The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #108 Your Girlfriend is Bored with Danny Jolles

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

Danny Jolles shares the downsides of your grandfather having to get his war tattoos removed so he can be buried in a Jewish cemetery, having friends whose parents may or may not have been working for the CIA, worrying that every white van is hiding the DC sniper, self-tapes with significant others, and getting roasted by a drag queen.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Listen to our live weekly show on AMP, every Tuesday at 4 PM ET. Follow Danny Jolles on Instagram & TikTok Watch Danny Jolles' new special here Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, and yeah, we try to, I don't think I need to tell you, but we focus on, you know, be negative, feel free to complain, kvetch, and we'll talk about sort of some stuff in the beginning, but we've had, this is our fourth podcast in a row in the last two days. Oh no, so you guys are out of stuff. Not much has happened since I last talked to you. I was like sitting at home and I was like, okay, there's cars honking outside, what can we do? What can we talk about? I was like, literally, because we talked last night at like five, and i was like this i was like okay there's cars honking outside what can we do what can we talk about like i was like literally because we talked last night like five i was like

nothing i don't know people there's some people who have so many podcasts and yeah it's that point like oh i was going downstairs yesterday one of my neighbors has this dog just barks yeah yep yep yep uh but we talked about yesterday uh Well, we didn't talk, but we kind of did. But it is crazy to me when people have a podcast alone like that. Oh, yeah. Just like. We did this amp. We have this amp. We're recording every Tuesday, 4 to 5 p.m. EST on the amp app.

Yeah. And Russell's phone went crazy. It dropped out. So John Markle was alone for three minutes, right? Yeah, we had a guest and we talked about a sperm bank and I felt like we really reached its conclusion.

Yeah. The climax. And so I was like, oh, I'll just talk to Russell for the last 15 minutes. I let the guest go and then Russell was gone and I'm there on the phone alone.

You know, especially when you feel like anxiety alone and there's three people listening. Yeah. For sure. but I'm like oh so I couldn't think

of anything I just went blank but you have to keep going you have to keep going it feels like that's like early college gigs when like five people show up and you're like

they're like you don't have to do this and you're like unfortunately I genuinely do have to do this yeah but that's the feeling and I have it on stage

where if it's a tough crowd or whatever I suddenly go like I can't think of any more material and i know i have it but that feeling is uh debilitating yeah because your body's saying get a what get off stop you know what i mean obviously this is bad and on top of that you're like you're going through material being like am i just going to sacrifice this one? What am I going to sacrifice next to just the death of this room? You're just throwing. Let me do this joke that I know won't work because I did.

I remember one college gig. It was like very early in my college. And I'd always done very well at colleges. I like very early figured that out. And then there's one I like came out, did my usual opening. That always works at colleges. Didn't work. I was like, that's weird.

So I did another one. Didn't work. And I was like, that's weird. So I did another one. Didn't work. Another one didn't work. And finally I was like, all right, I got to do something crazy. And I took my closer and I put it right there. And I was like, let's just get them on board. We'll figure out the ending later. Let's just get them in.

And it bombed. And I remember just standing there being like, nope, nothing. That's it. It's over. That was my best joke, 100%. Because that's what you do when you start bombing. You're like, well, nothing. That's it. It's over. That was my best joke. 100%. Because that's what you do when you start bombing. You're like, okay, just the hits.

Just the hits. And none of the soft stuff after the hit. Just the hit. And then you burn, burn. Yes. Until you get them on board. And then we'll deal with what comes next when we're there. But let's just get them into the show.

That was a dark bomb. So, yeah. So, that feeling of that was my, one of my top punchlines is gone. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, by the way, if you want these headphones, you can. You don't have to.

You're fine. Your voice sounds good. I trust that that's how my voice sounds. Yeah. Let me, I want it so, so we've had, we've had, it's a bit of a chaos. This is coming out later, but we just recorded an extra episode with Tova, my girlfriend. You know Tova. I know Tova very well.

I know Ariel. I know Tova longer than you know Tova. I know. And it feels like between Tova and Ariel, this has become a little bit too Jewish of a podcast. So I thought we would take a nice break today with my guest, stand-up comedian, actor, writer, podcaster, Danny Chalas. Hello. I'm also Jewish. I'm sorry to report.

This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. It's a problem with having just three music players. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. When I hit it, I was like, right, that's why I offer the headphones.

That's why. So they can know that I hit the music. When the sound cues come in. I'm sure it's a great song, and I feel bad that I didn't hear it. Oh, that's okay. We'll play it again at the end. We'll give you a heads up. Let me know, because I'll put him on. I want to hear this song.

Who made your theme song? Douglas Goodheart. Douglas Goodheart. Second, second, not second banana, but when you're out, Douglas fills in. Yeah. He's on our sketch team. He's going to love it. You, not second banana, but when you're out, Douglas fills in. Yeah. It's on our sketch team. He's going to love it.

You call them second banana. No, I said not second banana. So we did decide yesterday though, we have a Patreon. And when we hit 50 Patreon subscribers, we were deciding what's it going to be? What's going to be the little reward?

And I'm going to get an uncle function tattoo. A tattoo of my sketch team, which I've wanted. He's talked about it for years. That's a big one. Yeah. But I know if I want to get anything done in my personal life, I need to tie it to my artistic life. And that's what we're doing.

And you will be there for it. I'm not getting one, but I'll be there for it. Yeah. Do you have any tattoos? No. Because you want to be buried in the Jewish fucking bullshit. You know, that's not true. That whole thing is bullshit.

What do you mean? So my grandpa stormed the beach on Normandy. So before that, because they were like, you're going to die. Literally, he was a grunt, which was the first wave. He was wave number one. And they literally were like, we're going to put 50 extra pounds on your back. Your goal is get as far up on the beach as you can so that when they shoot you, your supplies can be grabbed by other people. That was his job.

Wait. They were that transparent of like, did they say bye? Yeah. That is my. Yeah. Did they say, well, take care of your family? What did they offer him to do this horrible task? You're in the army.

That's what they do. And you believe in it. When you're in the army and it's to a credit to these men, they are like, that's what you do for your country. So he thought it was a suicide mission 100 so he was he was like all right so he got tons of tattoos when he was there because he was like i'm gonna die there and no one's it doesn't matter holy shit and then what kind of tattoos was he getting like what do you get i mean just cool ones i think just like lions lions and shit i don't know He's a cool dude. He's a great guy. He's a cool dude. He's a cool dude. And so, yeah, he got all that stuff and then survived.

He just didn't die. His boat got hit on the way in by a mine, killing like half the people on there. But they took out a rudder, so they spun. And so he didn't hit the beach until like wave seven or eight, is still impossible odds But he had a chance and he lived this is the scene of saving Right. Yeah, basically seems right. Wow. They lived it and then so then he And he is and he always said save Brian was the most accurate was like his thing He was like say Brian's the only accurate D-Day movie. Although I think right before he died was name of that movie that came out like that was like his thing. He was like, Save Brian Ryan is the only accurate D-Day movie. Although I think right before he died, what's the name of that movie

that came out that was like, it was like all one shot. What was that? Yeah, maybe that. He really liked that. That was World War I. What was it?

There was one of them that- There was a crazy long scene. I mean, that movie, fuck. Remember the one, he's in a stream and he accidentally puts his hand in a corpse? There was a movie

right before he died that I remember he was like that was pretty good that one actually kind of captured it either way so he lives

he survives and then but he has tattoos now and so like his whole life he was like what am I going to do about the Jewish cemetery

now he's with my grandma he's got kids like he's living now a full life and at the end you know he was like really concerned and this rabbi was like

you'll be buried in a Jewish cemetery it's not a big deal and they were like really and they were like yeah yeah we'll just remove the tattoos when you was like, you'll be buried in Jewish cemetery. It's not a big deal. And they were like, really? And they were like, yeah, yeah, we'll just remove the tattoos when you die,

and then you'll be buried. And he was like, great. Who gives a shit? That's how they do it. So you can get tattoos all you want. But now let's get into the nitty gritty. What do you mean remove the tattoos? Who cares? He's not alive. It's not ripping it from his alive body. But is the rabbi going in there

with the same knife from the circumcision? Somebody, who cares? Who cares? I think so, but it doesn't matter. Who cares? Okay, because. Who cares? I agree.

The second he, literally, he was like, done. Done deal then. What do you, you need a precious, perfect body? Dead body? What do you. No, I'm just saying like, okay, it's your, it's your loved one who's died. Well, I'm burning them. So is that better? Is that better that I'm just saying like, okay, it's your loved one who's died. Well, I'm burning them. So is that better?

Is that better that I'm going to burn them? So they're in the room. They die. And then the rabbi goes, all right, let's get ready for the funeral. And he takes out a samurai sword. They take out all the stuff anyways. They take out the organs. They take out everything.

Yeah, yeah. They take out a ton of stuff. Also, they don't have to do this in front of the family. So this is done behind closed doors. So this is done. They don't usually call the family. Do you want to do it? In the Jewish tradition, you do the first slice.

I just wonder, do you think they actually did it? Or do you think they said, we'll take it off. Quick, put it in the box. That's my guess. That's my guess is everyone goes whatever fine if if they but that's how they do it but you know why that's the thing the tattoo thing i think it's about the purity of the skin it's something like that i'm such a bad you i was really into it as a kid do they make an exception this is fucked up do they make an exception for

yes the tattoo of the holocaust yes yes yes that's a built-in exception yeah now when you say built-in i mean someone must have made an amendment an addendum yes that but that was an addendum that's been like very specifically made i mean we talked about this with tova but i was i'm just always confused about like what's with catholics you got the pope ultimately who says the thing yeah and he apparently can go like gays can go to heaven now and everyone goes okay i guess that's the official word. Yeah, yeah. He's allowed to be like a, guys, the other night God told me. Yeah.

And everyone's like, oh. Same with Mormons. God came in. But with Jews, it feels like there's councils here, councils there. And I'm like, who gets to, you know, does it just become more and more fractured, all these different rules? Yes. I think that's the answer. The answer is going to be it's become more and more fractured.

I think there's like scholars that are particularly respected, but there is no new word from God. We don't get that. We have no new word. We haven't had a new word from God in quite some time. But if there's no new word, then it's just, oh, we trust the rabbis to amend. Obviously, the tattoo from the Holocaust should clearly. But who gets to say? The rabbi says, well, God would understand. So I think it's already. Oh, yeah.

I think that it's. But it's also like that's one of those things that like you look at the actual scripture and it's like, what are we doing here? Like this is so. But that's what I feel about a lot of things, though. I mean, sure, sure, sure. But that rabbit hole. But there's a lot of reform.

Judaism is great because reform Judaism doesn't have any is pretty good around all around. Like I'm pretty as like, we're pretty good on most social issues. I feel pretty good. So I'm like, yeah, sure. We handle everything. We got it down. We got it down to an art form.

The book is very unspecific. You got to remember that. It just takes one person being like, you have to be pure when you get buried to be like, mean clean and it's like all right man clean and we're on and we move on from the tattoo yeah yeah done you may i mean you're making it sound and then i'm gonna go see a hasidic jew and be like this is not loose at all what are you talking about but that's the but that's so then you go into orthodox and it's like then you're then you're dealing with that sure um you grew up in virginia and i i my my because i'm i'm maryland we've talked about yes we have uh my my opening question with anyone in my area is uh do you remember the dc sniper oh do i what a time what a time what a time yes i remember and i was in

new york and but i remember it yeah you do the zigzag walk they taught us in school to do a zigzag walk to the bus but what's the zigzags how quick were you doing he on highways though or like wasn't he shooting on highways or was he shooting other places he was shooting randomly he was shooting randomly and oh maybe i'm thinking of a different thing then i think i was thinking of that sniper in the highways that was but maybe he did that too no he was he was it two people it was two there's only been a couple shooting incidents in america so let me just this was the older duo yeah older dude younger kid yes yeah okay and they were okay okay so they told you zigzags yes so we were so it's like you know the first four happened

and then it was like people were like oh there's like, you know, the first four happened and then it was like, people were like, oh, there's like a real problem. We got this guy. We don't know what it is. Remember it was a white van. White van.

