of act in it is so obvious. To me, it's so obvious. She's trying to distance herself. I really look forward to being able to share a lot more about the situation as soon as I can. Lizzo is beautiful. And it was, no, she, but I'm saying like, it is very clearly like,

this is going to be the pivoted onto Aries Spears move. Oh, yeah. But they're both on video, baby. That's the, that's. And she's the one who hooked the kids up to be in it. She was like their godmother kind of thing. She was the Jeffrey Epps. She was the Ghislaine Maxwell of the situation.

Yeah, kind of. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. Yeah, yeah. Not good. Tiffany Haddish looks great for her age, by the way. But let's see in 10 years. She's smearing...

Now that this is... She's smearing little kid' sweat over her skin. It keeps it looking good. That's the secret. That's the secret. All right, let's move on to our final segment. You better count your blessings. Okay.

You better count your blessing. Douglas, what do you got for us? You got something good happen to you? You could do the same one you did with more detail. You could do a little more detail. We did it on the other one pretty quick. Sure, sure. Well, I'm just getting out into the woods in a cabin and being on a lake.

Oh, my God. I got to spend some time with some friends and, and Jamarco wasn't there. It was great. It was funny. Cause like we're, we're kind of in a friend group and like we do a lot of things together. And then once in a while you hang out with one of the friends and not the other.

And there's always a weird thing of like, do you tell each other, is it going to hurt feelings? Yeah. We're both sensitive boys. Yeah. I think we're both very sensitive boys and it was funny

because I think I reached out to you I asked about something and you were like oh no I'm I'm gonna be upstate like doing and I was like oh doing what

and you're like outdoor stuff and it was with it was with Russell my co-host and Russell had already told me about it

I had just forgotten but it was very funny you phrased it to me in a vague way that to me was very clearly like, oh, I'm not going to say it's like with Russell alone.

I think it was intentional. I wasn't intentional. I promise. I promise. I promise. Outdoor stuff is very vague. Outdoor stuff. Even though I couldn't do it, it hurt my feelings. No, no, no. You said, what's up state? That's what you said what's up say it and i said the outdoors because because that's i i really mean that that's you're true

that's true that's what i was excited about the out of doors um because you know we we live you know very i love getting out to the woods is one of the greatest things in the world and he had a paddleboard and i've never done that before oh yeah And it was so much fun Yeah God it was amazing Oh you stood on it? Yeah yeah yeah Stand up paddle boarding It's one of those things Where like it's not that hard

But it's hard enough Where you're like Look what I did Look what I did It totally is You're absolutely right You're absolutely right You try to stand on one leg on there

That's what I would always try to do Oh really? Yeah it's kind of fun Do some yoga on it Yeah yeah I'm not good at it But it was kind of fun Yeah wow

That's impressive And say the thing about Russell Because people People What is Russell? Russell is a Yeah, I'm not good at it, but it was kind of fun. Yeah, wow. That's impressive. And say the thing about Russell, because people, what is Russell? Russell has a habit. Oh, yeah. So Russell, kind of wherever he goes, he brings laser lights and a smoke machine and amazing lights. It's a mental disorder, for sure. It puts on an incredible dance party.

We had a dance party in this cabin. For how many people? Four. No, six people. That's amazing. Weird, but I kind of like it. No, no, no. Six people.

It's a skill where he just brings it everywhere. Disco balls, and it's beautiful, and it's artistic, and it's amazing. Wow, does he add new little foibles every time? Yeah, yeah, he gets into new gear, new stuff, and he also plays amazing, fun music, and we just danced. That's fun. It was awesome. I think he just never liked going to dance clubs.

Because they play terrible music, and it's expensive and loud. And loves dancing. And so him and his wife, apparently, they do it all the time. That's fun. They're constantly dancing at their own house with a smoke machine. I really like that. Because when you smoke, you can see the lasers and all that stuff. Yeah, yeah. It's really fun.

Dang, that's fun. It was a good time. I'm into that. Russell, if you're listening, I'd love to go next time. My blessing, there's a screenwriter named Matt Hirshhorn who has a movie called Wine Club

that he will soon be in festivals and he basically he's just someone I met through Tova and I just needed someone I just need to talk through writing a script or a screenplay

and I'm like very stuck all I want to do is stand up it's all I want to do and it's like to do anything else feels like fucking torture but he's just we just meet

and he like lets me talk out ideas and like I think says things from a different perspective that makes me excited about it and then I get

all these ideas and then I don't do anything with them but for him to take the time that's really nice means a lot to me and you know I have deep respect for the craft so much so that I'm like I can't yeah because

we just want to get to the joke and they're like no you have to have characters not having a reward for your work immediately oh yeah right yeah the thought of writing a book I mean oh my god nightmare yeah yeah but uh I'd rather write a book than a screenplay I'm sure I yeah I'd rather I'd like to write a book than a screenplay. Sure. I'd like to write a book one day. What is it going to be about? Some history shit. Another World War II book.

Is that your favorite part of history? I'm obsessed with World War II. It's so awesome. Why? Just because it was the whole crew? It was just so much going on. It's so big. You can't even imagine how many millions and millions and millions of people were involved it's just i mean like 80 million people died like that's an insane number it's actually probably more than that if you include other stuff you're like 100 million that's just it boggles the mind yes 100 million people mostly men

they don't give us credit they don't give us credit ladies Right into the camera. They don't give us credit, ladies. What would that mean to give us credit to the ones that are alive? Yeah. Hey, I know. We've been through a lot. We're processing it still. Do you have a blessing? My blessing.

