The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #12 Bribing a Cop with Period Panties with Emma Willmann

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

Emma Willmann (My Crazy Ex Girlfriend) and Gianmarco have collectively failed the driving test 11 times but Emma is the only one who once tried to bribe a cop from giving her a speeding ticket by offering him unlimited period panties from the period panties company sponsoring her podcast. That company is now out of business but she swears it had nothing to do with the incident. We talk about the downsides of non-realistic strap-ons, opening for Louis CK and honestly the whole cop bribing story should have been enough for you to just listen so I’m not even going to list a third thing. Join The Downside Patreon for ad-free episodes and bonus ones on the 1st and 15th of every month. Even if you don't want to listen to them, it's a lovely way to support Gianmarco's delusions of grandeur. Follow EMMA WILLMANN on instagram, tiktok, youtube, and twitter Listen to EMMA WILLMANN's podcast 'Inside The Closet' Watch EMMA WILLMANN's Late Show with Stephen Colbert set Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, Russell, how are you doing? I'm doing really well, John Marco. How are you doing? I'm tired. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside.

With John Marco Cerresi. All right, thank you. Welcome, welcome to The Downside. Now, we have to talk, we have to, our new producer, Fawn Sullivan, said we have to do a better job. Not we, I'm putting this on us. You,

you have to do a better job. I don't have to do shit. I have to do, welcome to the downside. This is your first time tuning in. This is, this is an interview podcast, but it's a celebration of negativity.

It's, it's, you're talking about unhappiness and kvetching and complaining, but you know, because I just think people put on this happy face all the time and and that's kind of that's the thrust that's the hook of the podcast but like many podcasts that's just kind of the loose premise and it's just an excuse to uh deliver content that has not been prepared um i uh you know i i was thinking my um i was talking to my mom now that you have a thing

i just have a no pad work today yeah well look i am preparing a little bit wow but uh uh you know i was talking to my mom things happen in my life now that i have the podcast and like something happens or i'll hear something about my childhood and i'm like i have two thoughts it's like i need to talk about this in therapy and i gotta talk about this on the podcast okay and the podcast is now like the predominant one. It's not about me self care. It's about, Oh,

let me share this. This is interesting. So my mom, my parents are divorced, uh, notably. And, uh,

you know, there's not everyone knows it famously, hopefully someday, hopefully someday. Uh, but my, she told me this story, uh,

this shows how, you know, you, you, you're just like your parents. You can't hide it but i guess my my dad uh it was like a christmas holiday and my dad rare moment got the family to come over okay and uh everyone was having a good time everyone was having fun and your parents are

together at this point yeah this is before i was born so they're still together and my dad had a rough rough childhood like like the edward albee play who's afraid of virginia well fucked up childhood um and i guess everyone has a nice they were having a nice time and my dad looked at everyone and said why are you all pretending to be happy i love them and was there a reason your mom told you this was it just out of nowhere so no no she told me because like this was she told me separately she said that you know, she was, she has a boyfriend right now. And I guess he asked her, like, when was the last time you were happy? And she realized, and she's telling this because she realized that she's never been happy.

And she was like, you know, I guess some people, and she was saying it in, like, a positive way. Like, I guess some people just aren't happy. Like, and that's, and I'm listening to this, like, oh, this explains, I guess, everything about myself. And I was listening, you know, she called me. I was leaving a show. I was by train tracks. And I just, I had this thought of like, you know, end this DNA. This DNA should not continue.

No, that's an amazing thing that your dad did. Because I feel like that's something a lot of people think. And especially at family things, like things that are like,'s something a lot of people think and a lot especially at family things like things that are like this is a tradition where we all do and you're like no one wants to be here in this moment no one wants to be doing this so I feel like that's an amazing thing just being like breaking the fourth wall of life and being like why are we doing this why are we pretending to do this you know yeah but maybe they were having fun for a moment that's true he meant to say that's true I why he meant to say why am i unhappy in this moment and you're all smiling he

made it about yes he did he made it was he drinking i don't i don't think so thank god amazing if he's stone sober right that's what i i'm not to make bring it no he no he is like he's he's not a drinker wow he's one of those of those people, I think kind of like Trump, where you're like, thank, if you drank, this would be out of this world. Out of this world. So thank God. I have a therapist who said that we're not supposed to be happy all the time. But she said that's a thing. Because she's like, I mean, you always try to be happy, but you should try to be content.

And then sometimes happy, sometimes sad, and have that as a baseline. So maybe that's what your dad was. I also think like a bad therapist could say that too like yeah well sometimes you're supposed to be suicidal we're all suicidal that's it she wants to take the pressure off her like or him doing like uh their job right like oh it's okay like i don't have to help um and i also i'm supposed to mention we have a Patreon. So we have a Patreon. We have bonus episodes. You get all these episodes ad free. And then you get two bonus episodes a month.

It's still very exciting. We're figuring out like what other bonus things we can do. But it's good. It's $5 a month. It's partly just to support the show. You don't have to listen. Yeah, John Marco bought a lot of equipment. And yeah.

And Russell's dog, we should bring this up. Started chemo yesterday. Started chemo. Yes. He's doing really well. Actually, I wanted to talk about, he had a huge poop. And it's been weeks of these little stringy, very unhealthy poops. And he's taken two huge poops in the last 24 hours since having chemo.

And apparently chemo doesn't affect dogs in the way that it does humans. Because he seems actually much better. His energy is like, you know what I mean? Like he's not. Yeah, he's not. He's not at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the poop is very poisonous.

So we had to buy medical gloves. You can't even touch your skin to it. Well, I mean, I think it's one of those things like if he was pooping and peeing into my mouth it would probably do some damage over a long period of time but you know they're they say to not touch it and to not let it get on your skin and stuff uh psychological damage yeah so so uh you know we're being very careful with our gloves and our things but yeah he's doing really well well this i mean he's not doing really well he has six months to live probably but he's like he's doing like he's doing well in the moment of like he seems to be responding and he is um looks like he's better

he's been chewing his bone he hadn't done that in weeks so yeah he's like feeling a little better that's a lot of pressure i mean i feel like do you feel like you're trying to give him the best six final months? Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, we got him when he was older and I said this before, you know, it was just about like, okay, this dog's been in a shelter his whole life. He's a very sweet, loving dog to my wife and I. And he is just likes to be sitting next to us.

And that's it really. Like just be in the house. He doesn't like going the house he doesn't like going outside he doesn't like doing a lot of things he just need likes having people next to him so um yeah we're just trying to give that give him a good end of day thing and and and he seems to be good much better than he was doing which is good well great so i think if we if we reach a thousand patreon subscribers we're at six right now yeah we can help pay for your dog's chemo so we have six months we do not have a lot of time to hit this number

so subscribe folks uh patreon.com slash downside and now let's bring on bring on a fantastic as of so so i've never a fantastic uh stand-up comedian actor uh she she was on Colbert she was on my crazy ex girlfriend she was on Netflix I've given up Emma Willen welcome so much thank you so much they heard you before and I'm sure lots of people are listening just just to hear you thank you you live close I live really close I live and yet you were still late I know it's a gift are's a gift are you are you are you a late are you a late person so funny you should ask here's the thing over the pandemic i've been reading a ton about having adhd which is the first time i've ever read about it i

was diagnosed with adhd i think when i was in high school never read about it it was like i went to a special school for it i was taking pills I went to a special school for it. I was taking pills for it. Which was a special school. Special school for like eight months and a summer program. Never fucking Googled what is ADHD. Never even until the pandemic when I started reading about stuff. And I was like, oh, shit, all these things that are me, I didn't realize were also related to ADHD. One of them is awful time function. So now I have clocks in like every room in my apartment uh that's not true i have one giant clock in a place i didn't used to have it but i'm getting

clocks in every like not that my apartment's that big but everywhere i can look i want to have a clock so but a big part of it is like being like oh i can it's 10 minutes away this is doing the math on what time actually takes because Because when I looked at the clock, I was like, oh, I'm only 10 minutes away. But if I leave my apartment when I'm supposed to be there, then I'll be 10 minutes late. So, you know what I'm saying? Sure, I get that.

I certainly, because we hadn't ridden the subways for so long, when we first started coming back, I totally lost. I have a deep internal sense of how long it's going to take to get somewhere with like the Fs usually, oh, but it's a Saturday. So the F's could be fucked up. And for a while I was, I was missing some marks.

Tova and I went to some workout classes very late. Good for you guys for doing a workout class as a couple. Yeah. It's not always, it's not always easy. Cause I was, I I've done like a lot of classes. Right.

And I think sometimes I'd like, we went to Barry's bootcamp. You'd have been to Barry's? I've never been to Barry's bootcamp. Very curious about that. Cause I've been working out, like trying to work out regularly and i think sometimes i'd like we went to barry's boot camp you'd have been to barry's i've never been to barry's boot camp very curious about that because i've been working out like trying to work out regularly and i'm open to trying new things yeah i mean i like classes a lot i struggle pushing myself on my own but likewise but i would take her to barry's and like i know how it works so i can show up right before right but tova it's like they get her there they bring her in the room there's music there's lights it's like a club

it's a lot. And she, and it was partially my fault, but like she was supposed to start on the floor, but she started on the treadmill. So she was like too close next to the other person on the treadmill. COVID, they separate by one treadmill. And so then, you know, the person had to come in and be like, you're in the wrong place. And I don't think that felt good for her. You just don't want any attention on you when you start. Yes.

Because you already go in feeling like everybody knows I haven't been doing this and they're all better than me or what's going on. So any attention, then you're like, I'm a fraud. And I have a deep sense of like, I'm like, I've done enough classes that I'm like, I know no one is watching me. Everyone is like, they can't believe they chose this to do today at 10 in the morning. But I get that feeling of like everyone's looking at me and i'm like i promise no one is i totally get it it's no one is thinking about anything other than themselves but i used to not used to not ever do spin class because i was scared i was like people are gonna look at me funny they're gonna think that i'm not

i was just picturing all these like hyper feminine women and then me walking in and then being like it's ruined so i wouldn't go to spin class. And then I would bring like my straight friend with me to spin classics. I feel like I walked in behind her to like throw her in first. Look, look, I can fit in. And then when I did it,

it was just like us and two other people and no one was looking at anybody. And you would have to be doing something really weird on your bike. You'd have to be riding it backwards for someone to be like what is that person doing i uh you i saw you posted a video you have you have a six pack it made me feel very shitty here's what happened the only reason that was a special day i had a special day it was a special day because i had because i was doing this clean eating thing and i'm going to start doing it again May 2nd. But I had done it that whole morning and it like really leaned me out. But then I've been getting nervous about doing it.

So I've been like I've been meal prepping and then eating all my meals for like three days in one meal. So my stomach doesn't look like it did in that video. But thank you. Sure. Sure. I have been working out. I have been working out. Yeah.

Trying. Look, if I had a six pack, I'd be like, we gotta do a sketch with this involved ASAP. Now, now, now. I, okay, let's talk ADHD. Cause I used to be one of those. I was like, well, maybe I have ADD. And then I went on a couple of dates with someone who had ADD and I said that, and she was like,

how many times have you lost your phone? And I was like, I was like, lost it? I mean, zero. And she's like, I've lost it 20 times. And I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, just a grizzled. I have OCD. I like colored pencils, and I like it to be like a rainbow in the cup.

I was like, okay, that's, no. Right, that's child's play. I've lost it 20 times. That's a lot. She's just a grizzled ADD veteran. Yeah. Nice try, young man. But you, did you struggle in school? I struggled in school with, but I went to this really hippie, have you guys ever heard

of a Waldorf school? Is that like a Montessori school? It's exactly like a Montessori school. So I went to one of those. So it wasn't really, didn't really stand out there because we were doing, we were doing like block, like, you know, block crayons. We would literally draw with these like certain type of beeswax block crayons for three hours every morning.

It was a fucking mess. You didn't wear shoes in the building. You would greet every morning with a sun salutation. I love that shit. I love that shit too. My parents are super hippies. It's like rural Maine, and my parents are extremely divorced too. Like very like drawn out, messy.

How old were you when they got divorced? Third grade. Third grade. But it went on from, I lived with my dad, my sister lived with my mom, my brother, his mom was like very messy, custody, big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably a big part of, I sometimes wonder if I would have been a comedian if I hadn't had such, because you have to be so comfortable with this function. You know what I mean? I get that.

So then, yeah, you have to be so comfortable with this function to then be like, I already feel okay being the other in a situation. I've been through worse or whatever it is. I get that. But I didn't struggle in school when I was in elementary school because I was at a hippie elementary school where, I mean, we would make apple cider as a class. We do farming so i was doing great then then it would be hard to find add in that kind of saying like you know we're picking apples but then she pulled carrots

and you know it was really right exactly totally they're like and i would do things like i would get in trouble for like if we're picking apples like i'd go off into the woods but they just be like i'm gonna get back here things like that so i didn't start having trouble in school until I was in high school. And then I had a lot of trouble in school. And then I started like acting out and getting in trouble. So you just, you went to like regular high school. I went to special school for kids with learning disabilities, but I had this shitty stepmom at the time. I've got an amazing stepmom who I love now.

But I had this stepmom at the time that like made me go away to this special high school. So I didn't want to be there. So I myself kicked out how'd you how'd you do yourself kicked I tried so hard because they knew what I was doing so I was like I'm smoking cigarettes and they were like we know you just want to you're just walking in and you're you're not actually smoking a cigarette wrong yeah like I'm bad but I would do stuff like that and then I was like I would just try to get in trouble and we know you want to get kicked out and then actually this is kind of funny i threw myself down the stairs but i didn't really want to hurt myself so i did it so unenthusiastically like

i remember there was the stairs that like kind of had a curve and i remember standing at top of it like oh it's like my first acting job that's what it felt like i was like and then i just kind of had a curve and i remember standing at top of it like it's like my first acting job that's what it felt like i was like and then i just kind of lightly propelled myself so there was enough of a thump where i was like this was in the dorm was like and then i was like and then someone ran and i was like i tried to kill myself oh and they were like you fake tried to kill yourself i didn't do a great job but yeah they're like emma you can't three stairs is not gonna kill you there's a window right there totally you need to try harder emma i um okay with so many things okay divorce but they just that i did get kicked out for that because they couldn't just i was that was the thing yeah and i had you were suicidal they were like we she needs a little more she's gonna get the job done let's kick her out let's get It's cause it's a liability You don't want someone

At the school Like playing around with that Then it's on record So then I got to go back To the public high school That's a healthy system You know what I mean And then I got to go back

To the public high school In my town And then I had trouble in school But it kinda It got like shaken out By the end Cause then when I was in college I loved college

Was it the ADD Or was like Did the you know Drawing with block crayons Not prepare you? I mean, I always wonder with those schools. If I had a kid, I would love to send them to the hippiest, dippiest, just sun salutations and hugs. But then I do worry if they'd get to high school, then they go, what the fuck is a pop quiz?

We never had grades. No grades. Everything was like, you tried. You know, it doesn't matter if you ate the block crayons, you didn't do it right, but like, you tried. Even if you didn't do anything, they'd be like, yeah, she held Corpse Post for the whole day. She was there.

It was a beautiful thing. Exactly. I can't tell, you know, it's hard to tell. These systems are so terrible, obviously. But I'm like, well, is doing, do you need a system of grades? Do you need that push? Right. I don't know.

I don't know either. And then the way we quantify the grades is obviously problematic. But it's like I don't have a better solution because it does seem to work for the majority of students. Like I saw this ADHD psychiatrist yesterday. First time I'd ever seen one specialized in ADHD. She was like, everything is set up for linear thinker, neurotypical thinkers. Have you heard of that? Yeah. I've never heard of heard of that and she goes you're neuro atypical but if it if it quantifies intelligence or effort for most neurotypical thinkers and they're the majority

like there's not the funds to then customize everything so i don't know yeah but also the idea of like a an add school also sounds very problematic can you imagine that teacher that i don't know i don't know if it would be labeled that way. Yeah, but you go in and none of the kids are sitting in the chairs. Well, they have special. This school would be like 12 kids for every one student and there would be dyslexic kids. And I remember it was really expensive to go there

and they didn't offer financial assistance. So it was like kind of wealthy kids with add it was a real clusterfuck yeah yeah i mean it's hard like i i did a lot of classes and looking back i'm like well that's weird i would sit on the floor sure and i would be like stretching and like like people would be in chairs and i'd be like well it's more comfortable for me on the floor and i'd be sitting in weird pose like you know just exploring my body and they would let you do that they weren't like he's distracting everybody i think luckily i went to like a slightly cool enough school where it was like we called teachers by their first name yes and this was the school like this it used to be

in the 80s was the big drug school and it wasn't at that point but it was so it's like slightly artistic enough that i could was it for performers i don't know why I did that. No, they just had a good... Sorry, I don't know why I did that in courts. Performers. No, but they had a really good theater department. Yes, yes. Like a very cool... Sure. Fuck off. Did you go to one of those schools? No, no, no. I went to very upstate, rural... You look

like you sat in your chair the whole time. I did. I sat in my chair. You look like you raised your hand. I said, Mr. and Mrs. and I... Yeah, I did. Yeah. It was... Yeah. It was you raised your hand. I said, Mr. and Mrs. And I, yeah, I did. Yeah, it was, yeah. No, it was a very, it was a very cool liberal. I had a good high school. I feel good about that.

I actually had a good high school experience too, oddly enough, when I went back to the public one, because I love my friends in high school and we used to like drive around and smoke pot and just, it was like a good time. I feel like high school and college were the best times of my life. I peaked. I loved, girls always hate, when I'm in a relationship they always hate with like but you didn't hadn't met me yet i'm like i know but the best time of my life was in college i loved college why is that not a good time for for a lot of women i don't know well people will be like they're saying like you hadn't met me or the other

thing is like oh i see so you meet someone and you're like, man, you know what the best time of my life was? Before you. You think I'm happy now. Yeah, you should have seen me. But that's true. I was like, I loved college. Like that was like, that was hands down the best time. I mean, and maybe there'll be that time again. I'm okay if that was it.

What's the best point of your life? I don't know. I don't think I have. Definitely not high school. Definitely not college. I don't know. I feel like, I don't, I truly don't know. But that's good if it's yet to

come it's yet to come that yeah maybe or at some point you're about to die and you go oh it was third grade i don't i don't know if my brain works in that way like i i feel like i'm i just don't know i can't think of a time it feels more like whoa whoa and then stable and you know so right whoa whoa you know just like when i first moved to new york it was like oh whoa whoa you know so right whoa whoa you know just like when I first moved to New York it was like oh whoa whoa you know like yeah a couple years there where I was like you know this is this is bad you know but absolutely other than that uh it's been pretty stable so let me get this divorce uh so your family the older siblings younger siblings let me get the older half brother wiley and his mom was with my dad and his mom cheated on my dad and then my dad cheated on

women after that up until now now he's so in love with my stepmom he's got like a really healthy amazing relationship or he got better at the cheating he no he for sure he for sure i could tell when he it was just like he like found his person and it like all clicked in and she's great i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop because of his other stepmom but then now they've been together a long time and she's just she's great I think it's interesting because I I'm the oldest I have four younger half siblings but like I'm in my mind I'm like the start of the story of my mother's sure being a parent so what is it like so your dad was married to someone else married to someone else married

someone else had a kid yeah how much older is he than you my brother is like i think he's sick fuck i don't know we are not close at all okay oh yeah we he's really i don't know why this is the first descriptor descriptor i'm saying he's really smart he's a genius he's in mensa but he'll like let you kind of know that you know what i'm saying sure he's kind of a dick like he we've how would he let me know that if i if you were here right now what would he i'm gonna go on a limb anyone that knows that they are anyone in mensa and like say like that this sounds like what a non-mensa member would say yeah yeah it's like uh yeah it feels like you're gonna just use that to tell people i think he used to i think that's how i i think i remember him but he was

he's always reading i think he's on the spectrum i think he's a, I think that's how I, I think I remember him, but he was, he's always reading. I think he's on the spectrum. I think he's a little autistic. So he's always reading. Like if he was here, he wouldn't like look at you in the eye. And then this guy must be in men's. So he hasn't made eye contact a single time. Something's going on. And then like, that's like how he'd be like, I, you know, I have to stay intellectually stimulated or something.

So he'd say that sentence. I'm making up that. Maybe not, but that's what I have to say. Intellectually. How are you doing? I got to stay intellectually stimulated. Okay. I've never heard I... I have to say intellectually. How are you doing? I got to say intellectually stimulating. Okay. I've never heard him say anything even remotely like that.

But I'm picturing that's what he's thinking when he's doing that. I project a lot onto him. He actually doesn't even say very much. But I'm just like sitting over there cooking, looking at him. So maybe it's more on me. Does he watch your comedy? No, not really. I mean, he's made a couple snide remarks

where he's like, our hometown isn't really like that. I'm like, I fucking know. It's exaggerated. It's like that ish. It's exaggerated. You know what I mean? That's all he said? That was all he said. No nice words. Just like our hometown is not like that. But he's not really a very flowery guy. I mean, I'll go years not talking to him

and then I'll see him. We used to see each other around Christmas is when we would see each other. And I have a nephew who I'm not really good. I've got my sister has two kids i'm really close with her kids but my brother's kid like i remember being like i gotta go i haven't even met the baby yet and my stepmom was like emma he's four years old now and i was like like that brutal i mean the babies i mean if you miss that baby phase i have a friend who has a kid and especially with coronavirus i haven't seen the kid in a while and i'm like oh it's not a baby at all anymore it's now a little kid who probably doesn't want to hang out with a stranger like me yeah right so okay so so your dad then his wife cheated on him yeah got divorced and then he was i don't know what his olga thanks for adding a name

i know i always think where she. Where does she live, too? 177. No, she still lives in Maine. And she was nice. They had a good enough relationship. They were good about the co-parenting. That's great. And I don't know when my dad met my mom, but they met because they both are from Boston families that they went away from.

They were like, we don't want this life. Suburban Boston. They're both hippies. Moved to rural maine he was a carpenter my mom owned a a landscaping business and he was doing her house sounds sexual nice nice but he that's how they met and then he was with this woman named carol and he dates a lot for rural maine and carol we didn't know if carol was a little person we care car Carol was after your... Carol was during after my mom, but I... During, oh right, during after. During after.

There's some overlap in these relationships, I forgot. Wait, so, okay, so were you the first kid from their marriage? Yes, and my sister's 19 months younger than me. Okay. And they got divorced when you were in third grade. Did you know why they got divorced at the time? I had an idea. It was probably other stuff too, because here's the thing i've figured out with cheating it's usually

indicative of so many other things and it's totally cowardly and once you do it it's just like putting the nail in the coffin on ending it but the ultimate reason like the final straw was this woman carol but i've tried writing about her so many times because she and i remember actually tova watching the set being like why don't you talk about that more carol was 4 11 which is the legal cutoff for being a little person let's just put a note here so tova my girlfriend uh when she worked at girth she worked with you oh yeah and she gave amazing notes but i remember just remember her being like how you haven't like mentioned this before but it was always so funny because she would leave a room and everyone would be like is she like no one wanted to ask if she was a little person, but they'd be like, so is that not that they would, they would ask like as if the visual cue wasn't, you couldn't quite tell.

Cause she was four 11. So it wasn't pronounced enough. So it made you just be like, well, I dated someone who was four foot 10, who was not a little person. Uh, is that I think four 11 is the cutoff. No, I'm pretty sure. She might, the woman I saw, she could get a handicap parking spot if she wanted to. Like legally, there's a height where you can be considered. But I think there is something different.

And it might be state to state because I was trying to Google around. I think it's a state to state thing too. Like in some states, it's 4.8, which sounds totally fucking crazy. And then other places, it's 4.11. I can tell Russell's being very like, I don't want to say anything. No, to be a dwarf. It's just fascinating.

The thing of, I feel like it's very relatable. The thing where other people need to be like, I need to just want to know it's, you know, it's like that human thing of like, for, for whatever reason,

you're like, it truly won't impact any of their lives, but like we all kind of need to know this for some reason. Yes. You want to put it, check it off in your brain. Or my mom didn't want to seem like she didn't like little people but she obviously didn't like carol carol so she's like i hate her that is very that was what i was trying to write about oh my god that's a fantastic that was fantastic yeah and then she'd over

compensate with other little people making you that instead of her i think i could try that yeah i could do that i think it's there's a there's a lot of there's a lot of things where i i always find like sometimes i have a story that's slightly tangential yes make it me and that's actually so smart of you because i was make things about my mom for years that even weren't my mom and then after shows people would be like oh my god we love your mother and i'd be like fuck like what am i doing wrong mom does she ever tour um people have asked me that before they'll be like your mom should have a tv show and i'd be like fuck my mom it's all made up but do you do you know my friend uh gus constanelis do you know him yes greek comic very funny so he like exploded over the year because he started doing an impression of his mom and he does videos with his mom and i just think

it's i talk a lot about and i want to talk about i talk a lot about my father but i would net incorporating my actual father into my career i would rather kill myself absolutely and it's it's uh so you you talk about your mom a lot um and more than your dad like my mom once complained that she's like you always talk about your father and then i talked about her a little more and it was like it was like rough shit she didn't like it well it's this weird thing i definitely know i i had this joke i remember um i said like uh only way my mom knew how to show me love was with hostess cupcakes like if i got a good report card she'd let me have a hostess cupcake for dessert which is why even now as an adult when i do something well i get this intense craving for a better mom and i i remember when she came to a show i had this funny a show, I had this urge to like,

I had this urge to like, do it in front of her. And there's definitely like, there's some kind of just- And with no other audience. Yeah, exactly. Making get out contact. Welcome to the fucking show.

And I just remember like, it doesn't affect her. The only time my mom got upset, one time I made a joke about something where she thought I was calling her a slut for giving a guy a handjob in high school. And, like, part of me was like, oh, the other joke, I was saying you were a bad mom. Right. That didn't bother you at all? Right.

It was the part about me saying you gave a handjob in high school? That's a problem in and of itself too totally you should care about the other thing totally totally you're being a bad mom you don't care about if someone thinks she's a bad mom but i think she's more confident in being a mom than she is in not being or being no i that's a generous reach she's also is listening to these podcasts i realized i took something out of i took something out of uh the last episode we did because i was like i can't say this wait what did you say oh nice try yeah yeah wait so what what would you say the thrust of what you like what's your what's your characterization of your mom in your stand-up

it's totally exaggerated off of the fact that she's super progressive but also super uptight and liberal so she's very proper but also really really progressive but what i've been doing to shift things away from my mom is i've been giving myself like the quote-unquote punch line in it so i used to always and i used to do this with other characters rather like give them the funny thing to say and then they'd be like your friend's funny your mom's funny and i was like so then i think it was me maybe just being nervous to like own the joke so then i've recently been switching it around so like i'll be the one saying it but the character of my mom is just that she's totally over the top liberal but also like super fucking and you have you have a voice for her i've got a it's like this and it's also it's

not just me because my sister and her husband do it we all did it way before and at first my sister's husband kent was like he was like i never got the voice because it doesn't sound like your mom but after spending time with her i get it so she She'd be like, oh, it's nice to meet you. You set this up yourself? Wow. Good for you. I wouldn't put the coffee cup there, but I don't know. It's neat. It's good. That sounds like a 60 to 70-year-old

woman. Did she always talk like that, though? Even under 30? In my heart. Now she'll be like, if people meet me, they're going to be disappointed because I'm like, she doesn't sound like that and i'll be like but then they'll talk to you and they'll realize that you do and she's like what so she she feels like that she feels like it does that make sense yeah totally it's her essence is what it is do you think she she likes does she enjoy hearing jokes about herself does she ever go like please don't say that i don't

get it why why does everyone think that i would it's not what i'm actually like i'm like yeah you're right it's a total character but it is a little sure you know it's like who cares about me i don't know it's it but one time she was at a show and whenever she comes to a show i'll like try to get her like kind of drunk because i it's just so intense having her there we were at new york comedy club and she'd come to three shows that night so she was a little sauced up and at one point there was a pause and i was doing a joke about her and i hear her go guess what like through the crowd i'm like it pierced like it was like a moment of just silence and she went guess what i'm susan cheever emma's mother and i'm here tonight oh my god oh my god and i was like ah give it up for my mom and everyone was like,

what else are they supposed to do? And she was literally just hearing it. And it was like a moment. I remember it was a really good show. It was like Friday night and there was like a pause and my sister and her husband right next to my mom. And they were both like, just hearing her be like, well, guess what?

And I was like, where is that coming from? And then- Oh my God, oh my God. That would, I would- How did you feel? Like, I don't like my parents coming. Like I had, so I, I headlined a standup New York. I did a big bringer at standup New York. And, um, uh, my, my mom was in the crowd and I told the host, I was like, if you do crowd work, you cannot reveal that my mother is there because if they hear me tell some of these jokes, they're so mean that they will not like it. I'm from backstage and the host, the moment he's like, oh, miss, what are you doing?

She's like, I'm a Pilates teacher. And I was like, fuck, that's my fucking mom? Are you serious? First person. And he asked, do you know someone on the show? And my mom, thank God, my mom knew well enough to not reveal that she was my mom. But I mean, I was in the back like, you're about to, and I was new,

I was new enough at comedy that I was like, you're gonna ruin this night for me. I get why that would ruin it for you though too because then the audience would be like, oh, his mom's here so we wanna make sure that he looks good in front of his mom and then that takes them out of their authentic reactions which then they're thinking and it all gets so fucking weird so fucking fast.

So good for your mom for not- Thank God. Thank God, because my mom would have, she'd been like, I'm here to see my daughter, Emma Willman. Your mom will say it without being asked by the host, clearly in a moment of a pause. One time we were walking by the cellar and there's the line there for the cellar.

And I was there later that night and she walks by the line and she was like, Emma's back here. And I was like, no one, one they are there for that they have no fucking idea who i am i just happen to be on the show like it's not even that she was like we're we're going to dinner but she's right behind me that's they're all there to are they there to see you and i was like if i if that many people were there to see me i wouldn't fucking be having dinner with you right right right ever she does stuff like that or she'll say what she thinks of comedians like i remember taking her somewhere once to even just to show her the space and someone was on and she

said like way too loud she's like i don't think they're very funny and i was like they're funny i was like it's they're actually trying to joke like they actually are funny i was like and that doesn't that's not how that works and also like be quiet so she's done stuff like that so i don't like bringing her to shows she talks too much at the show. Clearly. Now, what about your dad? I mean, you talk about your dad. You talk about your dad.

He always asks, who's the man in your relationships? Oh, yeah, he didn't do that, though. He didn't do that at all. Who did that, though? No one ever. I've never seen that ever happen. I mean, my dad would never do that, ever. I feel bad.

I don't know why I said it was my dad i guess it was just trying to like context my dad asked me that even though i'm with women he's like who's the man in this relationship because it's clearly not your dad sounds is he is he really hard on you no he's sweet he's just like i think my dad like talk about coming to shows i think i think like my dad he's the kind where like he'll see me do a show. And then afterwards he's telling me all the ideas he has for comedy sketches. So I think he struggles. And unrelated, like not related to any of the stuff you say.

Good question. Totally unrelated. It'll be like he like has a sketch he wants me to write about like every woman my dad has dated long term. I think he's talked them into getting a boob job wow he wants he sounds really sweet he's and he pays for it okay wow but he's like his big pitch is always it's for years it's been called my wife's boob job and he wants me to talk about it and i'm'm like, this is not my brand at all. What's the thing? It's just about like wanting, you know,

you know when you want your wife's tits to be bigger. Oh, it's like a commercial parody? No, it's like a one-man show. There's not a lot of details with it. How does he propose you? Does he understand that that could be interpreted as not likable? Not at all.

So my dad my dad i do not think he listens to my podcast i i think my dad he's he's a very good looking guy okay and i think he was he was like very good looking for so long that certain things about like needing to be likable he doesn't never had to learn because he's got to know that someone pushing plastic surgery to the point where it's a theme that they do could be interpreted as really problematic.

And I don't know if he's pushing it fully. How many women are we talking about? Oh, God. More than two? Yes, more than two. I've never heard him say to a woman, like Trump, you could be a 10 if you got this right yeah i just know that he i i don't know i love my i love my dad in their own way i totally get it but i think like

i think he's been he was good looking in a way where he could talk to a woman be like you know like say these kinds of things and he was so good looking that she'd go okay sure i'll get the job or he could have been like, I mean, I could see doing it in a way where you just start planting the seeds for a long time. You're like, I fucking love your tits. I love your tits. You drive me crazy.

I want more of them. I want more of your beautiful tits. That's how I would do that pitch. After a while, too. I'd just be like, I love it, I love it, I love it. And then do it maybe in a role play or be like, oh my God. I wish I couldn't fit both of them in one hand. know what i mean yeah yeah yeah do you understand what i just like

planting the seed long enough which is very manipulative and then doing it i could see but it's a tough thing for you to make a sketch about in this day and age too yeah and me it's just very not so he like does that like he'll he'll have notes think my dad, like me, like a narcissism type thing where seeing that much attention thrust onto someone else makes you feel like, well, I could do that too. I want that too. And it's, you know, it's tough when you're the son and I'm like, can't you feel just good for me? But I think he struggles with that. That's why that was such a good question of does it have anything to do with your set? Because if it did, that would be more like he's building on what you're doing.

But if it's stuff that is totally out of nowhere, it's obviously him wanting to express that and being like you're a vehicle for it. Do that. You know what I mean? I think people – there's a lot of people who thought about the arts or who thought this would be great and never did it in their life. And I think there's always an envy. I think that's why people are sometimes so rude to to artists or be like you know what restaurant do you work at because there's a deep like oh you know i've had ideas too oh my god i hate the ideas yeah i mean the the i mean we've probably we've talked about this everyone talks about this but like the thing of like you know because we do sketch comedy together

the amount of times you've been at a thing and like some family or thing or like something dumb happened like water falls over just giving you material right right what would i do with that right what would i i the water falls over then what happens next right what like there's no way to go like you're not funny because that was me and you're like i fucking You're like, what? Because that was me. And you're like, I fucking hate you. People do the thing, they're like, my life's like a comedy. I missed the train this morning. Or they'll be like, my life's like a show. And you're like, the reason you think your life is like a show is because it is your fucking show.

You understand that? Like, your life is your show and the people in your life are the characters in it. But why would that be of interest to relate to anybody else in any capacity? To be fair, though, that's what we but also totally yeah i think about being a narcissist all the time and i was obsessed with i was convinced that makes sense as a narcissist that's what i said but then i dated a therapist and she was like you are not a narcissist you're just so neurotic and i was like you don't know my thoughts and she was like because i was worried because i was like i was like i would lay awake and i'd be like just tell me if i'm a narcissist

because i would want to change a little bit like just let me know i want to know and she was like, I would lay awake and I'd be like, just tell me if I'm a narcissist because I would want to change a little bit. Like, just let me know. I want to know. And she was like, she said, no dice. I think I'm a narcissist. I mean, clinically, look, these definitions, especially narcissism,

like there's a clinical degree of you cannot perceive other people. You have empathy though? Because I do worry about- I'm not sure. Of course I have empathy. Yeah, but so that kind of knocks you out of it.

According to her, and she was- But I sometimes have to stoke my empathy. Like I'll have to watch the videos of the soldiers returning home to surprise their kids at school and i'm like okay that's all that works other people matter yeah i but you probably will be like you know like i'll i am always looking to understand where people are coming from like if someone can explain to me where they're coming from i'll pretty much my judgment can and forgiveness can be given very liberally if someone was like I did this fucked up thing

It was inconsiderate. Here's why I did it You know, I didn't get told I loved was loved enough as a kid pretty much almost anything. I'll be like I get it Sure, do you feel that? Yeah We should all just talk about this with our therapist. I don't know. It's just like, you know, I read there was a book I think it's called sociopath and you know The guy joke that when he was writing it everyone everyone asked him was like, am I a sociopath? And it's like the theme is like, if you are worried about the question, you're not.

Right. I like, you know, I see what Ted Bundy did. I'm like, that's not good. Bad. That's bad. But interesting. I can agree with that. You're definitely not a narcissist.

No. You can. Well, I mean, everyone has varying degrees of it I mean you know I'm of a certain degree of narcissist and I think like okay

but you're a good friend to me yeah I'm telling you I think it's more you gotta accept what you are and know where your shortcomings I know I can be very selfish and so I have to remind myself

like and I think like my sketch team there's like a group of new guys in my life and one woman who I was like, be birthdays. Do something for the birthday. I would have to soak the empathy on that too for me.

I'd have to be like, okay, this is important. Be there for other people. Don't just be like, I got to do this for this, for that, for this. But it's also like self-preservation in terms of like trying to make it in something where you're your brand. You know what I mean? Because when I worked, before I did stand up, was like obsessed with it whatever i was trying to do and i remember going back into when i was going into entertainment i was like okay so i'm gonna become my work and i'm always obsessed with work so now it's like me obsessed with me so it's like it's about to get

a little weird you know what i mean yeah um i want to ask about this dating a therapist uh i have to remember we have to do a commercial break and it and let's hope it's for a therapy. And we're back. It definitely was not for therapy. I don't know what you just heard. They put it in automatically. Yes. So you dated a therapist.

Was this the therapist you were seeing? Please no. No. Thank God. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? I mean, I do imagine every fucking day. You do.

Are you really attracted to her? No, I'm not attracted to my therapist. If she said to me, like, I would adopt you. I'm like, I see her as like a parental figure. There was one time, she's very, she's not insanely strict, but she does not talk about herself a lot. Which she's not supposed to do. Which is like, some people are like, I'm in a fight with my therapist.

I'm like, what? It sounds like this is is but one time i was about to get surgery i i had a i got a hernia from death uh dead lifting in crossfit collar and before the surgery i was very scared sure first first surgery of my life and i asked her at the end of session like can i give you a hug and she said yes and i've never asked for it again because I feel like it is a special thing. If she had said no, I would have been very hurt by that. Absolutely. But she was like, yes. And I gave her a hug and I think about it every second.

It's very normal from being in a relationship with a therapist for people to put their therapist on a pedestal, be attracted to their therapist, or to put their therapist in the parent role. That's like super common.'ve always said i've always wanted like a mommy therapist and i need a daddy therapist now like if i had the money you know chris rock had some interview where he was like he was like he does seven hours of therapy a week and he's like everyone should do this i'm like right yeah yeah you right right yeah seven hours right get a personal chef it really helps and you can just have more time for therapy all right seven hours get a personal chef it really helps and you can just have more time for therapy and you're like alright seven hours

yeah he said that recently and he still the interview he still seemed pretty miserable that is like the thing of like that thing about

yeah everyone should do this is the same thing as when celebrities lose a lot of weight for a role and people are like how did they do it and you're like

well they had someone they had four months where someone where a team of 12 people were just staring at them staring at people do the crunches for them just like pushing them up and down so that was their job how do you start dating this therapist how did it come about and it was so interesting dating the therapist because and she was an art therapist are you familiar with those uh yes i've heard of some some art therapist that's like the one where it's not real okay that's what everyone says but I learned so much about it.

I appreciate it. I've learned, that's what everyone says. Like, oh, you're just going to draw your feelings away. But what it would be is they're trained as therapists. And then they have like an additional training where it'd be like, if someone had a certain amount of trauma in the talk therapy, one tool that they are trained with could be like, okay, so it seems like whenever we talk about your dad, you're like, nope.

Would you want to draw your dad? And then I don't know what, you know, then someone will draw like a penis and they're like, okay, so it seems like whenever we talk about your dad, you're like, nope, would you want to draw your dad? And then I don't know what, you know, then someone will draw like a penis and they're like, did he make you touch that? I don't know how it works, but like that's what I'm picturing would be like. Then you wouldn't need a special degree to be like, why are you drawing? But you know what I'm saying. I went to college. I think this penis.

In the mouth with you, something. Well, my first, I had some bad therapist when i was a kid or maybe i wasn't into it but what she would do she just i didn't want to talk to her right so she'd give me action figures and i liked playing with action figures i still would if i could sure but but then she'd be like oh so the green rangers hitting uh goku is the green ranger your stepfather and are you goku and i'd be like nice try. Nice try, bitch, no. Nice try, bitch. So I'm sure it's very helpful. You had bad therapists as a kid?

I did. I had a, well, I had a psychiatrist in high school and he used to just prescribe me stuff constantly. Oh my God. It was really nuts and I remember looking back and I'm like,

that was a little weird and so I Googled him and he got disbarred for having an inappropriate relationship with one of his clients and he was sending her money and she was living in his house and I was like, I knew she was living in his house.

And I was like, I knew something was fucking weird with that guy. But I also really liked him. And it wasn't sexual or weird with me. We used to get caught. He would come up and visit me in college. I liked the guy actually a lot. I feel kind of bad for him.

I feel like we're about to have a breakthrough here. I loved him. I mean, I liked, his name was Fred. I liked Fred, but obviously he was kind of not a good- What kind of medications was he giving you? He was giving me, I would just sit, and I can say this now because, I liked, his name was Fred. I liked Fred, but obviously he was kind of weak. What kind of medications was he giving you? He was giving me, I would just sit, and I can say this now because he's like lost his license. I would sit across from him. And my problem is what I used to do with therapy is I would, I would nick away at trying to get to know them too.

So I'd be like, well, how was your experience with that? How are you doing? What do you think about? What are you? And someone who's good at big, Emma, this is about you. But if someone. My therapist says, why, why are you interested about what I did this weekend? Exactly.

And you're like, I'm just trying to be friendly because I don't want to start the conversation cold. I'm like, so how was your weekend? And then they'll be like, fine, boom, next to it. So Fred wouldn't go find boom. He'd be like, well, blah, blah, blah. And then I'd be like, oh, well. And then I would start like...

But I was like in sophomore year of high school. And then he would give me his book of medicine. And I remember like looking and being like, wait, I feel stressed. Like, I think I have that. So I was going on.

Oh my God. You'd like a catalog picking out your Christmas wishlist. Like, Ooh, I'd like this medication and this medication. Yeah. So I was on like bipolar medicine. I'd never been tested for that.

I know it was crazy. And I, I remembered like not passing my driver's test like eight times, which I think was because of eight times. Yeah. That beats my record. I was like four and I'm humiliated.'s so humiliating and i always thought it was because of dyslexia because i couldn't do the parallel parking but then my dad was like no you were in

a stupor because you were on all those meds and i was like yeah that's what it was but i think it was a combination of the two are you a bad driver oh i can't drive you can't i can't i mean i have a license but it's because i parallel parked once in 2006 couldn't agree couldn't couldn't relate more i cannot parallel park. It's fucking brutal. So do you drive at all? I do drive, but no parking. There's no, well, as I drive.

You just keep going until the gas stops and you're like, I hope it stops by the time. It's why I was late. I couldn't fucking, I just had to drive out of the car. I gotta get a new car every time I go somewhere. Do you drive to like club days and stuff? I tried, I love driving but it's gotta be some place

where like the parking is like, like there's no, parallel park is not happening. If I have to walk so far, like there's just no, you know what I'm saying? I cannot parallel park. I wonder why you can't parallel park.

It's not just, I mean, I truly like everything that I'm bad at, direction, everything about driving and I reached a point where I was like,

I guess I'm not gonna drive. Right. But you can do it. You can do it. It's just gotta be calm. No, I would have point where I was like I guess I'm not gonna drive right but you can do it you can do it it's just gotta be calm no I would have to no you would have to I thought about it

during coronavirus I thought like I thought you know when stand-up comedy gets back I thought like maybe I can succeed at comedy enough that I become a headliner

and I have features and the feature will drive me yes and then with coronavirus you know I was reading all these articles everyone's gonna go backwards or whatever

and I was like you're not gonna be a headliner. You're going to be hosting at Bananas for the rest of your life. And you need to learn how to drive so you can be a feature for other comics. But then I decided no. Good for you. I mean, there were times I was just like, there's so many comedy opportunities that I just, I was like, well, I guess that'll never be. My thing, colleges, I have to bring an opener for to drive me there.

And I guess it's okay. No one's ever been like, well, you can't do this college because we don't want someone doing 10 minutes before. Right. And it's probably better mental health wise to bring someone. But also like when you're like doing colleges, I remember there was a while I was doing them, but I was like the lowest price point too.

So I'm like, I'm paying everybody out. Like what? It's just a lot. It becomes a lot, but you could drive to them because I would drive to colleges. I could not. I couldn't get on the highway to save my life yes you could i promise you can you you really this is how i would die so i i mean if you do die from that i'm gonna literally kill myself because that how awful would that be if there's a cut about just do it just make a bit out of it and you'd be fine i uh i'll practice with you you can do it

would you really but i would i would i would practice with you you can do it would you really but i would i would i would practice with you if we had a car i know you can do it because you know what it is too people aren't going all willy-nilly they all don't want to die either so it's like you're just you're in it together i know you could do it there's a google right now people died over the course of this podcast you're not driving every day but if you add to a few times i think you should try to do it it's really now okay so as i say this yes i was driving around to colleges did i lose my license for one year from some incidents that happened whilst i was driving to colleges yes was it safe sure what kind of incidences that you lost your

license for a year so this is what happened so i pulled off of the highway in wyoming and i was speeding like crazy and then this cop bam gives me a ticket and he's like contest this because otherwise it's going to be criminal speeding try to get it knocked down wait the cop says this cop said this nice guy contest this he said contest it he was like i got you right pulling into a school zone we're a pro cop podcast this is more money more this guy this guy that sounded really convincing more money more cops he was just told me to contest it so then i hired a lawyer i just googled lawyer byron wyoming this guy pops up he's like send me 500 bucks i'll contest it i do it i never think about it

year later i'm speeding i'm running really late to a show i get pulled over and the guy was like you have a ticket out like you've never and i was like no i thought this fucking guy contested it and he was like who and i'm like i don't i don't know i have no idea so i'm like going through i can't find who i had hired i called another lawyer in the area i was like i called this guy i'm like we've never heard of this guy and i was like i swear he said he was a lawyer like i looked him up it was lawyer byron wyoming they're like the town is like 800 people never there's this person that's we don't know what you're talking about and i was like fuck so i lost my license because of that and

then i was driving without a license for a while and then i got pulled over and then i really lost it and you lost it a second time i lost it like like it like then i shouldn't have been driving but then it was like i was like in big trouble and i almost got in trouble for trying to bribe the cop emma willman i know what did you try to bribe a cop i didn't know that's what i was doing so what so this is what happened i was just giving him some money i was trying to i remember i was i was like late and i really wanted to do the show and i was like look i'm really just trying to make it an entertainment he was like look whatever you're trying to get to is not happening and i was like the destination tonight or in j i was always looking for signs i was like oh you thought

the tree is like look you're never gonna make it so just stop driving and stop trying but i didn't really take it that literally but i he was like you're not making the show tonight and i was like okay so then he goes back to his cop car and i got out of my car so this is obviously very white privilege of me oh my god by the side of the highway in upstate new york i get out of the car and i walked to his vehicle and i was like and he's like you cannot like get back in your car i was like i just want to say this real quick i was like just one thing just one second hear me out hear me out real quick and roll down your window roll down your way i'm sure i was like can you just yeah so then he was he for whatever reason i like got the spiel out.

I was like, I'm trying to make it an entertainment. And I was doing a sponsored podcast at the time for this underwear company that was like a woman's period underwear. And I was like, I get all these free underwears. Like, I don't know if you have anyone in your life that would want one of those. Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma. I love it. It wasn't even money. It was period underwear.

Yeah. Dear Kate underwear. They went out of money. It was period underwear. Deercade underwear. They went out of business, not because of this. Was this a male cop or a female cop? He was like, what? It was a male cop. He was like, I was like, it's a special type of underwear that's like, it's like $40 a pair. I was like, I can get you as many as you want.

I was like, I was like. Oh my God. He goes, are you trying to bribe me right now? And I was like, ooh. And he was like, because you're being, and then he like pointed to a camera. He's, are you trying to bribe me right now? And I was like, ooh. And he was like, because you're being, and then he like pointed to a camera. He's like, you're being watched. And I was like, I'm not trying to bribe you. These cops are so nice to you.

So nice. Contest the ticket. You're being watched. Just so you know. Just so you know. And then I said, well, whoever's watching the offer is good for anybody because I'm just trying to make it. Emma, Emma.

And I got in trouble. He was like. Oh my God. And then I went back and then I was sitting in the car and I was like, I was like oh my god and then I went back and then I was sitting in the car and I was like I could see how

that looked bad but I lost my license for a year after that that was bad that is so funny you should be in jail right now I know

I don't think I've even told that story really since then I've repressed it oh my god I was so naive this was maybe six or seven years ago

it was when I was doing all these colleges and I had gotten pulled over before and I would get out these colleges and I had gotten pulled over before and I would get out of the ticket. I had a whole spiel. They pulled me over. You're speeding.

I go, ah, I'm trying to make it. I'm trying to make it in show business. That was my line. They go, what do you mean? I go, I'm trying to be a comedian. I'm just running around. Like, I hate my life. I'm really trying here.

Now, to be fair, I once had to get, it was like a jury duty thing. And I'm not proud of this. What'd you do? You should do jury duty. No, but I just did like, it was right before Thanksgiving. Just before standup. But I did the proud of this. What'd you do? No, but I just did like, it was right before Thanksgiving. It's just before standup,

but I did the thing of like, I have an audition for a Broadway show. And, and they really, they're like, Hey, nail that audition tomorrow. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. So some people have that, that reaction to show business. Absolutely. And it was, it had worked too many times. So that's probably why I was so confident to then be like,

Hey, I really am trying to make it. Like I have a podcast with a sponsor. You want some underwear, that type of thing. And then it was like this. So what for fucking period underwear too? Like no one even wants that ever.

The company went out of business. Like no one, the pitch, it was all fucked up. So I lost the license. You have to explain to the cop what a period is. All these things. Where's the blood go? Well, wicks it away. But I don't know, but you. You'd have to explain to the cop what a period is, all these things. Where's the blood go? Well, wicks it away, but I don't know where it goes technically.

You should get your license, though, because you're not going to do those things I just said. And then it'll be so empowering. Imagine that moment when you pull onto the freeway. You know what I'm saying? You're right before I crash. I don't think so. Let me tell you what happened. So I had to do, at least in Maryland, we had to do six six hours uh three two hour sessions with a driving instructor yeah special time and they have their own gas pedal and brake pedal and i clearly got someone

who like was clinically like depressed we did not have that they had their own gas and brake pedal that is insane they had their own gas and brake no wheel idea and like never heard of like clearly these people there's no way you enter that profession as a stable like your whole job is to get into cars every day for hours with new new new new drivers i just want to die yeah so we're going on the highway and he was just like mean and like i was anxious in a way where like the the anyone being mean to me like entered a deep place he could literally control the control that is so and he and it was more about gas than brake it was more about about like, let's, you know, let's keep going. So we're going down the highway. It's the first time on the highway.

This is, I wouldn't want to drive either. This is traumatizing. This is totally traumatizing. This probably might've been what stopped me. And he starts going, he starts pointing at places that past students of his had crashed and died. Wait. No, no, no.

I swear to God. While he was in the car. I swear to God. While we're in the car driving on the highway, he's like, there was a prom night and someone. Wait. No, no, no. I swear to God. While he was in the car? I swear to God. While we're in the car driving on the highway, he's like, there was a prom night and someone died there.

No way. At least twice. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. And maybe he meant it as motivation or like, you know,

this is why you need to be careful. And that's what he said? This is me like driving. I'm not one of these people like do-do-do radio. I'm like shaking about to shit my pants

and he's like, yeah, someone died there. Someone died there. Why did he have so many students die? He wasn't a good teacher then. Well, that was the second part of it where I was like shaking about to shit my pants and he's like, yeah, someone died there someone died there Why did he have so many students that he wasn't a good? Well, that was the second part of it where I was like, maybe I need a different teacher And I was so I was so basically I did like two sessions with this guy and then I like stopped for like six months Yeah, I was gonna do my third session and this how scared I was of him. This is humiliating But this is so scary. Like this is 100% like 100%

verified this isn't something that anyone would be like oh you're overreacting this is insane yeah that is insane and so you it's not like I chose this guy you got a random person so the third time six months later I did it uh who drives up to the house it's him and I went to my dad's girlfriend at the time and I said uh can you can you I can't do this? Like, I didn't do it. They sent him away. Yeah. Because I was like, it was something about those two hours. It was like an existential horrifying.

He was telling you where people that were doing what you were doing had died and it was more than one of them. And you're young. Those guys, though, they are, I feel like when I took my first driver's test, same kind of energy, he didn't tell me people are going to die, but I did fail my first test. And I remember being stressed out about the older man in the car. He had an energy that was like very intimidating, very scary. And then second, my dad in my head really warned me ahead of time.

He's like, there's one street in Sydney, this town where I was taking the test, that is a one-way street. And it really got me going, and in my head, I was like, oh God, I gotta remember that one-way street. It's different than all the rest. So at the very end of the test, I go onto the street that I think is a one-way. It is not a one-way.

And I go to take a left turn, and I go into the left lane and this old man's like he's like what are you doing what are you doing and i was like get back over and then i like went back over but like too far and then i'm like i like hit the curb a bit on the right side and and i failed the first time i did but it was because my my dad was like freaked me out about the one way street and then this man was like freaking me out too he was just you know he should have been more chill like he should be like more like prepared i mean i did pull into the left lane traffic yeah yeah but it was a small town no one's driving so

it's still less traumatizing i feel like the guy you were with was maybe some maybe he's totally tone deaf or like some sadistic person that was like out to get you i think sadistic i mean and also like it's the same part of this is that when they pick you up you then uh drive whatever kid he had before is in the car with you you have to drop off the kid prior to their house did all his kids die was like it's empty because they died they died they died they died they died everyone died just hard i mean it's i think it's hard to teach driving like my parents obviously talked like they they had their own issues sure but like it's got a like my dad used to help me and then one time i made a left on red without left on green without waiting for the the opposing street to come through and like, you know, almost got hit. And my dad like pull over.

Right. And he's like, he's livid. Cause we almost got into a huge accident. He's scared. And I didn't get scared. I got, I got into a riding.

I think I'm also like, I have PTSD now. I was in a, I can't say which company it was, but one of the ride sharing apps. Cause I got, I got money. But they got into an accident and thank God I was behind the driver and not on the other side in the back.

Was it on the interstate? No, it was in DC and we, we got hit, T-boned. It was totally her fault. And I was right by, I was about to do a spot at Draftthouse, and I felt very cool because I got out of the car. I was okay. I got out of the car. I went to my spot immediately. Went to the spot at Drafthouse.

I was like, hey, I was in a car accident, and I need to take pictures of it. Can I do my spot right now? And they were like, yeah. So I went. I did five minutes, and my head's ringing. I'm in a different place. And then I went back.

I took pictures of the accident. Jesus. And, uh, and I found my glasses, my glasses had flown off. They were shattered. They look like I should have been dead the way my glasses looked.

But because of that hit, I still get flashes of, and I think if I drove, I'd feel this all the time where I'm crossing the street and I imagine a car just, I think of the car hitting me in my head, smashing against the window. That's so scary.

It pops into my head. I get that. Cause i've known people who have been in car accidents where it's like they have ptsd from that yeah did you have a good set that night i had a killer i was gonna say i was a fucking badass because probably your adrenaline was pumping and in a way i would almost hope you didn't have a good set because then it's like you're like thinking like okay i gotta like recreate the moments before this yeah yeah because i'll do that sometimes like if i have a good show i'll be like okay what did i do before i need to redo that but luckily if i needed every time i was in i was like fuck i'm taping i'm taping tonight show tonight right take an uber right make sure request or whatever specifically request a lady i um that's a joke i uh i so So if you told me you were driving somewhere.

Yeah. Based on all these stories you just told me. Yeah. I got to be honest with you. Wouldn't go. I wouldn't get in a car with. But I wouldn't. I've never been in a car accident.

Just criminal speeding. And one time I did hit a rock, but I was stoned out of my mind. Not that that makes it better. I don't drink or smoke anymore. I was in high school. I was super fucking st stoned and i remember we just like been smoking in the car me and a bunch of friends reversed it boom hit a rock and we were all like oh got out look the car was totally fine the rock had been moved and we were like why is the car fine and then the next day my dad he came in he's like i don't know what happened to your car because i saw it was

fine last night but the front bumper and the back bumper just fell off and i was like crazy and i got out of it so that was the only like little car thing i've been in and one other thing yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't get in a car with you to save my life but i've been with some scott we i had uh i think she'd be okay with me telling this about text uh there was something a story with carmen lynch where she was headlining somewhere and something something with our driver was clear, we shouldn't drive back with this person. It's a whole other story. But Carmen Lynch, she drove us back instead

and I just don't think she's driven a lot. I can see her being a very cautious driver. But it was rainy, this car was not great, and it was dark and she at one point turned into a one-way like off the highway, a one-way. And like had to do a three-point turn. And there's one point in the three-point turn where i'm in the passenger seat where i'm like i'm i'm the first to be hit right and i was like i was like you know when you're with a stressful driver and you almost like you're like okay if an accident happened i would leap over

yes i grabbed the wheel move her feet out of the way oh my've never thought that. You're grabbing things like, and you can't do anything. Powerless. But you have a thought like, I'll undo my seatbelt really quick. Sure. I jumped over to the side. You've been traumatized.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe it's not worth it to relive, to force yourself trying to drive, but I feel like the accident's one thing. The guy, you could like, that guy was just on one. Bad egg, bad egg. I do think there's a certain degree of like, okay, one thing, the guy, you could like, that guy was just on one. Bad egg, bad egg.

I do think there's a certain degree of like, okay, I need to be successful enough that the ride is covered. Whatever propels you to go after that, I'm all for that too. You know what I'm saying? Because like, it's a slippery slope when you start being like, well, maybe I'll just like not try to be as successful and like buffer it with this. Go for it. The gold. Go for the no driver. So I want to read that you dated this therapist

about a year and uh was that i i can't even imagine what that would be like for me to date it made me respect therapists more and the reason is because i had to see all the work her and her therapy friends did to like keep now this was a bunch of therapists that did a lot of work in themselves so like maybe other therapists aren't that good. But they would do, her in particular, she would do so much work on herself so she could be balanced out to then be a good therapist. And I didn't think about how expensive it is. So, they're renting their studio. They're renting their space. They have to pay for supervision and pay for this and then pay for their own therapy and all this stuff.

So, that's why it made me think, oh, I see why therapy is so expensive. Because they have all this fucking overhead yeah so it made me respect it more and also see like you know if she had stuff in her life going on she would like need to like do all these therapy appointments so then when she goes into therapy she can be like I'm a vessel to work with you and I was like I respect that sure was she getting I've only once maybe twice my therapist makes it very open like if i need her uh last minute i can call and i've only done it like twice in my life yes likewise with mine for sure but like was she getting a lot of those calls not a ton or if she and she wouldn't talk about any of her clients

with me which is totally she wouldn't even do it anonymously sometimes she would do very vague things but i like listening to someone else's world when I'm in a relationship. And that actually was a problem for me because I remember dating someone and she worked at an office and she's like, you don't want to hear these stories. And I was like, yeah, I fucking do. This guy she worked with, wife was always putting him on a diet. And I was like, what's happening with the diet? What's happening with that? I want to hear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like I want to hear these sneaky bagels. What the fuck's going on? And I just like we want I want to hear stuff that's like outside of entertainment. I'm hungry for it. You know, just like office like we want i want to hear stuff that's like outside of entertainment i'm hungry for it you know just like office drama fucking i want to hear about it but she wouldn't talk about our clients and i wanted to hear about them i figure the rule is when it's if it's anonymous if they're allowed to talk about i don't know what the hippocratic oath for therapists maybe could have more maybe she thought that like then i would go talk about

it other places and then well that's the problem as a comedian i mean like right it's she would say good little lines like i remember she said once this isn't her line but she would like put therapy lines in a good time she'd be like emma you can't always start at the finish line because i would get so frustrated with like projects or acting things and she'd be like you always try to start at the finish line you got to start you know you're just gonna start somewhere and that's a good one and she would say i think that was the only one i really remember actually was it ever tough where you get into arguments and she'd be like well you are projecting you are doing this she was too good at arguments and

she'd be like because she'd also say she's i'd be like okay fine you're right she's like no one of us isn't right you know we're in this together and i'm like you can't even lose an argument you can't even lose an argument because we're never having an argument then we went to see a couple's therapist oh you can't lose because you're never having that's fantastic this couples therapist we saw was like a therapist that only therapists got access to and this woman was incredible and i actually wanted to keep my relationship with my girlfriend going to still get access to this couple's therapist this woman was brilliant and like you only could get an appointment because you only saw other my girlfriend going to still get access to this couple's therapist this woman was fucking brilliant and like you only could get an appointment because she only saw other therapists

or you had to be in a relationship with one i'm just so interested like you know how there's like the comedian's comedian yeah like is the therapist therapist yes the best therapist there is the best she's in the west village and you know what was weird okay she obviously had a facelift that didn't go well and i couldn't believe that i was like damn so she's a therapist and i asked when i was like i was like what's up with her face though she's like well she had a you know it's not a big deal she had a facelift and i was like that didn't go well i mean there was like a big problem with it and she was like yes but like that's not why we're in there and i just couldn't i was always cooking about that because i was like i

can't believe it's not even basically that's the one she's like this master therapist super at peace but if you bring up the facelift she'd she'd lose it or that it's not even. They say that's the one. She's like this master therapist, super at peace. But if you bring up the facelift, she'd lose it. Or that she's not even addressing it at the beginning of meetings because it was so. Emma, you think every person she's going to meet, she's going to say, all right, right out the gate? I would hope so. I feel like she'd be like, okay. It didn't go great. We all see that.

I'm aware. Just to clear the air. In comedy, if you have a physical thing and you want to address it so the to the audiences and wondering so i'll just think that she would want to be like before we get into therapy i think about mateo's all the time where mateo just right he starts a lot of sets he's being like obviously i'm gay and he moves on from there and he's like let me just let me just do it be done with it that's the toughest i always have the toughest time figuring out that opener where can i can like address how i look in like a fun non-threatening way that's what takes me the longest time to write. Because once I get that, I can start working a set around it.

But that is tough. And his is good with that. Yeah, it's interesting. I never, like, I don't feel I have to do that. I'm happy for you that you don't, because it's like a weird mind fog. But I think because people assume, just assume, straight white guy. If anything, I can play with the fact that some people thought I was gay. Sure.

But other than that, there's nothing I have to address. Right. And then it's also, you don't have to build the bridge of being like, okay, these are the preconceived thoughts of that. Like I wanna show like, oh, I'm also like, I'm friendly, I'm man friendly, like. Do you feel any sets, like, do you feel like you just are,

every set you always have to address being gay? I'll try to address how a way, how I look, and usually I'll have to like maybe tie that into being gay but i'll be in the ideal way it doesn't have to be like the joke i had that was the best about it was my name's emma willman but if i say it too fast it sounds like i said i'm a woman so sometimes i'll meet people and they're like i was pretty sure i like something like that because it's like boom boom boom boom we did how i look haha it doesn't have to be tied to anything yeah so that's the ideal but i haven't had like recently I've been trying to like get into it with

stuff that isn't any gay thing, but then sometimes I feel a little weird. Like then I'll notice like when I do address it, there'll be like a tension release. And so I'm like, well, I don't fucking know what I'm supposed to do. Yeah. And also it depends on crowd. I mean like, you know, like LOL, like, like a touristy spot like you know you deal with people who like they're not they're still homophobic in a very bad way but then for those crowds sometimes i look like like a straight person in whatever town they're from do you know what i'm saying and that's almost like hoofs to the looks of their street not that i'm not saying i got great features but if i'm if i am representative i mean they're fine if i and i feel like i can say that because i live

like a fat kid and stuff but if if i am representative of the average straight girl in your town to me like that would be a little rough you know what i'm saying yeah yeah so sometimes i'll do those like places and then they and then I don't ever address I'm gay. Or when I do, they'll be like, oh. And that to me, I'm like, what? Sure, sure. You guys are ugly then. That's what that means.

That's what it means. I'm like, woof. Where's the prom queen in your town? Tell her to go to Sephora. Before we move on to the segments, since you were talking with Tova about Accutane yeah I figured there'll be a

huge undertaking downside of you got ADD acne divorce parents yeah I was always really lucky as a kid too

though like I always had anything I ever wanted like like I was very like taken care of like I got to go to summer camp and stuff like that

sure but then you had no friends because of the ADD and the acne I uh like i was very like taken care of like i got to go to summer camp and stuff like that sure but then you had no friends because of the add right i uh are you use accutane well i heard i was watching i watched all your stand-up things you know just yeah i appreciate that and you were talking about what was it was it birth control to help with that okay so you're supposed when you take accutane which i avoided forever because it's supposed to make you really depressed it says suicidal thoughts are a possibility Which but so many things say that but I had heard With Accutane it really and I was like what's that Song where it's like don't push me I'm close to the edge like I was like

Don't push me with the suicidal thought like like I'm already Like let's not tip the scale So what I ended up doing was micro Dosing on it and it was awesome I totally Is that medically sound It was the doctor recommended it He was like. Really? Yeah, he was like, we're going to put you on it longer, but you have to just take a

smaller dose. I've only heard microdosing in terms of like taking shrooms and shit. So with Accutane, you can. I guess some models do it that like just, and they just do it for life because it keeps your skin just like glowing, but not good for your system. Really? Not good for your system. Like long term?

Yeah, because it's so harsh in your system, but it makes your skin like like if you don't have acne and you take it you look it just makes you glow i recommend accutane if you're struggling with acne yeah sure it's tough i mean there was there's occasionally i think we had one kid at my high school where like the kind of acne where it's like all over their face sure and i didn't have it in high school i didn't have it in high school thank jesus yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah does it ever go away does it ever like people hit an age where it's just like

it came I got it when I was in I think I started getting acne when I was in New York so like 25 but it was so it's the worst I hated it

especially in 20s because it seems like unusual unusual did you ever have acne yeah I did but it was never that bad

it was usually like one or two on the face I can show you that was kind of weird really bad for for a while and then it went away makes you self-conscious when you yeah but they make you prove that you're not going to get pregnant if you're someone that can get pregnant say there's all this stuff so you have to fill out all these forms like and you have to take a vow of you either take a vow of celibacy or you have to go in birth control

and so i was like i'll take the vow of celibacy or you have to go on birth control and so i was like i'll take the vow of celibacy but i was like isn't there but this doesn't apply to me like you know i'm gay and they were like they called a vow like that's very religious talk to me steeped in religion because i was like this i said the same thing i was like this seems a little problematic that there's not a gay option they're like well because some people say that they're gay and then you never know what's going to happen i was like well i promise you i know what's going to happen and they were like but you never know and i going to happen. I was like, well, I promise you, I know what's going to happen. And they were like, but you never know. And I was like, here's the thing.

I was like, so if I do get pregnant, you never know. I was like, that means I was raped. So do we really want to earn the side of the rapist in this situation? And they were like, I'm just the admin, you know, and I was like, please, please don't put, don't do this to me. I am not paid enough to answer the moral conundrum you just which is fair because i brought up that up to the doctor and like someone on the telephone but i was like all right i'll play your game i'll sure i'm gonna be celibate fine but and then i was like very self-conscious

about all the nurses and doctors and they're thinking i was never having sex so my last day on accutane i was like just so everybody knows i've been fucking for a little bit of this just so everybody knows having sex and they were like get her out of here but I failed the um I failed the celibacy test so every month you have to take a test to say I am not having sex and you have to show that you understand what it means to not have sex so this is straight sex it's like they'll say you know if the penis like does this and that then does that can you do this and that so one of them was about pre-com like and it was logic so I was like okay yeah pre-cum you can't get it near you you get pregnant but i guess i i failed the test enough times that i got locked out of the system so i had to call it

i was like i what did you fail what did you fail it would just be questions about like proving that you knew how to be safe make you pregnant and you were like questions like that you're like nope this is all for acne medication all for acne medication Could pre-cum make you pregnant? And you were like, nope. This is all for acne medication? All for acne medication. But pre-cum can make you pregnant, can't it? Yeah, I think it's rare. But I think maybe there's a small contingent of society that goes like, he didn't blow his load inside me,

so it's not sex. Right. I don't know who was writing their test, but I must have failed some other questions too because they were like, you're blocked out of the system, you have to wait five days. Then I was like, fuck. What did blocked out of the system you have to wait five days then i was like i just i just what did you fail what could you have possibly failed it's funny i have on my phone the questions where it's

like i could go back and probably figure out which ones they were but i failed it enough times that then i called into the doctor's office and one of the nurses was like get in here like i'll take the test for you i was like thank you i haven't had sex in a long time don't worry i can pass yeah yeah so she would but it would just be like basic straight sex questions but I watch like I feel well versed in straight sex

because I watch tons of straight porn like me too so I would think I would know how to answer them but I failed

you watch tons of straight porn tons more than more than lesbian porn I only watch straight porn because sexually I like to self I like to always like

role play that I'm a guy so I like I always I've never watched lesbian porn in my entire life sometimes i'll watch gay guy porn i love really yeah i love this one muscle bear one and it's because the i like watching daddy like like i like watching someone get pounded out so i like there's just one daddy i really like because i like the picture being this guy because i like the way he pounds out his little fucking twinks thoughts it's interesting we talked about porn a lot in the strapless are you a lot of strap-ons tons very strap-on oriented but i won't call him strap-on but i guess my dick's my cock

yeah you know i'm romantic how many different do you own i've in my life so many but like now this particular time the most recent person i'm with i I don't know. I bought a lot of them. Seven, maybe. Maybe five. But we only really rotate with three. Are they realistic looking? Are they colors? Yes, always.

No colors. No, always realistic looking. Oh, realistic. Yeah, of course. I think that I would be that way too. Yeah, of course. But like realistic, like there's a vein? Yes, as realistic as humanly possible.

Oh, wow. Then why do you have so many? Why not just one if they're all the same? Because I like, there's one that's like for pack and play that's fun but i also like role playing different characters i'm the dad i'm the uncle i'm the stepbrother i'm the doctor i'm the this something they have different cocks like the doctor has like one of those ear pieces on the balls or something well it's like if you're playing a sketch comedy character you have the same wig exactly everything exactly it's like oh no here comes which role has the biggest cock oh i don't know i would say

probably like the preacher or the doctor wow because then it's like the biggest cock because but it's also like the dad brings the daughter to the preacher to and then he she's like talking about how the dad touches her and then the preacher goes and fucks her or something like that so it's like the more transgressive it is the big full scenes you're creating full movies actually i mean these sounds like they have your sex life has log lines i can't take credit for them because i'm i'm in such a good sexual situation now that we like create the environments together but i have been in ones where it's how much you you you you coming in and do you have outfits oh you're asking

how much i was coming oh and i was like i was about to think about it but I was like oh I don't know no I know you failed the sex quiz I'm not asking any and how much are you coming that'd be but that'd be very sweet of you like are you how much are you coming though

did she say oh father David no we don't I'm so sorry no we don't do any outfits I mean but it's like I guess I would that would be fun

you do the outfits I did once in high school usually the girl does the outfit I had a girlfriend in high school where we were like we were so new to sex. We'd be like, let's do outfits. And it was so weird because it was like, all right, you're my secretary. She was my secretary.

And I'm like, I'm 18 years old. Good for you guys. What am I doing with the secretary? But it felt so weird because it was like, she wasn't a great actor. And so it was just like, she was wearing a pantsuit. Sure. And then she took off the pantsuit. Right. And then she took off the pantsuit. Right.

And then we proceeded with what we were going to do anyway. You know what? It's about the time and the consideration you both put into wanting to go there. But I like it best if you kind of like more talk out the scenarios and you're like having sex while you're like talking them out instead of having to go into full on acting. You know what I mean? And in these scenarios, are you a man? Always. Always.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah always always but that's just what gets me the most like into it that's that's why i'm not usually with lesbians because i feel sexually restricted with lesbians i've been with plenty of them but i like i i like someone that's like you're like oh how do you identify and they're like well i'm and then i'm like got it sure you know what i mean with the cogs i think the one thing is like the do they have ones that get harder? Because I think that's part of the experience is like, you got a chub and then it's all the way where these are like, you're rock hard from the get.

They have ones that you can like. Father David, you are. Father David. Your nine inch cock is fully erect. They have ones that you can like, they have like all different ones they can, but that's probably the biggest thing. And then also like making it so like the ones that's can like They have like all different ones they can But that's probably the biggest thing And then also like making it so like Like ones that's like biological

The temperature would be with the body temperature But with the other ones What do you mean? It changes? It adjusts? No, in like a biological one would But the ones that are not Like you can get like different like lubes that

You know There's just a thing I mean there's certain also not great things Where like if you had one where like Yeah, the balls really drop if it's hotter like that would be like you don't you don't need that right you mean you don't necessarily want all the aspects of yeah yeah yeah because you you gotta when you wear shorts you gotta have it like you gotta right around and if you or if i come then i can still like keep fucking the person which is that

would be fun if there was a feature where like if you got too into it or if you come then i can still like keep the person which is that would be fun if there was a feature where like if you got too into it or if you came it would be like well then it's done and i feel for biological guys so much of that because i'm like it's hard it's like a lot of work with your body and the thrusting it's like so many things going on and then it's like yeah and if someone comes like you can't help it you know what i mean like what i mean you can but it's like i hate when i hear women if they say like oh that guy came too fast michael che has a great joke about that have you heard it what it compliments to the chef yeah yeah that it means like you know you did great right that's uh right well i i went through i i went through a thing where i first started having sex

where like i i was coming too fast and then and then like how could you know because i wasn't in proper therapy like then i stopped being able to get it up and i thought my dick was broken blah blah but uh i think one of like the greatest lessons i learned was just like oh you can if you're about to come you can stop having sex yes and just do other things like something so simple that if i could go back it'd be creepy at my age to go up to 18 year old me but i'd be like you could just stop fucking but that's hard to do for 10 minutes right and then go back in there live and learn i mean that's like a that's tough to of course like you're so excited to be having sex like you know what i mean yeah

i wouldn't be too hard on yourself about it you should be happy that you're having i was too soft on myself that you were sexually active from that young and age is good it shows good people skills you know what i mean because getting someone to have sex with you is like a whole thing when did you when did you come out did it feel like a specific thing um i came out when i got to college and it felt like i was in like i'm sorry um when i was in uh i would say like the second day of college and then when i saw like really second day of college. And then when I saw like really. Second day of college. Yeah, I was ready to come out. First night. But then I started seeing like hot, attractive, feminine lesbians.

And I had never seen like, you know, and it needs to be attractive by any standard. I'm not into the, oh, that's cute for a lesbian. It needs to be like. But, you know, but then I started seeing ones like that in college. And then I was like, oh, all right. Like, let's do it or later and they'd say go away or whatever it is but then i would start like that's when i started dating was in college i i remember the first time i i hooked up with someone who who identified as a lesbian i had a

really butch friend stephanie and she used to let guys her sometimes uh it was she was the first person to to uh to put a finger you know and good for you guys i think for her it's just a matter of habit and right right uh and then and then she wasn't she wasn't fully into me and i like found that i was like really into her but then i was there was a certain degree of relief of like she's into women absolutely but then she got with a fucking boyfriend and i was like fuck no what the fuck really like you know that old trouble of like i turned her fucking boyfriend and I was like, fuck, no, what the fuck? Really? Like, you know, that old trouble of like, I turned her into a lesbian. I was like, I, I made her like guys, but not me.

That's not what I wanted at all. I totally see why that would be more frustrating. Is she still with the person? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I don't think that I, I turned it, but, but I think, I think she, she's bi. Right. But like she was, had been with just women and, just women, and there was a real sense of relief.

Sure. I've always found, I don't know if all guys are like this, but I think I am a more feminine in the spectrum of whatever. I never know what, like, using the binary terms to identify my characteristics now feels dated, but I still find myself with have more feminine men you're able to express yourself and unfortunately people associate that with femininity yes too bad but but in the traditional in the spectrum like all i know is that i feel like there's been many women

who are lesbians or who are more masculine in that old way of looking at things and i'm attracted to them because we match in that oh it's so much about yin and yang or i'll have so many i've had like like straight friends be like well i'm the more masculine energy in my relationship and i'm like no you just are assertive and into your career and know what you want and you're associating those things with masculinity sure but that's like a faulty but it's like but you always want the yin and yang of i think because if it's two people with exactly the same energy, then I don't even understand how that would work. You know what I mean?

I've known women where, I talked about, we did this show called That Bachelorette Show, and I played this guy, I was replaced by Vinny in the Jersey Shore. Oh my God, wow. The character was Giovanni Giovanni. And it was like real, and I was just gross and disgusting. And after the show one time,

this woman who was like way out of my league, just a different world, was like really hitting on me. And then we went to the bar after and I put on my glasses and I asked her like, how was her day? And like, it was over.

Really? And for a moment I thought like, could I stay in this character? You were like assaulting people when we would do the show. Yeah, the show I'd be like, like I did that the whole time and I'd be like,

oh, you grew up on a chicken coop because you should know how to raise cocks. Like shit like that. And that was the line I did every night. And, you know, it was just so clear that she was into that. That's so interesting. And I was like, oh, I know some women

who just like, they'll never like what I'm putting out there. And that's life. And that's life. But it was just very funny because she was like into me and I was... I never got that in that show.

What was your character? His character. It was just like fat slob. It was literally like... What did your t-shirt say? Something about being chubby. Chubby guys. Chubby guys.

Snuggle better. Cuddle or something. Those descriptors are so... I mean... Can be so disheartening. It was, what was funny too is that like,

when we were doing the show, all the other guys, at first, when they had, I guess, a little bit more of a budget, they would all, all the guys would take a limo

because it was like an interactive show. Did they not let you in the limo? No, no, no. I had to walk from behind the theater on 42nd Street like around an avenue.

So, we did the show full time around the year so like i would be in my my costume was the same so i'd have shorts and t-shirt on and a fanny pack in a fanny pack and i have to walk in new york city streets in the winter why wait why would they not give you the limo too they wanted me to wait in line why as part of the show interactive but no one i can tell you no one in the the year I did the show, not one person in line said, hey. It's the guy.

And I didn't be like, no, no, no. I was just like, you know, I would just wait in line. Miserable. And so when we. Maybe if they built it, the bouncer would be just like, get out of here, fatty. We're going to let you in here. And you start crying. I remember one time, too.

Remember that when we were doing it and the person in charge was like um he's like and maybe you know when you go to the microphone you could just like i don't know like pop your butt crack out or something and i was like i don't know how i would do that like i i was like i don't know i don't know how or why i would do that um but uh 90 i will say once the show started uh 90 of the audience was lovely to me not in that way entry but then 10 were real sometimes people would say awful things it's like a terrible it would be a weird thing like you know i was playing a weird fat guy and like what would they say one time this woman said um um i was i don't even think i was like i was talking to her friend in the thing and it was

doing the thing and it was not like and she was like she's like we don't even think I was like, I was talking to her friend in the thing and it was Deuce doing the thing and it was not like, and she was like, she's like, we don't want to talk to you. Why don't you go find a fat girl? And I was like, and I was like, I thought I had. Did you say that? Russell, good for you. Good for you. I was very proud of it in the moment. What did she say?

She, she, I just walked away. Cause I was like, it was just one of the, it was like I'm very proud of it in the moment. What did she say? I just walked away. Because I was like, it was just one of the, it was like later on. Oh, Russell, I've never. It was later on the run. It was just so, it would be. And not that there's anything wrong with that. No, no, truly. What the fuck?

Truly, like, I mean, I'm fat. I hate her. I'm fat. It was just like one of those things where you're like, what are you, why? This is a show. A sadistic monster. People are drunk. Like, what are you talking about?

Wow. Like, this is, it was a bizarre thing. And that would happen like once every few shows there would be someone who would say a very weird fucked up thing

just cause they felt like they had agency over you because you were performing yeah they were like cause I'm a loser like in the show I'm a loser and they're like

I'll play into it too but like it would be like too mean it would be so mean and I would be like I never was genuinely I was never playing like that cause like

my character was like a sweet aloof person in the show. So it was like a very weird thing. It was a kind of show you're walking around. Once a woman grabbed my stomach, and I wasn't supposed to be the chubby character. She grabbed me like, a little too much spaghetti for Giovanni Giovanni.

And I was like, whoa. I did not like that at all. That's not cool. One woman grabbed my butt in a way where she was inside me. She grabbed it it was a yeah

we have to do a whole episode on that I know I'm ready to burn that bridge what was the show called That Bachelorette Show I feel like I've maybe seen that there was an improv

that was very popular called Awesome 80s Prom where it was like interactive and it was all the characters from 80s shows and this was like trying to recreate the success of that

but with That Bachelorette Show and that's how our sketch team was born it came out of that show but it was just like at a club uh you're playing this character and it felt like oh i'm in a play in new york city and like there were some nights in there where i looked at these like lights flashing and i was getting into my cupid costume and i thought like what happened right that was the most time in my life i was like what i right i do have to say when you uh one funny story about that show is when when you left the show and and um the guy from jersey shore uh vinny replaced you big replace i mean big replacement um but it was still how people introduced me when they're done on stage really no there was like a 10 minute window where i had to wait with just him backstage

for whatever reason and it was funny because we would talk and and one one of the shows he was telling me about like he went to this porn convention he hooked up with this porn star and he was like telling me about it and so then and so like the next time i saw him i asked him i was like oh you still you still talking to the porn star right and he goes where'd you hear that from is that going around on the blogs and i was like no no you literally told me that but he was like he was like acting like it was like sure the the page six you've been talking about it it's just very funny like no one cares no one no one cares like we're here doing this and yeah i probably have to go in about five minutes.

Okay, that's fine. Let's just do This Has Got to Stop for you. I have the cues. This Has Got to Stop. Emma Willman, what's got to stop? Oh, God. We'll do ours next. Is it supposed to be things that got to stop that I'm doing or just in life?

Anything in life. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. It's okay. We'll talk for a second like one of the things uh uh that we it's well you got it you read the email i read the email i know and i did i thought it would just come to me oh really that's what you thought yeah that's what i thought has anything in life worked out like this for you no no no wait something i don't

like that just gotta stop well okay this is the first thing that just came to me go for Something I don't like that's just got to stop. Well, okay, this is the first thing that just came to me. Go for it. I don't know if it's a good one or not, but I got to stop chewing into stuff and then pulling back with my neck because I fucked up my front teeth. That's why I have this retainer in right now. So I'm a bad, the chewing, what's got to stop is that they don't teach the most basic things in schools. Not that kids should be taught how to chew, but I want to know what basic colors go together.

What are taxes? Why do we have to pay pay them how do we have to do it and also here's like basic etiquette not fancy dinner etiquette but like when i chew something for years i'll go like that and my teeth are all up because of it and then i got veneers and then now one of my tooth popped out the other day because i had a quest bar that i froze then i went to bite it and it was muscle habit and i went and i went and then popped the tooth but the tooth was already fractured because i had done something i don't know how you learned to bite like that i know that's how like if someone bites something off a tree like i know i'm crazy and i like to eat with my hands but i was i've noticed it over time because i was like what are these fucking tooth problems and then someone else

pointed out to me like when you chew you chew, you have too much neck muscle. But so if something's got to stop, it's that we don't get taught stuff like that in school. Fantastic. I mean, I got it. I don't know what school. I just, you know, schools definitely teach taxes. I feel like that's the thing your parents need to teach you is chewing. I kind of lumped my weird thing in with the tax thing to try to give it like, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give it some validity but and then the last thing is uh this is a you better count your blessing so uh so just so we can get you out of here we'll just we'll just do you what's something that you are are thankful for a blessing in your life right now uh the the more specific the better okay this is what i've been so thankful for recently great i'm so thankful about i've been getting my steps in like i'd say for like six or seven months and i'm so thankful for i've got three people in my life where we do step accountability and at the end of every night we text each other there's our steps or they text me theirs and that's so it's just such night, those little like interactions like that can

just make your day and your world like so much better. Cause sometimes it's like an afterthought and then sometimes I'm like, this feels like the only thing that I've been able to like actually do today that feels good for me. Here's my steps. How are your steps? And just like little things like that can just make your world so much better. So I'm thankful for the steps. If you're able to get in steps, I really encourage trying to do steps.

What's your, what's your goal? 10,000 a day. Do you count your steps uh no i do do you count how many do you do so i was doing i realized in covet it was very bad me too um and so i since january i've been aiming for 75 to 10 yes a day you can do it and yeah yeah i mean it's been it's been much how many miles is this uh four five or yeah it's like it's like four five yeah you do it and yeah yeah i mean it's been it's been much how many miles is this uh four five or yeah it's like it's like four five yeah you do it easily it walking like between here and then they walk around for sure i go to greenwich and then back here easy i've been that's probably like 4 000 steps now i'm like always clocking stuff for steps so i've gotten since things have

opened back up i've been getting way a shit bunch of steps now but then in covet i was getting no steps yeah so i love getting in my steps and also doing the step accountability with people it's just like a nice and then i'm really it's her birthday day karen fian lives near me and she works out a lot and i started saying let me know when you work out let me know when you work out and just knowing when she's going to work out makes me go more likely to go work out so like little things like other people being healthy and surrounding yourself with them and then me helping so i'm thankful for that that she lets me know that we work out together it's nice it's nice to have a workout buddy we can start sending each other steps how do you calculate your iphone just my phone yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna just do it for day see

what i do okay i think i get addicted and be like i got 15 000 i bet you get a lot of times where you get like where you're like um you know, finding reasons to do it. You're like, oh, I didn't hit it yet. So I need a thousand steps. And you're just like moving around your house a lot. Yes. Like doing stuff. Sure.

I've done that. I've gotten in like eight thousand just like pacing around when it's cold. Yeah. And especially if you're not in New York, like or no, even in New York when it's cold out. Fuck. I remember being on the blizzard and I was like, I gotta get my stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Well, anything you want to plug really quick? I'll be in an upcoming episode of The Good Fight, and I don't know when it'll air. Yeah. I need to watch. I love The Good Wife.

It's a really good show. I like The Good Wife a lot. I like The Good Wife, too, but I had only watched one episode of The Good Fight. It's good as well. But yeah, that's what I got going on. And my Instagram is Emma Willman, and thank you guys so much for having me.

I appreciate it. Watch Six Pack. Russell, we have a sketch show. Sketch show. A couple tickets. What day is it? Some tickets left. I appreciate it. Russell, we have a sketch show. Sketch show. Couple tickets. What day is it? May 21st. May 21st.

At Asylum. Just find me online at all the things and I'll post it. But I should say that, you know, this has been a nice, very lovely episode.

Yes, thank you guys so much. And no matter, you know, how excited we get about the steps, someday we will take our last step and then we'll die.

Thank you very much. One, two, three. Downside. Downside. There we go. So we give Russell a tough time. Russell named his cat after Louie. Pre-everything going down.

It's complicated. Exactly. But John Margo likes to at least once an episode bring it up and try to make it look bad. Yeah, try to get you cornered saying something. Well, Emma has a great bit about, she opened for Louie for quite some time. For how long?

Well, about two weeks. Two weeks. You have a bit i do i do yes it's my favorite joke i have that's your favorite joke i think so what is it look i never what's the what's the premise of it he never he never masturbated in front of you yes and then i have i say that it was there's the me too movement and then there's not me and i really have a hard time thinking of like clever word things which is tough as a comedian um that it takes me that long to think that stuff so with not me i was like so that's like yeah yeah i like that um do you see him do you see him still i see him around he looks great he's been intermittent fasting oh really yeah does is it ever do you ever feel like a stress of like oh i made a joke about you i've thought about that a

lot because i'm like i wonder if he would see it if he would get mad but that would be so crazy because of like the amount of things he jokes about and i yeah i really try like for a while i had was inserting a little line in it where i was like you know it's complicated and if yes means yes and no needs to be no but i'm sure there's things we don't know nothing funny there I was just trying to like wedge things in in case he ever did see it sure like I would be looking around and be like and you know I'm not here to judge anybody and like whatever happens there might be things we don't know who's to say you know who's to say but and then the audience would be like who are you what is going on so I kind of nipped that out but i i have thought about that i feel like it would be okay joel has seen me do it and

his wife has seen me do it and afterwards i've been like you think that's all right and they said they think so you would hope i mean as a comedian you get so big you're like well you are a big celebrity now so people are gonna joke about you you're big you're an entity you're known absolutely i i uh do you not want me to include any of this you can anything i say is fair game i wouldn't do that sure i wouldn't i wouldn't i wouldn't like i wouldn't put you in there but i appreciate it i thought you just said like i wouldn't do this because louis will you know him he he puts the kebab on a lot of careers i uh He's one of the eight Patreons. No, I had this thing.

I mean, I'm sure you've had things with, you know, you've been doing comedy longer than I have. I had being scared about a comedian. Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules. Wait, I know that name. He played Hercules in that old series, and now he's like a super conservative. He was like the star of God isn't dead. So he, he,

I know the name. He put out a tweet that was something like wearing a mask in your car is like wearing a condom in bed alone or something. It was some kind of analogy joke. And I retweeted joking like a Mark Norman voice. Cause you know, Mark Norman has a lot of these like very clean analogy jokes. So someone sent that to Mark Norman and saying like maybe I was making fun of Mark.

And I don't know Mark super well, but we know each other. So I wake up one morning and Mark messages me like, hey, Kevin Sorbo is a clown. You making fun of me or something? And I was like, fuck, no, no, not at all. I'm so – but, you know, some comic had sent it to him. And I don't know if the comic meant to start this, but Mark thought I was making fun of him. And I was like backtracking. I was like, I'm sorry.

No, I wasn't making fun of you at all. But I get very nervous. Of course. What would they think you were making fun of? Because he was doing an analogy. So you were basically saying like he's doing an analogy. I was making fun of his joke writing. And that's where he thought, that's where he was insulted that I was being like, oh, look, another lame Mark Norman analogy.

Like that's your guy to just fucking stick it to all the time. And like you're like, yeah, they make analogies like fucking Mark Norman. But it wasn't, I mean, the analogy the guy made wasn't a bad one. So I took it as you're like making fun of him, Kevin Sorbo, trying to then- Kevin Sorbo is just like, he's just like a piece of shit. Right. Like he's just like a piece of shit. Right. Like he's always, he's cancel culture type. But I don't know, all comedians make analogies.

I certainly have jokes where sometimes you're like, that's like if, and like the bottom line is you cannot avoid it. It is just one of the things about life. You compare things to other things. Yes, totally. And Mark Norman's very good at it. He's very good.

I'm so curious what his writing process is like. I bet he sits writes oh sure i bet he's a sit-in writer or he i or he like he like sits i bet he sits and writes i wonder if he listens to his sets i'm always dying to know what that's you just described my process i'm a sit-in writer you're a listener and i'm a caller and and runner buyer ah see i call my sisters like people who are not comedians i'll be like yes yeah i try to be more of a sit-in writer but it's like so i have to force myself i'll do it and run her buyer. See, I call my sisters, like people who are not comedians, I'll be like, yeah. I try to be more of a sitting writer, but it's like, so I have to force myself. I'll do it now, but it's like, so against,

I used to walk, I used to be a walk around and talker to myself. Uh-huh, sure. And then I would call, I should call my sister. She's really funny. She'd be a good person for me to run stuff by. We just don't have the habit of it. All right, so let's start this podcast.

I don't know if we're, who knows what we're gonna do with this. We'll probably just leave it in like this.