They told us white van. So they said, be on the lookout for a white van. And you might not notice unless you're looking for it. A lot of white vans out there. And I'll tell you a lot,

one thing about white vans, usually parked. Yeah. Never seen a white van moving. So everywhere you go, you go you're like well that white van is just parked and that's the whole they knew very early like they're shooting people out of a car van they thought yeah shooting them out of a car so it was like everywhere i'd go i remember like i remember one morning because my parents my parents are chill you know they were pretty like

we're gonna trust we'll trust that you're gonna okay. So I had to walk like maybe a quarter mile to my bus stop. And zigzagging, that's like three miles. Yeah, and it took a while. But like I would stand out there, and I remember at one point there was like a white van kind of like within eye distance. And I literally like I remember being like kind of behind like a little brick thing. I'm just going to kind of like chill back here until the bus came yeah insane the the only detailed shooting i remember was there was like a woman at a gas station she was reading a book and they just shot her in the head like that's that to give you an example of like how random it felt it was very random that was the whole thing

was that it was extremely random it was was happening very consistently, very consistent. And so everybody was like so scared. And then it was I remember they canceled football games. Well, I was and I changed it in the bit, but I was doing soccer and it was part of the regular curriculum. And I was about to get like a C. I had good grades, and soccer I was about to see or fail out, and the school didn't know what to do because I was so lazy. You got a grade for soccer?

It was gym. It was PE. Like that semester you had to pick one of these things, and it was soccer. And when the ball was on the other side of the field, I would sit down. I would sit down in the grass and i i was like they were talking to my parents and they were like you know he can't just do this badly yeah it's one of those things where the school's like well we can't hold a kid back for this that would be stupid but like could he stand yeah and then the dc sniper. Whole soccer season got canceled.

No outdoor gym. Everything got shut down. It was a problem. I remember it lasting. I'm sure when we look online, it lasted two weeks. I remember it lasting months. They couldn't catch these two. It was so wild.

I'm surprised there hasn't been a Netflix thing on it. I feel like there will be there will be yeah i think like what would make it interesting would be like focus on the relationship between the guy they weren't father son they were no it was this this insane dude and then this like young kid who he basically brainwashed oh my god and it was like that's the interesting story because i think that kid is like tried to get himself out or, like, kind of plead like I didn't know what I was doing. He would be the best guest. If we could have guests from prison, we could open up this podcast, like, in a crazy way. I mean, you're going to get some listens if you can pull that one off. Yeah, for sure.

You're going to get some listens. If we get the decent sniper kid. I'll be scared touring, I'll tell you that. But, yeah, what high school did you go to were you in high school how old were you when it was happening I was in 8th grade

so I was still in middle school 7th or 8th grade I'm 23 so I went to Norwood Day School for a second

I bought that and I was like wait that can't be right how fucking awesome would that be if I was 23 if I wasn't the oldest

JFL new faces how cool would that be so I was 23 uh if i wasn't the oldest jfl new faces how cool would that be so i went to norwood school in middle school uh-huh very uh boring private school but pretty but still good i went to cooper middle school cooper middle school and then i went to georgetown day school which was in dc oh you went to like fancy places yeah you're smart i don't i don't think that's... I was fine. I think it's tied to it, isn't it? Don't you have to test into those places and stuff?

Yeah, but I'm not smart. I'm fine. Seems like you're smart. I'm fine. You're a pretty smart guy. You're not bad here. My memory is terrible. There's something in...

There's some part, but there's other parts. I almost fell out of soccer because I couldn't stand up. But that's set, not smart. There's a stupid in there somewhere. No. There's fell out of soccer because I couldn't stand up. But that's a kind of stupid. That's not smart. There's a stupid in there somewhere. No. There's some kind of deep stupidity. No, no, no.

There's laziness. That's just laziness. Deep laziness. That's laziness. No, no, no. You are very smart and I went to Langley High School which is right next to C.I.A.

I've heard of Langley for sure. Oh yeah, right next to C.I.A. So that's like, so we would, we had also everything that would happen involved like an extra element with the sniper. There was also the extra element of like the CIA. So that's like, so we would, we had also everything that would happen involved like an extra element with the sniper.

There was also the extra element of like the CIA is near us. We're less than, less than half, less than a mile for sure. I don't want to say like half a mile away from the CIA building.

So it was like. Wow. I have questions about the CIA. Yes. Do you, like growing up around it, did you, because people,

like people don't know what their parents do. Like, did you know that people, that their parents worked for the CIA but couldn't talk about what they did? So there were rumors. There would be rumors of certain kids who you'd be like, I think their dad works for the CIA. Okay, but you didn't, it wasn't official. And then some would be official. Oh, yeah. But they had a job that they could say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even those people, it's pretty quiet. They keep it down. But there were a couple kids who clearly just like the parents were like, whatever. Yeah, okay. But then there was, there's like a couple kids who, particularly in recent years, have been like, now that their parents retire, they're like, my dad was actually CNA. And I'm like, oh, wow. They're allowed to tell their kids'm like oh wow yeah they're allowed

to tell their kids is that the you're gonna tell your kids because it's too uh are you gonna tell if someone in your your eight-year-old kid hey i would be nervous do not tell your friends yes i don't know i mean it's a great question probably later on when they're older but like when they're young i would be so nervous sure even when they're older i would tell like i'm gonna tell you know the first person touches my dick, I'm going to tell them. I think at a certain point you're working construction. Like the one kid who like, I know his parents now were that, like his dad worked construction, but he'd be gone for months.

And that I imagine as a kid would get a little suspicious. At a certain age, you would be like, sorry, what? I've never visited you at work. Like, I think at a certain point you're gonna have to like you're gonna have questions from your kid that like i think it's just built in like you gotta tell your kid at least something i'm sure they don't tell them the full extent but just like i do work for the cia it's a secret this is our family secret you know they're not gonna tell them government secrets they don't need to know everything they

know i have i've shared every family secret of mine on this podcast. Wasn't it the head of CIA, the last one who got fired and he was sleeping with someone and he told her the secrets? Wow, that's crazy. I'm just saying no one can keep secrets. Might not be right. This is why my biggest challenge of conspiracy theories, I'm like, people can't keep the secret. Human beings can't keep a secret this big. Are you out of your mind? That's a big

as somebody who talks about conspiracy theories quite a bit it's one of my biggest questions with a conspiracy theory how many people are going to have to keep this secret because if it's more than 10 it's going to be tough

you know how they say Lindsey Graham, they say he has a lot of sex workers, a lot of male sex workers in D.C. There's just a part of me that's like, and there's a thing on Twitter like, we're all about to come forward with ba-ba-ba. I know they're always about to come forward.

We're always a day away from the big reveal. Especially I think about it because I guess you hear it a lot with men who are closeted. Tom Cruise, Lindsey Graham. And I'm like, no one got a picture. Really? This is true? No one?

No one. And maybe, maybe. I mean, you know, Kevin Spacey. It's like there was a long time. Nothing came out. But there were rumors. There were rumors. There were always rumors.

There was a long time. Nothing came out. But there were rumors. There were rumors. There were always rumors. I was not on a film set. The second you moved to LA, you were told like, it was never about kids. It was more just like, Kevin Spacey will hit on you. He's lecherous.

He's lecherous. Yes. That's a good word. The Ellen DeGeneres thing was one where someone said something like, when you land in LA, when you get to LA, it was like some like, LA people know this. this people are going to say this and they're going to tell you an ellen story and i was like oh my god that is true and one of them's like like i had a friend who personally went through the kevin spacey experience like and it was like not in like a crazy way but just like met him got a text love to meet up. Kind of was just in his life.

Didn't actually have anything, but just was like there. And it was like... I almost did... You know that. I almost did that. It was the Masterclass series. I was cast in the Masterclass series for Kevin Spacey. Really? But I booked a big commercial campaign, and I couldn't do it.

Yeah. What big commercial campaign did you do? General Electric. Wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm big in commercials. That's one of my biggest do it. Yeah. What big commercial campaign did you do? General Electric. Wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm big in commercials. That's one of my biggest money makers. Sure.

I still to this day. My commercial career like fucking disappeared. And I don't know why. Because you, because, I'll tell you why. Because commercial agents wrap 7,000 people, I'm going to say, give or take. Sure. But there was a time where like. So you stay in, they have tiers.

Yeah. And sometimes you're in their top tier, and then like, I know for me, I used to book, I used to go in for commercials, felt like daily. Like I was top tier. And then when Crazy Ex started and got really serious, I was like, I can't do auditions. Like it's just too hard.

I can't go to Santa Monica for an audition. I'm on set every other day, and I just got kicked down. And then it's like things, particularly nowadays, where I'm like, I got downtime. I'm still battling my way back. And now I'm probably tier two. I go in for a decent amount, but I'm like, I remember those tier one days.

Tier one days were good. Oh, my God. It was great. Let me, I have, I feel like there's some big celebrities, basically there used to be a time we're doing commercials at a certain, you're at a certain

level. It was like, you're selling out, you shouldn't be doing this commercial. And I feel like that has fucking vanished. That's gone. Where the biggest names are doing fucking Amazon or Uber. And I'm like, listen, maybe I'm hypocritical for believing this, but I do think there's a difference between like, okay, I'm going to do a show on Amazon.

It's the platform where the biggest artistic things exist. And then doing a commercial for Amazon or doing an amp show for Amazon that's in the first good tier but the second tier I'm just saying there's a degree of like when I see

Lil Nas X do an Uber Eats commercial it's one of the most it's the end of the world and I'm just like you don't need this money you don't need it why?

we should go back to this being shamed because Uber's problematic these giant companies are problematic. You don't need their money. Don't do it. It tarnishes your brand. It's a cash grab.

There should be shame. We need to bring back shame. But that's why preaching to the choir, I mean, let's talk about the, I mean, god-awful podcast, god-awful things being posted online. I mean, like, we go down the list. Like, shame in general. Everybody needs to be reminded that these things we put out exist yes always and like oh some of these celebrities doing commercials where i'm like what are we doing what is this yeah like you you're allowed to be an artist and you're allowed to not you're allowed to make two million dollars a year as an artist

and be pretty happy yeah you're allowed to do that you don't have to and i understand that obviously if if put in front of me it would be very hard for me to actually say no yeah and i know that about myself but i think i would be like genuinely i would be like i'll do a draft kings commercial i'll do i'll do products i like uh and i believe in i i'm a big i'm wearing a don't tell comedy hat because i believe in the company and like I do it. So I'm like, I'll rep them all day. I just think like sitting up there being like, I'm going to do an Amazon commercial. Yeah. Doesn't. It's like that's just can't feel good.

Yeah. For what gain? For what gain? But doesn't it feel like that for me, that's why it feels like the end of the world because it feels like there was shame around it and then it's not now and it seems so desperate that I'm like, why are those people so desperate for like. That's a good point. For money. Like it feels like there was shame around it and it's not now and it seems so desperate that I'm like, why are those people so desperate for money? That's a good point. It feels like it's all ending.

Streaming's not going well. No one's watching cable. What's going to happen? It's all going to explode. Or there's just this degree of like, oh, I'm getting all the money I can because yes, I'm Lil Nas X. Yes, I'm rich, but I need to build a spaceship for when this planet explodes.

Yes, that's what it feels like. And I need a billion dollars. I'm rich, but I need a billion dollars to survive what is about to happen to this planet. That is definitely a concern. I also think, like, and I've listened to athletes talk about this a lot, but they're like, that million dollars, right? Like, why do you need another million? It's like, well, because I million dollars, right? Like, why do you need another million?

It's like, well, because I can get my entire family through college. Yeah. They think of it like this. This dumb thing I'm doing. I'm building a, I'm building a, oh, what's the word? You dumb idiot. Family wealth. I'm building. Generational wealth.