I think the thing in life that I'm most thankful for is Wikipedia. I think Wikipedia is the greatest thing. I think it's amazing that we have all, not all, but an incredible amount of the things that have happened in human history. You can just look it up whenever you want. I love Wikipedia. I read it every day. I think it's great. How do you go about reading Wikipedia? Well, they have

the On This Day. I get my news from Wikipedia. If it's not on this day, it's not important in my opinion. That's how I filter out the news pretty much. Wow. So on this day, but it's like things that happened way in the past? No, no, no.

Oh, no. Well, there's on this day and then there's, I said it wrong. Then there's just like today, there'd be like events. Really? Every day there's like one news story. Because that's why I think the problem with the news is that there's so many stories that don't matter. So there's just really like one story a day that matters. It's a story written out like a Wikipedia entry.

Yeah, but it's very accurate. Wikipedia is very accurate for news and stuff like that. It's great. It's an incredible experiment that worked. I don't know. There's so many ways that it should have failed. It's incredibly accurate. They've done studies.

How has it not been overtaken by trolls? It is sometimes, but they have people who look into it and take it down. Yeah, people do those things. There'll be one day where it's like,

don't go on James Spader's page. Everyone said he's a gay goat or whatever because some incels went there or whatever. But they always correct it. I rarely am misled by it. I think Wikipedia is amazing.

I feel that way about YouTube. I feel like it's such an incredible collection of videos. It's just an incredible collection. It's insane how many videos there are. It's insane. I mean, how many trillions of hours. I feel similarly. Every day I wake up and see what Jordan

Peterson has to say. Yeah, I love him. And I go, that's it. That is why I don't like women. That's really accurate. It's incredibly accurate. Very smart to know what don't like women. That's really accurate. Yeah. Always. It's incredibly accurate. Very smart. What he says about women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

You get a lot of your info from YouTube? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get all my Jordan Peterson news from YouTube. What's your YouTube searches like? Is it... Oh, I like to... It's usually about learning about things. So I'm really into watches.

I fix watches. Oh, nice. I've made watches. You can learn any niche you want. Anything. Except for QAnon after they censored us. No longer. But also, it's like you want to watch Aretha Franklin perform.

It's there. It's all there. It's such an amazing chronicle of all the art. It's like visual Wikipedia yeah it's great it's great so this episode is coming out September 20th is there anything you want to plug

if you're in LA right now go to Dynasty Typewriter at 730 to see Uncle Function John Marco and I and Russell will be in there and it's going to be a great fucking show. Oh, that's going to be fun. That's a cool venue.

We got Willie Mack opening for the show. We got Caleb Huron doing a guest spot. Oh, he's so funny. So, you saw that Comedy Central set? Yeah, he's great.

Did it make you want to kill yourself? Yeah, he's too funny. God damn it. He doesn't do Stan Neely as often as we do and he's a natural.

Great. I didn't watch it. I gotta watch it it He's funny Also see Uncle Function September 21st Tomorrow I will be headlining the Hollywood Improv There we go And that's going to be a very good time

October 2nd Sesh Comedy Club It's the silver lining We have had a lot of podcast listeners coming out to the show. So much so I got to like, it's one of those things where I can't do the material. It's got to be all new or just storytelling time. That's a good challenge. It's pretty awful where, listen, I post so much online.

I know a couple people in shows will know a joke or two here or there. But when I look at half the room and I'm like, oh, half of you definitely know this joke. That makes me horrible. And they're just like looking down like, oh, he's doing this one. They're very supportive. Someone in the crowd even said, they called themselves a Debbie Sider.

I said, it's Debbie Downsiders is what you're called. You're called Debbie Downsiders. So come to that. Listen, this Hollywood Improv one, you got to come to that. That's I get this Hollywood Improv one. You got to come to that. That's September 21st. And then October 2nd, it's 8 p.m.

at Sesh Comedy Club. It could have sold out. If not, we have like six more shows at Sesh Comedy Club. They're only $10 tickets. See me do an hour and then two other comedians

do time in between. That rocks. Anything that you want to plug? I think that what day is September 20th? What day is it? So this is coming out September 20th. Is that what day of the week? Oh, Tuesday.

The Tuesday. So whatever that weekend is. Uncle Function is headlining on a Tuesday night. Goddamn right. That Friday and Saturday. I think it's the 23rd and 24th if my math is correct. I'm headlining the Dallas Comedy Club. Never been there.

Hurts great. Hell yeah. It's supposed to be a good time. Four shows. I think the Dallas Comedy Club is the one that after JFL, they came up to me, gave me a card, we want you to perform here, and then my agent reached out and they did not get back.

So have a great time there. I wish you the best. Hope it burns down. And again, if you're a fan of this and you want to hear more, if you join the Patreon, it's patreon.com slash downside. You get ad-free episodes, old bonus episodes, just me and Russell, and you get the new AMP episodes

the show we do with Amazon Tuesdays 4-5pm EST you can listen on the AMP app or just join the Patreon even if you don't want to listen to the extra episodes that's a good way

to support the podcast until we have ads it's just $5 a month and real quick how much money have you donated to Wikipedia? Zero money I've donated every year

like $3 or $4 $3 Wow That's what they say I'm the asshole Do not deserve it donated to Wikipedia? Zero money. Zero. How much? I've donated every year like three or four dollars. Three dollars. Wow. That's what they say. I'm the asshole. Do not deserve it. This is the downside. One, two, three.

Downside. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. Someone paid me 50 bucks for a picture of my feet I don't have good feet but how do you know what's good or not

I don't know I don't think it's it's not about it's about whose feet it's not about the feet you don't think so you don't think it's like oh this person's got really flat toes you can hold it yeah

yeah