The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #14 Overoptimistic Doctors with Joanna Hausmann

Episode Date: May 18, 2021

Joanna Hausmann (Bill Nye Saves The World, Hyphenated) shares the downsides of skin cancer, overoptimistic doctors, replying to work e-mails after anesthesia, and a school teacher of hers who stabbed himself in the heart after confessing he tranquilized kids with double stuff Oreos. This episode also sets the record for most times I had to bleep out names. Join The Downside Patreon for ad-free episodes and bonus episodes on the 1st and 15th of every month. Once we hit 25 we're gonna start adding video, too!!! Follow JOANNA HAUSMANN on instagram, youtube, twitter, facebook, & tiktok Listen to JOANNA HAUSMANN's podcast Hyphenated Visit JOANNA HAUSMANN's website Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's monthly mailchimp e-blast Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, welcome to The Downside. Russell, how are you doing? I'm good. I feel like I was on the longest subway. What are you talking about? We've done this so many times. Gianmarco, wait, just let me do it one more time. I'm so sorry. Listen, I'm not even doing a bit. I'm not even doing a bit. Listen, let me just do it one more time, okay? Russell, welcome to The Downside. Russell, how are you doing? I'm good, Gianmarco. How are you?

I am so disappointed in you. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerisi. Hi, welcome to The Downside. I'm going to make a note in my phone for The Downside

because I have a downside note thing where i keep no you do good i'm glad yeah like things i will want you to cut out um or like or like you've yet to ask me to cut out anything no there was one joke i told that you were not a fan of that we had to cut out that i'll reveal maybe a year from now when you're okay with it um but listen no i'm very excited tell me how the train was tough today, too. Okay. They're really... There's not a lot going on,

and I take one subway ride a week, and it is here, and it was nice last week, and it sucked today, okay? Every time you're like, it's so weird. The weekend, the trains are bad on the weekends.

No, they were great last week. I'm saying it took me 104 minutes to get here today. that's a long time you because sometimes it takes 50 you know yeah so you just leave come here early we'll chat i'll make you imagine if i showed up at like 10 30 you wouldn't be ready for me if i showed up an hour early like if everything went right i would have been over an hour early do you like that would not be fun for you okay what would we talk about we're saving everything to talk i know it's very hard every time we talk that's the problem with our friendship now every time we have a good conversation i'm like no no no let's not let's not explore this

right now okay we're just all of life it's just like everything i do it's becoming a reality tv show like that's what so much of this every time i have a good interaction i'm like with no money involved um just closer and closer to being your own truman show director i uh well things things things are are things are reopening i'm doing a lot i have seven shows today wow two zoom shows so i'm gonna say it's six we're gonna make those half each i did a show last night at lol and i know my crowd work is very rusty because i was talking to, there was two people at a table in the front. I said, oh, are you two dating? And she was like, that's my son. And then I repeated the question.

I said, yeah, but are you dating? And you could see the room. And I was the first comic. So, like, you could feel the whole energy change of, like, oh, what is this show? Like, you you know they expected some dick and pussy jokes and instead they got dick and pussy jokes but with a little bit of incest sprinkled on top

and I just kept like joking and then I said this they were like what and I said wait did you do it as like a joke like being like or were you just like not listening and just like a robot you were just like just not listening I could feel the room change You were just like, what are you dating? I could feel the room change and I was like, yeah, you know, it's 2020.

Which number one, it's not 2020. It could be. In the year 2020, it was not acceptable to sleep with your mom. Someday. Someday. Fingers crossed. I think, listen, this is a hot take. Fingers crossed.

I think. Listen, this is a hot take. If it's consensual and everyone's of age and you're not having kids, who am I to say anything? You know what? Oh, my God. What's your take, Russell? I don't know. You know what? It is funny that when you said they're adults, it's consensual, blah, blah, blah.

In my head, I don't want to shame these people if they want to do it. I do feel like I'm frowning on it, though. I don't. You're frowning? I'm not loving it for you, but I'm not going to go and be like, you can't. Does that make sense? You can't. I agree.

If you told me that you were having consensual sex with your mother, I would go, I would go, wow. Oh, no. I would not be friends. Like, you can be selective with your friends you can be like i don't need the friend that is sleeping with their mom does that make sure but i think our friendship could take i think we have a deep enough friendship yeah i don't know it's it's it's interesting to think of um okay look i i was speaking of like

you know we're we're going rough out the gate and i'm going to I think I'm going to censor this just so I can talk about. So I'm looking for guests for this podcast. You know, we're looking for for cool, exciting guests. And there was this I want to be careful how I like phrase it because, you know, it's not my duty to spread the word. I don't know. someone I went to school with. Oh, yes. And he works in, or he worked, past tense,

in a profession that saves lives. Truly heroic. Yeah. And I'm going to censor it, but just so I can talk about it freely, he went by the and he went very viral because he danced. He danced. And when when i knew him yes i danced you know

me i i i dance in my own way and we would sometimes dance together at school functions it would be like you know me him and then one other kid uh uh we would dance and people found it fun yeah sounds fun um and i'm ooh, a huge big following. Yeah. We stayed in touch. It had been a while, though. So I go online. I go to reach out to him.

Last we spoke on Twitter. It's not on Twitter. I'm like, what's going on? So I Google it. And, you know, it's like, you know, the **** wins MTV's Hero of the Year Award. The **** featured on Good Morning America. What an amazing hero. And then a more recent article,

a very recent article, hospital settles half million dollars sexual allegation suit against the. And I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit. And then I just go. And it was just wild because I have known this person for

for a very long time you not not i would not cause friends by any stretch i mean you mentioned him a lot you know you would you would mention the well you know i'm not gonna say his name because then you'll name one of your pets after him um have you have do you know that about uh russell why would she know that i didn't know russell has a pet named uh louis a cat named louis name and it was recent it was it was a couple weeks ago i've had the cat for almost a decade yeah okay so um oh my god so but it was just a strange sound like cosby that'd be very funny it was Cosby I uh but but it was it was uh it was just surreal

because it's it's kind of like a death in a way where it's like oh I'm never and again I'm only talking about

my experience because I'm being vague so I'm not gonna you know but for for me I'm like oh this is someone I'm never gonna see

again um uh so they're gonna be our guests next week and uh we're very excited for the followers I think it's gonna be but Again? No, no, no. So they're going to be our guests next week. And we're very excited for the followers.

I think it's going to be. But do you have anything else you want to say? The train was tough. No, no, no. There's nothing. No, it was long and boring. That's it. Yeah, it was clearly long. You barely made it today.

Yeah. Well, we're very excited. Yes. For our guest. Let me talk about some of the credits. She was on Bill Nye Saves the World. Yeah. But that show was canceled.

It canceled really hard. We didn't save anything. You didn't save anything. I think I saw Bill Nye yesterday in a fucking Volvo commercial. Yeah. Some kind of car where he was like, this car is scientifically proven to be number one. And I was like,

Bill, no, Bill. He's got to pay for his suits, man. His bow tie's got to cost a lot of money. Bill and I saves the world. Flama, I love Flama, which was a fantastic video site, like, you know,

like a funnier die. Yeah. And she was also the video in a show I did at UCB called Branded Content. site, like a funnier die. And she was also the video in a show I did at UCB called Branded Content. Please, Joanna Hausman. Welcome to the town. Thank you so much. You know, I was really excited. This is the first time I

it's not really a performance, but I am in the same room with other comedians in over a year. And it started off with incest. And I was like like this is this is great i made the right decision today we're back we are back it's amazing i'm feeling great um the last story you're you told with a like that moment of like you you know someone you think you know them and then something happens and everything changes yeah yeah i have a crazy story please please

you guys are you freaking this is like hot i'm so nervous i don't have any practice it's been a year why are you nervous it's like so i know this guy named russell danis no i'm just i know oh my god okay this is the tea like a few years ago i get on facebook okay and i see that my friends post that our history teacher from high school passed away and i'm like oh my god that's so sad our history teacher he was um he would take us on a bunch of trips um his uh wife was the principal of the whole school um he i mean the graduation lunch was held in his apartment i mean this is like you know a person that was really, really involved in our childhood

and he had passed away and it was really sad. Then a week later, there's another article that everyone's posting. It's like 27 of your friends have posted this article. And it says, most prolific child molester in history has killed himself in Minnesota. No. Oh, my God. So, you know, that person's no longer in my life, both literally and figuratively. And, yeah, isn't that insane?

Wow. And killed himself. Yeah, he killed himself. So apparently he tried to kill himself in Nicaragua. Yo, this is crazy. So his maid stole his laptop and then she was like looking through the laptop and found a bunch of pictures. And she was like, you know, I stole a laptop.

I know that's wrong. But like also there's a bunch of pictures of children on this laptop. So like I'm going to go to the police. Yeah. So she went to the police and they're like yeah this is child pornography uh it's fine you stole it just go away and then they confronted him about it and he was like yeah man i've been molesting children for like 30 years i put like tranquilizers in double stuffed oreos while we're oh my god while we're and i remember those double

stuff so you can fit like a bigger tranquilizer. There we go. It was, you know. Fuck. Can you believe it? Fucking A. Oh my God. Yeah, man.

And I remember that when we went to Costa Rica, I like had a protest. Like I protested with the girls because the boys would get double stuffed Oreos and the girls would never get any snacks. Oh my God. And I was like, this is unfair. This is sexism. This is inequality of the sexes. And I was so proud of myself because then we like got the double stuffed Oreos.

But then I'm like, oh God, no. Oh no. Oh no. So that reminded me of that story. I had forgotten until then. I think it's a good lesson that, you know, men really do have a tougher, you know, it seems like we're getting The Bromper, we're getting

The double stuffed Oreos with the tranquilizers That's wilder than the That is Oh my Jesus And how did he kill himself? He stabbed himself in the heart in a bathtub Oh my god Why would you do that?

I hear suicides like that I'm like how did you even come up How did you do that yeah why would you do that that's a suicide like that i'm like that how did you even come up how did you go to that like i mean that's like really and like it's just like you know i went to school in venezuela where like we have so many crazy stories of like uh bombs being thrown into our school and tire fires and protests like it was already crazy enough and that chapter of my life had been closed and now it's just like we're gonna throw another fucking crazy story at you and if you google most prolific child molester my history teacher comes up and truthfully kind of look he kind of looks like he would be yeah it's kind of funny we didn't put it put it together but oh my god i'm sorry did i bring the house down no no it's very funny hearing the word prolific i know prolific composer there's a micro scene who's a very funny comic who helps paint these walls beautiful and he has something where they

called like someone the worst child molester he molested 100 kids and he's like well actually it sounds like they're the best he's like the worst child molester would be like their candy would be like raisins and he's a fantastic bit but uh this is like that that is that is crazy i mean you know you get older and people from your past they they're either they either die or they're well they all kids they all do die i mean but that's why I think this, like starting this podcast now, I definitely feel I'm 32 now. And I definitely feel like I just had an acting teacher who got a bad, an old acting teacher who got a diagnosis. They're going to be dead in a year. But it's just like, I'm like, here we, it feels like, you know, oh, the roller coaster has begun. I'm going to start, People just dying all the time.

They dying all the time, dying all the time. I think about when you're, I think about like when we're 50s or 60s, if we make it, you know, there's going to be the day where it's like Steve Carell dies and Will Ferrell dies. And just every day, like all those times you see celebrities die. And a lot of them, I'm like, well, I don't really know who that is. I don't know who this is. But then there'll be the day of like every sitcom I ever watched. They're all dying day after day. And then you're reminded that one day you will die.

Yeah. Death. You know, I love this. I'm feeling so great. We talk about it a lot. Yeah. I saw Bill Nye had an episode about age extension. Yeah.

Is he on your phone? Yes, he's on my phone. He hasn't responded to the last three texts and I'm kind of pissed about oh no would you text him let's see let's see what i uh i let's see what this is this is hot gossip this is hot gossip let's see well let me just say because i see bill nye i mean he was taught like last time i saw him on tv other than this car commercial he was like talking about covid and there's just such a weird thing where like bill nye used to be you know when he when he he was on TV, it means we were about to have the best science class ever.

It means my teacher was probably hungover and we were just going to watch a funny video. And now he's on the news. He's talking about like, you know, this new variant's going to kill all of the world. And it's like, he's a childhood hero. It's like watching a big bird check Barney into hospice care.

Like, it's just like, it's such a, it's so hard to see him be like, you're going to die. It's crazy. We're done with the fun part of science. Now here's the scary. Well, can you imagine? He was like, I'm going to make a fun show about science so that people like science more.

And now we're in an age where, yeah, there's some people who like science and then there's some people who say that's not real. Yeah. So it's like, he thought that we were going towards an age where more people were going to be like, science is cool. And now we're literally in an age where people are like, science is the devil.

So that's like, he's fighting a new war. Yeah. Well now he's like, science used to be boring. Sure. And now science is evil for people. I think that the bottom line is people don't want to learn. They don't want to learn the detail. They don't want want to learn. They don't want to learn the detail. They don't want to learn period.

They don't want to learn. Like science is complicated. Like science, like for example, it's like with getting the vaccine. I tell people to get the vaccine. I have a very vague understanding of the vaccine.

I have a vague understanding of like why we all need to get it because variants have more bodies to evolve and blah, blah, blah. But that's about it. Like my scientific understanding is that high. I just have a general respect for scientists. And I'm like, look, if 95 percent of the scientists think something.

Yeah. I'm just going to go with it. And that's ultimately where we need to get people. But I do understand that just the thing of like don't trust the government i believe people who have a general like be skeptical of of the powers that be and the problem is that's become anti-science i don't know but also their reasoning is never like you'll be like okay you just trust the government sure and then but then you ask a couple follow-ups and it's like crazy talk like it's like it's like they're tracking us I was like well you have an iPhone like there there's like

things where you're like it doesn't it doesn't doesn't line up doesn't connect I had a I had dinner with actually in a week I because I was like I'm like recently like fully vaxxed it's like the two weeks after your second vaccine where you feel like superman yeah so I had two dinners and the two dinners were just it it was a confrontation, uh, against like the first, the first one was a waiter who was like proudly, he just said, I'm anti-vax. Oh, and I was like, how did the waiter bring this up? I, I, I just assume I just go into a room and scream. Oh, by the way, I'm vaccinated. I literally, I just love it. So I was talking to him and we were having the time of our lives.

Like we were having this small, I love small talk. I love small talk with waiters. It's one of my favorite talks. And you know, I'm just like asking. You are the opposite. I love it. I'm just like, so where are you from? Oh my God.

Like, I love your nails. Like whatever. And I was like, oh, I had forgotten to put my mask back up. And I was like, oh, by the way, I'm fully vaxxed. And he goes, and I'm like, how about you? And he's like, oh, I'm a to put my mask back up. And I was like, oh, by the way, I'm fully vaxxed. And he goes, and I'm like, how about you? And he's like, oh, I'm an anti-vaxxer. Proudly.

And I was like, do you mind if I ask you why? And he just says, the government, period. And I was like, is there more? And he was like, they want to control us. and he was like they want to control us and i'm like okay well it seems like it it seems like that's not enough for me to be convinced but then when it's like turned towards me right so like that's what did you say you it's because there's anyone who should be able to do this it's from bill nye saves the world joanna houseman i was like well it seems to me that you are you're going to be way more controlled if you're unable to do things that the rest of of us can do and and then i i went in and i explained about like the research that

the research came from many different places that it's uh and then he's like well the companies make a lot of money and i'm like sure yeah companies make a lot of money all the time i'm in a restaurant you're making money and your boss is making money. Is that bad? Like, what are you fucking talking about? And then he's like, well, explain to me how the vaccine came out so soon. And I was like, well, this vaccine has been in, you know, in research since the avian flu. It's been like almost 10 years.

This is a lot. And I'm like, why do I have to know all this information to fight against you while you're like, if this is a debate where one person can just say the government and then we have the responsibility to be like i guess i gotta look up what rna means like can't do you know what i'm saying it's like these are just completely uneven yeah you have to explain everything there's not even like a quick like three sentences you can say you're like i explained this whole concept and then this full concept and then this full concept it's so easy for them to like it. I've heard I even think

like I heard my mom say once it happened, you know, they made it really fast. And I'm like, gun to your head. How long do vaccines normally take? They have no idea. No idea. It's just it's just what they heard. It happened fast.

Yeah. It just started saying this because it was a fucking emergency. It was all hands on deck. And we could just start saying that they actually made polio in six hours. The vaccine hands on deck. We could just start saying that. They actually made polio in six hours. The vaccine for polio.

You could just lie. Just lie. People don't know shit. Okay, so you're breaking down everything. You have more tools than I think both of us have. I kind of don't. We're just like, we believe in a government. I'm just like, just fucking. I go very quickly.

Just fucking get it. You think so highly of me. Honestly, I read one article and quote two lines from it. That's pretty much all I do. I just read the headline. You've done amazing. Thank you so much. So where did it end with this waiter?

So then I was just like, he was like, you know, my body, my choice. And I was like, God fucking damn you. Oh, yeah. How dare you? And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, it kind of isn't your choice because your decisions affect literally everybody around you. But I didn't say that. And I was like, OK, I guess I'll have the tres leches.

So that's what I have. That's how it ended. Was me ordering dessert and leaving. And I'm not going to go back there. And in no tip, you just wrote, get the vaccine. That's my tip for you, buddy. I gave a 20% tip. I don't know why I did that.

I can't do it. It feels awful. If it's truly the worst in the entire world, I'll do, I think I do 20% because it's easier also mathematically. I would never go below an 18% tip. If something's terrible, if they spilled coffee on me,

if they gave me a vaccine they made at home. I think that's very much our generation, though. It's like, oh, this was the worst fucking service I've ever had. My food was wrong. It's our generation because so many more of our friends or us have had to be servers that we're very very aware of the economic model yeah meanwhile like my parents and their friends are like um the food was three minutes late i guess that's it i know there's a percent tip there i'm like don't do that what are you doing i was not a server for

very long but i was certainly long enough to be like people are blaming me for shit that is not in my control like the chefs at the two places I worked at, you were scared to be like, hey, they were wondering, could you do, they were like, fuck you. Oh my God. And so the fact that you would take it out on your servers is insane. But you should be gone.

We all know, but they tried. They did a restaurant in New York where they took off the tip. They made everything more expensive and people are idiots. And so they looked at the higher number and they were like this store is because they like the concept of having the choice yeah when it's not a choice at the end of the day but the concept of free will like that's so american it's like you know you you get to you you are the master of your destiny but it's tough because some servers i know servers that work more high-end

restaurants and they're like please don't get rid of tips because they're they're killing it in tips. Right. And so like there's some jobs where you do want the tips because you're making more. And I think the problem is to really fix the system. There are some people at the higher end of the serving who are going to end up losing money. Yeah. Which, you know, it's like I when I went to Europe recently, it would offend me to see people just like leave coins. And I was like, how dare you leave coins for wait?

And I would be leaving like 15 to 20% tip. And then they're like, no, dude, they have a straight up salary here. Like this, you don't need to be leaving tips. But then I'm going to, I'm just going to say it. Service. Awful. It was awful. Yeah.

It was awful. I'm sorry, Europe. but like your service sucks. All of Europe. All of Europe. Fuck you. Fuck all of you, Europe. And when I talked to my European friends- I checked it down.

We had two in Portugal. So, you know, this might upset them. But go ahead. I'm sorry, Portugal. All of Europe. Service, not so great. But then you ask like my Europeans, especially like the English and the Scottish, they're like, oh, I love, I love the service.

I love the service in America. And I'm like, yeah, because people are starving and they need you. But what did you tip? And they're like, nothing at all. But I loved it. I loved it. I told them you're fantastic. A high five.

And it was wonderful. Yes. This is, you know, we should do a commercial i always wait too long but let's uh do a quick commercial commercial break and we're back no idea by the way i forgot you know i have i have we have a new producer and she's giving me she's giving me notes and i like i did not take a single one. Welcome to the downside. This is an episode where we talk about all the negatives and this is way too late to be describing the premise. I love someone listening like I hope they tell us what's going on. We get a little very soon.

We just got the thesis statement like in the middle of the essay. We're very we're so happy to have you. Just so you know, we have a Patreon. You should please please check it out. It's patreon.com slash downside and $5 a month. You get ad-free episodes, bonus episodes. It's a lot of fun.

And when we get to 25 people, John Markle's going to shave his head. Fuck off. No, that's not what I said at all. I love that. I think that's great. We're trying to come up with an idea. We don't have one yet. I think that's a great idea. At 25, Russell's going to date his mom. Where would you take your mom on a date? No, my dad is still dating my mom.

So I'm... Your dad's like, son, please. I can't compete with a younger man. Okay, so Joanna Housman, thank thank you so much i'm trying to think was there anything else god i had i had all these notes and i disregard them completely because russell was so fucking late i uh i uh we talked about the uh good all right so thank you joanna thank you thank you also this is what it is. Share it.

Put it on your Insta story. Review it on Apple. You have a podcast. Oh, I do have a podcast. But it's like, it's on Spotify. Spotify sends you checks. Oh, yeah. Is that, wait, is that what makes it legit?

Yeah, no one sends me checks. I'm writing checks to other people right now. Okay. Yeah, I get money, but very little. Very little? Yeah. I think very little for you is, you know, we're different scales here. $8 million.

Oh, that's fucking chump change. So one thing I'm so, you know, I had seen your posts and, you know, you had quite a downside thing. And now, you know, I've heard you talk about it and other things. And, you know, you have to be, you know, you're uplifting. You are a positive voice. That's why I'm so excited. I want you to feel free to really, really don't inspire anyone. Yeah, I don't want to fucking inspire anyone. You know how hard it is to be inspiring and have had cancer on your face?

It was like every time I had to post and like tell people about it, I always had to be like, but you know what? I feel like this will make me a better person. And in my head, I'm like, fuck all of this. But I really wanted to be positive. And like a lot of the people that follow me are used to me being like just positive. And there's like no positive yeah i have like straight up uh not recommend not recommended i it's funny because like so i i go to the doctor in all the way in july and because i have like this weird bug bite on my face it looks

like a bug bite and um but i think it's like uh like half a inch or something maybe i don't know measurements yeah but i it was like a penny like smaller than smaller than a penny okay like a little bug bite there we go um we can keep uh just naming currency you know those little candy tops that you eat the paper off of like slanting like that size like a tick tock tick tock no tick-tock like a tiktok like a tiktok like the concept of tiktok no like a tiktok uh-huh and i go to the doctor and the doctor she's like oh no this is this isn't cancer and i'm like of course not so now let me ask you so so did did you think cancer because you're a hypochondriac you have a family history of i have my grandma passed away from skin cancer, and I am the most anxious person you've ever met.

I always think I'm about to die. Now, talk to me about, like, I guess I always hear skin cancer. Every story I hear about skin cancer is like they found something, they had to remove it. When you die from skin cancer, that means you just, like, didn't get something checked out for so long it went past the skin into. Yeah, like it goes to your muscle your bone your it just it metastasizes everywhere did you know your grandma yes i did yeah yeah and was it was it something she didn't get it checked out soon it was like in a weird part of her back it was a melanoma on a weird part of her back that like was covered by bras and stuff and she just like

didn't notice it and it was just a weird looking little mole brown like dark dark brown yeah but mine looked like a fucking bug bite bro like and i was i was like i was in uh uh upstate in my parents house during the pandemic so i was like i mean it's probably a spider i don't know i'm not outdoorsy i was like this is probably some spider bite and the doctor was like you're fine like go to sleep at night like knowing you're gonna be good and I'm like thank you so much doctor and then I just like felt it it wouldn't go away but then it went away then it went away and it just looked like a little sun spot and then in like February I was like well two One, I don't feel confident about this,

even though the doctor said it was fine. And two, I want Botox. So two birds with one stone. One, stop my aging. And two, make sure I'm not dying. It all comes back to the same thing. You know, aging, death. So I go and I'm like, hey, girl.

Yeah, like, just wanted to ask some questions about Botox. And like, I don't know. Like, and I don't know if you're like this this but i'm always a little bit like embarrassed to question people sure so um i was like oh my god i know you said it was fine but like you know like i don't know like can you do you remember the little the little bug bite it's just it like and she's like i mean i can biopsy it i guess so she biopsies it turns. Turns out it is a carcinoma. Yeah. Carcinoma.

So the first doctor who said sleep well at night. Same doctor. This is the same doctor? Yeah. I didn't. And you went back and you're like, I have not been sleeping well. I have not been sleeping well. It is tough to go to a doctor who said something is fine and be like, no.

Also six months later being like yeah i that's a half and it's very small uh it it yeah it just kind of looked like uh it almost looked like a sunspot like uh and you know i grew up in venezuela and i'm an ashkenazi jew so i got sunspots everywhere like my our people were not supposed to go there we weren't supposed to be on the equator and i was there for a long time. So I have a lot of weird thoughts on my head. A lot of people think the Jews shouldn't have gone to lots of places. Yes.

Yeah, they should have stayed. It's been kind of a historic part of our history. It's a beautiful part of our history, yeah. So then she tells me that it's a cancer, and I start crying. And she's like, why are you crying? And I'm like, I don't know't know bitch why do you think i'm crying why am i crying and she's like this is like good cancer and i was like oh my god this is toxic positivity this we were talking about sleep well at night this is the good cancer why are you

crying nothing is bad here literally and she made me feel like crazy and i was like oh and then in my head i'm like oh my god am i i'm so embarrassed and then crazy. And I was like, oh. And then in my head, I'm like, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. And then when I walk home, I was like, no, wait, what? So I go in for the surgery, right? And she's like, she starts taking out pieces of my face. And- Are you awake? I'm awake.

I like hear and like smell everything. It's awful. Yeah, it smells like burning. Oh my God. Oh my God. They're burning. Yeah, they cut and burn smell everything. It's awful. Yeah, it smells like burning. Oh my God. Oh my God. They burn your skin off. Yeah, they cut and burn or something. And I'm just trying to make jokes like,

ooh, is it barbecue time? And she's like, please stop. She said, is it barbecue time? Yeah, I did say that. And the nurse laughed because she felt bad for me. Sure, sure. But Mohs surgery,

I don't know if you know about Mohs surgery. Mohs surgery is like they take a piece of your skin, they biopsy it, they take another piece, they biopsy it, they take another piece, they biopsy it. They did that five times with me. And I was numb, so I didn't know the size of what the tumor was. It was like five inches by five inches on my face. So it's straight up like my entire cheek was taken out and I like didn't notice.

was taken out and I like didn't notice and then she's like um it's gonna be tough to like um tie tie this up I don't know if I can do this and it was like I didn't know this but it I didn't have a cheek anymore oh my and it was like after that it was a nightmare so when you went into the surgery because because you do things on camera. Yeah. You know, maybe, you know, that's the good thing you invested in a podcast before all this went down. There we go. I thought ahead. But did you talk to her before?

Like, what is this going to look like? Yes. I was like, so how big is it? And she's like, oh, it's probably like, I don't know, maybe an inch. Like, it's really she's like, it's not a big deal. We're like, so you write a doctor. Keep going. This doctor. I mean, are you done with this doctor oh oh i am so done with this because you're like this would have been so much smaller had you not this is like

a doctor they see they see like the jar of jelly beans and they're like how many jelly beans are in there uh 20 yeah you're like no it's actually 5 000000. I don't know. I'm not going to like, you know how you convince yourself like in my head. I'm like, this year has been so shitty. There's no way this will be this bad. Like in my head, I'm like, yeah, this is all correlated. That's how odds work. You know, it's like the odds of something really bad.

It was a really aggressive tumor that had like taken over a big part of my face and thankfully it hadn't gotten to the bone so they didn't have to remove any bone but they removed my cheek straight up so they they didn't find out that it was five you said five it was five inches it was five inches by four and a half and you said the tumor was that i'm just amazed that like you didn't feel like a tumor on your face so it's called uh a morphia form so it's a type of tumor that is like it it it's a little sneaky bitch it's a sneaky i can see you're spiraling you're spot i literally you stopped looking at me and you're like literally i feel like you're ever ever you're going through your body in your head like that yes i really am because you're like anytime you find out something

that exists that you didn't know exists and you start talking about a new tumor that you can't feel and i'm just like oh my god how would i even start i love it and it's just like the rest of my day it's just me being like on my couch, like feeling myself and looking and giving my wife to look at my back where my bra would be if I was a woman. It's this invisible thing. You can't see. You can't feel. You feel good actually and that's the first sign.

You feel powerful. This is why I try to be positive because the moment I try to be, I'm just real. This happens. This poor man. Like, it's just I'm so sorry. I'm going to be present. It's called a what? What is it called again? Morpheiform. Morpheiform. like it's just i'm so sorry i'm gonna be so wait it's called what what is it called again morphia form morphia form so it's just like like my doctor didn't explain to me that morphia form meant like a ninja fucking tumor that just does shit under your skin without you see being able to see it or notice it um so that's what i had and um and

they find that out as they're removing what they think is just this woman knew but didn't inform me what morphia for meant really it's kind of my fault like i i should have researched some of this i just assumed she knew what she was doing you feel taken care of when you're yeah i mean she wasn't very nice but but I don't know. But she had a confidence. It's like, don't worry, girl. She had diplomas on the wall. I don't know, you know. And then- You look closer and it's like middle school diplomas.

It's not a full- It's not a full diploma. It's like a participation award for a full cycle. I used to have SAG insurance. I had these great doctors. And then I, you know, it went away because I stopped working. And my new doctor, first bad sign, his diploma, the frame for it

was like three times too big for the diploma. So it was just kind of, it was just kind of hanging in the corner there. Like he bought it after. He bought it, just got the wrong frame

and decided like, this is fine enough. And so it wasn't even in the center. It was just like, you know, in the bottom left corner. And I was like, this is,

this is, I shouldn't judge you. Maybe he's a genius and eccentric genius, but, but he doesn't pay attention to details. Which is something very important

for a doctor, I feel, you know, detail, or that's the only reason I didn't become a doctor. I'm kidding. I hate blood

and I'm terrible at science. But other than that, I think for a comedian, you're like an Einstein. Oh my God. Really? Of course. You were on Bill Nye Saves the World. You keep saying that, but I got that because someone watched a YouTube video and I was like, comedian you're like an einstein oh my god really of course jesus bill nye saves the world you keep

saying that but i got that because someone watched a youtube video and i was like yeah she works like i you know it wasn't like they did an iq test uh i'm not an einstein clearly as you've uh found out through my cancer story where i just didn't see the warning signs so you go in you think it's going to be a small surgery yeah i was like ready to travel the next day back upstate uh and then and then you're there and you hear like crackling and noise and the doctor's like come in here they bring in a jackhammer and you're like what's going on and then and i keep on going back and it's funny because at the beginning of the day was me and all these other old people getting the same surgery and by the end it's just me and i'm like this feels wrong shouldn't't it be the opposite? Shouldn't I? And all the old people like stop by and be like, whoa, what's going on here?

Everyone had a tiny little bandage. And then I had like a huge bandage on my face. And I was like, I didn't, I just could not understand what it meant. And she like covered it up. And she's like, okay, yeah, I can't help you. I'm going to refer you to my friend who's a plastic surgeon and he'll take care of you and i'm like okay well when cancer's the tumor's not gone uh i'm not sure yet she says the tumor's gone i'm not sure yet like i'm assuming it's gone

um so i go to this i wait 24 hours with this and when i tell you it's open i mean like you can see i have a i have pictures of it. Oh, my God. We'll make it the episode. Yeah. It looks like it looks like a pepperoni. It's like there's no there's no skin or fat. So it's like there was no volume.

It was like my my face was missing on that side. But I didn't see that because it was covered with bandages. Right. So I go. You looked, but you like peaked at home. So no. no so this is what happened I had no idea how it looked like I I just went to bed like you were being that disciplined you you were you weren't curious no no no no I went she was like don't open it because that's like that's like exposed muscle uh so like don't get it infected and I'm like okay well so like do I just wait and she's like yeah you we didn't get you an

appointment until the next like tomorrow until 5 p.m so for 24 hours i had oh i didn't know i didn't know how big it was i just assumed did she say at the end you can sleep well tonight too with this fucking bandage now well uh she did uh tell me to take like take some sleeping pills um oh yeah which i did because i was so anxious and then i go to the fucking plastic surgeon the next day and he's like so i'm like oh are you gonna take the fucking plastic surgeon the next day. And he's like, so I'm like, Oh, are you going to take the bandage?

First? I'm like, Hey, Oh my God. Like, how are you? I'm Joanna. I'm like trying to like,

you know, make small talk. Cause I love small talk. And he's just has this very stern, like sad look on his face. And he's like, you must be traumatized. And I'm like,

Oh, why? And he's like, because of, because of the tumor. And I'm like, Oh yes, yes,

yes, yes. Anyway. Um, when, so what's the deal with the surgery? So like, are you going to get like a little, and he's like because of because of the tumor and i'm like oh yes yes yes yes anyway um when so what's the deal with the surgery so like are you gonna get like a little and he was like this surgery is really really intense i just want to warn you we're gonna cut open your uh chest up to your neck and we're gonna take an enormous flap of skin from your the your chest neck and like ear area up to your face and it's going to take six weeks for you to be able to like remove the face bandages we're going to put around you and um you're going to look like frankenstein wait what he was just like he said frankenstein no i'm exaggerating to make a point oh my god and he's like and you're gonna have a tube and all the blood's gonna come out of the tube and i'm like wait what the fuck and and i'm

like are you gonna see like are you gonna check to see like what you're and he's like i don't need to see it again i just saw a picture i don't need to see it and i'm like and thank thankfully my mom is there and she's like we're gonna have to get a second opinion and she looks at me like get the fuck out of here like let's get the fuck out of here we leave and my mom is like okay i'm gonna ask this guy for the picture because she receives a picture of my face and you know moms like they want to be strong for you and they're like you know so she tries not to react but her face was you it was like it was like a it was like an Aesop's fable told through a face. It was like a beginning, a middle, a climax, and her face told a story.

So at first she's like, why did they send me a picture of pepperoni pizza? Oh my God. Oh my God. Only a face a mother could love. That is the phrase. It really was. It really was. And you just, you didn't ask to see it at first. Oh my God. Only a face a mother could love. That is the phrase. It really was. It really was.

And you just, you didn't ask to see it at first. Then, because we didn't know how to resolve this problem. I had an open face, no surgery or doctor. You just have this bandage and it's like, it's going to change soon. I'm not sure if the cancer's even gone. I don't know what's happening. And then, you know, I was really lucky. You went back to that same plastic surgeon absolutely not you just didn't like the way that they handled you're like he's friends

with her i was just like none of this feels good to me no one ever said the word cancer to me or explained what i had like i need to go to an actual cancer hospital like what the fuck so you know we're so lucky that my dad went to cornell and his roommate is some oncologist at sloan that he hasn't talked to in like 50 years but this poor man like my dad just calls up this poor guy and is like yo dude like what's up remember alpha beta chi they weren't in a fraternity but um and my and my dad was like i need your help man like my daughter doesn't have a face and that's not gonna work for me so can you help me and then i went to i went to the cancer uh hospital the next day and it was like completely different it was like uh people knew how to explain things to me and we made sure

everything was out and i you know did they say that your first doctor did okay with what she did like so doctors are interesting because there's a lot of legal shit around everything, right? So they don't want to, they don't want to tell you what the fuck was this, but they also don't want to tell you this is okay. So my doctor was sort of like, so, um, who performed this? Oh, um, do you want another dermatologist? Like, and that told me everything. Yes.

You know, I told them the whole story and now I have a new dermatologist like and that told me everything yes you know i told them the whole story and now i have a new dermatologist who um like is really serious uh it's very funny because i love talking to doctor i love talking to everyone i love small talk as i've said four times um but like i love getting to know my doctors and my new dermatologist asked me where i grew up and i was like he wants to get to know me this is a relationship for life and i'm like i grew up in caracas um and he's like very high sun exposure that explains a lot and i was like oh so he didn't want to get to know me but then so i i've had like two i've had one like small surgery one large surgery and i have one more surgery scheduled in october um but it's been a it's

been shitty man what's the last what's this last surgery so so right now and and you know when you came when you came in i didn't know i didn't know if you'd have the bandage still like some kind of bandage yeah and then i didn't i didn't notice anything then you know then i saw it but i was for a moment i thought like maybe there'd be a a massive yeah thing and i well, you know, I guess we won't do the video portion for this podcast. Yeah, no, you were like, just so you know, there is a video portion. And everyone's asking me like, so, you know, like we're going to be recording. And I'm like, you know, it's actually looking pretty fine now. It looks totally fine.

It's remarkable for the description. I mean. It's insane. Because skin is so weird, dude. Like I had a ridiculous accident when I i was 21 i broke both my elbows i had an eight hour surgery on my right elbow and it took like a year and a half for me to be able to move like normally uh like grab something from the cabinet and skin it just those motherfuckers are so efficient they're just like yeah let's like move like they're they're pushovers like

you push them you push skin somewhere and the skin will just, I don't know. I don't know how it works. I know you think of my inside. I don't know how skin works. But it's been like the change has been really like enormous in a very short period of time. So what's the surgery that's left? The tumor is gone. The tumor is fully gone.

Thank God. I mean, I always have to be really vigilant because it could come back up and it could get to my you know jawbone and my ear and my no what the fuck you know i just have to be basically i have a reason for my neurosis now like yeah my me thinking i'm gonna die all the time is like justified so that's like a good thing that's come out it's really hard i think it's really you know i have certain i don't know if i'd call myself a hypochondriac because i don't see a doctor that often but it's hard to tell if you're being like crazy yeah or like when you said you went back with the sunspot or whatever and the doctor already said it was fine i could easily see me being like it's fine don't worry about it like

how much of it is me freaking out and how much of it is me being like actually let's just be safe and it's like i still don't know the answer to that and there's nothing worse i i was in a i was in an i shouldn't say that company because i got a settlement but i was in a in a ride sharing accident and i i my dad who's a super hypochondriac was like you may have had a concussion let's go to the hospital and there's nothing that feels lamer than going to like a fucking an emergency where people are coming in and they're you know their baby their arm fell off and shit real shit's going on and the doctor sees you and goes like uh yeah you're fine you're fine yeah i'm gonna go try to attach this baby's

arm back yeah have a good night you can sleep well you dumb motherfucker do you know what it's like to go into a fucking cancer clinic and like people are you know in the worst moment of their life and i am in my worst moment but comparative to them it's like literally nothing and i'm here bitching and but at the same time it's like well okay but you know it's crazy because in this clinic where these doctors see people that have significantly worse situations treated me like it was a valuable feeling I had. That is justified versus these other guys that are like, they're just doing Botox all day. This woman was doing Botox all day and like lip fillers and then actually had a kid and then made me feel dumb for feeling like sad that i had cancer so this next operation this is the botox that you're gonna get i'm no longer you know priorities i was like i'd rather age than die

sure yeah yeah so uh no more botox now i'm, you know, I have a piece of my thigh skin on my face right now. That's what you see is my thigh skin. I wanted my ass skin so bad just for the joke. Yes. A lot of material. But fun fact, the skin on your ass doesn't really feel or look like the skin on your face. Fun fact. I didn't know that.

So now I have my thigh skin on my face. And basically the next operation is just to pull my face skin and get rid have my thigh skin on my face and basically the next operation is just to pull my face skin and get rid of my thigh skin that's on my face interesting really yeah because as you age the this skin would age differently and we don't know what it would look like so like we the doctor's like for you a young spry woman, it makes sense for the thing that's on your face to be like native to your face. Because we don't know. Why did they stretch the face skin to begin with? Why can they do it?

So this hole is like 30, 25% of what it used to be. So like this, like, so they already pulled my skin back. Uh-huh. A fuck ton. I basically got a little bit of a facelift okay but on one side of my face on one side of your face yeah so so they pulled it kind of as much as they could then but then for the second they're going to take whatever's remaining of the thigh skin and pull it a little bit more until it's all the way uh-huh it's it's i have one face that'll look 23 and one face that'll look 32. And I'm going to have a good side, you know.

And and you're awake for this one, too. No, I wasn't awake for the last one. And I loved it. They put you under it fully. Oh, my God. It was so was it. Was it your first time going under? No, I had an eight hour surgery for my arm before.

Right. And they put you under. I because I had to go under. I got a hernia from a deadlift cross. I used to do cross like four years ago. And from like every piece of Because I had to go under. I got a hernia from a deadlift crossfit. I used to do crossfit like four years ago. Every piece of information I learn from you, it just is such a bizarre. It feels like an episode of a sitcom. You got a hernia because of a deadlift.

And then you got into an accident in a ride sharing app and got a settlement. Uh-huh. There's just a lot of little. I have an eclectic. It's kind of an eclectic existence. I love it. Like different commuter. Like, you know, i shouldn't be in

a crossfit no world i will never imagine you no offense but like no like i just imagine like you dance i know well that's the thing it'd be like crossfit one day hip-hop the next day uh but that was my first time i'd had laughing gas before that was great i would do that in a heartbeat going under was very scary for me i mean it was it was just like, because you say, I had a friend, my friend Rob was there, and he doesn't get to bring you to the room. Basically, you're awake. You're not drugged out. You say goodbye to your loved one, and then they roll you in what truly is the scariest, like, you're rolling, like in the movies. and then you go in a room and there's a big light flashing on top of you

and they the table was like mechanics start moving over me and I started sobbing like you know like going meeting my maker kind of like I'm gonna die and thank God there was a nurse there who she started rubbing my chest

I mean I was you know like a baby in the wild just sobbing. And thank God she was there to do that. And then eventually the anesthesia just like that. And you're dead. I said like, I did like a classic, like, are you going to tell me when it. And now I wish they had just, I would ask them to give me a drug before. Or just like, I just don't want to, I don't want to have the experience of being wheeled in that room alone. Seeing five doctors scramble over my body.

It is. I don't want to die. I think that they should. I agree because I had to walk into the operation room and I just felt something you don't walk into. I'm like, Kim, shouldn't I be in a bed? Like, why am I walking? My ass is out like and people are like oh hi you know it it's almost like um i went into a conference room and people are still uh they're still like finishing up conversation on the last meeting so they're

like oh yeah oh sorry hi hi sorry oh yeah no no you can come in you can come in and i'm like we gotta clean off the table still you get a person scraping scraping the crumbs but the way that i deal with really high level stress and anxiety is like, I just make jokes. And I just started joking and they were joking with me. So it like literally calmed me down. And I wish I remembered what I said because I was the best material I've ever come up with. You're just killing with them. It was so funny.

I mean, I think they were just like, let's leave her calm. Like, we don't want to not laugh and have her cry. But I woke up and it was like COVID time and I couldn't have anyone in the room. And I made a bunch of, I sent a bunch of videos to people that I didn't remember until weeks later, including someone I work with. And I responded to an email in video form. And then he was like, you can't do that. You sent it to everyone in the team. Oh, my God.

Yeah. What was the video? Okay, so I don't know how to explain this without telling you the story. Right. The PR team and the marketing team and my producer and me were in a group chat. And they produce other... Shit. They produce other things. Yep.

Other things. And one of the hosts of these other things was... There was like an open voting for like you know most beautiful man of whatever uh people magazines most beautiful men and and voting was open so so the marketing team was like hey everyone go and vote for this guy to win most beautiful people magazines most beautiful man and um i responded in video like i'm very confused by this because this man's not beautiful and i'm like and i just woke up from surgery and this is a very complex thing to be confronted with right now um because he's not beautiful or nice so i'm not gonna be voting i haven't

oh my god that's so funny i'm like like drugged out of my mind. And my producer like text me separately. And he's like, Hey, do you know that you like, how was the surgery? First of all. And I was like, yeah,

man. And he was like, you sent it to the team. Um, like everyone thinks it's funny, but also like, don't do that. Um,

Oh my God. And it was, yeah. Can we, can we add the audio of that? If you send it to me, I'll add it to the episode Oh my god I will 100% send it to you That's fantastic I'm sorry I'm not allowed to have visitors

So I'm just on my phone That's so confusing Cause like He's like not beautiful At all And also He's like not beautiful at all. And also he's like not that nice. Like what?

How low is the bar? I'm going to regret sending this, but YOLO, I'm not allowed to have guests in here. So I'm hanging out with my um you're also like in theory hopefully i'm not coming out of a surgery again and responding to every every message i get like every message it is an isolated incident yeah i would tell people don't give me my phone in that state i always get nervous about when i was nervous like my sister was going to pick me up and i was like listen do not no No funny games here. No funny games.

I get that. My whole relationship, I've never taken anything seriously, and I don't respect anything, but not this. I was just scared. Well, you were scared. It was your first time, so it was like, you know. But those videos make me laugh so hard. They're incredible because it's almost— Some 15-year-old, there's one where she he the 50 year

old i mean that's not appropriate but the 15 year old kid was like show me your titty and you know and their parent is like josh josh have you seen the one where he's like yo i got lit in dubai and it's like this nine-year-old red-headed child and he's like yo my wife's so hot she's a stripper let's get fucked up in dubai and the mom is like oh my god jason stop like they're incredible well i for me as an extrovert i just felt the need to connect with people and i couldn't because like no one could be in the room with me so i just thought that this was the best way yeah now during all this because you talk about having a sense of humor with things what was there what was there one point that was like the biggest cry was there like the the biggest

like holy shit yeah uh so it was before my surgery and shit and i was like purposely not wanting to look at the hole in my face because i was like i'd rather not know and like see it later and my fucking mom i don't know why she thought this was a good idea she's like you know it's crazy what's happening to you and then she she takes the picture and she goes like how crazy is this picture and shows me the hole and i'm like what the fuck this entire time it's on my face i've been avoiding it This entire time it's on my face. I've been avoiding it.

And she's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, you're sorry? And I just bawled, like crying. But then I also, now it's the funniest thing. Because it's like so many wrong decisions, like one right after another. Why did she save it? Why was she looking at it? It was, I think that was the biggest cry. Because then I was just like, am I ever going to look the same?

Has my face gone forever? And then in that moment, you briefly have a target where your mom is fucked up now. And you'd be like, why would you do that? Because when something bad happens, sometimes you're like, I have no one to blame. What do I do? But then in one moment, you're like, mom, you made blame what do i do oh my god but then in one moment you're like mom you made it worse now i can express this to someone can i just say what you just said is brilliant and this is like therapy to me and now i'm going to bring it to my therapist because you were right because it felt like i let go and was so angry at her because like who else

am i going to be angry at the fucking son that got me the kid i'm not going to yell at the son like so there i was like yeah you don't fucked up and i could yell at you now and i did and i cried and it was wonderful and it felt really good and then i was like i'm sorry mom and she was like i'm sorry too and i'm like god damn it i don't have anyone to be angry at well i could be angry at the doctor yeah but you didn't have a chance to yell at that doctor either or really could like you you dealt with it and did that doctor check in on you hey never uh i called her to get the slides of my cancer right because uh like the doctor was like we need to make sure the tumor is completely out like it this is a big ass tumor we got to make sure this is out so i was like hey doctor can I get the slides of my cancer? And she was like, no, those are mine.

And I'm like, those are mine. I would, I would. Are you fucking kidding? And I'm trying to breathe my way through this. And I was like, hey, doctor, what do you mean by that, doctor? And she's like, don't you know how this works? And I'm like, no, I said, of course I don't know. I'm a fucking comedian.

What do you mean? I assume that if I have a tumor on my fucking face, I own it, motherfucker. And she's like, you were on Bill Nye Saves the World. You should know this. She's like, for my, what is it called for doctors to like legally practice? Oh.

I was going to say indoctrination, but it's definitely not. Accreditation. Uh-huh, accreditation. She's like, for my accreditationitation like i need those slides and she was yelling at me and i like i was like i like lost my shit for a second and i looked at my husband and my husband was like i got this and he took it and he was just like really calm and subtle because he never yells he's he hangs up the phone and he was just like that woman is a

fucking bitch. Like, but I couldn't, and I dream of this moment. I have this dream of me waiting outside of her office. Yeah. After all this is done. Because she told me that it was a huge mistake for me to go to Sloan and that they were going to ruin my face and that like, she was like honestly awful.

She's awful. There's nothing redeeming about her except her hair is incredible. I have this dream of just like standing outside of her office just waiting for her to come out and then being like kind of like julia roberts and pretty woman and then being like hi do you remember me and then she's gonna be like now and then i'm gonna be like i'm gonna fucking sue you bitch and then i go like this doesn't my face look good now and then i walk away and i just i just dream of that moment

i also dream of like smacking her in the face but i i'm not a confrontational person so i probably wouldn't do that but i do i think you should do i think you should do something doesn't my face look good don't don't don't lead with an open question if you're gonna really slam it because if you go like doesn't my face look good now because she could just go like no and then you're then you're stuck yeah Workshop this for me. What would be the ultimate I like the threat of a lawsuit because then you don't have to do follow through but I like in the back of her mind

like being like if every once in a while you pop up and say like and I found others too like the next time you pop up and you're like found others too class action bitch and then like you just like keep like like stringing it out so too. Class action, bitch. And then like, you just like keep like stringing it out so she's always

in the back of her mind like, is there gonna be a lawsuit? And I found others. That's brilliant. That's for the second time. See, unlike Gianmarco, I'm really good at taking notes.

I would say something like, they need a little asking for my face. We should get it from your face because you're a butt face wow let's keep workshopping let's keep workshopping um you're so close but yet not there i think you totally though like you should yeah you are you gonna are you gonna sue and you probably can't

say uh you're allowed to you can't say that i don't know know. I hope you do, Sue. That is. It's so upsetting because anytime there's like a doctor story like this, it's like there's so many opportunities where they could have turned things around. So many. And been like a better person and not made you scared and blah, blah, blah. And the doubling down of being shitty is so wild when you're in a position like that. Yeah. And you just hear it and you're in a position like that yeah and and you just hear it and you're like this i don't understand i understand people fuck up i understand people don't always have the best bedside manner blah blah blah but like when you've had that many opportunities and then and then you're asking for your like uh the x-ray or whatever it was of your

face and they're doubling down then i'm sure it's something legal i mean it must be something like oh they're going to show that suit and they're going to use this yeah that's what she thought but like you're like i need it medically right now to fix your i have a hole in my face because of you and i need it please help me you know it's crazy because i was talking to a lawyer and i was like he was like, did he did he follow up? Just a lawyer friend just to see if I have grounds for anything. And he was like, you know, it's crazy. And I was like, tell me. And he goes, most of the people that sue. Sue because they feel the doctor was just mean or rude or like didn't follow up or didn't care but sometimes doctors

fuck up big time but they apologize and they're present and they call and those people don't sue yes there's like yes if you want to want to be a doctor that gets sued fuck up but then be a dick but if you you can fuck up bigger and be kind and it's there's a lesser probability of you getting two and it's crazy it's like you just want accountability you want some them to be like recognize that yeah this was a thing and yeah and and treat you like they should i had no idea that malpractice insurance existed like doctors are like just in case someone says that i did my job wrong i'm gonna pay insurance every month i don't know i think it's crazy yeah that this whole industry exists they don't again this is back to the they don't teach this in school they don't you're like dealing with doctors that could be a whole

class the doctors clap they need more i know doctors go for a long time but they need some classes in communication and talking to people you know know who's really good dealing with their patients? The d***. Oh my God, it all comes back to the d***. I just like saying his name as many times because you have to go through this episode and find every single time to blurp him out. Let's go to, this has got to stop.

We might have to just do hers for this. That's great. But we're recording a Patreon episode after this. Check out the Patreon. Patreon.com. I think we got the right buttons. Someone told me I mess up the buttons sometimes. And someone's like, it's not funny.

It's not cute. It's not anything. And it was my girlfriend, Tova. Cute. Nope. God damn it. I went in there with such confidence. I reached and I sat back.

I was like, this is right. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Now, it seems like you read the email and you came with something. You're right? You have a this has got to stop. I don't. Okay.

I was incorrect. I just poured my heart out about my face cancer. I had to prepare more. What did I have to prepare? I remember this email now. This has got stop it's like uh something something in the world it could be very it could be very personal i mean we frankly went through you know 10 things now like this has got to stop doctors not giving you x-rays immediately yes but but something yeah i did come prepared i did definitely did my homework so you know now that things are opening up and

people are going to restaurants i'm of the opinion that live music in restaurants that you did not pick like you need to stop like i sometimes i'll sit in a restaurant and it's perfect and then suddenly a band starts setting up and i'm like i did not agree to this and i i'm like i'm only halfway through my appetizer and i have to fucking sit through this shit it's gotta stop yeah or like either have a sign or let me leave i i agree i think the the music thing sometimes too in i remember a couple years ago my wife and i were at this place that was a mexican sushi fusion place oh no which sounds crazy um and it's not great um but we were there and it was like not a time of night where there needs to be a dj yeah you know it was it was like 6 30 to 7 p.m and a

dj started setting up and i was like wait why is there a dj in this mexican sushi fusion place at 6 30 p.m and then it was like 15 minutes later, we were at dinner and we were like screaming at each other. And it's like one of those things where you're like, there's no one, who needs this right now? Four hours from now, this DJ can set up. But at 6.30 p.m. at a Mexican sushi fusion, it just wasn't, it's that thing where you're like,

we needed a sign when we came in the door being like, by the way, a DJ is going to start at 6.30 p.m. Something. This is the owner's cousin and he's working this out. There needs to be a thing. Live music is going to start

because you're like, yeah, there's just so many restaurants in New York City. We don't, we wouldn't commit to going somewhere if you knew that. If you knew that. And also like. If you're not in the vibe for it. We're all performers, right?

And there's nothing that gives me more anxiety than seeing someone perform and no one look at them or like. or like clap or or be supportive so like i end up being like the only person clapping and like feeling awful you feel the obligation yes like it's just like please i don't want it but like i want to protect like and i do like not along and like make eye contact like great job there or you know what i mean it's just it's the worst situation to be in and i don't want to be in it again i agree no more music i think comedy shows are okay a surprise comedy ambush comedy shows we call them i uh you know because those

are really talk about i mean you think it's bad when you don't acknowledge the music yeah when you do comedy shows and you really feel like you're booked on a show and you are just, you know, you go up there and you're like aggressively doing crowd work and being like, oh, is that your son? Are you fucking him? Like, yeah, you're just really trying to like start a conversation.

It can get angry fast. Well, you're just like, you're yelling for attention when people don't want to give it to you. And it's just, it's exhausting. I've only done that a few times. And I was like, I don't think I can do it. I can't pay for enough therapy to be able to do this.

You wait. With UCB closed, there's going to be, starts going to be character work. Oh, God. Sketch comedy characters at dinner. Oh, my God. Oh, my. That's worse than the sushi fusion show. That was the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

That is awful. Oh, God. Full heralds. Full heralds. Full heralds as you're like dipping your guac. For the appetizers, that's the first round, second, and then call back for dessert. I do fear for our future.

I do think there's a lot of comedians without a home right now. Right. And we're going to see improv everywhere is going to be like the new model. Literally everywhere. Have you ever done one of those improv everywhere? I have not. I've heard of it and I've seen the subway. I heard the This American Life about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like fun and then it's like no. Well. Especially in New York. New York. I just think New Yorkers are like absolutely not. Also, I feel like a lot of New Yorkers are like I'm busy trying to New York. New York. I just think New Yorkers are like, absolutely not. Also, I feel like a lot of New Yorkers are like,

I'm busy trying to get to my fourth job. Can you stop trying to make joy happen? Forcing joy on people. All right. Now I definitely know this. This is what I, I am very excited for this. This is.

You better count. You better count your blessing. Your blessing. So this is where we say something thankful. I'll go first so you can accept. Because I really wanted to talk about this. My girlfriend, Tova, she has night terrors. Really?

Yeah. She was mugged, like, I think two years ago now or something like that. And then had night terrors ever since. They can be really intense. She has an app that basically starts recording audio whenever noise starts. And so in the morning we like review what the night terrors are. And by the way, someone asked me, she, she's, she's totally down for me sharing these. Like I don't, she, you know, she, I, they, she likes it in her own fucked up twisted

way. That's why we're together. That's so great. But like to give an example, this is one, I don't think I've played on this one. So she wore, she was at my place. She wore an eye mask, uh, just because I was staying up and reading or something. And she doesn't normally wear an eye mask. So this is like an example of what a bad night is.

What? Where are my eyes? Where are my eyes? Where are my glasses? Hey, hey, hey. Hi. So I – so this is 4 in the morning. Where are my glasses? So, so, I... So, this is four in the morning.

You went over to her, just the voice, just the changes. And she doesn't make that... What? Where are my glasses? My eyes. Where are my glasses? She got possessed. She got possessed. She got possessed. So she's – so I mean – and I wake up and she goes back to sleep after them because she's in a sleep state.

I wake up and I'm like, what happened? I need to call a priest. And that was like a bad night. So she's been figuring out things. I think it's something she didn't fully deal with before. And I was like, sweetheart, it would mean a lot to me if we start, you know, dealing with this. And part of it, we think, I thought, was like phone. There's a lot of phone usage.

She works in – she's a comedy manager. So phones, you know, a lot of anxiety. This is an important thing. So she's been really good about putting the phone away like an hour before sleep. And this was the – we had a night the other night. This is my blessing. We had a night where this was the only one. Normally, there's 20 of those, 15, 10, 20.

And this was – one night, this was it. Are you okay? Yeah. What's wrong? I thought I – You're falling off the side of the bed, babe. Okay. You're okay. You're all right, babe. And that was it.

And that was it. And we woke up. And that was the only one. And like, it is, it is, it is much different than it was, you know, compared to not have a. But, okay. So, so one of the things I, I things I, so it's very good. I'm very thankful. Thanks, team, to be getting better. But I got an Alexa, and I really only use it to set my alarm.

But she decided, oh, I'll get an Alexa, too. That way she can, like, set alarms and put her phone away. So, like, the new, like, thing, put the phones away. But this is from last night. She was just alone. I wasn't phones away but this is from from last night uh she was just alone i wasn't there so this is no no no no one should give you anything in here i said that last night to you guys you confirmed last night alexa you confirmed last night that- Sorry, I don't know that one.

Alexa, why? Sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. Alexa, why didn't you do the curtains like I asked i'm not sure are you kidding oh that is oh man that is my blessing these are so funny that's the best blessing i've ever had that is but it's so funny because i've got full conversation with alexa she gets these alexa like whatever part of her brain is activated, like is aware enough to know. And Alexa is now in the room. Alexa, why didn't you do the curtain? Why didn't you fix the curtains?

Oh, that is so good. Thank you, Tova. That is very similar to like videos of people right after surgery. It's very similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that first part of we confirmed, we were, this episode is going to come out after surgery. It's very similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that first part of we confirmed, we were, this episode's gonna come out after this,

but we were gonna, I said we should watch Elon Musk on SNL. It's gonna be a disaster. And then I fucked up. I got a comedy show. I didn't tell her in advance. So I think like it was partly me,

her saying we confirmed. Definitely you. Definitely me. It was his fault because I was waiting for to confirm that we were gonna go to his house for SNL. No one confirmed i forgot about that you see exactly never rely on men for plants never never sorry um but no it was it was it was my fault and and uh so the

night terrors are back so the blessing is revoked um do you have a blessing? Yeah, I have this doorman who, I love that both of your guys' heads, like a dog listening to a weird sound. You guys twisted at the same time. So I have this doorman. He's from Eastern Europe somewhere. He drinks vodka out of a water bottle every night. This guy scares the living shit out of me. But every day that i see him he makes my day because um one day i don't know how this

happened um my my husband like doesn't leave he he's he's an investment banker he doesn't leave the house he works like 20 million hours a day so the doormen are always like oh my god what happened to your husband so this guy is like what happened to your husband did he die and then i don't know i think i was like really tired or drunk i don't know i was like yeah i killed him i put him in the freezer and anyone else would have been like that's so fucking weird but he was like yeah you did you put him in the freezer you cut him up into tiny pieces and now every time i see him i can't wait because i because i walk in the building and he goes hey husband in the freezer tiny pieces you cut him up but you put him in the freezer and i was like yeah man and i don't know that's just a little bit of absurdity that that's right it makes me

happy because i'm like what a weird like any any person listens to any third person listens to this and is like what the actual fuck is happening yeah but for us it's this moment of pure connection and and camaraderie you do there are relationships out there that are defined by like one joke or one thing you share like if you saw him if you were traveling in russia and you saw him in russia you'd be like ah the husband oh there he is new husband other husband pieces and that'll be the end then you'd be like okay yeah yeah and then that's it and then that's that's the whole that's the whole relationship what do you do you leave a tip uh in in christmas time yes yes i do what kind of tip are we talking or do you just give them vodka uh like hey you like it in the water bottle here's it in i like

getting a big crate of wine for them to just like oh and then like a little little tip to like cash tip to my favorites um but he he hasn't really been it because i didn't really like him until this joke came up like up until the joke came up we had nothing in common he could tell he's a sexist you know you could tell this guy's a sexist like he sees me walking in late and he's like you're a prostitute and i'm like no i'm a comedian um he's like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now with this joke, it's like we've, you know, all the cultural

and gender and generational differences, they dissipate into a joke about me murdering my husband and putting him in a freezer. You know, that is comedy.

Yeah. I think you need to take the joke for like, give him a piece of your husband for Christmas. Like a little, like a little, like a takeout box.

Like a chicken, but say that it's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like a nice, but like a nice steak maybe. And then it's like, this is the husband. Oh, that's a good idea. That's brilliant. You're so good at gifts, aren't you? When I'm telling other people to pay for them.

Yeah. Oh, that's so good. Very creative. That is a great idea. I'm going to do that. I'm going to get like a nice steak for him and he'll probably eat it frozen sure with his vodka um so well this has been such a lovely episode uh is there anything you want to plug um uh every time i hate the word plug so bad because i just think of butt plug

immediately um sure and i'm i I want to move on from this. I don't know why I said that. Yeah. I want to plug my podcast hyphenated. It's me and Jenny Lorenzo. And we talk about like culture and identity and funny shit. And, we don't talk about incest like in this podcast,

but it's still fun. Good. Good. I still fun. Check that out. Uh, Russell, anything coming up?

Um, same old, same old. We have a show, uh, May 21st, a show May 21st. Friday, May 21st. Based on your enthusiasm, it's surely going to be good. We're going to be at the Asylum.

Oh, how fun! I want to go. Please do. Please come. I would love that. There's going to be no food, correct? How much longer are you in New York? I'm going to be here, I think, for a good amount of time. My job is is in la but i do it all through zoom we'd love to have you as a guest sometime oh my god fucking you'd be a fantastic i

would absolutely love it so much okay well it's it's a bar but we call it a comedy club city steam comedy club on may 22nd with uh michael cruz cane featuring for me i'm gonna be headlining uh spokane comedy club end of June. See my movie here today. Here today. Billy Crystal, Tiffany Haddish, Matthew Broussard, our first guest on The Downside. And me doing a Jeff Goldblum impression. If anyone knows

Jeff Goldblum, please, please tell him about me so I can play a son in something. I think we'd get along. Oh my God. And, you know, we should remember that whether cancer uh whether uh you know uh automobile accident being murdered by your wife ultimately we will all uh die oh that was so funny