Generational wealth. Thank you. Jesus Christ. You know, it's like you want to be good with words. Yeah, sure. You know? Yeah, they can in their heads be like, I do this one dumb fucking Amazon thing for a day and a half,

and that sets up an entire kids for, you know, colleges that don't exist anymore either. But athletes have a better excuse because athletes only have. Yes, they have a limited time. They have a limited time. So it's like, I got to make it work. I got to make it count. Particularly like actors and comedians where I'm like, unless you got, but then it's like

funny because it's like there's certain people who I would see do things and I'm like, why are you doing that? All the time. And then like, you know, they get me too and it's like turns out they're horrible. But I'm like, well, that makes sense. You probably knew it was going to end. That is very funny. That is funny. That that's like if you'd like did the math. I'm like, well, that makes sense. You probably knew it was going to end. That is very funny. That is funny.

That's like if you did the math and you're like, oh, when people start selling out, there's something in their past and it comes out a couple years later. Rashida Jones, what did you do? I'm sure Kevin Spacey was like, I should have done that Staples campaign. Oh, I'm sure. Oh, my God. Every day it's like Kevin Spacey announced $4 I should have done that Staples campaign. Oh, I'm sure. Oh, my God. Every day, it's like Kevin Spacey

announced $4 million for the thing from 2006. I know. I don't know. It's crazy because you're like, where, does he have that money still?

Like, dude, I don't know. I don't know. I'm also curious, like, I don't know anything about movies. No, it was like $30 million,

I think. Oh, it's crazy. But he probably had a shitload of money. I'm sure he sold a lot of houses. But you're curious. And he still gets, I think. Oh, it's crazy. But he probably had a shitload of money. I'm sure he sold a lot of houses. But you're curious. And he still gets, I wonder how much in residuals he gets a year.

But it was, sure, sure. I'm sure there's all sorts of back. I mean, he got to the point where he was doing movies with back-end deals that I'm sure were pretty lucrative. Yeah, so I think he probably still pulls in not as much. The thing is, is when you're used to a certain way of living, it's very hard to go backwards. Yeah. So it's like if he's used to having millions come in a year and now he's having a hundred thousand dollars come in a year off of residuals. I also wonder what it's like.

Like, I wonder if, for example, you know, China has movies. If China has ever said to him, like, hey, make the anti-American propaganda film where you're the American bad guy, we'll give you $50 million. He'll do it in two seconds. Remember they did that Alibaba. There was an Alibaba. Alibaba is the Amazon in China.

And they did an event. Maybe Kevin Spacey did it. I think he did something. Also, Daniel Craig did something. It was one of these things where it was like a weird award show thing and they spoke maybe

for 30 seconds each and you're like, I bet they got so much money. I mean, that's what they did back in the day. I remember there was a commercial

with Robert De Niro and Leonardo DiCaprio at a casino directed by Martin Scorsese. In like another country so we wouldn't see it here. Yes. And that still remains to think.

That is true to this day. But that broke down with the advent of the internet. There was a time where you could do that and you might as well have done And that still remains to think. That is true to this day. But that broke down with the advent of the internet. There was a time where you could do that and you might as well have done it in a different fucking universe. Yeah.

That is true, but I still think now it's like, yes, I see all the time people are like, did you know Brad Pitt does like commercial, but it's like, who gives a shit?

I don't think we see, yes, you might find it online, but it's like, it's not going to get big. It's not going to go viral. Like as long as, like that's the only thing I would say. If I was repping these people, I'd be like, it's not going to get big. It's not going to go viral. Like as long as, like that's the only thing I would say.

If I was repping these people, I'd be like, here's what we're going to do. We're going to do it. We're going to make some money. And one thing we're going to do is just make sure it's okay. We don't need to have a great commercial here. We don't need to have it be good. Just make sure it's not atrocious. You really clicked into that Jewish agent character real fast.

I would be such a good agent. It breaks my i heart which part listen i think i think i'd be good at i can pitch other people when you remove the you know i have to pitch myself all day and you know inside i'm like you're lying uh-huh you can't write this movie you're stupid but if i'm pitching other people you should see me pitch Russell I could pitch Russell like I'm talking about you know

he's got a great laugh yeah yeah yeah that's good 90% of this podcast no it'd be embarrassing I wouldn't want to do it in front of him

it's too it's too sweet he'll be embarrassed I will I will I will leave and then I'll pause and I'll be like so now you do me i will leave and then and then i'll pause and i'll

be like so now you do me yeah you know god i'm not i i see i don't i know i would not be good at which part are you good at which part of you like because i'm with tova all day and like sometimes i'm like tova give me the phone yeah yeah give me the phone tova let me let me so one i think i'm very good at like i think i'm so so i think i would and i'd be curious how i do in today's I think I'm, so I think I would, and I'd be curious how I do in today's modern 2022 entertainment world

where there seem to be no rules and it can feel at times like nobody's really actually watching anything as much as they're just looking. It feels like a lot of accountants in Hollywood. I've said that a lot. It feels like a lot of accountants. A lot of people going,

what are the numbers? I don't need to watch it. What are the numbers? A lot of number talk these days, which I don't like. Yeah. So I think that I would be, but then there's a lot of things that went. So I think for me, the thing I could do is one spot talent. I can spot talent and I can spot work, which I think is the biggest thing that like, when I'm to me, when I look at like somebody who I'm like, Oh, they're going to great comic it's more like watch the watching the progression you start seeing progression from somebody consistently and it's like hop on that train right now there's been people I Taylor Tomlinson day day I met her I was like absolutely she just kept getting better and

better kept getting better well this what I was saying about Arielle Elias where we had this thing I said like the like there was a moment of almost like if i was her rep where this incident happened saturday night on the drive home we talked like oh this would be a good tape uh and she said okay i'm gonna have it monday morning and then sunday morning i woke up and she was like hey i'd made it here it is and i'm like yes exactly you made it you knew you knew now was the time and and you did it, and fucking look. And, like, that's the part that, especially when I was, before I was, like, super successful back in the day. Good. Let's get a laugh so everyone understands that I'm joking.

Jesus. But, like, back in the day, you would. It did feel real, right? It did feel real. It did feel real. It felt real. You would go to workshops. It felt real.

It's real. You didn't do a wink or, like or give us any indication that you were joking. That's what I do. And when I smiled, I felt bad. It was a genuine smile because I was like, we can't possibly be saying that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As confidently, even if you were extremely successful, which you are, we can't say it that confidently. And as his dear, dear friend, I even waited for him to react because I was like,

whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm going to talk to you later about this, but this is crazy. I would do all these casting director workshops and you'd have these fucking casting directors.

Oh, the pay to play. The pay to play. One and one and one and one. Listen, that's how I started my career. But they would walk in and they'd be like, guys?

They walk into a room of people like me with nothing and go, guys, you got to show up to auditions on time. And you'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? If I got a single audition, I'd be an hour early. I'd be memorized.

I could play the other part if paid $180 to ask you a question about your special skills on your resume if I should list this accent that you would come in here and chastise me because you went to top the three top agencies and picked a bunch of good looking fucking models and you decided to work with them and you're taking it out on me? Preach it. Preach it. Preach it.

I'll tell you the one that used to send me over the top is this one Is they would You would do your Whatever for them Pour your heart and soul On a couple of them Come up with the best Personality I could

And they would just go You know what I really think you'd use A new headshot And it's like No I don't Wait I don't need a new

God damn headshot You hear that Toto We don't need a new God damn headshot Nobody needs a new Headshot ever How about that Wait one time I walked in on When they were making a new goddamn headshot. Nobody needs a new headshot ever. How about that? Wait, one time I walked in on, when they were making fun of my headshot,

I walked into the room. I walked into the room in the mid thing. She was like, whoa. She was like pointing at it like this. And I walked in and then she goes, she like put it down. I'd caught her. Like a cartoon. Yeah, she was like, so it was for a musical theater thing.

And she was like doing it to the accompanist across the room. And I walked right in the middle of it. And then she, I caught her. I caught her. We made eye contact. She goes, say anything.

She, no, I was like 23. I was like, you know, I was terrified. Stop putting your age. You wouldn't do it now.

You wouldn't do it at 65. Oh, that's, but then you, then you have to be like, I'm going to sing. Do you know what I mean? It was the most... You can't confront.

One time, I regret I didn't confront. I did a show. I was headlining a weekend at Caroline's. Two weeks notice. Light show on Sunday. I walked around the corner. The manager on the floor said to Seth, well, that was a show that could have been an email.

And I walked around the corner. What an unnecessary... So mean mean there was no way he thought there's no way that he didn't know that i heard that yeah and then he and then he had the audacity came over he's like hey how you doing i have a question and he asked me like a comedy question and of course i i didn't say anything yeah Yeah. That's tough. I don't usually confront. I will on occasion. But I, that's a tough one. That one upset me. Those, in a casting room, I have many times, I've had, there was one casting director who's a great casting director.

But I feel like I shouldn't say their name because it's a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're great. And I go in for them a lot. And this is one of my favorite stories. But I went in. I go in for them a decent amount. And I went in.

And I tend to go bigger with my auditions. I find that I either book it or I don't. But I find that doing a safe route is no good for me. So I do a very dandy version usually every time. And so I go in. I do a very dandy version. Is the yarmulke on for the beginning of the audition? I actually usually do halfway through.

And I do a little throw in the air catch. It's kind of fun. I don't know. It's special. And you know what it is? They remember it. They remember that moment. And I do it it and she's like

she's like oh that was great you know maybe do I think you could do a little bit less and I go I go oh nobody's ever said

that to me before and she fell over laughing and it was oh that's good and it was like but it was such a nice bonding moment

where we were like, obviously I do. You clearly bring me in because I do this thing I do. And like, we're both laughing at it, but it was so funny watching her be like, obviously they're like, well, if you bring in Danny, he's going to do a fucking thing. Whatever he's going to do, he's going to go so big. It was so funny. Yeah. But I remember it was such a bonding moment with her where it was like, now we both know

what we are. We both know what we are. But that's the problem. When you're 23, you don't know what you are yet. So you're still in that like, let me just be an actor. I just want to be an actor who leaves the room and they're like, good. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. You're in good mode. Now I'm in like, either they never bring me back or I get cast. Yeah. But like I go in hard, which I no longer can do because now I make self tapes and I'm like, I don't even know if anybody's watching these things. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you see that fucking ridiculous Riddler bullshit Joker thing the Riddler Joker bullshit no no oh they like release like check out whatever the guy who plays the Joker in the Batman his audition tape for the Riddler and it

was just him dancing for two minutes and I was like literally what is a famous person right yeah and I was like what literally what is this I don a famous person, right? Yeah. And I was like, literally what is this? What am I? Oh. He doesn't say a line. It's basically a music video.

He doesn't say a line. He doesn't do anything. He just literally dances through a hallway. Who's the actor? I don't know. Whoever plays the Joker and the Batman. Who, by the way, is great in it. And I just literally was like, he's great. So it's clear he's a good actor. But I'm like, the fact they released it who by the way is great in it and I just literally was like he's great

so it's clearly he's a good actor but I'm like the fact they released it being like this is what got him the role it's like

this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen once in a while you see it and you really go wow for me

I mean since I'm not a great crier since I can't really cry I'm always like amazed by those but a classic one Little Boy in E.T. oh shit

that's great. One of the greatest tapes of all time. One of the greatest YouTube videos of all time. Oh, my gosh. It's one of the greatest auditions of all time. It's because of Steven Spielberg just being like, they're taking away your friend. I would love, maybe we could do this,

just any of us just trying with that part. No, no. You in a chair being like, they're taking away your friend. And what the fuck? Give me away your friend. And then, what the fuck? Give me back my friend. What the fuck? Less cursing.

Well, you gotta play to your strengths. That kid was a good crier. He was good. For mine, E.T., Rachel McAdams, there's a notebook screen test that makes me go like, God damn, you're such a good actor.

Yes. Eleven in Stranger Things is a crazy one. Oh, I haven't seen that one. There was the guy. I was gonna say the guy from Stranger Things is a crazy one oh I haven't seen that one there was the the guy I was gonna say the guy from Stranger Things who

did the dancing in between his actual scenes I thought was a great one he just did that he put it in he just put it in it was the guy are you doing shit like that

because let me I'm not doing any of that I will do that you're doing shit in between the scenes I'll do shit in between god that makes me mad that makes me mad

like your cut it's a different cut or you're like I'll add things there was a character once i love if they put your audition breakdown like you know the notes like do a slate also please please no more dancing in between the scenes when i had agent when i when i had agents before i'm now just like just dealing with managers for for a hot sec uh but agents used to constantly be like, we're not going to send in the back half. They would always stop it. And I'd be like, why,

why not? Why can't we try? So now I'll do it as like a separate thing, but yeah, I'll add like, I'll add stuff. I'll throw in bonus. The most I'd done.

And I just, I actually, I booked it where it was, it was a standup comedy role and it was me like roasting an audience member. And I did it at the show i've done that for auditions too i prepped the audience and i imagine i imagine if i thought of it that means 50 other people did too and we're like i remember telling you because we were talking about that we taught we auditioned for the same thing and i told you like oh i filmed it at a thing you were

like yeah danny we all did that it was this it was this like it was this loose like the director's like hey hey just wanted to pop in there for a It was this loose, like the director was like, hey, just wanted to pop in there for a second with this audition note. This is a creation, so be loose, be free. The audition tape, I sent it to my agents. I said, hey, guys, I don't know what to tell you. This is 14 minutes long, and I've cut it down. I did everything they wanted me to do.

There was an improv scene that I did with Tova. This was back when Tova and I were still willing to do the self-tapes. And we did a long improv scene. And I do think proof that we have chemistry because we were able to do this long, where there was singing, like I turned on the radio and it's ironic.

I did this exact same thing. It's like, Ray, yeah. Oh my God. And I'm cutting it up because it's 14 minutes long. It was your own scene at Greenwich College. But it was seven different things. It was each of the scenes. Oh my God. And I'm cutting it up because it's 14 minutes long. It was your scene at Greenwich College. But it was seven different things. It was each of the scenes was seven.

You're going to, it was like, you're going to turn on the radio. You're going to hear this song. You're going to talk about the song. Then actually there's a moment where you guys both don't do it. Then you go back.

Scene in bed. I'm lying in my fucking bed with the phone like this. Like, I can't do this baby. And I'm like crying. I mean, it's crazy. It's crazy. I made a movie.

I remember saying it. It was a short film. I remember saying it. It was a short film. I remember literally saying, here's my short film. They should just release it. It's ready to go. Every actor in Hollywood made that ridiculous short film. What was it for? And that's what you need.

A movie that will never be made. Don't ever be made. Never be made. And that's what, like, it was like a director where like, you know, he made like a big movie in 2014. So you're like, well, Anne Hathaway was in it

or someone of that level. So you're like, he must be real. There was a real company. If we really want to prove like how ridiculous these auditions are, we need to,

for any role, somehow get all the agents together and say, let's put all the tapes together and put it and go like, here's a thousand hours for this one line that has been created.

Look at this massive waste of human existence. And they gave it to the director's friend. Of course. We need to really put the numbers because I think people are waking up. I think actors are starting, there was something on Twitter

of just being like, this is insane. This is insane what we're being asked to do. Well, so it's tough because what I don't – because what I see a lot is offerings. And it's like let's not offer roles. It should go to the most qualified person. That's the idea. And what I do think should be called out is if we're going to all send in tapes, make it a role that we're actually looking at tapes.

The one that pisses me off is lead in a sitcom, which then goes to John Krasinski. It's like, OK, you never really. Yeah. I remember once I sent in a role for the lead in a sitcom and I knew somebody involved. And I said and I made the i i got the audition i said i said like oh like i'm sending you like look what i just got and they literally expect they went why we've cast that role we've told the casting director i'll tell you what it is because i've been i was the reader for so long and i'll never forget it was like a big movie someone walked in

she did this audition where she was crying and yelling. And it was amazing acting. And when she left, the cast started to get a call. And it was like, oh, Billy Porter said yes? Good. That's cast. And no one will ever tell her. No one will ever tell her, good job.

No one will ever tell her, the only reason you didn't get is because of this. And what they'll say is like, oh, we had to audition because we had an offer out. But we couldn't wait because the big name takes their time to decide. And I go like, that's where I'm like, then you should fucking pay for this shit. Pay. Pay. If you have an offer out, fuck you. Or my thing is, because self-tapes, the problem is they're just shooting them out to everybody.

My thing is like, hey, call in your top 75. Let's not all go for it. You want to know how you do that? Let's not go. You pay. You pay. You want to shorten it? You want to shorten the list

to the people they're actually being serious about? You have to pay. I think that's bad because then nobody, because then it's only going to be people who are repped by the big agencies.

They'll never audition anybody from anywhere else because those big agencies already have such a stranglehold on who gets to audition. That's not even factoring in nepotism. That's just those big agencies already have such a stranglehold on who gets to audition that's that's not a talk that's not even factoring in nepotism that's just the big agency you're not wrong about that but i think that anything where where the the baseline elements are someone's not getting paid for their labor that's the first thing you have to fix and then you can fix all these other things but any any part where someone is not being paid for their labor,

you are, that person is at the bottom. And until they're paid fairly, nothing else can get taken care of. I think the only thing that, I think that, the problem is that, I mean,

they're never going to outcast anything. If they have to pay us to audition, they'll never cast anything. I don't think it's a realistic goal. It's, yeah. I don't think it's realistic. Why? Okay, third callback they pay, realistic okay third callback they pay right have you ever been paid for a third test yeah yeah i've been paid i got a third callback i got 172 because they used they used the third time

yes so why are we just paying for the third because you can't not pay people that that's not the world we're supposed to be living but you can you don't get paid to go for a job interview I hate that it is not a job interview it is not a job interview and we have to banish that line of thinking it is not a job interview

I think if they required them to pay for every audition truly they would just be like we're just going to give out parts until we don't make movies anymore. You know what? Better. Because it's better if they go and see live. You know what?

You want to talk about live entertainment? You want to talk about like a stimulating, because live entertainment is fucking dead because everything's going to be coming from TikTok for the end of Kingdom Come and live entertainment will fucking die because there will be no pipeline from live into film. So I say better to force people to have to offer roles

that they know because they're already offering them to begin with, but better that they have to go seek out live entertainment and go, I like that guy, put him in my movie, then have a hundred people audition when you kind of know what you want already and you get to be loose. And now with the internet, you get to send it to a thousand different people. That's poison. Rather have offer only. We've lost, we started together and we've definitely separated. I disagree in so much, in so many ways now. In so many different ways, I disagree. But look, the direction we're going in is the natural conclusion when you add the internet

to what was the audition process to begin with. This, you... What, oh, the agencies don't already have powers to begin with? The agencies are a huge issue. Don't get me started. No one's here defending agencies. Trust me. But you were essentially like,

well, then the agencies, the big agents will be even more powerful. I'm like, they already are even more powerful. Yes, but there's a chance. You can fight through. The lottery system is what we're defending here, then. Yes. We're defending the lottery system because that's the best

we're going to get you you you're what a low bar you've sat your version welcome to the jungle your version

welcome to the jungle of Hollywood baby your version there's no hope my version is hope and I think there's a way to make it better but I think you gotta understand

and then the other thing I was going to say is live entertainment and I do believe look obviously I've I'm coming from a place where I've invested a lot of money and time into a full length special with a big ending to it, which is an insane thing to do in 2022. The dumbest thing you can make. But I choose to believe that there are people out there who want that still. That there is some people who are going, I love the TikTok, but I also want this.

And you play to that audience. And I do believe that, yes, a lot of things do get offered based off of other things. But I also think if you go out there and you make your thing and you show my live version and my live entertainment, my thing is great. You can break through. We have to believe in that or we have nothing left in this industry yeah but we are not doing but even i got caught up in that i mean that was good we're but we're not i mean we're on a sketch we're on a sketch team yeah at seven years in and i think we put on a good product and listen there's all sorts of ways that give me start with my sketch team but i'm saying like what's so so give me one so my my starting proposal is starting to introduce money into the

equation of auditions because i as i said i think as a plank if someone's not getting paid for labor that's the first thing you have to address what's your first solution with with audition so you only get to offer x number of roles right you only get to do that for each project we're going to do this person and then if we're going to hold auditions you have to watch at literally like let's set a minimum for the casting office you have to watch a minimum of a minute of it watch this amount or call people in because the thing i loved about when people were called in is because someone even if it wasn't

the actual cast director somebody watched you act because that girl who cried of course I agree because that girl who cried in that room with you

while she didn't book that role I guarantee you the cast director was like but we gotta bring her in again so let me ask you a question

how are we enforcing this are we gonna have someone with a gun to make sure that they watch each video and speaking of just a minute how about this

how about this initial audition no more than two pages fuck off youial audition? No more than two pages. Fuck off. You don't need any more than two pages because most of these people, you see them and you go, when I put a slate at the beginning of the thing, I know half the tapes. They go six, three, and that's it.

Wait until you're five, seven and a half. You're too tall. How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? You're going to come at me with, tall Oh, yeah. How dare you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather be short. You're going to come at me with tall is the problem? People have told me to lie. How dare you? People have told me to lie and stay shorter.

Oh, fuck off. Yes, they have. They don't want me taller than the celebrity. I lie taller. Welcome to the jungle. They don't want me taller than the celebrity. Yeah, everybody loves a romantic couple on screen where the guy is shorter. That's a classic trope.

Get out of here. Eyes wide shut. Okay. By the way, if you're listening, this is The Downside. This is a podcast where clearly we explore

the negatives and try to find answers to hopeless questions. If you're a fan, check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside. We have bonus episodes.

We have special treats. I think I'm going to put recording a clean album and I'll put the video up there if you want to see that. And we have the amp episodes from Amazon on their Patreon dot com slash downside. I'm losing money if you don't do it. What if you don't get the Patreon? Yeah, you're losing money right now. You're losing money if you don't get it.

Yeah. If you don't pay me money. Actually, yeah. This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg, alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin.

Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. A&W is now serving Pret Organic Coffee and you can get a $1 small coffee, a $2 small latte, or like me, a $1 small coffee and a $2 small latte. Available now until November 24th in Ontario only. Woo-hoo! So, okay, I wanted a little family. Uh-huh.

You have a mom, you have a dad. Still together. Still together. Wild. Love each other more than ever, seemingly. Bizarre. Strange. Both Jewish.

Both Jewish. What do they do for work? So my mom is a professional artist um she ronniejoss.com uh she does this thing called painting with paper is what she calls it but it's basically layered paper and when you look at it from afar it'll look like a painting and then if you zoom in it's it's very hard to describe and so usually i show people because it kind of helps them but i don't i mean we can do that in the podcast where i show it to you but you can show it to me as you explain it just so we say but is it is it considered like is it a unique art form she created or is it like a field that she has peers who do the same no i would

argue that she really kind of came up with this. Like, this is kind of her thing. So, I'll do. I honestly think that's the best. You got to come up with, like, your own. So, I'll show you this. So, that looks like a painting. And then if you were to zoom in. So, go ahead and zoom in on it.

Like, you know, do a little pinch. You'll see that's all, like, layered pieces of paper. Oh, wow. So does she put the paper down first and then paint it? No, she does, like, each individual piece, like, on top of each other, and then, like, we'll, like, use, like, stencils at the end to, like, do, like, eyes or whatever. But a lot of that, like, each of those big colors on that is, like, a different piece of paper. Wow.

It must be so hard to... She makes a good living now? Artists... I mean, you think we have something to complain about. Artists are fucked up beyond belief. Sure. So they don't get... No. She does fine, but it's impossible to make money as an artist.

