The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #137 One Ball Brotherhood with Nimesh Patel

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

Nimesh Patel shares the upsides of having a silicone ball but mostly the downsides of losing one in the first place, having his Joe Rogan interview reappropriated by Tucker Carlson, getting jacked (and a hernia) to write for The Oscars, and we debate if NYU really wanted him to delay getting his testicular mass examined because there’s more money in chemo than an orchidectomy.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Nimesh Patel on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Twitter Watch Nimesh's special Lucky Lefty OR: I Lost My Right Nut And All I Got Was This Stupid Special here See Nimesh in a city near you Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram See Russell in Titanique in NYC! E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One, two, three. Downside. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. So we were talking about Maria Bamford. Yes.

I want to see her. There's a fucked up part. I think both her parents recently passed away. I think, I believe, I remember hearing that. I thought she did an hour on that. She cheated a court in about her mom. And then a couple of months later, I think her believe I remember hearing that I think she did I thought she did an hour on that or no she cheated a cordon about her mom and then a couple months later I think her father did but there's a fucked up thing where I'm like

well I want to see what she says about this fucked up experience it's like kind of why I want to see Mulaney's I saw him at City Winery not right after I would have killed to see him first stop. That's the thing.

I want to see the comics that I love struggle or work through something, you know, because it's just like it's seeing like a God bleed. It's like, yeah, let's see them figure stuff out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my favorite thing to do. My wife went to see him. I couldn't go. I had spots or something when he was doing city winery like very early yeah i think when rock was there i think i think rock opened or someone opened for

him that was like ridiculous they hopped on the show yeah it was that city winery for like you know that that 12 year grown or whatever the hell he did um and she said it was good but i want to say i want to say that was a year ago i think now it was just it was just like i think one part which definitely won't be in his special was he just like he talked about when the tickets went on sale the website crashed and he was talking about how when he heard that it crashed he's like yeah it fucking crashed that's right john mulaney and he really like showed that side of him that is not appealing and that's what was so good about it i had that i had a uh showing that side of me moment last night yeah i was on stage at paramount and i think like it's probably like 30 minutes into the set in in like in part of the set talking about cancer

where i'm like relaying to the crowd when i was talking to my parents about getting cancer yeah and this guy and i'd seen people like film like taking pictures and stuff and i can tell if someone's taking a picture like i'll look at it for a little bit to see if it goes down or not sure and i saw a corner of my eye this guy just had his phone up like the whole time for like five minutes and in the mid i couldn't stand it and at some point at the like once i hit the punch line i had like about talking to my dad like i was like all right i gotta come out of this fucking set real quick and be like are you recording like let's turn that off and like i had just like this moment of like i could feel myself being angry yeah and uh luckily like luckily i

caught myself being angry and i was like like because i spoke to him like an angry tone i was like what are you doing man yeah are you recording this let's delete that shit and uh it was like dead silence it's 1200 people quiet like waiting for me to like freak out or have a meltdown or something. Cause I had relayed to them. I was on shrooms at the beginning of the show. Right. And so I was like going through this emotional shit. And then luckily someone yelled out, the mesh is my birthday.

I was like, thank you, God. Because like the cancer stories of how I found out i had cancer on my birthday and so i said to that guy i was like well hope you don't get cancer and that luckily like saved the yeah yeah yeah like bailed me out of that situation because i was like bro like i i thank god for that guy saving my life because i definitely that could have gone sideways it reminds me of there was a there's a dane cook album back in the day where he really gets mad at all these people. He's like, if you keep this up, we're going to throw you out. And then his save was like,

doesn't feel like you're at the dinner table with your divorced parents or something. He had a save that it was so well scripted I'm like, oh, you must have to get angry a lot of shows. You have a perfect save. But the phone is tough i've i've had people

they're like oh my friend couldn't be here so i want her to see the show and then you tell them to stop and then they put when they bring the phone back up yes then you're stuck yes it's a very it's that has to stop i know that's one of your yeah this has got to stop like stop but it's never gonna stop my thing is this okay so it's not going to stop. I think recording will stop or should stop. Well, then you're going to have to take people's phones. You're going to get 1,200 people.

There's going to be one in the bunch who hasn't learned the code. Yeah, who's just going to sell my bootleg on fucking the streets. DVD of Nimesh Patel doing seven minutes. My point is like what is your what i wanted to talk to the guy about what i felt coming up in me was just like beyond you putting it somewhere and like i'm not saying anything wild this is like something i'm

controlling i'm telling you i'm gonna put this out in like two weeks or whatever you know like you spent a good amount of money to be here and you're just and like and like maybe as a shrooms or like existential crisis i've been having of just like what are we all doing what is it all for sure like do you not get that you should just be present like i don't understand like how you don't know that man i think it's funny being on shrooms telling someone else to be present like let me get some shrooms and i think you'll understand this a little bit better like you about being in the moment you should you should be in the moment i felt very in the moment that's the thing yeah like i knew i've been in situations before where i'm just like all right i gotta take a breath

and like get back to this before my mind goes a million miles ahead and i like destroy this guy you know and so what's what's the maddest you get i mean do you do you get a temper no i definitely have anger in me for sure yeah but are you a yeller you a cursor how do you get angry are you mean i i use well on stage i'm not i try to be very like composed like yeah i I am very composed on stage because I know that the room is dependent on my energy at the end of the day. There's definitely been moments where I've just been like flustered with anger because I know I can't act the way I, my instinct is telling me to act. Yeah. Like I, like I can be very mean. Sure. is telling me to act yeah like i like i can be very mean like every every comedian has like a very

strong capability of exacting the perfect thing to say to somebody to destroy them it could be super cruel and super mean and like destroy someone's like entire emotional well-being you know sure we all have that yeah uh deep within us you know and sure. We all have that. Yeah. Deep within us, you know, and like, it's not something I use or whatever the hell it is, but my anger, if it's not, if it's like with people in general, it used to be like, I can yell pretty, like I have a very capable yelling voice and screaming voice and all that shit, or I can be ice cold and just destroy you. So when I'm on stage and I'm, feel anger i have to i get flustered that's my emotional response because i can't be angry of course because that

would destroy it's not funny yeah it's not nothing's funny about real actual anger is not funny yeah and uh uh it becomes uh i also know that anger is very destructive as an emotion in general like throughout the world it's like half the reason the country is the way it is because I also know that anger is very destructive as an emotion in general. Like throughout the world, it's like half the reason the country is the way it is because people are angry, don't know how to behave about it. I think about Michael Richards at the Laugh Factory. It was what he was saying, no doubt. But it was also the rage. I mean, it was so hateful and angry.

Yeah. It was just awful to witness. Yes. It was like, what? Like, that is a strange thing to have in you. It's probably cooked up. It was super, supernatural anger. Yeah.

A little bit. What bothers me about people like that getting angry is like, what did you work so hard for? Mm-hmm. You got $500 million. Well, it's like, if you're in that bad a place just you can leave you don't have to do your spot right now if you're really having a real day michael richards yeah yeah go home but he you know take a nap like dave says like had a bad spot you know yeah such a good you know it's like uh we've all been there so like the anger of it

the my anger is like a, on stage. Like I was just very flustered. Yeah. And anytime I'm angry on stage, it's a, it's a, it comes out as flustered.

I'm like in disbelief almost that, a, that I'm angry. And then B, that the thing that has happened is happening. And I get mad at myself for being angry. My God, I should be more emotionally mature.

I just wish sometimes that my anger supersedes the like cutting line and it's because my father was just a yeller he was just a yeller so i just feel it in me and i just want to scream shut the fuck up and sometimes i it's very because i'll be like shut the fuck up and it's funny and it gets you know a little laugh and then other times i didn't i didn't hide it and i, shut the fuck up. And the audience goes, whoa. Welcome to The Downside. My name's Marcus Rezzi. I'm here with my very special guest, Nimesh Patel.

Thank you. Thank you for being here. You talk about doing shrooms. Yesterday, so Brandon Sagalow came up to me and he had a bag of not very appealing looking edible uh of like fruit fruit roll-up type shit you know he had to unstick it and it was like 2 p.m 3 p.m he offered some and i was like i didn't really want to get high but i was like be cool be cool you're at the comedy festival right and so he gave me a little piece and as i'm putting in my mouth he's

i was like how much is it and he though, the whole bag is a thousand milligrams. Now for me. Weed. Yeah. For me at this point of the day, if I want to be sober by the time of my show, 2.5 to 5 is what I'm looking for. And so I even like I secretly like only took half and I spit out the other half in a napkin just to be chill. Right. Not to feel like I was wasting this gift that he had given me.

Right. And I was so fucked up 30 minutes later. Oh really? I was so fucked up. I went to Barry's bootcamp as this treadmill kind of workout class. And I was like, I kept going to the wrong treadmill every time we left, came back and I was high for the shows.

And like, I would never be that high. I don't like being high. It's not a fun feeling. Let alone for this, for this thing this is still is important to me to do well on these shows and i did not like and i couldn't shake it you know i had coffee you gotta eat yeah you gotta eat food it's just eat fatty food but what about you you i mean do you do you, do you like doing, I know I, I, I forget where I was that made me say, I'll never get high on stage again. Uh, there's definitely,

I've definitely been high on stage on purpose. Uh, and the one time, one of the first times I did it, I was in DC. This was like probably like three years ago four years ago uh-huh pre-pandemic i had so i had like a weekend at uh the baron beer baron yeah i've been in dc uh-huh with the sticky floors and all that shit and uh they had papered the room um and so it was like a full room but it was like not a lot of people who knew i was like Sure. But the first show I'd done, I was recording my album. The first show I'd done went really well. So I was like, I got this in the bag. I had someone to give me some DC weed.

So I smoked a bunch of DC weed outside of the venue. Yeah. In between shows. Second show, I was fucking like, I feel bad for that crowd. Like if anyone from that show is listening, I'm sorry. I was fucking zooted. Like out of my mind like i i listened back to it like god damn it was all it was like probably like 60 quiet you know like

it was bad were you laughing though at least i was having a mediocre time because because i knew i was high as fuck and i was trying like at that point i wasn't mature enough to admit that i was high as fuck and like i thought i could still land the plane you know yeah yeah i was so fucked up i thought i was i was so confident in myself were you trying to hold on to the act to like or were you letting it loose i was letting loose i was just talking and bullshitting like because the the first show had gone so well i was like okay now i can score some additional new stuff or see how funny i actually am that we did like did me in i was like god damn that was brutal i'm sorry i put that crowd through there and then uh i think another one or two times like i was too high on stage and like it went well it went fine but i was like yeah

i don't want this feeling like i don't like being super self-conscious on stage or whatever. Well, that's it's, it's just the moment I start going like, wait, are they laughing at the joke? Or am I being weird right now? And they're laughing at once I have that thought it's over. Yes. I'm just, I'm just like, kind of, I see myself outside and I'm not in it. Yeah. That's what happened last night where like, I've never, I never went on stage high on shrooms before.

And why did, no, why did you, why did you do this? Why did I do it last night? Yeah. Because it's 420 and we're in Austin and I had relayed to the crowd, like the fans, the way we're coming, that I was going to be inebriated before like like just on uh instagram like hey it's 4 20 i got a chocolate bar full of shrooms let's have some fun and uh uh and also like i was very i remain confident my ability to perform on shrooms like no problem sure it's actually a lot of fun because i mean i had a lot of fun throughout because I was like being goofier than I normally would be. Like just having like, they definitely unlocked some kind of self-consciousness that I, that I was like happy about. Like I enjoy the self-conscious like, Oh man,

I did something really stupid. That was pretty funny. Like I was thinking that while remaining remaining in the in the set but the when that guy made me annoyed it hyper focused my anger and like became i became very aware of it very quickly sure to the point where even after like the moment was done i was back in the set back in my mind i was still still thinking, man, I was pretty annoyed just now. I wanted to leave and be like, you don't understand what

just happened. Part of me was like, does the crowd understand what I'm feeling right now? Because they definitely did not. Yeah, it's hard for them to... It doesn't seem like a big deal to them. It's just a concert. That's why I just don't think it's going to go away. And it's just like, well, these things are going to exist out there.

Well, for those tuning in for the first time, this is a podcast where we explore negativity. We let ourselves be complained, kvetched, moaned. If you're a fan, join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside for extra episodes. And my clean comedy special, Patreon exclusive, The Rats Are In Me. I did want to bring up the, well, first, I am drinking the Chuck Norris water. The Chuck Norris water, man.

This, I was at, for the Moon Tower, for those who don't know, Moon Tower Comedy Festival. It's owned by JFL now, big comedy festival in Austin. This is my first year doing it. You've been here before, I imagine. IFL now, big comedy festival in Austin. This is my first year doing it. You've been here before. I have not. Oh, you haven't? My first year as well. It's a good time.

But Chuck Norris has a water. It says it's called Sea Force. Really, way too much going on on the bottle. And it's just like it's listed as premium artesian water. And in my mind, Chuck Norris fans, they drink water from the sink. From a well. Bent over. Like, it's not this.

But you went on stage for the show we did together on Wednesday and looked up some chat GPT jokes. Yes. Some Chuck Norris water jokes. Yes. What were they again? Do you remember them? Chuck Norris' water company does not have a filtration system. Chuck Norris' water filters itself out of respect.

Yeah. When does Chuck Norris' water freeze? When Chuck Norris tells it to freeze? It's like perfect, actually. Kind of like very accurate Chuck Norris shit about water. Do you? I was with Luke Moniz last night. And I followed enough about AI.

I listened to one or two tech podcasts. Luke clearly reads books on it. And very seriously, he was like, he said, I believe that this chat GPT stuff, it's going to change society far more than the pandemic ever did. Yes. He says he's, he, he basically, his eyes said societal collapse. And I was stoned from the fucking thing from earlier in the day.

So I like, it just, it hit my heart. I like, like shivers of, Oh, I can't think about it. Sometimes I went through a big existential phase in college.

Just, just just just i couldn't let go of oh when i die what's gonna happen and part of being adult was just like sometimes when i have that thought i just have to be like no no no no no no look over here look over here because there's no end to the thought there's no like nice conclusion to it and i had to do that last night because he he really just put the fear of, oh, maybe everything I think will happen in my life is going to collapse and there will be war. I don't know if it's that extreme, but I do think the former point of it definitely radical changing society rapidly. And I just see so many jobs going away.

We have no not we don't even have a belief in universal income, at least in America. And all these jobs are going to go away. So how are people going to make money? And I just assume the rich will capitalize on it and and the classes, the middle class will be destroyed. I mean, sometimes that's what it takes. Sure. For a change to come at some point

you know these incremental changes we're trying to make uh in society aren't gonna be enough yeah enough people need to be without hope for the world to actually change it's just whether whether they'll have enough digital police dogs roaming the streets to keep everyone in line yeah by that point i last uh check you could still just turn computers off sure sure all right we we had a good run but i liked your joke basically you you you i had the thought of oh maybe live entertainment will thrive maybe a lot of this stuff will be faked, but then like personal live entertainment. And then your joke about I don't want to ruin the joke, but you do tweet it. I did tweet it. It's comedy will change because, you know, only chat GPT can effectively write like strong monologue jokes.

Yeah, they can write jokes like the chuck norris shit and it can write you know i'm i think chat gpt4 can probably do like a lot of fallon's work of course you know no disrespect to any of the writers i'm just saying it's like those jokes are not cookie cutter but they are like set up punchline you can understand how they're constructed if you study them long enough yeah and i worked at update okay weekend update saturday night live so i know what i'm talking about uh but the the only stuff that's going to remain is like the personal stand-up yeah because anyone talking about topical shit like everyone's already doing the most topical stuff like if you're on instagram and tiktok you see everyone's got clips yeah oh shit Oh, shit. The Dalai Lama did this or whatever.

You know, it's like everyone's got that take. So the only stuff that's going to matter is personal because chat. And more so, I think it's just seeing it live for the potential to fail. You can't see a chat GPT take shrooms before their big show at the Paramount. No. And get mad at someone filming. Right. Chat GPT will make their phone explode.

Yes. If it's upset about it filming. If only. But yeah, like that that is what i that's why i'm that's why i'm like not too worried about comedians sure stand up live entertainment like that's going to remain those are going to be the only kind of things that remain uh it's like if the pandemic proved anything anyone that came out of pandemic is entertainment is recession proof people the worst unless it's like you're in a great depression and no one has any money whatsoever but even then like speakeasy still existed of course but look at the failure of the metaverse the like the quiet just you know mark zuckerberg was like that off we see you we

see you zuck you fired everybody you fucking dork i got so many messages about we got our first metaverse comedy club and i was like nah nah no way that's not happening uh i think the i think a lot of people did a lot of those metaverse comedy shows and they got a lot of money sure big big name people did that stuff they got their bag good for you but i in general, I don't think people are ready to sit in their apartment with a thing on their head and like, okay, let's laugh at this shit. Those are some, I was doing the zoom heavily. They were like, I got into some different companies and there was one day I did four hours back to back of zoom shows. And I, by the end I was sweating and I was alone. I was just alone for one hour shows. Yeah. Yeah. And, and I'm just, I would lose my voice. Cause you know,

this is inanimate object that you're just like pushing and pushing and pushing. I'm sorry. You went through that. Thank you. It was the pandemic was toughest on me overall. You, you were in that, uh, Tucker Carlson trailer i was in that tucker trail okay so this was on fox has a what is it a streaming site now i don't know this is where roseanne special is located if fox has a new subscription-based streamer site and uh tucker carlson was pushing a documentary called what was it comedy is dead i refuse to know and learn the name of it but yeah and it was like you know it's it's basically like no one can be comedians anymore and they pulled clips from everything they did uh crowd work clips from my friend troy bond who couldn't be more uh more anti anti fox on his in

his whole act but then they pulled you from from joe roan. Yes. And, and it's, you just talking about it's impossible. Sometimes it's hard because it's hard to talk about people being over offended or talking about comedy without easily being able to feed into this particular narrative. Right. You can't say anything anymore. That's what that also has to stop. The idea that you can't say anything anymore. Yeah. Sometimes you can't say bad things. Yeah. That don't have a punchline and aren't necessarily funny. Like it's.

It's never a great joke anyone's defending. It's always the worst. It's just like. I said this on Rogan's podcast, too, where it's just like there are consequences to your actions. Yeah. Sorry. That's not that's not like a new thing that happens to me so i mean to anybody so when i was on when they took my shit from rogan they completely took it out of context and then they they didn't ask me

sure obviously they didn't have to because it was joe's clip but it was like that idea of making someone a martyr for something is bugs me so much you know like i'm doing fine of course of course it's always you know it's the community's doing pretty well yeah did when you found out were you like were you pissed no i was just like all right well i messaged i didn't message him i tweeted at the show tucker carlson like hey man you didn't you text to tucker hey hey brother what's up good to see you last weekend i went through my email to see who their producer was yeah because their producer had emailed me in 2018 when the columbia stuff happened oh yeah to come on their show and talk about it and i was like for a half a second i debated it yeah. To come on their show and talk about it. And I was like,

for a half a second, I debated it. Some friends like go on that show, man, fucking roast them. Other, other people, wiser people were like,

don't do it. And I was like, you're right. I don't, cause there's no way I was going to come out of that net positive. Yeah. If anything, it would have been neutral.

And there's a chance that it would have been net negative. I would have had to been like a right wing comedian, you know, or someone who's doubles down on cancel culture being like my defining thing. And what would your pronouns joke be? My pronouns are kiss my ass. That's Roseanne's. Oh, really?

I feel, I feel like every, every right wing comedians have one. My pronouns are. My pronouns are. My pronouns are. I'm too tired for this. Sure. Hey, that'll be that. That'll be that. And they'd be like, you know what?

That's a pretty nice perspective. I'm old. I'm old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my pronoun. Old. Okay. I respect whatever the fuck.

Whatever dick you want to suck and put in your mouth or ass. Do whatever the fuck you want. I don't give a shit at all. That would be like the right wing comic kind of having a breakdown on stage would be like you know what just suck whatever you want i don't actually care about this i can't pretend anymore it's so it's so like uh funny to to me to see people who care about something so not but they don't my thing is that anyone in the arts because like even those because i worked with i work with a lot of those uh right wing comics i did earlier and i'm like we do have a thing in common which is we just like the eyeballs

or we we like to express while being witnessed. And if you are into that, you work with a wide breadth of people. Yeah. And so I don't believe any of them. No, I don't believe Roseanne. I mean, please. She was in fucking. She had a TV show. Right.

She's she works with these people. It's just a money grab. It's it's like a turn, a heel turn that a lot of them want to take because for the money and for the i think that the feeling of it's like a nihilistic feeling is that it doesn't matter like speaking of tucker carlson all those texts leaked of him saying like trump is a fucking idiot i hate this guy and then he does an interview with Trump the next day and he's like, oh, oh my God, his Elon Musk one was, but but it's like no one, it doesn't

matter. It doesn't matter. I mean, there's literally text him saying, I hate this guy. And I don't know. I it doesn't matter. That's the feeling overall. Yes. Fox settled the case with the, with, uh, with dominion and like, it doesn't matter. None of it matters. That money, it's a big sum of money. doesn't matter. None of it matters.

That money, it's a big sum of money, doesn't matter. That's really what the... That's why the overarching thing with cancel culture, sorry to say that, I want to spit every time I say it. I know, that and woke. It's like... It's just a calculation of bottom line. It's like if the people who get quote unquote canceled just didn't drive enough revenue for the people canceling them for it to be a business positive

decision. So I'm sorry, you're done. Whereas if like, Oh, well we got enough. That's the only reason Fox exists is because they get enough money saying the stupid shit that they don't have to worry about canceling anybody.

I think it's I feel the same way where people go where they go. Cancer culture isn't real. I'm like, no, it's it is. People have to have changes. It's market, but it's all economic. Yes. Like people talk about it like it's moral. Cancel culture isn't real.

It's like, well, no, this person did can no longer do this particular market. So it did shift. Something changed. But no, if you mean they never worked again. Yeah, that that's the misunderstanding. That is. It's just money. It's just money.

The only person I said this on Rogan, I'll say it again. It's the only person that Tucker Carlson used this clip got canceled was Jamal Khashoggi. And that's like almost a joke. But it's also like he died yeah yeah he got beheaded because he was talking shit to somebody and saying things yeah the rest of us are fine like Columbia quote-unquote canceled me I sold out Paramount last night like I'm full of Asian people by the way so it So it's like, am I canceled? Sure. I think that when you say that, it's just like, does it just, does certain society is going to place where it's so good that then you make up these things? I mean, you know, I think if, if, if Jamal Khashoggi had been beheaded by, you know, an American,

maybe people would be like, okay, we can't say cancel culture anymore. Right. But you're right. You know, it's like we are very fortunate that we can say words are hurting my feelings to the point where we're going to get someone's job. Or very fortunate where that's an option. Yeah. Like arguing about words you can or can't say is an option. Most places you can't. This is what you can say. This is what you can't say is an option most places you can't this is what you can say this is what you can't say otherwise you get your head cut off yeah yeah america is the best

but it's also like what a what a rich problem to have okay i'm worried about saying stuff yeah what a luxury yeah yeah this is a fun um podcast to complain about things. Yeah, it is. I enjoy complaining. I forgot that part of my emotional register. Please lean in. Your dad, your parents got divorced when you were two. Correct.

Well, I did some thorough research. Oh, yeah. It was funny. I saw it. We ran into each other here when you were two. Correct. Well, I did some thorough research. Oh, yeah. It was funny. I saw it. We ran into each other here. We were at the airport. We landed in the same plane. Yes.

And you went right to the gym. And I work out. I work out pretty regularly. But the moment you went, I was like, fuck, I got to go work out too. Fuck. I thought it was the only comic, like taking care of myself. And then I go there and there's like eight comics fucking working out. The moment they landed, I'm like, shit. No, for me me it was my room wasn't ready yeah yeah and uh and i i was

annoyed i was at first like when i landed i was like where's my car uh and i i had no sleep the night prior because i went to sleep like one my flight was at seven so i was up at like five early flight and uh and i didn't make it to jfk in time to uh get a meal in so i ate on the plane a little bit but i was so a little grumpy when i landed i couldn't get a car and i was like where the is my car then i had to get an uber and i was like why i spend money when this supposed to be a car here for me yeah and. And then when I got to the hotel, the room wasn't ready. And I'm like, every comedian here is here for the festival. Like, I'm not sure why you don't have rooms ready for all of us. Like, I understand it's sold out or whatever, but like, come on.

So to keep me from sitting in that annoyed space, I was like, well, you have a gym, right? And they're like, yeah. I was like, does it have a shower? I was like, oh yeah. I was like, okay, well I'll just go do that. Yeah. And then I did that for like an hour or so. Cause normally I work out like 40, 45 minutes.

Um, but like an hour, an hour and five. Cause I was like, let me just kill as much time as possible. Yeah. And in that working out, I was like,'s like man i'll be a real dickhead no you didn't you didn't reveal it i didn't say anything no before like when at the front at the desk yeah yeah like they're like well check-in's not at four until four i was like i'm aware do i strike you as someone that doesn't go to hotels it was annoying this hotel it's like it's two hotels in one and they keep insisting that and

i'm like no it's it's one hotel yeah one side is shittier than the other uh so it's fine yeah one side it's a red carpet one side it's a blue carpet you're blue i'm red it's black is yours is yours better i don't know i haven't seen the mine's small but i i requested a suite yeah yeah because when i do the paramount I can request a suite too. Well, I mean, I'm paying for it. Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I had to pay the difference, but it's like I'm, I spend so much time in hotel rooms.

Of course, please. That it's like, I need space just from like walking around. Because part of my writing process is like on some nights when I'm on the road a lot and there's not parties every night. Like get high after the show yeah i'll just pace around my room and like listen to music and just talk to myself really and i just need that space yeah physical spaces i do that i'll just be if someone was watching from outside like they just see an indian guy with his headphones on just sure sure sometimes the music will kick and i'm just you know i talk to myself sometimes i did this yesterday it's so embarrassing i'm talking to myself and then i pass like a person and i'm always have my headphones

so i pretend for like three seconds that i'm on the phone yeah yeah like yeah uh-huh so yeah i think i got got the Oscar for that role because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I like I from on the road, I get stoned, light stoned during the day and I'll do an activity. And that's when I do like my writing. Got it. Nice notes in my phone. I can't do excuse me before shows. I can't get high before shows.

Yeah. before shows yeah like i not from my my brain's all up but from uh i know that it will i'll forget something or i'm not at my peak energy levels before show uh my pre-show routine i'm like i try to lebron like my pre-show you know it's like very regimented yeah lunch around noon i gotta take a nap i gotta get my gym in i gotta shower uh and then i gotta like write like 30 minutes before the show like just like what just put the set list together yeah that's what i do you know it's just like a very structured kind of thing yeah and then uh the show happens then i'll get high afterwards sometimes yeah yeah so all that to say i need this space are you listening back to the sets or are you?

I wish I did. I have a new thing, transcribes it pretty well. And I can scroll through it and just look through what I want to. When, how quick, what's the turnaround? Right away. What's the app? 10 minutes. It's called Transcribe.

So yeah, basically it writes out kind of everything I said and then it breaks it into chunks. So if I go like, Ooh, let me hear how that played. What's the app look like? Oh, that's pretty good. And it does a pretty decent job. It's called transcribe. Yeah. That's the app on the Apple store.

Yeah. How much is it? I think the it's free, but like I buy like 10 hours for 20 bucks or something, or you can do, I'm thinking of just subscribing full time. Cause it's cause especially the worst is when I have a two show, I want to, sometimes I want to know some stuff from that first show before the second

show. And when I do this, I can figure it out real fast. Right, right, right. Um, I definitely got to get on that.

Uh, I, I usually put my, I send my sets to the rev.com if I need it. Yeah. But no, this is good. If that's automatic.

Yeah. Transcribe, please sponsor this. Yeah. So your, your parents got divorced when you were two. You, you don't really,

do you think you have snapshots, snapshots of your dad in your mind? Like when you were that age or two, there's no memories. There's zero. You've never met him since you've never and you've never wanted to you don't even know if he's do you know if he's alive or dead he's alive he is alive he's alive uh where jersey um from what i understand uh would be funny if he saw you in the taco carlson thing it would be that's what he was

it would be fucking and that's when he reached out he was like hey i can't believe you made it so far i know uh uh i know he's got he got remarried and all that kind of shit kids yes from what i understand who's giving you this information your your mom oh i'll just no i'll just hear a piecemeal from like random like my the last i heard was from uh a wedding planner who my cousin was friends with who was ending up planning that his other kids wedding or something jesus christ right and i'll be like what well that's great but i don't need to know all this shit going on but like the uh the rub is like i can't care i'm not gonna reach out i refuse to do that uh i never is the thing about pride like do you want do you have anything inside you that wants him to reach out no not at all i think part of this is like all right well uh i guess i don't understand that part of manhood where it's like

okay like cold-blooded but that might be where i get it well i could just i can be very cold and just like yeah you're out of my life forever i can do that yeah what you do with friends exes what do you mean i've done it with exes for sure yeah and just like all right we're done that kind of thing so it's like i know that exists in me and uh the desire to open up all that beyond it just being like what happened like my mom remarried you know yeah the the my dad the guy that raised us is like god you know so it's like for me it's like i don't i don't ever want him to think that i'm lacking something yeah i mean oh i get that i get that and it's more like all right well to what end it's not like i'm gonna establish another relationship i'm barely holding on to the ones i got you know i just want to i i never met my dad's dad at least and my dad had a fucked up family and so i feel

i think because of that i've never really had an interest in my heritage like i know my great grandpa's name and i've never bothered you know there's a someone made a family tree at one point i never gave a shit and i sometimes wonder if it's whether it's a connection that would like make me feel, I don't know, more part of the world, part of the it's it's to not for me to not really be interested of where I came from. Like literally the human beings that resulted in my existence. I wonder if I have a detachment that would make me feel something good. I don't know. I don't know. Like, like, I think if I had a kid.

What if you found out you were a descendant of like a billionaire and that all he wanted was for you to like acknowledge that he existed? Oh, here's the keys to the castle. Sure. You know, I, you know, there's Italian somewhere. There's there's Bob somewhere. And I'm like, I'm sure it's interesting. But for some reason, I don't really give a shit at all. But I'm sure Leighton in me is some curiosity.

But yeah, I got too much of the shit I'm not curious about that. I'd much rather be curious about. Yeah. To focus my energy on that, you know? Sure. That's where I'm at. And your mom and your stepdad are still married. Yeah. And you refer to him as dad. Yes. Yeah. Stepdad almost offends me. Sure. I get that. You know, I had a stepdad. I called him, I just called him Bill. Yeah. That would be bad if I did that, but it would, uh, but yeah, like it's.

How old were you when they got married? My parents? Yeah. Uh, I don't know, four, maybe. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So that's from, that's from the beginning.

Yeah. Uh, like I, but I don't have any memories of, I have very few memories of childhood. Like I'm sure like they're blacked out. I'm sure they're repressed.. I'm sure they're repressed. Why? That I won't talk about. Okay. But yeah, there's very few memories of childhood.

Yeah. And it's concerning because I don't know if I went through anything physical that had fallen on my head a bunch of times that I don't remember shit. Yeah. fall on my head a bunch of times that i remember shit you know yeah so uh uh all that like when they got married all that kind of stuff is all just like out of my head like there's no memories there but i think what's what's my father he had a he had a heart surgery last year and i had that thought speaking of like not being interested in my heritage or knowing a lot about my family, was, oh, I'd love to know the full medical history of my entire family.

And it's just like, oh, that is the part that is good to know. I would like to know. I suddenly go like, yeah, you know what? I'd like to know how everyone died. I would love a document of how everyone died. I know on my mom's side there's like a lot of suicides so I'm like okay I can keep an eye on that one when I got the cancer diagnosis my sister did some digging and found out that I think my paternal grandfather or something had died of cancer yeah something like oh all right old that makes sense yeah like oh that now makes sense

that i had it uh because like no one on my on my mom's side her aunt had her aunt passed away from leukemia but i don't know if like so i know cancer's in the family tree somewhere sure uh uh but like that to echo what you said yes it would be good to know how everyone's yeah it's like my dad's dad died of a heart attack and i always want to ask like like crudely i'm like was he fat was he was he did he eat shit like i want to know like nothing it won't happen to me like that right but it's also like what can you you control? Sure. You're only controlling what you can control. Of course. Of course.

And therefore, I don't give a fuck about how they died or what they did. I know that my mom's got arthritis. It probably explains why my knees hurt. Uh-huh. I got to mitigate that. My mom's dad had a quadruple bypass at like 70 years old. How old? 70. Oh, 70. I thought you said seven. I bypass like 70 years old. How old? 70.

Oh, 70. I thought you said seven. I was like, God damn. No, no, no. Like 70 years old. If he had a quadruple bypass when he was seven, they would have had to invent the quadruple bypass like 30 years prior to when they actually did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1933 when he was seven. But anyway. He'd be like the first pig's heart yes he would not i would not be here today if he had a quite good bypass at seven but like i know that but indian people in general we have poor heart health um it's like south asian americans have poor heart health and why is that because we're like skinny fat yeah all our food at least my generation's generation above like it's vegetarian and all that but it's like cooked in oil and like you eat bread and spices for breakfast like it's not good for you sure and like the are so you think american sugar is

american sweets are bad like have an indian dessert it's just like gulab jamun is one of most famous desserts it's literally a donut it's a munchkin sugar ball dipped in syrup yeah and that's like you could eat like three four of those and that's like dessert it's like no you are eating diabetes you know and so like indian americans have this high incidence rate of heart disease as it is because on the outside we're skinny yeah but in like my grandpa was skinny so sure yeah like you know a belly that developed but he's also like 95 but yeah so we don't necessarily see us being unhealthy sure so it's always on the inside but you know i take care of myself now because i know that that's happening. And I'm beyond it being in my genetic dispositions.

Like, why wouldn't I do that? Why wouldn't I take care of myself if I can? So when you found out you had been a very funny podcast, by the way, I'm sorry, Josh. I think the visual of the seven year old getting a quintuple bypass got a couple of laughs in there. So when you you found out about the cancer, it's, was it one testicle? One testicle. Righty is gone. Special coming out.

It's called Lucky Lefty. It's on YouTube. Please go watch it. Hell yeah. So you found out, you said you had had a hernia before. I had, this is the arrogance of myself. Yeah. And I was on the road and I was like doing a bunch of shows and my balls hurt a little bit.

But I was like, no, I've just been working out like a motherfucker. Yeah. I got a hernia from a deadlift. I know that feeling. You know, that's all it is. And like I've had a hernia before. That was in 2016. Like when I got the Oscars writing job,

I was like, I'm going to the Oscars. I gotta get in fucking shape. I'm going to be in the writer's room. I'm going to be the Oscars and be fucking pumping. I'm going to have me in my tux. People don't see me when the credits flash at the very end. Yes.

No. At the governor's ball. When I sit by myself because everyone around me is mega famous. Yes. And I'm like, what? Oh, yeah, this is not. I think I'm in a- Because that super fit right over there.

I think I'm in a nice tux. Meanwhile, everyone's been dressed like Tom Ford. Of course. Of course. I'm like, oh, my parents got me this. You know, it was my 30th birthday gift off the rack at Ralph Lauren for sale. You know, like- Were you in shape? Were you in good shape at that point? Yes, I was in good shape. sale. You know, like, yeah. Were you in shape?

Were you in good shape at that point? Yes, I was in good shape, but I had a hernia. That's what it cost. Did you have the hernia while you're at the Oscars? I had the hernia January 2016. Oscars were February 2016. So I was working out a lot. Yeah.

I felt that pain. I was like, what the fuck? Like that. The next morning I went to the I was like the fuck like that the next morning went to the city MD they were like oh yeah you got a hernia you need surgery

I was like fuck how long does it take they're like probably takes like a day for a half a day for the surgery or not even like an hour for the surgery

like a week or so of recovery I was like okay that's it? a week? yeah so it's like they stitch you I mean it's like you can walk and all that's it week yeah it's just like they stitch you i mean it's like you can walk and all that kind of shit after it's still like the scar takes a very long time yeah

yeah did you get the mesh put in yeah the mesh put in yeah yeah and so i remember before the oscars like how am i gonna get in shape again how do i gotta stay in shape i got like two weeks and like i asked the doctor this is so funny this is the last thing that matters for the fucking oscar yeah but i wanted to fuck it i want to be cool man yeah and uh uh but i asked the doctor if i could swim and he's like yeah you could swim just like don't do anything crazy and uh so i would the hotel that they put us up i had a beautiful pool so i would just go swim and like try to make sure that the the bandage like didn't show. Yeah. I don't want

anyone to see like all this man is swimming with a fucking giant like 40 stitches in his abdomen right now. I was just like, you know, doggy paddle, try to do shit. Didn't really work. I mean, I didn't win any awards at the Oscars for most fit. Did you walk? Did Chris go like man you look no no no these jokes trash but god damn you're looking good are you on

opioids right now i am i am chris i am on opioids did you get any particular jokes into the oscars that year no i i had one or two that got cut from dress or air, I think. And it was like, I pitched a joke to Chris the night or two prior when we were talking about acting. So he wrote the set. He wrote the set, all of us together. And he was running it at the store and a bunch of clubs in L.A. And I think a night or two prior to the the show he was this is he was talking about the oscars being or excuse me actors being brave and so brave is not acting's not brave i pitched uh

brave is drinking a glass of water in flint michigan this is when flint was popping off yeah it wasn't now it was like an old day yeah and And he punched it up to say on stage, he said, brave is drinking a glass of Kool-Aid in Flint, Michigan. And like that crushed. And then I'm not sure if he made it today. I don't think it did. It might've been cut. Yeah.

Or he might've just cut it on the fly kind of thing. Sure. But that was like the one thing I remember him laughing at it and it crushing in the, when we did at the store and stuff, I's enough sure for me it would've been great to have jokes on like in the actual monologue yeah I did get a sketch on I think the Suge Knight thing that we did was a my pitch I think mm-hmm but yeah it was it was a fun experience working out had nothing to do with it. I didn't, I didn't need to have a hernia to, uh, to go to the Oscars, but I did get a lot of drugs out of it and, uh, I got a, I got a bid out of it.

So thank you, uh, Chris Rock once again. Sure. So, so you had that and you go, okay, that's what bald pain is. Yes. That's what we're talking about. I thought I, I thought I had a hernia and, uh, you know, the arrogant old me is like, I could wait,

I could ride this out, you know? Yeah. Plus I had a bunch of dates coming up and, uh, and honestly I was like, really like, you know what it is.

Like you, you record a special, you don't want to do any of that shit again. And, uh, I just come off tour in February and i just recorded my special in december thank you china that special i was like i got two weeks off and uh i got nothing no jokes that i want to do the fuck am i going to talk about uh same night my birthday night my balls hurt and i go

and i was like something in the back of my head was like, this is not right. There's something, if I want to know if it's a hernia, then I can wait. How would you describe the pain? Cause they always ask, like I had a ball pain recently and it was like hollow was the best I could come up with. And they said it was just, they said it was my hamstring, something fucked up. They put, they numbed it and it was fine. But, but how you've described it it's so hard a hernia pain is a sharp pain uh-huh right you've had a hernia

before it's like if you don't recall it's a sharp pain in your balls and you're like what the fuck it's like it hurts this was like a dull like someone's like flicking my ball. And it was like a dull pain that just wouldn't go with linger. Yeah. Hernia pain like is sharp and it'll stop. This is like a dull pain that lingered for a little while and like lingered for too long. And I was, I was peeing.

I was like, it's three, it literally was like three o'clock in the morning when I got back from drinking with my sister and wife and Che and a bunch of people and I was like this this isn't right and I'm drunk yeah I'm like this is doubly wrong because if you're drunk you usually don't feel shit I got walked home on a sprained ankle sure drunk you know I'm fucking fine is nothing but like I'm drunk and, man. It's nothing.

But like, I'm drunk and I feel pain. I should go to the hospital. Because if it is a hernia pain, which is what I think it is, I'll just wait. I can eat the hernia pain. I'll just wait. Sure. But if it's like epididymitis or torsion. Yeah. Because that's what I heard when I was in

high school. There was a rumor. If you fuck someone too hard from behind, you might tear your ball. They got to take it off. Yes. I thought I would. That's a, I mean,

well, I'm fucking nobody at the time. And I was like, Oh, this is so stressful. I don't even know. That's why I don't fuck. I'm not trying to get torsion,

but it was, it was like, that was part of my concern. I was like, do I have torsion? Is it on my, my, uh, like, am I in the midst of getting like was like do I have torsion is it I'm like my uh what like am I in the midst of getting like a really

bad case of torsion or something yeah yeah yeah and let me just go and that requires you to have surgery yeah that otherwise you lose the ball they have to go in there and untwist it or some shit like let me go to the hospital call a car to the hospital get it to the hospital they do an ultrasound

and I'm like, all right, it's not torsion or I hope it's not torsion. If it's torsion, hopefully they got to go and just fix it real quick. Yeah. Come back. It's not torsion. You have a mass,

uh, on your right testicle. And, uh, I was like, all right, the fuck does that mean? Like,

we don't know. We don't know what it is. Uh, it doesn't look like anything. And, uh, uh, they're like, okay they sketch like this is what bothered me a lot and it didn't hit me as to uh how fucked up it was until i talked to my urologist like when i was shooting the special yeah i was at

nyu.er where i went to get my ultrasound. They see it's a mass. The next day, they tell me to call NYU to schedule follow-up. And they say it's going to take two months to see a doctor. I'm like, two months? You tell me I got a mass on my nut? I got to wait two months? Yeah.

I'm not Canadian, bro. I got insurance. I'm going to go to see a doctor immediately. Of course. And they're like, no, it's a standard protocol. You just wait two months. We'll see, you know, if the mass has grown, then we'll go in there and cut. If not, you know, it's nothing to go worry about. And my urologist was like, you know why they do that?

And I was like, I thought it was just so that they could wait. And like they were trying to make NYU trying to make me see NYU so they could keep the money in the family kind of thing. Sure. The doctor gave me even more sinister take. He's like, you know why they do that, right? I was like, why? He's like, because there's more money in giving you chemo. No, really?

I was like, that's fucking sinister, bro. That is fucking. No, that can't be true. Isn't that crazy? That's horrifying. That's horrifying. He's like, yeah, all right. be true. Isn't that crazy?

That's horrifying. That's horrifying. It's like, yeah, all right. Well, if it metastasizes, you have a lifelong patient or a patient that's going to be with you for six months to a year versus you go in, snip it out. That's... You're done. That'd be like if NYU had a funeral home service attached and they'd be like, we'll check it on

in five years. Five years because we make a lot more, a bigger profit off the casket. There's no money in the cure. The money's in the medicine. I learned that from Chris Rock. Chris Rock. You know, but it's like, it holds true.

And I was like, that bothered me so much. Luckily, I learned it, you know, like, like a month ago. Like, I didn't even consider that sinister ass angle about the whole thing. That's one of those things where I hear it and I go, Ooh, that's dark. And I can't tell whether it's an overly cynical view or if it's true. I can't tell me. I think the world's so unorganized that it is just, they don't have time and they're overbooked and things are never, there's no one smart enough to make it as sinister as, as your imagination might make you think. your optimism but i think it's a very sad optimism it's not that optimistic but i think uh i think people are more stupid than they are evil i think is my my hypothesis it's a beautiful hypothesis

but i think uh i don't think you could be smart enough to become a urologist but also be so stupid as to think that yeah like oh i can't organize my schedule such that, you know, we'll see people immediately like that, like that. There's no way. Sure. And I think people who are smart enough to, it's again, just goes back to the bottom line. Every insurance company, every healthcare company is, you're a number to them, right? It's like, what are the odds? What's the maximum revenue we can generate from you as a

patient that you won't die. Let's do that. You know, it's, it's very rarely about the quality of this person's existence or, uh, uh, the general wellbeing. It's just, okay, how do we milk as much money from you as possible? And whether that, that's how your premiums are based. That's how all your care is dictated so for them to be like two months hopefully it doesn't spread if it does we got you you know it's like that that i can see happening you know so next day so the next day you go fuck that i'm finding my own person i got six doctor cousins eight actually and uh call one of them you know's the beautiful thing about America. If you got insurance and Indian cousins, you will be fine. I just called one of them.

They're like, oh yeah, I'll connect you to my urologist friend. Urologist calls me a few hours later. He sees the ultrasound. He's like, it's a benign cyst, but I'm going to order some blood work. Because the cancer, the mass itself had no vascularity. Yeah.

And that's like the prime, one of the prime indicators for it being a tumor versus it being a cancerous tumor versus it being like a benign cyst. And he said, he asked me what kind of pain I felt and I told him it was pain. And he's like, that's, that's very not like cancer because cancer does,

testicular cancer doesn't present as pain It presents us like the feeling you feel is a is a weight Yeah, like you feel like like it has to get it's a mass So it's definitely just a weight in your balls or like a pain in your balls like so what was the pain doc? He's like probably some inflammation your epididymis, you know, very common take medicine. It's gonna go away I was very cool. And like that night it's gonna go away i was very cool and like that night it was the day after my birthday i was like well i'm chilling i was it was a scare but i'm good next day at nine o'clock in the morning i go get the blood work and uh it was like just like such

a surreal experience because this lady was like super nice Eastern European lady And like it was I cut this part from the special but I was doing it for a second on stage It was just like she's like I made a I hate needles. I thought I relayed that to her How bad like are you like are you they like you need to sit still? I had an age I hated him too and I used to squirm You need to sit still. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop give me lollipop no it wasn't nothing like that it was just i just made a very tense fist and uh she's like about to put the needle and she dropped it oh and she's like i'm so sorry you know you know i thought you were gonna hit me and i was like what you thought i was gonna hit you she's like yeah some guys you're the toughest guys they come in and then like it's just a

knee-jerk reaction they just fucking swing i was like no lady you're too Eastern European like that's not happening oh my god you just punched this nurse and it's like a reaction like no that's not happening lady I'll be fine don't worry then I just was like I gripped both things get the blood work and they ordered like a bunch of panels normally it's like one or two but i guess the cancer panel is like a few and then he rushed the results and the next day like 7 45 in the morning my phone's ringing and i'm like why am i getting a phone call from my doctor at 7 45 yeah i hope it's normally like good news you can wait sure sure bad news is you want to

learn immediately, right? Hey, I just wanted you to have a really good morning. Yeah. Let you know everything's good. I'm hungover, you know. I'm just like, oh, fire. What's up, man? It's like, listen, I was wrong.

It's not a cyst. Your blood work indicates you've got cancer. You have to have surgery. I'm sorry to tell you this, but good news is you caught it very early. Emotionally, where are you at? What kind but good news is you caught it very early. Like, like emotionally where you at, what kind of person are you freaking out? You know, no,

like no registration of, uh, what is happening at all. It's just like problems. My brain goes problem solve. Uh, okay. Cancer. What am I supposed to do?

Surgery. Okay. When do we schedule Tuesday? Okay, cool. Can I still go on the road? No, you should probably, can they wait? No. Okay. okay cancer what am i supposed to do surgery okay when do we schedule tuesday okay cool can i still go on the road no you should probably can they wait no okay because i got road dates okay when do i tell my folks like you can tell them now uh this is what it is is there any chance it's not that no this is like your panels are this this isn't this and then they knew right away it was just one ball no they knew right

because the other one didn't have anything didn't have it okay cool and they were like it's very early like it's probably weeks old you know damn because it was like my the size of the mass was on its own very small no vascularity but on top of that the hormone indicator that the hcg it's like the i forget what it stands for but it's like the main one of the indicators that indicates you have cancers the stuff that likes placenta grow it's like germ cell uh uh tumor the hormone indicator was at 35 micro units per liter or something sure people with like cancer cancer are at like Thousands. Yeah, mine was literally 35 would it be called stage one or even before that stage? 01 ta like the best kind of testicular cancer you could have. Yeah, I had yeah and

The doctor was like yeah Regardless you gotta get it cut out like immediately because you don't want it to break off and go to lymph node, that kind of thing. I was like, alright. Then I did go into denial loosely because I was bargaining. I knew my

ball was going to die. I was going through all those stages of grief. Were you like, I couldn't pick my balls out of a lineup. Were you like holding it? Were you looking at it like, all right, I've gone through all those stages of grief. Kind of. Were you like, I couldn't pick my balls out of a lineup. Were you like holding it? You're looking at it like, I guess you're going away. You got to go, bro. It's all right, man.

Were you Googling like, how will this affect boners? I, I, my first thought was. Right. That's, that's your first question immediately. I thought prosthetic. Did you get a prosthetic? I did get a prosthetic. They put a fake, and this is,

it might be like my memory or the doctor didn't tell me that he was going to put a fake one in. I kind of just woke up and I was like, what the fuck is this shit? I thought it was going to look a lot different than it did. I thought it was going to be like a deflated

balloon kind of thing. Sure. But it was like just a regular old ball sack. And I was like, he's like, yeah, I got you. Did it look the same? Was it more even? It looks like nothing ever happened. But it's because it's your skin.

Yes. It's your testicle. It's my scrotum. Scrotum. And they go in like right above. It's kind of hard to point out here, but they go in right above. You watch the video, guys. Dimesh is now on the table. He's kind of hard to point out here, but they go in right above. You watch the video, guys. Dimesh is now on the table.

Put your pants back on. Here's the degree. When women get fake tits, sometimes with their friends, they're like, feel them. Feel them. I feel like the guys be like, do you want to feel the fake ball? Don't touch the ball, man. What is it made out of? Silicone.

So it's got a squish to it. It's kind of like a lychee candy. Have you ever had one of those? It's firm and soft at the same time. It's very nice. It's a lot more confidence-inspiring than the left one, the fake than the real one. You could feel the difference between the two. 100%. 100%. And the fake one's a little bit%. You could squeeze the right one. The left one, the real one, it still has some sensitivity to it. It could hurt if you squeeze it too hard.

The right one is a stress ball. I could go to town, dude. Oh, my God. That's your new stress ball. But yeah, so when the doctor told me, I woke up and I was like, what the fuck is this? He's like, I got you hooked up. And they put a fake one in because like psychologically men need to. Like they did. I do this in the special.

So I don't want to shit on too much, but I'll step on it too much. But it's like I didn't know this, but it's like psychologically men need two balls. When they have one, they go crazy. A guy with one, a guy versus a guy with two. Like they've done studies and people with the guy with one like always feels less masculine less like a man subconsciously even really and like it drills away at you like i only got one ball whereas the guy with two still feels complete i wonder if i feel the stress of it i feel like one's better it It's more convenient. Yeah, I don't know. When I started Googling,

my first Google was... It must have been a horrifying list of Googles. The first was like... Literally, the first one was what else could make this hormone go up?

You're going to re-diagnose it. Yeah. I was like what what else could cause this and that's the bargaining stage yes yes like i and i read this thing that says like uh like i'm not high times.com you know it's just something like obscure site that says like weed can make it might elevate this hormone level falsely i was like do i have a false positive here because I had smoked that Friday night when I got told I had a mass yeah like when and I had talked after I talked to urologist he told me it's fine like I was like celebrating I fucking took a bong to the face like I was I love the doctor being like he's like okay so it's either cancer are you high as fuck yeah smoking

let me ask you do you have the munchies? You're good, bro, man. Go eat a cupcake. You'll be fine. And I called it and I was like, I called him. He was like,

Hey man, like, uh, I love all these doctors getting these phone calls. Be like, no, it's, was it not high times.com?

No, no, it's not. It's like, uh, you match that. That's a false. Uh,

there's no way you're, your weed smoking is causing you to have a falsely elevated ACG level. Okay. You idiot. Stop trying to not have surgery. Okay. And, uh,

uh, I was like, okay, fine. And then my mom, my mom was more concerned about my jizz than I was in the sense of like, can you still have kids like freeze your sperm and all this kind of shit. And the doctor, I asked the doctor, can I, do I freeze it?

He's like, no, you don't freeze before because you don't want any sperm coming from that defective ball anyway. Really? You know, because that's the, that sperm coming from that ball is tainted with cancerous cells somehow, potentially. What would the kid come out like? Would the kid come out with? Who knows? Sure. It's just a right wing lunatic, you know?

And so I was like, okay. And then my mom was like, make sure. I'm concerned. Just check. So she wasn't, your mom wasn't like, can you still fuck? No. She was just like, can you fuck at one time yes exactly can you have kids like how does it what is it how does it impact everything and i was like and she just make sure that you're doing the right thing here

and i read this other thing um that says that the baculon will test for testicular cancer is to get a pregnancy test because the indicator, the hormone that the pregnancy test reads is the same hormone that's present in people with testicular cancer. So I went to the bodega and all my cousins were like, no, you have cancer.

No, you dumbass. Yeah, sure. Go get the fucking first response from the bodega it's gonna tell you the same you should post a picture that positive test I wish hey good cancer I wish I had it I wish it's like a it's a fucking little like COVID

test size yeah thing and I saw some tweet someone sent their friend a positive COVID test and they're like congrats it's fucking COVID yeah I took the test you piss in a cup dip the stick in

and comes back and it's like super faint but it was still like positive I was like okay I guess I have a baby now and it was that and then the next day it was like three days of just like talking figuring out what i was supposed to do the day before surgery was like i went on a

i was at jersey city medical center for like five hours doing like the pre-surgery check-in paperwork bullshit and like i, I got to get blood work. They got to test me for COVID. They got to make sure I can pay for it. I got to give them like a thousand bucks deposit. At like seven, eight o'clock in the morning, mind you.

Do all that after like four hours, five hours. I get back to my apartment in Brooklyn. and then the doctor's office calls me he's like oh you went all the way to jersey city you could you could have done that like two blocks from your house like bro i just ate like five hours out of my day and i'm like like if i have the tweets that i was tweeting up from that, that day last year. Yeah.

Like at the hospital, like just going off on American healthcare. Like this is a criminal enterprise. Like everyone just sitting here, just wait. Like there's nurses under staff. No one here is being paid. I'm more likely to get COVID here. Why am I going,

why do I got to go this far to get a COVID test? It's only because they can maximize the money here. They got some deal going on with the COVID test. I was just like, I know enough about healthcare. You're dropping the chemo thing. I also heard this. Get this shit. If I didn't know that, if I knew that at the time, I would have just walked away from the whole thing. But it was just like,

I was fucking livid. And I'm very privileged. Of course. I have very good insurance and I'm connected to enough doctors where I'm getting surgery three days after diagnosis, which is like insane. Yeah, it's not emergency surgery. And I'm connected. I mean, I'm connected through the the jewish doctors like yeah someone knows someone who even if maybe i can't get an appointment right away but like i can be like hey do i need to freak out about this right now right and they can give me that peace of mind which is worth all the money in the world for me and and i'm still sitting there livid i can't imagine what some of the people around me are going through because not everyone has what i have not everyone has like this hyper connection not everyone has like the best insurance on the planet.

And so I was fucking heated. And I'm talking shit about doctors. I'm talking shit about hospitals, insurance companies. And then I got doctors coming at me like, you don't know shit about healthcare. Or word, I don't know shit about healthcare. Let me talk to my six doctor cousins. And then we can have a conversation about, I don't know shit about health care just because i'm their doctors defending the system they must all be frustrated too some doctors defend the system some doctors don't like that the blame is upon income is on

them and i get that you know uh but i also understand that a lot of doctors are part of the problem yeah yeah and so if you take it personally uh I get it. But also, you know, I always try to I wanted to be a doctor when I was in high school and part of college. Do you know what kind of doctor you want to be or just you want to be in the profession? I wanted very early on. I wanted to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. I just a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon when I was a kid because I had a family member or family friend who was a child that had a hole in his heart. And I was like, that's so cool that you, that people fix this and, you know, like save lives and shit. Sure. And I just thought it was like a very noble, of course it is a noble profession. It is. And, uh, uh, you know, I got a C plus in Orgo,

my junior year and it was very quickly dissuaded. Uh, you're going to kill more kids than you're going to say. And my heart was literally not in it you know i don't want to do this shit at all it's like i was a quitter i quit sure and so uh in like when i when i come at doctors it's not just from a uh consumer standpoint it's from a standpoint of i know i'd like to believe that if I were a physician on top of saving lives, I'll be fighting the man. I'm fucked this system. Like all these MBAs are coming in.

They don't know shit about healthcare. Just trying to maximize the revenue of this hospital and this per bed kind of bullshit. That's what's going on. Yeah. And that is part of the problem. Of course. But in that

hospital room that morning i'm sitting there like fuck all this meanwhile i'm benefiting from the hyper capitalism in the system you know like i'm i'm seeing a doctor literally two business days after my balls hurt well i think that's what reinforces it is that the rich people also get really good, really good doctors. Yeah. You know, my doctor was incredible.

Part of, part of like, you know, making it universal is everyone gets the same and that's just counter to people in powers interest. Yes. And it's like, well,

I gotta be here with the poor. So, you know, yeah, yeah. My doctor better have gone to like, and like people might have, might try to have moral views, poor. So, you know. Yeah. Yeah. My doctor better have gone to Hopkins. And like people might have, might try to have moral views,

but when it comes to them dying, potentially, you're going to see the worst of everybody. Yep. That's what it is. In terms of losing a ball, do, how does it affect performance?

You don't have to tell me your performance, but what did you Google? When you, does it say like half as much? It doesn doesn't or does one ball make up for it it just starts overdrive it that's that's what it is yeah the doctor told me is like no this is the human body is like this miraculous thing people barely understand sure or it's like the body knows if one thing is gone, like it'll over time produce the same amount. It'll make up the slack for what the missing ball is doing. Yeah, that's awesome. And then luckily for me on the road, like I've done, you know, a billion shows at this point talking about this shit.

And so like at a lot of shows, people will be like, man, I had cancer. I got one ball. I got three kids. I'm like, you're good, man. I'm like, thank you.

Thank you for that vote of confidence. I don't want three. That's a lot, but yeah, I'm glad your shit still worked afterwards. You know? And like that, that's always been like a heartwarming to hear and like a very funny way.

Hey man, I lost a nut. I got three little rugrats running around. Wish I lost them both you know that kind of shit yeah yeah all right cool man that's that makes me feel good that like it's still uh all good down there do you have any paranoia because my whole thing is if i lost one ball i'd just be thinking about the other one oh yeah not that that is a hard thing to uh not think about uh but i have managed to not think about it because that's not in my control. If I if I lose if I lose the other one, I'm going full trance for sure. I'm getting titties.

That dick will be a clit real fast. The biggest clit in the world is out there. We'll see how the medical system deals with that. They'll figure it out they'll be like they actually didn't need to take your balls it's just they make more money off the trans surgery than they do off the nut surgery you're right and that's how you do it um well i'm glad i'm glad you're okay thank you very much yes i'm glad i'm okay too i uh fuck man i just i like the idea of a lot of guys coming up to you now being like i got one ball too you would be got a one ball brotherhood it's that's who i'm banking on watching this special i feel like a lot of people who are friends with people who had testicular cancer or torsion or

whatever will be hey bro this guy you guys should start a club yeah two balls one dude you know like i got shit just like uh two balls two dudes whatever the fuck but it's been consistent uh when i do shows where i meet people afterwards yeah people will be like hey man just wanted to let you know man thank you i appreciate i went through the same thing yeah can we get a picture can you picture you get your ball out let's do it together my favorite was in uh i was in a danya beach improv in florida yeah and uh normally i'll just like pick like one or two people out of the crowd they're just like and i don't want to reveal too much sauce, but sorry to break the fourth wall.

But it's like, I will talk to like one or two people in the crowd to make it feel like I'm having a conversation. Of course. So that, you know, the rest of the crowd is jealous and they want to have a conversation too and pay attention more.

And I was just taught one guy and I'll usually find, find someone who has never heard of me or, or, or see my shit before and ended up talking to one dude in the crowd and like relaying the story effectively to him and everyone else like through, through him. He came up after me. He's like,

how the, how did you know? I was like, no, what? It's like last year I went through the same shit, bro. I was like, that's crazy. It's like last year I went through the same shit, bro. I was like, that's crazy. The balls aligned on that one.

You know, like God was like, these two nuts need to be together. And I was like, that made me feel so good. Because even if I didn't make him laugh, I had helped him process some shit. Because when you have testicular cancer, like you think about it every now and then yeah it'd be amazing if you could start sensing it you know deep you can see a man you're like one ball how'd you know it's it's brother it's yeah no it's always the most brolic dude yeah because like part part of the thing once they lose a ball they're like i'm gonna get yeah get fucking jacked fucking rip bro i'm still a man you know it's like that that's why you're at the gym the other day i'm reaffirming my manhood it's like yeah i'm fucking benching bro fuck a hernia but like it was it was that that is

definitely something that happens yeah uh to a lot of dudes so that's i think that's the sense i'm gonna pick up on like me you don't look like an athlete. You got one ball. Yeah. Like offensive ball. Well, as we wrap this up, I like, we do a, you better count your blessings,

something you're thankful for other than the doctors. I know you're very thankful for your cousin. Did you ever see the ball? Did you get to look at it? No, I wish man. They, I tried to,

I wanted to keep it, you know, turn it into, they must have to put it in like a special bag or something something there's no way they're like chucking it no it's not a yo-yo or anything no they uh uh i don't i don't know if i want to see it i would i would want to see it i would want i wanted to see it but they like they send it off to pathology almost immediately to confirm that it was cancer. So it's sliced up. Would they tell you if it wasn't?

Yeah. Hey, our bad. It was weed. It was weed. Oh, my God. We should have listened to you, dude. Looks like something. You should have stuck in medical school.

You are a genius. Something was just stuck on your ball, man. But it was, they know, like, no, you got cancer. I was like, okay, cool. What am I grateful for? It can be super, super. I'll tell you what. It's, it's, I, I, a lot of hotels, I sometimes feel like, sometimes I feel like a lot of

the roles that like a concierge played, like went away. So like if you ask them like, what's a good restaurant there, that's, they have no idea. And so I really appreciate when someone's like really personal or feels like they're in the know. And I had an early flight. I was booking a 4.30 AM taxi and I called this company. And after I hung up, she was like, don't go with that company. They don't show up. I've seen a lot of people freak out because they don't show up. And I was like, thank you so much at the hotel. It was a different hotel, but it was just like anyone at the front desk who is going that extra step beyond.

I feel like there was a time when hotels did like, you know where to go. And now it's like you do it on your phone. So there's nothing there's you don't get the feeling of like, welcome to the hotel. So when someone makes you feel that it's a nice, it's a nice feeling. That's a, that's a good thing to be grateful for. I'm, I'm yesterday good thing to be grateful for. Yesterday, I was very grateful. I'm grateful all the time.

It's very hard to be. It's a very hard emotion to constantly have in your head. Of course. Of gratitude. But yes, I'm grateful for it now. In the moment, I was just like, thank you. But yesterday, I to the the market at the hotel yeah and i got a croissant and it was seven bucks and uh i wanted a croissant and i just got it yeah and i was like seven dollars for croissant and the guy behind the counter was like yes it's like the airport

here man i'm sorry and i was like just like that guy acknowledging yeah that we live in a fucking crazy world where croissant like that's like this big is seven dollars like that felt like a human moment yeah it is nice so yeah man what the fuck charge me less but i know he's not his croissant. Of course. That's when I was in Vegas. When I did the cellar in Vegas, it was a feeling where everything was that. Every hotel, Starbucks coffee, $9. And it just felt like, fuck you. And it's not their fault.

So it's nice to get a little like, you're right, man. You're right. This is fucking dumb. Yeah. This is a dollar. Their croissant is $2. I wish I was seeing any of the margin that they're making. You know? Yeah, man. Sorry. I croissant is $2. I wish I was seeing any of the margin that they're making, you know?

It's like, yeah, man, sorry. I'm like, I know. I appreciate you acknowledging the fucking bananas ass world we live in. Was it good? No. All right. Great market in Austin. God damn it. $7 for that croissant?

Like, for what? It's not flaky. It's not buttery. God damn. That was like a $2 croissant like for what it's not flaky it's not buttery god damn it should this that was like a two dollar croissant for sure like it was not it was not seven bucks i could i paid seven dollars for croissant before i'm like man this is a fire ass croissant this is fucking perfect no it feels really powerful when they tell you before it's like how much is the coffee and they'll be like nine dollars i'll be like that's okay yeah i'm going to go. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Nine bucks. Yeah.

I'm too much of a pussy ass consumer. Yeah. Like inflations is like, yeah. All right. What am I not going to have coffee? So, uh,

as I said, this episode is coming out on May 9th. Other than Fox news, where can people find you? Uh, the special will be on YouTube as of now. It's called Lucky Lefty or I Lost My Right Nut and All I Got Was a Stupid Special. That's the full title.

You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, all that shit, Finding Nemesh. Hell yeah. I'm going to be at Cleveland, Ohio. Hilarity is May 26th May 27th and then Helium, Indianapolis, June 2nd June 3rd, fantastic rooms yeah, I'm excited and then the big ones guys, I'll be in Los Angeles

headlining the Hollywood Improv September 25th and in London, London if you're listening, November 3rd November 2nd sold out so come to that, join the Patreon patreon.com slash downside. And yeah, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me.

Say something sad, something shitty. And let's get out of here. Robots are taking over, everybody. Robots are taking over. And this has been ChatGPT signing off. This is The Downside. One, are taking over. And this has been ChatGPT signing off. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside.

You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi.