The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #133 Poles to Poles with Caleb Hearon

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

Caleb Hearon joins (for a second time) to discuss why poles to poles isn't gay (and neither is holes to holes), how to judge livestock, buying a house in Kansas City, how we all do our own versions of gender-affirming care, and what happened to Roseanne. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Caleb Hearon on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok Get tickets to Caleb's shows at https://linktr.ee/calebsaysthings Get tickets to our next live podcast recording on April 24 at Sesh Comedy in LES: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-downside-with-gianmarco-soresi-live-podcast-recording-tickets-582276232887 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram See Russell in Titanique in NYC! E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the downside. That was a really bad start. That was a terrible start. Russell and I took an early flight here, but we're here with three people who auditioned for the role of Uncle Crunchy coming out soon on Jumpstart CBS. And which of us will get it?

Which way are they going to go? I did not audition for that. Neither did I. You didn't either? No. Oh, really? I didn't know you turned that one down. I actually don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, you do. You got Uncle Crunchy. What is that? He was a cop on a TV show. On what TV show? It's an audition. No, I didn't. I know you got this audition.

I swear to God. I know for sure. Sorry. This is sometimes when they're about to do a TV show, they'll send out opportunities audition. No, I didn't. I know you got this audition. I swear to God. I know for sure. Sorry, this is sometimes when they're about to do a TV show, they'll send out opportunities to tape and you can potentially get on the show.

I swear I thought you had an audition for it. It's like a police officer in a sitcom. No. And I wrote back, I said, given all the tweets I've said about the police, I don't think it's right for me to audition for this. I auditioned for a police officer recently, but his name wasn't Uncle Crunchy, I don't think. Was his name just Crunchy? You just don't remember.

Sure. I mean, he doesn't say his own name in any of the lines. Are you guys responding and saying no when you don't tape? I do, but not everyone does. For a voiceover, just let that shit slide. If you don't get it from me, I don't say back anymore. I just don't respond. I like that.

I think I'm going to start doing that. I always tape everything, but I'm still like... You're still pretty new. No, there's been, I think maybe one voiceover. There's definitely commercial stuff. Voiceover feels like a lottery ticket. I'm done with voiceover. I'm not doing that.

Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. You don't want to be in a children's cartoon anymore? There's one voice over when the line was like, hey. And I saw the list of signups. And there were 500 actors in New York City. And I said, just give it to the sound guy. Who gives a fuck?

Truly. Yeah. My name is Jim Marcos-Arezzi. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels. Hi. Yeah. My name is Jim Argos-Arazi. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels. Hi.

And we're so lucky to have a very rare return guest. The only person we've ever met. Because he never got to meet you. Yeah. And Caleb Heron. Welcome to the show. This is so special. This is so special.

You weren't here last time. You didn't want to hang out with me. No, we were in LA. We were in LA. No, it was not. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. No, it was not. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. It was in a studio in LA, Third Wheel Studios.

Oh, it was! And you know why I didn't feel like it was in LA? It was because it was in a big building. You had me go to a big building. And I thought we were in New York. In my head, I've always imagined we did it in New York. But we had a lovely time, and I'm so happy to have you. You're in New York for shows. I'm in New York City, baby.

You were at the Bell House on Friday, Bell House tonight. How was the show on Friday? Well, I killed, and that's always good. That's always great. No, I'm kidding. It was a fun show. The openers were super cool, and the audience was fun, all that. The Bell House is when it's sold out.

Oh, yeah. It's great. It's great. Fun. A woman came up to me afterwards. I had two funny interactions afterwards. There was a group of thin people waiting to talk to me. Brag. Do you do separate lines at your shows?

I want to start because this big fat woman cut in front of all of them and said fat privilege and just cut them. I was like, I would die for you. She was incredible. Then a thin said came up to me and said you know you should have a podcast have you ever thought about it i thought she was a fan i was like oh thank you i mean you know who knows and she was like i'm a podcasting agent and tova my manager slash your girlfriend

is sitting right there and his manager and your manager and tova's sitting right there and goes oh oh and so she was like trying to assign me to a podcast deal, I guess. Wow. However that works. Damn. Look. If she's still looking, we are free on that front. Is it a separate thing?

This is what I don't understand. You know, everyone's making it up as they go along. I just got with a YouTube agency. And it's like, one day the managers will realize how much money they're leaving on the table. And learn how the internet works. To take it back. They'll be like, you know what? Enough of these paper headshots on our desk.

Let's try to update to the new century. We had some interactions with people after our show, too. We did. We had some fans. Well, you do have a podcast, number one. Used to. Oh, that's done? I you do have a podcast, number one. Used to. Oh, that's done? I stopped doing it a while ago.

Oh. Yeah. I've been checking my email every day for an invite. Bring me on. Bring me on. No, I don't do one anymore. I'm so glad you got to meet them, just like real fans. Fans.

Yeah. They'll come up and go like, they've been listening since day one which means it was very touching but also if you are a fan you can tell a nice story about being like it always the few i've met has been like i have the worst job in the world i hate it i get paid no money and the only thing that's preventing me from killing myself. It's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure. It was really nice to meet those people. The one guy it took a turn. Careful. Don't insult our two fans

in Houston. You're getting real loose with the fans. These ugly fuckers at their dead-end jobs come up to me. It took a turn in the show. We asked them to open up. We did our This Has Got to Stop, and we opened up to the audience. And this person said, British people.

He just said British people. And Steph unwisely wanted more information. And he's, what do you mean? And she said, I want them to stop existing. And before we got into any genocidal ideas, we moved on, fortunately. Well, he didn't say he wanted genocide.

Good fan. No, he didn't. He didn't want them to exist. Well, he didn't say he wanted to make them stop existing. He said he just wishes they would. I think that's okay. Russell, I turn on your light uh uh but let me say we were at the airport so we flew we travel it's a new thing for us and you made the mistake you ordered a fancy coffee at the starbucks i didn't order a fancy

coffee i ordered cold cold brew black oh that was it on mobile that's it that's it oh on mobile and and well because i thought it'd be quicker it was a long line so i and there was and yeah i had to leave it there we had he had to leave it there. He had to leave it. It was one of these where like, it was going to be 45 minutes for that coffee to come out. The guy making the coffees, he, what are you doing? I'm putting on your light. I just said it.

Oh, oh. The guy making the coffees, I was there waiting probably 10 minutes. I saw him make, in a 10 minute span at a coffee shop, I saw him make one coffee in 10 minutes. And he took a phone call. And he took a phone call. I love him make in a 10 minute span at a coffee shop. I saw him make one coffee and he took a phone call and he took a phone call. I love him. I love it. Also, we got to get you into the lounge. Why are you out at the store? Well,

we're Delta. You're Delta. Delta boy. We had to do United. Yeah. Oh no. I'm also a Delta guy. Yeah.

Delta isn't great for LA or to get to LA from New York. Uh, no, I would do jet blue if I was going straight. Yeah, but they don't have lounges. No, but well, no, and I can't get in. I do have a, yeah, you're right. No lounge if you do that.

I have the American Express. I can go into the Centurion lounge, but that's not always in the same terminal. One of the best things that ever happened to me is that Kansas City just built a new airport. Their old airport was horrible. I'm there all the time, obviously. And the only lounge they have, they never had one before no lounge now they have

one lounge and it's delta which is my place so i'm feeling really powerful that's great yeah though i'm getting i've been i've been flying a lot and that delta lounge it loses its lust every breakfast is the same yeah yeah it's just really the opportunity to sit somewhere a little quieter than the rest of the place That's all Well then I thought John Marco was doing a bit I was like I'll go ahead I'm leaving this coffee It's not happening today so I'll go ahead to the gate

Just to make sure we're not going to miss this plane He's waiting for coffee still And so I get to the gate And he comes Comedically Running sprinting past me. And I was like, oh, he's doing a bit. With a coffee, with a hot, new, hot, fresh coffee.

A really big, broad bit at 630 in the morning. But I was like, okay, well, cool, man. He's on, yeah. He's on. He's going for it. He's sprinting. And then I see him keep going. I was like, oh, maybe it's not a bit.

Maybe that's just him genuinely running, not knowing. I thought it was E20. It was E12. And Russell texts me like, it's, Russell doesn't say stop. I thought he was doing a bit. I was like, but then you were too far and I'm not going to scream in the airport. So you were too far. It was very far away.

It was not close. No, no. And then I looked at my phone when I got to E20 and you said. I got in line to get on the plane. You said I just passed you. Figure it out or. Or he won't come. I'll go perform for our sweaty, disgusting, sloppy fucking fans in Houston by myself.

Russell says. These nasty poor pigs. No, no. No, we love our fans. This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Down with john marco cerezi but it was a good trip overall yeah it was our first first time doing this doing in a different city yeah doing a different city

yeah i thought no one was gonna come and i was pleasantly surprised i was pushing so hard yeah and we got 18 people it was it was. It was a first time of a festival. There was like 25 or so. I counted it. It was good. And the room only fit 30 people. But this had first festival vibes. Like you got there.

They're like, hey, here's your backpack. We're all out of food and drink tickets. We've been cut off by the bar. Like it was everything that could have been that you had to be on the first day to get it. Guess what? This is the best part about the trip. I check in. I'm not on the poster. It doesn't even say the downside.

I'm just there, but John Marcos Sweetly's arranged that there's going to be, I'm going to have a hotel room. Hotel. Blah, blah. So I check in. They have somehow given me the presidential seat. Like a corner office view of Houston. Sprawling. Two rooms,

like a living room, a full kitchen. Shut up. All windows facing Houston. And we were talking to headliners at the festival that had to share a room somehow. And I was like, I had the literal presidential suite. You're on one 3 p.m. show for 18

people. I love that that i'm very picky about travel yeah i i will pay money of my own i'm going to i'm doing philly after this in like two days and they tried to put me up at a sinesta oh and i said no i won't i won't be doing it i'll pay for my own hotel room i don't and i don't like the comedy when they try to give you a little apartment yeah comedy condo. I say no. I say no, no. I'll be going to a nice hotel.

I'm going back to one in Lowell, Arkansas and it's a condo. No Wi-Fi. And the owner says to you, the owner says, the owner says, hey, if you need Wi-Fi,

just call me. I'm a mile down the road. I'll pick you up. And I'm like, I'm going to call you and be like, hey, can I jerk off real quick at your place for four minutes?

Please pick me up. I like to get one in before a show. And there were ants. And I'm going to call you and be like, hey, can I jerk off real quick at your place for four minutes? Please pick me up. I like to get one in before a show. There were ants. I'm going back in a couple months. Why? I don't know. Because it's interesting to perform in Lowell. Everyone there disagrees with me.

There's no other places in Arkansas that you could have an experience? Name one other city in Arkansas other than Arkansas City. Which I think is real. Fayetteville. Fayetteville, Little Rock. Okay. Okay. All right.

You're right. There's more. There's a loony bin in Little Rock. You're right. There's more cities in this state. I was incorrect. I was hoping you'd be as uneducated as me. You just bought a house.

Yeah. I bought a house. In Kansas City. In Kansas City. This is where you grew up. Well, no. I wish. I grew up like an hour and a half. In Kansas City? In Kansas City. This is where you grew up? Well, no, I wish. I grew up like an hour and a half outside of Kansas City. But all my people have kind of migrated over towards the city since then.

Tell me about Kansas City. I'm going there soon. You are? The Kansas City Comedy Club. Yeah, you're going in August, 17th through the 19th, I think. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Something like that. I know I hire you to keep track of my calendar for some extra cash.

That's how you can afford the house. Yeah, that's how I buy the houses, of which I have many. KC's fucking great, dude. I love it. You guys are more than welcome to come stay with me anytime at the place. Do the club.

And also, there's a bunch of cool DIY venues, so if you can sprinkle in some, I don't know what their other, maybe you can't promote it, but lots of fun shows, great food, good barbecue, nice people, wide streets, tall trees. Yeah. Oh, it's a great place. And so you bought a house cause you're going there enough to, but what made you buy to buy a house? It's a big, that's a big move. Well, they're in Kansas. They're very cheap. And so

it's like insanely cheap to buy one. I would say one 20,000th of the cost in LA. And also my goal longterm is just to be there. Like, I don't really want to be in LA or New York. I want to be in Kansas city. So for now I'm back every other month or so when I can be. So my plan is to keep a rental in LA and then be in Kansas city when I don't have to be somewhere for work. That's great. Yeah. My friends, it's nice. What were you looking for in a house? Like what were your, I mean, you, you care about hotels. You must care about your home. Yeah. Well, I wanted, I was you care about hotels. You must care about your home. Yeah. Well, I wanted, I was approved for a certain amount that was more than I wanted to pay. So I was looking for something that was quite a bit under my budget so that I could make it aesthetically how I want and just use the money I would have spent on the loan to like furnish it and stuff. So yeah, looking for something that was like updated, but not like, you know how everything they renovate now has those shitty gray wood floors and those off like everything is awful in the same gray white gray white horrible yeah so i didn't want that and uh wanted a hardwood floors which i have um and

wanted like a big backyard and that's it and i found it hell yeah do you ever want a house yeah but here no i don't know no i don't want I'll always rent in New York I would never It doesn't make sense to buy here Tova talks about a brownstone Tova fantasizes about a New York brownstone For sure I want to own

A small apartment in New Orleans Love That's what I want And And similar I want to go like A few times You know

Three or four times a year Russell's in New Orleans boy Yeah I love that That's the spot Do you go back often now at all? I only go once a year Yeah Usually Once or twice a year, three, four times a year. Russell's a New Orleans boy. Yeah. I love that. That's his spot. Do you go back often now at all? I only go once a year, usually. Once or twice a year.

So not enough, but I think it just, it feels like there's going to be a time where, you know, I'm saving towards it and it'll be, it'll be much easier to do that. I just feel like if I invest in something there and have it there, that'll, I feel like I want to live, split my time more than I am right now. It's very peaceful. I get a lot of writing done also when I'm home. Like I started going home more when my dad died and really continued doing that just

because I was like, oh, I'm getting, I'm getting a lot of writing done. I also feel very like much more relaxed. I don't feel like I, I don't feel the pressure to like go out every night or do something the way I do in LA or New York. Cause all my friends there are just chilling. I think it's nice. I think New Orleans would be a similar thing. Nice to just have your little spots and hang out.

And Tova grew up there. I'm trying to get a show in New Orleans. It's tough because they have music. They don't really do comedy. They have music, so why would we do this? There's a little bit of a comedy thing, I think. There's one big theater there, and it was owned by someone who sexually assaulted someone so i made the decision to not you don't want to go there because you want to be able to they'll be like they'll be on my case they'll be looking well you don't want him sexually

assaulting everybody that's your i don't know if your fans know that or not It's the first time I'll Normally I don't like it when the guest wants to cut something out But this will be the first time I'll be like You know what, can we cut this part out? I know I'm trying to get a show There and Tovis Told me that we don't have to book a show Just to go somewhere

Yeah, just go I go every year, just come with me the next time I go Would you, would we? I don't know. That feels like you and your wife's like special time. No, I have friends all the time. I invite everyone. Oh, okay. Fuck it.

I'll go. Oh, yeah. You have lots of free weekends. I'm just saying like I'm going to, and then I'm going to not next year, the year after I'm going to do a big Mardi Gras. I'm going to go for the full eight, seven, eight days. Oh, wow. Drink the whole time.

We did his bachelor party there and I had absinthe. Is that what it's called? Not absinthe. No, no, no, no. Everclear. You know that liquor? It's like super, like it was a drink

and halfway through the drink, it was like I had taken shrooms. I've never seen you that drunk. I fell asleep on the floor. I was sick for days. Everclear is like a thousand proof. It's so intense. And my sister,

she took Everclear once in college At a concert and she was so She got brought to the hospital And she was so wasted she thought she was still at the concert At the hospital Which sounds funny She was shooting up Everclear She was dipping her tampon and doing the whole thing And shooting up Everclear

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Headphones remastered. Buy from DysonCanada.ca. With ANC on, performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage. Accessories sold separately. So, how's this touring going? You're really doing the thing. I am doing live stand-up comedy. This is true.

Are you enjoying it? No, it's great. I think it's a wonderful thing. You're being so cool. No, it's so exciting. You're so curled up in your little corner over there. What did you say, Russell? How long is the tour?

How many cities you hit it in? New York, Philly, Pittsburgh, a college date in Vermont, and then Toronto. Nice. What's the name of the tour? Glorifying Obesity Tour. Love it. Hell yeah. I wish I would have.

I am going to just do another one and call it the same thing. Because as soon as I put it out, I was like, stupid. I've wasted this on five little cities. But I'm going to do a longer version, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My relationship with stand-up is very weird, which is what I think you want to talk about. Sure. I'd love to.

I think that's why you're all curled up in the corner. No, you're so good at it You're a rare A like Visitor of stand up where you do it on and off But you're very good You know how to pick and choose well Thank you

I like it a lot I view it as a hobby I think it's fun to do But I don't think I I don't know My relationship to stand up is evolving I think it's fun to do, but I don't, I don't, I don't think I, I don't know. My mom, I'm, it's my relationship to stand up is evolving. I want, maybe I, maybe I will do a special or something. Maybe I want to do like a longer tour.

I'm having fun with it right now, but I don't know. I, I don't want to, I don't know. Something about it feels very like, I don't want to make it work because it's so fun the way I do it right now and everything else that I like that has become work has gotten a little like tedious. Yeah. And I'm also a little, uh, uncomfortable with you. You will not believe this, but I'm a little uncomfortable with the attention, not on stage, which part, okay. After, after, and also just like the, the like, uh, begging for the ticket sales and being like, Oh, please come out to the show.

I, there's something about it to me that feels very like, I don't know. It's, it makes me a little uncomfortable. And it gets like, you can only make it funny for so long. Like you had,

you had funny ones about your Philly show. You're just like, I'm going to threaten people. Well, yeah. And then at some point it's like, buy the tickets. But that's the thing.

It's like, at some point it's like every weekend and you have to promote it wide for louisville if you're a fan of mine who lives in south korea you've had a horrible year with me on social media i keep telling you to come to shows that you you've never even been to the place yeah so it's just like it's not fun it's not entertaining it's a lot of begging and you can dress it up all you want but you're just asking people to spend money on you yeah and then you add like i the i we barely not barely i mean we slowly sold out the first philly show and never and you know your version of slowly is okay yeah yeah for sure slower the slower than the other places on the tour and i was like we shouldn't add a second one because i don't like posting

about shows i hate the the i hate be trying to be cute about it i hate trying to be like oh if you guys came out i guess I'd do some jokes. It's like, shut up. I hate it. But then we add one, and it's still not sold out. It's in two days from now. And then I'm like, oh, God, are people going to still have a good time if the room's not?

I mean, the room will be fine. I don't know. I'm a little out of my mind is the truth of it. Yeah. But, yeah, it's fun. I'm trying to get Russell to do do he's more of a characters guy yeah but i want characters to be part of the stand i want to i want to bring characters back to the stand-up world i want russell to go up there and be like okay i don't know i'm a characters

guy i feel like i did sketch comedy and sometimes i have to do characters for other things you know what i mean like i don't feel like it's not like a, I'm not home. Like, walking around naturally creating characters that I'm like dying to do a seven minute character set in front of people in Kentucky. You're like, hey, Jamarco, is this funny? Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? I'm not, yeah. I just bring you on stage and be like,

Russell's going to open with his new faces audition from three years ago. From three years ago. I don't want to see you do stand-up with characters in it. No. I think John Marcos. No one does. Why? That's how it used to be.

Jim Carrey used to do stand-up. No one likes it. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it when they show me those old videos. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like...

I hate going to those showcases and watching everyone else. But that's why it won't be a showcase. It'll be a variety. But it is. It is. I'm not doing a one-man show. I would be doing a seven-minute set of like three to four characters that are like all little thing.

And like, it's just. You undermine your own art form so intensely. No, I like, I No, I like sketch comedy. I like that. I just don't like the character set. You want him to go out and do a Robin Williams set. I said it. Just like 17 of those fucking things in a row.

No offense to Robin Williams, but it's like... I was never a fan. It was impressive to watch, but it was too much for me. Sure, yeah. It was a feat, I guess. And it was too much for me sure yeah it was it was a feat i guess yeah yeah and he was he was a joke thief a little bit oh yeah yeah yeah he was like he apparently there was one comedy club where they had a special light in the back of the room to let the comedian on stage know that he had entered the building and then he would you know

not do their a material because then he would go on on Carson and just, like, drop it into the thing or whatever. And that was the time where if you accused him, they'd be like, well, he made it better. And he'd be like, well. Yeah. And he said he was like a sponge, I think. That's what he said. Told Mark Mayer. Like, I'm a sponge.

I just absorb everything. And it's like, that's cool. I would love to do it. There's no fat gay comedian. So I would love to, but there's no one to steal from. I would love to steal somebody's joke about it. That's why I want Russell to do stand up comedy. Come on, Russell. Russell, get out there. Do some stuff about the buffet line.

Do you know, do you know John, John Panay? He was like, he was like a fat comedian from the nins. His closer was about a Chinese buffet. And he was a killer. But it always, always ended in a long Chinese accent bit. Oh, no. Every album ends with him doing... He was Chinese, I guess. Not even at all.

And just like brutal, just like... Free Willy is a mean movie title if you have a giant. And then he would do Free Willy for three minutes. And it would murder, crush. But his whole discography is pretty much unlistenable now. And he was great. Take it too soon. So you got a tattoo.

Is that new? Yeah, that's new. The whole thing? Well, that's new. The whole thing? Well, that's two separate ones. This one's a little older, but this one's like two or three weeks old. Is that related to being a mama's boy, having those flowers? Well, I found this tattoo artist who does cool flowers in LA. Her name's Stabs and Scabs, free promo.

And I messaged her and was like, hey, I want something from you. And she was like, well, I can get you in whenever. And she was like, do you have any ideas? I was like, I just want, she does really cool florals. And I was like, the state flower of Missouri is a dogwood if you want an inspiration, but I don't care. And she uses old botanical textbooks for her references.

And she was like, there's a dogwood I've been wanting to do for a long time and no one has asked for one, so I'll give you that. And then she drew me this. Did you do it in one sitting? Yeah, it was about three and a half hours, I think. Did it hurt? This one?

There were definitely parts where I was like, I'd really like to move on. I'd like to be done with the tattoo now. But it's not that bad. I thought it was fine. Do you have any? Oh, yeah, I have one. It's the first letter of an ex-girlfriend's name

from way back in the day. Good, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Tova would love for me to get deep into that tattoo. Cool, good. On the podcast. What's the letter? the first letter of an ex-girlfriend's name from way back in the day good good yeah yeah cool tova would love for me to get deep into that tattoo cool on the podcast what's the letter uh it's an l you could do something with that sure like love tova or something but but that's kind of like giving like an old engagement ring like from the first engagement to the second person i mean like

i added a jewel it's like well i don't think it's fine i'll talk i'll talk to toba i think toba would rather me skin it off with a with a bear grate grate it off with a cheese grater do you have any no no no desire i want us to get an uncle function one for a sketch team it doesn't yeah i have no no kind of impulse to do it. No sort of thing. I'm not a pansy. I would take the pain. I could take the pain. No, I just know no sort of desire to do it. I don't know. I've never seen something where I'm like, I need that on me.

Does that make sense? Yeah. I love that. But I'm like, I need that on me. Does that make sense? Yeah. I love that. But I'm open to it. Now, mom's boy, though, that's how close you are with your mom? Yeah. Was your mom like, aw? Yeah, my mom loved it.

Really? Yeah, she loved it. She was like, that's so sweet. I wanted something for her, but I didn't want to get her name. And I thought about getting the classic heart mom tattoo because I think those look cool still. Yeah. But then I was like, I want to do mom tattoo. Cause I think those look cool still. Yeah. But then I was like, I want to do something of my own.

Yeah. You know, that's nice. Yeah. So she loved it. Other people's parents hate tattoos. Mine. My mom has like six,

I think. I wonder if I'd get one for my mom. I don't know if she'd like it or not. I can't tell what she likes anymore. Uh, what would it be? It would be like, at least we're friends now

oh well don't do something so sappy no she i think she's like a little cynical edge to it i think i thought she was getting married the other day and now she's left the guy and she's dating it's chaos your mom dates a lot is that yeah she's dating and it's like you see dating at that age like instead of like like a certain thing that like people aren't up front about are their medical conditions i'm not uh the dates are just like intense because if you like each other some of these guys are so rich they're like let's go house shopping like that's their version of you've got a good looking mom oh yeah yeah yeah she's good looking yeah sure that's why these guys keep putting up with it i don't know if the camera's capturing right now but

russell is bricked the up right now russell has one of the biggest boners i've ever seen and he keeps licking his lips when he talks about John Marcos' mom. He's like, she's stacked like a fucking bookshelf. He kept saying it off mic before we started, too. He was like, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, John Marcos' mom. He was like, yo, look at this. Look at this picture. Who's that?

That's the tattoo you're going to get is from my mom. You're going to tell your mom, this is not for you. This is for John Marcos' mother. to you're going to get is from my mom you're going to tell your mom this is not for you this is for marcos um but yeah she's she it's just one of those classic where she was like she was like i think i'm marrying someone and i was like can i meet him i had to have that conversation with mom where i was like i'd like to meet him did you know his name uh yeah okay you've not met him though no they came to a show oh so they came to a show. Oh. So they came to a show in San Diego. They flew there.

He brought me to an amazing dinner. I said, okay, fine. You can marry him. Yeah. He has my blessing. But you should get my blessing. She was going to marry him without me meeting him. Or she said, I met him once, like, three years ago.

And I'm like, that's not enough. Yeah. And then, sure enough, a week later, she's like, nah, that's off. Why should he have to meet you? He needs your you think no my mother needs my blessing your mother needs it my mother needs my blessing to be given if i married someone and my and i never even introduced her to my mom my mom would be right to be like that's kind of fucked up kind of fucked up you're not even gonna let me meet the person she doesn't have to get my approval. But I'd like the courtesy of meeting my new stepdad. Yes.

You ever heard of Oedipus Rex? Maybe you have like an Oedipal thing going on with your mom. When you have divorced parents, you can't help but excuse it. Russell's like, if she was my mom, I'll tell you one thing. That's one of my favorite tweets

What you have to understand is Sigmund Freud's mom was really hot She was drop dead gorgeous I've always thought Because Freud said you want to kill the father Have sex with the mom And that's why I think I hated my stepdad so much Because instead of having to kill your dad You just have to kill some guy

Some dude And your stepmom, that's allowed That's on Pornhub all the time You can sleep with her, yeah So much. Because instead of having to kill your dad, you just have to kill like some guy. Some dude. Yeah. Some dude. Yeah. And your stepmom, that's allowed. That's on Pornhub all the time. You can sleep with her. Yeah. No worries.

Except she's my sister's mom. So that's kind of fucked up. Half sister. Yeah. Well, if you just leave, if you kind of block that out mentally, then you're all good. You're in the clear. I, when I was first starting standup, I think I told you this once. My stepfather saw me do a show with six people in the audience.

And for some reason, I was like, let's do this joke in front of him. And I was like, the only downside of having half siblings is fucking them is only half as fun. Christ. Why? Why do it? I don't know.

Why write it to begin with? In bigger rooms, did it work? Why? Why do it? I don't know. Why write it to begin with? In bigger rooms, did it work? Like, why? Because it's, I, no one likes incest jokes. It's the really tough, it makes people very uncomfortable. Yeah. And I think when you have like divorce and there's like your parents are dating and you have halves and steps, like it's funny. You just, there's, you have to deal with people. Your mom and stepdad having sex.

My dad having sex with all these different women. I just feel like sex is part of the conversation. And so it's just funny. I don't know. I find it funny. Yeah. Yeah, I see that for you. Being an incest comedian.

Listen, you guys, you guys ever fuck your brother? That kind of thing for you one when i got rid so i said this was true i was dating someone once and in the middle of the night i must have had a sex dream and she had a sex dream i woke up mid and we were having sex but i like transitioned from the sex dream to waking up be like oh my god i'm having sex and so i get nervous if i share a bed with someone who's not my my partner that like who knows i'll have a sex dream try to fuck him and so the joke is basically i was sharing a bed with my mom in la she only it was we had to share the bed yeah and you know i assume my brain would know

i'm in bed with my mom uh uh but just in case to be safe before i went to sleep i put on a condom because i'm a mama's boy and And it was a reference to your tattoo. I'll tell you that right now. It's different with me. I would never jump through the hoops you're jumping through to imagine having sex with my mom. You're doing so much mental work to get to a place where maybe you're having sex with your mom. Also, what you're describing, the idea that you sleep in bed with someone and accidentally fuck them is like what I was banking on all of high school. Oh, yeah?

Every time I slept with a guy friend at like a sleepover that I thought was cute, I was like, maybe he'll get confused. I was like, maybe, you know, he'll have a weird dream and we'll end up, who knows? Banking on it. Like it was science. I was like, oh, I hope. Were you sharing a bed often with like? Yeah. Really? was like oh i hope were you were were you sharing a bed often with with like yeah really in high school yeah you share but you go you stay over at someone's house and there's like four or five of you you have to share a bed on the or like share

the pull-out couch or you go to like a conference or something or like a go away for a ice can of i feel like you weren't sharing beds with guys no i mean i'd be on the couch they'd be on the floor but but no but when you're young and you were like, go away. Four guys would get two rooms. You know what I mean? Or sorry, two beds. Yeah, you know what I did once? I went on a two-day cruise with some high school friends,

and I shared a bed with some guy. Remarkable that that didn't end up in sex. Yeah. A two-day cruise with a guy? Anybody could be gay for that. It was just me and him. It was a gay cruise, actually. Which we didn't know until in sex. Yeah. Two day cruise with a guy. Anybody could be gay for that. It was just me and him. It was a gay cruise actually. Which we didn't know until we got there.

No, we made it. We made it a gay cruise. There was, we forced, we forced gayness onto the cruise. I remember one time we went to like an FFA, uh, the future farmers of America. Do you know this? No. It's a, it's a, it's massive. I, most people listening will know what it is, I think.

If you have any normal... You're disgusting Houston fans that you loathe so much. They'll know what it is. I'm kidding. They love their fans. You know they're going to listen. They're listeners. He's listening to it at his job where he said he's making $10 an hour.

And I'm so happy that he was. I'm a fan personally. What? You know, he's great. Yeah. So the FFA, Future Farmers of America. We were going to a conference.

You would go and like they'd tell you how to judge cattle or whatever. And we were on the bus about to go into the hotel. And guys shared rooms with guys and girls shared rooms with girls. You know, really encouraging homosexuality. And our old teacher that was in charge you know, really encouraging homosexuality. And our, our old teacher that was in charge of us, uh, his name was Wes.

He stood up and he was so ancient. He stood at the front of the bus and said, all right, ladies tune out. This one's for the boys, boys, you're going to be sharing beds. And I just want you to remember that.

And he's not kidding. He's being earnestly like giving us advice. I just want you to remember this. Polls to polls. Isn't gay. Holes being earnestly giving us advice. I just want you to remember this. Polls to polls isn't gay. Holes to holes isn't gay. Poll to hole is gay. Let's go. And that was like the only thing he said to us before this conference was don't sleep with your dick to someone else's butt.

Because that's gay. You can look at each other. You can face away from each other. You cannot. So he didn't know about docking. No. And he didn't know about the intimacy of looking into another man's eyes he didn't know how beautiful that could also be he missed out on a lot of stuff that is i think it's all there's something really stressful about going like thinking back at those trips with those teachers on a going away trip man i it's just like something i can't imagine going

away with kids and it's just like i think they're gonna be fucking someone's doing something going on and that was the best part of summer camp was just like you know like you had the girls floor and the boys floor yeah and this was that this was that musical theater camp so it really was it really was a joke yeah and but it was so exciting i mean the one or two times where like me and someone we'd sneak to a room and you'd find the empty at the big northwestern dorm room i'm thinking of one very particular it was very fun yeah but if we slept in the same bed we'd do hole to holeto-hole, I assume. We wouldn't do pole-to-pole. No, hole-to-hole probably. But I don't care.

I move when I'm sleeping. I can't promise I'm going to stay hole-to-hole the whole time. You guys might end up gazing into each other's eyes. Is that your pole, Russell? Get the pole the other end. You make that East Pole, West Pole right now. Well, you guys might end up looking at each other in the eyes, and you might discover something about yourselves.

And that's the scariest thing of all. Yeah. For a guy like Wes. Yeah. Do you think Wes is still alive? Oh, probably. Those kind of country Missouri guys live forever. Did you want to be a farmer at this time?

No, no. I did a couple of things. It was like you had to be a farmer at this time? No, no. I, I, I did a couple of things. It was like, you had to take the class, uh, you had to take an agriculture class and, uh, it was like a leadership thing. Like where I'm from, excuse me, where I'm from, you could get a lot of like scholarships and stuff through that. Those things, even if you weren't going to study agriculture and they had like a, they had a public speaking portion of it.

And I did that. Um, and then I did like some of the they had a public speaking portion of it, and I did that. And then I did some of the other things they just threw me in on. I did livestock judging and soils judging. What livestock did you judge? Cattle, mostly. And what are you looking for? Oh, the top of their back, the way that it slopes. If it has a flat line or if it dips this way.

But is that based on how they raised it or just the genetics of the cow well it's based on a lot of things depends on the type of cow you're looking at if you're looking at a hereford or if you're looking at a uh there's like 20 of them but whatever kind of cow you're looking at you want to look at it from behind and see like if its legs are sickled or if they're straight up and down you want different you want the distance between their stomach and the ground to be a certain height depending on what kind of cow you're looking at and someone who knows this better than me might be watching and be like, you're messing it up because I forget a lot.

But there's a number of things you look at for different cows to see if they're quality meat and quality dairy. So it's about them being eaten at the end of the day. It's about... It's not like, are they happy? No, it's not about their quality of life. In Missouri, the cows are not taken care of in that way. Have you had unpasteurized milk? No. quality of life in Missouri. The cows are not taken care of in that way. If I had,

have you had unpasteurized milk? No, I really want to try it. Why? Cause it just sounds like it's one of those things that people get sick from it a lot, but they still do it. I'm like,

it must be good. My dream. I've always wanted to have a bowl of cereal, go to a farm and milk right into the cereal. It would be disgusting. It would be so gross. Why? It would be warm, first of all.

Yeah. It's in their body. It would be warm. Okay. Also, a lot of times when the cleaning process that happens after you milk a cow, the reason that it's pasteurized and cleaned is because sometimes pus and blood and things come out with it. It's a really gross product.

Keep your dream, though. Yeah, go suck on a cow's teeth as soon as you can. You must be able to suck a teat. Would you suck a cow teat? Chumacal. Yeah, you can suck a teat. You must be able to. It's like, yeah, of course you can.

No, there's not police stopping you from doing that. There might be in some states. I guess, but I'm saying you can do it, but I don't know why you would want to. I just feel like it's best from the source. Do you want the water fresh from the creek or after it's through the fucking Dasani factory? Dasani factory.

I want it from a glass fridge where I can see into the fridge. Yeah. So, okay, that pole, do you remember? Did you try doing a little pole to hole in that? Not on those trips. Those guys were, I did sleep with guys in high school who, like, we did, I did mess around in high school. And there was that, like, there was some experimenting going on.

For other people, it was experimenting. For me, I was like, I know, I'm like this. Were you out to the high school and there was that like there was some experimenting going on for other people was experimenting for me i was like this i'm i know i'm like this were you out to the high school no no none of us were gay at the time it was just like you know we're like 16 yeah um but no i would i didn't come out until college interesting yeah i wonder what it's like now whether people are out more i just remember i just remember like my good friend in high school like who was just clearly like clearly clearly in a way where it almost felt silly yeah it felt silly to hear him talk about women and now he's out but i just wonder if more people are out now but i don't know everything feels backwards right now it doesn't feel good no and it's you have to remember too the those parts of the country

like rural missouri are so literally far behind on everything yeah um unlike fashion and politics and trends and things like they're just now starting to get like there are just now a few more parents out there who would be like if my kid was gay i could handle it but trans forget it you know it's like they're so far back on all that yeah sure there was i remember i was i there was a guy that i was a friend of mine who's still a friend of mine to this day who he and i had been kind of hooking up in high school and he he was we were out to each other i was like we're actually gay this is like we we are into each other and he uh wanted for us to come out together and i was like no I'm not coming out in this town.

But I really thought about it because I was like, oh, maybe I could date this guy and I could just have a boyfriend. And another kid in our town came out right around then. And people were so mean to him. And I was like, dodged a bullet. Glad it was you. Couldn't be me. And then I was like, never. So i didn't ever come out until i left uh did he do you remember that kid that came out was it like a facebook post come out was it uh just told people spread the word i think he

just told everybody and there was another thing where he was it was very obvious with him like it was like there was he said it and everyone was like for sure but why tell us like what you know it was people knew it and only made fun of him once he confirmed it you everyone was like for sure but why tell us like what you know it was people knew it and only made fun of him once he confirmed it you know i'm saying like really winning on it then but yeah i was like i'm not gonna do that i want to chill i i remember uh i don't know if i've told it on this but it was uh an acting class guys would come out i've seen it a couple times and it was like this uh this kid from from some some midwest place he was like 16 he was doing a romantic scene with this woman and and like

started crying in the middle of it oh fuck and the teacher who was like who is the perfect perfect kind of teacher it was it was a great new york acting teacher but he was like what's wrong and he was like you know he started crying he said i think it might be gay and then the teacher was like okay just do the scene again and uh he might be gay. And then the teacher was like, okay, just do the scene again. And the teacher said, do you like watermelon? And the kid was like, yeah. And he said, okay, do the scene again. And instead of a woman, just pretend she's a watermelon.

And that was his acting lesson. That's a great acting teacher. And it's called Substitution. And then I remember the next year on Facebook it came up so and so is in a relationship with whitney and i was like wow he he he went back home and and stayed back in and got a girlfriend oh that'll yeah that'll happen and i knew a lot i also knew a lot of women at the musical theater where they dated someone they fell in love their first boyfriend and he ended up coming out of the closet and it even if they were smart enough to know they didn't make him gay something about it fucked with them they love someone yeah who wasn't a who didn't want them it was some some very unique kind of breakup yeah yeah there i there are definitely

guys that i either i hooked up with in missouri or a friends of mine hooked up with that I'm like you are straight, you were bored you tried something out I don't think you're gay there are other guys who I hooked up with or my friends of mine hooked up with, cause you know all the gay kids in a place like rural Missouri, all the towns around, we all kind of find each other and there were guys that are still in the closet, have wives

and kids or that I went to college with that I'm like, it's different with you you're definitely gay and in the closet. There's just some, there's something else about it where like the type of sex you were having, the way the things about you where I'm like, you are actually living a lie versus like people who were just experimenting. You know what I mean? It's a different thing and I, you can feel it.

And it's really, really sad to me. The guys that are like for sure gay and just like having babies and a wife. sad to me the guys that are like for sure gay and just like having babies and a wife do you think there's any do you think there's any possibility that that the wife knows and this is the they love each other and their partners and do you think there's do you think sometimes these people know sometimes it's like you think the wife doesn't know oh i think they know spiritually but i don't think it's an arrangement. Sure. I think they can feel that their husband doesn't like having sex with them for sure. But I don't think it's like, let's just do this. You know, I don't think it's like an arrangement.

There was a summer camp I went to where the two heads of the camp, like they were convinced that he was gay and she was a lesbian and they had two kids together. And that's what I want. That's actually powerful. I want that. Yeah. I want she was a lesbian. And they had two kids together. That's what I want. That's actually powerful. I want that. I want to marry a lesbian. I want to marry a lesbian, any of the ones I'm close with, start having kids, pretty like in the next year or two, and then have like three or four kids together

and then we just fuck other people. But at home, it's just bliss. But you could do that. I'm trying. None of the lesbians will do it do you really want kids? badly not maybe too soon I don't know that I'm quite ready yet

I do like going and doing my own thing all the time but I want to be a parent more than I think I want to do comedy do you know anyone with that arrangement? no I mean, obviously a lot of gay men give sperm to lesbian couples. Of course. That's a

massive thing. But no, I just want to, me and my lesbian, raise a couple kids together and hang out at home. Would you do artificial insemination? For sure. For sure. This is a big fight that Holmes and I have gotten into. Because Holmes is like, if we, Holmes is like, maybe someday and if we do it, you have to have sex with me. And I'm like, I'd rather not do it. I don't want to have sex with

you. Really? That's, that's the deal breaker. She, I'm not having sex with you because she just wants that one part to be, she thinks it's offensive that I would send her to the doctor when we could just save the money and do it. Oh, OG. And I'm like, but I, I'm not, I can't, I can't, I, I, and I'm like but I can't having said that I don't like it I don't want to do it that's very funny I would let her do it I'll give you the stuff and if you want to

you know tinker around at home and figure it out I'll give her the cum sure sure and she can you know put it in there would you stay in the room if she said at least be in the room if that does something for her I'd be like go baby go go come on honey get it you know i'll even put on

a little show but i'm i'm not fucking girls again it's it wasn't for me when did you have sex with a woman i slept with girls in high school and none of it was good none of it was fun it was fun i mean it really wasn't it was it was i really liked was fun. It was fun. I mean, it really wasn't. I really liked them, but I was like, you know, I really wish this was a guy. You know, your classic gay thing of wishing you were having sex with a man. I was just like... Just doggie style right out the gate. Just straight up. Just like, lower your voice. Lower register. Come on.

Like Forrest Gump. i was who's the dj recently you you you tweeted about was it diplo diplo he was like yeah i've gotten blowjobs from guys but if you don't make eye contact it's not gay i didn't tweet about diplo but i know what you're talking about you oh you tweet you it felt like a subtweet, just to jet justice. Like this weird thing of like, yeah, I'm not gay, but I've had blowjobs from men. Yeah. This whole thing of celebrity is now coming out as nothing.

I'm so sick of it. Yeah. You don't like the, the, the wisdom now I think is that being queer is profitable. Yes. And so I am, I'm not,

I'm not queer, but I'm something. And people will ask them like, Oh, what, what are, what are you? Who do you date? What is your thing? And they'll be like, that's none of your business, but let's just say I'm, I'm open-minded kind of vibe. And it's like, yeah, I get that that's technically progressive, but we've got a lot of shit going on right now. And we kind of need the star power and the camaraderie and the, like, I think it's boring to be like, they don't have to tell anyone. And it's like, of course they don't, but they should want to. Sure. And you're not, I don't think you should get to be part of

the community. If you're in the closet, because of the people are not part of the queer community, in my opinion, we're ready for you when you're ready to come out. But I don't, there's this weird propensity to be like, Oh, when the, when the conversation comes up of should straight actors play gay people. Right. I personally don't give a fuck but people who uh criticize it will often be met with well you don't know if they're in the closet and it's like right and i don't give a fuck it doesn't what does that matter to me we're a part of a community based on interests and being out and there's political power in that and it's it's like being like someone who doesn't crochet joining the knitting circle or whatever the fuck it's like come and do it and then we'll talk yeah you can't just sit here do you think do you think for especially with with

men i feel like there's way more bisexual men in the world that are identifying as bisexual because i think in general when a man says they're bi people go you're gay that's that's that's the that's i think if you're a celebrity that's certainly what people are gonna lobby but you think saying i'm bisexual as opposed to i'm open i'm whatever you is the bisexual label powerful i'll take anything yeah bisexual poly if even if you just want to call yourself queer i'm not saying you have to out yourself in this very specific way or tell people how you have sex you don't have to be prescriptive about it. Just queer is fine. Queer is an umbrella.

Sure. Come just be in it with us because the problem is they're like queer people being rounded up around the world. Right. And like, uh, it's only getting, it's getting very bad in the United States for queer people right now, not to be heavy, but like, so what it feels like to me is you want to cash in on the cultural cache of being queer right now and get cast in these queer roles and be in these queer scenes and be considered queer. And then the second that shit goes south for us and it stops just being trans people because it will turn to the rest of us.

Of course. And it's a problem before that. But just so all those cis gay people who don't care know it will come for us too again. Then you're just going to be like out of it. You're just going to kind of skate out and be untouched because because you never said it officially i had a friend recently i was very bothered by it where they they were like you know they saw whatever of one video of a drag queen with with holding hands with a little girl was like why aren't the kids always and i'm like shut the fuck up don't shut the fuck up stop taking this

bait why stop taking this fucking bait there's just a myriad of reasons but i i saw how the propaganda had worked with someone who i consider who's in terms of america liberal who who saw one image of something and went that's a little much and now that's become their opinion on the whole fucking spectrum and it's very frustrating opinion on the whole fucking spectrum. And it's very frustrating to see the propaganda work on friends, you know, in their 30s and their 40s. And I didn't, you know, I just told,

I'm not a very good, wasn't very persuasive. I was just like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. What is this conversation? Who was it? It was Russell. i made it very vague russell's like yeah who would do that

russell and i absolutely have friends who are liberal again in the span of america where it you know they they fall for some of these fucking these bait i'm like i'm like stop stop even worrying about the the the drag queen brush it's it's it's you don't don't don't even it's like when people make trans issues about like they want to talk about the sports solely and i'm like show who gives a fuck about that that's that's nothing compared to the larger conversation but it's it's it was just scary i had it was just i was surprised that this friend said that to me well Well, also on the trans stuff of it all, especially with middle America guys who I grew up around,

I'm like, you guys do gender-affirming stuff every single day. Yeah. Every single day. I do bald spray. But we all have our stuff that makes us feel better. But also these guys specifically all have like, they will call their best friend of 40 years Moose exclusively because he wore antlers to a party once 30 years ago.

And they're like, that's moose. And I'm like, moose is trans. You know what I mean? Like as far as I'm concerned, that's the exact same thing. He's literally doing the one like identify as a moose. So it's like, yeah, it's like you guys do this all the time, but you won't do it for somebody who genuinely is like a transgender, like a different gender. Why? What does it matter?

We saw there was something on the the babylon bay someone just you know quote tweeted it but like their sketch was it was the chinese it was like the army in china how they're going to beat american soldiers and the chinese soldier doing a horrible accent was just like you're a he him you're a he him and the soldier's like oh oh and died it was the worst thing I'd ever seen in my life. But I was saying, like, I want to watch someone watch this, and I want to see them laugh, because I don't believe they're going...

I think they're doing that... Yeah. The Babylon Beast is so fucking funny. Yeah. None of it's amusing. I'm going to become, watch this space, because if I ever need money in a bad way, I'm going to become a conservative comedian.

If you had a podcast on the Daily Wire. I want to talk about Roseanne, because you had a great tweet recently about kind of like the situation of Roseanne. I felt like it summed up perfectly how I felt, because Roseanne was a big, that TV show was the original the first few seasons so fucking good yeah so unlike anything else um there's a little these

episodes are like little plays where they showed poor people in a real meaningful way yeah and they were horny that some of the earlier episodes of Dan Rosen, they are so fucking horny for each other, these two fat people. It's like you watch it and you're like, this has still not been seen again. Like these two fat fucking people who want to fuck each other and they have no money and they're real. I loved your take on like just how that kind of radical contrarianism becomes a thing that the person seeks rather than actual. Yeah, you get obsessed with the validation of it. Like that show, the original Roseanne had, they had black friends who were talking about their relationship to the police being different than their white friends. They had queer characters who were like poked fun at, but like loved and taken care of. queer characters who were like poked fun at,

but like loved and taken care of. Then an episode, I remember watching when I was a kid, an episode of Roseanne where a politician came to the door, like knocked on the door and was like, I'm out looking for your vote. And Roseanne was like, that's funny.

We can't really make ends meet this month. And he was like, well, I'm sorry to hear that. And we'll, I'm going to go talk to other people, but we'll get to work on that. And she was like, I'm going to come with you.

Cause we all can't make ends meet actually. And it was like this, like it was very, it was a lot funnier. Obviously I'm, I'm butchering the joke of it, and it was like this like it was very it was a lot funnier obviously i'm butchering the joke of it but it was like this this like very real like kind of criticism of politicians coming and asking for the vote from a bunch of people who have nothing which is obviously still going on and i think at the time those were all like very inventive ideas and then yeah you get addicted somebody like rosanne gets addicted to being the

person with the fresh take yeah and so when the fresh take becomes uh transphobia you're right there ready to have it yeah and it's like yeah it turns you into this fucking nightmare person who's doing a like special she just put out the clip that we all saw yeah it was like my pronouns are kiss my ass yeah yeah and what's really funny about that little clip is i watched it of course we always watch the bad comics of course because we want to know and she had a part of that bit was she was like they want to know what a woman is they don't know what a woman is i'll tell you what a woman is it's me a woman who's someone a woman is someone who cleans up everybody else's shit and i'm like the interesting thing about that a bit is you yourself are recognizing that there's more to womanhood as

we understand it than chromosomes yeah there is a gendered conception of what it means to be a woman in the world and your experience of it is that you clean up everybody else's shit and that you have to do it because you're a woman it's on the road to understanding that someone can be a woman without being born the chromosomal you know know what I'm saying? Like you have a more layered understanding of womanhood than you're purporting to have, but your politics are clouding that. But I also think at this level, it's so hard to understand what her real politics are because she's, she's basically, it's very limited where she can make the kind of money that she might want to be making at this point.

So it's hard to know what's pandering and what's real. All of those people, all of those people, I'm like, especially if they've been in show business for a long time i'm like really you you don't have a hundred gay friends along the way right like i i just i don't know what to believe of any of them i don't know if she's i just don't know if it's all a game or all an actor she's like what fox is gonna pay. I bet Fox paid her, what, $3 million, $5 million for the special on the Fox streaming service platform. She's not getting that anywhere else. That's interesting, but full disclosure, you should tell your fans you open for her a lot on the road. I don't post about it.

I just say I'm going to be at this club, and you don't know who it's for. Then you get paid a lot to pose these sort of hypothetical questions. Maybe she's left of Bernie. We don't know because the money. She has to feed her family. It's an act. It's a character.

She's working on the inside. I know a couple comedians that open for problematic people and they just post, I'm going to be at this club this weekend. And you're like, are you headlining? Who's there? Who's there? Who's closing the show?

Who's doing an hour after you? Who are you hanging out with? And how many accusations are there for that person? Yeah, I feel very lucky that I don't have... My career went in a way that I never had to do that because I would do it. You know what I mean? I understand people who do it.

You say that, Caleb, and you said this on the last time we did the podcast and I don't buy it that I would, what that you would, that you would make a hard pivot against your own values. I think unfortunately you're very, you're very tidy. You think I'm above it? I think you are. You've walked right into my little trap. No, I mean, I don't know. I just say shit. You shouldn't put this out. Who knows?

I don't know if I mean any of this. Maybe I wouldn't. You're right. I remember the last episode, you're like, can you not make this the clip? I'm like, okay. What was the clip? What was I talking about? It was you went, I still actually do want to post it, but I didn't want to bother you with it.

But it was you talking about people who work at ad agencies. And you tore into them as human scum, basically. Not human scum. That's how you guys talk about your fans. No. No. Not when the mics are off. When this episode comes out, our Patreon goes down by 50 people.

Oh, my God, no. I'm kidding. Next time we go to Houston, there's more protesters than at the show. We might get some of the heat off the drag queens in Texas if we can get you guys to keep going back sure sure yeah I mean advertising I did have a particularly tough experience with a lot of what I view to be failed creatives

but you know we don't need to rehash it no it was great check it out the episode is on the YouTube speaking of which if you want to hear this live episode with the fan who wants to exterminate it was great check it out the episode is on the YouTube speaking of which if you want to hear this live episode with the fan who wants to exterminate all British people

join the Patreon patreon.com slash downside for bonus episodes live episodes and my clean stand up special that I'm not releasing I did want to play

we had a new night terror from Tova I sometimes like to play Tova's night terrors. Because I got to get something out of this. I don't sleep. I don't. It really unnerves me.

Here we go. Wait a minute. It's John Marco. What the fucking shit Okay so This was three in the morning This was before the early flight to Houston But then it

You made me blind So then she went and slept in the living room for 40 minutes. When she says you made me blind, it's because it's her glasses. She always says, like, I'm blind. And she accuses me of hiding her glasses, even though they're at the nightstand. And we realized this because when she was mugged, where the night terror started, she told me this later, and I put it together like Freud for her. One of her contacts fell out because she chased the mugger,

got her phone back, and her contact fell out. And when she told me that, I was like, oh, that's why you're always saying I'm blind. But we've put two glasses on the nightstand sometimes. I've tried a method where before she goes to sleep, I say, can we can we talk to you can we try talking to yourself talking to your subconscious that you can see and your glasses are there but they're getting worse you dating my manager is one of the worst

things that ever happened to me because i have to i i just have so much more access than i ever wanted to stuff about her life. Like, sure. I don't think I'd have the recordings. I don't think I, you know, I don't know what sounds my manager makes when he sleeps to be fit. No.

And like, there's also a, she's also a friend of mine. Like the, you know, you're on Twitter being like, when my girlfriend blows me, it's just like a, it's a really intense thing to see that and then get on a meeting and talk about business.

You know what I mean? To be like, my girlfriend throws it back like an all star on my timeline and then get on a call with this individual is like, obviously it's weird. And the recordings, I mean, yeah, it's just a strange place for me to be.

Yeah. And I'm sure you feel the same way. Yeah. Oh, I know. Oh, I know. Well,

you went the other way around. You knew her first. I knew. Yeah. Yeah around And I'm the one who brought her to Titanic Let's not forget that She wasn't going to Titanic on her own I said I gotta see Russell And she said please do we have to go I said go to the show How's the show going Russell

Show's going well What are you doing I play a role. I inhabit a role. I am a performer. What's the outfit you wear? Pants. Pants and slacks.

Slacks and a blouse. A blouse? Yeah. How long is the run? I don't actually know. Through September right now. Cool. It's going to extend. Through September right now. Cool. It's going to extend.

It's going to, you're going to be in this for decades. No, no, no. I think, I think September, I think I have a,

it's just hard to, it's a, it's eight shows a week. It's just like, you know, it's a grind. I want to see you play the Celine Dion character. No,

no, I'm going to come see it. I'm, I'm due for a New York theater trip. I need to come see that and parade and like two other shows that people are sprinkled into. And I'm going to come see it I'm due for a New York theater trip I need to come see that and Parade and two other shows that people are sprinkled into and I want to come see Titanic I should give a shout out because they gave me free tickets

I saw Shucked the musical about Korn it's about Korn I went with Tova she was not a fan it's tough seeing musicals with Tova they gave you free tickets. They gave you free tickets.

You gotta cut that out. That's not a plug. You gotta cut that out. That's not a plug. They gave you free tickets. All right, Tova, let me keep going. I enjoyed it. My girlfriend did not.

You can't give fair and balanced commentary on the free stuff. Yeah. Thank you guys for the tickets. My girlfriend had a horrible time. It's just sad. No, but it's very hard. Tova is not a musical person. when when it's like corny and i'm not trying to make a pun here because it

is about corn and they did a lot of corn puns everyone you can imagine they did but like tova gets in a space sometimes where the moment they start singing she's like i'm with her a song yeah and i'm like yeah but that's that's that's the art form that we came to see. It's going to a poetry slam and going, was that a rhyme? Okay. I haven't seen shucked. Going to a haiku saying five,

let me guess. Five, seven, five. Yeah. I haven't seen shucked, but what I have a problem with shucked is I hate the, like get shucked.

Like I hate, like someone hands you pins and lines and they go get shocked. Like when you're shocked yourself. Yeah. Like that kind of thing. I hate, I don't like when people are cute with me. I hate when someone hands you pins and lines And they go get shocked Go shock yourself I don't like when people are cute with me I hate it Don't be cute with me You're like we're a family You're implying fuck

I hate cute with profanity I saw a man masturbate on the subway right here You can say fucked I just had a fucked up experience Get fucked with a corn sock. Just don't be cute with me. I've got a lot going on. There's a lot of things going on.

I've got emails to respond to. I can't have you doing a get shucked. I'm going to kill you. With a pin. I'm going to shuck and kill you. We should stop recording. Let's go on toward uh this has got to stop is this the right button please nope this has got to stop do you have this got to stop um yeah okay so sometimes i don't know if this happens airplanes you know they're not made for fat people but i will say what i don't like. Sometimes I always pick in seat by the window, right?

I'm not going to sit in the middle. But sometimes there's another fat person that sits in the middle, but they probably don't identify as fat. Like I identify as fat. And they kind of look like at me, like I'm the problem. And I'm like, we're both doing it, baby. It's Shamu and Godzilla, honey. We're both in this. We're both in it.

And sometimes there's a fat person who doesn't think of themselves as fat. It's usually an older woman. And she's kind of being like, so on the way out here, kind of like, and I'm like, I'm like this. And I'm like, I'm really trying to make it work. And I'm like,'m really trying to make it like work and I'm like there's no accountability she's taking no accountability for contributing we're both doing it together it's fine like let's just like what does accountability look like it doesn't look at me I also identify we're like you know it's this kind of like how are we gonna like this feeling of like oh you know imagine if

she put on the whale and started looking at her? But it was like she was fat, too. And I was just like, come on. You're fat, too. I wanted to be like, you're fat. We're fat together. It's fine. It's not comfortable for any of us on this thing.

You would have had to have someone skinnier than you for her to be comfortable. You owe me a jolly, fat, diffusing comment the way we all do. I've had that, too. To be like, oh, not the bothusing comment. The way we all do. I've had that too. To be like, oh, not to both of us. You have to give me something. I had a gray, older black woman one time, and we were like, what are we going to, you know? It's a real fucking nightmare on here, isn't it?

But when the food cart comes, you're like, just leave it here. You're getting too comfortable. We let the whale we let the whale come inside don't sneak in food cart John Marco you're doing too much we were being

very generous when you brought up Darren Aronofsky's the whale don't say the food cart stays with us stop now cause you're still ahead

stop I like that so yeah that's nice John Marco's like John Marco's like yeah and then you get Stop now. Because you're still ahead. Stop. So yeah, that's nice. John Mark goes like, yeah, and then you get off the plane and maybe you get bariatric surgery. Stop. No one's getting gastric sleeve.

Don't do that. So I just want, you know, if you're fat, I love you. Let's just be fat together. Get your fat ass over here by me and be cool. Yeah, just don't look at me like I'm, you know. These airlines, they need to be taken down. We had our last guest.

He's seven foot tall. He has Marfan syndrome. And we were just talking about, I realized they don't have anything on the planes to help anybody for anything. No. I don't know what has to break. to help anybody for anything no and these something's i don't know i don't know what has to break something has to something has to something has to happen with these airplanes yeah for a change to occur what i don't know what it's going to take what i want to tell some extremely rich person some billionaire is start an airline that does only like major cities

right so that you can at least take some of your leg start an airline that only does like major cities, right? So that you can at least take some of your leg, start an airline that only does like major cities at first. So you can be safe on your investment. Right. And make it to where all like Delta first class seats, which are not huge. They're like what we all should be sitting in and make it the whole plane and just only do like do bag, extra baggage fees or whatever you have to do. Mark the prices up a little bit.

You will sell out every flight when you make your money start expanding and just make a plane where it's literally comfortable for everybody and make it a little more expensive you'll be able to cover the cost don't pay your executive 17 million dollars a month and you will make so much fucking money americans are only getting fatter but that's the thing is i always think like if if upgrading if upgrading to first class was a hundred dollars there's so many times I would have done it by now. But it's usually like a $1,000 ticket as opposed to a $200 ticket. And that's – and then they just – I'm tall. It's got a worse – it's horrible where I always get frustrated.

Delta calls it the comfort plus chair. And I'm like how dare you call this comfort. This is like comfort plus. Chairs are supposed to be comfortable yeah what happened yeah they're greedy it's all greed it's horrible i only fly first class now and it's so expensive but i want to avoid that shit of like the number of times a thin person was like legitimately mean to me yeah and i and it used to be that it made me sad and now i know that i'll fucking snap on them so i'm like i just need to be yeah i'm sorry i need to be with the wealthy people i do yeah would you snap on someone i think

at this point i would because it enrages it what enrages me about it is not that they don't like that i'm fat i could give a fuck what enrages me about it is that you're not mad at the people i'm mad at which is who's making money off of us all being uncomfortable yeah they're ruining all of our days and lives and you're looking at me. This is everything about politics to me. But this is, I think if you're to be a CEO of an airline and you're making that much money

you should have to be at the airport every day. You should have to come on the plane and face your critics. There's just no way for them to face all the shit that they're doing. I want to see them. They should have to fly middle seat economy between me and Russell. Absolutely. Absolutely.

It's like when the mayor of New York talks about the subway and you're like, you haven't taken the subway in 10 years. You don't know what you're talking about. They should, as part of their job, as part of the money, as part of being set up for life, take the subway everywhere they go. I would love that. Yeah. What's your disgust up? My disgust up? Where'd my piece of paper they go. I would love that. Yeah. What's your this has got to stop? My this has got to stop? Where'd my piece of paper go?

John Marco's like fat people. He's a fat British people. Oh, I had the thing about Tova. I had the fuck. Do you have a this has got to stop? I do. You go. Mine was going to be airplane related, but I'm going to switch because it was this very

similar thing. My flight here from Kansas City was a nightmare for fat reasons. But okay, can I do. You go. Mine was going to be airplane related, but I'm going to switch because it was this very similar thing. My flight here from Kansas City was a nightmare for fat reasons. But okay, can I do... This one I don't think will be broadly relatable, but it's really on my mind. Is that okay? Please? That's totally fine. Okay. I, unlike you guys, am extremely grateful for my fans.

And I have a real appreciation for the people who help me pay my bills. In a humble way that you guys can't access. However, there, there is a, however, they're disgusting little pigs. Um, no, I, they, I, there's a phenomenon in my life where attractive gay men are matching with me on dating apps to tell me that they're a fan. I will kill not only you but myself stop doing this if you are a fan of somebody or if you are also friends if you're friends with somebody or like mutual friends with like matching with somebody as a joke that you know is obviously

funny and do your thing but matching with someone on a dating app for a reason that is not dating stop no one wants that you can buy a ticket to a show you can dm me on instagram or twitter you can tell a friend to come and see me like there are a million things you can do to show support that are not being hot matching me on with me on tinder and then being like you're low-key so funny like i'll kill you do you think any of them are like the want to hook up still they're like you're so funny like do they make clear like i'm a big fan and that's all no there have been times that people have messaged me that they're huge fans and then also we have ended up hooking up and are going on dates sure that i will date a fan no no problem i think because i know you have great

taste the issue is that a lot of these guys when i press the issue a little bit further they're like i'm such a fan i'm'm like, Oh, thank you. What are you up to this weekend? No message back or, or like, or, or literally sometimes not getting going out with my boyfriend, like on here looking for friends,

but that's not in the bio. So I didn't know. So I connected, you know, I'm like, yeah, you're wasting my time. You're wasting my time.

And also now I don't like you. Yeah. Now I think you suck. People put that in the bio, just friends are looking for friends. If they do, I don't like you yeah now i think you suck people put that in the bio just friends they're looking for friends if they do i don't match because i have of course the issue is when they don't and then it comes out in conversation and i'm like i don't need friends off the dating app you want to know what what's even worse that tova used to have to deal with when she was on the apps oh i can't even imagine. You know exactly what it is. Hi. I'm looking for a presentation right now.

Homicidal. I would be homicidal. That's so bad. At least a one in particular. Name them. Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt. Cancel him for

this thing only. Oh, man. Brad Pitt. Cancel him for this thing only. Oh, man. Brad Pitt. I don't know what the status is with. He made the movie, She Said. He'll be fine. We had someone who's very publicly. Nothing's happening to Brad Pitt.

Yeah, he's fine. He's got a lot of money. I'm going to keep looking out for him anyway. I want to make sure. I want to make sure. He's a Missouri boy. I want to make sure. All right. Let's go on to our final. Oh, mine. I was like make sure. He's a Missouri boy. I want to make sure. All right, let's go on to our...

Oh, mine. I was like, no. This has got to stop. This is truly... It's bugging the shit out of me. People hear my name, and some people, that's their new bit with me.

Gianmarco. Gianmarco. And I go and I say, yeah, and they go, they have nothing. They just want to do that game with me, Gianmarco, Gianmarco. And I go and I say, yeah. And they go, they have nothing. They just want to do that game with me. And I'm like, motherfucker, you're not the first to hear that name and want to sing it to the gods. Don't do this.

This is not an interaction. This is not an interaction. Yeah. And I can't tell you, it's only men. And it's a number of guys where every time Gianmarco. And I go, yeah you, it's only men, and it's a number of guys where every time, Gianmarco, and I go, yeah. And that's it. You've got to stop hanging out with musical theater people.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. You're right. Wait, can I tell you something related? Last night, my friend brought her, I'm friends with both of them, my friend brought her very hot, straight boyfriend to the gay bar to out And he's cool. It was I was happy to see him he but he very he's a very sweet guy And he very earnestly I'm talking like ten pack abs a gorgeous gorgeous man Very earnestly after about 45 minutes to an hour being in the bar turned to me and his girlfriend and said everybody here is so nice

And we were like yeah no because we're she and i are the two things you're never supposed to be in a gay bar right a straight woman and fat so we're like of course you're having a great time he was like yeah i didn't have enough cash for my drinks the bar and they told me just take them that's so funny yeah he was having like the time of his life and i'm like buddy yeah of course he's like everyone's touching my back i was like yeah dude you're a king in here this is what straight men don't realize go in there there's i one time i i think i might have told this before i one time uh had a friend who was like can you i was looking after a young child in the Upper East Side for like two hours. So I was like running errands. So you're drinking a gay bar.

Yeah, I was running errands with a six-year-old. And people, when they thought I was a father to a young, cute six-year-old child, were the nicest they'd ever been to me in my life. And it was like this very weird experience. Like that, we were like, oh, everyone's so much nicer to me. And like looking me in the eye and they're like, Oh, look at that, that dad walking around with this.

Like, and it was just that kind of thing where I was like, Oh, people are nicer to me and see me like where you're like, you don't, you know, you, some people ignore you.

And, uh, anyways, a similar. Wow. Yeah. I'm going to start toting the kid around. Yeah.

That sounds fun. Yeah. But were you saying stuff like, Oh, I'm going to start toting a kid around. Yeah, that sounds fun. Were you saying stuff like, oh, I miss my wife? Oh, man. Seriously, guys, wear your seatbelts. I miss my wife every day. You go to the bar, you're like, two beers. One for my wife who passed. And one for the kid.

All right, final. Are you okay on time? Yeah, I got to go. You better count your blessing. You better count your blessing. Okay. I know we've poked fun, but genuinely those people that stayed after the show yesterday, it was very touching to me.

I know we were making jokes and stuff, but it was very touching and very sweet. And very, it felt nice to know, because you're like, you know, I didn't know if anyone would come to a Houston show. It's a random place to have a show. So it was very sweet to have people stay and say such nice things. And that was very, that was worth the trip.

Yeah, it was lovely. I think there's just this surreal feeling whenever you whenever you have fans where they're like you helped me through this and you're like i should have worked harder i should have done more i i should have prepared more since this was so meaningful it's but but it's wonderful we're so we're very lucky to have you so thank you you for coming out. Sorry, I just want to make sure. Is this the part where you guys wanted me to say that I made all that stuff up that you set off? Off mic about your fans? I just want to get the segment right.

For me, again, I'm so thankful that everyone listening joined the Patreon patreon.com slash downside but also you know being able to do this with Russell I feel like in a lot of ways this podcast was a con to make sure I was able to spend time with Russell in my life and go on trips

and so it's very I'm very flattered that you went all the way to Houston for this trip and got up early to come here. So I'm just so lucky to have you a part of this podcast. And he's texting someone. He's not listening to any of this. I'm looking at a fucking Uber. That's my blessing.

Caleb, do you have a blessing? Yeah. Well, I want to say old women who call you baby in restaurants or like grocery stores like I was just in KC and I was at a barbecue place that I go to a lot and there was an old woman who called me baby and sweetie within a couple

sentences and I just think an old woman calling you baby is just like oh man it just makes me feel like I could lift a fucking truck and throw it across the state like I just feel so powerful and I'm grateful for that. I like I could lift a fucking truck and throw it across the state. Like, I just feel so powerful. And I'm grateful for that. I like that as like a Popeye.

Is that what's named? Popeye with the big arms? Instead of spinach, an older woman comes over and whispers, sweetie. And he's like, I got it. Like, here you go, sweetie. Here you go, darling. I do love that. Toss a truck.

What would you like to plug, Caleb? This is coming out in like three weeks. Oh, kindness. you like to plug caleb this is coming out in like three weeks oh kindness um treating your neighbor uh with love and respect what do i um you know if i have a show come out uh and that really that's it just come come see me at a show what are your socials oh i'm caleb says things on everything and don't you know don't follow me at this point i to delete them soon. So don't go on the socials. No, you're not. I'm going to get off.

I'm going to get off unless Marco tells me he wants me to stay. Here's where this has got to stop. Here's where this has got to stop. TikTok being taken down is bad. It's not a good thing. It would be incredible. It would be incredible for the country. And Russell's got to get in a car so we can actually have this out right now.

Russell. I can't have it out. I've got to go in three minutes. What's your plug? You can try it off. I gotta go in three minutes. What's your plug? You can, you can go to go see Titanic at Russell J.

Daniels, you know, on, on Instagram. I don't use Twitter. You're on it. I, I lurk,

but I don't. Yeah. You're a deep lurker. I'm going to be at the moon tower comedy festival this weekend. Doing just little spots here and there. Doesn't really matter to me. If you come, it doesn't change the money I get.

So come to Mike drop in Arizona, April 28th, 29th, and 30th. And otherwise, join the Patreon. Find me everywhere at JohnMarcoCerese. This is The Downside. You're listening to The Downside downside with john marco cerezi