Well, I feel like when we look at all art forms, sometimes I try to think about, like, what are the things they have in common where, you know, everyone, if you look at the most successful, some of them, it's like these are truly the most talented people alive in this generation mixed with how the fuck did this happen. Oh, yeah. with how the fuck did this happen oh yeah and it's like for me the healthiness of an art form in terms of the industry is what percentage at the top are the best what what art form what business has truly captured the best is at the the top end and i feel like certain art forms poetry it's like very for me it's like almostangible. It's hard to understand what's good, what's just popular. Comedy, at least we have laughs. At the end of the day, there are people who do very well online who I literally get pumped when I see them on a lineup with me. I'm like, I can't wait to watch you bomb for the 700th time.

I'm so glad that's where you went for the 700th time. I know. And watch your, and it's just going to. I'm so glad that's where you went for a second when you started that sentence. I thought you were going to be like a decent person and be like, oh, I can't wait to see someone who just like really gets the audience going. Oh, no. And I was like, thank God, because yes. Yes, of course.

Yeah. We all know people who are great online, who are actually good at comedy, and we know a lot of people who are atrocious and you go why do this why are we torturing ourselves with this experience yeah it's great at the end of the day the live experience will always for comedy keep us somewhat fair we're more fair than any other industry i think so we're not fair fair but we're pretty close sure but when you have there are some bad comics where they get dumb fans and it produces the noise that makes you go wow they're great yes there's a couple who

and they've cultivated yeah yes there's a couple let's go alphabetically let's do it and a count of three but it's like yes there's definitely that but a lot of the time you'll eventually get caught you know you'll eventually lose them because they're only going to pay so many times for a mediocre show. Sure. And sometimes there are people who I will say have figured it out in time. Where it was like, I guess it's like an okay. It's like a pretty okay show. Pretty good show now.

And it's like, I think they're going to get away with it. They're going to keep going. But there's some. Or they figure it out in a way where they don't then have to do much live comedy they can transfer to like movies and things yes that's also a great move and and it's smart it's still like not great you can hide being not talented in tv and film for the rest of your life yes acting the right thing being okay at acting is extremely easy yes being a great actor i think very hard and challenging it takes a lot of work and effort being a good actor one of the easiest things do

you consider i feel like i gave up on there was a time where i thought oh i'm gonna be a great actor and i feel like i hit a wall of like oh i don't think I have the talent to be like a great actor. I love acting. I take acting. I, to a fault, take acting very seriously. I love acting. I still. Stand up destroy.

Acting takes the kind of concentration that I could never put the stand up down enough to do the acting thing. I still. And it's so. I mean, the sad part is it's like minus a couple things in my career. I so rarely get to do it because I'm usually cast as goofy goof. And, uh, that is,

and I'm happy to do goofy goof. And I think I'm very good at goofy goof, but I've done a couple of things where I've been like, this is true. I'm involved in one thing right now that I'm like, this is dramatic. I'm doing a dramatic thing. I play this. I feel this. I genuinely let like, this is dramatic. I'm involved in one thing right now that I'm like, this is dramatic. I'm doing a dramatic thing. I play this.

I feel this. I genuinely let myself feel this emotion. I think I play it real. I think people buy it. I love that. I love that feeling. I will, and I yell at agents,

everybody I ever meet with, I go. You yell at, I yell at. I really do, because everybody's always like, we have some comedies coming up. I'm like,

I'd really love to audition for your drama. That's what I'd like to audition for. That's my favorite thing to audition for. You know what it was when I someone wanted to go see a long day's journey into the night. And I thought like, I don't want to fucking see the matinee of a long day's

journey into the night. And I said, oh, the thing that I was pursuing, like that would have been the Mecca. I would get to be in a Long Day's Journey into the Night, and on Saturdays I would get to do two four-hour renditions of a Long Day's Journey into the Night. And because I saw this, there's some tweet today that was like, I work hard because I'm not good at what I do.

Don't you understand? And to me, like I was like, that's because i'm not good at what i do don't you understand and to me like i was like that's the tattoo put that on my back where if i were to do long days during the night i feel like i'm not a good enough dramatic actor so in order to do it well i'm waking up at eight i'm watching the six feet under finale just to start my day to get into the mood you're talking to a guy who was on a tv show that was a musical theater tv show who has the least ability in musical theater i can sing oh pretty good can't dance to save my life and i'm on a set with broadway trained people all around me the amount of work and extra time i'd have to put in offset to survive was insane and not enjoyable at times but it feels so good it's such a good feeling when you're like you really can't tell how much better this person

is than me because i can because i've worked this hard to get this one fucking dance right and you still can tell they're better yeah i mean editing is amazing editing is amazing uh for sure so your your your mom's this artist mom's an artist and dad is a uh sales trainer uh kind of motivational speaker so how how what level of corny motivational speaker he's very good he's very good at what he does is is your skeptical comedian side ever go like you're blowing smoke up everyone's ass no what is like what is what does he do what does it mean to be a motivational speaker well so motivational so it's really based around sales right that's really his like specialty is like so he's a book called uh customer-centered selling that's his first book that's kind of like the

basis everything he does but it's why i'm like a very good salesman. I can, it's why I make a great agent because I can sell anybody on anything. And when my last day job was a commission based sales and I mopped the floor. And so he's, but it's all about the key to anything. The key to, I mean, as far as motivation goes, the key is like, believe that you can change what's wrong. Right. Believe that you can change what is, whatever isn't working right now, you can change it. What does that mean? What can we do to change it?

Those are all choices that we can make. But the second you go, there's nothing I can do, you're done. So it's like, you can either go into, there's nothing I can do mode, or you can go, okay, what can I change? And by the way, I might not be able to fix this a hundred percent, but I can make it 50% better. I can make it 60% better. I can do something. What am I doing? Am, what can I change? And by the way, I might not be able to fix this 100%, but I can make it 50% better. I can make it 60% better. I can do something.

What am I doing? Am I doing everything I can? You know? Am I doing everything? It's something I do all the time with my stand-up. I go, am I doing everything I can to be successful? Am I doing everything I can? Am I doing everything I can to build towards my goal?

I wear this stupid necklace at all times on stage. And it says, what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? And that's real. I always think about that. What would I? That's the special, the special that you can watch right now. It's all about this idea that I was like, it's insane to do a to do an interactive special where you pick my jokes. But you can do it if you believe in yourself.

Where do you get that phrase? Where do you get that? We're getting too positive for this podcast. But I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'll tell you. I like yourself. Where'd you get that phrase? Where'd you get that? We're getting too positive for this podcast. I know, I know. I'm sorry. I'll tell you back now. I like it. Where'd you get that phrase?

Where did you first see that phrase? My dad. Uh-huh. Is that his? No. Is that his line? No, it's like a famous line. But who said those things?

I mean, at some point, someone had to have said it. It's one of those passed down things where it's hard now even to know who said it first. Yeah. I mean, you like to think someone said it casually and someone was like, what the fuck did you just say? Someone's brain is like, whoa. Then someone else, then that person went out of the room and was like, hey, Jimmy. You know what I was thinking? What would you attempt to do if you could not fail?

And everyone was like, wait a second, I thought I heard him. And then Jimmy was like, you missed 100% of the shots you don't take. And then he's like, whoa. That would be a funny, that could be a sketch of someone who just like, like a normal person. But you talk to them and they say this thing

and they're like, what did you just say? What did you just say? We gotta write this down. That's the, if you really wanna butter me up, talk to me and then say to me like, that was really well said.

And I'm like, oh thanks. That was off the cuff. I know, because I usually am so bad with words that I'm always like, anytime someone's like, it was really. And I'm like, oh, thanks. That was off the cuff. I know, because I usually am so bad with words that I'm always like, anytime someone's like, it was really well set,

I'm like, it was really well set. It was really well set. No one talks about it. So, yeah, that's what he does. And I do subscribe to it. Are you close with your family?

Very close. Close. Very close. Feels like extreme. Close. Very close. Feels like extreme. Close. Sure. I get along well with my parents. Do you have siblings?

Yep. Two younger sisters. What do they do? Jesse Jollis is a... Oh, I've met Jesse before. Oh, yeah. He's a comedian in New York City. Have I met Jesse?

Yeah, she's good friends with Claire. Claire Burns. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Claire and Jesse. Yeah. That's good friends with Claire. Claire Burns. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Claire and Jessie. Yeah, that's my sister. Yeah.

Because we live on the opposite coast and do kind of different styles of comedy, I feel like people very rarely connect us. What does she do? More like funny stuff? Good one, John Marco. Wait, do the acting. Yeah, I do that. Can we stop the podcast?

The next five minutes is just him trying to cry. Can you play some music really quick? He's going to start yelling. I'm like, is that Donald Duck? Two more minutes. I'm going to get there. Hold the camera. And what's the other sister do?

I don't really understand it. She seems to work at very – she does something where it is like she has government clearance of some kind, but she doesn't do the thing that actually involves the clearance, but she is involved in HR, I think, but she has clearance of some kind. Do you think when she retires, she says it was the CIA? There's a chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a chance, but you can't see your sister as that, so it's like I can't because I'm like, my sister? Uh-huh. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then there's a chance that she is, and she's like, yeah, I've been a genius since 18. I'm like, in in my mind you're an idiot always uh you're a child you're a child she's always 15 to me yeah my youngest sister she's always a 15 year old do you think i i get i'm envious of people with arts families i mean your mom's a full artist i mean your dad it's it's tangential. Very tangential. They hate, they hated when I went into this. I think it makes sense.

I think I'd be a supportive parent, but like, it's a mix. I would want the kid to like be, I love art. I love this business. Tova and I, you know, there's something about this business that is thrilling, as awful as it all is. The moments when it's good are so good. The moments where, particularly Hollywood, gives you anything.

It is the best feeling. Because it's, one, as somebody who's had to battle their way in, you're like, man, it feels so good. And the conclusion is,

great art. Incredible. Yes. If you get there, ever. And there's something too, particularly with stand-up, working hard at something. The thing I tell everyone, I'm like, stand-up too, particularly with stand-up, working hard at something.

The thing I tell everyone, I'm like, stand-up comedy, you work hard at it, you will get good. Yeah. Almost everyone can get there. Well, that's what, like, even if I'm not successful, and I feel the pangs of not being successful, and I'm, you know, at Looney Bin in Oklahoma City again, if I'm, like, killing with a group of people,

in that moment, I like yeah i'm at i'm at i'm doing everything that i can be i feel good that's where being just an actor is tough because i go i don't know how you how it was awful how you yeah i don't know how you quantify how good you are and how you feel that thing of progression because if you're just auditioning or even doing small roles and things like even just auditioning or even doing small roles and things, even if you're booking and doing small roles and things, it is hard to feel like I'm really doing it. That feeling of I'm doing an hour stand-up,

it's going great the whole time. I'm taking these people on a journey. I'm watching them go on this journey with me. That's a great feeling. You can't take it. You can't touch me there. That's supposed to be you. Yeah.

What do you do? What do you do? You're just an actor? No, but I do sketch comedy. He's a podcast host. So I feel like that, but I agree with what you're saying. Like, if I was just doing

these self-tapes at home all day and didn't have, like, the uncle functionality of, it would be, it's so important because it's like this, you know, it is this thing where

you don't get that and you don't even, like, you know it is this thing where you don't get that and you don't even like you know you film a bit part in an independent movie and you're just like that was cool to be there but like you don't get anything really like and I've done you know very big booking things where

I'm on set being like anybody could have done this there was something I filmed last week I was like anybody could have done this. There was something I filmed last week. I was like, anybody could have done what I just did today. No way did it involve actual acting what I just did. Maybe I'm a little funnier. Maybe I gave a better look, but not even.

It was a pretty basic look. It was a couple basic ass lines. Anybody could have done it. I'm glad they chose me. I was honored to done it. I'm glad I think chose me. I was honored to do it. I think I'm good at a good energy on set. And I think I bring that and I, you know,

confidence on set. I know what I'm doing. So I, I maybe that I can give myself credit for it, but like, I don't know how you leave that set. Like now I'm an actor. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I definitely said the words they told me to say in the order they told me when i did that when i that the one line in hustlers with with j-lo there was this feeling of like we did it it was like four takes it was one in the morning things were running late and i would have given a thousand dollars for anyone to have been like hey that was good but like it was very functional it was just a functional scene where i'm like sorry i have an early morning and you do it you move on and i'm like i don't even know if i did anything yes it feels like i didn't do anything and i don't know if i did it like okay i don't

know if i even did the nothing okay yes and most people will probably just be like yeah we we got it yeah we got it but like. We got it. But like, well, imagine in that montage, there was one moment in the montage of like, whoa! Yeah. That was in,

I have something in the morning. Yeah. Was that your line? I can't. I have an early morning. That's not how I did it. Okay, so J-Lo was here.

Were we doing two shot uh no no it was just one angle okay it was jayla here and then like these two women here okay and jayla was she was pushing her thigh against me and i couldn't tell if it was like because her character was hitting on me in the scene or it was just cramped or she was flirting wow and i'm going between these three things yeah yeah it could have been any of those three things but there is all equal but there is this feeling like because she's she's putting pressure this is j-lo she's putting pressure against me i'm like terrified to to for her to feel like i'm giving any motion this way so you're just like letting her push you like what like this i'd be like this because i'm not pushing back yeah what if what if she i push my leg and she's like whoa what the fuck i was terrified

cut this this creep oh yeah i did a thing with brad pitt and uh like that's the movie babylon coming out in christmas time and uh but the moment when he walks on set and looks you in the eye it is so hard not to be like jesus fucking god he's gonna get it you just you can't help but be like god you're the most famous person on the planet yeah it's like i mean j-lo it's hard to tell because obviously your perception is warped because you know they're famous but like i I would swear that if J-Lo was not a star and walked in a room, she's bleeding charisma or just like there's something that is just like. Same with Brad.

It just felt like this guy. But then people. People become human. I don't know. J-Lo is also like. But also I would say Like There's certain rooms Not many rooms But certain rooms

Where people would say that About you and I And I think that is Which is crazy When young comics are like Hi Yeah yeah And you're like

Please And you're like me? Please I would do your show for free Yeah Would it be alright if you What? Would it be alright? I'm dying out here One thing with me be all right if you can't would it be all right i'm

dying out here uh why is one thing with me for like i know you haven't experienced this necessarily but for me when celebrities are shorter than me it loses a little bit of of the i'm like oh there but when i met pete holmes because pete holmes is like taller and i'd never met him and there's someone like i've listened to and watched forever. Like because he's bigger it fulfills that like whoa. Yeah. And because he's

because there's so few people that are bigger than me I feel small. Oh. And he is I mean he's just a tree. Yeah.

Huge. He's huge. That's interesting. Yes everybody is taller than me so I tend to be able to they walk in and I go

it really is a horrible trade. I really like, of all the things, you know, there's so many things that like we can't make fun of or we have to be careful about it that when I'm allowed to make fun of something, man, I just lean in. Short, being old. It's the easiest target in the game. I will say this. The Virg is complaining. I will say this. The Virgis complaining.

Short guys got it. Just the amount of people in this world who claim to be bullied, claim they were bullied as kids who can't handle a basic ass insult. And it's like you were actually bullied and you can't handle your short. You can't handle that. You didn't learn how to brush that one off in high school. Grow up. Get bullied as a kid and learn how to fucking blow it off. Get over it. You had a line about, I won't say it if you don't want to, it's just what the drag queen said to you.

Oh, yes. Should we say that just that one line? Yes. online yes so you because because i remembered it very specifically because i'm like i can see how it would be upsetting and there would be some men where that really where you talked about being at a drag show yep and i what did the drag queen say to you she goes she looks right and this was the opening of the show how old are you there's only a couple. It was like, I was into my comedy career. Uh-huh. But, and she just goes, honey, I know your girlfriend is bored.

And I can see the guy that like. Got real mad at that. That has never, that wasn't bullied. I mean, that's the thing with especially like, I think white guys freaking out where it's like they were not bullied for so long and then at 25 someone makes them feel insecure and it's a crime against humanity yeah you don't say it's like i laughed immediately yeah when she said it i was like that's one, so funny. Such a succinct burn. What a great immediate and I immediately knew exactly what we were making fun of. That's totally fair.

You know? Yeah. It was so funny. But that's like, I think especially like when you can tell a heckler interaction is going to be fine. Is when you make the joke and you roast them, everyone laughs at them and they go and that's it and then you know it's going to be a problem when when the person goes like uh actually she's pretty satisfied actually she's your yeah that's when you're like well we are we're done we're not having fun at all um well we're trying out a new segment we don't have music for yet oh we are uh yeah i don't know if we have time so okay uh

we're trying to give russell uh we can't have music for yet. Oh, we are? Yeah, it's today. We're trying to give Russell... We can't call it Russell's Corner because that's taken from a podcast that I like. Russell's Sandbox? Okay, so I will be hosting a quick little segment right now called Russell's Sandbox. Russell's Sandbox. Where is it?

Russell's going to come with a thing. I'll come with a thing, a question, or a topic to talk about or a thing. Today I'm going to play a little game. Do we want a theme song? We could come up with one, yeah, if you want to create it right now. Yeah, so it's like, you know, let's get a little creative. It's easy.

It's like. Ba-ding, ba-ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Russell Sandbox He's got a thing Could really be anything It's unspecific But it's a thing Of some kind It's Russell Sandbox Better do Woo! Okay

You said you have Rachel Bloom's number Could we maybe So today I like doing I like doing hypotheticals Or like Like posing things

Like One time on this podcast We were were like a moral question was, if you were on a street and Bill Cosby fell and George W. Bush fell, who would you help stand up first? Or would you help either one of them? Like if they were in the middle of the road. Or would you get in your car? Or would you, you know, what are the, so this is a little simpler.

This is, I have two questions for both of you. What celebrity would you be most surprised if they were canceled? And why? This is the first question. The second one is, what celebrity would you be least surprised? Make it canceled in any way, shape, or form?

In any way. Any way. I think like... Or I guess maybe we should do it with a Me Too pen. Maybe like... A Me Too pen. Well, because I guess it would be like... It's more fun.

It's more fun. It's a little spicier. It's like everybody... It's like an old inside trader kind of stuff. Let's say something where it's like shitty human. Yes. It's a shitty human behavior. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, that I'd be most surprised. And least surprised. And least surprised. And why? Least surprised. There's people who we know who just haven't yet been cancelled so it's like so I'm gonna take

those people out but it's like literally people in my mind who I'm like oh this person's day is coming we all know

it's coming yeah I just won't be the one to lead it I'm no Hannibal they play some comedian like

really trying to get their Hannibal moment just like calling out everyone they can I see it on Twitter all the time. Bill Clinton, Bill Clinton.

Uh, I, I, I, Oh, that's tough. Do you have, do you have an answer?

I don't, I want to hear yours first. And then I could, I have thoughts. I have like general kind of, I, and I just feel like people like, like,

uh, Tom Hanks is definitely like one of those it would be stunning if he had something and I feel like Tom Hanks was Bill Cosby in a degree like was a Tom Hanks like kind of figure Bill Cosby did more moralizing

which I think gained him some enemies but Cosby was always the rumor we always kind of heard, it was always kind of out there. Like I remember, yeah, I remember being on tour with a show

and my roommate and I at the time were one night, we're watching the Cosby show and I was like, isn't there a weird thing with Cosby? And we were like drunk and kind of watching the show and we like read the thing

and we were like, oh, this is crazy. Like we were like oh this is crazy like this is like this is like 2013 or something and it was like a full case of what happened

yeah yeah it was out there so but yeah yeah Tom Hanks is good I think Tom Hanks is my my yeah

I was thinking like the Tom Hanks equivalent of like a woman you know what I mean like someone like like that kind of but I don't know who that is just saying like like a woman. You know what I mean? Like someone like that kind of. I don't know who that is. You're saying like a Meryl Streep?

Meryl Streep. That would be shocking. Meryl Streep would be a shocking one. Meryl Streep would be shocking. Meryl Streep would shake the world. It might end America. Okay, those are good ones. Those are good.

I'm trying to think if there's anybody else. Because Obama is interesting because it's like he's just. I think political is tough because. think you also i think any of them i also think like there is i do think it is fair to be skeptical about politicians because you know if anyone in the world has people specifically it was like the same thing with al franken i at this point i don't give a fuck i think the al franken thing was like was very rushed to judgment and i'm like that is a widely held belief that the al franken thing there's plenty of people that if al franken's on a show in new york go on twitter and they'll be like wow you're hosting a predator uh on this thing yeah and and but the word i guess the worst without Frank was someone said to,

to, he said to a woman like, you have to kiss me. I'm a star, which, okay. If someone said that, that's a crazy line to say,

but that was like the worst. Listen, I feel, I feel you've all, you've all dropped off from my support. No, no, I'm on board.

I'm on board. I'm on board. Al Franken's was insane. I'll say that picture. The idea that that picture was, oh, I'm on board. I'm on board. I'm on board. Al Franken's was insane. That picture, the idea that that picture was, oh, we're getting into the bad,

the bad territory where it sounds like I'm just, but there was the picture that like broke open the dam with this person asleep with the thing and it was just like, we'd lose your job?

It was staged. It was staged, not like staged like fake, like staged like, it was, everybody was involved. It it was the person involved was like this is not a big deal yeah that is a big part of the to me one of the biggest parts of any story is what did the other person think right that's always going to be a massive part of it for me in it sometimes that goes negatively for what the common narrative is because people will be like it wasn't even that big a deal i'm like well this other person in the room the only other

person in the room seems to come forward saying it was a big deal so i understand we don't we don't all agree that it's as big a deal but it feels big to me that that person feels like it was big that's something yeah sure this was one where the other person was like not me i didn't bring this forward yeah yeah yeah that's a big deal um no franken was tough and and i have you done any shows with him no i didn't want to show one but he's here the problem in la yeah we get our there's one i closed the show he was in the middle and i opened with i was like oh my god me following al franken that's like if kevin hart was followed by al franken it worked in the room fuck you but i i okay smart too smart a joke you know what i mean it's like one of those it's a thinker yeah really there's this thing that went online yesterday you know sarah silverman's uh kind of you're probably

friends you probably have shabbos with her but yeah yeah well she's one of, you're probably friends. You probably have Shabbos with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she's one of my best friends. But, you know, she, after the Kanye thing, she was like, no one speaks up for the Jews. And some people were like, plenty of people in the black community are speaking up. And she was like, you know. But then Sarah Silverman's got a wealth of video. If you want to fucking get mad at Sarah Silverman, she's got a wealth of video of her doing some crazy shit.

Oh, early Sarah Silverman. Which I think is why I'm always surprised when she gets, like, really self-righteous about certain things. mad at sarah silverman she's got a wealth of video of her doing some crazy shit oh really which i think is why i'm always surprised when she gets like really self-righteous about certain things i'm like you got there's a lot of stones waiting and there was this video of her on bill marr and it's like her bill marr uh a chinese man who had been speaking about like some joke she had said with the c word in it and she does the thing thing where she's like, I'll tell the joke here. In the setting, you don't want to tell the joke. And it ends with the C word. And she says it in the room to the crowd that's not ready for jokes.

So you don't even get the benefit of some people laughing. I think what's crazy about that kind of thing is like, because she's talked about, I'm sure she's talked about how she's changed her, you know, blah, blah, blah. But I think that that's what's crazy about it is the righteousness then, like, because you're like, if you just like were like,

if you just were like, I'm going to like sit these kind of things out. I'm not saying, I don't know how to describe it. What I said to Toba is that I think older people, sometimes they grow and they grow as society changes and they forget that just because they grew, sometimes they grow and they grow as society changes and they forget

that just because they grew, there's other people who are still young and even if society, even if they think like, oh, we're at a different place now, as put it down, Russell, put it down.

He broke it. Listen, where, where I think there's this degree of like, there's like, oh, I've grown and I, as a society, we understand these words are bad now.

And I'm like, yeah, but there are still 20 year olds and young people who are going to make the same mistakes you made back then. Who have that self like, fuck everything. I'm going to say whatever I want. Yeah. Not to plug it, but this is literally something that is talked about in my special. Great. About growth of opinions.

And my thing is be consistent i am somebody who believes people change it's why i believe that it's why i believe that we have to have a prison system that it does reform it's the same thing with people who say words we want to reform people we want people to re-enter society better we want to see people grow that's the premise and we all every single one of us has had a bad opinion in our past that's just what it is to be a human we have we express some on this podcast yes that you would go back and so but my thing is then be consistent so it's like i will always be somebody who goes who goes when was this said what would they say now what are the thing i under i certainly understand what's it but then that's what kills me is that then when you go then when

they go and they go particularly some young kid now and they're like wow can you believe these kids said this and it's like you were the you can bash them now but let's not put a death sentence on this person let's hope they grow and change like i mean this is gonna get so intense but it's not that intense but it's like it's like if you were just like fuck you i hate you but it's like we're getting intense but to me i'm like i'm like myers myers leonard is a great jewish evolution story that nobody talks about they talked about what happened myers leonard was a basketball player who was playing video games on a Twitch stream and said the K word. He was caught on mic and he got destroyed.

He called someone in or he referred to himself as one? Just, no, no, called, he's not Jewish. Oh, he's not Jewish. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. He said it just, you know, just playing the game. I don't even think he realized it was like being streamed, but said it. Got basically dropped from his team, etc.

For the past two years, this guy, my understanding is, goes to synagogue regularly, has really learned about Judaism, has grown. There's now these rabbis who are like, we see him every week. He has learned and grown so much since that day. And nobody talks about that part of the story. And bums me out how old is he he's probably early 30s he was i mean he was like mid basketball career and he and he and it's like that's also a beauty it's like if we're gonna deal with the ugliness of the start of that story and it's really like someone who grew up in virginia because you grew up your area had jews a lot of jews and i grew up in a we had uh my at george honda school we were very progressive we had a class about like you know racial awareness and

we had martin luther king jr week and to a degree where i'm like, oh, I understand, which some people don't. I don't think that I had a I had a I was raised from an early age to think about these things and not say certain words. I had nothing like that. Nothing. Virginia Public School could not. You had Martin Luther King Jr. minute. Uh huh. They'd be like, he was out there. in your minute.

Uh-huh. They'd be like, he was out there. Anyway, let's talk about Robert E. Lee and what an incredible general he was, which is a big part of Virginia history. I was at a Civil War museum

in Richmond. They were selling Robert E. Lee coasters and I said, what is this? I remember being raised and I thought this was always a cool fact I would say.

I would say, did you know that Robert E. Lee didn't even really believe in slavery, but he was the general of the Confederate Army because he said he would never go against Virginia. He'd always go where Virginia went.

Isn't that a cool fact? He said confidently once upon a time because I was told that by a teacher. And then slowly was like, oh, me and T.J. I told the worst person on the planet. So you didn't believe in it, but you did it anyway.

That's even worse. Like at least you didn't even have the gain. I like the equivalent for like a union general. You know that he believe in it, but you did it anyway. That's even worse. At least you didn't even have the gain. I like the equivalent for a union general. You know that he believed in slavery, but he said, I'm never going against Rhode Island. Yeah, they taught us that. I sometimes say this on stage, because the classic field trip was the Monticellos, the Mount Vernons. Classic field trip was like the monticello's the mount vernon's yeah classic field trip and the way they would take you through these houses and just sprint by the slavery portions yeah like when they take you already softened to begin with so solid but

they do a little bit more on the monticello one recently because i went on it recently because i went in like 2014 or something and they they like, you could tell that they had had a thing where they're now talking about it. They're not really comfortable, but they have been mandated to talk about it. And they're like, a lot of raised eyebrows, kind of like this kind of like feeling of like, and then just so we know this did happen. And like that kind of thing where it was like not comfortable yet, but it's hard to know how to talk about it. Like, like I went to the civil war museum and like,

it would feel preachy if the whole museum was like, and then the bad guys did this and they were bad. Or like, can you talk about, you know, uh, the, the,

the families, how they start, like, how do you talk about it? I don't know how you talk about it. Can you talk about, I feel more comfortable talking about Germany because as a Jew,

but like, can you talk about the ways that the families at home starved as their people were out at war and their Kampf? I don't know. This German for struggle, but it's, I don't know because The chairman for struggle. But it's, it's, I don't know because there, there's some degree where I'm like, as an adult, you should be able to talk about things without making it clear your moral stance as you talk about the fact itself. But at the same time, if you do too much of it, then it sounds like you're like kind of being sympathetic towards what we now recognize

as a moral wrong. It's hard. It is very hard. It's hard. Yeah. The world is tricky. And that is, some would say the joy of it

is that these shoes aren't always straightforward and that's fun. So, Tom Hanks, let's move on to our next segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop.

Do you have a This Has Got to Stop for us, Danny? Oh, fuck. I'll do it for the final song. I believe it. I believe that it sounds like someone yelled This Has Got to stop. This has got to stop. Do you have a This Has Got to Stop for us, Danny? Oh, fuck. I'll do it for the final song. I believe it. I believe that it sounds like someone yelled, This Has Got to Stop. Yeah.

So I got it down. Just yelling. Yeah, I was thinking about this on the way here, and I was like, all right, I have one. But it's about nobody in particular. But I will just say, I'm on a real run of my friends having kids. Love it. and i have friends who will be like you know it's hard it's hard to have kids but there are a couple of my friends a

couple people i know who are like it's so brutal it is so hard it is so it's a pot we can't do anything because it's it's so and i just think you have to remember the information's been out there that having a kid is difficult yeah you gotta stop turning into your personal war that you're fighting you did it to yourself and you knew exactly what it was gonna be and you love how difficult it is. And you're making a production out of how difficult it is that you knew you were setting up when you made the choice. Some people are so desperate

for a struggle that they are birthing a struggle and it's ridiculous. It's got to stop. It's one of those things where they're so excited to tell you how tired they are. or if you mention like I watched this new show like oh Wish I had time for that

Like watching a Netflix show and I'm like you have fucking time I know you have fucking time The kid goes to bed at 2 o'clock in the afternoon Yeah Oh and then he's up at 4 well luckily you had 10 hours Like No it is one of those things and I also feel that sometimes this is not all the case. Uh,

I'm, I'm, I'm not actually using anyone that I'm very good friends with. Uh, I'm going to say that right now, but sometimes tangentially people I know, um, they don't believe this by the way,

when they listen, they don't go, Russell's not talking. Listen, no, no, but I am like there. I feel the same thing when I started mine, I have friends, cause I have friends who are like, it's hard, but they say in a way of like, no, no, but I am like, I feel, because I have friends

who are like, it's hard, but they say in a way of like, no, it's hard because it is hard. Oh, so many friends. But then the people

who are like, they enter the room sighing. But what I was going to say, they enter the room sighing and they're like, oh. That's a good character detail. Every entrance is an exit.

Yeah. Never forget that. The thing I was going to say is that sometimes this started before they even had kids. It started when they got pets and this kind of thing where I'm like, you, it was always going to be hard for you and you wanted it because it provides you with a lot to talk about. It provides you, it's like a safe space for like, you don't have to worry about coming

up with a conversation topic or like engaging fully. It's like, oh, I can complain about this thing. And that, you know, anyways. I don't know. As someone who dramatizes my struggles like professionally, I feel like sometimes I have sympathy. Are those people making the production? Are they in the arts, too? The one I'm thinking of who is the most dramatic, not in the arts.

And my thing is that's the only time they get to be on stage. But they're not. Is when they're doing this production. That is a good point. The one I'm thinking of is a friend who is not in the arts. Yeah. And they were the other day just texting me about how difficult and I just was like shut the fuck you knew

bring them to a mic let them do it on stage and watch they'll go off and they'll be like oh I'm glad I got to just express that remember that's what I talked about with Alex Brightman Alex Brightman talked about like friends who are like super like over dramatic like in public and making a scene.

And I was like, yeah, but you did two lead musical shows today. So you got it out of your system. Oh, sure. Well, that's like sometimes people's weddings. Sorry. It's that kind of thing. This is the one time they're going to speak in their whole lives. And why it's such a big deal because it's their only performance they get.

Oh, people running their fucking best man speeches that are atrocious anyway. And they're like. Tova thought it was so funny because I went to my friend's wedding and he had me do. He wanted me to do like a set. And like. Oh, what a nightmare. But it was fun. I had a good time.

But like. Oh, God. Trust me on so much. There was his funniest friend got to do his speech. And it was like. It did really well. And Tova was like. If you hadn't

followed him it would have been that guy's night the night of his life like he killed and then someone who does it for a living went on stage and like put it into perspective you ever feel that way when you do a um when i do like a um like class show like graduation show that was like a professional come on at the end, like, and you just feel so bad because they've worked so hard and they've done so well. And then you go up barely even looking at, you know, like,

and you just, but then I always go, that's what years will do. Yeah. I always look at them. I'm like, you can be this. Sure.

Do the thing you're doing and keep doing it. But you do feel like they're all like, I think I'm the funniest person. And then it's just watch me without even having to – nothing. Off the top of my head, I'm going to – But this is – I think it's amazing when you see how foreign like what we do is for some people where you'll see fully functional adults. They have businesses. They're rich.

And they go to do their speech. This is the mic. This is the stand. When I first met – and you're like, you don't understand? You don't understand how micro works. You don't understand this part. You've seen it every time forever. It's amazing.

Yes. Microphones work like this. This is how we want to hold. I know. It's so funny. It just happened at a wedding. Oh, weddings are the worst. The mic.

The first time I met them, I said to myself... And nothing kills the speech more than we can't hear you. Kills it. I went to one time and they had... It was driving me nuts. They had the microphone stand and someone in the beginning was like, I don't think I need that!

And then they were like... And then they just... They screamed, I don't think i need that and then they started talking at the crisis and it was outside it was an outside wedding underneath like a flight path so it was like we're like we couldn't hear any and if you're gonna have a wedding that no one can hear it's gotta be under 10 minutes it can't be 45 because then you're just like what what's happening they're doing like and the stand the mic stand stood there the whole time no one ever pulled it out do you ever lose your mind watching people with mic stands when you're like just twist it just twist it just twist the metal like how do i

well it is though it is the because i was telling someone i was like you know it's the one i was talking to a class i was my friend uh teaches teaches a class on comedy, and I just sort of dropped in really fast. But one thing I always tell young comics, I'm like, hey, by the way, this is your one prop. Really get to know it. Get to know this thing. Like, this is your best friend, and you want to learn how to use it effectively to help your jokes. Because it's the only thing we get up there. Is this a stool and a mic stand?

You want to know how to use those things. And as a result, anytime somebody does not know how to use a mic or a stand or a stool, I lose my mind. I remember seeing when I first saw Sebastian Mascalco kind of right as he was blowing up. And I was like, I'm like, oh, my God, I'm an idiot. The mic can be this. It can be a this it can be a that like he he is as if it was his own art form yes like of of mime based on a mic he's and and it's amazing and i like took i definitely took a lot from working at lol with a lot of like great black comedians where like i saw so many

possibilities of what could be done and i feel like I really tried to borrow steel from that, like Elvis style. Just like, let me do it. I mean, to me, the gold, to me, the person who I watch right now, because every one of his specials, whether it's one of my favorite ones of his or one of my weaker ones, every Bill Burr special has one thing he does with the microphone where I'm like, oh, that's brilliant. This past one, he had something where someone was yelling to him from behind.

He's like, what did he say? He put it back there. And I was like, what? Amazing. Put it back. Yeah. So smart. His helicopter joke will always be the gold standard to me.

Just when he puts it over here. It's amazing. There's times I'm like, remember, Jamal, you're a musician. Like, think of the music. But it's so true. Yeah, it is true. I do one right now where I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, this is a mic joke. The joke here is the way we're using the microphone.

It's so cool. Like, the feeling is I'm like, fuck, I need to think about this more. I need to think what to do better. That's all I do. All I do is think about the art form because I'm a weird obsessive little stand up comedy fan let's go to our final segment put on these headphones real quick you're going to want to hear this one

you better count your blessing you better count your blessing Russell I would love to hear your blessing so real quick it's Nicole just because I've had a lot of these self tapes to be doing You better count your blessing. Russell, I would love to hear your blessing. Real quick, it's Nicole,

just because I've had a lot of these self-tapes to be doing, and she's been available. Who's Nicole? My wife. She's been available, helping, and it's like not being like, oh, you know what I mean? It's a lot to ask someone daily to to help you out with this. And I get so excited when it's like just there's no other person in the thing because I'm like, oh, I don't have to ask her.

But, you know, most of them you do. So that's been really helpful. That is very nice. And she's not an actor, but she does fine in the kind of reading. My wife is also not an actress. Yeah. And sometimes brings a good attitude yeah a lot of times it's a very negative attitude i mean we're in a new phase where i have a lot more right now i could see it it it could turn at like a point like if i'm still having to you know yeah tova

said about a week more unless there's a book here. Yeah, that's the way Jess works. Jess will get into it. I got to give her breaks and then she'll like do it once or twice and be like, it's fine. No, I like doing it. And then very quickly because she'll just be like, yeah, every time with her, it's like I'll do the first one. Why don't you look over the lines? A little bit longer. Oh, my God.

That would send me through the roof. That is so funny, though. I'd be like, honey, I didn't have time. I get it from every direction. No one's happy with me. Oh, that's so funny. That is so fucking brutal and true. Every time.

Because you never have it memorized because we only have so much time. But you also, yeah, sorry. You think, though. You always are like, okay, I probably got it. Pretty close. And then you're like, what is the first thing at all? Like, ugh, what's up? Tova cannot fake a compliment, I'll tell you that.

How was that tape? Good. The voice becomes hollow. The eyes almost vanish in the back of the head. Good. You said that really weird. No, it's great. Well, because same with my wife and your girlfriend is they actually watch tapes regularly.

So Jess will do, yeah, Jess will do the thing where she's like, it's good. Like what? She's like, it's big. You know, I think like you could do the, you know, just like less. Or sometimes she'll be like, it's just like, like, I feel like you're like missing parts. Actually. Oh my God. Get out.

No, Tova and I, we stopped completely. In the beginning, it was like, it was like COVID times. When we weren't dating, I had a scene and like, it was like, we shouldn't do this. We shouldn't date or anything. And then I had like a romantic scene where I looked at her and it was like, I love you more than anything in this world. And she always, she always like, she's like, what a monstrous thing i did that i had her do that during this time but i told her i was like i was like maybe if it had been like a russian scientist and i was like i'm gonna

fucking kill you i would have asked you to do it the exact same that's so funny it just happened to be yeah yeah i never get asked to audition for anything romantic which is sad and so yeah jess is always like usually i'm usually i'm being yelled at by someone is my standard audition is her being like you're an idiot me being like i know i normally get that too i get that part and then i once got the nerdy best friend role and i remember i was like it was a movie role first big movie audition i was like i could get this and i get to page 96 in the script and there's a pool scene and it goes like dale takes off his shirt everyone does a triple take he's fucking jacked it said fucking jacked in all caps in the script i was like what the fuck yeah what are we doing what the fuck what are we doing okay my blessing i uh uh i i got these suitcases

a long time ago uh for touring i need some new suitcases i got these big bright yellow ones tova i run it's gross i run so many of my choices of purchases aesthetically by tova i'm horribly dependent on her and this was one of those she's she finds my like of colors she says i don I don't hate it. It's just about making it. But she did not like these suitcases, I could tell. Because I said, do you like them? Yeah. And the number of compliments I've gotten on these suitcases over the past couple months makes me feel so good.

Nothing feels better than when Tova doesn't approve of something and everyone else loves it and I go, I was right. And they're good for spotting. They're yellow. I saw someone try to take my suitcase. They took it, started walking away, and I knew it was mine because no one else has this kind of suitcase. That is. Got them.

Were they trying to rob you? I went up to them. They were kind of awkward like, oh. And so I waited. I waited because I said, well, they must have a suitcase that is bright and yellow if they made this mistake. And they just kind of stayed there. And I stayed there for probably 25 minutes looking to kind of catch these thieves.

And ultimately I decided, okay, I need to walk away. They were just going to rob you. I believe so because they got to have a more suitcase. What a wild thing to rob the yellow suitcase and not a black one. Just take a black one. The amount of times I see crimes committed where I'm like, you could have done it so much easier. There's no reason to – I don't know if you're following this poker scandal right now where this woman cheated maybe potentially. She cheated on a live stream that a lot of people were watching potentially.

But it's potentially, right? We don't know for sure. It's a live stream that a lot of people are watching. Oh, yes. And it's like. But it's potentially, right? We don't know for sure. A person who was working for the video thing was caught taking some of her chips.

And she seemingly didn't care or notice and hasn't like doesn't want to press charges on him. This is wild. Which feels a little bit more like a confirmation that something might have happened. Yeah. This cheating stuff is so. Do you see the fish one? No. Oh, it's... We got weights and fish!

It's an amazing fucking video where it seems to cut these guys who have been winning all these awards. There is someone like didn't believe something was wrong and this guy's cutting open

the fish that they caught. They're filled, filled with big fucking weights that they're just pulling out of the dead fish. Not just weights, fillets, like fish fillets from the grocery store that they, I guess,

stuffed in the fish's mouth to make it weigh more so they win the prize. And there's this guy there with his head hung like this. As people are like, he fucking cheated. Fucking. This guy has won hundreds of thousands of dollars. And they're taking every fish, big weights out of it. The most caught I've ever seen a human. Wow.

We talked. So I on my podcast, which is all about like sports stories. I mean, first off, I've never been more excited to talk about anything. Yeah. Because it's like some weeks it's like it's a problem with us with a specific podcast. It's like, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you're like, I don't know. Another football.

Yeah. Football players are kind of weird. And it was like this week. I was like, we got weights and fish. That's what he does when he pulls out the first one. We got weights. And everyone goes. It's the funniest thing.

I've been yelling we got weights and fish everywhere I go. I can't stop yelling it. It's my favorite phrase. So do you have a blessing to end this thing out, Danny? Yes, I do. It's a sweet one. Everybody hang on. We're ready.

But, you know, I have a special that is out right now called You Choose. It's on YouTube, and I'm very nervous about it and very hopeful people watch it. And when you put out a special, you spend a ton of money and you hire a publicist, but you also reach out to people to do their podcasts or shows. And some people are who you know very well, not responsive at all, seemingly the biggest inconvenience of all time. And it's very frustrating because you're like, hey, you get it. Yeah.

Help me. Yeah. And then there are podcasts that I go on who are extremely accommodating, who want to help, who push it, who literally set up a special time to do it. And that is very I'm very appreciative of that. So my blessing is you guys for doing this because it genuinely means a lot. And I do watch on the other side people just be like, yeah, I've known you for years, but we don't really do guests. And it's like, all right. It's like it's fair. I've been very appreciative these couple weeks of the people who have been like, yeah, of course.

Of course we'll get you on. And let me make clear this was very inconvenient to do i had so much fun though but it was uh you know i i mean i i i was saying we had ariel the other day and i was saying there was like a feeling of like i don't i'm trying to with the sketch team one of our people's moving to la I'm in I'm in a period of like uh a certain kind of very a regular function of my social life is uh is changing and uh and I I go like I have to figure out stand-up comedy you know people I want to spend time with and and and you know it's so hard as a comic you're just on the road and you get to this place

where I said to someone sometimes the most I see my comedy friends the most time we spend together is you know taped up against a lamppost by a loony bin in Oklahoma City

and that's the only time we're together anymore is that they're this weekend and they're this weekend so I was I feel like I've been trying to since we're in the sincere part of the podcast just like be like oh who do I and they're this weekend. So I feel like I've been trying to, since we're in the sincere part of the podcast,

just be like, oh, who do I have good conversations with who loves stand-up in the way that I love stand-up? And so it felt like, fuck, we've booked all this stuff, but I wanted to make sure that we made it happen. And I'm happy that you're here. That's a lot. And so you're plugging that.

What's it called? Say it one more time for the listeners. It's called You Choose. It is an interactive comedy special, sort of like a choose-your-own-adventure. I would use the phrase choose-your-own-adventure, but we don't use the phrase choose-your-own-adventure because they do get upset if you use the phrase choose-your-own-adventure.

I would say it's a choose-your-own, and it is an adventure. Who gets upset? The books called Choose-Your-Own-Adventure will get upset if you use the phrase choose-your-. I would say it's a choose your own and it is an adventure. Who gets upset? The books called Choose Your Own Adventure will get upset if you use the phrase choose your own adventure. Have they been around since? Yes. My first choose your own adventure was Goosebumps.

Of course. Everybody's. It's insane. But, for the sake of argument, but it's a choose your own adventure. Just put it in lip season. It's okay. Yeah, I think that's the word rule but yes but you get to pick you get to pick my opinions throughout the entire special and you

hear that version of it so you get a completely unique experience and there's a big thing at the end and uh yeah please go watch it and enjoy it because it's really fun and uh you know an insane amount of time and energy went into something that uh we could not lose more money on if we tried. So the one thing we ask is just to watch it and tell someone because it really means a lot. Yes. And check out the special before that. Six parts as well. It's also a great special.

Six parts is great. Don't tell comedy. Big fans. Don't tell comedy. Talking to them this week to see maybe. I was almost going to do my special blessing on them, but they are. And then I was like, well, let me do it. But they mean, I mean, I pitched this thing like probably three or four times and I would call my reps.

I was like, I can't. No one understands even what I'm saying. Yeah. Like the idea of choose your own. Like they're just like, what does that mean for a stand up special? And this is the only these are the only people who were like, yeah, let's try. Let's try to make this. Without that, I mean, there's just no way it happens.

So complicated. Russell, anything you want to plug? Uncle Function, Asylum NYC for New York Comedy Fest on Sunday, November 13th. That's right. Yes. And earlier in the night. Six. Oh, my segment now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Here's what we got. I'm going to be headlining Laugh Camp Comedy in St. Paul, Minnesota, November 4th and 5th. Then the weekend after, it's a big, it's New York Comedy Festival. I really got to fill these ones up I will be headlining the Midnight Theater

November 10th 7.30pm ooh theater it's like it's the theater for New York Comedy Festival 7.30pm Jay Jordan

will be opening for me oh come on it's gonna be if you go to see the silver lining that's me working out new stuff this is the old stuff

this is the stuff that's good polished where I don. This is the old stuff. This is the stuff that's good. Polished. Where I don't trail off with. Okay, never mind. And then it's a big week headlining bananas in Hasbro Heights, New Jersey, November 11th and 12th. And then November 13th, we have the live taping of the Downside podcast. November 13th, 6 p.m. to 7.30 p.m.

It's going to be great. Last live one was fantastic. Come see that and then go see Uncle Function after. Uncle Function after. And then I forgot in the midst of all that, I will have the silver lining. This is the show that's $10 and you get to see me work out a bunch of cool new stuff

with two guests that do really great stuff. I did it once. You did it once. It was fantastic. November 6th, 8 p.m. to 9.30 at Sesh Comedy Club. Links to everything in the description. You're coming late then. We're just putting that together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you seem pumped about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, well, okay, you're not going to be in the first four or five things. Okay. Good to know. And remember whether the rabbi removes your tattoos or you have no one to remove your tattoos,

they will ultimately be removed by the maggots when you die. This is the downside. One, two, three. Negative. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi.